[ laughter ]
[ screams ]
Let's just get this started.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Who's a good cat?
[ laughter ]
Narrator: With special guest eric andré.
Let's get this thing started, shall we?
[ laughter ]
Guys, today we're spending some quality time
In the park with our grandmas.
The catch is, we'll have to ask a parkgoer
To watch them for a moment for some ridiculous reason
Given to us by the other guys.
If you can't get someone to watch nana, you lose.
♪♪
Okay, grandma carol, we're gonna go take a walk.
See if I could spot a nice, upstanding citizen.
Carol, are you comfortable cursing, at all?
No. I'd love to curse.
[ laughter ]
Perfect.
Let's get this [bleep] show on the road.
Okay. Let's [bleep] do it.
[ laughter ]
Q: Alright, sally boy.
Sal: You want to take a break,
And people watch for a little bit?
Carol: Okay.
Murr: I wonder if there's a good samaritan to watch your grandma.
Q: Oh, if only.
Actually, you know what? Excuse me, sir.
This is my grandma, carol.
Would you mind, one second, just watching her?
Because she keeps going on about night goblins,
And you need a little break.
[ laughter ]
She keeps going on about night goblins,
And I just need a little bit of a break.
Thank you. I'll be right back.
Grandma, I'll be right back.
-Okay. -This gentleman will sit
With you for a minute, okay?
Carol, start wheeling away.
[ laughs ]
Q: He's just watching her.
[ laughter ]
Murr: Keep going. Keep going.
He's panicking now.
He doesn't know what to do.
Say really loud, "feets, don't fail me now."
Feets, don't fail me now!
[ laughter ]
He's now following your grandmother.
Q: Carol, turn around and accuse him
Of being a night goblin.
Are you a night goblin?
I think you're a night goblin.
"what are you doing out during the day?"
What are -- what are you doing out during the day?
[ laughter ]
You shouldn't be out during the day.
You're a night goblin.
Murr: Carol, go back toward him.
"take those glasses down. I want to see if you have eyes."
Could you take your glasses down?
I just want to see if you have eyes.
I do. Oh, but you have eyes.
Oh, my god. Yes, you do.
"you're [bleep] cute."
You are [bleep] cute.
[ laughter ]
"you want to hear a list of who I [bleep]?"
You want to hear a list of who I [bleep]?
"milton berle."
Milton berle. "paul rudd."
Paul rudd.
"zendaya." zendaya.
"I did them all."
I did them all.
[ laughter ]
-He's getting back in. -Hey.
Sal: Thank you so much.
Murr: Well done, sal.
Lasted through it.
Carol: I told him everybody I [bleep].
[ laughter ] [ ding! ]
Sal: Alright, murr.
So, this is my grandmother, mel.
She is from England. It's gonna be --
We're gonna have a great time, grandma.
Have a nice day in the park.
I'll tell you, mel is very lovely.
Okay.
Q: Here we go. We're in, we're in.
Grandma, I hate to do this.
What? I have to run for a second.
Excu-- hey, bud.
What's your name, man? Hey, brother.
How's it going? Angel. Angel?
James. This is my grandmother.
Hi. I have a favor to ask.
I gotta dip for one second.
Can you just watch her for one second?
Sure, sure. Alright.
"plus, she's really scared of people like you,
So it'll be good for her."
Plus...
Plus, she's scared of people like you,
So it'll be good for her to be next to you
For just a minute.
[ laughter ]
It's all good, brother. Just keep an eye.
I'll be right back. Don't be scared, grandma.
I'll be back in one second, I gotta just use the bathroom.
I'll be right there.
Mel, turn to him and say, "are you a commie?"
Can I ask you something?
What's that, mel?
Are you a commie?
I'm sorry? "a communist."
A communist. No, I'm no communist.
I'm puerto rican.
[ laughter ]
Thank you very much for watching.
Oh, it's no problem at all. It's very nice of you.
"do you want to arm wrestle? I've never lost."
You know what I've always wanted to do?
What's that? What you got for me?
Could we arm wrestle?
"I've always wanted to arm-wrestle a puerto rican."
I've always wanted to arm-wrestle a puerto rican.
Oh, really? I've never, ever lost.
Alright. You ready for this, mel?
You're going down, big boy.
[ laughter ]
One, two, three.
[ grunting ] [ grunting ]
I think I'm winning.
Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh!
[ laughter ]
Somebody's gonna come along for elder abuse, here.
[ laughter ]
Okay, I'm back. I'm back.
Oh, grandma, grandma. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I told you, don't arm-wrestle puerto ricans.
[ laughter ] [ ding! ]
Alright, grandma, do you want to take a seat one sec,
And just chill out here one sec?
-Okay. -Just take a load off.
What a nice day for a stroll in the park with your grandma, q.
This is for the squirrels,
If you want to feed the squirrels.
Hey, bud, could you do me a favor?
Could you watch my grandmother for one minute?
"I gotta go sell some oregano to some teens."
I'm gonna go over there, and I'm gonna sell some oregano
To some teens.
You know?
Murr: Ooh, he said "yes"!
He's gonna watch her despite the fact
That q's gonna go sell bunk weed to children.
[ laughs ] bunk weed.
-I'll be right back, grandma. -Be good.
Oh, always, grandma -- just like you taught me.
Ann: I don't think he's always good.
[ laughter ]
"my grandson sells oregano to teens."
My grandson sells oregano...
Oregano. ...To teens.
I didn't know teens cooked.
[ laughter ]
I guess his oregano is good.
Sal: "he's got that dank oregano."
It's dank. He says it's a skunk.
A skunk?
[ laughter ]
"hands up. I'm an undercover cop."
Hands up. I'm an undercover cop.
[ laughter ]
Sal: "hands up. I'm an undercover cop."
Hands up. I'm an undercover cop.
[ laughter ]
Ann, try to feed them peanuts.
Do you guys want some peanuts?
No. I'm alright.
They're good.
[ laughter ]
Yeah, just toss peanuts at them.
[ laughter ]
Grandma, they're onto me. We gotta go.
Ann, just turn to them, and say,
"I got to go. Five-o is coming."
I got to go, five-o is coming.
[ laughter ]
Come on, grandma.
Murr: Well done, q. You won.
I didn't know some of those words
They were telling me.
They were making up some words.
[ laughter ] [ ding! ]
Narrator: Murr, q, and sal were good grandsons,
Keeping them safe from the loser board.
Today, we are at the saint bar and restaurant,
Getting interviewed alongside strangers
For a fake documentary.
The challenge is simple --
Answer all the questions without laughing.
The catch is the answers will be given to us by the other guys.
And whoever laughs the most loses.
We love this bit. We love this bit.
Today, it's like a documentary, a fake documentary.
John szeluga, who's on our production team,
Is going to be playing the interviewer --
The documentarian, if you will.
There's a variable you don't realize
That's making this harder today, than usual.
It's szeluga's mustache.
[ laughter ]
All I see is this caterpillar, and it's making me laugh.
It's gonna be really hard.
Sal: Let's see who cole has brought in.
The people joining us today are just being handpicked
As they walk down the street, so...
John: Alright. So, crystal, first question --
"how do you like to spend time with your pet?"
I just spent christmas vacation with him.
Okay. James, how do you like to spend time
With your pet?
Sal: "we play a game called fletch."
We play a game called fletch.
"I throw a ball." I throw a ball.
"he brings it back." he brings it back.
"fletch." fletch.
How is it different than fetch?
No. It's the same?
No, it's not fetch. It's fletch.
John: I never heard of it.
What do you call it? I call it "fetch."
[ laughter ]
You broke, you idiot.
I [bleep] broke.
[ laughter ]
Crystal, dogs or cats? And why.
-Dogs. -Dogs?
A dog is unconditional. A cat is just the opposite.
She doesn't know what the [bleep] she's talking about.
She doesn't know what she's talking about.
James, dogs or cats?
Sal: "either." either.
"I guess I'm bi."
I guess... [ laughter ]
I guess I'm bi.
[ laughter ]
Okay.
-Wow, murray. -Wow, murray, man.
-No laughs. -Next question.
James, how did getting a pet change you?
Q: "I'm straight now." I'm straight out.
[ laughter ]
Can you explain?
My dog is trained in conversion therapy.
-Gotcha! -That was a laugh.
Yeah, it was like --
Never heard that before.
A conversion therapy dog?
You've heard of therapy dogs? Yeah.
They also have conversion therapy dogs.
I'd count that.
"if it catches me looking at a dude, it growls."
If -- [laughs] -- my dog catches me
Checking out a dude, it growls.
Really? Yes.
I don't know what's gonna happen when my dog dies one day.
"my urges may swell."
My urges might swell.
[ laughter ]
[ ding! ]
Murr: Alright, let's rock and roll.
First question -- tell me some things
You're passionate about.
I'm really passionate about history.
Very cool. Great.
So, sal, same question.
Tell me some things you're passionate about.
"highway widening." highway widening.
[ laughter ]
Murr: So weird. Literally adding lanes?
Just the flow of traffic.
Look at her face!
But I don't find a lot of people
Who share that interest with me,
But I am obsessive about it.
Interesting.
Kate, what is your dream job?
David attenborough's job, do what he does.
Yeah, yeah. Sal, same question.
"I forgot the italian word for it,
But it translates to 'pasta tits.'"
[ laughter ]
You know, I forgot the italian word for it,
But it translates to "pasta tits."
[ laughter ]
Murr: "it combines two of the things I love most."
I mean, it combines two of the things
I love the most -- pasta...
...And tits.
[ laughter ]
Who is living the life that you want to live right now?
"if I'm being 100%..." if I'm being 100%...
"...My ex-wife." ...My ex-wife.
"she dead. Went boom."
[ laughs ]
[ laughter ]
That's a laugh, sal. I'm sorry.
That's a laugh.
She dead. Went boom.
I...
I want to go boom.
[ chuckles ]
Murr: That's a laugh. I do.
I really do want to go boom sometimes, so...
[ laughter ]
Did she explode?
Is this an explosion?
Q: Sal's crying. He's got tears.
Look at the tears.
Is it just --
[ laughter ]
Murr: Yes, sal.
This is gonna sound terrible.
Q: That's a laugh, that's a laugh.
"yes, she exploded. My wife exploded."
Geez.
"my wife exploded in 2017.
She exploded."
In 2017, my wife exploded.
[ laughter ]
She was a detonator.
"at a quarry."
At a quarry.
"in perkasie, pennsylvania." in perkasie, pennsylvania.
[ laughter ]
That's it. You're done.
You're done, bud. You're done.
She went boom.
[ buzzer ] sal, you are cooked.
Sal: Alright, q, here we go, buddy.
John: Alright, let's get started.
First question. Daxx, we'll start with you.
What excited you as a child?
I mean, magic.
That's a great answer.
Brian, same question --
What would you get excited about when you were a kid?
Murr: "as a cub scout..." when I was a cub scout...
"...I saw a hiker get struck by lightning."
...I saw a hiker get struck by lightning.
John: Oh, wow.
Murr: "and I've never felt more alive."
And I really, honestly...
[ laughter ]
John: What excited you as a child?
I saw a hiker get struck by lightning.
Oh, wow.
Murr: "and I've never felt more alive."
And I really, honestly, never felt more alive.
[ laughter ]
John: Right in front of you?
I mean, right next to me.
That's wild.
Murr: Q is stone-faced. Well done, buddy.
I thought a hiker getting struck by lightning would get you.
Daxx, what is your dream job?
My dream job?
Oh, god, this is just so lame.
I want to be an actor. Murr: Aww.
Sounds fun.
John: Sounds great. Brian, same question.
Murr: "teat doctor."
Teat doctor.
A dentist? No, no, not teeth, teat.
Oh.
Teat doctor, yeah.
Is that a thing?
Doctor of teats.
Sal: "all things teaties."
[ laughing ] all things teaties.
[ laughs ] he's laughing.
[ stammering ] teat doctor school.
I would do a teat residency.
This is tedious.
[ laughter ]
Alright, next question.
Brian, if you won the lottery tomorrow, what would you do?
Murr: "two words." two words.
"doubloons." doubloons.
[ laughs ]
[ laughter ]
I'm taking that as a laugh.
You can't smile that big.
Doubloons?
They'll never lower in value.
They only increase. They only go up.
[ laughter ]
John: Alright, brian, what's something you're afraid to admit
You love or what secretly excites you?
"oh, I get excited when I see kids get [bleep] up by animals."
[ laughter ]
That's it, baby. Count that.
That's a laugh.
I mean, I secretly get excited --
If -- if we're gonna be -- go there.
Go there. Like, when you see...
I guess I secretly get excited
When kids get, like, [bleep] up by animals.
[ laughter ]
You know when you see a kid feeding a squirrel,
And it shoots up, and it scares the kid.
You know.
"it's best when they get up, but not right away."
It is -- I mean, it's the best when they get up.
John: Yeah.
Not right away, but it's best when they --
When they get up. Stop.
[ laughter ]
I love you. I love you.
♪♪
[ ding! ] murr: Well done, q.
Narrator: After reviewing all the footage,
It looks like sal is tonight's big loser.
Yes, sal has lost today's episode.
So joining us to help out is our dear friend
And returning guest of the show, eric andré.
Thank you, thank you.
I'm scared. [ laughs ]
We are here at the american dream mall,
Where sal and I will be in full clown attire.
You guys are gonna wander the mall.
Yeah.
You're gonna entertain any children that you see.
Entertain them? Yes.
Okay. We're calling this punishment
"good clown, bad clown."
Eric's a good clown. Okay, got it.
Right. [ cackles ]
Yes.
Murr: Alright, let's see sal the clown. [ laughs ]
Q: Oh, my god. Oh, sal.
This is... You look so sad, buddy.
Salvatore the clown.
Hoo-hoo!
It's worth noting that took two hours to do.
Yeah. Oh!
Alright, boys, let's get this thing started, shall we?
How does it feel, sal, to have eric back in your ear?
Terrifying, actually.
[ laughter ]
♪ you're so dumb ♪
♪ you're such a dumb [bleep] ♪
Own it, sal, own it!
♪ sal, you're so dumb ♪
♪ you're such a dumb [bleep] ♪
[ laughter ]
What's going on back there?
Sal, you're about to find out.
[ laughing ] you're about to find out the hard way.
Hello! Three -- four kids.
Give them a lollipop each.
Hello.
Who would like a lollipop?
Wow, a lollipop. You guys want one?
There you go. Say "thank you."
Q: Wow. Cool. Eric: Oh, oh.
Now take all the lollipops back.
[ sighs ]
Q: Uh-oh, buddy. Alright, pal.
[ sighs ]
Well, I will say --
I will just say, for one second, actually.
Murr: Oh, god.
Can I see that one second?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
What's that?
No, no, it's okay. No, no, no.
Oh, no. I just --
It's actually me.
I just -- I just felt like taking them back.
[ laughter ]
Uh, no.
[ laughter ]
Q: Put a lollipop in your mouth.
Put one of those lollipops right in your mouth.
[ laughter ]
Eric: You're evil.
Crushed the children.
You just crushed children's dreams.
Sal, inside the cart is a green bag,
And it's got loose pixie dust in it.
Hand some dust out to kids.
Oh. [ sighs ] some sugar dust.
[ goofy voice ] [ chuckles ] come here!
Come here.
"get the [bleep] over here, kid."
[ normal voice ] hey, get the [bleep] over here.
[ laughter ]
Okay, here comes the bad clown.
Hey, everyone. How are you?
"I'm krispy, the chlamydia clown,
And I'm trying to educate kids about drugs."
I am jah-krispy, the chlamydia clown.
And I'm trying to educate kids about drugs.
It's loose "pixie" powder. "pixie dust."
[ laughter ]
Uh, okay, yeah. Sal, moonwalk away.
♪♪
[ laughter ]
Jah-krispy, the moonwalking chlamydia clown.
[ laughter ]
Hi, buddy. How are you?
What can I get you?
Hey, everybody. Hey! [ laughs ]
Murr: Oh, here comes eric.
What's going on? What do you got in here?
It's for the kids. Everything's for the kids.
This is napta, the chlamydia clown.
[ laughter ]
I'm sorry. He just got out of jail.
No, no, no. He's trying to get back on his feet.
It's alright. I'm allowed here.
Yeah, well, he's, like, technically allowed here,
But he's not supposed to be near you guys.
No, no.
What is this? What do you got --
Why do you got a knife in here? No, no, no, no, no, no.
Why do you got a knife in here, sal?
No, no, no.
Murr: Oh, god.
Guess which one of us got #metoo'd!
No, no. [ laughter ]
No, no, no. That's why he's here.
No, no, no, no.
I'm here for the children, you know?
[ laughs ]
Murr: That's eric andré turning the screws.
[ laughter ]
[ chuckles ] hello.
Ask that little girl who her parents voted for
In the last election.
[ laughter ]
Okay.
Hello!
Who did your...
Who did your parents vote for in the last election?
Do you know? Nope.
Okay, you sure you're not just hiding it from me, right?
No.
[ laughter ]
Hey, guys. What do we have today?
I have balloon animals. I have face painting.
Face painting. Face painting?
Alright, what would you like?
Pluto. Q: Oh, okay.
Like a dog? Murr: Yeah, got it.
So, sal on her left cheek,
Draw a long line down, like a -- like a schnauzer.
Okay. Wow.
Okay.
Okay. Here you go.
There you go. Good.
Now let's --
You know, we might as well switch to the ears.
Do the two ears on the top, buddy.
One left and one right -- the big, big, round ears.
Okay? Just get those ears.
[ laughs ]
Q: Oh, no. Okay.
So, do you want the -- his -- his...
[ laughter ]
Murr: I want you to draw a big, long nose,
You know, going down. Okay?
♪♪
So, do you want the -- his -- his --
Like, ears with lines?
Okay, sal, let's chart the progress, okay?
Take a selfie.
Take a look at -- take a look.
So, I'm gonna do the nose.
[ laughter ]
She's like, "what the [bleep]?"
Sal: No more.
[ sighs ] oh, my god, oh, my god.
We got a little surprise for sal.
Eric, go on back out there, buddy.
Okay.
Q: Alright. Eric's on his way out, bud.
Oh, terrific.
Q: Okay, so we're gonna play a game called
"good clown, bad clown."
Eric, you're gonna do a good clown trick.
Okay, I know this trick.
What trick is this, eric?
This is the trick where you pour milk
Over the kid's head into a funnel.
You are not gonna do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But it catches -- I mean, it's a magic trick.
Are you seriously gonna do that?
Yeah.
Look, look, it doesn't do anything.
It, like, catches it.
Do it to this kid in the green.
Murr: But then, sal, shock the shit out of the kid.
Hey, buddy. Come on over.
Eric: Come on. Two friendly clowns.
"come on, you two are friendly clowns."
And how are you, sir? How are you doing?
Nice to meet you. [ hand buzzer buzzes ]
Oh! Oh. [ laughs ]
This kid's adorable.
You ready for some magic? Yeah.
Here we go. Abracadabra. Whoa!
Oh! Oh.
Oh, my god.
Ooh! Ooh.
Oh, my god. [ cries ]
Q: Oh, guys.
I thought they rigged it.
Murr: Oh, my god. Can we run towels in?
Sal: I'll get a towel, I'll get a towel,
I'll get you a towel.
Don't worry. The kid's with us.
What do I do? What --
Oh, oh, uh... Q: Eric, get out of there.
Eric, get out of there.
Leave sal to deal with it.
Get out of here? Get out?
Sal: No, no, no, no.
Murr: Eric, let sal deal with it.
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna get a towel.
Man: Alright. Just step out of here for a second, alright.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
Here you go -- I don't know -- no, we got -- we got --
We got to put something down here.
I'm so sorry about that.
♪ you're so dumb ♪
Oh, sal. ♪ you're such a dumb [bleep] ♪
Q: You've been dumb [bleep]!
♪ you're such a dumb [bleep] ♪
Clowns: ♪ you're so dumb ♪
♪ you're such a dumb [bleep] ♪
♪ oh, my god, you're so dumb ♪
♪ you're such a dumb [bleep] ♪
Oh, my god. ♪ you're so dumb ♪
"what do you do with the rest of the milk?"
♪ you're such a dumb [bleep] ♪
Oh, wait, wait, what do I do --
Have you seen this guy? No, no, no, no, no!
♪ oh, my god, you're so dumb ♪
♪ you're such a dumb ♪
[bleep] oh!
Murr: There you go, sal. Q: There you go, buddy.
The season two premiere of dumb [bleep]
Look at his face. [ laughs ]
♪ oh, my god, you're so dumb ♪
Sal, if you can't get out of it,
Get into it.
♪ oh, my god, you're so dumb ♪
Hey! ♪ you're such a dumb ♪
There you go, buddy.
There he goes. Jah-krispy the clown, everybody.
♪ oh, my god, you're so dumb ♪