When I was fat, "squat" was more of an adjective than a verb.
But Bob made everything more meaningful.
On your back.
Time to stretch.
But in a couple of months, I'd be 18, and then Bob's resting-anus-face wife
would be the only thing left standing in my way.
Switch.
And breathe.
Lucky for me, I have the perfect grenade to blow up Bob's marriage.
A necklace from his ex-lover, proof that he had an affair.
I just have to find the perfect time to drop the bomb.
Bob Armstrong. What in the hell?
Oh, hi, Coralee.
Patty.
See? Anus face.
What are you doing?
Stretching Patty out.
I'm super tight.
You look really loose to me.
We are getting her in shape for the Miss Okefenokee Swamp Pageant.
It's the last pageant before Miss Magic Jesus,
and Patty needs a win to qualify.
Well, you are out of luck.
There's a mosquito outbreak in northern Florida.
Zika, West Nile, it's all over the news.
If the pageant were canceled, I'd have gotten an email.
- Oh, shit, there's an email. - Wait.
What? We can't wait a whole other year. I really want this.
There has to be another way to get me qualified.
Let me think.
Straddle.
Lean to me.
You know what? Maybe you could think somewhere else,
preferably not in public and not with her face in your general groin area?
Why did you buy us a gym membership if you didn't want me to use it?
Oh, Bob.
Hey, buddy.
- How are you? - Good to see you.
That's why you joined.
You are stalking Etta Mae Barnard.
You make it sound like I want to kill her. I just want to be her.
Oh, yeah, that's a lot less creepy.
- Hey, guys! Bob, Etta Mae. Hi. - Hey!
- Will you come with me? - Yes.
Fifty more sit-ups, then you're done. We'll talk soon.
Okay. Come on.
Junior League. Junior League. Junior League.
I guess "Bob and Patty forever" would have to wait.
Bob?
It's his.
See?
And this one's yours.
It's like we never left high school.
Come on, they have to distinguish between us somehow.
You prefer Older Bob?
Four days, I am older by four days.
Well, still.
So when is the next Junior League event? Maybe I could...
Oh, screw Junior League, I quit.
- What? - They took away my seat on the board.
Said I was out of town too much to appropriately serve.
That's terrible.
- It's "momist" is what it is. - That's what it is.
- "Momist"? - Mmm.
Discriminatory against working moms. Some of us can't stay at home.
I'm saving babies and they're making me feel less than.
Less than.
Well, screw those momist bitches.
We should start our own service organization for working moms.
Um, you don't have a job.
Uh, well, I do now.
Standing up for working moms everywhere.
What do you think?
I don't know.
Starting a new organization is a ton of work,
and I'm so busy with my job as it is.
I have a lot of free time.
I can do all the heavy lifting.
Okay, I mean, we women have to support each other.
Mmm.
Well, I do like the idea of creating a community of like-minded people.
Right?
- That's my girl. - Yeah. All right, let's do it.
Ooh!
But, we will need a kickoff event.
How about a pageant?
Maybe Patty could qualify for Miss Magic Jesus after all.
I'll call the golf course, see when they have availability to host.
Only two weeks left to qualify.
Maybe... Maybe this weekend?
That's not a lot of time to plan.
No, I can plan it.
I'll hire an event planner. We just need a theme.
Come on!
How about a mother-daughter pageant?
- No. - Why not?
I can spend quality time with my daughter, and it's on message.
Because Patty's mom is a disaster. She'd never win.
Our daughter is a marine in Iraq, so she won't be here,
so maybe we can pick something that like I could participate in too.
Moms come in many forms.
It could be symbolic.
Like a role model. I like it.
You can find someone who is like a daughter,
like Pat... Patty.
- Oh, God. - Careful now.
Oh!
- Oh, my God. - Oh, Bob!
Bob wants you to do a mother-daughter pageant with his wife?
She's not your mom.
It's symbolic.
Plus, if we win, I get to qualify for Miss Magic Jesus.
Wait, you're telling me Bob suddenly made up a pageant and if you win it,
you can just qualify?
That's ridiculous.
The rules are pretty lax for local pageants.
It gets tougher with the bigger pageants, like regionals or state,
but to qualify for Miss Magic Jesus, all I have to do is win any pageant.
Which means if I win mother-daughter, boom, qualified.
Simple.
Sure.
Except for the fact that you're trying to blow up Coralee and Bob's marriage.
That's what makes it so fun.
If you give Coralee the necklace from Stella Rose,
she'll hate you, leave Bob,
and ruin any chance you have of winning the pageant.
So, poof, there goes Miss Magic Jesus.
Crap.
Pageant first, then necklace.
Plus, if I do the pageant first,
I can get close to Coralee and find out what Bob likes in a woman.
Like Drew Barrymore did with Tom Skerritt in Poison Ivy.
Patty, I'm home.
When did your mom get back from her AA retreat?
Just now, apparently. I haven't heard from her in a week.
My retreat was amazing.
It's like... It's like taking a bath in Corgi puppies.
I feel so Zen, just like I'm floating.
Good for you.
I gotta go.
Well, where?
Since when do you care?
Well...
Patty? Come on, what the hell is that supposed to mean?
It means you've been gone for days and I needed you.
I was taking care of me so I could take care of you, be a better mom.
Oh, great parenting. You left me with no way to reach you.
You left me $20 for pizza. That lasted me exactly half a day.
You missed my first day of school, and you missed me in crisis.
Well, what happened?
Don't worry about it. Bob Armstrong took care of it.
I told you to stay away from him.
Good thing I didn't. Without Bob, I'd be up shit's creek.
Patty. Language.
'Cause us Bladell girls are so high-class. Nice shirt, I can see your nipples.
- Oh, shit, I left my bra in the park. - I've gotta go.
Bob is coaching me for a mother-daughter pageant.
We're raising money for working moms.
That's nice. At least we can do that together.
I'm doing it with Bob's wife, Coralee.
But, Patty, I'm your mom.
You could have fooled me.
There has got to be someone else who can do the pageant with me.
Who? Your niece with the hickey-goes-here tattoo?
Think about it. You and Patty are a lot alike.
I wish you would stop saying that.
You have more in common with Patty than you do with our own daughter.
Cat is a marine.
She hasn't had a facial in, well, ever.
Plus, Patty is hungry and fashionable and she comes from humble roots.
For the record, I know what you're up to.
Okay? You're not doing this for me, you're doing this for Patty.
No, trust me, Patty is your best option.
Unless you want to give Etta Mae the spotlight.
How long have you guys been married?
Twenty-one years.
How'd you meet? What was he wearing? He always been this funny and charming?
Was it love at first sight?
Coralee, work with me here.
The two of you have to get to know each other better,
that's why she's asking you questions.
She's only asking about you.
It is a mother-daughter pageant. There is no bond more sacred.
So, for the interview, we have to convince the judge
that you two are as close as if Patty had actually come out of your...
All right, that's imagery I don't need right now.
I definitely don't want to think about that.
See? The two of you. Finding common ground already.
The mother-daughter connection, it goes beyond biology.
It is a soul connection which can take many forms
and that is the angle that could get you a win.
But I don't want to win.
Wait, what?
I'm trying to stay in Etta Mae's good graces.
She is not in the Junior League anymore, so why do you care?
Because she is a force of nature.
And everything she touches turns to gold.
We are gonna start an organization that could rival the Junior League.
I want to be her partner, not her competition.
You are thinking about this all wrong.
You play your cards right, you and Etta Mae are peers.
But if you lose, she's just gonna think you're a loser.
And that's what you've been fighting your entire life.
You're right.
You are totally right.
Oh, my God!
You just coached me so I would help you and Patty win.
Fine.
Now we just need to rustle up some other mother-daughters for you two to beat.
Oh, there will be plenty at Back to School night.
I will get started on the flyers.
Is that the flyer for the pageant? Because I was thinking...
We've got bigger problems.
Of course I'm not sleeping with Regina Sinclair.
Brick, I grew you inside my body. I can tell when you're lying.
Well...
not anymore.
I am a failed mother.
How could you have sex with Regina? She accused me of molestation.
Seriously?
Our son's been raped, and you can only think about yourself?
It wasn't rape. I said, "Yes."
Multiple times.
- That is disgusting. - No, it's not. Older chicks are hot.
I have like seven friends who totally have a thing for you.
Really?
Which ones?
Can we drop this?
I'm back together with Magnolia, and if this gets out, that's ruined.
Well, you're staying home from Back to School night.
Okay? I don't want you anywhere near Regina Sinclair.
What do you want to do?
I'm not sure.
But Regina Sinclair is going down.
- Bob Armstrong is going down. - Thank you.
I tried. I even followed him to Alabama.
I just got a little...
distracted.
We need a new plan.
Are we still trying to take Bob down for fake molesting me?
Oh, no. This started long before Miss Salty Grits.
I'll tell you when you're older.
I'm confused.
I know, baby. It's 'cause you were malnourished in China.
Mother-daughter pageant. Contestants needed.
Show off your talents, spend quality time with your kid.
Mother-daughter pageant?
It is a kickoff event for Coralee's new service organization, WMBS.
It's pronounced "wombs." Working Mother's Benevolent Society.
- I'm a working mom. - Town shrew doesn't count.
I sell real estate. I'm on benches all over town.
Ooh, I do remember sitting on your face.
I'm doing the pageant. With Dixie.
And we're gonna win... now that we don't have you holding us back.
Bye.
Ooh, I want to punch her in her bench face.
Don't worry, I have a plan.
- I'm all out of flyers. - Aww!
Go talk to her and find some more common ground.
- Bob. Okay. Okay. - Hmm? Hmm?
Hi.
So are you here with your dad?
What dad?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I just figured because you and I are doing the pageant together,
that your own mom isn't in the picture.
I mean, she is, but just barely.
Well, my mom doesn't know who my dad is.
I was conceived in a blackout.
Boilermakers, yay.
Oh, no.
- No, it's okay. Don't feel bad for me. - Etta Mae?
We can't let Regina anywhere near WMBS. She is dangerous.
Exactly.
We have got to be careful.
It's not a good political move to shut her out.
At least this way we get to kick Regina and Dixie's asses.
- Oh, I am so glad you're home. - Aww.
I can't remember the last time you came to Back to School night.
Oh!
- Go. - What? Go?
No. No go.
She can't do whatever she wants 'cause you're never here.
I don't want to. Okay? All he ever wants to do is hook up.
Magnolia Barnard.
Besides, we never get any time together.
Hey, my favorite family.
How we doing on recruits for the pageant?
Amazing. We have nine mother-daughter teams already.
Everyone is so excited.
Etta Mae wants me to MC.
You? But... pageants are my thing.
Well.
Oh, well, why don't the two of you do it together?
I'm sure my Bob won't mind sharing the spotlight.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pass out the rest of these flyers.
I got your voicemail earlier. What'd you want to talk to me about?
I need your professional opinion as a DA. Cone of silence?
It's code.
- It's cone. - Code.
Doesn't matter. Can you keep a secret?
I might be personally involved in a case coming your way,
but I want complete control over how the arrest goes down.
- Any chance you can help me out with that? - We shouldn't be talking about this here.
- Yeah? - My house tomorrow?
We can also brainstorm ideas for our opening number.
Are you a working mom?
I am... excuse me.
I am spending the day tomorrow with Bob Barnard.
We are MCing the pageant together and we have to talk about the act.
I swear to God, Bob, if you embarrass me...
No, you should go grab some lunch.
Something healthy like a salad.
You have to bond with her if you want to win.
Are you serious about WMBS or not?
It's pronounced "wombs."
Hey, listen, it's okay. You don't have to...
Screw salads. And Bob.
Junk food brunch tomorrow? I've had a real hankering for Wiener Taco.
No way, my mom works there.
Well, that's even better. I'd love to meet her.
Oh, hey, traitor.
Patty! Yeah, I'm talking to you.
Or shall I call you "The Artist Formerly Known As My Daughter"?
We should leave.
Not without my wiener taco. Do you like 'em soft or hard?
Hello. Can I get, um, four hard wieners and a side order of wet tots, please?
Four hards, side of wet.
- Okay. - Anything else?
We got some sporks back there if you want to stab me in the back some more.
Sporks don't stab, they scoop.
Okay, you know, this doesn't have to be awkward.
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Coralee Armstrong, pleasure.
Well, shit in my mouth.
I knew you looked familiar.
Coralee Huggins.
I'm sorry, do I know you?
She's your mom upgrade?
She grew up in the trailer next to me.
I did not.
Don't trust her, Patty.
She bailed on her very own family.
- Hey, you're holding up the line. - It's just a hot dog in a taco shell.
Keep your pants on.
Look at you, raising money for working moms
when you never worked a day in your life.
Okay, Mom, that's enough.
I work every single day of my life on myself.
And that's the hardest work of all, thank you very much.
Self-help is for rich people.
- Thank you. - You know, I got news for you, Patty.
You think these pageants are gonna make you happy, but they're not.
- You don't know that. - Actually, I do.
I used to be like you. I used to think if I was pretty enough,
someone would come along and swoop me up and save me too.
Someone like Bob or Coralee Huggins.
And guess what?
I ended up pregnant, abandoned, and working in a Wiener Taco.
Don't get your hopes up, Patty.
Bladell women never win.
They get screwed.
Enjoy your wiener tacos.
Patty. She means well.
She's just looking out for you in her own misguided, alcoholic way.
Stop defending her.
Everything she does is about her. She always makes it about her,
and what she went through. What about me?
She fucked me up and now she's telling me that there's nothing I can do about it?
I hate her.
I want to show you something. Come with me.
For the first time, Barnard was actually helpful.
Thanks to him, I'd be able to handle Regina with style.
Hopefully, our opening number would be equally tasteful.
I think we descend on silks.
Too gay.
I'm telling you, we sing the title song from Dirty Dancing,
"The Time of My Life."
What does "The Time of My Life" have to do with mothers and daughters?
The moms are in one time of their life.
The daughters are in another time of their life.
Together, they're having the time of their lives.
Besides, it's Etta Mae and Magnolia's favorite movie.
They think it's genius.
Now, I'll sing the beginning, and then you sing the girl part.
The girl part? I want to do the lift.
- You want to be Jennifer Grey? - Yeah... No.
I will lift you over my head.
Everyone will be talking about it for months.
I work out twice a day, every day.
Obviously, I'm Patrick Swayze.
Nobody puts Bobby in a corner.
Well, there's only one way to decide this.
I couldn't let Barnard show me up.
Now was my time to shine.
You run to me.
No. You run to me.
No, you run to me.
You done?
Fine.
Jennifer Grey gets all the attention anyway.
All right. Now, come on, just run.
And... jump.
I'm not gonna drop you.
Why not? You're so good at it.
What is that supposed to mean?
Nothing.
Something.
Just... forget it.
Bob!
Tell me, I want to know.
Fine. We were friends in eighth grade, and then the minute we got to high school,
you dropped me.
You were too busy being the captain of the wrestling team,
and the homecoming king, and assistant co-chair of the yearbook committee.
I didn't even get invited to your post-graduation kegger.
I'm sorry.
You have no idea what it's like
to be on the outside looking in.
Hey, babe. Magnolia.
Hi, ladies.
What are the two of you doing?
Uh, working on our opening number.
Hey, I had an idea for your talent for the pageant.
Instead of a Broadway number, you can throw scalpels,
'cause you're a doctor. I found a knife wheel on eBay...
That sounds insane.
It's original. You'd definitely win.
Well, who cares?
She already qualified for Miss Magic Jesus.
Even a single loss could tarnish her reputation.
- Our reputation as a family. - Okay. Come on, Mags.
I bought you some new clothes for school.
The second Etta Mae comes into town, it's like I don't exist.
So trust me, I know what it feels like to be an outsider.
Let's work on that lift.
Isn't this cute?
I got these for you when I was in New York.
I hope you like 'em.
Was he serious?
Knife-throwing?
Oh, you know your father. He sometimes gets carried away.
Well, he's ruining pageants for me.
He's always on my ass.
"Wear this, eat that, smile pretty."
And it's worse when you're gone.
Have you told him how you feel?
Why bother?
You're the only one who listens to me.
You can do anything you want to do,
which also means not doing anything you don't want to do.
We'll talk to him. Together.
You really did grow up in a trailer park.
How come your trailer looks so much nicer than all the others?
My daddy was a gardener, and he specialized in artistic topiary.
I can do it too. Hearts, poodles, mermaids, you name it.
Oh, my God, you should teach me.
We could do it for our talent for the pageant.
Oh, I don't know. Don't you think that'll read a little low-class?
You're ashamed of where you came from.
That's why you lied to my mom.
I tried to leave my past behind me when I met Bob.
My daddy worked for Bob's family, and he needed a little extra help
getting the yard in shape for Bob's law school graduation party.
And that's when I first saw him.
Hey, can you cut the noise? I'm working on my...
It was love at first sight.
And I knew I was gonna marry that man from the second I saw him.
When he looked at me, I felt like he saw me.
Not like the outsides, but the person inside of me
that I didn't even know was there.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Bob saw something special in me.
So, if he sees something special in you, then he must be right.
That's why I wanted to tell you the truth about my past...
...so you can know what's possible.
You don't have to be screwed just because your momma was.
Okay?
Don't let anybody get in the way of your dreams.
In five hours, Coralee had been more of a mom
than my own mother had been in 17 years.
Maybe I didn't want to blow up her life after all.
I made special pageant smoothies.
- There you are. All right. - Thank you.
Hey.
Magnolia doesn't want to do pageants anymore.
Come on.
- What? Since when? - Since they stopped being fun.
Well, you're telling me this now? The pageant is tomorrow.
- She's miserable, Bob. - Maybe it's because you're never here.
You ever think about that? If you really cared about her happiness...
Dad, stop.
You gonna get that?
Dr. Barnard.
No, I, uh, can't.
I'm with my daughter.
It's okay.
Do what you gotta do.
Yeah, I'll be there by tonight.
Okay.
I am so sorry.
Don't be. You're setting a good example.
That a woman can have it all.
Except I can't.
When I'm at work, I miss home, and when I'm home, I miss work.
Wait, when you're home you miss work?
No, what I mean is, my work is important to me too,
and it's a balance.
Well, Mom, maybe you're right.
You really can't have it all.
No. Mag...
Get in.
Why the hell would you want to do a mother-daughter pageant with me?
Because, Patty's doing it with someone else
and I want her to know what it feels like to be replaced.
You know you're the parent, right?
I'm the closest thing you ever had to a mom.
Thanks, Ange. Real subtle bringing up my dead mom.
I'm just saying. I've taught you valuable life lessons.
Name one.
How to throw a punch.
And that in New York, Long Island Iced Tea, it's just iced tea.
And that not everyone looks good in a romper.
You should write a parenting book. Really.
I'm just saying. You'd get to sing in public.
Which I know you love.
And it'd be fun.
Get dressed up for the day.
Put on some makeup.
You could be so pretty if you tried.
Eww. You could be really nice if you weren't such a dick.
I bet Patty'd think you look hot.
- Momma, I'm hot. Why are we working out? - Oof!
I do my best thinking when I'm sweating.
We need a talent for the pageant. What are we both good at?
Shooting guns, talking shit.
Sabotage.
Oh, honey.
Oh, I think you just figured out how we're gonna win!
Excuse me, baby. I'll be back in a minute.
I gotta use the ladies room.
Ooh!
- You smell like a man. - Beat it, Regina.
Right here in front of everyone? Okay.
Gross.
Don't you miss all this?
No.
What about all... this?
Regina, stop.
I'm back with Magnolia, and if my parents knew that you were here...
Momma? We gotta go if we want to catch Little People, Big World.
I'm coming!
When you're done doggy paddling in the kiddie pool,
and you want to do some... breaststrokes in the deep end,
you know where to find me.
Okay, let's go.
Are you ready to pop your cherry?
What? It's her first pageant.
Are you excited?
Yeah, and nervous. I didn't realize there would be so many contestants.
Minus our biggest competition.
Magnolia Barnard has literally never lost a pageant.
Now that she and Etta Mae have dropped out,
we have a much better shot.
Okay.
Ow!
- Oh, sorry. - Mind your bush.
Mom?
What are you doing here?
Oh, well, we're doing the mother-daughter pageant.
If you can do it without me, I can do it without you.
Seriously?
I expected this from her, but you?
I'm sorry. She manipulated me.
And you. I can't believe you.
I finally found something that makes me feel good about myself,
and you decided to become my competition? When is it my turn?
I was doing pageants long before you came along, honey.
This isn't about you.
It's never about me.
Every single time in my life when it should have been about me
getting attention, you've always made it about you.
On my fifth birthday party, you had sex with the clown.
You got drunk at my middle school graduation.
I tried to play soccer and you heckled me.
Yeah, I did. You run like you got shit in your pants.
And now, you're showing up trying to steal my spotlight?
What kind of mother does that to her daughter?
Hey, come on.
- Patt... - Ladies.
Well, I need a drink.
Angie, don't.
Fine.
I'm gonna go meditate.
You go for a walk or something.
I was furious at my mom.
I wish I had a necklace to blow up her life.
You gotta shake it off.
We gotta keep you in the zone.
Would the owner of a red minivan please move your car.
Let's take a walk, clear your head.
Are you seeing what I'm seeing?
- A bunch of bitches? - No.
Inspiration for sabotage.
Do you think I should quit the pageant?
Why are you asking me?
Because we're friends.
Wait. You think we're friends?
I mean, yeah.
Why else would I have called you?
Yeah, sure.
Cool. Uh...
I've never had a friend who's a girl before.
Okay. Pros to doing the pageant.
I've never gotten to do a mother-daughter anything.
My real mom died when I was three.
So, even though Patty's mom is an extreme mess,
she's also the closest thing I've ever had to a mom.
And I really want to sing.
Maybe this'll help me understand why Patty's into all this stuff.
Okay. Cons?
Patty might hate me.
Oh, that's it? One con?
I think you should do it.
You know, go back in and do the pageant.
You've literally just followed Patty to Alabama to protect her.
You've done her plenty of solids.
Maybe it's time to do one for yourself.
We've been defaced.
What?
- You don't think my mom would have...? - No.
This is the work of an evil mother who can spell and her idiot daughter who can't.
Regina and Dixie.
That bitch.
- It's not enough to deflower my so... - Just focus on winning.
- Okay. - How?
Without wardrobe...
Patty, bring me my caboodle.
Uh, what are you doing here?
Just because we sucked face in Alabama does not mean that you can show up here
acting like my boyfriend, because no.
I didn't know you were here. I'm here for Nonnie.
Good, because we are definitely not doing it in the bathroom.
This is such a cliché.
We're the only two Asians at school.
I am not Asian. I am adopted.
Thank you very much.
And welcome to the first annual mother-daughter pageant sponsored by WMBS,
Working Mothers Benevolent Society,
where 100 percent of tonight's proceeds
go to childcare for working mothers everywhere.
And now, let's say hi to our illustrious judges.
Now, let's get this show started.
Are you ready for a show? Here we go.
Come on.
The tear-away tux.
The mankini.
He planned to steal the spotlight all along.
I couldn't trust him.
That dirty effin' dancer.
Okay. Okay.
No.
No. No.
How about we see some people with their clothes on?
Let's welcome our mother-daughter teams in their fun fashion wear.
You tricked me.
You can't be mad. I helped you with the Regina thing.
Even Steven.
And now, here comes our first mother-daughter pair.
Nonnie Thompson and Angie Bladell.
Regina and Dixie Sinclair.
Uninspired but walking in unison, I guess.
And my personal favorites, Patty Bladell and Coralee Armstrong.
Oh, making a statement.
Yes.
Taking back the slurs that women are bombarded with every day is shocking...
and empowering.
Way to go, ladies.
Next up, we have Jessica and Ashley Johnson.
Since Magnolia and Etta Mae dropped out,
Regina and Dixie were our main competition.
Patty and Coralee would need to ace the talent portion to win.
He touched me all down in my hoo. But I said, "No means no."
Winner, winner, winner.
This one is in the bag.
Oh, my God. You're drunk.
We're on next. I can't go on without you. I'll be disqualified.
So now you hate me? Patty hates me.
- Come on. - Let's just go.
- Just get... - Come on. Come on. Let... Come...
Let's just get you some coffee, yeah? Angie?
Ang...
Angie?
So that's it?
I can't sing?
I felt badly for her.
But it was winner take all.
Everyone knows pageants are cutthroat.
Did they make a lady biscuit?
It's a Georgia peach, y'all.
What if my dad was right?
You know, what if my mom doesn't care about me?
I care about you.
I downloaded Dirty Dancing on my laptop.
And I have a bag of bacon cheddar popcorn and beer.
Aww. All of my favorite things.
What's up?
I wanted to show you that I'm not all about sex.
That I can do better, and if you want to talk,
we can...
Shh.
Stop talking.
Patty and Coralee's bushes were first-rate,
but they were still at a disadvantage.
Dixie and Regina were the only pair with a bona fide mother-daughter relationship.
Dixie, answer this question.
What does this woman mean to you?
- My momma is a blond angel. - Aww...
She picked me from the ward of unwanted babies in China,
where little girls are often left in ditches.
Thank you.
Found her in a ditch.
Beat that.
It's okay.
I can't do this.
What? Why not?
Because I've known you for, what, a few days?
How are we gonna convince them we have a real bond?
Because we do.
Please welcome Coralee Armstrong and Patty Bladell.
I believe in you, Patty.
Come on. Let's go out there and win this thing.
Patty, what does this woman mean to you?
My whole life, my real mom told me, "Bladell women never win."
So, instead of living my dreams, I ate them.
And the fat became an armor, protecting me from disappointment.
And then I got skinny,
but I still felt weighed down by who I was, where I came from.
Then someone came along who saw something special in me.
And at first, I thought that that person was just Coralee's husband, Bob...
but Coralee also showed me that I'm not bound to my past,
that anything is possible if I believe in myself.
And for the first time, I think I actually might.
Thank you for loving me before I could love myself,
like a real mom is supposed to.
You're beautiful, Patty!
Did you really mean all that?
Every word.
It was a mother-daughter miracle.
They had formed a real connection, and with any luck,
that could turn Patty into a real winner.
And the winners of the mother-daughter pageant are...
Coralee Armstrong and Patty Bladell!
We did it!
I qualified for Miss Magic Jesus.
Thanks!
Thank you.
No! This pageant is rigged. Ooh!
Bob Armstrong rigged the whole thing.
Wow. She did it again. You totally called it.
...again and again.
He's just allowed again and again, like some pesky disease in this community.
Thank you. I'm glad that you are here, sir.
- Regina Sinclair? - Yes.
You're under arrest for statutory rape.
What?
Momma? Who did you rape?
- No one! - Come on, bring her.
Call Grandpa!
Introduce yourself, then tell him to meet me at the courthouse!
Dixie's mom just got arrested for sleeping with a kid at school.
Eww!
Who would hook up with her?
I couldn't believe it. I'd won my first pageant.
It felt like a drug, and I wanted more.
Maybe all my wildest dreams could come true.
Now that the pageant was over, I could destroy Bob's marriage
and have him all to myself.
There's my winning mother-daughter team.
Congrats, girls.
Except, I didn't want to anymore.
I loved them both.
I am proud of you.
Thank you. But I couldn't have done it without Coralee.
Well, there's my winner.
Hey.
I'm sorry.
I wasn't trying to steal your fire.
It's okay.
You looked so beautiful up there.
I'm so proud of you.
We'll give you a minute.
I heard what you said in your interview... about Coralee.
- I'm sorry. - Mm-mm.
I'm sorry.
I did some shitty things. You were right.
But it's not because I don't believe in you.
It's 'cause I was jealous.
Yeah. And that is a crappy thing to feel.
But I want to make it right.
So, if you want to do pageants with Bob...
I won't stand in your way.
Thank you.
For being honest with me.
Yeah, well, I was full of shit for so long,
I figured I'd try something else.
Yeah.
Oh, come on, we should celebrate. Right?
Right.
Could we maybe invite Coralee?
Sure.
Let's go get her.
It's so heavy, I swear I...
Coralee? My bio mom wants to celebrate.
- She wants you to come. - Oh!
Coralee, Wiener Taco.
My treat.
Uh, Wiener Taco? That's disgusting.
Sweetie, you know we can't hang out anymore, right, honey?
What? Why?
Well, getting those ladies to accept me was all I ever wanted.
And you and your mom, y'all could really drag me down.
So, that's it?
You're just blowing me off?
It's not about you.
It never is.
She knew how vulnerable I was, and she abandoned me anyway.
I wanted her to hurt like I hurt.
I wanted her to feel betrayed like I felt betrayed.
I wanted to light her on fire.
But instead, I threw a grenade.
Coralee, I have something to give you.
But don't worry, it's not about you.
It's a necklace that Bob gave Stella Rose, who he met,
as you know, while you were married.
I thought you'd want to have it.