1 00:00:01,392 --> 00:00:01,610 . 2 00:00:01,653 --> 00:00:03,568 [bright tones] 3 00:00:04,526 --> 00:00:05,527 [bell ringing] 4 00:00:05,570 --> 00:00:07,398 [overlapping chatter] 5 00:00:07,442 --> 00:00:10,053 - I cannot afford to lose momentum on my book, 6 00:00:10,097 --> 00:00:12,838 and this hunk of junk last night started doing that-- 7 00:00:12,882 --> 00:00:14,405 that spinning rainbow wheel thing? 8 00:00:14,449 --> 00:00:16,668 And then I--I tried to fix it by mashing all the keys, 9 00:00:16,712 --> 00:00:19,845 and it started bonking at me like, "Bonk, bonk, bonk." 10 00:00:19,889 --> 00:00:21,108 And then it sounded like 11 00:00:21,151 --> 00:00:22,370 my hair dryer was in there, or something? 12 00:00:22,413 --> 00:00:24,763 - You have a hair dryer? - Okay, here we go. 13 00:00:24,807 --> 00:00:25,851 Yeah, yeah. [stammers] 14 00:00:25,895 --> 00:00:26,983 Yeah, you have time to dry your hair 15 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,550 but not put on real pants, right? 16 00:00:28,593 --> 00:00:30,030 And do you use the hair dryer to heat up your TV dinners 17 00:00:30,073 --> 00:00:31,205 and so on, and so forth? 18 00:00:31,248 --> 00:00:32,858 Get it out now, ladies. Very funny stuff. 19 00:00:32,902 --> 00:00:34,034 [women laughing] 20 00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:35,513 - We got you. - Yeah, yeah, you got me. 21 00:00:35,557 --> 00:00:37,472 All right, so is there, like, a computer lab? 22 00:00:37,515 --> 00:00:38,864 I--I gotta get my work done, here. 23 00:00:38,908 --> 00:00:40,518 - Yes, but you'd never catch me 24 00:00:40,562 --> 00:00:41,867 touching the keyboards in the lab. 25 00:00:41,911 --> 00:00:43,956 I mean, kids put their fingers everywhere. 26 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:46,176 - [laughs] They touch turtles. 27 00:00:46,220 --> 00:00:48,222 - All right, yeah, but I don't have a choice, okay? 28 00:00:48,265 --> 00:00:49,962 'Cause the only computer I can afford right now 29 00:00:50,006 --> 00:00:52,182 is, like, a used OLPC XO, 30 00:00:52,226 --> 00:00:54,532 which is a remedial device used by children 31 00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:55,446 in third-world countries. 32 00:00:55,490 --> 00:00:57,318 - Good morning, Whitlockians. 33 00:00:57,361 --> 00:00:59,363 Did you guys get the memo? [clears throat] 34 00:00:59,407 --> 00:01:02,105 "This year's 'Whitlock's Got Talent' 35 00:01:02,149 --> 00:01:04,673 is going to be the best ever!" 36 00:01:04,716 --> 00:01:06,196 - Yes, we hear you! - Well, let me see that. 37 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:08,068 - [stammers] - What? 38 00:01:08,111 --> 00:01:09,417 This is a doctor's letter 39 00:01:09,460 --> 00:01:10,896 saying that you can use the bathroom on planes 40 00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:12,681 even when the seatbelt sign is on. 41 00:01:12,724 --> 00:01:14,335 - Oh, Durbs. 42 00:01:14,378 --> 00:01:17,164 Why would you use this paper as your fake memo? 43 00:01:17,207 --> 00:01:18,382 - I don't know, all right? 44 00:01:18,426 --> 00:01:20,471 But I desperately need that back. 45 00:01:20,515 --> 00:01:22,386 - Mm-hmm. 46 00:01:22,430 --> 00:01:25,041 - The one thing I would like you all to take 47 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,347 from this interaction 48 00:01:26,390 --> 00:01:30,133 is that the talent show is going to be fun. 49 00:01:30,177 --> 00:01:31,482 - I hate the talent show. 50 00:01:31,526 --> 00:01:33,832 No one signed up for my bell choir. 51 00:01:33,876 --> 00:01:35,095 Third year in a row. 52 00:01:35,138 --> 00:01:36,748 - Oh, I'll sign up. 53 00:01:36,792 --> 00:01:38,489 - Yeah. Girl, we got you. 54 00:01:38,533 --> 00:01:39,664 - Girl, what if mine were all fast? 55 00:01:39,708 --> 00:01:41,405 Like, ding-ding-ding, ding-ding-ding. 56 00:01:41,449 --> 00:01:43,103 - Mm-hmm, and then I'll go like: 57 00:01:43,146 --> 00:01:44,365 ♪ Bong 58 00:01:44,408 --> 00:01:45,409 - You can't actually do two... - ♪ Bong 59 00:01:45,453 --> 00:01:47,150 - At once. - Ding-ding-ding-ding. 60 00:01:47,194 --> 00:01:49,152 - [beat boxing] - Like: Bonk. Bonk, bonk. 61 00:01:49,196 --> 00:01:50,936 - No, no. [all vocalizing] 62 00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:52,634 No! - Guys, guys. 63 00:01:52,677 --> 00:01:55,289 That's great, but you're still gonna need some students. 64 00:01:55,332 --> 00:01:57,465 This is a talent show for students. 65 00:01:57,508 --> 00:02:00,598 Our sponsor, Greta Donovan from Donovan Exterminators, 66 00:02:00,642 --> 00:02:02,513 has upped the prize money 67 00:02:02,557 --> 00:02:04,950 to $3,000. 68 00:02:04,994 --> 00:02:06,778 all: Ooh! - Been a very good year. 69 00:02:06,822 --> 00:02:08,171 - Wait, I'm sorry, $3,000? 70 00:02:08,215 --> 00:02:10,391 You're just gonna give a bunch of kids $3,000? 71 00:02:10,434 --> 00:02:13,220 I mean, that--that's the price of a first-world computer. 72 00:02:13,263 --> 00:02:15,570 - We make the check out to their faculty advisor. 73 00:02:15,613 --> 00:02:17,485 We're not stupid. 74 00:02:17,528 --> 00:02:20,009 - We're gonna win the talent show. 75 00:02:20,052 --> 00:02:21,010 [Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"] 76 00:02:21,053 --> 00:02:22,359 - One, two, three, four! 77 00:02:22,403 --> 00:02:25,145 - ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪ 78 00:02:25,188 --> 00:02:27,973 ♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪ 79 00:02:28,017 --> 00:02:34,980 ♪ 80 00:02:35,024 --> 00:02:36,286 - Mr. Griffin? - Yeah. 81 00:02:36,330 --> 00:02:38,245 - Why would you choose to do an extracurricular 82 00:02:38,288 --> 00:02:40,160 when you don't even do regular curricular? 83 00:02:40,203 --> 00:02:42,466 - Look, guys, the answer is simple, okay? 84 00:02:42,510 --> 00:02:43,772 I love talent. 85 00:02:43,815 --> 00:02:45,208 - We could use the money to have a pizza party 86 00:02:45,252 --> 00:02:46,514 with all kinds of pizzas. 87 00:02:46,557 --> 00:02:48,342 Pepperoni pizza... - Meat lover's pizza. 88 00:02:48,385 --> 00:02:50,257 - I like Hawaiian pizza. - What are we doing, guys? 89 00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:51,693 We're just gonna list all the pizzas in the world? 90 00:02:51,736 --> 00:02:53,216 Yeah, sure, we'll have a pizza party. 91 00:02:53,260 --> 00:02:55,000 But first we gotta find some talent, okay? 92 00:02:55,044 --> 00:02:56,263 So let's-- let's start over here. 93 00:02:56,306 --> 00:02:57,438 Marissa, what do you got? 94 00:02:57,481 --> 00:02:58,830 - I could say the alphabet backwards. 95 00:02:58,874 --> 00:03:01,877 "Z-Y-X-V..." 96 00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:03,052 [lighthearted music] 97 00:03:03,095 --> 00:03:04,488 "T"-- - Yeah, that stinks. 98 00:03:04,532 --> 00:03:06,186 It really does. Who else? 99 00:03:06,229 --> 00:03:08,710 - I can juggle four balls. 100 00:03:08,753 --> 00:03:11,234 Make that five. 101 00:03:11,278 --> 00:03:13,105 I also do magic. - Mm-hmm. 102 00:03:13,149 --> 00:03:15,282 You just keep getting worse. 103 00:03:15,325 --> 00:03:16,326 Come on guys. Who else, who else, who else? 104 00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:17,588 Uh, Dan. Dan, what's your talent? 105 00:03:17,632 --> 00:03:19,329 - I mean, I could throw food up in the air 106 00:03:19,373 --> 00:03:20,330 and catch it in my mouth. 107 00:03:20,374 --> 00:03:21,331 - Really? - Yeah. 108 00:03:21,375 --> 00:03:24,856 - Let me see that. 109 00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:26,467 Oh, whoa, that was awesome. 110 00:03:26,510 --> 00:03:27,642 He caught popcorn in his mouth. 111 00:03:27,685 --> 00:03:29,209 All right, well, Dan Decker's on the lead. 112 00:03:29,252 --> 00:03:30,210 Who else? Who else, guys? 113 00:03:30,253 --> 00:03:31,211 Over--anybody over here? 114 00:03:31,254 --> 00:03:34,257 You got something, Vic? 115 00:03:35,302 --> 00:03:38,000 You lost your nerve, there, bud? 116 00:03:38,043 --> 00:03:39,393 All right, well come on. 117 00:03:39,436 --> 00:03:40,698 There's gotta be somebody with some talent, yeah? 118 00:03:40,742 --> 00:03:42,961 Caleb, what you got cooking? - Nothing. 119 00:03:43,005 --> 00:03:44,789 - Hey, no secrets from papa. 120 00:03:44,833 --> 00:03:46,182 - It's just a dumb play. 121 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,531 Papa. 122 00:03:47,575 --> 00:03:49,707 - A play? 123 00:03:49,751 --> 00:03:52,232 Hmm. 124 00:03:53,407 --> 00:03:56,801 "A pregnant prostitute crosses the stage barefoot. 125 00:03:56,845 --> 00:03:59,151 ♪ 126 00:03:59,195 --> 00:04:02,720 "She stops and pulls a sticker from a banana off her foot." 127 00:04:02,764 --> 00:04:04,069 Fascinating. 128 00:04:04,113 --> 00:04:05,593 [no audible dialogue] 129 00:04:05,636 --> 00:04:07,812 ♪ 130 00:04:07,856 --> 00:04:09,031 - Ralph, bad news. 131 00:04:09,074 --> 00:04:11,076 Mr. Porter's sick, so he's not gonna be able 132 00:04:11,120 --> 00:04:12,600 to emcee the talent show this year. 133 00:04:12,643 --> 00:04:14,515 Plus, his drama class is unsupervised, 134 00:04:14,558 --> 00:04:15,907 and they might be having an orgy. 135 00:04:15,951 --> 00:04:18,780 - Okay, our kids would never do something that awful. 136 00:04:18,823 --> 00:04:20,085 - Tread lightly, Ralph. 137 00:04:20,129 --> 00:04:21,522 I'm an orgy baby. 138 00:04:21,565 --> 00:04:23,567 My mom was an orgy baby, her mom was-- 139 00:04:23,611 --> 00:04:26,396 - Helen, Helen, Helen. [stammers] 140 00:04:26,440 --> 00:04:27,919 We need to figure out who's gonna host. 141 00:04:27,963 --> 00:04:30,400 - Who are we gonna find to replace Mr. Porter? 142 00:04:30,444 --> 00:04:33,403 - Who's got the--the pizzazz, the singing chops, 143 00:04:33,447 --> 00:04:35,927 the rhythm to-- to do what he does? 144 00:04:35,971 --> 00:04:37,929 There's no one. 145 00:04:37,973 --> 00:04:40,584 [tapping jaunty rhythm] 146 00:04:40,628 --> 00:04:44,414 - [gasps] Ralph, you've got the rhythm! 147 00:04:44,458 --> 00:04:48,157 ♪ And I can sing [scatting] 148 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:50,028 - ♪ And we can both 149 00:04:50,072 --> 00:04:51,421 ♪ Kind of act 150 00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:56,905 - ♪ Plus I can sing 151 00:04:56,948 --> 00:04:58,428 ♪ 152 00:04:58,472 --> 00:04:59,777 - We're a triple threat. 153 00:04:59,821 --> 00:05:01,649 Helen, will you host 154 00:05:01,692 --> 00:05:03,128 "Whitlock's Got Talent" with me? 155 00:05:03,172 --> 00:05:05,957 - Ralph, I would be honored. 156 00:05:06,001 --> 00:05:08,960 [cheerful music] 157 00:05:09,004 --> 00:05:15,184 ♪ 158 00:05:15,227 --> 00:05:18,143 - Welcome to your first handbell lesson. 159 00:05:18,187 --> 00:05:20,232 I'm Michelle, your director. 160 00:05:20,276 --> 00:05:21,973 - [laughs] - Ooh, "director." 161 00:05:22,017 --> 00:05:24,498 - I know, look at Michelle getting all serious. 162 00:05:24,541 --> 00:05:26,891 - Right. both: "I'm the director." 163 00:05:26,935 --> 00:05:28,066 - [fake laugh] 164 00:05:28,110 --> 00:05:30,330 Well, handbells are serious instruments. 165 00:05:30,373 --> 00:05:32,332 They are not toys. 166 00:05:32,375 --> 00:05:34,421 These are each individually cast, 167 00:05:34,464 --> 00:05:37,075 they can never touch one another, 168 00:05:37,119 --> 00:05:40,514 and one must always wear gloves 169 00:05:40,557 --> 00:05:43,386 when handling the bells. 170 00:05:44,213 --> 00:05:45,910 Ahem. 171 00:05:45,954 --> 00:05:49,305 You are about to go on a wild journey. 172 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,089 There will be high highs... 173 00:05:51,133 --> 00:05:54,092 [high tone] 174 00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:55,137 ♪ 175 00:05:55,180 --> 00:05:56,834 - [whispering] And crushing lows. 176 00:05:56,878 --> 00:05:59,837 [deep note] 177 00:05:59,881 --> 00:06:01,448 ♪ 178 00:06:01,491 --> 00:06:02,579 Don't be scared. 179 00:06:02,623 --> 00:06:04,015 - I want that big daddy right there. 180 00:06:04,059 --> 00:06:05,539 - Ah-ah, no, no, no. 181 00:06:05,582 --> 00:06:08,193 I am the only non-Soviet female who can play that one. 182 00:06:08,237 --> 00:06:11,632 [clears throat] Bells up! 183 00:06:11,675 --> 00:06:14,852 [rousing percussion music] 184 00:06:14,896 --> 00:06:19,117 ♪ 185 00:06:19,161 --> 00:06:21,250 - This is it. 186 00:06:21,293 --> 00:06:22,382 This is amazing. 187 00:06:22,425 --> 00:06:24,427 It's--it's raw, it's super weird... 188 00:06:24,471 --> 00:06:25,950 [laughs] It's got grit. 189 00:06:25,994 --> 00:06:28,605 I bet you the judges have never seen anything like this. 190 00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:31,216 Caleb, I was blown away when-- when the pregnant prostitute 191 00:06:31,260 --> 00:06:32,348 showed up at the truck stop 192 00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:34,263 with a brick of coke and a pound cake. 193 00:06:34,306 --> 00:06:36,047 - Really? - Yeah, man. 194 00:06:36,091 --> 00:06:37,048 You gotta own your talent. 195 00:06:37,092 --> 00:06:38,049 I mean, really, you're-- 196 00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:39,529 you're competing against garbage. 197 00:06:39,573 --> 00:06:41,401 I mean, people are juggling, and some are doing magic. 198 00:06:41,444 --> 00:06:43,228 - Those are both mine. - Yeah. 199 00:06:43,272 --> 00:06:44,447 - Why don't you pick on Dan? 200 00:06:44,491 --> 00:06:46,536 All he did was eat popcorn. 201 00:06:46,580 --> 00:06:48,408 - Okay, Marcus, I can catch harder stuff, too. 202 00:06:48,451 --> 00:06:49,583 I catch ham. 203 00:06:49,626 --> 00:06:51,889 And I'm not talking about the deli slices. 204 00:06:51,933 --> 00:06:54,457 I'm talking about the thick Easter cuts. 205 00:06:54,501 --> 00:06:55,937 - That is cool... [sighs] 206 00:06:55,980 --> 00:06:58,940 But with my help, this play is gonna be next level. 207 00:06:58,983 --> 00:07:01,333 Round of applause for Caleb, everybody. 208 00:07:01,377 --> 00:07:02,987 He's our $3,000 baby. 209 00:07:03,031 --> 00:07:05,990 [applause] 210 00:07:06,034 --> 00:07:08,471 ♪ 211 00:07:11,474 --> 00:07:11,692 . 212 00:07:11,735 --> 00:07:13,563 - You neutered me. 213 00:07:13,607 --> 00:07:15,957 You literally took them off me. 214 00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:18,133 - I had to get information out of you 215 00:07:18,176 --> 00:07:20,135 for my job as mob boss. 216 00:07:20,178 --> 00:07:22,311 - But you were my best friend, 217 00:07:22,354 --> 00:07:24,835 and you cut my [bleep] [bleep] off. 218 00:07:24,879 --> 00:07:26,402 - Go home to your family. 219 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:27,838 You're drunk. 220 00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:28,970 It's Christmas. 221 00:07:29,013 --> 00:07:31,233 - [groans] That's great. 222 00:07:31,276 --> 00:07:32,974 That's great. All right, again, again. 223 00:07:33,017 --> 00:07:34,758 - Look at my mangled face. 224 00:07:34,802 --> 00:07:37,848 - You can't command me around just 'cause you're my husband. 225 00:07:37,892 --> 00:07:39,241 - Then I command you 226 00:07:39,284 --> 00:07:42,766 as Chief of Police of Paris. 227 00:07:42,810 --> 00:07:45,552 Look at my mangled face. 228 00:07:45,595 --> 00:07:48,163 - [wails] 229 00:07:48,206 --> 00:07:49,773 - The whole thing takes place in Paris. 230 00:07:49,817 --> 00:07:51,122 I didn't realize that until just now. 231 00:07:51,166 --> 00:07:52,646 That really elevates it. - Right? 232 00:07:52,689 --> 00:07:54,561 - You gave my sister an STD. 233 00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:56,476 Good-bye. 234 00:07:57,999 --> 00:08:00,480 - Holy [bleep] [bleep]. 235 00:08:00,523 --> 00:08:03,570 You're the prostitute that stabbed me. 236 00:08:03,613 --> 00:08:04,614 - I'm pregnant. 237 00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:05,963 The doctor said it's your baby. 238 00:08:06,007 --> 00:08:07,965 He had your sperm on file. 239 00:08:08,009 --> 00:08:10,533 - I mean, I'd help raise it, but... 240 00:08:11,795 --> 00:08:13,797 I'm dead. - [sighs] 241 00:08:13,841 --> 00:08:15,364 Wow. 242 00:08:15,407 --> 00:08:17,148 That's great, guys. That is really great. 243 00:08:17,192 --> 00:08:18,976 We'll maybe tweak the ending a little bit, though. 244 00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:19,977 - Yeah, I felt that, too. 245 00:08:20,021 --> 00:08:21,022 - All right, let's keep this going. 246 00:08:21,065 --> 00:08:22,502 I think we're gonna get that pizza! 247 00:08:22,545 --> 00:08:23,720 - Pepperoni. 248 00:08:23,764 --> 00:08:24,852 - Yeah, we'll get a bunch of them. 249 00:08:24,895 --> 00:08:25,853 You don't have to-- - Mushroom. 250 00:08:25,896 --> 00:08:28,290 - Grace. 251 00:08:28,333 --> 00:08:31,511 [all playing Steve Winwood's "Valerie"] 252 00:08:31,554 --> 00:08:38,518 ♪ 253 00:08:41,825 --> 00:08:43,740 - Bells down. - Whoo! 254 00:08:43,784 --> 00:08:45,525 [laughs] 255 00:08:45,568 --> 00:08:46,961 - [sighs] 256 00:08:47,004 --> 00:08:49,354 Wow, that was rough. 257 00:08:49,398 --> 00:08:52,140 - Uh, well, it could probably use 258 00:08:52,183 --> 00:08:53,707 a little pizzazz. 259 00:08:53,750 --> 00:08:55,317 - Yes, I was thinking that. 260 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:56,797 Maybe we take one glove off and we just hit 'em with a... 261 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,233 ♪ Hee-hee - Ooh, yes! 262 00:08:58,276 --> 00:09:00,452 And then maybe combine the two so it's like a little... 263 00:09:00,496 --> 00:09:01,802 ♪ Shamone 264 00:09:01,845 --> 00:09:03,760 ♪ Hee-hee - Come on, combo. 265 00:09:03,804 --> 00:09:06,850 [both vocalizing] 266 00:09:06,894 --> 00:09:08,852 - ♪ Ah - [hissing between teeth] 267 00:09:08,896 --> 00:09:11,115 Shut up! 268 00:09:11,159 --> 00:09:13,204 At this point, I don't think anyone's even gonna know 269 00:09:13,248 --> 00:09:15,511 we're playing Steve Winwood's "Valerie." 270 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,774 The greatest fear of every handbell ringer 271 00:09:17,818 --> 00:09:19,080 is that the audience won't be able 272 00:09:19,123 --> 00:09:20,647 to tell what song it is. 273 00:09:20,690 --> 00:09:24,041 It happens in over 70% of all handbell performances. 274 00:09:24,085 --> 00:09:26,043 Look, I love you guys, 275 00:09:26,087 --> 00:09:28,089 You both seem very nice as people, 276 00:09:28,132 --> 00:09:30,221 and, like, you're trying to improve, but... 277 00:09:30,265 --> 00:09:31,919 [laughs] As handbell players, 278 00:09:31,962 --> 00:09:33,007 you're nothing. 279 00:09:33,050 --> 00:09:35,575 You're fired. Return your gloves. 280 00:09:35,618 --> 00:09:37,011 - But, Michelle, 281 00:09:37,054 --> 00:09:39,230 I have a milk delivery I need to make in the 1950s. 282 00:09:39,274 --> 00:09:42,538 - And I had a date with a California raisin. 283 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:45,236 - [quietly] All right. - [rings bell aggressively] 284 00:09:45,280 --> 00:09:48,413 [funky percussion music] 285 00:09:48,457 --> 00:09:49,719 ♪ 286 00:09:49,763 --> 00:09:51,112 - I got it. 287 00:09:51,155 --> 00:09:54,071 What if our act is something like the show "Jackass"? 288 00:09:54,115 --> 00:09:55,856 Here, put this pudding cup on the floor. 289 00:09:55,899 --> 00:09:57,118 I'm gonna dive into it. 290 00:09:57,161 --> 00:09:59,555 - Helen, Helen, get-- no, get down, all right? 291 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:02,602 If we're gonna impress Greta, we need something magical. 292 00:10:02,645 --> 00:10:04,516 Something-- something transcendent. 293 00:10:04,560 --> 00:10:08,129 A--a surefire hit for the ages. 294 00:10:09,696 --> 00:10:11,959 - "Jackass"! - Billy Crystal Oscar medley. 295 00:10:12,002 --> 00:10:14,439 - That's a good idea, too. - All right. 296 00:10:14,483 --> 00:10:15,832 - Hey. 297 00:10:15,876 --> 00:10:18,269 Just gonna sign my kids up for that talent show. 298 00:10:18,313 --> 00:10:20,968 Now, is that $3,000 gonna come in cash? 299 00:10:21,011 --> 00:10:23,274 I also accept Apple gift cards. 300 00:10:23,318 --> 00:10:24,624 For the kids, obviously. 301 00:10:24,667 --> 00:10:27,278 - Oh, I like your confidence. It's foxy. 302 00:10:27,322 --> 00:10:28,845 - Yeah, well, I think the judges are gonna be 303 00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:29,933 pretty blown away 304 00:10:29,977 --> 00:10:31,239 by the edgy theater piece we're doing. 305 00:10:31,282 --> 00:10:33,807 - Uh, there aren't any judges. [laughs] 306 00:10:33,850 --> 00:10:35,460 We have an applause-o-meter. 307 00:10:35,504 --> 00:10:37,462 It gauges the audience reaction. 308 00:10:37,506 --> 00:10:39,334 Usually crowd-pleasing spectacles 309 00:10:39,377 --> 00:10:40,640 are the ones that win. 310 00:10:40,683 --> 00:10:41,641 - Last year's winner 311 00:10:41,684 --> 00:10:43,251 set off fireworks while she sang 312 00:10:43,294 --> 00:10:44,905 and armpit-farted the national anthem. 313 00:10:44,948 --> 00:10:46,428 All four verses-- 314 00:10:46,471 --> 00:10:48,212 including the original racist one. 315 00:10:48,256 --> 00:10:49,649 - Wait a second, so we're not gonna be judged 316 00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:50,780 by a panel of experts 317 00:10:50,824 --> 00:10:52,869 who appreciate nuance and originality? 318 00:10:52,913 --> 00:10:54,828 We're just judged by... 319 00:10:54,871 --> 00:10:56,481 noise? - [whispers] Yeah. 320 00:10:56,525 --> 00:10:59,702 - [blows raspberry] - [laughing] 321 00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:02,966 ♪ 322 00:11:03,010 --> 00:11:04,228 - Thank you for the sex. 323 00:11:04,272 --> 00:11:06,100 It felt normal. 324 00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:08,798 - Just leave the money on the table and get out. 325 00:11:08,842 --> 00:11:10,452 I'm going into labor. 326 00:11:10,495 --> 00:11:14,238 Uh, oh, gosh. Here we go. 327 00:11:15,805 --> 00:11:17,067 - I was born into fire. 328 00:11:17,111 --> 00:11:18,416 - Wow... [sighs] 329 00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:21,811 Hate to cut that off, guys, but change of plans. 330 00:11:21,855 --> 00:11:23,160 The play is dead. 331 00:11:23,204 --> 00:11:24,727 Yeah, we gotta think of something else. 332 00:11:24,771 --> 00:11:25,859 No one was gonna like it. 333 00:11:25,902 --> 00:11:27,164 It was never gonna win us that money. 334 00:11:27,208 --> 00:11:29,123 Now, who can make a melody with their armpit? 335 00:11:29,166 --> 00:11:30,777 - But you said my play was good. 336 00:11:30,820 --> 00:11:32,169 My--my parents are coming. 337 00:11:32,213 --> 00:11:33,736 This is the first thing I've invited them to. 338 00:11:33,780 --> 00:11:35,607 - Well, they should still come, 'cause we need clappers. 339 00:11:35,651 --> 00:11:37,348 Now, are they the hooting and hollering type? 340 00:11:37,392 --> 00:11:40,047 'Cause that'd be great. 341 00:11:40,090 --> 00:11:41,483 Was that a yes? - Yeah. 342 00:11:41,526 --> 00:11:43,572 - We'll think of something. 343 00:11:47,097 --> 00:11:47,271 . 344 00:11:47,315 --> 00:11:49,709 - All right, guys, we don't have a lot of time, 345 00:11:49,752 --> 00:11:50,884 but we need to put on the most pandering, 346 00:11:50,927 --> 00:11:52,059 mass-appealing show ever known to man. 347 00:11:52,102 --> 00:11:53,408 So what do your dumb classmates like? 348 00:11:53,451 --> 00:11:54,670 Go. - Candy. 349 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,150 Cheese Whiz. - The beach. 350 00:11:56,193 --> 00:11:58,674 Walks on the beach. Drinks on the beach. 351 00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,197 - According to a YouTube search, 352 00:12:00,241 --> 00:12:03,331 the most watched videos are of electronic dance music 353 00:12:03,374 --> 00:12:05,550 Bollywood, unboxing, 354 00:12:05,594 --> 00:12:08,118 ASMR, juggling... 355 00:12:08,162 --> 00:12:11,121 [rousing music] 356 00:12:11,165 --> 00:12:14,298 ♪ 357 00:12:14,342 --> 00:12:17,606 - So, what are we doing? 358 00:12:17,649 --> 00:12:19,869 - Whew. 359 00:12:20,827 --> 00:12:23,655 All of it. 360 00:12:23,699 --> 00:12:25,353 ♪ 361 00:12:25,396 --> 00:12:28,051 [devious chuckle] 362 00:12:28,095 --> 00:12:30,010 - Principle Durbin, wake up! 363 00:12:30,053 --> 00:12:31,881 You're gonna miss "Whitlock's Got Talent"! 364 00:12:31,925 --> 00:12:33,753 - [laughing] No, I won't! 365 00:12:33,796 --> 00:12:34,971 Because... 366 00:12:35,015 --> 00:12:39,280 [cheers and applause] 367 00:12:39,323 --> 00:12:42,065 [glamorous music] 368 00:12:42,109 --> 00:12:44,415 both: ♪ Whitlock's got talent 369 00:12:44,459 --> 00:12:46,461 ♪ Whitlock's got talent 370 00:12:46,504 --> 00:12:48,593 ♪ Whitlock's got talent 371 00:12:48,637 --> 00:12:50,508 ♪ Whitlock's got talent 372 00:12:50,552 --> 00:12:52,902 - Welcome to "Whitlock's Got Talent." 373 00:12:52,946 --> 00:12:54,817 And, oh, who do we have here? - Uh-oh. 374 00:12:54,861 --> 00:12:57,428 - It's Coach! - I had to be here. 375 00:12:57,472 --> 00:12:59,039 I'm making sure the gym floor doesn't get scuffed. 376 00:12:59,082 --> 00:13:00,910 - [chuckling] - That is so Coach! 377 00:13:00,954 --> 00:13:02,390 He shows up to the talent show, 378 00:13:02,433 --> 00:13:05,088 but he can't get his players to show up to the game. 379 00:13:05,132 --> 00:13:06,960 [laughter] 380 00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:08,788 - Oh, and who else do we have here today? 381 00:13:08,831 --> 00:13:12,269 It's Greta Donovan from Donovan Exterminators, 382 00:13:12,313 --> 00:13:13,357 where Whitlock high goes 383 00:13:13,401 --> 00:13:17,100 for all of its pest control needs. 384 00:13:17,144 --> 00:13:19,102 - And thanks to this lovely lady, 385 00:13:19,146 --> 00:13:21,931 we know that the beetles won't be performing here tonight. 386 00:13:21,975 --> 00:13:23,193 [audience groans, laughs] 387 00:13:23,237 --> 00:13:25,108 both: ♪ Whitlock's got talent 388 00:13:25,152 --> 00:13:26,980 ♪ Whitlock's got talent 389 00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:28,938 ♪ Whitlock's got talent 390 00:13:28,982 --> 00:13:30,766 ♪ Whitlock's got talent 391 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,769 - [scatting] 392 00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:37,294 ♪ 393 00:13:37,338 --> 00:13:39,035 - [scatting] Boom! 394 00:13:39,079 --> 00:13:42,256 - [increasingly bizarre scatting] 395 00:13:42,299 --> 00:13:44,867 ♪ 396 00:13:44,911 --> 00:13:47,914 [trilling] ♪ Ree 397 00:13:47,957 --> 00:13:49,437 [light applause] 398 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:52,919 - Your next contestant is Mrs. Jones and her companions. 399 00:13:56,879 --> 00:13:59,795 - Bells up. 400 00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:00,970 - Oh, my God. 401 00:14:01,014 --> 00:14:03,843 She replaced us with herself. 402 00:14:03,886 --> 00:14:05,018 - She did not. 403 00:14:05,061 --> 00:14:08,238 [playing Steve Winwood's "Valerie"] 404 00:14:08,282 --> 00:14:15,332 ♪ 405 00:14:16,246 --> 00:14:17,639 both: Oh... 406 00:14:17,682 --> 00:14:19,902 - But this is very good. 407 00:14:19,946 --> 00:14:22,165 I mean, she is excellent. 408 00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:23,514 ♪ 409 00:14:23,558 --> 00:14:26,430 - [gasps] - [exclaims] 410 00:14:26,474 --> 00:14:29,651 - Okay, guys, we are up next and we need to win, all right? 411 00:14:29,694 --> 00:14:30,695 This is gonna be the greatest night 412 00:14:30,739 --> 00:14:32,001 of all your lives. 413 00:14:32,045 --> 00:14:34,699 [excited chatter] Here we go. 414 00:14:34,743 --> 00:14:38,703 ♪ 415 00:14:38,747 --> 00:14:41,445 - Oh, my God, she's going for the big boy. 416 00:14:41,489 --> 00:14:42,707 ♪ 417 00:14:42,751 --> 00:14:44,622 - Let's bring it in, guys. Okay, ready? 418 00:14:44,666 --> 00:14:46,189 One, two, three... 419 00:14:46,233 --> 00:14:47,756 [all calling pizza toppings] 420 00:14:47,799 --> 00:14:49,932 - Oh, still talking about pizza, huh? 421 00:14:49,976 --> 00:14:52,065 [applause] 422 00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:54,676 - Thank you so much, Mrs. Jones. 423 00:14:54,719 --> 00:14:56,025 - Amazing. 424 00:14:56,069 --> 00:14:58,985 - And now, back to the student, uh, talent show. 425 00:14:59,028 --> 00:15:02,684 Up next is Mr. Griffin's A.P. Bio class. 426 00:15:02,727 --> 00:15:04,773 Did you know that Mr. Griffin 427 00:15:04,816 --> 00:15:06,906 used to teach at Harvard? 428 00:15:06,949 --> 00:15:07,907 - Really? 429 00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:10,300 I've never heard him mention it! 430 00:15:10,344 --> 00:15:11,911 [laughter] 431 00:15:11,954 --> 00:15:13,738 - You guys ready? Let's do it. 432 00:15:13,782 --> 00:15:15,131 - Please welcome 433 00:15:15,175 --> 00:15:19,657 the EDM Candy Dance Spectacular Samurai Explosion. 434 00:15:19,701 --> 00:15:23,357 [heavy electronic pop music playing through speakers] 435 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:25,359 - Grace, now. 436 00:15:25,402 --> 00:15:29,841 ♪ 437 00:15:29,885 --> 00:15:31,843 - ♪ Kick it 438 00:15:31,887 --> 00:15:36,587 ♪ 439 00:15:36,631 --> 00:15:39,329 [cheering] 440 00:15:39,373 --> 00:15:46,423 ♪ 441 00:15:54,344 --> 00:15:56,216 - Go! Go harder! Do more stuff! 442 00:15:56,259 --> 00:15:58,522 ♪ 443 00:15:58,566 --> 00:16:01,482 [cheering] 444 00:16:01,525 --> 00:16:02,483 ♪ 445 00:16:02,526 --> 00:16:04,615 Ah, he's gonna ruin it. 446 00:16:04,659 --> 00:16:08,793 ♪ 447 00:16:08,837 --> 00:16:11,231 Eduardo, Marissa, Sarika, go! 448 00:16:11,274 --> 00:16:14,451 ♪ 449 00:16:14,495 --> 00:16:17,454 [cheering, whistling] 450 00:16:17,498 --> 00:16:23,634 ♪ 451 00:16:23,678 --> 00:16:25,462 Caleb! Smile, man! 452 00:16:25,506 --> 00:16:27,334 Sell it! 453 00:16:27,377 --> 00:16:30,511 ♪ 454 00:16:30,554 --> 00:16:31,686 [sighs] All right. 455 00:16:31,729 --> 00:16:33,035 [audience muttering] 456 00:16:33,079 --> 00:16:34,297 Pour candy corn in the fan. 457 00:16:34,341 --> 00:16:35,559 - You're going a little too far. 458 00:16:35,603 --> 00:16:38,301 - No, trust me, man. They're gonna love it. 459 00:16:38,345 --> 00:16:45,395 ♪ 460 00:16:48,964 --> 00:16:50,183 [audience shouting] 461 00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:51,923 - Get outta here. Knock it off. 462 00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:53,795 ♪ 463 00:16:53,838 --> 00:16:54,839 [audience coughing] 464 00:16:54,883 --> 00:16:56,145 - What are we looking at? 465 00:16:56,189 --> 00:16:57,973 - You just have to pick one and watch them. 466 00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,061 Otherwise, you'll get a headache. 467 00:16:59,105 --> 00:17:02,282 [audience booing] 468 00:17:02,325 --> 00:17:04,371 ♪ 469 00:17:04,414 --> 00:17:06,677 [music stops] 470 00:17:06,721 --> 00:17:09,767 [audience coughing, booing] 471 00:17:14,511 --> 00:17:16,600 - They didn't like it. They didn't like it. 472 00:17:16,644 --> 00:17:19,603 [tense music] 473 00:17:19,647 --> 00:17:22,476 ♪ 474 00:17:25,305 --> 00:17:25,522 . 475 00:17:25,566 --> 00:17:27,176 - All right, ladies and gentlemen, 476 00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:30,875 prepare to be amazed. 477 00:17:30,919 --> 00:17:32,181 For this next trick... - I'm sorry, Mr. Griffin. 478 00:17:32,225 --> 00:17:34,531 I know you really wanted that pizza. 479 00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:37,099 It's hard when you have your heart set on something 480 00:17:37,143 --> 00:17:38,361 you really, really want... 481 00:17:38,405 --> 00:17:39,449 - Okay. 482 00:17:39,493 --> 00:17:40,842 - And then it gets taken away from you. 483 00:17:40,885 --> 00:17:43,758 I, too, wanted that pizza. 484 00:17:43,801 --> 00:17:45,151 - Okay, all right, Victor. I hear you. 485 00:17:45,194 --> 00:17:47,544 Yeah, thank you. - Cut him in half. 486 00:17:47,588 --> 00:17:50,634 [distant applause] 487 00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:55,378 Hey, listen, why don't you two go take your seats? 488 00:17:55,422 --> 00:17:56,814 You're not gonna want to miss this, okay? 489 00:17:56,858 --> 00:17:59,121 - It was nice knowing you. 490 00:17:59,165 --> 00:18:00,644 Ha-oh! 491 00:18:00,688 --> 00:18:02,385 - [groans] - Wow, that's great. 492 00:18:02,429 --> 00:18:04,735 Yeah, I--can I just--? Sorry about that. 493 00:18:04,779 --> 00:18:06,215 Uh, hi, everybody. 494 00:18:06,259 --> 00:18:08,304 Um, I just wanted to let you all know, 495 00:18:08,348 --> 00:18:11,090 there will be one more entry in tonight's contest: 496 00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:13,875 Caleb Baker's dramatic, seven-act play. 497 00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:16,660 [scattered applause] 498 00:18:16,704 --> 00:18:19,446 Don't know how they did that. 499 00:18:19,489 --> 00:18:20,751 Caleb, it's go time. 500 00:18:20,795 --> 00:18:21,926 - I don't want to do my play, I-- 501 00:18:21,970 --> 00:18:24,146 - Caleb, come here. 502 00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:25,234 [sighs] Listen, man. 503 00:18:25,278 --> 00:18:27,062 I was wrong, okay? [stammers] 504 00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:28,281 I backed the wrong horse. 505 00:18:28,324 --> 00:18:29,412 I should have gone with my first instinct 506 00:18:29,456 --> 00:18:30,457 and done your play. 507 00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:31,501 - You said no one was gonna like it. 508 00:18:31,545 --> 00:18:33,286 - Well, they probably won't. 509 00:18:33,329 --> 00:18:35,984 'Cause it's good, like my books. 510 00:18:36,027 --> 00:18:38,160 You know who likes my books? 511 00:18:38,204 --> 00:18:39,944 I do. 512 00:18:39,988 --> 00:18:42,295 Do you like your play? 513 00:18:42,338 --> 00:18:44,514 - Yeah. 514 00:18:44,558 --> 00:18:46,864 - I like it. - I like it. 515 00:18:46,908 --> 00:18:48,301 - Me, too. That's four. 516 00:18:48,344 --> 00:18:50,781 That's already more than Mr. Griffin's books. 517 00:18:50,825 --> 00:18:51,782 - All right, take it easy, man. 518 00:18:51,826 --> 00:18:52,783 - Let's do this. 519 00:18:52,827 --> 00:18:54,655 I've got an idea for the ending. 520 00:18:54,698 --> 00:18:56,396 [inaudible whispering] 521 00:18:56,439 --> 00:18:59,050 [sweet music] 522 00:18:59,094 --> 00:19:01,314 - [sighs] 523 00:19:01,357 --> 00:19:06,101 ♪ 524 00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:09,191 - Holy [bleep] [bleep]. 525 00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:10,888 You're the prostitute that stabbed me. 526 00:19:10,932 --> 00:19:12,107 - I'm pregnant, 527 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,414 and the doctor said it's your baby. 528 00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:15,937 - I told you. 529 00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:18,679 - I mean, I'd help you raise it, but... 530 00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:21,247 I'm dead. - Mm. 531 00:19:21,290 --> 00:19:24,032 - I've been meaning to tell you... 532 00:19:24,075 --> 00:19:26,295 I'm dead, too. 533 00:19:26,339 --> 00:19:27,644 - I told you. 534 00:19:27,688 --> 00:19:28,993 - I know you did. 535 00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:30,343 - Now, take me to heaven 536 00:19:30,386 --> 00:19:33,781 before we both get dragged to hell. 537 00:19:35,522 --> 00:19:37,001 [cheers and applause] 538 00:19:37,045 --> 00:19:38,002 - Oh, boy. 539 00:19:38,046 --> 00:19:40,004 - Okay. [laughs] 540 00:19:40,048 --> 00:19:42,093 That's the table from shop class. 541 00:19:42,137 --> 00:19:44,183 - Let's hear it for Caleb's play. 542 00:19:44,226 --> 00:19:46,097 - Yes. - Whoo! 543 00:19:46,141 --> 00:19:49,013 - That was, uh, very inappropriate, 544 00:19:49,057 --> 00:19:51,190 but I think we have a winner! 545 00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:54,367 [cheers and applause] 546 00:19:54,410 --> 00:20:00,590 ♪ 547 00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:02,288 [bell ringing] 548 00:20:02,331 --> 00:20:03,593 ♪ 549 00:20:03,637 --> 00:20:04,899 - All right. [sighs] 550 00:20:04,942 --> 00:20:07,815 - Whoa, $3,000 worth of pizza? 551 00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:09,947 - Grace, no what are you-- what are you talking about? 552 00:20:09,991 --> 00:20:11,210 I bought this pizza. 553 00:20:11,253 --> 00:20:13,995 - You bought us pizza with your own money? 554 00:20:14,038 --> 00:20:15,866 But you're poor. 555 00:20:15,910 --> 00:20:17,041 - They're beautiful, 556 00:20:17,085 --> 00:20:19,870 but we can't possibly accept them. 557 00:20:19,914 --> 00:20:21,481 - It's not like I can take it back. 558 00:20:21,524 --> 00:20:23,352 Plus, you guys deserve it, okay? 559 00:20:23,396 --> 00:20:26,442 You--you won first place, all right? 560 00:20:26,486 --> 00:20:29,010 Although the old lady, she did rescind the money 561 00:20:29,053 --> 00:20:32,535 because of you guys' dirty ghost sex. 562 00:20:32,579 --> 00:20:34,058 - Thank you for liking my play, Mr. Griffin. 563 00:20:34,102 --> 00:20:35,146 - Everyone did. 564 00:20:35,190 --> 00:20:37,018 - Yeah, I guess it was artful. 565 00:20:37,061 --> 00:20:39,063 And the masses liked it. 566 00:20:39,107 --> 00:20:40,717 I hope you know what that's like someday. 567 00:20:40,761 --> 00:20:42,545 - All right, well, bring it down a notch, there, bud, okay? 568 00:20:42,589 --> 00:20:44,982 Dan Decker could read one of my philosophy papers out loud 569 00:20:45,026 --> 00:20:46,462 and the masses would like it, too, okay? 570 00:20:46,506 --> 00:20:48,247 That's--that's just Dan Decker. 571 00:20:48,290 --> 00:20:49,726 He is the coolest. 572 00:20:49,770 --> 00:20:52,512 [all laughing] 573 00:20:52,555 --> 00:20:55,341 All right, so just read my book into the mic. 574 00:20:55,384 --> 00:20:57,908 - "The pursuit of happiness can be broken down 575 00:20:57,952 --> 00:21:00,215 "into four basic categories: 576 00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:02,565 "One, work a job where you can see 577 00:21:02,609 --> 00:21:04,132 "the physical results of your labor 578 00:21:04,175 --> 00:21:05,742 "at the end of the day. 579 00:21:05,786 --> 00:21:09,137 "Two, create mundane celebrations 580 00:21:09,180 --> 00:21:12,401 "to distract from impending death. 581 00:21:12,445 --> 00:21:15,970 "Three, ingest sugary, fatty, 582 00:21:16,013 --> 00:21:19,278 or salty foods that release endorphins." 583 00:21:19,321 --> 00:21:22,542 [rousing country music]