.
all: 17!
18!
19!
- Sarika, he's gonna break the record!
- Okie dokie, everybody.
Sit down and start to shut up.
[kids groaning]
Uh--oh, hey.
Kudos for you guys acting like normal teens.
Normally when I walk in here
it's like a freaking creep show.
[thud]
I just found out today that
I have a mailbox here at this school.
Who knew?
- My family's mailbox
is a tiny replica of our actual house.
I like to imagine a tiny Victor lives in there
and that my house is a mailbox for an even bigger Victor.
- Good to know, Vic.
- All right, Sarika, I need you to separate out
all the mail order catalogues, okay?
The junk mail's great research for my book.
I want to examine why people find happiness
through the consumption of ridiculous products.
So, uh, who here has parents that have bought things
off of an infomercial?
- My mom swears by the Ped-Scraper.
It's like this potato peeler for the dead skin on your feet.
It reveals her glowing, sexy foot
without the price of a spa.
- Hmm, guys, I can't be the only one who cuts him off.
All right, now who else has something?
- Hey, yo, Jackie. Jackie.
Yeah, man. Over here, man.
Check this out. You ready for this?
- I am. - So, yo, you ready?
- Yes.
- If I told you that you can cook an egg inside your pocket
while you're in the gym, would you buy it?
- Is that real?
- These are the A.P. Bio practice exams!
- Yeah, well, Sarika, you don't really need
to practice for something you're never going to do.
[pensive music]
[rip]
♪
All right, who else here has a house filled with,
like, infomercial crap?
Marissa! You seem like you probably got
a couple of hoarders in your household.
- Pappy loves treasure. - I bet.
- You will hand over the practice tests right now
or I'm gonna show everyone these.
- What are those?
[suspenseful music]
♪
This is pictures of me and Lynette.
[chuckles] Wow, these are-- these are great.
Sarika, did you take these?
That's very creepy of you, but these are really good shots.
Can I keep these? - Yes.
- And just so you know, I'm a grown-up ass man
and I don't get embarrassed when I like someone.
- Same here. I like Grace.
No, I--I'm embarrassed.
That was embarrassing.
[Ramones' "Listen to My Heart"]
- One, two, three, four!
- ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪
♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪
♪
- [laughing]
- Mr. Jack Griffin.
- You, sir, are suspected of murder.
- Mur--is this about Tampa?
I can't--I--I--I-- I'm tired of explaining this.
Look, if you call it a dolphin ride,
I'm gonna mount it. All right, they didn't tell me
that you're supposed to just ride on its tail.
How the hell was I supposed to know?
- I was just reminding you about
my murder mystery party tonight.
- Oh, God. Oh yeah, got it.
Yeah. No, thanks. Thank you.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
- Hey, man, congrats on the party invite.
I bet it never gets old.
- Yeah, respect.
- Yes, respect.
Socializing is important. - Okay, thanks, guys.
I appreciate the respect. Yuyao, thank you,
but needless to say, I won't be attending.
Look, I'm gonna tell you guys something that's not really
going to register for probably ten-plus years
but alone on your couch is the ultimate Friday night.
[school bell rings]
♪
- We need those practice tests.
If we don't get them, we'll be forced to study
with online knockoffs.
We need to sneak in tonight and take them.
- Oh... - Sorry, Sarika.
We already have a plan to meet up for hot dogs at Target.
Grace is working.
- VIP treatment.
Trust us, it's fun. - It's really fun.
- Fun is not important. - Wrong.
- Do you wanna nail the A.P. Bio exam
and go to college or not?
- Uh, college is going to be pretty sick.
Eating ramen and snatching V-cards.
We're in.
- Meet back here at dark.
- What--what time is dark?
- 8:00.
What time does "Room Raiders" come on?
- It's--it's early. - It's, like, 7:30.
[all giggling]
- Last year the murderer kept putting
the kill stickers on our butts!
- Buttholes! Okay, I'm telling you, she aimed.
- [chuckles]
- I would not miss this party for anything.
Unless my mom wakes up.
Oh, and I just love the theme this year.
- I know! Murder at Whitlock High
Instead of playing, like, butlers and aging starlets,
we get to play each other!
- Ooh, are you going to Michelle's
murder mystery party, Jackie Chan?
- Ah, I can't unfortunately.
I've got firm plans to sort through my junk mail.
- Jack, you've got to go!
I--I can pick you up in any car you want.
I have a trick that I use at Enterprise.
You ask for a 15 passenger van.
They never have one
and then you drive off in whatever sweet ride you choose.
[all cheering]
- I can't wait to play one of you guys this year.
- Oh, you guys talking murder party?
- Yup. Uh, you're still coming, right?
- Of course. I'm the reigning champ.
Last year, I solved the mystery in 47 minutes.
Broke Durbin's record and he is a brilliant detective.
[all chuckling]
- Hey, well, my ex-wife always called me Sherlock.
Like when I would ask her, "Hey, are you cheating on me?"
And she would go, "What do you think, Sherlock?"
And I also solved the mystery
of my neighbor's missing penis.
Turns out, it was inside my wife.
Oh!
[laughing]
Feels good to laugh. - [chuckles awkwardly]
- Yeah, so it took you 47 minutes
to solve a silly parlor game?
- Oh, you think you can do it faster?
- Oh, I know I can.
- Game on. - Okay.
- [chuckles] - Ooh-la-la.
- Looks like someone is trying to impress someone.
- Yeah, well, if that first someone is me
and that second someone is Lynette
then someone is correct.
- Ooh! - [chuckles]
I was gesturing to you. You're that other someone.
[school bell ringing] - Damn it, Jack.
You used up the rest of our break time for that nonsense?
- Right. - And that someone is you.
- Boo! - Come on.
.
[mysterious music]
♪
- I can't believe they had one!
- [groans]
- [clears throat]
Welcome to hell.
[synthesized dramatic music]
If you find a sticker on you,
you've been murdered.
♪
- Hmm.
- Keith will be providing the ambiance.
[synthetic thunder roaring]
I really do love you so much.
- I love you. I'm--I'm also in love with you.
I remain in love with you. - You stay perfect.
- Thanks for coming everyone and welcome to hell.
[woman screaming]
- You're all to remain in character as each other.
The game ends when someone catches the murderer
in the act or the murderer kills us all.
Winner gets this trophy.
- Ooh! - Sweet.
- Yes, queen. Yes!
- Wow, you know what? I see you, Coach.
[chuckles] I see you.
- We begin with--
[gasps] A murder!
♪
- It's you, Dave. - No, it's not!
- If you would lay down,
you're our kickoff murder victim this year!
- I was the first victim last year!
I drove all the way from Morenci for this.
- We know, Dave. - Down.
- I mean, I just loaded up.
I--I, you know, I haven't taken a bite yet.
- Down. - We know. We know.
- Dave, come on. - Really.
You all want that? all: Yes!
- Well, keep your eyes open. - It just doesn't seem fair.
I mean, two years in a row.
Uh, but--what would you do if it was--
it's just not right!
- Down, David. - I don't wanna do it.
I'm laying down because I respect the rules of the game.
I live in Morenci. Ugh!
- And I believe you all have your assignments.
Let the games begin!
♪
- Clock's ticking.
- Um, oh, J'accuse!
[laughing] J'accuse. Yeah, Michelle?
Your music-y husband there with the too-much-equipment.
Yup, I see him touching Mary's elbow there.
Why don't you check your elbow? I bet you'll find a sticker.
- Oh, I--I just wanted to feel the fabric.
I'm kind of a textile head.
- Wait, you're Helen?
I'm Helen!
- Maybe that's a clue!
Or maybe it's a--
[spooky] Mistake!
[mischievous music]
♪
- [quietly] Okay.
- Let's go. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
♪
- Whoa, the faculty lounge.
This is where the teachers talk about what pills they use.
- Wait. - Come on, Sarika.
- No. No, you guys.
[sighs]
[mellow music playing]
- [gasps] The murderer has struck again!
- Uh-oh!
- Oh, ooh.
- Oh, he snuck a drink in there, didn't he?
[all chuckling] - [groans dramatically]
- Who amongst us shall be next?
- Oh, I--I hope it's not me.
I live in Morenci.
[all laughing]
- He's--he's still doing Dave. - That's good.
That was really good. - Get him, Durb!
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Who's--who's over there near Fred?
Helen, you were over there.
You're the murderer.
- I mean, you seem nervous.
- No, I'm not--I'm not-- I'm not--
- Which, you know, makes sense because you are 25 minutes in
and it looks like that record is slipping away.
You only have two accusations left.
- Look, it doesn't matter because I'm gonna--
I'm gonna-- - Tick tock, tick tock.
- Well, that's fine because I'm just gonna--
I'm gonna go ahead and end this right now.
Michelle, I have an accusation to make.
I accuse Helen of murder! J'accuse, j'accuse!
- What?
- Okay, thanks. Remember, you're playing coach.
He doesn't know French.
- I know enough.
♪
- Tell me the truth, Mary. Did you put the sticker on him?
- Hey, no Mary here.
Fake Mary's over there, laying down,
wear a pair of boner-killing khakis
that no woman would ever wear.
- That is not true!
I borrowed these from my wife!
- "I borrowed these from my wife!"
[all laughing] - Get him, Durb!
- What's your favorite type of brown coffee?
- Folgers. - Me too.
- There's a lot of half-eaten salads in here.
I'm just gonna take a Cobb.
My parents paid for it with their tax dollars.
- Guys. [both exclaim]
- Stop goofing around.
I got the key.
Let's get these tests.
- Hi, Helen. I'm Jack, I'm an Ivy Leaguer
and I'm not the murder because I'm too busy stomping around
and grumping around and, uh, shopping for sweaters.
- [chuckles] Yes!
And howdy, I'm Helen and I'm not the murderer
because I'm too busy buying sweatshirts.
[cackling]
- Wow.
You bitch.
[upbeat party music playing]
♪
- Did you just touch my back? Did you put a sticker on me?
Dude. - Hey, hey Jack.
- What are you doing? - Whoa!
Have you solved it yet?
'Cause your time is nearly up.
- Yeah, you know what? I think I got it.
I'm gonna make a-- I'm gonna j'accuse.
Check this out. - All right.
- A food drive? both: Yeah.
- Hey, ladies. - Oh, Jack. Hi.
- Hi. - Hi!
- Yeah, save it, lady.
I saw you over by the snack table earlier.
Yeah, where Ms. Malinowski got stickered?
- [chuckles] Oh, no!
- Oh, I'm onto you, you sneaky son of a bitch.
[chuckles] - Excuse me?
- Uh, yeah, if I reach into your pocket right now,
what am I gonna find? I think I'm gonna--
well, I think I'm just gonna find a--
Ow! Why do you have forks in your pocket?
- Okay, Jack, Jack, take it easy.
- Oh, go easy. Let's go-- everybody go easy.
No, no, no, I'm sorry, Ralph, but I'm trying to play the game.
Isn't that why we're here? To play the game?
All right, you--you know what? You guys are just jealous
'cause I'm gonna break the record.
That's--that's what it is. 'Cause I'm--I'm a winner.
Yeah, I'm the smartest guy here!
[chuckles] And I'm going to be at home eating that cookie cake
while you guys are in your beds
pulling stickers out of your buttholes!
both: Hmm?
You know what? I--you know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna go to the kitchen.
Mavis, we're gonna need those forks back, okay?
- Hmm?
[forks clinking]
[upbeat music]
- I don't know if she heard me or not.
.
- [chuckles]
[snap] - Oh, God.
That was an awesome meltdown.
- Well, you sure seem like you enjoyed it.
- "I'm the smartest one here"? I mean, that was spectacular.
- Mm-hmm. By the way,
why are you carrying that folder around?
- Durbin always has a folder.
- No, he doesn't. - Yes, he does.
- J'accuse. - What?
- J'accuse! Let me see this thing.
What's in here?
Oh-ho-ho! You're the killer!
Ho-ho! I win. I win, what time is it?
Did I-- did I break the record?
- There's just one problem. - What?
- You died ten seconds ago.
[chuckles]
- What did you--oh, when you came in.
- Mm-hmm. Yeah. - Yeah, oh, damn it.
- You know, if we form an alliance,
I think I can win and end this game in record time.
- What's in it for me?
- 10,000 cookie cake calories.
- Mmm, I love cookie cakes. I'm in.
- Dial that coach thing up to, like, an 11.
- [Southern accent] I can handle that.
- [chuckling] That's good. Let's go kill our friends.
[Joan Jett & The Blackhearts' "I Love Rock 'N Roll" plays]
♪
- Strong enough for a man, strong enough for a woman.
Who gives a rip? It's all deodorant.
[gunshot, knife clangs] - So good.
- [laughs] - I liked it.
- I thought I was talking to coach.
- Now a mesh short, that'll let 'em breathe,
but spandex will save you from the chafe.
- Bingo, but you still got a talc.
- Oh, ya got a talc.
- Yeah! [knife clangs]
- Any dope with a dingus can be a father,
but it takes a real man to be a dad.
Get on in here champ!
Huh? Give us a hug?
[gunshots]
- ♪ I love rock and roll
♪ So come and take the time and dance with me ♪
- Oh, heck.
How does a Harvard man die?
Uh...
Oh, treachery!
Oh, sweet dagger!
Horatio, I'm dying.
Oh, my kingdom for a horse!
Ooh, ooh.
[funeral dirge playing]
Ow, I'm Jack!
- That is-- that's how you would die.
[chuckling] Leg work, okay.
- Oh, no! Your butt got murdered again!
- Oh, no, wait. Let me see yours.
Let me see.
Oh, it got you too! - [groans]
- Oh, girl, let's go die at a wine table.
- Come on. - Man!
- Oh, hell. I'm out. - Me too.
- [grunting]
[dramatic synthesized music]
[suspenseful music]
♪
all: Whoa!
- Not too fast, not too fast!
[all cheering]
- You guys, I did it! I got the tests from Mr. Griffin's desk!
- We just found the janitors' mops and we're gonna joust.
- We are not supposed to be having fun.
There's no question on the Harvard application
about how much fun I had in high school.
[sighs] Look.
I know I'm a lot.
I know nobody likes me.
- We like you Sarika. Right, guys?
- Yeah, you're fun. - You're hardcore.
- You're my best friend.
- Oh.
Thank you.
- So what do you say?
[imitates lances swishing]
[upbeat rock music]
- I guess I could do one joust.
[all cheering]
Just so we can get out of here.
- Aim for the soft meat! - Shut up.
♪
- Three, two, one.
♪
- [yelling, chuckling] Oh, my God!
- That was amazing.
That was amazing. - That was good.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Are you not gonna tell them that you're the murderer?
- No, I think I want it to be a mystery forever.
Kind of like a Zodiac Killer type of thing.
- Ooh!
hey, so, I don't know if you noticed,
but I grabbed your trophy on the way out.
It's a delicious looking cookie cake.
Are you just gonna eat it by yourself or...?
I mean, technically, half this thing's mine,
so if you wanted to go somewhere and split it.
- You know what I've always wanted to do?
To kick a field goal.
- Right now? - What, you busy?
- No.
[sneaky music]
.
- [announcer voice] And here's the kick!
- Going, going, it's gone!
- It's good! [chuckling]
Oh!
You know, it's true what they say.
I am great at football.
- Yes, you are.
- Okay, who wants to go next?
Heather, You want some of this?
- Bitch, I was born to joust you.
- Oh! [chuckles]
- Hey, can you guys let me know
if you find, like, a little screw?
- Let's do it! - Three, two, one, roll!
- [yelling]
- Anthony, watch out!
- [exclaims] [thudding]
[all chuckling]
- Hey, what are you kids doing in here?
- Run!
[all kids yelling]
- Really? Come back! - Go, go! Aah!
- Stop! Stop right there!
Stop!
- [screams] - Go, go, go!
- Sarika, the tests! - Oh, no.
You know what? Leave them.
Go, go, go! Oh, my God!
This is so much fun!
- Seriously, can I tell you something that
might be hard to hear?
- Oh, absolutely. I can't wait to hear this.
- [clears throat]
You impression of Coach sucked.
- Oh, no, - It was bad.
- No, my Coach was excellent.
- I, on the other hand... - Mm-hmm.
- I did a perfect Durbin.
- Yeah, it was pretty good.
- In fact, I'm still doing Durbin.
Everything I've said tonight. Durbin.
- Really. - Mm-hmm.
- Ev--everything you're saying and doing right now,
that's not you, that's you doing Durbin?
- Every single thing.
- How about now?
- Yeah. - Really, still Durbin?
- Still Durbin.
- Still Durbin? - Still Durbin.
- How about right now? - Yep.
[soft music]
♪
- You need to sign your permission slips!
- Oh, Ralph.
[both chuckling]
♪
[all yelling]
- Whoa, guys, guys! Stop, stop, stop, stop.
Is that Mr. Griffin?
- Yeah. That's that payroll lady he lies.
- Aww. - Get some!
[footsteps approaching rapidly]
- Let's go! Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Let's go!
[mischievous music]
♪
- Everyone's having fun but me.
- So what do you think?
You'll sign with the Chargers, Patriots?
- Ooh. - Me?
I'm probably heading to Green Bay.
- Yeah, you know what? I-- I think I'd think I'd sign
with any of them to get out of Toledo.
- You don't like living in Toledo?
- God, no. No. [scoffs]
Can't wait to get out of here.
I'm thinking probably Tokyo, maybe Berlin.
You know, London if a lot goes wrong.
- Okay, well, I'm here to stay.
- [chuckles]
Oh. Come on, really?
- Yeah.
I love Toledo.
- Okay.
Well, I...
don't like it.
[scoffs] Yeah.
- [clears throat]
all: Bye! - Drive safe!
- Great party, guys. - Okay, that's the last one.
[Mayer Hawthorne's "Just Ain't Gonna Work Out" plays]
- ♪ Don't wanna see your tears ♪
- Yeah, I have been waiting for this all night.
- Then get off those jeans.
- My sweater is tucked all the way into my underwear.
- You got something for me?
You wanna see that? - Oh, yeah, I do.
- How about this one? - The other one too.
- Who's the Devil? - You're the Devil.
- You're the Devil tonight. I'm more the--
- Um, guys, I'm still here.
- Oh, my God! - Dave, get out!
- Right. - Get out of here!
- Get out! Go! - Yeah, I'm leaving.
- He saw my shoulder, Keith.
- He saw--you saw my baby's shoulder.
- Go! Idiot! - I'm leaving!
- Oh, God. I don't feel like it now.
- [scoffs] Dave! - I'm gonna...