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Previously on Young Sheldon...
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Sheldon Cooper.
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What?
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I finished reading it.
My name's Sheldon Cooper.
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What... You finished it?
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Yes.
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[chuckles]
Impressive.
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Wha-- You should major
in computer science.
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[laughs]
No, thanks. I'll stick
to real science.
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[indistinct chatter]
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Excuse me, but
you're not Evan.
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True.
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- Where's Evan?
- Elsewhere.
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So you don't know?
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True.
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Oh, good. You met Joaquin.
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Proper introductions were not
made. What's he doing here?
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Uh, he's helping me
write an algorithm
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so, uh, we can beat
the stock market.
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Why?
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Uh, well, so we can get rich,
buy cool cars and get girls.
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But mostly the girls.
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Isn't the search for knowledge
its own reward?
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Uh, yeah, sure, if the
knowledge helps you get girls.
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That seems like a lot
of unnecessary effort
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just to meet females.
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Yeah, we've tried
talking to them.
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Actual disaster.
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You want to help us?
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I don't need to meet girls.
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In fact, I'd like
to know fewer people, not more.
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You could use the money
to buy yourself something fun.
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Ooh, like a particle accelerator
or 100 tanks of liquid nitrogen.
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I was thinking
of a hot tub, but okay.
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I can't get you
to take a shower,
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and-and you want a hot tub?
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Girls like hot tubs.
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How much would it cost to build
a particle accelerator?
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Conservatively,
four to ten billion dollars.
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Then you need to help us.
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Hmm. Well,
I haven't done much coding,
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but I am good at everything.
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Okay, I'm in charge.
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Scoot.
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♪ Nobody else
is stronger than I am ♪
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♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain
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♪ I bet I could be your hero
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♪ I am a mighty little man
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♪ I am a mighty little man. ♪
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- What are you watching?
- Travis Lemon.
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The crazy church guy?
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- He's not crazy.
- Well, his hair is.
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[organ music playing]
Well, I got news for y'all.
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Jesus wants you to prosper.
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He wants you to have nice
things, a life of abundance.
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Says so right here in the book.
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"My God shall supply all your
needs according to His riches
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in glory by Jesus Christ."
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He's right. It does say that.
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When's it's over?
I want to watch MTV.
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Reverend Travis has a band.
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They rock pretty hard.
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[scoffs]
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The same is true for you.
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Jesus fed 5,000 people
with five loaves of bread,
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but somebody had
to give him those loaves.
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And that's what I need from you.
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Every dollar you donate
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to the Travis Lemon ministry
will be returned to you tenfold!
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Tenfold, my sweet patootie.
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As ye sow, so shall ye reap.
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Daphne, get the address
on the screen?
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So you get the checkbook out,
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and you show how much
you love the Lord,
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and the Lord will love you back.
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And when your neighbor asks you,
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"Where'd you get that new
Cadillac?" you tell 'em,
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"On the corner
of Heaven and Saved."
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Oh, what the heck.
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All right, Steve-arooni,
let's hit it!
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[Mary sighs]
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[upbeat rock music plays]
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- Hey, Missy.
- Hey. What are you doing?
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Just breaking in my new shoes
for school.
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They're brown.
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Cool.
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Can I watch your TV?
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Sure.
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[leather squeaking]
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That squeaking you're hearing
is my new shoes.
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♪ Getting edgy all the time...
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Where's your mom at?
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She went to my Aunt Sylvia's
for a few days.
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Aunt Sylvia has a big lump
on her neck.
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So you're alone?
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Just me and my chickens.
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Billy, we have
to throw a party.
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For the chickens?
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No! For us!
Why?
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What do you mean "why"?
Your mom's not home.
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What would we do? Play games?
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Yeah, drinking games.
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Like when you paid me a dollar
to chug a gallon of milk?
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That was a different game,
and I'm sorry.
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Boy, did I throw up.
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For this party,
I'm thinking beer.
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We're not old enough
to drink beer.
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That's why kids'll come.
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Smart.
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Do you think they'll like eggs?
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I have so many eggs.
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What's that
A-sub-one-variable?
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It's undefined.
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It's defined
in the previous subroutine.
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Oh, my. That is elegant.
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We don't use the word "elegant."
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Why? What's wrong with it?
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Well, last semester,
I invited a girl to my room
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to look at my elegant coding,
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and... she called the police,
so...
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Understood.
So what happens next?
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Uh, we just buy the stocks
the algorithm suggests.
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- With what?
- Our student loan money.
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How much are you in for?
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Oh, my mother's
always warned me
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against the evils of gambling.
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Well, it's not gambling,
it-it's math.
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Is your mother against math?
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Well, when you use it to prove
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the Earth wasn't made in seven
days, she gets a little touchy.
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It's your call.
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Particle accelerator,
or no particle accelerator?
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Let me fetch my money sock.
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You keep your money in a sock?
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My meemaw keeps her
money in her bra.
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Does she like hot tubs?
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So how are you and Dale
getting along?
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Well, I rode a bike seven miles
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to have coffee with you,
so that should tell you.
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Not going well?
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Oh, it's fine.
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It's just, after you've lived
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by yourself for a long time,
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having a roommate takes
a little getting used to.
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I'm sure Dale's doing his best.
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That's my fear.
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Mare, what's this $50
to an "R.T.L.M."?
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Reverend Travis Lemon
Ministries.
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I made a donation.
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The goofy guy with the hair?
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00:05:51,699 --> 00:05:53,440
He's not goofy,
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and he preaches the gospel
in a way that speaks to me.
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Yeah, well, let me speak to you.
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We can't be throwing away
50 bucks.
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We are not throwing it away.
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We are gonna get
that money back plus some.
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Oh, honey, now, come on.
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You can't possibly
believe that B.S.
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Maybe. Reverend Travis says
that Jesus wants us to prosper.
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MEEMAW:
Is that why
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he huffed and puffed
and blew my house down?
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- I'm cancelling this check.
- Don't you dare.
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Mary, this is groceries
for a week.
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We will get it back.
We just need to have faith.
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[sighs]
Will you talk some sense
into your daughter?
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If I could talk sense into her,
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she would never
have married you.
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She had to marry me
because I got her pregnant. Ha!
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Huh.
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He ain't wrong about the money.
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Thank you!
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Well, gentlemen,
we've doubled our income
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in a little over eight hours.
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I'm gonna need a bigger sock.
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The good news is,
our algorithm is working,
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and it's getting more efficient
with every trade.
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Which is why
we have to stay strong.
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We can't expect
to be millionaires overnight.
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It'll take...
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12 to 14 business days.
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It's actually
gonna happen.
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I'm gonna have sex.
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Where are you going?
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To take a shower.
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[footsteps approaching]
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Hey, can I talk to you?
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Yeah. What's up?
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Actually, in there.
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You ain't pregnant, are you?
190
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No. How could you say that?!
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Been known to happen.
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[scoffs]
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[sighs]
Okay.
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So, Billy's mom's away,
and we're throwing a party.
195
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:34,454
All right.
196
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,630
Do you think if I took some
of Dad's beer, he'd notice?
197
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Do you think he'd notice?
198
00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:40,198
Okay, dumb question.
199
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Anyways, you're too young.
You shouldn't be drinking.
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You just asked
if I was pregnant.
201
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Well, don't do either.
202
00:07:47,031 --> 00:07:49,991
So you wouldn't buy us a case
of beer if I gave you the money?
203
00:07:49,991 --> 00:07:52,210
Missy, I'm not old
enough to buy beer.
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That's never stopped you before.
205
00:07:53,864 --> 00:07:55,562
And I'm ashamed of myself.
206
00:07:55,562 --> 00:07:57,738
[sighs]
I'll tell you what I can do.
207
00:07:57,738 --> 00:08:00,480
I got something for a party
that's better than beer.
208
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,438
What?
209
00:08:03,439 --> 00:08:07,269
Bottle rockets, Roman candles,
M80s, the works.
210
00:08:07,269 --> 00:08:10,359
Oh, sure. Thanks.
211
00:08:10,359 --> 00:08:12,187
You're not excited now,
but trust me,
212
00:08:12,187 --> 00:08:14,885
you blow up one mailbox,
and you got yourself a party.
213
00:08:14,885 --> 00:08:17,235
[sighs]
214
00:08:20,238 --> 00:08:21,544
Need a hand?
215
00:08:21,544 --> 00:08:23,590
Yeah, sure.
216
00:08:27,376 --> 00:08:31,032
Hey, so, when you were my age,
did you go any parties?
217
00:08:31,032 --> 00:08:32,860
Oh, yeah.
218
00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:36,559
The good ones I remember,
the great ones... gone.
219
00:08:36,559 --> 00:08:38,126
That is so cool.
220
00:08:38,126 --> 00:08:39,910
Ah, I was pretty cool.
221
00:08:39,910 --> 00:08:41,912
You get invited to one?
222
00:08:41,912 --> 00:08:43,697
Kind of.
223
00:08:43,697 --> 00:08:44,959
Ooh, tell me.
224
00:08:46,047 --> 00:08:48,440
I'm sort of helping
my friend throw it.
225
00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:51,618
[gasps]
First party. That's a big deal.
226
00:08:51,618 --> 00:08:52,880
Any advice?
227
00:08:52,880 --> 00:08:55,622
Hmm. Well, for starters,
228
00:08:55,622 --> 00:08:57,406
music is key.
229
00:08:57,406 --> 00:08:58,842
You want it good,
you want it loud,
230
00:08:58,842 --> 00:09:00,496
but not so loud the cops come.
231
00:09:00,496 --> 00:09:02,803
Although, if they do,
you're a legend.
232
00:09:02,803 --> 00:09:03,978
Damn.
233
00:09:03,978 --> 00:09:05,588
And if you have make-out spots,
234
00:09:05,588 --> 00:09:07,982
you want to keep 'em private,
but not too private.
235
00:09:07,982 --> 00:09:09,636
You know, closets, pantries.
236
00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:11,899
You want to keep
- your guests standing.
- Makes sense.
237
00:09:11,899 --> 00:09:13,074
Mm-hmm.
238
00:09:13,074 --> 00:09:15,076
And, um, I've heard
239
00:09:15,076 --> 00:09:17,992
at some of these parties
there's drinking?
240
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Oh.
241
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Well... yeah, sometimes,
242
00:09:24,476 --> 00:09:26,130
but, uh,
243
00:09:26,130 --> 00:09:29,830
fun can be had without... it.
244
00:09:30,831 --> 00:09:33,747
Uh-huh,
but just in case,
245
00:09:33,747 --> 00:09:35,052
would you buy it for us?
246
00:09:36,053 --> 00:09:37,620
No.
Why not?
247
00:09:37,620 --> 00:09:39,100
Because you're a kid.
248
00:09:39,100 --> 00:09:40,318
You were a kid.
249
00:09:40,318 --> 00:09:42,320
- Yeah, but it was different.
- How?
250
00:09:44,148 --> 00:09:46,455
The point is,
I'm a mom now.
251
00:09:46,455 --> 00:09:47,456
A cool mom.
252
00:09:47,456 --> 00:09:48,849
Not that cool.
253
00:09:48,849 --> 00:09:50,633
Besides, the only
underage person
254
00:09:50,633 --> 00:09:53,027
that I'm gonna buy alcohol for
is the father of my child.
255
00:09:53,984 --> 00:09:55,769
You really aren't cool.
256
00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:01,992
Thanks for seeing me.
257
00:10:01,992 --> 00:10:03,994
Of course,
my door is always open.
258
00:10:03,994 --> 00:10:05,343
Smoke?
259
00:10:05,343 --> 00:10:07,215
I'm good. I'll just
breathe in yours.
260
00:10:07,215 --> 00:10:08,651
Suit yourself.
261
00:10:08,651 --> 00:10:10,392
[coughing]
262
00:10:13,395 --> 00:10:15,005
Could we have
a little privacy?
263
00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:17,225
I'll just be listening
at the door.
264
00:10:18,356 --> 00:10:20,358
She does.
265
00:10:20,358 --> 00:10:21,664
So, what can
we do for you?
266
00:10:21,664 --> 00:10:23,144
Well, I was thinking
maybe it was time
267
00:10:23,144 --> 00:10:24,841
for Mary to come back
to the church.
268
00:10:24,841 --> 00:10:26,582
You know, be a part
of your herd again.
269
00:10:26,582 --> 00:10:27,844
We say flock.
270
00:10:27,844 --> 00:10:30,630
Although, Texas--
herd works.
271
00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:32,240
With all the beef
and whatnot.
272
00:10:33,284 --> 00:10:35,678
Well, Mary's always welcome.
273
00:10:35,678 --> 00:10:37,593
Great.[phone ringing]
274
00:10:37,593 --> 00:10:39,682
Oh. Maybe you could use her
back here in the office.
275
00:10:39,682 --> 00:10:42,293
Nah, we got things covered.
276
00:10:44,382 --> 00:10:45,557
Do you need
to answer that?
277
00:10:45,557 --> 00:10:46,820
No, they'll call back.
278
00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:48,343
Peg, please.
279
00:10:48,343 --> 00:10:49,910
All right, bossy.
280
00:10:55,393 --> 00:10:57,700
[chuckles]
281
00:10:57,700 --> 00:10:59,702
So, uh...
282
00:10:59,702 --> 00:11:01,095
what do you think?
283
00:11:01,095 --> 00:11:03,010
Mary said she wants
to come back?
284
00:11:03,010 --> 00:11:04,751
Not in so many words.
285
00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:06,013
But I know
if you asked her,
286
00:11:06,013 --> 00:11:07,710
it would just mean
the world to me,
287
00:11:07,710 --> 00:11:10,191
to her, to us...
[chuckles]
288
00:11:10,191 --> 00:11:11,540
To God.
289
00:11:11,540 --> 00:11:13,063
I'll pray on it.
290
00:11:13,063 --> 00:11:14,325
Great.
291
00:11:16,066 --> 00:11:17,589
[sighs]
292
00:11:17,589 --> 00:11:19,243
I'll pray on it later.
293
00:11:19,243 --> 00:11:21,115
Right. Sure.
294
00:11:27,251 --> 00:11:28,862
Fascinating.
295
00:11:30,777 --> 00:11:32,866
Why aren't you doing
what I tell you?
296
00:11:32,866 --> 00:11:34,650
We rich yet?
297
00:11:34,650 --> 00:11:35,869
Yeah, we better be.
298
00:11:35,869 --> 00:11:36,870
Evan went nuts.
299
00:11:36,870 --> 00:11:38,306
He got garlic sticks.
300
00:11:38,306 --> 00:11:40,264
Did either of you
authorize the algorithm
301
00:11:40,264 --> 00:11:41,657
to make foreign trades?
302
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:43,746
No.
No.
303
00:11:43,746 --> 00:11:45,269
Well, that's what it's doing.
304
00:11:45,269 --> 00:11:47,968
We own 7,000 shares
of Chow Fat Enterprises
305
00:11:47,968 --> 00:11:49,534
on the Hong Kong exchange.
306
00:11:50,797 --> 00:11:51,754
Fascinating.
307
00:11:51,754 --> 00:11:53,103
That's what I said.
308
00:11:55,497 --> 00:11:57,064
It's trading on its own?
309
00:11:57,064 --> 00:11:58,587
It would seem so.
310
00:11:58,587 --> 00:12:00,763
Uh, we... need to
stop it, pull the plug.
311
00:12:00,763 --> 00:12:02,504
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
312
00:12:02,504 --> 00:12:03,505
Are we up or down?
313
00:12:03,505 --> 00:12:04,593
We're up.
314
00:12:04,593 --> 00:12:06,116
Then what's the problem?
315
00:12:06,116 --> 00:12:07,988
The problem is
we've lost control.
316
00:12:07,988 --> 00:12:09,337
This is
Frankenstein's monster.
317
00:12:09,337 --> 00:12:10,773
You say that
like it's a bad thing.
318
00:12:10,773 --> 00:12:12,079
What?
319
00:12:12,079 --> 00:12:13,515
To reanimate life was
320
00:12:13,515 --> 00:12:14,690
an incredible
scientific achievement.
321
00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:15,647
The real bad guys
in the story are
322
00:12:15,647 --> 00:12:16,997
the ignorant villagers.
323
00:12:16,997 --> 00:12:19,651
You were on
the monster's side?
324
00:12:19,651 --> 00:12:21,001
Unfairly hounded
for being different?
325
00:12:21,001 --> 00:12:22,002
You betcha.
326
00:12:22,002 --> 00:12:23,394
Guys, guys, guys.
327
00:12:23,394 --> 00:12:24,656
Chow Fat stock just split.
328
00:12:24,656 --> 00:12:26,397
We have 14,000 shares.
329
00:12:26,397 --> 00:12:29,966
So, we created an algorithm
that's evolving by itself
330
00:12:29,966 --> 00:12:31,838
and becoming a new
form of intelligence?
331
00:12:32,839 --> 00:12:34,492
And I, Sheldon Cooper,
332
00:12:34,492 --> 00:12:36,538
wholeheartedly think
it's terrific.
333
00:12:36,538 --> 00:12:38,714
[quietly]:
It may be listening.
334
00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:42,239
♪
335
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:44,502
How do we do this?
336
00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:45,982
We just got to wait
for someone
337
00:12:45,982 --> 00:12:47,114
who's old enough to buy beer
338
00:12:47,114 --> 00:12:48,811
but young enough to be cool.
339
00:12:48,811 --> 00:12:49,899
Got it.
340
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:52,815
- Try him.
- Excuse me, sir--
341
00:12:52,815 --> 00:12:54,295
Buy your own beer.
342
00:12:54,295 --> 00:12:55,383
Thank you.
343
00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:57,994
I think he was onto us.
344
00:12:59,996 --> 00:13:01,389
Let me try.
345
00:13:02,433 --> 00:13:03,957
- Hey.
- Hey.
346
00:13:03,957 --> 00:13:07,134
Would you buy me beer?
I forgot my ID at home.
347
00:13:07,134 --> 00:13:08,526
How old are you?
348
00:13:08,526 --> 00:13:09,876
Um...
349
00:13:09,876 --> 00:13:10,877
thirty.
350
00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:12,487
[scoffs]
351
00:13:12,487 --> 00:13:14,010
Twenty-five?
352
00:13:14,010 --> 00:13:16,360
[sighs] This isn't working.
353
00:13:16,360 --> 00:13:18,928
Maybe the party was
a bad idea.
354
00:13:18,928 --> 00:13:21,104
Hey, mister,
355
00:13:21,104 --> 00:13:22,366
will you buy us some beer?
356
00:13:22,366 --> 00:13:24,064
I'm not old enough.
357
00:13:27,371 --> 00:13:29,156
Those guys thought
I was a grown-up.
358
00:13:29,156 --> 00:13:30,592
Billy!
359
00:13:30,592 --> 00:13:32,072
What?
360
00:13:32,072 --> 00:13:34,335
CLARK:
- Here's your change.
- Thank you.
361
00:13:34,335 --> 00:13:37,860
♪ I'm on my way to Italy
362
00:13:37,860 --> 00:13:40,384
♪ From the Gulf of Mexico...
363
00:13:40,384 --> 00:13:41,516
You can go now.
364
00:13:41,516 --> 00:13:43,431
Thank you.[shoes squeaking]
365
00:13:48,392 --> 00:13:49,393
Howdy, neighbor.
366
00:13:49,393 --> 00:13:51,874
Pastor Jeff,
how nice to see you.
367
00:13:51,874 --> 00:13:53,354
Am I interrupting
anything?
368
00:13:53,354 --> 00:13:55,660
No, no, come on in.
369
00:13:57,662 --> 00:13:59,360
So, what brings you by?
370
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:02,015
Well, I've been
thinking, uh,
371
00:14:02,015 --> 00:14:03,712
we really miss you
over at the church
372
00:14:03,712 --> 00:14:06,454
and maybe you might
consider coming back.
373
00:14:06,454 --> 00:14:08,151
Well...
374
00:14:08,151 --> 00:14:11,763
that's awful kind of you,
but I've joined a new church.
375
00:14:11,763 --> 00:14:13,809
Oh! The Methodists got you,
didn't they?
376
00:14:13,809 --> 00:14:15,202
Oh, no.
377
00:14:15,202 --> 00:14:16,899
Reverend Travis Lemon.
378
00:14:16,899 --> 00:14:19,380
Oh, not the fella
with the hair.
379
00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:22,644
Mary, he's
a snake oil salesman,
380
00:14:22,644 --> 00:14:23,950
taking people's money
381
00:14:23,950 --> 00:14:25,038
and promising 'em
all kinds of riches.
382
00:14:25,038 --> 00:14:26,648
Well...
383
00:14:28,432 --> 00:14:32,567
Then how do you explain
this check I got from the IRS?
384
00:14:32,567 --> 00:14:34,395
$800.
385
00:14:34,395 --> 00:14:35,918
I sent Reverend Travis $50
386
00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:37,615
and that came
the very next day.
387
00:14:37,615 --> 00:14:40,009
Oh, come on.
388
00:14:40,009 --> 00:14:42,925
It had to be in the mail
before you sent your money in.
389
00:14:42,925 --> 00:14:44,361
Did it?
390
00:14:44,361 --> 00:14:47,408
Of course. I'm as patriotic
as the next guy,
391
00:14:47,408 --> 00:14:50,454
but our postal service
flat-out sucks.
392
00:14:50,454 --> 00:14:51,629
Excuse my French.
393
00:14:51,629 --> 00:14:54,284
Well, we disagree.
394
00:14:54,284 --> 00:14:56,591
Reverend Travis says
that the Lord wants me
395
00:14:56,591 --> 00:14:58,854
to be prosperous
and I believe him.
396
00:14:58,854 --> 00:15:01,248
This is nothing
but a coincidence.
397
00:15:01,248 --> 00:15:02,771
You overpaid your taxes,
398
00:15:02,771 --> 00:15:05,817
you got a refund,
Jesus has nothing to do with it.
399
00:15:05,817 --> 00:15:07,384
You sound like Sheldon.
400
00:15:09,691 --> 00:15:11,649
I believe I know my way out.
401
00:15:11,649 --> 00:15:12,912
Mm.
402
00:15:14,174 --> 00:15:16,785
♪ Like me care for you?
403
00:15:16,785 --> 00:15:18,613
♪ Ah ♪ ♪ Why do I bother...
404
00:15:18,613 --> 00:15:20,093
Help me move this,
will you?
405
00:15:20,093 --> 00:15:21,094
What are you doing?
406
00:15:21,094 --> 00:15:22,486
Making a dance floor.
407
00:15:22,486 --> 00:15:24,532
- I'm a very good dancer.
- Really?
408
00:15:24,532 --> 00:15:26,621
My mom says so. Watch.
409
00:15:26,621 --> 00:15:28,623
♪ I saw the sign
410
00:15:28,623 --> 00:15:30,625
♪ And it opened up my eyes... [phone ringing]
411
00:15:30,625 --> 00:15:31,974
I'll get it.
412
00:15:31,974 --> 00:15:34,107
♪ Life is demanding...
413
00:15:34,107 --> 00:15:36,022
- Sparks' residence.
- Hey, sweetie.
414
00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:37,197
Oh. Hey, Mom.
415
00:15:37,197 --> 00:15:38,633
You okay there
all by yourself?
416
00:15:38,633 --> 00:15:40,896
I'm not by myself,
Missy's here.
417
00:15:41,766 --> 00:15:43,159
W-wait, she's not here.
418
00:15:43,159 --> 00:15:44,552
Put her on.
419
00:15:44,552 --> 00:15:45,770
Okay.
420
00:15:45,770 --> 00:15:47,598
♪ But where do you belong?
421
00:15:48,817 --> 00:15:50,036
Hey, Mrs. Sparks.
422
00:15:50,036 --> 00:15:51,298
What are y'all up to?
423
00:15:51,298 --> 00:15:52,473
Just hanging out.
424
00:15:52,473 --> 00:15:53,778
Cut the crap.
425
00:15:53,778 --> 00:15:54,823
You throwing a party,
ain't you?
426
00:15:54,823 --> 00:15:56,651
What? No.
427
00:15:56,651 --> 00:15:58,653
Relax, I'm all for it.
428
00:15:58,653 --> 00:16:00,350
I want my son to have a life.
429
00:16:00,350 --> 00:16:02,700
Wait, he's invited right?
430
00:16:02,700 --> 00:16:04,659
'Course. We're just
making a dance floor.
431
00:16:04,659 --> 00:16:06,835
Oh, God, Missy,
do not let him dance.
432
00:16:06,835 --> 00:16:08,750
♪ Bring me joy?
433
00:16:08,750 --> 00:16:10,839
♪ Under the pale moon.
434
00:16:10,839 --> 00:16:13,973
MARY:
Lord, I know everyone thinks
I'm being foolish
435
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,713
giving money
to Reverend Travis,
436
00:16:15,713 --> 00:16:18,586
but why wouldn't you want us
to be prosperous?
437
00:16:18,586 --> 00:16:20,849
You love us, it makes sense.
438
00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:24,461
And I got that IRS check,
which feels like a sign.
439
00:16:24,461 --> 00:16:27,160
And I think I know a sign
when I see one.
440
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,379
[crow cawing]
Ugh. Oh!
441
00:16:31,425 --> 00:16:32,382
Oh!
442
00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:33,862
Ew!
443
00:16:33,862 --> 00:16:35,037
What's going on?
444
00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:37,039
A bird did its business
in my eye.
445
00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:39,172
Better than your mouth, right?
446
00:16:39,172 --> 00:16:40,608
You think you're funny?!
447
00:16:40,608 --> 00:16:42,392
Yeah.
448
00:16:43,219 --> 00:16:44,525
We may have a problem.
449
00:16:44,525 --> 00:16:45,874
Oh, what's wrong?
450
00:16:45,874 --> 00:16:47,049
The program's running
really slow.
451
00:16:47,049 --> 00:16:48,050
We're losing money.
452
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:49,312
Well, what's happening?
453
00:16:49,312 --> 00:16:50,618
It was fine this morning.
454
00:16:50,618 --> 00:16:52,663
I don't know
if this is related,
455
00:16:52,663 --> 00:16:54,187
but I did add
a new subroutine.
456
00:16:54,187 --> 00:16:55,971
To do what?
457
00:16:55,971 --> 00:16:57,581
To resolve
the inconsistencies
458
00:16:57,581 --> 00:16:59,453
between general relativity
and quantum mechanics.
459
00:16:59,453 --> 00:17:00,802
Why would you do that?
460
00:17:00,802 --> 00:17:02,543
Because our algorithm's
so smart
461
00:17:02,543 --> 00:17:04,066
and it's the biggest unanswered
question in the universe.
462
00:17:04,066 --> 00:17:05,372
But it's messing
with the computer.
463
00:17:05,372 --> 00:17:06,590
We're losing money.
464
00:17:06,590 --> 00:17:08,723
What about my car?
What about girls?
465
00:17:08,723 --> 00:17:11,204
Rest assured,
you solve general relativity,
466
00:17:11,204 --> 00:17:13,249
the girls will be lined up
around the block to kiss you.
467
00:17:14,946 --> 00:17:16,557
[laughter, chatter][fireworks whistling]
468
00:17:17,558 --> 00:17:20,256
Someone's having a party
and we weren't invited.
469
00:17:20,256 --> 00:17:21,649
[exhales]
470
00:17:25,261 --> 00:17:27,307
[engine cranking]
471
00:17:28,612 --> 00:17:30,310
[groans] Gosh darn it.
472
00:17:31,267 --> 00:17:32,834
[sighs]
473
00:17:34,836 --> 00:17:36,316
Stupid car.
474
00:17:37,273 --> 00:17:38,927
Oh! [gasps]
475
00:17:38,927 --> 00:17:40,146
[groaning]
476
00:17:42,626 --> 00:17:44,933
- Make it stop.
- I'm trying, it doesn't want to.
477
00:17:44,933 --> 00:17:46,413
I think it finds the question
too interesting.
478
00:17:46,413 --> 00:17:48,067
Ooh, but it's messing
with the computer.
479
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:50,504
- We're losing everything.
- I don't know
what else to do.
480
00:17:58,425 --> 00:17:59,991
You could have just
unplugged it.
481
00:17:59,991 --> 00:18:01,776
Or at least
opened the window.
482
00:18:02,733 --> 00:18:04,257
I showered for nothing.
483
00:18:09,827 --> 00:18:11,612
[Roman candle flares whistling,
music playing nearby]
484
00:18:11,612 --> 00:18:13,309
You know, honey,
nothing much you can do
485
00:18:13,309 --> 00:18:15,050
about a broken toe.
486
00:18:15,050 --> 00:18:17,052
Unless you think
Reverend Travis can fix it.
487
00:18:17,052 --> 00:18:18,706
Maybe I'll stick it
up your butt.
488
00:18:18,706 --> 00:18:20,664
Mary Cooper. Language.
489
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,406
I'm going to bed.
490
00:18:23,406 --> 00:18:24,407
[candle flare whistles,
window shatters]
491
00:18:24,407 --> 00:18:25,539
Ah!
492
00:18:30,674 --> 00:18:32,023
I'm in.
493
00:18:32,023 --> 00:18:34,374
My bottom is scorched,
don't look at it.
494
00:18:43,905 --> 00:18:46,125
And as we're passing
the collection plate,
495
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,562
let's give a warm welcome
to the Coopers
496
00:18:48,562 --> 00:18:50,172
who are back in the fold.
497
00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:51,869
Our donation room
is looking
498
00:18:51,869 --> 00:18:53,219
a little empty
after the tornado.
499
00:18:53,219 --> 00:18:55,221
So please bring in
your canned goods,
500
00:18:55,221 --> 00:18:56,439
your used clothing--
501
00:18:56,439 --> 00:18:57,788
[retching]
502
00:18:59,225 --> 00:19:01,531
- Is that beer?
- Oh, my--
503
00:19:01,531 --> 00:19:03,577
[retching]
504
00:19:03,577 --> 00:19:05,144
Anyway, welcome back Coopers.
505
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,842
Please turn to page 37
in your hymnals.
506
00:19:12,325 --> 00:19:14,283
♪
507
00:19:14,283 --> 00:19:16,329
Captioning sponsored by
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508
00:19:16,329 --> 00:19:18,331
WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
509
00:19:18,331 --> 00:19:20,333
and TOYOTA.
510
00:19:20,333 --> 00:19:23,379
Captioned by
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