.
- And of course the swastikas
that were on the latest newsletter
were supposed to have been octopuses.
I am a very bad artist, and I apologize to any student
I may have offended.
And--and finally, our sinks are not urinals,
and our urinals are not sinks.
And that's the last time I'm gonna say that.
So, uh, our speaker today taught at Harvard
and very soon hopefully will be doing a TED Talk.
So we are all very lucky to be the audience
for his audition tape.
Please welcome Jack Griffin.
[applause]
- Shake.
Thank you, Ralph.
Uh, yes, you are all very lucky to be here, okay?
If I get this TED Talk gig,
it could catapult my upcoming book to the best-seller list.
Okay, so, congratulations. You knew me when.
[chuckles]
All right, roll cameras.
[orchestral music]
Hi, everybody. Hi. Oh, stop. Please. Thank you.
Um, so my name is Dr. Jack Griffin
and this is my presentation entitled,
"The Pursuit of Happiness Through Societal Regression."
Now people often ask me, Doctor--
[thud] Whoops.
[crowd laughs]
So, uh, uh, people will often ask me,
you know, Doctor--
whoopsie. [thud]
[crowd groans]
- [groaning]
- Oh, my God, Jack! Jack!
- Oh, my God--[groans] - You okay?
- Ralph, Ralph, you gotta get me out of here, man.
I'm really hurt. - Okay, okay, okay.
Madison. Madison, come here.
- Oh, God! Oh, Ralph!
[groaning] - Okay, we got him.
We got you, it's okay.
Here we go.
- Oh, God, Ralph, I'm really hurt.
- Ooh, gosh. - God, I'm really hurt.
[panting] Oh, I'm really hurt.
Ow, oh, oh, oh! [groaning]
- It's okay. - Oh, God. Ralph.
Oh, God. Hold my thigh. It's my thigh.
Oh, God. Oh! I really cranked it, Ralph.
No, no, no, don't touch it! I cranked my thigh, Ralph!
- I'm just trying to help.
- Oh, but everything you're doing is making it worse.
Oh, I think there's, like, a loose bone or something
and my butt is--is--oh, God, I think I smashed my butt.
Oh, my smashed butt. Oh, my smashed butt.
Ohh, it's so smashed!
- ♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪
♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪
♪
[indistinct chatter]
- Oh, my God, dude was like, "Whoa!"
[laughter]
[indistinct talking, giggling]
- "I'm wearing a suit."
- Whoopsie, whoopsie, whoopsie.
Happy Monday, ladies.
- Jack, you're on WorldStar.
- What is WorldStar?
Are you guys watching a video of me falling?
- Mm-hmm. - That's not funny.
- It's pretty funny, especially 'cause you go, "Doctor whoops."
both: Doctor Whoopsie!
[laughing]
- Like, who actually says whoopsie when they fall?
- Right?
- Good morning, Mary, Stef, Michelle,
Dr. Whoopsie.
[laughing] - Hey!
- Yeah.
- Are you okay? - Well, finally somebody asks.
- Actually, I'm--I'm doing okay.
Yeah, a little sore but nothing's broken.
- That's good. - Yeah.
- I thought you were going to have that smashed butt surgery.
- [laughs] Yeah.
- Did you guys hear the Smashed Butt remix?
[imitating remix]
- ♪ Ow it's so smashed, ow my smashed butt ♪
- Everyone, terrible news.
The Daddy's back.
- I'm sorry, what? The Daddy? - The Sugar Daddy.
Jack, this is Whitlock's greatest mystery.
- Every few months, hundreds of Sugar Daddy wrappers
mysteriously appear around the school.
This is the work of a real sick puppy.
- Perhaps he's not some elusive boogeyman
as much as the 700 Garbage Pail Kids
who roam these halls every day.
You know, just a thought.
- You guys, he's not wrong.
- But the Sugar Daddy, uh, he's a serial litterer.
He's malicious, he's psychotic.
- I bet he doesn't even eat the Sugar Daddies.
My theory is based on the fact that no one ever has.
- That can't be true. I mean--
- I'm with Lynette. I mean, those things are gross.
I'm a--I'm a big lollipop guy myself
but I--[clears throat] have to eat them at home
because people think I'm a little boy
and I can't get into restaurants.
- Ohh.
- Well, all I know
is that I'm determined to catch this son of a bitch.
- Well, we'll help you.
I always know the killer
the first four minutes of "Law and Order."
- Yup, it's never the second guy they talk to.
It's sometimes the first.
- Mm-hmm. - Huh!
- Ooh and if there's a stepfather,
you know his ass did it.
all: Mm-hmm.
[harmonizing] ♪ Mm-hmm
- Whoopsie.
[scattered laughter]
- Marcus, I know where you live.
- I retract my whoopsie.
- Yeah.
So I imagine you guys have all seen this, uh,
video of me that's been going around.
- Which version?
My favorite is when you fall off the stage
into a shark's mouth. [laughter]
- Oh, and then they cut to a guy on Maury Povich
doing an "I'm not the father" dance.
[scattered laughter] - Yeah, fun.
So this is our mission for today.
We need to delete that video. Now how do we do that?
- Brother, you don't.
- It's like when you're standing on a rooftop
and you shake all the feathers out of a pillow
and then the next day you say,
"I want to get all those feathers back."
- Did you just quote the movie "Doubt"?
- I just realized something wonderful.
Whenever anyone looks up "Jack Griffin,"
the first thing that's going to come up is Doctor Whoopsie.
- Well, that's not good.
I'm trying to become the most famous philosopher
of--of my generation, okay?
- [clears throat]
- Whoa, Vic.
Where's your signature grandpa sweater?
- Where's your fancy Harvard job?
all: Ooh!
- Ooh, okay! Nice comeback.
I like this attitude. I don't know what's going on.
Cool.
All right, so how do we change the narrative, guys?
You know-- I know, I know.
We need to make a more popular video where I look cool.
So how do we do that?
- Uh, Griff, my uncle agreed to give his kidney
to a total stranger.
It was all over the news.
Everyone in town was talking about it.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I like this, a heroic act.
I mean, people love a feel-good story.
- Well, it turned out the kidney went to a guy
who murdered a bunch of immigrants in rural Texas.
So that was a bummer. - Hmm.
- One time I went to Texas and I hated it.
Just like I hate everything else.
Whatever.
- What's going on with you, bud?
Somebody steal your Magic: The Gathering cards?
- You wanna go? - [chuckling] Oh, my God.
This is great. I like this very much.
I really do. It's a nice new wrinkle.
I mean, just when I thought I'd get bored with you guys.
All right, so what's a powerful moving act
that I could get caught on camera doing?
- Being a solider coming home to your kid.
- Get a cochlear implant
and hear your mom's voice for the first time.
- Okay, well that's for babies and my mom is dead.
- Oh.
- I mean, we're building a Habitat for Humanity house
this Saturday and the news is gonna be there.
- No, no! Guys, no!
This has to be something that really takes over the airwaves.
You know, think O.J. Bronco.
Think Thai soccer team rescue.
- Baby Jessica.
- Yeah, Baby Jess-- Babe--yeah.
Yes, that's good.
Okay, guys, we got it. All right?
Anybody who wants extra credit,
meet me in the parking lot during lunch.
So Baby Jessica got me thinking about
the brave heroes that saved her.
I mean, that's such a striking image.
A strong noble person
pulling someone up from the depths.
So that's what I'm going to be.
All right, now who's going to get down in the sewers for me?
- Whatever, I'll do it.
- Yeah, I don't know, Vic.
I mean, you've been acting a little off today, bud.
- I said I'll do it.
So just get out of my way right now, please.
♪
.
- This could work. I mean, Victor makes a good victim.
I mean, that sweet cherubic face.
When the world sees this face
being rescued by these muscular arms, you know?
All right, let's make this happen.
Oh! Okay, yeah.
You know what? I just remembered.
The city, they started making these things so that you need
a special device to pull these manhole covers up,
'cause I think kids were just--
- Yeah, I got it, Mr. G.
- Yeah, well, I-- you know, I--
I loosened the pickle jar for you there, so...
- Sugar Daddy? Never heard of him.
- Come on, Dale.
You know every piece of trash in this school.
- Sorry, can't help you. Janitor's code.
- We just want to know where you find
the most Sugar Daddy wrappers.
- No can do.
- Wait, time out!
What's going on with all these boxes?
- Yeah, like, what are you loading up to leave the school?
- And why can't you stop working for two seconds
and talk to us?
- These are empty boxes going to be recycled.
- Hmm.
- You know, a janitor really makes
the best kind of litterer, right?
both: Mm-hmm.
- It's like when the doctor is making the patients sick.
- Or when the fireman is the arsonist.
- Oh, or when the waiter is rude to you.
- I am not the Sugar Daddy!
My advice? Walk away.
These wrappers have been around for eight years,
and I don't mind it.
- Eight years?
- Well, that means that it's not a student.
- It certainly rules out any seven-year-olds.
[clattering]
- All right, Bernie, we're all set!
Drive it around to the side of the school
and leave it next to the blue recycling bin,
and then next week we'll break down the boxes
and put 'em in the bins!
Yeah! Get a move on, huh? Make haste!
Whoo! [chuckles]
Ugh, I love this job.
[suspenseful music]
[rattling]
♪
- All right, well, our little victim
seems to be in place here.
So who's going to call Channel 24
and convince them to get their camera crew down here?
- I'll do it. - Uh, you know what?
Let me get somebody else to do it.
- Hello? Yes, I'm at Whitlock High
and my friend just fell down a manhole,
and oh, my God, I'm so scared he's going to die!
The ambulances are on their way.
You're not going to want to miss this.
You need to tell the world 'cause he's going to need
a lot of prayers otherwise he might die.
Hurry, hurry, hurry! They bought it.
- Did they? - Yes.
- Okay, well, as much as it devastates me
to say this, Marcus, good job.
- Namaste.
- Oh! Oh, don't do that. That is just the worst.
All right, Victor, when I pull you--
♪
Victor?
Oh, boy.
[blows raspberry]
Let me try something here.
Victor!
Victor?
- Yo, Mr. G, you lost Victor! - Yeah.
- Mr. Griffin, is it fair to say that losing a kid
wasn't the heroic act you were looking for?
- Yeah, Sarika but, you know, it's not over, okay?
We're not giving up on Victor.
Okay, I'm not giving up on Victor.
- Yeah.
- Unless we all agree not to say anything.
[angry clamoring] - Mr. Griffin!
- I know, that's what I'm saying.
I--I so I should-- we'll save him.
Plus, you know, he might still be alive down there.
Yeah, Marcus, cancel the news crew, man.
- Oh, that's not possible. Can't unring a bell.
- It's like when you stand on a rooftop
and you try to shake out all the feathers from a pillow--
- Yeah, from "Doubt"! From "Doubt."
You love that movie. - It's a great movie.
- It's great. - Okay, guys, guys, guys.
Can we just please find our friend?
- All right, everybody-- Everybody down in the hole.
Yep, everybody. - Ugh.
- Lower yourselves into the hole in the ground.
He'll be somewhere in there.
.
- All right, um, why don't you guys
check down this tunnel here and I'm gonna look down here.
All right? Here we go.
Victor!
- Victor! - Victor?
- Vic? - Yo, Vic!
- Victor? - Hmm.
Tony don't tango with tunnels.
Uh, I'm gonna stay here and sing every once in a while.
It'll be like vocal bread crumbs.
[clears throat]
[exhales]
- Victor!
- ♪ Lay a whisper
♪ On my pillow
- Victor? - ♪ Leave the winter
- Victor? - This is disgusting.
- Victor? - ♪ On the ground
- Victor? - ♪ I wake up lonely
- Victor? - Victor?
- ♪ The air of silence
♪ In the bedroom all: Victor? Victor?
- ♪ And all around
- This can't be.
This is crazy.
[panting]
[tense music]
[dramatic musical sting]
There's the doll heads.
[gasps] No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no, Ralph. Not this, not these.
- Helen! Helen!
- Hey, gals! What's up, what's up?
[laughter] Let me hear you now.
Just the ladies. And scream!
- Okay, hey! - Hey!
- [screams] [all laughing]
- Helen, we've made a major breakthrough in the case.
- Mm-hmm. Dale told us that the Sugar Daddy
has been doing this for eight years.
It can't be a student.
- It's someone we work with!
- No, I don't think so.
- Oh, come on. Open your eyes.
I mean, it makes perfect sense.
The criminal's always some sad, middle-aged man in khakis
you would never expect.
- No. I think it's a student.
Uh, what is that 22 year old Sophomore's name, Lucas?
- Helen, it's not Lucas.
But we're going to find out who it is soon.
- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, Ralph, you just got these candies in here
because you confiscated them, right?
This can't be. This can't be.
[dramatic organ music]
I have such doubts!
- Victor!
Vic--hey. Vic.
Hey, man, what the hell?
Are you okay?
- Like you care.
All you care about it making love to pretty women.
[soft music]
♪
- All right.
- This is lining up with a lot of my nightmares.
Are my teeth still in my mouth?
- I don't know, man. Feel around with your tongue.
- Grace, are you sure you know what you're doing?
- Guys, it's just a tunnel. There's no reason to be afraid.
[gasps] Maybe we'll see the rat king!
- Excuse me? A rat what?
- The rat king.
It's when a mob of 50 or more rats
get their tails intertwined
and it becomes an angry vicious creature
that starts to understand the idea of right and wrong.
- [gasps] - Oh, God.
- My glasses!
- I'm so--I'm sorry. - My glasses.
- Here, I got them. I got them.
I got 'em.
[light acoustic music]
♪
Here you go.
♪
There you go.
[clattering] - Oh, my God! What was that?
No, no, no! That--that's the rat king!
The rat king! - Rat king?
[all clamoring]
- Rat king! - Rat king!
Let me see! Let me see!
- ♪ It must've been love
♪ But it's over now
♪ It must have been good [all clamoring]
♪ But I lost it somehow
- Hell no!
- What? We--we can't leave.
- Rat king! Rat king!
- But--but Victor. - Oh, my God, rat king.
- I'm gonna stay here and keep singing for my friend.
- Something touched my leg!
Oh, I think I got bit!
- That's probably not great.
So what's with the game of hide and seek, bud?
- This charade has gone on long enough.
- I'm not the rebel everyone thinks I am.
[sighs] I'm not heavy metal.
- Santana is really more sort of smooth Latin American jazz.
- My parents are getting a divorce.
- Oh. I'm sorry to hear that, bud.
So you were, what? Running away.
- I just thought that if I went missing in the sewers,
then my parents would both come and they'd hug and cry and kiss
and then pray I'm not dead and then kiss again
and it would be just like Epcot in 2015.
- [chuckles]
Look, uh, I'm gonna tell you something
as someone who comes from divorced parents.
Divorce is great, okay?
I mean they probably hate each other.
- They did say that a lot. - Yeah.
Yeah, and you probably think that it's your fault
that they're splitting up but it's not.
It is your fault that they probably stayed together
as long as they did, though.
You know, despite the fact that you were all miserable.
So hey, good news, you're all about to be much happier.
Yeah, but look, if--if--
if you need to chat about it some more,
come see me after class, all right?
Yeah.
Want to get out of this disgusting place?
- Yeah, I really have to pee.
- Well, hey, we are in the sewer.
You could just cut out the middleman.
- He's here! - Did you see the rat king?
- Sorry, guys.
I've been dealing with a lot lately.
But Mr. Griffin and I
are going to have an ongoing conversation about it
because it's a very painful thing for me.
- [groans] Okay, hey. All right.
[sirens blaring] Oh, perfect timing.
Now Vic, don't wander off. [clang]
all: Oh! [thud]
[groaning] - Whoopsie.
- [coughing]
[all groaning]
- Okay. [camera shutter clicks]
.
[dramatic music]
- Hello, Ralph.
- Helen, what are--
What are you doing in here?
- Ralph Darius Durbin.
I'm gonna ask you something.
Just once over and over again until you tell me.
♪
[thud echoing]
Are you the Sugar Daddy?
♪
I saw you do it.
♪
You messy son of a gun!
Why, Ralph?
Littering. [bleep] littering?
- I'll tell you why because I'm sick of having
to be this perfect person all the time.
Mother Teresa wasn't perfect. Mr. Rogers had flaws.
Even President Trump has a bit of a sweet tooth.
- You lied to me.
- I didn't want you thinking any less of me!
But every now and then, I had to break a rule too
and I give Dale $20 every time I do it.
- Ralph, I would never think less of you.
- [sighs] So what happens now?
[siren wails in distance]
[sighs, chuckles]
Say goodnight to the Sugar Daddy.
[suspenseful music]
♪
- Wait a minute.
Oh no! Ralph!
♪
[slow-motion] No!
Don't shoot him!
Don't kill him, please!
Oh, dear God, take me!
[siren wails]
The hell? - I--I've got to say.
I'm very curious as to why the ambulances and cops
are actually here.
- Guys, guys, I'm fine.
I'm just a little sore.
[indistinct chatter]
[groaning] - Okay.
- Guys, is all this really necessary?
- Hey, I know you.
Aren't you that guy Mr. Whoopsie?
- Doctor. Yes.
- Jesus, are you okay?
- Oh, oh yeah. Why?
- The stretcher and stuff. The news is here.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I fell deep down into the sewer.
I'm so glad you're here to see me like this.
- You're very cute when you're injured.
It's a good thing it happens so often.
- Oh, actually, if I'm gonna die,
we should probably French kiss goodbye, don't you think?
- No, thanks. Your lips were just in a sewer.
[siren chirps]
- In what would be the saddest edition
of "Where Are They Now?",
recent internet sensation, Doctor Whoopsie
is back to his bumbling antics.
This time, he's fallen into a sewer.
The maladroit doofus, who some claim was a Harvard professor,
was just dragged from the depths behind me.
Now authorities were initially called to the scene
for a missing child alert.
- That was me!
I was missing.
- We have a Channel 24 exclusive here.
This is the missing sewer boy.
What's your name? Are you okay?
- I'm Victor,
and to be completely honest with you, Sandra,
I'm not doing great.
- Uh, hey, lipstick, I got your sound bite right here.
- It appears another sewer child is ready to speak.
- We never would've gotten out of that sewer
if it wasn't for our teacher, Jack Griffin.
- He also helped me through an emotional crisis
and he has generously offered me further counsel.
- Yeah, Mr. Griffin saved us.
There's a legit rat king down there. We saw it, Sandy.
Oh, he dove into the massive rats without any regard
for himself effortlessly detangling their tails
and dethroning the rat king!
- We all could have gotten rabies,
but instead we got a hero.
[click]
- Victor?
Play it again.
- You got it.
- In what would be the saddest edition
of "Where Are They Now?",
recent internet sensation, Doctor Whoopsie,
is back to his bumbling antics.
The maladroit doofus, who some claim was a Harvard professor,
was just dragged from the depths behind me.