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I've heard stories of girls
who grow up happy and well adjusted...
2
00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:18,602
...with a healthy relationship
to food and their bodies.
3
00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:21,563
Screw those bitches!
4
00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:26,652
I went on my first diet
at just eight years old.
5
00:00:26,985 --> 00:00:29,530
For as long as I can remember,
I've been hungry.
6
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Insatiable, really.
7
00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:34,743
I spent my entire adolescence
hating my body,
8
00:00:35,077 --> 00:00:38,539
the target of bullying and cruel jokes.
9
00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:42,709
So, while my classmates were out
losing their virginity,
10
00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,295
I was at home, stuffing another hole,
11
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binging my brains out
12
00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:50,676
and watching every Drew Barrymore movie
ever made.
13
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With Nonnie, my only friend.
14
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But if you're thinking
of feeling bad for me, don't.
15
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I know now.
16
00:00:57,307 --> 00:01:00,727
All of those years I spent
feeling miserable,
17
00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:02,771
they made me who I am.
18
00:01:02,938 --> 00:01:05,774
So I would be ready
when I met Bob Armstrong.
19
00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:09,570
- Hi, Bob.
- He was my destiny.
20
00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:12,447
I never much believed in destiny.
21
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I was the master of my own fate.
22
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I had a booming law practice,
23
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a wardrobe to rival Andy Cohen's,
24
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a picture-perfect family.
25
00:01:24,459 --> 00:01:27,379
But my greatest joy
26
00:01:27,462 --> 00:01:30,716
was the time I spent moonlighting
as a pageant coach.
27
00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:32,134
Who would have thought
28
00:01:32,217 --> 00:01:35,053
playing Henry Higgins
in a church production of My Fair Lady
29
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would have shown me my true calling?
30
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Helping young ladies
become their very best selves.
31
00:01:42,686 --> 00:01:43,854
But that wasn't enough.
32
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I had an insatiable need to win
33
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and Dixie Sinclair could go all the way.
34
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There was just one problem,
35
00:01:52,738 --> 00:01:54,072
her personality.
36
00:01:54,156 --> 00:01:56,533
So, we've been thinking
about what you said.
37
00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:57,576
About my interview.
38
00:01:57,784 --> 00:02:00,037
Yes, neutral topics, no politics.
39
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,997
Neutral won't win.
40
00:02:02,414 --> 00:02:04,458
We came up with a great argument
41
00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:06,960
about keeping trannies
out of the ladies room.
42
00:02:07,044 --> 00:02:08,503
You can't stay "trannies."
43
00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,172
You can't stay "trannies."
44
00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:12,924
- It's homophobic.
- We're not!
45
00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:15,260
We wanna keep the homophobes
out of our country.
46
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,304
Oh, my god.
47
00:02:17,429 --> 00:02:19,973
I was tired of making food
my higher power,
48
00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:21,600
I wanted to be in control.
49
00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:23,894
I went on a cleanse,
started counting my steps.
50
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,187
Take a lap, you're late.
51
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:28,607
Smells like bacon.
52
00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:30,817
Just ignore 'em.
53
00:02:31,610 --> 00:02:33,820
Are you okay?
When was the last time you ate?
54
00:02:34,363 --> 00:02:35,697
Last... Tuesday.
55
00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:39,034
I was used
to feeling bad about myself.
56
00:02:39,451 --> 00:02:41,203
High school was a nightmare.
57
00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:44,289
But Brick Armstrong...
58
00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:49,294
was like a dream come true.
59
00:02:56,593 --> 00:02:58,011
There was only one person
60
00:02:58,095 --> 00:03:01,098
who was a bigger nightmare
than Dixie's mom, Regina.
61
00:03:01,390 --> 00:03:04,601
Hey! I wanted to wish y'all luck.
62
00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:08,105
Bob Bag-o-Boners Barnard.
63
00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:11,149
He was the DA, my nemesis in work,
64
00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:13,735
and he was my nemesis in life.
65
00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:18,240
With his perfect hair and his
perfect smile and his perfect beard.
66
00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:19,408
Bob.
67
00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:25,414
Good luck to you and Magnolia, too.
68
00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:29,334
His daughter, Magnolia,
had won every pageant in Georgia.
69
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:32,129
I was dying to dethrone her.
70
00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:35,799
No family should live in fear
of their child getting sick
71
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,759
because they can't afford health care.
72
00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:39,344
Thank you.
73
00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:46,393
Dixie and Magnolia were tied.
It all came down to the interview.
74
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:48,687
Dixie Sinclair.
75
00:03:49,521 --> 00:03:51,898
What are your thoughts about ISIS?
76
00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:54,109
A political question.
77
00:03:54,609 --> 00:03:57,279
I prayed that Dixie
would follow my guidance.
78
00:03:57,362 --> 00:04:00,323
Ices? Like Italian ices?
79
00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:03,243
I love 'em. Orange is my favorite.
80
00:04:04,286 --> 00:04:05,120
Thank you.
81
00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:08,749
But fate had other plans.
82
00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:10,792
I feel like a stalker.
83
00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:15,172
The fact that Brick comes here for beer
every night and we happen to be here
84
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:16,590
is pure coincidence.
85
00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:20,469
Oh, my god, he's here. Come on.
86
00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:22,679
Let's go.
87
00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:24,848
Brick. Brick Armstrong?
88
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:26,975
Yeah? Oh.
89
00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:29,394
You're the one from my gym class.
You feeling better?
90
00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:31,021
Er, yeah.
91
00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:35,817
Patty wants to ask you for coffee,
92
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,694
to say thanks for earlier.
93
00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:39,780
You know, like a date.
94
00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:41,615
Ow.
95
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:45,410
God, you thought that
just 'cause I was nice to you, that...
96
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,955
Wow. Wow, uh...
97
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:50,457
I gotta go.
98
00:04:58,882 --> 00:05:02,302
I was crushed,
but I had to keep a brave face.
99
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:05,889
This is your fault!
100
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,016
For trying to dim her light.
101
00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:10,143
I want my money back, or else.
102
00:05:10,352 --> 00:05:12,646
Or else what? It's over, Regina.
103
00:05:23,949 --> 00:05:25,992
I demand a rematch!
104
00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:29,037
Dixie was disturbed, because of him.
105
00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:31,873
He touched her hoo-hoo!
106
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,209
What? No, no!
107
00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,127
She's lying!
108
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,171
And that was it.
109
00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:42,175
I was an accused molester
saying the victim made it up,
110
00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:45,470
which was almost as bad
as if I'd actually done it.
111
00:05:45,554 --> 00:05:49,349
It was the single worst moment of my life.
112
00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:52,102
I thought it was
the worst moment of my life.
113
00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:54,396
But looking back, it was one of the best.
114
00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:56,648
'Cause it brought me to the man
who put me on the path
115
00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:59,067
to becoming the most famous beauty queen
in the country.
116
00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:01,361
Hey, you got five bucks?
117
00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:03,238
How about that candy bar?
118
00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:05,407
It's not like you need it, fatty.
119
00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:11,913
What can I say?
This story is full of some crazy...
120
00:06:17,002 --> 00:06:19,004
Regina never formally
pressed charges,
121
00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:20,839
because she made the whole thing up,
122
00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:23,925
but she still ruined my reputation.
123
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:31,433
Three months later, I still couldn't get
a single coaching gig, or legal case.
124
00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:34,227
- Don't look him in the eye.
- I felt empty
125
00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:37,188
and the last thing I needed
was a pep talk from my dad.
126
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You had so much potential, Bob.
127
00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:41,484
Graduated top of the class.
128
00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:43,612
Best damn litigator in all of Georgia.
129
00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:45,322
Civil litigation, criminal.
130
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,658
Then you went and ruined it,
by trying to play princess,
131
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,619
- like some big old...
- Can we skip the lecture
132
00:06:50,702 --> 00:06:53,455
- and just get straight to the firing?
- Oh, I'm not gonna fire you yet.
133
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Matter of fact, I have a case for you.
134
00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:57,876
Defending a teenage girl.
135
00:06:57,959 --> 00:06:59,794
She punched a homeless guy in the face.
136
00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,547
They can't pay, but at least
it'll give you something to do.
137
00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:04,257
Since when do we do pro-bono?
138
00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:07,177
Since nobody cares about fatties
or homeless people.
139
00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,763
I'm tired of you sitting around
doing diddly squat.
140
00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:13,975
You're an embarrassment, Bob.
To me, to yourself, to the family, to me.
141
00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:16,102
You said "to me" twice.
142
00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,521
Thank you so much for coming.
143
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:22,192
I begged every lawyer in town
to take my daughter's case pro-bono.
144
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:25,612
I am an advocate for the underdog,
being one myself.
145
00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:29,866
I'm sorry, but as a mother,
I just have to ask.
146
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:33,286
The accusations were completely false.
147
00:07:33,370 --> 00:07:35,830
I'm a champion of women,
especially young women.
148
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:40,418
I wanna touch as many of them
as I possibly can.
149
00:07:40,543 --> 00:07:42,504
Is your daughter at home?
150
00:07:42,837 --> 00:07:44,255
Oh, unfortunately, no.
151
00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:46,257
I will need to speak with her.
152
00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:47,842
Well, she'll email you.
153
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,388
Oh, her jaw's wired shut.
That homeless guy broke it.
154
00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:53,139
She's the one who got arrested?
155
00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:54,891
Well, she did break his nose.
156
00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:56,810
He tried to take away her chocolate bar.
157
00:07:57,394 --> 00:07:59,104
She's very serious about her food.
158
00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:02,857
Here, here she is.
159
00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:06,861
See? It can't be easy, you know,
160
00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:08,363
looking like that
161
00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:11,282
and having a mother who looks like me.
162
00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,328
I didn't have to imagine,
I'd lived through it.
163
00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:18,164
My own yearbook filled with insults.
164
00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,792
I was almost Miss Georgia back in the day,
165
00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:22,252
but I got knocked up.
166
00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:23,920
Had Patty,
167
00:08:24,963 --> 00:08:26,715
started at the Wiener Taco.
168
00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:28,633
I blame myself.
169
00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:30,176
I was a drunken whore.
170
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:32,637
But I am sober now.
171
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:35,807
And I really wanna do right by her.
172
00:08:36,725 --> 00:08:39,394
Her arraignment is in two days, so...
173
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Please.
174
00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:45,775
Mr. Armstrong...
175
00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:48,403
Can't you help us?
176
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:55,952
I got a case.
177
00:08:56,745 --> 00:08:59,414
- We're celebrating.
- Nobody's coming to our gala.
178
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,375
Regina Sinclair sent an email
to the entire PTA.
179
00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:05,336
If any of y'all go to
that molester's gala,
180
00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,547
me and all of the other single moms
181
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:10,091
will veto
the daddy-daughter chastity dance.
182
00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:12,719
She should. It's creepy and incestuous.
183
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:14,345
Bob, that is not the point.
184
00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:15,972
We have got to do something.
185
00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:17,682
I'm gonna talk to Etta Mae Barnard.
186
00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:19,601
Oh, absolutely not.
187
00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:22,687
Bob, Etta Mae has influence
and if we wanna get back
188
00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:24,689
- into high society...
- Wait, wait.
189
00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:27,442
Is that why you started this center?
I thought
190
00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:29,444
you wanted to honor my mama's memory.
191
00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:37,202
Do you wanna talk about your mama?
192
00:09:37,869 --> 00:09:39,079
Or do you wanna celebrate?
193
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:51,841
Dinner's ready.
194
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,137
Adele, again.
195
00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:58,098
You got dumped three months ago.
196
00:09:58,181 --> 00:10:00,934
Just trying to drown out you and Mom
celebrating in the kitchen.
197
00:10:01,184 --> 00:10:03,144
Brick Armstrong, show some respect.
198
00:10:03,895 --> 00:10:05,355
You got something on your pants.
199
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,406
I decided to go
for a plea agreement.
200
00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:17,158
Settle for probation.
201
00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:19,744
I figured the best I could do
was keep Patty out of jail,
202
00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:20,870
and move on.
203
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:23,540
Where's Patty?
204
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,834
- You said she got her wires out today.
- I'm right here.
205
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:33,925
Hey, it's so nice to finally meet you,
Mr. Armstrong.
206
00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:36,761
Broken jaw, liquid diet.
207
00:10:37,428 --> 00:10:39,597
She must have lost 70 pounds.
208
00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:41,808
She was a diamond in the rough.
209
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:45,145
A beauty queen just waiting to happen.
210
00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,856
My chance for redemption.
211
00:10:49,023 --> 00:10:50,733
I just had one question.
212
00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:51,985
Patty.
213
00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:55,196
What's a world conflict
you're interested in?
214
00:10:57,615 --> 00:11:00,160
Aleppo, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
215
00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:02,495
And don't get me started
on the rape crisis in Haiti.
216
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:16,926
I knew from the moment I saw her,
Patty was my great white hope.
217
00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:19,929
An "it gets better" story
for bullied fat girls
218
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:22,599
and falsely accused molesters everywhere.
219
00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:26,144
But, I had to figure out a way
to clear her name.
220
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:29,564
Because convicted felons
can't be beauty queens.
221
00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:31,733
Change of plans.
222
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,526
We plead not guilty.
223
00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:37,197
Argue self-defense, file a motion
to dismiss at the preliminary hearing.
224
00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:39,199
Well, what happened to settling?
225
00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:41,910
Pretty girls don't have to settle.
226
00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:47,874
Bob was like a white knight,
riding in on his horse to defend me.
227
00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:50,084
He almost seemed too good to be true.
228
00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:53,087
Can I ask you a question, Mr. Armstrong?
229
00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,172
Call me Bob.
230
00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:56,424
- Are you banging my mom, Bob?
- What?
231
00:11:57,091 --> 00:11:58,801
No! Why would you...
232
00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,012
'Cause every lawyer in town
turned us down.
233
00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:05,850
That is because
they don't understand you like I do you.
234
00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:08,811
Nobody understood me,
not even Nonnie.
235
00:12:09,103 --> 00:12:10,813
Do you think I always looked this good?
236
00:12:12,357 --> 00:12:16,236
Back in the day,
I had to shop in the husky section.
237
00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:18,988
But Bob and I
were kindred spirits.
238
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,241
I thought once I lost that weight,
239
00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:24,035
that I would feel powerful.
240
00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:26,287
But I felt scared, I felt vulnerable.
241
00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:28,957
I know, I feel like a raw nerve.
242
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:33,795
Of course, without that extra padding,
you've lost your first line of defense.
243
00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:36,089
But that is okay.
244
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:38,841
'Cause now, you got me.
245
00:12:39,175 --> 00:12:41,094
He was more than a white knight.
246
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,762
He wanted to be the armor, too.
247
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,640
I knew then we were soul mates.
248
00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:48,851
Since Patty was sure
there weren't any witnesses,
249
00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:51,771
it would be Patty's word
against a homeless guy's.
250
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:53,356
So, I figured I'd just catch
251
00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:57,151
Bob Baywatch-body Barnard
after his morning run,
252
00:12:57,235 --> 00:12:58,820
and get him to drop the case.
253
00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:00,530
I'm not dropping the case.
254
00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:05,076
Why not? It was self-defense.
255
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:06,744
Well, my witness tells another story.
256
00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:09,330
What, witness? Who?
257
00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:12,292
Oh, you didn't know?
258
00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:17,880
The clerk at Booze and Stuff says
he saw her strike first.
259
00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:21,301
My advice,
260
00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:24,178
go back to the judge, cop a plea.
261
00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:26,347
Seriously?
262
00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:30,727
I know I was supposed to hate
Etta Mae Barnard,
263
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,146
but the truth is,
I wanted to be just like her.
264
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:36,774
She was the president of the PTA,
the church sisterhood
265
00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:38,067
and the Junior League.
266
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:40,820
To top it all off,
267
00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:43,364
she had the sexiest husband in town.
268
00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:45,700
Extra large, babe.
269
00:14:04,427 --> 00:14:06,471
I wanted more
than Etta Mae's help,
270
00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:08,014
I wanted her life.
271
00:14:08,890 --> 00:14:09,724
Now,
272
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:11,851
what can I do for you, honey?
273
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:14,729
It's about my gala
that Regina's trying to doody can.
274
00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:18,358
Do you think maybe you could convince
the ladies to show up?
275
00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:22,028
I mean, you are the president of the PTA
and the Junior League.
276
00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:22,987
Coralee.
277
00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:25,823
You don't get to be in my position
by rocking the boat.
278
00:14:26,741 --> 00:14:29,327
What if I offered you a quid pro quo.
279
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:30,536
Huh.
280
00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:33,831
Now, I know little Bo's been selling
chocolate bars at church,
281
00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:36,209
and he's just dying to win first prize.
282
00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:38,419
And I know he forfeited last year,
283
00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:41,839
because you got caught
buying all the chocolate bars yourself.
284
00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:43,132
Well, allegedly.
285
00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:46,552
Yes, so you were falsely accused,
just like my Bob.
286
00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:51,641
How about I buy
all your son's chocolate bars,
287
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:54,560
and you get me my RSVPs?
288
00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:58,064
I hope you brought your checkbook.
289
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:03,236
You're watching 50 First Dates
290
00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:05,822
- on our Drew Barrymore marathon.
- The plan is to...
291
00:15:06,155 --> 00:15:08,574
Oh, Nonnie, did I tell you?
Bob called me pretty.
292
00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:12,495
Sorry, no one's
ever said that to me before.
293
00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:14,789
I do. All the time.
294
00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:17,250
Yeah, but it's different, you're a girl.
295
00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:19,544
He's a man.
296
00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:21,212
And a total DILF.
297
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,424
What? Are you, like,
in love with him or something?
298
00:15:24,507 --> 00:15:26,801
Wha... Oh my god, no. No. Ugh.
299
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:29,929
- No. Dude...
- What are you writing in here?
300
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,348
Ugh. Are you crazy?
301
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,601
- He's a child molester!
- Which means I might actually have a shot.
302
00:15:38,563 --> 00:15:39,564
Oh, my god. He's calling.
303
00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:42,191
Hey, Bob.
304
00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,026
We're in a pinch!
305
00:15:44,986 --> 00:15:48,114
There is another witness,
the clerk at the Booze and Stuff.
306
00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:49,866
He says he saw you hit first.
307
00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:53,077
- What do we do?
- We need to create a new narrative.
308
00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:56,289
Turn you into the damsel in distress.
Are you busy right now?
309
00:15:56,414 --> 00:15:58,916
No, I'm totally free, I'm around.
I'm not doing anything at all.
310
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,587
Together? Do you wanna pick...
Come get me and we go together?
311
00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,507
Okay, great. I'll see you soon.
312
00:16:08,426 --> 00:16:11,387
You gotta go. Bob is giving me a makeover.
313
00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:12,597
He's coming over now.
314
00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:17,185
Patty's hearing would be
like her very first pageant.
315
00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:21,856
Which meant appearances
would be everything.
316
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,025
If we're gonna make you out
to be the victim,
317
00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:25,401
you need to look the part.
318
00:16:26,027 --> 00:16:27,778
In a sense, beautiful,
319
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,656
like someone
who would never throw a punch.
320
00:16:31,866 --> 00:16:32,700
White?
321
00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:34,619
Won't it make me look fat?
322
00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:36,787
Trust me, this is what I do.
323
00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:49,383
Like you need a pearl necklace.
324
00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:55,598
Now, you look like a winner.
325
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:57,600
But looks weren't enough.
326
00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,894
She needed to feel like one, too.
327
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,815
You stole Patty's journal?
328
00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:07,151
- That's crazy.
- You don't understand,
329
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:08,444
she's obsessed with him.
330
00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:11,614
God, she has a crush. It's normal.
331
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:14,992
You're obsessed with Patty.
You have been for years.
332
00:17:15,952 --> 00:17:18,079
I am not.
333
00:17:18,746 --> 00:17:20,081
We're best friends,
334
00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:22,083
like in Heavenly Creatures.
335
00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,544
A friend would just be happy she's happy.
336
00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:26,212
You're jealous.
337
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:32,009
Lay off the chips, Ange.
338
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:35,346
That's a lot of swallowing, even for you.
339
00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:38,975
What are those?
340
00:17:39,684 --> 00:17:42,395
Oh, chocolate bars.
My wife's selling them for charity.
341
00:17:42,687 --> 00:17:43,563
Let me help.
342
00:17:44,188 --> 00:17:45,356
You've been so good to me,
343
00:17:45,439 --> 00:17:47,692
I would love to do something nice for you
and your family.
344
00:17:47,775 --> 00:17:48,901
Screw his family,
345
00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:51,320
we were perfect together.
Even our clothes matched.
346
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,447
I won't eat them, I swear.
347
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,908
No, save that for your testimony.
348
00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:58,995
- We start work on that tomorrow.
- I'm free tonight.
349
00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:00,121
Ah, I can't.
350
00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:02,665
Wife's throwing a charity gala.
351
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:06,419
Start reading about
Catherine the Great, Cleopatra,
352
00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:09,213
anyone who uses their beauty for power.
353
00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:12,425
This testimony, it's not just about facts,
354
00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:13,884
it's a seduction.
355
00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:18,222
I got Bob's message
loud and clear.
356
00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,683
Cleopatra had seduced some much older man,
357
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:23,102
but I preferred
a more contemporary role model.
358
00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:25,479
Drew Barrymore as Amy Fisher,
359
00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:27,732
the greatest seductress
in American history.
360
00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:30,526
I asked my lawyer if I could get you
conjugal visits and he said,
361
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:31,944
"Get married, it's the only way."
362
00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:34,071
And I said,
"No way, you're a miracle worker."
363
00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:38,951
If Bob wanted me to seduce him,
364
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,494
I needed practice.
365
00:18:41,329 --> 00:18:42,955
And if the clerk was a problem,
366
00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:44,999
I could kill two birds with one stone.
367
00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:51,088
Amy didn't give it up to Joey Buttafuco
right away.
368
00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:52,632
Wait, not yet.
369
00:18:53,257 --> 00:18:54,133
When?
370
00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:56,636
I don't know, I have to check my schedule.
371
00:18:56,927 --> 00:18:58,346
I might be going to jail.
372
00:18:59,013 --> 00:19:01,015
You don't want me to go to jail, do you?
373
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,481
Welcome to the gala for anal cancer.
374
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:10,608
Welcome to the gala for anal cancer.
375
00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:12,693
Or you could just say,
"Thank you for coming."
376
00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:16,197
You could just stand there and look pretty
in that dress that I picked out for you.
377
00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:18,741
Sorry I'm late. I had a date.
378
00:19:19,617 --> 00:19:21,118
- What are these?
- Ribbons.
379
00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:23,704
You know, like how breast cancer
has those cute little pink ones.
380
00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:25,456
- Oh.
- So for ass cancer...
381
00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:28,250
Anal. Have some respect
for your grandmother.
382
00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:29,669
You went with brown.
383
00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:32,004
Seems like a bad choice.
384
00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:34,548
- All the other colors were taken.
- Excuse me.
385
00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:37,510
- Patty, what are you doing here?
- Hi, Bob.
386
00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:40,513
I just wanted to tell you
I took care of the clerk
387
00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:41,972
- from Booze and Stuff.
- What do you mean...
388
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,224
What did you do?
389
00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:47,395
Don't worry, it wasn't anything illegal.
I didn't ask him to lie for me or anything
390
00:19:47,478 --> 00:19:49,146
and I just left him wanting more.
391
00:19:49,438 --> 00:19:50,815
- Hi.
- Hi.
392
00:19:51,774 --> 00:19:54,026
- Who the hell is this?
- This is my new client.
393
00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:55,486
Patty, meet my wife.
394
00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:56,862
- Hello.
- Hi.
395
00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,115
Can I talk to you for a minute, alone?
396
00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:02,702
Need I remind you that you were
just accused of being a child molester?
397
00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:04,995
And look at her.
She looks like an underage hooker.
398
00:20:05,246 --> 00:20:08,416
Now, listen to me.
You ask her to leave, or I will.
399
00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:09,333
Hurry up.
400
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:14,130
Patty, maybe it's better
that we talk tomorrow. Holy hell.
401
00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:16,882
It's Regina and Dixie Sinclair.
402
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,093
They're the ones who accused me.
403
00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:24,306
Hi, I don't care what you have to say
about Bob Armstrong,
404
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:25,975
he's the best thing
that has ever happened to me.
405
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,601
- We don't...
- Nice outfit.
406
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:28,853
How old are you?
407
00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:31,063
Okay, okay, sweetie. Now it's time to go.
408
00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:33,399
- Security! I'm sorry, Bob.
- Coralee, will you stop?
409
00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:34,900
- Okay.
- Hey!
410
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:36,777
Are you crazy?
411
00:20:37,194 --> 00:20:38,863
Bob's wife was a shrew,
412
00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:41,407
but I was already driving a wedge
between them.
413
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,576
The Long Island Lolita
would have been proud.
414
00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:49,498
There was something going on
between him and jail bait Jane.
415
00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:52,752
This could be our chance
to take him out for good.
416
00:20:53,878 --> 00:20:56,130
You mean, kill him?
417
00:20:57,923 --> 00:21:00,217
- Hey, diddle diddle.
- Regina.
418
00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:03,929
Whatever it is you're doing, please stop.
419
00:21:04,346 --> 00:21:06,515
You know, I never touched her.
420
00:21:06,891 --> 00:21:09,059
Plenty of people think you did.
421
00:21:09,393 --> 00:21:11,979
Plenty of people think
red and pink don't clash.
422
00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:14,565
Excuse me, I have a speech to give.
423
00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:21,697
A lot of people ask me, why anal cancer?
424
00:21:21,989 --> 00:21:26,285
My mother was afflicted
by this terrible disease,
425
00:21:27,077 --> 00:21:29,997
but so many are affected
and don't seek treatment.
426
00:21:30,247 --> 00:21:32,583
They're embarrassed by the symptoms.
427
00:21:33,584 --> 00:21:34,418
Diarrhea.
428
00:21:35,878 --> 00:21:38,088
Disgusting!
429
00:21:38,464 --> 00:21:40,132
Rectal itching.
430
00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:45,179
Fecal discharge.
431
00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:49,642
Seriously. What is she, like five?
432
00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:52,728
We have to bring anal cancer
out of the closet.
433
00:21:53,521 --> 00:21:55,898
It is a silent, but deadly killer.
434
00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:58,859
- Does he even know what he's saying?
- Sorry we're late.
435
00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:00,236
Barnard.
436
00:22:00,569 --> 00:22:02,988
We just got back from the county fair.
437
00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:06,450
Magnolia qualified for Miss Magic Jesus.
438
00:22:06,534 --> 00:22:07,701
Oh!
439
00:22:08,452 --> 00:22:10,079
That's great, but, er...
440
00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:11,705
Thank you for coming,
441
00:22:11,789 --> 00:22:13,874
we've got a great turnout.
Thanks you to Etta Mae.
442
00:22:13,958 --> 00:22:15,960
- Excuse me?
- Oh, well, a deal's a deal.
443
00:22:16,210 --> 00:22:18,254
And I talked to the junior leaguers
about you, too.
444
00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:21,507
- Ahem. As I was saying...
- Did you get a spray tan?
445
00:22:21,841 --> 00:22:23,759
Oh, I've been training for a marathon,
446
00:22:23,843 --> 00:22:26,011
- so maybe I got some color.
- Honey?
447
00:22:27,471 --> 00:22:29,473
Well, you are glowing.
448
00:22:29,557 --> 00:22:31,267
Are we done?
449
00:22:31,684 --> 00:22:34,812
Or is your tan more important
450
00:22:34,895 --> 00:22:38,524
than saving someone's anus from cancer?
451
00:22:43,654 --> 00:22:45,197
One! Kick!
452
00:22:46,156 --> 00:22:47,825
You ruined everything!
453
00:22:48,325 --> 00:22:49,451
All my hard work!
454
00:22:49,827 --> 00:22:52,329
I'm sorry, Regina and Dixie threw me off.
455
00:22:52,538 --> 00:22:56,000
And then Bob Backstreet Boy Barnard
stole my spotlight.
456
00:22:56,083 --> 00:22:57,918
And now I can't join the Junior League.
457
00:22:58,377 --> 00:22:59,545
Back to square one.
458
00:23:00,129 --> 00:23:01,380
Except I wasn't.
459
00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:06,385
That's Patty.
We're working on her testimony.
460
00:23:06,468 --> 00:23:08,304
Can you get the door?
I have got to change.
461
00:23:10,514 --> 00:23:11,515
That's him.
462
00:23:11,849 --> 00:23:14,059
Unfortunately,
I don't have anything on the girl.
463
00:23:14,852 --> 00:23:15,686
That's fine.
464
00:23:16,353 --> 00:23:17,771
I'll just start by following him.
465
00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:19,148
I'm sorry.
466
00:23:20,024 --> 00:23:22,860
You just...
You seem awfully young to be a PI.
467
00:23:23,235 --> 00:23:24,153
And hot.
468
00:23:26,071 --> 00:23:27,156
I promise, ladies.
469
00:23:27,573 --> 00:23:28,949
I'm very experienced.
470
00:23:33,037 --> 00:23:34,830
Everybody thinks we're sisters.
471
00:23:36,373 --> 00:23:39,752
I mean,
I could take it from my peers and my mom.
472
00:23:40,336 --> 00:23:42,254
Even my Nutra-Right leader.
473
00:23:43,881 --> 00:23:44,840
But, this guy?
474
00:23:44,924 --> 00:23:47,259
I mean, this guy who smelled
of booze and onions...
475
00:23:47,343 --> 00:23:50,387
Stop! When you're on the stand,
you are playing a role.
476
00:23:50,471 --> 00:23:52,973
And you are done playing fatty Patty.
477
00:23:53,057 --> 00:23:55,017
Remember, seduce me.
478
00:23:55,643 --> 00:23:57,770
- Play the damsel.
- I'm trying.
479
00:23:58,854 --> 00:23:59,855
Come here.
480
00:23:59,939 --> 00:24:01,607
I wanted to let go of fatty Patty,
481
00:24:01,732 --> 00:24:05,402
but after all those years of torture,
she was in me, like a demon.
482
00:24:05,819 --> 00:24:06,654
Now.
483
00:24:08,072 --> 00:24:10,032
Tell me what you feel about what you see.
484
00:24:10,824 --> 00:24:11,867
I don't know.
485
00:24:14,161 --> 00:24:15,537
Close your eyes.
486
00:24:19,208 --> 00:24:20,459
Tell me the truth.
487
00:24:24,254 --> 00:24:25,881
I feel like I don't deserve you.
488
00:24:26,715 --> 00:24:28,926
Your support.
489
00:24:29,343 --> 00:24:31,261
You think you deserve to be punched?
490
00:24:32,096 --> 00:24:33,055
You didn't.
491
00:24:33,847 --> 00:24:37,226
You were the victim of bullying,
of society.
492
00:24:37,309 --> 00:24:40,187
He was right.
I was fat, I was out of control.
493
00:24:40,270 --> 00:24:43,315
- You were sick, you were scared.
- I still want to eat all the time.
494
00:24:43,399 --> 00:24:45,192
- And why don't you?
- Because...
495
00:24:47,111 --> 00:24:49,571
I'm afraid if I get fat again,
you won't think I'm beautiful.
496
00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:56,578
You are beautiful. Inside and out.
497
00:24:58,122 --> 00:25:00,416
You came through hell
and lived to tell about it.
498
00:25:00,499 --> 00:25:04,169
And when you are on that stand,
you are gonna find that voice,
499
00:25:04,253 --> 00:25:07,256
so you never have to eat over it again.
500
00:25:09,466 --> 00:25:11,593
- What if I can't?
- You can.
501
00:25:12,553 --> 00:25:13,762
I'll help ya.
502
00:25:17,099 --> 00:25:18,600
Because I believe in you.
503
00:25:22,312 --> 00:25:23,147
And...
504
00:25:24,940 --> 00:25:26,150
Because quite honestly,
505
00:25:27,317 --> 00:25:28,527
you're the first person,
506
00:25:28,736 --> 00:25:31,071
in a very long time,
that has believed in me.
507
00:26:03,604 --> 00:26:06,815
I'd filed a motion to dismiss
and everything was in order.
508
00:26:06,899 --> 00:26:08,776
Patty looked great.
509
00:26:09,234 --> 00:26:11,779
And homeless guy
didn't even bother to show up.
510
00:26:12,362 --> 00:26:15,532
But it was up to me to prove self-defense,
511
00:26:15,991 --> 00:26:19,286
which meant Patty had to be
more convincing than the clerk.
512
00:26:22,748 --> 00:26:23,749
What was that?
513
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:26,460
He's like, kind of in love with me.
514
00:26:26,543 --> 00:26:28,545
- Because I...
- Don't say another word.
515
00:26:29,546 --> 00:26:32,591
It was a risk
to call their witness myself,
516
00:26:33,008 --> 00:26:36,136
but if Patty was right,
I could ruin their case
517
00:26:36,678 --> 00:26:40,140
and stick it to Bob Baby Banana Barnard.
518
00:26:40,474 --> 00:26:42,476
So, I took a leap of faith.
519
00:26:45,604 --> 00:26:48,065
The defense calls Donald Choi.
520
00:26:49,733 --> 00:26:53,570
Tell us the events of August 29th,
as you recall them.
521
00:27:02,329 --> 00:27:05,207
Let me remind you, young man,
that you're under oath.
522
00:27:09,211 --> 00:27:11,046
I don't remember.
523
00:27:12,631 --> 00:27:13,465
I'm sorry.
524
00:27:15,717 --> 00:27:18,554
Whatever Patty had done,
it worked.
525
00:27:19,054 --> 00:27:20,848
Now, it all came down to her testimony.
526
00:27:20,931 --> 00:27:23,392
He threatened me verbally
527
00:27:23,976 --> 00:27:27,479
and then he got physically aggressive.
528
00:27:28,063 --> 00:27:30,816
He was making comments about my body,
so I thought...
529
00:27:31,608 --> 00:27:33,318
he was gonna try and force himself on me.
530
00:27:33,402 --> 00:27:34,653
And what did you do?
531
00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:36,947
I defended myself.
532
00:27:38,657 --> 00:27:40,742
Nothing further, your honor.
533
00:27:41,034 --> 00:27:43,245
Patty had played
the damsel perfectly.
534
00:27:43,579 --> 00:27:48,500
She just had to survive
a cross examination by Captain Dildacorn.
535
00:27:48,917 --> 00:27:50,085
Ms. Bladell.
536
00:27:52,045 --> 00:27:54,882
You said the victim
commented on your body.
537
00:27:55,090 --> 00:27:56,216
What did he say exactly?
538
00:27:57,176 --> 00:27:58,343
He called me a fatty.
539
00:27:59,094 --> 00:28:00,888
"And nobody calls me fatty!"
540
00:28:01,930 --> 00:28:04,850
That was the written statement
you gave the arresting officer.
541
00:28:05,392 --> 00:28:08,103
- I don't remember writing that.
- Your remember punching him?
542
00:28:09,229 --> 00:28:11,148
Hard enough to break his nose?
543
00:28:11,732 --> 00:28:12,816
Yes, but...
544
00:28:12,941 --> 00:28:16,403
Would you say you're a violent person,
Ms. Bladell?
545
00:28:16,987 --> 00:28:19,448
No. No, definitely not.
546
00:28:19,656 --> 00:28:21,783
So then why would you hit him?
547
00:28:22,534 --> 00:28:25,037
Was it because
he was trying to take your food?
548
00:28:28,457 --> 00:28:31,210
Sure, fatty Patty threw a punch
to protect her chocolate.
549
00:28:35,005 --> 00:28:38,175
Are you saying...
I deserved what happened?
550
00:28:39,509 --> 00:28:40,677
Just because I was fat?
551
00:28:41,553 --> 00:28:44,431
- No. No, no, no, no, no.
- Because I didn't.
552
00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:46,725
And if you're saying that,
553
00:28:47,142 --> 00:28:50,812
then you're telling every single
overweight teenager in America to just...
554
00:28:51,563 --> 00:28:53,315
shut up and take it.
555
00:28:54,816 --> 00:28:57,778
Even if it means
getting punched in the face.
556
00:28:59,988 --> 00:29:03,367
And that's not exactly a message
I wanna be sending.
557
00:29:03,951 --> 00:29:04,910
Do you, your honor?
558
00:29:14,378 --> 00:29:15,921
Case dismissed!
559
00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:18,507
We should celebrate, make out.
560
00:29:18,590 --> 00:29:20,550
With guys, not each other.
561
00:29:21,134 --> 00:29:23,470
It's balls that homeless guy
wasn't there to see me win.
562
00:29:23,553 --> 00:29:26,265
- Can we file a counter suit?
- Why? He's homeless.
563
00:29:26,348 --> 00:29:30,602
Yeah, I want revenge against anyone
who has ever been mean to me.
564
00:29:30,686 --> 00:29:32,980
I had a taste of victory,
but it's not enough.
565
00:29:33,063 --> 00:29:35,941
- I want more.
- The best revenge is a life well lived.
566
00:29:36,858 --> 00:29:40,946
You could be a role model for girls
that struggle with their weight.
567
00:29:41,029 --> 00:29:42,406
You could show them what's possible.
568
00:29:42,823 --> 00:29:45,784
You could help change the system
from the inside.
569
00:29:47,327 --> 00:29:48,328
Pageants.
570
00:29:49,204 --> 00:29:50,497
I'd like to coach you.
571
00:29:51,164 --> 00:29:53,208
Excuse, like beauty pageants?
572
00:29:53,292 --> 00:29:56,503
Yes! Look at her, Angie, she's stunning.
573
00:29:56,878 --> 00:30:00,257
Yeah, I know,
she looks like me when I was her age,
574
00:30:00,507 --> 00:30:02,509
- except smaller boobs.
- And...
575
00:30:05,554 --> 00:30:06,680
You won your first.
576
00:30:06,763 --> 00:30:09,933
Being in front of a judge,
that is the biggest pageant there is.
577
00:30:11,018 --> 00:30:12,019
Beauty pageant.
578
00:30:12,352 --> 00:30:14,771
We'll start small, Miss Magic Jesus.
579
00:30:15,689 --> 00:30:17,482
But with me on your team,
580
00:30:17,941 --> 00:30:23,739
I think you have a shot
at being the next Miss USA.
581
00:30:24,906 --> 00:30:26,074
What do you say?
582
00:30:31,913 --> 00:30:33,081
Absolutely not.
583
00:30:33,623 --> 00:30:37,794
I don't want my daughter
sexualized, objectified.
584
00:30:38,337 --> 00:30:40,297
Especially not by older men.
585
00:30:40,964 --> 00:30:43,258
You stay away, okay? From both of us.
586
00:30:43,717 --> 00:30:45,802
No, mom! Hey!
587
00:30:50,390 --> 00:30:53,268
I don't wanna hear another word
about Bob Armstrong, okay?
588
00:30:53,352 --> 00:30:55,062
You won your case, you got skinny.
589
00:30:55,145 --> 00:30:56,605
- That's enough.
- No, it's not.
590
00:30:57,272 --> 00:31:00,359
I could be famous,
like Drew Barrymore famous.
591
00:31:00,609 --> 00:31:03,570
So all those jack holes
who made fun of me will be so jealous,
592
00:31:03,653 --> 00:31:04,821
they can't even breathe.
593
00:31:04,905 --> 00:31:09,493
Come on, I'm a 100 days sober.
Today is supposed to be about me!
594
00:31:11,244 --> 00:31:13,622
Crap, these donuts are supposed to be
for the meeting.
595
00:31:13,997 --> 00:31:17,417
I have a box of chocolates in the trunk,
if you wanna pound those back, too?
596
00:31:19,169 --> 00:31:20,420
Those my shorty shorts?
597
00:31:20,879 --> 00:31:22,297
Yeah, that okay?
598
00:31:23,173 --> 00:31:25,842
Sure, they look better on you.
599
00:31:29,596 --> 00:31:32,557
Her mother was jealous,
it was written all over her face.
600
00:31:33,141 --> 00:31:35,268
I was gonna help her do
something important.
601
00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:37,854
Well, it's not like
she'll be curing ass cancer.
602
00:31:38,271 --> 00:31:40,941
I can't imagine
how different my life would be,
603
00:31:41,274 --> 00:31:44,277
if someone had encouraged me to be myself,
604
00:31:44,611 --> 00:31:48,448
instead of spending my entire adolescence
being the other Bob
605
00:31:48,532 --> 00:31:54,287
being obfuscated by the dazzling light
that is Bob Bagina Barnard.
606
00:31:54,621 --> 00:31:56,206
Did you just say "bagina"?
607
00:31:56,289 --> 00:31:58,792
Plus, he's so perfect all the time!
608
00:31:59,167 --> 00:32:03,463
Him and Etta Mae and Magnolia.
It's just...
609
00:32:03,547 --> 00:32:06,091
Ugh, if Patty had just let me coach her.
610
00:32:06,258 --> 00:32:07,342
Oh my god.
611
00:32:08,427 --> 00:32:10,095
You never cared about helping that girl,
612
00:32:10,178 --> 00:32:11,847
you just wanted to stick it
to Bob Barnard.
613
00:32:11,930 --> 00:32:14,141
- That is so not true.
- That is true.
614
00:32:14,224 --> 00:32:17,310
You thought that
you could use Patty to beat Magnolia.
615
00:32:17,394 --> 00:32:18,478
Screw Magnolia.
616
00:32:18,562 --> 00:32:21,231
- If the stick was any further up her...
- Hi.
617
00:32:21,314 --> 00:32:24,276
Mr. Armstrong. Mrs. Armstrong.
618
00:32:24,359 --> 00:32:27,404
- Magnolia.
- Wow, look, what are the odds?
619
00:32:27,487 --> 00:32:28,530
I work here.
620
00:32:30,073 --> 00:32:31,491
Those are pretty good odds.
621
00:32:31,575 --> 00:32:32,492
All right, well,
622
00:32:32,576 --> 00:32:35,620
I'm gonna get going now.
Will you have your mother call me?
623
00:32:35,704 --> 00:32:37,539
I wanna talk about Junior League.
624
00:32:37,622 --> 00:32:40,584
Actually, I'll just call her myself.
You look beautiful.
625
00:32:40,917 --> 00:32:42,419
And you, I love you.
626
00:32:45,464 --> 00:32:49,301
I'm sorry about what I said,
I was a little upset.
627
00:32:49,676 --> 00:32:50,886
But, I agree with you.
628
00:32:51,178 --> 00:32:53,180
Especially the stuff you said
about my dad.
629
00:32:54,764 --> 00:32:58,101
But do you... really think I'm stuck up?
630
00:33:00,479 --> 00:33:04,608
I think it must be tough,
living up to your father's expectations.
631
00:33:04,691 --> 00:33:07,235
That is something
I can relate to very much.
632
00:33:08,528 --> 00:33:10,780
You know what would
really piss off my dad?
633
00:33:11,948 --> 00:33:14,242
If I hired you as my coach.
634
00:33:14,326 --> 00:33:15,285
Magnolia.
635
00:33:15,494 --> 00:33:16,703
Less chit chat, hon.
636
00:33:16,995 --> 00:33:19,414
My parents are out tonight,
you should come by.
637
00:33:20,081 --> 00:33:21,166
We can talk strategy.
638
00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:32,302
And I know I'll never wake up
in the middle of a field again.
639
00:33:33,136 --> 00:33:35,430
And I couldn't have done it
without your support.
640
00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:38,016
Thank you, thank you.
641
00:33:39,518 --> 00:33:41,978
Anybody else celebrating 100 days?
642
00:33:43,522 --> 00:33:46,024
Who's that guy? He looks familiar.
643
00:33:46,358 --> 00:33:48,068
I don't know, I've never seen him before.
644
00:33:48,151 --> 00:33:50,654
Hi, I'm John and I'm an alcoholic.
645
00:33:50,987 --> 00:33:51,988
Hi, John.
646
00:33:52,322 --> 00:33:55,867
When I first came in here,
I never thought I'd last a day.
647
00:33:56,868 --> 00:33:58,203
I lost my job, my home.
648
00:33:59,204 --> 00:34:03,750
But, I didn't admit I had a problem
until I punched a fat girl in the face.
649
00:34:05,961 --> 00:34:07,837
And I don't know
if I'll ever forgive myself.
650
00:34:07,921 --> 00:34:10,215
I couldn't believe that was
my homeless guy.
651
00:34:10,298 --> 00:34:12,175
And people were giving him love?
652
00:34:12,259 --> 00:34:15,345
I wanted to rip out his fingernails
one by one,
653
00:34:15,637 --> 00:34:18,181
but I'd have to come up with
something less crazy.
654
00:34:22,978 --> 00:34:25,313
Bob. Hi. Come on in.
655
00:34:25,605 --> 00:34:27,023
- Thanks.
- Do you want a drink?
656
00:34:27,607 --> 00:34:29,192
It's a 21 year old single malt.
657
00:34:29,276 --> 00:34:30,777
Oh, no.
658
00:34:31,444 --> 00:34:32,529
Thank you. I, uh...
659
00:34:33,780 --> 00:34:35,365
That is older than you are.
660
00:34:35,657 --> 00:34:36,950
I'm an old soul.
661
00:34:39,786 --> 00:34:43,206
Um, come upstairs, I wanna show you
my wardrobe for Miss Magic Jesus.
662
00:34:43,290 --> 00:34:46,084
Looking back,
it was probably a bad idea
663
00:34:46,167 --> 00:34:49,796
for a falsely accused molester
to follow an underage drunk girl upstairs.
664
00:34:49,879 --> 00:34:51,881
But I had a one track mind
665
00:34:52,173 --> 00:34:53,842
and it wasn't the same as hers.
666
00:34:54,134 --> 00:34:56,011
What do you think of this,
667
00:34:56,094 --> 00:34:57,345
for Miss Magic Jesus?
668
00:34:57,804 --> 00:35:00,557
Nice. That is perfect for your body type.
669
00:35:00,807 --> 00:35:03,560
I don't know... Can I show you?
670
00:35:04,185 --> 00:35:06,730
- Magnolia!
- Oh, come on.
671
00:35:06,813 --> 00:35:09,316
- You can look.
- You have got to stop!
672
00:35:12,777 --> 00:35:13,987
That is not what this is.
673
00:35:15,322 --> 00:35:17,741
- Is that your parents?
- Hey, Magnolia!
674
00:35:18,700 --> 00:35:21,578
- Brick? I thought you broke up?
- We did.
675
00:35:21,661 --> 00:35:23,163
But he's finally ready to apologize
676
00:35:23,246 --> 00:35:25,540
for getting drunk
and bailing on Miss Salty Grits.
677
00:35:25,624 --> 00:35:26,708
- Wait.
- You should go.
678
00:35:26,791 --> 00:35:28,376
- Where are you?
- No.
679
00:35:30,086 --> 00:35:31,921
Are you in your room?
680
00:35:33,465 --> 00:35:35,967
I'm coming upstairs. Magnolia?
681
00:35:48,521 --> 00:35:49,439
Look at him.
682
00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:52,567
He thinks he can hurt me
and then have me arrested
683
00:35:52,651 --> 00:35:54,736
and then just move on with his life?
684
00:35:55,779 --> 00:35:56,613
No.
685
00:35:56,988 --> 00:35:58,031
I'm gonna screw that guy.
686
00:35:59,032 --> 00:36:00,742
You mean like, screw him over?
687
00:36:01,910 --> 00:36:03,870
No. No, I mean, like bang him.
688
00:36:04,829 --> 00:36:07,123
You wanna lose your virginity
to a homeless man?
689
00:36:07,666 --> 00:36:09,918
Look at him, he's kind of hot.
690
00:36:10,377 --> 00:36:13,046
In a "I'd do you in your cardboard box"
type of way.
691
00:36:13,129 --> 00:36:15,048
I don't think that's a thing.
692
00:36:15,256 --> 00:36:18,718
I'm gonna sleep with him
and he's going to be so in love with me.
693
00:36:18,802 --> 00:36:21,554
And I'm going to reject him
and he's gonna be crushed.
694
00:36:21,638 --> 00:36:22,681
It'll be epic.
695
00:36:23,139 --> 00:36:26,976
But don't you want your first time
to be with someone special?
696
00:36:27,727 --> 00:36:29,562
With someone who loves you?
697
00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:34,192
No, I'd rather have revenge.
698
00:36:37,237 --> 00:36:38,113
Hey.
699
00:36:39,614 --> 00:36:41,366
I really dug your share.
700
00:36:42,075 --> 00:36:43,702
Would you wanna grab coffee?
701
00:36:44,661 --> 00:36:45,912
Yeah.
702
00:36:49,124 --> 00:36:51,710
Get ready to have your mind blown,
homeless guy?
703
00:36:51,876 --> 00:36:53,670
I have a name, it's John.
704
00:36:54,337 --> 00:36:55,255
Don't care.
705
00:36:55,588 --> 00:36:57,590
- Cigarette?
- No.
706
00:36:58,174 --> 00:36:59,592
It keeps the pounds off.
707
00:37:00,844 --> 00:37:03,346
And nobody likes a fatty.
708
00:37:03,972 --> 00:37:04,889
Am I right?
709
00:37:06,599 --> 00:37:09,477
He was a pig! And a liar.
710
00:37:09,561 --> 00:37:10,854
He wasn't even sober.
711
00:37:11,646 --> 00:37:13,565
I wasn't sure I could go through with it.
712
00:37:14,107 --> 00:37:16,317
But I had to get my revenge.
713
00:37:24,743 --> 00:37:25,577
Hey.
714
00:37:28,538 --> 00:37:29,372
Wake up.
715
00:37:30,832 --> 00:37:32,000
Homeless guy, wake up!
716
00:37:33,209 --> 00:37:35,170
What about my plan
to get back at him?
717
00:37:35,628 --> 00:37:36,671
I got robbed.
718
00:37:37,088 --> 00:37:39,632
My demon was out and she was hungry.
719
00:37:41,426 --> 00:37:42,469
Insatiable.
720
00:37:42,969 --> 00:37:44,345
I still felt empty.
721
00:37:44,888 --> 00:37:47,098
Like the same pissed off fat girl.
722
00:37:47,348 --> 00:37:50,477
And I would have done anything
to make that feeling go away.
723
00:38:00,361 --> 00:38:03,114
And then I saw it, Firestarter.
724
00:38:03,448 --> 00:38:05,283
It was divine intervention,
725
00:38:05,742 --> 00:38:08,119
like a sign from God Herself.
726
00:38:08,661 --> 00:38:10,371
What would Drew Barrymore do?
727
00:38:50,703 --> 00:38:52,163
I'd hit rock bottom.
728
00:38:53,122 --> 00:38:54,582
I was out of options.
729
00:39:02,173 --> 00:39:05,176
What are you doing with your life?
730
00:39:20,567 --> 00:39:23,778
And then, I got my answer.
731
00:39:24,571 --> 00:39:26,948
Like a message from God Himself.
732
00:39:32,161 --> 00:39:35,248
Why'd I stop? Bob was right.
733
00:39:35,331 --> 00:39:37,584
The best revenge was a life well lived.
734
00:39:37,876 --> 00:39:40,128
- I could be the master of my own fate.
- Hello?
735
00:39:40,545 --> 00:39:42,589
You're the only one who understands me.
736
00:39:43,256 --> 00:39:44,966
I don't care what my mom says.
737
00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:48,052
The whole beauty pageant thing, I'm in.
738
00:39:50,430 --> 00:39:52,223
I never much believed in fate,
739
00:39:53,141 --> 00:39:56,185
until I met Patty Bladell.
740
00:39:56,269 --> 00:39:59,939
She was my destiny.