Usually, when I looked into the mirror,
I could only focus on my flaws.
That my stomach wasn't flat enough, my thighs weren't thin enough.
My butt wasn't high enough.
But I finally had something else to focus on.
It made me feel invincible.
King Arthur had Excalibur and now, I had a crown.
I was going to be a queen and nothing could get in my way.
Oh, my God!
Whoa.
No way.
Ew!
What the eff?
What the eff? Wha...
Why the hell did you send out a picture of Dixie Sinclair's hoo-ha
to the entire school?
I didn't.
Oh, my God! It looks like it came from my phone.
How did you even get a picture of Dixie's...?
I didn't. I don't have one.
How would this even happen?
Where's your phone?
You're sure you had this with you the entire morning?
- Yes. - Somebody must have hacked your phone.
Who would hack Patty's phone?
Clearly someone who has naked pictures of Dixie Sinclair.
Don't look at me.
Dixie's on Teen Roulette.
There's at least 30 different guys who have pictures of her shenanigans.
Oh, gross. Doesn't that bother you?
- She's your girlfriend. - No, she's not.
She was just using me for my dong. So I ended it.
What? You guys are already over?
All I wanted to do was take her out to dinner,
but she didn't want to be seen with me in public.
Her loss. She's a moron.
You're smart and sweet and handsome.
Really?
Focus on the problem.
Who the hell would hack my phone and make it look like I...?
No! No, no, no, no, no, no!
It's an email from the Miss Magic Jesus Pageant Board.
They heard about the Dixie photos.
they're disqualifying me for cyber-bullying.
Well, that's one mystery solved.
Somebody's trying to sabotage you.
Dixie Sinclair.
No way. She's not smart enough to hack your phone.
Okay, so who else would...?
I got to talk to Bob.
I should go after her.
Or you could just stay here.
Why?
Did you mean what you said earlier?
That I'm...
smart and sweet and handsome?
Yeah.
Why?
Every morning, I put on my armor like a knight.
I readied myself for battle each day.
And since Patty had won the mother-daughter pageant,
I felt like I had slain my first dragon.
Now, I was ready to go on my very own grail quest for Patty
to win the Miss Magic Jesus crown and nothing could get in my way.
"Dear Bob. Patty gave me this.
I know you cheated.
I need time and space to think.
I'll call when I'm ready to talk. Coralee."
And suddenly, I had another dragon to slay.
Patty Bladell.
We regret to inform you, you have been blocked by this user.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Magnolia, wait up!
I still can't believe you don't want to drive to school together.
I've seen plenty of you this morning, thanks to Patty Bladell.
Don't judge me! Patty's a cyber-bully.
And you should be on my side, as my friend.
We are not friends. Just because my dad let you move into our house
because he felt bad for putting your mom in jail.
Okay, fine. Not friends, sisters.
We are not!
Stop climbing into my bed at night and spooning me. It's weird.
But I miss my mama and I can't sleep alone.
That's pathetic.
You're pathetic.
At least my boyfriend's not sleeping with some old slut!
Which old slut?
My mama.
So suck on that, mo-fo.
Hey.
Regina Sinclair?
You're disgusting.
- How'd you...? - Did you think I wouldn't find out?
Don't ever talk to me again.
Mag, Mag, Mag, I'm sorry.
Oh, God!
- Hey, Bob, I was just about to call you. - Care to explain this?
I, uh...
Coralee left me and it's all 'cause of you.
Why on God's green earth would you give this to Coralee?
- Were you trying to hurt me? - No. No, I was trying to hurt Coralee.
We really bonded in the mother-daughter pageant
and then she just totally blew me off.
Like I didn't matter at all.
It's exactly what my own mom does to me and she knew that.
Coralee knew that and that's what made it a million times worse.
I wanted her to feel as bad as I did,
but I didn't think about how it would affect you. I'm so sorry.
I was trying to help you and this is how you repay me.
This... This is not working.
Are you breaking up with me?
No, we cannot break up. We are not a couple!
- Are you still gonna coach me? - I don't... I don't know.
I need you.
I just got disqualified from Miss Magic Jesus for cyber-bullying.
- Somebody hacked my phone and... - You need to deal with that yourself.
I can't. I don't know how to do any of this pageant stuff without you.
You and I, we were in this together. We both needed a win.
Yeah, I just... I need to figure out my life first.
Dad?
- What are you doing here? - I needed to speak with Patty.
Maybe if you were a little less concerned with pageants, Mom wouldn't have left.
You want to tell me what happened?
When I asked her, she told me to talk to you.
Now is neither the time nor the place.
Yeah, right. Let me know when you can work me into your schedule.
It looked like I had hurt more than just Bob's marriage.
I had hurt Brick too.
Hey, Brick, I'm sorry.
For what?
I couldn't tell him I blew up his parents' marriage.
For... taking time away from you and your dad.
He and I have spent a lot of time together lately.
Yeah, don't worry about it. We don't spend any time together anyways.
- Really? - Yeah.
All he cares about are his pageant girls.
I thought maybe if I was a winner too, he might pay attention to me.
But I'm the number one wrestler in my division,
he hasn't been to one of my matches.
- That's horrible. - Yeah, I'm used to it.
But as long as we're apologizing, I'm sorry too...
for blowing you off when you asked me out.
- You remember that? - Yeah.
I've been thinking about it since you started working with my dad
and I feel really bad for how crappy I was to you.
Will you forgive me?
Cool, um... thanks.
Um... Oh!
And now that you're gay, or whatever,
I do community service at the LGBTQ Center.
- So if you ever want to come by... - Sorry.
Uh, gay?
Who said I was gay?
Um... everyone at school.
Do you know anything about this?
People are saying you and Dixie were together.
Like, sexually.
- What are you talking about? - I guess it makes sense.
Why else would you have pictures of her hoo-ha?
What?
People are saying you sent them out because you're jealous of her and Choi.
Oh, my God.
Hey, look on the bright side.
There's nothing wrong with being a lesbian.
People don't think you're a cyber-bully.
Well, the pageant board still does.
Ugh... This sucks.
First, you got bullied for being fat and now you're getting gay bashed.
Right, it's so stupid.
I'm not even gay and even if I was, who should care?
Um, your new girlfriend might.
I'm not gay.
Why would you think I was gay?
Didn't you say there's nothing wrong with being gay?
Yeah, for you.
Whatever. I have bigger problems.
I got disqualified from Miss Magic Jesus for sending out those Dixie pics,
which I didn't do.
Somebody must have hacked my phone. So, now my pageant future is toast.
I can help.
What? Why? Aren't I, like, your competition?
Are you kidding? It'd be amazing if you did win.
I am so over pageants and if someone else beat me,
maybe my dad would finally let me quit.
Sit with me at lunch and we'll figure everything out.
- Okay. - Yeah.
I was reading the paper when I heard a knock on the door. It was the police,
who asked me about my son.
Coralee still wasn't returning my calls.
But this was my first case since Patty, so I tried to focus.
So imagine my surprise
when I found out my son had been arrested for having drugs in his car.
I told you, they weren't mine.
I was holding them for Magnolia Barnard. She asked me to.
Magnolia Barnard is on drugs?
What's the charge? Possession, distribution?
Possession.
Mm-hmm. And his first offense?
He'll probably get community service and probation.
- It's all pretty straightforward. - See. Now, can I go to school?
Go. But I expect you home immediately afterwards.
I know you, right? I saw you talking to Patty this morning.
Yeah? I'm her pageant coach, I think.
Oh.
Well, say hi from me.
He's a real charmer, my son. With those eyes and that smile.
He is a very handsome boy.
He's a manipulative little shit!
I'm sorry?
He even talked the cops into believing that bullshit story
about Magnolia Barnard.
He's not holding, he's dealing.
He takes calls, runs errands at all hours of the night.
All kinds of weird kids coming over to our house for five minutes at a time.
I know the signs.
Why are you telling me all this?
Because I'm at the end of my rope and I think some jail time would do him good.
I want you to throw the case.
You want me to throw...?
That would be unethical. Why would you think that I...?
Because Coralee said you would.
You see, I'm an Angel donor at Coralee's service organization, Wombs.
And when she and I spoke, she told me
that you would do whatever it took to fix things.
And I did my research, your career is in the shitter.
It's not like you have a reputation to protect.
Coralee's subtext was loud and clear.
Wombs was important to her
and this was a way to show her that she was important to me.
Yes, it was unethical, but so was my infidelity
and I was desperate to win back Coralee.
Desperate enough to make a deal with the devil.
I am a victim!
Attention! I am a victim!
Patty Bladell is a cyber-bully!
Lesbian bitch fight!
No, no, no, no! It is not! It is just a regular bitch fight!
Dixie, get off me!
Patty! Over here.
Why are we sitting with Magnolia Barnard?
Because without Bob, I need her help.
Plus, Magnolia is awesome. She's pretty and smart and nice.
I know, it's annoying.
Hey.
- Make room for Patty and her girlfriend. - Friend, who's a girl.
That's what I said.
Dixie's the worst, right?
And she's living in my house. It's a total disastrophe.
Anyway, let's talk about your pageant issues.
What you have is an image problem.
You need to worry about the pageant board.
We have to get them thinking you're a good person,
someone who's deserving of the Miss Magic Jesus crown.
- So, how do we do that? - We need a multi-pronged approach.
First, we need to prove to them that you didn't send out that picture of Dixie.
Figure out who hacked your phone.
I could ask the guys in Computer Club for help.
Great idea.
In the meantime, we need to present you as some one who's kind, charitable.
The kind of person who never would've cyber-bullied in the first place.
Hmm... Do you have any philanthropy on your resume?
Because most of the main competitors for Miss Magic Jesus
have earned at least $5,000 for their respective charities.
Shit, really?
You should choose a cause that has something to do with your platform.
- Do you have one yet? - A platform? Yeah.
It's something about being fat and then not being fat.
Perfect. Awareness of eating and body dysmorphic disorders.
You can raise money for the Northern Georgia Eating Disorder Recovery Clinic.
- Oh, my God! You're really good at this. - Now, we just need an event.
- Bikini car wash? - Played out.
- Dog adoption? - Yawn.
Bikini dog wash?
- Bikini dog wash? - Bikini dog wash!
Bikini dog wash!
Bikinis for girls recovering from eating disorders...
- isn't that sort of...? - Let's do it. This weekend?
Amazing. Patty, you talk to the Computer Club about your phone.
I'll talk to Student Council about getting a permit for this dog wash.
- And Nonnie, can you make a flyer? - She'll totally do it. Right, Nonnie?
- Whatever you say. - Okay, perfect.
Okay, now that that's sorted, how are we gonna get the word out?
First things first, 'cause it's all about promotion.
Patty's losing her mind.
"Oh. Magnolia's so awesome.
Magnolia's so everything."
What's wrong?
Everything is always about Patty.
I'm such an idiot. I should have known you were gay.
Wait, what?
Everyone's saying you and Patty are a couple.
What the hell, Choi?
Did I seem gay when your tongue was in my mouth?
No, but whenever we're together, all you do is talk about her.
That is so not true.
It is true. And if you're into Patty, it's totally cool,
but please, just be honest.
I am not into Patty. I'm super annoyed at her.
Six months ago, Magnolia wouldn't give her the time of day.
I'm the one who was there when she ran out of Weight Watcher's points,
when she ate birthday cake out of the trash.
You sound jealous.
Seriously?
I just got out of a situation where I was more into someone than they were into me.
So, when you figure your shit out, let me know.
- Gentlemen. - What?
Oh, hi.
I need your help. Somebody hacked my phone and leaked those pictures of Dixie.
- I need you to figure out who. - Wait, what's in it for us?
Uh...
What do you want?
- A date. - With all of us.
Collectively. Three.
Gross. You can't just leverage me like that, it's wrong.
Okay. Hey, was it wrong when you showed your boobs to Donald Choi?
Yeah, it's a small town, people talk.
This was a bad idea.
Hey, mystery girl, maybe I can help you.
Oh, no. That burnout over there has no idea how to trace a hacker.
Loser, what's it like to have sex with a USB port?
Christian, how do you...?
I've traveled the world with my dad, spent most of my time in Internet cafes.
I met this guy in Brussels, he took me under his wing,
taught me all about the dark web.
So, you can help me?
For a price.
- You're just as bad as they are. - Not like that.
I need your help with something too.
I can trust you, right?
I'm in trouble.
Last Saturday night, I, uh, got arrested with drugs in my car.
My mom thinks I'm dealing, which I'm not.
And she wants my lawyer to throw the case,
because she thinks some jail time would do me good.
That sucks.
But I'm not sure how I can help you.
My lawyer is your pageant coach.
I need you to help me convince him to keep me out of jail.
You guys are close, right?
Not at the moment.
Besides, Bob would never throw a case. It's unethical.
Maybe you don't know him as well as you think.
He definitely agreed to do it. I heard my parents arguing about it.
So, can you talk to him for me?
I'm not sure he would listen.
Then I'm not sure if I can help you.
Christian was my only hope at getting back into Miss Magic Jesus.
So even if it was a long shot, I had to take my chances.
Christian, wait!
With a charge so small,
Christian was likely to get off with a slap on the wrist,
which would leave me in the doghouse with Coralee.
If I wanted Christian in jail, I'd have to bat Barnard's beehive.
Luckily, I had an ace up my sleeve.
Patty, what are you doing?
Look, Bob, I know you're mad at me, but I need your help.
La, la, la! No, no, no! I have no time. I'm on my way to a meeting.
Is it true you agreed to throw Christian's case for his mom?
Why is that any of your business?
Because Christian said he can help me figure out who hacked my phone,
but only if I convince you to keep him out of jail.
I am his attorney.
Obviously, I will do everything I can to defend him.
That's not what his mom said.
He overheard her saying that you agreed to throw the case.
I had to, because of you.
- Wait, what? - It's a favor for Coralee.
It's my best chance at getting her back after the stunt you pulled.
So, if you'll excuse me, I have to go swallow my pride and compromise my morals
because of your bad judgment.
Wait... Wait, so you're not gonna help me?
What about Miss Magic Jesus?
Maybe you should have thought of that before you decided to blow up my life.
Just so you know, Brick thinks you don't care about him.
Excuse me?
After you left the school, we talked.
He told me that all he wants is for you to pay attention to him
and you haven't even bothered to show up to one of his wrestling matches.
He said that?
I...
I got to go see him.
If there's one thing Coralee and I would agree on,
it's that Brick was more important. Barnard would have to wait.
- What in the hell are you doing? - My community service.
I got caught texting and driving, so they assigned me here.
I mean, that.
Oh, the director asked me to paint over the slurs.
I'm pretty sure he meant on the outside of the building.
I can't do anything right.
Honey, it's just paint.
No, I am a mess.
My girlfriend just broke up with me because I slept with someone else's mom.
Well, why'd you cheat? Were you not happy?
I don't know. I didn't really think about it.
Did she not make you laugh? Could you talk to her?
All I know is, I hurt her and I want to make it right.
Sweetie, sometimes you can't un-ring a bell.
I'm screwed. Bob hates me and if I don't figure out who hacked my phone,
I'm never gonna get into Miss Magic Jesus.
Relax. One thing at a time.
We'll work on your philanthropy and then we'll work on clearing your name.
All thanks to Magnolia Barnard's multi-pronged plan.
Is something wrong?
Uh...
At lunch... you just let Magnolia boss me around.
I'm your best friend, now you're just gonna up and ditch me
because Magnolia Barnard is so awesome.
No, Nonnie.
Look, no matter what happens, you're still my number one.
Good.
Because I think the flyer I made for you is also pretty freaking awesome.
Where'd you get all those pictures of girls in bikinis?
Uh, from a website, which I've never been to before.
God, I wish I looked that good in a bikini.
Have you seen yourself?
Yeah, I'm thinner.
I still have to lose 100 pounds before I'd even think about getting into a bikini.
Stop. Your body is banging.
I'm still not gonna put on a bikini in front of other people.
Uh, you kind of have to.
It's your event. It won't look good if you don't participate.
- This is a catastrophe. - It's not nuclear war.
I'll help you.
- Patty told you that? - Is it true?
You think I don't care about you?
What am I supposed to think?
You don't ask me anything about my life, my friends, school.
- I don't know what to ask. - You are proving my point.
Okay, yeah, we're nothing alike, but I'm still your son,
so you can't just... blow me off.
Oh, my God.
I'm doing it to you.
The same thing he did to me.
Who?
My own dad.
He wanted a wide receiver and instead he got Henry Higgins.
Higgins, is that like a baseball player, or...?
Lord, no! It is only the most iconic character...
Okay, look, it doesn't matter.
I'm sorry.
I never meant to make you feel the way I felt.
And I'm so proud of you and your accomplishments.
How can I make it up to you?
For starters, you can tell me what happened between you and mom.
Decades ago, before you were born,
I had an affair...
with my pageant-coaching mentor.
Your mom just found out about it and she needs some time to think.
Do you regret it?
One-million percent.
It was... It was a stupid, stupid mistake.
Did you love her?
I don't know. Maybe, but I loved your mother more.
Then why'd you cheat?
It was a certain time, it was a certain place.
Stella Rose and I had mutual interests, mutual goals.
Also, there was a lot of drink and she liked it rough
and wanted to try some stuff that your mama just wouldn't.
Stop! I did not want to know that.
You asked.
No, I was asking if you and mom thought you could work it out.
I am trying.
How?
The next time you talk to your mom, tell her I'm doing what she asked,
because I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get her back, okay?
Whatever, Dad.
Patty?
You okay?
You've been in there for a while.
Patty?
I'm...
I'm coming in.
Oh, my God! What's wrong?
I'm gross.
No, you're not, you're beautiful.
Mm-mm. I'm ugly.
On the outside and on the inside. I hurt Bob, I hurt you.
I forgive you.
Yeah, you shouldn't and he hasn't.
Patty, stop!
When you're mad at yourself about something,
- you always decide that you're fat. - I am fat.
I'm disgusting, and fat, and awful and I don't deserve to live.
Stop being mean to my best friend.
You're the most beautiful person I've ever met,
even before you got thin.
I don't see it.
Sometimes other people see things in you that you can't see for yourself.
Everyone thinks I'm gay.
Including Donald Choi, who I made out with.
Wait, you made out with Choi? You're not gay.
And besides, nobody knows you better than me.
If you were gay, I would know, trust me.
Trust me.
You look amazing in that bikini.
You should buy it.
I was willing to do whatever it took to win Coralee back,
even if it meant taking a meeting with Bob Boy Barbie Barnard.
Do you have to do that right now?
Sorry. When you said you were gonna be late,
I thought I could squeeze in a quick workout.
We need to talk about Christian Keene.
Don't need to spend time or money going to court, he's a first time offender.
I'm happy to settle for a nominal fine, probation.
Absolutely.
No reason to destroy two lives.
Who's the other one?
- Magnolia. - What are you talking about?
She's one of his clients.
There is no way that Magnolia is a drug user.
She's a straight-A student.
Well, have you noticed any changes in her behavior recently?
She has been saying that she's over doing pageants.
Classic sign.
Apathy, losing interest in something you used to love.
If Christian's selling drugs, he's a danger to all our kids.
He should be behind bars, I'm not settling.
He's going to jail.
Oh...
My client will be so disappointed.
You heard from Coralee?
What?
- Why? - Eh...
She called me.
Said she needed a place to stay while the two of you "figured things out."
- She called you? - Mm.
Is she staying at your house?
No.
Let's just say I have some real estate.
But she made me promise not to tell you where she is and I respect her.
Don't worry, she's safe.
Now that she has a real man looking out for her.
Where is she?
Easy, Bob.
Fuck you, Bob.
Coralee had the gall to ask me to compromise my ethics
after she had gone to the one person she knew I hated the most?
It felt like a kick in the nuts.
Forget throwing the case, Coralee would have to understand,
I couldn't abandon my pageant dreams.
If I wanted a chance at being a winner, I needed to find a way to help Patty.
You can wait in here. My dad should be home any minute.
Thanks.
Listen, I know you talked to my dad behind my back.
That's not cool.
I'm sorry.
I just thought it was so messed up, what you told me.
And you made things worse. He told me a bunch of inappropriate shit.
It was just the most uncomfortable conversation ever.
At least a bad conversation is better than no conversation.
I'm not trying to defend myself, I'm just saying I've never met my dad.
So at least you two were talking.
And I would give anything for one conversation with him,
even an uncomfortable one.
But that doesn't give me the right to get all up in your business and I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry... about your dad.
And I appreciate you sticking up for me like that.
I mean, you may have actually helped, so...
thank you.
Do you want me to sit with you while you wait?
Or I could get you a soda, or...?
Hey, Brick, Patty. I'm glad you're here.
I'll, uh, let you two get down to business.
I want to help you get back into Miss Magic Jesus.
So, you're not still mad at me?
I am. I'm just more mad at Coralee.
Why? What did she do?
It doesn't matter.
From now on, my personal life is off limits to you.
The point is, I want to win Christian's case.
Great. Then he'll help me figure out who hacked my phone.
Now that I'm planning my bikini dog wash, I'll look better to the board.
Your bikini what?
- Dog wash. - What? Is that even a thing?
It's a charity event to add to my pageant resume.
Why didn't you tell me I needed a philanthropy to win Miss Magic Jesus?
'Cause I was a little busy proving you weren't a murderer
and keeping you from ending up face down in a puddle of chocolate!
So, you'll win Christian's case?
I've said I wanted to.
The problem is, now Barnard knows Christian sold drugs to Magnolia.
He won't stop till Christian is behind bars.
But Christian said he wasn't dealing.
Can't you get Magnolia to testify he was just holding them for her?
No.
But you may have just figured out a way to keep Christian out of jail.
Why are you helping Patty Bladell with her stupid eating disorder fundraiser?
You are a horrible gremlin. Please leave.
That bikini makes you look fat.
Dixie, what part of...?
What the hell are these?
You can't search my room without a warrant.
I certainly can, as your father. Are you doing this to get back at me?
For what?
Forcing me to do pageants when I told you I was done?
Inviting a pocket-sized Satan to live in our house,
without considering for one second how that might affect me?
Or for not telling me that my boyfriend was cheating on me?
No, do not turn this around.
This is serious. You are screwing up your life.
Don't you mean I'm screwing up your reputation?
- This isn't about me. - Of course it is.
I am so tired of having to be perfect all the time.
I can't make a mistake, I can't get a bad grade.
I can't even leave my room without looking like I'm off to a fashion shoot.
I am so over being Magnolia Barnard.
All right. I understand.
It's hard having to keep up the Barnard image all the time.
And mom is away from home so much.
Come on, we got to be a team, huh?
Come on. Come here.
I'm here for you, Magnolia.
Okay? And I promise, we will win Miss Magic Jesus and Miss American Lady
and then we'll get you whatever help you need.
Hmm?
Who's that?
I got to go take care of this, sweetheart, but I'm glad we talked.
What's this about? You gonna try to beat me up again?
Oh, no, I am sorry about that.
And since you were kind enough to give me the heads up about Coralee,
I wanted to give you a heads up about Magnolia.
- Another one? - Mm-hm.
I've complied a short list of witnesses for Christian Keene's case
and I wanted to warn ya, Magnolia is on it.
Wait, what?
Well, Christian insists that he was holding drugs for her...
and that makes her the only person that can attest to the fact that
he didn't have any intent to distribute.
Now you said he sold her those drugs.
Do you really want her to say that from the stand?
I know how damaging that can be, what with Miss Magic Jesus coming up,
but some things are not preventable.
So, I just wanted to let you know,
'cause I know you would do the same thing for me.
Mm-hm.
What would you say to a nominal fine and community service?
What do you mean, you can't figure out who hacked Patty's phone?
That was your end of the deal!
I'm sorry, it's a sophisticated hack.
Whoever had it out for Patty is some kind of criminal mastermind.
Ugh. Bullshit, you played me.
Maybe you shouldn't have trusted a drug dealer.
I can't believe you.
You took advantage of me because you knew I liked you.
I didn't know...
until now.
Thanks for keeping me out of jail.
There has to be another way to figure out who hacked my phone.
Maybe there is. Christian is right.
There is at least one criminal who has it out for you.
Or, more accurately, for us.
Regina.
Now, she is no mastermind, but she is certainly in jail surrounded by a few.
I can call over there and see if Regina's in close proximity
to any tech-savvy criminals.
Oh, I like that. Oh, I like that a lot.
Wait, what are you...?
Hello?
It's for you.
Oh! I hope you don't mind, I gave my daughter this number.
- Hello. - Hi, Mama.
Hi, baby. How's everything going?
Not good.
Everyone's been talking about my wigwam.
Well, what did you think would happen?
Sending out that picture was your idea.
Yeah, to get Patty disqualified.
But I figured everyone would just think I'm a slut.
Now they think I'm a lesbian and that's way worse.
Oh, honey.
Everyone's a little gay.
Besides, you should be grateful.
It is a gift from God that my cellmate happens to be a cyber-terrorist
and she was able to hack into Patty's phone.
And you have no idea what she made me do for payment.
Sorry, baby. I got to run.
Four.
Five!
- Six. - Shelby!
Got you a visitor.
Done.
I pulled a favor with one of the ladies who works admin at the prison.
We swapped fashion tips for information.
Lo and behold, there was a cyber-terrorist in residence
who happened to be cellmates with none other than Regina Sinclair.
I'm Bob Armstrong.
I, uh... I'm pretty sure there's no touching allowed.
But Ramon likes to watch.
I've had my tired-of-bars and convicted- to-love profiles up for over a year
and I even hacked myself onto the front page of both,
and you're the first man to respond.
Actually, I'm an attorney.
Oh, well, good for you.
Ramon, get us in the mood.
Wait, what are you doing? Stop! Stop it!
You want to peel the banana yourself? That's even hotter.
No. No peeling!
I am here on business.
- This isn't a conjugal? - No.
I know you hacked my client's cell phone on behalf of Regina Sinclair.
It is only a matter of time before I have proof.
Well, good luck with that.
'Cause I'm a hacker, I always cover my tracks.
Shelby, I need your help.
Those photos have wreaked havoc on an innocent young girl's life.
I used to be young too.
And now I'm drying up like a prune.
I might be able to help with that.
That is, if you confess.
I can't confess.
I only got two weeks left on my sentence. I can't risk not getting out.
What if you pinned it on Regina Sinclair?
And then you'll give me what I want?
I wasn't sure I could go through with it.
But my pageant-coaching future was at stake.
So, I did what I had to do.
I look like a lady.
Give me your burner.
In both my legal and pageant careers, I'd never worked harder on a client,
but the results were spectacular.
Mmm...
Maybe don't smile. It's more mysterious.
Online dating is just like a pageant, you got to put your best face forward.
As soon as you upload that photo, I promise,
you are gonna have conjugals up the wazoo.
How'd you know I like it up there?
With Bob on the case of who hacked my phone,
I could turn my focus back to my dog wash.
Magnolia and her friends looked like they were having so much fun.
I can't imagine feeling that comfortable in my own skin.
Why aren't you in a bikini?
- Ladies! - Oh, this can't be good.
Y'all need to stay hydrated and protect yourselves
from those cancer-causing "Oove" rays.
Dixie, what are you doing here?
Oh, you know, letting bygones be bygones. Let me rub sunscreen on your back.
Dixie, you're here. I was hoping for a little better turnout.
You know what gets more attention than girls in bikinis?
Girls in bikinis rubbing oil on each other.
I mean, she's not wrong.
Are you sure we should, like, sexualize ourselves?
Yeah, it's for a good cause, girl.
Ladies, grab your sunscreen. We are going live! Whoo!
Yes!
Yes. Get all good and oiled up. You go, girl.
Patty, where's your suit?
This is your event. Get in on this, girl.
The camera adds ten pounds.
- I thought I can do this, I can't do this. - Yes, you can.
It's all in your head. Be brave.
Screw brave, I want to be thinner.
Oh my God! Brick is here, with the world's tiniest dog.
I can't let him see me in a bikini.
Excuse me. How much for a deluxe wash and a second chance?
Isn't that dog a little young?
I thought you were into older bitches.
Get out of my face.
Bye.
It's slobbering all over me!
Whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait.
No. No, down!
Ew! Stop it, get off!
Get off!
Oh, my God! It's like dogmageddon!
Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no.
Get off!
Wait. Come back. No.
SPF meat, bitches!
What happened?
That stupid tritch spiked our sunscreen with bacon grease.
Tritch.
Troll plus bitch, I like.
Screw this, I'm out!
Well, great.
Now my chances of winning Miss Magic Jesus have gone to shit.
- Anything I can do to help? - Wanna put on a bikini and wash 50 dogs?
Uh, no. But I do know some ladies who might.
One second.
You threw me under the bus, you cyber-slut.
I didn't hack Patty's phone, you did!
No! Stop it, I just got a makeover!
Oh, yeah, pretty lady? Yeah?
Who's pretty now? Bitch!
You like your little hair, Pretty Pony?
Oh, I'll show you pretty! I'll show you pretty!
Who are they?
How does Brick know them?
Where did they get their shoes?
I can't believe Brick did this.
Maybe he does deserve a second chance.
Patty? These are my friends from the LGBTQ Center.
They've been tweeting about it on the way over.
It's gonna be huge.
Brick, this is amazing. Thank you.
I got to admit, the Brick Armstrong I know,
does not hang out with LGBTQ people or help girls with eating disorders.
Maybe I misjudged you.
Yeah, well, Patty's cool and smart and a really good person, so...
Wait, you did this for Patty?
Yeah, it's her charity.
But I helped plan it.
I thought you did this for me, as, like, a grand gesture to win me back.
Seriously?
Patty is out here trying to help people and you're thinking of yourself.
Wow, if you think Patty's so cool, you can hang out with her.
I'm going home.
Ladies, let's get fur-ocious!
It was my event and I still felt left out.
It was a bikini dog wash
and I still couldn't bring myself to put on that bikini.
Hey.
Are you with the LGBTQ Center?
What gave it away?
When...?
When did you know you were someone who...
goes to the LGBTQ Center?
Uh...
I think I always knew, but I kept trying to convince myself
that it was just, like, regular 15-year-old girl stuff, you know.
Like, before I realized Heavenly Creatures is a gay movie.
- It is? - Yeah, dude.
Melanie Lynskey is in love with Kate Winslet.
And I was obsessed with my best friend.
Totally jealous when she got her first boyfriend,
but I didn't think that made me gay.
And then I saw her making out with a guy and I wanted to die.
That's when I knew.
I do that too.
I get stuck in the mirror, looking at my body,
wishing it were different.
You have an amazing body.
So do you.
I... I used to be fat.
I used to be a guy.
Shit, really?
Well, no. I mean, I've always been a girl, I just had the body of a guy.
I'm trans.
If anyone understands feeling uncomfortable in their own skin,
it's me.
I thought once I had my surgery, I'd feel better about myself.
I'm still not comfortable wearing a bathing suit.
I keep thinking there's gonna be a day where I feel female enough.
Yeah.
I think I'll feel thin enough when I lose another ten pounds.
I just... keep wishing I looked perfect.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm gonna spend the rest of my life
waiting for it to start.
Me too.
Maybe we don't have to.
I feel so...
Free.
No, I was gonna say totally self-conscious.
- Thank God, me too. - Okay.
- Baby steps. - Baby steps.
Patty.
Uh, hey, I'll catch up with you.
This is amazing. I'm proud of you.
Does that mean you forgive me?
It means I understand, yes.
Nobody's perfect. Not you, not me, not Coralee.
Believe me, you did a really messed up thing,
but also, you're trying to make things right.
Your heart's in the right place.
And I know you'd never hurt anyone on purpose.
Well, the homeless guy. And Coralee.
Don't make me change my mind.
Regina Sinclair hacked your phone, I got proof.
I alerted the Miss Magic Jesus Board. So you're back in.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
Dad!
I talked to Mom and she said whatever you were doing to fix things,
you screwed up, so, good job.
Yeah, maybe tell your mother, if she hadn't gone running to...
You know what? Never mind.
Your mother and I have a lot to work through.
It's best you don't get involved.
There's no reason to put you in the middle.
Bob, again, I'm truly sorry.
Just win Miss Magic Jesus, Miss American Lady
and then maybe we can both make all this worth the trouble.
Uh, hey, Brick.
You okay?
I mean, no, but yeah.
You saved my ass today. Thank you.
Thank you... for caring about me enough to talk with my dad.
So, maybe you could, like, take me out to coffee?
Say thank you for earlier, you know.
Like a date.
I get it. I'm thinner now, so you're suddenly interested.
No!
I mean, you... you look great, but I really like talking to you.
I've said more to you in the last few days than I've said to Magnolia in a year.
Which is weird for me, because usually, when I like talking to someone,
I don't also want to do this.
Yeah, I definitely want to do that too.