1 00:00:11,970 --> 00:00:15,849 I was naked, terrified and confused. 2 00:00:16,058 --> 00:00:18,310 How could I have had sex with a man? 3 00:00:18,393 --> 00:00:21,104 And Bob "Boy Crazy" Barnard! 4 00:00:21,605 --> 00:00:27,486 With his perfect man beard and his perfect man chest and his perfect man arms. 5 00:00:29,488 --> 00:00:31,615 I'd always admired women's things. 6 00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:34,034 Did I desire men's things, too? 7 00:00:34,117 --> 00:00:37,079 Had I been lying to myself my entire life? 8 00:00:37,162 --> 00:00:39,581 I needed time to think, alone. 9 00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:48,757 Fleeing the scene of the crime? 10 00:00:49,007 --> 00:00:51,176 No, I'm just late for work. 11 00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:53,804 Something tells me your boss will understand. 12 00:00:54,763 --> 00:00:58,225 - Come here. - Last night was an anomaly, an aberration. 13 00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:01,895 Look, Bob, I get it. You're scared, ashamed, confused. 14 00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:04,982 Hell, I felt that way the first eight or nine times I had gay sex. 15 00:01:05,274 --> 00:01:06,984 Could we please not call it that? 16 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:10,779 All I'm saying is, if anyone understands what you're going through, it's me. 17 00:01:11,446 --> 00:01:15,075 It doesn't mean last night was a mistake. I told you, I love you. 18 00:01:15,158 --> 00:01:16,827 Stop, okay? 19 00:01:16,910 --> 00:01:20,122 Coralee and I have been going to therapy for weeks, 20 00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:22,916 trying to work it out, and we are really making progress. 21 00:01:23,166 --> 00:01:26,378 And yet you found yourself on my doorstep last night. Why? 22 00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:28,755 Because I couldn't get that kiss out of my head. 23 00:01:29,131 --> 00:01:33,802 And then, when you said that maybe I'd spent 30 years hating you 24 00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:35,387 because really I was... 25 00:01:35,470 --> 00:01:36,930 Madly in love with me? 26 00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:38,265 Well, I wouldn't go that far. 27 00:01:39,266 --> 00:01:44,438 But I do think that maybe I had feelings that I needed to explore. 28 00:01:45,063 --> 00:01:46,023 And now? 29 00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,900 Now, I have explored them, and I can move on with my life. 30 00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:56,325 - Stop it. - Why? 31 00:01:56,575 --> 00:01:57,993 Because I love it! 32 00:01:58,076 --> 00:02:00,495 And I don't know how it fits into the rest of my life! 33 00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:02,372 All right. I'm sorry. 34 00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:06,877 I remember being where you are. You just... you need time. 35 00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:12,424 I just hope we can keep seeing each other while you figure it out. 36 00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:14,384 How? I have a wife. 37 00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:15,552 I do too. 38 00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:18,263 I love Etta Mae and Magnolia, 39 00:02:18,347 --> 00:02:20,349 but what they don't know can't hurt them. 40 00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:22,017 But you are lying to them. 41 00:02:22,100 --> 00:02:23,602 It's better than lying to myself, 42 00:02:23,935 --> 00:02:27,898 trying to convince myself I felt fulfilled when I wasn't. 43 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:29,316 So, what do I do? 44 00:02:29,691 --> 00:02:32,069 You got to do what I do. You compartmentalize. 45 00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:35,072 You keep this and Coralee separate. 46 00:02:44,206 --> 00:02:46,416 I couldn't believe the damage I'd done. 47 00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,335 Pushing Dixie from the Ween-Mobile. 48 00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:50,420 Dumping her from a wheelchair. 49 00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,464 And there was no demon to blame. 50 00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:54,800 Which meant I was a horrible person. 51 00:02:54,883 --> 00:02:58,553 We're celebrating. It's your 18th birthday week, 52 00:02:58,637 --> 00:03:00,514 and I just really wanted to kick it off right. 53 00:03:00,597 --> 00:03:04,935 After all, next year you'll be in college, and I won't get to "mom" you anymore. 54 00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:07,979 Thanks, Mom, but I can't... 55 00:03:10,273 --> 00:03:12,192 Happy birthday week! 56 00:03:12,275 --> 00:03:15,112 Your mom told me she was making the French toast. I couldn't resist. 57 00:03:16,321 --> 00:03:17,239 Eat mine. 58 00:03:17,739 --> 00:03:19,658 I can't. Not this close to regionals. 59 00:03:19,741 --> 00:03:21,868 Does that mean we can't do our annual ritual? 60 00:03:21,952 --> 00:03:23,995 - Because I already placed the order. - Sorry. 61 00:03:24,079 --> 00:03:27,290 But we always eat an entire sheet cake from Costco. 62 00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:29,459 Getting sheet-faced is my favorite tradition. 63 00:03:29,793 --> 00:03:32,629 We have to figure out some way to celebrate. 64 00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:34,214 You're about to be an adult. 65 00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:38,552 I'll still be the same person who dumped Dixie from the wheelchair. 66 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,470 Everyone will still hate me. 67 00:03:40,762 --> 00:03:42,347 Come on, look on the bright side. 68 00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:45,016 After graduation, you're gonna get a fresh start. 69 00:03:45,100 --> 00:03:46,101 I can't wait. 70 00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:53,358 Principal Martin wants to see me before school. I'm sure it's about Dixie. 71 00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:57,195 Here, I'll eat your feelings. 72 00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:02,409 Mmm! Milk chocolate-y. 73 00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:04,077 Gooey. 74 00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:08,707 Mmm. The peanut butter's smooth and not crunchy. 75 00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:11,585 Just take a bite. 76 00:04:12,711 --> 00:04:13,837 Just take a drink. 77 00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:18,717 I wanted to believe Bob "Boxer Brief" Barnard, 78 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,052 that I could keep him and Coralee separate. 79 00:04:21,136 --> 00:04:24,222 It at least seemed possible, since she wasn't living in the house. 80 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:28,977 Coralee, what are you doing here? 81 00:04:29,060 --> 00:04:30,812 I decided to move back in. 82 00:04:30,896 --> 00:04:34,024 I feel really good about our talk, and I thought about it, 83 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:36,860 and I think that the only way that this marriage is gonna make it 84 00:04:36,943 --> 00:04:38,737 is if it's under the same roof. 85 00:04:39,446 --> 00:04:44,242 So, you know, I... Why are your knees all red? 86 00:04:45,327 --> 00:04:50,957 Oh! Oh, I was looking for my car keys, high and low. 87 00:04:51,041 --> 00:04:52,250 Mostly low. 88 00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:57,923 So... does this mean that you're back for good? 89 00:04:58,757 --> 00:05:00,509 Well, if that's okay with you. 90 00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:05,639 Bob, I'm sorry about Shane, and you were right. 91 00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:09,309 My identity crisis doesn't justify me cheating on you. 92 00:05:09,392 --> 00:05:11,603 No, it's okay. I get it. 93 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,063 You do? 94 00:05:13,563 --> 00:05:14,523 What changed? 95 00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:18,193 I thought about it, 96 00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:23,406 and I understand now how sleeping with another man, 97 00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:25,909 even just the one time, 98 00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:30,247 could make you have realizations about yourself. 99 00:05:31,998 --> 00:05:34,668 You are the best husband. 100 00:05:36,253 --> 00:05:39,172 It feels so good to be this open and honest. 101 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:43,385 Why would you think I'm... 102 00:05:43,468 --> 00:05:44,636 Cold hands. 103 00:05:45,971 --> 00:05:48,473 Let me make you breakfast. You must be exhausted. 104 00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:50,892 Why would you think I'm... 105 00:05:51,142 --> 00:05:52,769 The bed wasn't slept in. 106 00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:56,064 Was it an all-nighter at the office? 107 00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:57,774 Yes. 108 00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:00,193 Ever since Bob Barnard has joined the firm, 109 00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:02,779 it has been work, work, work. 110 00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:05,949 Well, he may be the boss, but don't let him ride you too hard. 111 00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:10,370 Okay, well, if you don't have time for breakfast, 112 00:06:10,453 --> 00:06:12,664 maybe I can meet you at the office for lunch. 113 00:06:12,747 --> 00:06:15,292 - I could bring something for you and Bob. - No! 114 00:06:17,002 --> 00:06:20,297 If I was gonna compartmentalize, I needed to distract her. 115 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,592 I just mean focus on yourself. 116 00:06:23,842 --> 00:06:26,887 You said that you wanted to be a mompreneur. 117 00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:30,932 You just have to figure out a normal everyday thing that annoys you, 118 00:06:31,016 --> 00:06:33,143 and then just figure out how to solve it. 119 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,396 Who is blowing up your phone? 120 00:06:36,479 --> 00:06:38,106 Bob "Back-Door Man" Barnard. 121 00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:39,858 Oh, Patty. 122 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:44,362 Another emergency. I'm sorry. I know you don't like her. 123 00:06:44,654 --> 00:06:45,655 No, I don't. 124 00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:50,577 But if you are gonna support my interests, then I have to support yours. 125 00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:55,165 Whether they be Patty or pageants or anything else. 126 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:57,751 Nope, nothing else. 127 00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:02,714 That's weird. 128 00:07:02,797 --> 00:07:06,635 Besides being suddenly bisexual, was I also suddenly psychic? 129 00:07:10,388 --> 00:07:12,307 You're suspending Patty? 130 00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:13,642 I have no choice. 131 00:07:13,725 --> 00:07:16,770 The school has a strict anti-bullying policy. 132 00:07:16,853 --> 00:07:17,896 Oh, my God. 133 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:19,439 I'm the bully? 134 00:07:19,522 --> 00:07:22,150 No, you're not. Dixie is. 135 00:07:22,233 --> 00:07:25,862 Dixie is a paraplegic, who Patty dumped out of a wheelchair 136 00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:29,115 at an anti-bullying assembly. 137 00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:31,952 Well, yes, that was an unfortunate turn of events, 138 00:07:32,035 --> 00:07:33,828 but you can't suspend Patty. 139 00:07:33,912 --> 00:07:36,539 With a mark like that on her record, she can't compete in regionals. 140 00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:37,916 This is horrible. 141 00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:39,751 I've become the person I've always hated. 142 00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:44,339 I'm turning 18, and I'm, like, literally the worst possible version of myself. 143 00:07:44,756 --> 00:07:47,092 There has to be something I can do now. What if I apologized? 144 00:07:47,175 --> 00:07:49,135 We tried that. That's how we got here. 145 00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:51,596 Okay, what if I made it up to Dixie? 146 00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:56,559 I could raise money for a wheelchair-accessible ramp 147 00:07:56,935 --> 00:07:58,186 or a new wheelchair. 148 00:07:58,395 --> 00:08:02,607 I may have a solution that could make everyone happy. 149 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,822 Patty had become public enemy number one. 150 00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:13,410 So, if I was gonna redeem her, I knew I had to do something drastic, 151 00:08:13,493 --> 00:08:16,663 which meant reaching out to Regina Sinclair. 152 00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:34,472 Sinclair residence. 153 00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:37,350 Regina. It's Bob Armstrong. 154 00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:40,186 Hang on. Putting you on speaker. 155 00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:44,190 What in the hell is that noise? 156 00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:48,486 Contractor. I'm sanding my floors. 157 00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:50,321 What do you want, Bob? 158 00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:55,618 Well, Patty is turning 18, and she thought she would like to use her birthday 159 00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:58,288 as a way to make amends to Dixie. 160 00:08:58,371 --> 00:09:00,582 We were thinking we could throw Patty a party 161 00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:02,959 and turn it into a charity roast. 162 00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:05,211 We're gonna eat her? 163 00:09:05,628 --> 00:09:09,632 Honey, a roast is an event where people make fun of the guest of honor. 164 00:09:09,716 --> 00:09:12,719 We could charge admission and then use whatever money we raise 165 00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:15,305 to buy Dixie a new electric wheelchair. 166 00:09:15,513 --> 00:09:18,767 I don't want a new wheelchair. We need a place to live! 167 00:09:18,850 --> 00:09:21,269 Ever since they foreclosed on our house, we have nowhere to go. 168 00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:22,979 Ahem! 169 00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:29,486 If you want us on board, we have some demands. 170 00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:33,573 A wheelchair and a van? Can we really raise that kind of money? 171 00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:37,160 Let's hope so. Principal Martin said if you can make amends, 172 00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,453 she'll let you off the hook. 173 00:09:38,536 --> 00:09:42,540 And that means we can get you back into regional... 174 00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:45,919 - Are you even listening to me? - Yeah, sorry. 175 00:09:46,377 --> 00:09:49,297 I haven't spoken with Christian since the exorcism yesterday. 176 00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:51,132 I guess I should just check in. 177 00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:52,092 No, no, no. 178 00:09:52,842 --> 00:09:57,097 I wouldn't. Listen, I heard something weird happened with Christian in Brazil. 179 00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:59,182 That's what I was trying to tell you at the assembly. 180 00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:01,476 I'm gonna try and find out more information from Bob Barnard. 181 00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:03,853 He's got contacts from back when he was a DA. 182 00:10:04,145 --> 00:10:06,106 Barnard? Since when do you ask that guy for favors? 183 00:10:06,523 --> 00:10:07,982 Since we're partners. 184 00:10:08,274 --> 00:10:09,317 At the law firm. 185 00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:12,278 Let's just focus on the roast. 186 00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:14,572 I'd rather not. 187 00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:16,991 Look, I do want to make amends, 188 00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:19,536 but getting roasted sounds a lot like getting bullied. 189 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,746 Oh, it's all in good fun. 190 00:10:21,830 --> 00:10:24,749 Plus, it'll make people like you, letting 'em tell jokes. 191 00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:28,837 In every joke, there's truth, and that might be more than I can handle. 192 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:34,300 Look, it's hard to face the truth, but you are about to be an adult, 193 00:10:34,717 --> 00:10:36,136 and that means doing scary things. 194 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:39,389 Not everyone is brave enough to lay themselves bare in public. 195 00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:41,099 Yeah, 'cause it's terrifying. 196 00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:43,643 But if you do it, there'll be nothing left to fear. 197 00:10:43,726 --> 00:10:44,602 You'll be free. 198 00:10:45,145 --> 00:10:47,188 Trust me, it'll be great. 199 00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:49,941 Listen, I'm gonna work on securing a location. 200 00:10:50,024 --> 00:10:51,985 You work on the refreshment situation. 201 00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:55,113 The less we spend on catering, the more money we can raise. 202 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,490 I still wasn't sold on the roast, 203 00:10:57,574 --> 00:11:01,035 but Bob had been right about everything else, so I had to trust him. 204 00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:03,621 Besides, it wasn't like things could get any worse. 205 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:12,839 - What? What the hell? - I'm officially courting you. 206 00:11:13,214 --> 00:11:17,886 Floor picnic, wine, and I've already reached out about Christian. 207 00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:19,929 - Already? Thanks. - Come on, sit down. 208 00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,139 - You got to eat. - No. 209 00:11:21,222 --> 00:11:23,766 No. Don't argue with me. I don't have time. 210 00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:27,020 I got to get to the rehab center. Today's family day. 211 00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:30,648 How is Magnolia, by the way? 212 00:11:30,982 --> 00:11:33,902 Uh... better. 213 00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:36,154 At least that's what her therapist says. 214 00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:38,072 I'll tell you more later. 215 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,119 - What? - I don't know, you're just... 216 00:11:43,995 --> 00:11:48,833 so open and thoughtful and nice. 217 00:11:48,917 --> 00:11:50,835 It's like you're a different person. 218 00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:52,420 Well, I feel like a different person 219 00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:55,131 now that I don't have to hide how I feel about you. 220 00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,138 Hey, Mr. Choi said he'd sponsor me for the roast. 221 00:12:02,388 --> 00:12:03,765 Oh, that's great, honey. 222 00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,184 What's going on? Bad news? 223 00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:08,770 No. I don't know. 224 00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:13,608 I impulsively reached out to Mama's old boyfriend Gordy on Facebook, 225 00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:16,361 and he actually wrote me back. 226 00:12:17,445 --> 00:12:19,572 Oh, he's still a hottie. 227 00:12:19,906 --> 00:12:22,325 You should totally friend request him so you can see all of his photos. 228 00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:25,119 - No, I don't really need... - Done. 229 00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:26,079 Okay. 230 00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:30,124 - Hey, Patty. - Hey. 231 00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:33,086 Dee, did Nonnie tell you I'm having a birthday party? 232 00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:35,964 - You coming? - Yeah. She told me it was a roast. 233 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,716 I'm surprised you went for that. Sounds brutal. 234 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,552 Yeah, well, it's all in good fun. 235 00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:44,347 And besides, I know the worst thing people are gonna say about me. 236 00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:47,642 - That I dumped Dixie out of a wheelchair. - That's only this week. 237 00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:51,896 What... what do you mean? 238 00:12:52,563 --> 00:12:57,068 Nothing. Just Nonnie's told me a lot of funny stories and... 239 00:12:57,151 --> 00:12:58,278 Nonnie? 240 00:12:58,361 --> 00:13:01,489 It's nothing bad... or not that bad. 241 00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:04,325 Tell me. I mean, I have to be prepared. 242 00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:10,415 Oh, my God. One story here and there isn't that bad, 243 00:13:10,498 --> 00:13:13,668 but when you put them all together, people are gonna hate me even more. 244 00:13:13,751 --> 00:13:15,420 No, they're not. I don't hate you. 245 00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:16,629 I have to call Bob. 246 00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:18,673 I have to get him to call this whole thing off. 247 00:13:19,173 --> 00:13:21,426 - She okay? - How could you do that? 248 00:13:21,509 --> 00:13:23,803 I'm sorry. I didn't think she would freak out like that. 249 00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:25,096 I should go after her. 250 00:13:25,179 --> 00:13:28,266 Of course. Another crisis, you go running. 251 00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,353 What's that supposed to mean? 252 00:13:32,895 --> 00:13:35,064 - I'm her best friend. - You're her lapdog. 253 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,859 Whenever Patty's around, you completely lose yourself, 254 00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:39,902 and it's getting real old, real fast. 255 00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:44,741 Don't ask me to choose between you and Patty, you'll lose. 256 00:13:48,536 --> 00:13:49,412 Hey, Bob. 257 00:13:51,914 --> 00:13:53,916 What's going on? Why are you on the floor? 258 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:58,421 I, um... started meditating at lunch to calm my nerves. 259 00:13:58,713 --> 00:14:00,923 See? 260 00:14:07,722 --> 00:14:09,807 Okay, whatever. We have to cancel the roast. 261 00:14:10,433 --> 00:14:11,267 What roast? 262 00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:14,187 Patty is having a roast for her birthday 263 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,814 to raise money for Dixie's wheelchair. 264 00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:19,609 Why a roast? Seems a little sophisticated. 265 00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:22,070 We needed entertainment so we could charge admission. 266 00:14:22,278 --> 00:14:24,155 Bob says that to make amends, 267 00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:27,867 I need to face the truth and lay myself bare in public. 268 00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:29,869 Oh, is that what he says? 269 00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:32,830 I think it's a horrible idea. I mean, everybody already hates me. 270 00:14:32,914 --> 00:14:36,542 - Once they hear more bad stuff about me... - No, I actually agree with Bob. 271 00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:40,004 I think it's freeing to lean into your truth, 272 00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:43,257 and I also think it's commendable that you're trying to make things right. 273 00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:45,676 Why don't you use my house for your roast? 274 00:14:45,760 --> 00:14:46,928 - Seriously? - Really? 275 00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:49,222 Well, I got this big empty house, why not? 276 00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:50,556 Thanks. 277 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:51,474 My pleasure. 278 00:14:52,517 --> 00:14:56,479 Wait, sorry. Why are you guys acting like... friends? 279 00:14:57,355 --> 00:14:58,189 We're not. 280 00:14:58,272 --> 00:15:02,860 But since we have a location, you can go to work on those fliers. 281 00:15:02,944 --> 00:15:05,029 Go now, go! 282 00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:07,448 That was close. 283 00:15:07,865 --> 00:15:10,827 - It was too close. - Bob, you're being paranoid. 284 00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:14,747 Paranoid? I don't know how you stay so calm. 285 00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:17,166 Sneaking around, living a double life. 286 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:19,669 I'm juggling more balls than I can handle. 287 00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:23,423 - Shit. Now Coralee needs me. - Hey, Bob. Compartmentalize. 288 00:15:24,090 --> 00:15:25,716 Balls up. Go. 289 00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,010 - Call me later. - Thanks... for everything. 290 00:15:29,554 --> 00:15:30,430 Well, look at us. 291 00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:33,057 Just like a real couple. 292 00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:48,531 Did somebody die? 293 00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:52,326 No. I've been racking my brain all day, 294 00:15:52,410 --> 00:15:55,371 and I can't think of a good business idea. 295 00:15:56,038 --> 00:15:57,665 This was the emergency? 296 00:15:58,749 --> 00:16:00,960 You have been brainstorming for just a day. 297 00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:04,213 - You got to give yourself more time. - I don't have time. 298 00:16:04,714 --> 00:16:09,969 The years are just... passing me by, and I have nothing to show for them. 299 00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:11,304 That is not true. 300 00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:14,348 You have two beautiful children, you have WMBS. 301 00:16:14,432 --> 00:16:18,019 And to top it all off, I got my period today. 302 00:16:18,478 --> 00:16:21,898 Well, at least you are not going through menopause. 303 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,233 Not helpful, Bob. 304 00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:25,818 Not helpful. 305 00:16:26,736 --> 00:16:28,571 Women are so complicated. 306 00:16:28,654 --> 00:16:31,073 At least Barnard didn't have so many feelings. 307 00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:41,584 Come on, Coralee. I will not let you give up on yourself. 308 00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:45,838 Maybe I should just forget about it and focus on our marriage. 309 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:46,964 No! 310 00:16:47,757 --> 00:16:48,591 Yes. 311 00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,427 Oh, I am such a failure. 312 00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:54,680 I can't even find my own tampon string right now. 313 00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:58,142 Oh, my God, it happens every damn month. 314 00:16:58,226 --> 00:17:00,186 Where the hell is it? 315 00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:02,897 I mean, there's only so many places it could be. 316 00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:07,443 It's like going on some fucking impossible fishing expedition. 317 00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:09,820 You'd think by now I could do this. 318 00:17:09,904 --> 00:17:12,990 Oh, for God's sake. Just put a ring on it or something. 319 00:17:13,074 --> 00:17:15,201 It is just a tampon. 320 00:17:17,203 --> 00:17:18,955 - That's it. - What's it? 321 00:17:20,331 --> 00:17:24,001 The annoying everyday problem that I am going to fix. 322 00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:28,881 I am gonna create and market a tampon 323 00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:31,842 with a ring and a tassel off the end of it 324 00:17:31,926 --> 00:17:34,554 so women never lose their string. 325 00:17:36,222 --> 00:17:39,392 I'm telling you, Bob. Every woman has had to deal with this problem. 326 00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:40,893 I have never heard about that. 327 00:17:40,977 --> 00:17:42,311 Well, why would you? 328 00:17:42,979 --> 00:17:44,814 Trust me, this is a great idea. 329 00:17:45,106 --> 00:17:48,067 All I have to do is come up with a catchy name, 330 00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:49,944 and then I can look for investors. 331 00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:53,823 I have work to do. Thanks for your help. 332 00:18:03,666 --> 00:18:04,834 Uh... 333 00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:07,253 I should have listened to you 334 00:18:07,336 --> 00:18:09,839 when you said you wanted to quit pageants. 335 00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:12,466 Mags, I had no idea 336 00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:17,054 that you were so miserable you wanted to kill yourself. 337 00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:19,432 That's not why I OD'd. 338 00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:22,310 I was there, listening from the kitchen 339 00:18:22,393 --> 00:18:25,730 when you threw me under the bus for cheating at Miss Magic Jesus. 340 00:18:31,235 --> 00:18:32,236 Magnolia... 341 00:18:34,572 --> 00:18:39,910 I am so... so sorry. 342 00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:45,166 I'll call the pageant board. I'll tell 'em it was my idea. 343 00:18:45,499 --> 00:18:48,210 How could you not tell me I had a sister? 344 00:18:49,045 --> 00:18:51,964 And don't even get me started about you betraying Mom. 345 00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:54,800 You've been lying to both of us my entire life. 346 00:18:54,884 --> 00:18:55,968 You're right. 347 00:18:57,553 --> 00:19:00,056 How am I ever supposed to be able to trust you again? 348 00:19:00,723 --> 00:19:03,184 How do I know that you don't have a million other dirty secrets that... 349 00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:05,144 I'm gay. 350 00:19:09,607 --> 00:19:10,900 You told Magnolia? 351 00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:13,527 Not about us, about me. 352 00:19:13,611 --> 00:19:16,155 What happened to compartmentalizing? 353 00:19:16,238 --> 00:19:19,659 It's because of my lies that she's in that place, 354 00:19:19,742 --> 00:19:22,578 and I can't keep up with all the lies anymore. 355 00:19:22,662 --> 00:19:24,580 Ever since I told you, I just want to be honest. 356 00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:25,706 I want to let it all out. 357 00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:27,041 No, no, keep it in! 358 00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:30,920 Magnolia was so angry with me that I told her before Etta Mae, 359 00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:33,089 and I tried to explain to her I just wanted to wait... 360 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,132 What, you wanna tell Etta Mae? 361 00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:38,135 Not until she gets back from Haiti. She should hear it in person. 362 00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:40,721 I thought what they don't know can't hurt 'em. 363 00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:41,681 I was wrong. 364 00:19:42,473 --> 00:19:44,392 And I don't wanna keep making things worse. 365 00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:49,647 - I got to come clean about me, about us. - Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 366 00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:50,940 About us? 367 00:19:52,316 --> 00:19:53,734 I want to be a couple. 368 00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,653 I'm tired of being in the closet. 369 00:19:55,736 --> 00:19:58,531 I am not. This is all new to me. 370 00:19:58,614 --> 00:20:00,866 It didn't even occur to me that I was bisexual. 371 00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:02,368 Gay. 372 00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:05,955 I'm pretty sure gay men don't like having sex with women, which I do. 373 00:20:06,038 --> 00:20:07,123 I do too. 374 00:20:07,581 --> 00:20:08,791 They're soft. 375 00:20:08,874 --> 00:20:11,669 They're like pillows filled with marshmallows. 376 00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:13,462 They are soft, aren't they? 377 00:20:13,546 --> 00:20:14,422 Yeah. 378 00:20:18,134 --> 00:20:20,052 Wait, so you are bisexual. 379 00:20:20,344 --> 00:20:22,722 No, that's not how I identify. 380 00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:25,057 I'm gay, emotionally. 381 00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:26,892 And I'm pretty sure you are, too. 382 00:20:26,976 --> 00:20:29,687 Don't tell me what I am and don't tell anyone else. 383 00:20:30,271 --> 00:20:32,648 Look, all right, fine. I'm sorry. 384 00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:35,025 Okay? You're right. 385 00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:39,780 Can you stay the night? I don't want to be alone. 386 00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:42,241 Oh. I can't. Coralee. 387 00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:45,619 Just tell her you're working late. She won't suspect a thing. 388 00:20:46,954 --> 00:20:49,665 I thought we were compartmentalizing, 389 00:20:49,749 --> 00:20:52,126 but now Barnard was changing the rules. 390 00:20:52,209 --> 00:20:54,754 I was scared who else he'd tell if I didn't stay, 391 00:20:54,837 --> 00:20:56,922 and I had to keep up my own double life. 392 00:21:06,182 --> 00:21:10,102 I couldn't believe Barnard had been doing this for more than two decades. 393 00:21:10,728 --> 00:21:14,732 It had only been two days, and the guilt was tearing me apart. 394 00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:18,694 The closet used to be my safe place, 395 00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:20,613 but lately, it was feeling more and more... 396 00:21:20,696 --> 00:21:22,656 - Another late night? - ...dangerous. 397 00:21:23,324 --> 00:21:24,408 What time did you get in? 398 00:21:24,492 --> 00:21:27,203 Oh, just now. I'm sorry, did I wake you? 399 00:21:27,411 --> 00:21:29,079 No, Bob Barnard did. 400 00:21:29,622 --> 00:21:32,541 He's called twice in the last two minutes. It must be important. 401 00:21:32,625 --> 00:21:35,920 Oh, we were working late on that case again. 402 00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:37,254 It's very confidential. 403 00:21:37,338 --> 00:21:39,215 Did you see any of these texts? 404 00:21:39,799 --> 00:21:41,091 Just the naked ones. 405 00:22:01,362 --> 00:22:03,781 FYI, I also made this an event on Facebook. 406 00:22:03,864 --> 00:22:05,699 - Thanks. - And Dee's not coming. 407 00:22:05,783 --> 00:22:08,536 We're not talking. She was way out of line. 408 00:22:08,828 --> 00:22:10,913 I'm sorry. I know you really like her. 409 00:22:11,330 --> 00:22:14,834 Yeah, but nobody comes between me and my best friend. 410 00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:20,256 Come to Patty's 18th birthday party. Help Dixie Sinclair buy a new wheelchair. 411 00:22:20,339 --> 00:22:21,799 Are you gonna throw her out of this one, too? 412 00:22:21,882 --> 00:22:23,175 Suck it, geek. 413 00:22:23,259 --> 00:22:25,469 Patty. You're trying to get people to like you again. 414 00:22:25,553 --> 00:22:29,223 That's funny. Okay, I'll see you at the party then. 415 00:22:29,473 --> 00:22:30,558 Okay. 416 00:22:31,141 --> 00:22:34,353 Oh, my God, you know how I get when I'm backed into a corner. 417 00:22:34,687 --> 00:22:37,606 What if people hate me even more? What if I lose my shit? 418 00:22:37,690 --> 00:22:39,525 You better not light anybody on fire. 419 00:22:39,608 --> 00:22:41,193 In a few days, you can be tried as an adult. 420 00:22:44,697 --> 00:22:45,573 Hey, Bob. 421 00:22:45,656 --> 00:22:47,783 Stay away from Christian, do you understand? 422 00:22:47,867 --> 00:22:48,993 Why, what's wrong? 423 00:22:49,076 --> 00:22:50,619 I heard back from Bob Barnard. 424 00:22:50,703 --> 00:22:54,206 Christian was arrested for trying to kidnap his girlfriend in Brazil. 425 00:22:54,290 --> 00:22:56,166 They only reason they didn't press charges is 'cause Pastor Mike 426 00:22:56,250 --> 00:22:57,918 agreed to take his family out of the country. 427 00:22:58,002 --> 00:22:59,461 That's really bad. 428 00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:03,173 Christian kidnapped a girl in Brazil. They only... 429 00:23:05,009 --> 00:23:06,176 Bob, I gotta go. 430 00:23:06,260 --> 00:23:08,345 Hey, Patty. Haven't you been getting my texts? 431 00:23:08,429 --> 00:23:10,222 I haven't heard from you since the exorcism. 432 00:23:10,306 --> 00:23:13,100 Yeah, there was no demon, so turns out it was all me. 433 00:23:13,267 --> 00:23:14,101 Even better. 434 00:23:14,518 --> 00:23:17,146 No, pretty sure that means I'm a bad person. 435 00:23:17,980 --> 00:23:21,025 Isn't your dad having surgery from the car accident? 436 00:23:21,108 --> 00:23:22,067 Yeah, on his leg. 437 00:23:22,151 --> 00:23:23,986 - So shouldn't you be there? - Why? 438 00:23:24,278 --> 00:23:25,487 It's not like I can scrub in. 439 00:23:26,906 --> 00:23:27,781 What are these? 440 00:23:33,037 --> 00:23:34,955 You planned a birthday party without inviting me? 441 00:23:35,414 --> 00:23:39,376 Technically, it's a roast, and anyone can come. 442 00:23:39,460 --> 00:23:40,961 So technically everyone's invited. 443 00:23:41,045 --> 00:23:44,590 But I had something special planned for just the two of us, alone. 444 00:23:44,673 --> 00:23:46,759 She doesn't want to be alone with you. 445 00:23:49,511 --> 00:23:50,721 That's not true. 446 00:23:51,180 --> 00:23:52,097 Right, baby? 447 00:23:52,431 --> 00:23:54,058 I know about the kidnapping in Brazil. 448 00:23:55,893 --> 00:23:58,938 And I think we should stop seeing each other. 449 00:24:00,189 --> 00:24:01,482 I can't believe you were checking up on me. 450 00:24:01,565 --> 00:24:02,733 Whoa, dude, relax. 451 00:24:02,816 --> 00:24:05,194 It wasn't a kidnapping. We took off, like you and I did. 452 00:24:05,402 --> 00:24:07,571 Her parents blew the whole thing totally out of proportion. 453 00:24:07,655 --> 00:24:08,948 Seriously, back off. 454 00:24:09,740 --> 00:24:11,283 Hey! 455 00:24:11,659 --> 00:24:13,285 - Don't... - You can't just walk away from me. 456 00:24:13,369 --> 00:24:15,913 - Let go! - Hey, you heard her, asshole. Let go! 457 00:24:17,706 --> 00:24:19,750 Whatever. It's your birthday. 458 00:24:19,833 --> 00:24:21,919 Do what you want. Watch your back. 459 00:24:23,462 --> 00:24:24,421 Oh, babe. 460 00:24:26,173 --> 00:24:27,508 - You okay? - Yeah. 461 00:24:27,591 --> 00:24:29,969 Thank you for stepping in. 462 00:24:30,052 --> 00:24:31,929 Yeah, I'm just glad you guys are okay. 463 00:24:32,012 --> 00:24:33,097 Happy birthday. 464 00:24:34,098 --> 00:24:34,974 Brick. 465 00:24:37,101 --> 00:24:41,271 Look, I'm... I'm sorry about everything, 466 00:24:41,355 --> 00:24:44,984 and I'm having a party if you wanna come. 467 00:24:45,567 --> 00:24:48,278 I have plans, but I'll try to make it. 468 00:24:53,283 --> 00:24:56,495 Wow. Talk about choosing the wrong guy. 469 00:25:01,834 --> 00:25:03,669 Well, don't you look nice. 470 00:25:04,044 --> 00:25:05,379 What's the occasion? 471 00:25:05,462 --> 00:25:07,047 It's Patty's birthday party. 472 00:25:07,631 --> 00:25:09,049 And I'm not invited? 473 00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:15,556 Well, I mean, you and Patty really haven't spoken since you left town. 474 00:25:16,557 --> 00:25:20,894 Yeah, but I should still go, right? I mean, show that our marriage is strong. 475 00:25:20,978 --> 00:25:24,398 Plus, it's not even really a party, it's more of a charity roast. 476 00:25:24,481 --> 00:25:27,735 Oh, now I definitely wanna come. 477 00:25:27,818 --> 00:25:31,321 Everyone in town is talking about what a bully Patty is. 478 00:25:31,780 --> 00:25:33,574 What do you wear to a bloodbath? 479 00:25:33,657 --> 00:25:36,660 With Bob Barnard wanting to kick out his closet door, 480 00:25:36,744 --> 00:25:39,455 I couldn't risk putting Coralee in the line of fire. 481 00:25:39,538 --> 00:25:40,497 Are you sure? 482 00:25:40,581 --> 00:25:44,001 All the proceeds are going towards a new wheelchair for Dixie Sinclair, 483 00:25:44,084 --> 00:25:46,587 and I know how you feel about Regina. 484 00:25:46,754 --> 00:25:51,133 No, it's important for me to be there for you. 485 00:25:51,675 --> 00:25:52,593 Where is it? 486 00:25:53,927 --> 00:25:55,804 At Bob Barnard's. 487 00:26:01,769 --> 00:26:03,228 Since when do you double fist? 488 00:26:03,729 --> 00:26:06,023 - Excuse me? - The wine, Bob. 489 00:26:06,356 --> 00:26:07,858 Are you nervous about something? 490 00:26:07,941 --> 00:26:09,860 Oh. No. I'm just... 491 00:26:10,152 --> 00:26:11,320 Bob Barnard. 492 00:26:11,904 --> 00:26:13,572 Hey. Oh! 493 00:26:13,655 --> 00:26:15,449 Well, you're lucky you have a beard 494 00:26:15,741 --> 00:26:18,160 that will catch the dribble and crumbs and such. 495 00:26:18,243 --> 00:26:22,831 - Oh, that's so sweet. - And you look dazzling as always, Coralee. 496 00:26:23,082 --> 00:26:23,916 Dazzling. 497 00:26:24,333 --> 00:26:26,293 Oh, my God, that's it. 498 00:26:28,337 --> 00:26:29,463 Tampazzle. 499 00:26:29,546 --> 00:26:32,925 Ooh, ooh! I gotta write that down so I do not forget it. 500 00:26:33,550 --> 00:26:35,177 What the hell is a Tampazzle? 501 00:26:35,260 --> 00:26:37,596 It's a tampon with a tassel. Don't ask. 502 00:26:37,679 --> 00:26:40,390 What are you thinking making jokes like that in front of my wife? 503 00:26:40,474 --> 00:26:43,852 Oh, I always make fun of you. We need to keep up appearances. 504 00:26:43,936 --> 00:26:47,356 Oh, my God. There's an actual line out the front door. 505 00:26:47,439 --> 00:26:51,151 Well, that's the most front-door action this place has seen in days. 506 00:26:51,318 --> 00:26:52,861 I'll go help things along. 507 00:26:57,407 --> 00:26:59,409 So, how are you feeling? 508 00:26:59,493 --> 00:27:01,036 Just trying to be brave, like you said. 509 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:02,371 Good girl. 510 00:27:03,038 --> 00:27:06,959 Now is the time for your birthday gift. 511 00:27:07,918 --> 00:27:08,877 You didn't have to. 512 00:27:10,129 --> 00:27:14,883 It is a bee to remind you to be the most you you can be. 513 00:27:15,717 --> 00:27:17,469 - Cute. - Hey, Patty. 514 00:27:17,845 --> 00:27:19,138 Brick, you came. 515 00:27:19,221 --> 00:27:21,890 Yeah. Well, I got a ride with my parents, so... 516 00:27:22,391 --> 00:27:23,308 Happy birthday. 517 00:27:25,644 --> 00:27:28,355 He is trying to play it cool, but he changed his shirt three times 518 00:27:28,438 --> 00:27:30,315 before we left the house. Now, come on. 519 00:27:30,399 --> 00:27:33,068 Let's go over your final notes, make sure you don't sting anybody. 520 00:27:38,574 --> 00:27:41,160 Dee? What are you doing here? 521 00:27:41,743 --> 00:27:43,036 I wanted to apologize. 522 00:27:43,370 --> 00:27:45,873 I'm sorry about what I said about Patty. 523 00:27:46,290 --> 00:27:49,793 I know she's your best friend, so I wanted to show my support. 524 00:27:51,170 --> 00:27:52,212 Thanks. 525 00:27:52,296 --> 00:27:55,007 Plus, I couldn't miss a chance to hear people talk shit about her. 526 00:27:58,844 --> 00:28:00,429 I'm sorry, Tampoozle? 527 00:28:00,512 --> 00:28:03,891 No, not a Tampoozle, like bamboozle. 528 00:28:03,974 --> 00:28:07,269 Tampazzle, like razzle-dazzle. 529 00:28:07,352 --> 00:28:10,230 Oh, you know what? Here, I'm gonna show you guys. 530 00:28:10,314 --> 00:28:11,773 Who's carrying? 531 00:28:11,857 --> 00:28:12,774 I got one. 532 00:28:16,528 --> 00:28:17,613 Anyone else? 533 00:28:18,113 --> 00:28:19,823 Please, God, anyone else? 534 00:28:20,866 --> 00:28:22,534 Here, hold this. 535 00:28:23,452 --> 00:28:25,078 Thank you. 536 00:28:25,412 --> 00:28:26,747 So, here you go. 537 00:28:26,830 --> 00:28:28,707 Like, we've all been there, right? 538 00:28:28,790 --> 00:28:30,125 Like we're deep sea fishing? 539 00:28:30,209 --> 00:28:31,543 You know, sometimes you're, like, 540 00:28:31,627 --> 00:28:33,837 digging for treasure, trying to find this string. 541 00:28:33,921 --> 00:28:36,590 Here, can you hold that? Okay. 542 00:28:36,673 --> 00:28:39,176 Now watch this. Okay. 543 00:28:39,801 --> 00:28:41,470 Here we go. 544 00:28:44,890 --> 00:28:46,099 Tampazzle. 545 00:28:49,019 --> 00:28:51,521 It's festive, period. 546 00:28:51,855 --> 00:28:54,816 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That's an amazing slogan. 547 00:28:56,151 --> 00:29:00,072 Okay. You know what? Don't you look at me like that. 548 00:29:00,155 --> 00:29:03,325 I mean, if it wasn't for periods, none of y'all would be here. 549 00:29:03,909 --> 00:29:07,204 I think your idea is genius. 550 00:29:07,287 --> 00:29:10,165 - Oh, that makes me hate it a little bit. - I can help you. 551 00:29:10,249 --> 00:29:12,417 I still have all of my real estate contacts. 552 00:29:12,501 --> 00:29:14,878 I can make a list of investors a mile long. 553 00:29:14,962 --> 00:29:17,130 Do you know what else is a mile long? 554 00:29:17,506 --> 00:29:18,632 Your rap sheet. 555 00:29:37,401 --> 00:29:40,279 Gordy. What the hell are you doing here? 556 00:29:40,362 --> 00:29:43,240 I came to see you. Saw the party on your Facebook page, 557 00:29:43,323 --> 00:29:46,201 figured I'd come and... we'd catch up. 558 00:29:47,661 --> 00:29:49,913 What's it been, baby, 19 years? 559 00:29:51,540 --> 00:29:53,417 You need to leave. Now. 560 00:29:53,500 --> 00:29:55,460 If you didn't wanna see me, why'd you reach out? 561 00:29:56,461 --> 00:29:59,673 I don't know. I was... I was confused. 562 00:29:59,965 --> 00:30:00,841 About what? 563 00:30:04,469 --> 00:30:05,721 I've been thinking... 564 00:30:06,596 --> 00:30:08,849 about what happened between us, and... 565 00:30:11,643 --> 00:30:12,644 I think it was wrong. 566 00:30:13,603 --> 00:30:16,732 - What do you mean? - I mean, you were 26. 567 00:30:17,774 --> 00:30:21,236 You were dating my mom. I was 14. 568 00:30:21,611 --> 00:30:25,657 I realize the circumstances were not ideal, but... 569 00:30:28,952 --> 00:30:29,995 we were in love. 570 00:30:30,245 --> 00:30:31,788 I don't think that's what love is. 571 00:30:32,331 --> 00:30:34,708 You were supposed to be a father figure to me. 572 00:30:34,791 --> 00:30:35,625 I was just a kid. 573 00:30:35,709 --> 00:30:38,211 You weren't a kid when you came back to find me all grown up. 574 00:30:38,295 --> 00:30:39,838 Yeah, and that was fucked up. 575 00:30:40,130 --> 00:30:42,549 Everything I did after you was fucked up. 576 00:30:42,632 --> 00:30:44,968 It's like I got stuck at 14. 577 00:30:45,052 --> 00:30:48,555 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't you go blaming all your problems on me, okay? 578 00:30:48,638 --> 00:30:50,390 You sound like you're having a mid-life crisis. 579 00:30:51,266 --> 00:30:52,100 Excuse me. 580 00:30:52,184 --> 00:30:54,227 Guys aren't paying attention to you like they used to. 581 00:30:54,895 --> 00:30:57,522 You're feeling a little long in the tooth. I can't blame you. 582 00:30:58,273 --> 00:31:00,317 You're old enough to have a teenage daughter. 583 00:31:00,859 --> 00:31:03,570 Where is she, by the way? I wanna wish her a happy birthday. 584 00:31:04,613 --> 00:31:06,365 Well, look at her. 585 00:31:06,448 --> 00:31:09,743 She's a fox, just like you when you were her age. 586 00:31:10,243 --> 00:31:11,203 You know what? 587 00:31:12,996 --> 00:31:14,247 I did miss you. 588 00:31:15,248 --> 00:31:18,210 Do you still keep that stash of pot in Kitty's glovebox? 589 00:31:19,336 --> 00:31:20,379 I sure do. 590 00:31:20,462 --> 00:31:22,672 Hmm. Why don't you give me five minutes to freshen up, 591 00:31:22,756 --> 00:31:26,093 score me some condoms, and I'll meet you out front? 592 00:31:47,239 --> 00:31:48,573 Howdy, Officer. 593 00:31:48,657 --> 00:31:50,992 I got a tip you may be carrying some drugs. 594 00:31:51,743 --> 00:31:52,744 Mind if I take a look? 595 00:31:57,332 --> 00:31:59,000 Son of a... 596 00:32:00,127 --> 00:32:01,795 The roasting throne. 597 00:32:01,878 --> 00:32:03,213 I felt like it was taunting me. 598 00:32:03,672 --> 00:32:06,174 I may as well have been going to the electric chair. 599 00:32:06,258 --> 00:32:08,802 Patty, I was gonna wait to give you your gift, 600 00:32:08,885 --> 00:32:10,679 but I wanna give it to you now. 601 00:32:14,516 --> 00:32:16,143 You're giving me your car? 602 00:32:16,226 --> 00:32:18,186 I want you to get out of this town someday, 603 00:32:18,270 --> 00:32:20,605 see new places, do amazing things. 604 00:32:20,689 --> 00:32:22,649 Things I never got to do. 605 00:32:23,191 --> 00:32:24,943 It's never too late for a fresh start, baby. 606 00:32:25,485 --> 00:32:30,073 Which is... Which is why I got to get out of here. 607 00:32:30,782 --> 00:32:32,451 What, now? But the roast... 608 00:32:32,534 --> 00:32:34,411 I have to leave while everyone's distracted. 609 00:32:34,494 --> 00:32:36,538 I'm skipping town for a while. 610 00:32:36,621 --> 00:32:37,873 It's time to grow up. 611 00:32:38,623 --> 00:32:41,042 You and me, we can both be adults. 612 00:32:41,668 --> 00:32:43,086 So, what are you gonna do? 613 00:32:43,420 --> 00:32:45,046 Don't worry about that, baby. 614 00:32:45,297 --> 00:32:46,882 I'll call you as soon as I can. 615 00:32:47,507 --> 00:32:48,592 I love you. 616 00:32:51,011 --> 00:32:52,220 Happy birthday. 617 00:32:56,766 --> 00:32:58,101 Ready to get roasted? 618 00:33:15,243 --> 00:33:17,996 Thank you all so much for coming 619 00:33:18,079 --> 00:33:21,500 and helping to buy Dixie Sinclair a new set of wheels. 620 00:33:25,921 --> 00:33:30,425 And to help roast Patty Bladell alive. 621 00:33:33,094 --> 00:33:35,805 So, here is how tonight is going to work. 622 00:33:35,889 --> 00:33:37,724 Anyone who wants to come up 623 00:33:37,807 --> 00:33:41,228 and speak the truth about Patty is welcome. 624 00:33:41,311 --> 00:33:43,063 But be warned. 625 00:33:43,146 --> 00:33:47,776 When you're done, Patty will get the chance to do the same to you. 626 00:33:48,235 --> 00:33:52,197 And if there's one thing Patty loves more than a buffet, 627 00:33:52,447 --> 00:33:53,573 it's revenge. 628 00:33:56,117 --> 00:34:00,330 Just ask Dixie Sinclair, am I right? 629 00:34:00,580 --> 00:34:04,084 Okay, so, let's get this party started. 630 00:34:04,543 --> 00:34:06,962 I felt like a lamb getting led to slaughter. 631 00:34:07,045 --> 00:34:08,296 I braced for the worst. 632 00:34:08,505 --> 00:34:10,006 I knew Patty wasn't much of an athlete 633 00:34:10,090 --> 00:34:12,926 when we had to run the 50-yard dash in third grade. 634 00:34:13,093 --> 00:34:14,803 She crossed the finish line in sixth. 635 00:34:17,472 --> 00:34:20,433 That wasn't so bad. And who knew Brick had a sense of humor? 636 00:34:21,017 --> 00:34:23,603 I love Patty. She's like a second daughter to me. 637 00:34:24,271 --> 00:34:26,398 But with her around, I also gained a son... 638 00:34:27,232 --> 00:34:28,567 the Domino's delivery guy. 639 00:34:28,650 --> 00:34:32,279 I love pizza. I love pizza. 640 00:34:32,362 --> 00:34:34,948 Patty totally flashed me her boobs once at the Booze 'N Stuff. 641 00:34:35,323 --> 00:34:36,366 Oh, way to go, man. 642 00:34:38,493 --> 00:34:40,036 And what's the punch line? 643 00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:42,831 No punch line. I just wanted everyone to know. 644 00:34:43,623 --> 00:34:47,586 Dixie used to be Bob Armstrong's shining star, 645 00:34:47,669 --> 00:34:50,589 but he traded her in for a cheaper model. 646 00:34:51,923 --> 00:34:55,302 Oh, honey, don't you know everything good comes from China? 647 00:34:58,179 --> 00:35:00,181 Growing up, I had a lot of nicknames for Patty. 648 00:35:00,807 --> 00:35:05,562 Porky, Chunky Brewster, Blubberguts, Big Gob, 649 00:35:05,645 --> 00:35:09,107 Butterball, Lard Bucket, Tub o' Chitlins. 650 00:35:09,482 --> 00:35:10,984 Okay, okay, I get it. 651 00:35:11,067 --> 00:35:11,985 I was fat. 652 00:35:12,819 --> 00:35:14,487 I was building to... 653 00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:16,156 you're a slut. 654 00:35:19,284 --> 00:35:20,535 It was brutal. 655 00:35:20,619 --> 00:35:21,745 Burn. 656 00:35:22,203 --> 00:35:24,039 Thank God Nonnie was the last person to go. 657 00:35:24,122 --> 00:35:27,167 At least I knew I had already heard anything she would have to say. 658 00:35:27,834 --> 00:35:32,172 Being best friends with Patty Bladell is not for the weak of heart or stomach. 659 00:35:33,214 --> 00:35:35,133 She once made me eat so much sugar-free chocolate, 660 00:35:35,216 --> 00:35:36,384 I crapped my pants. 661 00:35:38,345 --> 00:35:42,807 Oh, also, she once made me drive ten miles in an ice storm to get donuts. 662 00:35:43,224 --> 00:35:45,935 And she made me help her steal police evidence. 663 00:35:46,978 --> 00:35:47,812 Sorry, Dad. 664 00:35:48,772 --> 00:35:50,899 Oh, and she made me conjure a demon. 665 00:36:00,367 --> 00:36:01,242 Wow. 666 00:36:03,286 --> 00:36:06,164 I can't believe all the crazy shit you've made me do. 667 00:36:19,177 --> 00:36:20,303 Hey, wait, Nonnie. 668 00:36:21,137 --> 00:36:25,767 Well, on that note, let us all take a brief intermission. 669 00:36:27,227 --> 00:36:29,187 Wait, wait, wait, Nonnie. Hey, hey, Nonnie. 670 00:36:30,146 --> 00:36:33,900 I am so sorry for making you do all of those things. 671 00:36:33,983 --> 00:36:34,984 You didn't. 672 00:36:35,068 --> 00:36:38,113 You didn't force me to or put a gun to my head. It's on me. 673 00:36:39,739 --> 00:36:40,573 What do you mean? 674 00:36:40,865 --> 00:36:43,368 I mean, I don't think for myself when I'm with you. 675 00:36:44,285 --> 00:36:45,912 I lose who I am... 676 00:36:46,663 --> 00:36:49,416 and I don't wanna lose my girlfriend over it, so I got to go. 677 00:36:49,499 --> 00:36:52,043 Wait, Nonnie... Hey, wait. 678 00:36:52,794 --> 00:36:55,380 - We need to finish this conversation. - No, we don't. 679 00:36:56,589 --> 00:37:01,803 I'm sorry, Patty... but this friendship isn't working for me anymore. 680 00:37:04,097 --> 00:37:05,390 I need to take a break. 681 00:37:07,559 --> 00:37:09,894 It was the worst birthday ever. 682 00:37:09,978 --> 00:37:12,772 I lost my Mom, my best friend. 683 00:37:12,856 --> 00:37:17,235 All I had left was Bob, and I needed to find him ASAP. 684 00:37:19,529 --> 00:37:22,782 Hey. What are you guys talking about? 685 00:37:22,866 --> 00:37:26,661 Well, Coralee was just thanking me for being so supportive 686 00:37:26,745 --> 00:37:28,872 while you went through your rough patch. 687 00:37:29,330 --> 00:37:30,957 You know what? Let's toast. 688 00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:34,169 To Bob Barnard, the man who may have saved our marriage. 689 00:37:34,711 --> 00:37:36,212 Oh! 690 00:37:36,296 --> 00:37:38,631 Okay, sugar. Do you have a dustpan? 691 00:37:38,715 --> 00:37:39,883 Oh, in the mud room. 692 00:37:43,845 --> 00:37:45,597 - I can't do this. I am not like you. - You can. 693 00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:48,183 We just need to get you through the night without you falling apart. 694 00:37:48,266 --> 00:37:49,851 Me? What about you? 695 00:37:50,059 --> 00:37:52,145 Who knows who you may come out to next? 696 00:37:52,228 --> 00:37:54,272 Oh, my God. 697 00:37:54,355 --> 00:37:58,276 I'm dizzy. I can't feel my hands. Oh, my God. I can't breathe. 698 00:38:01,321 --> 00:38:02,947 Oh, my God, you have to stand up. 699 00:38:03,448 --> 00:38:06,159 Hey, you need to calm down. You gotta calm down. 700 00:38:07,202 --> 00:38:08,953 I know what you need. Come on. 701 00:38:10,205 --> 00:38:13,583 Mm-hmm. Just breathe. Just breathe. 702 00:38:14,083 --> 00:38:15,502 And let go. 703 00:38:19,130 --> 00:38:21,549 Oh, stop. I can't live like this. 704 00:38:22,383 --> 00:38:24,135 You're better at it than you think. 705 00:38:33,061 --> 00:38:34,312 What the fuck? 706 00:38:34,395 --> 00:38:39,275 Bob said the truth would set me free, and he was keeping secrets all along? 707 00:38:39,776 --> 00:38:42,862 I had been humiliated, abandoned. 708 00:38:42,946 --> 00:38:45,240 All because I trusted him. 709 00:38:45,323 --> 00:38:47,283 And now, I was gonna make him pay. 710 00:38:48,910 --> 00:38:50,495 Intermission's over, folks. 711 00:38:51,037 --> 00:38:52,580 Let's just skip right to the end. 712 00:38:53,081 --> 00:38:56,835 Oh, look, our MC has decided to join us. 713 00:38:57,502 --> 00:38:59,712 Hey, Bob. Where were you? 714 00:38:59,796 --> 00:39:01,714 Oh, sorry, bathroom. 715 00:39:03,174 --> 00:39:05,468 Well, I just wanna start by thanking everyone 716 00:39:05,552 --> 00:39:07,804 for their brutal honesty tonight. 717 00:39:08,471 --> 00:39:11,140 Who doesn't need a little more truth in their life? 718 00:39:14,060 --> 00:39:16,813 That's what tonight is all about, right, Bob? 719 00:39:17,272 --> 00:39:18,147 The truth? 720 00:39:18,898 --> 00:39:24,112 See, Bob is always telling me that I should be the most me that I can be. 721 00:39:25,071 --> 00:39:28,366 Just really live in my truth. 722 00:39:29,534 --> 00:39:34,247 But I think that everyone should walk the walk and talk the talk. 723 00:39:35,498 --> 00:39:36,666 So come on, Bob. 724 00:39:37,083 --> 00:39:39,460 You have any secrets you wanna share with the group? 725 00:39:43,339 --> 00:39:44,173 Come on. 726 00:39:44,632 --> 00:39:46,342 Be the most you you can be. 727 00:39:47,218 --> 00:39:49,554 You wanna tell Coralee, or do you want me to? 728 00:39:50,930 --> 00:39:53,391 Bob, what is she talking about? 729 00:39:53,474 --> 00:39:55,018 I have no idea. 730 00:39:55,101 --> 00:39:56,436 He's boning Bob Barnard. 731 00:39:59,564 --> 00:40:01,149 - Oh! - What? 732 00:40:02,859 --> 00:40:05,236 That's ridiculous. I would never... 733 00:40:05,320 --> 00:40:06,696 Oh, you would never what? 734 00:40:07,530 --> 00:40:08,364 Lie? 735 00:40:09,407 --> 00:40:12,243 While telling everyone else to be honest? 736 00:40:12,327 --> 00:40:16,497 Or you would never be a fraud while telling me to be authentic? 737 00:40:16,831 --> 00:40:20,752 Or you would never betray the trust of everyone you know? 738 00:40:25,715 --> 00:40:27,842 I mean, that's not true, is it, Bob? 739 00:40:35,099 --> 00:40:37,352 What? Why are you looking at him? 740 00:40:41,606 --> 00:40:42,690 Oh, my God. 741 00:40:44,859 --> 00:40:45,902 Oh, my God. 742 00:40:47,904 --> 00:40:49,572 Coralee, please. 743 00:40:50,114 --> 00:40:51,115 Please don't leave. 744 00:40:51,366 --> 00:40:54,243 No, I'm not leaving this time, Bob. 745 00:40:55,703 --> 00:40:56,537 You are. 746 00:40:58,706 --> 00:41:01,501 Don't come home... ever. 747 00:41:09,258 --> 00:41:11,970 - Oh, my God! I'm so sorry! - Oh, it's hot! It's hot! 748 00:41:15,390 --> 00:41:18,142 I can walk again! Praise Jesus, it's a miracle! 749 00:41:18,226 --> 00:41:19,394 It's a miracle. 750 00:41:19,477 --> 00:41:21,688 See, everyone is a liar except me. 751 00:41:32,615 --> 00:41:35,660 Why did you do that to me, after everything I've done for you? 752 00:41:35,743 --> 00:41:38,663 Done for me? You humiliated me! 753 00:41:39,122 --> 00:41:41,708 You made me listen to all that ugliness, 754 00:41:41,791 --> 00:41:45,086 telling me to be brave when you're a coward! 755 00:41:45,253 --> 00:41:50,633 I wanted to handle things the right way, which you have now made impossible! 756 00:41:51,009 --> 00:41:54,929 I did you a favor and laid you bare, just like you did to me. 757 00:41:55,471 --> 00:41:59,017 And how does it feel, huh? Don't you feel free? 758 00:42:00,226 --> 00:42:01,227 You know what? 759 00:42:01,561 --> 00:42:02,770 You are right. 760 00:42:03,187 --> 00:42:05,606 I never should have thought because you were beautiful 761 00:42:05,690 --> 00:42:08,860 that your insides matched your outsides. 762 00:42:09,068 --> 00:42:13,740 Please don't be the most you you can be, 763 00:42:13,823 --> 00:42:18,161 because who you are... is ugly. 764 00:42:27,628 --> 00:42:30,214 Bob told me I had to face my truth, 765 00:42:30,298 --> 00:42:32,633 and now it was all too clear. 766 00:42:34,260 --> 00:42:36,763 I was selfish, destructive, 767 00:42:36,846 --> 00:42:39,682 and so caught up in my own self-righteous anger 768 00:42:39,766 --> 00:42:43,394 that I didn't think about how my actions would affect anyone else. 769 00:42:43,978 --> 00:42:47,065 Bob was right, I was ugly on the inside, 770 00:42:47,148 --> 00:42:49,817 so it didn't matter what my outsides looked like. 771 00:42:50,026 --> 00:42:51,152 Not anymore. 772 00:42:51,486 --> 00:42:52,904 So who cared what I ate? 773 00:42:52,987 --> 00:42:55,323 I just didn't want to feel this pain. 774 00:42:55,531 --> 00:43:01,037 I didn't want to feel anything at all, so I turned to the only friend I had left. 775 00:43:03,206 --> 00:43:05,041 Happy birthday, Fatty Patty.