It was sometime around 1979,
when fate decided to give me a boot up the arse.
Fuckin' dead man.
What's the score here, you might ask?
Well, it all started with a very smart investment
on Rapid River romping home at 10 to one.
Which meant up the hackie down the blackie
for a couple of celebrationary sharpners.
Sink a couple of them down the hatch, and then,
it's onto the student union for a drunken shag
Poetry, eh?
Now, I've sunk my fair share of triple brandies and coke
by this point, and that's when I met her.
Honestly, at the time, I coulda swore she was
the spitting image of the blond bird from ABBA.
Like I said, I had few.
An hour later, and we're back to hers.
Under starters orders, and they're off.
Well nearly.
I remember asking her something like,
Who's that?
It's my fiance, Malky.
He's in the jail.
The jail?
That was my cue to fucking leave.
Get ready for a big night, darlin'.
Davie, I'm really sorry.
I thought he'd be in for much longer. He's in for GBH.
And then, like a scene from the bloody Shining,
Charles Manson look-a-like comes walking through the door.
Talk about a close shave.
But it doesn't end there, though.
No, no, no, no.
A week later, I'm down at Grouchos, earning some coin.
You workin' here, my lad?
Short term contract.
Cool.
Just 'til the student grant kicks in.
And that is the moment when fate
finally decides to take a hand.
Van Halen, pal.
Van Halen?
Jesus.
You sure?
You.
What was it the wee Chinese boy with the
hat and the red book used to say?
A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.
Aye, I guess you could say it's something like that.
Good afternoon, Prime Minister.
There are certainly gonna
be some celebrations tonight.
Very exciting, indeed.
Haggis, which, believe me, is delicious.
♪ I say why, I saw why ♪
Pitch is looking good.
Should be, the amount of shite played here last season.
The team made the paper today!
Come on.
Many London pubs were attempting to cut off
essential supplies to the Tartan Army by remaining shut.
Have a fucking word, man.
So that's where my journey begins.
And, by chance, that single step,
starts with a break.
Fuckin' dead man.
Can you walk it off son?
I can't even feel it.
Aye, must be numb.
We'll try some deep heat, eh?
See if it brings back the sensation.
I think I'm in shock a dinn-y.
Okay, here we go.
Old Ralph said you can get a start
at the printers, even with your stooky on.
Every cloud, eh?
Willie, it's only a broken leg.
Well, he's gonna need to face the facts.
The ball's burst, the games up the pulley.
His football days are over.
Rubbish.
Six weeks and the leg will be good as new.
When I was a nurse,
no, no, listen.
We were told when you break a bone,
it comes back even stronger with the new stuff.
You just need to screw a few pins into it.
A few pins.
I'll give old Ralph a phone in the morning, son.
Willie, will you shut up?
Stop depressing the lad.
Hello Davie.
- I'm Shona, student nurse - And that's when I met her.
I can assure you you're in good hands.
I'll be checking on you regularly.
You really are quite beautiful.
What's that?
I actually ken about the Florence Nightingale effect,
where the patient falls in love with the nurse.
I read a lotta about history.
Lot of books on war.
That's not what I'm trying to say.
The only thing that's gonna get me through this
career-ending injury is knowing I've got a date
with a bonny lassie at the end of it.
There is a level of confidence that can
only be achieved when you're out of your tits on morphine.
So, just when you think
you're Shakespeare spouting a sonnet,
Sorry, what are you trying to say?
You're actually talking pish,
looking like Plug from the Beano comic.
Davie, I'll get the bib on.
Oh, fu...
Alright, Davie.
Scot, nice jacket.
Do you get any hassle for selling in here?
What you selling anyway?
I can handle my self.
So can I.
All right, Davie.
Back for more, eh?
Leave him, Malky.
Get fucked, Scott.
The wee twat shagged me missus.
Strangle everyone who's shagged your missus,
it's gonna be a busy month.
That's my fiancé yer talking 'bout
Malcolm, my old friend,
She's had more pricks than The Powrie dartboard.
I'm gonna bang yer pus, Scott!
Well, you'll get a crutch in yours.
Take it outside boys?
Get the,
Sorry, no bother.
If I dinn-y see you through the week,
I'll see you through the window, Davie.
Come on.
I owe you one.
Nah.
We're even.
You just saved my life.
Least I can get you is a drink.
Me?
I'm too young.
Double vodka and orange.
How you getting on?
Crutches okay?
I won't be tripping the light fantastic
for a wee while, but we're gettin' there.
So, how did it go with old Ralph?
I go and meet this Ralph character,
and while he's giving a tour of the factory,
he's just waffling on and on about jute and whale oil,
and how whale oil is essential in the processing of jute.
A handy supply of whale oil.
Whale oil?
Aye.
Ralph is a lovely old guy, and I'm sure
this is all very interesting to him.
But you try listening to that for two hours solid.
I did actually learn something new that day.
Did you know that jute really comes from India?
Fuckin' riveting, right?
So, I asked him.
Ever been to India, Ralph?
Just the Taj Mahal up the Perth Road for a chicken korma.
- And jute... - Then he just started
going on about jute and whale oil again.
At this point, I couldn't take any more, so I had to ask.
Ralph, what exactly is my job gonna be?
See that lever?
Uh-huh.
Pull it to switch the press on.
Right.
Pull it to switch it off.
That it?
I'm sure there'll be more.
believe me, I asked.
Well, sometimes the press needs recalibrating..
Quite a skilled and complex job, actually.
And I'll be learning all about that, will I?
Oh no, we'll get a guy in.
You just start her up and give me
a shout, if you got any bother.
Job for life, son.
That is not for me, Ma.
Well, there's always your football.
Football's finished.
Let's face it, I'm no exactly George Best.
I can't imagine the Football Hall of Fame's
gonna be missin' me.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
I get enough of that with your dad.
You'll bounce back, Davie.
Thanks.
I do have a plan.
So, what's that then?
I watched this documentary by John Pilger
called "The Year Zero."
About this guy in Cambodia, called Pol Pot.
Murdered millions of his own people,
I'm talking work camps.
Guy was a psycho, a complete 'head the ball'
Davie, What's this got to do with you?
I wrote him a letter.
Pol Pot?
No, John Pilger.
I offered him my help for like, volunteering, or something.
Cambodia!?
For a boy who got sunstroke going to the berries?
Aye, a laugh.
Well, in the meantime I've got
something a wee bit more concrete.
These, and another tenner on Lucky Break
to win the 2:30 Epsom, eh?
Back then, I had a bit of a love affair with the horses.
That'll be another tenner then.
I'll get tick, then.
You heard what happened, aye?
Aye, we heard.
But come on Davie, we're a fuckin' bookies.
I always pay my debts.
Aye, ya did, before you were a cripple.
Which leads to me Kenny, my future debt collector.
His APR might be pish compared to
Littlewoods, but he's a fucking radge.
Look, I still get a wee stipend from the team,
and the nurse says I'm gonna be back soon...
Couldn't gie a flying fuck.
No job, no tick.
- End of. - Tenner.
On Lucky Break.
Hey, Willie.
Hey.
If your Mother caught me doing that, it'd kill her.
- Why do it then? - Still getting grief
about my old poker days.
Well, why you do it then?
You've had a bit of a hard time.
Just make sure that's the last of it.
If I catch you again I'll tell her.
I thought it would kill her.
Just promise you won't do it again?
I promise.
Promise what?
That I'll no let you catch me.
Look, I'm not daft, Dad.
Aye, but you cannot pee far.
Don't go spending that money on quines, ya fuckin' loon.
Don't spend it on lassies, Dad.
Pink.
That was blue.
What?
Are you colourblind?
Aye.
What?
What you doing?
Closing my pores.
Right.
Smooth Scott, smooth.
Thanks.
And there she was.
You just gonna stare forever pal?
Eh?
There's lads in here every week looking at her,
but not any have got the bottle to go up and talk to her.
I don't really know what I'd talk about with her.
Ken anything about her?
Student nurse.
Talk to her about that, then.
Any chance you can gaze longingly from somewhere else?
I need to go for a piss.
Oh, sorry.
Cheers.
Here we fucking go.
Shona.
I just wanted thank you for nursing me
back to relative health.
I'd also like to say that I think
that you're really, really...
Beautiful?
Yeah, I know.
You told me about twenty times
whilst swinging in and out of consciousness.
You swore it wasn't the so-called
Florence Nightingale effect, based on your knowledge
of Commando Comics, and that Van Halen was an arsehole.
I was pretty buckled, to be fair.
So, The Florence Nightingale effect
is actually when the nurse falls for the patient,
not the other way around.
Best we can diagnose, that's not what happened here at all.
I was just going to offer you all free tickets
to this uni disco I'm organizing.
Sorry to bother you.
Okay,
Sure.
What?
Yes, you can take me on a date to your disco.
Aye, she called my bluff.
Cheeky, eh?
Well, considering our first encounter,
she left me no choice.
Cool.
So I head over to Mennie's bar.
Try and persuade Scott here to join my new venture.
You want to start a disco?
Aye.
And who's Shona?
This lassie, mate.
You should see her.
Could you have no asked her out normally?
Disco is a bit fuckin' much, like.
No, I could-nae.
So you going to help me or what?
I don't know, Davie.
Come on, Scott.
My student loan doesn't stretch that far eh?
Aye, if you keep buying double brandies and coke.
Will-nae.
You gonna be slinging dope all your days?
You can make a tidy profit.
If I'm being honest, I knew it would
be easy to get Scott on-side.
Extra money would be nice.
Boy loves a pound note.
All I had to do was to sell him the dream.
Who's going to be your disc jockey, then?
I see this boy running about college
with loads of records.
Maybe he'd do it.
Who's that?
I think his name's John.
But it was raising the money and convincing John.
That was the real problem.
But right enough, good ole' Scotty-boy
comes through with another brilliant idea.
I've got an idea.
Though I have to admit,
the poster looked a bit shit.
Here we go, lads, here we go.
You organized a disco with me
on the bill before you even asked?
Wanted to show you how ambitious we were.
Ambitious?
More like couple of bloody chancers.
Gotta take chances to get the best like you, John.
We thought a team-up could take us all to the next level.
I was already going big time.
Hey, there's not even any venue on it yet.
Yeah, we've had a few ideas about that.
Such as?
Come on, somebody tackle up.
How's your team getting on?
Shite.
You gonna answer my question?
So after a few words of inspiration,
we managed to get John to join the team.
But there was still one situation to address.
We were totally skint.
But that's when John said.
Maybe, I'm due some money from
the Vicar.
So, when John said the Vicar,
we naturally thought it was some mad gangster alias.
Delighted to see you again.
But really, it was just a normal vicar.
Father Vettriano.
Always nice to have new blood under our roof.
Now, gentlemen, have you found
religion for yourselves yet?
There was something weird about this guy, though,
and I was almost certain he tried to convert us.
Well, I'm still a Prodie.
Prodie.
It eludes me yet, Father, but I prefer
the Catholic show a bit more.
Yes, well, if you do require
some additional spiritual guidance,
might one suggest.
Then I really had my suspicions
when he tried to offer us some sort of sermon from.
The big man himself.
God?
And of course, it nearly fooled Scott.
His Holiness is speaking
at Bellahouston Park in a few weeks.
Ah, Bellahouston.
Great capacity.
Well, he's vertainly got the biggest fan club in the world.
Now, business associates.
You're here to collect your stipend
from last week's rather rambunctious soiree.
The ten year olds were ecstatic.
Oh, big time stuff alright.
Now,
I have a proposal.
A possible deal as it were.
Here we fucking go.
If it would be at all amenable
to offer an alternative form of remuneration.
To wit, would you accept this fine painting
by my nephew Jack by way of pay?
Is he famous?
Ah, but what is fame, if one is regarded
by one's peers as a shining...
Can we get much money for it?
I fear not, but in time-
- Really sorry, Father Vettriano, but
we could kinda use the notes just now.
Of course.
Twenty notes was it not?
Twenty five.
And just like that, we had ourselves a disco.
Here, here.
Three classy lassies in the queue making my spring go ping!
Get them in, pronto.
Hey.
Think we can do better?
Better?
If you ask me, Shona's got better tits than Venus De Milo.
Is she the lassie at the college?
Venus De Milo?
- Aye. - Hey, bring that back,
you fanny.
Where's he going?
Come on.
Volume, that's the record, don't let it skip.
♪ This party, there's two ♪
Do you dance, Davie the DJ?
You askin'?
Yeah, I'm askin'.
What's that Scott?
This is the next level John.
It's beautiful.
Where the fuck did you get that?
What do you think of that, then?
I think I'm going for that dance.
Thought you were quite cute.
Cute?
I want to be rock and roll!
I'm paying you a compliment.
I don't go on dates with every patient who asks me out.
I'm going to do more nights like this.
Proper bands would be cool.
Ah, such as?
Simple Minds have been getting
a lot of airplay on John Peel.
Simple Minds it is.
Though, probably need to change their name.
Bit of a non-starter.
Okay, well if you get them I'll go.
But I've got a bit too much on
right now to go on more dates.
Also, no offense, but you are incredibly slow.
I've really got to get home.
Got an early start.
You know what uni's like.
Course, aye, fair play.
Thanks for a fun night
Bye.
Oh, hello there.
I'm Anne, the wife.
John never said he was married to such a lovely lassie.
Aye, well, he's got his stud-like DJ image to protect.
Davie, And this is my business associate.
Yeah, I heard you made quite
the impact on the uni disco scene.
It was all on John, really.
His gig, you know?
It's all he's talked about.
Nah, it's not.
Anyway, I was going big long before last night.
Do you want a cup of tea?
Tunnock's Caramel Wafer?
- Smashing. - Cracking.
I'd like one an all, actually.
Well you know where the kettle is.
You just have to flick the switch, and then,
you pour the boiling water in the cup.
And don't forget to add the tea bag.
John, ask them to sit down.
Take a seat then, lads.
Don't you dare touch my wafer!
How many tickets you shift, then?
Full house eh.
What did I tell you?
Aye, but listen, I was thinking, we should do it again.
Not a chance.
Eh?
We got to do it bigger.
The next level, John.
We've got a good rep after last
night, so we gotta capitalize.
Put on proper bands, get bigger crowds, more money.
Hotter lassies.
And less work for you.
I quite enjoy the attention, eh?
What was that John?
I said, they've got my attention.
Fucking hell, eh?
What was that last bit John?
Who are you thinking?
Simple Minds?
Never heard of them.
Getting a lot of airplay on John Peel, at the moment.
Very popular with the young, hip crowd.
That'll be you well out the loop then, eh John?
You'd like them but we need a bit of money up front first.
How much did we clear?
Fifty after I bought the strips for the team.
Fifty?
Can nay do much with that.
Can ya double it?
John, if you so much as look at our
Florida holiday fund, I will divorce you.
Okay sweetheart?
Got any contacts in the travel industry?
Alright, do we all have our tickets to see the Pope?
Aye.
And do we all have our tickets ready for Rocket Travel?
Aye.
Excellent, now, if you could all form an orderly queue,
the bus should be here in, as Our Grace would say,
'Uno Momento'
They're late.
These boys reliable?
This is the Kiss the Tarmac special.
They're a new outfit, like us.
You mean, the only one that would
give you anything for fifty pound?
Look smart arse, long as it's got four wheels
and glass windows, it'll be fine.
It'll be fine.
Fuckin' joking?
No, I've told ya.
This isn't the offices of Rockit bloody Travel.
I don't care if you missed half
of the Pope's speech it's nothing to do with me.
Hello?
Aye, Rockit Travel.
Four Barry Manilow tickets?
Dad.
I told you, answer the phone correctly.
Yes, and would that be the
standard package, sir, or the deluxe?
Yes.
Just make the cheque payable to Rockit Travel.
5D Whitfield Court.
Yes, thank you very much.
Hey son, if I'm gonna be answering these phones
for you, I'm gonna need some kind of remuneration.
What you got in mind?
Four tins of export a night?
Ounce of Golden Virginia?
Two tins and a half ounce.
Pretty braw like.
Aye, it's definitely calming me down a bit.
Nay bad stuff there, baby Scotty.
Just go with the flow, boys, eh?
See how you hold up.
We need a name.
Eh?
Yeah, for the company.
I was thinking about that.
I was thinking, JSD Promotions.
- Away. - What?
- You to fuck. - I was just thinking.
Okay, well done, clever clogs, very original.
But if anything, it gonna be SJD productions?
- What the fuck? - I mean, come on, eh fuck.
Who got all the posters?
- Alright? - You got one poster.
Who sortied out the police light?
Remember that Police Light,
That was fuckin' class.
No, No, no... whoa.
No fucking initials, it's boring.
Twa Bridges.
Twa Bridges?
Eh.
Wee something my dad used to say, eh?
Dundee's got twa bridges now son, just like Edinburgh.
Aye.
Twa Bridges Promotions it is, then.
Aye.
Does anybody else really fancy a cheeseburger?
Aye!
What you laughing at?
I'm starving.
You's two have got the munchies.
The what?
Dafties.
Amateurs.
What's happnenin' Kenny?
We're after a venue
We're looking to get some stuff for it, and all.
Get to fuck.
We've got the money for it.
I hear the student union is more your level, boys.
We're barred.
Apparently
Someone stole a police light for our gig.
Old Jade here's mum was sorely disappointed by her deluxe
Barry Manilow experience, as supplied by Rockit Travel.
So,
get to fuck.
You want to cut the pish, mate?
We heard you were a serious businessman.
I like your girlfriend, Davie.
Fiery.
Do you not get in any bother for doing that in here?
Well, I'd have to kick myself out, seein' as we own the place.
You want any decent venue this time,
you'll have to ask Des Fergie.
Is he the guy puts his victims
in a bathtub and fills it with...
Aye.
Wait here.
The wee one's an accountant, and the long streak
of pish is a music journalist, apparently.
Well, it was either that, jute, or jam.
Funny.
Is it?
This is not Fergie
That's a nice
painting.
It's Pike, his nephew.
Oh, don't let that sweet smile fool ya.
He does bite.
Fuckin' sit down, then.
So, is Mr. Fergie no here?
Does it look like he is?
It's Saturday.
Mr. Fergie plays golf on a Saturday.
Oh, right.
They can have Teasers.
Two hundred for every gig you put on.
Now, the problem with Dundee at the time
was that all the best venues were owned by these pricks.
Off you go, then.
So, inevitably, when you cut a deal.
It's stacked in their favour.
We'll take half the door.
- No, fuckin'... - Half the...
Sorry boys, I wasn't asking ya.
I'm fucking telling ya.
No if's, but's or post mortems.
Toodle-loo!
Kate Bush or Debbie Harry?
For the music?
Yes, for the music.
I wouldn't say no to either.
Davie.
Elton John or the Bee Gees?
Neither.
You're meant to pick one.
Gimme another one.
The Undertones or the Buzzcocks?
Buzzcocks.
All right, my turn.
Dundee or United?
United what?
Dundee United.
You said Dundee or United
Yeah, there's two teams.
Dundee and Dundee United.
The grounds are right across the road from each other.
Why would you need two Dundee teams?
So we've always got someone to play with.
I didn't think much of you when we first met.
Aye, ye did.
At the disco.
Do you know what I thought of you,
Davie, when we first met?
What?
I thought, he needs to roll his tongue
back in before someone steps on it.
Like you a lot more now, though.
You better.
Did you ever get around to booking Simple Minds?
Wait, how much?
Let's make it 15 quid and 6 tins.
Deal?
I'll throw in 5 packs of chips from the Deep Sea chipper.
Ah, lovely.
Good man, cheers.
Hello, this is Davie McLean from Twa Bridges Promotions.
We'd look to book The Starjets.
The Vapours.
The Skids.
Good man, thank you.
Is XTC available?
That's fantastic Scott.
Yeah, that's dead smart, that.
Where's the one for Very Important Men?
I could only afford the one.
Please dinn-y tell me you've blown
our entire promo budget on one bloody poster, Scott.
It's no my fault.
The boy at DC Thompson's wasn't cheap,
and I had to pay Old Ralph extra,
to get a guy in, recarbonate the printer.
How many tickets did we shift?
Well, with our one, admittedly excellent, poster,
none in Groucho's, none in Q and I video, same in Rock Pile.
And worst of all, none at the venue.
Right, zero then.
We're wiped out, we're still gonna have
to pay two hundred quid for this place.
Hang on.
Got an idea.
Gig cancelled, promoter dead.
New poster.
A bit basic.
I've seen a few death notices in the Tully.
Needs more,
feeling.
"Due
to the
unfortunate
demise.
of the well liked and respected local business man,
Mr. John Gibson, 24, tonight's performance
has been canceled as a mark of respect.
All tickets will be refunded by Rocket Travel.
Our condolences to his beloved wife, Anne."
Fucking, nice one, John.
You know mate, I didn't see you
come up with anything, did I?
John Gibson?
I'm the man.
Look awfully good for a dead man.
A dead man that owes me two hundred bucks
for cancelling a gig.
It's no like that at all
- I can get you the money. - There you are.
Right.
Ta.
Aye.
Thanks Scott!
Nay bother.
We're equal partners, right?
Win big on the horses, eh?
Nope.
Import/export business is booming.
Eh?
I'm selling loads of hash to students.
I'm a student!
Yeah, we're interested in the two-tone package.
The Specials and The Madness.
Top man, thank you.
Wreckless Eric.
Excellent, thank you very much.
Are you sure you're happy with VIM?
Very Important Men's a bit of a mouthful.
We fancy a three-letter acronym.
Three letter acronym's even worse.
No, like ELO, OMD, XTC?
AC-DC?
Stop you there.
You realize that VIM is a popular
household cleaning product?
It's a celebration of the mundane.
Very Warholian.
Might get yer 15 minutes of fame,
but I think that'll be it.
How much we got?
Can you do it for 50?
Is ULTRAVOX available?
Wonderful.
Before you go, Davie.
What is it George? I'm running out of ten pences.
Got this new band, four-piece,
out of Dublin, gonna be massive.
Who are they?
U2.
Never heard of them.
Sorry George, we'll have to pass.
Nice.
Thought we could make a bit of extra money taping the gigs
and selling the videos to the young hip crowd.
Where did ya get it from?
Well, I borrowed the camera from
that guy from Forbes over there.
And I got a hundred blank cassettes
from the guy from Woolies over there.
How much?
Free tickets, the other half of my share, each.
They both think they're getting a half each?
Aye.
But they're actually only getting a quarter.
Aye, right.
But keep it down, it'll be fine.
Wonderful.
Thank you, pleasure doing business with you.
Cheers, okay, goodbye now.
Perm's in.
Perm is not in.
Perm is in.
John, look at me.
- I am lookin' at ya. - I'm beautiful.
Quite stunning.
- Aye, sure. - If I do say so myself.
Aye, you do say so yourself.
Build up your strength slowly, now.
Don't run before you can walk.
I'll keep him right, doctor.
Cheers, doc.
How you feeling?
Brand new.
Davie.
I'm wearing heels.
You heard the doctor, you shouldn't.
Aw, pish.
Oh Shona, it's goin', it's goin'.
Davie.
What you doing, you weirdo?
I just wanted to thank ya.
For what?
Nursing me.
Davie, that's my job.
And for all this music promo stuff.
You kind of inspired me.
I'm flattered, but,
So,
I got you this.
Davie, that's really sweet.
I know.
Where are you going?
We're going to celebrate.
Cool.
Oh, that is horrific.
That poor girl.
Stop it.
I would like to apologize once again,
sir, for the fois-gras and quail soup
not being available this evening.
It's nay bother, pal.
Had that last night at home anyway.
Enjoy your meal.
We love the seeds, don't we, Davie.
Hey, I love the lemon.
It's the best part.
So why are you doing all this?
Because I like you.
Not that, I mean the music stuff.
It makes me a wee bit of money.
I kinda like it, I suppose.
Yeah but, what does it mean, what do you want from it?
I've never really thought about it, to be honest.
Mum's always fancied a house down the ferry.
I would love to get her it.
Make my dad proud.
Just support the family.
Maybe start one of my own.
Everything to your satisfaction?
Aye, fine and dandy, pal.
Can you get us another bottle of Chabliss?
He means Chablis.
Of course.
Cha-what?
Chablis, it's French.
French.
John, the boy from Woolies is here.
He says he wants half your money from last night.
Eh?
You can have Bloomers for four hundred.
Cash, up front.
Canna do that.
Just when things are starting to go well, cue Fergie.
We started to sell out venues, pulling bigger
and better bands, so, it was only a matter
of time before people started to take notice.
Davie McLean.
- Remember this prick? - How's business?
Better be good.
Aye, business is good.
Well, when you begin to swim deeper,
don't be surprised when you meet the sharks.
Mr. McConnel informs me the Thin Lizzy
tickets are selling like hot cakes.
Not my cup of tea, but the Mrs. quite likes them.
This is Fergie, by the way.
The chief potato of Dundee's McMafia.
You can pretty much write what he kens
about the music scene on the back of a stamp.
She's got good taste, tickets are almost sold out.
Excellent.
We'll take the advance sales now, then, since we're here.
I'll just check with Bernie.
It was Bernie who suggested it.
But he owns all the venues,
so what he say's basically goes.
Anyway, he comes later.
- Hi. - So, we meet our new contact,
talk a bit of shit.
- A deal is agreed, - I'll give you
my London contacts.
Excellent.
And then, you're off, off, and away
with your biggest gig yet.
Until.
There a band on here tonight?
Just in time, pal.
Tickets are selling fast.
Right, well it's off.
What?
You can't have a big gig in such a built-up area.
That's never been a problem before.
Well it is now.
You cannae do that!
It's done. Order of the Council.
Bit of a coincidence don't you think?
Nah, not really.
Fucking jobsworth cock wobble.
Probably working for Fergie.
Oh, aye, hows that?
We need a new venue at short notice, right?
We're desperate, so he'll make us pay more.
We should just quit, eh?
Do something safer.
Aye, like What?
Well, I've been thinking.
What time does your Anne go to work?
8:30.
And when does she get back?
5:30
Good, so, your house is empty for, say,
Nine hours every day.
Right.
Nice house, by the way.
Is it?
Double bed?
Aye, Slumberland.
Comfy?
Very.
Let's open up it up as a brothel.
That better be a fucking joke, Scott.
Right, calm down mate.
I wasn't gonna suggest Anne.
But that Shona's a bonny lass, though.
If you want a seat at Fergie's table,
Call that plan B for now, eh?
Albeit a wobbly one, you have to play by his rules.
Indeed, what can you do?
It's not as if you can go and complain to trading standards.
My best advice here, is to lie down and bite the pillow.
Lads, you're the ones that are gonna have
to hurt them if they don't pay.
The amount of students without collateral that I've had
to snap the bones off is really starting to annoy me.
I mean, I don't even go to the gym anymore.
I own a house.
What?
You heard.
Glad you came.
You look awfully bonny.
This has to be your last gig, Davie.
Why?
Finally recognized that guy the other day.
Only it wasn't what he looked like, but his name.
Des Fergie.
I know what I'm doing.
Sure, my patients thought that, too.
When I was treating broken bones in the hospital,
I'd hear whispers, people would say things
when they were out of it then clam up the next day.
But it was always the same name.
It's just reminds me of the shit I grew up with back home.
My dad.
And if you're part of that, Davie, or if that could
hurt you, then I'm sorry, but we can't be friends.
Just found the one thing I'm good at,
and you want me to quit?
I'll be shining bright.
You're right.
In fact, I've got no idea why I thought you'd listen.
Shona.
Davie.
Finally ditched that wee whore, eh.
What was I thinking?
- Glad- - You probably did me a favour.
Glad I could help, pal.
Besides, you put on some decent gigs on these days.
Cheers, Malky.
Two secs, eh?
Shona.
Fuck.
Good afternoon, Mr. Burton's office.
Annabelle speaking, how may I help you?
Hello, David McLean from Twa Bridges Promotions.
Who?
Twa Bridges Promotions.
We're the biggest promotions company in Dundee.
Dundee?
Dundee, East of Scotland.
What is it concerning?
We would like to book Pink Floyd,
the Stones and Fleetwood Mac.
Okay, I'll put you through to Mr. Burton.
Where did you disappear to?
Up the blackie, down the hockie.
Well, club's fucked.
You even slept?
Burton speaking.
Hello, This is David McLean from Twa Bridges Promotions.
Never heard of you.
We're the premiere music promotion company
in Dundee, and we'd like to book one of your acts.
Name any venue a hundred mile radius
from Tannadice, and we'll fill it.
We've got dens...
Still never heard of you, but here's the deal.
It'll cost you a thousand pounds a mile
to book any of our top acts, round trip.
Can I make some calculations and get back to you?
No, I'm expecting a call.
Would you hold please?
Not really.
Get an AA map and a ruler, pronto.
On it.
Howl, two well-fired rolls with butter.
Plenty of salt.
Annabelle.
Where the fuck is Dundee?
Scotland.
Get me the AA map, please.
Jesus, that was quick!
Swiped it out a car.
And a ruler?
Thousand pounds per mile, is that correct?
Here, mate.
How long are those sausages?
Six inches.
Right, one please.
You want chips with that?
How long are the chips?
Single mate, pronto!
So is that by road or as the crow flies?
Whichever's longest.
Five hundred pounds a mile.
I'll mortgage my house.
What's it worth?
Three grand.
Three grand?
That'll get them up to Swiss Cottage.
He want's about a million quid.
Don't eat that!
Okay, I've just been speaking with my business associates,
and we've decided we would book
one of your more up-and-coming bands.
Someone like, say, Iron Maiden?
Ah yes, they'd be just the ticket so to speak.
Persistent little bastard aren't you?
I prefer ambitious.
Right, that'll be fifteen hundred pounds each way,
provided they fancy a trip to Dundee.
Let's round it off to, say, four K total?
Very reasonable for an act of that caliber.
Okay, we'll need half the money up front,
sort the balance on the day.
Excellent, Mr. Burton, thank you very much, I'll...
Iron fucking Maiden, ya dancer.
Who?
Four grand! Two up front.
Who?
Bargain.
Bargain?
What happened to the day of fifteen quid
and a six cans of Skol for Simple Minds?
That was last week John, this is now.
With my mortgage and last night's takings,
we're still about five hundred short.
Don't worry, I'll sort that.
Put this back where you got it.
Clean up the venue from last night,
and eat that fucking sausage.
Did he just tell me to clean the venue?
You should see the size of his fucking chips.
I'm glad you came back to me again, Davie.
I think you and I, we're going to be
working together for a long time.
Aye, well I tried the usual routes.
Lloyds TSB, RBS, but they all said no, eh?
Pike.
Backseat.
Mr. McConnel in?
Bernie.
There a problem, Mr. Fergie?
Not yet.
Des?
Can I help?
Here for the four grand owed from the Thin Lizzy concert.
You mean the outstanding thousand?
I gave Mr. Pike the rest.
Don't have a receipt for that.
Do you have a receipt, Mr. Pike?
No idea what she's on about.
She's ripping you off, Mr. McConnel.
Hang on a minute.
- There... - Money, now!
He was there and all!
Davie, tell them, please.
This fuckin' true, Davie?
That,
for keeping yer puss shut.
Want a lift?
Aye.
Get a taxi, you can afford it now.
Kenny'll be round for all the money next week.
What would you have done?
Fergie knew exactly what he was doing.
I still didn't have enough for the gig,
so I turned to the only thing I knew.
Come on.
Fuck.
Aye, did ye lose son?
20 pound, Davie.
Seen you lose a lot more than that
Fuck off.
One.
Two.
99.
100.
Bet ye can nay do that, son.
Aye, right enough, Dad.
Good night tonight?
Sold the place out.
Well done, son.
Awfully proud.
Cheers, Dad.
Aye, he's here.
Ya all right?
Dandy.
Beano and all.
Where the fuck have you been?
How you doing, John?
Me?
I'm doing great.
After you left us, and took all the fucking money.
Calm down John, he's obviously no doing so good.
He's no doing so good?
I'm the stupid fucker that raided my holiday fund to pay off
the local psychos so they don't come back and break bones.
And I couldn't pay them all, Davie.
So, not only are those nutters coming back
to do who-the-fuck-kens-what to us,
but if my darling wife looks in that vase, I'm divorced.
Simple as.
So Scott, just think again and tell me,
out of everyone here, who's no doing so good?
You've got the money, right Davie?
Bookies?
In your own time, Davie.
You complete and utter fanny.
Put this all on black please.
Okay, sir.
19 red.
Is that it?
Yep.
Okay, maybe I could have
handled that a bit better.
You've killed us, Davie.
- Let me at him. - Just leave it.
It's not worth it.
Just hit us, I deserve it.
You know, there is no point, you won't learn.
Aye, he fuckin' will.
Time to hurt like fuck, wee man.
Listen, Pike mate, I can get ya the money.
I can work for you.
Aye, you'll be working for us for a long time, mate.
Come on, pal.
Might as well make this part easy.
Hey lads, hows it going?
What happened, Davie? You been fighting?
Can you strong gentlemen help?
Excuse us, we need to have
a wee word with Davie, here.
Are you taking him to the hospital?
We'll see.
John pal, have a wee word, and all.
Look after him please, boys.
Maybe we can have some fun later if Davie's still up to it?
Nay bad, Davie.
Call the police, Scott.
Nay point.
They'd be too late, anyway.
And if they dinn-y kill us, we'd just be pissing them off.
So, beverage?
I'm cool, Mrs Fergie.
Chrissie.
Please don't trouble yourself, Mrs. Chrissie.
It's a lovely house you have.
Aw, I like this one.
Boys?
No, mustn't drink on the job.
Suit yourselves.
♪ You held my dreams ♪
♪ Like worthless grains of sand ♪
♪ Careless hands don't care when dreams slip through ♪
What's the debt?
Two hundred outstanding,
five hundred from the Thin Lizzy gig,
plus three days compound interest.
I've also had a bill for repairs that
need carried out on Bloomers.
Aye, but that was nay our fault.
How much?
2,000.
That's more than the place is worth.
And a drum kit and a guitar.
So, rounded up, you pair of pricks now owe me
three large.
Three grand?
On my desk, end of the week.
This is bullshit, Fergie, you've set us up.
I've given you every chance, son.
But you've let your ambition blind your ability.
You may as well kill us now, we're as good as dead.
No, no, no.
You're dead when I say you are.
If you fail to pay me back my money,
then you can both come work on shipments.
Well, one of you, anyway.
I'll let Mr. Pike here decide which
of you needs to remain in a useful condition.
Tough choice.
They're both as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike.
Look, I can do this.
I can get you the money in two weeks, okay?
I'll mortgage my house.
Two weeks it is.
Problem is,
I've got a bit of a reputation.
Wonderful things, reputations.
Usually save a lot of time.
But now, my fucking rep with the young crowd,
it needs. a little,
Finessing.
So, with that in mind, I'm going to leave you
in the capable hands of Mr Pike and Mr. Ferguson.
Think they'll make it back?
They're strong boys.
As long it's some time
in the next couple weeks, I suppose.
This isn't helping anything.
We need to get home!
Fuck!
Shut yer puss it's not funny.
How'd you ken we would be here?
Ah, Fergie does this all the time.
Fucking Baltic.
What's the score then?
I'll mortgage my house.
Oh, above and beyond, mate.
For someone who's friend just saved your life,
you don't look too happy, Davie.
I'd have sorted it.
You going to thank me?
For what?
Stopping you getting seriously hurt.
By dressing like a whore, aye no bother.
See, Shona I think you look brilliant-
- Like a whore?
Look at the state of yourself right now Davie.
And you're calling me a slut?
Guys, is this the appropriate time
to be having this conversation?
I didn't say you were a slut.
I said you dressed like one.
I dressed like this to help you.
Cause' you're a degenerate gambler
with delusions of grandeur.
Very poetic.
McGonnigal lives on, eh?
Would they have hurt you badly
if I didn't dress like this?
Exactly.
Fuckin' hell.
Shit.
Fancy an ice cream?
Raspberry sauce.
Come on you.
Cheer up, eh?
Great acoustics.
Maiden'll love it.
It's our only option John.
Our only option is to forget all this music promo
pish and quit whilst we're only heavily behind as opposed to dead.
Just, hear me out first.
Take your mortgage money, stick on Iron Maiden here,
sell the place out, pay back crazy eyes and his band
of merry nut jobs, we make a tidy profit.
And we all live happily ever after?
I fucked up,
and I'm sorry.
It's alright.
I cannae risk anymore, all right?
My partner said the same thing
when we put on The Beatles.
Alright there, mister?
Andy, please.
Just doing a wee recce, make sure the place
is spic and span for Sidney Devine.
Oh aye, big time stuff.
I had the Fab Four up for a couple
of small shows in '63, before they were huge.
Only cost 30 pounds, and we still lost money.
But there was something about them
that meant I wanted them back.
What was it?
Well, they were the bloody Beatles weren't they?
So, I phoned up Brian Epstein and I said,
"I'll take them again, but we lost money before,
"so can we have them for twenty five pound?"
And he said, "No...
You can have them for two hundred pound, you have to
"put them on at the biggest venue you can find."
Well, my business partner, he just thought I was nuts.
He's got two kids, so from his point of view, it was.
What happened?
Well, it was the bloody Beatles wasn't it?
I was there as a laddie, throwing Jelly Babies at Ringo.
So,
Iron Maiden.
The new wave of heavy metal.
You going to do it?
For fuck sake.
Fucking brilliant, John.
You'll not regret it!
Aye, well, I regret it already.
You know what I'd regret?
Buying that fucking coat.
Fuck you.
All right, Kev!
All right Davie.
What's the book?
It's the Gulag Archipelago.
It's about,
ken the labor camps in Siberia?
Oh, aye?
Where the dissidents go or something.
I dinn-y, I think that's where they go.
It's no bad read.
May as well be set in Whitfield, eh?
How's that?
Well, it's that fucking grim, eh?
Where's the drum kit?
Drum kit?
Aye, you no with the Maiden?
Do I look like I'm with the fuckin' Maiden?
I'm hear to fix the lavie.
Vienna Boys Choir last night.
Forty laddies, one lavie.
Torture.
This was the point I realized
we were fucked.
I'll catch you later, Davie.
Dinn-y look at me, I'm here for the shity pipe.
See you later.
Don't know where I can find Davie McLean, do ya?
I'm the man himself.
Hey, Rod Smallwood.
I manage Maiden, nice to meet you.
Pleasure's all mine.
Decent drive up?
Yeah, Drove up from Sunderland at the crack of dawn.
We had a show last night, crowd loved it.
Late night then, my man.
Wheres the crew?
The crew?
Yeah the humpers, the guys who are gonna
help my guys load the gear in.
Thought a first class outfit like
yourselves would provide all that?
You kidding?
Course.
Crew will be here shortly.
And catering?
Catering?
Yeah.
Square sausage butties, stuff like that?
What?
What's that when it's at home?
Just sausage, but cut in a square.
You've read the contract.
Course.
Even read the small print.
Right, well, that's the most important thing.
Good news on the Ruddles.
I'll have it on white with HP.
Right, let me just take you to the changing room.
Just up here.
Oh, how are ticket sales going?
Like snow off a dyke.
What?
Hot cakes, like hot cakes.
Right, yeah.
Well I think our album will get top ten this week.
So yeah, you've done pretty well, you've timed it perfectly.
Great.
Cool.
If there's anything I can do, just let me know.
Well, arabest.
Take a right at the end of the hall.
♪ Don't let me sleep the night you told me ♪
Mom.
Hiya son, I was just about to see your gra...
Never mind that, I've got an emergency.
What is it?
I may have overlooked a few things.
I need you to look down the back of the sofa,
there should be letter that says Cow Bell Agency on it.
Hold on.
Willie, shift.
Jesus Christ.
You bloody need a new filing system.
Have you got it?
Aye, I've got it.
Go to the page that says, band rider, on it.
Jesus.
Hello?
10 bacon butties on arrival, with HP.
10 Hot meals - Pie n' mash
or Fish and Chips equivalents, before concert.
4 packets of cigarettes.
And it says here a case of Ruddles.
What the fuck are Ruddles?
Nay idea.
Davie there's more; two bottles of vodka,
two bottles of tequila, twenty four bottles of lager,
twenty four cans of Yorkshire Bitter.
Mom, I'm gonna need you to sort this out.
I'll give you the money later on.
Davie, you're driving me mad.
Aw, thanks a million, bye.
What's goin' on now?
Hope you've not got any plans for the day.
How?
We're in the catering business.
The whole thing was a fucking
shambles to be honest with ya.
The thing is Davie, I just don't have time for this.
We're a real band and people are paying money for this.
Maiden's manager, well, he was fuckin ragin'.
Could see his point, though.
We didn't even have a crew.
So right enough, I'm out on the streets
trying to find a bunch of jakies to fill the positions.
All right lads, much on the day?
To be honest, that was going fine until,
Hang about, is that our fucking guitar he's got?
I mean, these guys were literally off
the streets, so I dinnae ken what we were expecting.
Then, the second batch of shit hit the fan.
Oy, mate, who have you got for opening act?
Opening act?
Look, fucking Christ, tell me you got an opening act?
Don't worry about it.
I know all the bands in Dundee.
I'll just give one of them a phone.
Back in the phone box, trying to find
a last minute replacement.
John's running about fucking daft,
and my dad is in the kitchen trying to cater for 40 people.
We had nay clue what the fuck was going on.
Just pulling switches, praying it would
all come together in the end.
And then, the band manager asks,
Right, can I get me 2K now, please?
♪ I feel sorry for you ♪
John.
How many tickets we sold?
Not enough.
Well, what we gonna do?
Take a wild guess.
John, wait up a second.
You're not going to say goodbye before your big gig?
Aye, of course.
I'll see you there.
I'm really proud of you, you know?
The shows, I mean.
You know that right?
Aye, course I ken that.
You know, it's funny.
You're not in a rush are ya, John?
Go on, have a sit down.
This will make you laugh.
I heard a wee rumour from the girls a wee while ago.
Aye?
That you had died.
I've been meaning to ask you about that.
What was that all about?
Must have been someone else.
Mmm.
Lot of people called.
I cried my eyes out actually.
Then, you walked through the door, quite the thing.
I thought, ah, yeah, they must
have been talking about somebody else.
So I dried my eyes, and popped my make up on.
You never even noticed.
Right, well, I've gotta go, I'll see you later, okay?
Aye, with bells on.
Just make sure you put it back like the last time, eh?
What?
Good luck.
Dinnae worry.
Shona dinnae see you.
Beautiful night.
Maiden even gonna play?
And that was the big question.
After all the stress and all the debt,
would it all fall apart?
Of course it didn't.
Otherwise why would I be telling you this story?
Maiden.
Maiden, Maiden, Maiden, Maiden.
It was unbelievable.
Never in our wildest dreams would we think fans
by the bus load would come from Brechin,
Arbroath, Perth, even as far as Crieff.
Queues around the bloody block.
Maybe my nonstop praying at Father Vettriano's
had something to do with it.
Well, whatever the case may be, they loved it.
The rest, as they say, is history.
And I can drink to that.
Davie.
For all your faults, that was a decent show the other night.
Make any money?
After we paid back everything we owed,
had a bit of a piss up to celebrate
still being alive, but that was about it.
Sure you didn't gamble it away?
Nah, I'm done with that.
Bet on it?
Sorry I couldn't hang around after the show.
College and all that, you know what it's like.
Actually, I dinnae.
I never went once, they're about to can me.
I know, it's pretty obvious.
Right, well, what you up to?
Going to London.
Yeah, got a placement at Guys and St. Thomas, so.
What you always wanted, eh?
I'm sorry I was a completely unreasonable prick to you.
I just,
Go on.
I was falling in love with ya.
Made me daft.
The apology means a lot.
It's funny, sometimes I can see
the world in your eyes, Davie.
Well,
see you around.
No, you won't.
Course.
Well,
bye.
You should come.
What?
London.
Whats keeping you here?
Hearing that a lot just now.
Well, it's true.
Shona,
I would.
But, bottom line, I'm totally skint.
You can usually magic something up.
If you change your mind, I'm getting the train tomorrow.
See you 'round.
I realized just how special Shona was.
It was almost like she knew.
Come on, son, you're gonna miss your train.
It's not leaving for another 90 minutes.
Give us a break eh?
I made you a couple of sandwiches, son.
Ta, Mum.
What's this?
This is for you.
For me?
A wee present.
Before I forget, this came for you.
Jesus.
Dinnae expect a reply from John Pilger.
Oh, I'm sorry son.
Well, at least you tried.
Dear David, thank you so much
for your generous offer to come and work.
Look forward to you joining us in Phnom Phen.
Yours sincerely, John Pilger.
Sure you want to go to London, son?
I'll have to have a wee think about it, eh?
Well, this is different.
You can take that Constable painting down
and stick that up, instead.
Have a wee look.
Got it from Father Vettriano.
It's by his nephew, Jack.
Supposed to be pretty good.
Thanks, son.
That's lovely.
Ah well, come on, we'd better get a move on, son.
I'll get my coat.
Davie son, dinnae tell your dad.
Here's 20 quid.
You'll need it, London is dear.
Thanks, Mum.
But you should nay have.
Right, son, chop chop, time we were off.
Here you go son.
20 quid.
Dinnae tell your mother.
It's dear way down there.
Especially with your habits.
Cheers, Dad.
I'll give it my best, eh?
I'm awfully proud of you, son
Started to think you ditched me.
Came to say goodbye.
What?
You need to leave more than I do.
So, you're not coming?
Cannae believe you lied to me.
I bullshitted you, it's completely different.
Anyway, you slept with someone else.
Who told you?
You just did.
Look, Davie, you'll be a big success.
Doing what?
Living your dream.
Dessie wants to talk to you.
Word on the pavey is you're a useful young buck.
May have some work for you.
Job for life, if you want it, son.
Sitting here now, going over all this,
you cannae help but wonder, what if?
Then, you realize that it's just the cards
that you're dealt by the big man up the stairs.
You can bluff, you can play percentages,
you can follow your head, follow your heart.
But at the end of the day,
it comes down to the fickle finger of fate.
I think that was her.
And that's how I'm here.