1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:00,000 MoviesWbb.COM 2 00:01:25,185 --> 00:01:30,054 AMY: I’m Amy Mitchell. And this year, I ruined Christmas. 3 00:01:31,358 --> 00:01:33,121 Christmas is by far 4 00:01:33,226 --> 00:01:35,888 the most stressful time of the year for moms. 5 00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:38,022 There are a million things to do. 6 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:42,194 And you have to do them all perfectly or else you will never forgive yourself. 7 00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:44,464 And more importantly, neither will your kids. 8 00:01:45,606 --> 00:01:48,700 I literally feel like the worst mom in the world right now. 9 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:50,432 (CAMEL GRUNTS) 10 00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:57,810 Maybe I should start at the beginning. 11 00:02:03,924 --> 00:02:06,051 I‘ve always loved Christmas. 12 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:08,458 It's my favorite time of the year. 13 00:02:08,996 --> 00:02:12,295 Most of all, Have the time with my family. 14 00:02:16,236 --> 00:02:19,501 Because all I want, all any mom wants, 15 00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:22,131 is for their kids to have an amazing Christmas. 16 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:30,413 Thalsaid. Christmas is an insane amount of work. 17 00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:33,317 First, you have to buy gifts for every human being 18 00:02:33,420 --> 00:02:34,512 you've ever met. (GLASS SHATTERING) 19 00:02:34,621 --> 00:02:37,681 I gave my coffee guy a scented candle this year. 20 00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:39,456 Why did I do that? 21 00:02:40,293 --> 00:02:44,787 Then you have to decorate your house. Which, clearly. [suck at. 22 00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:48,028 I'm doing the best I can, Charmaine! 23 00:02:48,201 --> 00:02:51,102 Then you have to go to all your kids' Christmas shows, 24 00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:52,195 which are... 25 00:02:52,305 --> 00:02:54,603 (PLAYS OFF-KEY) 26 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:55,699 Yeah. 27 00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:59,304 Then there's all the over-the-top Christmas parties. 28 00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:02,311 Oh. my God. Are these lobster Santa hats? 29 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:05,709 Are these a thing now? What the fuck? 30 00:03:06,386 --> 00:03:10,117 Then there's all the cooking, all the cleaning, 31 00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:13,125 all the wrapping, it's insane. 32 00:03:13,860 --> 00:03:16,192 There '5 just never enough time. 33 00:03:16,396 --> 00:03:17,488 (GROANS) 34 00:03:26,073 --> 00:03:27,062 JANE: Hi, Mom. DYLAN: Hey, Mom. 35 00:03:27,174 --> 00:03:28,801 Hey. How was the game? JESSIE: Hey. 36 00:03:28,875 --> 00:03:30,706 It was great. The Bulls won. Yes. 37 00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:32,301 Congratulations. Yes! 38 00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:34,141 Hi, honey. How are you, baby? 39 00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,842 Wow. Your house looks really great. 40 00:03:36,917 --> 00:03:38,145 Oh, thank you. 41 00:03:38,218 --> 00:03:40,049 I still got lots left to do, but... 42 00:03:40,187 --> 00:03:41,916 Can Ido anything to help? No. 43 00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:44,252 No. Not unless you know how to magically fix Christmas lights. 44 00:03:44,658 --> 00:03:46,148 Yeah, yeah, I can do that. 45 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,751 Yeah, you just swap out the fuse. It's pretty easy. 46 00:03:49,529 --> 00:03:51,326 That's pretty hot. lwon't lie. 47 00:03:52,265 --> 00:03:54,358 Oh, you're definitely getting the gold-star treatment tonight. 48 00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:56,925 I like that, but hold that thought. Okay. 49 00:03:58,939 --> 00:04:00,031 Oh. 50 00:04:00,273 --> 00:04:02,605 Your dad is awesome. 51 00:04:02,709 --> 00:04:04,176 I thought you hated him. 52 00:04:04,377 --> 00:04:07,403 What? No, honey, why would you say that? 53 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,413 When you came over to the house last week, 54 00:04:10,517 --> 00:04:14,419 I heard you and Daddy in the bedroom and you kept screaming at him. 55 00:04:15,522 --> 00:04:16,614 0h... 56 00:04:17,390 --> 00:04:20,757 Yeah, no, honey, those were... Those were happy screams. 57 00:04:20,861 --> 00:04:22,123 They didn't sound happy. 58 00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:26,191 And then you punched the wall and yelled the f-word. 59 00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:31,233 Okay, I, um, yeah, Idon't really recall doing that so... 60 00:04:31,304 --> 00:04:32,794 Yeah, Idon't know it that happened. 61 00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:34,396 You did. You were like, 62 00:04:34,474 --> 00:04:36,066 "Oh, my fucking God!" 63 00:04:36,476 --> 00:04:37,773 Just like that. 64 00:04:37,878 --> 00:04:41,041 "Oh, my fucking God!" Okay, all right. (SHUSHES) 65 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,275 (CHUCKLES) Urn... Here's the thing, 66 00:04:43,383 --> 00:04:46,443 your dad and lwerejust playing a fun little grown-up game. 67 00:04:46,553 --> 00:04:48,384 You played the game seven times. 68 00:04:49,489 --> 00:04:50,751 Six and a half. But who's counting? 69 00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,415 Here's the thing, let's just not... 70 00:04:52,492 --> 00:04:54,289 Just not talk about this. Cool? 71 00:04:54,394 --> 00:04:55,827 Cool. Got it. High-five. 72 00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:57,453 (CELL PHONE CHIMES) Awesome. 73 00:05:02,335 --> 00:05:03,393 Oh, no. 74 00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:05,602 What is it? 75 00:05:07,274 --> 00:05:09,105 My mother's coming for Christmas. 76 00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,676 Oh, my fucking God! 77 00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:18,612 Thanks for helping me decorate the tree, guys. 78 00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:22,914 Bernard, let's hang 'em on the tree, okay, buddy? 79 00:05:23,857 --> 00:05:27,088 on. Who put the big brown ornament right on the front of the tree? 80 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,320 It looks like doodie. 81 00:05:28,428 --> 00:05:31,420 Yes, it does, baby, and that's why Mommy's gonna move it around back. 82 00:05:31,498 --> 00:05:34,092 Oh, no, sweetie, we don't drink the tree water. 83 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,498 We don't drink the tree water 84 00:05:35,602 --> 00:05:36,762 'cause we're people, right? (CRYING) 85 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,998 Mommy, is there a Santa Claus? 86 00:05:39,105 --> 00:05:40,265 KlKl: You bet there is, buddy. 87 00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:41,771 (CONTINUES CRYING) I know. 88 00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:43,275 Are you lying to me, Mommy? 89 00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:45,038 Oh, God. Make it stop. 90 00:05:45,145 --> 00:05:46,942 What else have you lied about? 91 00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:49,610 Hey, babe. Hey, Dad. 92 00:05:49,716 --> 00:05:51,274 Hi, guys. Hi. 93 00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:52,613 You all right? Yeah. 94 00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:55,681 Tree looks great. Thank you. 95 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,154 Want me to feed the twins? Yes, please. 96 00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:59,325 Hey, buddy. Good to see you. Thank you. 97 00:05:59,392 --> 00:06:00,791 Let's get some food. It's okay, buddy. 98 00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:01,987 Oh, it's all right. (DOORBELL RINGS) 99 00:06:08,335 --> 00:06:10,735 (GASPS) Merry Christmas, Kiki! 100 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:15,069 Mom! Hi... Oh, my gosh. 101 00:06:15,175 --> 00:06:17,143 I thought you weren't coming until Friday. 102 00:06:17,210 --> 00:06:19,201 Well, ljust hopped on an earlier flight. 103 00:06:19,679 --> 00:06:21,579 Three days earlier? 104 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:25,173 (SIGHS) Oh. I haven't made up the guest bedroom or anything. So... 105 00:06:25,252 --> 00:06:29,154 That's okay. I'll just sleep with you. Big spoon, little spoon. 106 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:31,190 I usually sleep with my husband now. 107 00:06:31,258 --> 00:06:33,089 Hey, you wanna see the sweatshirt I made? 108 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:37,424 (SIGHS) I love this picture. 109 00:06:37,530 --> 00:06:39,828 And look, you were just getting your little tiny breasts. 110 00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:41,359 Well, one of 'em anyway. 111 00:06:41,434 --> 00:06:43,595 You just got here, let's not talk about my breasts. 112 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,534 Then the other one popped out. (CHUCKLES) Yeah. 113 00:06:45,605 --> 00:06:49,041 Thank goodness! Oh, Keeks! 114 00:06:49,376 --> 00:06:50,843 lfyou play your cards right, 115 00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:53,038 you could get a sweatshirt just like this for Christmas. 116 00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:55,411 Oh, no. 117 00:06:55,515 --> 00:06:58,848 Oh, Kiki Dee. I cannot wait 118 00:06:58,919 --> 00:07:03,720 to spend every waking minute of the next three weeks with you. 119 00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:06,223 Mmm. Oh! 120 00:07:07,227 --> 00:07:08,524 (SNIFFING) 121 00:07:08,728 --> 00:07:09,956 Mmm... 122 00:07:10,063 --> 00:07:11,087 Are you smelling my hair? 123 00:07:11,197 --> 00:07:12,357 Yes. 124 00:07:19,372 --> 00:07:22,432 (INHALES DEEPLY) Oh, my God. 125 00:07:22,542 --> 00:07:25,875 It I have to wax one more pussy today, I'm gonna black out. 126 00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:30,974 Since when did every woman in America need a completely hairless vagina on Christmas? 127 00:07:31,318 --> 00:07:32,307 (GROANS) 128 00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:35,277 Anyone else here for a wax? 129 00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:39,925 Oh, my God, that's like 50 more vaginas. 130 00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:42,293 Okay, who‘s next? 131 00:07:44,164 --> 00:07:47,565 Oh. No, not you, Sasquatch, I can't handle you right now. 132 00:07:48,668 --> 00:07:50,329 Hmm. Let's see. 133 00:07:51,604 --> 00:07:54,801 Oh. You. Betty White. 134 00:07:56,509 --> 00:07:59,637 I'm intrigued. Come with me. 135 00:08:10,423 --> 00:08:12,084 (HORN HONKS) 136 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:16,588 Hey, what's up, lady? 137 00:08:16,963 --> 00:08:21,127 Mom? Wait, what the actual fuck? (LAUGHS) 138 00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:22,934 (LAUGHS) 139 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:26,939 (SQUEALING) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 140 00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:29,635 My God! Oh, my God! 141 00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:30,937 (LAUGHING) 142 00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:33,980 You didn't tell me you were coming for Christmas. 143 00:08:34,147 --> 00:08:35,444 It's Christmas? 144 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:37,949 Yeah, isn't that why you're here? 'Cause it's.,. 145 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:40,953 Totally! Totally why I'm here. Merry Christmas, lady. 146 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:43,990 Merry Christmas. Jesus, look at you! 147 00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:46,992 You bitch, you don't age at all. Look how fucking hot you look! 148 00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:48,118 Look at those boobs! 149 00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:50,829 0h, thanks. You're lookin' little bit older. 150 00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:53,028 But good, you look good. 151 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:55,067 What's it been, like three years? 152 00:08:55,168 --> 00:08:58,137 Three? Whoa, really? 153 00:08:58,204 --> 00:09:00,468 Oh, gosh. I don't know, babe. Idon't really know what year it is. 154 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:01,700 (LAUGHS) 155 00:09:02,509 --> 00:09:04,238 Why are you wearing black pajamas? 156 00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:07,378 Oh. No, yeah, I, uh, 157 00:09:07,914 --> 00:09:09,506 work at a spa. 158 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:11,911 You have a fucking job? 159 00:09:12,018 --> 00:09:13,849 Yeah. Yeah. 160 00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:17,422 I'm tryin' be more responsible and shit. 161 00:09:17,524 --> 00:09:21,187 Oh, you always were so weird. 162 00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:25,526 So why are you really here, Mom? 163 00:09:25,598 --> 00:09:26,929 What do you mean? 164 00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:29,491 Well, you only come when you need money. 165 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:33,733 Oh. No, no, no. I don't gamble anymore. 166 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:36,707 No, l'mjust hereto see my daughter on Easter. 167 00:09:36,776 --> 00:09:38,437 Christmas. Christmas. 168 00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:41,407 So I think we should celebrate. 169 00:09:41,514 --> 00:09:45,848 I know. Thunder Down Under is playing by the airport. 170 00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:48,183 Ithink we should hit that hard. 171 00:09:49,189 --> 00:09:50,952 Male strippers? Yeah. 172 00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:53,282 With my mother? Mmm-hmm. 173 00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:55,890 On Christmas? Yeah. 174 00:09:57,063 --> 00:09:59,031 How could I say no! (EXCLAIMS) 175 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,090 Let's go slap some wieners, bitch. 176 00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:03,465 All right! That's my girl! (WHOOPING) 177 00:10:03,570 --> 00:10:06,971 Oh, my God. Jaxon is gonna shit himselfwhen he sees you. 178 00:10:07,073 --> 00:10:09,268 Still got that kid, huh? Yup, yup. 179 00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:11,100 How old is he now? 180 00:10:11,211 --> 00:10:13,202 Uh, 15t017. 181 00:10:13,279 --> 00:10:15,645 Oh, cute, cute. Yeah. 182 00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:22,711 So your mom and dad have never been here on Christmas before? 183 00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:24,381 Uh. No, no. 184 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,925 Okay, wait. Do you think that I made enough food? 185 00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:28,626 Seriously? I can make quiche. 186 00:10:28,761 --> 00:10:31,229 I'm gonna go make quiche. Babe, everything's gonna be fine. 187 00:10:31,397 --> 00:10:33,592 No, honey, it's not gonna be fine. 188 00:10:33,666 --> 00:10:37,102 My mom is the most critical human being on the planet. 189 00:10:37,837 --> 00:10:40,499 When I was six years old, I made her a birthday card 190 00:10:40,607 --> 00:10:42,438 and she returned it with notes. 191 00:10:42,675 --> 00:10:43,664 Okay, that's fucked up. 192 00:10:43,776 --> 00:10:48,179 The point is, she's perfect at everything and she is impossible to please. 193 00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:50,511 If she's impossible to please, why're you trying so hard to please her? 194 00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:51,777 Listen, I'll tell you the truth. 195 00:10:51,851 --> 00:10:53,751 Daughters spend theirwhole lives trying to please their mothers 196 00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:56,789 and mothers spend their whole lives shitting all over their daughters. 197 00:10:56,856 --> 00:10:58,153 It's just how the world works. Okay? 198 00:10:58,258 --> 00:11:01,785 I can't fix that. I'm not fucking Beyoncé. 199 00:11:01,928 --> 00:11:03,657 (LAUGHS) Well, you are to me. 200 00:11:03,763 --> 00:11:04,991 Ugh. I love you. 201 00:11:05,098 --> 00:11:06,861 I love you. Mmm. 202 00:11:07,333 --> 00:11:08,322 Okay. 203 00:11:08,468 --> 00:11:10,527 You think your mom's gonna like me? No. 204 00:11:10,637 --> 00:11:11,831 (DOOR SLAMS OPEN) 205 00:11:12,338 --> 00:11:15,205 I'm sorry we're late, Hank drives like a girl. 206 00:11:15,308 --> 00:11:17,139 Merry Christmas, Grandma and Grandpa! Merry Christmas, Grandpa! 207 00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:18,643 Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! 208 00:11:18,711 --> 00:11:19,803 Merry Christmas, Dad! 209 00:11:19,879 --> 00:11:21,506 Here, have some Xboxes. 210 00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:23,377 Are you serious? Thank you so much! 211 00:11:23,483 --> 00:11:26,043 Mom would never let us have these. Thank you. 212 00:11:26,786 --> 00:11:30,688 Hi, Ms. Redmond, I'm Jessie. So nice to meet you. 213 00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:33,850 Please take the bags upstairs. Gracias, 214 00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:36,818 Okay. Hi, Mom. 215 00:11:36,963 --> 00:11:39,557 Amy. You look pale. Hi. 216 00:11:39,666 --> 00:11:41,531 Oh. I'm just trying out a new skin thing. 217 00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:43,864 Oh, good, it's just bad makeup. You're not dying. 218 00:11:43,970 --> 00:11:45,164 Where's your tree? 219 00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:46,671 I haven't had time to get one yet. 220 00:11:47,073 --> 00:11:48,870 Amy, it's December 19th. 221 00:11:48,975 --> 00:11:51,136 Even the Jews have Christmas trees by now. 222 00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:53,303 Never mind, we'll get one tomorrow. Okay. 223 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:55,745 Huh... Yeah. 224 00:11:55,848 --> 00:11:58,578 Do you have any food? I haven't eaten in three days. 225 00:11:58,751 --> 00:12:01,242 Yeah. Oh, gosh, yes. I have all yourfavorites. 226 00:12:01,354 --> 00:12:05,017 (LAUGHS) It's adorable. You let your kids cook. 227 00:12:07,193 --> 00:12:08,319 Okay. 228 00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:12,524 Oh, I didn't know Rite Aid made Christmas decorations. 229 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:15,997 So I have the whole week planned out. On Thursday, we'll see The Nutcracker. 230 00:12:16,069 --> 00:12:18,230 And then, of course, on Friday, we'll all go caroling. 231 00:12:18,705 --> 00:12:21,868 Unfortunately, Mike was our baritone and you're divorcing him 232 00:12:21,941 --> 00:12:25,741 so we're gonna have to fill that hole ifwe're gonna win the Caroling Cup this year. 233 00:12:25,878 --> 00:12:27,436 Oh, God, the Caroling Cup? 234 00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:31,950 Darling, when I lived here, we won the Caroling Cup nine times. 235 00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:35,919 And it's too bad you've given up on our family's tradition of winning. 236 00:12:36,022 --> 00:12:38,388 Yeah, I guess I've just been a little busy, so... 237 00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:41,621 Well, clearly not at the gym. Whoop. (CHUCKLES) 238 00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:44,856 lwantto celebrate my triumphant return to Chicago. 239 00:12:44,931 --> 00:12:47,456 lwanna throw an enormous Christmas party at your house. 240 00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:50,058 l was thinking Christmas Eve, if that's convenient? 241 00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:52,561 What? No. That's not convenient. 242 00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:54,798 I mean, we can invite all of my old friends 243 00:12:54,907 --> 00:12:56,306 and we can have a sushi station, 244 00:12:56,409 --> 00:12:59,378 and we can hire Kenny G to play Christmas music. 245 00:12:59,445 --> 00:13:01,436 I hear he's not even that expensive anymore. 246 00:13:01,547 --> 00:13:03,640 Yeah, okay. That sounds like a lot of work. 247 00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:06,116 Yeah. It's too bad I've already invited everyone. 248 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,881 Where, to my house? Yes, 184 people are coming. 249 00:13:10,089 --> 00:13:11,488 What? 250 00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:13,491 Why haven't I gotten a Christmas card from you yet? 251 00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:16,493 I don't know, Mom. I guess itjust fell through the cracks. 252 00:13:16,596 --> 00:13:18,086 What is happening with you? 253 00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:19,392 Nothing. Nothing's happening to me. 254 00:13:19,465 --> 00:13:22,901 Amy, this is Christmas. It's the big show. 255 00:13:23,069 --> 00:13:25,162 I know. You can't dick around. 256 00:13:25,471 --> 00:13:27,462 I'm not clicking around. I really feel like you're dicking around. 257 00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:29,268 Mom, I'm honestly not dicking around. Yes. 258 00:13:29,342 --> 00:13:31,776 Yes, you are dicking around. I can tell when you're clicking around. 259 00:13:31,844 --> 00:13:34,074 I'm not dicking around. Dick, dick, dick around. 260 00:13:34,147 --> 00:13:35,478 Okay. Okay. 261 00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:37,783 I'm not dicking around. 262 00:13:37,917 --> 00:13:40,909 All right, enough with the bad language. Okay. 263 00:13:42,021 --> 00:13:43,079 I like your hair. 264 00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:46,458 Really? Yeah, it looks like you're not trying so hard. 265 00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:49,190 Yeah. Love you. 266 00:13:51,931 --> 00:13:53,125 (GROANS) 267 00:13:57,036 --> 00:13:59,197 I can't do Christmas with my mother. 268 00:14:00,106 --> 00:14:01,869 It's like living with Saddam Hussein. 269 00:14:02,108 --> 00:14:05,475 My mom is only staying with me because I think she wants to steal my TV. 270 00:14:05,778 --> 00:14:08,303 Oh, I have to go Christmas tree shopping with my mother tonight. 271 00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:10,440 CARLA: Oh. Mmm-mmm. Yeah, it's like going on 272 00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:12,711 a seven-hour death march around the city. 273 00:14:13,152 --> 00:14:15,848 My daughter really wants a Happy Happy Princess Doll, 274 00:14:15,955 --> 00:14:18,515 and l have looked everywhere for it 275 00:14:18,624 --> 00:14:20,854 and I don't know where it is. 276 00:14:22,895 --> 00:14:24,453 Where is she, guys? (CRYING) 277 00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:25,827 Where is Happy Happy Princess? 278 00:14:25,898 --> 00:14:27,627 Oh, my God. 279 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:29,634 I know it's just a doll but, God, 280 00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:31,670 Christmas is killing me this year. CARLA: Oh! 281 00:14:33,673 --> 00:14:36,005 Holy fuck. 282 00:14:36,142 --> 00:14:38,337 (CHILDREN SCREAMING) 283 00:14:46,018 --> 00:14:48,316 Hi, princess! Oh! 284 00:14:52,258 --> 00:14:54,226 I can't do this shit sober. 285 00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:55,822 Me neither. 286 00:14:56,095 --> 00:14:57,585 You guys wanna get drunk at the food court? 287 00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:59,058 Fuck yeah! Yeah. 288 00:14:59,365 --> 00:15:00,855 Come on, come on. Oh, fun! 289 00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:05,065 My bodysnoot unsnapped. 290 00:15:05,204 --> 00:15:06,603 (ALL LAUGHING) 291 00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:10,402 You guys, you know what drives me crazy? 292 00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:11,943 Genital warts? What? 293 00:15:12,044 --> 00:15:14,035 Genital warts? (LAUGHS) No. 294 00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:17,546 Carla, no. No, what drives me crazy is the pressure 295 00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:19,847 that we put on ourselves to make Christmas perfect, guys. 296 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:22,217 Oh. Christmas is supposed to be fun. 297 00:15:22,288 --> 00:15:25,849 Yes! Why am | responsible for getting every gift 298 00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:27,756 for everyone in my entire family? 299 00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:29,555 CARLA: Ugh! I mean, just 'cause I'm a girl? 300 00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:31,392 Yeah. It's 2017. 301 00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:34,558 I thought so. Why can't my husband buy presents for his own mom? 302 00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:35,726 ldon't even like his mom. 303 00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:38,268 She blames her farts on my kids. (LAUGHS) 304 00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:40,271 You know what I do with my big dumb son? 305 00:15:40,373 --> 00:15:42,705 Every November, ljust go into his room 306 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:45,209 grab a bunch of random crap, wrap it up, 307 00:15:45,311 --> 00:15:47,871 give it to him on Christmas. He doesn't even notice. Seriously? 308 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:50,381 Oh, my God, I've given him the same baseball glove like nine times. 309 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,474 (BOTH CHUCKLE) 310 00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:53,609 And how lame are the gifts that your family gives you? 311 00:15:53,719 --> 00:15:57,314 I spend months picking out the perfect gift for everyone in my family 312 00:15:57,423 --> 00:16:00,984 and all I ever get is coupons forfree back rubs. 313 00:16:01,093 --> 00:16:02,754 Oh, that's so wrong. 314 00:16:02,829 --> 00:16:04,558 You know what my son gave me last year for Christmas? 315 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:06,257 A box of Ziploc baggies. 316 00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:07,758 (LAUGHS) Think I'll probablyjust 317 00:16:07,834 --> 00:16:09,995 wrap it up and give it back to him again this Christmas. 318 00:16:10,102 --> 00:16:11,763 (SNICKERS) 319 00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:16,502 You guys, I'm just like a giant stress ball from November to New Year's. 320 00:16:17,176 --> 00:16:19,736 ljust wanna enjoy Christmas again. 321 00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:22,944 Yeah. (SIGHS) 322 00:16:25,017 --> 00:16:26,951 Well, then let's do it. 323 00:16:27,019 --> 00:16:28,281 What? 324 00:16:28,354 --> 00:16:29,480 Guys, what is wrong with us? 325 00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:31,750 Have we learned nothing? This is bullshit. 326 00:16:31,824 --> 00:16:33,985 I am disappointed in this threesome. 327 00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:35,860 We are mothers. 328 00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:39,030 And if things are not going ourway, then what do we do? 329 00:16:39,131 --> 00:16:41,258 We hide in the bathroom. 330 00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:42,358 No. No. 331 00:16:42,468 --> 00:16:43,867 No, we don't do that. Mmm-mmm. 332 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:47,302 We... No. We stand up and we fight back. Fight back. 333 00:16:47,373 --> 00:16:51,366 Yes. So if we wanna do Christmas our way this year 334 00:16:51,477 --> 00:16:54,344 then we're gonna do Christmas our way. 335 00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:57,507 No more perfect gifts, no more perfect decorations, 336 00:16:57,617 --> 00:17:00,017 no more perfect anything. Fuck it. 337 00:17:00,286 --> 00:17:01,719 Let's take Christmas back. 338 00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:04,517 Let's put the "ass" back in "Christmass." 339 00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:06,514 What? 340 00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,719 That didn't come out exactly as I planned, but you guys get what... 341 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,351 Yeah, we know what you meant. Yeah. We getcha. 342 00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:12,294 Okay, okay. To taking Christmas back. 343 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:13,354 Yes! 344 00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:22,034 Merry Christmas! (GRUNTS) 345 00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,477 CARLA: Ooh, samples! Samples. 346 00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:28,471 What? Yeah. 347 00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:29,537 Now it's gonna be better. 348 00:17:29,649 --> 00:17:32,516 Now it's gonna be better. Whoa! 349 00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:52,036 Okay. Who's next? 350 00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:16,194 Hey. Do you know which one is better for the vagina? 351 00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:17,786 (LAUGHING) 352 00:18:25,871 --> 00:18:28,465 Attention, shoppers! Excuse me. 353 00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:30,633 lam drunk and horny. 354 00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:33,409 I repeat, lam drunk and horny. 355 00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:35,069 AMY: I'm so sorry. 356 00:18:35,147 --> 00:18:36,705 Ma'am you need to... Go! Go, go, go! 357 00:18:52,098 --> 00:18:53,565 (CAMERA CLICKS) 358 00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:55,801 Oh, shit. Wait, you guys. Wait, wait, wait... 359 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,660 Istill have to go Christmas tree shopping with my mom. 360 00:18:59,572 --> 00:19:01,403 ljust had a really dumb idea. 361 00:19:04,777 --> 00:19:06,176 (ALL LAUGHING) 362 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,628 (TV PLAYING) 363 00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:24,523 AMY: All right, guys. Here. 364 00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,359 JESSIE: Ooh, you got some popcorn. I got extra. 365 00:19:26,465 --> 00:19:27,523 LORI: Yes! You guys ready? 366 00:19:27,633 --> 00:19:29,601 Yeah. Okay. Look at that. 367 00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:31,196 This is really nice, Mom. 368 00:19:31,671 --> 00:19:33,764 Yeah. We should do all ofChristmas like this. 369 00:19:33,839 --> 00:19:38,208 Yeah, can wejust hang out together and skip all the annoying stuff? 370 00:19:38,310 --> 00:19:42,178 Yeah, you guys, lwould actually really like that. 371 00:19:42,281 --> 00:19:45,045 Hey, Jessie. You should come over on Christmas. 372 00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:49,317 Um... (STAMMERS) I don't know. It's kind of a big deal. 373 00:19:49,388 --> 00:19:51,049 I wouldn't want to impose. 374 00:19:51,157 --> 00:19:53,182 (SIGHS) Don't be weird, Dad. 375 00:19:53,292 --> 00:19:55,283 We'll be here. (JESSIE CHUCKLES) 376 00:19:56,295 --> 00:19:57,557 Is that okay? 377 00:19:58,164 --> 00:20:00,894 Yeah. Yeah, I would actually love that. 378 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:02,194 Me, too. Okay. 379 00:20:03,969 --> 00:20:05,231 Good evening, everyone... 380 00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:09,405 What in God's name is that? 381 00:20:09,508 --> 00:20:11,066 That is our new Christmas tree. 382 00:20:11,177 --> 00:20:13,475 I got it at Lady Foot Locker. Do you like it? 383 00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:16,310 No, I don't, Amy. I find it revolting. 384 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:19,814 (SIGHS) What is this thing doing in your house? 385 00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:22,149 I didn't wanna waste time tree shopping this year. 386 00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:23,882 I actually wanted to enjoy Christmas. 387 00:20:23,989 --> 00:20:25,650 Amy, you are a mom. 388 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:27,716 Moms don't enjoy, they give joy. 389 00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:29,192 That's how being a mom works. 390 00:20:29,261 --> 00:20:32,492 And this hideous tree does not give joy to anybody. 391 00:20:32,565 --> 00:20:35,398 I don't know, I kind of like it. 392 00:20:35,501 --> 00:20:36,525 Thank you. Yeah. 393 00:20:36,602 --> 00:20:38,934 Who are you, and why are you talking? 394 00:20:39,038 --> 00:20:41,199 Morn. Please be nice. This is Jessie. You met him. 395 00:20:41,273 --> 00:20:43,070 RUTH: I'm tired of this conversation. 396 00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:46,576 But lfyou think for one second I'm gonna let your lazy shenanigans 397 00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:49,773 ruin Christmas forthis entire family, you are very much mistaken. 398 00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:54,345 Good night, dear children. Here, have some iTunes gift cards. 399 00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:57,184 Mom, seriously, you have to stop giving them gifts. Oh, my God! 400 00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:58,245 DYLAN: Thanks, Grandma. 401 00:20:58,357 --> 00:21:01,383 Honey, did you see these ornaments? They are all little shoes. 402 00:21:01,460 --> 00:21:04,190 RUTH: I swear to God, Hank. Iwill drive you to a fire station, 403 00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:05,628 and Iwill leave you there. 404 00:21:10,636 --> 00:21:12,126 Hi. Hi. 405 00:21:14,373 --> 00:21:15,772 How was your night? 406 00:21:15,941 --> 00:21:16,930 So good. Yeah? 407 00:21:17,042 --> 00:21:18,031 Yeah. 408 00:21:19,545 --> 00:21:20,534 Mmm. 409 00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:25,041 Mmm. 410 00:21:26,085 --> 00:21:27,746 You taste like grape soda. 411 00:21:27,820 --> 00:21:29,720 I know. I had a Welch's right before bed. 412 00:21:31,891 --> 00:21:33,381 (BOTH CHUCKLE) 413 00:21:38,998 --> 00:21:40,056 (LOUD SNEEZE) 414 00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:41,156 BOTH: Bless you. 415 00:21:45,104 --> 00:21:46,662 (GASPS) Mom! 416 00:21:46,906 --> 00:21:48,100 Hi, guys. 417 00:21:48,440 --> 00:21:50,271 What are you doing in here? 418 00:21:50,342 --> 00:21:52,742 Well, ljust came in here to watch you fall asleep like I always do, 419 00:21:52,812 --> 00:21:55,804 and then you started going at it like monkeys in a zoo. 420 00:21:55,915 --> 00:21:57,405 You watch me fall asleep every night? 421 00:21:57,483 --> 00:22:00,850 Well, except after Blue Bloods. I know that's your special intercourse night. 422 00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:02,814 (GASPS) Oh, honey. 423 00:22:02,988 --> 00:22:06,253 I'm so glad to see you have such a vibrant sex life. 424 00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:10,193 It's so important foryou and Kent tojust bang each other. 425 00:22:10,462 --> 00:22:11,451 (SIGHS) 426 00:22:11,530 --> 00:22:15,466 And, Kent, I am so happy 427 00:22:15,534 --> 00:22:19,834 that you're able to get an erection again. Yay! 428 00:22:20,639 --> 00:22:24,507 And, Kiki, he's so much bigger than your dad was. 429 00:22:24,610 --> 00:22:27,773 Okay, Morn. Thanks. You can go before my husband never has sex with me again. 430 00:22:27,847 --> 00:22:28,871 Yup. 431 00:22:31,183 --> 00:22:34,016 Oh, and, honey, your dad liked itwhen I tickled his balls. 432 00:22:34,119 --> 00:22:35,848 Okay. You need to stop talking. God. 433 00:22:36,021 --> 00:22:37,613 I'm gonna come check on you guys in a little while. 434 00:22:37,690 --> 00:22:39,157 Oh, please don't. 435 00:22:44,029 --> 00:22:45,724 (GROANS) Oh, wow. 436 00:22:46,799 --> 00:22:49,859 You need to talk to your mom. I know. 437 00:22:50,803 --> 00:22:54,534 She needs some boundaries. Or, at least, a boundary. 438 00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:57,074 I know. ljust“. 439 00:22:58,244 --> 00:23:00,041 I don't wanna hurt her feelings. 440 00:23:00,546 --> 00:23:03,174 And, you know, ever since my dad died, 441 00:23:03,249 --> 00:23:06,377 I'm, like, pretty much her only family, so, 442 00:23:06,485 --> 00:23:08,817 I'm worried that if! push her away even a little, 443 00:23:08,888 --> 00:23:10,321 that it's gonna break her heart. 444 00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:13,221 She saw my boner, Kiki. 445 00:23:14,260 --> 00:23:15,249 Yeah. 446 00:23:19,865 --> 00:23:21,230 (LOUD BANG) (GASPS) 447 00:23:22,501 --> 00:23:25,527 (LOUD BANG) Oh, my God. What the“. 448 00:23:25,604 --> 00:23:27,037 (LOUD BANG) 449 00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:33,743 What the fuck. (WHIRRING) 450 00:23:38,851 --> 00:23:40,716 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 451 00:23:50,195 --> 00:23:53,289 Okay, bring the French hens three inches to the left. 452 00:23:54,366 --> 00:23:56,630 Yeah. Yeah. 453 00:23:56,735 --> 00:23:57,895 Mom? 454 00:24:00,072 --> 00:24:03,041 What are you doing? lam decorating your house properly 455 00:24:03,108 --> 00:24:05,975 because apparently you are unwilling to do so yourself. 456 00:24:06,111 --> 00:24:08,443 Why does my house have to be properly decorated? 457 00:24:08,547 --> 00:24:12,415 Making Christmas special is how you show your family that you love them, Amy. 458 00:24:12,484 --> 00:24:15,612 You don't want your kids to think they're worthless and unloved, do you? 459 00:24:15,754 --> 00:24:19,281 Well, no, of course not. This is the time of the year when mom's kill themselves 460 00:24:19,391 --> 00:24:22,053 to create a magical world ofjoy for their children. 461 00:24:22,261 --> 00:24:25,560 It is not a time of year when moms sit around in their pajamas eating fudge. 462 00:24:25,664 --> 00:24:26,995 I don't even like fudge. 463 00:24:27,099 --> 00:24:29,567 Great, so stop being a shitty mom. Ugh! 464 00:24:29,635 --> 00:24:32,502 Hey, kids. How do you like the Christmas Cavalcade, huh? 465 00:24:32,604 --> 00:24:34,071 Oh, my gosh. It's awesome. 466 00:24:34,139 --> 00:24:35,128 Show Mom how it works! 467 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,265 Really, Amy, you are gonna love this. Okay. 468 00:24:37,343 --> 00:24:39,937 We are go for the Cavalcade, 469 00:24:40,012 --> 00:24:41,070 over. 470 00:24:41,347 --> 00:24:44,009 Don't worry. I'll show you how this works. It's on an app. 471 00:24:44,116 --> 00:24:47,085 {12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS PLAYING) 472 00:24:47,619 --> 00:24:49,416 Oh, you installed outdoor speakers. 473 00:24:49,488 --> 00:24:51,319 Yeah. (SHUSHES) Wait for it, wait for it. 474 00:24:51,423 --> 00:24:53,687 (SINGING) Twelve drummers drumming 475 00:24:53,792 --> 00:24:55,020 (LAUGHING) 476 00:24:55,127 --> 00:24:56,822 Eleven pipers piping 477 00:24:57,096 --> 00:24:59,360 Ten lords are leaping Nine ladies dancing 478 00:24:59,498 --> 00:25:02,092 Eight maids are milking Seven swans are swimming 479 00:25:02,167 --> 00:25:06,160 Six geese are laying Five gold rings 480 00:25:06,472 --> 00:25:07,666 How much did this cost? 481 00:25:07,773 --> 00:25:10,708 How can you pUt a price tag on a child's happiness, Amy? 482 00:25:11,777 --> 00:25:13,142 It was very expensive. 483 00:25:13,312 --> 00:25:14,540 God! Mom. 484 00:25:14,646 --> 00:25:16,045 Wait for it, this is the big ending! 485 00:25:17,016 --> 00:25:18,005 (LOUD BURST) (GASPS) 486 00:25:18,117 --> 00:25:19,516 (LAUGHING) 487 00:25:22,121 --> 00:25:24,885 AMY: Are those actual partridges? 488 00:25:25,057 --> 00:25:28,151 Of course. They don't have any survival skills. 489 00:25:28,227 --> 00:25:29,524 They'll be dead within an hour. 490 00:25:30,829 --> 00:25:33,389 Okay. Here, kids. Have some breakfast candy. 491 00:25:33,499 --> 00:25:34,523 (CHILDREN GASP) 492 00:25:34,633 --> 00:25:35,827 I'm sorry, what? 493 00:25:35,901 --> 00:25:37,368 Thank you, Grandma. I love you. 494 00:25:37,469 --> 00:25:39,801 How I love you. I love you, too, guys. You're the best, Grandma. 495 00:25:39,872 --> 00:25:41,840 Thanks. Okay, let's reload the birds. 496 00:25:41,907 --> 00:25:44,569 And I hate that they're gray. Let's paint them all white. 497 00:25:44,843 --> 00:25:47,835 And can't they look a little happier when they fly away? 498 00:25:47,913 --> 00:25:49,744 I mean, it is Christmas. 499 00:25:51,150 --> 00:25:53,311 KlKl: Your mom decorated your house? 500 00:25:53,652 --> 00:25:55,984 Oh, no, no. That is not okay. 501 00:25:56,055 --> 00:25:58,250 Who cares. Let her decorate your house. 502 00:25:58,357 --> 00:25:59,722 She wanna do mine next? 503 00:25:59,825 --> 00:26:01,224 It's not about the house. 504 00:26:01,326 --> 00:26:03,385 It's about the fact that I'm a 34-year-old woman 505 00:26:03,495 --> 00:26:06,089 and my mother is still telling me how to live my life. 506 00:26:06,365 --> 00:26:07,923 Well, then you need to fight her. 507 00:26:09,001 --> 00:26:11,492 Like, physically? 508 00:26:11,570 --> 00:26:13,060 That is correct, Amy. (CHUCKLES) 509 00:26:13,172 --> 00:26:14,764 I can teach you some basic karate moves 510 00:26:14,873 --> 00:26:16,898 but we all know that she's gonna keep treating you like this 511 00:26:17,009 --> 00:26:18,874 until you beat the shit out of her. 512 00:26:19,078 --> 00:26:20,545 I don't wantyou to meet my mom. 513 00:26:21,080 --> 00:26:23,844 She's a 62-year-old woman, so... 514 00:26:23,916 --> 00:26:27,249 Fine. But you need to have at least a serious conversation with her, 515 00:26:27,352 --> 00:26:28,910 That sounds more legal. I know. 516 00:26:29,054 --> 00:26:31,352 I know. And where's your dad in all this? 517 00:26:31,423 --> 00:26:34,586 Aw, my dad. He's so sweet, but he's completely under her control, 518 00:26:34,893 --> 00:26:37,453 I mean, there's no way he's gonna choose my side over hers. No. 519 00:26:37,563 --> 00:26:39,861 Sweetie. That's hard. 520 00:26:40,365 --> 00:26:41,923 Moms are so weird. 521 00:26:42,601 --> 00:26:44,762 How's Christmas with your mom? (INHALES SHARPLY) 522 00:26:44,870 --> 00:26:46,963 Oh, you know. It's... (CLEARS THROAT) 523 00:26:47,106 --> 00:26:50,041 It's okay, I guess. Yeah. I mean... Yeah. 524 00:26:50,909 --> 00:26:54,572 My mom got her hair cut and colored exactly like mine, but... 525 00:26:54,646 --> 00:26:58,082 I think that's pretty normal, right? Did your moms... 526 00:26:58,150 --> 00:27:00,983 Do your moms have your hairstyle? 527 00:27:01,954 --> 00:27:06,914 You know, every time I think I'm the fucked up one in this group, 528 00:27:07,226 --> 00:27:09,751 Kiki, you open your mouth, 529 00:27:10,329 --> 00:27:14,129 and then I'm like, "No, I'm doing great." 530 00:27:14,233 --> 00:27:15,495 (BOTH LAUGH) 531 00:27:16,502 --> 00:27:20,404 Anyway, my mom and I were gonna take the kids over to Sky Zone later. 532 00:27:20,472 --> 00:27:21,461 Do you guys wanna come? 533 00:27:21,573 --> 00:27:25,566 Legally, I can't get within 50 yards of a Sky Zone, but, 534 00:27:25,644 --> 00:27:27,271 Oh, you know what? Fuck it. I'm totally in. 535 00:27:27,412 --> 00:27:29,937 KlKl: Amy? 0h, lcan’t go. | wish I could, 536 00:27:30,015 --> 00:27:32,813 but my mother's making us go see The Nutcracker. So. 537 00:27:32,918 --> 00:27:33,976 I love The Nutcracker. 538 00:27:34,086 --> 00:27:37,749 Oh, no, not like the Sugar Plum Fairy Nutcracker. 539 00:27:37,823 --> 00:27:40,849 No, the original, the five-hour long version 540 00:27:40,959 --> 00:27:44,861 that's all in Russian where a bunch of people die. It's awful. 541 00:27:44,997 --> 00:27:45,986 Why don't you just not go? 542 00:27:46,098 --> 00:27:48,623 Oh, God, no. No. She would never let me live it down. 543 00:27:48,700 --> 00:27:50,429 It's much easier to do it this way. Yeah. 544 00:27:50,502 --> 00:27:53,665 Guys, are we not taking Christmas back this year? 545 00:27:53,939 --> 00:27:55,270 Yeah. KlKl: Hmm. 546 00:27:55,340 --> 00:27:57,706 I'm asking you that seriously 'cause I got so wasted at the mall 547 00:27:57,809 --> 00:28:01,142 I can't remember if I said that or that's something I'm dreaming about right now. 548 00:28:01,346 --> 00:28:03,109 (LAUGHS) (CELLPHONE CHIMES) 549 00:28:03,282 --> 00:28:04,715 Oh, shit. I'm so late for work. 550 00:28:04,850 --> 00:28:07,216 You guys, do you wanna know what I've been working on? 551 00:28:07,953 --> 00:28:09,443 Happy Holidays. 552 00:28:09,521 --> 00:28:11,182 Oh, my... 553 00:28:13,892 --> 00:28:16,156 AMY: Carla! Broke my cock! 554 00:28:16,828 --> 00:28:19,388 Just go to work. Just go to work. I'm out, I'm out, I'm out! 555 00:28:29,741 --> 00:28:31,641 What up. lady? 556 00:28:31,710 --> 00:28:34,645 Mom! What are you doing here? 557 00:28:34,713 --> 00:28:35,873 Well, what does it look like I'm doing? 558 00:28:35,981 --> 00:28:38,347 I'm waiting for my daughter to give me a free manicure. 559 00:28:40,052 --> 00:28:41,519 Free manicure, huh? 560 00:28:41,587 --> 00:28:42,849 Yeah. 561 00:28:42,988 --> 00:28:45,650 All right. Well, at least I'm not waxing your pussy. 562 00:28:46,024 --> 00:28:47,321 Maybe next time. 563 00:28:47,426 --> 00:28:49,155 Okay. So, 564 00:28:49,528 --> 00:28:52,258 what's up? You seein' anybody? 565 00:28:52,364 --> 00:28:55,856 Well, you know, there was a couple of things going with some dads from school. 566 00:28:55,934 --> 00:28:58,596 But it gets complicated. (LAUGHS) 567 00:28:58,704 --> 00:29:02,697 Plus, like, there is not a better time of the year to be single than Christmas. 568 00:29:03,208 --> 00:29:05,870 I mean, it's like lgo to the mall and | see these, 569 00:29:05,944 --> 00:29:09,243 you know, these couples walking around and they're, 570 00:29:09,348 --> 00:29:12,442 you know, like, holding hands and, 571 00:29:12,551 --> 00:29:17,921 you know, wearing scarves and feeding each other sandwiches and... 572 00:29:18,523 --> 00:29:21,390 Lookin' at jewelry, you know. 573 00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:24,292 (SINGING) Every kiss begins with Kay 574 00:29:24,396 --> 00:29:26,887 All right, stop. Stop. What? 575 00:29:26,965 --> 00:29:28,694 You sound super lonely. 576 00:29:28,867 --> 00:29:30,596 No! Babe, listen. 577 00:29:30,702 --> 00:29:33,193 The rock-and-roll lifestyle isn't for everybody. 578 00:29:33,272 --> 00:29:37,402 I'm still super rock-and-roll. Iwoke up in a park this morning. 579 00:29:37,476 --> 00:29:40,536 Carla. I found kale chips in your kitchen. 580 00:29:41,747 --> 00:29:43,612 Okay, those are for my kid. 581 00:29:44,316 --> 00:29:46,375 Right. They're healthy as fuck. 582 00:29:47,152 --> 00:29:49,211 They say they're heart-smart. 583 00:29:49,588 --> 00:29:51,954 You really care about your kid, don't you? 584 00:29:52,057 --> 00:29:55,288 Yeah. It's my... I mean, most... 585 00:29:55,961 --> 00:29:57,792 People care about their children, Mom. 586 00:29:57,896 --> 00:29:58,920 Whatever. 587 00:29:58,997 --> 00:30:01,989 ljust can't keep Up with the latest parenting trends. 588 00:30:06,104 --> 00:30:08,902 So how you doin’? 589 00:30:09,608 --> 00:30:12,076 I've been better actually, to tell you the truth. I... 590 00:30:12,177 --> 00:30:15,010 There is something that I'm very excited about, 591 00:30:15,113 --> 00:30:16,637 which ljust need a little money for... 592 00:30:16,748 --> 00:30:18,409 Here we go. 593 00:30:18,517 --> 00:30:19,609 What? 594 00:30:19,685 --> 00:30:21,448 You always do this. What? 595 00:30:22,621 --> 00:30:24,020 You show back up in my life, 596 00:30:24,122 --> 00:30:25,919 you ask me for money, I give itto you, 597 00:30:25,991 --> 00:30:27,686 you gamble it all away. What? 598 00:30:27,826 --> 00:30:29,919 And you leave me and then you just come runnin' back... What? 599 00:30:30,028 --> 00:30:32,326 ...asking for more. I give it to you again, What? 600 00:30:32,464 --> 00:30:37,299 'cause I'm an idiot. What are you... This is a legitimate business opportunity. 601 00:30:37,869 --> 00:30:39,131 How much do you need? 602 00:30:39,204 --> 00:30:41,195 Not much. Like five grand. 603 00:30:41,473 --> 00:30:44,203 Really. Between five and 10 grand, maybe 15, tops. 604 00:30:44,309 --> 00:30:47,278 (SIGHS) Okay, I'll think about it. 605 00:30:47,512 --> 00:30:48,774 Good! 606 00:30:51,650 --> 00:30:54,813 Wow, you have some really cool shit here, huh? 607 00:30:55,320 --> 00:30:57,481 Nice, classy place. 608 00:30:58,457 --> 00:31:00,357 lwish I'd brought my purse. 609 00:31:10,135 --> 00:31:12,467 Why do we have to go to the Russian Nutcracker again? 610 00:31:12,537 --> 00:31:13,697 I mean, we're not even Russian. 611 00:31:13,805 --> 00:31:17,002 The Russian Nutcracker is the real Nutcracker. 612 00:31:17,075 --> 00:31:18,804 (BLOWS RASPBERRY) Not the sellout Disney version 613 00:31:18,877 --> 00:31:20,811 with all the dancing and joy. 614 00:31:22,214 --> 00:31:24,341 Is it actually five hours long? 615 00:31:24,416 --> 00:31:26,850 Yes, and you will love every minute of it. 616 00:31:26,918 --> 00:31:28,818 Now, just listen to this beautiful music. 617 00:31:28,887 --> 00:31:30,514 (OPERATIC SINGING) 618 00:31:32,991 --> 00:31:36,188 This song is called When Boris Gets Murdered. 619 00:31:36,261 --> 00:31:38,354 It sounds like someone's yelling at us. 620 00:31:38,730 --> 00:31:40,425 Why can't we just do something fun? 621 00:31:41,032 --> 00:31:43,523 (HUMMING) 622 00:31:44,836 --> 00:31:45,894 (TIRES SCREECHING) 623 00:31:47,038 --> 00:31:49,165 Where are you going? It's not left. The theater's to the right. 624 00:31:49,241 --> 00:31:51,072 Oh. I know. We're not goin' to the theater. 625 00:31:51,176 --> 00:31:53,110 Where are you taking us? You'll see. 626 00:31:56,948 --> 00:31:58,711 (CHILDREN SHOUTING) 627 00:32:14,733 --> 00:32:17,099 Merry Christmas, guys! Welcome to Sky Zone! Merry Christmas. 628 00:32:17,202 --> 00:32:18,464 All right, three kid passes? 629 00:32:18,570 --> 00:32:21,368 CHILDREN: Yes. No, no. Sorry, we're actually all gonna go. 630 00:32:21,440 --> 00:32:23,635 We're all gonna do it. No, we're not all doing it. 631 00:32:23,742 --> 00:32:25,710 It smells like diapers in here. 632 00:32:25,777 --> 00:32:28,075 Amy! You guys made it! 633 00:32:28,146 --> 00:32:30,546 Hey! Oh, my God. I'm so glad you guys came! 634 00:32:30,615 --> 00:32:32,742 Me, too. I think my mother's gonna kill me in the middle of the night, 635 00:32:32,818 --> 00:32:34,217 but it's totally worth it. Hey. 636 00:32:34,286 --> 00:32:35,753 Hi, I'm Carla's mom. 637 00:32:35,821 --> 00:32:38,756 Hi. Isis! Nice to meet you. Oh, yeah! Yeah! 638 00:32:38,990 --> 00:32:41,788 Hi. You must be Amy's mom. Amy, nice to meet you. 639 00:32:41,893 --> 00:32:44,828 I'm Carla. Jaxon, honey, Mama needs more hooch. 640 00:32:44,930 --> 00:32:46,591 Ooh, good idea. Yeah. 641 00:32:46,665 --> 00:32:48,155 Top me off, babe. That's my son, Jaxon. 642 00:32:48,934 --> 00:32:51,095 This is my mom, Isis. 643 00:32:51,169 --> 00:32:53,763 Hello. Ruth. Like Ruth Bader Ginsberg. 644 00:32:53,839 --> 00:32:55,636 Oh. Isis. 645 00:32:55,740 --> 00:32:57,605 Like the terrorist organization. 646 00:32:58,643 --> 00:33:00,076 This is my mom, Sandy. 647 00:33:00,145 --> 00:33:02,306 (GASPS) Oh, Amy. AMY: Hi, Sandy. 648 00:33:02,414 --> 00:33:04,939 I've heard so much about you. 649 00:33:05,016 --> 00:33:07,814 Oh, boy, you really have the same haircuts. 650 00:33:09,187 --> 00:33:12,281 Hello, I'm Ruth. I'm Amy's mom. 651 00:33:12,357 --> 00:33:15,349 Uh. I'm Jessie. l was literallyjust in the carwlth you. 652 00:33:17,496 --> 00:33:19,828 Come on, who's ready to have some Christmas fun? 653 00:33:19,931 --> 00:33:21,489 (ALL CHEERING) 654 00:34:33,338 --> 00:34:36,205 Hi, Ruth. We bought you a churro. You want that? 655 00:34:36,274 --> 00:34:37,263 No, thank you. 656 00:34:37,375 --> 00:34:40,902 This place is fun. I never went to place like this when lwas a kid. 657 00:34:41,112 --> 00:34:42,170 My God, no. 658 00:34:42,380 --> 00:34:46,009 When I was a kid, we would go down to the quarry and blow shit up. 659 00:34:46,084 --> 00:34:48,416 That's nice. Where are you ladies from? 660 00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:50,886 lam from Ottawa, which is in Canada. 661 00:34:50,956 --> 00:34:53,083 And then my husband Dirk wanted a faster life, 662 00:34:53,191 --> 00:34:55,284 so we moved to Bismarck, North Dakota. 663 00:34:55,794 --> 00:34:59,127 And then I had Kiki when lwas only 18 years old. 664 00:34:59,230 --> 00:35:02,563 And then Dirk died. A long, slow, painful death. Oh! 665 00:35:02,634 --> 00:35:05,432 But we're all gonna die sometime, alone and afraid. 666 00:35:06,037 --> 00:35:07,026 Where are you from, Ruth? 667 00:35:07,305 --> 00:35:08,636 Chicago. (GASPS) 668 00:35:08,740 --> 00:35:10,537 The City of Lights! The Windy City. 669 00:35:10,609 --> 00:35:13,476 You know, they call Bismarck "The City of Old White People" 670 00:35:13,578 --> 00:35:15,375 (CHUCKLES) You are so weird. 671 00:35:15,447 --> 00:35:18,644 Ruth, did you enjoy growing up in Chicago? No. 672 00:35:18,817 --> 00:35:20,148 My mother is a terrible woman. 673 00:35:20,251 --> 00:35:22,219 Oh! She once slapped me 674 00:35:22,287 --> 00:35:24,585 forwearing open-toed shoes on a sailboat. 675 00:35:24,723 --> 00:35:26,156 Well. It was a different time then. 676 00:35:26,257 --> 00:35:27,417 This was two months ago. 677 00:35:29,127 --> 00:35:31,118 My daughter thinks that I'm so hard on her 678 00:35:31,229 --> 00:35:33,789 but she has no idea what I went through with my own mother. 679 00:35:34,299 --> 00:35:37,791 When I was 15, I got my ears pierced and she called me a whore. 680 00:35:37,936 --> 00:35:40,598 (GASPS) And sent me away to boarding school. 681 00:35:40,805 --> 00:35:42,670 In Croatia. Croatia? 682 00:35:42,774 --> 00:35:44,139 Now, that is a hard woman. ISIS: Ah! 683 00:35:44,242 --> 00:35:45,436 Where are you from, Isis? 684 00:35:45,510 --> 00:35:47,740 I don't know, everywhere. I never met my parents. 685 00:35:47,812 --> 00:35:51,304 | basicallyjust raised myself using my wits and my tits. 686 00:35:51,416 --> 00:35:53,782 Oh, wow. That sounds disgusting. 687 00:35:53,852 --> 00:35:58,084 No, dude, lwas a roadie for REO Speedwagon for 15 years. 688 00:35:58,957 --> 00:36:01,790 Oh, Isis, you're not allowed to smoke cigarettes in here. 689 00:36:01,860 --> 00:36:04,124 (INHALES DEEPLY) It's okay. It's not a cigarette. You want some? 690 00:36:04,195 --> 00:36:05,423 No! You want some? 691 00:36:05,530 --> 00:36:07,589 Ah“. No, thankyou. (COUGHS) 692 00:36:07,666 --> 00:36:09,600 Suityourself. So, 693 00:36:09,668 --> 00:36:12,136 which church does everyone go to on Christmas Eve? 694 00:36:12,203 --> 00:36:15,934 Well, I always go to midnight mass at Our Mother of Perpetual Suffering. 695 00:36:16,007 --> 00:36:17,998 It's the premiere service in the city. 696 00:36:18,109 --> 00:36:19,440 Great, I'll meet you there. 697 00:36:19,511 --> 00:36:21,638 What? This is so nice. 698 00:36:21,713 --> 00:36:23,374 Making new friends. ISIS: Yeah. 699 00:36:23,481 --> 00:36:24,812 I don't get a lot of... You guys wanna play dodgeball? 700 00:36:24,883 --> 00:36:26,976 No, honey. Grandmas don't play dodgeball. We should probably... 701 00:36:27,052 --> 00:36:28,451 What the fuck did she say? 702 00:36:28,520 --> 00:36:30,647 She said, "Grandmas don't play dodgeball." 703 00:36:30,722 --> 00:36:32,713 I got it, but we play. We play. 704 00:36:32,824 --> 00:36:33,984 I'm in. 705 00:36:35,126 --> 00:36:36,320 (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) 706 00:37:28,947 --> 00:37:30,346 (INAUDIBLE) 707 00:38:04,616 --> 00:38:05,913 (INAUDIBLE) 708 00:38:26,638 --> 00:38:28,799 Tonight was a complete travesty. 709 00:38:28,907 --> 00:38:30,067 (CHUCKLES) 710 00:38:32,110 --> 00:38:33,839 Do you think that was funny, Hank? 711 00:38:34,012 --> 00:38:36,845 What if I changed out your heart pills. Would that be funny, too? 712 00:38:37,115 --> 00:38:38,343 Oh, Jesus, babe. 713 00:38:38,449 --> 00:38:42,647 I can't believe Amy is actually intent on ruining Christmas this year. 714 00:38:42,754 --> 00:38:44,278 I'm gonna have to redouble my efforts. 715 00:38:44,355 --> 00:38:47,290 Or you could stop fighting with her, and we could just have a nice Christmas. 716 00:38:47,358 --> 00:38:49,849 Do you think I enjoy fighting with my daughter, Hank? 717 00:38:49,961 --> 00:38:50,950 Yeah! 718 00:38:51,029 --> 00:38:52,997 Because I don't. Oh. 719 00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:57,665 I'm just trying to give my grandchildren the amazing Christmas that they deserve. 720 00:38:58,536 --> 00:39:02,495 This is their first Christmas without their father, and if it is perfect 721 00:39:02,640 --> 00:39:04,801 they will know that things are gonna be okay. 722 00:39:05,610 --> 00:39:08,374 But ifour daughter throws a half-assed Christmas, 723 00:39:08,479 --> 00:39:09,878 it will rattle the kids 724 00:39:09,981 --> 00:39:13,849 and they could descend into a spiral of fear, depression and drugs. 725 00:39:13,952 --> 00:39:18,321 Okay. But the kids looked really happy tonight. 726 00:39:18,389 --> 00:39:21,449 They would have been happier at the Russian Nutcracker, Hank. 727 00:39:21,526 --> 00:39:25,053 My way of doing Christmas is enchanting and magical 728 00:39:25,163 --> 00:39:28,792 and Amy's way ofdoing Christmas is lazy and embarrassing 729 00:39:28,867 --> 00:39:32,234 and my way is better and my way will win because my way will always win. 730 00:39:32,337 --> 00:39:34,703 Well, l'mjust glad this is all about the kids. 731 00:39:34,806 --> 00:39:38,537 Hank, lam Amy's mother and it is myjob 732 00:39:38,643 --> 00:39:42,079 to push herto be the best mother she possibly can be. 733 00:39:42,180 --> 00:39:45,513 Trust me, someday she will thank me in an inspirational speech 734 00:39:45,583 --> 00:39:48,381 at some large public venue. (INHALES DEEPLY) 735 00:39:48,753 --> 00:39:51,916 Now, are you done ironing my pajamas, Hank? Yes, Ruth. 736 00:39:52,657 --> 00:39:54,682 They're still warm. 737 00:39:56,060 --> 00:39:58,028 I'm sorry you're Upset. 738 00:39:59,364 --> 00:40:00,922 Thank you. 739 00:40:01,699 --> 00:40:02,893 It's okay. 740 00:40:05,069 --> 00:40:06,263 (SNIFFLES) 741 00:40:07,906 --> 00:40:10,397 You're wrinkling my pajamas. 742 00:40:11,676 --> 00:40:14,042 I'll get your toothbrush ready. Thank you. 743 00:40:19,851 --> 00:40:22,411 Oh, my God. No more pussies. Please, God, no more pussies. 744 00:40:22,520 --> 00:40:23,544 (KNOCKING ON DOOR) 745 00:40:23,621 --> 00:40:25,054 Uh.., Yeah? 746 00:40:25,123 --> 00:40:27,614 0h, hi. Uh. Are you Carla? 747 00:40:31,529 --> 00:40:34,555 Yeah, I am. Who are you? 748 00:40:34,632 --> 00:40:37,465 I'm Ty Swindel. I'm here to get my balls waxed. 749 00:40:37,568 --> 00:40:41,527 That's great news. Why don't you hop on my table, Ty Swindel. 750 00:40:42,106 --> 00:40:43,198 All right, thank you. 751 00:40:44,409 --> 00:40:48,971 Okay. So have you ever had your balls waxed before, Ty? 752 00:40:49,080 --> 00:40:51,139 Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm an exotic dancer, 753 00:40:51,249 --> 00:40:54,116 so I have to keep my dick, balls and taint smooth at all times. 754 00:40:54,218 --> 00:40:55,549 Great, okay, got it. Yeah. 755 00:40:55,620 --> 00:40:58,384 Um. So I am just gonna remove the towel 756 00:40:58,456 --> 00:41:00,947 and then we'll apply the wax if you“. 757 00:41:01,059 --> 00:41:03,220 Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. 758 00:41:03,294 --> 00:41:04,921 Look at the size of that thing. 759 00:41:04,996 --> 00:41:06,657 It looks like a parking cone. 760 00:41:06,764 --> 00:41:10,666 Oh, yeah. I am so sorry. I forgot to... You know, it scares most people. 761 00:41:10,768 --> 00:41:14,727 No, I'm not scared, though. I'm gonna need a lot more... Just a lot more wax. 762 00:41:14,839 --> 00:41:16,898 Okay. Sojust gimme one second. 763 00:41:16,975 --> 00:41:18,169 Sure. 764 00:41:19,744 --> 00:41:21,234 Wow. Okay. 765 00:41:22,914 --> 00:41:25,075 So who usually waxes your balls? 766 00:41:25,149 --> 00:41:28,118 Oh, I go to a woman in Cleveland, which is where I'm from. 767 00:41:28,319 --> 00:41:30,082 No way. What? 768 00:41:30,154 --> 00:41:31,246 I'm from Edgewater. 769 00:41:31,522 --> 00:41:32,614 You're from Edgewater? Yeah. 770 00:41:32,690 --> 00:41:34,282 Okay. I'm from Tremont! Oh, my God. 771 00:41:34,425 --> 00:41:36,825 Small world. That is so weird! Unbelievable. 772 00:41:36,928 --> 00:41:38,919 Like... (IMITATES EXPLOSION) Right? 773 00:41:39,130 --> 00:41:40,961 Wow. Okay. 774 00:41:41,032 --> 00:41:43,865 Urn. lfyou could just lift that penis up for me. 775 00:41:43,968 --> 00:41:44,992 Okay. 776 00:41:45,103 --> 00:41:46,934 (THUDS) Yeah, that's great. 777 00:41:47,005 --> 00:41:48,996 So, what brings you to Chicago, Ty? 778 00:41:49,107 --> 00:41:51,769 I'm in town to do a few Sexy Santa competitions. 779 00:41:51,843 --> 00:41:53,310 Nice! Yeah. 780 00:41:53,378 --> 00:41:55,812 Okay, slight sting on your nut sack. 781 00:41:55,880 --> 00:41:57,108 (LOUD TEARING) 782 00:42:03,988 --> 00:42:06,388 So uh, how did you get into dancing? 783 00:42:06,491 --> 00:42:09,221 Oh, I'm a fireman by trade. That's what I do. 784 00:42:09,527 --> 00:42:10,789 Of course you are. 785 00:42:10,862 --> 00:42:13,490 And a few years ago, I responded to this fire 786 00:42:13,564 --> 00:42:15,862 at a strip club and the owner comes up to me 787 00:42:15,967 --> 00:42:19,198 and he's like, "Hey, dude. You got a massive cock?" 788 00:42:19,303 --> 00:42:22,830 And I'm like, "Uh... Well, ldo." 789 00:42:22,974 --> 00:42:25,636 And the rest is... The rest is history. Wow. 790 00:42:26,511 --> 00:42:28,240 That's a beautiful story, Ty. 791 00:42:28,513 --> 00:42:30,378 Thank you. (CHUCKLES) 792 00:42:30,915 --> 00:42:32,507 Okay. Hot burn. (LOUD TEARING) 793 00:42:34,585 --> 00:42:36,849 So holidays, huh? 794 00:42:36,988 --> 00:42:39,684 I know. You got big plans with your girlfriend? 795 00:42:39,757 --> 00:42:42,089 lwish. lwish I had a girlfriend. 796 00:42:42,193 --> 00:42:44,684 Yeah, most women, theyjust see me as this object 797 00:42:44,762 --> 00:42:47,731 to have sex with and then they leave. You know? 798 00:42:47,832 --> 00:42:50,357 And I'm like, yeah, I dance around in basketball sneakers 799 00:42:50,435 --> 00:42:53,336 and a G-string. It doesn't mean I don't have feelings, right? 800 00:42:53,571 --> 00:42:57,837 Yeah. I, uh, I can relate. 801 00:42:58,176 --> 00:42:59,404 (CHUCKLES) ldon't know what it is about you. 802 00:42:59,510 --> 00:43:02,274 Ifeel like you're easy to talk to, you know? I can just open up. 803 00:43:02,380 --> 00:43:04,348 Be myself. It's nice. 804 00:43:04,882 --> 00:43:06,611 I feel the same way, Ty. 805 00:43:08,586 --> 00:43:09,610 (LOUD TEARING) 806 00:43:09,921 --> 00:43:14,085 Okay. I'm gonna need you to putyour heels over your head 807 00:43:14,192 --> 00:43:17,286 so I can start to go to town on your taint and your butthole. 808 00:43:17,395 --> 00:43:18,919 Yup. All right Thanks. 809 00:43:19,030 --> 00:43:20,588 All right. Okay. 810 00:43:20,698 --> 00:43:22,188 Let's get these out of the way. Right. There we go. 811 00:43:22,266 --> 00:43:23,528 Great, great, great, great. 812 00:43:23,601 --> 00:43:28,868 Carla. Uh. At the risk of sounding forward, um, 813 00:43:29,540 --> 00:43:33,567 would you be willing to come with me to my Sexy Santa competition tonight? 814 00:43:33,878 --> 00:43:37,575 Uh. Well, I don't date my clients, Ty. l have a really strict code. 815 00:43:38,816 --> 00:43:41,580 Yeah. Oh, of course you do. Are you kidding me? I know, And I know. 816 00:43:41,652 --> 00:43:43,051 And you should... You should have a... 817 00:43:43,121 --> 00:43:46,056 I'm just fuckin' with you, Ty. ldon't have a code! 818 00:43:46,257 --> 00:43:48,725 I'm waxing your butthole. 819 00:43:48,793 --> 00:43:50,920 I would love to go to your show. You would? 820 00:43:51,095 --> 00:43:52,653 Yes! Yes! 821 00:43:52,763 --> 00:43:54,924 Oh, my God. She's funny and she's beautiful. 822 00:43:54,999 --> 00:43:57,467 This is a combination you don't run into everyday, you know. 823 00:43:57,602 --> 00:44:00,298 You don't see this combo that often, either. (LAUGHS) 824 00:44:00,404 --> 00:44:02,770 So it's a date, then. I'll see you tonight. 825 00:44:03,941 --> 00:44:05,272 It's a date. 826 00:44:05,610 --> 00:44:07,942 Oh. Um... Do you want me to reach down there, 827 00:44:08,012 --> 00:44:10,071 and I can pull my butt crack open foryou if you want. 828 00:44:10,748 --> 00:44:17,278 Thank you. No one's ever asked ifthey could hold their butt crack open for me before. 829 00:44:19,023 --> 00:44:21,685 I'II hold my butt crack open foryou anytime you want, Carla. 830 00:44:24,095 --> 00:44:26,188 Where did you come from, Ty Swindel? 831 00:44:36,174 --> 00:44:38,005 So what brings you here today, Kiki? 832 00:44:38,276 --> 00:44:41,712 Well, um, my mom and |, we're very close. 833 00:44:41,812 --> 00:44:44,007 And we would like to be.,. 834 00:44:44,115 --> 00:44:46,982 To be closer. No. No. 835 00:44:47,051 --> 00:44:50,953 Ithink we would like to be a little more 836 00:44:51,022 --> 00:44:52,387 independent. Closer. 837 00:44:53,057 --> 00:44:57,187 Sandy, tell me about your relationship with your daughter. 838 00:44:57,295 --> 00:45:00,389 Oh, my gosh. That's my favorite topic. 839 00:45:00,498 --> 00:45:04,332 Well, I had Kiki when lwas 18 years old 840 00:45:04,702 --> 00:45:08,399 and when the nurse placed her on my breast, Ilooked down at her and I said, 841 00:45:08,506 --> 00:45:10,406 "You are gonna be my best friend foreverc" 842 00:45:14,645 --> 00:45:18,513 Well, you know, we don't like to use the word "normal" around here. 843 00:45:20,484 --> 00:45:23,920 Anyways, Kiki and l have always been super close 844 00:45:24,021 --> 00:45:26,182 because we're basically the same age. 845 00:45:26,257 --> 00:45:30,819 And then my husband died, and we became crazy close. 846 00:45:31,729 --> 00:45:33,094 We went to prom together. 847 00:45:33,364 --> 00:45:36,663 Wowl (LAUGHS) Okay 848 00:45:36,734 --> 00:45:41,501 And, Kiki, how does all this closeness make you feel? 849 00:45:41,672 --> 00:45:43,071 Well... (CLEARS THROAT) She feels great. 850 00:45:43,174 --> 00:45:45,574 Who wouldn't wantto be best friends with their mom? 851 00:45:45,743 --> 00:45:47,574 I love my mom. Thank you, honey. 852 00:45:47,678 --> 00:45:49,043 I really do. Thank you. 853 00:45:49,113 --> 00:45:52,241 But sometimes. she can be a bit much. What? 854 00:45:53,050 --> 00:45:54,210 Like when? 855 00:45:54,285 --> 00:45:58,346 (INHALES DEEPLY) Like when you watched Kent and I have sex the other night. 856 00:45:58,623 --> 00:45:59,885 Oh, Lord. 857 00:46:00,024 --> 00:46:02,754 ljust wanna know what's going on in your life. Is that so wrong? 858 00:46:02,860 --> 00:46:06,956 No. But sometimes I'm in need ofa little space. 859 00:46:07,398 --> 00:46:09,457 (CHUCKLES) Oh, boy. 860 00:46:09,567 --> 00:46:12,195 ldon't know what's happening right now. (STAMMERS) 861 00:46:12,270 --> 00:46:14,204 Why are you turning on me? 862 00:46:14,272 --> 00:46:16,206 I'm not turning on you. I'm just saying 863 00:46:16,274 --> 00:46:19,801 I think that we could benefit from some boundaries, right? 864 00:46:19,910 --> 00:46:21,138 I have cancer. 865 00:46:22,947 --> 00:46:24,938 Cancer? Mmm-hmm. 866 00:46:25,049 --> 00:46:26,812 Oh, God. What kind of cancer? 867 00:46:29,654 --> 00:46:30,746 Head 868 00:46:31,956 --> 00:46:32,945 cancer. 869 00:46:36,560 --> 00:46:37,754 Heart cancer. Yeah. 870 00:46:37,995 --> 00:46:39,394 Stage 12. 871 00:46:40,164 --> 00:46:44,794 Maybe you can find it in your non-cancerous heart to be nice to me before I die. 872 00:46:46,337 --> 00:46:48,601 I'm so sorry, Mom. I had... 873 00:46:48,939 --> 00:46:50,998 I had no idea. I know. 874 00:46:51,275 --> 00:46:52,833 (SNIFFLES) I know. 875 00:46:53,577 --> 00:46:56,307 Oh, God. (CRYING) (SOFTLY) Shoot. 876 00:46:57,748 --> 00:47:00,774 Mom. Oh, Keeks. 877 00:47:00,851 --> 00:47:03,979 Oh, Kiki. No, no. Keeks. 878 00:47:04,088 --> 00:47:06,454 Okay, I don't have cancer. What? 879 00:47:06,524 --> 00:47:07,513 I knew it. 880 00:47:07,625 --> 00:47:09,525 But imagine if I did have cancer, 881 00:47:09,627 --> 00:47:12,118 how would you feel being so mean to your mother? 882 00:47:12,196 --> 00:47:13,993 I'm not trying to be mean to you, Mom. 883 00:47:14,098 --> 00:47:16,862 I'm trying to have an honest conversation about our relationships 884 00:47:16,967 --> 00:47:17,956 I have cancer again. 885 00:47:18,035 --> 00:47:20,629 No. It doesn't work like that a second time. I have polio. 886 00:47:20,705 --> 00:47:22,138 I think they cured polio. 887 00:47:22,206 --> 00:47:24,037 I have bubonic plague. No. 888 00:47:24,141 --> 00:47:25,608 I have shingles. Mom! 889 00:47:25,676 --> 00:47:27,610 I have bird flu. Are you done? 890 00:47:28,012 --> 00:47:30,207 I have a lazy eye. Mom! 891 00:47:30,314 --> 00:47:32,942 Please, can wejust talk about our relationship 892 00:47:33,017 --> 00:47:34,951 because I wanna work this out with you. 893 00:47:35,019 --> 00:47:39,319 Yes. Let's do that. Yes. 894 00:47:39,523 --> 00:47:40,956 Really? Yes. 895 00:47:41,025 --> 00:47:42,117 lwanna work this out with you. 896 00:47:42,226 --> 00:47:44,353 Honestly? I'm gonna run to the ladies' room 897 00:47:44,462 --> 00:47:46,054 and I will be right back. 898 00:47:46,197 --> 00:47:47,357 Okay. 899 00:47:51,635 --> 00:47:52,795 (oOOR CLOSES) 900 00:47:56,707 --> 00:47:59,676 (CAR ENGINE STARTS) (TIRES SCREECHING) 901 00:48:01,579 --> 00:48:03,046 She's not coming back, is she? 902 00:48:03,314 --> 00:48:04,338 No. 903 00:48:05,249 --> 00:48:06,807 What is the matter with her? 904 00:48:07,318 --> 00:48:08,808 You really wanna know? 905 00:48:09,220 --> 00:48:10,244 Yeah. 906 00:48:10,421 --> 00:48:13,549 Your mom was probably pretty normal before she had you. 907 00:48:13,657 --> 00:48:16,649 But then you were born. And you didn't sleep for six months, 908 00:48:16,727 --> 00:48:18,661 so she didn't sleep for six months. 909 00:48:18,729 --> 00:48:21,254 And you refused to eat, and when you did eat, 910 00:48:21,365 --> 00:48:23,026 you would barf all over her clothes. 911 00:48:23,367 --> 00:48:25,096 And that made your mom a little crazy. 912 00:48:25,269 --> 00:48:27,737 And then you fell off your bike and you broke your arm. 913 00:48:27,838 --> 00:48:29,362 And then you got bullied in school. 914 00:48:29,440 --> 00:48:31,340 And then you started dating that weird dude 915 00:48:31,409 --> 00:48:33,877 with the stake through his nose. And all those things 916 00:48:34,178 --> 00:48:36,169 made your mom a little more crazy. 917 00:48:36,380 --> 00:48:39,543 And then you got married and you bought a house you can't afford 918 00:48:39,617 --> 00:48:42,950 and you're raising kids who never say "please" or "thank you." 919 00:48:43,053 --> 00:48:46,022 Shit, they can't even read. And all those things 920 00:48:46,090 --> 00:48:48,183 made your mom super-duper crazy. 921 00:48:48,259 --> 00:48:49,920 And now you come into my office 922 00:48:50,027 --> 00:48:53,724 and you go, "Dr. Karl, why is my mom so crazy?" 923 00:48:53,798 --> 00:48:55,095 And the answer is“. 924 00:48:56,567 --> 00:48:59,559 You, motherfucker. You made your mom crazy. 925 00:48:59,637 --> 00:49:03,573 So be nice to your mom 'cause you're the one who fucked her shit up. 926 00:49:08,045 --> 00:49:10,605 We are gonna dominate caroling this year. 927 00:49:10,714 --> 00:49:13,478 (LAUGHS) What are you wearing? 928 00:49:13,584 --> 00:49:17,111 Sweetie, if you wanna win the Caroling Cup, you have to have a theme. 929 00:49:17,221 --> 00:49:21,282 Which is why we're all going as characters from A Christmas Carol. 930 00:49:21,392 --> 00:49:23,656 Oh, my God. Dylan, you're Marley's Ghost. 931 00:49:24,094 --> 00:49:26,892 Jane, you are the Ghost of Christmas Present. 932 00:49:26,964 --> 00:49:29,831 Oh, great. And, Amy, you're Scrooge. 933 00:49:30,468 --> 00:49:32,493 Oh. Wow, thanks, Mom. 934 00:49:32,603 --> 00:49:36,403 ljust think it's appropriate, given how much you seem to hate Christmas this year. 935 00:49:36,474 --> 00:49:38,237 Mother, I don't hate Christmas. 936 00:49:38,309 --> 00:49:42,143 And here is everyone's sheet music. I'd hope we'd all be off-book by now. 937 00:49:42,246 --> 00:49:43,736 This is a lot of songs. 938 00:49:43,814 --> 00:49:46,408 Well, every home in Westbury gets to vote on who wins the Cup. 939 00:49:46,484 --> 00:49:49,681 So we have to hit at least 300 houses tonight. 940 00:49:49,987 --> 00:49:52,649 Three hundred! Don't worry. We have backups 941 00:49:52,756 --> 00:49:54,018 Come on in, everybody. 942 00:49:54,658 --> 00:49:58,253 Please, welcome the Chicago All Saints Choir! 943 00:49:58,429 --> 00:49:59,987 You hired ringers? 944 00:50:00,097 --> 00:50:03,123 I did what! needed to do to succeed, Amy. 945 00:50:03,200 --> 00:50:04,792 You should try it sometime. 946 00:50:04,869 --> 00:50:07,497 Okay, fine. We'll go caroling. 947 00:50:07,605 --> 00:50:09,971 But I'm not wearing this ridiculous costume. 948 00:50:13,677 --> 00:50:15,110 Fuck me. 949 00:50:16,947 --> 00:50:18,209 (DOORBELL RINGS) 950 00:50:18,516 --> 00:50:19,949 (SIGHS) 951 00:50:22,720 --> 00:50:24,620 Hex! guys. we got more carolers. 952 00:50:24,889 --> 00:50:26,857 Read your line, Scrooge! 953 00:50:26,957 --> 00:50:28,117 (GROANS) 954 00:50:28,492 --> 00:50:30,153 Do it! (GROANS) 955 00:50:31,795 --> 00:50:34,491 "Bah-humbug. I'm Ebenezer Scrooge and I hate Christmas 956 00:50:34,565 --> 00:50:36,897 "because it's so much work and lam lazy." 957 00:50:37,001 --> 00:50:40,869 Please, Mr. Scrooge! Won't you listen to our song? 958 00:50:40,971 --> 00:50:45,067 And let ye heart be warmed! Two, three, four. 959 00:50:45,175 --> 00:50:49,635 (ALL SINGING) We wish you a Merry Christmas 960 00:50:49,713 --> 00:50:52,682 We wish you a Merry Christmas 961 00:50:52,750 --> 00:50:58,416 We wish you a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year 962 00:50:58,889 --> 00:51:04,225 Good tidings we bring to you and your kids 963 00:51:04,328 --> 00:51:07,559 Yeah! Good tidings for Christmas 964 00:51:07,665 --> 00:51:08,893 What the fuck is happening? 965 00:51:08,999 --> 00:51:10,057 And a happy New Year 966 00:51:10,167 --> 00:51:11,156 Everybody! 967 00:51:11,835 --> 00:51:13,769 (DOORBELLS RINGING) 968 00:51:13,871 --> 00:51:15,862 A happy New Year 969 00:51:21,412 --> 00:51:22,504 (DOORBELL RINGS) 970 00:51:24,515 --> 00:51:25,504 (DOORBELL RINGS) 971 00:51:27,618 --> 00:51:30,746 "Bah-humbug. I'm Ebenezer Scrooge and I hate Christmas 972 00:51:30,854 --> 00:51:32,515 "because it's so much work..." Amy? 973 00:51:34,124 --> 00:51:35,887 Oh, shit. (LAUGHS) 974 00:51:35,960 --> 00:51:39,054 What in the fuck are you wearing? 975 00:51:39,363 --> 00:51:41,126 My mom made me wear this. 976 00:51:41,231 --> 00:51:43,859 Oh, my God. You look amazing. Serious... (LAUGHS) 977 00:51:43,934 --> 00:51:46,300 Honestly. This is better than what you usually wearto school. 978 00:51:46,437 --> 00:51:48,905 Wait, guys. come here. No, no, guys. It's okay. You could just stay there. 979 00:51:48,973 --> 00:51:51,464 It's fine... This is Amy Mitchell. She's dressed up as an old fat man 980 00:51:51,609 --> 00:51:54,476 Uh. I'm actually supposed to be Scrooge, but that's... (LAUGHING) 981 00:51:54,578 --> 00:51:56,375 Don't laugh. She's my friend. That's rude. 982 00:51:56,614 --> 00:51:59,048 Honey, I'm gonna Instagram the shit out of this right now. 983 00:51:59,116 --> 00:52:01,710 Okay, wait, side angle. And this one. Okay. Um... 984 00:52:01,785 --> 00:52:03,912 Can you purse your lips for me a little bit? 985 00:52:03,988 --> 00:52:05,615 I'ma go kill myself, so... 986 00:52:05,756 --> 00:52:08,316 I'll put a filter on it so you don't look so tired. Okay. 987 00:52:08,425 --> 00:52:10,791 Thank you for visiting, Amy. Bye. 988 00:52:10,894 --> 00:52:12,725 Iwill never let you forget this. 989 00:52:12,830 --> 00:52:13,956 You know that. 990 00:52:14,064 --> 00:52:15,088 I do. 991 00:52:15,299 --> 00:52:17,665 Was that a broken dick on her face? (ALL LAUGH) 992 00:52:19,436 --> 00:52:20,425 (SIGHS) 993 00:52:20,504 --> 00:52:23,268 Well. I thought that was an enormous success. 994 00:52:23,574 --> 00:52:26,634 Mom, this isn't working. What isn't working? 995 00:52:26,744 --> 00:52:29,144 This. This... Iwanted a mellow Christmas 996 00:52:29,246 --> 00:52:31,111 and you keep fighting me every step of the way. 997 00:52:31,281 --> 00:52:33,841 Amy, this is a very important Christmas for your kids. 998 00:52:33,951 --> 00:52:35,475 You cannotjust phone it in. 999 00:52:35,686 --> 00:52:37,677 Mother, I'm not phoning it in. 1000 00:52:38,022 --> 00:52:40,957 My kids told me that they wanted a mellow Christmas 1001 00:52:41,025 --> 00:52:43,016 and I promised them that lwould give it to them. 1002 00:52:43,260 --> 00:52:44,852 Well, of course they told you that, Amy, 1003 00:52:44,995 --> 00:52:47,429 because they're telling you what they think you want to hear. 1004 00:52:47,531 --> 00:52:49,021 But, secretly, they know that I'm right 1005 00:52:49,166 --> 00:52:50,793 because you know what, ljust am. 1006 00:52:51,335 --> 00:52:52,597 Okay. 1007 00:52:52,936 --> 00:52:55,268 (CHUCKLES) You know what, I'm done fighting this. 1008 00:52:56,440 --> 00:53:00,001 I'm gonna tell you exactly how we're doing Christmas this year. 1009 00:53:00,511 --> 00:53:03,776 The kids and I are gonna spend the entire Christmas Eve day sledding. 1010 00:53:04,048 --> 00:53:06,141 And then we're gonna come home, bake cookies, 1011 00:53:06,283 --> 00:53:07,648 and watch Love Actually. 1012 00:53:07,818 --> 00:53:08,807 Dumb movie. 1013 00:53:08,986 --> 00:53:12,547 Then, Christmas morning, only Jessie and his daughter are gonna come over 1014 00:53:12,656 --> 00:53:14,851 and we're gonna exchange three gifts. 1015 00:53:15,192 --> 00:53:16,181 Who's Jessie? 1016 00:53:16,293 --> 00:53:18,352 Then we're gonna spend all day in our pajamas 1017 00:53:18,462 --> 00:53:20,396 until my friends come over for dinner 1018 00:53:20,531 --> 00:53:23,796 when we are gonna order Chinese takeout from Mr. Wang's. 1019 00:53:23,867 --> 00:53:24,856 The horror! 1020 00:53:25,002 --> 00:53:29,666 Ugh! There'll be no show-otf-y party, no sushi, no camels 1021 00:53:29,840 --> 00:53:33,037 and definitely, definitely 1022 00:53:33,577 --> 00:53:34,566 no Kenny G. 1023 00:53:34,678 --> 00:53:36,908 Amy, he is the godfather of smooth jazz. 1024 00:53:37,047 --> 00:53:39,743 Mom, lam done with your over-the-top Christmases. 1025 00:53:39,917 --> 00:53:41,885 This is my house and this is my life. 1026 00:53:42,019 --> 00:53:44,886 And if you wanna come down here and be a part of my family 1027 00:53:45,889 --> 00:53:47,754 then you have to live by my rules. 1028 00:53:51,562 --> 00:53:52,551 Okay. 1029 00:53:53,230 --> 00:53:54,663 Really? We will do it your way. 1030 00:53:56,900 --> 00:53:59,164 We will have a mellow Christmas. 1031 00:54:00,771 --> 00:54:02,602 I hope you're happy. 1032 00:54:03,173 --> 00:54:05,437 I don't think you mean that but thank you, I am. 1033 00:54:23,427 --> 00:54:24,724 (LAUGHING) 1034 00:54:26,597 --> 00:54:27,586 And it worked. 1035 00:54:28,031 --> 00:54:29,726 I stood up to her, and she totally backed down. 1036 00:54:29,800 --> 00:54:31,859 I'm so proud of you. Thank you. 1037 00:54:32,035 --> 00:54:33,263 I actually feel, for the first time, 1038 00:54:33,370 --> 00:54:35,031 my mom looked at me as an equal 1039 00:54:35,105 --> 00:54:39,235 like maybe some day, somehow, we could be closer. 1040 00:54:39,376 --> 00:54:42,573 Relax, Obama. Your mom is still a colossal bitch. 1041 00:54:42,946 --> 00:54:45,437 Don't let your guard down or she's gonna blow up your car. 1042 00:54:45,749 --> 00:54:47,307 All right. I'm just sayin'. 1043 00:54:47,417 --> 00:54:49,578 Either way, it was a big step, 1044 00:54:49,753 --> 00:54:53,120 so ljust wanna say thank you for encouraging me, ladies. 1045 00:54:53,490 --> 00:54:55,890 Ah, so proud. Thank you. 1046 00:54:56,560 --> 00:54:58,653 You know what we should do to celebrate? What? 1047 00:54:58,829 --> 00:55:02,788 Watch a bunch of Santa Clauses take off their clothes! 1048 00:55:04,001 --> 00:55:05,559 (WOMEN CHEERING) 1049 00:55:05,736 --> 00:55:06,930 (MUSIC PLAYING) 1050 00:55:16,346 --> 00:55:19,076 (SQUEALS) Yayl I love Santa Claus. 1051 00:55:19,449 --> 00:55:21,076 And there're so many of them. 1052 00:55:21,151 --> 00:55:22,243 (LAUGHS) 1053 00:55:22,319 --> 00:55:24,253 Guys, I don't wanna make a big deal of this, 1054 00:55:25,022 --> 00:55:28,287 but I'm kind of on a first date with one of the Santas. 1055 00:55:28,592 --> 00:55:29,581 Shut up. Yeah. 1056 00:55:30,260 --> 00:55:31,921 Which one? 1057 00:55:32,629 --> 00:55:33,755 Santa Number Two. 1058 00:55:39,803 --> 00:55:41,100 How'd you guys meet? 1059 00:55:41,171 --> 00:55:42,433 Oh, waxing his balls. 1060 00:55:42,606 --> 00:55:44,096 That is so romantic. 1061 00:55:44,474 --> 00:55:46,499 You learn a lot about a man when you wax his sack. 1062 00:55:47,444 --> 00:55:50,470 You know, some guys cry. Some guys act real tough. 1063 00:55:50,547 --> 00:55:54,347 Butwith Ty, he was so calm. 1064 00:55:55,219 --> 00:55:58,620 It was almost like waxing the balls of the Dalai Lama. 1065 00:55:59,056 --> 00:56:00,546 (WHOOPING AND CHEERING) 1066 00:56:01,124 --> 00:56:02,648 How you doin' tonight, Chicago? 1067 00:56:04,795 --> 00:56:05,887 All right. 1068 00:56:06,230 --> 00:56:08,357 Okay, listen, ladies, I need you guys to tell me 1069 00:56:08,866 --> 00:56:12,393 which one of these sexy Santas is the sexiest of them all. 1070 00:56:13,070 --> 00:56:14,059 Any of them? 1071 00:56:14,304 --> 00:56:16,898 Yeah! Okay, well, let's start this thing off. 1072 00:56:17,207 --> 00:56:19,198 Santa Number One, the bar is yours, sir. 1073 00:56:19,343 --> 00:56:21,368 (MUSIC PLAYING) 1074 00:56:28,252 --> 00:56:29,378 (ALL GASP) 1075 00:56:32,089 --> 00:56:34,523 Oh. That is a lot ofwhite skin. 1076 00:56:41,331 --> 00:56:43,925 Okay, you know, all right. Santa Number One, the audience has spoken. 1077 00:56:44,401 --> 00:56:45,390 Thank you. 1078 00:56:45,502 --> 00:56:46,594 Such a good sport. Such a good sport. 1079 00:56:46,703 --> 00:56:47,727 (APPLAUSE) 1080 00:56:47,871 --> 00:56:48,997 All right. 1081 00:56:49,439 --> 00:56:50,428 Now. 1082 00:56:50,707 --> 00:56:54,666 Bring it to the stage, my man, Santa Number Two! 1083 00:56:54,845 --> 00:56:56,437 (WOMEN CHEERING) 1084 00:56:56,580 --> 00:56:58,172 (SCREAMS) 1085 00:56:58,682 --> 00:57:00,047 (MUSIC PLAYING) 1086 00:57:18,135 --> 00:57:20,399 Yeah! Take it off! 1087 00:57:37,487 --> 00:57:39,478 He's really good at stripping. 1088 00:57:40,090 --> 00:57:42,581 He has such kind eyes. Yeah. 1089 00:57:43,060 --> 00:57:44,618 I'm gonna fuck his dick off tonight. 1090 00:57:48,632 --> 00:57:51,430 Put a baby in me, Santa Number Two! 1091 00:57:52,903 --> 00:57:53,892 Whoo! 1092 00:57:56,440 --> 00:57:58,601 I love his panties. They're so seasonal. 1093 00:58:01,078 --> 00:58:02,067 (ALL GASP) 1094 00:58:06,817 --> 00:58:08,444 Oh, my God. 1095 00:58:12,689 --> 00:58:14,452 I think I am in love. What? 1096 00:58:15,826 --> 00:58:17,794 I honestly think that he's 1097 00:58:18,929 --> 00:58:19,918 the one. 1098 00:58:21,365 --> 00:58:22,354 Is that your mom? 1099 00:58:27,037 --> 00:58:29,835 Wait, holy shit. It is. Why is... Mom! 1100 00:58:30,207 --> 00:58:31,538 What are you doing? 1101 00:58:32,442 --> 00:58:35,775 Oh, look at that. Yeah. My mom dances this way with everybody. 1102 00:58:38,515 --> 00:58:40,881 So this doesn't bother me at all. 1103 00:58:42,386 --> 00:58:43,614 (BLUBBERING) 1104 00:58:43,687 --> 00:58:45,018 Oh, my God. His face is in her tits. 1105 00:58:45,288 --> 00:58:48,485 Wait. Mom, no motorboating! We talked about this. 1106 00:58:48,625 --> 00:58:50,286 All right. It's about to get weird. It's game time. 1107 00:58:50,961 --> 00:58:52,656 Oh, you look great! That's my mom. 1108 00:58:52,729 --> 00:58:54,060 That's your mom? Yeah. That's my mom. 1109 00:58:54,164 --> 00:58:55,324 You're Mom? Yeah. 1110 00:58:55,699 --> 00:58:57,633 Oh, my God, it's a pleasure. You have such a lovely daughter. 1111 00:58:57,701 --> 00:58:58,690 I know! 1112 00:58:58,969 --> 00:59:00,800 (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) 1113 00:59:03,673 --> 00:59:06,870 You should never have to watch your mom lick your boyfriend's nipples. 1114 00:59:07,077 --> 00:59:08,066 No. 1115 00:59:08,345 --> 00:59:10,370 Mom! What are you doing? 1116 00:59:11,214 --> 00:59:12,545 Ha! Whoa! 1117 00:59:12,716 --> 00:59:13,876 Oh, my God! (THUDS) 1118 00:59:13,984 --> 00:59:15,008 (ALL GASP) (MUSIC STOPS) 1119 00:59:15,352 --> 00:59:16,341 Mom! 1120 00:59:21,091 --> 00:59:23,685 Not one person caught me. That was amazing. 1121 00:59:23,760 --> 00:59:26,490 Every time theyjump into the crowd, someone usually... 1122 00:59:26,730 --> 00:59:27,719 Hi. 1123 00:59:28,065 --> 00:59:30,363 Hi. Hey. Here you are. 1124 00:59:30,500 --> 00:59:32,991 I... Bag oficeforyou. 1125 00:59:33,770 --> 00:59:35,237 Thank you, Ty. 1126 00:59:36,106 --> 00:59:37,198 Um... 1127 00:59:38,442 --> 00:59:39,534 So about tonight. 1128 00:59:39,876 --> 00:59:41,571 You know, we were gonna hang out afterthe show 1129 00:59:42,179 --> 00:59:43,771 and lwas looking fonNard to it. 1130 00:59:43,914 --> 00:59:46,747 lwas wondering ifyou're still up for it? You know. 1131 00:59:47,084 --> 00:59:48,073 Oh, Ty. 1132 00:59:48,385 --> 00:59:49,374 Yeah. 1133 00:59:49,519 --> 00:59:50,611 Um... 1134 00:59:52,022 --> 00:59:53,455 I would love to. Good. 1135 00:59:54,057 --> 00:59:58,118 But, you know, Ithinkthis is my mom's third concussion this month. 1136 00:59:58,295 --> 01:00:00,525 Wow. That's a lot of concussions. 1137 01:00:01,431 --> 01:00:03,695 Better stay with her for observation. 1138 01:00:03,867 --> 01:00:04,856 Yeah. 1139 01:00:06,770 --> 01:00:07,759 Well, um... 1140 01:00:09,639 --> 01:00:11,732 I gotta get back to Cleveland tomorrow. 1141 01:00:11,942 --> 01:00:12,931 Right. 1142 01:00:13,043 --> 01:00:16,706 But, uh... Think I could give you a call next time I come into town? 1143 01:00:16,780 --> 01:00:19,613 Would that interest you at all? Could I do that? 1144 01:00:19,816 --> 01:00:20,942 Please. Yeah? 1145 01:00:21,084 --> 01:00:22,278 Yes. Great. 1146 01:00:22,652 --> 01:00:24,984 I'd wax your balls for free. 1147 01:00:25,388 --> 01:00:27,151 That is so sweet. 1148 01:00:28,225 --> 01:00:29,920 Well, lwould really love that, Carla. 1149 01:00:31,995 --> 01:00:33,121 And so would my balls. 1150 01:00:33,897 --> 01:00:35,831 Well. Consider it done. 1151 01:00:39,469 --> 01:00:40,902 Oh... 1152 01:00:41,004 --> 01:00:42,301 Sorry, I thought you wanted to... 1153 01:00:45,108 --> 01:00:46,234 Merry Christmas, Carla. 1154 01:00:47,244 --> 01:00:48,438 Merry Christmas, Ty. 1155 01:01:12,135 --> 01:01:13,625 (INAUDIBLE) 1156 01:01:27,484 --> 01:01:29,384 Okay, time for bed, my darlings. 1157 01:01:30,520 --> 01:01:34,183 Tonight, lam going to sing you My Heart Will Go On 1158 01:01:34,891 --> 01:01:37,325 by seven-time Grammy winner, Celine Dion. 1159 01:01:37,661 --> 01:01:38,787 Hmm? 1160 01:01:42,199 --> 01:01:43,188 What's the matter? 1161 01:01:45,402 --> 01:01:47,165 Is everything okay with you and Mom? 1162 01:01:47,404 --> 01:01:49,133 Yeah. You guys have been fighting a lot. 1163 01:01:49,673 --> 01:01:50,731 Come here and sit by me. 1164 01:01:50,874 --> 01:01:52,341 Both of you, come here. 1165 01:01:54,477 --> 01:01:58,072 Now, your mother and I just have a few tiny disagreements 1166 01:01:58,548 --> 01:02:00,038 about the importance of Christmas 1167 01:02:00,150 --> 01:02:01,583 and what it means to be a mother 1168 01:02:01,685 --> 01:02:04,085 and the sanctity of marriage and how best to raise children. 1169 01:02:04,254 --> 01:02:06,484 But, othenlvise, everything is fine. 1170 01:02:06,656 --> 01:02:08,886 There's no reason to worry, okay? 1171 01:02:10,594 --> 01:02:15,258 Look, I know this is your first Christmas since your parents got divorced 1172 01:02:15,365 --> 01:02:17,731 and it's probably a little strange for you. Am I right? 1173 01:02:17,867 --> 01:02:19,266 Yeah. Yeah, it really is. 1174 01:02:19,402 --> 01:02:20,699 Well, first ofall, 1175 01:02:21,371 --> 01:02:24,204 both of your parents still love you so very much. 1176 01:02:24,674 --> 01:02:26,904 And no matterwhat happens 1177 01:02:27,344 --> 01:02:29,778 Iwill always be there for you. 1178 01:02:30,614 --> 01:02:31,603 Always. 1179 01:02:32,449 --> 01:02:33,746 Because you're my grandkids. 1180 01:02:34,417 --> 01:02:36,942 And I love you more than anything in the whole world. 1181 01:02:37,854 --> 01:02:39,116 And so does Grandpa Hank. 1182 01:02:39,756 --> 01:02:41,519 I know his brain is the size of a walnut, 1183 01:02:41,625 --> 01:02:43,183 but. you know, his heart is enormous. 1184 01:02:43,293 --> 01:02:44,590 (ALL LAUGH) 1185 01:02:46,963 --> 01:02:48,624 Okay? Feel better? 1186 01:02:48,765 --> 01:02:51,427 Yeah. It's really nice having you here, Grandma. 1187 01:02:51,635 --> 01:02:53,466 Yeah. We really miss you. 1188 01:02:53,570 --> 01:02:54,969 Yeah. Aw! 1189 01:02:55,071 --> 01:02:56,800 I miss you, too. 1190 01:02:57,374 --> 01:03:00,241 Grandkids, they really are the greatest gift. 1191 01:03:01,077 --> 01:03:02,476 Speaking of gifts, 1192 01:03:03,213 --> 01:03:04,646 have some iPhones. 1193 01:03:04,914 --> 01:03:06,541 Nice. No way. 1194 01:03:06,716 --> 01:03:07,910 Now, get ready for bed. 1195 01:03:08,585 --> 01:03:11,748 And Iwill come back and sing to you for hours. 1196 01:03:11,821 --> 01:03:12,879 (CHUCKLES) 1197 01:03:17,627 --> 01:03:18,958 CARLA: I can't believe people fall for this shit. 1198 01:03:19,062 --> 01:03:20,051 It's so stupid. 1199 01:03:20,330 --> 01:03:21,888 ISIS: I know. Wait, here comes somebody. 1200 01:03:21,965 --> 01:03:23,660 Merry Christmas! 1201 01:03:23,800 --> 01:03:25,233 HO, ho, hold on. 1202 01:03:25,335 --> 01:03:27,599 Hey, would you like to donate your canned goods 1203 01:03:27,737 --> 01:03:29,762 to our Christmas canned food drive? 1204 01:03:30,140 --> 01:03:32,574 Oh, um, I sort ofjust bought all this... 1205 01:03:32,676 --> 01:03:34,906 Bingo. She's got cans. 1206 01:03:36,079 --> 01:03:38,138 Oh, Mom, look. She's got wine. 1207 01:03:38,782 --> 01:03:40,909 Thank you very much for a very generous donation 1208 01:03:40,984 --> 01:03:42,349 to the canned Christmas food drive. 1209 01:03:42,485 --> 01:03:44,112 The children are gonna be so happy. 1210 01:03:44,454 --> 01:03:46,012 (BOTH LAUGHING) 1211 01:03:46,122 --> 01:03:47,111 Yes! 1212 01:03:47,590 --> 01:03:49,114 That was a good haul, Mom. 1213 01:03:49,192 --> 01:03:50,352 Yeah, she had some good shit. 1214 01:03:50,460 --> 01:03:51,449 You know... 1215 01:03:52,262 --> 01:03:54,355 Ripping off rich people in front of the supermarket with you 1216 01:03:54,497 --> 01:03:58,024 is bringing back a lot of happy Christmas memories for me. 1217 01:03:58,668 --> 01:03:59,965 Yeah. Me, too, babe. 1218 01:04:01,338 --> 01:04:03,101 I miss you, you know? 1219 01:04:03,506 --> 01:04:04,803 I miss you, too. 1220 01:04:05,375 --> 01:04:07,343 It's so weird. (C H U C KLES) 1221 01:04:07,877 --> 01:04:09,435 Yeah. Maybe we should 1222 01:04:10,980 --> 01:04:12,345 spend more time together? 1223 01:04:13,550 --> 01:04:14,539 Do you mean that? 1224 01:04:16,052 --> 01:04:18,384 Yeah. You know when we were at the bouncy place 1225 01:04:18,521 --> 01:04:21,012 with what's his name? 1226 01:04:21,458 --> 01:04:23,358 Oh, my son, Jaxon? Yeah, him. 1227 01:04:23,560 --> 01:04:25,289 Um, lwas watching you two 1228 01:04:25,362 --> 01:04:27,227 and you were beating the shit out of each other with those sticks, 1229 01:04:27,330 --> 01:04:28,319 and I thought, 1230 01:04:28,398 --> 01:04:30,662 "Maybe I should have a relationship with my grandson." 1231 01:04:30,867 --> 01:04:34,064 Well, we'd love to see you more. 1232 01:04:35,338 --> 01:04:36,805 Yeah. Okay. 1233 01:04:38,007 --> 01:04:38,996 You know, 1234 01:04:40,210 --> 01:04:43,008 I've been doing a lot of thinking about the money you asked me for, Mom, and... 1235 01:04:44,347 --> 01:04:45,814 I'm such an idiot. 1236 01:04:46,516 --> 01:04:49,076 But it's Christmas and you're my mom and... 1237 01:04:50,820 --> 01:04:52,185 Fuck it. Here. 1238 01:04:52,322 --> 01:04:53,687 It's a loan. It's a loan. 1239 01:04:53,757 --> 01:04:55,088 I mean, it's not everything you asked for. 1240 01:04:55,225 --> 01:04:58,422 But it's basically all I have. No, that's great. Thank you so much. 1241 01:04:58,561 --> 01:05:00,893 This is a loan. Iwill pay you back, I swear. 1242 01:05:00,997 --> 01:05:02,589 I really have my shit together now. Thanks. 1243 01:05:03,032 --> 01:05:04,158 Whoa! 1244 01:05:04,267 --> 01:05:06,758 Hey! Sir, Merry Christmas! 1245 01:05:06,903 --> 01:05:09,337 Merry Christmas! 1246 01:05:09,406 --> 01:05:11,840 Would you like to donate your cans to our canned food drive? 1247 01:05:11,908 --> 01:05:14,536 We're collecting for a drive for the homeless. 1248 01:05:14,677 --> 01:05:16,668 Yikes. ljust bought all this. And canned goods. 1249 01:05:17,680 --> 01:05:19,511 You know, this is important. The fuck is this? 1250 01:05:19,783 --> 01:05:21,512 Uh, that's fennel. 1251 01:05:21,584 --> 01:05:22,744 Fuck it. So happy. 1252 01:05:23,386 --> 01:05:24,683 ISIS: Thank you so much. 1253 01:05:24,754 --> 01:05:28,019 Oh, shit. Manager. Manager's coming. Code red, code red. 1254 01:05:28,792 --> 01:05:30,623 Go, go, go. Mom! Where did we park? Where did we park? 1255 01:05:31,094 --> 01:05:32,686 Happy Hanukkah. Where did we park? 1256 01:05:32,962 --> 01:05:34,793 ISIS: Go, go, go. Theyjust totally stole all my shit. 1257 01:05:35,799 --> 01:05:38,029 Taking this, though. This is cute, right? Yeah, yeah. 1258 01:05:38,701 --> 01:05:40,566 KIKI: Okay, guys. So since it's Christmas Eve 1259 01:05:40,703 --> 01:05:43,297 everybody gets to open one present, okay? 1260 01:05:43,440 --> 01:05:45,601 Oh! Hey, Kiki, Kiki. Open mine. 1261 01:05:46,443 --> 01:05:47,967 Please open mine first. Please. 1262 01:05:48,311 --> 01:05:49,903 I'll go first. I guess. Okay. 1263 01:05:53,249 --> 01:05:54,238 What's this? 1264 01:05:54,451 --> 01:05:56,919 It is a key 1265 01:05:57,387 --> 01:05:59,321 to my new house! 1266 01:06:00,256 --> 01:06:01,587 What are you talking about? 1267 01:06:01,791 --> 01:06:03,622 Well, after ourtherapy session, 1268 01:06:03,726 --> 01:06:05,057 Ifelt like we were drifting apart 1269 01:06:05,128 --> 01:06:07,426 so I decided to move closer to you guys. 1270 01:06:07,597 --> 01:06:08,586 (CHILDREN GASP) 1271 01:06:08,731 --> 01:06:11,097 Oh, okay. Where are you moving to? 1272 01:06:11,801 --> 01:06:12,995 Right next door! 1273 01:06:13,403 --> 01:06:14,893 Oh, Jesus. What? 1274 01:06:16,005 --> 01:06:18,098 You're moving, um, next door to me? 1275 01:06:18,274 --> 01:06:19,571 Yeah, the house wasn't on the market. 1276 01:06:19,642 --> 01:06:21,837 So I checked it out on Zillow and made an all-cash offer 1277 01:06:21,978 --> 01:06:23,445 and then, boom. Howdy, neighbor. 1278 01:06:24,113 --> 01:06:25,102 Howdy, neighbor. 1279 01:06:25,482 --> 01:06:26,471 Oh, my God. 1280 01:06:26,649 --> 01:06:28,480 (GASPS) We can dig a tunnel between the houses. 1281 01:06:29,152 --> 01:06:30,141 Keeks! 1282 01:06:30,620 --> 01:06:31,814 (SOFTLY) Keeks. 1283 01:06:33,490 --> 01:06:34,787 Kent. get the kids out of here. 1284 01:06:35,024 --> 01:06:36,685 Mmm-hmm. Yep, yep. Let's go, guys. 1285 01:06:36,826 --> 01:06:38,487 Let's get outta here. Mommy and Grandma gotta talk. 1286 01:06:38,595 --> 01:06:40,586 Come on, buddy. This is gonna get ugly. 1287 01:06:41,130 --> 01:06:42,119 Mom. What? 1288 01:06:42,432 --> 01:06:43,626 You can't live next door to me. 1289 01:06:43,867 --> 01:06:44,856 Why not? 1290 01:06:45,034 --> 01:06:48,936 Because I need space and that is too close. 1291 01:06:50,940 --> 01:06:52,805 I have diabetes. Mom, stop. 1292 01:06:54,344 --> 01:06:55,868 Sit down. Kiki. 1293 01:06:55,979 --> 01:06:56,968 Sit. Kiki. 1294 01:06:57,046 --> 01:06:58,308 I've got strep throat. Mom. 1295 01:06:58,448 --> 01:07:01,440 I might have gallstones. Really... Kiki... No. Enough. 1296 01:07:01,951 --> 01:07:03,680 We need to have this conversation. 1297 01:07:04,287 --> 01:07:08,724 I am a grown woman who needs a life that is separate from yours 1298 01:07:08,858 --> 01:07:13,386 and I need you to have a life that's separate from mine. I'm sorry. 1299 01:07:14,631 --> 01:07:16,690 Kiki, I don't want a life separate from yours. 1300 01:07:17,300 --> 01:07:18,824 You're my favorite person in the whole world. 1301 01:07:18,968 --> 01:07:21,459 lknow. But, Mom, this is starting to affect my marriage. 1302 01:07:21,538 --> 01:07:24,405 What? And my family. And my sanity. 1303 01:07:24,908 --> 01:07:29,902 And ljust need you tojust let me go a little bit! 1304 01:07:32,248 --> 01:07:34,682 Well, what am I supposed to do with myself? 1305 01:07:35,018 --> 01:07:37,748 I don't know, Morn! Anything! Make some friends! 1306 01:07:37,854 --> 01:07:41,688 You're always saying you wanna go to Vegas to see Wayne Newton before he dies. 1307 01:07:41,824 --> 01:07:46,022 Do that! Anything! As long as it's without me! 1308 01:07:48,831 --> 01:07:49,820 Withoutyou? 1309 01:07:52,669 --> 01:07:54,227 Why are you doing this to me, Kiki? 1310 01:07:56,172 --> 01:07:57,730 I didn't... Mom... 1311 01:07:58,207 --> 01:08:01,734 And I really don't think I can return that house! 1312 01:08:04,614 --> 01:08:05,842 (SIGHS) 1313 01:08:06,516 --> 01:08:07,676 (oOOR SHUTS) 1314 01:08:10,386 --> 01:08:11,614 AMY: Ooh. 'Kay. 1315 01:08:11,788 --> 01:08:13,779 (LAUGHTER) How fun was that sledding? 1316 01:08:14,057 --> 01:08:17,390 There is still an alarming amount ofsnow in my pants, I gotta say. 1317 01:08:18,194 --> 01:08:21,721 Oh, I can't wait to go home, throw on somejammies, get comfy. 1318 01:08:21,931 --> 01:08:24,297 I know. It's gonna be... Oh, look, someone's having a party. 1319 01:08:25,234 --> 01:08:26,861 Yeah, they are. (CHUCKLES) 1320 01:08:27,870 --> 01:08:29,735 Wow, that's a lot of people. JESSIE: A lot of people. 1321 01:08:29,973 --> 01:08:30,962 Wait. 1322 01:08:31,574 --> 01:08:32,700 You're having a party. 1323 01:08:34,744 --> 01:08:36,473 Um, is that a camel? 1324 01:08:36,746 --> 01:08:38,407 (CAMEL GRUNTS) 1325 01:08:38,548 --> 01:08:40,106 Yup, that's a camel. 1326 01:08:42,485 --> 01:08:43,782 I'm gonna kill her. 1327 01:08:44,754 --> 01:08:46,221 (MUSIC PLAYING) 1328 01:08:46,389 --> 01:08:47,822 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 1329 01:08:53,630 --> 01:08:55,427 What the fuck. 1330 01:09:00,903 --> 01:09:02,803 What did she do to my house? 1331 01:09:03,272 --> 01:09:04,296 (SPEAKING JAPANESE) 1332 01:09:04,641 --> 01:09:05,630 No! 1333 01:09:06,976 --> 01:09:08,068 (SPEAKING JAPANESE) 1334 01:09:20,189 --> 01:09:21,656 Kenny G's in my den. 1335 01:09:23,192 --> 01:09:24,784 (RUTH LAUGHING) 1336 01:09:28,698 --> 01:09:29,687 Mom. 1337 01:09:31,000 --> 01:09:31,989 You lied to me. 1338 01:09:34,337 --> 01:09:36,168 I did what was best for the family. 1339 01:09:36,339 --> 01:09:38,170 Mom, everything that is wrong with Christmas 1340 01:09:38,274 --> 01:09:40,174 is in this room, and I want it all gone. 1341 01:09:40,343 --> 01:09:41,708 Amy, don't be ridiculous. 1342 01:09:42,145 --> 01:09:45,376 You can't kick Kenny G out of the house. He's a national treasure. 1343 01:09:45,548 --> 01:09:47,277 If you won't do it, then Iwill. 1344 01:09:47,517 --> 01:09:48,506 You wouldn't dare. 1345 01:09:49,118 --> 01:09:50,107 Oh. 1346 01:09:50,186 --> 01:09:51,175 Watch me. 1347 01:09:54,357 --> 01:09:55,346 Yo! 1348 01:09:55,992 --> 01:09:57,152 I need you to leave my house. 1349 01:09:57,393 --> 01:09:58,382 What are you talking about? 1350 01:09:58,528 --> 01:10:00,018 Get the fuck out, Kenny G. 1351 01:10:00,630 --> 01:10:01,688 I'm still getting paid, right? 1352 01:10:01,798 --> 01:10:04,130 I don't know! Take your little flute and shoo! Shoo, fly. 1353 01:10:04,233 --> 01:10:05,359 Okay. Okay. Go make another album. 1354 01:10:05,468 --> 01:10:06,560 It's not a flute, bitch. 1355 01:10:06,703 --> 01:10:09,228 Don't care. Thank you so much. You can go now. 1356 01:10:09,372 --> 01:10:11,203 Please. You can leave. Thank you so much for coming. 1357 01:10:11,340 --> 01:10:12,671 Thank you very much. You too, my friend. I'm so sorry. 1358 01:10:12,909 --> 01:10:14,376 Please, no, no, please exit. 1359 01:10:14,644 --> 01:10:15,838 I don't know any of you. 1360 01:10:16,345 --> 01:10:17,812 Please leave my house. 1361 01:10:18,014 --> 01:10:19,072 Farewell, see you later. 1362 01:10:19,215 --> 01:10:21,183 Sushi Chef, you gotta go. We're done. 1363 01:10:21,250 --> 01:10:22,410 You can take that plate. 1364 01:10:22,518 --> 01:10:25,078 Amy, stop! You're embarrassing the family. 1365 01:10:27,223 --> 01:10:29,054 Oh, my God. That's what this is about, isn't it? 1366 01:10:29,592 --> 01:10:30,820 This finally makes sense. 1367 01:10:30,893 --> 01:10:32,918 The perfect decorations, the perfect tree, 1368 01:10:33,029 --> 01:10:34,997 whatever the hell that thing is in my frontyard. 1369 01:10:35,231 --> 01:10:36,493 You didn't do this for the kids! 1370 01:10:36,599 --> 01:10:37,827 You did this foryou! 1371 01:10:38,167 --> 01:10:41,261 All you care about is for people to go, "Oh, Ruth. You're so amazing." 1372 01:10:41,404 --> 01:10:43,099 l have no idea what you're talking about. 1373 01:10:43,272 --> 01:10:46,503 Please don't leave without taking your Louis Vuitton swag bag. 1374 01:10:47,043 --> 01:10:48,374 Oh, God. Oh, God. Please. 1375 01:10:48,511 --> 01:10:50,672 This has got to all go. All of this has got to go. 1376 01:10:50,747 --> 01:10:52,840 The swag bags, the weird curtains, 1377 01:10:52,949 --> 01:10:54,382 the floor, the tree. 1378 01:10:54,517 --> 01:10:57,008 Oh, God, the tree has got to go. 1379 01:10:57,253 --> 01:10:59,278 No, not my tree! It's from Paris! 1380 01:10:59,522 --> 01:11:01,217 Watch me. (SCREAMING) No! 1381 01:11:01,924 --> 01:11:02,948 No! 1382 01:11:03,059 --> 01:11:05,050 Say goodbye to your tree, Mother! 1383 01:11:05,194 --> 01:11:06,354 That's an antique! 1384 01:11:06,429 --> 01:11:08,260 It's a hideous tree, Mother! 1385 01:11:08,364 --> 01:11:10,423 You have no idea! It's not even real snow! 1386 01:11:10,533 --> 01:11:11,761 How dare you! 1387 01:11:11,868 --> 01:11:13,096 Do you know how much that thing cost? 1388 01:11:13,202 --> 01:11:14,430 I don't care! Let go! 1389 01:11:14,604 --> 01:11:16,731 Let go! Let go! 1390 01:11:17,306 --> 01:11:19,536 Those were from the Titanic! 1391 01:11:19,609 --> 01:11:20,633 I don't care! 1392 01:11:24,113 --> 01:11:27,879 That ice was from the moon! It was moon ice, you nasty bitch! 1393 01:11:27,950 --> 01:11:29,611 Let go of the stupid tree! 1394 01:11:30,253 --> 01:11:32,312 Letgo! (GAsPS) 1395 01:11:32,455 --> 01:11:33,444 Listen, Mom! 1396 01:11:33,656 --> 01:11:36,625 I promised my kids I wouldn't do Christmas like this! 1397 01:11:36,759 --> 01:11:39,057 Everybody loves a Christmas like this! 1398 01:11:39,128 --> 01:11:41,119 It's fucking spectacular! 1399 01:11:41,230 --> 01:11:42,288 No, they don't! 1400 01:11:42,465 --> 01:11:43,625 (BOTH YELLING) 1401 01:11:53,943 --> 01:11:55,137 Holy shit. 1402 01:11:56,646 --> 01:11:57,977 AMY: I need you to get out. 1403 01:11:58,181 --> 01:11:59,170 Amy... 1404 01:11:59,315 --> 01:12:01,613 I've been putting up with your shit my entire life. 1405 01:12:02,785 --> 01:12:05,481 I can't do it anymore. I can't. 1406 01:12:06,522 --> 01:12:09,616 I need you out of my house, and I need you out of my life for good. 1407 01:12:09,826 --> 01:12:11,020 You don't mean that. 1408 01:12:11,194 --> 01:12:13,526 I really, really do. 1409 01:12:17,099 --> 01:12:18,623 Amy, it's Christmas. Mother, get out! 1410 01:12:43,626 --> 01:12:45,787 Did you just kick out Grandma forever? 1411 01:12:47,296 --> 01:12:48,991 How long have you been standing here? 1412 01:12:49,165 --> 01:12:50,530 How could you do this to us? 1413 01:12:50,633 --> 01:12:53,158 Guys, would you please just trust me that it's forthe best. 1414 01:12:53,236 --> 01:12:55,727 No, it's not! It's the best foryou. 1415 01:12:55,972 --> 01:12:57,337 We actually love Grandma. 1416 01:12:57,473 --> 01:13:00,340 Yeah, she's a part of our family, and we love her. 1417 01:13:00,409 --> 01:13:01,706 You don'tjust kick someone out. 1418 01:13:02,245 --> 01:13:03,735 First, you kick Dad out. 1419 01:13:03,880 --> 01:13:05,472 Now, you kick Grandma out. 1420 01:13:05,548 --> 01:13:07,641 Who's next? Are you gonna kick us out? 1421 01:13:08,017 --> 01:13:09,678 What? Honey, no, of course not. 1422 01:13:09,752 --> 01:13:10,844 lwould never do that. 1423 01:13:11,153 --> 01:13:13,553 Why do you always have to screw everything Up? 1424 01:13:15,191 --> 01:13:16,180 Honey... 1425 01:13:16,826 --> 01:13:17,815 Nice goin'. 1426 01:13:19,762 --> 01:13:20,751 Guys. 1427 01:13:21,931 --> 01:13:22,920 Guys? 1428 01:13:32,008 --> 01:13:32,997 AMY: So that's how it happened. 1429 01:13:34,277 --> 01:13:36,177 That's howl ruined Christmas. 1430 01:13:37,747 --> 01:13:39,772 I got so wrapped up in fighting with my mom 1431 01:13:39,882 --> 01:13:42,874 that I lost sight of the only thing that actually matters. 1432 01:13:44,020 --> 01:13:45,783 llost sight of my kids. 1433 01:13:47,056 --> 01:13:48,045 What's worse is 1434 01:13:49,525 --> 01:13:51,049 I didn 't just ruin Christmas. 1435 01:13:51,861 --> 01:13:53,123 l ruined my family. 1436 01:13:53,262 --> 01:13:54,388 (SNIFFLES) 1437 01:13:55,765 --> 01:13:56,959 (CRYING) 1438 01:14:07,276 --> 01:14:08,265 Mom? 1439 01:14:09,378 --> 01:14:10,743 It's Christmas Eve. 1440 01:14:11,280 --> 01:14:12,941 Where do you wanna get takeout? 1441 01:14:15,584 --> 01:14:16,573 Mom? 1442 01:14:17,219 --> 01:14:18,208 Mom? 1443 01:15:38,367 --> 01:15:39,356 Hey. 1444 01:15:40,803 --> 01:15:41,792 Oh, hello. 1445 01:15:43,172 --> 01:15:45,970 Thank you again for inviting me to your church. 1446 01:15:47,009 --> 01:15:48,340 I really didn't. 1447 01:15:49,045 --> 01:15:50,535 (CHOIR SINGING) 1448 01:15:55,384 --> 01:15:56,373 What's up, bitches? 1449 01:15:56,685 --> 01:15:58,312 Oh, my gosh. It's Isis. 1450 01:15:58,921 --> 01:16:00,218 Isis is here. 1451 01:16:00,556 --> 01:16:02,046 Hi, Isis. Hey. 1452 01:16:02,858 --> 01:16:06,089 Well, I mustsay, Ididn't expect you to be the church-going type. 1453 01:16:06,362 --> 01:16:08,922 Well, I'm workin' out some shit. 1454 01:16:09,932 --> 01:16:11,422 Plus, all the bars are closed. 1455 01:16:14,737 --> 01:16:16,364 Oh, you guys. 1456 01:16:17,406 --> 01:16:20,398 lcould really use some churchin' tonight. 1457 01:16:22,344 --> 01:16:23,333 You know what I mean? 1458 01:16:24,513 --> 01:16:25,502 No. Nope. 1459 01:16:26,248 --> 01:16:29,843 Well, today my daughter told me she needed "more space." 1460 01:16:30,419 --> 01:16:32,114 I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. 1461 01:16:32,254 --> 01:16:34,882 Yeah. Well, my daughter just kicked me out of her life forever. 1462 01:16:35,191 --> 01:16:36,886 (GASPS) Why? 1463 01:16:38,027 --> 01:16:41,121 Because I push her to be the best, and she can't handle it. 1464 01:16:42,064 --> 01:16:45,056 Of course, my mother pushed me twice as hard and Iturned out amazing. 1465 01:16:45,701 --> 01:16:48,465 But I guess not everyone is as incredibly strong as I am. 1466 01:16:50,239 --> 01:16:53,402 Well, my daughter didn't kick me out of the house or anything. 1467 01:16:53,476 --> 01:16:57,139 Butyou would not believe how mad she got when Itold her! bought the house next to hers. 1468 01:16:57,279 --> 01:16:59,804 What? You bought the house next to your daughter? 1469 01:16:59,915 --> 01:17:00,904 Yeah, Idid. 1470 01:17:00,983 --> 01:17:02,541 Did you ask her first? 1471 01:17:02,885 --> 01:17:04,819 No, Iwanted it to be a surprise. 1472 01:17:05,721 --> 01:17:07,313 Yeah, that might be a bit much. 1473 01:17:07,823 --> 01:17:09,757 Dude, that is fucking psycho. 1474 01:17:10,392 --> 01:17:11,984 Well, at least I love my daughter. 1475 01:17:12,228 --> 01:17:14,219 You only visit Carla when you need money. 1476 01:17:14,330 --> 01:17:15,319 No, that is not true. 1477 01:17:15,464 --> 01:17:19,730 Ivisit her on other occasions, like when I'm hiding from someone. 1478 01:17:19,802 --> 01:17:21,463 Oh, just admit it, Isis. 1479 01:17:21,937 --> 01:17:25,668 You're a degenerate gambler with a third-grade education and a cheap weave. 1480 01:17:25,808 --> 01:17:29,403 This is my own hair, okay? And you're a terrible mother. 1481 01:17:29,478 --> 01:17:31,946 Ladies, it is Jesus' birthday. 1482 01:17:32,014 --> 01:17:33,003 No, I'm serious. 1483 01:17:33,115 --> 01:17:37,142 You think that you are so perfect, but you are the worst mom ofall of us. 1484 01:17:37,586 --> 01:17:38,575 Well, I don't know. 1485 01:17:38,754 --> 01:17:40,619 Okay, okay. The second worst, whatever. 1486 01:17:40,756 --> 01:17:45,318 But the point is that you're one of those moms that you dress so perfectly 1487 01:17:45,461 --> 01:17:49,363 and you give fancy parties, and you know how to cook food 1488 01:17:49,465 --> 01:17:51,490 and you have all your own teeth. 1489 01:17:51,634 --> 01:17:52,965 But you know what? You suck. 1490 01:17:53,035 --> 01:17:55,503 You suck at all the shit that really matters. 1491 01:17:55,604 --> 01:17:58,038 And I even can see it. And I'm stoned all the time. 1492 01:17:58,174 --> 01:17:59,801 Please. You don't know the first thing about me. 1493 01:17:59,942 --> 01:18:03,309 lfyou're such an awesome morn, why did your daughter kick you out of her life forever? 1494 01:18:03,779 --> 01:18:04,768 In yourface. 1495 01:18:04,880 --> 01:18:08,111 And you know what? I have done horrible stuff to my daughter, really horrible shit 1496 01:18:08,551 --> 01:18:11,179 and she has never kicked me out.Never. 1497 01:18:11,687 --> 01:18:16,147 So you just take that and you roll it up real tight and you shove it up your ass. 1498 01:18:17,359 --> 01:18:18,348 SAN DY: Okay. 1499 01:18:19,728 --> 01:18:23,858 We have all shared some very powerful feelings tonight. 1500 01:18:23,966 --> 01:18:25,228 Oh, shut the fuck up, Sandy. 1501 01:18:25,334 --> 01:18:26,323 You bet. 1502 01:18:38,414 --> 01:18:39,642 (SIGHS) (DOOR OPENS) 1503 01:18:43,419 --> 01:18:44,408 Hey. 1504 01:18:45,054 --> 01:18:46,043 Hey. Wow. 1505 01:18:47,056 --> 01:18:48,717 I heard what happened. Hmm. 1506 01:18:51,227 --> 01:18:52,421 Are you doin' okay? 1507 01:18:54,997 --> 01:18:55,986 I don't know. 1508 01:18:59,535 --> 01:19:01,230 Can I ask you something? Sure. 1509 01:19:02,238 --> 01:19:03,364 How do you take it? 1510 01:19:04,273 --> 01:19:06,673 Take what? Living with Mom. 1511 01:19:07,009 --> 01:19:09,705 I mean, she's so bossy and controlling and... 1512 01:19:10,279 --> 01:19:14,375 Oh, my God, she's so vain. I mean, she spends all hertime 1513 01:19:14,617 --> 01:19:18,747 creating this perfect image of herselfjust so she can lord it over people. 1514 01:19:18,887 --> 01:19:21,014 Sweetie, your mom isn't vain. 1515 01:19:21,390 --> 01:19:25,793 Oh, come on. She wears a princess outfit at least once a month. 1516 01:19:26,295 --> 01:19:28,388 (CHUCKLES) You're probably never gonna believe this 1517 01:19:28,464 --> 01:19:30,694 but your mom is the most insecure woman I've ever met. 1518 01:19:32,067 --> 01:19:33,056 My mother? 1519 01:19:33,702 --> 01:19:34,691 Ruth? Yes. 1520 01:19:36,071 --> 01:19:37,197 Redmond? Yes. 1521 01:19:37,873 --> 01:19:38,862 Huh. 1522 01:19:39,208 --> 01:19:40,800 She never shows anyone except for me 1523 01:19:41,610 --> 01:19:46,547 but beneath that tough exterior is a scared little girl whose morn never really loved her. 1524 01:19:46,882 --> 01:19:49,817 Oh, come on, Dad. You know her mother. 1525 01:19:50,619 --> 01:19:53,213 Nothing your mom does is ever good enough for that woman. 1526 01:19:53,289 --> 01:19:57,089 She makes your mom feel worthless even/ single day of her life. 1527 01:19:57,926 --> 01:20:00,986 So that's why it's so important to your mom to make everything perfect. 1528 01:20:01,797 --> 01:20:04,891 It's not because she's vain. You know, it's because 1529 01:20:05,000 --> 01:20:08,299 when someone tells her she's got the most amazing Christmas tree on the block 1530 01:20:08,437 --> 01:20:11,668 it makes her feel, just for a second, like she's not worthless. 1531 01:20:12,341 --> 01:20:14,571 Like she's actually good at something. 1532 01:20:17,846 --> 01:20:19,507 Why does she take it out on me, then? 1533 01:20:19,682 --> 01:20:22,014 Because you know what she's most insecure about? 1534 01:20:22,117 --> 01:20:23,141 Mmm? 1535 01:20:23,752 --> 01:20:24,912 Being a mom. 1536 01:20:27,823 --> 01:20:30,291 I can't tell you the number of times she said to me, 1537 01:20:31,794 --> 01:20:33,659 "Did I do a good job raising Amy? 1538 01:20:34,530 --> 01:20:36,794 "Am I good mother? Did I screw everything up?" 1539 01:20:38,000 --> 01:20:39,331 She really asked that? 1540 01:20:39,468 --> 01:20:42,130 Sweetheart, she loves you more than anything in the world. 1541 01:20:42,771 --> 01:20:44,261 She's just got a... 1542 01:20:45,507 --> 01:20:47,441 A deeply fucked up way of showing it. 1543 01:20:47,543 --> 01:20:48,532 Yeah. 1544 01:20:48,877 --> 01:20:52,313 Look, I've been married to your motherfor 36 years. 1545 01:20:52,381 --> 01:20:53,541 Mmm. 1546 01:20:53,882 --> 01:20:56,680 And she is a pain in the ass, even on a good day. 1547 01:20:57,152 --> 01:20:58,141 But you know what? 1548 01:20:58,554 --> 01:21:00,954 I love her more now than I did the day we got married. 1549 01:21:01,123 --> 01:21:02,988 Because I know the real her. 1550 01:21:04,026 --> 01:21:06,688 And lfyou can find it in your heart to forgive her 1551 01:21:07,996 --> 01:21:09,793 and get to know her like I know her 1552 01:21:10,666 --> 01:21:13,294 you mightjust find that there is 1553 01:21:14,303 --> 01:21:18,865 a funny, sweet, beautiful person hiding inside there. 1554 01:21:20,709 --> 01:21:21,835 Did you say "sweet"? 1555 01:21:22,077 --> 01:21:25,740 Okay, a funny, beautiful person hiding in there. 1556 01:21:25,881 --> 01:21:27,041 (BOTH CHUCKLE) 1557 01:21:30,052 --> 01:21:31,041 Yeah. 1558 01:21:32,855 --> 01:21:33,844 Yeah. 1559 01:21:35,691 --> 01:21:36,885 You know where she is? 1560 01:21:37,326 --> 01:21:38,315 It's Christmas Eve. 1561 01:21:41,864 --> 01:21:43,058 (TIRES SCREECHING) 1562 01:22:14,129 --> 01:22:15,289 Excuse me, excuse me. 1563 01:22:21,637 --> 01:22:22,626 Hey, Mom. 1564 01:22:23,739 --> 01:22:24,728 Hi. 1565 01:22:26,275 --> 01:22:27,264 Hi. 1566 01:22:27,376 --> 01:22:29,139 Hi, I'm Sandy. I'm Kiki's mom. 1567 01:22:29,278 --> 01:22:30,973 Yes, I know. Nice to see you again. 1568 01:22:31,113 --> 01:22:32,102 How you doin'? 1569 01:22:32,214 --> 01:22:34,409 Hey, wow, look at that, all of you are here. 1570 01:22:35,284 --> 01:22:36,273 Okay. 1571 01:22:36,418 --> 01:22:38,045 And what are you doing here, Amy? 1572 01:22:38,253 --> 01:22:39,379 I, um... 1573 01:22:40,589 --> 01:22:43,717 I actually came to apologize for kicking you out of the house. 1574 01:22:46,628 --> 01:22:49,062 You're my mom, and that was a little harsh. 1575 01:22:49,498 --> 01:22:50,487 It certainly was. 1576 01:22:52,401 --> 01:22:53,390 Yeah. 1577 01:22:54,736 --> 01:22:55,725 Okay. 1578 01:22:55,838 --> 01:22:58,739 Hey, psycho bitch, your daughter just apologized to you. 1579 01:22:58,807 --> 01:23:00,900 You're now supposed to say, "I'm sorry" to her. 1580 01:23:01,443 --> 01:23:03,240 That's the way human beings talk to each other. 1581 01:23:03,579 --> 01:23:04,568 Yeah. 1582 01:23:09,485 --> 01:23:12,113 I'm also basically sorry. 1583 01:23:15,023 --> 01:23:17,082 Okay, good. That was good. 1584 01:23:17,426 --> 01:23:19,121 Now tell her what you're sorry for. 1585 01:23:21,363 --> 01:23:22,352 You got this. 1586 01:23:23,999 --> 01:23:25,023 (CLEARS TH ROAT) 1587 01:23:26,335 --> 01:23:30,635 It is possible that I should not have thrown a secret Christmas party at your house. 1588 01:23:31,440 --> 01:23:36,377 Obviously, you made an incredible number of bad decisions this Christmas as well 1589 01:23:36,545 --> 01:23:42,609 but for the tiny fraction of blame that falls on me, 1590 01:23:43,952 --> 01:23:44,941 lam 1591 01:23:45,120 --> 01:23:47,520 generally apologetic. 1592 01:23:50,125 --> 01:23:51,114 Okay. 1593 01:23:51,793 --> 01:23:52,782 Thank you. 1594 01:23:53,795 --> 01:23:57,128 Mom, I know that that was really, really hard for you to say. 1595 01:23:57,399 --> 01:23:59,367 It actually really was. 1596 01:24:02,804 --> 01:24:05,204 And you know what? 1597 01:24:05,340 --> 01:24:08,867 Iwant you to know that I finally understand why you're like this. 1598 01:24:11,847 --> 01:24:13,542 And I need you to know 1599 01:24:15,484 --> 01:24:16,746 that I love you. 1600 01:24:19,354 --> 01:24:20,821 What's that supposed to mean? 1601 01:24:24,726 --> 01:24:26,489 I don't think that you're worthless. 1602 01:24:29,231 --> 01:24:31,096 I think you're fucking amazing. 1603 01:24:31,900 --> 01:24:33,060 Why are you saying this? 1604 01:24:33,168 --> 01:24:35,227 And no matterwhat anyone says 1605 01:24:37,573 --> 01:24:39,097 I think you're a great mom. 1606 01:24:43,045 --> 01:24:44,034 Really? 1607 01:24:44,947 --> 01:24:45,936 Yeah. 1608 01:24:47,349 --> 01:24:48,873 Yeah, I loved my childhood. 1609 01:24:50,619 --> 01:24:52,951 I did. You gave me everything that I needed. 1610 01:24:54,890 --> 01:24:56,949 And you always pushed me to do better. 1611 01:25:00,896 --> 01:25:01,885 Yes. 1612 01:25:02,598 --> 01:25:04,088 No. (LAUGHS) 1613 01:25:04,733 --> 01:25:06,792 But none of us are. 1614 01:25:08,103 --> 01:25:11,698 SO I really want you to know 1615 01:25:14,276 --> 01:25:15,641 that you did great. 1616 01:25:18,246 --> 01:25:21,306 That's the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me. (SNIFFLES) 1617 01:25:24,286 --> 01:25:27,449 I actually think that you're a really wonderful mom. 1618 01:25:27,623 --> 01:25:29,488 I mean, your kids are so happy. 1619 01:25:29,625 --> 01:25:32,093 They're so sweet, and they love you so much. 1620 01:25:35,330 --> 01:25:36,319 Thank you. 1621 01:25:36,431 --> 01:25:37,420 I mean, lwish... 1622 01:25:40,135 --> 01:25:43,298 lwish l was as close to you as you are to your kids. 1623 01:25:46,742 --> 01:25:48,232 We stillcan, Mom. 1624 01:25:52,114 --> 01:25:54,776 Wow, I'm just not very good at this, Amy. 1625 01:25:54,850 --> 01:25:57,819 But ljust love you so much. 1626 01:25:58,954 --> 01:26:01,980 I love you so much. I do. 1627 01:26:02,090 --> 01:26:03,182 (SNIFFING) 1628 01:26:07,462 --> 01:26:10,363 Oh, my God. You're a train wreck. 1629 01:26:10,632 --> 01:26:15,831 Well, it's a very complicated relationship between a mother and a daughter. 1630 01:26:16,104 --> 01:26:19,267 But these two, they've got it together. 1631 01:26:19,374 --> 01:26:20,534 I know. I know, babe. Finally. 1632 01:26:20,642 --> 01:26:21,939 Yeah. Okay. 1633 01:26:22,044 --> 01:26:23,944 Here, do you want some of this? Yes. 1634 01:26:25,180 --> 01:26:28,206 It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. 1635 01:26:28,316 --> 01:26:29,806 (CHURCH BELLS TOLLING) Okay, Mom? 1636 01:26:31,853 --> 01:26:33,844 Mom, is it midnight already? Well. yeah. 1637 01:26:35,991 --> 01:26:37,288 We gotta save Christmas. 1638 01:26:37,492 --> 01:26:39,551 Oh, my God. I've been waiting my whole life for this. 1639 01:27:21,536 --> 01:27:23,902 Oh, it's going, it's going, it's going. Mom! Mom! 1640 01:27:43,125 --> 01:27:44,114 JANE: Oh, my God. 1641 01:27:44,893 --> 01:27:46,224 This is amazing. 1642 01:27:47,429 --> 01:27:49,021 Merry Christmas, guys. 1643 01:27:49,464 --> 01:27:51,625 Mom, you really did a lot of work. 1644 01:27:52,634 --> 01:27:54,033 I had a little help. 1645 01:27:55,737 --> 01:27:57,762 Merry Christmas, children. Grandma. 1646 01:27:57,906 --> 01:27:59,874 (CHUCKLES) 0h! 1647 01:28:00,242 --> 01:28:01,231 Go open your presents. 1648 01:28:02,477 --> 01:28:05,241 I got you seasons one through six of The Walking Dead. 1649 01:28:05,313 --> 01:28:06,905 Oh, good Lord. Really, Mom? 1650 01:28:07,149 --> 01:28:08,810 Thanks, Grandma. (DOORBELL RINGS) 1651 01:28:08,917 --> 01:28:09,906 I'll get it. 1652 01:28:12,287 --> 01:28:13,549 Merry Christmas. 1653 01:28:13,989 --> 01:28:16,116 Lori, Merry Christmas, honey. 1654 01:28:17,159 --> 01:28:19,320 Merry Christmas, Ruth. Merry Christmas, Jesus. 1655 01:28:20,395 --> 01:28:22,488 Uh... It's Jessie. 1656 01:28:22,664 --> 01:28:25,929 Wow, you have really broad shoulders. Amy, feel his shoulders. 1657 01:28:26,067 --> 01:28:28,831 Oh, here we go. Okay, Mother. Thank you. Get in. 1658 01:28:29,504 --> 01:28:31,972 Oh, thanks for almost learning his name. 1659 01:28:32,240 --> 01:28:33,229 I love you, girl. 1660 01:28:38,113 --> 01:28:39,910 Merry Christmas, Kiki. 1661 01:28:40,615 --> 01:28:41,912 Merry Christmas, Mom. 1662 01:28:42,651 --> 01:28:44,448 Do you like my Kiki-head pajamas? 1663 01:28:47,689 --> 01:28:48,917 Sort of. Thank you. 1664 01:28:49,925 --> 01:28:54,157 ljust wanted to let you know that I have put the house next door on the market. 1665 01:28:55,163 --> 01:28:56,528 Thank you. You're welcome. 1666 01:28:56,631 --> 01:28:58,030 I really appreciate that. 1667 01:28:58,133 --> 01:29:01,864 I know I can be a little psycho sometimes, and I know you need your space. 1668 01:29:02,671 --> 01:29:05,765 Which is why I bought the house across the street. 1669 01:29:06,508 --> 01:29:09,477 No, I'm kidding. Ididn't buy the house across the street. Oh, okay. 1670 01:29:09,544 --> 01:29:11,034 I bought the house down the street. What? 1671 01:29:11,146 --> 01:29:13,114 No, I'm gonna move into your attic. 1672 01:29:13,181 --> 01:29:14,944 Morn! Seriously. Kiki. What? 1673 01:29:15,817 --> 01:29:17,182 Where are you living? 1674 01:29:17,619 --> 01:29:20,349 I'm gonna go back to Bismarck, where I belong. 1675 01:29:21,356 --> 01:29:22,948 Thank you. You're welcome. 1676 01:29:23,391 --> 01:29:24,380 ljust... 1677 01:29:26,728 --> 01:29:28,958 I really miss your dad on Christmas. 1678 01:29:30,832 --> 01:29:32,629 I do, too. Yeah. 1679 01:29:34,970 --> 01:29:36,232 I do, too. 1680 01:29:37,472 --> 01:29:38,837 Merry Christmas. 1681 01:29:39,908 --> 01:29:41,398 Merry Christmas, Mom. 1682 01:29:44,579 --> 01:29:45,841 (SNIFFS) 1683 01:29:52,320 --> 01:29:54,185 Hey, Mom, look what Santa got me. 1684 01:29:54,522 --> 01:29:55,989 A used baseball glove. 1685 01:29:56,424 --> 01:29:57,413 It's great, buddy. 1686 01:29:57,659 --> 01:29:59,183 | used to have one just like it. 1687 01:29:59,261 --> 01:30:00,421 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 1688 01:30:02,764 --> 01:30:04,231 Is that Santa? 1689 01:30:05,100 --> 01:30:06,692 Why would it be Santa, honey? 1690 01:30:06,768 --> 01:30:08,395 Remember, Santa came last night. 1691 01:30:13,775 --> 01:30:14,764 Can I come in? 1692 01:30:26,922 --> 01:30:28,184 Um... 1693 01:30:29,090 --> 01:30:32,548 All right, I know I haven't been the best mother in the world. 1694 01:30:35,463 --> 01:30:36,452 But you 1695 01:30:38,199 --> 01:30:40,929 somehowjust turned out really good. 1696 01:30:42,037 --> 01:30:43,061 Um... 1697 01:30:43,872 --> 01:30:45,134 And, Carla, ljust... 1698 01:30:47,409 --> 01:30:48,933 I wanna be more like you. 1699 01:30:51,313 --> 01:30:54,146 SO I've given up gambling 1700 01:30:55,717 --> 01:30:57,048 on horses. 1701 01:30:57,986 --> 01:30:59,977 And I'm gonna pay you back 1702 01:31:00,822 --> 01:31:04,758 every cent that I borrowed from you. 1703 01:31:09,664 --> 01:31:10,653 Really? 1704 01:31:10,999 --> 01:31:13,467 Yeah. You know, I got a fucking job. 1705 01:31:15,470 --> 01:31:16,903 Are you fucking kidding me? 1706 01:31:17,005 --> 01:31:21,601 No! They hired me to be in charge of childrens' safety. 1707 01:31:21,943 --> 01:31:23,968 Why would they let you do that? 1708 01:31:24,079 --> 01:31:25,307 (BOTH LAUGHING) 1709 01:31:25,680 --> 01:31:27,739 I don't even know how I passed the drug test. 1710 01:31:27,816 --> 01:31:28,805 Seriously. 1711 01:31:28,917 --> 01:31:30,350 They're crazy. 1712 01:31:30,485 --> 01:31:35,252 And with what they're paying me, I think I can pay you back in about 245 years. 1713 01:31:36,091 --> 01:31:37,854 Wait, does this mean you're gonna... 1714 01:31:39,794 --> 01:31:41,421 Stick around for a while? 1715 01:31:44,132 --> 01:31:46,293 If it's cool with you, yeah. 1716 01:31:48,136 --> 01:31:49,125 Mom. 1717 01:31:50,672 --> 01:31:52,264 It's all I've ever wanted. 1718 01:31:52,607 --> 01:31:55,303 Well, I'll stay as long as you want me to. 1719 01:31:57,445 --> 01:31:58,434 Mom. 1720 01:32:01,316 --> 01:32:04,444 Mom, also I got a box 0' Ziploc bags. 1721 01:32:05,120 --> 01:32:06,610 Oh, sweet Jesus. 1722 01:32:23,805 --> 01:32:25,329 Shaobing for everybody. 1723 01:32:25,407 --> 01:32:26,396 Everybody but me. 1724 01:32:30,512 --> 01:32:32,980 God, Chinese food on Christmas. 1725 01:32:33,348 --> 01:32:34,872 I feel like such a Jew. 1726 01:32:35,083 --> 01:32:36,641 Would you like some shaobing? 1727 01:32:36,885 --> 01:32:38,580 Oh, you know I would. 1728 01:32:38,887 --> 01:32:40,650 No, honey, that is Ruth's husband. 1729 01:32:40,755 --> 01:32:42,552 Oh, honestly, have at it. 1730 01:32:42,690 --> 01:32:44,419 Hank deserves a little fun at Christmas. 1731 01:32:44,692 --> 01:32:46,023 (LAUGHTER) 1732 01:32:48,063 --> 01:32:49,223 (EXHALES) 1733 01:32:49,330 --> 01:32:52,094 Guys, lcan't believe that we're eating Chinese food for Christmas dinner 1734 01:32:52,500 --> 01:32:54,661 and my mother is loving it. 1735 01:32:55,336 --> 01:32:57,896 lcan't believe my mom's not wearing a sweatshirt with my face on it. 1736 01:32:58,006 --> 01:32:59,064 (LAUGHS) 1737 01:32:59,174 --> 01:33:00,163 Guys, we did it. 1738 01:33:00,241 --> 01:33:02,607 We actually took Christmas back this year. 1739 01:33:03,178 --> 01:33:04,839 lcouldn't have done it without you girls. 1740 01:33:05,246 --> 01:33:06,838 Ladies, I love you. 1741 01:33:07,015 --> 01:33:08,573 We love you back. Same here. 1742 01:33:08,683 --> 01:33:09,945 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 1743 01:33:10,385 --> 01:33:13,843 Hi, is, um, Carla here? 1744 01:33:13,922 --> 01:33:14,911 Yes! 1745 01:33:18,059 --> 01:33:19,048 Ty Swindel. 1746 01:33:20,095 --> 01:33:21,562 How did you find me? 1747 01:33:22,964 --> 01:33:24,090 I just looked for you. 1748 01:33:24,699 --> 01:33:25,688 Hi. 1749 01:33:27,635 --> 01:33:29,626 l have so many things I wanna say to you right now. 1750 01:33:29,737 --> 01:33:30,726 Just say it. 1751 01:33:31,973 --> 01:33:35,136 Ifeel like it's better if I do it through the universal language of dance. 1752 01:33:35,643 --> 01:33:37,474 Shut up. Yes! 1753 01:33:37,612 --> 01:33:39,807 BERNARD: What dancing? RUTH: Christmas dancing. 1754 01:33:49,457 --> 01:33:50,446 Oh, Ty. 1755 01:33:57,599 --> 01:33:58,588 Oh, boy. 1756 01:33:59,234 --> 01:34:00,223 Oh, my God. 1757 01:34:08,009 --> 01:34:09,101 That's beautiful, Ty. 1758 01:34:17,452 --> 01:34:19,249 Oh, my fucking God. 1759 01:34:19,787 --> 01:34:21,687 Turn her around. Turn her around. 1760 01:34:21,856 --> 01:34:23,414 It's okay, just turn her around. 1761 01:34:36,638 --> 01:34:37,627 AMY: Okay. 1762 01:34:38,473 --> 01:34:41,033 All right, that's great. Okay, we're done. 1763 01:34:41,176 --> 01:34:44,111 That was amazing. Thank you so much. 1764 01:34:44,179 --> 01:34:45,373 Just go for it, dude. 1765 01:34:45,513 --> 01:34:46,775 Don't cry, baby. Don't cry. 1766 01:34:48,016 --> 01:34:50,143 (EXHALES) He's so hot. 1767 01:34:51,452 --> 01:34:53,443 That's my son. Yeah? 1768 01:34:53,555 --> 01:34:54,852 Hey, man. Right there. 1769 01:34:54,956 --> 01:34:55,945 That's Jaxon. 1770 01:34:56,057 --> 01:34:57,649 How are you? Nice to meet you. 1771 01:34:59,160 --> 01:35:00,855 I'll take you right in there. I love you. 1772 01:35:00,962 --> 01:35:01,951 I love you. 1773 01:35:03,031 --> 01:35:04,498 Whew. Oh! 1774 01:35:04,699 --> 01:35:06,394 Oh! We better get going or we're gonna miss our flight. 1775 01:35:07,502 --> 01:35:09,663 What flight? Oh, I didn't tell you? 1776 01:35:10,071 --> 01:35:13,234 Isis, Ruth and lare going to Las Vegas for New Year's. 1777 01:35:13,474 --> 01:35:16,375 And we're gonna see Wayne Newton before he dies. 1778 01:35:16,511 --> 01:35:17,876 (WHOOPING) 1779 01:35:17,979 --> 01:35:20,311 The three of you are going to Vegas together? 1780 01:35:20,415 --> 01:35:23,384 Yeah. Well, we're best friends now. 1781 01:35:23,518 --> 01:35:25,008 Well, we're new friends. 1782 01:35:25,386 --> 01:35:26,375 We're best friends. 1783 01:35:26,854 --> 01:35:28,014 Yeah, we're new friends. 1784 01:35:28,089 --> 01:35:29,647 (SNIFFS) Mmm. 1785 01:35:30,191 --> 01:35:32,853 Anyways, Merry Christmas, everyone. 1786 01:35:32,994 --> 01:35:35,656 Yes, Merry Christmas, everyone. 1787 01:35:35,830 --> 01:35:37,525 Hank, get all our bags. 1788 01:36:11,799 --> 01:36:14,029 Merry Christmas, everyone! 1789 01:36:18,873 --> 01:36:20,534 MAN: Ho, ho, ho, girl. 1790 01:36:21,442 --> 01:36:23,034 You're on my naughty list. 1791 01:36:23,911 --> 01:36:25,037 Tonight. 1792 01:37:50,365 --> 01:37:52,697 [chuckles] Your Santa, baby 1793 01:38:34,842 --> 01:38:36,366 MAN: Merry Christmas, baby.