1 00:00:05,701 --> 00:00:06,049 . 2 00:00:06,093 --> 00:00:08,312 all: 17! 3 00:00:08,356 --> 00:00:10,749 18! 4 00:00:10,793 --> 00:00:12,490 19! 5 00:00:12,534 --> 00:00:14,797 - Sarika, he's gonna break the record! 6 00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:16,886 - Okie dokie, everybody. 7 00:00:16,929 --> 00:00:19,193 Sit down and start to shut up. 8 00:00:19,236 --> 00:00:20,672 [kids groaning] 9 00:00:20,716 --> 00:00:22,109 Uh--oh, hey. 10 00:00:22,152 --> 00:00:24,676 Kudos for you guys acting like normal teens. 11 00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:25,851 Normally when I walk in here 12 00:00:25,895 --> 00:00:27,810 it's like a freaking creep show. 13 00:00:27,853 --> 00:00:29,116 [thud] 14 00:00:29,159 --> 00:00:30,465 I just found out today that 15 00:00:30,508 --> 00:00:31,944 I have a mailbox here at this school. 16 00:00:31,988 --> 00:00:32,945 Who knew? 17 00:00:32,989 --> 00:00:34,338 - My family's mailbox 18 00:00:34,382 --> 00:00:37,124 is a tiny replica of our actual house. 19 00:00:37,167 --> 00:00:39,778 I like to imagine a tiny Victor lives in there 20 00:00:39,822 --> 00:00:43,695 and that my house is a mailbox for an even bigger Victor. 21 00:00:43,739 --> 00:00:45,088 - Good to know, Vic. 22 00:00:45,132 --> 00:00:46,611 - All right, Sarika, I need you to separate out 23 00:00:46,655 --> 00:00:48,439 all the mail order catalogues, okay? 24 00:00:48,483 --> 00:00:50,180 The junk mail's great research for my book. 25 00:00:50,224 --> 00:00:52,835 I want to examine why people find happiness 26 00:00:52,878 --> 00:00:55,011 through the consumption of ridiculous products. 27 00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:58,188 So, uh, who here has parents that have bought things 28 00:00:58,232 --> 00:01:00,147 off of an infomercial? 29 00:01:00,190 --> 00:01:02,105 - My mom swears by the Ped-Scraper. 30 00:01:02,149 --> 00:01:05,282 It's like this potato peeler for the dead skin on your feet. 31 00:01:05,326 --> 00:01:07,197 It reveals her glowing, sexy foot 32 00:01:07,241 --> 00:01:08,894 without the price of a spa. 33 00:01:08,938 --> 00:01:11,854 - Hmm, guys, I can't be the only one who cuts him off. 34 00:01:11,897 --> 00:01:13,508 All right, now who else has something? 35 00:01:13,551 --> 00:01:15,510 - Hey, yo, Jackie. Jackie. 36 00:01:15,553 --> 00:01:17,077 Yeah, man. Over here, man. 37 00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:19,079 Check this out. You ready for this? 38 00:01:19,122 --> 00:01:20,732 - I am. - So, yo, you ready? 39 00:01:20,776 --> 00:01:22,430 - Yes. 40 00:01:22,473 --> 00:01:24,780 - If I told you that you can cook an egg inside your pocket 41 00:01:24,823 --> 00:01:27,043 while you're in the gym, would you buy it? 42 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,349 - Is that real? 43 00:01:28,392 --> 00:01:30,264 - These are the A.P. Bio practice exams! 44 00:01:30,307 --> 00:01:31,917 - Yeah, well, Sarika, you don't really need 45 00:01:31,961 --> 00:01:34,572 to practice for something you're never going to do. 46 00:01:35,747 --> 00:01:38,750 [pensive music] 47 00:01:38,794 --> 00:01:40,578 [rip] 48 00:01:40,622 --> 00:01:44,800 ♪ 49 00:01:44,843 --> 00:01:46,845 All right, who else here has a house filled with, 50 00:01:46,889 --> 00:01:48,238 like, infomercial crap? 51 00:01:48,282 --> 00:01:50,806 Marissa! You seem like you probably got 52 00:01:50,849 --> 00:01:52,416 a couple of hoarders in your household. 53 00:01:52,460 --> 00:01:55,680 - Pappy loves treasure. - I bet. 54 00:01:55,724 --> 00:01:58,553 - You will hand over the practice tests right now 55 00:01:58,596 --> 00:02:02,078 or I'm gonna show everyone these. 56 00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:03,906 - What are those? 57 00:02:03,949 --> 00:02:06,909 [suspenseful music] 58 00:02:06,952 --> 00:02:08,737 ♪ 59 00:02:08,780 --> 00:02:11,609 This is pictures of me and Lynette. 60 00:02:11,653 --> 00:02:13,916 [chuckles] Wow, these are-- these are great. 61 00:02:13,959 --> 00:02:15,570 Sarika, did you take these? 62 00:02:15,613 --> 00:02:17,876 That's very creepy of you, but these are really good shots. 63 00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:19,791 Can I keep these? - Yes. 64 00:02:19,835 --> 00:02:22,490 - And just so you know, I'm a grown-up ass man 65 00:02:22,533 --> 00:02:25,449 and I don't get embarrassed when I like someone. 66 00:02:25,493 --> 00:02:28,235 - Same here. I like Grace. 67 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,890 No, I--I'm embarrassed. 68 00:02:31,934 --> 00:02:33,283 That was embarrassing. 69 00:02:33,327 --> 00:02:34,284 [Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"] 70 00:02:34,328 --> 00:02:35,938 - One, two, three, four! 71 00:02:35,981 --> 00:02:38,767 - ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪ 72 00:02:38,810 --> 00:02:41,987 ♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪ 73 00:02:42,031 --> 00:02:48,864 ♪ 74 00:02:48,907 --> 00:02:51,083 - [laughing] 75 00:02:51,127 --> 00:02:52,302 - Mr. Jack Griffin. 76 00:02:52,346 --> 00:02:55,131 - You, sir, are suspected of murder. 77 00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,307 - Mur--is this about Tampa? 78 00:02:57,351 --> 00:02:59,309 I can't--I--I--I-- I'm tired of explaining this. 79 00:02:59,353 --> 00:03:00,876 Look, if you call it a dolphin ride, 80 00:03:00,919 --> 00:03:03,183 I'm gonna mount it. All right, they didn't tell me 81 00:03:03,226 --> 00:03:04,662 that you're supposed to just ride on its tail. 82 00:03:04,706 --> 00:03:07,535 How the hell was I supposed to know? 83 00:03:08,231 --> 00:03:09,450 - I was just reminding you about 84 00:03:09,493 --> 00:03:11,278 my murder mystery party tonight. 85 00:03:11,321 --> 00:03:12,496 - Oh, God. Oh yeah, got it. 86 00:03:12,540 --> 00:03:13,671 Yeah. No, thanks. Thank you. 87 00:03:13,715 --> 00:03:15,717 - Thank you. - Yeah. 88 00:03:18,894 --> 00:03:21,418 - Hey, man, congrats on the party invite. 89 00:03:21,462 --> 00:03:23,072 I bet it never gets old. 90 00:03:23,115 --> 00:03:24,421 - Yeah, respect. 91 00:03:24,465 --> 00:03:25,901 - Yes, respect. 92 00:03:25,944 --> 00:03:28,382 Socializing is important. - Okay, thanks, guys. 93 00:03:28,425 --> 00:03:29,992 I appreciate the respect. Yuyao, thank you, 94 00:03:30,035 --> 00:03:31,907 but needless to say, I won't be attending. 95 00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:33,909 Look, I'm gonna tell you guys something that's not really 96 00:03:33,952 --> 00:03:35,867 going to register for probably ten-plus years 97 00:03:35,911 --> 00:03:39,915 but alone on your couch is the ultimate Friday night. 98 00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:42,352 [school bell rings] 99 00:03:42,396 --> 00:03:45,268 ♪ 100 00:03:45,312 --> 00:03:47,009 - We need those practice tests. 101 00:03:47,052 --> 00:03:48,880 If we don't get them, we'll be forced to study 102 00:03:48,924 --> 00:03:50,404 with online knockoffs. 103 00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:53,276 We need to sneak in tonight and take them. 104 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:54,973 - Oh... - Sorry, Sarika. 105 00:03:55,017 --> 00:03:57,367 We already have a plan to meet up for hot dogs at Target. 106 00:03:57,411 --> 00:03:58,890 Grace is working. 107 00:03:58,934 --> 00:04:00,370 - VIP treatment. 108 00:04:00,414 --> 00:04:03,286 Trust us, it's fun. - It's really fun. 109 00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:05,419 - Fun is not important. - Wrong. 110 00:04:05,462 --> 00:04:07,334 - Do you wanna nail the A.P. Bio exam 111 00:04:07,377 --> 00:04:08,726 and go to college or not? 112 00:04:08,770 --> 00:04:11,338 - Uh, college is going to be pretty sick. 113 00:04:11,381 --> 00:04:14,602 Eating ramen and snatching V-cards. 114 00:04:14,645 --> 00:04:15,559 We're in. 115 00:04:15,603 --> 00:04:17,692 - Meet back here at dark. 116 00:04:17,735 --> 00:04:20,172 - What--what time is dark? 117 00:04:20,216 --> 00:04:21,391 - 8:00. 118 00:04:21,435 --> 00:04:22,827 What time does "Room Raiders" come on? 119 00:04:22,871 --> 00:04:24,916 - It's--it's early. - It's, like, 7:30. 120 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:27,267 [all giggling] 121 00:04:27,310 --> 00:04:29,138 - Last year the murderer kept putting 122 00:04:29,181 --> 00:04:30,618 the kill stickers on our butts! 123 00:04:30,661 --> 00:04:34,317 - Buttholes! Okay, I'm telling you, she aimed. 124 00:04:34,361 --> 00:04:35,666 - [chuckles] 125 00:04:35,710 --> 00:04:37,538 - I would not miss this party for anything. 126 00:04:37,581 --> 00:04:39,540 Unless my mom wakes up. 127 00:04:39,583 --> 00:04:42,499 Oh, and I just love the theme this year. 128 00:04:42,543 --> 00:04:45,459 - I know! Murder at Whitlock High 129 00:04:45,502 --> 00:04:48,113 Instead of playing, like, butlers and aging starlets, 130 00:04:48,157 --> 00:04:49,419 we get to play each other! 131 00:04:49,463 --> 00:04:50,725 - Ooh, are you going to Michelle's 132 00:04:50,768 --> 00:04:53,641 murder mystery party, Jackie Chan? 133 00:04:53,684 --> 00:04:55,251 - Ah, I can't unfortunately. 134 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:57,906 I've got firm plans to sort through my junk mail. 135 00:04:57,949 --> 00:04:59,429 - Jack, you've got to go! 136 00:04:59,473 --> 00:05:01,388 I--I can pick you up in any car you want. 137 00:05:01,431 --> 00:05:02,780 I have a trick that I use at Enterprise. 138 00:05:02,824 --> 00:05:05,305 You ask for a 15 passenger van. 139 00:05:05,348 --> 00:05:06,828 They never have one 140 00:05:06,871 --> 00:05:10,092 and then you drive off in whatever sweet ride you choose. 141 00:05:10,135 --> 00:05:11,963 [all cheering] 142 00:05:12,007 --> 00:05:14,488 - I can't wait to play one of you guys this year. 143 00:05:14,531 --> 00:05:16,490 - Oh, you guys talking murder party? 144 00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:17,926 - Yup. Uh, you're still coming, right? 145 00:05:17,969 --> 00:05:20,189 - Of course. I'm the reigning champ. 146 00:05:20,232 --> 00:05:23,105 Last year, I solved the mystery in 47 minutes. 147 00:05:23,148 --> 00:05:26,326 Broke Durbin's record and he is a brilliant detective. 148 00:05:26,369 --> 00:05:27,849 [all chuckling] 149 00:05:27,892 --> 00:05:29,720 - Hey, well, my ex-wife always called me Sherlock. 150 00:05:29,764 --> 00:05:31,809 Like when I would ask her, "Hey, are you cheating on me?" 151 00:05:31,853 --> 00:05:33,681 And she would go, "What do you think, Sherlock?" 152 00:05:33,724 --> 00:05:35,596 And I also solved the mystery 153 00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:37,380 of my neighbor's missing penis. 154 00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:40,165 Turns out, it was inside my wife. 155 00:05:40,209 --> 00:05:41,906 Oh! 156 00:05:41,950 --> 00:05:44,996 [laughing] 157 00:05:45,867 --> 00:05:48,348 Feels good to laugh. - [chuckles awkwardly] 158 00:05:48,957 --> 00:05:51,176 - Yeah, so it took you 47 minutes 159 00:05:51,220 --> 00:05:53,004 to solve a silly parlor game? 160 00:05:53,048 --> 00:05:54,919 - Oh, you think you can do it faster? 161 00:05:54,963 --> 00:05:56,486 - Oh, I know I can. 162 00:05:56,530 --> 00:05:58,619 - Game on. - Okay. 163 00:05:59,402 --> 00:06:00,882 - [chuckles] - Ooh-la-la. 164 00:06:00,925 --> 00:06:03,580 - Looks like someone is trying to impress someone. 165 00:06:03,624 --> 00:06:05,800 - Yeah, well, if that first someone is me 166 00:06:05,843 --> 00:06:07,976 and that second someone is Lynette 167 00:06:08,019 --> 00:06:09,673 then someone is correct. 168 00:06:09,717 --> 00:06:11,849 - Ooh! - [chuckles] 169 00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:13,808 I was gesturing to you. You're that other someone. 170 00:06:13,851 --> 00:06:15,549 [school bell ringing] - Damn it, Jack. 171 00:06:15,592 --> 00:06:17,768 You used up the rest of our break time for that nonsense? 172 00:06:17,812 --> 00:06:20,205 - Right. - And that someone is you. 173 00:06:20,249 --> 00:06:21,816 - Boo! - Come on. 174 00:06:24,558 --> 00:06:24,949 . 175 00:06:24,993 --> 00:06:27,604 [mysterious music] 176 00:06:27,648 --> 00:06:28,736 ♪ 177 00:06:28,779 --> 00:06:30,607 - I can't believe they had one! 178 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:35,220 - [groans] 179 00:06:40,661 --> 00:06:42,402 - [clears throat] 180 00:06:42,445 --> 00:06:45,013 Welcome to hell. 181 00:06:45,056 --> 00:06:46,667 [synthesized dramatic music] 182 00:06:46,710 --> 00:06:48,669 If you find a sticker on you, 183 00:06:48,712 --> 00:06:51,585 you've been murdered. 184 00:06:51,628 --> 00:06:53,195 ♪ 185 00:06:53,238 --> 00:06:54,370 - Hmm. 186 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,198 - Keith will be providing the ambiance. 187 00:06:56,241 --> 00:06:57,634 [synthetic thunder roaring] 188 00:06:57,678 --> 00:06:59,027 I really do love you so much. 189 00:06:59,070 --> 00:07:00,507 - I love you. I'm--I'm also in love with you. 190 00:07:00,550 --> 00:07:02,160 I remain in love with you. - You stay perfect. 191 00:07:02,204 --> 00:07:05,512 - Thanks for coming everyone and welcome to hell. 192 00:07:05,555 --> 00:07:08,210 [woman screaming] 193 00:07:08,253 --> 00:07:11,169 - You're all to remain in character as each other. 194 00:07:11,213 --> 00:07:13,215 The game ends when someone catches the murderer 195 00:07:13,258 --> 00:07:17,132 in the act or the murderer kills us all. 196 00:07:17,175 --> 00:07:19,874 Winner gets this trophy. 197 00:07:19,917 --> 00:07:21,136 - Ooh! - Sweet. 198 00:07:21,179 --> 00:07:23,530 - Yes, queen. Yes! 199 00:07:23,573 --> 00:07:26,707 - Wow, you know what? I see you, Coach. 200 00:07:26,750 --> 00:07:28,404 [chuckles] I see you. 201 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,579 - We begin with-- 202 00:07:29,623 --> 00:07:32,321 [gasps] A murder! 203 00:07:32,364 --> 00:07:34,323 ♪ 204 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,718 - It's you, Dave. - No, it's not! 205 00:07:37,761 --> 00:07:39,371 - If you would lay down, 206 00:07:39,415 --> 00:07:41,417 you're our kickoff murder victim this year! 207 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:43,463 - I was the first victim last year! 208 00:07:43,506 --> 00:07:45,639 I drove all the way from Morenci for this. 209 00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:46,988 - We know, Dave. - Down. 210 00:07:47,031 --> 00:07:48,337 - I mean, I just loaded up. 211 00:07:48,380 --> 00:07:50,426 I--I, you know, I haven't taken a bite yet. 212 00:07:50,470 --> 00:07:51,993 - Down. - We know. We know. 213 00:07:52,036 --> 00:07:54,125 - Dave, come on. - Really. 214 00:07:54,169 --> 00:07:55,779 You all want that? all: Yes! 215 00:07:55,823 --> 00:07:57,564 - Well, keep your eyes open. - It just doesn't seem fair. 216 00:07:57,607 --> 00:07:58,913 I mean, two years in a row. 217 00:07:58,956 --> 00:08:00,480 Uh, but--what would you do if it was-- 218 00:08:00,523 --> 00:08:01,916 it's just not right! 219 00:08:01,959 --> 00:08:04,396 - Down, David. - I don't wanna do it. 220 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:08,705 I'm laying down because I respect the rules of the game. 221 00:08:08,749 --> 00:08:11,186 I live in Morenci. Ugh! 222 00:08:12,056 --> 00:08:14,537 - And I believe you all have your assignments. 223 00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:18,019 Let the games begin! 224 00:08:18,062 --> 00:08:19,586 ♪ 225 00:08:19,629 --> 00:08:21,936 - Clock's ticking. 226 00:08:21,979 --> 00:08:23,546 - Um, oh, J'accuse! 227 00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:25,809 [laughing] J'accuse. Yeah, Michelle? 228 00:08:25,853 --> 00:08:28,203 Your music-y husband there with the too-much-equipment. 229 00:08:28,246 --> 00:08:29,900 Yup, I see him touching Mary's elbow there. 230 00:08:29,944 --> 00:08:32,294 Why don't you check your elbow? I bet you'll find a sticker. 231 00:08:32,337 --> 00:08:34,905 - Oh, I--I just wanted to feel the fabric. 232 00:08:34,949 --> 00:08:37,299 I'm kind of a textile head. 233 00:08:37,342 --> 00:08:40,128 - Wait, you're Helen? 234 00:08:40,171 --> 00:08:41,303 I'm Helen! 235 00:08:41,346 --> 00:08:42,652 - Maybe that's a clue! 236 00:08:42,696 --> 00:08:46,134 Or maybe it's a-- 237 00:08:46,177 --> 00:08:49,659 [spooky] Mistake! 238 00:08:49,703 --> 00:08:52,662 [mischievous music] 239 00:08:52,706 --> 00:08:56,927 ♪ 240 00:08:56,971 --> 00:08:58,581 - [quietly] Okay. 241 00:08:58,625 --> 00:09:00,888 - Let's go. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! 242 00:09:00,931 --> 00:09:04,935 ♪ 243 00:09:04,979 --> 00:09:07,503 - Whoa, the faculty lounge. 244 00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:10,550 This is where the teachers talk about what pills they use. 245 00:09:10,593 --> 00:09:12,247 - Wait. - Come on, Sarika. 246 00:09:12,290 --> 00:09:14,945 - No. No, you guys. 247 00:09:14,989 --> 00:09:16,294 [sighs] 248 00:09:16,338 --> 00:09:17,600 [mellow music playing] 249 00:09:17,644 --> 00:09:21,561 - [gasps] The murderer has struck again! 250 00:09:21,604 --> 00:09:22,910 - Uh-oh! 251 00:09:22,953 --> 00:09:25,129 - Oh, ooh. 252 00:09:25,173 --> 00:09:26,522 - Oh, he snuck a drink in there, didn't he? 253 00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,350 [all chuckling] - [groans dramatically] 254 00:09:28,393 --> 00:09:31,179 - Who amongst us shall be next? 255 00:09:31,222 --> 00:09:33,355 - Oh, I--I hope it's not me. 256 00:09:33,398 --> 00:09:35,139 I live in Morenci. 257 00:09:35,183 --> 00:09:36,619 [all laughing] 258 00:09:36,663 --> 00:09:38,186 - He's--he's still doing Dave. - That's good. 259 00:09:38,229 --> 00:09:39,753 That was really good. - Get him, Durb! 260 00:09:39,796 --> 00:09:41,319 - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 261 00:09:41,363 --> 00:09:42,799 Who's--who's over there near Fred? 262 00:09:42,843 --> 00:09:44,714 Helen, you were over there. 263 00:09:44,758 --> 00:09:46,020 You're the murderer. 264 00:09:46,063 --> 00:09:47,238 - I mean, you seem nervous. 265 00:09:47,282 --> 00:09:48,849 - No, I'm not--I'm not-- I'm not-- 266 00:09:48,892 --> 00:09:51,242 - Which, you know, makes sense because you are 25 minutes in 267 00:09:51,286 --> 00:09:54,506 and it looks like that record is slipping away. 268 00:09:54,550 --> 00:09:56,204 You only have two accusations left. 269 00:09:56,247 --> 00:09:57,727 - Look, it doesn't matter because I'm gonna-- 270 00:09:57,771 --> 00:09:59,555 I'm gonna-- - Tick tock, tick tock. 271 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,165 - Well, that's fine because I'm just gonna-- 272 00:10:01,209 --> 00:10:02,558 I'm gonna go ahead and end this right now. 273 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:04,386 Michelle, I have an accusation to make. 274 00:10:04,429 --> 00:10:06,693 I accuse Helen of murder! J'accuse, j'accuse! 275 00:10:06,736 --> 00:10:08,129 - What? 276 00:10:08,172 --> 00:10:10,958 - Okay, thanks. Remember, you're playing coach. 277 00:10:11,001 --> 00:10:12,568 He doesn't know French. 278 00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,265 - I know enough. 279 00:10:14,875 --> 00:10:18,400 ♪ 280 00:10:18,443 --> 00:10:21,229 - Tell me the truth, Mary. Did you put the sticker on him? 281 00:10:21,272 --> 00:10:23,100 - Hey, no Mary here. 282 00:10:23,144 --> 00:10:25,276 Fake Mary's over there, laying down, 283 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,061 wear a pair of boner-killing khakis 284 00:10:27,104 --> 00:10:28,845 that no woman would ever wear. 285 00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:30,412 - That is not true! 286 00:10:30,455 --> 00:10:32,283 I borrowed these from my wife! 287 00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:34,895 - "I borrowed these from my wife!" 288 00:10:34,938 --> 00:10:37,549 [all laughing] - Get him, Durb! 289 00:10:37,593 --> 00:10:40,204 - What's your favorite type of brown coffee? 290 00:10:41,379 --> 00:10:43,468 - Folgers. - Me too. 291 00:10:43,512 --> 00:10:46,428 - There's a lot of half-eaten salads in here. 292 00:10:46,471 --> 00:10:48,648 I'm just gonna take a Cobb. 293 00:10:48,691 --> 00:10:51,085 My parents paid for it with their tax dollars. 294 00:10:51,128 --> 00:10:52,434 - Guys. [both exclaim] 295 00:10:52,477 --> 00:10:54,349 - Stop goofing around. 296 00:10:54,392 --> 00:10:56,090 I got the key. 297 00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:57,961 Let's get these tests. 298 00:10:58,745 --> 00:11:01,617 - Hi, Helen. I'm Jack, I'm an Ivy Leaguer 299 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:04,751 and I'm not the murder because I'm too busy stomping around 300 00:11:04,794 --> 00:11:08,102 and grumping around and, uh, shopping for sweaters. 301 00:11:08,145 --> 00:11:09,669 - [chuckles] Yes! 302 00:11:09,712 --> 00:11:12,715 And howdy, I'm Helen and I'm not the murderer 303 00:11:12,759 --> 00:11:15,805 because I'm too busy buying sweatshirts. 304 00:11:15,849 --> 00:11:18,895 [cackling] 305 00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:22,986 - Wow. 306 00:11:23,030 --> 00:11:24,640 You bitch. 307 00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:27,643 [upbeat party music playing] 308 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,210 ♪ 309 00:11:29,253 --> 00:11:31,299 - Did you just touch my back? Did you put a sticker on me? 310 00:11:31,342 --> 00:11:33,127 Dude. - Hey, hey Jack. 311 00:11:33,170 --> 00:11:34,868 - What are you doing? - Whoa! 312 00:11:34,911 --> 00:11:36,304 Have you solved it yet? 313 00:11:36,347 --> 00:11:37,740 'Cause your time is nearly up. 314 00:11:37,784 --> 00:11:39,568 - Yeah, you know what? I think I got it. 315 00:11:39,611 --> 00:11:41,396 I'm gonna make a-- I'm gonna j'accuse. 316 00:11:41,439 --> 00:11:43,572 Check this out. - All right. 317 00:11:43,615 --> 00:11:45,139 - A food drive? both: Yeah. 318 00:11:45,182 --> 00:11:47,184 - Hey, ladies. - Oh, Jack. Hi. 319 00:11:47,228 --> 00:11:48,185 - Hi. - Hi! 320 00:11:48,229 --> 00:11:49,578 - Yeah, save it, lady. 321 00:11:49,621 --> 00:11:51,275 I saw you over by the snack table earlier. 322 00:11:51,319 --> 00:11:53,887 Yeah, where Ms. Malinowski got stickered? 323 00:11:53,930 --> 00:11:55,410 - [chuckles] Oh, no! 324 00:11:55,453 --> 00:11:57,978 - Oh, I'm onto you, you sneaky son of a bitch. 325 00:11:58,021 --> 00:12:00,241 [chuckles] - Excuse me? 326 00:12:00,284 --> 00:12:02,634 - Uh, yeah, if I reach into your pocket right now, 327 00:12:02,678 --> 00:12:04,419 what am I gonna find? I think I'm gonna-- 328 00:12:04,462 --> 00:12:05,855 well, I think I'm just gonna find a-- 329 00:12:05,899 --> 00:12:08,162 Ow! Why do you have forks in your pocket? 330 00:12:08,205 --> 00:12:09,772 - Okay, Jack, Jack, take it easy. 331 00:12:09,816 --> 00:12:11,774 - Oh, go easy. Let's go-- everybody go easy. 332 00:12:11,818 --> 00:12:13,602 No, no, no, I'm sorry, Ralph, but I'm trying to play the game. 333 00:12:13,645 --> 00:12:15,169 Isn't that why we're here? To play the game? 334 00:12:15,212 --> 00:12:16,736 All right, you--you know what? You guys are just jealous 335 00:12:16,779 --> 00:12:18,476 'cause I'm gonna break the record. 336 00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:20,348 That's--that's what it is. 'Cause I'm--I'm a winner. 337 00:12:20,391 --> 00:12:22,132 Yeah, I'm the smartest guy here! 338 00:12:22,176 --> 00:12:23,830 [chuckles] And I'm going to be at home eating that cookie cake 339 00:12:23,873 --> 00:12:25,440 while you guys are in your beds 340 00:12:25,483 --> 00:12:27,181 pulling stickers out of your buttholes! 341 00:12:27,224 --> 00:12:28,486 both: Hmm? 342 00:12:29,923 --> 00:12:31,489 You know what? I--you know what I'm gonna do? 343 00:12:31,533 --> 00:12:33,578 I'm gonna go to the kitchen. 344 00:12:35,493 --> 00:12:37,800 Mavis, we're gonna need those forks back, okay? 345 00:12:37,844 --> 00:12:39,193 - Hmm? 346 00:12:39,236 --> 00:12:40,324 [forks clinking] 347 00:12:40,368 --> 00:12:41,717 [upbeat music] 348 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,458 - I don't know if she heard me or not. 349 00:12:45,939 --> 00:12:46,156 . 350 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,984 - [chuckles] 351 00:12:48,028 --> 00:12:50,204 [snap] - Oh, God. 352 00:12:50,987 --> 00:12:53,120 That was an awesome meltdown. 353 00:12:53,163 --> 00:12:55,687 - Well, you sure seem like you enjoyed it. 354 00:12:55,731 --> 00:12:58,473 - "I'm the smartest one here"? I mean, that was spectacular. 355 00:12:58,516 --> 00:12:59,866 - Mm-hmm. By the way, 356 00:12:59,909 --> 00:13:01,955 why are you carrying that folder around? 357 00:13:01,998 --> 00:13:03,870 - Durbin always has a folder. 358 00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:06,263 - No, he doesn't. - Yes, he does. 359 00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:08,265 - J'accuse. - What? 360 00:13:08,309 --> 00:13:09,614 - J'accuse! Let me see this thing. 361 00:13:09,658 --> 00:13:10,833 What's in here? 362 00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:13,357 Oh-ho-ho! You're the killer! 363 00:13:13,401 --> 00:13:14,837 Ho-ho! I win. I win, what time is it? 364 00:13:14,881 --> 00:13:16,143 Did I-- did I break the record? 365 00:13:16,186 --> 00:13:17,622 - There's just one problem. - What? 366 00:13:17,666 --> 00:13:19,537 - You died ten seconds ago. 367 00:13:19,581 --> 00:13:21,017 [chuckles] 368 00:13:21,061 --> 00:13:22,845 - What did you--oh, when you came in. 369 00:13:22,889 --> 00:13:24,542 - Mm-hmm. Yeah. - Yeah, oh, damn it. 370 00:13:24,586 --> 00:13:27,067 - You know, if we form an alliance, 371 00:13:27,110 --> 00:13:30,418 I think I can win and end this game in record time. 372 00:13:30,461 --> 00:13:31,680 - What's in it for me? 373 00:13:31,723 --> 00:13:34,770 - 10,000 cookie cake calories. 374 00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,250 - Mmm, I love cookie cakes. I'm in. 375 00:13:36,293 --> 00:13:38,861 - Dial that coach thing up to, like, an 11. 376 00:13:38,905 --> 00:13:40,384 - [Southern accent] I can handle that. 377 00:13:40,428 --> 00:13:43,213 - [chuckling] That's good. Let's go kill our friends. 378 00:13:43,257 --> 00:13:46,390 [Joan Jett & The Blackhearts' "I Love Rock 'N Roll" plays] 379 00:13:46,434 --> 00:13:49,959 ♪ 380 00:13:50,003 --> 00:13:52,353 - Strong enough for a man, strong enough for a woman. 381 00:13:52,396 --> 00:13:54,964 Who gives a rip? It's all deodorant. 382 00:13:55,008 --> 00:13:56,792 [gunshot, knife clangs] - So good. 383 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,359 - [laughs] - I liked it. 384 00:13:58,402 --> 00:14:00,230 - I thought I was talking to coach. 385 00:14:00,274 --> 00:14:02,537 - Now a mesh short, that'll let 'em breathe, 386 00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:05,018 but spandex will save you from the chafe. 387 00:14:05,061 --> 00:14:07,498 - Bingo, but you still got a talc. 388 00:14:07,542 --> 00:14:09,109 - Oh, ya got a talc. 389 00:14:09,152 --> 00:14:10,893 - Yeah! [knife clangs] 390 00:14:10,937 --> 00:14:13,069 - Any dope with a dingus can be a father, 391 00:14:13,113 --> 00:14:16,594 but it takes a real man to be a dad. 392 00:14:16,638 --> 00:14:18,292 Get on in here champ! 393 00:14:18,335 --> 00:14:20,381 Huh? Give us a hug? 394 00:14:20,424 --> 00:14:22,905 [gunshots] 395 00:14:22,949 --> 00:14:25,125 - ♪ I love rock and roll 396 00:14:25,168 --> 00:14:27,692 ♪ So come and take the time and dance with me ♪ 397 00:14:27,736 --> 00:14:29,390 - Oh, heck. 398 00:14:30,130 --> 00:14:32,654 How does a Harvard man die? 399 00:14:32,697 --> 00:14:34,308 Uh... 400 00:14:34,351 --> 00:14:36,440 Oh, treachery! 401 00:14:36,484 --> 00:14:38,790 Oh, sweet dagger! 402 00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:40,792 Horatio, I'm dying. 403 00:14:40,836 --> 00:14:43,926 Oh, my kingdom for a horse! 404 00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:46,015 Ooh, ooh. 405 00:14:46,059 --> 00:14:47,712 [funeral dirge playing] 406 00:14:47,756 --> 00:14:49,323 Ow, I'm Jack! 407 00:14:49,366 --> 00:14:51,064 - That is-- that's how you would die. 408 00:14:51,107 --> 00:14:52,979 [chuckling] Leg work, okay. 409 00:14:53,022 --> 00:14:55,242 - Oh, no! Your butt got murdered again! 410 00:14:55,285 --> 00:14:56,634 - Oh, no, wait. Let me see yours. 411 00:14:56,678 --> 00:14:57,984 Let me see. 412 00:14:58,027 --> 00:14:59,855 Oh, it got you too! - [groans] 413 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,291 - Oh, girl, let's go die at a wine table. 414 00:15:01,335 --> 00:15:02,814 - Come on. - Man! 415 00:15:02,858 --> 00:15:05,643 - Oh, hell. I'm out. - Me too. 416 00:15:05,687 --> 00:15:07,123 - [grunting] 417 00:15:07,167 --> 00:15:10,605 [dramatic synthesized music] 418 00:15:10,648 --> 00:15:13,608 [suspenseful music] 419 00:15:13,651 --> 00:15:20,876 ♪ 420 00:15:36,761 --> 00:15:39,199 all: Whoa! 421 00:15:39,808 --> 00:15:40,940 - Not too fast, not too fast! 422 00:15:40,983 --> 00:15:43,768 [all cheering] 423 00:15:43,812 --> 00:15:46,597 - You guys, I did it! I got the tests from Mr. Griffin's desk! 424 00:15:46,641 --> 00:15:49,165 - We just found the janitors' mops and we're gonna joust. 425 00:15:49,209 --> 00:15:51,037 - We are not supposed to be having fun. 426 00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:52,952 There's no question on the Harvard application 427 00:15:52,995 --> 00:15:55,215 about how much fun I had in high school. 428 00:15:57,086 --> 00:15:58,958 [sighs] Look. 429 00:15:59,001 --> 00:16:00,742 I know I'm a lot. 430 00:16:00,785 --> 00:16:02,222 I know nobody likes me. 431 00:16:02,265 --> 00:16:04,920 - We like you Sarika. Right, guys? 432 00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:06,878 - Yeah, you're fun. - You're hardcore. 433 00:16:06,922 --> 00:16:08,968 - You're my best friend. 434 00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:10,491 - Oh. 435 00:16:11,622 --> 00:16:12,972 Thank you. 436 00:16:13,015 --> 00:16:15,800 - So what do you say? 437 00:16:15,844 --> 00:16:18,934 [imitates lances swishing] 438 00:16:19,935 --> 00:16:22,285 [upbeat rock music] 439 00:16:22,329 --> 00:16:23,765 - I guess I could do one joust. 440 00:16:23,808 --> 00:16:25,201 [all cheering] 441 00:16:25,245 --> 00:16:27,029 Just so we can get out of here. 442 00:16:27,073 --> 00:16:28,988 - Aim for the soft meat! - Shut up. 443 00:16:29,031 --> 00:16:30,163 ♪ 444 00:16:30,206 --> 00:16:32,382 - Three, two, one. 445 00:16:32,426 --> 00:16:33,993 ♪ 446 00:16:34,036 --> 00:16:36,952 - [yelling, chuckling] Oh, my God! 447 00:16:37,605 --> 00:16:38,780 - That was amazing. 448 00:16:38,823 --> 00:16:40,564 That was amazing. - That was good. 449 00:16:40,608 --> 00:16:42,218 - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. 450 00:16:42,262 --> 00:16:43,741 Are you not gonna tell them that you're the murderer? 451 00:16:43,785 --> 00:16:46,962 - No, I think I want it to be a mystery forever. 452 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,616 Kind of like a Zodiac Killer type of thing. 453 00:16:48,659 --> 00:16:50,052 - Ooh! 454 00:16:50,096 --> 00:16:51,358 hey, so, I don't know if you noticed, 455 00:16:51,401 --> 00:16:53,142 but I grabbed your trophy on the way out. 456 00:16:53,186 --> 00:16:54,491 It's a delicious looking cookie cake. 457 00:16:54,535 --> 00:16:57,103 Are you just gonna eat it by yourself or...? 458 00:16:57,146 --> 00:16:59,235 I mean, technically, half this thing's mine, 459 00:16:59,279 --> 00:17:02,673 so if you wanted to go somewhere and split it. 460 00:17:02,717 --> 00:17:05,111 - You know what I've always wanted to do? 461 00:17:06,634 --> 00:17:08,897 To kick a field goal. 462 00:17:08,940 --> 00:17:11,639 - Right now? - What, you busy? 463 00:17:12,770 --> 00:17:13,945 - No. 464 00:17:13,989 --> 00:17:16,209 [sneaky music] 465 00:17:18,994 --> 00:17:19,168 . 466 00:17:19,212 --> 00:17:21,518 - [announcer voice] And here's the kick! 467 00:17:24,391 --> 00:17:27,176 - Going, going, it's gone! 468 00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:29,309 - It's good! [chuckling] 469 00:17:29,352 --> 00:17:30,484 Oh! 470 00:17:30,527 --> 00:17:32,747 You know, it's true what they say. 471 00:17:32,790 --> 00:17:35,445 I am great at football. 472 00:17:35,489 --> 00:17:36,664 - Yes, you are. 473 00:17:36,707 --> 00:17:37,839 - Okay, who wants to go next? 474 00:17:37,882 --> 00:17:39,232 Heather, You want some of this? 475 00:17:39,275 --> 00:17:41,190 - Bitch, I was born to joust you. 476 00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:43,236 - Oh! [chuckles] 477 00:17:43,279 --> 00:17:44,585 - Hey, can you guys let me know 478 00:17:44,628 --> 00:17:46,761 if you find, like, a little screw? 479 00:17:46,804 --> 00:17:49,068 - Let's do it! - Three, two, one, roll! 480 00:17:49,111 --> 00:17:50,243 - [yelling] 481 00:17:50,286 --> 00:17:51,461 - Anthony, watch out! 482 00:17:51,505 --> 00:17:53,115 - [exclaims] [thudding] 483 00:17:53,159 --> 00:17:54,682 [all chuckling] 484 00:17:54,725 --> 00:17:57,119 - Hey, what are you kids doing in here? 485 00:17:57,163 --> 00:17:58,512 - Run! 486 00:17:58,555 --> 00:17:59,817 [all kids yelling] 487 00:17:59,861 --> 00:18:02,646 - Really? Come back! - Go, go! Aah! 488 00:18:02,690 --> 00:18:05,084 - Stop! Stop right there! 489 00:18:06,172 --> 00:18:07,260 Stop! 490 00:18:07,303 --> 00:18:10,176 - [screams] - Go, go, go! 491 00:18:11,046 --> 00:18:14,397 - Sarika, the tests! - Oh, no. 492 00:18:14,441 --> 00:18:16,486 You know what? Leave them. 493 00:18:16,530 --> 00:18:17,574 Go, go, go! Oh, my God! 494 00:18:17,618 --> 00:18:19,141 This is so much fun! 495 00:18:19,185 --> 00:18:22,318 - Seriously, can I tell you something that 496 00:18:22,362 --> 00:18:23,798 might be hard to hear? 497 00:18:23,841 --> 00:18:25,626 - Oh, absolutely. I can't wait to hear this. 498 00:18:25,669 --> 00:18:27,280 - [clears throat] 499 00:18:27,323 --> 00:18:28,716 You impression of Coach sucked. 500 00:18:28,759 --> 00:18:30,805 - Oh, no, - It was bad. 501 00:18:30,848 --> 00:18:32,459 - No, my Coach was excellent. 502 00:18:32,502 --> 00:18:35,157 - I, on the other hand... - Mm-hmm. 503 00:18:35,201 --> 00:18:36,506 - I did a perfect Durbin. 504 00:18:36,550 --> 00:18:37,725 - Yeah, it was pretty good. 505 00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:39,640 - In fact, I'm still doing Durbin. 506 00:18:40,467 --> 00:18:41,816 Everything I've said tonight. Durbin. 507 00:18:41,859 --> 00:18:43,296 - Really. - Mm-hmm. 508 00:18:43,339 --> 00:18:45,515 - Ev--everything you're saying and doing right now, 509 00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:47,169 that's not you, that's you doing Durbin? 510 00:18:47,213 --> 00:18:49,215 - Every single thing. 511 00:18:52,522 --> 00:18:53,871 - How about now? 512 00:18:56,657 --> 00:18:59,007 - Yeah. - Really, still Durbin? 513 00:18:59,050 --> 00:19:00,878 - Still Durbin. 514 00:19:00,922 --> 00:19:03,054 - Still Durbin? - Still Durbin. 515 00:19:03,098 --> 00:19:06,145 - How about right now? - Yep. 516 00:19:06,188 --> 00:19:09,104 [soft music] 517 00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:12,194 ♪ 518 00:19:12,238 --> 00:19:14,544 - You need to sign your permission slips! 519 00:19:14,588 --> 00:19:16,329 - Oh, Ralph. 520 00:19:16,372 --> 00:19:19,332 [both chuckling] 521 00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:20,507 ♪ 522 00:19:20,550 --> 00:19:22,161 [all yelling] 523 00:19:22,204 --> 00:19:24,206 - Whoa, guys, guys! Stop, stop, stop, stop. 524 00:19:24,250 --> 00:19:25,642 Is that Mr. Griffin? 525 00:19:25,686 --> 00:19:27,862 - Yeah. That's that payroll lady he lies. 526 00:19:27,905 --> 00:19:29,907 - Aww. - Get some! 527 00:19:29,951 --> 00:19:31,344 [footsteps approaching rapidly] 528 00:19:31,387 --> 00:19:33,433 - Let's go! Let's go, let's go, let's go! 529 00:19:33,476 --> 00:19:35,304 Let's go! 530 00:19:35,348 --> 00:19:38,046 [mischievous music] 531 00:19:38,089 --> 00:19:39,743 ♪ 532 00:19:39,787 --> 00:19:42,181 - Everyone's having fun but me. 533 00:19:47,534 --> 00:19:48,926 - So what do you think? 534 00:19:48,970 --> 00:19:51,277 You'll sign with the Chargers, Patriots? 535 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:52,452 - Ooh. - Me? 536 00:19:52,495 --> 00:19:54,062 I'm probably heading to Green Bay. 537 00:19:54,105 --> 00:19:55,629 - Yeah, you know what? I-- I think I'd think I'd sign 538 00:19:55,672 --> 00:19:58,414 with any of them to get out of Toledo. 539 00:19:58,458 --> 00:19:59,763 - You don't like living in Toledo? 540 00:19:59,807 --> 00:20:01,330 - God, no. No. [scoffs] 541 00:20:01,374 --> 00:20:03,158 Can't wait to get out of here. 542 00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:05,813 I'm thinking probably Tokyo, maybe Berlin. 543 00:20:05,856 --> 00:20:07,815 You know, London if a lot goes wrong. 544 00:20:08,685 --> 00:20:10,383 - Okay, well, I'm here to stay. 545 00:20:10,426 --> 00:20:12,559 - [chuckles] 546 00:20:12,602 --> 00:20:15,301 Oh. Come on, really? 547 00:20:15,344 --> 00:20:17,216 - Yeah. 548 00:20:17,259 --> 00:20:18,608 I love Toledo. 549 00:20:20,044 --> 00:20:21,655 - Okay. 550 00:20:21,698 --> 00:20:24,353 Well, I... 551 00:20:24,397 --> 00:20:26,050 don't like it. 552 00:20:27,182 --> 00:20:29,228 [scoffs] Yeah. 553 00:20:31,491 --> 00:20:33,710 - [clears throat] 554 00:20:41,327 --> 00:20:42,937 all: Bye! - Drive safe! 555 00:20:42,980 --> 00:20:46,636 - Great party, guys. - Okay, that's the last one. 556 00:20:47,376 --> 00:20:49,422 [Mayer Hawthorne's "Just Ain't Gonna Work Out" plays] 557 00:20:49,465 --> 00:20:51,293 - ♪ Don't wanna see your tears ♪ 558 00:20:51,337 --> 00:20:53,861 - Yeah, I have been waiting for this all night. 559 00:20:53,904 --> 00:20:55,297 - Then get off those jeans. 560 00:20:55,341 --> 00:20:57,473 - My sweater is tucked all the way into my underwear. 561 00:20:57,517 --> 00:20:58,779 - You got something for me? 562 00:20:58,822 --> 00:21:00,259 You wanna see that? - Oh, yeah, I do. 563 00:21:00,302 --> 00:21:01,782 - How about this one? - The other one too. 564 00:21:01,825 --> 00:21:03,131 - Who's the Devil? - You're the Devil. 565 00:21:03,174 --> 00:21:04,828 - You're the Devil tonight. I'm more the-- 566 00:21:04,872 --> 00:21:06,656 - Um, guys, I'm still here. 567 00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:08,441 - Oh, my God! - Dave, get out! 568 00:21:08,484 --> 00:21:09,790 - Right. - Get out of here! 569 00:21:09,833 --> 00:21:10,965 - Get out! Go! - Yeah, I'm leaving. 570 00:21:11,008 --> 00:21:12,314 - He saw my shoulder, Keith. 571 00:21:12,358 --> 00:21:13,881 - He saw--you saw my baby's shoulder. 572 00:21:13,924 --> 00:21:16,231 - Go! Idiot! - I'm leaving! 573 00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:18,799 - Oh, God. I don't feel like it now. 574 00:21:18,842 --> 00:21:21,018 - [scoffs] Dave! - I'm gonna...