[ grunts ]
[ shouting ]
[ laughter ]
[ screams ]
Let's just get this started.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Who's a good cat?
[ laughter ]
[ cymbals crash ]
[ laughs ]
Narrator: With special guest...
The one and only jillian bell!
Sounds lame.
[ laughter ]
They'll still watch.
Today we're at jay suites
Working alongside temps in an office.
Unfortunately for them,
We're gonna have to be arrogant, insufferable jerks.
Then, after we've acted a fool,
We've also got to fire their ass.
The catch is we don't have the authority to fire them.
In fact, they're gonna be
Told that they have the authority to fire us.
At that point, we all have to grovel
For our jobs just to keep them.
At the end, our coworker will be asked
If they want to have us replaced.
If you get canned, you lose.
Sal: Murray is going to really be
An insufferable jerk to someone.
Q: And then we're gonna film a bit.
[ laughter ]
Guys, this is the part I was born to play.
So you can sit here.
Q: There he is. Murr, there's your boss.
Man: Don't worry about it. You may not finish. That's fine.
Okay? Alright, have fun, john.
I'll be right here.
Fresh meat, huh?
Huh?
I'm john, by the way.
You can call me mr. Murray.
You call me mr. Murray. It's fine.
Sounds good, mr. Murray.
Q: You look like a cat that just found a mouse.
[ laughs ]
Busy?
John: Yeah. It looks like, well -- yep.
He's activating his real-life inner sociopath.
♪♪
[ laughter ]
Where are you from, john?
I commuted from astoria.
Where are you coming from?
Oh, here and there.
[ laughter ]
What college did you go to?
I went to buffalo state.
Oh.
[ laughter ]
Georgetown.
Ivy league. Mm-hmm.
Oh! Oh, my god!
Murray.
Oh, man.
Murr: Mind if I see how you're doing?
Is that okay? -Sure.
You think that's the most efficient way to do this, john?
Q: Oh!
I mean, feel free to give me some advice
If you see a more efficient way.
Q and sal: Oh!
Sal: He's taking your energy
And he's giving it back to you a little bit.
Ooh.
Alright, murr, it's time to send him packing.
Maybe -- maybe this -- maybe this is
Not gonna work out today.
-Oh! -Oh!
Why don't we just say, you know, handshake?
Let's kind of wrap it up right now.
Sound good?
I don't understand, but okay.
Appreciate it, man. Thanks so much.
Oh, my god.
Q: Now comes the turn, though. Now comes the turn.
I'm confused. You said you don't want his help anymore?
It didn't sync up, no.
What didn't sync up?
[ laughter ]
Him working with -- for me didn't sync up, I thought.
So I let him go.
You're not in any position to let him go.
[ laughter ]
I'm not the lead of the project?
John's the lead.
You know, I got a couple of people
I might be able to do a little replacement.
John, you keep going. I'll be back.
Sal: [ laughs ] q: Oh! Oh, my god!
Oh, look!
Yes, john!
Look at the dynamics turning!
[ laughter ]
I feel like we might have gotten off on the wrong foot.
[ laughter ]
I had misinterpreted the situation, john.
Uh... John's giving him the cold mother[bleep] shoulder.
Yeah!
[ laughter ]
You better grovel, bitch.
I thought that he had put me in charge.
I didn't realize that I was not the lead of the project.
So you treat me like that?
Q: Oh!
You have to understand, john,
My wife is not in love with me anymore.
[ laughter ]
Oh, my god, he's trying anything.
I just need you to hear me.
I would never normally behave that way.
Okay, I understand. It's cool.
You're busy. I'll get you coffee?
My treat.
I'm gonna get the coffee for you.
My treat. I'll get the coffee.
Buffalo state's a great school.
I'll be right back.
[ laughter ]
Murr, whoa.
Let's see, let's see.
Is he gonna let me stay?
Do you think I should keep this guy on
For the rest of the day or you think I should replace him?
I hate being that guy. I mean, he's constantly,
Like, talking over me, like, talking down to --
I mean, 'cause he went to georgetown, like --
Honestly, I don't feel comfortable.
I mean, he just --
No! You were too good!
You went to the point of no return.
I'm proud of that loss.
[ buzzer ]
[ laughter ]
-Alright, boss, here we go. -Here we go.
Jeter for three.
[ laughter ]
What do they got you doing?
Oh, I guess just matching the names to these folders.
Murr: [ laughs ] uh-oh.
Sal seems upset.
What's your name? I'm sorry.
Tony. Tony? Okay.
Oh. I don't know.
With the shoes in his face.
Murr: So rude.
You know the only thing worse than that, buddy,
Is no shoes on.
Oh. [ groans ]
[ laughter ]
So rude.
Sal: My dogs are barking, bro.
[ laughter ]
Oh!
Yeah.
That's it, sal, that's it.
Sal: I'm just gonna try and get a quick five or ten.
Don't mind me, alright?
[ laughter ]
Q: Oh, you're starting to get him annoyed.
"tony, tony, tony, tony, tony."
Tony, tony, tony.
♪♪
[ as marlon brando ] poor little tony.
[ laughter ]
First rung on the corporate ladder today.
Came in with big dreams and high hopes that tony did.
[ laughter ]
I've had it up to my neck in tony's horseshit.
Q: Oh, my god.
He's just listening.
He hears everything you're saying.
He's sitting there working hard,
You and your [bleep] feet in his face.
I feel terrible.
Murr: You feel terrible, yeah.
Now's the hard part.
[ normal voice ] tony.
Q: Oh!
I got to talk to you about something.
It's not gonna work out today.
Not today, for me, for you, with the files.
"whatever fired people do."
[ laughter ]
Whatever it is that people do
When, you know, we've got to let them go, you know?
It's, uh...
Okay.
Murr: Oh, I didn't realize how tense this is.
I don't know if I can do this.
Tony's the lead here.
Yes.
Tony's the lead?
Oh.
[ laughter ]
It's tony who gets to decide whether you leave.
[ laughter ]
I was unaware until now.
Maybe I need to make a personnel change.
I'll make a few phone calls. I'll be back.
Murr: Start groveling.
Um...Tone, if I may.
[ laughter ]
Gotcha. I'm listening. Go ahead.
I'm sorry that we got off on the wrong foot.
You know, we -- we're all scraping to get by, you know?
And I got kids.
I got seven kids, tony.
Oh, this is pathetic, man.
You know what? What can I get you?
Maybe a drink. A drink?
Q and murr: Oh! Thank you.
[ laughs ]
Thank you, buddy.
Murr: Alright, sal.
Oh, man. Come on, guys.
I think he's too nice to frickin' fire me.
Here we go, here we go.
Should I release him?
Tony, no. Should I keep him?
Please, tony, please.
Oh! Tony!
Little tony. Tony!
[ ding! ]
-Oh, boy. -You don't look good.
[ laughter ]
I am so uncomfortable with what I --
What I have to do.
It's not in me.
Sal: Okay. Here he goes.
He's building up the gumption.
I don't have the gumption. I don't have it.
I'm sweating.
Murr: [ laughs ]
She has no idea about the impending doom.
Excuse me. What is -- what is your name?
Karen. Uh-huh. Karen?
Do you like apples?
Um, yeah.
You're fired. How do you like them apples?
[ laughs ]
[ laughter ]
You're done. You're done. You're fired.
What do you mean?
I'm the boss. I'm in charge.
You got to go.
Okay.
Murr: Oh, my god.
That's the most unconvincing thing.
"good will hunting"?
[bleep] that's what you did,
A matt damon reference from two decades ago?
All you did was you said, "what is your name?
You're fired."
He built no goodwill first.
What's going on?
Sal: Oh, yeah! Okay.
Man: What's going on?
I ended up firing karen.
Karen, you can sit down. Go ahead, you can sit down.
It's okay. Don't worry about it.
[ laughter ]
As far as I'm concerned, karen's my lead.
Not you. Mm-hmm.
If anything, karen would be firing you today.
So she could fire me?
Other than quoting "good will hunting,"
What have you been accomplishing today?
Just robin williams and matt damon.
Mm-hmm. And he's a smart custodian.
[ laughter ]
I'm gonna make a few phone calls.
I'll be back. Murr: Alright, q.
Here comes the groveling.
So...
Did you ever see "good will hunting"?
Sal and murr: Oh!
You better apologize, buddy.
You need to do better than that.
Sal: Oh, my god.
I mean, if I had known you could fire me, clearly,
I wouldn't have acted in such a boorish manner.
Sal: Just go, just go. Just go.
[ laughter ]
I'm gonna go get you an apple.
You guys want an apple? I'm gonna go get us some apples.
Anybody in the mood for an apple?
Oh, my god.
She didn't acknowledge your existence after that.
Oh, my god. That was the worst.
Wicked suave maneuver, bro.
[ laughter ]
Listen, I can swap him out.
Dude, you're done. You're done.
We don't know that yet.
I just need to know from you whether you think
I should keep him or release him.
Honestly, I would not.
I kind of would feel comfortable
If I didn't have to work around him.
[ cheering ]
Bam! How about them apples?
[ buzzer ]
Narrator: Murr and q couldn't work well with others,
So they're first up on the loser board.
[ knock on door ]
-Hey, jillian. -Hey, guys.
So excited. Just wanted to let you know
We're running about a minute behind.
Sorry. Did you say a minute?
That's like 60 seconds.
Yeah, yeah, just 60.
Okay.
[ screams ]
Generic water!
Ahhh!
No, put it down. You're being too irrational.
Ahhh!
Ahh!
60 seconds!
[ panting ]
Okay. Yeah, I can --
Now it's gonna be about 2 minutes.
Ahhh!
Okay, this is an ill-conceived bit right now
Called "boot and rally."
Q, tell them what you came up with.
This is not ill-conceived at all.
We're gonna be sitting in a waiting room with strangers.
We're gonna receive a piece of information
That's relatively minor.
A minor inconvenience.
We're gonna get so upset
That we're gonna throw up all over ourselves.
-Boot. -That's the boot.
And then we got to rally everybody else
In the room to walk out with you.
Because it's -- you shouldn't put up with this...
No. ...Minor inconvenience.
Yeah. No one's gonna leave the room.
The bit is ill -- it's ill-fated.
It's gonna work.
♪♪
Sal: This ain't gonna work.
What odds do you give any of us?
Zero percent.
You think we're not gonna get anybody?
You got to trust me on this.
We're all gonna lose.
Go ahead, murr, lock and load.
Put the stuff in your mouth.
Let's do it.
Boot and rally, baby.
Murray's loaded up on the boot.
Alright.
Get up, walk out of the room.
Give it like 10 seconds.
Walk back in the room and just be like,
"I'm sorry, guys. We're out of creamer for the coffee."
Alright, here we go.
Look at murray. [ laughs ]
Just an announcement, everybody.
I'm sorry, there's no more creamer left for the coffee.
I don't know if anybody was looking to have any.
What?!
[ laughter ]
Look at -- [ laughs ]
Why not? Why not?
That's what he comes up with, "why not?"
Did they run out?
That's not acceptable. They ran out.
We had a lot of people here today.
I'm not alone here. You guys are with me, right?
You're with me?
[ laughter ]
You understand why I threw up, right?
I'm not really -- no.
I say we leave right now.
Let's go. Let's go. Come on, let's go.
Are you with me? Let's go.
No!
[ laughter ]
Who's with me? Come on.
Q: Oh, here he goes.
Ma'am, you're my rock.
No. I'm not your rock.
[ laughter ]
Come on, people.
Get out. You lost.
I'm sorry I ralphed.
[ buzzer ]
Murr: Q, this is your idea.
I already failed horribly.
Sal: Again, it will not work.
When this was pitched, I said this is a waste of our time.
[ laughter ]
And so here we are today, full crew.
Today cost us $250,000 to produce.
[ fake vomits ]
[ laughter ]
Q, load up on the throw-up.
That's a cup of clam chowder q is downing.
Okay, john, the wi-fi is out.
The wi-fi is out.
-Oh, really? -Yeah. Sorry.
Hmm? Wi-fi's down.
[ laughter ]
[ vomiting ]
Murr: He put his mask on.
[ vomiting ]
That really turns my stomach, man.
We're gonna let this big-headed...
[ laughter ]
...Emilio estevez-looking mother[bleep]
Take away our wi-fi?
Look at the stupid look on his face.
Come on, guys. We don't have to stand for this.
Let's go.
Guys?
[ laughter ]
Just stand there and wallow in this [bleep] bit
That you chose.
[ laughter ]
[ vomits ]
It doesn't make you guys sick that there's no wi-fi here?
Guys?
It doesn't turn your stomach?
[ vomiting ]
Oh! That looks gross, dude.
You've got throw-up on your beard, your face.
Come on, guys, let's get out of here.
Well, the wi-fi is on.
[ laughs ] she's on the wi-fi.
Yeah, it's finicky. It might just be my phone.
Finicky wi-fi?
Come on, guys. Sal can't be right.
We got to go.
[ laughs ]
[ buzzer ]
Go ahead, sally boy. Fill your mouth with that soup.
[ both laugh ]
Load up.
[ both laughing ]
Murr: Load it up. Okay, szeluga.
Okay. Szeluga, uh-oh.
Hate to inform you guys, but the vending machine is out of order.
The vending machine is out of order.
I'm sorry. I don't know if anybody needs anything. Oh, no.
But it's not working.
[ q and murr groaning, laughing ]
He threw up on --
Sal: The vending machine's out of order.
Does that upset anybody the way that it upsets me?
[ laughter ]
Doesn't that get you so upset
That the vending machine is out of order
That you want to leave the room?
No, because probably it's not -- it's just a minor inconvenience
'cause the bit don't work.
The bit works!
I don't even know if --
Murr: [ laughing ] wait, sal. He left!
You just left?
So he just threw up on szeluga and left.
Are you okay?
This bit doesn't work.
[ laughter ]
The bit works!
The bit don't work.
[ laughter ]
♪♪
[ buzzer ]
Narrator: Sal blatantly ignored the rules of the game,
Making him tonight's big loser.
Oh, my god. We have jillian.
I am so excited to say this.
Sal, you're a loser. Thank you.
[ laughter ]
You lost, sal, so today for your punishment,
You just have to be my husband.
It's punishment enough.
No, I actually like that. That's easy.
What's the hard part? Murr: Here's the harder part.
Now, you and jillian are a happily married couple
Appearing on a panel discussion together.
Okay. What is the panel?
It's understanding and living with biological abnormalities.
Okay. So she doesn't have the abnormality?
Together: No.
Here we go.
So sal and jillian are on a panel
With two other lovely couples
Who are crew members and writers on the tv show.
Woman: Good afternoon.
Thank you for coming to this panel discussion.
Let's meet the couples and let's have the spouses
Of the afflicted introduce their partner's condition.
Hi. I'm dan.
My husband, dan, he suffers from the inability to smell.
Thank you for that.
Johnna. This is my husband, joe.
And joe has vitiligo, which -- the white eyebrow.
Okay. Next up, we have jill.
Q: Here we go. Here we go.
Murr: Sal, you've got to agree with everything jillian says.
Hi, I'm jill, and this is my husband, sal.
He has abnormally small testicles.
[ q and murr laughing ]
There you go, sal. That's your condition, buddy.
[ laughter ]
Okay. Very fascinating.
Is this a progressive disorder that you've got?
It is, yeah.
As I have aged, I have had loss.
Like benjamin button balls.
[ q and murr laughing ]
We will -- we'll move on to dan and danny.
How has this affected your relationship?
In retrospect, I'm starting to feel like
Maybe this isn't such a big deal after all.
[ q and murr laughing ]
Yeah, I mean, I would trade. Yeah.
So would I.
[ q and murr laughing ]
Sal and jillian, have you dealt with disappointments
In your relationship?
I think sometimes we role-play or something like that,
When we're doing something like that... Right.
...It gets to a place that's uncomfortable for me.
And then, like, we --
Well, we were playing robots. Yeah.
And then I was like, "testicles not detected."
[ q and murr laughing ]
Why -- why would you -- why would you --
Because I -- we had played robots --
We had played robots 10 times before that.
You said, "big jugs not detected."
And so I said what I said.
And when I came up to meet eyes with you,
I thought you would be laughing.
Murr: Good luck, sal.
And I just thought we were in a playful, fun, sexual space.
I'm just a robot trying to find a nut.
I get it.
[ q and murr laughing ]
If we're being totally honest, being like --
Some women care about big arms or ch--
Like, I actually do like a...
A substantial sack. Right.
[ q and murr laughing ]
I don't know if we should be talking about this.
Can we talk about his [bleep] eyebrow or something?
[ laughter ]
Sexually, I like something to grab on to,
But you can move on to him.
We're gonna switch things up a bit.
We've invited a doctor to analyze and confirm
Each of our guests' conditions.
[ q and murr laughing ]
I would like to introduce everyone to dr. Frank.
Q: There's dr. Frank, baby!
There's dr. Frank.
I would like to introduce everyone to dr. Frank.
[ applause ]
Q: There's dr. Frank, baby.
It's our dear friend dr. Frank.
You know him from being inside me.
Alright, so, sal, if we just have you stand right here.
I don't know if I feel actually comfortable.
I understand why you're doing this.
Because they've never heard of it.
No, we all would love to hear
Dr. Frank's expert medical opinions.
Yeah.
Dr. Frank: So you're just gonna loosen your belt.
And just open things up a little bit. That's it.
So as we start to check here...
[ chuckles ] [ q and murr laughing ]
Murr: Jillian's breaking.
Sal, look him in the eyes.
Look him right in the eyes, sal.
Look him right in the eyes. Gonna check the left.
[ q and murr laughing ]
In my medical opinion,
Those are the smallest balls that I've ever seen.
[ q and murr laughing ]
[ applause ]
I've been dr. Frank.
[ q and murr laughing ]
Your balls are in here, you know?
And in here.
[ laughter ]
Do you believe or feel that there is
Any silver lining to your situation?
He could be kicked in the balls and never even feel it.
[ q and murr laughing ]
Murr: Sal gets it.
It might make sense why we had you put that padding
In your pants now.
[ laughing ]
I'd like to see that, actually.
[ q and murr laughing ]
I'd like to see it, too.
Thank you. Honey, come on.
Q: Do it.
Come on. What am I supposed to do?
-Come on. Let's -- -we can encourage him.
Come on, let's show them. Let's show them.
-Okay. -Alright, sal.
-Here we go. -Here you go.
I mean... Ugh.
-Oh, this is so exciting. -Here we go.
Q: Jillian, go for it.
[ grunts ]
Ohh.
[ q and murr laughing ]
-Did we get a little penis? -It caught penis.
It caught penis.
[ q and murr laughing ]
We got him. We got him.
Woman: You're very brave for being here, sal.
Like, metaphorically, you have enormous balls.
[ q and murr laughing ]
Q: Oh, sally boy, you're done.
Murr: Jillian, you're the best. Thank you.
You are awesome, jillian. Thanks.