I felt hungrier than ever.
But it wasn't just my stomach that felt empty.
Nonnie had dumped me, my mom ran off to who knows where,
and Bob Armstrong hated me for outing him and Bob Barnard.
And who could blame him?
I hated me too.
I spent the last week hiding out,
stuffing my face, and already none of my pants fit.
I knew food wasn't gonna fix my problems, but what else could I do?
And then I got my answer.
Drew Barrymore was coming to Atlanta?
It was divine intervention,
like a sign from God herself.
Drew wouldn't give up like a loser and eat her way into oblivion.
So, what would Drew Barrymore do?
She'd clean up her mess.
Make amends for what she'd done.
Like in Never Been Kissed, when Drew writes that article
telling everyone Michael Vartan's not really a perv.
But I couldn't start with Bob.
He hated me the most.
At least I didn't ruin Nonnie's life.
I just hoped she would take my call.
You know that you picking me up from rehab doesn't mean we're back together, right?
Obviously.
But I figure if I've got to go to dinner with my dad and his new boyfriend,
who better to do it with than my ex-girlfriend
whose dad's dating my dad?
Were you mad when you found out?
I was furious.
But now, I have compassion for him.
You know? It must've been tough, keeping that side of himself
hidden for so long.
I wish I could be that compassionate.
My mom hasn't left the house since they got outed.
Plus, I just keep on picturing it, you know, your dad on top of my dad,
- my dad on top of your dad... - Okay, maybe I should have taken an Uber.
Hey. Magnolia and Brick are already on their way.
You are gonna put on a shirt before they get here, right?
Of course. Just didn't wanna get grease on my clothes.
Relax, it'll all be fine.
How...? How do you know?
We've just been hiding out here since Patty outed us.
Dodging the stares, avoiding reality.
Ain't it been kind of nice?
Like a honeymoon?
I mean, Etta Mae agreed to the divorce, so we can finally be ourselves.
Speak for yourself. I don't even know that this is who I am.
Come on, you going back to thinking you're not gay?
I... I feel like a lesbian, Bob.
We moved in together after a week.
I don't know, you... You and I,
in this house, living like this,
I didn't choose it.
- Patty did. - Look.
You can move forward if you just let yourself.
Maybe smoothing things over with Brick's a good start.
Okay? Here we go.
- Shirt! - Oh, right.
So, Brick...
we made your favorite, pork chops.
I haven't had pork since my buddy Andy got a pet pig a year ago.
Well, I can make you something else.
It's fine. I'm barely hungry.
Sorry, Brick, I'm trying. I'm nervous.
I don't... I don't know how to act around you guys.
It's okay, Bob. Just be yourself.
Yeah, a cheater and a liar.
All right, Brick. I know it is strange to see me with a man.
Trust me, it is a surprise for me too.
Then you're the only one.
Dad, you are a man obsessed with shoes and purses. Big shock, you're gay.
- I'm bi. - Whatever.
Gay, bi, straight, trans. That is fine.
What's not fine is the two of you deciding to break up two families
like it's nothing.
- Okay, Brick, easy. - I don't think I was talking to you.
All right, Brick, please be respectful.
You know what? I can't do this.
Bob, you tried. He just needs some time. You've got to let him go.
So...
you still eat pork, right?
How the hell did you get in here? I changed the locks.
The spare's still under the doormat.
Well, aren't you a regular Sherlock homosexual?
- Please leave. - Have you seen Brick?
He and I were about to have dinner.
It did not go well, and I just wanna talk.
- He's not here. - Well, his car is outside.
Well, maybe he went for a run.
But it sounds like he doesn't wanna talk to you, Bob.
And quite frankly, neither do I, so please go.
Coralee, we need to be able to talk about our son.
Okay, I am filing for a divorce, Bob.
No.
- I don't want a divorce. - What did you think was gonna happen?
Did you think that we were gonna stay married even though you're gay?
I'm not gay, I'm bi.
You are Brokeback, Bob.
Two gay men, married to women,
thinking about each other while sleeping with your unsuspecting wives.
That is not true. We both love sex with women.
Even though he says he's gay, which makes no sense to me at all...
Because it's bullshit!
Okay? It is bullshit.
Our entire marriage has been a lie.
That's not true.
I love you.
No, no. No, no, no.
Don't you say that to me.
You don't ever get to say that to me again.
You are still the sexiest woman I've ever seen,
but there is this whole other part of me
- that I didn't even know… - Oh, okay, okay. You know what?
Go be sexually confused in someone else's kitchen.
Like maybe your boyfriend's.
Coralee, I was willing to give you the space to work through your stuff.
- Can't you do that for me? - No, I... I... No.
Not about this.
Leave the key on the counter.
I am done.
When Nonnie wouldn't take my calls,
I got Choi to help me track her down.
Hey, Patty.
You haven't been in school, haven't been answering my calls or texts.
- I was worried about you. - Don't be.
And not answering your calls and texts is a hint that I don't wanna talk to you.
Please let me make it up to you. I... got you a birthday present.
Have you just been, like, carrying that around with you?
How did you know I was gonna be here?
- Are you stalking me? - Come on, just take it.
- Take it. - I don't wanna take anything from you.
Please, just leave me alone.
I should have been worried that I had a stalker,
but I was more worried about fixing things with my best friend.
Hey.
Hey, Patty.
Fancy meeting you here!
Choi, did you set me up?
All right, I'm sorry. I think it's weird you guys aren't friends anymore.
You're like peanut butter and jelly, or Charlie Manson and Sharon Tate,
- or Jerry Lewis and... - Okay, Choi.
- We get it. - ...Dean Martin.
Um, look, I brought you a peace offering.
I don't know if you heard, but,
Drew Barrymore is coming into town to sign her newest book.
And I realized that seeing her wouldn't mean anything without you.
So, I got us tickets.
You really don't get it, do you?
I told you I needed a break,
which means it's up to me to decide when that break is over.
Not you.
And for the record, I don't even like Drew anymore.
I like Charlize Theron now.
Sorry. Anything I can do?
Coralee.
No, but there was something I could do.
Coralee. Half a dozen hard, half a dozen soft,
two wet tods,
one wien rings, two fudgy wieners, and Diet Coke.
It's not all for me.
Coralee, can we talk?
See? I have a friend joining me. Get over here.
I really wanna make amends for what I did.
I wanna find a way to make it up to you.
Well, you could start by eating half this food.
You'd be saving me from myself.
So, wait, you don't... like, totally hate me?
Well, I did hate you...
for giving me the necklace from Stella Rose,
and for trying to steal Bob.
Which I completely regret, now more than ever.
Well, obviously it doesn't matter since he prefers wieners over tacos.
I think you did me a favor, Patty, by outing Bob.
Well, I needed to know the truth,
and now I can move on with my life, you know?
I'm just gonna drown my sorrows in some wieners,
and then maybe get an investor for Tampazzle.
- Tamp... whatzel? - Tampazzle.
It's a tampon with a tassel, so you could pull it right out.
Oh, my God, I would totally use that.
I know, right? And Bob totally didn't get it.
I swear, losing Bob might be the best thing that ever happened to me.
Because now, I can be the me
I always wanted to be without Bob getting in the way.
At least one of us felt better off without Bob.
And you can be too, Patty.
Did I say that out loud?
You are smart. You don't need Bob pushing you around,
and you certainly don't need pageants.
Except I do.
I've been smart my whole life, I've gotten straight A's.
But nobody's dying to take the valedictorian to prom.
I just wanna know what it feels like to be beautiful.
You are beautiful.
I don't feel it.
I got thin.
I got thin, I got a boyfriend, I got new friends...
and I still feel like a loser.
Oh, honey.
I just keep thinking that if...
If I could get up there, on that stage with those girls,
and if I could win that crown...
then maybe I would feel like...
I was finally enough.
I get it. You want the brass ring.
The validation.
Yeah.
But now I'll never get it. I mean, I've just been sitting and binging.
Regionals is a week away. I would have to lose ten pounds.
Well, fortunately for you, I know someone who's an expert at losing weight fast.
Yeah, wrestlers sometimes have to lose ten pounds in two days
to make their weight class, so I know all the tricks.
This next week's about sweating and starving.
Let's get some mileage in before the Ex-Lax kicks in, yeah?
Speaking of shitty,
I wanted to apologize for how I treated you.
- It's fine. You don't have to. - I do.
You're being so helpful, and...
- I was kind of an asshole to you. - Oh, kind of?
You know, you broke up with me, you didn't listen to me about Christian,
you outed my dad.
Okay. Definitely an asshole.
Look, you told the truth about my dad, so you kind of did me a solid,
and I've done some messed up things, you know?
Cheated on Magnolia, slept with Regina.
Plus, I'm enjoying watching you suffer.
So, come on. Let's pick up the pace.
Hey, good morning. How'd you sleep?
- Not great. - Yeah, well, me neither.
Bob didn't come home last night.
- He was probably out looking for Brick. - Yeah.
Well, still, he could have called.
Why didn't you sleep well?
First night at home in a new old bed?
No. I was thinking about Roxy.
You were? What about her?
I feel bad that she's spent all this time with no father.
I think you need to reach out. Clear the air.
We should go talk to her together.
Well, thank God you're all right. I thought you were dead in a ditch.
- Okay, weird. You sound like Mom. - Sorry, I was out driving around.
All night?
Coralee wants a divorce.
I'll let you guys... talk.
Yeah. Thank you, darling.
Hey, come on, have a seat.
What's going on? What happened?
It was... It was horrible. She's furious.
She thinks our whole marriage was a sham.
Well... on the bright side,
at least we can be together now without any guilt.
Except, I don't want a divorce.
You...
So, what are you saying?
You wanna get back with her?
No, that's not what I'm saying.
Really? Because honestly, Bob,
it sounds like the opposite of moving forward.
I just thought maybe there was a way that everything
- could work out somehow. - You did, how?
You think it's gonna be some kind of shared custody agreement?
- A week with me, a week with her? - I don't know.
- No, you're in denial, Bob. - Of what?
Of reality.
You...
You need to start grieving the loss of your old life.
Maybe I did need to grieve.
I did feel like a part of me had died...
murdered by the hands of my former protégé, Patty Bladell.
Brick and I had been doing two-a-days all week,
and I was already feeling stronger.
Okay, stop. I gotta stop. Sorry, I need a break.
Yeah, okay, here. Uh...
- Drink this. - What's in it anyway?
Uh, lime juice, cayenne pepper, maple syrup, raw egg,
- All-Bran... - Sorry I asked.
Yeah.
Is that Christian's car?
- Are you following me? - No, I just pulled over to send a text.
You just happened to be on the street where I'm running.
Or you just happened to be on the street where I'm parked.
- Maybe it's fate. - I don't believe in fate.
- What the hell's going on? - Christian's stalking me.
Whoa, easy, Vanilla Ice.
Get the hell out of here or I'm calling the cops!
- The cops? You attacked me. - Yeah.
And it'll be a lot worse if you come near Patty again.
So get in your car, drive away, and don't come back!
Okay, okay. I'll go.
- You okay? - Yeah. Yeah, now.
- We should call the cops. - No. No, no, no.
I mean, he's right, you attacked him first.
Besides, I think he got the message.
Your mom's out of town, so if he shows up again, call me.
We got another mile, so, let's go.
So, does this mean you're my real dad?
Stella Rose said my real dad died.
Well, she lied, because I asked her to.
I was more worried about my image than telling the truth.
Why change your mind now?
He's gay.
- I don't understand what that… - Look, I recently came out.
And now, I'm trying to live a more honest and open life about everything.
And I realize I did a lot of damage
when I was pretending to be someone I wasn't.
And now I truly am trying to make amends,
to both of my daughters.
And I'd really love to get to know my sister.
- So you're doing this for you. - What? No.
No, we're doing this for us. For our family.
You're not my family. I don't have a family.
I went from foster home to foster home,
just trying to get by with no idea where I belonged.
You... You abandoned me.
And this is the first time I've heard from you,
so do me a favor, and let it be the last.
Hey, what are you doing?
The movers picked up my stuff from Coralee's today.
I, uh... I put most of it in storage, but there are a few boxes I...
I wanted to go through.
Look...
If you wanna go back...
I don't.
I need to move forward, like you said.
I just feel guilty.
Brick was right, we broke up two families.
You did the best you could...
to protect your family. We both did.
I saw Roxy today.
And how did that go?
Didn't go well.
Oh, look at us. We're supposed to be happy.
Gay!
Okay.
Whoo!
We need to shake off this bad mood.
I have an idea.
I feel so much better.
Whoo! Feels so good to finally introduce hashtag "BarnStrong" to the world.
Lick it.
You'll like it.
Oh, um, I'm sorry. I'm... I'm... I'm with someone.
I don't... I don't think this is my scene.
Oh, come on, Bob, loosen up. Let your rainbow flag fly.
Whoo!
I'm not sure those are my colors.
Guys, I'm...
This isn't... This is dry clean only!
Yeah, Daddy, take it off!
Take it all off!
That's not what... I mean...
It was one place on one night. You can't judge it just by that.
I told you, I am not like you.
- Those aren't my people. - But I'm your people.
Look, there's plenty of other things we can do as a gay couple
that don't involve go-go boys and strobe lights.
Just... just stay open, hun.
Might take some negotiation, but we can figure it out.
What the fuck?
No, no, no.
What if one of those big, beefy bear men followed us home
to try and force us to devil taint them?
A boy can dream.
Oh, I'm sorry. I knocked over your garbage.
Roxy, what are you doing here?
I confronted Stella Rose. I asked her about why she lied.
Come on, come in.
She told me that you paid her off to keep her quiet.
She could've used that money to take care of me, so why give me up for adoption?
Like, what kind of person does something like that?
All right. Hey, come here.
I was so hurt, I just started driving.
Do you like peach or lemon zinger tea?
I was actually starting to think I could win regionals without Bob.
I was feeling strong, independent, fearless.
So much for fearless.
Oh, my God!
Thanks again for giving up your room.
- I feel safer already. - Yeah, I...
I was glad you called. I mean, clearly,
Christian did not get the message, so... take this.
My mom got it after she took a self-defense class, and…
Yeah, one zap of this would knock his ass out for 30 minutes.
Thank you. I will sleep with it under my pillow.
Uh, just don't accidentally zap yourself.
Or me. I did it once, it wasn't pretty, so...
Uh, there's extra towels in the bathroom,
and me and my mom will both be downstairs if you need us,
so just call.
Brick, wait.
Could you, like, maybe stay the night with me?
Just as a friend.
I'm just... I'm still feeling kind of spooked.
Yeah. Whatever you need.
Thanks.
Actually, there is one more thing I need.
Would you possibly want to...
go to a Drew Barrymore book signing with me tomorrow night?
I just... I've admired her forever.
It's gonna be like a big deal for me,
and... I would love it if you could be there.
I mean, if you're free.
Sure. It's a date.
I was finally feeling lighter,
and it wasn't just because I got back down to my fighting weight.
I had made things right with Brick and Coralee.
But there was still one Armstrong to whom I owed an apology.
Okay. I got towels in the guest bathroom,
fresh sheets on the bed.
Is there anything else you need?
Not unless you can pay off the regionals board too.
Pay 'em off? What do you mean?
Look at me, I'm a mess.
There's no way I can win without Stella Rose coaching me.
I don't know how to talk, I don't know how to dress.
Stella Rose had me doing all that rodeo crap and…
We can help you.
- Really? - Wait, we?
I was thinking we could coach Roxy together.
No strobe lights, no go-go boys.
What do you think?
It had felt good to have Brick protecting me from my psycho ex-boyfriend,
but now, I had to be brave on my own.
Hi, Bob.
- Get out... or I'll call security. - No, wait.
Wait, wait, wait. Can we...? Can we talk?
About what?
About you ruining my reputation? Hmm?
About you destroying my family?
Or about you robbing me of any choice I had
in a very confusing,
very complicated, very personal matter?!
I'm... I'm... I'm sorry.
You know what? It's fine.
You've freed me
to work with a real beauty queen, who's a winner.
Wha...?
What do you mean?
I'm coaching Roxy.
Now leave.
Maybe it was crazy to think
that after everything I had done, Bob would just forgive me.
But from the moment I met him, I just knew we were connected.
I couldn't believe it was over.
This wasn't how it was supposed to end.
There you go.
Oh, babe!
Roxy and I came up with the most genius idea.
What do you think about Roxy as the face of CACA?
Your charity. The Center for Anal Cancer Awareness.
She needs a new platform.
Hello, Bob, what is wrong with you? This is a fantastic idea.
Patty came to see me at the office.
- Uh-oh. Well, how'd that go? - Not well.
I said some horrible things, things I knew would hurt her.
- Understandable. - No, I don't know.
Doesn't that make me just as bad as her?
If I could just snap and lash out like that,
then maybe I could understand why she…
Hang on. You're not thinking about forgiving her, are you?
No.
I don't know. We just...
went through a lot together.
So did Hitler and Mussolini, and look how that turned out.
Forget about Patty,
focus on Roxy.
Maybe Bob was right.
Maybe I had to mourn the loss of my relationship with Patty too.
I couldn't believe Bob had replaced me so quickly.
And with Roxy? My biggest rival?
She was already the perfect pageant girl, and now she had the perfect coach.
I'd never win regionals now.
Patty?
What are you doing here?
I'm staying here while my mom is out of town.
What the hell are you doing here?
Waiting for Coralee.
I came up with an amazing business plan for Tampazzle,
but she won't take my calls, so I used the key under the mat.
That's breaking and entering.
No, it's determination.
I want in on this tampon action, and I won't take no for an answer.
You're insane. Coralee will never go for it.
- You seduced Brick. You accused Bob… - Hey, hey, hey.
We all know what I did,
and I paid dearly for my sins.
But I wanna make it up to Coralee,
and the best way to do that is to help her.
I have contacts, I can find investors,
pull some strings, so to speak.
- Ew. - Plus, I have a ton of great ideas.
Yeah, you're a real font of inspiration.
Was it your idea to have Dixie fake being in a wheelchair?
Yes! Ergh!
And it would have worked too, if Dixie had a higher pain threshold.
We would have ruined your reputation and had the greatest comeback story ever.
Oh, adopted pageant girl miraculously learns to walk again.
Do you even know where she is? Do you care?
Of course I care!
But she drove away with my house, and now she won't return my calls,
so I'm looking out for number one.
Me.
You mean by lying, or hurting anyone who gets in your way?
Don't you get on your high horse with me, Patty Bladell.
You blew up Bob's life.
Oh, you done some terrible things to get what you want.
Seems to me like every time you try to do the right thing,
it bites you in the ass.
Face it, Patty.
Integrity is for pussies.
That's why I gave it up a long time ago. Winners win. Period.
Oh.
Oh, my God, write that down.
Oh, that is a great slogan!
Regina... get out of the house, or I'll call the cops.
Fine. But leave this for Coralee. It's my business plan.
Whatever, sure.
Oh, oh, tell her I tried out her prototype and it works great. You wanna see?
- Regina, no. Out. - A little peak?
- Now. - I showed you!
Can't unsee that.
Bye, Felicia.
Regina was crazy, but could she also be right?
Maybe integrity was for pussies.
I had done the right thing, like Drew would do,
and it had bit me in the ass.
Nonnie rejected me, Bob pushed me away.
All I had left was regionals, and I needed to win.
So, what would Regina Sinclair do?
She'd take Roxy out.
I couldn't kill her, of course, that would be crazy.
But if Roxy was the only thing standing in my way of winning regionals,
I had to make sure she didn't show up.
Maybe I was light-headed from not eating in days,
or delirious from the sweating and laxatives,
but my plan felt divinely inspired.
I would just borrow the Ween-Mobile, follow Roxy until she was alone,
lure her into the truck, drive her into the outskirts of town,
and leave her there until regionals were over.
And then I'd just let her go.
No harm, no foul.
I just had to figure out a way to disguise myself
so Roxy couldn't finger me once I set her free.
This is impressive work, Coralee.
I had no idea you had such a mind for business.
Well, my daddy ran his own business, as you know,
so I guess I just picked up a thing or two.
And this Tampazzle idea... you came up with it yourself?
Oh, absolutely.
I realized there was a hole in the marketplace,
and I had the perfect way to plug it.
They come in different sizes depending on how big…
Oh, there's really no need to go through all that.
Oh, okay.
Besides, I'm more interested in helping you make a name for yourself,
without Bob.
You're not the only one he humiliated.
I've spent a lot of time dealing with comments from clients about...
my son, the pansy.
But this...
this is a whole 'nother level.
Not to mention the fact that I signed the company over to Bob Barnard,
only to find out that he's a fudge-packing flame-thrower too.
Okay, you know what?
There's no reason for homophobic language.
You're defending him, after what he did to you?
Well, no. I just...
I'm not comfortable with those kinds of slurs.
You'd better cut that liberal snowflake talk
before I set you up on meetings with investors.
You know my client list.
Big Tobacco, Big Oil,
- the NRA, the KKK. - The KKK?
That's who you want to invest in Tampazzle?
They love tampons.
They're white.
Besides, they've been looking for a way to tap into the female market
to rehabilitate their image.
Uh, yeah, but it feels like
then I would be supporting their cause by proxy.
It feels like blood money.
Apropos, don't you think?
Uh, it's still one step too far.
Well, suit yourself.
But I do hope you've got a good divorce attorney,
because the only other way you're gonna get that seed money
is to take that brownie-banging son of mine for everything he's worth.
Here we go.
My dad is coming out of retirement
to represent Coralee in the divorce.
Oh.
I'm sorry.
I was married to her for 20 years.
I'm the father of her children, and this is how she's treating me.
- Well, she's hurting. - Yeah, so am I.
It's like a part of me died.
'Cause it did.
You've been grieving.
Look, hey.
You've been through denial...
you're going through anger, you're depressed.
This is good.
How do you figure?
Because, honey, what's next is hope.
Forgive me if I'm not convinced.
I'm going to the office to do some work,
clear my head.
Oh, God.
Whoo!
Oh! Bed, bed, bed, bed, bed, bed, bed, bed!
Ooh!
Something for Patty.
Okay.
"Dear Patty.
I love you.
I see the real you,
and I'm never letting you go.
Love, Christian."
Okay, well, wordsmith you ain't, young Christian.
Let's see.
Okay.
WWDBD?
Well...
Coralee, what...? What are you doing here?
I got a text message that there was an emergency.
- I didn't send it. - I did.
You left your phone while I was doing the dishes.
Well, aren't you two just a picture of domestic bliss.
- We need a mediation. - Then you should have called my attorney.
I don't mean a legal mediation, I mean a personal one.
There has to be a way to figure this out, find a way to be happy.
Well, that is easy for you to say.
You guys end up with everything,
and I... I get nothing.
I literally get nothing.
Okay, Bob, your name is on the house, it is on the car,
it is on the bank accounts.
I can't even pick up my theater tickets without you being there at will call.
So, you can have it all.
- What? - Just take it.
The house, the money,
whatever you want.
I want you, Bob.
That's what I want.
None of this means anything if you are not by my side.
Coralee.
I miss my husband.
I miss my wife so much.
I'm sorry, I should...
I shouldn't be here.
Bob. Bob, wait.
I love you too.
What?
- Both of you. - Bullshit!
Look, can't you just consider the possibility
that I can feel this for more than one person?
It's okay. It's okay. I'm gonna make it easy on you.
I started this...
and I'm gonna end it.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…
No.
It's okay.
It's okay? What's okay?
This.
I thought I'd be jealous.
You mean you're not?
No, I am.
Just not...
not the way you think.
I've wanted to do that for years.
Me too.
Well, then...
maybe more is possible...
than I thought.
This was either the best idea
or the worst idea of my life.
This was either the best idea or the worst idea of my life.
I had followed Roxy all night.
From the Barnards, to the tailor, to the gym.
And I figured this close to regionals, she'd be sweating it out till close.
Brick.
What's up?
Patty, where are you? The line for Drew Barrymore is huge,
and they're saying I can't save seats.
Shit, I completely forgot.
- She's saying she forgot. - Who are you talking to?
- Nonnie, she's here too. - Give me the phone.
What do you mean you forgot? It's Drew Barrymore.
I thought you were over her.
I lied.
I couldn't stop thinking about it after we talked, or you.
I'm sorry for what I said. Can our break be over now?
Totally. Save me a seat.
I wanted to meet Drew, but I wanted to win regionals more.
Hola.
Ah.
Wh?
What the f...?