[ laughter ]
[ screams ]
Let's just get this started.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Who's a good girl?
[ laughter ]
[ cymbals crash ]
[ laughter ]
Narrator: With special guest michael ian black.
That's awesome.
[ laughter ]
Today we are at the american dream mall
Asking people to sign up for a chance
To win a $25 gift card!
Wow! But if you want to be eligible,
You gotta give us your cellphone number,
And that's when the fun begins.
That's because the other guys
Will be sending weird text messages on our behalf.
Whoever gets the least amount of text messages back loses.
I always feel like when we do these things,
We're in, like, literally in the cia or the fbi,
'cause we have, like, people stationed all over.
You guys are like other cia agents.
Wouldn't it be crazy if we solved a crime?
I solve crimes all the time. What crimes do you solve?
I look out my window with binoculars, and I --
I search for minor crimes.
Have you caught any? I've seen a couple,
But I didn't get out of the house
In time to thwart them.
[ laughter ]
Sal, let's try this guy in the red hat.
Hey, how you doing, buddy? Just so you know,
Every single 10 minutes, we give away a $25 gift card
That's good anywhere in this mall.
I take your number, and we text a winner.
Yeah! There we go!
And what was your name? Vinny.
And your number, vinny?
201...
Bam! Got it.
Okay, so you'll get a text in a second
That you've been entered. Good luck, buddy.
All right.
Thank you.
We got vinny's number. [ laughs ]
[ laughter ]
Oh, I don't like this.
Oh, the game starts. Here we go.
What do we got, guys?
Vinny has "been hit by the sexy van.
If you don't forward to 16 people,
You will die of a disease."
[ laughing ] oh, my god. Yeah.
Is he writing back?
Oh, yeah, he is in. He is a-laughing.
He wrote back, "what the f?"
No, he didn't. Did he really?
Well, I guess now he's gonna die of a disease.
[ laughter ]
This one's exciting. This is a picture of sal.
Oh, come on, now. You all know it.
No. It's a big picture of sal at his worst.
You're gonna bring this old nugget back?
I just texted him,
"this is what I'd look like as a woman.
Would you date me?"
And the photo I sent him was that.
[ laughter ]
Oh, my god.
Oh.
He wrote back, "you look better as a woman lol."
[ laughter ]
Touché, vinny.
I just got an idea.
Oh, no! Oh, no! All right.
I just sent a text to vinny,
And I cced casey, our director.
I wrote, "vinny, I'm ccing my wife, susan.
Sue, this is the cute guy vinny I told you about."
[ laughter ]
Wait. Give me your phone.
[ laughing ] now we've got two phones
Texting vinny. No, no, no, no, no.
Your wife just texted, "hi, vinny!"
[ laughs ] oh, my god.
We in a group chat now? Yeah, we are.
Oh, god.
All right, your wife just sent him,
"you've been hit by the sexy van.
If you don't forward to 15 people,
You will die of a disease."
[ laughter ]
Vinny's been hit twice by the sexy van?
Vinny's getting slaughtered by the sexy van.
[ laughter ]
[ laughs ]
Vinny's got the thousand-yard stare now.
He's just staring at you. I know.
Sal, your wife just texted vinny a picture of herself.
I just forwarded it to you on your phone so you can see.
"just took a cute new profile pic."
Oh, jesus christ.
[ laughter ]
Oh, his reaction!
He's putting his glasses on.
Is he not gonna know this is a joke?
It looks like a meth head.
[ laughter ]
Is he typing back? He just wrote back,
"is there something wrong with you?"
[ laughter ]
Just get it over with. Send him a dick pic.
[ laughter ]
Murr: All right, q.
Excuse me. Hi. My name is brian.
I'm giving away american dream gift cards.
I just need your phone number.
203...
Oh, immediately.
Oh, oh. What is your name?
Gihani.
Okay. Thank you.
Thanks so much. You're welcome.
Sal: Okay, here we go, q.
We're gonna start off, "so while we're waiting,
My parents are getting divorced."
Send.
[ laughter ]
She's like, "what do you want me to do?"
Murr: Q, we just sent a follow-up text --
"not sure which one I'll wind up with."
[ laughter ]
She's looking at her phone.
[ laughter ]
She wrote, "lol." that's one text back, buddy.
[ laughter ]
We wrote back, "they still gots custody you see.
I'm a big boy now, but they still gots custody."
[ laughter ]
She's writing again, q. You're lucking out.
She wrote back, "mama's boy"
With a picture of a little boy.
Let's shift the focus back to her, yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
"are your parents still together/alive?"
[ laughs ]
Oh, what if you get a horrible response, though?
She's writing back!
She's saying, "both alive not together."
All right. Ready?
Ooh! "ooh, dish, bish."
[ laughing ] oh, no, no, no, no.
[ laughter ]
She literally laughed out loud.
"little princess only child."
Oh, she -- got it. Ah.
Okay, so we'll answer that with,
"getting my vasectomy tomorrow.
Pretty nervous. What if they cut off
The whole ting?!"
Send.
[ laughter ]
Okay. Full tide change. Full tide change.
[bleep] her eyes are like,
"what the [bleep]?"
[ chuckles ]
I-I'm a-gonna go give her the gift card...
[ laughter ]
You won!
There you go. There you go.
Oh, what was funny?
[ laughter ]
Q: All right, murr, get this woman sitting next to dan cast.
Oh, sir, I'm sorry to interrupt.
Every 15 minutes, we give away another $25 gift card.
"so I can win 25 clams? [bleep] yeah."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[ laughter ]
Hi. What's your name?
Cindy. Hi, cindy.
Murr, "you heard about the clams?"
I don't know if you heard about the aforementioned clams.
We give away 25 clams every 15 minutes.
[ laughter ]
Would you like to be entered into the contest?
Okay.
[ laughter ]
Game's afoot.
We're just sending clam, like, gifs and emojis.
"25 clams can be yourz!"
Oh, my god!
[ laughter ]
She could -- she texted back! What'd she say?
"lol. I don't think I want 25 clams, haha."
"I got clams for dayz. I'm the clam man, cindy."
[ laughter ]
"lol. More power to ya, clam man!"
That's what she wrote? Yeah. You're the clam man.
The clam man.
Hey, murr, I just sent it.
"my grandmother had a clam allergy, and it killed her.
First christmas without her this year."
Oh, here we go. Here we go.
[ laughter ]
"oh, man. I'm sorry to hear that."
[ chuckles ]
Oh, now that's sincere.
I'll take care of it.
All right, murr, and now we're writing,
"bitch died how she lived -- with a clam in her mouth."
[ laughter ]
"now, that's not nice to say about grammy!"
This is no problem. She's texting up a storm.
Ohhh! Ohhh!
What'd you text?
Oh! Oh, this is changing the game.
Oh, yeah, man. This is changing everything.
[ laughter ]
Q: Ohhh! Sal: Ohhh!
What'd you text?
I put, "I feel close enough with you.
Does this look infected?"
And it is a disgusting
Puss-y pimpled back.
Come on, guys.
[ laughter ]
Okay. She's stopping.
She looks a little exasperated.
Oh, no.
Oh, she's in, murr. She began to write back.
She goes, "ahhh yah!"
[ laughter ]
Give her the card, man, I guess.
Yeah, just go up to her and give her -- just give her the card.
Go up to her and give her two gift cards.
Cindy, you won the cards. $25 gift card.
I am the clam man, and I'm gonna --
Yes, and I am gonna go "shell-ebrate." yeah.
[ laughter ]
Narrator: Message received.
Sal's first up on the loser board.
Today we are playing security guards
At lot less closeouts.
And while we're on watch, ready to snap shoplifters' necks
If we have to, we've gotta do and say
What the other guys tell us.
And if you refuse anything, you lose.
Aah!
He wasn't even shoplifting.
Sal: All right, baby,
You're a security guard at lot less.
You know that little remote-control device
We put in your pocket?
Yeah. Okay, so take that out.
Ask this woman if she wants to see something really cool.
Okay.
-These are $9.99? -$9.99.
Oh, that's cute.
I think so.
You want to see something really cool?
They gave me this new security device here. Mm-hmm.
"it's a microwave infrared sonar sensor."
It's a microwave infrared sonar sensor.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
"with it, I can control anyone in the store."
And it, like, influences the brain a little bit,
Controls them a little bit, like, give it,
You know, minor things. Give it a little --
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to see it work?
Oka-- no. Unh-unh.
[ laughter ]
Murr: Q, we got cha coming in as a customer, okay?
Point it at cha. Cha, drop everything in your hands.
See that girl over there? Watch this.
Cha, go!
[ laughter ]
Isn't that crazy? Yeah.
Murr: She believes it!
No, no, no. She doesn't know.
Q, point at her, and, cha, knock everything over, cha.
And if you hit this other button, watch this.
[ device beeps ] cha, go!
[ laughter ]
It's a security device. Yeah. No, no, it's cool.
Cha: I don't know what's going on. I'm sorry.
Oh, this is crazy!
It's a theft-prevention device.
"want to see something else cool?"
Want to see something else cool?
No.
Watch this. No, I really don't.
Murr: Cha, dab.
[ laughter ]
[ laughing ] oh, oh, no! Oh [bleep]
Yeah. Do you want to try it?
No, no, no.
Cole, can you walk through?
Q, say, "you see the white guy?"
See the white guy over there? Watch this.
No, don't do that. Mnh-mnh.
Murr: Go! Drop!
[ laughter ]
Q, hit him again.
Drop, cole.
[ laughter ]
[ laughs ]
Q, use it on yourself.
Say, "shamone," dab, and fall to the ground.
[ laughter ]
Yeah, I understand.
You know what? I'm gonna put it away.
Shamone!
[ laughs ] what?! That was not a dab.
She just walked away.
[bleep] I actually hit myself.
[ laughter ]
Murr: All right, sal. Security sal.
Q: Turn to this woman that just walked in and say,
"if you want to shoplift, that's fine.
I just gotta wet my beak a little bit.
I gotta get a taste."
[ laughter ]
Excuse me, miss.
Straight up, just so you know, straight up,
If you want to take anything, you can.
I'm not gonna stop you.
I just want just a little piece of it.
I gotta wet my beak.
Okay? Okay.
All right.
[ laughter ]
Q: Oh, who's this child?
Talk to the child. Make sure that's his mom.
Sal, make sure this kid's okay, man.
You'll mess up his "mom" if he needs you to.
Psst!
You good? You're okay?
"you want me to [bleep] her up?"
I'll [bleep] her up, you know?
[ laughter ]
Sal, you're just looking for somebody to [bleep] up today
In the store. [ laughter ]
You're a hammer just looking for a nail.
Ma'am, if anybody troubles you
Or anything like that, just let me know.
I'm security. I'll [bleep] them up bad.
[ laughter ]
Another kid? Is that her mom?
Is that your mom?
Okay, 'cause if it's not, I'll [bleep] her up.
[ laughter ]
Ma'am, if anybody looks at you cockeyed,
I'll [bleep] them up for you.
Oh... All right. Okay.
Sal, adopt a signature [bleep]-up move.
If anybody here gives you a little bit of a weird feeling,
Let me know, I'll [bleep] them up.
[ laughter ]
Anybody in here bothers you, let me know.
I'll [bleep] [bleep] in...
I appreciate it. Yeah, bro.
Thank you, sir. Let me know.
[ laughter ]
Can I get my umbrella?
Yes. Your umbrella. Uh...
Murr: If people want their umbrella back,
They gotta give you the claim ticket.
[ sighs ]
[ laughter ]
Do you have the ticket?
Never give that umbrella back, or you lose.
Let me tell you, I'm in a bad way.
You know, everybody today is yelling at me.
This is where I gotta draw the line.
Murr: "no ticket, no umbrella."
[ laughter ]
No ticket, no umbrella.
[ sad music plays ]
Can't do it.
My hands are tied. I can't do it no more.
"I got two weeks left on the job.
Just give this one to me."
I retire in two weeks. I'm looking for a small win.
"just give me the small win, sir.
My dick don't work."
[ laughter ]
If I'm being honest,
I don't know, man, my dick don't work.
After a certain age, nobody's dick working.
[ laughter ]
I'm ready to protect lot less.
Murr, we're sending in a greased-up boy.
Catch him. [ laughter ]
It's your nemesis. He's back in the store. Get him.
What are you talking about?
Where is he?
[ laughing ] oh, there he is.
You gotta catch the greased-up boy.
[ laughter ]
Why are you so greasy?
[ laughter ]
Sal: Murr, we're sending in a greased-up boy.
Catch him. [ laughter ]
Q: It's your nemesis. He's back in the store.
Get him.
Gets to movin'.
Murr: Sir, you can't --
You can't walk around shirtless in the store,
Greased-up like a boy.
[ laughter ]
You can't be greased in here, sir.
You have to -- you have to leave.
Well, stop me!
Excuse me, sir. Can't be greased up in --
You can't -- sir.
Excuse me. I'm security here.
"guys, I may need backup."
Security. I need backup here.
Come on, help me out.
Why are you so greasy?
[ laughter ]
Galloping like a greased-up gazelle.
Does this guy live here?
Look at these two.
Ma'am, can you help me with this?
He's so grea--
He's impossible to grab onto.
[ laughs ] ah...
[ both humming "yakety sax" ]
[ laughter ]
Oh, my god.
♪♪
Can you believe this guy?
"yeah, well, I'm a greased-up boy."
I'm a greased-up boy.
All right, murr, go get him.
♪♪
[ laughter ]
♪♪
[ laughter ]
Murr: This is not funny, man!
[ laughter ]
"don't grease shame me!"
Don't grease shame me. It's 2022!
This is gonna air in 2023.
[ laughter ]
Sal: "I will never un-grease!"
I will never un-grease! Why?!
Because I'm a greased-up boy!
-But why?! -Because that's who I am!
[ laughter ]
Q: "I'm just a greased-up boy."
I'm just a greased-up boy.
"standing in front of a security guard."
Standing in front of a security guard.
"wanting him to love me."
Wanting him to love me.
When you say it like that...
♪♪
You son of a --
I can't catch him.
Come here. Son of a...
[ laughter ]
Narrator: Sal, q, and murr all secured a win,
But sal is still tonight's big loser.
-Hey! -Hey!
It's time for sal's punishment.
So helping us out today is comedian, actor,
Writer, and friend michael ian black.
-Okay, sal. -Yes.
Tonight, we're throwing a christmas-themed
Charity event for kids and their parents.
And we have hired you and some catering staff
To work as elves for the event. Okay.
Q: And before the event, michael's gonna throw
A little orientation to make sure
That you elves stay in character.
I'll teach you how to be an elf.
You'll be oriented. Okay.
Murr: [ laughing ] sal, look at you.
Hey, michael. Hey, everybody.
How's it going, bud?
Hey, everybody. I'm michael.
Thanks for being here.
All right, michael ian black has entered the fray.
Today you guys are gonna be the elves.
Staying in character is obviously important around the kids.
So that's why we have these elf costumes.
Murr: These are people hired to work as caterers tonight,
But they gotta go through the training first, right?
This is gonna be a great group, I can tell already.
So if everybody could just get on their feet.
Thanks so much.
It helps to have a character, to have your backstory,
Just because these kids,
They want to know what your elf name is.
They want to know where you're from.
"can we just skip this shit
And jump straight to handing out cocktail wieners?"
I mean, I wouldn't mind skipping the improv shit
And going straight to learning how to serve
The cocktail wieners or whatever the hell.
[ laughter ]
I'm -- I'm, uh, I'm peppermint snaps.
I-I'm the one who makes the ornaments.
Great. Thank you, peppermint snap.
[ laughter ]
He's [bleep] with sal.
Yeah. Really subtle, too.
All right, so why don't we get two people up
Just to role-play the kind of things
You can expect with the kids.
Sprinkle, you're asking snowflake
About life on the north pole.
Sal, interject at the top and say,
"okay, and we see they're both naked."
Hey, how are things at the north pole?
We notice both elves are naked.
Wait, what?
[ laughter ]
Like a technique to paint the scene.
"we see both elves are jewish."
[ laughter ]
Listen, we notice both elves are jewish.
Jewish? Is that what you said? Yes.
It's a -- we're not gonna bring religion into it.
Sal, isn't michael ian black jewish?
Aren't you jewish, though?
Yeah.
Accuse him of cultural appropriation.
I'm just saying, cultural appropriation a little bit.
Probably.
I'm just trying to help kids, so...
Yeah. Mazel. Mazel.
[ laughter ]
She's crying, literally.
Crying tears.
Do you role-play? You want to role-play more?
Okay. Do you want to give us a suggestion?
September 12th. [ laughs ]
Well, I'm a new yorker.
My example was September 12th, you know?
September 12th?
Murr: Look at their faces! Look at their faces.
Peppermint snap, why don't you come up,
And you can do the September 12th thing?
Come on up.
[ laughter ]
Is it the year 2001?
No, not necessarily.
Okay.
Start the scene by saying, "how about yesterday, huh?"
[ laughter ]
Yeah, and scene.
Hi. Hey.
How are things going?
All right, but... How about yesterday?
[ laughter ]
The world isn't always a good place,
But we keep the lists of naughty and nice.
I feel like you are setting this in 2001.
[ laughter ]
Why don't we just start the scene one more time?
Let's refresh. Okay. Okay.
And nothing to do with September 11th.
Yeah, of course. Of course.
Murr: "if we don't get into the holiday spirit..."
If we don't get into the holiday spirit...
"...The terrorists have won."
The terrorists have won.
Again, stop, stop. No, not from September 11th.
No, I understand.
I was thinking of a movie that I just watched.
And that was a mistake. It was a mistake.
Q: Sal, "I was talking about pearl harbor that time."
I was talking about -- did you ever see "pearl harbor"?
Again, like, I-I -- let's take a seat.
And that was great.
[ laughing ] "that's great."
Does anybody have any questions before we...
Yeah, sal, you've got a question. Raise your hand.
I don't want to be that guy.
Well, you kind of are.
"whose candy cane do you have to suck
To get the santa job next year?"
[ laughter ]
Murr: Yeah, sal, you've got a question. Raise your hand.
Sal: A question. I don't want to be that guy.
Well, you kind of are.
"whose candy cane do you have to suck
To get the santa job next year?"
[ laughter ]
Are you santa every year? Yes.
Ah, I'm just -- your job seems the most fun.
So I'm wondering... We do -- we have a great time.
...Whose candy cane do I have to suck
To get that job next year?
[ laughter ]
I guess it would be mine.
[ laughter ]
♪♪
[ sighs ]
Any more questions?
Q: All right, sal, we got a surprise for you
Coming in right now.
-Oh, hi. -Hi.
-Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. -Hi.
-Can I help you? -I'm so sorry.
I was hoping he can see santa a little early.
Murr: Sal, no.
Shut them down.
We're just getting ready for the party.
It'll be -- it'll be just a little while.
Break the kid's heart, sal. "get out!"
Get out!
[ laughter ]
Tell her to get out in your elf voice.
[ high-pitched voice ] get out!
Get out!
[ laughter ]
Peppermint snap, thank you.
[ laughter ]
Oh, my god!
[ chuckles softly ]
Look at this dead silence.
Oh, my god. It's so uncomfortable.
Holy [bleep] this room!
Sal, maybe just get up and leave.
Probably maybe I should go.
So maybe I'll just go.
Leave the ears.
[ laughter ]
Have him take everything off one by one.
And the smock.
The shorts.
The shorts are mine.
Those are elf shorts. Take them off.
Okay.
♪♪
The socks, too. No, no.
The socks. No.
I'm not doing that.
Murr: [ laughing ] this is so uncomfortable.
Look at sal's legs.
Q: Dude, you're going the wrong way.
[ laughter ]
Look at their reactions!
Well done. Ah!
Michael ian black. Oh!
Well done.