[ laughter ]
[ murr screaming ]
[ laughter ]
[ screaming ]
Let's just get this started.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Who's a good cat?
[ laughter ]
[ cymbals crash ]
[ laughter ]
Narrator: With special guest, alf.
The best is yet to come.
[ laughter ]
Today, we're attempting to give away tickets to events
That we can no longer attend.
But these events will be completely terrible,
As they've been made up by the other guys.
The goal is to get someone to attend the event,
No matter how horrible it sounds.
And if you can't get someone to take these tickets, you lose.
"impractical jokers: The movie"?
Ha. [ blows raspberry ]
Murr: Alright, q, we're back on the streets. Yes.
You have got some hot tickets in that envelope, my friend.
I did notice a gleam in the two of yours eye today
As I was getting my packet of tickets.
That gleam's from just when sal and I look at each other.
When did that start? About 10 minutes ago.
[ both laugh ]
Here we go.
Hey, stache,
My wife can't go to -- stache.
[ murr laughs ] stache?
Your opening line was, "stache, my wife can't go."
What does that mean? What does it mean?
We've made no progress.
This show started with you calling somebody "mustache."
[ laughs ]
Sorry, mustache.
Don't call me mustache.
Alright, mustache. Don't call me clown. That's all I'm saying.
It's still all I got.
12 years later, you're still doing it.
Who's this guy?
-Hey. -There you go, q.
Oh. Hey, you know what?
My buddy doug just canceled on me.
We had tickets to something tonight,
And I'm just going to give them away completely free.
You want it?
It's "exhume america presents
Let's exhume fred astaire."
[ sal and murr laugh ]
Have you heard about exhume america yet?
No. You didn't hear?
They dug up marilyn monroe. They exhumed her on stage.
So tonight's fred astaire's turn.
No, I live right here. I live right up here.
I'm here all the time.
[ both laugh ]
Sal: You're living in the big six accounting firm?
No, no, no, the building right -- not in that --
Wow, you really know this town, huh?
[ both laugh ]
You sure you don't want the tickets?
No.
[ both laugh ]
He busted your lies.
Excuse me.
My friend just canceled on me.
I got two tickets to something. I'm just giving them away.
I don't even want money or anything.
Uh, the funeral of monsignor francis j. Harris.
[ laughs ]
Tonight at saint mary's church. No? No, can't make it tonight?
It's a hot ticket, though. It's three nights.
Oh, well, the body probably won't keep that long.
[ sal and murr laughing ]
Terrible attempt. All fails for q.
How have I gotten no better at this in a decade-plus?
[ buzzer ]
Alright, sal's got some hot tickets in his hand.
Here we go.
Hey. Yeah, I can't use them. I will see. Hold on.
Hey, do you guys want free tickets to a show?
I can't use them. I'm just going to give 'em away.
Can I call you back? Okay.
Nice. Believable.
My girlfriend can't make it.
Yeah, tonight, like, three blocks over.
"tyler perry presents katy perry and matthew perry,
Starring steve perry and joe perry."
[ both laugh ]
All the perrys under one roof.
It's tyler perry and katy perry?
No, "tyler perry presents katy perry
And matthew perry starring steve perry and joe perry."
That's a lot of perrys. Yeah.
Is this a prank?
Yeah, it is. Yeah.
[ both laugh ]
Excuse me, guys. You want free tickets
To a show I can't go to tonight?
I got two tickets. I just want to give them away.
Q: Here we go.
"gacy: Just the clown stuff."
Have you heard -- oh, god.
It's going to be -- [ both laugh ]
Have you heard of it? The doc?
No, I haven't heard. I've heard of gacy.
This is the doc about him, but it's not the murderings.
It's just the clown stuff. So it's light.
It's light. It's, like, rated pg-13.
A lot of people don't know he was a really great clown.
For years, he was a clown,
And his sleight of hand is unmatched.
Hella balloon animals he makes, too.
[ both laugh ]
It's tonight if you want to go. No.
-Oh. -Oh.
All that and nothing, sal. I thought you had him.
Would you like tickets to a show tonight?
I'm giving them away. I can't make it.
So it's "lil jon presents turn down for when?"
[ q and murr laugh ]
Lil jon plays a time traveler.
Okay.
[ both laugh ]
It's "turn down for when?"
"turn down for how" is next spring.
Why can't you go anymore?
'cause my girlfriend has to stay late at work.
Really? Yeah.
I'd be like, "girl, just get off of work."
She's a piece of shit, but it's alright.
[ laughs ]
Thanks. I appreciate it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Get crunk tonight, though. You got to do it. I will.
Murr: She got it.
Till the sweat drops down your balls. Okay?
[ q and murr laughing ]
-What? -Here we go.
Your flight's canceled?
But we got these tickets for tonight, babe.
Q: Alright, go ahead, murr.
Alright. I love you. Bye.
Buddy, can I ask you a question? My wife just canceled on me.
We're going to see a show tonight.
Do you want tickets? It's free. Take them.
It's a great show.
It's "murr live!"?
[ both laugh ]
Q: Your own show.
Do you know what "murr live!" is? No, I don't.
You don't know who murr is?
He's like a really famous comedian.
He's very, very funny. Bald.
[ both laugh ]
You don't know murr?
Alright. [ both laugh ]
Sal: Murr, walk up to that lady that's scratching her back
And go, "excuse me, I noticed you was scratching your back
With the puerto rican flag.
Would you like free tickets tonight?"
[ q laughs ]
Excuse me. I noticed you're scratching
Your back with the puerto rican day flag.
[ sal and q laugh ]
Puerto rican day flag?
Would you like these free tickets to a show?
My wife can't make it. For what?
The name of it is "void, void, void, void.
Sample ticket. Do not sell.
Void, void, void, void."
You're going to love it.
You're not going to make it? No.
[ both laugh ]
I mean, it's free. I know, I know.
Take them. They're going to have
Free spaghetti dinner here also.
Free spaghetti dinner? Yeah.
I don't know if I can compete with that.
Murr, murr, slap your arm and go, "ah, I just got bit."
Ah! I just got bit.
Can you get it? It's right there.
Down below the shoulder -- there you go.
[ both laugh ]
That's it. That's it. It's lower. Lower.
Yeah. Get the puerto rican flag down there. That's it.
You got it. Yes.
You sure you don't want them?
Ah, well. Thanks.
[ laughs ]
Guys, I'm sorry.
My wife just canceled on me for tonight.
Do you want these tickets? I can't use them.
The show is, uh... -Here we go.
..."jersey city..." [ chuckles ]
[ sal and q laughing ]
Murr: Do you want these tickets? I can't use them.
The show is, uh... -Alright. Here we go.
..."jersey city..." [ chuckles ]
[ q laughing ]
The show is "jersey city [bleep]-fest."
[ sal and q laughing ]
Why would he say it?
It's a great show.
It's the "jersey city [bleep]-fest." it's great.
Everybody gets together. It's a great party.
It's like a rave.
They only do one [bleep]-fest a year.
And it's tonight.
Yes, totally.
You've heard of oktoberfest, right? Yes.
This is like the jersey city version of that.
But it's a...[bleep]-fest.
-Okay. -Where are they from?
Where are you from?
It's a [bleep]-fest. A [bleep]-fest.
You guys in Italy don't have, like [bleep]-fests?
No. No.
There's no [bleep]-fest?
Well, take them. Jersey city's a great town.
It's the next town over. The show's tonight.
If she takes "jersey city [bleep]-fest" tickets...
Take them. They're free. Put them to good use.
Give them to somebody. I don't care.
Yeah, go ahead. There you go.
Whoa!
Now that I'm married, I go to less [bleep]-fests.
But the jersey city one is the best [bleep]-fest
On the east coast.
[ both laugh ]
Ciao.
[ sal and q laughing ]
Narrator: Q took a loss on his tickets,
Making him first up on the loser board.
Today, we are at dominican university,
Sitting in a waiting room
And having an over-the-top conversation on our cellphones.
After we hang up, we'll be given the reason why we're so upset.
The goal is to get the other person in the waiting room
To agree that you didn't overreact.
If they think you did, you lose.
I'm so overreacting!
It's actually just how he acts.
Don't look now, but it's joffrey.
[ sal and q laugh ]
I'm joffrey! Hmm?
Cole, today, I think you're actually chauncey.
Sal: Ooh, I like chauncey.
Alright, you can grab a spot.
Here we go, murr. Incoming.
[ cellphone vibrates ]
Hello?
Okay, murr, let's see you overreact.
You've got to be kidding me. This is devastating.
[ sal and q laugh ]
[ voice breaking ] there's people in here.
I can't talk about this now.
Really? You have to cut the conversation.
I have to go. I'm at work right now.
I can't talk -- fine. Fine.
Wrong number.
[ sal and q laugh ]
Wrong number.
[ laughs ]
[ both laugh ]
Why would the wrong number call me?
I'm at work right now. It's not right.
Well, listen, if a wrong number gets you that way,
Imagine if it was really bad news.
Sal: Oh, I think he's saying he overreacted.
Why did the person not double-check the number
Before they called me? Why don't you just say,
"hey, wrong number. See you later"?
[ both laugh ]
Any advice how I can calm down?
Like, it just upsets me so much that somebody calls -- yeah, smoke weed.
Smoke weed.
Smoke weed? Yeah.
Oh, come on. Alright. Hey.
You got the right guys back here.
Give this guy my number.
I didn't overreact, did I?
If a wrong number upsets you like that,
You have a right to be upset.
Oh-ho-ho! You got what you needed, buddy.
He sided with you.
Well, I'm chauncey, and I think that was an overreaction.
Chauncey, that's not my opinion, buddy.
[ sal and q laugh ]
Q: Ding, ding, ding. Here we go.
♪ whose phone is ringing ♪ ♪ mine, mine ♪
♪ whose -- ♪ hello?
Murr: Oh, there's the turn.
Q: He's good at this.
He cried on command once.
Well, he's always a step away from crying, so that's not hard.
Do you think it's okay?
You think that's okay to do?
Murr: Uh, uh, she just shot you a look.
This -- this can't be happening again.
Listen to me. Hear my words.
This is the last time. It's the last time.
Good-bye.
The mcrib is back.
[ murr and q laugh ]
The mcrib is back.
[ murr and q laughing ]
It keeps coming back.
[ sighs ] I can't take it. Oh.
It just keeps coming back. I think it's going to go,
And then it comes back.
It's like it's seasonal, but they don't say it's seasonal.
[ murr and q laugh ]
That was mcdonald's.
[ both laugh ]
It was a marketing call.
I sell the buns, you know?
Really? My friends call me sally buns.
Sally buns.
My name's sal. Murr: My last name's buns.
My last name is buns.
They just call him by his name.
It's a good business to get into, then. It's a wild coincidence. Yeah.
[ both laugh ]
The thing is, with the mcrib, you know the shape of it, right? Mm-hmm.
So the buns need to be oblong. Mm-hmm.
They're hard to make.
Why are they hard to make?
Because you need a special machinery for it.
And every time they tell me the mcrib's gone,
I throw the machine out.
It's a $120,000 machine.
Just to make slightly different bread.
I have spent over half a million dollars
On mcrib bun machines.
[ q and murr laugh ]
Sal -- "I am so mcpissed."
I am mc-[bleep]ing-mad.
[ q and murr laugh ]
-The mcballs on them. -The mcballs on them.
Murr: Did I mcoverreact?
[ q and murr laughing ]
Do you think I overreacted? No.
Whoa! Oh!
I've never tried a mcrib. Never will.
No? Not after today.
Not after today? Well, thank you so, so goddamn much.
I like the mcrib. I'm glad it's back out.
Do you know how much longer I have to mc-[bleep]ing-wait?
You could probably just go home.
It's a mcrib focus group.
Okay.
[ q and murr laughing ]
Hi. Hi.
Alright. You know this old chestnut.
[ cellphone playing "ode to joy" ] oh.
Uh-oh. Oh, wow.
How rude. [ chuckles ]
Hey. Yell-o.
Hey, bud.
Murr: Uh-oh. Sal: Oh, no.
Uh-oh, q. No, no.
Just say that one more time. Make sure I have it right.
[ murr and sal laugh ]
Listen to me.
You don't want to make an enemy out of me, okay?
You already did it?
No, I'm not living with that. I got news for you, friend.
You're not going to be living with that much longer
If you keep this up.
-Hang up. Hang up. -No, no, no, no, no.
You'll be seeing me real soon.
My wife got bangs.
Murr: She's got bangs.
[ murr and sal laugh ]
No, no, no, no, no. You'll be seeing me real soon.
My wife got bangs.
[ murr and sal laugh ]
Murr: She's got bangs.
My wife got bangs.
[ murr and sal laugh ]
She cut her hair into bangs, you mean?
She got bangs.
And here's the thing.
I go through the cycle with her every five years.
She wants bangs, she gets bangs,
Then she cries 'cause nobody
Looks good with bangs.
[ murr and sal laugh ]
Sal: Look at chauncey's face.
Every woman I know that gets bangs regrets bangs.
Do you remember that she has bangs?
[ sobs ]
Those aren't bangs, right?
Yeah. These are bangs. Oh, okay. Sorry.
And I don't care what you think of them, but --
No, see, I don't look at those as bangs.
She gets those short ones that look like an anime creature.
Yeah, but don't you love her regardless of, like, bangs?
It's not like she, like, got a facelift or something.
[ murr and sal laugh ]
You don't think I overreacted to that, do you?
Uh... [ chuckles ]
I wouldn't act that way. Let's just put it that way.
Murr: Wow.
Yes. Overreacting.
My girlfriend has bangs.
How does she look? Terrible.
Yeah.
[ murr and sal laugh ]
I'm going to go outside and smoke this plant.
[ murr and sal laugh ]
[bleep] you, joffrey.
[ murr and sal laugh ]
Narrator: Q blew things out of proportion,
So he's tonight's big loser.
Oh, my god. Today is a special day.
I cannot believe I'm saying this.
This is ridiculous. But we have, as a guest,
Television legend and celebrity chef, alf.
Hi, alf. Hi. Listen, I heard you lost,
And these guys want to punish you, and I said no.
No one's going to punish my biggest fan.
So instead, alf decided to give you a reward.
That's right. I got this new cookbook out,
And we are going to cook you a melmacian feast.
You lost. This is your reward.
You're welcome, buddy. But here's the deal.
We're not going to tell you what's in each dish.
We think it'd be more fun if you try to figure it out.
And I hope you have a refined palate.
There's going to be a lot of different flavors happening
In my mother's famous slimeballs parmesan.
[ laughter ]
Can we bring out the dish? Q: Alright.
Sal: Let's bring out the slimeballs.
One of my favorites.
Murr: Q, it's a spaghetti and slimeball.
That looks pretty good. Sal: Yeah.
You've got to eat this one before it clots.
Oh, god. [ laughter ]
Oh, man. I can't. Yeah, you can, and you will.
Now, here's the deal. You're going to take a bite of that
And you're going to try to tell us what's in it.
And if you don't get it right,
You're going to take another bite.
Alright. [ clears throat ]
[ whining ]
Yeah, get the accouterment, too. Not just the --
Yeah, get the whole thing.
This is the part -- that's the slimeball.
Get a slimeball.
You know, these were all tested
In a test kitchen.
Here, though, on this planet,
I think you call it a poison control center.
[ laughter ]
Oh, alf.
Chomp, chomp. Chomp, chomp.
Ugh.
What do you think?
Obviously, spaghetti, we got.
The cherries, I got.
It's the slimeball that's a mystery.
First guess is, like, a chicken liver?
-That's disgusting. -Yeah.
[ laughter ]
Is it a mollusk of some sort?
Ah! Ah!
They have mollusks on melmac.
It crawls.
This is escargot? This is a slug?
Oh.
Yes, q, the spaghetti and slimeball
Is cherry pie filling, spaghetti with red pepper flakes,
And escargot. Delicious.
Well, can we escar-go to the next plate? Yes.
Nice segue.
Yeah. Not bad, right? Yeah.
Oh, my gosh. This looks great, q.
This is one of alf's specialties.
It's disheveled eggs. Disheveled eggs.
This is a reward. Yeah.
This is not a reward.
Alf made these dishes. Are you kidding me?
This is a reward, my friend.
Well, I didn't make them personally.
We have a chef in the back. He's an italian guy.
Sal monella.
[ laughter ]
So eat that. Come on, hurry up.
Alright. Okay.
Hoo. It's stinks.
-Oh. Oh. -Q.
Q: I'm gonna throw up already.
Check, please.
[ sal laughs ]
Hoo! It stinks. Alright. Okay.
Murr: Q. I'm gonna throw up already.
[ gags ]
Check, please. [ laughs ]
Just tell us the ingredients, babe.
That's all you got to do.
Obviously, we got anchovy of some sort
On top of an egg.
Yeah.
Is this fish food?
It's got some fish food.
What do you taste in there for the yolk?
It just tastes like fish.
What you have here is an egg yolk
Made of toothpaste, my friend.
Toothpaste? Yeah. Yellowed toothpaste.
[ laughter ]
I'm hoping you're enjoying it.
I'm loving it. Yeah. Then we have more.
Oh, thank you.
Maybe we could start, like,
A line of frozen, like, at-home dinners?
Absolutely. Yeah?
I'm not the only chef named gordon that sold out.
[ laughter ]
Shots fired.
Oh. Alright, let's see
What you do with the next thing.
What? What the [bleep] is this?
This is a melmacian classic.
Murr: It's what alf calls tongues casino.
Right. As they say on your planet,
"mangia."
Oh, no.
Oh. Q.
Oh.
Oh, god.
Alf, I've never tried this delicacy.
I have heard, though, it tastes pretty good.
The first person I dated in my life
Used to eat it all the time, and then we'd make out afterward
And I would be grossed out.
That's...
Just carry on. Carry on.
I shouldn't have told the tale.
I can't swallow.
Want something to wash it down?
Yes. Saliva.
Alright. What is this? Cow tongue?
Yes! Very good, q!
It's cow tongue.
The best is yet to come.
Q, what we have here for you
Is alf's garden pizza.
Garden of melmac. Garden of melmac pizza?
Oh, lord.
Dig right in there. Dig right in there.
Yeah. Come on. Don't be shy.
[ laughs ]
You know he's enjoying this. Yes.
Yeah. That is very attractive.
[ gags ]
Mm.
Are you going to play a tune?
[ gags ] uh-oh. I take it he likes it?
That's right. He loves it.
Ugh.
So what are you thinking? Alright.
First of all, it's delicious.
[ laughter ]
Another winner.
Alright, obviously, we have some grass.
That's right.
We do have grass in the garden. Okay.
And then this is what was getting me.
The shell of whatever this bug is.
I don't know. Is this crickets? Yes, it is.
You have pizza sauce, grass,
And grasshoppers.
Alright, q, one final dish, bud.
You're doing great.
I just want to give you a warning. Okay.
This is going to change your whole perspective.
Is it really? Yeah.
You're not going to want to do this show anymore.
I hear the fire department's hiring.
[ laughter ]
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And where does this recipe come from?
Again, melmac.
[ laughter ]
Get that in there.
Uh-oh.
One final dish. Everything with everything.
How many ingredients are in this?
It doesn't really matter.
[ sal laughs ]
Oh, my. Yeah.
Don't overblend it.
There still needs to be little lumps in it.
Sal: Alright.
What am I supposed to do with this?
You're supposed to drink that,
And when you finish drinking it, we're done.
Murr: That's it, buddy. Simple punishment.
Sal: So, q,
You know that this is everything with everything.
So in this concoction right now, we have toothpaste,
Sardine, dried fish flakes,
Escargot, grasshoppers, grass, and cow tongue.
The best. This is the culmination of everything.
Yeah. It could be the culmination of your career.
[ laughter ]
Try it. You'll like it.
Drum roll, please.
[ drum roll ]
[ laughs ]
Down the hatch, as they say.
Up the lid.
[ gags ]
It's a success.
[ laughter ]
He didn't even drink it yet.
The smell is outrageous. You threw up? Legit?
The smell is out-- [ gags ]
Eww!
No, thanks. I just brushed my teeth.
Murr: Alright, q. Here we go, buddy.
Sal: Here we go.
Alright, buddy. Alright, alright.
Watch out. Get out of --
Oh! [ laughs ]
[ vomits ]
It was in my mouth. It was in my mouth.
[ gags ] q: What do I got to do here?
Don't stand near me and dry heave.
I didn't know I was going to do it.
It comes out involuntarily.
You're dry heaving over my right shoulder.
[ gags ] oh.
I would get out of spraying distance.
[ vomits ]
You know, it's great to be doing highbrow comedy again.
[ laughter ]