[screams]
Zahid, we need to talk.
Please sit down of your own accord.
Of my own accord? Okay.
What's going on, Sammy?
What's going on is Gretchen is the worst.
The last time you dated her, she sucked out your life force
and left you at the altar. You need to break up with her.
You make some good points, Sammy.
-But there's one problem. -What?
I refuse.
But she's awful.
I know.
But ever since I found out about my love lump,
I'm all about the Gretch. It's like my junk has taken over.
I'm not even the one that called her. My dong dialed the phone, Sam.
It wasn't a butt dial. It was a… [chuckles]
…a nut dial.
I doubt that.
Anyhoo, you got nothing to worry about, brother.
This time around, me and Gretch are purely sexual.
We're just two mutually-consenting alphas
sport-grinding our way through the Kama Sutra.
It's like a bucket list for my balls.
Is that so wrong?
Yes. You're acting like Robert Falcon Scott.
Thank you?
You're not welcome.
Successful explorers plan and take precautions,
but Robert Falcon Scott just wanted to be macho.
So he tried to cross Antarctica by man-hauling.
-What is that? -It means he and his crew
carried all of their equipment and supplies instead of using dogs.
They got so tired, they died.
Well, I'll def make sure to hydrate.
-Is that all? -[Sam] No.
Gretchen is bad news, and I don't want you to date her.
Sadly in the case of Wanters v. Getters,
the jury sides with my balls.
Gretchen stays.
Good talk, bestie.
[calm music playing]
How come no one in this house knows how to put the top back on the milk?
We do. We just think it's funny when you spill it all the time.
[sighs]
So guess what they sell at the fancy grocery store down the block?
Like, a bunch of different type of peanut butters from different nuts,
except they don't taste as good, and they cost twice as much?
Yes, but also ta-da!
It's a sourdough starter. It's like the one Mom murdered.
Oh, more goo.
Yeah. Well, it's not really about the goo.
The goo's symbolic.
It's about you finding something else to focus on other than my track stuff.
I know I've been a little intense, okay?
I'm sorry. It's just--
It's exciting having a kid with so much potential, a star.
[scoffs]
I'm not a star.
Yeah, you are.
Anyway, I just wanna make sure you're focused
and not letting things distract you.
Things.
Like the "thing" staying in Sam's room?
I'm just saying.
Oh, holy crap. Did Mom make another pie?
Yes, but this one has a higher purpose. This is not for you.
A higher purpose? What, is it gonna be the next pope?
-Just a tiny taste. Just a tiny taste. -[Doug] No. I said no.
What's up with your fingernails?
Nothing.
Bye.
[Sam] I just don't understand it.
How can he be with Gretchen again?
She's controlling, she hates higher education,
and she breaks the law.
She sounds perfect.
What? I like bad girls.
My last girlfriend ran me over with the Vespa.
I miss her.
Well, if you're done complaining about some girl we've never met,
I got an opportunity for you.
How are you doing on funds for your Antarctica trip?
Only okay, but I still need a lot more.
That's what I thought.
Oh, look at that cute guy!
I got this lady, total kook,
wants to commission a portrait of her cat dressed as a cowboy.
No, thank you. I already have enough terrible things annoying me right now.
Job pays $500.
Here's her list of demands.
She wants it wearing chaps and a ten-gallon hat?
I am not gonna like this.
I know.
[sighs]
Hey, so I was looking through your bag to find a T-shirt to steal--
-Invasive. -And you realize that all you packed
are a bunch of socks and a sports bra, right?
Yeah, I know.
I packed up pretty quickly.
My mom kicked me out.
Oh.
I didn't--
What happened?
Oh, you know, just my mom being my mom.
I was gonna tell you,
but I didn't wanna talk about it right away.
It's okay. I understand.
Hmm.
Do you wanna go to a party?
What?
Erika's having some people over, and it might be fun.
I love fun. Um…
But what about the track meet?
I mean, shouldn't we be, like, resting up?
Probably.
Hmm.
But I told her I'd be there.
That's okay. I'll just go by myself.
No, I'll go with you.
-You will? -Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I mean, I love parties, and I love people,
so I'm kind of a party person.
Okay.
[both chuckle]
Thank you.
[Gretchen and Zahid laughing]
[banging]
[Paige] Today is a red-letter day.
-It is? -Yes.
After all this time, I've finally been added to the Gardner Gab text thread.
I mean, I've felt like an honorary family member for years,
but this really seals the deal.
I just have to figure out what my first contribution will be.
It's either gonna be a meme of a pirate that says, "We argh family,"
or it's gonna be yellow marshmallow chicks,
and it says, "Hi, my peeps."
What do you think?
I don't care.
Okay. Well, that was rude.
I'm sorry.
I'm just not interested,
and I'm distracted by this dumb cat I have to draw.
I don't even know where to start.
Want my advice?
Just be yourself with it. You're a brilliant artist, Sam.
I'm sure that whatever you do is gonna be amazing.
Maybe if I could focus,
but that's impossible with Zahid and Gretchen
having loud sex all day in his room,
and the bathroom, and the kitchen.
And I'm pretty sure I caught them doing something gross in the parking garage,
but I ran away before I could confirm.
Well, I can certainly get that.
But, I mean, you do have to admit,
they have some sort of animalistic chemistry.
By comparison,
our S-E-X life is a little quiet.
I mean, I'm still on my first S-E-X candle.
I had to dust it off last week.
At least it's clean.
Well, I have been thinking, and you're leaving soon,
and I think we should take advantage of the time that we have left.
We should have more S-E-X.
Oh, okay.
Good.
Next time I come over, it is on.
And by "it," I do not mean our clothes because those will definitely be off.
Hmm.
[knocking]
Hi, Mom.
Hello.
Come in.
This pie…
[sighs]
…is delicious.
-I'm so glad you like it. -[chuckles] Oh yes.
You always loved cherries.
Do you remember that trip we took to Michigan?
First day there, you went missing.
I found you picking cherries in back, so many.
Your hands, face, bright red.
You looked like you must have committed some sort of grisly crime.
[Lillian laughs]
I can't believe you remember that.
Of course I do. That was a big day.
-And then we baked! -Yes, we did. We baked.
You know, I think I have photos of that vacation.
Wait here, and I'll get them.
And when I come back,
I'm gonna need another slice of that scrumptious pie.
What the heck is this?
That's my Wild West cat drawing.
Where's the ten-gallon hat? Where are the chaps?
She specifically asked for chaps.
There are definitely no chaps on this cat.
I know, but I don't love cats,
and I've never tried to draw anything I didn't really love before.
My girlfriend said to just make it my own, so that's what I did.
That was terrible advice.
Oh.
Did I make a mistake here? Do I need a new artist?
Because for 500 bones,
my ten-year-old niece could whip this out in two Scooby-Doos.
No, I know I can draw something ugly.
I just need to concentrate, even though that's gonna be even harder
now that my girlfriend wants to ramp up our sex life.
Well, there's your problem.
You can't channel the cat because you're too worried about the puss.
What?
Isaac Newton, Nikola Tesla, Mozart.
All the greats swore off sex to maximize artistic output.
That's why I swore off sex too.
You swore off sex because the girl you like
got a boyfriend on the wrestling team.
There were a lot of considerations.
[sighs] It's perfect.
[sighs]
Well, hello, mister.
Bad news, Paige.
Sid says we can't have sex until I finish this Wild West cat.
What?
I've sworn off sex.
Sid says it's either sex or success, and I'm choosing success.
If I wanna go to Antarctica, I have to.
Sid said that?
It's too bad. It looks like we were gonna get it on like nobody's business.
Well, fine. I-- I guess I'll just go home then.
Okay. Bye, Paige.
[Paige sighs]
What's up your butt?
Nothing. I'm fine.
God! You know, it's just that
Sam and I were supposed to have a nice night with…
[whispers] …sex.
And now we're not.
Gotcha. Sexual dysfunction.
No. No, we don't have dysfunction.
I just wanted to liven things up a teeny tiny bit.
Oh, Paige,
you're so dumb.
Excuse me?
Look, if you wanna knock more boots,
you just gotta figure out your guy's kink.
His what?
Excuse me, could you please keep it down out here?
Sid needs this drawing ASAP,
and I can't remember what a spittoon looks like.
This Sid guy's really riding you hard, huh?
[Sam] What?
No, Sid's a girl.
Sid is obviously a girl's name.
Now, please, inside voices only.
-[door closes] -Sid is a girl?
You didn't know?
[inhales deeply]
You were saying?
Okay, so… [sighs]
Guys are like animals, and not even smart ones like dolphins.
So you just gotta figure out what makes them tick.
Like, Zahid is super visual.
Watch and learn.
-[Paige gasps] -[camera clicking]
[whispers] Three, two,
one.
-[door opens] -[Zahid] Madam.
I require your attendance in the boudoir.
Hie, milady, hie.
-See? Later, tater. [laughs] -[Zahid laughs]
-You okay? -[Gretchen] Yeah.
[door closes]
We talked, we laughed, we ate pie,
but also she was kind.
She listened.
And it was actually
fun.
I don't know.
And for the first time in forever, I-- I'm actually hopeful.
-I'm gonna see her again next week. -Oh, that's so good.
Hey, you-- you think I should check on Casey?
Isn't it time for lights out?
Oh, she's not here. I let her go out with Izzie tonight.
But her track meet's in a couple of days.
You really think now is the time to slack off?
Yes, I do.
And I'm gonna pour you another glass of wine
'cause you're being a buzzkill.
[sighing] Okay.
I don't wanna be a buzzkill.
[sighs deeply]
You got this.
[breathes deeply]
[camera clicks]
[sighs]
[squeals quietly]
[phone chimes]
What?
[phone chimes]
Oh no! No, no, no, no, no, no! [gasps]
-[phone chimes] -Oh my God!
Oh no.
[laughing]
At least it's a cute butt though.
I appreciate the days-of-the-week underwear.
You know, you lose track of time, and you just glance at your tush.
-Right. -[all laugh]
Oh, you two are, like, the perfect couple.
I am never gonna find this.
Oh no, we have issues too.
Yeah, she has really sharp toenails.
-They're actually more like talons. -Mmm.
She just did a test for me last week.
-No. Are you serious? -Yeah.
But I'm not mad about it anymore.
There is just this one tiny thing that still bothers me.
What?
I just know if the school found out, nothing would happen to Casey.
Like, if she just walked in there and turned herself in.
But if they thought it was me, I mean, I would be kicked out for sure.
Casey's just, like, untouchable.
-[laughs] -That--
No way. That's crazy.
I'll bet you $100.
[laughs] Oh!
-That's not true. -What, that I have $100?
[clicks tongue] You're right about that.
[Izzie and Erika laugh]
-Hey, Izzie. Breakfast? -Oh no, it's okay. Just coffee, please.
How about just eggs, and bacon,
and fruit, and pie?
-I mean, okay. Thank you. -[door opens]
[door closes]
[Doug] Check this out.
It's from UCLA.
What is this? Are you opening my mail?
I'm sorry. It said UCLA. I got excited.
It's an official letter of interest. It means they're really interested in you.
They're even gonna send a recruiter to watch you run at the next race.
Our little speedster!
-I'm so proud of you, Casey. -Me too.
It's happening.
For both of us.
No, for you.
No time to let up now. Pedal to the metal, right?
[sighs]
[breathing erratically]
I cheated.
I did Izzie's physics test.
And I'm prepared to accept my punishment, whatever it may be.
I appreciate that.
Thanks for letting me know.
We're all good.
What?
You told the truth, got it off your chest.
Now fly, little birdie.
That's it?
I'm not in trouble?
Do you wanna be?
You wanna go to UCLA. It's your dream school.
You made a mistake. You came clean. We're all good.
Now go make Clayton Prep proud at that track meet.
Okay.
[door opens]
Hey, Sammy, what's up? You're not working today.
Gretchen ate my hash browns.
Ooh, yeah, sorry, homie. She did leave an IOU though.
I'll pick some up the next time I'm at the store.
Or you could break up with Gretchen, which would address the larger problem.
[sighs] Really? This again?
Yes, this again. Always this.
Look, it is my decision.
And if you think it's a bad one,
well, there's nothing I can really do about that.
I bet that's exactly what Robert Falcon Scott said to his crew
when he brought ponies to Antarctica instead of sled dogs.
That's right, ponies.
Walking through the snow in Antarctica.
No, man, you don't get it.
At first, Gretchen and I were just bumping crotch.
But the more we kick it…
I was wrong about her. She's actually awesome.
Gretchen is atrocious.
Well,
if that's gonna be your attitude,
then maybe I don't want you coming to my ultrasound,
or any appointments.
I'll ask Gretchen. At least I know she cares about me
and my balls!
-Fine, I won't. -Good!
[Paige sighs]
So,
we've all seen my butt.
Oh, Paige, honey, we don't need to--
No, I-- I-- I really think that we do,
because this is not how I wanted to introduce my texting persona
to the Gardner Gab group.
I mean, you know, I'm usually so on point with the memes.
I even made one for this conversation.
-[Doug] Hmm. -Wow.
-Yeah, that's very clever. -[Paige] Yeah.
But, as you know, Sam's leaving soon,
which makes me nervous and has me craving a little more intimacy.
That's it. I'm done.
Good night, Paige.
Okay.
[sighs]
I wish I could make this better.
I usually don't do stuff this dumb, you know,
but… [sighs]
Ugh, I'm all turned around lately,
and if I could just go back in time and stop this from ever happening,
I would.
Yeah. Yeah.
Can we be done now?
Sure.
So Sam's going to Antarctica.
Oh my.
I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around that one,
but looks like it's really happening, so I probably need to.
It's just so scary.
It's terrifying to see your kids go out into the world.
But how much scarier would it be if they didn't?
My friend Jasmine,
her son is 40 years old, and he still lives at home.
He keeps his samurai sword collection in the basement.
[both laugh]
This has been so nice. Do you mind if I come back again?
I would be offended if you didn't.
Oh,
and please say hello to your mother for me.
What?
[grunting]
You didn't really turn yourself in, did you?
[panting]
I tried.
You were right. I guess I owe you $100.
Why would you do that? Because of what I said at the party?
I was just being dumb. I didn't want you to actually do it.
Yeah, I know. I just--
I felt like I had to.
Okay, well, I'm glad you didn't get suspended.
[inhales]
[Izzie] We need you.
The team needs you. You're important.
[chuckles softly]
You know it's okay for people to recognize you're special.
Ugh.
It was less stressful when no one noticed me at all.
[phone chimes]
-[knocking] -[door opens]
Hi, I'm Rich.
I'll be doing your ultrasound today.
[Zahid] Hello, Rich.
I hope you don't mind. I don't feel like talking.
No problem at all.
My girlfriend was supposed to come, but she didn't.
She's actually a terrible person.
And my best friend keeps telling me the story about this old explorer dude
who was trying to prove how manly he was and got a bunch of people killed.
And I'm thinking maybe that was me, because I'm worried.
I mean, how can a lover like the Z-man only have one nut?
Can the big dog still be a player with the ladies
even if he's down to just one dangler?
What if losing a testicle makes me less of a dude?
Zahid, you said I don't care about your balls, but I do.
And losing a testicle doesn't make you any less of a man.
In fact, I did some research, and it turns out
when one testicle is removed, the other one usually makes up for it
in terms of testosterone and sperm production.
So that's twice the sperm.
You mean,
I'll have a bionic nut?
Not really.
But kinda. Nice.
Also, guess what?
I broke up with Gretchen.
I'm sorry I didn't listen to you.
Again.
At least you did eventually.
Yeah.
But Gretchen was supposed to give me a ride after the big surgery.
I guess I'll find somebody else.
I would ask Jay and Padma, but they get real weepy real fast.
Maybe I'll Lyft it.
I'll do it.
-I'll drive you home. -But you don't drive.
-I'll learn. -Really?
Thanks, homie.
But now I have to get to work on a cowboy cat.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Hello, Sam.
I was thinking, and… [inhales deeply]
The reason that I sent the butt pic is because I got jealous,
and insecure, and controlling.
Basically, I became a Gretchen.
But I don't need her advice. I know my guy.
You feeling frisky?
No, actually, I'm feeling frustrated and uninspired.
Hmm.
[tuts]
Well,
maybe this will help.
[mimics penguin]
What are you doing?
[mimics penguin]
Holy moly. Is that--
The Adélie penguin mating dance?
It sure is.
Do you like it?
[laughs softly]
You learned this for me?
Just for you.
♪ Yeah, you ♪
[Doug] Let's go. Let's go.
[breathes heavily]
♪ Yeah, you ♪
-Hey. -Hey.
You think that's her?
Yeah, I guess.
[announcer] Runners, to your marks.
Come on. That's us.
["A List" by HVOB playing]
[breathes shakily]
[inaudible]
[breathes shakily]
[inaudible]
♪ I'd wish to have a robot heart ♪
♪ But your songs tear me apart… ♪
[announcer] Set!
-[gunshot] -[crowd cheers]
♪ I've tried to hold you, but I can't ♪
Go!
Casey, run!
♪ I will put someday on the list ♪
[breathing shakily]