So if I refuse, I lose?
Absolutely. Yeah, you got it. You've seen the show.
Okay. Alright, alright. I get it.
Oh, my god. Is that dan cast?
Yeah, that's dan cast. Oh, my god, I love him.
He's been on the show like six times.
Oh, my god. He's so good.
Brooke, are you wearing a dan cast t-shirt?
Yes! I love him.
You want to meet him?
Yeah. Oh, no, no, no.
That's alright. Yes.
Yeah? [ chuckles ]
Hey, dan, I want to introduce you
To our guest, brooke shields.
Hi. Hi. Hi, brooke. It's dan.
I mean -- [ laughs ]
[ mumbles ]
I'm brooke, obviously.
[ laughs nervously ]
It's great. Alright, guys. So lunch is in 30 minutes.
Oh, my god. I was here.
I was here when he told us when lunch was.
Do you think he saw the shirt?
[ laughter ]
[ screams ]
♪♪
Let's just get this started.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
Who's a good cat?
[ laughter ]
[ cymbals crash ]
♪♪
[ laughs ] [ laughter ]
Narrator: With special guest, brooke shields.
It's a match made in heaven.
[ laughter ]
Today, we're fashion designers teaming up to get feedback
From a group of parents for our new kids' clothing line.
The catch is each team's bizarre designs
Have been created by the other team.
So we won't know what fashions we're pitching
Until the moment the kids walk down that runway.
At the end, we'll ask the room if our clothing line
Is ready to hit stores.
Whoever gets the fewest hands raised loses.
[ all snap fingers ]
Murr: Alright, boys, you are fashion designers.
Looking at brian and sal,
How would you describe their fashion sense?
I would say you get a really good star for trying.
[ laughter ]
Shields? Yeah.
You're in my world now.
Alright, okay. No, no, no, q.
You work in fashion -- you're in brooke's world now.
Yeah. This is my world, actually.
This ain't studio 54, sweetheart.
[ laughter ]
You should have seen some of the outfits
I wore in studio 54.
Sal: Please have a seat. Please, come on in.
We are designers, and we're bringing out
A line of children's clothes.
You guys ready? -Yeah.
-Go for it. -Fashion. Here we go. Alright.
Brooke and I have designed your fashion line.
You have no idea what it is.
Good luck explaining and selling this.
See our first model.
This is what we call rover.
[ laughter ]
Okay. This look is fierce and animalistic, literally,
As each garment is custom made
Using the fur, scale, or feather of a deceased pet.
Oh, jesus.
[ laughs ]
Just because a pet has died
Doesn't mean you can't take them with you.
But that's creepy. That's creepy.
This is creepy.
Murr: [ laughs ]
Taxidermy meets fashion.
This is taxidermy meets fashion.
A 40- to 50-pound dog will yield at least a medium to large hide.
It's fluffy's fur.
Rather than putting the pet in the ground,
She's putting them near her heart, near herself.
Not a chance in hell.
You might find one person out of 10 million
That might even be receptive to this idea.
You're not a pet person?
Oh, I am. That's exactly why.
I am a pet person, and as someone who just
Recently lost her pet...
You wouldn't wear it?
Absolutely not.
I would have a picture.
[ laughs ]
We're trying to reinvent something that has been around.
Don't do it. Don't.
I would not put that on my child.
Stick to the day job? This is our day job, nigel.
This is a bad way to start, boys.
Alright, let's -- let's bring on our next model.
This one is called the sassy priest.
Okay.
Black is always in style.
And with this classic silhouette,
We've just invented catholic couture.
This look is no longer just for sundays.
This is an everyday ensemble.
Work it, girl.
Murr: This is not good fashion, boys.
I love the belt. Brooke: Ooh, alright.
Isn't it great? This is very fashionable.
Where?
[ laughter ]
We're trying to encourage
To be yourself and represent yourself
And express yourself. No, no, no, no, no.
[ both laugh ]
You're trying to sell a garment to a parent.
You don't even know the child you're selling it to.
He's mad.
Q: Okay.
Murr: [ laughing ] oh!
Nigel's got you.
Children don't get introduced to religion
Wearing a dress like that.
Alright. So what we're hearing is another like, not love.
You guys are done.
How about we do our last one?
Q: Our final piece. Alright.
This is little piggy.
There we go.
These hoodies will not only have
Your little hype beast looking good,
But they also help fight childhood obesity
Through the development of healthy eating habits.
Murr: Sal, why are you hiding? Brooke: He's hiding his face.
Q: Each piggy hoodie contains a sensor
That would play a warning to shame the child publicly
Every time they try to eat between meals,
Making sure this little piggy has none.
[ pig oinking ]
This is horrifying.
No!
No, we don't want them to be ashamed.
No.
This guy's now mad and offended.
It's more of an alert.
-Oh, god. -We want it to be loud enough
So we'll know, "hey, are you in the kitchen?
Are you getting anything you're not supposed to get?"
Can we just keep oinking?
It is. It's -- it's cute, but --
[ pig oinking ]
I mean, you have to --
[ pig oinking ]
[ laughs ]
Man: I'd rather see this for adults.
I think it would be entertaining for adults.
Like a white elephant gift.
They're trying to talk over the oinking.
I'm sorry, could you repeat that?
I couldn't hear you over the boar screaming.
[ laughter ]
You are finished. [ laughs ]
By show of hands, how many of you think the clothing line
We just showed you is ready to pitch to nationwide chains?
By -- by show of hands.
And zero votes.
Well done. Whoo!
Each hand represents a vote.
I've got two hands, and they're staying firmly in my pocket.
[ laughter ]
You never had a shot.
Sal: Look at this.
Guys, we have such a huge advantage over you.
Brooke shields is doing a fashion show challenge.
They might just get on the wagon
Because she puts such a stamp of credibility on it.
You got to get this out of your head.
Okay, you're right. You're letting shields get in your head.
I'm insidious.
Yeah, she is.
[ laughter ]
Hi, guys. How are you? My name is james.
And of course, you recognize brooke shields.
Wow, yes.
Brooke has a brand-new fashion line coming out next year.
It's a children's fashion line, specifically.
With someone like brooke shields,
You know it's going to be great.
Oh, I don't know about that.
[ both laugh ]
We've designed their entire fashion lines.
So this is the anti-bullying shirt.
Q: Here we go.
Small for his age miles used to be an easy target for bullies,
But not anymore.
If miles senses danger,
He needs only tug on the all-cotton ripcord like this.
[ laughter ]
Oh, wow.
And he becomes too big to stuff inside a locker.
Added benefit, he floats.
Q: Why does this kid look so distraught?
[ laughs ]
Sal: He looks like a baby nutty professor.
He's just like...
I mean, it's definitely giving him confidence.
I mean, he's ready.
Sal: [ speaking indistinctly ]
Murray, what's going on?
[ laughter ]
He's batting around.
[ laughter ]
It's his first fashion show.
You can go back here. -Definitely does its job.
Q: Start getting annoyed at the model
For not being vibrant enough.
Can you just show a little more happiness?
Yeah. Little smile.
Have a good time.
Can you just dab?
There we go.
[ laughter ]
Do you like it? I like it.
Sal: I mean, what are you talking about?
It's a life vest underneath a button-down.
Next, this is the j.R. Luggage.
Q: Here it comes.
Murr: There we go.
Okay.
Put your seats in the upright position
Because giovanna is coming in for a landing,
Being wheeled around in this sleek, modern, wearable luggage.
[ laughter ]
Put her under the seat, buckle her in.
Or just put her underneath, and then this way she can sleep.
It's like having a reclining seat.
That doesn't fit underneath.
Is it comfortable in there?
Murr, "louder."
Louder.
Good.
[ laughter ]
Can you give us a dab?
[ laughter ]
She's like -- like --
[ laughing ]
You like it, right?
Yeah.
Okay, great.
Q: It's luggage with a hole in it.
I think they're just being nice to brooke.
I'm telling you, we still got this.
The last one's hard.
Okay, this next one is kids anon.
[ laughter ]
Sal: Oh, my god.
Q: You thought you had it.
Brooke: Okay, this next one is kids anon.
♪♪
[ laughter ]
Summer is around the corner,
And intense patriotism is in this season.
Say goodbye to that stuffy, elitist, preppy look
And hello to populist whimsy.
Populist whimsy. Populist whimsy.
This is -- this is part of the product line.
We think kids will love being a little version
Of the qanon shaman.
I don't agree with his politics.
Yeah, I don't either. But I agree with the fashion.
[ laughter ]
Q: Dab.
Dab. Dab. Dab.
No, no, no, no, no! Do a dab!
Goddamn these kids.
[ laughter ]
What does it take to get a dab?
See, look at that. And look.
All of us, ready, dab.
They're all dabbing. They're all dabbing.
So how many of you by show of hands think
That brooke's fashion line is ready to go to market?
Oh, no one?
Q: What'd I tell you? What'd I tell you?
Oh, my god! Yes!
Was it the kid in the luggage?
That was it. It was the kid in the luggage.
[ laughter ]
Narrator: Murr, q, and sal couldn't make it
Down this catwalk,
Putting them all on the loser board.
All: Alright!
Alright. So we have a three-way tie.
So we designed the ultimate dating game
Hosted by the lovely brooke shields.
Now, normally, we'd be trying our best to win
Over the bachelorette, but in this dating game,
We'll be trying to be the worst bachelors of all time.
Yep, because if you get chosen,
You are the one getting punished.
At the end,
You're gonna have to reject the bachelorette.
And when you reject the bachelorette,
I'll have something to say about it.
[ laughter ]
Sal: Alright. Here we go.
So the deal here is we're intentionally saying
The absolute worst answers
Because we do not want to get picked. Right?
Whoever gives the least offensive answer
Is the one that's going to lose.
I am not getting picked.
By the way, we have all the writers back here
And just eating cake, full cake.
We like to watch when they're not here.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "brooke of love."
[ cheers and applause ]
Did you guys know that he still fits in the outfit
He used to wear in the '70s when he swiped children?
[ laughs ]
Announcer: Please welcome our three bachelors
And our host, brooke shields!
[ cheers and applause ]
Welcome to "brooke of love."
And in a moment, one lovely bachelorette will interview
Three eligible bachelors.
Our bachelorette will have to decide
Which lucky bachelor gets to accompany her on a date.
Please give it up for ashley lisa.
[ cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
Thank you so much for being here.
So why don't you just tell us a little bit about yourself?
So I'm an accountant and I'm very into fitness.
And this past year,
I trained for modeling for this competition.
Absolutely amazing. Murr, she's a model.
And it was a journey.
I think you should win first place every single time.
Oh, you're so sweet.
Now it is the time for you to meet our mystery men.
Take it away.
Bachelor number one, describe our first kiss.
Murr: Uh...
Pass.
Okay. Okay.
Did he say "pass"?
Son of a bitch.
Okay. Why don't we continue with the questions?
Okay. Absolutely.
Bachelor number three, describe our first kiss.
Q: The first kiss is yours.
Daddy's gonna take care of everything
When it comes to that kiss.
Okay.
Do you have any thoughts?
Just that it's magical, I hope.
You're done.
Brooke: Continue. Bachelor number two, same question.
Sure. First, I would caress your insane bod.
A little about me, I'm a dude-bro,
And I just work on my fitness as well,
So I guess, yeah, I'd start by caressing your insane bod
And then eventually ask for permission to kiss you.
[ laughter ]
Dude-bro turns valley girl is the best turn in history.
That's polite. That's a gentleman. That's nice.
I wanted to be creepy.
Sweet. It is sweet.
Okay. Bachelor number one, I just had a bad day.
How do you help me de-stress?
Uh...
I would tickle you endlessly.
And then we would go donate blood.
[ laughter ]
You're answering like you're a psychopath.
I am. Look at me.
I do like to laugh. Yeah.
And I mean, you know, and then you're doing a good thing
For people in need.
Damn it, brooke.
Bachelor number two,
If you were to write me a poem, what would you say?
Sal: If you don't mind, I'd like to do my poem
In the way of a freestyle.
That's exciting. Yes.
[ rapping ] ♪ yo, step to me and I'll kill your whole family ♪
♪ I'm a don in the streets, the cops can't handle me ♪
♪ if you pick me, I'll say the rosary ♪
♪ and thank the lord ♪
♪ punk bitches who stepped off ♪
♪ gon' get sent to the morgue ♪
I grew up with gangster rap.
Okay, so which lines resonated the most with you?
What was the first line? He'd come close to me.
Step to me, I'll kill your whole family.
Just step to me. Just step to me.
[ laughter ]
I'll write about everything.
Things that I don't even have experience with.
Like, I'll just write about glocks and drugs
And grand theft autos.
Let's get back into the questions.
Bachelor number three, do you plan on having kids?
Q: Well, according to the courts of florida,
I already have three running around down there.
But I'm looking forward to having a child
That I have a relationship with, so, yeah.
Love it.
Okay.
Well, that -- that's -- he's virile.
Game's getting tense.
Bachelor number one, do you plan on having kids?
Do I plan on having kids do what?
Like, do you want kids?
Oh, do I want to have kids?
Yes. Oh, now I understand the question.
No.
[ laughs ] okay.
Wow. Do you want to have children?
I do. I do. I do want a family.
I do want to get married and have a family and...
I'm losing, m-- [ bell rings ]
Oh, wait, that sound means that it's the end of round one.
Our contestant will select one bachelor to eliminate.
Who's -- who's it gonna be?
Oh, it's got to be you. You're a [bleep]
You sound like a murderer.
Um...
I'm going to eliminate...
♪♪
Brooke: Ooh, ouch.
Our contestant will select one bachelor to eliminate.
Ashley lisa, who's it gonna be and why?
Um...
I'm going to eliminate...
♪♪
Bachelor number one.
And it's because you don't want to have kids
And I don't think I'm your type.
[ ding! ] ouch.
Wow.
[ applause ]
♪♪
That's what I'm talking about.
It is time for round two,
And there are only two bachelors left.
The bachelorette is gorgeous, by the way, guys.
Remember, whoever gets chosen
Has to tell this girl she's not worthy of him.
Bachelor number three,
Name the number-one item on your bucket list.
Q: I'd like to avenge the death of my uncle who was put down
By the godforsaken state of indiana.
Murr: Ooh, what?
-Oh, wow. -Capital punishment?
Murr: You weirdo.
How would you go about avenging that?
[ deep voice ] like batman.
[ laughter ]
You know, like -- like batman.
Okay.
Bachelor number two, same question.
Sal: I'd really like to grow my own veal.
Murr: Wait, what?
Grow your own veal?
[ laughs ]
Okay. Sal: I love veal,
And so I want unlimited veal.
And so I was like, "you know what?
Maybe one day I'll grow veal."
I don't eat veal.
Murr: [ laughs ] yeah. Uh-oh.
Good job, sal.
Bachelor number three,
What will our first fight be about?
Q: It's probably gonna be about what you're wearing.
[ laughter ]
Okay. Is there certain things you do or do not like?
Q: Uh...
I know what I don't like when I see it, you know?
-Okay. -Oh!
Murr: Brutal.
Oh, I'm getting nervous for the guy who wins
That has to reject her.
Ashley lisa: So both bachelors, bachelor number three first,
How large and in charge are you?
Q: Well, I'm not as large as I used to be.
Murr: [ laughs ]
And I've never really been in charge of anything,
So I guess that's my answer, yeah.
[ laughs ] oh.
Okay. Bachelor number two.
Sal: I've been told I'm way too large.
Murr: [ laughs ]
Sal: And as far as in charge, call me charles.
[ laughter ]
Murr: Oh, it's neck and neck, boys.
Look at the hatred between their eyes.
[ bell rings ]
Oh, we have to eliminate another bachelor.
Oh, boys, this is it.
I'm on the fence.
I don't want to do it.
Brooke: Ashley lisa,
Which one of these two men are you bidding adieu?
Um... Murr: Ready? Whoever wins
Has to reject her on television.
Bachelor number three.
Murr: Ohh!
Oh!
Sal!
Now it's time for the real punishment.
Sal's got to reject this poor woman on tv.
Hey, I'm [bleep] nervous.
Q: Oh, my god, sal.
Dude, I'm so happy that's you down there and not me.
I genuinely thought -- I genuinely thought
You were gonna get picked.
You don't know how hard this is gonna be.
Now I have to use this voice out there.
[ laughter ]
You committed to this character,
You got to stick with it.
I-I -- ugh.
[ applause ] alright.
Here we go!
[bleep]
It's finally time to meet the man
You'll be going on a date with tonight.
Please reveal our winning bachelor.
She's not your type, bud.
Here we go. [ laughs ]
Here we go.
[ cheers and applause ]
Oh, pleasant-looking man.
[ applause ]
Okay. We have to take a very short break,
But when we come back, we'll see if we have a match.
Murr: Oh, no.
Alright, sal. Here we go.
Uh-oh, sal, you're repulsed by her.
[ applause ]
Brooke: Yeah, alright. Thank you.
Murr: Okay, sal, time to start the rejection.
[ exhales sharply ]
How you doing? Hi. How are you?
Hi. Good.
Thanks for picking me.
Oh, no.
[ clears throat ] man: Alright, and let's --
But before we start --
Before we start, can I ask a couple of questions?
Q: Oh, my god.
I'm just a little nervous.
Um...
I -- if I don't -- if I don't --
If I don't want to do it...
Can I not do it?
What?
[ groans ]
If I, like -- if -- right, like, uh...
[ sighs ] uh...
Murr: "you're not my type."
She's not my type, exactly.
[ laughter ]
Q: Oh! This is gonna be hard.
Q: Alright, sal. Murr: Here it goes.
She's not your type, bud.
Before we start -- before we start,
If I don't -- if I don't want to do it...
Can I not do it?
-What? -Oh!
She's not my type, exactly.
Are you kidding me?
No, no, no. I'm just trying to be honest,
Because it's -- I just want to know if, like...
Did they not -- ...If they could sub --
Like, I can give her to the bachelor one or three.
Oh.
I'm sorry. Did you just say
That you could give her, like -- like trade-in?
No, no. You know what I mean. I won her.
I mean, I won the contest.
Q: Sal.
Oh, my god.
I don't mean it in any way.
I know she's -- she's very beautiful.
I don't mean it like that. I just --
I just have a very specific type and she ain't it, you know?
[ laughter ]
Oh.
I'm just saying, if I won her, I should --
I -- stop talking.
[ laughter ]
[ exhales sharply ]
Man: Here we go. 3, 2, 1.
[ sighs ]
[ applause ]
Well, welcome back.
And it is time to check in with our bachelor and bachelorette
And see if it's a match made in heaven.
Q: Oh, go ahead, sal. It's not --
It's not a match in heaven at all.
I know we're on air, but it's not a match.
I just don't want -- can we just yell cut?
Because I -- I don't want to go through with it
Because I'm not -- it's "brooke of love."
I'm not gonna love her. She's not my type, you know?
Q: Alright, brooke, time to unleash!
Have you looked at yourself lately?
Oh!
I-I-I -- I'm just saying --
What's up with the with the wolfman jack hairdo?
[ laughter ]
Q: We didn't tell brooke to say that!
[ laughs ]
I don't get it. Yeah, I-I --
I just -- I don't know what you're trying to do.
I have a very specific type.
Oh, that -- well, you look like you can be really picky.
[ laughter ]
I'm gonna make it about me right now, okay?
I am brooke shields,
And I'm gonna tell you to go [bleep] yourself.
[ cheers and applause, jokers laughing ]
Can we finish the -- no, I don't want to hear another [bleep] word
Out of your mouth, and I'm not --
I am not kidding. Get off the heart.
[ laughter ]
How do you -- don't --
I -- I just want to go back.
I'll go back.
Do -- hey, dickless.
Find another exit and find it fast.
But it's "brooke of love." it's not now.
[ laughter ]
Don't break my set, [bleep] face.
Get the [bleep] out of here.
[ laughter ]
We still see you, [bleep]
[ cheers and applause ]
Q: Holy crap. That was amazing.