1
00:00:02,303 --> 00:00:03,890
According to this gossip column,

2
00:00:03,914 --> 00:00:07,203
my nemesis, Miles, is dating Lisa Loeb.

3
00:00:07,250 --> 00:00:08,284
The Lisa Loeb.

4
00:00:08,309 --> 00:00:10,956
Songbird. Sex in glasses.

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Meanwhile, I have had zero bangs

6
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since moving to this garbage pile of a town.

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That's not gonna work for me, so new plan.

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Break up Miles and Lisa Loeb.

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00:00:23,894 --> 00:00:25,894
_

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00:00:27,276 --> 00:00:28,926
The hell's going on here?

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It's parent-teacher day.

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Well...

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Welcome to A.P. Bio.

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♪ One, two, three, four! ♪

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♪  Next time I'll listen to my heart ♪

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♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪

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♪

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Synced and corrected by louvette
www.adic7ed.com

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You can't talk to our kids about banging.

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I want to see a syllabus, please.

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I want to see a syllabus, please.

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I want to know... "zero bangs"?

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Okay, listen, listen, listen.

24
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I don't know what your
kids told you about me,

25
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but I went to Harvard,

26
00:01:07,389 --> 00:01:09,325
which means I know how to get in to Harvard,

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as well as the other Ivies,

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because they're all a
little worse than Harvard.

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So keep your hands up if
you don't want your kids

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to go to Harvard or one of the lesser Ivies.

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Now,
I believe all of your remaining questions

32
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can be boiled down to one simple answer.

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All of your kids know

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exactly what they need to
do to get an A in my class.

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Right, guys?

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And I'm happy to report that so far,

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all of your kids, the fruits of your loins,

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are getting As.

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So have a great rest of your day, guys.

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Excuse me,
are we getting individual feedback, yes?

41
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You honestly want to know
what I think about Marcus?

42
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Yes.

43
00:01:51,866 --> 00:01:55,103
Yeah,
he's just got a real turd of a personality.

44
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But you two seem like a couple
of wet blankets as well.

45
00:01:58,398 --> 00:02:00,034
Here's why Heather's cool.

46
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There's something dangerous
lurking inside of her,

47
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something edgy.

48
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You need to foster that.

49
00:02:04,944 --> 00:02:05,978
Yeah, guys.

50
00:02:06,172 --> 00:02:07,908
Get me my own pressure cooker.

51
00:02:07,942 --> 00:02:10,044
I want to make brisket,
and I want to make it quick.

52
00:02:10,077 --> 00:02:12,179
You're not old enough
to get a pressure cooker.

53
00:02:12,212 --> 00:02:14,214
But I'm old enough for an HPV vaccine?

54
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Sarika has no sense of humor, zero.

55
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Does she laugh at anything?

56
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Sarika refuses to have fun.

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You think I want to be

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spending five hours every Saturday

59
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at the academic decathlon? No.

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- No.
- No!

61
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I'd rather be poolside,

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buns up, sipping a Malibu.

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Seems like one of you
ought to give up the perm.

64
00:02:30,130 --> 00:02:31,999
 But what about when we get separated

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at church or Six Flags?

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We always look for the curl.

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Uh... Wow.

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Hold hands. Get a leash.
I don't care. Go away.

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Hi.

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Mrs. Um...

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Uh, no, I'm... I'm not, um, married.

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I'm Trish, Colin's mom.

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Oh. Oh, Colin's mom.

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Hi. Sorry.

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00:02:52,019 --> 00:02:53,153
Well, I can definitely see

76
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where he gets his, um...

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His... his book bag.

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You got that for him, right?

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I mean, it's a nice book bag.

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- You've got great taste.
- Thank you.

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Well, you know, kind of a book bag,
clothes connoisseur.

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And I mean I certainly didn't
just buy the first one I saw.

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This is the first time they've ever

84
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worked in that sort of medium.

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Ah!

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And this number one stunner

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is from our figure drawing class.

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The contours are on point.

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The shading is... oof... very fly.

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It's beautiful.

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Excuse me, that's nudity.

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It is nudity.

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Did our children see a live nude?

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No.

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I was the model,

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and I certainly was not nude.

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I was wearing a swimsuit
and a low-rise jogger.

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This technically isn't even nudity.

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She wasn't naked, everybody.

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Is this why my Trey is suddenly

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obsessed with extra-long showers?

102
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Wrangle this in, Durbs.

103
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I bet the school board would be

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very interested in this vulgar display.

105
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Vulgar?

106
00:03:50,444 --> 00:03:51,739
Excuse you?

107
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I have the back of a Gauguin island queen.

108
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I'm gonna take care of this.

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Here we go.

110
00:04:02,037 --> 00:04:03,773
Yeah, I fed that sweet little baby bird

111
00:04:03,807 --> 00:04:05,108
with a syringe for a week

112
00:04:05,141 --> 00:04:07,243
until it got strong enough and flew away.

113
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Hmm.

114
00:04:08,278 --> 00:04:09,379
Yep.

115
00:04:09,786 --> 00:04:11,157
So I'm not a parent,

116
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but I get it.

117
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Birds weird me out.

118
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Yeah, they're filthy.

119
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Anyway,
I'm sorry that I missed the class intro.

120
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My rehearsal went long.

121
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She plays cello at the
Toledo Symphony Orchestra.

122
00:04:23,302 --> 00:04:24,403
- Yeah.
- First chair.

123
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Cellos weird me out.

124
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Yeah, they're filthy.

125
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See you later, Mom.

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Oh, um, hey,
why don't we hang out sometime?

127
00:04:34,529 --> 00:04:36,218
- Maybe tonight?
- Sure.

128
00:04:36,663 --> 00:04:38,351
Do you want to come by for dinner?

129
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Ooh, I don't know.

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I was gonna eat this frozen burrito,

131
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but I feel like that's not gonna turn

132
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for another year, so yeah.

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Um, well, do you want to take my number?

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I'm already...

135
00:04:46,322 --> 00:04:47,738
Oh, you're already putting it.

136
00:04:47,738 --> 00:04:50,641
419-555-0199.

137
00:04:50,674 --> 00:04:52,576
Okay, I'll call you or I will text you.

138
00:04:52,609 --> 00:04:54,145
Okay. We'll see which it is.

139
00:04:54,178 --> 00:04:55,346
- Okay.
- Bye.

140
00:04:58,615 --> 00:05:00,851
- Hi.
- Hi. Hope you like pinot.

141
00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,286
I do. Oh.

142
00:05:02,319 --> 00:05:03,654
Well, you left the price tag on.

143
00:05:03,687 --> 00:05:05,429
$27?

144
00:05:05,429 --> 00:05:07,031
- Jeez, fancy.
- Yeah.

145
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The guy at the liquor store
offered to razor it off,

146
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and I said, "No,
I don't want you to do that.

147
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I want her to know how classy I am."

148
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Oh. Answer: very.

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- Come in.
- All right.

150
00:05:22,045 --> 00:05:24,547
Well, this smells absolutely delicious.

151
00:05:24,580 --> 00:05:26,149
Thank you. Spaghetti Bolognese.

152
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It's my only specialty.

153
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It's kind of a hard first date food, though.

154
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Yeah,
there's no sexy way to eat spaghetti.

155
00:05:32,122 --> 00:05:33,423
- No.
- Unless you're one of those

156
00:05:33,456 --> 00:05:35,125
Disney hobo dogs. They're pretty good at it.

157
00:05:35,158 --> 00:05:36,559
Yeah, or one of those snobs that

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twirls their pasta on a spoon.

159
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So un-American.

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00:05:40,063 --> 00:05:41,364
Well, wait a sec... wait.

161
00:05:41,397 --> 00:05:43,066
You put the spoons out. Why'd you do that?

162
00:05:43,099 --> 00:05:44,667
For ice cream, you Communist.

163
00:05:48,140 --> 00:05:49,372
This is fun.

164
00:05:49,405 --> 00:05:51,642
It's been a while since I
hung out with a nice guy.

165
00:05:52,475 --> 00:05:53,853
Mom, I'm home!

166
00:05:54,577 --> 00:05:56,312
The movie was cancelled
'cause there was a rat

167
00:05:56,346 --> 00:05:58,381
in the theater that bit a stupid girl's toe.

168
00:05:58,414 --> 00:06:00,383
It's like, "Don't wear sandals to a movie.

169
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Wear sneakers."

170
00:06:01,451 --> 00:06:02,449
Hey, Mr. Griffin.

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00:06:02,953 --> 00:06:04,587
I'm sorry. Is it okay if he joins us?

172
00:06:06,163 --> 00:06:07,958
- Yeah. No, no, absolutely.
- Okay.

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Wouldn't have it any other way.

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Guys want to hear more about the rat?

175
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Saw it pretty good.

176
00:06:11,995 --> 00:06:13,396
- Nah.
- Sure, honey.

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00:06:14,497 --> 00:06:17,046
Yeah.
Yeah, let's... Let's hear about the rat.

178
00:06:20,670 --> 00:06:22,748
So like, you know, Cornish game hen...

179
00:06:22,748 --> 00:06:24,449
- Mm-hmm.
- Pigeons, things like that.

180
00:06:24,482 --> 00:06:25,984
You know, it's basically like
a historical recreation of...

181
00:06:29,786 --> 00:06:33,191
Like a historical recreation
of what Beethoven ate.

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00:06:33,225 --> 00:06:34,993
- Like a food diary, basically.
- Hmm.

183
00:06:35,027 --> 00:06:36,605
- Wow.
- Yeah, it's pretty cool.

184
00:06:37,290 --> 00:06:38,758
Mom, can you cut this for me?

185
00:06:38,791 --> 00:06:40,626
The noodles are sticking to my uvula.

186
00:06:41,093 --> 00:06:42,396
I think you're, uh, old enough

187
00:06:42,429 --> 00:06:44,198
to cut up your own spaghetti there, champ.

188
00:06:44,586 --> 00:06:45,524
Yeah.

189
00:06:47,494 --> 00:06:50,475
Um, anyway, when Beethoven went deaf...

190
00:06:53,117 --> 00:06:56,101
Uh, his other senses just
went absolutely bananas.

191
00:06:56,102 --> 00:06:57,203
What? Sorry.

192
00:06:57,237 --> 00:06:58,839
You know, Colin, I'll just cut it.

193
00:06:59,323 --> 00:07:01,474
Have you ever read any
historical food diaries?

194
00:07:03,096 --> 00:07:05,111
I haven't read a food diary per se,

195
00:07:05,145 --> 00:07:06,512
but in "The Diary of Anne Frank,"

196
00:07:06,546 --> 00:07:08,314
she talks about the
monotony of the potatoes.

197
00:07:08,548 --> 00:07:10,183
- Does that count?
- No.

198
00:07:10,216 --> 00:07:11,517
Well, I think it does.

199
00:07:12,156 --> 00:07:14,226
Right, I mean, why wouldn't it count?

200
00:07:15,521 --> 00:07:16,556
Yeah.

201
00:07:19,492 --> 00:07:20,994
All right, I'll go get dessert.

202
00:07:21,027 --> 00:07:22,095
All right.

203
00:07:22,128 --> 00:07:23,527
Sounds good.

204
00:07:25,495 --> 00:07:26,566
All right.

205
00:07:27,269 --> 00:07:29,302
- I'll give you 20 bucks...
- Make it 40.

206
00:07:32,123 --> 00:07:33,731
Fine, $40.

207
00:07:34,174 --> 00:07:35,141
Okay.

208
00:07:35,175 --> 00:07:37,143
Salted caramel sundaes.

209
00:07:37,177 --> 00:07:39,415
Mom, Mr. Griffin gave me 40 bucks.

210
00:07:39,913 --> 00:07:41,815
- For what?
- I don't know!

211
00:07:44,072 --> 00:07:45,650
Just... yeah.

212
00:07:57,253 --> 00:08:00,756
♪

213
00:08:00,826 --> 00:08:02,161
Ah!

214
00:08:02,195 --> 00:08:03,429
Yay.

215
00:08:03,462 --> 00:08:04,763
Sometimes I play my sax so hard,

216
00:08:04,797 --> 00:08:06,599
I get a tongue rash from the reed.

217
00:08:06,632 --> 00:08:08,434
But the cool thing about a tongue rash is,

218
00:08:08,467 --> 00:08:09,568
you can scratch it with your teeth.

219
00:08:09,602 --> 00:08:10,772
Like this. See?

220
00:08:13,106 --> 00:08:14,150
Ugh.

221
00:08:14,407 --> 00:08:15,574
I'm tired.

222
00:08:15,608 --> 00:08:16,742
I'm gonna go to bed.

223
00:08:16,775 --> 00:08:17,743
Okay.

224
00:08:17,776 --> 00:08:19,512
Well, good night, baby duck.

225
00:08:20,132 --> 00:08:21,321
Quack!

226
00:08:21,347 --> 00:08:22,315
No.

227
00:08:22,348 --> 00:08:23,516
So...

228
00:08:23,833 --> 00:08:26,068
Would you like to retire to the sofa?

229
00:08:26,102 --> 00:08:28,685
And we could talk about
historical food diaries.

230
00:08:29,038 --> 00:08:31,574
Oh, I'm so sorry. Was that boring?

231
00:08:31,608 --> 00:08:33,876
I thought it was a little more
interesting than tongue rashes.

232
00:08:33,910 --> 00:08:35,111
I don't know, though.

233
00:08:35,144 --> 00:08:36,879
I think... I think this one wins.

234
00:08:36,913 --> 00:08:38,615
Maybe when you do it.

235
00:08:38,648 --> 00:08:39,616
Oh, my god, wait.

236
00:08:39,649 --> 00:08:40,551
What?

237
00:08:40,551 --> 00:08:42,486
Can I see your tongue again?
Because you know what?

238
00:08:42,519 --> 00:08:44,321
You might have poison ivy, but I'm not sure.

239
00:08:44,355 --> 00:08:47,024
I need to take a little
bit of a closer peek.

240
00:08:47,416 --> 00:08:48,358
Mom!

241
00:08:48,392 --> 00:08:50,828
I cut my nostril with
the nose hair scissors.

242
00:08:51,170 --> 00:08:52,328
There's blood.

243
00:08:52,850 --> 00:08:55,124
Oh, I'm sorry. I should go help him.

244
00:08:55,124 --> 00:08:56,758
I mean, the poor kid has orange nose hairs.

245
00:08:56,792 --> 00:08:59,261
If he doesn't stay on top of it,
he'll be crucified.

246
00:08:59,295 --> 00:09:00,704
- Yeah.
- Um...

247
00:09:03,198 --> 00:09:05,259
Thanks for coming by.

248
00:09:06,104 --> 00:09:07,269
Oh, okay.

249
00:09:07,303 --> 00:09:08,270
I should go.

250
00:09:09,471 --> 00:09:10,806
All right.

251
00:09:11,073 --> 00:09:12,904
I sneezed on the guest towel.

252
00:09:13,609 --> 00:09:15,477
I think it's totaled.

253
00:09:15,744 --> 00:09:17,246
- Sorry.
- Nah, it's okay.

254
00:09:17,279 --> 00:09:18,647
Um, have a good night.

255
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:20,249
Yeah, you too. I'll see myself out.

256
00:09:20,282 --> 00:09:21,683
- It's cool.
- Okay.

257
00:09:31,293 --> 00:09:32,608
Go.

258
00:09:32,861 --> 00:09:36,132
Sara Baker, sophomore,
volleyball, peanut allergy.

259
00:09:36,165 --> 00:09:37,533
Exacta-lootly!

260
00:09:37,566 --> 00:09:39,435
Bring back our back!

261
00:09:39,468 --> 00:09:40,869
Bring back our back!

262
00:09:40,902 --> 00:09:43,805
Is that pregnant mouse in
the water fountain again?

263
00:09:43,839 --> 00:09:46,542
Please, just let her
have her babies in there, Ralph.

264
00:09:47,809 --> 00:09:49,145
She's old!

265
00:09:49,178 --> 00:09:51,147
All: Bring back our back!

266
00:09:51,180 --> 00:09:53,282
- Bring back our back!
- _

267
00:09:53,315 --> 00:09:54,550
Bring back our back!

268
00:09:54,583 --> 00:09:55,551
- You got to...
- Bring back our back!

269
00:09:55,584 --> 00:09:56,821
Hey, please!

270
00:09:56,821 --> 00:09:58,620
You're gonna interrupt classes, all right?

271
00:09:58,654 --> 00:09:59,655
Ladies and...

272
00:09:59,972 --> 00:10:02,174
- Coach.
- Good.

273
00:10:02,215 --> 00:10:04,485
The school needs to know that you hate art.

274
00:10:04,518 --> 00:10:05,586
Yeah, you hate it.

275
00:10:05,619 --> 00:10:06,654
I don't hate art.

276
00:10:06,687 --> 00:10:07,988
The... the parents thought

277
00:10:08,021 --> 00:10:09,557
that the back drawing was gateway nudity.

278
00:10:09,590 --> 00:10:10,991
And when you think about it, the back is

279
00:10:11,024 --> 00:10:12,726
around the corner from the boobs,

280
00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:14,662
and then you make a right turn,
and you're at the butt.

281
00:10:14,695 --> 00:10:18,131
Sounds like Ralph is thinking
a lot about boobs and butts.

282
00:10:18,165 --> 00:10:21,068
Right,
while we're out here fighting for art.

283
00:10:21,101 --> 00:10:23,537
Is this a school or a dictatorship,

284
00:10:23,571 --> 00:10:24,772
Chairman Mralph?

285
00:10:24,805 --> 00:10:26,807
- Chairman Mralph!
- All right.

286
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,576
- Chairman Mralph!
- Guys, Chairman Mralph!

287
00:10:28,609 --> 00:10:29,943
Guys, guys, "Chairman Mralph"

288
00:10:29,977 --> 00:10:32,045
is a little bit of a stretch, okay?

289
00:10:32,079 --> 00:10:33,924
I'm gonna fix this, all right?

290
00:10:34,848 --> 00:10:36,016
- Chairman Mralph!
- Okay, fix it.

291
00:10:36,049 --> 00:10:38,085
Chairman Mralph!

292
00:10:38,118 --> 00:10:39,753
So what's wrong with you?

293
00:10:39,787 --> 00:10:41,922
I'm sweating so hard,
I think I'm gonna pass out.

294
00:10:41,946 --> 00:10:43,327
Well, then lose the turtleneck.

295
00:10:43,327 --> 00:10:44,528
I can't.

296
00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:46,296
And I don't want to talk about it!

297
00:10:46,330 --> 00:10:48,098
Chairman Mralph!

298
00:10:48,132 --> 00:10:49,399
Chairman Mralph!

299
00:10:49,725 --> 00:10:50,967
What?

300
00:10:52,369 --> 00:10:54,071
Oh. You're here!

301
00:10:54,656 --> 00:10:57,593
I mocked up an incriminating
photo to send to Lisa Loeb.

302
00:10:57,626 --> 00:11:00,195
It's Miles licking Alanis Morissette's neck.

303
00:11:00,195 --> 00:11:01,430
Wow, Anthony, that...

304
00:11:01,463 --> 00:11:02,464
You're an artist.

305
00:11:02,497 --> 00:11:03,465
Go for it. Get it done.

306
00:11:04,007 --> 00:11:05,075
Hey, Colin.

307
00:11:05,108 --> 00:11:06,243
You know, I was just thinking...

308
00:11:06,276 --> 00:11:07,177
I'm so curious.

309
00:11:07,210 --> 00:11:09,747
Did you happen to bang your mom last night?

310
00:11:09,780 --> 00:11:11,615
Because I sure as hell didn't.

311
00:11:11,649 --> 00:11:12,716
- No.
- Wait.

312
00:11:12,750 --> 00:11:14,017
Are you dating Colin's mom?

313
00:11:14,043 --> 00:11:15,606
Isn't that a conflict of interest?

314
00:11:15,606 --> 00:11:17,241
Are you gonna start giving him extra credit

315
00:11:17,275 --> 00:11:18,776
- because you're doing his mom?
- He's not doing my mom.

316
00:11:18,809 --> 00:11:20,178
Yeah, because you wouldn't leave us alone

317
00:11:20,211 --> 00:11:21,379
long enough to do it.

318
00:11:21,412 --> 00:11:22,713
By the way, I want my 40 bucks back.

319
00:11:22,746 --> 00:11:24,615
I tried to leave you alone and go to bed.

320
00:11:24,648 --> 00:11:26,650
Man, you blocked me all night.

321
00:11:26,684 --> 00:11:28,386
You brought out your saxophone.

322
00:11:28,419 --> 00:11:29,720
You showed us how to stop a
ceiling fan with your hand.

323
00:11:29,753 --> 00:11:31,389
That's not a cool trick.

324
00:11:31,422 --> 00:11:34,178
Mr. Griffin,
have you ever dated a single mom?

325
00:11:34,203 --> 00:11:35,793
Uh, yeah, yeah, one time.

326
00:11:35,826 --> 00:11:37,228
But she had a C-section, so it was all good.

327
00:11:37,261 --> 00:11:39,397
You are a bad person.

328
00:11:39,430 --> 00:11:40,731
Yeah, I forget you don't get jokes.

329
00:11:40,764 --> 00:11:42,400
Tell your mom that one. She'll love it.

330
00:11:42,433 --> 00:11:44,042
You know,
the obvious way to a single mom's heart

331
00:11:44,079 --> 00:11:45,347
is through her child.

332
00:11:45,472 --> 00:11:47,305
You should have shown Colin some love.

333
00:11:47,338 --> 00:11:50,056
- Yeah,
she would have popped off on you, boss.

334
00:11:50,299 --> 00:11:51,709
Okay, look, guys.

335
00:11:51,742 --> 00:11:52,776
Let's get one thing straight.

336
00:11:52,810 --> 00:11:54,361
This isn't one of those cheesy

337
00:11:54,388 --> 00:11:56,290
"Jerry Maguire" type situations

338
00:11:56,323 --> 00:11:58,346
where I win the mom by falling in love

339
00:11:58,346 --> 00:11:59,414
with the freaky looking kid.

340
00:11:59,446 --> 00:12:00,560
Fine.

341
00:12:00,781 --> 00:12:02,420
Then it's bye-bye Trish.

342
00:12:03,049 --> 00:12:04,951
All right, shut up, Marcus.
Shut up. Let me think.

343
00:12:04,985 --> 00:12:07,043
Okay, we need to make a pros and cons list.

344
00:12:07,521 --> 00:12:08,689
Yeah. That's what we'll do.

345
00:12:08,722 --> 00:12:09,923
Victor, go to the board.

346
00:12:10,753 --> 00:12:12,960
On the pro side, she's, uh...

347
00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:14,384
well, gorgeous.

348
00:12:14,661 --> 00:12:15,823
Smart.

349
00:12:16,663 --> 00:12:18,832
She's funny. Talented.

350
00:12:19,228 --> 00:12:21,369
And on the con side... Well, really...

351
00:12:22,107 --> 00:12:23,571
Really, it's just Colin.

352
00:12:23,604 --> 00:12:25,662
I mean, I really hate the Colin part.

353
00:12:26,597 --> 00:12:28,766
Yeah, if you become Colin's dad,

354
00:12:28,799 --> 00:12:30,401
he'll probably be the last face you see

355
00:12:30,435 --> 00:12:32,070
as you take your dying breath.

356
00:12:32,745 --> 00:12:34,927
I know,
but I just can't stop thinking about her.

357
00:12:34,928 --> 00:12:37,293
She's probably chilling
in a bath tub right now.

358
00:12:37,292 --> 00:12:38,426
She's at work.

359
00:12:38,461 --> 00:12:39,862
Let me ask you a question.

360
00:12:40,509 --> 00:12:42,664
Does Colin's mom give you butterflies?

361
00:12:42,698 --> 00:12:45,134
What, like, in my tummy?

362
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,469
Hell yes, Anthony.

363
00:12:47,502 --> 00:12:49,637
If it's legit tummy butterflies,

364
00:12:49,671 --> 00:12:52,846
then isn't it worth being Colin's fake dad?

365
00:12:54,635 --> 00:12:55,744
Yes.

366
00:12:56,437 --> 00:12:57,438
Yes!

367
00:12:57,471 --> 00:12:58,739
Yes, you guys, it is!

368
00:12:58,772 --> 00:13:00,541
I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna go for it.

369
00:13:00,574 --> 00:13:02,343
I'm crushing hard on Colin's mom.

370
00:13:02,376 --> 00:13:03,444
Yeah. All right, yeah, man.

371
00:13:03,477 --> 00:13:04,611
Let's do it, Colin.

372
00:13:04,645 --> 00:13:05,879
What's up, man? You want to...

373
00:13:05,912 --> 00:13:07,013
- Wait, you want to play catch?
- No.

374
00:13:07,047 --> 00:13:09,049
But I do need to build a rocket

375
00:13:09,082 --> 00:13:10,884
for the father/son rocket launch.

376
00:13:10,917 --> 00:13:12,453
God, I hate that name.

377
00:13:12,486 --> 00:13:14,087
Father/son rocket launch?
But, yeah, I'll do it.

378
00:13:14,120 --> 00:13:16,317
I'll do it, yeah.
Let's build a rocket together.

379
00:13:16,342 --> 00:13:17,458
I'm gonna suffer through it.

380
00:13:17,491 --> 00:13:18,792
I'm frickin' enamored!

381
00:13:18,825 --> 00:13:20,427
Whoo!

382
00:13:20,461 --> 00:13:21,462
Yeah!

383
00:13:21,495 --> 00:13:22,796
I must have her!

384
00:13:30,066 --> 00:13:32,247
Students must disperse from the lobby

385
00:13:32,272 --> 00:13:34,154
and go back to their classes.

386
00:13:34,154 --> 00:13:35,874
I gotta know what's under that turtleneck.

387
00:13:36,756 --> 00:13:38,824
I have an embarrassing back tattoo.

388
00:13:40,171 --> 00:13:41,906
"M loves KJ"?

389
00:13:41,939 --> 00:13:44,241
Wait, those are your husband's initials.

390
00:13:44,275 --> 00:13:45,643
Michelle loves Keith Jones.

391
00:13:45,677 --> 00:13:47,311
Why is that embarrassing?

392
00:13:47,344 --> 00:13:49,180
I got it before I met Keith.

393
00:13:49,213 --> 00:13:50,862
It stands for Kendall Jackson.

394
00:13:50,862 --> 00:13:52,224
The chardonnay?

395
00:13:52,530 --> 00:13:54,098
Please don't tell him I have a tattoo.

396
00:13:54,131 --> 00:13:55,099
He hates chardonnay.

397
00:13:55,132 --> 00:13:56,200
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.

398
00:13:56,233 --> 00:13:58,262
Keith has never seen your back,

399
00:13:58,636 --> 00:13:59,571
ever?

400
00:13:59,604 --> 00:14:01,172
I mean, what about bikinis?

401
00:14:01,205 --> 00:14:02,371
What about them?

402
00:14:02,371 --> 00:14:03,506
I mean,
are we just gonna bring up anything now?

403
00:14:03,539 --> 00:14:04,607
What about lawn mowers?

404
00:14:04,640 --> 00:14:05,608
- No. No.
- Okay, everybody,

405
00:14:05,641 --> 00:14:07,172
you know what to do.

406
00:14:07,526 --> 00:14:09,695
You got to be the back to...

407
00:14:09,696 --> 00:14:10,930
Free the back!

408
00:14:10,964 --> 00:14:13,400
Backs aren't bad, and that's a fact.

409
00:14:13,433 --> 00:14:14,668
- You got to be...
- Okay, everyone.

410
00:14:14,701 --> 00:14:17,804
I've heard your cries for justice.

411
00:14:17,837 --> 00:14:19,496
And I think I found a solution

412
00:14:19,571 --> 00:14:21,924
that will please all sides.

413
00:14:30,917 --> 00:14:32,619
That's body-shaming!

414
00:14:33,084 --> 00:14:34,788
Body-shamer!

415
00:14:34,821 --> 00:14:36,022
Body-shamer!

416
00:14:36,055 --> 00:14:37,624
Body-shamer!

417
00:14:37,657 --> 00:14:38,558
Body-shamer!

418
00:14:38,592 --> 00:14:40,960
- Body-shamer!
- Get him!

419
00:14:40,994 --> 00:14:43,630
- Body-shamer!
- Don't let him get away!

420
00:14:45,399 --> 00:14:46,733
All right, now we gotta make sure

421
00:14:46,766 --> 00:14:49,369
we glue these fins on perfectly straight.

422
00:14:49,403 --> 00:14:51,838
It's the only way to humiliate
all those other rockets.

423
00:14:51,871 --> 00:14:52,773
Hey, guys.

424
00:14:53,072 --> 00:14:55,108
Just baked these for you.

425
00:14:55,141 --> 00:14:56,843
Be careful. Don't burn your mouths.

426
00:14:58,412 --> 00:14:59,620
You having fun?

427
00:14:59,713 --> 00:15:00,714
He's doing most of it.

428
00:15:00,747 --> 00:15:02,148
Oh, no, that's not true. No.

429
00:15:02,181 --> 00:15:03,517
I was actually just teaching Colin here

430
00:15:03,550 --> 00:15:05,952
the value of two-part epoxy.

431
00:15:05,985 --> 00:15:07,362
- Oh.
- Yeah.

432
00:15:07,873 --> 00:15:09,509
Yeah, you got a real special guy

433
00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:10,994
on your hands here, Trish.

434
00:15:11,528 --> 00:15:12,734
I love him.

435
00:15:13,151 --> 00:15:14,453
I love your son.

436
00:15:15,088 --> 00:15:16,080
Okay.

437
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:17,582
Oh, uh, Col,

438
00:15:17,616 --> 00:15:18,917
your dad said that you called this morning

439
00:15:18,950 --> 00:15:20,184
to ask him to bring by his bike pump today,

440
00:15:20,218 --> 00:15:21,387
but he can't do it.

441
00:15:24,355 --> 00:15:25,633
- Dang it!
- Whoa!

442
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:27,337
Dude, what are you doing, man?
Watch the rocket.

443
00:15:27,362 --> 00:15:28,931
I don't care about the dumb rocket.

444
00:15:28,964 --> 00:15:30,799
I wanted my dad to come here, see me and you

445
00:15:30,833 --> 00:15:32,801
building this thing and get super jealous.

446
00:15:32,835 --> 00:15:33,944
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

447
00:15:34,369 --> 00:15:35,538
You were using me?

448
00:15:36,038 --> 00:15:37,239
I was just using you.

449
00:15:37,272 --> 00:15:39,605
Yeah, I was, but it didn't work.

450
00:15:39,770 --> 00:15:40,793
Now get!

451
00:15:41,644 --> 00:15:43,037
Did you just tell me to "get"?

452
00:15:49,251 --> 00:15:50,786
Are you still here? I said, "Get!"

453
00:15:50,819 --> 00:15:51,987
No, I'm not gonna "get!"

454
00:15:52,020 --> 00:15:53,288
We're sticking to the plan,

455
00:15:53,321 --> 00:15:54,723
and we're building this stupid rocket

456
00:15:54,757 --> 00:15:56,024
and your mom's gonna pop off on me.

457
00:15:56,058 --> 00:15:57,059
Excuse me?

458
00:15:57,092 --> 00:15:58,326
No, no, no, no.

459
00:15:58,360 --> 00:15:59,862
Dude, that's not even my expression.

460
00:15:59,895 --> 00:16:01,129
That's, like, something I heard, like,

461
00:16:01,163 --> 00:16:02,352
one of the girls in my class say.

462
00:16:02,557 --> 00:16:04,100
That's so much worse.

463
00:16:04,132 --> 00:16:05,233
Yeah, that... That sounded bad.

464
00:16:05,267 --> 00:16:06,635
No. No, no. Honestly, Trish.

465
00:16:06,669 --> 00:16:07,770
That's not how I feel about you.

466
00:16:07,803 --> 00:16:09,222
You heard the lady, Jack.

467
00:16:09,588 --> 00:16:10,739
- Get.
- Oh, my god.

468
00:16:10,773 --> 00:16:12,040
What is this "get" business? No.

469
00:16:12,074 --> 00:16:13,642
Look, okay, Trish, I'm tired of this.

470
00:16:13,676 --> 00:16:14,731
You gotta choose.

471
00:16:14,731 --> 00:16:16,666
Either him or me.

472
00:16:16,699 --> 00:16:18,401
What? Him!

473
00:16:18,435 --> 00:16:19,736
Obviously him!

474
00:16:19,769 --> 00:16:20,870
Aww!

475
00:16:20,903 --> 00:16:22,071
Come on. Real... For real?

476
00:16:22,104 --> 00:16:23,105
Get!

477
00:16:23,139 --> 00:16:24,173
You know what? Fine.

478
00:16:24,206 --> 00:16:25,577
I'm taking my two-part epoxy.

479
00:16:27,625 --> 00:16:28,488
Oh, my god.

480
00:16:31,669 --> 00:16:34,551
All: Shame on you! Shame on you!

481
00:16:34,684 --> 00:16:36,185
Shame on you!

482
00:16:36,218 --> 00:16:38,120
- Shame on you!
- _

483
00:16:38,154 --> 00:16:39,722
Shame on you!

484
00:16:39,756 --> 00:16:40,990
- Shame on you!
- _

485
00:16:41,023 --> 00:16:43,426
Have you all lost your damn minds?

486
00:16:43,460 --> 00:16:45,027
A Durbin piñata?

487
00:16:45,061 --> 00:16:46,796
Okay, you guys took it way too far.

488
00:16:46,829 --> 00:16:48,498
Everybody, go back to class!

489
00:16:48,531 --> 00:16:49,899
Oh, my kingdom.

490
00:16:51,003 --> 00:16:52,569
What happened to my kingdom?

491
00:16:52,602 --> 00:16:53,936
I'll tell you what happened.

492
00:16:53,970 --> 00:16:55,505
You used to be a cool-ass king,

493
00:16:55,538 --> 00:16:57,232
but now you're wack as hell.

494
00:16:57,355 --> 00:16:59,257
I shut down the protest, Ralph.

495
00:16:59,291 --> 00:17:00,492
'Cause I have your back,

496
00:17:00,525 --> 00:17:01,815
even though you didn't have mine.

497
00:17:03,771 --> 00:17:05,563
That's an incredible likeness.

498
00:17:05,896 --> 00:17:07,708
We just finished the papier-mâché unit.

499
00:17:08,166 --> 00:17:09,583
I'm a good teacher, Ralph.

500
00:17:09,583 --> 00:17:11,519
I know. You're... you're the best.

501
00:17:11,825 --> 00:17:13,033
I should have supported you.

502
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:15,002
But I pussed out in front
of all those parents.

503
00:17:15,036 --> 00:17:16,705
I... You know what?

504
00:17:16,738 --> 00:17:18,491
I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.

505
00:17:18,601 --> 00:17:22,304
To make up for it, I am gonna put this

506
00:17:23,499 --> 00:17:24,693
right here.

507
00:17:24,719 --> 00:17:28,667
So that your beautiful, strong, sexy,

508
00:17:28,744 --> 00:17:31,632
brave, empowered back will watch over

509
00:17:31,888 --> 00:17:34,790
every move I make as
king of this high school.

510
00:17:35,420 --> 00:17:37,693
Okay. Now you're making this weird.

511
00:17:37,694 --> 00:17:38,662
Weird?

512
00:17:38,695 --> 00:17:39,801
This is art.

513
00:17:39,963 --> 00:17:42,065
Look at the supple shoulder blades.

514
00:17:42,098 --> 00:17:44,233
The voluptuous spine.

515
00:17:44,267 --> 00:17:45,735
You know what? I'm taking this.

516
00:17:45,769 --> 00:17:47,003
You can't be trusted.

517
00:17:47,036 --> 00:17:48,371
You want it too bad.

518
00:17:48,824 --> 00:17:51,740
Dirty Durbs trying to peep my back?

519
00:17:51,775 --> 00:17:52,941
No, please.

520
00:17:55,444 --> 00:17:56,791
All right, guys.

521
00:17:57,380 --> 00:17:58,347
Grade update.

522
00:17:58,830 --> 00:18:00,049
Everybody's got an A

523
00:18:00,370 --> 00:18:01,983
except for Colin, who has an F.

524
00:18:01,983 --> 00:18:04,318
You're just mad because
my mom won't give you an F.

525
00:18:04,899 --> 00:18:06,320
Ooh!

526
00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:07,822
Oh, we're doing "Oohs" now?

527
00:18:07,855 --> 00:18:09,023
Huh? Is that gonna be a thing?

528
00:18:09,056 --> 00:18:10,992
What's the real reason you're mad?

529
00:18:11,263 --> 00:18:13,183
He's just mad 'cause his dad sucks.

530
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:14,629
News flash, Colin:

531
00:18:14,662 --> 00:18:15,897
All dads suck.

532
00:18:15,930 --> 00:18:17,799
Okay? All they do is yell at the TV

533
00:18:17,832 --> 00:18:19,410
and burp loudly while talking

534
00:18:19,444 --> 00:18:20,678
and forget to take you fishing

535
00:18:20,712 --> 00:18:22,314
every single Saturday for six months

536
00:18:22,354 --> 00:18:23,973
even though you bought ice fishing boots

537
00:18:23,973 --> 00:18:24,940
with your birthday money.

538
00:18:24,973 --> 00:18:26,808
Dads are full idiots!

539
00:18:27,435 --> 00:18:29,367
That hurt runs deep, y'all.

540
00:18:30,912 --> 00:18:32,013
Wearing a ladies' shirt?

541
00:18:32,046 --> 00:18:33,214
It's a male leotard

542
00:18:33,247 --> 00:18:35,249
for a protest that's now over.

543
00:18:35,283 --> 00:18:37,786
Does anyone have an XL cardigan or a shawl?

544
00:18:37,819 --> 00:18:40,955
The point is, Colin,
nobody likes dads, all right?

545
00:18:40,989 --> 00:18:42,791
Class, raise your hand if you like your dad.

546
00:18:42,824 --> 00:18:44,358
- Yeah.
- He's my hero.

547
00:18:44,392 --> 00:18:47,085
I love my dad even though he
restricts my Internet access.

548
00:18:47,473 --> 00:18:48,396
Even you, Devin?

549
00:18:48,429 --> 00:18:50,174
Oh, yeah. My mom's the problem.

550
00:18:50,732 --> 00:18:53,401
I guess we're the only ones with bad dads.

551
00:18:56,666 --> 00:18:59,040
_

552
00:18:59,974 --> 00:19:01,710
♪

553
00:19:06,815 --> 00:19:07,982
All right.

554
00:19:08,016 --> 00:19:10,284
Now, if you hit the ball just right,

555
00:19:10,318 --> 00:19:11,786
you should hit one of the rockets

556
00:19:11,820 --> 00:19:13,421
and cause a domino effect.

557
00:19:15,099 --> 00:19:16,992
My mom would probably
think this is cool of you.

558
00:19:17,025 --> 00:19:19,293
Yeah, well, this isn't about her.

559
00:19:19,327 --> 00:19:21,024
All right, go ahead and line up your shot.

560
00:19:21,395 --> 00:19:22,363
Go ahead.

561
00:19:22,396 --> 00:19:24,762
A little bit wider on your stance there,
bud.

562
00:19:25,399 --> 00:19:26,424
Good.

563
00:19:26,968 --> 00:19:28,181
All right.

564
00:19:28,837 --> 00:19:30,247
Give it a blast.

565
00:19:34,199 --> 00:19:35,167
I missed it.

566
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:36,501
Okay. Uh...

567
00:19:36,535 --> 00:19:38,603
Well, look, man.
It had a lot of power on it.

568
00:19:38,894 --> 00:19:40,896
I certainly felt the wind.

569
00:19:40,929 --> 00:19:42,398
Here. Let me... let me give it a whirl.

570
00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:43,630
Let's see what we got here.

571
00:19:44,284 --> 00:19:45,335
All right.

572
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,397
Oh!

573
00:19:58,654 --> 00:19:59,865
Ooh!

574
00:19:59,898 --> 00:20:01,132
Ooh-hoo-hoo!

575
00:20:01,636 --> 00:20:02,737
What are you doing, man?

576
00:20:02,771 --> 00:20:03,905
What are you doing? Come on.

577
00:20:05,149 --> 00:20:06,183
I see them!

578
00:20:06,216 --> 00:20:07,508
- Up there!
- Get 'em!

579
00:20:10,014 --> 00:20:12,482
Good morning, Lisa Loeb,
my little snuggle bug.

580
00:20:12,516 --> 00:20:15,008
What the hell is this, Miles?

581
00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:18,450
That's not me.

582
00:20:18,483 --> 00:20:20,052
Read the caption.

583
00:20:20,085 --> 00:20:22,187
"Nothing better than a quick neck lick

584
00:20:22,220 --> 00:20:23,977
in a DQ parking lot."

585
00:20:24,002 --> 00:20:25,123
The DQ?

586
00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,391
Is that where you take

587
00:20:26,424 --> 00:20:29,061
all your musician girlfriends, Miles?

588
00:20:29,094 --> 00:20:30,996
Alanis Morissette!

589
00:20:35,100 --> 00:20:36,935
No, no. Not my Michelle Obama...

590
00:20:36,969 --> 00:20:38,136
Commemorative plate.

591
00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:39,905
Ah, that's expensive.

592
00:20:43,008 --> 00:20:44,142
You missed one, baby.

593
00:20:46,011 --> 00:20:47,245
No, no, no, no.

594
00:20:47,279 --> 00:20:48,246
Don't do that. You'll put your back out.

595
00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:49,247
Stop, stop, stop, stop.

596
00:20:49,281 --> 00:20:50,903
That... that is not real.

597
00:20:51,077 --> 00:20:53,887
That is some exceptionally
good photo doctoring,

598
00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:55,089
but it's not real.

599
00:20:55,253 --> 00:20:57,784
This, this heat,

600
00:20:58,067 --> 00:21:00,527
this fire, all this mess:

601
00:21:00,625 --> 00:21:02,872
this, this is real.

602
00:21:03,234 --> 00:21:04,897
- I hate you.
- Good.

603
00:21:05,665 --> 00:21:08,467
Because you can't hate what you don't love.

604
00:21:09,136 --> 00:21:10,145
Huh?

605
00:21:12,137 --> 00:21:13,105
All right.

606
00:21:13,138 --> 00:21:14,439
Yeah.