I've heard stories of girls who grow up happy and well adjusted...
...with a healthy relationship to food and their bodies.
Screw those bitches!
I went on my first diet at just eight years old.
For as long as I can remember, I've been hungry.
Insatiable, really.
I spent my entire adolescence hating my body,
the target of bullying and cruel jokes.
So, while my classmates were out losing their virginity,
I was at home, stuffing another hole,
binging my brains out
and watching every Drew Barrymore movie ever made.
With Nonnie, my only friend.
But if you're thinking of feeling bad for me, don't.
I know now.
All of those years I spent feeling miserable,
they made me who I am.
So I would be ready when I met Bob Armstrong.
- Hi, Bob. - He was my destiny.
I never much believed in destiny.
I was the master of my own fate.
I had a booming law practice,
a wardrobe to rival Andy Cohen's,
a picture-perfect family.
But my greatest joy
was the time I spent moonlighting as a pageant coach.
Who would have thought
playing Henry Higgins in a church production of My Fair Lady
would have shown me my true calling?
Helping young ladies become their very best selves.
But that wasn't enough.
I had an insatiable need to win
and Dixie Sinclair could go all the way.
There was just one problem,
her personality.
So, we've been thinking about what you said.
About my interview.
Yes, neutral topics, no politics.
Neutral won't win.
We came up with a great argument
about keeping trannies out of the ladies room.
You can't stay "trannies."
- It's homophobic. - We're not!
We wanna keep the homophobes out of our country.
Oh, my god.
I was tired of making food my higher power,
I wanted to be in control.
I went on a cleanse, started counting my steps.
Take a lap, you're late.
Smells like bacon.
Just ignore 'em.
Are you okay? When was the last time you ate?
Last... Tuesday.
I was used to feeling bad about myself.
High school was a nightmare.
But Brick Armstrong...
was like a dream come true.
There was only one person
who was a bigger nightmare than Dixie's mom, Regina.
Hey! I wanted to wish y'all luck.
Bob Bag-o-Boners Barnard.
He was the DA, my nemesis in work,
and he was my nemesis in life.
With his perfect hair and his perfect smile and his perfect beard.
Bob.
Good luck to you and Magnolia, too.
His daughter, Magnolia, had won every pageant in Georgia.
I was dying to dethrone her.
No family should live in fear of their child getting sick
because they can't afford health care.
Thank you.
Dixie and Magnolia were tied. It all came down to the interview.
Dixie Sinclair.
What are your thoughts about ISIS?
A political question.
I prayed that Dixie would follow my guidance.
Ices? Like Italian ices?
I love 'em. Orange is my favorite.
Thank you.
But fate had other plans.
I feel like a stalker.
The fact that Brick comes here for beer every night and we happen to be here
is pure coincidence.
Oh, my god, he's here. Come on.
Let's go.
Brick. Brick Armstrong?
Yeah? Oh.
You're the one from my gym class. You feeling better?
Er, yeah.
Patty wants to ask you for coffee,
to say thanks for earlier.
You know, like a date.
Ow.
God, you thought that just 'cause I was nice to you, that...
Wow. Wow, uh...
I gotta go.
I was crushed, but I had to keep a brave face.
This is your fault!
For trying to dim her light.
I want my money back, or else.
Or else what? It's over, Regina.
I demand a rematch!
Dixie was disturbed, because of him.
He touched her hoo-hoo!
What? No, no!
She's lying!
And that was it.
I was an accused molester saying the victim made it up,
which was almost as bad as if I'd actually done it.
It was the single worst moment of my life.
I thought it was the worst moment of my life.
But looking back, it was one of the best.
'Cause it brought me to the man who put me on the path
to becoming the most famous beauty queen in the country.
Hey, you got five bucks?
How about that candy bar?
It's not like you need it, fatty.
What can I say? This story is full of some crazy...
Regina never formally pressed charges,
because she made the whole thing up,
but she still ruined my reputation.
Three months later, I still couldn't get a single coaching gig, or legal case.
- Don't look him in the eye. - I felt empty
and the last thing I needed was a pep talk from my dad.
You had so much potential, Bob.
Graduated top of the class.
Best damn litigator in all of Georgia.
Civil litigation, criminal.
Then you went and ruined it, by trying to play princess,
- like some big old... - Can we skip the lecture
- and just get straight to the firing? - Oh, I'm not gonna fire you yet.
Matter of fact, I have a case for you.
Defending a teenage girl.
She punched a homeless guy in the face.
They can't pay, but at least it'll give you something to do.
Since when do we do pro-bono?
Since nobody cares about fatties or homeless people.
I'm tired of you sitting around doing diddly squat.
You're an embarrassment, Bob. To me, to yourself, to the family, to me.
You said "to me" twice.
Thank you so much for coming.
I begged every lawyer in town to take my daughter's case pro-bono.
I am an advocate for the underdog, being one myself.
I'm sorry, but as a mother, I just have to ask.
The accusations were completely false.
I'm a champion of women, especially young women.
I wanna touch as many of them as I possibly can.
Is your daughter at home?
Oh, unfortunately, no.
I will need to speak with her.
Well, she'll email you.
Oh, her jaw's wired shut. That homeless guy broke it.
She's the one who got arrested?
Well, she did break his nose.
He tried to take away her chocolate bar.
She's very serious about her food.
Here, here she is.
See? It can't be easy, you know,
looking like that
and having a mother who looks like me.
I didn't have to imagine, I'd lived through it.
My own yearbook filled with insults.
I was almost Miss Georgia back in the day,
but I got knocked up.
Had Patty,
started at the Wiener Taco.
I blame myself.
I was a drunken whore.
But I am sober now.
And I really wanna do right by her.
Her arraignment is in two days, so...
Please.
Mr. Armstrong...
Can't you help us?
I got a case.
- We're celebrating. - Nobody's coming to our gala.
Regina Sinclair sent an email to the entire PTA.
If any of y'all go to that molester's gala,
me and all of the other single moms
will veto the daddy-daughter chastity dance.
She should. It's creepy and incestuous.
Bob, that is not the point.
We have got to do something.
I'm gonna talk to Etta Mae Barnard.
Oh, absolutely not.
Bob, Etta Mae has influence and if we wanna get back
- into high society... - Wait, wait.
Is that why you started this center? I thought
you wanted to honor my mama's memory.
Do you wanna talk about your mama?
Or do you wanna celebrate?
Dinner's ready.
Adele, again.
You got dumped three months ago.
Just trying to drown out you and Mom celebrating in the kitchen.
Brick Armstrong, show some respect.
You got something on your pants.
I decided to go for a plea agreement.
Settle for probation.
I figured the best I could do was keep Patty out of jail,
and move on.
Where's Patty?
- You said she got her wires out today. - I'm right here.
Hey, it's so nice to finally meet you, Mr. Armstrong.
Broken jaw, liquid diet.
She must have lost 70 pounds.
She was a diamond in the rough.
A beauty queen just waiting to happen.
My chance for redemption.
I just had one question.
Patty.
What's a world conflict you're interested in?
Aleppo, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
And don't get me started on the rape crisis in Haiti.
I knew from the moment I saw her, Patty was my great white hope.
An "it gets better" story for bullied fat girls
and falsely accused molesters everywhere.
But, I had to figure out a way to clear her name.
Because convicted felons can't be beauty queens.
Change of plans.
We plead not guilty.
Argue self-defense, file a motion to dismiss at the preliminary hearing.
Well, what happened to settling?
Pretty girls don't have to settle.
Bob was like a white knight, riding in on his horse to defend me.
He almost seemed too good to be true.
Can I ask you a question, Mr. Armstrong?
Call me Bob.
- Are you banging my mom, Bob? - What?
No! Why would you...
'Cause every lawyer in town turned us down.
That is because they don't understand you like I do you.
Nobody understood me, not even Nonnie.
Do you think I always looked this good?
Back in the day, I had to shop in the husky section.
But Bob and I were kindred spirits.
I thought once I lost that weight,
that I would feel powerful.
But I felt scared, I felt vulnerable.
I know, I feel like a raw nerve.
Of course, without that extra padding, you've lost your first line of defense.
But that is okay.
'Cause now, you got me.
He was more than a white knight.
He wanted to be the armor, too.
I knew then we were soul mates.
Since Patty was sure there weren't any witnesses,
it would be Patty's word against a homeless guy's.
So, I figured I'd just catch
Bob Baywatch-body Barnard after his morning run,
and get him to drop the case.
I'm not dropping the case.
Why not? It was self-defense.
Well, my witness tells another story.
What, witness? Who?
Oh, you didn't know?
The clerk at Booze and Stuff says he saw her strike first.
My advice,
go back to the judge, cop a plea.
Seriously?
I know I was supposed to hate Etta Mae Barnard,
but the truth is, I wanted to be just like her.
She was the president of the PTA, the church sisterhood
and the Junior League.
To top it all off,
she had the sexiest husband in town.
Extra large, babe.
I wanted more than Etta Mae's help,
I wanted her life.
Now,
what can I do for you, honey?
It's about my gala that Regina's trying to doody can.
Do you think maybe you could convince the ladies to show up?
I mean, you are the president of the PTA and the Junior League.
Coralee.
You don't get to be in my position by rocking the boat.
What if I offered you a quid pro quo.
Huh.
Now, I know little Bo's been selling chocolate bars at church,
and he's just dying to win first prize.
And I know he forfeited last year,
because you got caught buying all the chocolate bars yourself.
Well, allegedly.
Yes, so you were falsely accused, just like my Bob.
How about I buy all your son's chocolate bars,
and you get me my RSVPs?
I hope you brought your checkbook.
You're watching 50 First Dates
- on our Drew Barrymore marathon. - The plan is to...
Oh, Nonnie, did I tell you? Bob called me pretty.
Sorry, no one's ever said that to me before.
I do. All the time.
Yeah, but it's different, you're a girl.
He's a man.
And a total DILF.
What? Are you, like, in love with him or something?
Wha... Oh my god, no. No. Ugh.
- No. Dude... - What are you writing in here?
Ugh. Are you crazy?
- He's a child molester! - Which means I might actually have a shot.
Oh, my god. He's calling.
Hey, Bob.
We're in a pinch!
There is another witness, the clerk at the Booze and Stuff.
He says he saw you hit first.
- What do we do? - We need to create a new narrative.
Turn you into the damsel in distress. Are you busy right now?
No, I'm totally free, I'm around. I'm not doing anything at all.
Together? Do you wanna pick... Come get me and we go together?
Okay, great. I'll see you soon.
You gotta go. Bob is giving me a makeover.
He's coming over now.
Patty's hearing would be like her very first pageant.
Which meant appearances would be everything.
If we're gonna make you out to be the victim,
you need to look the part.
In a sense, beautiful,
like someone who would never throw a punch.
White?
Won't it make me look fat?
Trust me, this is what I do.
Like you need a pearl necklace.
Now, you look like a winner.
But looks weren't enough.
She needed to feel like one, too.
You stole Patty's journal?
- That's crazy. - You don't understand,
she's obsessed with him.
God, she has a crush. It's normal.
You're obsessed with Patty. You have been for years.
I am not.
We're best friends,
like in Heavenly Creatures.
A friend would just be happy she's happy.
You're jealous.
Lay off the chips, Ange.
That's a lot of swallowing, even for you.
What are those?
Oh, chocolate bars. My wife's selling them for charity.
Let me help.
You've been so good to me,
I would love to do something nice for you and your family.
Screw his family,
we were perfect together. Even our clothes matched.
I won't eat them, I swear.
No, save that for your testimony.
- We start work on that tomorrow. - I'm free tonight.
Ah, I can't.
Wife's throwing a charity gala.
Start reading about Catherine the Great, Cleopatra,
anyone who uses their beauty for power.
This testimony, it's not just about facts,
it's a seduction.
I got Bob's message loud and clear.
Cleopatra had seduced some much older man,
but I preferred a more contemporary role model.
Drew Barrymore as Amy Fisher,
the greatest seductress in American history.
I asked my lawyer if I could get you conjugal visits and he said,
"Get married, it's the only way."
And I said, "No way, you're a miracle worker."
If Bob wanted me to seduce him,
I needed practice.
And if the clerk was a problem,
I could kill two birds with one stone.
Amy didn't give it up to Joey Buttafuco right away.
Wait, not yet.
When?
I don't know, I have to check my schedule.
I might be going to jail.
You don't want me to go to jail, do you?
Welcome to the gala for anal cancer.
Or you could just say, "Thank you for coming."
You could just stand there and look pretty in that dress that I picked out for you.
Sorry I'm late. I had a date.
- What are these? - Ribbons.
You know, like how breast cancer has those cute little pink ones.
- Oh. - So for ass cancer...
Anal. Have some respect for your grandmother.
You went with brown.
Seems like a bad choice.
- All the other colors were taken. - Excuse me.
- Patty, what are you doing here? - Hi, Bob.
I just wanted to tell you I took care of the clerk
- from Booze and Stuff. - What do you mean...
What did you do?
Don't worry, it wasn't anything illegal. I didn't ask him to lie for me or anything
and I just left him wanting more.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Who the hell is this? - This is my new client.
Patty, meet my wife.
- Hello. - Hi.
Can I talk to you for a minute, alone?
Need I remind you that you were just accused of being a child molester?
And look at her. She looks like an underage hooker.
Now, listen to me. You ask her to leave, or I will.
Hurry up.
Patty, maybe it's better that we talk tomorrow. Holy hell.
It's Regina and Dixie Sinclair.
They're the ones who accused me.
Hi, I don't care what you have to say about Bob Armstrong,
he's the best thing that has ever happened to me.
- We don't... - Nice outfit.
How old are you?
Okay, okay, sweetie. Now it's time to go.
- Security! I'm sorry, Bob. - Coralee, will you stop?
- Okay. - Hey!
Are you crazy?
Bob's wife was a shrew,
but I was already driving a wedge between them.
The Long Island Lolita would have been proud.
There was something going on between him and jail bait Jane.
This could be our chance to take him out for good.
You mean, kill him?
- Hey, diddle diddle. - Regina.
Whatever it is you're doing, please stop.
You know, I never touched her.
Plenty of people think you did.
Plenty of people think red and pink don't clash.
Excuse me, I have a speech to give.
A lot of people ask me, why anal cancer?
My mother was afflicted by this terrible disease,
but so many are affected and don't seek treatment.
They're embarrassed by the symptoms.
Diarrhea.
Disgusting!
Rectal itching.
Fecal discharge.
Seriously. What is she, like five?
We have to bring anal cancer out of the closet.
It is a silent, but deadly killer.
- Does he even know what he's saying? - Sorry we're late.
Barnard.
We just got back from the county fair.
Magnolia qualified for Miss Magic Jesus.
Oh!
That's great, but, er...
Thank you for coming,
we've got a great turnout. Thanks you to Etta Mae.
- Excuse me? - Oh, well, a deal's a deal.
And I talked to the junior leaguers about you, too.
- Ahem. As I was saying... - Did you get a spray tan?
Oh, I've been training for a marathon,
- so maybe I got some color. - Honey?
Well, you are glowing.
Are we done?
Or is your tan more important
than saving someone's anus from cancer?
One! Kick!
You ruined everything!
All my hard work!
I'm sorry, Regina and Dixie threw me off.
And then Bob Backstreet Boy Barnard stole my spotlight.
And now I can't join the Junior League.
Back to square one.
Except I wasn't.
That's Patty. We're working on her testimony.
Can you get the door? I have got to change.
That's him.
Unfortunately, I don't have anything on the girl.
That's fine.
I'll just start by following him.
I'm sorry.
You just... You seem awfully young to be a PI.
And hot.
I promise, ladies.
I'm very experienced.
Everybody thinks we're sisters.
I mean, I could take it from my peers and my mom.
Even my Nutra-Right leader.
But, this guy?
I mean, this guy who smelled of booze and onions...
Stop! When you're on the stand, you are playing a role.
And you are done playing fatty Patty.
Remember, seduce me.
- Play the damsel. - I'm trying.
Come here.
I wanted to let go of fatty Patty,
but after all those years of torture, she was in me, like a demon.
Now.
Tell me what you feel about what you see.
I don't know.
Close your eyes.
Tell me the truth.
I feel like I don't deserve you.
Your support.
You think you deserve to be punched?
You didn't.
You were the victim of bullying, of society.
He was right. I was fat, I was out of control.
- You were sick, you were scared. - I still want to eat all the time.
- And why don't you? - Because...
I'm afraid if I get fat again, you won't think I'm beautiful.
You are beautiful. Inside and out.
You came through hell and lived to tell about it.
And when you are on that stand, you are gonna find that voice,
so you never have to eat over it again.
- What if I can't? - You can.
I'll help ya.
Because I believe in you.
And...
Because quite honestly,
you're the first person,
in a very long time, that has believed in me.
I'd filed a motion to dismiss and everything was in order.
Patty looked great.
And homeless guy didn't even bother to show up.
But it was up to me to prove self-defense,
which meant Patty had to be more convincing than the clerk.
What was that?
He's like, kind of in love with me.
- Because I... - Don't say another word.
It was a risk to call their witness myself,
but if Patty was right, I could ruin their case
and stick it to Bob Baby Banana Barnard.
So, I took a leap of faith.
The defense calls Donald Choi.
Tell us the events of August 29th, as you recall them.
Let me remind you, young man, that you're under oath.
I don't remember.
I'm sorry.
Whatever Patty had done, it worked.
Now, it all came down to her testimony.
He threatened me verbally
and then he got physically aggressive.
He was making comments about my body, so I thought...
he was gonna try and force himself on me.
And what did you do?
I defended myself.
Nothing further, your honor.
Patty had played the damsel perfectly.
She just had to survive a cross examination by Captain Dildacorn.
Ms. Bladell.
You said the victim commented on your body.
What did he say exactly?
He called me a fatty.
"And nobody calls me fatty!"
That was the written statement you gave the arresting officer.
- I don't remember writing that. - Your remember punching him?
Hard enough to break his nose?
Yes, but...
Would you say you're a violent person, Ms. Bladell?
No. No, definitely not.
So then why would you hit him?
Was it because he was trying to take your food?
Sure, fatty Patty threw a punch to protect her chocolate.
Are you saying... I deserved what happened?
Just because I was fat?
- No. No, no, no, no, no. - Because I didn't.
And if you're saying that,
then you're telling every single overweight teenager in America to just...
shut up and take it.
Even if it means getting punched in the face.
And that's not exactly a message I wanna be sending.
Do you, your honor?
Case dismissed!
We should celebrate, make out.
With guys, not each other.
It's balls that homeless guy wasn't there to see me win.
- Can we file a counter suit? - Why? He's homeless.
Yeah, I want revenge against anyone who has ever been mean to me.
I had a taste of victory, but it's not enough.
- I want more. - The best revenge is a life well lived.
You could be a role model for girls that struggle with their weight.
You could show them what's possible.
You could help change the system from the inside.
Pageants.
I'd like to coach you.
Excuse, like beauty pageants?
Yes! Look at her, Angie, she's stunning.
Yeah, I know, she looks like me when I was her age,
- except smaller boobs. - And...
You won your first.
Being in front of a judge, that is the biggest pageant there is.
Beauty pageant.
We'll start small, Miss Magic Jesus.
But with me on your team,
I think you have a shot at being the next Miss USA.
What do you say?
Absolutely not.
I don't want my daughter sexualized, objectified.
Especially not by older men.
You stay away, okay? From both of us.
No, mom! Hey!
I don't wanna hear another word about Bob Armstrong, okay?
You won your case, you got skinny.
- That's enough. - No, it's not.
I could be famous, like Drew Barrymore famous.
So all those jack holes who made fun of me will be so jealous,
they can't even breathe.
Come on, I'm a 100 days sober. Today is supposed to be about me!
Crap, these donuts are supposed to be for the meeting.
I have a box of chocolates in the trunk, if you wanna pound those back, too?
Those my shorty shorts?
Yeah, that okay?
Sure, they look better on you.
Her mother was jealous, it was written all over her face.
I was gonna help her do something important.
Well, it's not like she'll be curing ass cancer.
I can't imagine how different my life would be,
if someone had encouraged me to be myself,
instead of spending my entire adolescence being the other Bob
being obfuscated by the dazzling light that is Bob Bagina Barnard.
Did you just say "bagina"?
Plus, he's so perfect all the time!
Him and Etta Mae and Magnolia. It's just...
Ugh, if Patty had just let me coach her.
Oh my god.
You never cared about helping that girl,
you just wanted to stick it to Bob Barnard.
- That is so not true. - That is true.
You thought that you could use Patty to beat Magnolia.
Screw Magnolia.
- If the stick was any further up her... - Hi.
Mr. Armstrong. Mrs. Armstrong.
- Magnolia. - Wow, look, what are the odds?
I work here.
Those are pretty good odds.
All right, well,
I'm gonna get going now. Will you have your mother call me?
I wanna talk about Junior League.
Actually, I'll just call her myself. You look beautiful.
And you, I love you.
I'm sorry about what I said, I was a little upset.
But, I agree with you.
Especially the stuff you said about my dad.
But do you... really think I'm stuck up?
I think it must be tough, living up to your father's expectations.
That is something I can relate to very much.
You know what would really piss off my dad?
If I hired you as my coach.
Magnolia.
Less chit chat, hon.
My parents are out tonight, you should come by.
We can talk strategy.
And I know I'll never wake up in the middle of a field again.
And I couldn't have done it without your support.
Thank you, thank you.
Anybody else celebrating 100 days?
Who's that guy? He looks familiar.
I don't know, I've never seen him before.
Hi, I'm John and I'm an alcoholic.
Hi, John.
When I first came in here, I never thought I'd last a day.
I lost my job, my home.
But, I didn't admit I had a problem until I punched a fat girl in the face.
And I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself.
I couldn't believe that was my homeless guy.
And people were giving him love?
I wanted to rip out his fingernails one by one,
but I'd have to come up with something less crazy.
Bob. Hi. Come on in.
- Thanks. - Do you want a drink?
It's a 21 year old single malt.
Oh, no.
Thank you. I, uh...
That is older than you are.
I'm an old soul.
Um, come upstairs, I wanna show you my wardrobe for Miss Magic Jesus.
Looking back, it was probably a bad idea
for a falsely accused molester to follow an underage drunk girl upstairs.
But I had a one track mind
and it wasn't the same as hers.
What do you think of this,
for Miss Magic Jesus?
Nice. That is perfect for your body type.
I don't know... Can I show you?
- Magnolia! - Oh, come on.
- You can look. - You have got to stop!
That is not what this is.
- Is that your parents? - Hey, Magnolia!
- Brick? I thought you broke up? - We did.
But he's finally ready to apologize
for getting drunk and bailing on Miss Salty Grits.
- Wait. - You should go.
- Where are you? - No.
Are you in your room?
I'm coming upstairs. Magnolia?
Look at him.
He thinks he can hurt me and then have me arrested
and then just move on with his life?
No.
I'm gonna screw that guy.
You mean like, screw him over?
No. No, I mean, like bang him.
You wanna lose your virginity to a homeless man?
Look at him, he's kind of hot.
In a "I'd do you in your cardboard box" type of way.
I don't think that's a thing.
I'm gonna sleep with him and he's going to be so in love with me.
And I'm going to reject him and he's gonna be crushed.
It'll be epic.
But don't you want your first time to be with someone special?
With someone who loves you?
No, I'd rather have revenge.
Hey.
I really dug your share.
Would you wanna grab coffee?
Yeah.
Get ready to have your mind blown, homeless guy?
I have a name, it's John.
Don't care.
- Cigarette? - No.
It keeps the pounds off.
And nobody likes a fatty.
Am I right?
He was a pig! And a liar.
He wasn't even sober.
I wasn't sure I could go through with it.
But I had to get my revenge.
Hey.
Wake up.
Homeless guy, wake up!
What about my plan to get back at him?
I got robbed.
My demon was out and she was hungry.
Insatiable.
I still felt empty.
Like the same pissed off fat girl.
And I would have done anything to make that feeling go away.
And then I saw it, Firestarter.
It was divine intervention,
like a sign from God Herself.
What would Drew Barrymore do?
I'd hit rock bottom.
I was out of options.
What are you doing with your life?
And then, I got my answer.
Like a message from God Himself.
Why'd I stop? Bob was right.
The best revenge was a life well lived.
- I could be the master of my own fate. - Hello?
You're the only one who understands me.
I don't care what my mom says.
The whole beauty pageant thing, I'm in.
I never much believed in fate,
until I met Patty Bladell.
She was my destiny.