1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:34,208 --> 00:00:35,731 [birds chirping] 4 00:00:35,774 --> 00:00:38,255 ♪♪ 5 00:00:40,605 --> 00:00:42,825 [narrator] Welcome to Noman, 6 00:00:42,868 --> 00:00:48,178 the island home of the once famous author, Harry March. 7 00:00:48,222 --> 00:00:51,355 Harry calls his island Noman 8 00:00:51,399 --> 00:00:54,141 so that if anyone ever asks him, 9 00:00:54,184 --> 00:00:56,447 "Noman, what's that?", 10 00:00:56,491 --> 00:01:01,235 he can simply answer, "Noman is an island." 11 00:01:01,278 --> 00:01:04,151 To date,[chuckles] no one has asked. 12 00:01:06,153 --> 00:01:08,329 Perched on the opposite shore 13 00:01:08,372 --> 00:01:11,854 is the 36,000 square foot castle 14 00:01:11,897 --> 00:01:15,162 belonging to the heard of but rarely seen, 15 00:01:15,205 --> 00:01:17,512 Mr. and Mrs. Lapham. 16 00:01:33,397 --> 00:01:36,922 And today, while the Laphams plan their housewarming party 17 00:01:36,966 --> 00:01:39,708 and big reveal of the prodigious facelift 18 00:01:39,751 --> 00:01:41,405 made to their castle, 19 00:01:41,449 --> 00:01:44,104 Harry March has plans of his own. 20 00:01:45,453 --> 00:01:47,368 Devious plans. 21 00:01:52,199 --> 00:01:54,853 [horn blares] 22 00:01:54,897 --> 00:01:57,552 ♪♪ 23 00:01:58,857 --> 00:02:01,251 [typewriter keys typing] 24 00:02:01,295 --> 00:02:02,861 [man] Hector! 25 00:02:14,395 --> 00:02:16,484 God damn it, Hector! 26 00:02:16,527 --> 00:02:19,922 [Hector] Hey, taketh not the Lord's name in vain. 27 00:02:22,751 --> 00:02:24,927 [over loudspeaker] What happened, Harry? 28 00:02:24,970 --> 00:02:29,323 I rolled over on him when you guys woke me up. 29 00:02:29,366 --> 00:02:32,021 I didn't know he was in the bed and he bit me! 30 00:02:33,065 --> 00:02:35,024 You bite him back? 31 00:02:35,067 --> 00:02:38,158 Look, I'm sorry about all the banging this early, 32 00:02:38,201 --> 00:02:39,942 all right, he's pushing us. 33 00:02:39,985 --> 00:02:42,988 And what does Mr. Lapham require today? 34 00:02:43,032 --> 00:02:45,077 The usual Harry, everything. 35 00:02:45,121 --> 00:02:47,732 You know, ten months is no time for a job this big 36 00:02:47,776 --> 00:02:49,995 and to top it all off, he's having a party now. 37 00:02:50,039 --> 00:02:51,345 [Harry] Ten months? 38 00:02:51,388 --> 00:02:54,217 Has it only been ten months? 39 00:02:57,220 --> 00:03:00,832 Morning, Hector. Your master's in a pissy mood this morning. 40 00:03:00,876 --> 00:03:03,270 [Hector] The Lord God is my master. 41 00:03:05,141 --> 00:03:06,490 [grunts] 42 00:03:09,101 --> 00:03:11,234 How goes the erection? 43 00:03:11,278 --> 00:03:15,107 He wants another floor. Four floors. 44 00:03:15,151 --> 00:03:20,156 Yeah, well that's because no one else has more than three. 45 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:24,073 So what do we have so far? 46 00:03:24,116 --> 00:03:26,684 A state of the art kitchen, 47 00:03:26,728 --> 00:03:29,426 a state of the art movie theater, 48 00:03:29,470 --> 00:03:30,949 a state of the art toilet? 49 00:03:30,993 --> 00:03:33,169 Twenty-six toilets, Harry. 50 00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,824 - [Harry] Are they all in bathrooms? - [chuckles] 51 00:03:35,867 --> 00:03:38,261 A sun deck, a moon deck, 52 00:03:38,305 --> 00:03:42,309 a hot tub, a cold tub, a pool to die for. 53 00:03:43,701 --> 00:03:46,313 You'll write a novel about it one day, Harry. 54 00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:49,707 [Hector] There's an idea. Do some writing for a change. 55 00:03:49,751 --> 00:03:51,318 Be quiet. 56 00:03:51,361 --> 00:03:53,145 [Hector] I am quiet. 57 00:03:53,189 --> 00:03:55,235 [radio scratching] 58 00:03:57,324 --> 00:04:01,197 [singing in foreign language] 59 00:04:03,068 --> 00:04:06,985 Hombres, good news. I just called ICE. 60 00:04:07,029 --> 00:04:10,511 - Har-- - Soon, you're gonna be able to ditch your girlfriends 61 00:04:10,554 --> 00:04:14,123 and go home to your wives and their mothers. 62 00:04:14,166 --> 00:04:16,125 [chuckles] 63 00:04:16,168 --> 00:04:18,432 Señor, señor, moment, moment. 64 00:04:18,475 --> 00:04:20,695 The men, we're betting on, how old you are. 65 00:04:20,738 --> 00:04:22,697 How old are you? Come on. 66 00:04:22,740 --> 00:04:25,395 One hundred and twelve. 67 00:04:25,439 --> 00:04:27,397 One hundred and twelve? 68 00:04:27,441 --> 00:04:30,226 Miguel, Miguel, you win, 112. 69 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:33,795 Hey, just get back to work, break's over. 70 00:04:33,838 --> 00:04:36,406 Listen, Harry, I'm glad to have the work, okay, 71 00:04:36,450 --> 00:04:40,062 but what the guy wants with 180,000 square feet, I don't know. 72 00:04:41,933 --> 00:04:44,893 I didn't make the world, I barely live in it. 73 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:49,985 Oscar Levant, Humoresque? 74 00:04:52,901 --> 00:04:55,904 Your son, Kevin, is the only person around here 75 00:04:55,947 --> 00:04:58,123 who knows anything about the past. 76 00:04:58,167 --> 00:05:00,300 [Hector] Except for you, Mr. Dead. 77 00:05:00,343 --> 00:05:03,390 So when's he cutting down the trees and ruining my view? 78 00:05:04,347 --> 00:05:06,001 Well, that's next week. 79 00:05:07,524 --> 00:05:10,745 Mr. March, how did Mr. Lapham make his money anyways? 80 00:05:10,788 --> 00:05:12,529 Jack. 81 00:05:12,573 --> 00:05:15,097 Asparagus tongs. 82 00:05:17,273 --> 00:05:21,059 His great grandfather invented the asparagus tongs. 83 00:05:21,103 --> 00:05:23,584 Then, he branched out. 84 00:05:23,627 --> 00:05:27,239 He made nutcrackers, he made lobster crackers, 85 00:05:27,283 --> 00:05:31,069 grape scissors, little spoons for escargot. 86 00:05:31,113 --> 00:05:34,203 His family makes a fortune from grasping. 87 00:05:36,118 --> 00:05:37,424 Does he work? 88 00:05:37,467 --> 00:05:40,296 He blogs. He writes aphorism. 89 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:45,214 Lapham's aphoms, drops one off every day for my crew. 90 00:05:45,257 --> 00:05:47,477 Listen to this one. 91 00:05:47,521 --> 00:05:51,829 "He does not promote himself will not be promoted." 92 00:05:51,873 --> 00:05:53,091 No shit. 93 00:05:53,135 --> 00:05:55,442 I like yesterday's better. 94 00:05:55,485 --> 00:05:57,139 "More is more." 95 00:05:57,182 --> 00:05:59,533 I memorized that one, Harry. 96 00:05:59,576 --> 00:06:03,145 [Hector] Ooh, that's a good one. 97 00:06:03,188 --> 00:06:04,494 [Kevin] Hang in there, Harry. 98 00:06:04,538 --> 00:06:07,062 The end is near. 99 00:06:07,105 --> 00:06:09,978 [Harry] As if I needed reminding. 100 00:06:10,021 --> 00:06:11,719 ♪♪ 101 00:06:11,762 --> 00:06:14,286 [narrator] Harry March, the last and the least 102 00:06:14,330 --> 00:06:16,724 of three generations of Marches 103 00:06:16,767 --> 00:06:20,292 who have lived year round on the once tranquil island 104 00:06:20,336 --> 00:06:23,557 in a once tranquil quogue. 105 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:26,037 Marches of the past reared strong 106 00:06:26,081 --> 00:06:28,431 and handsome families in this house, 107 00:06:28,475 --> 00:06:30,912 which was strong and handsome once 108 00:06:30,955 --> 00:06:33,131 as was its current resident. 109 00:07:02,334 --> 00:07:04,815 [Hector] Why are you going to Chautauqua again? 110 00:07:04,859 --> 00:07:06,600 I'm giving a lecture. 111 00:07:06,643 --> 00:07:09,777 I don't want to, but I already took their money. 112 00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:12,649 [Hector] Yippy, upstate New York. 113 00:07:12,693 --> 00:07:14,999 Why do people give lectures anyway? 114 00:07:15,043 --> 00:07:17,349 To hear themselves talk. 115 00:07:17,393 --> 00:07:19,613 [Hector] I forgot, what is this lecture about? 116 00:07:19,656 --> 00:07:22,267 It's on the meaning of the 20th century. 117 00:07:22,311 --> 00:07:24,618 I'm glad I didn't wait till the last minute. 118 00:07:24,661 --> 00:07:27,447 - [Hector] Can I hear it? - Sure. 119 00:07:27,490 --> 00:07:31,581 The 20th century, 100 years of progress. 120 00:07:31,625 --> 00:07:33,278 In early America, 121 00:07:33,322 --> 00:07:35,498 money alone couldn't buy a social position. 122 00:07:35,542 --> 00:07:38,066 Today, nobody cares. That's my lecture. 123 00:07:38,109 --> 00:07:41,373 You've been a wonderful audience. I'm here till doomsday. 124 00:07:41,417 --> 00:07:44,594 Hey, isn't it about time for one of your daily naps? 125 00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:46,378 [Hector] Ah, you're such a cliché. 126 00:07:46,422 --> 00:07:49,469 I'm a cliché? What do you call a talking dog? 127 00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:51,122 [Hector, sighing] Bite me. 128 00:07:51,166 --> 00:07:53,647 [Harry] Don't tempt me. 129 00:07:53,690 --> 00:07:55,692 [typewriter keys typing] 130 00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:02,046 [narrator] Harry had just one more item 131 00:08:02,090 --> 00:08:06,181 and his furtive masterpiece was all but complete. 132 00:08:08,357 --> 00:08:10,751 Harry loathed the mainland, 133 00:08:10,794 --> 00:08:14,711 the people, the exercise, the whole experience. 134 00:08:14,755 --> 00:08:16,887 He did all he could to avoid it. 135 00:08:16,931 --> 00:08:20,151 But today, Harry had a reason. 136 00:08:20,195 --> 00:08:22,240 It was a necessary disruption 137 00:08:22,284 --> 00:08:26,506 to the usual isolation and quiet that he cherished. 138 00:08:26,549 --> 00:08:30,640 Harry March was a man on a mission. 139 00:08:30,684 --> 00:08:33,382 [Hector] So tell me about Southampton. 140 00:08:33,425 --> 00:08:36,037 [Harry] Noise and gossip. 141 00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,561 [Hector] And West Hampton? 142 00:08:38,605 --> 00:08:41,172 [Harry] Noise and gossip and dentists. 143 00:08:41,216 --> 00:08:42,783 [Hector] So what about East Hampton? 144 00:08:42,826 --> 00:08:44,480 - Noise and gossip. - [Hector] That's it? 145 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:47,570 Mr. March! Mr. March! 146 00:08:47,614 --> 00:08:50,007 Skippy Brewster from the club. 147 00:08:50,051 --> 00:08:52,053 Ah, yes, the club. 148 00:08:52,096 --> 00:08:53,794 We'd love for you to join, Mr. March. 149 00:08:53,837 --> 00:08:55,622 You know the door's always open for you. 150 00:08:55,665 --> 00:08:57,711 My gerulaitis, it's a killer. 151 00:08:57,754 --> 00:09:00,104 Oh, well, uh, we're forming a committee 152 00:09:00,148 --> 00:09:04,195 to stop the Shinnecocks from opening a casino down there in Southampton. 153 00:09:04,239 --> 00:09:08,286 We're calling it the citizens opposing the casino or COC. 154 00:09:09,853 --> 00:09:11,028 COC? 155 00:09:12,769 --> 00:09:15,598 We'd like to have you sign a petition, Mr. March. 156 00:09:15,642 --> 00:09:16,860 You can count on me. 157 00:09:16,904 --> 00:09:18,688 Great, you know they're really awful. 158 00:09:18,732 --> 00:09:22,039 They claim they own the land around here, they always do. 159 00:09:23,475 --> 00:09:25,390 Quite frankly, Mr. March, 160 00:09:25,434 --> 00:09:26,957 I don't think they're real Indians. 161 00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:29,264 I think they're something worse. 162 00:09:29,307 --> 00:09:33,660 Worse than Indians? You mean Mexicans and Muslims? 163 00:09:33,703 --> 00:09:36,227 Nice to know you're with us, Mr. March. 164 00:09:36,271 --> 00:09:38,055 Ahoy. 165 00:09:38,099 --> 00:09:40,623 Asshole. 166 00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:42,712 [Hector] What do Hamptonites do in the daytime? 167 00:09:42,756 --> 00:09:45,106 They speak of their careers. 168 00:09:45,149 --> 00:09:46,324 [Hector] Why do they do that? 169 00:09:46,368 --> 00:09:48,022 Makes them happy. 170 00:09:48,065 --> 00:09:50,502 Sometimes they even advance their careers 171 00:09:50,546 --> 00:09:52,592 by speaking to other Hamptonites. 172 00:09:52,635 --> 00:09:53,767 That's why they live here. 173 00:09:53,810 --> 00:09:55,464 [Hector] Oh, that's nice. 174 00:09:55,507 --> 00:09:57,205 It's not nice. 175 00:09:57,248 --> 00:10:00,295 None of this is nice. 176 00:10:00,338 --> 00:10:02,340 [Hector] But isn't a career important? 177 00:10:02,384 --> 00:10:05,692 Not when it interferes with a life. 178 00:10:05,735 --> 00:10:08,303 [Hector] What else do Hamptonites do in the daytime? 179 00:10:08,346 --> 00:10:11,306 - They make themselves beautiful. - [Hector] And what else? 180 00:10:11,349 --> 00:10:14,918 They prepare to attend parties or throw parties. 181 00:10:14,962 --> 00:10:16,224 [Hector] And what else? 182 00:10:16,267 --> 00:10:18,487 They dream up great works. 183 00:10:18,530 --> 00:10:19,967 [Hector] What becomes of them? 184 00:10:20,010 --> 00:10:21,446 Nothing. 185 00:10:21,490 --> 00:10:23,100 [Hector] And what else? 186 00:10:23,144 --> 00:10:25,929 They hope other Hamptonites are thinking of them. 187 00:10:25,973 --> 00:10:27,844 They hope everyone is thinking well of them. 188 00:10:27,888 --> 00:10:29,672 [Hector] And are they? 189 00:10:29,716 --> 00:10:31,326 No and no. 190 00:10:31,369 --> 00:10:33,807 [Hector] Are there any poor people in the Hamptons? 191 00:10:33,850 --> 00:10:36,331 Yes, but they're not allowed out. 192 00:10:36,374 --> 00:10:38,899 [Hector] What about Kevin? Is he rich, too? 193 00:10:38,942 --> 00:10:41,728 Kevin? No Kevin works for a living. 194 00:10:41,771 --> 00:10:44,034 [Hector] Like you? [chuckles] Tell me. 195 00:10:45,949 --> 00:10:47,647 [sighs] 196 00:10:51,563 --> 00:10:53,478 So? 197 00:10:53,522 --> 00:10:56,046 Don't worry about the Hamptons. 198 00:10:56,090 --> 00:10:58,222 They're all the same. 199 00:10:58,266 --> 00:11:01,661 The same shops, the same roads, 200 00:11:01,704 --> 00:11:04,838 the same geraniums in the same pots, 201 00:11:04,881 --> 00:11:09,799 - same sub-zero refrigerators and wolf stoves... - [Hector] Uh-huh. 202 00:11:09,843 --> 00:11:12,149 ...same shellacked faces... 203 00:11:12,193 --> 00:11:13,368 [Hector] Yeah. 204 00:11:13,411 --> 00:11:16,197 ...same opinions on the same issues, 205 00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:18,025 same hummus on the same chips. 206 00:11:18,068 --> 00:11:20,418 [Hector] Oh no, no, not another lecture. 207 00:11:20,462 --> 00:11:23,334 Can't you just save it for the Chappaquiddicks? 208 00:11:23,378 --> 00:11:26,424 You brought up the subject so you get the subject. 209 00:11:26,468 --> 00:11:29,036 [Hector] I was only trying to pass the time pleasantly 210 00:11:29,079 --> 00:11:30,602 on a summer's day. 211 00:11:33,301 --> 00:11:35,085 The Hamptons are all the same 212 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:39,960 and all the world wants what the Hamptons have 213 00:11:40,003 --> 00:11:44,355 so that it too can have everything and be empty at the core. 214 00:11:44,399 --> 00:11:47,532 And you know who embodies and symbolizes, 215 00:11:47,576 --> 00:11:52,189 generates and perpetuates this universal vacuity? 216 00:11:52,233 --> 00:11:55,018 [Hector] I do, but you're going to tell me anyway, aren't you? 217 00:11:55,062 --> 00:11:57,891 Correct, Lapham. 218 00:12:00,154 --> 00:12:02,896 [Hector] No, you're kidding. 219 00:12:02,939 --> 00:12:05,028 You're very annoying, you know? 220 00:12:05,072 --> 00:12:08,379 [Hector] We're both very annoying. That's why we're friends. 221 00:12:08,423 --> 00:12:10,077 [Harry] Are we friends? 222 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,905 [Hector] Of course, we're friends. 223 00:12:16,518 --> 00:12:19,564 You have a package for Harry March? 224 00:12:19,608 --> 00:12:20,914 You order the horse hair? 225 00:12:20,957 --> 00:12:22,045 Yes, do you have it? 226 00:12:22,089 --> 00:12:24,091 I've got it, all right. 227 00:12:30,619 --> 00:12:33,578 Mind if I ask what you're going to do with horse hair? 228 00:12:33,622 --> 00:12:35,145 I'm building a horse. 229 00:12:39,062 --> 00:12:41,586 [typewriter keys typing] 230 00:12:41,630 --> 00:12:45,112 ♪♪ 231 00:12:51,858 --> 00:12:55,122 [Hector] Hey Harry, it's Kathy time. 232 00:12:55,165 --> 00:12:56,688 Kathy time. 233 00:13:01,432 --> 00:13:02,782 Kathy time. 234 00:13:03,870 --> 00:13:06,176 It's Kathy time! 235 00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:08,091 [speaking in foreign language] 236 00:13:08,135 --> 00:13:10,006 [narrator] At this moment in the Hamptons, 237 00:13:10,050 --> 00:13:12,182 not a single nail is nailed. 238 00:13:12,226 --> 00:13:15,185 No one gives kudos or draws raves. 239 00:13:15,229 --> 00:13:17,405 No one plans a benefit dinner. 240 00:13:17,448 --> 00:13:20,234 Nothing makes a sound. 241 00:13:20,277 --> 00:13:23,367 The universe lies in respectful silence 242 00:13:23,411 --> 00:13:27,545 as sex and commerce find their apogee 243 00:13:27,589 --> 00:13:30,940 in Kathy Polite's morning swim. 244 00:13:32,072 --> 00:13:34,161 Morning, Miss Polite. 245 00:13:34,204 --> 00:13:39,383 That's Polite, as you perfectly well know, Wrinkles. 246 00:13:39,427 --> 00:13:40,950 I apologize. 247 00:13:40,994 --> 00:13:42,778 I was just trying to be polite. 248 00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:45,955 Huh, you're terrible, Harry. 249 00:13:45,999 --> 00:13:49,176 I don't know why I bother to pedal over to you. 250 00:13:49,219 --> 00:13:53,876 I'll never sell you anything, you old skin flint. 251 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:57,445 [Hector] Why do all the men around here stop whatever they're doing every morning 252 00:13:57,488 --> 00:13:59,055 to watch Miss Polite? 253 00:13:59,099 --> 00:14:00,578 What's it called? 254 00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:04,060 - [jazzy music playing] - Skinny dipping. 255 00:14:04,104 --> 00:14:07,455 [Hector] That's how she advertises her real estate business? 256 00:14:07,498 --> 00:14:10,284 It's more cost effective than sending out brochures. 257 00:14:10,327 --> 00:14:12,852 [Hector] Is this what they call an open house? 258 00:14:12,895 --> 00:14:14,679 In a way. 259 00:14:17,378 --> 00:14:22,339 [Hector] It draws a lot of attention, this skinny dipping. Why don't I get it? 260 00:14:24,080 --> 00:14:26,474 We took care of that a long time ago. 261 00:14:27,431 --> 00:14:28,824 [Kathy] Hi boys. 262 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,305 [Boys] Hi. 263 00:14:32,959 --> 00:14:35,831 Harry, you need some new clothes. 264 00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:39,139 And... you do not. 265 00:14:41,968 --> 00:14:44,187 Why don't you join me today, Wrinkles? 266 00:14:44,231 --> 00:14:47,669 Well, I haven't got the time. I gotta go wash my duck. 267 00:14:47,712 --> 00:14:50,890 You're what? [mock gasp] Oh, I'm shocked. 268 00:14:52,239 --> 00:14:53,980 What's wrong with your ear, Harry? 269 00:14:54,023 --> 00:14:56,417 Did you pull a Van Gogh? 270 00:14:56,460 --> 00:15:01,074 Yeah, buttercup, I cut it off as a passionate gesture of love for you. 271 00:15:01,117 --> 00:15:03,380 Actually, I was trying to cut my throat. 272 00:15:03,424 --> 00:15:06,166 Not if I get there first. 273 00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:07,515 Mmmm. 274 00:15:13,042 --> 00:15:14,957 You ought to unload this place, Harry. 275 00:15:15,001 --> 00:15:16,959 Why don't you get back to work? 276 00:15:17,003 --> 00:15:19,570 You really oughta sell, you know? 277 00:15:19,614 --> 00:15:24,488 You may be worthless but this island, what do you call it? 278 00:15:24,532 --> 00:15:26,403 - Noman. - That's right. 279 00:15:26,447 --> 00:15:30,407 So if anyone ever asks, has anyone ever asked yet? 280 00:15:31,887 --> 00:15:34,455 Don't forget the bottoms, honey. 281 00:15:34,498 --> 00:15:39,199 Oh really, Harry, your family's been here, what, 282 00:15:39,242 --> 00:15:41,636 since the Puritans? 283 00:15:41,679 --> 00:15:44,595 Don't you think it's time for a change? 284 00:15:44,639 --> 00:15:46,902 Spread your wings, Wrinkles. 285 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:49,731 You should be more ambitious like Mr. Lapham. 286 00:15:49,774 --> 00:15:51,211 Have you met him? 287 00:15:52,734 --> 00:15:55,998 As yet, I've not had the honor of his acquaintance, 288 00:15:56,042 --> 00:15:58,783 but I'm very pleased to say that that situation 289 00:15:58,827 --> 00:16:02,222 will be remedied this evening at his party. 290 00:16:02,265 --> 00:16:03,614 Are you invited? 291 00:16:03,658 --> 00:16:05,747 No. 292 00:16:05,790 --> 00:16:08,228 Well I shall shake his hand warmly and say, 293 00:16:08,271 --> 00:16:10,447 "It is people like you, sir, 294 00:16:10,491 --> 00:16:13,407 who make the Hamptons the Hamptons." 295 00:16:13,450 --> 00:16:16,279 You said it. 296 00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:18,064 [Hector] I love the Hamptons. 297 00:16:18,107 --> 00:16:21,806 Me too, sometimes, 298 00:16:21,850 --> 00:16:24,940 and this is about to be one of those times 299 00:16:26,898 --> 00:16:29,727 Mmm mmm, there you go, honey. 300 00:16:41,087 --> 00:16:43,263 [water splashing] 301 00:16:46,918 --> 00:16:48,703 9.9! 302 00:16:52,228 --> 00:16:54,056 All right, fellas, go back to work, come on. 303 00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:56,015 ♪♪ 304 00:16:56,058 --> 00:16:58,452 [typewriter keys typing] 305 00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:03,761 [distant machine noises] 306 00:17:15,904 --> 00:17:18,515 [panting] 307 00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:33,400 Let's give it a go. 308 00:17:34,749 --> 00:17:36,403 Okay, let's try. 309 00:17:40,407 --> 00:17:42,757 [machine humming] 310 00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,150 Ready? 311 00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:46,935 Uno, 312 00:17:46,978 --> 00:17:48,328 dos, 313 00:17:48,371 --> 00:17:50,156 tres! 314 00:17:50,199 --> 00:17:53,681 [machine whirring] 315 00:18:03,038 --> 00:18:05,258 [machine clatters] 316 00:18:09,697 --> 00:18:10,698 Jose! 317 00:18:14,876 --> 00:18:16,791 [machine clatters] 318 00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:18,314 [barking] 319 00:18:18,358 --> 00:18:20,751 Stop! Stop! 320 00:18:22,318 --> 00:18:25,626 [Hector] Praise the Lord, it's the rapture! 321 00:18:27,410 --> 00:18:29,456 - [machine shuts off] - Stop! 322 00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:33,242 Harry, sorry, I meant to warn ya. 323 00:18:33,286 --> 00:18:35,592 Sorry Harry, but we have to give it a test. 324 00:18:35,636 --> 00:18:36,898 What is that thing? 325 00:18:36,941 --> 00:18:38,682 [Jack] It's a Tillis Blowhard. 326 00:18:38,726 --> 00:18:41,250 It's the most powerful air conditioner ever built. 327 00:18:41,294 --> 00:18:43,165 A Telis what? 328 00:18:43,209 --> 00:18:46,821 Tillis, Harry, Tillis, rhymes with Phyllis. 329 00:18:46,864 --> 00:18:52,000 [shouting] Well, why the fuck does it have to be so loud? 330 00:18:52,043 --> 00:18:54,829 The power, it not only cools the house, 331 00:18:54,872 --> 00:18:56,570 it cools the whole property too. 332 00:18:56,613 --> 00:19:00,791 It's brand new, Mr. Lapham has the first one in the whole world. 333 00:19:00,835 --> 00:19:03,054 What do you mean it cools the whole property? 334 00:19:03,098 --> 00:19:05,753 You mean it cools the air outside the house? 335 00:19:05,796 --> 00:19:08,059 [Kevin] Exactly, the thermostat is so sensitive 336 00:19:08,103 --> 00:19:10,888 that whenever the temperature around Lapham's house 337 00:19:10,932 --> 00:19:13,326 rises by even a degree over 65, 338 00:19:13,369 --> 00:19:16,111 it pumps cold air through the blower 339 00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:17,895 with the force of a hurricane. 340 00:19:17,939 --> 00:19:19,897 I've never seen anything like it, Harry. 341 00:19:19,941 --> 00:19:21,943 The whole enchilada. [chuckles] 342 00:19:21,986 --> 00:19:25,512 Did you really just say that? 343 00:19:25,555 --> 00:19:28,776 He's amazing. You know, the more he has, the more he wants, 344 00:19:28,819 --> 00:19:32,823 a bowling alley, a chapel, a bomb shelter, 345 00:19:32,867 --> 00:19:34,608 more is more, Harry. 346 00:19:34,651 --> 00:19:38,264 ♪♪ 347 00:19:45,662 --> 00:19:48,274 [sighs] 348 00:19:48,317 --> 00:19:51,277 The biggest house with the biggest everything 349 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,104 now also has a contraption 350 00:19:53,148 --> 00:19:55,846 that alters the very air we breathe, 351 00:19:55,890 --> 00:19:57,631 or Lapham breathes. 352 00:19:57,674 --> 00:19:59,807 Now do you get it? 353 00:19:59,850 --> 00:20:03,724 [Hector] An outdoor air conditioner, hm, sounds cool to me. 354 00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:08,381 What I am telling you, my holy rolling friend, 355 00:20:08,424 --> 00:20:10,818 is the force that nearly deafened you 356 00:20:10,861 --> 00:20:14,256 is the force that's destroying the 21st century. 357 00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:16,215 [Hector] You're just anti-conservative. 358 00:20:16,258 --> 00:20:18,521 People in the Hamptons hate conservatives, 359 00:20:18,565 --> 00:20:21,045 but everybody will be conservative eventually. 360 00:20:21,089 --> 00:20:22,960 That's what I think. 361 00:20:23,004 --> 00:20:24,832 Well, don't waste that wisdom on me. 362 00:20:24,875 --> 00:20:28,357 Be a true evangelical, go door to door. 363 00:20:28,401 --> 00:20:31,012 [Hector] In the same house? 364 00:20:31,055 --> 00:20:34,276 - But why can't we have both? - Both what? 365 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:37,497 [Hector] Why can't we have riches on Earth and riches in paradise? 366 00:20:37,540 --> 00:20:40,021 I say aim for the skies. 367 00:20:42,458 --> 00:20:46,810 - That's the plan, my friend. - [phone ringing] 368 00:20:46,854 --> 00:20:49,770 [Hector] And that is my cue. 369 00:20:50,466 --> 00:20:53,295 [phone ringing] 370 00:20:53,339 --> 00:20:56,820 ♪♪ 371 00:21:00,128 --> 00:21:02,086 [groans] 372 00:21:13,794 --> 00:21:18,929 Oh, Chautauquans, if only I could preach to you now, 373 00:21:18,973 --> 00:21:21,541 I would tell you to repent. 374 00:21:21,584 --> 00:21:23,804 I would urge you to acknowledge 375 00:21:23,847 --> 00:21:28,939 that your most valuable property is not real estate, 376 00:21:28,983 --> 00:21:31,246 it is imagined estate, 377 00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:35,294 which is not now and never was for sale. 378 00:21:42,605 --> 00:21:45,304 [typewriter keys typing] 379 00:21:46,609 --> 00:21:49,743 [tapping in keys] 380 00:21:54,008 --> 00:21:58,447 Dear progeny, thank you for your messages. 381 00:21:58,491 --> 00:22:01,755 I can assure you there is no cause for alarm. 382 00:22:01,798 --> 00:22:05,411 Please calm your mother as well if that is possible. 383 00:22:05,454 --> 00:22:07,369 It will please your all to learn 384 00:22:07,413 --> 00:22:10,241 that I'm coming to the end of a new undertaking 385 00:22:10,285 --> 00:22:13,288 that will not only gratify me personally, 386 00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:15,551 but when viewed in the proper light 387 00:22:15,595 --> 00:22:19,033 will also save much of civilization 388 00:22:19,076 --> 00:22:21,775 now and for years to come. 389 00:22:21,818 --> 00:22:24,081 Love, Dad. 390 00:22:24,125 --> 00:22:26,301 That should delay everyone's fears. 391 00:22:29,609 --> 00:22:31,393 [Hector] I miss Chloe. 392 00:22:31,437 --> 00:22:33,090 You hated her and she hated you. 393 00:22:33,134 --> 00:22:34,570 [Hector] She adored me. 394 00:22:34,614 --> 00:22:36,964 With Chloe, we had a little life around here. 395 00:22:37,007 --> 00:22:39,096 A little too much from my tastes. 396 00:22:39,140 --> 00:22:41,011 [Hector] So why did you marry her? 397 00:22:41,055 --> 00:22:45,059 Because she had a lovely soul, still does. 398 00:22:45,102 --> 00:22:47,496 [Hector] Then why did she marry you? 399 00:22:53,807 --> 00:22:56,026 - [Harry] I don't feel so good. - [Chloe] You're fine, you're fine. 400 00:22:56,070 --> 00:22:58,028 You've just got the vapors 'cause you don't want to go. 401 00:22:58,072 --> 00:23:00,074 - I don't want to go. - That's right. Well, guess what? 402 00:23:00,117 --> 00:23:01,684 Get over it 'cause you're going and that's that. 403 00:23:01,728 --> 00:23:03,338 Oh. 404 00:23:03,382 --> 00:23:06,036 Once we get there, please, don't just act like a zombie. 405 00:23:06,080 --> 00:23:08,212 I mean most of these people are perfectly nice. 406 00:23:08,256 --> 00:23:10,867 If you spent more time with real human beings 407 00:23:10,911 --> 00:23:13,435 than with that dog, this stuff wouldn't get under your skin. 408 00:23:13,479 --> 00:23:16,482 - I hate the Bitterman's, I hate the club. - You hate everybody. 409 00:23:16,525 --> 00:23:19,528 Every year, it's the same party, the same people, 410 00:23:19,572 --> 00:23:23,967 the same food, paella and beef tornadoes. 411 00:23:24,011 --> 00:23:26,492 - Tournedos. - Well, they taste like tornadoes. 412 00:23:26,535 --> 00:23:30,496 Hey, surf and turf, everybody, surf and turf. 413 00:23:30,539 --> 00:23:31,497 Just mingle. 414 00:23:31,540 --> 00:23:33,020 Just mingle? 415 00:23:50,211 --> 00:23:52,256 [indistinct chatter] 416 00:23:52,300 --> 00:23:53,910 I told you I can't afford it. 417 00:23:53,954 --> 00:23:56,217 Okay, you've got ten SUNY schools and you got LIU. 418 00:23:56,260 --> 00:23:58,698 Yeah, but they're not NYU though. 419 00:23:58,741 --> 00:24:01,614 Jack, I can't afford it. I... 420 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:09,143 ♪♪ 421 00:24:53,709 --> 00:24:57,104 Good morning, Dr. J, wish me luck. 422 00:24:57,147 --> 00:24:58,801 [Hector] How can you live this way? 423 00:24:58,845 --> 00:25:01,369 A library consisting of just one book? 424 00:25:01,412 --> 00:25:03,676 If I had one book in my library, 425 00:25:03,719 --> 00:25:05,982 it wouldn't be Samuel Johnson, I'll tell you that. 426 00:25:06,026 --> 00:25:09,203 It would be the Good Book. 427 00:25:09,246 --> 00:25:11,597 The Vanity of Human Wishes is all I need. 428 00:25:11,640 --> 00:25:13,555 [Hector] Dr. Johnson was always right. 429 00:25:13,599 --> 00:25:16,471 Yes, yes, I wouldn't know about that, I've never read him. 430 00:25:16,515 --> 00:25:18,778 You've never read anything. 431 00:25:18,821 --> 00:25:20,910 [Hector] What kind of doctor was he anyways? 432 00:25:20,954 --> 00:25:23,870 He was a veterinarian and he gave dogs shots, 433 00:25:23,913 --> 00:25:25,524 very painful shots. 434 00:25:25,567 --> 00:25:27,482 [Hector] Ay, and tell me again, 435 00:25:27,526 --> 00:25:29,745 what exactly is so great about him? 436 00:25:31,442 --> 00:25:32,618 Reason. 437 00:25:34,010 --> 00:25:37,144 Not romanticism, reason. 438 00:25:37,187 --> 00:25:39,929 Romantics ruin the world. 439 00:25:39,973 --> 00:25:42,976 Reason, honor, principle. 440 00:25:43,019 --> 00:25:45,239 [Hector] And where do honor and principle 441 00:25:45,282 --> 00:25:47,154 and reason get you? 442 00:25:47,197 --> 00:25:50,287 Look at this place. You're rich enough to live like a king. 443 00:25:50,331 --> 00:25:54,291 That novel about the college, a huge bestseller. 444 00:25:54,335 --> 00:25:56,598 - I'm not rich. - [Hector] Sure you are. 445 00:25:56,642 --> 00:25:58,687 There's tons of cash laying around the house. 446 00:25:58,731 --> 00:26:00,167 You should put it in a bank. 447 00:26:00,210 --> 00:26:03,300 You're gonna lose it all, mark my words. 448 00:26:03,344 --> 00:26:06,260 a fire, a flood, one day, poof. 449 00:26:06,303 --> 00:26:08,523 You should spend some of that money. 450 00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:10,917 And on whom would I spend it? 451 00:26:12,614 --> 00:26:14,268 I'm not gonna spend it on you. 452 00:26:14,311 --> 00:26:16,183 [Hector] Ay, what's the big deal? 453 00:26:16,226 --> 00:26:19,447 Isn't Mr. Lapham doing what everyone is supposed to do, 454 00:26:19,490 --> 00:26:21,318 making something of himself? 455 00:26:22,668 --> 00:26:24,887 You can make too much of yourself. 456 00:26:25,801 --> 00:26:27,368 [man] Mr. March! 457 00:26:27,411 --> 00:26:29,762 ♪♪ 458 00:26:32,112 --> 00:26:33,635 Oh, it's Mr. Krento. 459 00:26:36,507 --> 00:26:38,205 Mr. March! 460 00:26:38,248 --> 00:26:40,555 [narrator] Though Harry has never had direct communication 461 00:26:40,599 --> 00:26:43,079 with Mr. Lapham, 462 00:26:43,123 --> 00:26:47,606 Harry exchanges daily notes to Mr. Lapham's executive secretary, 463 00:26:47,649 --> 00:26:49,259 Damienal Krento. 464 00:26:54,264 --> 00:26:57,224 Hello, Mr. March, I have a letter for you, sir. 465 00:26:57,267 --> 00:27:00,183 [narrator] They trade notes ferried back and forth 466 00:27:00,227 --> 00:27:03,491 on Harry's toy motorboat named Sharon, 467 00:27:03,534 --> 00:27:05,754 a female version of Charon 468 00:27:05,798 --> 00:27:09,236 named after the grizzly old sailor in Greek mythology 469 00:27:09,279 --> 00:27:12,892 who ferried the dead across the River Styx in the underworld. 470 00:27:18,767 --> 00:27:20,900 [Damienal] "Mr. Lapham has instructed me to inquire 471 00:27:20,943 --> 00:27:22,684 if you'll be joining us this evening for dinner 472 00:27:22,728 --> 00:27:24,773 at his new residence across the creek from your own. 473 00:27:24,817 --> 00:27:27,341 With highest regards, yours sincerely, 474 00:27:27,384 --> 00:27:30,866 Damienal Krento, personal assistant to Mr. Lapham." 475 00:27:33,129 --> 00:27:36,132 I'd be delighted to come to dinner 476 00:27:36,176 --> 00:27:38,004 at Mr. Lapham's, Mr. Krento. 477 00:27:38,047 --> 00:27:39,701 Should I bring my own wine? 478 00:27:39,745 --> 00:27:41,529 Oh, uh, no. 479 00:27:41,572 --> 00:27:45,489 Mr. Lapham has the largest wine cellar in all of the Hamptons. 480 00:27:45,533 --> 00:27:51,582 Mr. Krento, is there a dress code at Mr. Lapham's dinner? 481 00:27:51,626 --> 00:27:52,801 I don't have a thing to wear. 482 00:27:52,845 --> 00:27:56,109 Oh, I have a nice fuchsia sweater. 483 00:27:56,152 --> 00:27:57,980 Should I wear it tied around my shoulders? 484 00:27:58,024 --> 00:28:00,287 I've seen men in the Hamptons do that. 485 00:28:00,330 --> 00:28:02,289 Afraid I'm not sure. 486 00:28:02,332 --> 00:28:04,987 How 'bout my loafers, with or without socks? 487 00:28:05,031 --> 00:28:09,035 - Really, it doesn't matter. - Now, what about dinner table conversation? 488 00:28:09,078 --> 00:28:10,863 - What should we talk about? - Excuse me, sorry. 489 00:28:10,906 --> 00:28:14,301 That absolutely riveting piece in Harper's 490 00:28:14,344 --> 00:28:17,086 about soccer moms in Mozambique 491 00:28:17,130 --> 00:28:19,959 or that hilarious piece in the Times 492 00:28:20,002 --> 00:28:22,918 about people who look like their pets? 493 00:28:24,354 --> 00:28:27,444 I'm sure you can talk about anything you like. 494 00:28:27,488 --> 00:28:30,665 I like New York in June, Mr. Krento, how about you? 495 00:28:32,798 --> 00:28:36,062 And then another thing, how to greet the other guests? 496 00:28:36,105 --> 00:28:38,325 Should I say, "There he is!"? 497 00:28:38,368 --> 00:28:40,196 Um, well-- 498 00:28:40,240 --> 00:28:42,416 Or maybe I should say, "There she is." 499 00:28:42,459 --> 00:28:45,767 Mr. March, sir, I shall tell Mr. and Mrs. Lapham 500 00:28:45,811 --> 00:28:46,768 that you'll be there. 501 00:28:46,812 --> 00:28:48,422 They'll be so pleased. 502 00:28:48,465 --> 00:28:51,425 Oh, I'll be so pleased too, Mr. Krento. 503 00:28:51,468 --> 00:28:53,035 [Damienal] Yes, goodbye, sir. 504 00:28:54,384 --> 00:28:55,516 Bye. 505 00:28:57,953 --> 00:29:01,522 [Hector] You're not really going to Mr. Lapham's dinner party, are you? 506 00:29:01,565 --> 00:29:05,874 Remember what happened the last time you went to a dinner party? 507 00:29:07,615 --> 00:29:09,269 There isn't gonna be a dinner party. 508 00:29:09,312 --> 00:29:11,053 ♪♪ 509 00:29:11,097 --> 00:29:14,143 [typewriter keys typing] 510 00:29:14,187 --> 00:29:18,147 P... please for my sake, just behave yourself tonight, would you? 511 00:29:18,191 --> 00:29:20,584 The sacrifices I make for love. 512 00:29:20,628 --> 00:29:22,195 Exactly. 513 00:29:23,370 --> 00:29:24,937 - Hey Jack. - Hey. 514 00:29:29,115 --> 00:29:31,247 [women chuckle] 515 00:29:31,291 --> 00:29:32,771 The Rocky Horror Show? 516 00:29:32,814 --> 00:29:34,685 Eh, Night of the Living Dead. 517 00:29:34,729 --> 00:29:36,035 You want to switch places? 518 00:29:36,078 --> 00:29:37,776 I would but I'm working. 519 00:29:39,255 --> 00:29:41,170 Is there anything I can do for you, Mr. March? 520 00:29:41,214 --> 00:29:43,346 You can tell me how you're doing at school. 521 00:29:43,390 --> 00:29:44,826 I'm okay. 522 00:29:44,870 --> 00:29:47,481 I don't really know where it's getting me though. 523 00:29:47,524 --> 00:29:49,483 Nowhere, of course. 524 00:29:49,526 --> 00:29:51,528 Your father's very proud of you, Jack. 525 00:29:51,572 --> 00:29:53,617 Surf and turf, everybody! 526 00:29:53,661 --> 00:29:55,794 [people clapping] 527 00:30:00,886 --> 00:30:03,540 [Jack] Who are all these people, Mr. March? 528 00:30:03,584 --> 00:30:06,500 You mean to tell me you've never been to a Hamptons dinner party? 529 00:30:06,543 --> 00:30:10,243 This is your first Hamptons dinner party? 530 00:30:10,286 --> 00:30:16,292 Well, catch, let me be your host. 531 00:30:16,336 --> 00:30:17,772 Go ahead. 532 00:30:17,816 --> 00:30:20,340 [classical music playing] 533 00:30:20,383 --> 00:30:22,124 Mr. March, Jeff Jefferson, 534 00:30:22,168 --> 00:30:24,823 - I provided the Margaux for the party. - Congratulations. 535 00:30:24,866 --> 00:30:28,870 If it's not a big imposition, my wife has started writing. 536 00:30:28,914 --> 00:30:30,872 We were hoping you could read her novel. 537 00:30:30,916 --> 00:30:34,006 I could, but I wouldn't, bad case of parsimony, 538 00:30:34,049 --> 00:30:35,094 just tell her to keep at it. 539 00:30:35,137 --> 00:30:37,748 Mm-hm. 540 00:30:37,792 --> 00:30:40,142 Well, well, what have we here? 541 00:30:40,186 --> 00:30:43,276 Harry Marsh, the man who wasn't there. 542 00:30:43,319 --> 00:30:46,540 And Mr. Vandersnook, the man who's always here. 543 00:30:46,583 --> 00:30:49,891 Don't drink the Margaux, it's shit. 544 00:30:55,288 --> 00:30:56,942 Oh, God. 545 00:30:57,943 --> 00:31:01,468 [indistinct chatter] 546 00:31:06,168 --> 00:31:08,910 [Harry] As it's your first Hamptons dinner party, 547 00:31:08,954 --> 00:31:12,000 I should show you how things are arranged. 548 00:31:12,044 --> 00:31:13,610 There's the politicians table. 549 00:31:15,786 --> 00:31:19,660 Senator Gargen over there, just been indicted for fraud. 550 00:31:21,183 --> 00:31:22,924 There's the journalists table. 551 00:31:22,968 --> 00:31:26,841 Chip McDonald writes about something, I don't know what. 552 00:31:28,277 --> 00:31:31,628 The dandy is Arthur Arthur, the gossip publisher. 553 00:31:32,978 --> 00:31:34,240 Isn't that...? 554 00:31:34,283 --> 00:31:37,069 Yes, that's Bobo de Pleasure, 555 00:31:37,112 --> 00:31:41,595 the conservative columnist with the liberal flare. 556 00:31:41,638 --> 00:31:45,338 Oh. That table over there? 557 00:31:46,643 --> 00:31:48,602 [Harry] That's the table for people 558 00:31:48,645 --> 00:31:51,518 who have the look of someone sitting in a whistle 559 00:31:51,561 --> 00:31:53,912 of a steamship when it went off. 560 00:31:53,955 --> 00:31:56,349 I better go take my seat. 561 00:31:57,741 --> 00:32:00,092 Do you remember the movie I told you to see 562 00:32:00,135 --> 00:32:02,007 about the sideshow in the circus? 563 00:32:02,050 --> 00:32:03,443 [chuckles] Freaks? 564 00:32:03,486 --> 00:32:06,359 Yeah, think about it. 565 00:32:07,229 --> 00:32:09,188 [chuckles] 566 00:32:09,231 --> 00:32:12,495 [narrator] So Harry took his favorite seat 567 00:32:12,539 --> 00:32:14,584 in his least favorite venue. 568 00:32:14,628 --> 00:32:17,848 He motioned for the barkeep to keep the Margaux coming. 569 00:32:17,892 --> 00:32:19,415 Though it was shit, 570 00:32:19,459 --> 00:32:21,765 it would suffice to help Harry drown out 571 00:32:21,809 --> 00:32:23,898 the rampant self-promotion 572 00:32:23,942 --> 00:32:27,946 and egomaniacal conversation going on around him. 573 00:32:27,989 --> 00:32:30,774 I do hope you're doing something for the wheels, Mr. March. 574 00:32:30,818 --> 00:32:34,430 [narrator] "What trouble are the wheels in?," Harry would ask. 575 00:32:34,474 --> 00:32:36,389 [woman] They are in very bad shape, 576 00:32:36,432 --> 00:32:38,391 and in 50 years, perhaps less, 577 00:32:38,434 --> 00:32:40,871 there will be no wheels left. 578 00:32:40,915 --> 00:32:42,612 What do you think of that? 579 00:32:44,658 --> 00:32:47,791 Well, what do you have to say? 580 00:32:49,358 --> 00:32:52,405 We must take care of the problem or not at all. 581 00:32:57,062 --> 00:33:01,109 It's so nice to have all our crowd together under one roof. 582 00:33:01,153 --> 00:33:04,634 As Yeats, the well known poet wrote, 583 00:33:04,678 --> 00:33:07,507 that "I had such friends." 584 00:33:07,550 --> 00:33:09,726 And now, I should like to raise a toast 585 00:33:09,770 --> 00:33:12,816 to my fabulously talented husband, Grady, 586 00:33:12,860 --> 00:33:15,080 who has just finished his book 587 00:33:15,123 --> 00:33:17,473 on the life of Luella Parsons. 588 00:33:18,474 --> 00:33:20,520 Oh, it's called Poop. 589 00:33:22,435 --> 00:33:26,004 And I will tell you it is absolutely fabulous. 590 00:33:26,047 --> 00:33:30,269 - [woman chuckles] - Labor of love. It's a labor of love. 591 00:33:30,312 --> 00:33:35,013 Oh, I... I have a great idea. 592 00:33:35,056 --> 00:33:38,799 Why doesn't everyone stand and tell us what new great thing 593 00:33:38,842 --> 00:33:41,193 he or she is doing? 594 00:33:41,236 --> 00:33:42,933 [applause] 595 00:33:42,977 --> 00:33:45,893 Who's first? Who wants to go first? 596 00:33:48,896 --> 00:33:51,029 I'm a bit embarrassed to report 597 00:33:51,072 --> 00:33:52,856 that the Barbadian government 598 00:33:52,900 --> 00:33:56,251 has decided to offer a two cent stamp with my picture on it. 599 00:33:58,036 --> 00:34:00,734 In the beginning, they wanted to put me on the one cent stamp, 600 00:34:00,777 --> 00:34:02,910 but I held out for the two. 601 00:34:02,953 --> 00:34:05,739 [group clapping] 602 00:34:08,524 --> 00:34:11,962 This hardly matters, 603 00:34:12,006 --> 00:34:15,140 but I'm probably within a year 604 00:34:15,183 --> 00:34:18,360 of completing my three volume study 605 00:34:18,404 --> 00:34:20,275 of the life of William McKinley. 606 00:34:20,319 --> 00:34:23,496 [people cheering and clapping] 607 00:34:23,539 --> 00:34:25,498 Isn't it splendid we live in a place 608 00:34:25,541 --> 00:34:27,674 where everyone writes a book? 609 00:34:27,717 --> 00:34:29,371 [laughter and applause] 610 00:34:29,415 --> 00:34:31,156 And you're next. 611 00:34:32,287 --> 00:34:34,028 I've written a book as well. 612 00:34:34,072 --> 00:34:37,336 It's called, Will I Ever Get a Seat at the Table?: 613 00:34:37,379 --> 00:34:39,816 A Gossip Publisher's Lament. 614 00:34:39,860 --> 00:34:41,731 [laughter and applause] 615 00:34:41,775 --> 00:34:44,299 You'll always have a seat at our table, Arthur. 616 00:34:46,519 --> 00:34:50,610 Well, everyone, according to a recent public opinion poll, 617 00:34:50,653 --> 00:34:55,136 I was voted as the friendliest senator in the Northeast. 618 00:34:55,180 --> 00:34:58,357 [people clapping] 619 00:35:03,927 --> 00:35:08,106 I would just like to say, I agree with all sides. 620 00:35:08,149 --> 00:35:10,108 [laughter] 621 00:35:11,674 --> 00:35:13,285 [tapping wine glass] 622 00:35:13,328 --> 00:35:17,027 In this austere company, my project may seem small, 623 00:35:17,071 --> 00:35:20,205 I know, but I should tell you to date, 624 00:35:20,248 --> 00:35:23,817 we have raised four million dollars for the wheels. 625 00:35:23,860 --> 00:35:26,907 - [gulping] - [applause] 626 00:35:28,909 --> 00:35:32,347 And what important projects have you done, Mr. March? 627 00:35:34,349 --> 00:35:37,961 [narrator] With the last drop of his shit Margaux consumed, 628 00:35:38,005 --> 00:35:41,008 Harry had long since lost any ability 629 00:35:41,051 --> 00:35:43,576 to moderate his docile instruction 630 00:35:43,619 --> 00:35:46,753 given to him by his beloved Chloe, 631 00:35:46,796 --> 00:35:50,539 and with a last sip, an idea popped in his head. 632 00:35:50,583 --> 00:35:53,281 ♪♪ 633 00:36:08,035 --> 00:36:11,212 [people mutter] 634 00:36:15,129 --> 00:36:16,609 [person sighs] 635 00:36:24,530 --> 00:36:25,835 That's it. 636 00:36:26,967 --> 00:36:28,403 We're going home. 637 00:36:34,409 --> 00:36:39,501 The wheels, she wanted to save the wheels. 638 00:36:43,157 --> 00:36:44,680 [car engine revving] 639 00:36:44,724 --> 00:36:47,074 ♪♪ 640 00:36:51,861 --> 00:36:53,994 [typewriter keys typing] 641 00:37:00,305 --> 00:37:01,871 [man] Mr. March! 642 00:37:01,915 --> 00:37:05,745 Hey, Larry, how are you guys doing? 643 00:37:05,788 --> 00:37:08,791 Pardon the intrusion, Harry, but we need your support. 644 00:37:08,835 --> 00:37:11,359 Oh, is this about the casino? 645 00:37:11,403 --> 00:37:13,666 Yes, are you with us? 646 00:37:13,709 --> 00:37:17,017 Yeah, sure, you can count on me. 647 00:37:17,060 --> 00:37:20,107 That COC committee says we'll ruin the area. 648 00:37:20,150 --> 00:37:24,329 Well, how can you? Don't you guys own most of the land around here? 649 00:37:24,372 --> 00:37:26,940 [Larry] Look, deer! 650 00:37:28,594 --> 00:37:30,770 It's a good sign, Harry, good sign. 651 00:37:31,988 --> 00:37:35,035 Yeah, that's a real good sign. 652 00:37:35,078 --> 00:37:37,820 Well, I guess the gods have spoken. 653 00:37:40,083 --> 00:37:41,955 Thanks for paddling by. 654 00:37:47,613 --> 00:37:49,919 - Hector! - [Hector] Uh... Huh? 655 00:37:51,269 --> 00:37:52,879 All right, what did you-- get down. 656 00:37:52,922 --> 00:37:54,663 - [Hector] What? - Get down. 657 00:37:54,707 --> 00:37:56,056 [Hector] Huh? 658 00:37:56,099 --> 00:37:58,014 What did you do with it? 659 00:37:59,146 --> 00:38:00,190 [Hector] With what? 660 00:38:00,234 --> 00:38:02,323 The horse hair. 661 00:38:04,369 --> 00:38:05,326 [Hector] Oh. 662 00:38:10,418 --> 00:38:12,594 - [Harry] Cough it up. - [Hector] I'm not a cat. 663 00:38:12,638 --> 00:38:14,683 You ate it, why? 664 00:38:14,727 --> 00:38:17,904 [Hector] Well, for one thing, I'll eat anything. 665 00:38:17,947 --> 00:38:21,124 But if you must know, I'm trying to save you from yourself. 666 00:38:21,168 --> 00:38:25,825 This crazy scheme of yours will mess up everything for both of us. 667 00:38:25,868 --> 00:38:27,957 I happen to like the way my life is. 668 00:38:28,697 --> 00:38:30,917 [phone ringing] 669 00:38:30,960 --> 00:38:32,266 Answer it for once. 670 00:38:35,704 --> 00:38:37,924 [phone continues ringing] 671 00:38:39,404 --> 00:38:41,580 I'm not finished with you. 672 00:38:41,623 --> 00:38:44,322 [phone continues ringing] 673 00:38:54,375 --> 00:38:56,682 - Hello? - [Chloe] Hey, it's me. 674 00:38:56,725 --> 00:38:59,554 The children called about your emails. 675 00:38:59,598 --> 00:39:01,295 They're really worried and so am I. 676 00:39:01,339 --> 00:39:05,952 Oh, uh, no, no, no, Chlo, everything's great. 677 00:39:05,995 --> 00:39:07,780 - [Chloe] Joel's worried, too. - Why is that? 678 00:39:07,823 --> 00:39:10,086 He's worried because I'm worried. 679 00:39:10,130 --> 00:39:14,569 Look, Harry, I don't know what crazy scheme is rattling around in that brain of yours 680 00:39:14,613 --> 00:39:18,530 and I know you're not gonna tell me, but just promise me you won't do anything stupid 681 00:39:19,487 --> 00:39:20,749 or dangerous. 682 00:39:25,972 --> 00:39:30,498 - Harry? - Thanks so much for calling, Chlo, 683 00:39:30,542 --> 00:39:33,022 but I'm just about to go off island. 684 00:39:33,066 --> 00:39:35,285 Why don't I give you a call tomorrow and we could have a nice long chat? 685 00:39:35,329 --> 00:39:37,723 Now, say a hello to Joel for me, okay? 686 00:39:37,766 --> 00:39:41,770 Wow, Harry, that was both gracious and coherent. 687 00:39:41,814 --> 00:39:43,903 Now I'm really worried. 688 00:39:43,946 --> 00:39:47,602 Look, I love you, the children love you. 689 00:39:47,646 --> 00:39:51,519 I just want you to know there are people out there who want you to stay alive. 690 00:39:54,304 --> 00:39:56,698 And I love you all. Gotta go, Chlo. 691 00:40:05,925 --> 00:40:08,928 Mr. Marsh, I'm a junior at Columbia. 692 00:40:08,971 --> 00:40:12,235 - I'm writing my honor's thesis on your work. - Great. 693 00:40:12,279 --> 00:40:14,542 - A few questions? - No. 694 00:40:14,586 --> 00:40:17,240 I'm interested in the use of hats in your work. 695 00:40:17,284 --> 00:40:19,634 - Do they symbolize death? - Yes. 696 00:40:19,678 --> 00:40:22,855 - What about the color yellow, also death? - Yes. 697 00:40:22,898 --> 00:40:25,945 - And flowers? - Death. 698 00:40:25,988 --> 00:40:28,687 [student] You seem to deliberately avoid the gerund. 699 00:40:28,730 --> 00:40:30,384 What does the gerund mean to you? 700 00:40:30,428 --> 00:40:32,560 Death. 701 00:40:32,604 --> 00:40:35,345 Do you think you're more influenced by Washington Irving or John Irving? 702 00:40:35,389 --> 00:40:36,434 Clifford. 703 00:40:37,783 --> 00:40:39,480 May I send you my thesis when it's done? 704 00:40:39,524 --> 00:40:41,439 [Harry] By all means. 705 00:40:46,748 --> 00:40:49,447 - [Hector] Tell me about the Hamptons again. - Not now. 706 00:40:49,490 --> 00:40:51,840 [Hector] Oh, that's right, we're on a mission. 707 00:40:51,884 --> 00:40:54,669 Horse hair, the search for the holy horse hair. 708 00:40:54,713 --> 00:40:56,584 You oughta be locked up. 709 00:40:56,628 --> 00:41:00,545 The plan calls for horse hair or a suitable equivalent, 710 00:41:00,588 --> 00:41:02,329 you're lucky your hair's too short. 711 00:41:02,372 --> 00:41:05,114 [Hector] I hate to be seen with you in public. 712 00:41:05,158 --> 00:41:07,508 People stare at you. 713 00:41:07,552 --> 00:41:10,511 - Are you famous? - I'm known. 714 00:41:10,555 --> 00:41:13,645 - [Hector] I believe in the humble life. - I had one. 715 00:41:24,046 --> 00:41:25,961 [doorbell jingles] 716 00:41:26,005 --> 00:41:27,833 Move. 717 00:41:36,755 --> 00:41:38,408 Hello. 718 00:41:38,452 --> 00:41:41,803 Um, I'd like to ask you something. 719 00:41:41,847 --> 00:41:43,718 Do you have any horse hair? 720 00:41:43,762 --> 00:41:45,720 No, no horse hair. 721 00:41:45,764 --> 00:41:48,462 We do have a very handsome hobby horse, but it's hairless. 722 00:41:51,378 --> 00:41:52,379 Sit down. 723 00:41:54,773 --> 00:41:57,123 What a charming dog. What's her name? 724 00:41:57,166 --> 00:41:59,212 Hermione. 725 00:41:59,255 --> 00:42:02,432 [Hector] Hermione, really? 726 00:42:03,477 --> 00:42:04,609 What's this? 727 00:42:04,652 --> 00:42:07,220 [woman] She comes with a wand. 728 00:42:07,263 --> 00:42:09,527 Go ahead, touch the wand to the ruby. 729 00:42:16,055 --> 00:42:19,188 - [jingling sound] - [electric whirring] 730 00:42:22,191 --> 00:42:25,673 Isn't she adorable? She speaks English and Spanish. 731 00:42:25,717 --> 00:42:27,719 Does she do construction work? 732 00:42:30,809 --> 00:42:35,030 Oh, you beautiful doll, 733 00:42:35,074 --> 00:42:39,948 you great big, beautiful doll. 734 00:42:39,992 --> 00:42:41,994 ♪♪ 735 00:42:45,693 --> 00:42:47,042 Mmm. Mm. 736 00:42:49,131 --> 00:42:50,698 [Hector] Tastes good, right? 737 00:42:50,742 --> 00:42:53,571 You seem to like the doll? 738 00:42:53,614 --> 00:42:55,616 Mm-hm. 739 00:42:55,660 --> 00:42:57,879 This would be something for your granddaughter? 740 00:42:59,228 --> 00:43:01,230 - No. - A niece? 741 00:43:01,274 --> 00:43:02,841 The child of a friend? 742 00:43:02,884 --> 00:43:06,845 No, I'd like it for myself. I'll take four. 743 00:43:06,888 --> 00:43:08,281 How much? 744 00:43:09,717 --> 00:43:12,111 You know, I just remembered, we're out of stock 745 00:43:12,154 --> 00:43:14,026 and we're forbidden to sell the floor sample. 746 00:43:14,069 --> 00:43:17,159 I, uh, could order four dolls for you. 747 00:43:17,203 --> 00:43:18,639 But I need it today. 748 00:43:18,683 --> 00:43:20,989 [Hector] Ah, let's get out of here. 749 00:43:21,033 --> 00:43:24,384 Well, I could check the inventory downstairs. 750 00:43:27,256 --> 00:43:28,344 Never mind. 751 00:43:29,911 --> 00:43:32,174 Come on, Hermione, we're leaving. 752 00:43:38,616 --> 00:43:40,792 - [Hector] Ooh, can I? - No. 753 00:43:42,707 --> 00:43:46,188 [chuckles] You are not gonna believe this. 754 00:43:46,232 --> 00:43:50,671 We received a hat box full of horse hair just this very week. 755 00:43:50,715 --> 00:43:52,586 A hat box full of horse hair? 756 00:43:52,630 --> 00:43:56,285 A hat box full of horse hair. 757 00:43:57,939 --> 00:43:59,941 [Hector] Please don't say it again. 758 00:43:59,985 --> 00:44:02,509 A hat box full of horse hair. 759 00:44:04,511 --> 00:44:07,819 Well, my dear, you have a sale. 760 00:44:07,862 --> 00:44:10,560 But this is the part you're not gonna believe, 761 00:44:10,604 --> 00:44:13,085 I sold the hat box this very morning. 762 00:44:14,564 --> 00:44:15,827 - No. - Yes. 763 00:44:15,870 --> 00:44:17,524 Do you know the Laphams? 764 00:44:17,567 --> 00:44:21,441 Well, it seems Mrs. Lapham makes her own throw pillows, ah, 765 00:44:21,484 --> 00:44:24,357 and when I told her about the horse hair, she just grabbed it up. 766 00:44:24,400 --> 00:44:27,882 - It makes an ideal stuffing. - Does it now? 767 00:44:27,926 --> 00:44:30,711 Well, yes, it's very sweet, really? 768 00:44:30,755 --> 00:44:32,713 See she's making the pillow 769 00:44:32,757 --> 00:44:34,628 as a surprise for Mr. Lapham 770 00:44:34,672 --> 00:44:36,325 to present him with a gift 771 00:44:36,369 --> 00:44:39,677 upon the occasion of the completion of their new house. 772 00:44:39,720 --> 00:44:42,767 I understand it's magnificent. 773 00:44:42,810 --> 00:44:44,682 You know, it's not too far from your own island. 774 00:44:44,725 --> 00:44:48,076 What do you call your place, Noman? 775 00:44:48,120 --> 00:44:50,470 Well, anyway, the whole thing was just dumb luck. 776 00:44:50,513 --> 00:44:53,691 She came in looking for some Victorian asparagus tongs, 777 00:44:53,734 --> 00:44:56,084 but then when I told her about the horse hair, 778 00:44:56,128 --> 00:44:58,696 well, it was just ideal. [chuckles] 779 00:45:00,872 --> 00:45:03,396 It's kind of a nice story really. 780 00:45:03,439 --> 00:45:05,572 See, the Laphams had a little dog 781 00:45:05,615 --> 00:45:08,444 who passed away last year. 782 00:45:08,488 --> 00:45:12,753 Why, he was just like your little Hector there, a little Westie. 783 00:45:12,797 --> 00:45:14,799 Goo goo baby. 784 00:45:14,842 --> 00:45:17,279 You know Harry, if it's horse hair you're looking for, 785 00:45:17,323 --> 00:45:19,412 it's probably in the walls of your house? 786 00:45:19,455 --> 00:45:21,806 [Hector] Hey, don't give him any ideas. 787 00:45:21,849 --> 00:45:24,199 You see the old houses used horse hair 788 00:45:24,243 --> 00:45:26,375 to keep the plaster intact. 789 00:45:26,419 --> 00:45:29,030 You knock down a wall, you'll probably have all the horse hair you need. 790 00:45:29,074 --> 00:45:32,425 Oh, I'll keep that in mind, thanks for the tip. 791 00:45:32,468 --> 00:45:36,168 [Hector] Terrific. By all means, let's knock down our walls 792 00:45:36,211 --> 00:45:38,997 so you'll have everything you need to commit a crime. 793 00:45:40,172 --> 00:45:42,478 ♪♪ 794 00:45:42,522 --> 00:45:46,482 [narrator] Harry was not keen on the idea of destroying his house, 795 00:45:46,526 --> 00:45:49,355 but was left with no choice. 796 00:45:50,922 --> 00:45:53,576 But then, a vision came to him, 797 00:45:53,620 --> 00:45:55,970 a vision in the form 798 00:45:56,014 --> 00:46:01,019 of a long, thick tail-like braid of hair. 799 00:46:01,062 --> 00:46:06,328 Well, wrinkles, I do believe this is the very first time 800 00:46:06,372 --> 00:46:09,854 I have received a visit from your distinguished self. 801 00:46:09,897 --> 00:46:12,944 It's your lucky day, chitlins. 802 00:46:12,987 --> 00:46:14,859 You have something I want. 803 00:46:14,902 --> 00:46:17,470 Oh, don't you think it's a bit late for that? 804 00:46:17,513 --> 00:46:19,472 Late for you, I mean. 805 00:46:22,867 --> 00:46:24,129 I want your hair. 806 00:46:27,610 --> 00:46:29,961 I want you to cut off your braid and give it to me. 807 00:46:34,879 --> 00:46:39,013 And why on Earth should I do that? 808 00:46:39,057 --> 00:46:42,277 I cannot think for what's sick and perverse purpose 809 00:46:42,321 --> 00:46:46,151 you desire my extra long, extra thick world class hair. 810 00:46:46,194 --> 00:46:48,588 I need it, just leave it at that. 811 00:46:48,631 --> 00:46:51,286 Are you gonna hang yourself? 812 00:46:51,330 --> 00:46:52,766 Give me an incentive. 813 00:46:52,810 --> 00:46:54,463 Never mind why I want it. 814 00:46:54,507 --> 00:46:59,164 I'll pay you for it, plenty and it'll grow back soon. 815 00:46:59,207 --> 00:47:02,384 You stand to only profit from this transaction, Kathy. 816 00:47:02,428 --> 00:47:05,300 Oh, I worry when you address me by my Christian name 817 00:47:05,344 --> 00:47:09,609 instead of the usual insult, Harry, I worry. 818 00:47:09,652 --> 00:47:12,003 And yet, my interest is peaked. 819 00:47:12,046 --> 00:47:14,832 What do you call plenty? 820 00:47:15,833 --> 00:47:17,182 One thousand dollars. 821 00:47:17,225 --> 00:47:20,576 Oh honey, I don't clear my throat for $1,000. 822 00:47:20,620 --> 00:47:24,842 All right then, I'll agree to read your manuscript of poems. 823 00:47:24,885 --> 00:47:27,714 Well, Harry, how'd you know I write poetry? 824 00:47:27,757 --> 00:47:30,238 Just a wild guess. 825 00:47:33,415 --> 00:47:36,070 - Five thousand dollars then. - Mmm. 826 00:47:36,114 --> 00:47:39,900 Let me bring you into the modern world, my hermit crab. 827 00:47:39,944 --> 00:47:42,555 For your edification, Harry March, 828 00:47:42,598 --> 00:47:46,602 these days, $5,000 does not suffice as a deposit 829 00:47:46,646 --> 00:47:49,301 to take a house off the market for half an hour. 830 00:47:50,476 --> 00:47:51,912 On an average sale, 831 00:47:51,956 --> 00:47:54,262 an average sale, mind you, one that takes as long 832 00:47:54,306 --> 00:47:56,743 as ten minutes for me to consummate, 833 00:47:56,786 --> 00:47:59,920 my commission comes to $400,000. 834 00:47:59,964 --> 00:48:02,227 All right, how much do you want? 835 00:48:03,576 --> 00:48:06,057 Oh, I want you, honey. 836 00:48:06,100 --> 00:48:09,756 I want your house, your island, 837 00:48:09,799 --> 00:48:11,976 the works, 838 00:48:12,019 --> 00:48:13,803 and I'll pay top dollar. 839 00:48:13,847 --> 00:48:15,501 Because you can turn it around 840 00:48:15,544 --> 00:48:17,677 and get twice what you gave me for it? 841 00:48:17,720 --> 00:48:20,898 Three times, maybe four. 842 00:48:20,941 --> 00:48:23,509 You sell me your little Island of Dr. Moreau 843 00:48:23,552 --> 00:48:28,296 and I'll pay you enough to enable you to live out your shriveled mean spirited days 844 00:48:28,340 --> 00:48:31,082 in the comfort of the finest assisted living facility 845 00:48:31,125 --> 00:48:33,432 on the East End, hmm? 846 00:48:33,475 --> 00:48:37,044 With plenty of dollars to spare in case you want to take a day trip to the Bronx Zoo 847 00:48:37,088 --> 00:48:40,221 or catch a bus to see a revival of Cats. 848 00:48:40,265 --> 00:48:42,093 [Kathy mimicking cat growling] 849 00:48:42,136 --> 00:48:43,746 [chuckles] 850 00:48:43,790 --> 00:48:45,313 And for all that, 851 00:48:45,357 --> 00:48:48,316 I shall gladly cut off my luxurious braid of hair 852 00:48:48,360 --> 00:48:50,971 and I'll hand it over to you myself. 853 00:48:51,015 --> 00:48:53,365 - Never. - Harry March. 854 00:48:53,408 --> 00:48:56,977 [mock gasp] You're hurting me. 855 00:48:57,021 --> 00:48:58,936 Never say never. 856 00:49:00,372 --> 00:49:02,461 I must say, Harry, 857 00:49:02,504 --> 00:49:04,767 I get all hot just thinking 858 00:49:04,811 --> 00:49:07,379 what you're gonna be doing with my hair. 859 00:49:08,771 --> 00:49:10,034 What about $50,000? 860 00:49:10,077 --> 00:49:13,341 Uh, this conversation is concluded. 861 00:49:13,385 --> 00:49:16,736 You sell me your island and my hair is yours. 862 00:49:16,779 --> 00:49:18,999 Your island, your house. 863 00:49:20,609 --> 00:49:22,307 My life then. 864 00:49:22,350 --> 00:49:27,007 That's my price, sweet pea, take it or leave it. 865 00:49:27,051 --> 00:49:30,141 Learn to live in the real world, Harry. 866 00:49:33,971 --> 00:49:36,495 As Mr. Lapham says, 867 00:49:36,538 --> 00:49:37,844 "The sun also rises, 868 00:49:38,932 --> 00:49:40,586 but it also sets." 869 00:49:40,629 --> 00:49:42,849 ♪♪ 870 00:49:46,287 --> 00:49:47,854 I like that one. 871 00:49:50,552 --> 00:49:52,728 [narrator] Unwilling to sell his soul, 872 00:49:52,772 --> 00:49:55,514 Harry went on his cantankerous way. 873 00:49:57,559 --> 00:50:01,085 [Hector barking] 874 00:50:01,128 --> 00:50:03,652 - Why do you do that? - [Hector] Do what? 875 00:50:03,696 --> 00:50:06,394 Bark at the sight of another dog. 876 00:50:06,438 --> 00:50:08,918 - [Hector] Because other dogs bark at me. - [Harry] Yes, but why? 877 00:50:08,962 --> 00:50:11,356 [Hector] You know, I'm not really sure.[barking] 878 00:50:11,399 --> 00:50:14,968 You don't see me flying off the handle when I spot a another human being. 879 00:50:15,012 --> 00:50:16,752 [Hector] Actually, I do. 880 00:50:22,193 --> 00:50:24,195 [Hector barking] 881 00:50:32,203 --> 00:50:33,378 Hector! 882 00:50:33,421 --> 00:50:34,901 Hector! 883 00:50:47,435 --> 00:50:48,915 [groans] 884 00:50:53,093 --> 00:50:54,747 Get in the car. 885 00:50:54,790 --> 00:50:57,489 Don't worry, officer, I'm fine. 886 00:50:57,532 --> 00:51:00,144 You're lucky I'm taking you to the hospital and not the station house 887 00:51:00,187 --> 00:51:01,797 for being a creep at a toy store. 888 00:51:01,841 --> 00:51:05,192 That's me, all right, lucky. 889 00:51:05,236 --> 00:51:06,454 [mysterious music] 890 00:51:06,498 --> 00:51:08,587 [typewriter keys typing] 891 00:51:17,552 --> 00:51:20,642 [breathing heavy] 892 00:51:28,737 --> 00:51:31,349 [distant thunderclap] 893 00:51:31,392 --> 00:51:34,526 [Hector] Oh, it must be wonderful, the literary life, 894 00:51:34,569 --> 00:51:37,833 to be a literary lion as you are. 895 00:51:37,877 --> 00:51:39,574 I'm a literary dog, you know? 896 00:51:39,618 --> 00:51:41,315 I'm sure you are. 897 00:51:41,359 --> 00:51:43,187 [Hector] Is Mr. Lapham a literary lion? 898 00:51:43,230 --> 00:51:45,145 He has an awfully nice car. 899 00:51:45,189 --> 00:51:48,366 Hey, do you suppose he might give me a ride someday? 900 00:51:48,409 --> 00:51:50,542 He must miss his dear departed Westie? 901 00:51:52,892 --> 00:51:54,589 Will you ever shut up? 902 00:51:56,461 --> 00:51:58,419 [Hector] When the time comes. 903 00:51:58,463 --> 00:52:02,075 [thunderclap] 904 00:52:08,473 --> 00:52:10,431 [Harry] Hey, come here, come here. 905 00:52:10,475 --> 00:52:13,347 I don't think you should see this. 906 00:52:13,391 --> 00:52:15,828 Go in there. 907 00:52:27,144 --> 00:52:29,929 ♪♪ 908 00:53:00,089 --> 00:53:02,614 Do you even think about how you appear to other people? 909 00:53:02,657 --> 00:53:06,922 - The death of the party? - It's all a big joke to you, right? 910 00:53:06,966 --> 00:53:10,970 People expect civility from other people and that's the foundation of civilization. 911 00:53:11,013 --> 00:53:14,887 - You call the Bittermans civilization? - Yes, I do. 912 00:53:14,930 --> 00:53:16,889 They're just regular human beings 913 00:53:16,932 --> 00:53:19,587 trying to live in this world the way it is. 914 00:53:19,631 --> 00:53:21,633 I don't like the world the way it is, 915 00:53:23,069 --> 00:53:24,723 but I love you, Chlo. 916 00:53:30,685 --> 00:53:32,426 I love you too, Harry. 917 00:53:39,781 --> 00:53:43,350 But I can't be a part of this life that you insist I live. 918 00:53:43,394 --> 00:53:47,093 It's too much, you ask too much. 919 00:53:47,136 --> 00:53:50,096 You've made me a prisoner of your principles. 920 00:53:53,621 --> 00:53:54,840 Principle is everything. 921 00:53:54,883 --> 00:53:56,145 No, it's not. 922 00:53:57,973 --> 00:54:00,280 The world moves forward because people have mutual respect. 923 00:54:00,324 --> 00:54:04,893 They talk to each other, they negotiate, they compromise. 924 00:54:04,937 --> 00:54:07,896 You just can't stop yourself, can you? You just had to spout off? 925 00:54:10,203 --> 00:54:11,770 Spout off? 926 00:54:13,075 --> 00:54:14,555 Well, you know, that's it, 927 00:54:14,599 --> 00:54:17,297 that's it, that's what lady was talking about. 928 00:54:17,341 --> 00:54:19,691 She wasn't talking about saving the wheels, 929 00:54:19,734 --> 00:54:21,954 she was talking about saving the whales. 930 00:54:24,435 --> 00:54:26,306 [sighs] 931 00:54:26,350 --> 00:54:29,266 [chuckles faintly] 932 00:54:41,408 --> 00:54:42,975 [woman] Mr. March! 933 00:54:43,018 --> 00:54:45,064 [knocking on door] 934 00:54:45,107 --> 00:54:46,761 Mr. March! 935 00:54:48,197 --> 00:54:50,374 - [sighs] - [knocking on door] 936 00:54:51,549 --> 00:54:53,290 Mr. March! 937 00:54:54,465 --> 00:54:57,511 ♪♪ 938 00:54:57,555 --> 00:55:01,341 Harry March, I need to sell you a swimming pool. 939 00:55:01,385 --> 00:55:04,039 What are you talking about? Who are you? 940 00:55:04,083 --> 00:55:05,737 A swimming pool. 941 00:55:07,347 --> 00:55:11,395 Well, I'll give you two minutes. 942 00:55:11,438 --> 00:55:13,310 Cosiapara. 943 00:55:15,050 --> 00:55:16,748 - [Hector] Hey. - [woman] Come on. 944 00:55:16,791 --> 00:55:19,228 [Hector] Who's this? 945 00:55:19,272 --> 00:55:21,187 [woman] He loves me. 946 00:55:21,230 --> 00:55:24,103 He loves everybody but me. 947 00:55:24,146 --> 00:55:25,452 [Hector] Ah, it's true. 948 00:55:25,496 --> 00:55:27,280 He's precious. 949 00:55:40,598 --> 00:55:43,775 [groans] 950 00:55:46,081 --> 00:55:48,257 Mr. March, 951 00:55:48,301 --> 00:55:52,827 everyone around here says I could never sell you one of my dad's pools. 952 00:55:52,871 --> 00:55:54,176 My dad says so too. 953 00:55:55,395 --> 00:55:57,615 Everyone says you're mean and crazy. 954 00:55:57,658 --> 00:55:59,704 - They're right. - But I said, "No." 955 00:55:59,747 --> 00:56:03,447 "That old man is just waiting for a little brightness in his life." 956 00:56:03,490 --> 00:56:06,319 Oh, in the form of a swimming pool? 957 00:56:06,363 --> 00:56:07,886 You said it. 958 00:56:07,929 --> 00:56:10,845 What you need to cheer up your cranky and miserable self 959 00:56:10,889 --> 00:56:15,415 is a new gunite pool installed with expert craftsmanship 960 00:56:15,459 --> 00:56:18,636 and tender loving care by the Leonardo Da Vinci 961 00:56:18,679 --> 00:56:22,422 of Hamptons pool makers and servicers, Tony Amberson. 962 00:56:22,466 --> 00:56:24,642 - Is that your father? - My father. 963 00:56:24,685 --> 00:56:26,470 [Hector] Ah, A pool would be nice. 964 00:56:26,513 --> 00:56:28,863 Miss, I'm very busy, 965 00:56:28,907 --> 00:56:31,257 I have a lot of important things to do. 966 00:56:31,300 --> 00:56:34,434 I don't really have any desire for a swimming pool. 967 00:56:34,478 --> 00:56:36,001 I have nobody to impress. 968 00:56:36,044 --> 00:56:40,048 If I want to take a swim, I do it right off my dock 969 00:56:40,092 --> 00:56:42,181 and if I want warm water, I take a bath. 970 00:56:42,224 --> 00:56:46,490 Good for you, but I must tell you, 971 00:56:46,533 --> 00:56:48,753 I don't think you're seeing this issue clearly. 972 00:56:50,145 --> 00:56:52,974 You are thinking of a swimming pool narrowly 973 00:56:53,018 --> 00:56:56,021 as a place to exercise or lull about. 974 00:56:56,064 --> 00:56:58,806 And speaking of exercise, 975 00:56:58,850 --> 00:57:02,549 if you don't mind my saying so, you could use some. 976 00:57:02,593 --> 00:57:04,464 [Hector] I like this girl. 977 00:57:04,508 --> 00:57:06,814 I do mind, your two minutes are almost up. 978 00:57:06,858 --> 00:57:09,295 Think of a swimming pool instead 979 00:57:09,338 --> 00:57:12,429 as a notable room of your house. 980 00:57:12,472 --> 00:57:16,171 Think of it as your indoor body of water, 981 00:57:16,215 --> 00:57:20,872 your pond, your lake, your estuary. 982 00:57:20,915 --> 00:57:25,877 What, may I ask, is more beautiful than a body of water? 983 00:57:25,920 --> 00:57:29,837 The light dance of the ripples, the shadows on the waves, 984 00:57:29,881 --> 00:57:33,232 the brooding darkness underneath. 985 00:57:33,275 --> 00:57:36,235 You know, you have a mind far more estimable 986 00:57:36,278 --> 00:57:37,715 than I thought. 987 00:57:39,151 --> 00:57:42,850 Why are you wasting it selling swimming pools? 988 00:57:44,243 --> 00:57:47,115 I mean a daughter's duty to her father aside. 989 00:57:47,159 --> 00:57:49,509 It never is aside. 990 00:57:49,553 --> 00:57:53,470 My dad's having a hard time of it, I mean moneywise. 991 00:57:53,513 --> 00:57:57,386 Moneywise, is this your full-time occupation? 992 00:57:57,430 --> 00:57:59,606 This semester. 993 00:57:59,650 --> 00:58:01,913 Then, it's back to St. John's in Annapolis. 994 00:58:01,956 --> 00:58:05,612 Oh, the great books curriculum, I thought so. 995 00:58:05,656 --> 00:58:09,050 You, my dear girl, are an anachronism. 996 00:58:09,094 --> 00:58:11,966 [chuckles] Just like you. 997 00:58:12,010 --> 00:58:14,534 Yes but I think I've earned that status. 998 00:58:14,578 --> 00:58:16,754 - You're much too young. - Maybe. 999 00:58:16,797 --> 00:58:19,147 But it looks better on me. 1000 00:58:19,191 --> 00:58:20,627 - [Harry chuckles] - [Hector] Can't argue with that. 1001 00:58:20,671 --> 00:58:24,326 You know, Harry, when I was in high school, 1002 00:58:24,370 --> 00:58:27,895 I had a clear choice of extracurricular activities, 1003 00:58:27,939 --> 00:58:31,029 be an anachronism, spend time in old movies, 1004 00:58:31,072 --> 00:58:33,945 listen to jazz, live at the library 1005 00:58:33,988 --> 00:58:39,037 or give blow jobs to the doped up future actuaries of America. 1006 00:58:39,080 --> 00:58:40,865 Oh. [chuckles] 1007 00:58:40,908 --> 00:58:42,823 [Hector] What's an actuary? 1008 00:58:42,867 --> 00:58:44,738 So I went to classes most of the day 1009 00:58:44,782 --> 00:58:47,480 and lived at the town library most of the night. 1010 00:58:48,960 --> 00:58:51,005 Are you sure you don't want to buy a swimming pool? 1011 00:58:51,049 --> 00:58:52,833 It's a great investment. 1012 00:58:55,053 --> 00:58:58,012 Well, I got fixated on Samuel Johnson. 1013 00:58:59,013 --> 00:59:00,493 First, I read Boswell. 1014 00:59:00,537 --> 00:59:02,843 Then, I read Johnson. 1015 00:59:02,887 --> 00:59:04,715 The lives of the poets, 1016 00:59:04,758 --> 00:59:07,631 the prose, the poems, the best of which is 1017 00:59:07,674 --> 00:59:10,155 - The Vanity of Human Wishes. - The Vanity of Human Wishes. 1018 00:59:10,198 --> 00:59:11,548 "When a man is tired of London--" 1019 00:59:11,591 --> 00:59:14,246 "He is tired of life." 1020 00:59:14,289 --> 00:59:17,858 "He's not a patron, my Lord, 1021 00:59:17,902 --> 00:59:21,035 one who looks with unconcern 1022 00:59:21,079 --> 00:59:25,126 on a man struggling for life in the water." 1023 00:59:25,170 --> 00:59:29,000 "And when he's reached the ground encumbers him with hope." 1024 00:59:30,305 --> 00:59:31,829 [Hector] Brilliant. 1025 00:59:34,266 --> 00:59:36,442 What brought you to Dr. Johnson? 1026 00:59:36,485 --> 00:59:39,663 His devotion to the power of reason. 1027 00:59:39,706 --> 00:59:41,403 He wasn't a romantic. 1028 00:59:41,447 --> 00:59:43,797 Romantics ruin the world. 1029 00:59:43,841 --> 00:59:46,321 And of course, he was always right. 1030 00:59:46,365 --> 00:59:49,498 You're more than an anachronism. 1031 00:59:50,587 --> 00:59:52,414 You show real value. 1032 00:59:52,458 --> 00:59:53,590 [chuckles] 1033 00:59:54,939 --> 00:59:57,942 Not like that monster over there. 1034 00:59:57,985 --> 00:59:59,857 - Lapham? - You know him? 1035 00:59:59,900 --> 01:00:04,905 No, I don't know anyone who's even seen him. 1036 01:00:04,949 --> 01:00:08,387 He's a ghost like you. 1037 01:00:13,087 --> 01:00:14,828 What do you know about me? 1038 01:00:16,264 --> 01:00:18,832 What I see, what others say, 1039 01:00:18,876 --> 01:00:22,096 but mainly what I see, 1040 01:00:22,140 --> 01:00:25,317 a man who has whittled his life to too fine a point, 1041 01:00:25,360 --> 01:00:26,971 too brittle. 1042 01:00:28,494 --> 01:00:31,279 He doesn't write anymore. 1043 01:00:31,323 --> 01:00:34,892 Now he's reduced to the stupidity of a sage. 1044 01:00:44,075 --> 01:00:46,730 Towering in the confidence of 21. 1045 01:00:46,773 --> 01:00:49,863 [chuckles] Do you have an answer for everything? 1046 01:00:50,864 --> 01:00:51,865 Yes. 1047 01:00:57,566 --> 01:00:59,220 Look, I don't want to fight with you. 1048 01:01:00,526 --> 01:01:03,094 There's something wrong with quarreling 1049 01:01:03,137 --> 01:01:05,139 when we're speaking of the person we both admire. 1050 01:01:08,665 --> 01:01:11,580 - Well, how about it? - Nope. 1051 01:01:11,624 --> 01:01:13,321 - Three easy installments. - Nope. 1052 01:01:13,365 --> 01:01:15,628 - Come on, be a sport. - Nope. 1053 01:01:15,672 --> 01:01:17,761 - Miss Polite said that you would-- - What did you say? 1054 01:01:19,458 --> 01:01:20,459 Miss Polite said? 1055 01:01:22,330 --> 01:01:24,332 Miss Polite said? 1056 01:01:29,642 --> 01:01:31,949 Well, young Dr. Johnson, 1057 01:01:33,820 --> 01:01:36,518 what did Ms. Polite say? 1058 01:01:36,562 --> 01:01:39,565 When you sell your papa's swimming pools, darling, 1059 01:01:39,608 --> 01:01:41,219 do you know what you're selling? 1060 01:01:41,262 --> 01:01:43,134 You're selling real estate. 1061 01:01:43,177 --> 01:01:46,224 Now I already have a pool so you'll make no sale with me, 1062 01:01:46,267 --> 01:01:49,793 but tell you what, you sell a pool to Harry March, 1063 01:01:49,836 --> 01:01:52,752 that nutcase writer on that island over there, 1064 01:01:52,796 --> 01:01:56,974 you sell Mr. March a pool and I'll pay you for an extra one, 1065 01:01:57,017 --> 01:01:59,846 one for the price of two. 1066 01:01:59,890 --> 01:02:04,372 And just why did Miss Polite say she wanted me to buy a swimming pool? 1067 01:02:04,416 --> 01:02:06,984 Because a swimming pool will do two things 1068 01:02:07,027 --> 01:02:08,855 for the estimable Mr. March. 1069 01:02:08,899 --> 01:02:12,859 It'll make his property more valuable, thus more sellable. 1070 01:02:12,903 --> 01:02:15,819 And as soon as he buys it from you, he'll hate it, 1071 01:02:15,862 --> 01:02:19,344 which is when he'll sell his island to me. 1072 01:02:19,387 --> 01:02:23,217 Just when I thought I'd met one incorruptible soul. 1073 01:02:23,261 --> 01:02:26,612 - Dr. Johnson-- - Would've done the same thing. 1074 01:02:26,655 --> 01:02:28,962 He was poor like me. 1075 01:02:31,660 --> 01:02:35,099 He wouldn't have sold his principles for a swimming pool. 1076 01:02:40,452 --> 01:02:43,194 You never know what poor people will do. 1077 01:02:43,237 --> 01:02:46,066 ♪♪ 1078 01:03:04,128 --> 01:03:05,869 Are you coming back? 1079 01:03:07,566 --> 01:03:09,176 Are you buying a pool? 1080 01:03:10,743 --> 01:03:13,964 By the way, you're not an 18th century man. 1081 01:03:15,400 --> 01:03:17,837 I thought you'd like to know. 1082 01:03:18,882 --> 01:03:20,622 What do you mean? 1083 01:03:23,538 --> 01:03:24,975 You're a romantic. 1084 01:03:26,411 --> 01:03:28,500 You live on an island. 1085 01:03:28,543 --> 01:03:31,329 You create your own ideal world. 1086 01:03:31,372 --> 01:03:33,287 You despise or ignore the real world. 1087 01:03:33,331 --> 01:03:37,335 You belittle life as it is 1088 01:03:37,378 --> 01:03:39,076 and you feel superior to others. 1089 01:03:40,773 --> 01:03:42,557 What do you suppose that makes you? 1090 01:03:53,742 --> 01:03:55,005 Lonely. 1091 01:04:20,987 --> 01:04:22,467 [Hector] Harry! 1092 01:04:32,738 --> 01:04:34,479 [sighs] 1093 01:04:34,522 --> 01:04:37,308 - I don't see any horse hair. - No horse hair. 1094 01:04:39,527 --> 01:04:42,095 [Hector] Well, at least you knocked down half the house. 1095 01:04:42,139 --> 01:04:44,315 I mean it wasn't a total loss. 1096 01:04:47,187 --> 01:04:48,493 I'm outta here. 1097 01:04:49,537 --> 01:04:50,930 [Kevin] Harry! 1098 01:04:55,195 --> 01:04:56,414 [hammer thuds on floor] 1099 01:05:05,989 --> 01:05:08,295 [distant thunderclap] 1100 01:05:08,339 --> 01:05:10,950 - Harry! - [Harry groans] 1101 01:05:20,525 --> 01:05:22,701 Lot of banging going on in there. You all right? 1102 01:05:24,050 --> 01:05:25,660 You okay? 1103 01:05:25,704 --> 01:05:28,446 How's Jack doing? 1104 01:05:28,489 --> 01:05:31,492 [sighs] You know Jack's 17, he's sensitive. 1105 01:05:31,536 --> 01:05:33,233 Don't change the subject, Harry. 1106 01:05:33,277 --> 01:05:35,061 What's going on? You look like shit. 1107 01:05:36,497 --> 01:05:38,456 You're acting crazy. You're talking to Hector. 1108 01:05:40,110 --> 01:05:42,025 You're lucky he's not talking back to you. 1109 01:05:42,068 --> 01:05:43,635 [Hector] If he only knew. 1110 01:05:43,678 --> 01:05:44,810 [thunderclap] 1111 01:05:44,853 --> 01:05:46,246 You need to get some help, Harry. 1112 01:05:46,290 --> 01:05:48,292 Like what? 1113 01:05:48,335 --> 01:05:50,685 Like therapy, talk to someone, 1114 01:05:50,729 --> 01:05:53,253 you don't know how to deal with people. 1115 01:05:53,297 --> 01:05:56,517 I would, I'd see a shrink but I don't know how to deal with people. 1116 01:05:56,561 --> 01:05:58,780 Hold on, I'll be right back. 1117 01:06:02,306 --> 01:06:03,960 [Harry groans] 1118 01:06:08,747 --> 01:06:11,663 [Harry coughing] 1119 01:06:13,752 --> 01:06:15,145 Hey! 1120 01:06:19,584 --> 01:06:21,847 - What is this? - It's a bribe. 1121 01:06:21,890 --> 01:06:25,329 I want you to stop working on Lapham's house. 1122 01:06:25,372 --> 01:06:28,680 - [chuckles] That's good. - I don't take bribes. 1123 01:06:28,723 --> 01:06:31,857 Well, it's for Jack, it's for film school. 1124 01:06:31,900 --> 01:06:35,339 You think I don't hear the both of you arguing every day? 1125 01:06:37,210 --> 01:06:39,299 Well, we'll figure it out, I can't accept this. 1126 01:06:39,343 --> 01:06:42,433 I told you, it's not for you. Tell Jack it's a loan. 1127 01:06:42,476 --> 01:06:45,610 He can pay me back with the profits from his first movie, 1128 01:06:45,653 --> 01:06:48,917 which should be no higher than the value of the loan, 1129 01:06:48,961 --> 01:06:52,269 that way we'll guarantee it'll be an art house film. 1130 01:06:56,142 --> 01:07:00,146 - Harry-- - I gotta go, I'm busy, very, very busy. 1131 01:07:04,368 --> 01:07:06,326 [typewriter keys typing] 1132 01:07:06,370 --> 01:07:08,285 ♪♪ 1133 01:07:11,331 --> 01:07:14,769 [narrator] With his plan thwarted and all hope lost, 1134 01:07:14,813 --> 01:07:19,078 Harry March sat down to finally write his speech. 1135 01:08:40,159 --> 01:08:41,813 Chloe? 1136 01:08:43,684 --> 01:08:46,470 Joel's doing the planning for Lapham's party. 1137 01:08:46,513 --> 01:08:48,602 Of course he did. 1138 01:08:53,520 --> 01:08:54,913 We're not staying. 1139 01:08:59,831 --> 01:09:01,572 Nice to see you. 1140 01:09:01,615 --> 01:09:03,182 [Chloe] Nice to see you. 1141 01:09:12,060 --> 01:09:14,672 ♪♪ 1142 01:09:26,249 --> 01:09:29,208 [Damienal] What are you standing here waiting for? It's Charlie, is it? 1143 01:09:29,252 --> 01:09:31,732 John? Are you a mute? 1144 01:09:31,776 --> 01:09:34,866 Who the hell did your tie? It's just not acceptable. 1145 01:09:36,607 --> 01:09:39,175 [narrator] But then he saw her. 1146 01:09:39,218 --> 01:09:43,004 "What would Dr. Johnson do," he thought to himself? 1147 01:09:43,048 --> 01:09:46,182 Would he sell out his principles for the greater good? 1148 01:09:49,054 --> 01:09:50,969 Hi, Wrinkles. 1149 01:09:51,012 --> 01:09:54,277 The Amberson girl seemed to think so. 1150 01:09:55,452 --> 01:09:56,844 [whistles] 1151 01:10:19,693 --> 01:10:23,871 Uh, good evening, sir. Uh... Here just... 1152 01:10:53,901 --> 01:10:56,513 Last chance, Wrinkles. 1153 01:10:58,036 --> 01:10:59,472 Going once, 1154 01:11:00,430 --> 01:11:02,258 going twice, 1155 01:11:03,607 --> 01:11:05,173 - Going-- - All right. 1156 01:11:06,740 --> 01:11:08,699 You can have the house. 1157 01:11:10,309 --> 01:11:11,963 And the island? 1158 01:11:12,006 --> 01:11:13,573 And the island. 1159 01:11:25,150 --> 01:11:28,066 ♪♪ 1160 01:11:39,773 --> 01:11:41,949 You won't sell it to Lapham, will you? 1161 01:11:43,473 --> 01:11:44,778 I might. 1162 01:11:46,040 --> 01:11:47,955 He'll probably flatten it, 1163 01:11:47,999 --> 01:11:50,306 give himself a lovely view. 1164 01:11:51,698 --> 01:11:54,484 He's quite the conservationist, you know? 1165 01:11:57,095 --> 01:11:59,271 What if I deny we made a deal? 1166 01:12:05,408 --> 01:12:08,411 State of the art, high tech. 1167 01:12:09,455 --> 01:12:10,761 [Harry] Bitch! 1168 01:12:13,154 --> 01:12:16,984 [narrator] Harry pulled out the only tuxedo he owned. 1169 01:12:17,028 --> 01:12:19,465 On the night when he lived the words 1170 01:12:19,509 --> 01:12:22,033 he so desperately wanted to write, 1171 01:12:22,076 --> 01:12:25,993 he felt as he should look his very best. 1172 01:12:26,037 --> 01:12:30,998 Also, just in case Chloe was still mingling at the Lapham's party 1173 01:12:31,042 --> 01:12:33,000 or if he should make the front page 1174 01:12:33,044 --> 01:12:35,394 of the local Southampton press 1175 01:12:35,438 --> 01:12:38,832 his old blue shirt wouldn't suffice. 1176 01:12:44,316 --> 01:12:45,752 [Hector] Ladies and gentlemen, 1177 01:12:47,232 --> 01:12:49,321 Mr. Fred Astaire. 1178 01:12:54,674 --> 01:12:57,155 [typewriter keys typing] 1179 01:12:59,723 --> 01:13:03,161 [thunder clapping] 1180 01:13:26,489 --> 01:13:28,534 [groans] 1181 01:13:28,578 --> 01:13:30,971 Much obliged, Miss Polite. 1182 01:13:35,454 --> 01:13:38,805 [wood creaking] 1183 01:13:43,114 --> 01:13:44,811 Here we go. 1184 01:14:55,142 --> 01:14:58,189 [Hector] How do you know you won't hit the party tent? 1185 01:14:59,625 --> 01:15:02,672 'Cause... I know. 1186 01:15:02,715 --> 01:15:05,239 [Hector] Oh, that's a relief. 1187 01:15:11,768 --> 01:15:14,118 [machine whirring] 1188 01:15:17,034 --> 01:15:19,384 [machine beeping] 1189 01:15:32,789 --> 01:15:34,530 Uh oh. 1190 01:15:36,706 --> 01:15:39,709 [narrator] Harry looked on in disbelief. 1191 01:15:39,752 --> 01:15:41,493 His plan was perfect. 1192 01:15:41,537 --> 01:15:44,104 How could this have happened? 1193 01:15:44,148 --> 01:15:46,106 What could have gone wrong? 1194 01:15:48,979 --> 01:15:52,025 "Horse hair," he muttered to himself. 1195 01:16:03,080 --> 01:16:05,082 [Hector] Put me down! Put me down! 1196 01:16:05,125 --> 01:16:07,214 I'm trying to save your life. 1197 01:16:07,258 --> 01:16:08,999 [Hector] The Lord will look after me. 1198 01:16:09,042 --> 01:16:10,566 He's busy. 1199 01:16:12,742 --> 01:16:14,918 [Hector] Well, I hope you're satisfied. 1200 01:16:19,662 --> 01:16:21,620 Harry, aren't you coming with? 1201 01:16:23,927 --> 01:16:26,582 [thunderclap] 1202 01:16:28,975 --> 01:16:33,458 [Harry] I take this post mortem opportunity nevertheless 1203 01:16:33,501 --> 01:16:36,679 to tell you about the lecture I could not deliver in person. 1204 01:16:39,159 --> 01:16:42,162 My lecture was to be about Lapham, 1205 01:16:42,206 --> 01:16:47,037 my sordidly ambitious, absurdly self-important, 1206 01:16:47,080 --> 01:16:51,824 ears splittingly, noise making, unwanted neighbor, Lapham. 1207 01:16:52,912 --> 01:16:54,435 For anything you want to know 1208 01:16:54,479 --> 01:16:57,961 about the destructive witless 20th century, 1209 01:16:58,004 --> 01:16:59,789 you may look to Lapham. 1210 01:17:01,312 --> 01:17:03,314 But here comes the sad part of my lecture, 1211 01:17:03,357 --> 01:17:05,229 dear Chautauquins, 1212 01:17:05,272 --> 01:17:08,493 for I hoped to inform you that against all odds, 1213 01:17:08,536 --> 01:17:10,321 I had defeated Lapham, 1214 01:17:10,364 --> 01:17:13,237 reversed his upward progress 1215 01:17:13,280 --> 01:17:16,675 or at the very least slowed him down, 1216 01:17:16,719 --> 01:17:18,938 yet to my sorrow and embarrassment 1217 01:17:18,982 --> 01:17:21,724 I must report not my victory, 1218 01:17:21,767 --> 01:17:24,335 but rather his. 1219 01:17:24,378 --> 01:17:27,164 Mine was the vanity of human wishes. 1220 01:17:34,737 --> 01:17:38,349 What lesson may I bring you, my worthy Chautauquins? 1221 01:17:40,307 --> 01:17:42,701 The lesson is this, 1222 01:17:42,745 --> 01:17:45,312 the reason that Lapham has won this time 1223 01:17:45,356 --> 01:17:48,664 and will win again and will always win 1224 01:17:48,707 --> 01:17:50,622 is that you allow it. 1225 01:17:52,537 --> 01:17:57,237 You sit together, but you do not stand together. 1226 01:17:57,281 --> 01:18:00,501 Rise up, Chautauquins. 1227 01:18:00,545 --> 01:18:05,724 Rise as Lapham is rising and smite him. 1228 01:18:05,768 --> 01:18:08,988 Not with weapons, they will fail, take it from me, 1229 01:18:09,032 --> 01:18:12,252 but rather with your books 1230 01:18:12,296 --> 01:18:14,864 and your songs and your laughter. 1231 01:18:14,907 --> 01:18:18,258 Beat him back with your modesty, 1232 01:18:18,302 --> 01:18:20,260 the knowledge of frailty, 1233 01:18:20,304 --> 01:18:23,394 that is to say with your humanity, 1234 01:18:24,525 --> 01:18:27,180 or if you prefer 1235 01:18:27,224 --> 01:18:31,445 you all can go out and live on your separate islands 1236 01:18:31,489 --> 01:18:35,711 and seethe and fume and rant 1237 01:18:35,754 --> 01:18:38,235 and go nuts in the company 1238 01:18:38,278 --> 01:18:41,978 of your sarcastic, Bible-thumping dog. 1239 01:18:45,808 --> 01:18:47,287 It worked for me. 1240 01:18:49,725 --> 01:18:53,119 [thunderclap] 1241 01:19:10,615 --> 01:19:13,183 [people shouting] 1242 01:19:13,226 --> 01:19:17,100 Harry, Harry, what are you doing? 1243 01:19:17,143 --> 01:19:19,537 What are you doing, Harry? 1244 01:19:19,580 --> 01:19:21,974 Señor March, por favor. 1245 01:19:22,018 --> 01:19:23,759 For Christ's sake, Harry! 1246 01:19:28,241 --> 01:19:31,505 My...! My house! 1247 01:19:33,681 --> 01:19:35,727 My house! 1248 01:19:35,771 --> 01:19:38,817 Harry! Harry March! 1249 01:19:38,861 --> 01:19:41,211 You crook! 1250 01:19:41,254 --> 01:19:42,821 We had a deal! 1251 01:19:42,865 --> 01:19:44,431 ♪♪ 1252 01:19:44,475 --> 01:19:45,519 Harry! 1253 01:19:47,957 --> 01:19:51,482 Oh my! Oh my, my, my! 1254 01:19:51,525 --> 01:19:53,832 What have I done? 1255 01:19:53,876 --> 01:19:55,268 I've lowered the value 1256 01:19:55,312 --> 01:19:57,836 of Hamptons real estate. 1257 01:19:57,880 --> 01:20:00,012 If only I had a swimming pool, 1258 01:20:00,056 --> 01:20:03,320 I could use the water to put out the fire. 1259 01:20:11,328 --> 01:20:12,982 [Kathy] Oh, oh. [giggling] 1260 01:20:13,025 --> 01:20:15,898 Harry, Mr. Lapham's here. 1261 01:20:15,941 --> 01:20:18,378 He's coming for you. 1262 01:20:18,422 --> 01:20:23,383 Oh, he's so excited his Tillis Blowhard finally worked. Ha! 1263 01:20:23,427 --> 01:20:25,385 Isn't that wonderful? 1264 01:20:25,429 --> 01:20:28,388 [Damienal] Mr. March, fear not. 1265 01:20:28,432 --> 01:20:32,784 Mr. Lapham is coming to save you in his boat. 1266 01:20:33,785 --> 01:20:35,047 No! 1267 01:20:35,091 --> 01:20:36,701 [Damienal] No, what do you mean no? 1268 01:20:36,744 --> 01:20:38,790 There's no need to worry, sir. 1269 01:20:38,834 --> 01:20:42,185 Mr. Lapham has the best powerboat in the world. 1270 01:20:42,228 --> 01:20:44,752 It has both gas and jet engines and draws only six inches of water 1271 01:20:44,796 --> 01:20:47,190 so don't bloody tell me no. 1272 01:20:47,233 --> 01:20:49,409 and it costs $650,000. 1273 01:20:49,453 --> 01:20:53,065 You tell Mr. Lapham to stay put! 1274 01:20:53,109 --> 01:20:56,590 I will not be rescued by my destroyer! 1275 01:20:56,634 --> 01:21:00,290 Oh, come on Mr. March, damn it, Harry. You're being very provincial. 1276 01:21:00,333 --> 01:21:02,945 Get your head out of your-- Please get in the boat! 1277 01:21:03,859 --> 01:21:05,121 Mr. March. 1278 01:21:13,564 --> 01:21:15,609 [Hector barking] 1279 01:21:23,487 --> 01:21:26,229 [Hector] Hey, Harry, I got help. 1280 01:21:26,272 --> 01:21:27,578 Isn't that great? 1281 01:21:28,448 --> 01:21:29,623 Hector, 1282 01:21:32,713 --> 01:21:34,541 you traitor. 1283 01:22:01,917 --> 01:22:04,223 [thunderclap] 1284 01:22:06,399 --> 01:22:10,490 [Lapham] Wow, look at this place. 1285 01:22:12,492 --> 01:22:14,364 What a venue. 1286 01:22:14,407 --> 01:22:17,367 Name your price, sir. 1287 01:22:17,410 --> 01:22:21,719 [thunderclap] 1288 01:22:21,762 --> 01:22:24,504 What do you call this place? 1289 01:22:28,682 --> 01:22:30,423 Noman. 1290 01:22:30,467 --> 01:22:31,772 [Lapham] Noman? 1291 01:22:33,209 --> 01:22:35,124 What's that? 1292 01:22:35,167 --> 01:22:37,778 ♪♪