1 00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:42,644 Welcome to Noman, 2 00:00:42,677 --> 00:00:48,148 the island home of the once famous author, Harry March. 3 00:00:48,181 --> 00:00:51,285 Harry calls his island Noman 4 00:00:51,318 --> 00:00:54,121 so that if anyone ever asks him, 5 00:00:54,154 --> 00:00:56,356 "Noman, what's that?", 6 00:00:56,390 --> 00:01:01,194 he can simply answer, "Noman is an island." 7 00:01:01,228 --> 00:01:04,131 To date, no one has asked. 8 00:01:06,133 --> 00:01:08,268 Perched on the opposite shore 9 00:01:08,302 --> 00:01:11,673 is the 36,000 square foot castle 10 00:01:11,706 --> 00:01:15,142 belonging to the heard of but rarely seen, 11 00:01:15,175 --> 00:01:17,411 Mr. and Mrs. Lapham. 12 00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:36,731 And today, while the Laphams plan their housewarming party 13 00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:39,567 and big reveal of the prodigious facelift 14 00:01:39,601 --> 00:01:41,335 made to their castle, 15 00:01:41,368 --> 00:01:43,871 Harry March has plans of his own. 16 00:01:45,372 --> 00:01:47,307 Devious plans. 17 00:02:01,254 --> 00:02:02,690 Hector! 18 00:02:14,334 --> 00:02:16,403 God damn it, Hector! 19 00:02:16,436 --> 00:02:19,741 Hey, taketh not the Lord's name in vain. 20 00:02:22,610 --> 00:02:24,746 What happened, Harry? 21 00:02:24,779 --> 00:02:29,282 I rolled over on him when you guys woke me up. 22 00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:31,819 I didn't know he was in the bed and he bit me! 23 00:02:32,854 --> 00:02:34,822 You bite him back? 24 00:02:34,856 --> 00:02:37,925 Look, I'm sorry about all the banging this early, 25 00:02:37,959 --> 00:02:39,761 all right, he's pushing us. 26 00:02:39,794 --> 00:02:42,797 And what does Mr. Lapham require today? 27 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,866 The usual Harry, everything. 28 00:02:44,899 --> 00:02:47,602 You know, ten months is no time for a job this big 29 00:02:47,635 --> 00:02:49,804 and to top it all off, he's having a party now. 30 00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,304 Ten months? 31 00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:54,207 Has it only been ten months? 32 00:02:56,978 --> 00:03:00,682 Morning, Hector. Your master's in a pissy mood this morning. 33 00:03:00,715 --> 00:03:03,250 The Lord God is my master. 34 00:03:08,890 --> 00:03:11,224 How goes the erection? 35 00:03:11,258 --> 00:03:14,896 He wants another floor. Four floors. 36 00:03:14,929 --> 00:03:19,934 Yeah, well that's because no one else has more than three. 37 00:03:19,967 --> 00:03:23,871 So what do we have so far? 38 00:03:23,905 --> 00:03:26,574 A state of the art kitchen, 39 00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:29,376 a state of the art movie theater, 40 00:03:29,409 --> 00:03:30,778 a state of the art toilet? 41 00:03:30,812 --> 00:03:32,947 Twenty-six toilets, Harry. 42 00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:35,683 - Are they all in bathrooms? 43 00:03:35,717 --> 00:03:38,019 A sun deck, a moon deck, 44 00:03:38,052 --> 00:03:42,289 a hot tub, a cold tub, a pool to die for. 45 00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:46,293 You'll write a novel about it one day, Harry. 46 00:03:46,326 --> 00:03:49,597 There's an idea. Do some writing for a change. 47 00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:51,298 Be quiet. 48 00:03:51,331 --> 00:03:52,934 I am quiet. 49 00:04:02,877 --> 00:04:06,814 Hombres, good news. I just called ICE. 50 00:04:06,848 --> 00:04:10,450 - Har-- - Soon, you're gonna be able to ditch your girlfriends 51 00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:13,921 and go home to your wives and their mothers. 52 00:04:15,957 --> 00:04:18,391 Señor, señor, moment, moment. 53 00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,595 The men, we're betting on, how old you are. 54 00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:22,597 How old are you? Come on. 55 00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:25,365 One hundred and twelve. 56 00:04:25,398 --> 00:04:27,367 One hundred and twelve? 57 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:30,004 Miguel, Miguel, you win, 112. 58 00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:33,674 Hey, just get back to work, break's over. 59 00:04:33,708 --> 00:04:36,376 Listen, Harry, I'm glad to have the work, okay, 60 00:04:36,409 --> 00:04:39,881 but what the guy wants with 180,000 square feet, I don't know. 61 00:04:41,783 --> 00:04:44,752 I didn't make the world, I barely live in it. 62 00:04:47,989 --> 00:04:49,824 Oscar Levant, Humoresque? 63 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:55,763 Your son, Kevin, is the only person around here 64 00:04:55,797 --> 00:04:57,932 who knows anything about the past. 65 00:04:57,965 --> 00:05:00,067 Except for you, Mr. Dead. 66 00:05:00,101 --> 00:05:03,370 So when's he cutting down the trees and ruining my view? 67 00:05:04,105 --> 00:05:05,840 Well, that's next week. 68 00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:10,645 Mr. March, how did Mr. Lapham make his money anyways? 69 00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:12,479 Jack. 70 00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:14,916 Asparagus tongs. 71 00:05:17,051 --> 00:05:20,888 His great grandfather invented the asparagus tongs. 72 00:05:20,922 --> 00:05:23,524 Then, he branched out. 73 00:05:23,558 --> 00:05:27,028 He made nutcrackers, he made lobster crackers, 74 00:05:27,061 --> 00:05:30,898 grape scissors, little spoons for escargot. 75 00:05:30,932 --> 00:05:34,001 His family makes a fortune from grasping. 76 00:05:35,937 --> 00:05:37,404 Does he work? 77 00:05:37,437 --> 00:05:40,074 He blogs. He writes aphorism. 78 00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:45,012 Lapham's aphoms, drops one off every day for my crew. 79 00:05:45,046 --> 00:05:47,447 Listen to this one. 80 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:51,719 "He does not promote himself will not be promoted." 81 00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:52,920 No shit. 82 00:05:52,954 --> 00:05:55,422 I like yesterday's better. 83 00:05:55,455 --> 00:05:56,958 "More is more." 84 00:05:56,991 --> 00:05:59,492 I memorized that one, Harry. 85 00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:02,964 Ooh, that's a good one. 86 00:06:02,997 --> 00:06:04,464 Hang in there, Harry. 87 00:06:04,497 --> 00:06:06,901 The end is near. 88 00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:09,837 As if I needed reminding. 89 00:06:11,672 --> 00:06:14,075 Harry March, the last and the least 90 00:06:14,108 --> 00:06:16,644 of three generations of Marches 91 00:06:16,677 --> 00:06:20,081 who have lived year round on the once tranquil island 92 00:06:20,114 --> 00:06:23,517 in a once tranquil quogue. 93 00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:25,887 Marches of the past reared strong 94 00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:28,421 and handsome families in this house, 95 00:06:28,455 --> 00:06:30,791 which was strong and handsome once 96 00:06:30,825 --> 00:06:32,960 as was its current resident. 97 00:07:02,123 --> 00:07:04,725 Why are you going to Chautauqua again? 98 00:07:04,759 --> 00:07:06,560 I'm giving a lecture. 99 00:07:06,594 --> 00:07:09,697 I don't want to, but I already took their money. 100 00:07:09,730 --> 00:07:12,600 Yippy, upstate New York. 101 00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:14,869 Why do people give lectures anyway? 102 00:07:14,902 --> 00:07:17,138 To hear themselves talk. 103 00:07:17,171 --> 00:07:19,573 I forgot, what is this lecture about? 104 00:07:19,607 --> 00:07:22,076 It's on the meaning of the 20th century. 105 00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:24,578 I'm glad I didn't wait till the last minute. 106 00:07:24,612 --> 00:07:27,214 - Can I hear it? - Sure. 107 00:07:27,248 --> 00:07:31,552 The 20th century, 100 years of progress. 108 00:07:31,585 --> 00:07:33,087 In early America, 109 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:35,256 money alone couldn't buy a social position. 110 00:07:35,289 --> 00:07:37,925 Today, nobody cares. That's my lecture. 111 00:07:37,959 --> 00:07:41,162 You've been a wonderful audience. I'm here till doomsday. 112 00:07:41,195 --> 00:07:44,565 Hey, isn't it about time for one of your daily naps? 113 00:07:44,598 --> 00:07:46,167 Ah, you're such a cliché. 114 00:07:46,200 --> 00:07:49,236 I'm a cliché? What do you call a talking dog? 115 00:07:49,270 --> 00:07:50,972 Bite me. 116 00:07:51,005 --> 00:07:53,607 Don't tempt me. 117 00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:01,916 Harry had just one more item 118 00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:06,020 and his furtive masterpiece was all but complete. 119 00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:10,691 Harry loathed the mainland, 120 00:08:10,725 --> 00:08:14,662 the people, the exercise, the whole experience. 121 00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:16,797 He did all he could to avoid it. 122 00:08:16,831 --> 00:08:20,001 But today, Harry had a reason. 123 00:08:20,034 --> 00:08:22,069 It was a necessary disruption 124 00:08:22,103 --> 00:08:26,273 to the usual isolation and quiet that he cherished. 125 00:08:26,307 --> 00:08:30,611 Harry March was a man on a mission. 126 00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:33,180 So tell me about Southampton. 127 00:08:33,214 --> 00:08:35,916 Noise and gossip. 128 00:08:35,950 --> 00:08:38,319 And West Hampton? 129 00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:41,022 Noise and gossip and dentists. 130 00:08:41,055 --> 00:08:42,723 So what about East Hampton? 131 00:08:42,757 --> 00:08:44,258 - Noise and gossip. - That's it? 132 00:08:44,291 --> 00:08:47,561 Mr. March! Mr. March! 133 00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:49,897 Skippy Brewster from the club. 134 00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:51,932 Ah, yes, the club. 135 00:08:51,966 --> 00:08:53,734 We'd love for you to join, Mr. March. 136 00:08:53,768 --> 00:08:55,603 You know the door's always open for you. 137 00:08:55,636 --> 00:08:57,671 My gerulaitis, it's a killer. 138 00:08:57,705 --> 00:08:59,974 Oh, well, uh, we're forming a committee 139 00:09:00,007 --> 00:09:04,045 to stop the Shinnecocks from opening a casino down there in Southampton. 140 00:09:04,078 --> 00:09:08,115 We're calling it the citizens opposing the casino or COC. 141 00:09:09,784 --> 00:09:10,918 COC? 142 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:15,589 We'd like to have you sign a petition, Mr. March. 143 00:09:15,623 --> 00:09:16,791 You can count on me. 144 00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:18,659 Great, you know they're really awful. 145 00:09:18,692 --> 00:09:21,929 They claim they own the land around here, they always do. 146 00:09:23,264 --> 00:09:25,199 Quite frankly, Mr. March, 147 00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:26,867 I don't think they're real Indians. 148 00:09:26,901 --> 00:09:29,103 I think they're something worse. 149 00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:33,641 Worse than Indians? You mean Mexicans and Muslims? 150 00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:36,077 Nice to know you're with us, Mr. March. 151 00:09:36,110 --> 00:09:37,945 Ahoy. 152 00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:40,614 Asshole. 153 00:09:40,648 --> 00:09:42,683 What do Hamptonites do in the daytime? 154 00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:44,985 They speak of their careers. 155 00:09:45,019 --> 00:09:46,153 Why do they do that? 156 00:09:46,187 --> 00:09:47,922 Makes them happy. 157 00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:50,291 Sometimes they even advance their careers 158 00:09:50,324 --> 00:09:52,359 by speaking to other Hamptonites. 159 00:09:52,393 --> 00:09:53,727 That's why they live here. 160 00:09:53,761 --> 00:09:55,262 Oh, that's nice. 161 00:09:55,296 --> 00:09:57,064 It's not nice. 162 00:09:57,098 --> 00:10:00,134 None of this is nice. 163 00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:02,169 But isn't a career important? 164 00:10:02,203 --> 00:10:05,673 Not when it interferes with a life. 165 00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:08,142 What else do Hamptonites do in the daytime? 166 00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:11,145 - They make themselves beautiful. - - And what else? 167 00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:14,849 They prepare to attend parties or throw parties. 168 00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:16,083 And what else? 169 00:10:16,117 --> 00:10:18,285 They dream up great works. 170 00:10:18,319 --> 00:10:19,887 What becomes of them? 171 00:10:19,920 --> 00:10:21,255 Nothing. 172 00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:22,990 And what else? 173 00:10:23,023 --> 00:10:25,860 They hope other Hamptonites are thinking of them. 174 00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:27,795 They hope everyone is thinking well of them. 175 00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:29,430 And are they? 176 00:10:29,463 --> 00:10:31,165 No and no. 177 00:10:31,198 --> 00:10:33,767 Are there any poor people in the Hamptons? 178 00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:36,170 Yes, but they're not allowed out. 179 00:10:36,203 --> 00:10:38,839 What about Kevin? Is he rich, too? 180 00:10:38,873 --> 00:10:41,709 Kevin? No Kevin works for a living. 181 00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:43,944 Like you? Tell me. 182 00:10:51,352 --> 00:10:53,287 So? 183 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:55,956 Don't worry about the Hamptons. 184 00:10:55,990 --> 00:10:58,092 They're all the same. 185 00:10:58,125 --> 00:11:01,428 The same shops, the same roads, 186 00:11:01,462 --> 00:11:04,798 the same geraniums in the same pots, 187 00:11:04,832 --> 00:11:09,770 - same sub-zero refrigerators and wolf stoves... - - Uh-huh. 188 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,039 ...same shellacked faces... 189 00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:13,207 Yeah. 190 00:11:13,240 --> 00:11:16,076 ...same opinions on the same issues, 191 00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:17,945 same hummus on the same chips. 192 00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:20,247 Oh no, no, not another lecture. 193 00:11:20,281 --> 00:11:23,184 Can't you just save it for the Chappaquiddicks? 194 00:11:23,217 --> 00:11:26,253 You brought up the subject so you get the subject. 195 00:11:26,287 --> 00:11:28,956 I was only trying to pass the time pleasantly 196 00:11:28,989 --> 00:11:30,391 on a summer's day. 197 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:34,995 The Hamptons are all the same 198 00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:39,900 and all the world wants what the Hamptons have 199 00:11:39,934 --> 00:11:44,205 so that it too can have everything and be empty at the core. 200 00:11:44,238 --> 00:11:47,341 And you know who embodies and symbolizes, 201 00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:52,079 generates and perpetuates this universal vacuity? 202 00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:54,949 I do, but you're going to tell me anyway, aren't you? 203 00:11:54,982 --> 00:11:57,851 Correct, Lapham. 204 00:12:00,054 --> 00:12:02,856 No, you're kidding. 205 00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:04,959 You're very annoying, you know? 206 00:12:04,992 --> 00:12:08,229 We're both very annoying. That's why we're friends. 207 00:12:08,262 --> 00:12:09,997 Are we friends? 208 00:12:10,030 --> 00:12:11,865 Of course, we're friends. 209 00:12:16,337 --> 00:12:19,373 You have a package for Harry March? 210 00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:20,874 You order the horse hair? 211 00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:21,976 Yes, do you have it? 212 00:12:22,009 --> 00:12:24,011 I've got it, all right. 213 00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:33,387 Mind if I ask what you're going to do with horse hair? 214 00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:35,055 I'm building a horse. 215 00:12:51,839 --> 00:12:55,042 Hey Harry, it's Kathy time. 216 00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:56,477 Kathy time. 217 00:13:01,282 --> 00:13:02,783 Kathy time. 218 00:13:03,618 --> 00:13:06,086 It's Kathy time! 219 00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:09,957 At this moment in the Hamptons, 220 00:13:09,990 --> 00:13:12,092 not a single nail is nailed. 221 00:13:12,126 --> 00:13:15,095 No one gives kudos or draws raves. 222 00:13:15,129 --> 00:13:17,264 No one plans a benefit dinner. 223 00:13:17,298 --> 00:13:20,134 Nothing makes a sound. 224 00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:23,237 The universe lies in respectful silence 225 00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:27,374 as sex and commerce find their apogee 226 00:13:27,408 --> 00:13:30,911 in Kathy Polite's morning swim. 227 00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:34,081 Morning, Miss Polite. 228 00:13:34,114 --> 00:13:39,253 That's Polite, as you perfectly well know, Wrinkles. 229 00:13:39,286 --> 00:13:40,921 I apologize. 230 00:13:40,954 --> 00:13:42,557 I was just trying to be polite. 231 00:13:42,590 --> 00:13:45,926 Huh, you're terrible, Harry. 232 00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:49,096 I don't know why I bother to pedal over to you. 233 00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:53,867 I'll never sell you anything, you old skin flint. 234 00:13:53,901 --> 00:13:57,304 Why do all the men around here stop whatever they're doing every morning 235 00:13:57,338 --> 00:13:59,006 to watch Miss Polite? 236 00:13:59,039 --> 00:14:00,407 What's it called? 237 00:14:00,441 --> 00:14:04,011 Skinny dipping. 238 00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:07,314 That's how she advertises her real estate business? 239 00:14:07,348 --> 00:14:10,184 It's more cost effective than sending out brochures. 240 00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:12,620 Is this what they call an open house? 241 00:14:12,654 --> 00:14:14,488 In a way. 242 00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:22,229 It draws a lot of attention, this skinny dipping. Why don't I get it? 243 00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:26,333 We took care of that a long time ago. 244 00:14:27,301 --> 00:14:28,603 Hi boys. 245 00:14:28,636 --> 00:14:31,205 Hi. 246 00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:35,610 Harry, you need some new clothes. 247 00:14:35,643 --> 00:14:39,079 And... you do not. 248 00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:44,118 Why don't you join me today, Wrinkles? 249 00:14:44,151 --> 00:14:47,488 Well, I haven't got the time. I gotta go wash my duck. 250 00:14:47,522 --> 00:14:50,891 - You're what? - Oh, I'm shocked. 251 00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:53,961 What's wrong with your ear, Harry? 252 00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:56,296 Did you pull a Van Gogh? 253 00:14:56,330 --> 00:15:01,034 Yeah, buttercup, I cut it off as a passionate gesture of love for you. 254 00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:03,270 Actually, I was trying to cut my throat. 255 00:15:03,303 --> 00:15:06,106 Not if I get there first. 256 00:15:06,140 --> 00:15:07,374 Mmmm. 257 00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:14,948 You ought to unload this place, Harry. 258 00:15:14,982 --> 00:15:16,950 Why don't you get back to work? 259 00:15:16,984 --> 00:15:19,420 You really oughta sell, you know? 260 00:15:19,453 --> 00:15:24,358 You may be worthless but this island, what do you call it? 261 00:15:24,391 --> 00:15:26,293 - Noman. - That's right. 262 00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:30,297 So if anyone ever asks, has anyone ever asked yet? 263 00:15:31,666 --> 00:15:34,334 Don't forget the bottoms, honey. 264 00:15:34,368 --> 00:15:39,139 Oh really, Harry, your family's been here, what, 265 00:15:39,173 --> 00:15:41,475 since the Puritans? 266 00:15:41,509 --> 00:15:44,445 Don't you think it's time for a change? 267 00:15:44,478 --> 00:15:46,681 Spread your wings, Wrinkles. 268 00:15:46,714 --> 00:15:49,551 You should be more ambitious like Mr. Lapham. 269 00:15:49,584 --> 00:15:51,151 Have you met him? 270 00:15:52,554 --> 00:15:55,757 As yet, I've not had the honor of his acquaintance, 271 00:15:55,790 --> 00:15:58,593 but I'm very pleased to say that that situation 272 00:15:58,626 --> 00:16:02,162 will be remedied this evening at his party. 273 00:16:02,196 --> 00:16:03,464 Are you invited? 274 00:16:03,497 --> 00:16:05,567 No. 275 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,168 Well I shall shake his hand warmly and say, 276 00:16:08,202 --> 00:16:10,337 "It is people like you, sir, 277 00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:13,307 who make the Hamptons the Hamptons." 278 00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:16,210 You said it. 279 00:16:16,243 --> 00:16:18,045 I love the Hamptons. 280 00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:21,616 Me too, sometimes, 281 00:16:21,649 --> 00:16:24,719 and this is about to be one of those times 282 00:16:26,688 --> 00:16:29,557 Mmm mmm, there you go, honey. 283 00:16:46,708 --> 00:16:48,543 9.9! 284 00:16:52,179 --> 00:16:53,815 All right, fellas, go back to work, come on. 285 00:17:31,686 --> 00:17:33,320 Let's give it a go. 286 00:17:34,589 --> 00:17:36,323 Okay, let's try. 287 00:17:42,630 --> 00:17:44,131 Ready? 288 00:17:44,666 --> 00:17:46,734 Uno, 289 00:17:46,768 --> 00:17:48,268 dos, 290 00:17:48,302 --> 00:17:50,137 tres! 291 00:18:09,557 --> 00:18:10,558 Jose! 292 00:18:18,298 --> 00:18:20,602 Stop! Stop! 293 00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:25,506 Praise the Lord, it's the rapture! 294 00:18:27,341 --> 00:18:29,376 Stop! 295 00:18:30,845 --> 00:18:33,213 Harry, sorry, I meant to warn ya. 296 00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:35,482 Sorry Harry, but we have to give it a test. 297 00:18:35,516 --> 00:18:36,718 What is that thing? 298 00:18:36,751 --> 00:18:38,553 It's a Tillis Blowhard. 299 00:18:38,586 --> 00:18:41,221 It's the most powerful air conditioner ever built. 300 00:18:41,254 --> 00:18:42,924 A Telis what? 301 00:18:42,957 --> 00:18:46,661 Tillis, Harry, Tillis, rhymes with Phyllis. 302 00:18:46,694 --> 00:18:51,799 Well, why the fuck does it have to be so loud? 303 00:18:51,833 --> 00:18:54,669 The power, it not only cools the house, 304 00:18:54,702 --> 00:18:56,470 it cools the whole property too. 305 00:18:56,504 --> 00:19:00,642 It's brand new, Mr. Lapham has the first one in the whole world. 306 00:19:00,675 --> 00:19:02,844 What do you mean it cools the whole property? 307 00:19:02,877 --> 00:19:05,613 You mean it cools the air outside the house? 308 00:19:05,647 --> 00:19:07,849 Exactly, the thermostat is so sensitive 309 00:19:07,882 --> 00:19:10,718 that whenever the temperature around Lapham's house 310 00:19:10,752 --> 00:19:13,286 rises by even a degree over 65, 311 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:15,890 it pumps cold air through the blower 312 00:19:15,923 --> 00:19:17,725 with the force of a hurricane. 313 00:19:17,759 --> 00:19:19,727 I've never seen anything like it, Harry. 314 00:19:19,761 --> 00:19:21,763 The whole enchilada. 315 00:19:21,796 --> 00:19:25,432 Did you really just say that? 316 00:19:25,465 --> 00:19:28,636 He's amazing. You know, the more he has, the more he wants, 317 00:19:28,670 --> 00:19:32,674 a bowling alley, a chapel, a bomb shelter, 318 00:19:32,707 --> 00:19:34,509 more is more, Harry. 319 00:19:48,288 --> 00:19:51,258 The biggest house with the biggest everything 320 00:19:51,291 --> 00:19:52,894 now also has a contraption 321 00:19:52,927 --> 00:19:55,697 that alters the very air we breathe, 322 00:19:55,730 --> 00:19:57,532 or Lapham breathes. 323 00:19:57,565 --> 00:19:59,667 Now do you get it? 324 00:19:59,701 --> 00:20:03,604 An outdoor air conditioner, hm, sounds cool to me. 325 00:20:04,972 --> 00:20:08,341 What I am telling you, my holy rolling friend, 326 00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:10,678 is the force that nearly deafened you 327 00:20:10,712 --> 00:20:14,247 is the force that's destroying the 21st century. 328 00:20:14,281 --> 00:20:15,983 You're just anti-conservative. 329 00:20:16,017 --> 00:20:18,452 People in the Hamptons hate conservatives, 330 00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:20,855 but everybody will be conservative eventually. 331 00:20:20,888 --> 00:20:22,790 That's what I think. 332 00:20:22,824 --> 00:20:24,692 Well, don't waste that wisdom on me. 333 00:20:24,726 --> 00:20:28,328 Be a true evangelical, go door to door. 334 00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:30,832 In the same house? 335 00:20:30,865 --> 00:20:34,267 - But why can't we have both? - Both what? 336 00:20:34,301 --> 00:20:37,437 Why can't we have riches on Earth and riches in paradise? 337 00:20:37,471 --> 00:20:39,841 I say aim for the skies. 338 00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:46,681 That's the plan, my friend. 339 00:20:46,714 --> 00:20:49,650 And that is my cue. 340 00:21:13,674 --> 00:21:18,780 Oh, Chautauquans, if only I could preach to you now, 341 00:21:18,813 --> 00:21:21,481 I would tell you to repent. 342 00:21:21,516 --> 00:21:23,684 I would urge you to acknowledge 343 00:21:23,718 --> 00:21:28,790 that your most valuable property is not real estate, 344 00:21:28,823 --> 00:21:31,025 it is imagined estate, 345 00:21:31,058 --> 00:21:35,295 which is not now and never was for sale. 346 00:21:53,848 --> 00:21:58,418 Dear progeny, thank you for your messages. 347 00:21:58,451 --> 00:22:01,656 I can assure you there is no cause for alarm. 348 00:22:01,689 --> 00:22:05,392 Please calm your mother as well if that is possible. 349 00:22:05,425 --> 00:22:07,128 It will please your all to learn 350 00:22:07,161 --> 00:22:10,031 that I'm coming to the end of a new undertaking 351 00:22:10,064 --> 00:22:13,067 that will not only gratify me personally, 352 00:22:13,100 --> 00:22:15,503 but when viewed in the proper light 353 00:22:15,536 --> 00:22:18,873 will also save much of civilization 354 00:22:18,906 --> 00:22:21,676 now and for years to come. 355 00:22:21,709 --> 00:22:23,911 Love, Dad. 356 00:22:23,945 --> 00:22:26,080 That should delay everyone's fears. 357 00:22:29,550 --> 00:22:31,384 I miss Chloe. 358 00:22:31,418 --> 00:22:32,920 You hated her and she hated you. 359 00:22:32,954 --> 00:22:34,522 She adored me. 360 00:22:34,555 --> 00:22:36,824 With Chloe, we had a little life around here. 361 00:22:36,858 --> 00:22:38,926 A little too much from my tastes. 362 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,862 So why did you marry her? 363 00:22:40,895 --> 00:22:44,899 Because she had a lovely soul, still does. 364 00:22:44,932 --> 00:22:47,467 Then why did she marry you? 365 00:22:53,708 --> 00:22:55,877 - I don't feel so good. - - You're fine, you're fine. 366 00:22:55,910 --> 00:22:57,879 You've just got the vapors 'cause you don't want to go. 367 00:22:57,912 --> 00:22:59,914 - I don't want to go. - That's right. Well, guess what? 368 00:22:59,947 --> 00:23:01,616 Get over it 'cause you're going and that's that. 369 00:23:01,649 --> 00:23:03,117 Oh. 370 00:23:03,150 --> 00:23:05,887 Once we get there, please, don't just act like a zombie. 371 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:08,022 I mean most of these people are perfectly nice. 372 00:23:08,055 --> 00:23:10,758 If you spent more time with real human beings 373 00:23:10,791 --> 00:23:13,426 than with that dog, this stuff wouldn't get under your skin. 374 00:23:13,460 --> 00:23:16,463 - I hate the Bitterman's, I hate the club. - You hate everybody. 375 00:23:16,496 --> 00:23:19,499 Every year, it's the same party, the same people, 376 00:23:19,533 --> 00:23:23,838 the same food, paella and beef tornadoes. 377 00:23:23,871 --> 00:23:26,473 - Tournedos. - Well, they taste like tornadoes. 378 00:23:26,507 --> 00:23:30,477 Hey, surf and turf, everybody, surf and turf. 379 00:23:30,511 --> 00:23:31,478 Just mingle. 380 00:23:31,512 --> 00:23:32,880 Just mingle? 381 00:23:52,099 --> 00:23:53,801 I told you I can't afford it. 382 00:23:53,834 --> 00:23:56,037 Okay, you've got ten SUNY schools and you got LIU. 383 00:23:56,070 --> 00:23:58,639 Yeah, but they're not NYU though. 384 00:23:58,673 --> 00:24:01,575 Jack, I can't afford it. I... 385 00:24:53,661 --> 00:24:56,964 Good morning, Dr. J, wish me luck. 386 00:24:56,998 --> 00:24:58,733 How can you live this way? 387 00:24:58,766 --> 00:25:01,168 A library consisting of just one book? 388 00:25:01,202 --> 00:25:03,637 If I had one book in my library, 389 00:25:03,671 --> 00:25:05,873 it wouldn't be Samuel Johnson, I'll tell you that. 390 00:25:05,906 --> 00:25:09,043 It would be the Good Book. 391 00:25:09,076 --> 00:25:11,579 The Vanity of Human Wishes is all I need. 392 00:25:11,612 --> 00:25:13,547 Dr. Johnson was always right. 393 00:25:13,581 --> 00:25:16,250 Yes, yes, I wouldn't know about that, I've never read him. 394 00:25:16,283 --> 00:25:18,719 You've never read anything. 395 00:25:18,753 --> 00:25:20,821 What kind of doctor was he anyways? 396 00:25:20,855 --> 00:25:23,791 He was a veterinarian and he gave dogs shots, 397 00:25:23,824 --> 00:25:25,292 very painful shots. 398 00:25:25,326 --> 00:25:27,261 Ay, and tell me again, 399 00:25:27,294 --> 00:25:29,697 what exactly is so great about him? 400 00:25:31,232 --> 00:25:32,600 Reason. 401 00:25:33,901 --> 00:25:37,004 Not romanticism, reason. 402 00:25:37,038 --> 00:25:39,840 Romantics ruin the world. 403 00:25:39,874 --> 00:25:42,877 Reason, honor, principle. 404 00:25:42,910 --> 00:25:45,079 And where do honor and principle 405 00:25:45,112 --> 00:25:47,014 and reason get you? 406 00:25:47,048 --> 00:25:50,117 Look at this place. You're rich enough to live like a king. 407 00:25:50,151 --> 00:25:54,121 That novel about the college, a huge bestseller. 408 00:25:54,155 --> 00:25:56,357 - I'm not rich. - Sure you are. 409 00:25:56,390 --> 00:25:58,659 There's tons of cash laying around the house. 410 00:25:58,692 --> 00:26:00,027 You should put it in a bank. 411 00:26:00,061 --> 00:26:03,130 You're gonna lose it all, mark my words. 412 00:26:03,164 --> 00:26:06,100 a fire, a flood, one day, poof. 413 00:26:06,133 --> 00:26:08,302 You should spend some of that money. 414 00:26:08,335 --> 00:26:10,838 And on whom would I spend it? 415 00:26:12,373 --> 00:26:14,108 I'm not gonna spend it on you. 416 00:26:14,141 --> 00:26:16,043 Ay, what's the big deal? 417 00:26:16,077 --> 00:26:19,246 Isn't Mr. Lapham doing what everyone is supposed to do, 418 00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:21,148 making something of himself? 419 00:26:22,650 --> 00:26:24,819 You can make too much of yourself. 420 00:26:25,753 --> 00:26:27,188 Mr. March! 421 00:26:31,992 --> 00:26:33,627 Oh, it's Mr. Krento. 422 00:26:36,297 --> 00:26:38,065 Mr. March! 423 00:26:38,099 --> 00:26:40,334 Though Harry has never had direct communication 424 00:26:40,367 --> 00:26:42,970 with Mr. Lapham, 425 00:26:43,003 --> 00:26:47,374 Harry exchanges daily notes to Mr. Lapham's executive secretary, 426 00:26:47,408 --> 00:26:49,110 Damienal Krento. 427 00:26:54,115 --> 00:26:57,084 Hello, Mr. March, I have a letter for you, sir. 428 00:26:57,118 --> 00:27:00,054 They trade notes ferried back and forth 429 00:27:00,087 --> 00:27:03,290 on Harry's toy motorboat named Sharon, 430 00:27:03,324 --> 00:27:05,726 a female version of Charon 431 00:27:05,759 --> 00:27:09,096 named after the grizzly old sailor in Greek mythology 432 00:27:09,130 --> 00:27:12,833 who ferried the dead across the River Styx in the underworld. 433 00:27:18,739 --> 00:27:20,841 "Mr. Lapham has instructed me to inquire 434 00:27:20,875 --> 00:27:22,443 if you'll be joining us this evening for dinner 435 00:27:22,476 --> 00:27:24,745 at his new residence across the creek from your own. 436 00:27:24,778 --> 00:27:27,181 With highest regards, yours sincerely, 437 00:27:27,214 --> 00:27:30,818 Damienal Krento, personal assistant to Mr. Lapham." 438 00:27:33,020 --> 00:27:36,023 I'd be delighted to come to dinner 439 00:27:36,056 --> 00:27:37,925 at Mr. Lapham's, Mr. Krento. 440 00:27:37,958 --> 00:27:39,693 Should I bring my own wine? 441 00:27:39,727 --> 00:27:41,328 Oh, uh, no. 442 00:27:41,362 --> 00:27:45,299 Mr. Lapham has the largest wine cellar in all of the Hamptons. 443 00:27:45,332 --> 00:27:51,372 Mr. Krento, is there a dress code at Mr. Lapham's dinner? 444 00:27:51,405 --> 00:27:52,773 I don't have a thing to wear. 445 00:27:52,806 --> 00:27:56,010 Oh, I have a nice fuchsia sweater. 446 00:27:56,043 --> 00:27:57,912 Should I wear it tied around my shoulders? 447 00:27:57,945 --> 00:28:00,147 I've seen men in the Hamptons do that. 448 00:28:00,181 --> 00:28:02,149 Afraid I'm not sure. 449 00:28:02,183 --> 00:28:04,919 How 'bout my loafers, with or without socks? 450 00:28:04,952 --> 00:28:08,956 - Really, it doesn't matter. - Now, what about dinner table conversation? 451 00:28:08,989 --> 00:28:10,824 - What should we talk about? - Excuse me, sorry. 452 00:28:10,858 --> 00:28:14,161 That absolutely riveting piece in Harper's 453 00:28:14,195 --> 00:28:16,997 about soccer moms in Mozambique 454 00:28:17,031 --> 00:28:19,900 or that hilarious piece in the Times 455 00:28:19,934 --> 00:28:22,870 about people who look like their pets? 456 00:28:24,205 --> 00:28:27,274 I'm sure you can talk about anything you like. 457 00:28:27,308 --> 00:28:30,444 I like New York in June, Mr. Krento, how about you? 458 00:28:32,780 --> 00:28:35,983 And then another thing, how to greet the other guests? 459 00:28:36,016 --> 00:28:38,185 Should I say, "There he is!"? 460 00:28:38,219 --> 00:28:40,087 Um, well-- 461 00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:42,256 Or maybe I should say, "There she is." 462 00:28:42,289 --> 00:28:45,759 Mr. March, sir, I shall tell Mr. and Mrs. Lapham 463 00:28:45,793 --> 00:28:46,760 that you'll be there. 464 00:28:46,794 --> 00:28:48,262 They'll be so pleased. 465 00:28:48,295 --> 00:28:51,265 Oh, I'll be so pleased too, Mr. Krento. 466 00:28:51,298 --> 00:28:52,967 Yes, goodbye, sir. 467 00:28:54,235 --> 00:28:55,336 Bye. 468 00:28:57,905 --> 00:29:01,342 You're not really going to Mr. Lapham's dinner party, are you? 469 00:29:01,375 --> 00:29:05,846 Remember what happened the last time you went to a dinner party? 470 00:29:07,414 --> 00:29:09,149 There isn't gonna be a dinner party. 471 00:29:14,088 --> 00:29:18,058 P... please for my sake, just behave yourself tonight, would you? 472 00:29:18,092 --> 00:29:20,394 The sacrifices I make for love. 473 00:29:20,427 --> 00:29:22,096 Exactly. 474 00:29:23,230 --> 00:29:24,898 - Hey Jack. - Hey. 475 00:29:31,171 --> 00:29:32,540 The Rocky Horror Show? 476 00:29:32,574 --> 00:29:34,475 Eh, Night of the Living Dead. 477 00:29:34,509 --> 00:29:35,976 You want to switch places? 478 00:29:36,010 --> 00:29:37,778 I would but I'm working. 479 00:29:39,146 --> 00:29:41,081 Is there anything I can do for you, Mr. March? 480 00:29:41,115 --> 00:29:43,217 You can tell me how you're doing at school. 481 00:29:43,250 --> 00:29:44,818 I'm okay. 482 00:29:44,852 --> 00:29:47,321 I don't really know where it's getting me though. 483 00:29:47,354 --> 00:29:49,323 Nowhere, of course. 484 00:29:49,356 --> 00:29:51,358 Your father's very proud of you, Jack. 485 00:29:51,392 --> 00:29:53,427 Surf and turf, everybody! 486 00:30:00,868 --> 00:30:03,370 Who are all these people, Mr. March? 487 00:30:03,404 --> 00:30:06,340 You mean to tell me you've never been to a Hamptons dinner party? 488 00:30:06,373 --> 00:30:10,144 This is your first Hamptons dinner party? 489 00:30:10,177 --> 00:30:16,183 Well, catch, let me be your host. 490 00:30:16,216 --> 00:30:17,552 Go ahead. 491 00:30:20,254 --> 00:30:22,056 Mr. March, Jeff Jefferson, 492 00:30:22,089 --> 00:30:24,592 - I provided the Margaux for the party. - Congratulations. 493 00:30:24,626 --> 00:30:28,630 If it's not a big imposition, my wife has started writing. 494 00:30:28,663 --> 00:30:30,864 We were hoping you could read her novel. 495 00:30:30,898 --> 00:30:33,967 I could, but I wouldn't, bad case of parsimony, 496 00:30:34,001 --> 00:30:35,035 just tell her to keep at it. 497 00:30:35,069 --> 00:30:37,539 Mm-hm. 498 00:30:37,572 --> 00:30:40,074 Well, well, what have we here? 499 00:30:40,107 --> 00:30:43,177 Harry Marsh, the man who wasn't there. 500 00:30:43,210 --> 00:30:46,380 And Mr. Vandersnook, the man who's always here. 501 00:30:46,413 --> 00:30:49,883 Don't drink the Margaux, it's shit. 502 00:30:55,189 --> 00:30:56,924 Oh, God. 503 00:31:06,100 --> 00:31:08,902 As it's your first Hamptons dinner party, 504 00:31:08,936 --> 00:31:11,972 I should show you how things are arranged. 505 00:31:12,005 --> 00:31:13,440 There's the politicians table. 506 00:31:15,577 --> 00:31:19,480 Senator Gargen over there, just been indicted for fraud. 507 00:31:21,115 --> 00:31:22,684 There's the journalists table. 508 00:31:22,717 --> 00:31:26,621 Chip McDonald writes about something, I don't know what. 509 00:31:28,188 --> 00:31:31,458 The dandy is Arthur Arthur, the gossip publisher. 510 00:31:32,727 --> 00:31:34,161 Isn't that...? 511 00:31:34,194 --> 00:31:37,030 Yes, that's Bobo de Pleasure, 512 00:31:37,064 --> 00:31:41,435 the conservative columnist with the liberal flare. 513 00:31:41,468 --> 00:31:45,239 Oh. That table over there? 514 00:31:46,473 --> 00:31:48,442 That's the table for people 515 00:31:48,475 --> 00:31:51,378 who have the look of someone sitting in a whistle 516 00:31:51,412 --> 00:31:53,681 of a steamship when it went off. 517 00:31:53,715 --> 00:31:56,250 I better go take my seat. 518 00:31:57,552 --> 00:32:00,053 Do you remember the movie I told you to see 519 00:32:00,087 --> 00:32:01,989 about the sideshow in the circus? 520 00:32:02,022 --> 00:32:03,323 Freaks? 521 00:32:03,357 --> 00:32:06,260 Yeah, think about it. 522 00:32:09,163 --> 00:32:12,366 So Harry took his favorite seat 523 00:32:12,399 --> 00:32:14,435 in his least favorite venue. 524 00:32:14,468 --> 00:32:17,639 He motioned for the barkeep to keep the Margaux coming. 525 00:32:17,672 --> 00:32:19,306 Though it was shit, 526 00:32:19,339 --> 00:32:21,576 it would suffice to help Harry drown out 527 00:32:21,609 --> 00:32:23,678 the rampant self-promotion 528 00:32:23,711 --> 00:32:27,715 and egomaniacal conversation going on around him. 529 00:32:27,749 --> 00:32:30,585 I do hope you're doing something for the wheels, Mr. March. 530 00:32:30,618 --> 00:32:34,321 "What trouble are the wheels in? ," Harry would ask. 531 00:32:34,354 --> 00:32:36,290 They are in very bad shape, 532 00:32:36,323 --> 00:32:38,292 and in 50 years, perhaps less, 533 00:32:38,325 --> 00:32:40,662 there will be no wheels left. 534 00:32:40,695 --> 00:32:42,463 What do you think of that? 535 00:32:44,498 --> 00:32:47,602 Well, what do you have to say? 536 00:32:49,269 --> 00:32:52,306 We must take care of the problem or not at all. 537 00:32:57,044 --> 00:33:01,081 It's so nice to have all our crowd together under one roof. 538 00:33:01,114 --> 00:33:04,485 As Yeats, the well known poet wrote, 539 00:33:04,519 --> 00:33:07,387 that "I had such friends." 540 00:33:07,421 --> 00:33:09,557 And now, I should like to raise a toast 541 00:33:09,591 --> 00:33:12,627 to my fabulously talented husband, Grady, 542 00:33:12,660 --> 00:33:15,062 who has just finished his book 543 00:33:15,095 --> 00:33:17,364 on the life of Luella Parsons. 544 00:33:18,365 --> 00:33:20,400 Oh, it's called Poop. 545 00:33:22,336 --> 00:33:25,773 And I will tell you it is absolutely fabulous. 546 00:33:25,807 --> 00:33:30,210 Labor of love. It's a labor of love. 547 00:33:30,244 --> 00:33:34,782 Oh, I... I have a great idea. 548 00:33:34,816 --> 00:33:38,620 Why doesn't everyone stand and tell us what new great thing 549 00:33:38,653 --> 00:33:41,154 he or she is doing? 550 00:33:42,757 --> 00:33:45,693 Who's first? Who wants to go first? 551 00:33:48,696 --> 00:33:50,798 I'm a bit embarrassed to report 552 00:33:50,832 --> 00:33:52,667 that the Barbadian government 553 00:33:52,700 --> 00:33:56,203 has decided to offer a two cent stamp with my picture on it. 554 00:33:57,805 --> 00:34:00,575 In the beginning, they wanted to put me on the one cent stamp, 555 00:34:00,608 --> 00:34:02,710 but I held out for the two. 556 00:34:08,415 --> 00:34:11,753 This hardly matters, 557 00:34:11,786 --> 00:34:15,122 but I'm probably within a year 558 00:34:15,155 --> 00:34:18,292 of completing my three volume study 559 00:34:18,325 --> 00:34:20,227 of the life of William McKinley. 560 00:34:23,430 --> 00:34:25,399 Isn't it splendid we live in a place 561 00:34:25,432 --> 00:34:27,535 where everyone writes a book? 562 00:34:29,336 --> 00:34:31,138 And you're next. 563 00:34:32,239 --> 00:34:33,808 I've written a book as well. 564 00:34:33,841 --> 00:34:37,277 It's called, Will I Ever Get a Seat at the Table?: 565 00:34:37,311 --> 00:34:39,647 A Gossip Publisher's Lament. 566 00:34:41,616 --> 00:34:44,251 You'll always have a seat at our table, Arthur. 567 00:34:46,420 --> 00:34:50,490 Well, everyone, according to a recent public opinion poll, 568 00:34:50,525 --> 00:34:54,896 I was voted as the friendliest senator in the Northeast. 569 00:35:03,738 --> 00:35:07,875 I would just like to say, I agree with all sides. 570 00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:16,818 In this austere company, my project may seem small, 571 00:35:16,851 --> 00:35:20,187 I know, but I should tell you to date, 572 00:35:20,220 --> 00:35:23,658 we have raised four million dollars for the wheels. 573 00:35:28,730 --> 00:35:32,299 And what important projects have you done, Mr. March? 574 00:35:34,301 --> 00:35:37,772 With the last drop of his shit Margaux consumed, 575 00:35:37,805 --> 00:35:40,808 Harry had long since lost any ability 576 00:35:40,842 --> 00:35:43,477 to moderate his docile instruction 577 00:35:43,511 --> 00:35:46,614 given to him by his beloved Chloe, 578 00:35:46,648 --> 00:35:50,450 and with a last sip, an idea popped in his head. 579 00:36:24,451 --> 00:36:25,687 That's it. 580 00:36:26,788 --> 00:36:28,355 We're going home. 581 00:36:34,361 --> 00:36:39,433 The wheels, she wanted to save the wheels. 582 00:37:00,287 --> 00:37:01,723 Mr. March! 583 00:37:01,756 --> 00:37:05,626 Hey, Larry, how are you guys doing? 584 00:37:05,660 --> 00:37:08,663 Pardon the intrusion, Harry, but we need your support. 585 00:37:08,696 --> 00:37:11,331 Oh, is this about the casino? 586 00:37:11,364 --> 00:37:13,568 Yes, are you with us? 587 00:37:13,601 --> 00:37:16,838 Yeah, sure, you can count on me. 588 00:37:16,871 --> 00:37:19,907 That COC committee says we'll ruin the area. 589 00:37:19,941 --> 00:37:24,311 Well, how can you? Don't you guys own most of the land around here? 590 00:37:24,344 --> 00:37:26,781 Look, deer! 591 00:37:28,516 --> 00:37:30,651 It's a good sign, Harry, good sign. 592 00:37:31,819 --> 00:37:34,856 Yeah, that's a real good sign. 593 00:37:34,889 --> 00:37:37,692 Well, I guess the gods have spoken. 594 00:37:39,894 --> 00:37:41,796 Thanks for paddling by. 595 00:37:47,535 --> 00:37:49,771 - Hector! - Uh... Huh? 596 00:37:51,038 --> 00:37:52,740 All right, what did you-- get down. 597 00:37:52,774 --> 00:37:54,575 - What? - Get down. 598 00:37:54,609 --> 00:37:55,877 Huh? 599 00:37:55,910 --> 00:37:57,845 What did you do with it? 600 00:37:58,946 --> 00:37:59,981 With what? 601 00:38:00,014 --> 00:38:02,315 The horse hair. 602 00:38:04,118 --> 00:38:05,318 Oh. 603 00:38:10,390 --> 00:38:12,527 - Cough it up. - I'm not a cat. 604 00:38:12,560 --> 00:38:14,595 You ate it, why? 605 00:38:14,629 --> 00:38:17,765 Well, for one thing, I'll eat anything. 606 00:38:17,799 --> 00:38:20,935 But if you must know, I'm trying to save you from yourself. 607 00:38:20,968 --> 00:38:25,706 This crazy scheme of yours will mess up everything for both of us. 608 00:38:25,740 --> 00:38:27,809 I happen to like the way my life is. 609 00:38:30,812 --> 00:38:32,046 Answer it for once. 610 00:38:39,153 --> 00:38:41,522 I'm not finished with you. 611 00:38:54,135 --> 00:38:56,604 - Hello? - Hey, it's me. 612 00:38:56,637 --> 00:38:59,507 The children called about your emails. 613 00:38:59,540 --> 00:39:01,075 They're really worried and so am I. 614 00:39:01,108 --> 00:39:05,813 Oh, uh, no, no, no, Chlo, everything's great. 615 00:39:05,847 --> 00:39:07,682 Joel's worried, too. Why is that? 616 00:39:07,715 --> 00:39:09,917 He's worried because I'm worried. 617 00:39:09,951 --> 00:39:14,522 Look, Harry, I don't know what crazy scheme is rattling around in that brain of yours 618 00:39:14,555 --> 00:39:18,491 and I know you're not gonna tell me, but just promise me you won't do anything stupid 619 00:39:19,459 --> 00:39:20,661 or dangerous. 620 00:39:25,833 --> 00:39:30,470 - Harry? - Thanks so much for calling, Chlo, 621 00:39:30,504 --> 00:39:32,874 but I'm just about to go off island. 622 00:39:32,907 --> 00:39:35,076 Why don't I give you a call tomorrow and we could have a nice long chat? 623 00:39:35,109 --> 00:39:37,645 Now, say a hello to Joel for me, okay? 624 00:39:37,678 --> 00:39:41,682 Wow, Harry, that was both gracious and coherent. 625 00:39:41,716 --> 00:39:43,784 Now I'm really worried. 626 00:39:43,818 --> 00:39:47,555 Look, I love you, the children love you. 627 00:39:47,588 --> 00:39:51,491 I just want you to know there are people out there who want you to stay alive. 628 00:39:54,095 --> 00:39:56,631 And I love you all. Gotta go, Chlo. 629 00:40:05,806 --> 00:40:08,809 Mr. Marsh, I'm a junior at Columbia. 630 00:40:08,843 --> 00:40:12,046 - I'm writing my honor's thesis on your work. - Great. 631 00:40:12,079 --> 00:40:14,515 - A few questions? - No. 632 00:40:14,548 --> 00:40:17,051 I'm interested in the use of hats in your work. 633 00:40:17,084 --> 00:40:19,587 - Do they symbolize death? - Yes. 634 00:40:19,620 --> 00:40:22,757 - What about the color yellow, also death? - Yes. 635 00:40:22,790 --> 00:40:25,826 - And flowers? - Death. 636 00:40:25,860 --> 00:40:28,629 You seem to deliberately avoid the gerund. 637 00:40:28,663 --> 00:40:30,164 What does the gerund mean to you? 638 00:40:30,197 --> 00:40:32,533 Death. 639 00:40:32,566 --> 00:40:35,136 Do you think you're more influenced by Washington Irving or John Irving? 640 00:40:35,169 --> 00:40:36,203 Clifford. 641 00:40:37,705 --> 00:40:39,240 May I send you my thesis when it's done? 642 00:40:39,273 --> 00:40:41,208 By all means. 643 00:40:46,681 --> 00:40:49,216 - Tell me about the Hamptons again. - Not now. 644 00:40:49,250 --> 00:40:51,752 Oh, that's right, we're on a mission. 645 00:40:51,786 --> 00:40:54,622 Horse hair, the search for the holy horse hair. 646 00:40:54,655 --> 00:40:56,557 You oughta be locked up. 647 00:40:56,590 --> 00:41:00,528 The plan calls for horse hair or a suitable equivalent, 648 00:41:00,561 --> 00:41:02,129 you're lucky your hair's too short. 649 00:41:02,163 --> 00:41:04,966 I hate to be seen with you in public. 650 00:41:04,999 --> 00:41:07,501 People stare at you. 651 00:41:07,535 --> 00:41:10,504 - Are you famous? - I'm known. 652 00:41:10,538 --> 00:41:13,607 - I believe in the humble life. - I had one. 653 00:41:25,886 --> 00:41:27,755 Move. 654 00:41:36,697 --> 00:41:38,199 Hello. 655 00:41:38,232 --> 00:41:41,736 Um, I'd like to ask you something. 656 00:41:41,769 --> 00:41:43,671 Do you have any horse hair? 657 00:41:43,704 --> 00:41:45,673 No, no horse hair. 658 00:41:45,706 --> 00:41:48,242 We do have a very handsome hobby horse, but it's hairless. 659 00:41:51,178 --> 00:41:52,179 Sit down. 660 00:41:54,715 --> 00:41:56,984 What a charming dog. What's her name? 661 00:41:57,018 --> 00:41:59,053 Hermione. 662 00:41:59,086 --> 00:42:02,223 Hermione, really? 663 00:42:03,257 --> 00:42:04,592 What's this? 664 00:42:04,625 --> 00:42:07,061 She comes with a wand. 665 00:42:07,094 --> 00:42:09,530 Go ahead, touch the wand to the ruby. 666 00:42:22,043 --> 00:42:25,646 Isn't she adorable? She speaks English and Spanish. 667 00:42:25,679 --> 00:42:27,681 Does she do construction work? 668 00:42:30,751 --> 00:42:34,922 Oh, you beautiful doll, 669 00:42:34,955 --> 00:42:39,860 you great big, beautiful doll. 670 00:42:45,666 --> 00:42:46,934 Mmm. Mm. 671 00:42:49,003 --> 00:42:50,671 Tastes good, right? 672 00:42:50,704 --> 00:42:53,340 You seem to like the doll? 673 00:42:53,374 --> 00:42:55,609 Mm-hm. 674 00:42:55,643 --> 00:42:57,812 This would be something for your granddaughter? 675 00:42:59,080 --> 00:43:01,082 - No. - A niece? 676 00:43:01,115 --> 00:43:02,783 The child of a friend? 677 00:43:02,817 --> 00:43:06,787 No, I'd like it for myself. I'll take four. 678 00:43:06,821 --> 00:43:08,122 How much? 679 00:43:09,690 --> 00:43:11,992 You know, I just remembered, we're out of stock 680 00:43:12,026 --> 00:43:13,928 and we're forbidden to sell the floor sample. 681 00:43:13,961 --> 00:43:17,031 I, uh, could order four dolls for you. 682 00:43:17,064 --> 00:43:18,399 But I need it today. 683 00:43:18,432 --> 00:43:20,901 Ah, let's get out of here. 684 00:43:20,935 --> 00:43:24,205 Well, I could check the inventory downstairs. 685 00:43:27,108 --> 00:43:28,175 Never mind. 686 00:43:29,844 --> 00:43:32,046 Come on, Hermione, we're leaving. 687 00:43:38,385 --> 00:43:40,754 - Ooh, can I? - No. 688 00:43:42,456 --> 00:43:46,060 You are not gonna believe this. 689 00:43:46,093 --> 00:43:50,431 We received a hat box full of horse hair just this very week. 690 00:43:50,464 --> 00:43:52,366 A hat box full of horse hair? 691 00:43:52,399 --> 00:43:56,137 A hat box full of horse hair. 692 00:43:57,872 --> 00:43:59,874 Please don't say it again. 693 00:43:59,907 --> 00:44:02,309 A hat box full of horse hair. 694 00:44:04,311 --> 00:44:07,781 Well, my dear, you have a sale. 695 00:44:07,815 --> 00:44:10,351 But this is the part you're not gonna believe, 696 00:44:10,384 --> 00:44:12,987 I sold the hat box this very morning. 697 00:44:14,355 --> 00:44:15,789 - No. - Yes. 698 00:44:15,823 --> 00:44:17,324 Do you know the Laphams? 699 00:44:17,358 --> 00:44:21,262 Well, it seems Mrs. Lapham makes her own throw pillows, ah, 700 00:44:21,295 --> 00:44:24,198 and when I told her about the horse hair, she just grabbed it up. 701 00:44:24,231 --> 00:44:27,835 - It makes an ideal stuffing. - Does it now? 702 00:44:27,868 --> 00:44:30,704 Well, yes, it's very sweet, really? 703 00:44:30,738 --> 00:44:32,473 See she's making the pillow 704 00:44:32,507 --> 00:44:34,408 as a surprise for Mr. Lapham 705 00:44:34,441 --> 00:44:36,177 to present him with a gift 706 00:44:36,210 --> 00:44:39,446 upon the occasion of the completion of their new house. 707 00:44:39,480 --> 00:44:42,750 I understand it's magnificent. 708 00:44:42,783 --> 00:44:44,451 You know, it's not too far from your own island. 709 00:44:44,485 --> 00:44:47,988 What do you call your place, Noman? 710 00:44:48,022 --> 00:44:50,291 Well, anyway, the whole thing was just dumb luck. 711 00:44:50,324 --> 00:44:53,460 She came in looking for some Victorian asparagus tongs, 712 00:44:53,494 --> 00:44:55,996 but then when I told her about the horse hair, 713 00:44:56,030 --> 00:44:58,699 well, it was just ideal. 714 00:45:00,834 --> 00:45:03,237 It's kind of a nice story really. 715 00:45:03,270 --> 00:45:05,372 See, the Laphams had a little dog 716 00:45:05,406 --> 00:45:08,275 who passed away last year. 717 00:45:08,309 --> 00:45:12,746 Why, he was just like your little Hector there, a little Westie. 718 00:45:12,780 --> 00:45:14,782 Goo goo baby. 719 00:45:14,815 --> 00:45:17,151 You know Harry, if it's horse hair you're looking for, 720 00:45:17,184 --> 00:45:19,253 it's probably in the walls of your house? 721 00:45:19,286 --> 00:45:21,789 Hey, don't give him any ideas. 722 00:45:21,822 --> 00:45:24,091 You see the old houses used horse hair 723 00:45:24,124 --> 00:45:26,227 to keep the plaster intact. 724 00:45:26,260 --> 00:45:28,963 You knock down a wall, you'll probably have all the horse hair you need. 725 00:45:28,996 --> 00:45:32,266 Oh, I'll keep that in mind, thanks for the tip. 726 00:45:32,299 --> 00:45:36,070 Terrific. By all means, let's knock down our walls 727 00:45:36,103 --> 00:45:38,939 so you'll have everything you need to commit a crime. 728 00:45:42,343 --> 00:45:46,313 Harry was not keen on the idea of destroying his house, 729 00:45:46,347 --> 00:45:49,216 but was left with no choice. 730 00:45:50,884 --> 00:45:53,387 But then, a vision came to him, 731 00:45:53,420 --> 00:45:55,923 a vision in the form 732 00:45:55,956 --> 00:46:00,961 of a long, thick tail-like braid of hair. 733 00:46:00,995 --> 00:46:06,200 Well, wrinkles, I do believe this is the very first time 734 00:46:06,233 --> 00:46:09,837 I have received a visit from your distinguished self. 735 00:46:09,870 --> 00:46:12,906 It's your lucky day, chitlins. 736 00:46:12,940 --> 00:46:14,842 You have something I want. 737 00:46:14,875 --> 00:46:17,311 Oh, don't you think it's a bit late for that? 738 00:46:17,344 --> 00:46:19,313 Late for you, I mean. 739 00:46:22,850 --> 00:46:24,051 I want your hair. 740 00:46:27,421 --> 00:46:29,923 I want you to cut off your braid and give it to me. 741 00:46:34,629 --> 00:46:38,966 And why on Earth should I do that? 742 00:46:38,999 --> 00:46:42,169 I cannot think for what's sick and perverse purpose 743 00:46:42,202 --> 00:46:46,073 you desire my extra long, extra thick world class hair. 744 00:46:46,106 --> 00:46:48,409 I need it, just leave it at that. 745 00:46:48,442 --> 00:46:51,178 Are you gonna hang yourself? 746 00:46:51,211 --> 00:46:52,547 Give me an incentive. 747 00:46:52,580 --> 00:46:54,315 Never mind why I want it. 748 00:46:54,348 --> 00:46:59,086 I'll pay you for it, plenty and it'll grow back soon. 749 00:46:59,119 --> 00:47:02,256 You stand to only profit from this transaction, Kathy. 750 00:47:02,289 --> 00:47:05,192 Oh, I worry when you address me by my Christian name 751 00:47:05,225 --> 00:47:09,430 instead of the usual insult, Harry, I worry. 752 00:47:09,463 --> 00:47:11,965 And yet, my interest is peaked. 753 00:47:11,999 --> 00:47:14,835 What do you call plenty? 754 00:47:15,603 --> 00:47:17,104 One thousand dollars. 755 00:47:17,137 --> 00:47:20,407 Oh honey, I don't clear my throat for $1,000. 756 00:47:20,441 --> 00:47:24,612 All right then, I'll agree to read your manuscript of poems. 757 00:47:24,646 --> 00:47:27,515 Well, Harry, how'd you know I write poetry? 758 00:47:27,549 --> 00:47:30,150 Just a wild guess. 759 00:47:33,287 --> 00:47:36,023 - Five thousand dollars then. - Mmm. 760 00:47:36,056 --> 00:47:39,893 Let me bring you into the modern world, my hermit crab. 761 00:47:39,927 --> 00:47:42,396 For your edification, Harry March, 762 00:47:42,429 --> 00:47:46,433 these days, $5,000 does not suffice as a deposit 763 00:47:46,467 --> 00:47:49,203 to take a house off the market for half an hour. 764 00:47:50,337 --> 00:47:51,673 On an average sale, 765 00:47:51,706 --> 00:47:54,174 an average sale, mind you, one that takes as long 766 00:47:54,208 --> 00:47:56,544 as ten minutes for me to consummate, 767 00:47:56,578 --> 00:47:59,913 my commission comes to $400,000. 768 00:47:59,947 --> 00:48:02,149 All right, how much do you want? 769 00:48:03,417 --> 00:48:06,019 Oh, I want you, honey. 770 00:48:06,053 --> 00:48:09,557 I want your house, your island, 771 00:48:09,591 --> 00:48:11,959 the works, 772 00:48:11,992 --> 00:48:13,595 and I'll pay top dollar. 773 00:48:13,628 --> 00:48:15,362 Because you can turn it around 774 00:48:15,396 --> 00:48:17,498 and get twice what you gave me for it? 775 00:48:17,532 --> 00:48:20,668 Three times, maybe four. 776 00:48:20,702 --> 00:48:23,370 You sell me your little Island of Dr. Moreau 777 00:48:23,404 --> 00:48:28,208 and I'll pay you enough to enable you to live out your shriveled mean spirited days 778 00:48:28,242 --> 00:48:31,044 in the comfort of the finest assisted living facility 779 00:48:31,078 --> 00:48:33,313 on the East End, hmm? 780 00:48:33,347 --> 00:48:37,017 With plenty of dollars to spare in case you want to take a day trip to the Bronx Zoo 781 00:48:37,050 --> 00:48:40,154 or catch a bus to see a revival of Cats. 782 00:48:43,591 --> 00:48:45,225 And for all that, 783 00:48:45,259 --> 00:48:48,228 I shall gladly cut off my luxurious braid of hair 784 00:48:48,262 --> 00:48:50,732 and I'll hand it over to you myself. 785 00:48:50,765 --> 00:48:53,267 - Never. - Harry March. 786 00:48:53,300 --> 00:48:56,970 You're hurting me. 787 00:48:57,004 --> 00:48:58,706 Never say never. 788 00:49:00,274 --> 00:49:02,342 I must say, Harry, 789 00:49:02,376 --> 00:49:04,579 I get all hot just thinking 790 00:49:04,612 --> 00:49:07,281 what you're gonna be doing with my hair. 791 00:49:08,583 --> 00:49:10,017 What about $50,000? 792 00:49:10,050 --> 00:49:13,253 Uh, this conversation is concluded. 793 00:49:13,287 --> 00:49:16,558 You sell me your island and my hair is yours. 794 00:49:16,591 --> 00:49:18,992 Your island, your house. 795 00:49:20,461 --> 00:49:22,229 My life then. 796 00:49:22,262 --> 00:49:27,000 That's my price, sweet pea, take it or leave it. 797 00:49:27,034 --> 00:49:30,103 Learn to live in the real world, Harry. 798 00:49:33,741 --> 00:49:36,376 As Mr. Lapham says, 799 00:49:36,410 --> 00:49:37,645 "The sun also rises, 800 00:49:38,713 --> 00:49:40,447 but it also sets." 801 00:49:46,220 --> 00:49:47,655 I like that one. 802 00:49:50,424 --> 00:49:52,560 Unwilling to sell his soul, 803 00:49:52,594 --> 00:49:55,395 Harry went on his cantankerous way. 804 00:50:01,101 --> 00:50:03,505 - Why do you do that? - Do what? 805 00:50:03,538 --> 00:50:06,306 Bark at the sight of another dog. 806 00:50:06,340 --> 00:50:08,710 - Because other dogs bark at me. - - Yes, but why? 807 00:50:08,743 --> 00:50:11,278 You know, I'm not really sure. 808 00:50:11,311 --> 00:50:14,749 You don't see me flying off the handle when I spot a another human being. 809 00:50:14,782 --> 00:50:16,584 Actually, I do. 810 00:50:32,165 --> 00:50:33,300 Hector! 811 00:50:33,333 --> 00:50:34,702 Hector! 812 00:50:52,854 --> 00:50:54,589 Get in the car. 813 00:50:54,622 --> 00:50:57,391 Don't worry, officer, I'm fine. 814 00:50:57,424 --> 00:51:00,127 You're lucky I'm taking you to the hospital and not the station house 815 00:51:00,160 --> 00:51:01,629 for being a creep at a toy store. 816 00:51:01,663 --> 00:51:05,165 That's me, all right, lucky. 817 00:51:31,325 --> 00:51:34,428 Oh, it must be wonderful, the literary life, 818 00:51:34,461 --> 00:51:37,665 to be a literary lion as you are. 819 00:51:37,699 --> 00:51:39,466 I'm a literary dog, you know? 820 00:51:39,499 --> 00:51:41,268 I'm sure you are. 821 00:51:41,301 --> 00:51:43,170 Is Mr. Lapham a literary lion? 822 00:51:43,203 --> 00:51:45,138 He has an awfully nice car. 823 00:51:45,172 --> 00:51:48,308 Hey, do you suppose he might give me a ride someday? 824 00:51:48,342 --> 00:51:50,444 He must miss his dear departed Westie? 825 00:51:52,714 --> 00:51:54,481 Will you ever shut up? 826 00:51:56,383 --> 00:51:58,352 When the time comes. 827 00:52:08,395 --> 00:52:10,364 Hey, come here, come here. 828 00:52:10,397 --> 00:52:13,300 I don't think you should see this. 829 00:52:13,333 --> 00:52:15,670 Go in there. 830 00:52:59,881 --> 00:53:02,517 Do you even think about how you appear to other people? 831 00:53:02,550 --> 00:53:06,754 - The death of the party? - It's all a big joke to you, right? 832 00:53:06,788 --> 00:53:10,792 People expect civility from other people and that's the foundation of civilization. 833 00:53:10,825 --> 00:53:14,729 - You call the Bittermans civilization? - Yes, I do. 834 00:53:14,762 --> 00:53:16,731 They're just regular human beings 835 00:53:16,764 --> 00:53:19,499 trying to live in this world the way it is. 836 00:53:19,534 --> 00:53:21,536 I don't like the world the way it is, 837 00:53:22,870 --> 00:53:24,605 but I love you, Chlo. 838 00:53:30,578 --> 00:53:32,379 I love you too, Harry. 839 00:53:39,654 --> 00:53:43,323 But I can't be a part of this life that you insist I live. 840 00:53:43,356 --> 00:53:46,894 It's too much, you ask too much. 841 00:53:46,928 --> 00:53:49,897 You've made me a prisoner of your principles. 842 00:53:53,534 --> 00:53:54,702 Principle is everything. 843 00:53:54,736 --> 00:53:55,937 No, it's not. 844 00:53:57,805 --> 00:54:00,273 The world moves forward because people have mutual respect. 845 00:54:00,307 --> 00:54:04,746 They talk to each other, they negotiate, they compromise. 846 00:54:04,779 --> 00:54:07,749 You just can't stop yourself, can you? You just had to spout off? 847 00:54:09,984 --> 00:54:11,652 Spout off? 848 00:54:12,887 --> 00:54:14,488 Well, you know, that's it, 849 00:54:14,522 --> 00:54:17,058 that's it, that's what lady was talking about. 850 00:54:17,091 --> 00:54:19,594 She wasn't talking about saving the wheels, 851 00:54:19,627 --> 00:54:21,796 she was talking about saving the whales. 852 00:54:41,381 --> 00:54:42,817 Mr. March! 853 00:54:44,919 --> 00:54:46,654 Mr. March! 854 00:54:51,491 --> 00:54:53,293 Mr. March! 855 00:54:57,497 --> 00:55:01,334 Harry March, I need to sell you a swimming pool. 856 00:55:01,368 --> 00:55:03,871 What are you talking about? Who are you? 857 00:55:03,905 --> 00:55:05,640 A swimming pool. 858 00:55:07,108 --> 00:55:11,378 Well, I'll give you two minutes. 859 00:55:11,411 --> 00:55:13,080 Cosiapara. 860 00:55:14,882 --> 00:55:16,651 - Hey. - Come on. 861 00:55:16,684 --> 00:55:19,020 Who's this? 862 00:55:19,053 --> 00:55:20,988 He loves me. 863 00:55:21,022 --> 00:55:23,925 He loves everybody but me. 864 00:55:23,958 --> 00:55:25,425 Ah, it's true. 865 00:55:25,458 --> 00:55:27,061 He's precious. 866 00:55:45,913 --> 00:55:48,049 Mr. March, 867 00:55:48,082 --> 00:55:52,720 everyone around here says I could never sell you one of my dad's pools. 868 00:55:52,753 --> 00:55:53,988 My dad says so too. 869 00:55:55,156 --> 00:55:57,558 Everyone says you're mean and crazy. 870 00:55:57,592 --> 00:55:59,627 - They're right. - But I said, "No." 871 00:55:59,660 --> 00:56:03,430 "That old man is just waiting for a little brightness in his life." 872 00:56:03,463 --> 00:56:06,100 Oh, in the form of a swimming pool? 873 00:56:06,133 --> 00:56:07,768 You said it. 874 00:56:07,802 --> 00:56:10,738 What you need to cheer up your cranky and miserable self 875 00:56:10,771 --> 00:56:15,408 is a new gunite pool installed with expert craftsmanship 876 00:56:15,442 --> 00:56:18,579 and tender loving care by the Leonardo Da Vinci 877 00:56:18,613 --> 00:56:22,415 of Hamptons pool makers and servicers, Tony Amberson. 878 00:56:22,449 --> 00:56:24,585 - Is that your father? - My father. 879 00:56:24,619 --> 00:56:26,453 Ah, A pool would be nice. 880 00:56:26,486 --> 00:56:28,756 Miss, I'm very busy, 881 00:56:28,789 --> 00:56:31,058 I have a lot of important things to do. 882 00:56:31,092 --> 00:56:34,427 I don't really have any desire for a swimming pool. 883 00:56:34,461 --> 00:56:35,863 I have nobody to impress. 884 00:56:35,897 --> 00:56:39,901 If I want to take a swim, I do it right off my dock 885 00:56:39,934 --> 00:56:42,003 and if I want warm water, I take a bath. 886 00:56:42,036 --> 00:56:46,473 Good for you, but I must tell you, 887 00:56:46,507 --> 00:56:48,676 I don't think you're seeing this issue clearly. 888 00:56:49,977 --> 00:56:52,847 You are thinking of a swimming pool narrowly 889 00:56:52,880 --> 00:56:55,883 as a place to exercise or lull about. 890 00:56:55,917 --> 00:56:58,719 And speaking of exercise, 891 00:56:58,753 --> 00:57:02,523 if you don't mind my saying so, you could use some. 892 00:57:02,556 --> 00:57:04,225 I like this girl. 893 00:57:04,258 --> 00:57:06,727 I do mind, your two minutes are almost up. 894 00:57:06,761 --> 00:57:09,096 Think of a swimming pool instead 895 00:57:09,130 --> 00:57:12,199 as a notable room of your house. 896 00:57:12,233 --> 00:57:16,003 Think of it as your indoor body of water, 897 00:57:16,037 --> 00:57:20,775 your pond, your lake, your estuary. 898 00:57:20,808 --> 00:57:25,780 What, may I ask, is more beautiful than a body of water? 899 00:57:25,813 --> 00:57:29,750 The light dance of the ripples, the shadows on the waves, 900 00:57:29,784 --> 00:57:33,054 the brooding darkness underneath. 901 00:57:33,087 --> 00:57:36,057 You know, you have a mind far more estimable 902 00:57:36,090 --> 00:57:37,658 than I thought. 903 00:57:38,993 --> 00:57:42,763 Why are you wasting it selling swimming pools? 904 00:57:44,065 --> 00:57:46,968 I mean a daughter's duty to her father aside. 905 00:57:47,001 --> 00:57:49,270 It never is aside. 906 00:57:49,303 --> 00:57:53,240 My dad's having a hard time of it, I mean moneywise. 907 00:57:53,274 --> 00:57:57,178 Moneywise, is this your full-time occupation? 908 00:57:57,211 --> 00:57:59,580 This semester. 909 00:57:59,613 --> 00:58:01,816 Then, it's back to St. John's in Annapolis. 910 00:58:01,849 --> 00:58:05,586 Oh, the great books curriculum, I thought so. 911 00:58:05,619 --> 00:58:08,923 You, my dear girl, are an anachronism. 912 00:58:08,956 --> 00:58:11,859 Just like you. 913 00:58:11,892 --> 00:58:14,295 Yes but I think I've earned that status. 914 00:58:14,328 --> 00:58:16,697 - You're much too young. - Maybe. 915 00:58:16,731 --> 00:58:19,000 But it looks better on me. 916 00:58:19,033 --> 00:58:20,601 Can't argue with that. 917 00:58:20,634 --> 00:58:24,138 You know, Harry, when I was in high school, 918 00:58:24,171 --> 00:58:27,808 I had a clear choice of extracurricular activities, 919 00:58:27,842 --> 00:58:30,911 be an anachronism, spend time in old movies, 920 00:58:30,945 --> 00:58:33,848 listen to jazz, live at the library 921 00:58:33,881 --> 00:58:38,919 or give blow jobs to the doped up future actuaries of America. 922 00:58:38,953 --> 00:58:40,788 Oh. 923 00:58:40,821 --> 00:58:42,757 What's an actuary? 924 00:58:42,790 --> 00:58:44,692 So I went to classes most of the day 925 00:58:44,725 --> 00:58:47,261 and lived at the town library most of the night. 926 00:58:48,863 --> 00:58:50,898 Are you sure you don't want to buy a swimming pool? 927 00:58:50,931 --> 00:58:52,767 It's a great investment. 928 00:58:54,935 --> 00:58:57,905 Well, I got fixated on Samuel Johnson. 929 00:58:58,906 --> 00:59:00,274 First, I read Boswell. 930 00:59:00,307 --> 00:59:02,777 Then, I read Johnson. 931 00:59:02,810 --> 00:59:04,678 The lives of the poets, 932 00:59:04,712 --> 00:59:07,615 the prose, the poems, the best of which is 933 00:59:07,648 --> 00:59:10,017 - The Vanity of Human Wishes. - The Vanity of Human Wishes. 934 00:59:10,051 --> 00:59:11,318 "When a man is tired of London--" 935 00:59:11,352 --> 00:59:14,088 "He is tired of life." 936 00:59:14,121 --> 00:59:17,792 "He's not a patron, my Lord, 937 00:59:17,825 --> 00:59:20,928 one who looks with unconcern 938 00:59:20,961 --> 00:59:24,999 on a man struggling for life in the water." 939 00:59:25,032 --> 00:59:28,903 "And when he's reached the ground encumbers him with hope." 940 00:59:30,137 --> 00:59:31,772 Brilliant. 941 00:59:34,108 --> 00:59:36,243 What brought you to Dr. Johnson? 942 00:59:36,277 --> 00:59:39,647 His devotion to the power of reason. 943 00:59:39,680 --> 00:59:41,215 He wasn't a romantic. 944 00:59:41,248 --> 00:59:43,751 Romantics ruin the world. 945 00:59:43,784 --> 00:59:46,153 And of course, he was always right. 946 00:59:46,187 --> 00:59:49,290 You're more than an anachronism. 947 00:59:50,357 --> 00:59:52,226 You show real value. 948 00:59:54,862 --> 00:59:57,865 Not like that monster over there. 949 00:59:57,898 --> 00:59:59,800 - Lapham? - You know him? 950 00:59:59,834 --> 01:00:04,839 No, I don't know anyone who's even seen him. 951 01:00:04,872 --> 01:00:08,209 He's a ghost like you. 952 01:00:12,980 --> 01:00:14,782 What do you know about me? 953 01:00:16,117 --> 01:00:18,786 What I see, what others say, 954 01:00:18,819 --> 01:00:21,989 but mainly what I see, 955 01:00:22,022 --> 01:00:25,159 a man who has whittled his life to too fine a point, 956 01:00:25,192 --> 01:00:26,894 too brittle. 957 01:00:28,295 --> 01:00:31,132 He doesn't write anymore. 958 01:00:31,165 --> 01:00:34,835 Now he's reduced to the stupidity of a sage. 959 01:00:43,978 --> 01:00:46,714 Towering in the confidence of 21. 960 01:00:46,747 --> 01:00:49,817 Do you have an answer for everything? 961 01:00:50,818 --> 01:00:51,819 Yes. 962 01:00:57,358 --> 01:00:59,093 Look, I don't want to fight with you. 963 01:01:00,327 --> 01:01:02,997 There's something wrong with quarreling 964 01:01:03,030 --> 01:01:05,032 when we're speaking of the person we both admire. 965 01:01:08,435 --> 01:01:11,372 - Well, how about it? - Nope. 966 01:01:11,405 --> 01:01:13,174 - Three easy installments. - Nope. 967 01:01:13,207 --> 01:01:15,409 - Come on, be a sport. - Nope. 968 01:01:15,442 --> 01:01:17,745 - Miss Polite said that you would-- - What did you say? 969 01:01:19,280 --> 01:01:20,281 Miss Polite said? 970 01:01:22,183 --> 01:01:24,185 Miss Polite said? 971 01:01:29,423 --> 01:01:31,892 Well, young Dr. Johnson, 972 01:01:33,794 --> 01:01:36,330 what did Ms. Polite say? 973 01:01:36,363 --> 01:01:39,366 When you sell your papa's swimming pools, darling, 974 01:01:39,400 --> 01:01:41,101 do you know what you're selling? 975 01:01:41,135 --> 01:01:43,037 You're selling real estate. 976 01:01:43,070 --> 01:01:46,106 Now I already have a pool so you'll make no sale with me, 977 01:01:46,140 --> 01:01:49,777 but tell you what, you sell a pool to Harry March, 978 01:01:49,810 --> 01:01:52,514 that nutcase writer on that island over there, 979 01:01:52,547 --> 01:01:56,917 you sell Mr. March a pool and I'll pay you for an extra one, 980 01:01:56,951 --> 01:01:59,820 one for the price of two. 981 01:01:59,853 --> 01:02:04,225 And just why did Miss Polite say she wanted me to buy a swimming pool? 982 01:02:04,258 --> 01:02:06,927 Because a swimming pool will do two things 983 01:02:06,961 --> 01:02:08,829 for the estimable Mr. March. 984 01:02:08,862 --> 01:02:12,833 It'll make his property more valuable, thus more sellable. 985 01:02:12,866 --> 01:02:15,803 And as soon as he buys it from you, he'll hate it, 986 01:02:15,836 --> 01:02:19,206 which is when he'll sell his island to me. 987 01:02:19,240 --> 01:02:23,110 Just when I thought I'd met one incorruptible soul. 988 01:02:23,143 --> 01:02:26,413 - Dr. Johnson-- - Would've done the same thing. 989 01:02:26,447 --> 01:02:28,916 He was poor like me. 990 01:02:31,452 --> 01:02:35,022 He wouldn't have sold his principles for a swimming pool. 991 01:02:40,294 --> 01:02:43,097 You never know what poor people will do. 992 01:03:04,051 --> 01:03:05,853 Are you coming back? 993 01:03:07,388 --> 01:03:09,089 Are you buying a pool? 994 01:03:10,525 --> 01:03:13,927 By the way, you're not an 18th century man. 995 01:03:15,262 --> 01:03:17,831 I thought you'd like to know. 996 01:03:18,866 --> 01:03:20,434 What do you mean? 997 01:03:23,370 --> 01:03:24,938 You're a romantic. 998 01:03:26,273 --> 01:03:28,342 You live on an island. 999 01:03:28,375 --> 01:03:31,211 You create your own ideal world. 1000 01:03:31,245 --> 01:03:33,180 You despise or ignore the real world. 1001 01:03:33,213 --> 01:03:37,217 You belittle life as it is 1002 01:03:37,251 --> 01:03:39,019 and you feel superior to others. 1003 01:03:40,555 --> 01:03:42,389 What do you suppose that makes you? 1004 01:03:53,535 --> 01:03:54,968 Lonely. 1005 01:04:20,961 --> 01:04:22,329 Harry! 1006 01:04:34,375 --> 01:04:37,211 - I don't see any horse hair. - No horse hair. 1007 01:04:39,380 --> 01:04:42,049 Well, at least you knocked down half the house. 1008 01:04:42,082 --> 01:04:44,218 I mean it wasn't a total loss. 1009 01:04:47,121 --> 01:04:48,355 I'm outta here. 1010 01:04:49,390 --> 01:04:50,924 Harry! 1011 01:05:08,242 --> 01:05:10,944 Harry! 1012 01:05:20,387 --> 01:05:22,524 Lot of banging going on in there. You all right? 1013 01:05:24,024 --> 01:05:25,492 You okay? 1014 01:05:25,527 --> 01:05:28,328 How's Jack doing? 1015 01:05:28,362 --> 01:05:31,365 You know Jack's 17, he's sensitive. 1016 01:05:31,398 --> 01:05:33,167 Don't change the subject, Harry. 1017 01:05:33,200 --> 01:05:35,035 What's going on? You look like shit. 1018 01:05:36,370 --> 01:05:38,338 You're acting crazy. You're talking to Hector. 1019 01:05:40,073 --> 01:05:42,009 You're lucky he's not talking back to you. 1020 01:05:42,042 --> 01:05:43,477 If he only knew. 1021 01:05:44,646 --> 01:05:46,180 You need to get some help, Harry. 1022 01:05:46,213 --> 01:05:48,215 Like what? 1023 01:05:48,248 --> 01:05:50,518 Like therapy, talk to someone, 1024 01:05:50,552 --> 01:05:53,187 you don't know how to deal with people. 1025 01:05:53,220 --> 01:05:56,390 I would, I'd see a shrink but I don't know how to deal with people. 1026 01:05:56,423 --> 01:05:58,593 Hold on, I'll be right back. 1027 01:06:13,575 --> 01:06:15,108 Hey! 1028 01:06:19,446 --> 01:06:21,649 - What is this? - It's a bribe. 1029 01:06:21,683 --> 01:06:25,252 I want you to stop working on Lapham's house. 1030 01:06:25,285 --> 01:06:28,523 - That's good. - I don't take bribes. 1031 01:06:28,556 --> 01:06:31,659 Well, it's for Jack, it's for film school. 1032 01:06:31,693 --> 01:06:35,262 You think I don't hear the both of you arguing every day? 1033 01:06:37,164 --> 01:06:39,233 Well, we'll figure it out, I can't accept this. 1034 01:06:39,266 --> 01:06:42,336 I told you, it's not for you. Tell Jack it's a loan. 1035 01:06:42,369 --> 01:06:45,472 He can pay me back with the profits from his first movie, 1036 01:06:45,507 --> 01:06:48,710 which should be no higher than the value of the loan, 1037 01:06:48,743 --> 01:06:52,212 that way we'll guarantee it'll be an art house film. 1038 01:06:56,116 --> 01:07:00,120 - Harry-- - I gotta go, I'm busy, very, very busy. 1039 01:07:11,265 --> 01:07:14,602 With his plan thwarted and all hope lost, 1040 01:07:14,636 --> 01:07:19,072 Harry March sat down to finally write his speech. 1041 01:08:39,921 --> 01:08:41,656 Chloe? 1042 01:08:43,558 --> 01:08:46,393 Joel's doing the planning for Lapham's party. 1043 01:08:46,426 --> 01:08:48,495 Of course he did. 1044 01:08:53,433 --> 01:08:54,736 We're not staying. 1045 01:08:59,674 --> 01:09:01,475 Nice to see you. 1046 01:09:01,509 --> 01:09:03,176 Nice to see you. 1047 01:09:26,233 --> 01:09:28,970 What are you standing here waiting for? It's Charlie, is it? 1048 01:09:29,003 --> 01:09:31,606 John? Are you a mute? 1049 01:09:31,639 --> 01:09:34,709 Who the hell did your tie? It's just not acceptable. 1050 01:09:36,511 --> 01:09:38,946 But then he saw her. 1051 01:09:38,980 --> 01:09:42,817 "What would Dr. Johnson do," he thought to himself? 1052 01:09:42,850 --> 01:09:45,953 Would he sell out his principles for the greater good? 1053 01:09:48,856 --> 01:09:50,792 Hi, Wrinkles. 1054 01:09:50,825 --> 01:09:54,261 The Amberson girl seemed to think so. 1055 01:10:19,587 --> 01:10:23,725 Uh, good evening, sir. Uh... Here just... 1056 01:10:53,755 --> 01:10:56,456 Last chance, Wrinkles. 1057 01:10:57,859 --> 01:10:59,426 Going once, 1058 01:11:00,393 --> 01:11:02,262 going twice, 1059 01:11:03,531 --> 01:11:04,966 - Going-- - All right. 1060 01:11:06,634 --> 01:11:08,603 You can have the house. 1061 01:11:10,071 --> 01:11:11,806 And the island? 1062 01:11:11,839 --> 01:11:13,508 And the island. 1063 01:11:39,667 --> 01:11:41,803 You won't sell it to Lapham, will you? 1064 01:11:43,436 --> 01:11:44,672 I might. 1065 01:11:45,873 --> 01:11:47,809 He'll probably flatten it, 1066 01:11:47,842 --> 01:11:50,077 give himself a lovely view. 1067 01:11:51,612 --> 01:11:54,447 He's quite the conservationist, you know? 1068 01:11:56,918 --> 01:11:59,053 What if I deny we made a deal? 1069 01:12:05,392 --> 01:12:08,395 State of the art, high tech. 1070 01:12:09,429 --> 01:12:10,665 Bitch! 1071 01:12:12,967 --> 01:12:16,838 Harry pulled out the only tuxedo he owned. 1072 01:12:16,871 --> 01:12:19,439 On the night when he lived the words 1073 01:12:19,472 --> 01:12:21,876 he so desperately wanted to write, 1074 01:12:21,909 --> 01:12:25,847 he felt as he should look his very best. 1075 01:12:25,880 --> 01:12:30,852 Also, just in case Chloe was still mingling at the Lapham's party 1076 01:12:30,885 --> 01:12:32,854 or if he should make the front page 1077 01:12:32,887 --> 01:12:35,388 of the local Southampton press 1078 01:12:35,422 --> 01:12:38,726 his old blue shirt wouldn't suffice. 1079 01:12:44,098 --> 01:12:45,666 Ladies and gentlemen, 1080 01:12:47,034 --> 01:12:49,103 Mr. Fred Astaire. 1081 01:13:28,542 --> 01:13:30,845 Much obliged, Miss Polite. 1082 01:13:42,957 --> 01:13:44,725 Here we go. 1083 01:14:54,996 --> 01:14:58,032 How do you know you won't hit the party tent? 1084 01:14:59,600 --> 01:15:02,636 'Cause... I know. 1085 01:15:02,670 --> 01:15:05,072 Oh, that's a relief. 1086 01:15:32,733 --> 01:15:34,535 Uh oh. 1087 01:15:36,670 --> 01:15:39,673 Harry looked on in disbelief. 1088 01:15:39,707 --> 01:15:41,275 His plan was perfect. 1089 01:15:41,308 --> 01:15:43,978 How could this have happened? 1090 01:15:44,011 --> 01:15:45,980 What could have gone wrong? 1091 01:15:48,883 --> 01:15:51,919 "Horse hair," he muttered to himself. 1092 01:16:02,963 --> 01:16:04,965 Put me down! Put me down! 1093 01:16:04,999 --> 01:16:07,068 I'm trying to save your life. 1094 01:16:07,101 --> 01:16:08,903 The Lord will look after me. 1095 01:16:08,936 --> 01:16:10,571 He's busy. 1096 01:16:12,706 --> 01:16:14,842 Well, I hope you're satisfied. 1097 01:16:19,647 --> 01:16:21,615 Harry, aren't you coming with? 1098 01:16:28,889 --> 01:16:33,260 I take this post mortem opportunity nevertheless 1099 01:16:33,294 --> 01:16:36,664 to tell you about the lecture I could not deliver in person. 1100 01:16:39,033 --> 01:16:42,036 My lecture was to be about Lapham, 1101 01:16:42,069 --> 01:16:46,941 my sordidly ambitious, absurdly self-important, 1102 01:16:46,974 --> 01:16:51,779 ears splittingly, noise making, unwanted neighbor, Lapham. 1103 01:16:52,847 --> 01:16:54,248 For anything you want to know 1104 01:16:54,281 --> 01:16:57,885 about the destructive witless 20th century, 1105 01:16:57,918 --> 01:16:59,753 you may look to Lapham. 1106 01:17:01,155 --> 01:17:03,157 But here comes the sad part of my lecture, 1107 01:17:03,190 --> 01:17:05,092 dear Chautauquins, 1108 01:17:05,126 --> 01:17:08,295 for I hoped to inform you that against all odds, 1109 01:17:08,329 --> 01:17:10,164 I had defeated Lapham, 1110 01:17:10,197 --> 01:17:13,100 reversed his upward progress 1111 01:17:13,134 --> 01:17:16,437 or at the very least slowed him down, 1112 01:17:16,470 --> 01:17:18,873 yet to my sorrow and embarrassment 1113 01:17:18,906 --> 01:17:21,709 I must report not my victory, 1114 01:17:21,742 --> 01:17:24,178 but rather his. 1115 01:17:24,211 --> 01:17:27,047 Mine was the vanity of human wishes. 1116 01:17:34,722 --> 01:17:38,192 What lesson may I bring you, my worthy Chautauquins? 1117 01:17:40,161 --> 01:17:42,463 The lesson is this, 1118 01:17:42,496 --> 01:17:45,166 the reason that Lapham has won this time 1119 01:17:45,199 --> 01:17:48,435 and will win again and will always win 1120 01:17:48,469 --> 01:17:50,404 is that you allow it. 1121 01:17:52,339 --> 01:17:57,111 You sit together, but you do not stand together. 1122 01:17:57,144 --> 01:18:00,314 Rise up, Chautauquins. 1123 01:18:00,347 --> 01:18:05,719 Rise as Lapham is rising and smite him. 1124 01:18:05,753 --> 01:18:08,923 Not with weapons, they will fail, take it from me, 1125 01:18:08,956 --> 01:18:12,126 but rather with your books 1126 01:18:12,159 --> 01:18:14,828 and your songs and your laughter. 1127 01:18:14,862 --> 01:18:18,132 Beat him back with your modesty, 1128 01:18:18,165 --> 01:18:20,134 the knowledge of frailty, 1129 01:18:20,167 --> 01:18:23,237 that is to say with your humanity, 1130 01:18:24,338 --> 01:18:27,074 or if you prefer 1131 01:18:27,107 --> 01:18:31,278 you all can go out and live on your separate islands 1132 01:18:31,312 --> 01:18:35,482 and seethe and fume and rant 1133 01:18:35,517 --> 01:18:38,118 and go nuts in the company 1134 01:18:38,152 --> 01:18:41,922 of your sarcastic, Bible-thumping dog. 1135 01:18:45,560 --> 01:18:47,161 It worked for me. 1136 01:19:13,120 --> 01:19:17,024 Harry, Harry, what are you doing? 1137 01:19:17,057 --> 01:19:19,360 What are you doing, Harry? 1138 01:19:19,393 --> 01:19:21,929 Señor March, por favor. 1139 01:19:21,962 --> 01:19:23,531 For Christ's sake, Harry! 1140 01:19:28,135 --> 01:19:31,338 My...! My house! 1141 01:19:33,474 --> 01:19:35,510 My house! 1142 01:19:35,543 --> 01:19:38,812 Harry! Harry March! 1143 01:19:38,846 --> 01:19:41,115 You crook! 1144 01:19:41,148 --> 01:19:42,816 We had a deal! 1145 01:19:44,318 --> 01:19:45,352 Harry! 1146 01:19:47,921 --> 01:19:51,325 Oh my! Oh my, my, my! 1147 01:19:51,358 --> 01:19:53,595 What have I done? 1148 01:19:53,628 --> 01:19:55,162 I've lowered the value 1149 01:19:55,195 --> 01:19:57,599 of Hamptons real estate. 1150 01:19:57,632 --> 01:19:59,967 If only I had a swimming pool, 1151 01:20:00,000 --> 01:20:03,203 I could use the water to put out the fire. 1152 01:20:11,211 --> 01:20:12,946 Oh, oh. 1153 01:20:12,980 --> 01:20:15,883 Harry, Mr. Lapham's here. 1154 01:20:15,916 --> 01:20:18,252 He's coming for you. 1155 01:20:18,285 --> 01:20:23,257 Oh, he's so excited his Tillis Blowhard finally worked. Ha! 1156 01:20:23,290 --> 01:20:25,259 Isn't that wonderful? 1157 01:20:25,292 --> 01:20:28,262 Mr. March, fear not. 1158 01:20:28,295 --> 01:20:32,567 Mr. Lapham is coming to save you in his boat. 1159 01:20:33,568 --> 01:20:35,002 No! 1160 01:20:35,035 --> 01:20:36,504 No, what do you mean no? 1161 01:20:36,538 --> 01:20:38,573 There's no need to worry, sir. 1162 01:20:38,606 --> 01:20:42,109 Mr. Lapham has the best powerboat in the world. 1163 01:20:42,142 --> 01:20:44,546 It has both gas and jet engines and draws only six inches of water 1164 01:20:44,579 --> 01:20:47,114 so don't bloody tell me no. 1165 01:20:47,147 --> 01:20:49,283 and it costs $650,000. 1166 01:20:49,316 --> 01:20:53,020 You tell Mr. Lapham to stay put! 1167 01:20:53,053 --> 01:20:56,423 I will not be rescued by my destroyer! 1168 01:20:56,457 --> 01:21:00,194 Oh, come on Mr. March, damn it, Harry. You're being very provincial. 1169 01:21:00,227 --> 01:21:02,930 Get your head out of your-- Please get in the boat! 1170 01:21:03,631 --> 01:21:05,065 Mr. March. 1171 01:21:23,350 --> 01:21:26,153 Hey, Harry, I got help. 1172 01:21:26,186 --> 01:21:27,421 Isn't that great? 1173 01:21:28,322 --> 01:21:29,456 Hector, 1174 01:21:32,527 --> 01:21:34,395 you traitor. 1175 01:22:06,293 --> 01:22:10,364 Wow, look at this place. 1176 01:22:12,366 --> 01:22:14,268 What a venue. 1177 01:22:14,301 --> 01:22:17,271 Name your price, sir. 1178 01:22:21,576 --> 01:22:24,378 What do you call this place? 1179 01:22:28,516 --> 01:22:30,317 Noman. 1180 01:22:30,350 --> 01:22:31,586 Noman? 1181 01:22:33,153 --> 01:22:35,088 What's that?