1 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:13,555 I've heard stories of girls who grow up happy and well adjusted... 2 00:00:14,932 --> 00:00:18,602 ...with a healthy relationship to food and their bodies. 3 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:21,563 Screw those bitches! 4 00:00:23,524 --> 00:00:26,652 I went on my first diet at just eight years old. 5 00:00:26,985 --> 00:00:29,530 For as long as I can remember, I've been hungry. 6 00:00:30,072 --> 00:00:31,365 Insatiable, really. 7 00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:34,743 I spent my entire adolescence hating my body, 8 00:00:35,077 --> 00:00:38,539 the target of bullying and cruel jokes. 9 00:00:38,664 --> 00:00:42,709 So, while my classmates were out losing their virginity, 10 00:00:42,960 --> 00:00:45,295 I was at home, stuffing another hole, 11 00:00:45,837 --> 00:00:47,130 binging my brains out 12 00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:50,676 and watching every Drew Barrymore movie ever made. 13 00:00:51,093 --> 00:00:52,594 With Nonnie, my only friend. 14 00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:55,806 But if you're thinking of feeling bad for me, don't. 15 00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:57,224 I know now. 16 00:00:57,307 --> 00:01:00,727 All of those years I spent feeling miserable, 17 00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:02,771 they made me who I am. 18 00:01:02,938 --> 00:01:05,774 So I would be ready when I met Bob Armstrong. 19 00:01:06,024 --> 00:01:09,570 - Hi, Bob. - He was my destiny. 20 00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:12,447 I never much believed in destiny. 21 00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:15,617 I was the master of my own fate. 22 00:01:15,993 --> 00:01:18,662 I had a booming law practice, 23 00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:21,707 a wardrobe to rival Andy Cohen's, 24 00:01:21,873 --> 00:01:23,959 a picture-perfect family. 25 00:01:24,459 --> 00:01:27,379 But my greatest joy 26 00:01:27,462 --> 00:01:30,716 was the time I spent moonlighting as a pageant coach. 27 00:01:30,799 --> 00:01:32,134 Who would have thought 28 00:01:32,217 --> 00:01:35,053 playing Henry Higgins in a church production of My Fair Lady 29 00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:37,764 would have shown me my true calling? 30 00:01:38,473 --> 00:01:41,393 Helping young ladies become their very best selves. 31 00:01:42,686 --> 00:01:43,854 But that wasn't enough. 32 00:01:44,146 --> 00:01:46,898 I had an insatiable need to win 33 00:01:47,399 --> 00:01:50,110 and Dixie Sinclair could go all the way. 34 00:01:50,444 --> 00:01:52,154 There was just one problem, 35 00:01:52,738 --> 00:01:54,072 her personality. 36 00:01:54,156 --> 00:01:56,533 So, we've been thinking about what you said. 37 00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:57,576 About my interview. 38 00:01:57,784 --> 00:02:00,037 Yes, neutral topics, no politics. 39 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,997 Neutral won't win. 40 00:02:02,414 --> 00:02:04,458 We came up with a great argument 41 00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:06,960 about keeping trannies out of the ladies room. 42 00:02:07,044 --> 00:02:08,503 You can't stay "trannies." 43 00:02:08,629 --> 00:02:10,172 You can't stay "trannies." 44 00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:12,924 - It's homophobic. - We're not! 45 00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:15,260 We wanna keep the homophobes out of our country. 46 00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,304 Oh, my god. 47 00:02:17,429 --> 00:02:19,973 I was tired of making food my higher power, 48 00:02:20,057 --> 00:02:21,600 I wanted to be in control. 49 00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:23,894 I went on a cleanse, started counting my steps. 50 00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,187 Take a lap, you're late. 51 00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:28,607 Smells like bacon. 52 00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:30,817 Just ignore 'em. 53 00:02:31,610 --> 00:02:33,820 Are you okay? When was the last time you ate? 54 00:02:34,363 --> 00:02:35,697 Last... Tuesday. 55 00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:39,034 I was used to feeling bad about myself. 56 00:02:39,451 --> 00:02:41,203 High school was a nightmare. 57 00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:44,289 But Brick Armstrong... 58 00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:49,294 was like a dream come true. 59 00:02:56,593 --> 00:02:58,011 There was only one person 60 00:02:58,095 --> 00:03:01,098 who was a bigger nightmare than Dixie's mom, Regina. 61 00:03:01,390 --> 00:03:04,601 Hey! I wanted to wish y'all luck. 62 00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:08,105 Bob Bag-o-Boners Barnard. 63 00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:11,149 He was the DA, my nemesis in work, 64 00:03:11,316 --> 00:03:13,735 and he was my nemesis in life. 65 00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:18,240 With his perfect hair and his perfect smile and his perfect beard. 66 00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:19,408 Bob. 67 00:03:23,662 --> 00:03:25,414 Good luck to you and Magnolia, too. 68 00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:29,334 His daughter, Magnolia, had won every pageant in Georgia. 69 00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:32,129 I was dying to dethrone her. 70 00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:35,799 No family should live in fear of their child getting sick 71 00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,759 because they can't afford health care. 72 00:03:38,385 --> 00:03:39,344 Thank you. 73 00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:46,393 Dixie and Magnolia were tied. It all came down to the interview. 74 00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:48,687 Dixie Sinclair. 75 00:03:49,521 --> 00:03:51,898 What are your thoughts about ISIS? 76 00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:54,109 A political question. 77 00:03:54,609 --> 00:03:57,279 I prayed that Dixie would follow my guidance. 78 00:03:57,362 --> 00:04:00,323 Ices? Like Italian ices? 79 00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:03,243 I love 'em. Orange is my favorite. 80 00:04:04,286 --> 00:04:05,120 Thank you. 81 00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:08,749 But fate had other plans. 82 00:04:09,332 --> 00:04:10,792 I feel like a stalker. 83 00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:15,172 The fact that Brick comes here for beer every night and we happen to be here 84 00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:16,590 is pure coincidence. 85 00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:20,469 Oh, my god, he's here. Come on. 86 00:04:21,595 --> 00:04:22,679 Let's go. 87 00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:24,848 Brick. Brick Armstrong? 88 00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:26,975 Yeah? Oh. 89 00:04:27,058 --> 00:04:29,394 You're the one from my gym class. You feeling better? 90 00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:31,021 Er, yeah. 91 00:04:33,690 --> 00:04:35,817 Patty wants to ask you for coffee, 92 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:37,694 to say thanks for earlier. 93 00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:39,780 You know, like a date. 94 00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:41,615 Ow. 95 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:45,410 God, you thought that just 'cause I was nice to you, that... 96 00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,955 Wow. Wow, uh... 97 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:50,457 I gotta go. 98 00:04:58,882 --> 00:05:02,302 I was crushed, but I had to keep a brave face. 99 00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:05,889 This is your fault! 100 00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:08,016 For trying to dim her light. 101 00:05:08,099 --> 00:05:10,143 I want my money back, or else. 102 00:05:10,352 --> 00:05:12,646 Or else what? It's over, Regina. 103 00:05:23,949 --> 00:05:25,992 I demand a rematch! 104 00:05:26,451 --> 00:05:29,037 Dixie was disturbed, because of him. 105 00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:31,873 He touched her hoo-hoo! 106 00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,209 What? No, no! 107 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:36,127 She's lying! 108 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,171 And that was it. 109 00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:42,175 I was an accused molester saying the victim made it up, 110 00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:45,470 which was almost as bad as if I'd actually done it. 111 00:05:45,554 --> 00:05:49,349 It was the single worst moment of my life. 112 00:05:50,058 --> 00:05:52,102 I thought it was the worst moment of my life. 113 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:54,396 But looking back, it was one of the best. 114 00:05:54,479 --> 00:05:56,648 'Cause it brought me to the man who put me on the path 115 00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:59,067 to becoming the most famous beauty queen in the country. 116 00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:01,361 Hey, you got five bucks? 117 00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:03,238 How about that candy bar? 118 00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:05,407 It's not like you need it, fatty. 119 00:06:09,119 --> 00:06:11,913 What can I say? This story is full of some crazy... 120 00:06:17,002 --> 00:06:19,004 Regina never formally pressed charges, 121 00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:20,839 because she made the whole thing up, 122 00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:23,925 but she still ruined my reputation. 123 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:31,433 Three months later, I still couldn't get a single coaching gig, or legal case. 124 00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:34,227 - Don't look him in the eye. - I felt empty 125 00:06:34,311 --> 00:06:37,188 and the last thing I needed was a pep talk from my dad. 126 00:06:38,106 --> 00:06:39,691 You had so much potential, Bob. 127 00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:41,484 Graduated top of the class. 128 00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:43,612 Best damn litigator in all of Georgia. 129 00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:45,322 Civil litigation, criminal. 130 00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,658 Then you went and ruined it, by trying to play princess, 131 00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,619 - like some big old... - Can we skip the lecture 132 00:06:50,702 --> 00:06:53,455 - and just get straight to the firing? - Oh, I'm not gonna fire you yet. 133 00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:55,957 Matter of fact, I have a case for you. 134 00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:57,876 Defending a teenage girl. 135 00:06:57,959 --> 00:06:59,794 She punched a homeless guy in the face. 136 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:02,547 They can't pay, but at least it'll give you something to do. 137 00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:04,257 Since when do we do pro-bono? 138 00:07:04,341 --> 00:07:07,177 Since nobody cares about fatties or homeless people. 139 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,763 I'm tired of you sitting around doing diddly squat. 140 00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:13,975 You're an embarrassment, Bob. To me, to yourself, to the family, to me. 141 00:07:15,018 --> 00:07:16,102 You said "to me" twice. 142 00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:18,521 Thank you so much for coming. 143 00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:22,192 I begged every lawyer in town to take my daughter's case pro-bono. 144 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:25,612 I am an advocate for the underdog, being one myself. 145 00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:29,866 I'm sorry, but as a mother, I just have to ask. 146 00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:33,286 The accusations were completely false. 147 00:07:33,370 --> 00:07:35,830 I'm a champion of women, especially young women. 148 00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:40,418 I wanna touch as many of them as I possibly can. 149 00:07:40,543 --> 00:07:42,504 Is your daughter at home? 150 00:07:42,837 --> 00:07:44,255 Oh, unfortunately, no. 151 00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:46,257 I will need to speak with her. 152 00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:47,842 Well, she'll email you. 153 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:51,388 Oh, her jaw's wired shut. That homeless guy broke it. 154 00:07:51,554 --> 00:07:53,139 She's the one who got arrested? 155 00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:54,891 Well, she did break his nose. 156 00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:56,810 He tried to take away her chocolate bar. 157 00:07:57,394 --> 00:07:59,104 She's very serious about her food. 158 00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:02,857 Here, here she is. 159 00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:06,861 See? It can't be easy, you know, 160 00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:08,363 looking like that 161 00:08:09,239 --> 00:08:11,282 and having a mother who looks like me. 162 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:15,328 I didn't have to imagine, I'd lived through it. 163 00:08:15,745 --> 00:08:18,164 My own yearbook filled with insults. 164 00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,792 I was almost Miss Georgia back in the day, 165 00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:22,252 but I got knocked up. 166 00:08:23,086 --> 00:08:23,920 Had Patty, 167 00:08:24,963 --> 00:08:26,715 started at the Wiener Taco. 168 00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:28,633 I blame myself. 169 00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:30,176 I was a drunken whore. 170 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:32,637 But I am sober now. 171 00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:35,807 And I really wanna do right by her. 172 00:08:36,725 --> 00:08:39,394 Her arraignment is in two days, so... 173 00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:42,355 Please. 174 00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:45,775 Mr. Armstrong... 175 00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:48,403 Can't you help us? 176 00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:55,952 I got a case. 177 00:08:56,745 --> 00:08:59,414 - We're celebrating. - Nobody's coming to our gala. 178 00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:02,375 Regina Sinclair sent an email to the entire PTA. 179 00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:05,336 If any of y'all go to that molester's gala, 180 00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:07,547 me and all of the other single moms 181 00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:10,091 will veto the daddy-daughter chastity dance. 182 00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:12,719 She should. It's creepy and incestuous. 183 00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:14,345 Bob, that is not the point. 184 00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:15,972 We have got to do something. 185 00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:17,682 I'm gonna talk to Etta Mae Barnard. 186 00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:19,601 Oh, absolutely not. 187 00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:22,687 Bob, Etta Mae has influence and if we wanna get back 188 00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:24,689 - into high society... - Wait, wait. 189 00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:27,442 Is that why you started this center? I thought 190 00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:29,444 you wanted to honor my mama's memory. 191 00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:37,202 Do you wanna talk about your mama? 192 00:09:37,869 --> 00:09:39,079 Or do you wanna celebrate? 193 00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:51,841 Dinner's ready. 194 00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:56,137 Adele, again. 195 00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:58,098 You got dumped three months ago. 196 00:09:58,181 --> 00:10:00,934 Just trying to drown out you and Mom celebrating in the kitchen. 197 00:10:01,184 --> 00:10:03,144 Brick Armstrong, show some respect. 198 00:10:03,895 --> 00:10:05,355 You got something on your pants. 199 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,406 I decided to go for a plea agreement. 200 00:10:16,199 --> 00:10:17,158 Settle for probation. 201 00:10:17,242 --> 00:10:19,744 I figured the best I could do was keep Patty out of jail, 202 00:10:19,828 --> 00:10:20,870 and move on. 203 00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:23,540 Where's Patty? 204 00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,834 - You said she got her wires out today. - I'm right here. 205 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:33,925 Hey, it's so nice to finally meet you, Mr. Armstrong. 206 00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:36,761 Broken jaw, liquid diet. 207 00:10:37,428 --> 00:10:39,597 She must have lost 70 pounds. 208 00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:41,808 She was a diamond in the rough. 209 00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:45,145 A beauty queen just waiting to happen. 210 00:10:45,603 --> 00:10:47,856 My chance for redemption. 211 00:10:49,023 --> 00:10:50,733 I just had one question. 212 00:10:51,151 --> 00:10:51,985 Patty. 213 00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:55,196 What's a world conflict you're interested in? 214 00:10:57,615 --> 00:11:00,160 Aleppo, the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. 215 00:11:00,243 --> 00:11:02,495 And don't get me started on the rape crisis in Haiti. 216 00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:16,926 I knew from the moment I saw her, Patty was my great white hope. 217 00:11:17,051 --> 00:11:19,929 An "it gets better" story for bullied fat girls 218 00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:22,599 and falsely accused molesters everywhere. 219 00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:26,144 But, I had to figure out a way to clear her name. 220 00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:29,564 Because convicted felons can't be beauty queens. 221 00:11:30,815 --> 00:11:31,733 Change of plans. 222 00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:33,526 We plead not guilty. 223 00:11:33,651 --> 00:11:37,197 Argue self-defense, file a motion to dismiss at the preliminary hearing. 224 00:11:37,739 --> 00:11:39,199 Well, what happened to settling? 225 00:11:39,616 --> 00:11:41,910 Pretty girls don't have to settle. 226 00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:47,874 Bob was like a white knight, riding in on his horse to defend me. 227 00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:50,084 He almost seemed too good to be true. 228 00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:53,087 Can I ask you a question, Mr. Armstrong? 229 00:11:53,171 --> 00:11:54,172 Call me Bob. 230 00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:56,424 - Are you banging my mom, Bob? - What? 231 00:11:57,091 --> 00:11:58,801 No! Why would you... 232 00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:01,012 'Cause every lawyer in town turned us down. 233 00:12:02,430 --> 00:12:05,850 That is because they don't understand you like I do you. 234 00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:08,811 Nobody understood me, not even Nonnie. 235 00:12:09,103 --> 00:12:10,813 Do you think I always looked this good? 236 00:12:12,357 --> 00:12:16,236 Back in the day, I had to shop in the husky section. 237 00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:18,988 But Bob and I were kindred spirits. 238 00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,241 I thought once I lost that weight, 239 00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:24,035 that I would feel powerful. 240 00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:26,287 But I felt scared, I felt vulnerable. 241 00:12:26,454 --> 00:12:28,957 I know, I feel like a raw nerve. 242 00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:33,795 Of course, without that extra padding, you've lost your first line of defense. 243 00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:36,089 But that is okay. 244 00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:38,841 'Cause now, you got me. 245 00:12:39,175 --> 00:12:41,094 He was more than a white knight. 246 00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,762 He wanted to be the armor, too. 247 00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:45,640 I knew then we were soul mates. 248 00:12:46,432 --> 00:12:48,851 Since Patty was sure there weren't any witnesses, 249 00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:51,771 it would be Patty's word against a homeless guy's. 250 00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:53,356 So, I figured I'd just catch 251 00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:57,151 Bob Baywatch-body Barnard after his morning run, 252 00:12:57,235 --> 00:12:58,820 and get him to drop the case. 253 00:12:59,195 --> 00:13:00,530 I'm not dropping the case. 254 00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:05,076 Why not? It was self-defense. 255 00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:06,744 Well, my witness tells another story. 256 00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:09,330 What, witness? Who? 257 00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:12,292 Oh, you didn't know? 258 00:13:14,419 --> 00:13:17,880 The clerk at Booze and Stuff says he saw her strike first. 259 00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:21,301 My advice, 260 00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:24,178 go back to the judge, cop a plea. 261 00:13:25,513 --> 00:13:26,347 Seriously? 262 00:13:28,474 --> 00:13:30,727 I know I was supposed to hate Etta Mae Barnard, 263 00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:33,146 but the truth is, I wanted to be just like her. 264 00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:36,774 She was the president of the PTA, the church sisterhood 265 00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:38,067 and the Junior League. 266 00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:40,820 To top it all off, 267 00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:43,364 she had the sexiest husband in town. 268 00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:45,700 Extra large, babe. 269 00:14:04,427 --> 00:14:06,471 I wanted more than Etta Mae's help, 270 00:14:06,554 --> 00:14:08,014 I wanted her life. 271 00:14:08,890 --> 00:14:09,724 Now, 272 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:11,851 what can I do for you, honey? 273 00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:14,729 It's about my gala that Regina's trying to doody can. 274 00:14:15,646 --> 00:14:18,358 Do you think maybe you could convince the ladies to show up? 275 00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:22,028 I mean, you are the president of the PTA and the Junior League. 276 00:14:22,111 --> 00:14:22,987 Coralee. 277 00:14:23,112 --> 00:14:25,823 You don't get to be in my position by rocking the boat. 278 00:14:26,741 --> 00:14:29,327 What if I offered you a quid pro quo. 279 00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:30,536 Huh. 280 00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:33,831 Now, I know little Bo's been selling chocolate bars at church, 281 00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:36,209 and he's just dying to win first prize. 282 00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:38,419 And I know he forfeited last year, 283 00:14:38,503 --> 00:14:41,839 because you got caught buying all the chocolate bars yourself. 284 00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:43,132 Well, allegedly. 285 00:14:43,549 --> 00:14:46,552 Yes, so you were falsely accused, just like my Bob. 286 00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:51,641 How about I buy all your son's chocolate bars, 287 00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:54,560 and you get me my RSVPs? 288 00:14:56,604 --> 00:14:58,064 I hope you brought your checkbook. 289 00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:03,236 You're watching 50 First Dates 290 00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:05,822 - on our Drew Barrymore marathon. - The plan is to... 291 00:15:06,155 --> 00:15:08,574 Oh, Nonnie, did I tell you? Bob called me pretty. 292 00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:12,495 Sorry, no one's ever said that to me before. 293 00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:14,789 I do. All the time. 294 00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:17,250 Yeah, but it's different, you're a girl. 295 00:15:17,500 --> 00:15:19,544 He's a man. 296 00:15:19,877 --> 00:15:21,212 And a total DILF. 297 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,424 What? Are you, like, in love with him or something? 298 00:15:24,507 --> 00:15:26,801 Wha... Oh my god, no. No. Ugh. 299 00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:29,929 - No. Dude... - What are you writing in here? 300 00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:32,348 Ugh. Are you crazy? 301 00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,601 - He's a child molester! - Which means I might actually have a shot. 302 00:15:38,563 --> 00:15:39,564 Oh, my god. He's calling. 303 00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:42,191 Hey, Bob. 304 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,026 We're in a pinch! 305 00:15:44,986 --> 00:15:48,114 There is another witness, the clerk at the Booze and Stuff. 306 00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:49,866 He says he saw you hit first. 307 00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:53,077 - What do we do? - We need to create a new narrative. 308 00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:56,289 Turn you into the damsel in distress. Are you busy right now? 309 00:15:56,414 --> 00:15:58,916 No, I'm totally free, I'm around. I'm not doing anything at all. 310 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,587 Together? Do you wanna pick... Come get me and we go together? 311 00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,507 Okay, great. I'll see you soon. 312 00:16:08,426 --> 00:16:11,387 You gotta go. Bob is giving me a makeover. 313 00:16:11,721 --> 00:16:12,597 He's coming over now. 314 00:16:13,222 --> 00:16:17,185 Patty's hearing would be like her very first pageant. 315 00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:21,856 Which meant appearances would be everything. 316 00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,025 If we're gonna make you out to be the victim, 317 00:16:24,233 --> 00:16:25,401 you need to look the part. 318 00:16:26,027 --> 00:16:27,778 In a sense, beautiful, 319 00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,656 like someone who would never throw a punch. 320 00:16:31,866 --> 00:16:32,700 White? 321 00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:34,619 Won't it make me look fat? 322 00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:36,787 Trust me, this is what I do. 323 00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:49,383 Like you need a pearl necklace. 324 00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:55,598 Now, you look like a winner. 325 00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:57,600 But looks weren't enough. 326 00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,894 She needed to feel like one, too. 327 00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:04,815 You stole Patty's journal? 328 00:17:05,566 --> 00:17:07,151 - That's crazy. - You don't understand, 329 00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:08,444 she's obsessed with him. 330 00:17:09,195 --> 00:17:11,614 God, she has a crush. It's normal. 331 00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:14,992 You're obsessed with Patty. You have been for years. 332 00:17:15,952 --> 00:17:18,079 I am not. 333 00:17:18,746 --> 00:17:20,081 We're best friends, 334 00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:22,083 like in Heavenly Creatures. 335 00:17:22,375 --> 00:17:24,544 A friend would just be happy she's happy. 336 00:17:25,253 --> 00:17:26,212 You're jealous. 337 00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:32,009 Lay off the chips, Ange. 338 00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:35,346 That's a lot of swallowing, even for you. 339 00:17:37,223 --> 00:17:38,975 What are those? 340 00:17:39,684 --> 00:17:42,395 Oh, chocolate bars. My wife's selling them for charity. 341 00:17:42,687 --> 00:17:43,563 Let me help. 342 00:17:44,188 --> 00:17:45,356 You've been so good to me, 343 00:17:45,439 --> 00:17:47,692 I would love to do something nice for you and your family. 344 00:17:47,775 --> 00:17:48,901 Screw his family, 345 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:51,320 we were perfect together. Even our clothes matched. 346 00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,447 I won't eat them, I swear. 347 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,908 No, save that for your testimony. 348 00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:58,995 - We start work on that tomorrow. - I'm free tonight. 349 00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:00,121 Ah, I can't. 350 00:18:00,204 --> 00:18:02,665 Wife's throwing a charity gala. 351 00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:06,419 Start reading about Catherine the Great, Cleopatra, 352 00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:09,213 anyone who uses their beauty for power. 353 00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:12,425 This testimony, it's not just about facts, 354 00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:13,884 it's a seduction. 355 00:18:16,262 --> 00:18:18,222 I got Bob's message loud and clear. 356 00:18:18,431 --> 00:18:20,683 Cleopatra had seduced some much older man, 357 00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:23,102 but I preferred a more contemporary role model. 358 00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:25,479 Drew Barrymore as Amy Fisher, 359 00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:27,732 the greatest seductress in American history. 360 00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:30,526 I asked my lawyer if I could get you conjugal visits and he said, 361 00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:31,944 "Get married, it's the only way." 362 00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:34,071 And I said, "No way, you're a miracle worker." 363 00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:38,951 If Bob wanted me to seduce him, 364 00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,494 I needed practice. 365 00:18:41,329 --> 00:18:42,955 And if the clerk was a problem, 366 00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:44,999 I could kill two birds with one stone. 367 00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:51,088 Amy didn't give it up to Joey Buttafuco right away. 368 00:18:51,589 --> 00:18:52,632 Wait, not yet. 369 00:18:53,257 --> 00:18:54,133 When? 370 00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:56,636 I don't know, I have to check my schedule. 371 00:18:56,927 --> 00:18:58,346 I might be going to jail. 372 00:18:59,013 --> 00:19:01,015 You don't want me to go to jail, do you? 373 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,481 Welcome to the gala for anal cancer. 374 00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:10,608 Welcome to the gala for anal cancer. 375 00:19:10,691 --> 00:19:12,693 Or you could just say, "Thank you for coming." 376 00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:16,197 You could just stand there and look pretty in that dress that I picked out for you. 377 00:19:17,281 --> 00:19:18,741 Sorry I'm late. I had a date. 378 00:19:19,617 --> 00:19:21,118 - What are these? - Ribbons. 379 00:19:21,202 --> 00:19:23,704 You know, like how breast cancer has those cute little pink ones. 380 00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:25,456 - Oh. - So for ass cancer... 381 00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:28,250 Anal. Have some respect for your grandmother. 382 00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:29,669 You went with brown. 383 00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:32,004 Seems like a bad choice. 384 00:19:32,755 --> 00:19:34,548 - All the other colors were taken. - Excuse me. 385 00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:37,510 - Patty, what are you doing here? - Hi, Bob. 386 00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:40,513 I just wanted to tell you I took care of the clerk 387 00:19:40,596 --> 00:19:41,972 - from Booze and Stuff. - What do you mean... 388 00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:43,224 What did you do? 389 00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:47,395 Don't worry, it wasn't anything illegal. I didn't ask him to lie for me or anything 390 00:19:47,478 --> 00:19:49,146 and I just left him wanting more. 391 00:19:49,438 --> 00:19:50,815 - Hi. - Hi. 392 00:19:51,774 --> 00:19:54,026 - Who the hell is this? - This is my new client. 393 00:19:54,110 --> 00:19:55,486 Patty, meet my wife. 394 00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:56,862 - Hello. - Hi. 395 00:19:57,530 --> 00:19:59,115 Can I talk to you for a minute, alone? 396 00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:02,702 Need I remind you that you were just accused of being a child molester? 397 00:20:02,785 --> 00:20:04,995 And look at her. She looks like an underage hooker. 398 00:20:05,246 --> 00:20:08,416 Now, listen to me. You ask her to leave, or I will. 399 00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:09,333 Hurry up. 400 00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:14,130 Patty, maybe it's better that we talk tomorrow. Holy hell. 401 00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:16,882 It's Regina and Dixie Sinclair. 402 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,093 They're the ones who accused me. 403 00:20:21,679 --> 00:20:24,306 Hi, I don't care what you have to say about Bob Armstrong, 404 00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:25,975 he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. 405 00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:27,601 - We don't... - Nice outfit. 406 00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:28,853 How old are you? 407 00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:31,063 Okay, okay, sweetie. Now it's time to go. 408 00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:33,399 - Security! I'm sorry, Bob. - Coralee, will you stop? 409 00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:34,900 - Okay. - Hey! 410 00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:36,777 Are you crazy? 411 00:20:37,194 --> 00:20:38,863 Bob's wife was a shrew, 412 00:20:39,029 --> 00:20:41,407 but I was already driving a wedge between them. 413 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,576 The Long Island Lolita would have been proud. 414 00:20:45,369 --> 00:20:49,498 There was something going on between him and jail bait Jane. 415 00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:52,752 This could be our chance to take him out for good. 416 00:20:53,878 --> 00:20:56,130 You mean, kill him? 417 00:20:57,923 --> 00:21:00,217 - Hey, diddle diddle. - Regina. 418 00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:03,929 Whatever it is you're doing, please stop. 419 00:21:04,346 --> 00:21:06,515 You know, I never touched her. 420 00:21:06,891 --> 00:21:09,059 Plenty of people think you did. 421 00:21:09,393 --> 00:21:11,979 Plenty of people think red and pink don't clash. 422 00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:14,565 Excuse me, I have a speech to give. 423 00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:21,697 A lot of people ask me, why anal cancer? 424 00:21:21,989 --> 00:21:26,285 My mother was afflicted by this terrible disease, 425 00:21:27,077 --> 00:21:29,997 but so many are affected and don't seek treatment. 426 00:21:30,247 --> 00:21:32,583 They're embarrassed by the symptoms. 427 00:21:33,584 --> 00:21:34,418 Diarrhea. 428 00:21:35,878 --> 00:21:38,088 Disgusting! 429 00:21:38,464 --> 00:21:40,132 Rectal itching. 430 00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:45,179 Fecal discharge. 431 00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:49,642 Seriously. What is she, like five? 432 00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:52,728 We have to bring anal cancer out of the closet. 433 00:21:53,521 --> 00:21:55,898 It is a silent, but deadly killer. 434 00:21:55,981 --> 00:21:58,859 - Does he even know what he's saying? - Sorry we're late. 435 00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:00,236 Barnard. 436 00:22:00,569 --> 00:22:02,988 We just got back from the county fair. 437 00:22:03,697 --> 00:22:06,450 Magnolia qualified for Miss Magic Jesus. 438 00:22:06,534 --> 00:22:07,701 Oh! 439 00:22:08,452 --> 00:22:10,079 That's great, but, er... 440 00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:11,705 Thank you for coming, 441 00:22:11,789 --> 00:22:13,874 we've got a great turnout. Thanks you to Etta Mae. 442 00:22:13,958 --> 00:22:15,960 - Excuse me? - Oh, well, a deal's a deal. 443 00:22:16,210 --> 00:22:18,254 And I talked to the junior leaguers about you, too. 444 00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:21,507 - Ahem. As I was saying... - Did you get a spray tan? 445 00:22:21,841 --> 00:22:23,759 Oh, I've been training for a marathon, 446 00:22:23,843 --> 00:22:26,011 - so maybe I got some color. - Honey? 447 00:22:27,471 --> 00:22:29,473 Well, you are glowing. 448 00:22:29,557 --> 00:22:31,267 Are we done? 449 00:22:31,684 --> 00:22:34,812 Or is your tan more important 450 00:22:34,895 --> 00:22:38,524 than saving someone's anus from cancer? 451 00:22:43,654 --> 00:22:45,197 One! Kick! 452 00:22:46,156 --> 00:22:47,825 You ruined everything! 453 00:22:48,325 --> 00:22:49,451 All my hard work! 454 00:22:49,827 --> 00:22:52,329 I'm sorry, Regina and Dixie threw me off. 455 00:22:52,538 --> 00:22:56,000 And then Bob Backstreet Boy Barnard stole my spotlight. 456 00:22:56,083 --> 00:22:57,918 And now I can't join the Junior League. 457 00:22:58,377 --> 00:22:59,545 Back to square one. 458 00:23:00,129 --> 00:23:01,380 Except I wasn't. 459 00:23:04,174 --> 00:23:06,385 That's Patty. We're working on her testimony. 460 00:23:06,468 --> 00:23:08,304 Can you get the door? I have got to change. 461 00:23:10,514 --> 00:23:11,515 That's him. 462 00:23:11,849 --> 00:23:14,059 Unfortunately, I don't have anything on the girl. 463 00:23:14,852 --> 00:23:15,686 That's fine. 464 00:23:16,353 --> 00:23:17,771 I'll just start by following him. 465 00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:19,148 I'm sorry. 466 00:23:20,024 --> 00:23:22,860 You just... You seem awfully young to be a PI. 467 00:23:23,235 --> 00:23:24,153 And hot. 468 00:23:26,071 --> 00:23:27,156 I promise, ladies. 469 00:23:27,573 --> 00:23:28,949 I'm very experienced. 470 00:23:33,037 --> 00:23:34,830 Everybody thinks we're sisters. 471 00:23:36,373 --> 00:23:39,752 I mean, I could take it from my peers and my mom. 472 00:23:40,336 --> 00:23:42,254 Even my Nutra-Right leader. 473 00:23:43,881 --> 00:23:44,840 But, this guy? 474 00:23:44,924 --> 00:23:47,259 I mean, this guy who smelled of booze and onions... 475 00:23:47,343 --> 00:23:50,387 Stop! When you're on the stand, you are playing a role. 476 00:23:50,471 --> 00:23:52,973 And you are done playing fatty Patty. 477 00:23:53,057 --> 00:23:55,017 Remember, seduce me. 478 00:23:55,643 --> 00:23:57,770 - Play the damsel. - I'm trying. 479 00:23:58,854 --> 00:23:59,855 Come here. 480 00:23:59,939 --> 00:24:01,607 I wanted to let go of fatty Patty, 481 00:24:01,732 --> 00:24:05,402 but after all those years of torture, she was in me, like a demon. 482 00:24:05,819 --> 00:24:06,654 Now. 483 00:24:08,072 --> 00:24:10,032 Tell me what you feel about what you see. 484 00:24:10,824 --> 00:24:11,867 I don't know. 485 00:24:14,161 --> 00:24:15,537 Close your eyes. 486 00:24:19,208 --> 00:24:20,459 Tell me the truth. 487 00:24:24,254 --> 00:24:25,881 I feel like I don't deserve you. 488 00:24:26,715 --> 00:24:28,926 Your support. 489 00:24:29,343 --> 00:24:31,261 You think you deserve to be punched? 490 00:24:32,096 --> 00:24:33,055 You didn't. 491 00:24:33,847 --> 00:24:37,226 You were the victim of bullying, of society. 492 00:24:37,309 --> 00:24:40,187 He was right. I was fat, I was out of control. 493 00:24:40,270 --> 00:24:43,315 - You were sick, you were scared. - I still want to eat all the time. 494 00:24:43,399 --> 00:24:45,192 - And why don't you? - Because... 495 00:24:47,111 --> 00:24:49,571 I'm afraid if I get fat again, you won't think I'm beautiful. 496 00:24:53,200 --> 00:24:56,578 You are beautiful. Inside and out. 497 00:24:58,122 --> 00:25:00,416 You came through hell and lived to tell about it. 498 00:25:00,499 --> 00:25:04,169 And when you are on that stand, you are gonna find that voice, 499 00:25:04,253 --> 00:25:07,256 so you never have to eat over it again. 500 00:25:09,466 --> 00:25:11,593 - What if I can't? - You can. 501 00:25:12,553 --> 00:25:13,762 I'll help ya. 502 00:25:17,099 --> 00:25:18,600 Because I believe in you. 503 00:25:22,312 --> 00:25:23,147 And... 504 00:25:24,940 --> 00:25:26,150 Because quite honestly, 505 00:25:27,317 --> 00:25:28,527 you're the first person, 506 00:25:28,736 --> 00:25:31,071 in a very long time, that has believed in me. 507 00:26:03,604 --> 00:26:06,815 I'd filed a motion to dismiss and everything was in order. 508 00:26:06,899 --> 00:26:08,776 Patty looked great. 509 00:26:09,234 --> 00:26:11,779 And homeless guy didn't even bother to show up. 510 00:26:12,362 --> 00:26:15,532 But it was up to me to prove self-defense, 511 00:26:15,991 --> 00:26:19,286 which meant Patty had to be more convincing than the clerk. 512 00:26:22,748 --> 00:26:23,749 What was that? 513 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:26,460 He's like, kind of in love with me. 514 00:26:26,543 --> 00:26:28,545 - Because I... - Don't say another word. 515 00:26:29,546 --> 00:26:32,591 It was a risk to call their witness myself, 516 00:26:33,008 --> 00:26:36,136 but if Patty was right, I could ruin their case 517 00:26:36,678 --> 00:26:40,140 and stick it to Bob Baby Banana Barnard. 518 00:26:40,474 --> 00:26:42,476 So, I took a leap of faith. 519 00:26:45,604 --> 00:26:48,065 The defense calls Donald Choi. 520 00:26:49,733 --> 00:26:53,570 Tell us the events of August 29th, as you recall them. 521 00:27:02,329 --> 00:27:05,207 Let me remind you, young man, that you're under oath. 522 00:27:09,211 --> 00:27:11,046 I don't remember. 523 00:27:12,631 --> 00:27:13,465 I'm sorry. 524 00:27:15,717 --> 00:27:18,554 Whatever Patty had done, it worked. 525 00:27:19,054 --> 00:27:20,848 Now, it all came down to her testimony. 526 00:27:20,931 --> 00:27:23,392 He threatened me verbally 527 00:27:23,976 --> 00:27:27,479 and then he got physically aggressive. 528 00:27:28,063 --> 00:27:30,816 He was making comments about my body, so I thought... 529 00:27:31,608 --> 00:27:33,318 he was gonna try and force himself on me. 530 00:27:33,402 --> 00:27:34,653 And what did you do? 531 00:27:35,487 --> 00:27:36,947 I defended myself. 532 00:27:38,657 --> 00:27:40,742 Nothing further, your honor. 533 00:27:41,034 --> 00:27:43,245 Patty had played the damsel perfectly. 534 00:27:43,579 --> 00:27:48,500 She just had to survive a cross examination by Captain Dildacorn. 535 00:27:48,917 --> 00:27:50,085 Ms. Bladell. 536 00:27:52,045 --> 00:27:54,882 You said the victim commented on your body. 537 00:27:55,090 --> 00:27:56,216 What did he say exactly? 538 00:27:57,176 --> 00:27:58,343 He called me a fatty. 539 00:27:59,094 --> 00:28:00,888 "And nobody calls me fatty!" 540 00:28:01,930 --> 00:28:04,850 That was the written statement you gave the arresting officer. 541 00:28:05,392 --> 00:28:08,103 - I don't remember writing that. - Your remember punching him? 542 00:28:09,229 --> 00:28:11,148 Hard enough to break his nose? 543 00:28:11,732 --> 00:28:12,816 Yes, but... 544 00:28:12,941 --> 00:28:16,403 Would you say you're a violent person, Ms. Bladell? 545 00:28:16,987 --> 00:28:19,448 No. No, definitely not. 546 00:28:19,656 --> 00:28:21,783 So then why would you hit him? 547 00:28:22,534 --> 00:28:25,037 Was it because he was trying to take your food? 548 00:28:28,457 --> 00:28:31,210 Sure, fatty Patty threw a punch to protect her chocolate. 549 00:28:35,005 --> 00:28:38,175 Are you saying... I deserved what happened? 550 00:28:39,509 --> 00:28:40,677 Just because I was fat? 551 00:28:41,553 --> 00:28:44,431 - No. No, no, no, no, no. - Because I didn't. 552 00:28:45,390 --> 00:28:46,725 And if you're saying that, 553 00:28:47,142 --> 00:28:50,812 then you're telling every single overweight teenager in America to just... 554 00:28:51,563 --> 00:28:53,315 shut up and take it. 555 00:28:54,816 --> 00:28:57,778 Even if it means getting punched in the face. 556 00:28:59,988 --> 00:29:03,367 And that's not exactly a message I wanna be sending. 557 00:29:03,951 --> 00:29:04,910 Do you, your honor? 558 00:29:14,378 --> 00:29:15,921 Case dismissed! 559 00:29:16,296 --> 00:29:18,507 We should celebrate, make out. 560 00:29:18,590 --> 00:29:20,550 With guys, not each other. 561 00:29:21,134 --> 00:29:23,470 It's balls that homeless guy wasn't there to see me win. 562 00:29:23,553 --> 00:29:26,265 - Can we file a counter suit? - Why? He's homeless. 563 00:29:26,348 --> 00:29:30,602 Yeah, I want revenge against anyone who has ever been mean to me. 564 00:29:30,686 --> 00:29:32,980 I had a taste of victory, but it's not enough. 565 00:29:33,063 --> 00:29:35,941 - I want more. - The best revenge is a life well lived. 566 00:29:36,858 --> 00:29:40,946 You could be a role model for girls that struggle with their weight. 567 00:29:41,029 --> 00:29:42,406 You could show them what's possible. 568 00:29:42,823 --> 00:29:45,784 You could help change the system from the inside. 569 00:29:47,327 --> 00:29:48,328 Pageants. 570 00:29:49,204 --> 00:29:50,497 I'd like to coach you. 571 00:29:51,164 --> 00:29:53,208 Excuse, like beauty pageants? 572 00:29:53,292 --> 00:29:56,503 Yes! Look at her, Angie, she's stunning. 573 00:29:56,878 --> 00:30:00,257 Yeah, I know, she looks like me when I was her age, 574 00:30:00,507 --> 00:30:02,509 - except smaller boobs. - And... 575 00:30:05,554 --> 00:30:06,680 You won your first. 576 00:30:06,763 --> 00:30:09,933 Being in front of a judge, that is the biggest pageant there is. 577 00:30:11,018 --> 00:30:12,019 Beauty pageant. 578 00:30:12,352 --> 00:30:14,771 We'll start small, Miss Magic Jesus. 579 00:30:15,689 --> 00:30:17,482 But with me on your team, 580 00:30:17,941 --> 00:30:23,739 I think you have a shot at being the next Miss USA. 581 00:30:24,906 --> 00:30:26,074 What do you say? 582 00:30:31,913 --> 00:30:33,081 Absolutely not. 583 00:30:33,623 --> 00:30:37,794 I don't want my daughter sexualized, objectified. 584 00:30:38,337 --> 00:30:40,297 Especially not by older men. 585 00:30:40,964 --> 00:30:43,258 You stay away, okay? From both of us. 586 00:30:43,717 --> 00:30:45,802 No, mom! Hey! 587 00:30:50,390 --> 00:30:53,268 I don't wanna hear another word about Bob Armstrong, okay? 588 00:30:53,352 --> 00:30:55,062 You won your case, you got skinny. 589 00:30:55,145 --> 00:30:56,605 - That's enough. - No, it's not. 590 00:30:57,272 --> 00:31:00,359 I could be famous, like Drew Barrymore famous. 591 00:31:00,609 --> 00:31:03,570 So all those jack holes who made fun of me will be so jealous, 592 00:31:03,653 --> 00:31:04,821 they can't even breathe. 593 00:31:04,905 --> 00:31:09,493 Come on, I'm a 100 days sober. Today is supposed to be about me! 594 00:31:11,244 --> 00:31:13,622 Crap, these donuts are supposed to be for the meeting. 595 00:31:13,997 --> 00:31:17,417 I have a box of chocolates in the trunk, if you wanna pound those back, too? 596 00:31:19,169 --> 00:31:20,420 Those my shorty shorts? 597 00:31:20,879 --> 00:31:22,297 Yeah, that okay? 598 00:31:23,173 --> 00:31:25,842 Sure, they look better on you. 599 00:31:29,596 --> 00:31:32,557 Her mother was jealous, it was written all over her face. 600 00:31:33,141 --> 00:31:35,268 I was gonna help her do something important. 601 00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:37,854 Well, it's not like she'll be curing ass cancer. 602 00:31:38,271 --> 00:31:40,941 I can't imagine how different my life would be, 603 00:31:41,274 --> 00:31:44,277 if someone had encouraged me to be myself, 604 00:31:44,611 --> 00:31:48,448 instead of spending my entire adolescence being the other Bob 605 00:31:48,532 --> 00:31:54,287 being obfuscated by the dazzling light that is Bob Bagina Barnard. 606 00:31:54,621 --> 00:31:56,206 Did you just say "bagina"? 607 00:31:56,289 --> 00:31:58,792 Plus, he's so perfect all the time! 608 00:31:59,167 --> 00:32:03,463 Him and Etta Mae and Magnolia. It's just... 609 00:32:03,547 --> 00:32:06,091 Ugh, if Patty had just let me coach her. 610 00:32:06,258 --> 00:32:07,342 Oh my god. 611 00:32:08,427 --> 00:32:10,095 You never cared about helping that girl, 612 00:32:10,178 --> 00:32:11,847 you just wanted to stick it to Bob Barnard. 613 00:32:11,930 --> 00:32:14,141 - That is so not true. - That is true. 614 00:32:14,224 --> 00:32:17,310 You thought that you could use Patty to beat Magnolia. 615 00:32:17,394 --> 00:32:18,478 Screw Magnolia. 616 00:32:18,562 --> 00:32:21,231 - If the stick was any further up her... - Hi. 617 00:32:21,314 --> 00:32:24,276 Mr. Armstrong. Mrs. Armstrong. 618 00:32:24,359 --> 00:32:27,404 - Magnolia. - Wow, look, what are the odds? 619 00:32:27,487 --> 00:32:28,530 I work here. 620 00:32:30,073 --> 00:32:31,491 Those are pretty good odds. 621 00:32:31,575 --> 00:32:32,492 All right, well, 622 00:32:32,576 --> 00:32:35,620 I'm gonna get going now. Will you have your mother call me? 623 00:32:35,704 --> 00:32:37,539 I wanna talk about Junior League. 624 00:32:37,622 --> 00:32:40,584 Actually, I'll just call her myself. You look beautiful. 625 00:32:40,917 --> 00:32:42,419 And you, I love you. 626 00:32:45,464 --> 00:32:49,301 I'm sorry about what I said, I was a little upset. 627 00:32:49,676 --> 00:32:50,886 But, I agree with you. 628 00:32:51,178 --> 00:32:53,180 Especially the stuff you said about my dad. 629 00:32:54,764 --> 00:32:58,101 But do you... really think I'm stuck up? 630 00:33:00,479 --> 00:33:04,608 I think it must be tough, living up to your father's expectations. 631 00:33:04,691 --> 00:33:07,235 That is something I can relate to very much. 632 00:33:08,528 --> 00:33:10,780 You know what would really piss off my dad? 633 00:33:11,948 --> 00:33:14,242 If I hired you as my coach. 634 00:33:14,326 --> 00:33:15,285 Magnolia. 635 00:33:15,494 --> 00:33:16,703 Less chit chat, hon. 636 00:33:16,995 --> 00:33:19,414 My parents are out tonight, you should come by. 637 00:33:20,081 --> 00:33:21,166 We can talk strategy. 638 00:33:29,007 --> 00:33:32,302 And I know I'll never wake up in the middle of a field again. 639 00:33:33,136 --> 00:33:35,430 And I couldn't have done it without your support. 640 00:33:37,015 --> 00:33:38,016 Thank you, thank you. 641 00:33:39,518 --> 00:33:41,978 Anybody else celebrating 100 days? 642 00:33:43,522 --> 00:33:46,024 Who's that guy? He looks familiar. 643 00:33:46,358 --> 00:33:48,068 I don't know, I've never seen him before. 644 00:33:48,151 --> 00:33:50,654 Hi, I'm John and I'm an alcoholic. 645 00:33:50,987 --> 00:33:51,988 Hi, John. 646 00:33:52,322 --> 00:33:55,867 When I first came in here, I never thought I'd last a day. 647 00:33:56,868 --> 00:33:58,203 I lost my job, my home. 648 00:33:59,204 --> 00:34:03,750 But, I didn't admit I had a problem until I punched a fat girl in the face. 649 00:34:05,961 --> 00:34:07,837 And I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself. 650 00:34:07,921 --> 00:34:10,215 I couldn't believe that was my homeless guy. 651 00:34:10,298 --> 00:34:12,175 And people were giving him love? 652 00:34:12,259 --> 00:34:15,345 I wanted to rip out his fingernails one by one, 653 00:34:15,637 --> 00:34:18,181 but I'd have to come up with something less crazy. 654 00:34:22,978 --> 00:34:25,313 Bob. Hi. Come on in. 655 00:34:25,605 --> 00:34:27,023 - Thanks. - Do you want a drink? 656 00:34:27,607 --> 00:34:29,192 It's a 21 year old single malt. 657 00:34:29,276 --> 00:34:30,777 Oh, no. 658 00:34:31,444 --> 00:34:32,529 Thank you. I, uh... 659 00:34:33,780 --> 00:34:35,365 That is older than you are. 660 00:34:35,657 --> 00:34:36,950 I'm an old soul. 661 00:34:39,786 --> 00:34:43,206 Um, come upstairs, I wanna show you my wardrobe for Miss Magic Jesus. 662 00:34:43,290 --> 00:34:46,084 Looking back, it was probably a bad idea 663 00:34:46,167 --> 00:34:49,796 for a falsely accused molester to follow an underage drunk girl upstairs. 664 00:34:49,879 --> 00:34:51,881 But I had a one track mind 665 00:34:52,173 --> 00:34:53,842 and it wasn't the same as hers. 666 00:34:54,134 --> 00:34:56,011 What do you think of this, 667 00:34:56,094 --> 00:34:57,345 for Miss Magic Jesus? 668 00:34:57,804 --> 00:35:00,557 Nice. That is perfect for your body type. 669 00:35:00,807 --> 00:35:03,560 I don't know... Can I show you? 670 00:35:04,185 --> 00:35:06,730 - Magnolia! - Oh, come on. 671 00:35:06,813 --> 00:35:09,316 - You can look. - You have got to stop! 672 00:35:12,777 --> 00:35:13,987 That is not what this is. 673 00:35:15,322 --> 00:35:17,741 - Is that your parents? - Hey, Magnolia! 674 00:35:18,700 --> 00:35:21,578 - Brick? I thought you broke up? - We did. 675 00:35:21,661 --> 00:35:23,163 But he's finally ready to apologize 676 00:35:23,246 --> 00:35:25,540 for getting drunk and bailing on Miss Salty Grits. 677 00:35:25,624 --> 00:35:26,708 - Wait. - You should go. 678 00:35:26,791 --> 00:35:28,376 - Where are you? - No. 679 00:35:30,086 --> 00:35:31,921 Are you in your room? 680 00:35:33,465 --> 00:35:35,967 I'm coming upstairs. Magnolia? 681 00:35:48,521 --> 00:35:49,439 Look at him. 682 00:35:49,814 --> 00:35:52,567 He thinks he can hurt me and then have me arrested 683 00:35:52,651 --> 00:35:54,736 and then just move on with his life? 684 00:35:55,779 --> 00:35:56,613 No. 685 00:35:56,988 --> 00:35:58,031 I'm gonna screw that guy. 686 00:35:59,032 --> 00:36:00,742 You mean like, screw him over? 687 00:36:01,910 --> 00:36:03,870 No. No, I mean, like bang him. 688 00:36:04,829 --> 00:36:07,123 You wanna lose your virginity to a homeless man? 689 00:36:07,666 --> 00:36:09,918 Look at him, he's kind of hot. 690 00:36:10,377 --> 00:36:13,046 In a "I'd do you in your cardboard box" type of way. 691 00:36:13,129 --> 00:36:15,048 I don't think that's a thing. 692 00:36:15,256 --> 00:36:18,718 I'm gonna sleep with him and he's going to be so in love with me. 693 00:36:18,802 --> 00:36:21,554 And I'm going to reject him and he's gonna be crushed. 694 00:36:21,638 --> 00:36:22,681 It'll be epic. 695 00:36:23,139 --> 00:36:26,976 But don't you want your first time to be with someone special? 696 00:36:27,727 --> 00:36:29,562 With someone who loves you? 697 00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:34,192 No, I'd rather have revenge. 698 00:36:37,237 --> 00:36:38,113 Hey. 699 00:36:39,614 --> 00:36:41,366 I really dug your share. 700 00:36:42,075 --> 00:36:43,702 Would you wanna grab coffee? 701 00:36:44,661 --> 00:36:45,912 Yeah. 702 00:36:49,124 --> 00:36:51,710 Get ready to have your mind blown, homeless guy? 703 00:36:51,876 --> 00:36:53,670 I have a name, it's John. 704 00:36:54,337 --> 00:36:55,255 Don't care. 705 00:36:55,588 --> 00:36:57,590 - Cigarette? - No. 706 00:36:58,174 --> 00:36:59,592 It keeps the pounds off. 707 00:37:00,844 --> 00:37:03,346 And nobody likes a fatty. 708 00:37:03,972 --> 00:37:04,889 Am I right? 709 00:37:06,599 --> 00:37:09,477 He was a pig! And a liar. 710 00:37:09,561 --> 00:37:10,854 He wasn't even sober. 711 00:37:11,646 --> 00:37:13,565 I wasn't sure I could go through with it. 712 00:37:14,107 --> 00:37:16,317 But I had to get my revenge. 713 00:37:24,743 --> 00:37:25,577 Hey. 714 00:37:28,538 --> 00:37:29,372 Wake up. 715 00:37:30,832 --> 00:37:32,000 Homeless guy, wake up! 716 00:37:33,209 --> 00:37:35,170 What about my plan to get back at him? 717 00:37:35,628 --> 00:37:36,671 I got robbed. 718 00:37:37,088 --> 00:37:39,632 My demon was out and she was hungry. 719 00:37:41,426 --> 00:37:42,469 Insatiable. 720 00:37:42,969 --> 00:37:44,345 I still felt empty. 721 00:37:44,888 --> 00:37:47,098 Like the same pissed off fat girl. 722 00:37:47,348 --> 00:37:50,477 And I would have done anything to make that feeling go away. 723 00:38:00,361 --> 00:38:03,114 And then I saw it, Firestarter. 724 00:38:03,448 --> 00:38:05,283 It was divine intervention, 725 00:38:05,742 --> 00:38:08,119 like a sign from God Herself. 726 00:38:08,661 --> 00:38:10,371 What would Drew Barrymore do? 727 00:38:50,703 --> 00:38:52,163 I'd hit rock bottom. 728 00:38:53,122 --> 00:38:54,582 I was out of options. 729 00:39:02,173 --> 00:39:05,176 What are you doing with your life? 730 00:39:20,567 --> 00:39:23,778 And then, I got my answer. 731 00:39:24,571 --> 00:39:26,948 Like a message from God Himself. 732 00:39:32,161 --> 00:39:35,248 Why'd I stop? Bob was right. 733 00:39:35,331 --> 00:39:37,584 The best revenge was a life well lived. 734 00:39:37,876 --> 00:39:40,128 - I could be the master of my own fate. - Hello? 735 00:39:40,545 --> 00:39:42,589 You're the only one who understands me. 736 00:39:43,256 --> 00:39:44,966 I don't care what my mom says. 737 00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:48,052 The whole beauty pageant thing, I'm in. 738 00:39:50,430 --> 00:39:52,223 I never much believed in fate, 739 00:39:53,141 --> 00:39:56,185 until I met Patty Bladell. 740 00:39:56,269 --> 00:39:59,939 She was my destiny.