1
00:01:45,962 --> 00:01:48,930
Oh, shit. Hey. Hey.
What's... What's this all about?

2
00:01:48,932 --> 00:01:51,532
Hey. Whoa.
This is about Randall, isn't it?

3
00:01:51,534 --> 00:01:53,335
Randall Graves?
I could take you to him.

4
00:01:53,337 --> 00:01:54,469
Seriously, I can.

5
00:01:54,471 --> 00:01:56,506
Listen, guys, I'm not even
supposed to be here today.

6
00:01:56,939 --> 00:01:59,374
One out
of twelve. One out of twelve.

7
00:01:59,376 --> 00:02:00,675
- Gun.
- Stand-by,

8
00:02:00,677 --> 00:02:03,744
suspects operating
illegal marijuana dispensary

9
00:02:03,746 --> 00:02:05,981
inside baked chicken
sandwich store.

10
00:02:05,983 --> 00:02:07,716
I love this shit.

11
00:02:07,718 --> 00:02:10,052
I finally get to arrest
these motherfuckers.

12
00:02:21,799 --> 00:02:23,764
All right, you motherfuckers.

13
00:02:23,766 --> 00:02:27,401
I know you're in there.
Come out right now.

14
00:02:27,403 --> 00:02:28,406
- Yeah.
- Woo.

15
00:02:39,983 --> 00:02:42,451
This is
the Leonardo Police Department.

16
00:02:42,453 --> 00:02:43,285
You're under arrest

17
00:02:43,287 --> 00:02:44,953
for suspicion
of drug trafficking.

18
00:02:44,955 --> 00:02:46,924
Drop your plants now.

19
00:02:48,891 --> 00:02:51,596
I said
drop the motherfucking plants!

20
00:02:53,563 --> 00:02:55,566
I'm the boss.
He did what the fuck I said.

21
00:02:58,836 --> 00:03:01,803
What the...
I said plants, not pants.

22
00:03:01,805 --> 00:03:03,804
- There's nothing there, man.
- That is a white dude.

23
00:03:03,806 --> 00:03:06,441
- What the fuck do you expect?
- There's nothing there!

24
00:03:06,443 --> 00:03:07,909
What the fuck, Sarge?

25
00:03:07,911 --> 00:03:09,678
This son of a bitch
doesn't have a dick.

26
00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:13,582
He's got a fucking dick.
He just got it tucked in.

27
00:03:13,584 --> 00:03:14,916
All right, Buffalo Bill.

28
00:03:14,918 --> 00:03:17,388
Where's your buddy?
Mr. Silence of the Lambs.

29
00:03:23,159 --> 00:03:26,460
Identify yourselves,
motherfuckers!

30
00:03:26,462 --> 00:03:31,066
I'm Jay and this is
my hetero lifemate, Silent Bob.

31
00:03:31,068 --> 00:03:34,970
♪ Good-bye horses ♪

32
00:03:34,972 --> 00:03:41,646
♪ I'm flying, flying,
Flying over you ♪

33
00:03:48,419 --> 00:03:49,754
Home sweet home, right?

34
00:03:53,856 --> 00:03:57,995
Everyone say,
"Yay, it's Jay and Silent Bob."

35
00:03:58,594 --> 00:04:02,596
- Well, just look at you two.
- Who the fuck are you?

36
00:04:02,598 --> 00:04:04,733
I'm your lawyer.
That's who the fuck I am.

37
00:04:04,735 --> 00:04:06,935
Did anybody ever tell you
how a courtroom works?

38
00:04:06,937 --> 00:04:09,137
Okay.
In the criminal justice system,

39
00:04:09,139 --> 00:04:10,805
the people are represented
by two separate

40
00:04:10,807 --> 00:04:12,473
yet equally important groups.

41
00:04:12,475 --> 00:04:14,542
Dude, we've seen
all the Law & Orders.

42
00:04:14,544 --> 00:04:17,178
Oh, me too.
Dick Wolf is a genius.

43
00:04:17,180 --> 00:04:18,880
I just love all of his shows
so much.

44
00:04:18,882 --> 00:04:22,487
In fact, my Grindr name is
Dick Wolfer. Remember that.

45
00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:25,553
Oh, I almost forgot.
Before I represent you,

46
00:04:25,555 --> 00:04:27,925
I'm gonna need you to sign
these legal documents.

47
00:04:29,860 --> 00:04:31,459
What? Read it first?

48
00:04:31,461 --> 00:04:33,627
I mean, come on.
Who cares what that shit says?

49
00:04:33,629 --> 00:04:34,632
Just sign it.

50
00:04:35,531 --> 00:04:36,533
Yeah.

51
00:04:41,038 --> 00:04:44,738
I can't believe that worked.
Well, perfection.

52
00:04:44,740 --> 00:04:46,640
I hope you're both prepared
to go home today,

53
00:04:46,642 --> 00:04:49,144
because I am the best lawyer
in showbiz.

54
00:04:49,146 --> 00:04:50,711
Seriously,
I'm like the Dick Wolf

55
00:04:50,713 --> 00:04:52,613
of getting guys off
with my mouth.

56
00:04:52,615 --> 00:04:56,517
But that's why you hired me,
am I right? Or am I wrong?

57
00:04:56,519 --> 00:04:57,952
But we didn't hire you.

58
00:04:57,954 --> 00:05:00,056
- Small formality.
- All rise.

59
00:05:06,963 --> 00:05:09,466
Thank you. Be seated.

60
00:05:10,901 --> 00:05:14,536
Docket number 37,
People v. Jay and Silent Bob.

61
00:05:14,538 --> 00:05:15,872
Jay and Silent Bob are back?

62
00:05:18,242 --> 00:05:19,608
Charges are drug trafficking

63
00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:21,675
and running an illegal
drug dispensary

64
00:05:21,677 --> 00:05:23,747
disguised as a
chicken sandwich shop called...

65
00:05:27,317 --> 00:05:28,750
...Cock Smoker.

66
00:05:31,555 --> 00:05:32,557
Hello, boys.

67
00:05:33,057 --> 00:05:35,656
If you two are here,
it must be a weekday,

68
00:05:35,658 --> 00:05:37,558
but this isn't a court
appointed attorney.

69
00:05:37,560 --> 00:05:39,229
I spy one of those lawyers
you have to pay.

70
00:05:39,663 --> 00:05:41,962
How do your clients plead,
Counselor?

71
00:05:44,100 --> 00:05:45,202
Not guilty, Your Honor.

72
00:05:46,168 --> 00:05:47,971
I guess the weed grew itself.

73
00:05:48,872 --> 00:05:49,874
People on bail?

74
00:05:50,607 --> 00:05:51,572
Hey, Jerry.

75
00:05:51,574 --> 00:05:54,743
- How you doing?
- So we the people would hope

76
00:05:54,745 --> 00:05:57,514
that Your Highness
would remand custody.

77
00:05:58,615 --> 00:05:59,714
Cool?

78
00:05:59,716 --> 00:06:02,017
And I imagine you see it
all differently, Counselor?

79
00:06:02,019 --> 00:06:03,218
The Cock Smoker was neither

80
00:06:03,220 --> 00:06:04,853
eatery nor dispensary,
Your Honor.

81
00:06:04,855 --> 00:06:06,691
It was merely
a promotional pop-up shop.

82
00:06:07,790 --> 00:06:08,923
This affidavit is
from a Hollywood

83
00:06:08,925 --> 00:06:11,892
motion picture company
and this proves that my clients

84
00:06:11,894 --> 00:06:13,827
were nothing more
than paid performers

85
00:06:13,829 --> 00:06:15,230
for a real world
promotional stunt

86
00:06:15,232 --> 00:06:16,767
in support
of a forthcoming movie.

87
00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:19,069
- We are?
- Yes.

88
00:06:19,769 --> 00:06:20,471
We are.

89
00:06:20,971 --> 00:06:23,305
So I ask that all charges
be dropped since my clients

90
00:06:23,307 --> 00:06:26,074
- are so obviously innocent.
- Easy.

91
00:06:26,076 --> 00:06:28,043
They may be obvious
but one thing I would not call

92
00:06:28,045 --> 00:06:29,514
these two is innocent.

93
00:06:30,047 --> 00:06:33,784
But for today, at least,
they are not guilty.

94
00:06:34,350 --> 00:06:37,752
Jay and Silent Bob,
you're free to go.

95
00:06:37,754 --> 00:06:38,956
Case dismissed.

96
00:06:39,790 --> 00:06:42,223
Holy shit.
What the fuck just happened?

97
00:06:42,225 --> 00:06:45,596
I set you free, butterflies,
as promised.

98
00:06:46,262 --> 00:06:47,864
Remember Dick Wolfer on Grindr.

99
00:06:51,134 --> 00:06:52,267
Docket number 38,

100
00:06:52,269 --> 00:06:56,040
Hollywood motion picture company
v. Jay and Silent Bob.

101
00:06:59,242 --> 00:07:01,212
Who's here representing
Hollywood?

102
00:07:02,812 --> 00:07:03,880
I am, Your Honor.

103
00:07:05,081 --> 00:07:06,147
What are you doing?

104
00:07:06,149 --> 00:07:07,082
This is only
my second case of the day

105
00:07:07,084 --> 00:07:08,817
and to tell you the truth,
the whole truth,

106
00:07:08,819 --> 00:07:10,050
and nothing but the truth...

107
00:07:10,052 --> 00:07:12,187
...I already need
a fucking drink. Jesus.

108
00:07:12,189 --> 00:07:13,721
Can we get this going,
Counselor?

109
00:07:13,723 --> 00:07:15,656
As you can see,
I have a ton of cases

110
00:07:15,658 --> 00:07:17,127
that we need
to get through today.

111
00:07:19,329 --> 00:07:21,665
Absolutely, Your Honor.

112
00:07:22,132 --> 00:07:24,568
Your Honor, my client,
Saban Films,

113
00:07:25,002 --> 00:07:26,935
is seeking an injunction
against the defendants

114
00:07:26,937 --> 00:07:28,670
for copyright infringement

115
00:07:28,672 --> 00:07:32,106
of the trademarked intellectual
property Jay and Silent Bob.

116
00:07:32,108 --> 00:07:33,808
Yo, this guy's lying,
Your Honor.

117
00:07:33,810 --> 00:07:35,709
Me and Silent Bob
don't own any property.

118
00:07:35,711 --> 00:07:38,312
We've never been intellectual
about anything.

119
00:07:38,314 --> 00:07:40,350
Have your mouth take a knee.

120
00:07:41,250 --> 00:07:43,250
Saban Films.

121
00:07:43,252 --> 00:07:45,120
Didn't they make the
Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers?

122
00:07:45,122 --> 00:07:47,022
Oh, man. You ever see the one
where the red ranger

123
00:07:47,024 --> 00:07:48,288
turns into the gold ranger?

124
00:07:48,290 --> 00:07:50,925
- Dope.
- That was years ago, Your Honor.

125
00:07:50,927 --> 00:07:52,793
Now they're more
of a multimedia company.

126
00:07:52,795 --> 00:07:56,397
Oh. Does the multimedia combine
into a giant Megazord?

127
00:07:56,399 --> 00:07:57,598
Oh, shit.

128
00:07:57,600 --> 00:08:00,338
- ♪ Go, Power Rangers ♪
- Deep cuts, Your Honor.

129
00:08:00,771 --> 00:08:04,339
Anyhoo, last year, Saban Films
acquired worldwide rights

130
00:08:04,341 --> 00:08:07,074
to the campy old
Bluntman and Chronic movie

131
00:08:07,076 --> 00:08:11,983
- for about $3,700 on Craigslist.
- They overpaid.

132
00:08:12,415 --> 00:08:16,183
So, now, all the underlying
rights belong to my client,

133
00:08:16,185 --> 00:08:18,322
including,
not only the titular characters,

134
00:08:18,822 --> 00:08:21,792
but their supporting
secret identities as well,

135
00:08:22,492 --> 00:08:26,394
the registered trademarks
of Jay and Silent Bob.

136
00:08:26,396 --> 00:08:30,067
Ergo, Your Honor,
Saban Films owns their names.

137
00:08:30,901 --> 00:08:32,067
What?

138
00:08:32,069 --> 00:08:34,736
I said Saban Films owns
your names.

139
00:08:34,738 --> 00:08:37,906
Is there any paperwork to back
up a claim this wild, Counselor?

140
00:08:37,908 --> 00:08:39,110
Oh, yes, Your Honor.

141
00:08:39,844 --> 00:08:42,243
I present contracts signed
by the defendants

142
00:08:42,245 --> 00:08:45,079
giving Saban Films
total discretionary control

143
00:08:45,081 --> 00:08:47,081
over the names
Jay and Silent Bob.

144
00:08:47,083 --> 00:08:48,785
That's the paper we just signed?

145
00:08:50,052 --> 00:08:51,688
Will the defendants please rise?

146
00:08:53,289 --> 00:08:54,891
Oh, shit. We're the defendants?

147
00:08:55,325 --> 00:08:59,326
This document confirms that
Saban Films does indeed own

148
00:08:59,328 --> 00:09:02,162
the 2001 movie
Bluntman and Chronic.

149
00:09:02,164 --> 00:09:05,032
What? That old ass star-studded
piece of shit?

150
00:09:05,034 --> 00:09:07,301
That movie sucked balls.

151
00:09:07,303 --> 00:09:09,804
Not just balls.
It sucked asshole too.

152
00:09:09,806 --> 00:09:11,506
Your Honor, I object.

153
00:09:11,508 --> 00:09:14,776
I'll allow it. That movie did
suck balls and asshole.

154
00:09:14,778 --> 00:09:18,179
Jay and Silent Bob, you are
hereby legally prohibited

155
00:09:18,181 --> 00:09:21,882
from calling yourselves
Jay and Silent Bob ever again.

156
00:09:23,186 --> 00:09:25,887
You're out of order!
You're out of order!

157
00:09:25,889 --> 00:09:28,922
This whole fucking court's
out of order!

158
00:09:28,924 --> 00:09:29,993
Somebody wants an Oscar.

159
00:09:39,970 --> 00:09:41,869
Why'd you move your store
to the mall?

160
00:09:41,871 --> 00:09:43,807
Because apparently,
I wanted to be alone...

161
00:09:44,541 --> 00:09:45,743
Snoogans.

162
00:09:46,210 --> 00:09:47,876
Nah, rent's just cheaper here,

163
00:09:47,878 --> 00:09:50,545
on account of
the mall is slowly dying.

164
00:09:50,547 --> 00:09:53,147
The old girl's
on her last legs, boys.

165
00:09:53,149 --> 00:09:55,819
So much so that you got to
watch out for all the mall rats.

166
00:09:56,886 --> 00:09:58,386
I... I didn't see any kids here.

167
00:09:58,388 --> 00:10:00,988
No, I mean the actual rats
we got running around

168
00:10:00,990 --> 00:10:02,956
this abandoned shithole
of a mall.

169
00:10:02,958 --> 00:10:04,025
Hit the deck, boys.

170
00:10:05,595 --> 00:10:06,964
Let me get this straight...

171
00:10:07,798 --> 00:10:10,964
you guys got busted for running
an illegal pot shop

172
00:10:10,966 --> 00:10:13,200
inside a fake
chicken sandwich store

173
00:10:13,202 --> 00:10:16,204
and the Hollywood lawyer
you didn't hire got you off,

174
00:10:16,206 --> 00:10:18,272
but then he somehow stole
your names?

175
00:10:18,274 --> 00:10:21,475
And then the cops stole the weed
we were working out for years.

176
00:10:21,477 --> 00:10:24,145
And all we got left
from the best bud in the world

177
00:10:24,147 --> 00:10:26,314
are these three joints
right here

178
00:10:26,316 --> 00:10:29,584
made from the flower of one
of the three strains of gold.

179
00:10:29,586 --> 00:10:32,020
Huh. I knew you guys
were weed dealers,

180
00:10:32,022 --> 00:10:34,088
but I never knew you were
weed growers.

181
00:10:34,090 --> 00:10:35,055
Oh, we learned to grow

182
00:10:35,057 --> 00:10:37,525
from watching our favorite movie
of all time,

183
00:10:37,527 --> 00:10:39,326
How High with Method and Redman.

184
00:10:39,328 --> 00:10:41,595
They're like the black Jay
and Silent Bob.

185
00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:45,300
Holy shit.
You guys still rent DVDs?

186
00:10:45,302 --> 00:10:46,903
Never heard
of Netflix and chill?

187
00:10:47,671 --> 00:10:49,938
One time we Hulu and humped,
right?

188
00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:52,239
But most nights,
we Redbox and jerk off.

189
00:10:52,241 --> 00:10:54,077
So, how are you feeling
about being busted?

190
00:10:55,211 --> 00:10:57,377
♪ The car to drive
What to drink ♪

191
00:10:57,379 --> 00:10:59,546
♪ Ignorant bliss
No need to think ♪

192
00:10:59,548 --> 00:11:02,150
♪ As Barb cakes fetus
On her face ♪

193
00:11:02,152 --> 00:11:04,352
♪ Ken sucks blood
At his workplace... ♪

194
00:11:05,522 --> 00:11:06,954
♪ They take from me... ♪

195
00:11:06,956 --> 00:11:07,957
LOL.

196
00:11:09,592 --> 00:11:11,425
And on top of that,
the judge told us

197
00:11:11,427 --> 00:11:13,060
we weren't even legally allowed

198
00:11:13,062 --> 00:11:15,396
to be Jay
and Silent Bob no more,

199
00:11:15,398 --> 00:11:19,003
because our names were bought by
some assholes from Sbarro films.

200
00:11:19,535 --> 00:11:23,137
- You mean Sbarro's?
- Yeah, those pizza-making fucks!

201
00:11:23,139 --> 00:11:26,907
All because of some stupid movie
that was made 20 years ago.

202
00:11:26,909 --> 00:11:29,042
It's like,
"Come on already, move on.

203
00:11:29,044 --> 00:11:31,112
The dishes are done, man."

204
00:11:31,114 --> 00:11:33,113
Don't Tell Mom
The Babysitter's Dead.

205
00:11:33,115 --> 00:11:35,351
- A Keith Coogan classic.
- Snoogans.

206
00:11:35,818 --> 00:11:39,119
Well, you know, fellas,
I think your legal woes

207
00:11:39,121 --> 00:11:41,189
have less to do
with the stupid old movie

208
00:11:41,191 --> 00:11:43,291
that came out 20 years ago,

209
00:11:43,293 --> 00:11:46,994
and more to do with the stupid
new movie that's coming soon

210
00:11:46,996 --> 00:11:48,164
to a theater near you.

211
00:11:52,668 --> 00:11:54,268
Oh, come on.

212
00:11:54,270 --> 00:11:56,070
Don't tell me you guys
have no idea

213
00:11:56,072 --> 00:11:58,138
there's a new comic book movie
being made

214
00:11:58,140 --> 00:12:00,974
of the old comic book movie
you two are the basis for.

215
00:12:00,976 --> 00:12:02,542
What, again?

216
00:12:02,544 --> 00:12:05,313
And look, they took away my dick
and made me a girl.

217
00:12:05,315 --> 00:12:09,483
I cannot believe they're gonna
remake this Bluntman bullshit.

218
00:12:09,485 --> 00:12:11,455
Uh, it's not a remake,
it's a reboot.

219
00:12:13,423 --> 00:12:15,192
What the fuck is a reboot?

220
00:12:16,259 --> 00:12:18,292
Well, a reboot, boys,

221
00:12:18,294 --> 00:12:20,228
is when Hollywood wants to make
a lot of money

222
00:12:20,230 --> 00:12:22,162
without the hassle of creating
a new movie,

223
00:12:22,164 --> 00:12:24,531
so they take an old movie
and change just enough

224
00:12:24,533 --> 00:12:27,267
to make you pay for
the same shit all over again.

225
00:12:27,269 --> 00:12:30,504
- Those greedy fucking animals.
- Oh, it's insidious.

226
00:12:30,506 --> 00:12:32,172
They take a flick you loved
as a kid

227
00:12:32,174 --> 00:12:34,208
and add youth
and diversity to it.

228
00:12:34,210 --> 00:12:37,210
For example, name the movie
where a robot has secret plans

229
00:12:37,212 --> 00:12:39,414
that could help the good guys
beat the bad guys

230
00:12:39,416 --> 00:12:41,281
and their leader in a black mask

231
00:12:41,283 --> 00:12:43,550
by blowing up a giant ray gun
in space.

232
00:12:43,552 --> 00:12:46,554
- Star Wars.
- No. The Force Awakens.

233
00:12:46,556 --> 00:12:49,393
See, now, that's what you call
a reboot. Nang.

234
00:12:50,626 --> 00:12:52,026
I thought that was a sequel.

235
00:12:52,028 --> 00:12:54,462
Hollywood doesn't make
sequels anymore.

236
00:12:54,464 --> 00:12:56,433
Shit, they don't even make
squeakquels, yo.

237
00:12:57,267 --> 00:13:00,267
Studios have given up
on new ideas entirely

238
00:13:00,269 --> 00:13:02,369
in favor of building
multi-movie universes

239
00:13:02,371 --> 00:13:05,506
that breed brand-loyal customers
from cradle to grave.

240
00:13:05,508 --> 00:13:08,008
So if you like Harry Potter,
cashinigus,

241
00:13:08,010 --> 00:13:09,544
you're getting ten fucking more.

242
00:13:09,546 --> 00:13:11,378
You like The Fast and Furious
flicks,

243
00:13:11,380 --> 00:13:14,515
we're gonna drive the franchise
into the ground, bitch.

244
00:13:14,517 --> 00:13:17,451
Ooh, you want another
Marvel movie, here we go.

245
00:13:17,453 --> 00:13:20,655
Hey, man, those Marvel movies
are a triumph of cinema.

246
00:13:20,657 --> 00:13:24,224
I live on those Marvel movies.
I live for those Marvel movies.

247
00:13:24,226 --> 00:13:26,426
I watch those Marvel movies
more than I watch Pornhub,

248
00:13:26,428 --> 00:13:28,363
and I cum twice as hard
doing it.

249
00:13:28,365 --> 00:13:31,232
- Dishes are done, man.
- Look, all I'm saying is,

250
00:13:31,234 --> 00:13:33,633
if Hollywood doesn't start
making some original flicks now,

251
00:13:33,635 --> 00:13:36,204
there's not gonna be anything
to be reboot in ten years,

252
00:13:36,206 --> 00:13:37,675
then they'll just be rebooting
the reboots.

253
00:13:38,107 --> 00:13:40,775
It's like we're reaching
point break for pop culture,

254
00:13:40,777 --> 00:13:42,377
and it ain't gonna be
the good Point Break

255
00:13:42,379 --> 00:13:45,345
with Swayz-dog and Keanu.
It's gonna be the remake.

256
00:13:45,347 --> 00:13:48,549
Wait. What's the difference
between a reboot and a remake?

257
00:13:48,551 --> 00:13:50,184
Well, I'm glad you asked, Jay,

258
00:13:50,186 --> 00:13:52,786
because a remake is like
a reboot where the studio

259
00:13:52,788 --> 00:13:55,555
doesn't care how the audience
feels about the original movie,

260
00:13:55,557 --> 00:13:58,258
so, they just keep the title,
fuck up everything else,

261
00:13:58,260 --> 00:14:00,663
and ruin both flicks
in the process, see?

262
00:14:01,398 --> 00:14:04,531
Which is probably what
Bluntman v Chronic is gonna be,

263
00:14:04,533 --> 00:14:07,602
because the director of this
impending abortion of cinema

264
00:14:07,604 --> 00:14:10,206
is none other than
Kevin fucking Smith.

265
00:14:11,541 --> 00:14:13,708
- Who?
- You know, the guy who directed

266
00:14:13,710 --> 00:14:15,675
that Bruce Willis winner,
Cop Out.

267
00:14:15,677 --> 00:14:16,810
That queef.

268
00:14:16,812 --> 00:14:19,647
They still let him make movies
after that walrus shit?

269
00:14:19,649 --> 00:14:21,214
What can I tell you,
in Hollywood,

270
00:14:21,216 --> 00:14:22,517
people fail upwards.

271
00:14:22,519 --> 00:14:24,618
I fucking hate
stupid Kevin Smith,

272
00:14:24,620 --> 00:14:27,557
first, he took away our names,
then he took away my dick.

273
00:14:27,990 --> 00:14:30,190
Well, we gotta stop
stupid Kevin Smith

274
00:14:30,192 --> 00:14:31,559
from making another shitty movie

275
00:14:31,561 --> 00:14:34,262
about Jay
and Silent Bob ever again.

276
00:14:34,264 --> 00:14:37,000
Well, then, youse guys better
get your asses to Chronic-Con.

277
00:14:39,101 --> 00:14:41,768
- And what the fuck is this shit?
- Chronic-Con,

278
00:14:41,770 --> 00:14:44,539
when it started out, it was
a homegrown fanfest for people

279
00:14:44,541 --> 00:14:47,208
who love that campy old
Bluntman and Chronic movie

280
00:14:47,210 --> 00:14:49,079
with Jason Biggs
and James Van Der Beek.

281
00:14:49,578 --> 00:14:52,546
Those guys, I saw them bitches
get beat up by a monkey.

282
00:14:52,548 --> 00:14:54,147
But now, Chronic-Con's morphed

283
00:14:54,149 --> 00:14:56,117
into an annual
pop culture convention.

284
00:14:56,119 --> 00:14:57,752
I don't know how you guys would
even get in at this point.

285
00:14:57,754 --> 00:14:58,953
Tickets are already sold-out.

286
00:14:58,955 --> 00:15:02,355
Sold-out? After all these years,
what kind of broken fucks

287
00:15:02,357 --> 00:15:05,628
still wanna watch this Jay
and Silent Bob bullshit anyway?

288
00:15:11,267 --> 00:15:13,267
Well, enough to run
an Omaze auction

289
00:15:13,269 --> 00:15:14,638
for a cameo in the reboot.

290
00:15:16,339 --> 00:15:18,442
Hey, man, it's me, Kevin Smith.

291
00:15:18,875 --> 00:15:19,643
You know, the filmmaker...

292
00:15:20,177 --> 00:15:24,112
Look at this ugly motherfucker,
probably got a tiny dick too.

293
00:15:24,114 --> 00:15:26,280
Now, I got some big news
for you, man,

294
00:15:26,282 --> 00:15:30,383
we are shooting a key sequence
to Bluntman v Chronic

295
00:15:30,385 --> 00:15:33,186
at this year's Chronic-Con, man.

296
00:15:33,188 --> 00:15:34,722
This scene is so important.

297
00:15:34,724 --> 00:15:38,126
We cannot finish this movie
without it.

298
00:15:38,128 --> 00:15:41,128
So enter right now
and maybe I'll see you

299
00:15:41,130 --> 00:15:43,733
this Friday in Hollywood.

300
00:15:45,735 --> 00:15:47,236
Would you fucking stop?

301
00:15:47,669 --> 00:15:48,768
Dick.

302
00:15:48,770 --> 00:15:51,638
Hollywood,
where we struck back, yo.

303
00:15:51,640 --> 00:15:54,374
Oh, you will never find
a more wretched hive

304
00:15:54,376 --> 00:15:55,709
of scum and villainy.

305
00:15:55,711 --> 00:15:58,378
But that “director” just said
they couldn't finish the movie

306
00:15:58,380 --> 00:16:00,781
without the scene they're
shooting at this Chronic-Con.

307
00:16:00,783 --> 00:16:02,816
So all we got to do is get
to Hollywood,

308
00:16:02,818 --> 00:16:04,852
stop him from shooting
that scene and biggity bam,

309
00:16:04,854 --> 00:16:06,786
Kevin James can't finish
the movie.

310
00:16:06,788 --> 00:16:08,555
Ke... Never mind.

311
00:16:08,557 --> 00:16:10,324
We got three days to get
to Chronic-Con,

312
00:16:10,326 --> 00:16:13,560
take our names back, rescue
my dick from Kevin James

313
00:16:13,562 --> 00:16:16,196
and stop this reboot
from ever happening.

314
00:16:16,198 --> 00:16:19,499
Come on, Silent Bob,
we're going back to Hollywood.

315
00:16:19,501 --> 00:16:21,604
And on that note,
we cue the music.

316
00:16:33,615 --> 00:16:35,119
Have a great flight.

317
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:40,720
Hi, there.
Welcome to Southbest Airlines.

318
00:16:40,722 --> 00:16:42,323
How can I help y'all?

319
00:16:42,325 --> 00:16:44,724
“Y'all”? What kind
of Jersey accent is that?

320
00:16:44,726 --> 00:16:46,526
I'm from South Jersey.

321
00:16:46,528 --> 00:16:48,396
Now, what can I do for y'all?

322
00:16:48,398 --> 00:16:49,863
Two tickets to Hollywood.

323
00:16:49,865 --> 00:16:53,370
In coach, I'm assuming.

324
00:16:55,337 --> 00:16:57,841
That'll be 337 a piece, boys.

325
00:17:04,780 --> 00:17:05,781
Oh.

326
00:17:06,950 --> 00:17:09,353
How about we start
with y'all's names?

327
00:17:11,653 --> 00:17:15,222
I am Don Juan Dela Nooch.

328
00:17:16,358 --> 00:17:21,661
And this is
Senor Roberto Silencio.

329
00:17:21,663 --> 00:17:23,430
Those names sound
kind of made-up.

330
00:17:23,432 --> 00:17:26,467
Listen, lady, our real names
are Jay and Silent Bob,

331
00:17:26,469 --> 00:17:27,735
- but this morning...
- Yeah.

332
00:17:27,737 --> 00:17:30,403
...Kevin James,
The King of fucking Queens,

333
00:17:30,405 --> 00:17:31,738
stole those names.

334
00:17:31,740 --> 00:17:34,241
I can't book y'all under your
fake names,

335
00:17:34,243 --> 00:17:37,580
so why don't I try
Jay and Silent Bob,

336
00:17:38,181 --> 00:17:40,417
which also sound
like fake names, I might add.

337
00:17:42,551 --> 00:17:45,253
Ooh, sorry, boys,

338
00:17:45,255 --> 00:17:48,926
but it says here that you got
a wait problem.

339
00:17:51,361 --> 00:17:53,561
- Weight problem?
- Mm-hmm.

340
00:17:53,563 --> 00:17:55,930
Are you saying
he's still too fat to fly?

341
00:17:55,932 --> 00:17:58,532
Are you fucking blind
as Anne Frank?

342
00:17:58,534 --> 00:18:01,434
Silent Bob lost a bunch
of weight, lady.

343
00:18:01,436 --> 00:18:05,538
He went all vegan and shit,
eating that v-gina.

344
00:18:05,540 --> 00:18:07,807
- That's not right.
- I used to call him lunch box,

345
00:18:07,809 --> 00:18:10,277
but now I have to call him
snack pack.

346
00:18:10,279 --> 00:18:12,646
I used to say,
"Fly, fat ass. Fly."

347
00:18:12,648 --> 00:18:15,650
Now I have to say,
"Fly, low-fat ass. Fly."

348
00:18:15,652 --> 00:18:17,384
Let me make something
straight here,

349
00:18:17,386 --> 00:18:19,987
I said, "Wait problem."

350
00:18:19,989 --> 00:18:26,693
And the... problem is
that y'all can't fly,

351
00:18:26,695 --> 00:18:28,531
because ya are
on the No-Fly List.

352
00:18:30,599 --> 00:18:33,700
There is something here about
a terrorist organization

353
00:18:33,702 --> 00:18:36,671
- called The Clit.
- The Clit's not real.

354
00:18:36,673 --> 00:18:38,608
Says every guy I ever dated.

355
00:18:39,108 --> 00:18:41,574
I'm sorry, but y'all can't fly,

356
00:18:41,576 --> 00:18:43,344
because y'all are
on the No-Fly List,

357
00:18:43,346 --> 00:18:44,444
but you know what you could do,

358
00:18:44,446 --> 00:18:45,781
maybe you could
Ride Me Now instead.

359
00:18:48,084 --> 00:18:49,350
Ride you now?

360
00:18:49,352 --> 00:18:52,420
Ride Me Now is a ride-share app.

361
00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:54,555
So you just do one click

362
00:18:54,557 --> 00:18:57,857
and Ride Me Now
will send you a car

363
00:18:57,859 --> 00:19:00,494
and that car will take y'all
wherever y'all wanna go.

364
00:19:00,496 --> 00:19:01,895
- Yeah?
- Yeah.

365
00:19:01,897 --> 00:19:04,498
Well then, fuck your planes,
Joline.

366
00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:05,836
Okay. Bye-bye.

367
00:19:07,002 --> 00:19:08,371
Go fuck yourself.

368
00:19:15,510 --> 00:19:18,315
The app needs a credit card?
Dude, what are we gonna do?

369
00:19:19,048 --> 00:19:21,114
You know what you do,
you go fuck yourself,

370
00:19:21,116 --> 00:19:22,418
that's what you do.

371
00:19:23,185 --> 00:19:26,620
No. You listen to me,
you call center Khalifa,

372
00:19:26,622 --> 00:19:29,623
the dummy at the counter
couldn't find my reservation,

373
00:19:29,625 --> 00:19:31,691
that's why you're gonna find
my reservation

374
00:19:31,693 --> 00:19:33,861
or I'm gonna have
the both of you fired.

375
00:19:33,863 --> 00:19:36,430
Someone should teach
that motherfucker a lesson.

376
00:19:36,432 --> 00:19:38,865
All right. I'm gonna give you
the credit card number again.

377
00:19:38,867 --> 00:19:41,000
I'm gonna read it so slowly

378
00:19:41,002 --> 00:19:44,671
and out loud in public so that
you will understand.

379
00:19:44,673 --> 00:19:47,543
All right. The name
is Ted Underhill.

380
00:19:48,510 --> 00:19:50,378
Not Ed, Ted.

381
00:19:50,380 --> 00:19:51,615
T... T... T... T.

382
00:19:53,449 --> 00:19:55,619
And the number is nine...

383
00:19:57,487 --> 00:19:58,488
five...

384
00:19:58,954 --> 00:20:00,153
eight...

385
00:20:00,155 --> 00:20:01,090
four...

386
00:20:07,563 --> 00:20:08,696
Ted Underhill?

387
00:20:08,698 --> 00:20:13,066
Yo,
I'm Ted motherfucking Underhill.

388
00:20:18,807 --> 00:20:21,475
Wait. You wanna smoke
one of those unicorns now?

389
00:20:21,477 --> 00:20:23,177
Dude, we only got
three left, man.

390
00:20:23,179 --> 00:20:25,813
And after we smoke them,
they're gone forever.

391
00:20:25,815 --> 00:20:28,047
Let's save them
for a special occasion.

392
00:20:28,049 --> 00:20:32,722
I say we smoke
this little bitch.

393
00:20:33,155 --> 00:20:34,357
Ooh.

394
00:20:35,057 --> 00:20:38,159
Oh, come on, man.
I roll a perfect Silent Bob

395
00:20:38,161 --> 00:20:39,927
and you're pissed about it?

396
00:20:39,929 --> 00:20:42,065
This motherfucker belongs
in a museum, son.

397
00:20:43,432 --> 00:20:44,433
Light it up.

398
00:20:54,743 --> 00:20:57,478
I'm almost glad you guys
are smoking back there.

399
00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:59,580
I was driving someone
about a week ago

400
00:20:59,582 --> 00:21:03,150
and he took a, uh, big shit
in the back seat.

401
00:21:03,152 --> 00:21:06,123
I had no idea until the next
passenger found it.

402
00:21:06,855 --> 00:21:08,057
It was everywhere.

403
00:21:08,657 --> 00:21:10,092
You have no idea how hard it is

404
00:21:11,124 --> 00:21:11,994
to get the smell of shit
out of pleather.

405
00:21:12,428 --> 00:21:15,499
I mean, it just stays there,
really, it's like a ghost.

406
00:21:16,098 --> 00:21:18,968
You guys are my first two
passengers since that big shit.

407
00:21:19,769 --> 00:21:22,001
I'm your driver by the way,
Todd Merkinsky.

408
00:21:22,003 --> 00:21:23,603
Nice to meet you.

409
00:21:23,605 --> 00:21:27,074
Oh, Merkinsky.
I will call you Merkin.

410
00:21:29,111 --> 00:21:30,209
Todd would be better.

411
00:21:30,211 --> 00:21:32,880
Why does your car smell like
French fries, Merkin?

412
00:21:32,882 --> 00:21:36,019
Because in my car, guess what
I have instead of gum,

413
00:21:36,885 --> 00:21:39,987
I have tater tots.
Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.

414
00:21:39,989 --> 00:21:42,021
You got tater tots up
in this bitch,

415
00:21:42,023 --> 00:21:43,157
where you'd get them?

416
00:21:43,159 --> 00:21:46,059
Well, I'm a businessman,
an entrepreneur,

417
00:21:46,061 --> 00:21:51,097
and, uh, I had a business idea,
teen girls love tater tots.

418
00:21:51,099 --> 00:21:54,136
So I came up with Hater Totz.

419
00:21:54,703 --> 00:21:56,937
Got a little, uh, quiz on there,

420
00:21:56,939 --> 00:21:58,808
you know, is your BFF
really the bezt

421
00:21:59,241 --> 00:22:01,542
and it's kind of like a,
I don't know,

422
00:22:01,544 --> 00:22:03,113
TigerBeat
on a box of tater tots.

423
00:22:03,613 --> 00:22:05,179
And those tween girls,

424
00:22:05,181 --> 00:22:07,515
they still love that TigerBeat,
right?

425
00:22:07,517 --> 00:22:08,882
Right?

426
00:22:08,884 --> 00:22:10,953
I'm wrong. I was very wrong.

427
00:22:11,421 --> 00:22:14,721
Hater Totz means different
things to different people.

428
00:22:14,723 --> 00:22:16,257
What do I mean by that?

429
00:22:16,259 --> 00:22:20,227
Well, Hater Totz started
attracting a customer base

430
00:22:20,229 --> 00:22:23,133
I never wanted or asked for...

431
00:22:24,567 --> 00:22:25,900
white nationalists.

432
00:22:25,902 --> 00:22:28,038
Can you believe it?
How did they even hear about it?

433
00:22:28,671 --> 00:22:32,174
So, I shut down. I just declared
bankruptcy and now, well...

434
00:22:32,909 --> 00:22:35,843
I serve these leftover
tater tots to all my riders,

435
00:22:35,845 --> 00:22:38,011
F-O-C, free of charge.

436
00:22:38,013 --> 00:22:40,014
Take as many tater tots
as you want,

437
00:22:40,016 --> 00:22:42,615
eat all the tater tots you take.

438
00:22:42,617 --> 00:22:44,951
By the way, I don't know
if my app is wrong,

439
00:22:44,953 --> 00:22:48,188
but, uh, it says here you're
supposed to go to Hollywood?

440
00:22:48,190 --> 00:22:50,824
All right. That's very,
very far. I'll make you a deal.

441
00:22:50,826 --> 00:22:53,893
I'll drive you all the way
to Hollywood, California.

442
00:22:53,895 --> 00:22:57,030
You give me a big tip
and some amazing feedback.

443
00:22:57,032 --> 00:23:01,634
Deal-io Emilio.
Now, drive, Miss Daisy. Drive.

444
00:23:01,636 --> 00:23:03,606
All right. Here we go.
Hollywood.

445
00:23:08,743 --> 00:23:10,911
Hi. Remember me?

446
00:23:10,913 --> 00:23:13,884
I'm Loki, the Angel of Death
from Dogma.

447
00:23:14,617 --> 00:23:16,850
Now, if your kids are looking
at you right now like,

448
00:23:16,852 --> 00:23:18,051
"That's not Tom Hiddleston,"

449
00:23:18,053 --> 00:23:21,255
just tell them I was Loki
in the '90s, before it was cool.

450
00:23:21,257 --> 00:23:23,527
And I did it
without the fake British accent.

451
00:23:24,027 --> 00:23:26,960
Anyway, for 20 years now
people ask,

452
00:23:26,962 --> 00:23:29,129
"What happened to Loki
at the end of Dogma?

453
00:23:29,131 --> 00:23:30,200
Did he go to hell?”

454
00:23:31,299 --> 00:23:32,568
Heavens no.

455
00:23:33,201 --> 00:23:35,936
Pun intended. But I did almost
unmake existence,

456
00:23:35,938 --> 00:23:39,172
so as punishment, God, who looks
exactly like Alanis Morissette,

457
00:23:39,174 --> 00:23:42,109
banished me to life on earth
again,

458
00:23:42,111 --> 00:23:45,011
but not Wisconsin this time.
Thank, Christ. No.

459
00:23:45,013 --> 00:23:47,648
God dropped me
in the Mediterranean Sea

460
00:23:47,650 --> 00:23:49,753
where I was rescued
by Italian fisherman.

461
00:23:50,220 --> 00:23:51,751
I didn't even know
who I was anymore.

462
00:23:51,753 --> 00:23:53,152
I had total amnesia.

463
00:23:53,154 --> 00:23:55,189
So, after the events of Dogma,

464
00:23:55,191 --> 00:23:57,891
I guess you could say
I was born again.

465
00:23:57,893 --> 00:23:59,930
And what you're looking
at now is...

466
00:24:01,130 --> 00:24:05,065
wait for it, my reborn identity.

467
00:24:05,067 --> 00:24:08,102
Oh, shit. Pun game on point.

468
00:24:08,104 --> 00:24:10,170
You just got touched
by an angel, son.

469
00:24:12,474 --> 00:24:15,742
Anyway,
after driving for half a day,

470
00:24:15,744 --> 00:24:18,312
Jay and Silent Bob
stopped in Chicago,

471
00:24:18,314 --> 00:24:20,283
where their lives
would change forever.

472
00:24:20,950 --> 00:24:25,151
♪ You better be ready
Without that trumpet sound ♪

473
00:24:25,153 --> 00:24:28,021
♪ I know I'm the type
To sneak around n play around ♪

474
00:24:28,023 --> 00:24:29,090
♪ Be ready ♪

475
00:24:29,092 --> 00:24:31,758
♪ Because we're moving on
That town no more ♪

476
00:24:31,760 --> 00:24:34,294
♪ Into Babylon we roam
You better be ready... ♪

477
00:24:34,296 --> 00:24:37,930
Oh, yeah. Cha-cha-cha-cha.
Nice driving, Merkin.

478
00:24:37,932 --> 00:24:40,133
Oh, thanks, Misters Underhill.

479
00:24:40,135 --> 00:24:42,135
To be honest,
I'm glad you wanted to stop.

480
00:24:42,137 --> 00:24:45,038
No offense, but, uh, your
cigarettes are kind of strong.

481
00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:47,910
We ain't smoking cigarettes,
we smoking that weed.

482
00:24:49,244 --> 00:24:50,646
You're smoking marijuana?

483
00:24:51,113 --> 00:24:55,048
Ah, wow.

484
00:24:55,050 --> 00:24:56,285
You guys are so brave.

485
00:24:57,886 --> 00:24:59,385
I'm always scared to be busted
by the cops,

486
00:24:59,387 --> 00:25:01,890
so I've never tried weed
my entire life.

487
00:25:04,292 --> 00:25:07,062
♪ Let's get together
Make the locals stronger... ♪

488
00:25:07,563 --> 00:25:11,230
What? Wait a second. Wait... No.
You wanna give him one of those?

489
00:25:11,232 --> 00:25:13,267
You just heard the man,
he's never smoked in his life

490
00:25:13,269 --> 00:25:15,436
and you wanna bust
his green cherry

491
00:25:15,438 --> 00:25:17,871
with one of our last strains
of gold we have left?

492
00:25:17,873 --> 00:25:19,209
Dude, what are you thinking,
bro?

493
00:25:20,108 --> 00:25:23,276
Oh, Jersey Local 404.

494
00:25:23,278 --> 00:25:25,446
Jersey makes,
the whole world bakes.

495
00:25:25,448 --> 00:25:27,917
We feed every need for weed,
son.

496
00:25:28,584 --> 00:25:31,287
Merkin, this is gonna change
your life.

497
00:25:32,087 --> 00:25:33,088
Change it.

498
00:25:34,022 --> 00:25:36,724
♪ I reach to find
Though have no return ♪

499
00:25:36,726 --> 00:25:38,491
- ♪ The liberation of my people ♪
- There you go, boss.

500
00:25:38,493 --> 00:25:40,360
♪ Is my main concern ♪

501
00:25:40,362 --> 00:25:42,432
♪ Only if we come together... ♪

502
00:25:45,867 --> 00:25:47,903
- Yeah.
- ♪ M-o-o-b-y-s ♪

503
00:25:48,770 --> 00:25:51,505
♪ M-o-o-b-y-s ♪

504
00:25:51,507 --> 00:25:54,711
Fuck me up the vegan ass.
I'm gonna get my cow tipper on.

505
00:25:55,243 --> 00:25:58,378
♪ Mooby's is the best
Yes ♪

506
00:25:58,380 --> 00:26:01,949
♪ Mom and Dad
Let's go to Mooby's ♪

507
00:26:01,951 --> 00:26:03,252
♪ Right now! ♪

508
00:26:03,786 --> 00:26:06,953
♪ I want Mooby Mooby in my mouth
Go, go, go ♪

509
00:26:06,955 --> 00:26:10,190
♪ I have Mooby Mooby
In my mouth ♪

510
00:26:10,192 --> 00:26:12,092
♪ He fills me up with meat... ♪

511
00:26:12,094 --> 00:26:13,459
Mr. Underhill.

512
00:26:13,461 --> 00:26:15,328
Mr. Underhill. Mr. Underhill.

513
00:26:15,330 --> 00:26:16,796
♪ ...down South ♪

514
00:26:16,798 --> 00:26:19,999
♪ So, Master Mooby
You're the boss... ♪

515
00:26:20,001 --> 00:26:22,068
Welcome to Moo-by's.

516
00:26:22,070 --> 00:26:25,037
What are you
in the moo-d for today?

517
00:26:26,442 --> 00:26:29,910
Let me get one of those
Moo-ilk shakes

518
00:26:29,912 --> 00:26:31,879
and a cow tipper with fries.

519
00:26:31,881 --> 00:26:35,783
And, oh, let me get one of those
fur burgers Brazilian style

520
00:26:35,785 --> 00:26:37,053
for our chauffer outside.

521
00:26:37,987 --> 00:26:38,988
Cool.

522
00:26:42,423 --> 00:26:43,992
What?
You want me to order for you?

523
00:26:44,460 --> 00:26:46,860
I don't want your v-gina
touching my burgers.

524
00:26:46,862 --> 00:26:50,063
Come on, dude. That's why
you don't get laid, sir,

525
00:26:50,065 --> 00:26:52,165
because women love meat
in their mouth,

526
00:26:52,167 --> 00:26:54,168
and you ain't nothing
but a broccoli bitch.

527
00:26:54,170 --> 00:26:56,206
So, if you wanna order
your healthy veggies,

528
00:26:56,638 --> 00:27:00,042
open your mouth, do it yourself.
I'm gonna go drop a deuce.

529
00:27:07,348 --> 00:27:10,086
You in the moo-d
for anything else?

530
00:27:20,328 --> 00:27:21,327
Uh-uh.

531
00:27:21,329 --> 00:27:24,134
You did not just offer me
your old man dick.

532
00:27:24,634 --> 00:27:29,169
Okay. Fine. Whip it out.
Come on. Just whip it out.

533
00:27:29,171 --> 00:27:32,506
- Ms. McKenzie!
- What the fuck is going on here?

534
00:27:32,508 --> 00:27:34,778
This old fool
just egg-planted me.

535
00:27:35,310 --> 00:27:38,378
Uh, I'm 47 and I have no idea
what that means.

536
00:27:38,380 --> 00:27:40,146
Now this dirty
old assfuck's in here

537
00:27:40,148 --> 00:27:42,548
trying to show us his dirty
old-ass dick, Ms. McKenzie,

538
00:27:42,550 --> 00:27:44,354
so bust his ass.

539
00:27:47,455 --> 00:27:49,422
Okay, sir. You're gonna have
to come with me.

540
00:27:49,424 --> 00:27:50,326
This way.

541
00:28:09,010 --> 00:28:11,545
Congratulations,
Flappy. You deserve it.

542
00:28:11,547 --> 00:28:14,648
And now with the forecast,
here's News 10's meteorologist,

543
00:28:14,650 --> 00:28:15,615
Justice Falcon.

544
00:28:15,617 --> 00:28:17,417
What's the weather
going to be tomorrow?

545
00:28:17,419 --> 00:28:19,353
We are gonna get so much rain,

546
00:28:19,355 --> 00:28:21,520
I'm getting wet
just thinking about it.

547
00:28:23,125 --> 00:28:24,093
Justice?

548
00:28:27,896 --> 00:28:32,968
♪ You should have seen
By the look in my eyes, baby ♪

549
00:28:33,568 --> 00:28:37,339
♪ There was something missing ♪

550
00:28:38,641 --> 00:28:42,942
♪ And I meant
Every word I said ♪

551
00:28:42,944 --> 00:28:46,412
♪ When I said that I loved you ♪

552
00:28:46,414 --> 00:28:53,653
♪ I meant that I'd love you
Forever ♪

553
00:28:53,655 --> 00:28:58,528
♪ And I'm gonna keep on
Loving you ♪

554
00:28:59,095 --> 00:29:04,166
♪ 'Cause it's the only thing
I wanna do ♪

555
00:29:05,634 --> 00:29:08,367
♪ I don't wanna sleep ♪

556
00:29:08,369 --> 00:29:12,574
♪ I just wanna
Keep on loving you ♪

557
00:29:35,698 --> 00:29:39,032
Holy shit, Silent Bob. Look,
it's my long-lost ex-girlfriend,

558
00:29:39,034 --> 00:29:40,199
Boo Boo Kitty Fuck.

559
00:29:40,201 --> 00:29:43,003
Oh, shit. Is he having a stroke?

560
00:29:43,005 --> 00:29:44,638
Yo, Mary, I used to knock boots

561
00:29:44,640 --> 00:29:45,972
with the weather lady,
all right?

562
00:29:45,974 --> 00:29:47,039
So I'm gonna go find her

563
00:29:47,041 --> 00:29:48,607
and I'm gonna give her
a warm front

564
00:29:48,609 --> 00:29:52,281
with a possible low of 69.
Snoogans.

565
00:29:55,750 --> 00:29:57,252
You want a burger for lunch?

566
00:29:58,386 --> 00:30:00,255
Uh, no thanks.
I just ate some vegan.

567
00:30:06,461 --> 00:30:07,931
Yummy, yummy, yummy.

568
00:30:09,565 --> 00:30:11,530
Holy shit, Merkin's gone.

569
00:30:11,532 --> 00:30:14,000
That entrepreneurial fuck.

570
00:30:14,002 --> 00:30:15,102
Ooh, and your dumbass gave him

571
00:30:15,104 --> 00:30:17,640
one of the last three
strains of gold we had left.

572
00:30:18,140 --> 00:30:20,043
Let's write him a nasty review.

573
00:30:22,577 --> 00:30:24,276
Type this shit,

574
00:30:24,278 --> 00:30:26,546
"Oh, motherfucker,
you're gonna pay.

575
00:30:26,548 --> 00:30:29,181
You are the one
who is the Hater Tot.

576
00:30:29,183 --> 00:30:32,251
Fuck your frozen food dreams.

577
00:30:32,253 --> 00:30:33,754
Do you even know
what a merkin is?

578
00:30:33,756 --> 00:30:36,390
It is a pube toupee.

579
00:30:36,392 --> 00:30:38,357
So why don't you live up
to your name

580
00:30:38,359 --> 00:30:42,062
and go sit on some bald dick.

581
00:30:55,810 --> 00:30:57,443
Lady, lady, lady,

582
00:30:57,445 --> 00:31:00,482
Jay and Silent Bob
are at your hizouse.

583
00:31:01,416 --> 00:31:03,118
Holy shit.

584
00:31:05,421 --> 00:31:08,388
Dude, she's so excited
to see me, she fainted.

585
00:31:08,390 --> 00:31:11,490
Look at that shit, man.
When she wakes up, I'll be like,

586
00:31:11,492 --> 00:31:15,429
"Come, son of Jor-El,
kneel before Zod."

587
00:31:16,531 --> 00:31:18,798
♪ Like a monster
Now they can see me coming ♪

588
00:31:18,800 --> 00:31:20,302
♪ And I only came to crush 'em ♪

589
00:31:20,869 --> 00:31:22,302
Sleep, big boy, sleep.

590
00:31:22,304 --> 00:31:23,773
♪ Get ready
For the main destruction ♪

591
00:31:32,314 --> 00:31:35,218
Holy fuck!

592
00:31:35,750 --> 00:31:36,816
♪ Like a monster ♪

593
00:31:36,818 --> 00:31:38,153
What the fuck is this?

594
00:31:38,621 --> 00:31:40,152
What the fuck is this?

595
00:31:40,154 --> 00:31:42,521
What the fuck are you
even doing here, Jay?

596
00:31:42,523 --> 00:31:44,259
I missed you,
Boo Boo Kitty Fuck.

597
00:31:45,193 --> 00:31:47,195
Aw, you remembered.

598
00:31:48,329 --> 00:31:50,232
- I missed you too.
- Yeah?

599
00:31:51,266 --> 00:31:52,435
Old friend.

600
00:31:53,201 --> 00:31:54,567
Old friend? No, bro.

601
00:31:54,569 --> 00:31:56,335
I'm like a super friend,
all right?

602
00:31:56,337 --> 00:31:58,171
A super friend
who wants to get back

603
00:31:58,173 --> 00:32:01,408
inside the hall of Justice,
yeah.

604
00:32:01,410 --> 00:32:03,079
Uh, okay. Sit down.

605
00:32:09,484 --> 00:32:10,485
Okay.

606
00:32:12,488 --> 00:32:13,489
I'm married, Jay.

607
00:32:14,423 --> 00:32:16,325
Ew, you're fucking married?

608
00:32:17,259 --> 00:32:19,228
- Yeah.
- What about us?

609
00:32:19,728 --> 00:32:21,128
Us?

610
00:32:21,130 --> 00:32:23,395
I haven't heard from you
in 18 years, Jay.

611
00:32:23,397 --> 00:32:26,199
I mean, you never even came
to see me when I was in jail.

612
00:32:26,201 --> 00:32:28,336
Oh, that's because they
wouldn't let us fuck.

613
00:32:29,570 --> 00:32:31,706
Is that why you never visited?

614
00:32:33,142 --> 00:32:35,342
Oh, my gosh. And all this time,

615
00:32:35,344 --> 00:32:37,447
I just thought
you were mad at me.

616
00:32:37,880 --> 00:32:40,416
Why would I be mad at you,
Boo Boo Kitty Fuck?

617
00:32:40,982 --> 00:32:43,752
Because I never told you
I had a baby.

618
00:32:45,520 --> 00:32:48,388
Ew, you're
someone's fucking mom now?

619
00:32:48,390 --> 00:32:50,257
Yes, you big goof.

620
00:32:50,259 --> 00:32:54,294
And, uh, I thought you'd be
upset if you ever found out

621
00:32:54,296 --> 00:32:55,661
who the father is.

622
00:32:55,663 --> 00:32:58,797
Wait, why? Who's the father?
Is it Silent Bob?

623
00:33:00,501 --> 00:33:01,770
No, Jay.

624
00:33:04,873 --> 00:33:06,275
It's you.

625
00:33:19,755 --> 00:33:21,290
I have a fucking kid?

626
00:33:21,757 --> 00:33:24,224
We have a kid. A daughter.

627
00:33:24,226 --> 00:33:25,628
I have a girl daughter?

628
00:33:26,260 --> 00:33:27,960
Why the fuck didn't you tell me,
man?

629
00:33:27,962 --> 00:33:30,232
We could've been a family
this whole time.

630
00:33:30,699 --> 00:33:31,701
A family?

631
00:33:33,501 --> 00:33:36,303
Jay, you're a great guy

632
00:33:36,305 --> 00:33:38,207
and you have
a million-dollar heart.

633
00:33:38,874 --> 00:33:42,745
A nickel head,
but a million-dollar heart.

634
00:33:43,644 --> 00:33:47,413
All you ever needed in life
was Silent Bob and...

635
00:33:47,415 --> 00:33:49,417
...a good bag of weed.

636
00:33:50,751 --> 00:33:54,389
But a baby needs a home
and stability.

637
00:33:55,257 --> 00:33:56,726
I'm stable as a table.

638
00:33:57,393 --> 00:34:01,594
Yeah. Right. What... What are you
doing in Chicago anyway?

639
00:34:01,596 --> 00:34:03,596
Me and Silent Bob are going
to Hollywood

640
00:34:03,598 --> 00:34:06,568
to stop these fuckers
from making a movie about us.

641
00:34:07,301 --> 00:34:08,304
Sounds familiar.

642
00:34:09,237 --> 00:34:13,875
Jay, you're a nice guy
and you're a lot of fun.

643
00:34:15,244 --> 00:34:17,446
But if I'm being honest here...

644
00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:21,918
uh, I really don't think
you're dad material.

645
00:34:28,990 --> 00:34:33,025
But you're here now,
so maybe you should meet

646
00:34:33,027 --> 00:34:35,697
the little girl who knocked
you out and tied you up.

647
00:34:39,034 --> 00:34:41,568
I've always said her dad
took off before she was born,

648
00:34:41,570 --> 00:34:43,536
so she'll have no idea
you two are related.

649
00:34:43,538 --> 00:34:44,670
And I want it to stay that way,

650
00:34:44,672 --> 00:34:47,307
so you can never tell her
who you really are, okay?

651
00:34:47,309 --> 00:34:49,946
You gotta promise me
you won't say anything.

652
00:34:50,679 --> 00:34:53,415
What are you telling me for?
He's the one with the big mouth.

653
00:34:54,849 --> 00:34:57,752
Brace yourself. You're about
to meet our love child.

654
00:35:04,592 --> 00:35:08,561
Uh, I think I'm gonna need
to see a blood test.

655
00:35:08,563 --> 00:35:09,565
Hello.

656
00:35:10,731 --> 00:35:13,032
Mom, I told you
to leave these meth heads

657
00:35:13,034 --> 00:35:14,703
tied up until the cops got here.

658
00:35:15,469 --> 00:35:16,471
Okay.

659
00:35:16,972 --> 00:35:17,903
I didn't call the cops

660
00:35:17,905 --> 00:35:19,972
and these guys
are not meth heads, okay?

661
00:35:19,974 --> 00:35:22,777
They only look like meth heads
because they're from New Jersey.

662
00:35:24,980 --> 00:35:28,951
Boys, this is my daughter,
Millennium Falcon.

663
00:35:30,619 --> 00:35:32,355
Dude, like Star Wars.

664
00:35:32,788 --> 00:35:35,391
Milly, these are friends of mine
from a long time ago,

665
00:35:35,990 --> 00:35:39,561
a long time ago
in a galaxy far, far away.

666
00:35:40,094 --> 00:35:41,596
I almost killed the older one.

667
00:35:42,396 --> 00:35:44,430
Older one?

668
00:35:46,367 --> 00:35:49,635
So you guys got names or what?

669
00:35:49,637 --> 00:35:51,938
I'm Jay and... I mean...

670
00:35:51,940 --> 00:35:54,874
...I'm Ted Underhill and this
is my hetero-lifemate,

671
00:35:54,876 --> 00:35:55,878
Mr. Taint.

672
00:35:56,545 --> 00:35:59,315
Hetero-lifemate,
I got one of those.

673
00:35:59,882 --> 00:36:02,018
This is my best friend,
Soapy Pia.

674
00:36:02,650 --> 00:36:05,987
Ooh. Como estas, Soapy Penis?

675
00:36:06,454 --> 00:36:08,723
Holy shit. It's Soapy Pia.

676
00:36:10,826 --> 00:36:12,795
Say hi to my mom's

677
00:36:13,762 --> 00:36:17,700
culturally insensitive, horrible

678
00:36:18,166 --> 00:36:19,668
- friends.
- Millennium.

679
00:36:20,302 --> 00:36:21,871
♪ Bring me back to you ♪

680
00:36:24,840 --> 00:36:26,905
Dude, this is like watching
your favorite movie,

681
00:36:26,907 --> 00:36:28,007
The Quiet Place.

682
00:36:28,009 --> 00:36:29,708
♪ Bring me back to you ♪

683
00:36:29,710 --> 00:36:32,878
♪ You made your way into my life
Then you tried to hide ♪

684
00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:35,414
Sorry, it's like watching
your second favorite movie,

685
00:36:35,416 --> 00:36:37,516
The Shape of Water. My bad.

686
00:36:37,518 --> 00:36:38,617
♪ Now I kicked you
Out of my life ♪

687
00:36:38,619 --> 00:36:40,954
How could you let people
this stupid into our house,

688
00:36:40,956 --> 00:36:42,658
let alone my room?

689
00:36:43,090 --> 00:36:44,324
Uh, can they leave now?

690
00:36:44,326 --> 00:36:47,760
Ted and Mr. Taint
just wanted to meet you, Milly.

691
00:36:47,762 --> 00:36:48,927
They're just passing
through town

692
00:36:48,929 --> 00:36:49,998
on their way to California.

693
00:36:51,099 --> 00:36:53,402
Wait. California?

694
00:36:53,869 --> 00:36:55,338
Uh, yo, meth heads.

695
00:36:56,737 --> 00:36:58,570
Where are you going
in California?

696
00:36:58,572 --> 00:37:01,840
Oh, we're going to this
stupid convention in Hollywood.

697
00:37:01,842 --> 00:37:03,876
Holy fuck. Are you talking
about Chronic-Con?

698
00:37:03,878 --> 00:37:05,577
- Yeah.
- Language.

699
00:37:06,447 --> 00:37:07,847
Oh, my God, Reggie's here.

700
00:37:07,849 --> 00:37:10,452
- Who the fuck is Reggie?
- My better half.

701
00:37:11,619 --> 00:37:13,019
Okay. I love you.

702
00:37:13,021 --> 00:37:15,722
We'll call you soon as we land
in Machu Picchu, okay?

703
00:37:15,724 --> 00:37:17,360
And I left you $200
in the fridge.

704
00:37:18,626 --> 00:37:20,929
Now, say goodbye
to Mr. Underhill.

705
00:37:24,032 --> 00:37:26,999
Goodbye forever, Methy Marvin.

706
00:37:27,001 --> 00:37:29,501
It was so cool to meet you.

707
00:37:31,172 --> 00:37:33,005
Okay. Um, I gotta go.

708
00:37:33,007 --> 00:37:35,208
Let's go. I... I got to go.

709
00:37:35,210 --> 00:37:36,912
- I love you.
- Love you.

710
00:37:38,512 --> 00:37:40,579
It's fucked up enough
I had to meet my kid,

711
00:37:40,581 --> 00:37:41,916
now I got to meet your husband?

712
00:37:42,349 --> 00:37:44,819
Um, you're not meeting
my husband.

713
00:37:46,121 --> 00:37:47,619
Jessie.

714
00:37:47,621 --> 00:37:48,688
- Let's go.
- Hey.

715
00:37:48,690 --> 00:37:50,490
- You know I hate O'Hare.
- Mm.

716
00:37:50,492 --> 00:37:52,495
But first, I...

717
00:37:52,994 --> 00:37:54,130
Who the fuck are these guys?

718
00:37:54,597 --> 00:37:56,732
Boys, this is Reggie Faulken...

719
00:37:57,231 --> 00:37:58,634
my wife.

720
00:38:00,135 --> 00:38:02,802
Wife? Holy shit,
you married a lady?

721
00:38:02,804 --> 00:38:05,938
Ooh, a lady. I like him.
He's proper.

722
00:38:05,940 --> 00:38:11,144
Reggie, this is Jay
of Jay and Silent Bob fame.

723
00:38:11,146 --> 00:38:13,479
♪ I'll be okay ♪

724
00:38:13,481 --> 00:38:15,617
- Oh, my God. This is him?
- Yes.

725
00:38:17,485 --> 00:38:19,219
This is
Mr. Cum Quick Thumb Dick?

726
00:38:19,221 --> 00:38:20,556
- Shh.
- Oh, my God.

727
00:38:24,126 --> 00:38:26,793
I never ever thought I'd get
the chance to meet you.

728
00:38:26,795 --> 00:38:28,097
You're like a living legend.

729
00:38:28,996 --> 00:38:31,930
- For what?
- All the wrong reasons, bro.

730
00:38:31,932 --> 00:38:34,566
♪ I'm a loser. Hallelujah ♪

731
00:38:34,568 --> 00:38:35,668
♪ But I think I'm gonna be ♪

732
00:38:35,670 --> 00:38:37,237
- Um...
- ♪ Okay ♪

733
00:38:37,239 --> 00:38:39,007
...stop by on your way home
from Hollywood.

734
00:38:39,708 --> 00:38:41,941
Maybe you and Milly can spend
some time together

735
00:38:41,943 --> 00:38:43,479
before you head back to Jersey.

736
00:38:52,521 --> 00:38:54,954
Fuck, man.
Last time we were in Chicago,

737
00:38:54,956 --> 00:38:56,856
we couldn't find
Sherman, Illinois.

738
00:38:56,858 --> 00:38:58,958
This time, I didn't get laid

739
00:38:58,960 --> 00:39:00,793
because my fucking ex-girlfriend
has a wife.

740
00:39:00,795 --> 00:39:03,932
This Windy City can blow me.
Let's go.

741
00:39:05,300 --> 00:39:07,769
- ♪ I'm a loser. Hallelujah ♪
- Hello.

742
00:39:08,802 --> 00:39:10,570
I know we only just met,

743
00:39:10,572 --> 00:39:13,608
but I really feel
like I know you...

744
00:39:15,577 --> 00:39:17,112
at least enough
to ask you a favor.

745
00:39:17,711 --> 00:39:20,215
- You wanna ask me a favor?
- Mm-hmm.

746
00:39:22,250 --> 00:39:23,251
Hold on a sec.

747
00:39:23,985 --> 00:39:24,786
Holy fuck, man.

748
00:39:25,253 --> 00:39:27,490
This is my first chance to act
like a real dad, Silent Bob.

749
00:39:29,224 --> 00:39:30,559
Okay. What's the favor?

750
00:39:31,326 --> 00:39:36,264
Can you take us
to Hollywood with you?

751
00:39:37,132 --> 00:39:38,331
Fuck, no, man!

752
00:39:38,333 --> 00:39:41,233
I can't be bringing private
school girls to Hollyweird.

753
00:39:41,235 --> 00:39:43,172
It's a tough-ass neighborhood.

754
00:39:45,706 --> 00:39:46,842
He said no.

755
00:39:52,713 --> 00:39:54,650
Okay. Let's do this
the hard way, butt plug.

756
00:39:55,182 --> 00:39:57,950
Either you take us to Hollywood
or I stab you both to death

757
00:39:57,952 --> 00:39:59,621
on my own front fucking lawn!

758
00:40:00,054 --> 00:40:01,287
And when the cops come,

759
00:40:01,289 --> 00:40:02,988
I'll tell them it was an act
of self-defense

760
00:40:02,990 --> 00:40:04,958
after you tried
to break into my house.

761
00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:08,293
The home of Chicago's beloved
lesbian weather lady.

762
00:40:08,295 --> 00:40:10,128
I'll get off like a porn star,

763
00:40:10,130 --> 00:40:12,231
and you two will be dead
as dodos.

764
00:40:12,233 --> 00:40:14,900
So I suggest you take out
your phone,

765
00:40:14,902 --> 00:40:16,369
open your little fucking app,

766
00:40:16,371 --> 00:40:19,275
and order us a car to Hollywood
right now!

767
00:40:24,813 --> 00:40:26,981
Oh, you can't just go around
threatening people.

768
00:40:27,481 --> 00:40:30,619
Don't tell me what to do.
You're not my father.

769
00:40:35,155 --> 00:40:37,624
♪ Why don't you come my way?
My way ♪

770
00:40:37,626 --> 00:40:39,858
♪ The doors are unlocked
To my place ♪

771
00:40:39,860 --> 00:40:42,929
♪ It's like we all family
Anyway... ♪

772
00:40:42,931 --> 00:40:43,929
I don't get it.

773
00:40:43,931 --> 00:40:46,633
Why does the deaf kid
get to DJ instead of me?

774
00:40:46,635 --> 00:40:48,635
Because Soapy has great taste
in music

775
00:40:48,637 --> 00:40:49,872
and you're a fucking dildo.

776
00:40:50,438 --> 00:40:54,139
What? She doesn't even know
what a dildo is probably.

777
00:40:54,141 --> 00:40:57,644
Uh, I have two dildos
and a strap-on, so, yeah,

778
00:40:57,646 --> 00:40:58,811
- I do.
- What are you, nuts?

779
00:40:58,813 --> 00:41:00,278
You can't say strap-on
in public.

780
00:41:00,280 --> 00:41:02,048
Man, you're just a kid.

781
00:41:02,050 --> 00:41:03,650
Are you gonna be
this fucking annoying

782
00:41:03,652 --> 00:41:06,021
the entire trip?
Because if so...

783
00:41:06,755 --> 00:41:10,423
- smoke some of this shit.
- Holy shit, that's weed.

784
00:41:10,425 --> 00:41:12,724
- That's right.
- Where'd you get it?

785
00:41:12,726 --> 00:41:14,661
- From her.
- Where'd she get it?

786
00:41:14,663 --> 00:41:17,030
Soapy lives on a commune
in Oregon where deaf people

787
00:41:17,032 --> 00:41:18,701
grow the best weed in the West.

788
00:41:19,134 --> 00:41:20,869
Deaf people know
how to grow weed?

789
00:41:21,369 --> 00:41:23,369
I'm sorry, how old are you?

790
00:41:23,371 --> 00:41:25,771
- Fuck you. How old are you?
- I'm 18.

791
00:41:25,773 --> 00:41:28,307
You can't be smoking no weed
at 18.

792
00:41:28,309 --> 00:41:29,845
I can. Watch me.

793
00:41:30,679 --> 00:41:33,412
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Don't... You're gonna break it.

794
00:41:33,414 --> 00:41:35,617
- Fuck off my flower.
- Ow.

795
00:41:36,518 --> 00:41:40,920
You know what? This is my ride
and I'm paying for it, girlie.

796
00:41:40,922 --> 00:41:42,854
So if you don't put that weed
away,

797
00:41:42,856 --> 00:41:45,326
I'm gonna kick your narrow ass
to the curb.

798
00:41:47,394 --> 00:41:49,327
- Fine.
- See? That's better.

799
00:41:49,329 --> 00:41:50,262
All right? You're just a kid.

800
00:41:50,264 --> 00:41:52,134
Why don't you eat
some candy or something?

801
00:41:53,068 --> 00:41:54,069
Okay.

802
00:41:55,402 --> 00:41:58,403
- Happy?
- Chocolate. That's better.

803
00:41:58,405 --> 00:42:01,139
Way better than weed
for a little girl.

804
00:42:01,141 --> 00:42:04,812
- Yeah. You want some?
- Shit, yeah. I love sugar.

805
00:42:06,447 --> 00:42:07,650
Hmm.

806
00:42:11,853 --> 00:42:13,485
You guys aren't gonna eat
any chocolate?

807
00:42:13,487 --> 00:42:17,326
Oh, no. Um, I smoke my weed,
I don't eat it.

808
00:42:19,994 --> 00:42:20,996
Punch Bar?

809
00:42:22,329 --> 00:42:23,798
There's weed in that chocolate?

810
00:42:24,431 --> 00:42:26,401
We... Holy shit. She poisoned us.

811
00:42:27,034 --> 00:42:30,202
It isn't poison,
but it is potent.

812
00:42:30,204 --> 00:42:34,809
And you ate, uh, 50 times
the recommended dosage.

813
00:42:36,077 --> 00:42:38,714
These old fuckers are gonna die.

814
00:42:40,347 --> 00:42:43,115
Uh, you... You know what? No, no,
no. Calm down. Calm down.

815
00:42:43,117 --> 00:42:45,450
You think we can't handle
edibles?

816
00:42:45,452 --> 00:42:48,320
You think we can't handle
these silly-ass chocolate bars?

817
00:42:48,322 --> 00:42:49,921
You're mistaken.

818
00:42:49,923 --> 00:42:53,896
Can you believe these two?
Edibles ain't shit, right?

819
00:43:00,869 --> 00:43:02,400
You got a blunt?

820
00:43:02,402 --> 00:43:05,137
You got weed, brother?

821
00:43:05,139 --> 00:43:06,773
Back out of the club, nigga.

822
00:43:06,775 --> 00:43:09,744
Holy shit, Silent Bob,
look, it's Method & Red.

823
00:43:10,244 --> 00:43:11,811
We got visitors.

824
00:43:11,813 --> 00:43:16,048
I'm Jay and this is
my hetero-lifemate, Silent Bob.

825
00:43:16,050 --> 00:43:17,086
Silent Bob, huh?

826
00:43:17,753 --> 00:43:20,952
That's kind of hot.
That's your rap name?

827
00:43:20,954 --> 00:43:23,389
We came here seeking advice.

828
00:43:23,391 --> 00:43:25,090
Well, look no further.

829
00:43:25,092 --> 00:43:27,894
Me and Red,
we got life experience.

830
00:43:27,896 --> 00:43:30,733
Like they say on Reddit.
Ask me anything.

831
00:43:32,000 --> 00:43:34,503
Okay, great masters
of the green.

832
00:43:35,036 --> 00:43:37,369
I just found out I have a kid

833
00:43:37,371 --> 00:43:40,572
and then that kid roofied us
with chocolates.

834
00:43:40,574 --> 00:43:44,376
My advice, if you got a kid
that'll get you stoned...

835
00:43:44,378 --> 00:43:45,878
Mm-hmm.

836
00:43:45,880 --> 00:43:47,947
...have another kid
just like that one.

837
00:43:47,949 --> 00:43:49,916
- Facts. Facts
- Just like that.

838
00:43:49,918 --> 00:43:51,918
The thing is I don't know
how to be a father.

839
00:43:51,920 --> 00:43:53,351
I didn't even know my own dad

840
00:43:53,353 --> 00:43:55,354
and I don't know what dads
are supposed to do.

841
00:43:55,356 --> 00:43:57,459
Philosophically
in a manner of speaking,

842
00:43:58,460 --> 00:44:01,594
being a father does
not necessarily make one a dad,

843
00:44:01,596 --> 00:44:03,831
- am I right, Doc?
- Guys,

844
00:44:04,532 --> 00:44:07,365
anybody and I mean, anti-body...

845
00:44:07,367 --> 00:44:09,034
- Mm-hmm.
- ...with cum...

846
00:44:09,036 --> 00:44:10,138
Gi-gi-gi-gi-gi!

847
00:44:10,938 --> 00:44:12,438
...can be a father.

848
00:44:12,440 --> 00:44:15,508
But only love can make you
a dad, you understand me?

849
00:44:15,510 --> 00:44:16,608
Okay. Wait
a minute. How you gonna talk

850
00:44:16,610 --> 00:44:18,945
about love and you flinging cum
all over the place?

851
00:44:18,947 --> 00:44:22,148
- That shit's unseemly, brah.
- Unseemly? God damn it, listen,

852
00:44:22,150 --> 00:44:23,583
- you wanna be a good dad?
- Mm-hmm.

853
00:44:23,585 --> 00:44:27,954
Then just think of all
the fucked-up shit

854
00:44:27,956 --> 00:44:29,354
your dad did wrong,

855
00:44:29,356 --> 00:44:33,425
'cause... look at you,
and do the opposite.

856
00:44:33,427 --> 00:44:35,894
- Feel me?
- But I never met my own dad.

857
00:44:35,896 --> 00:44:37,132
But you met your kid.

858
00:44:39,166 --> 00:44:40,867
There you go. See?

859
00:44:40,869 --> 00:44:43,372
You already a better dad
than your dad ever was, bruh.

860
00:44:44,139 --> 00:44:48,307
Now, get the fuck out
and hit the road.

861
00:44:48,309 --> 00:44:49,976
- Hit the road.
- The road.

862
00:44:49,978 --> 00:44:51,010
- The road.
- The road.

863
00:44:51,012 --> 00:44:52,244
- The road.
- The road.

864
00:44:52,246 --> 00:44:53,345
- The road.
- The road.

865
00:44:53,347 --> 00:44:54,416
The road.

866
00:45:09,197 --> 00:45:10,332
Whoa, dude.

867
00:45:11,465 --> 00:45:14,666
This isn't Hulu and hump day,
dude. Man, what if someone saw?

868
00:45:14,668 --> 00:45:15,971
I saw you.

869
00:45:17,038 --> 00:45:18,539
And I'm putting you
on my Instagram,

870
00:45:19,641 --> 00:45:22,074
#whenoldpeoplefuck.

871
00:45:22,076 --> 00:45:23,441
Holy shit, it's a terrorist.

872
00:45:23,443 --> 00:45:25,244
Where? Where?
Where's the terrorist?

873
00:45:25,246 --> 00:45:27,280
She's not a terrorist, you fuck.

874
00:45:29,150 --> 00:45:31,083
But ironically
her name is Jihad,

875
00:45:31,085 --> 00:45:32,550
so do with that what you will.

876
00:45:32,552 --> 00:45:33,554
As-salamu alaykum.

877
00:45:33,987 --> 00:45:35,921
That sounds like baby talk.

878
00:45:35,923 --> 00:45:37,525
No, that's just talk, baby.

879
00:45:37,992 --> 00:45:40,458
And by baby,
I mean oldest man I've ever met.

880
00:45:40,460 --> 00:45:41,459
How old are these fuckers?

881
00:45:41,461 --> 00:45:44,229
I'm pretty sure they were alive
during the '90s.

882
00:45:44,231 --> 00:45:47,333
No way. That's before they even
built the internet.

883
00:45:47,335 --> 00:45:49,403
Jihad, that was, like,
before they built the pyramids.

884
00:45:49,836 --> 00:45:51,938
Jihad? Why does that name
sound familiar.

885
00:45:51,940 --> 00:45:53,173
If you fuck with any of us,

886
00:45:53,175 --> 00:45:56,309
I live up to my name and I put
you underground, Underhill.

887
00:45:56,311 --> 00:45:58,677
Does every girl carry
a knife nowadays?

888
00:45:58,679 --> 00:46:00,246
Well, in a world full of dicks,

889
00:46:00,248 --> 00:46:02,180
knives really help a girl
make a point.

890
00:46:02,182 --> 00:46:04,050
And if you had a daughter,
wouldn't you want her

891
00:46:04,052 --> 00:46:05,621
- to carry a knife?
- Shit yes.

892
00:46:06,054 --> 00:46:08,054
Shit, no, I have a daughter
and she scared me

893
00:46:08,056 --> 00:46:09,487
when she pulled a knife on me.

894
00:46:15,663 --> 00:46:17,595
What's this creepy Ring shit?

895
00:46:18,833 --> 00:46:22,300
This is my not creepy friend,
Shan Yu, she's from China.

896
00:46:22,302 --> 00:46:23,404
We picked her up in Missouri.

897
00:46:24,005 --> 00:46:26,104
Missouri?
Where the fuck are we now?

898
00:46:26,106 --> 00:46:27,639
Just outside New Orleans.

899
00:46:27,641 --> 00:46:31,209
- We're in Connecticut?
- It's Louisiana, man, Jesus.

900
00:46:31,211 --> 00:46:33,112
Louisiana?
How long was I asleep for?

901
00:46:33,114 --> 00:46:35,380
- Eighteen hours straight.
- What?

902
00:46:35,382 --> 00:46:37,282
I told you those edibles
were strong.

903
00:46:37,284 --> 00:46:38,416
Dude, why didn't you wake me up?

904
00:46:38,418 --> 00:46:40,154
We'll never make it
to Hollywood now.

905
00:46:46,226 --> 00:46:48,626
- What the fuck?
- Shan Yu records

906
00:46:48,628 --> 00:46:51,162
every interaction she hears
for her podcast,

907
00:46:51,164 --> 00:46:53,331
which she uses to contextualize
life in America

908
00:46:53,333 --> 00:46:54,532
for her audience in China.

909
00:46:54,534 --> 00:46:55,668
The podcast is called

910
00:46:55,670 --> 00:46:58,604
The American Entitled
and Their First World Problems.

911
00:46:58,606 --> 00:47:01,106
Shan Yu understands English,
Mr. Underhill.

912
00:47:01,108 --> 00:47:02,244
She just can't speak it.

913
00:47:02,744 --> 00:47:04,313
Kind of like you actually.

914
00:47:09,050 --> 00:47:11,083
Wait a minute,
where the fucks the car at?

915
00:47:11,085 --> 00:47:12,485
Now that there are six of us,

916
00:47:12,487 --> 00:47:15,021
we need a bigger whip
than Ride Me Now has,

917
00:47:15,023 --> 00:47:16,287
so we're gonna get a van.

918
00:47:16,289 --> 00:47:17,789
What are you, fucking dumb
or something?

919
00:47:17,791 --> 00:47:19,791
How are you gonna get a van
in the middle of nowhere?

920
00:47:19,793 --> 00:47:22,260
Thanks
to Operation Predator Editor.

921
00:47:25,365 --> 00:47:26,969
Okay, places, everybody, places.

922
00:47:42,382 --> 00:47:45,353
What the fuck is
Operation Predator Editor?

923
00:47:48,755 --> 00:47:51,289
This is
Operation Predator Editor.

924
00:47:51,291 --> 00:47:53,758
Phase one, Millennium
takes naked selfies.

925
00:47:53,760 --> 00:47:55,760
- No, she didn't.
- She did.

926
00:47:55,762 --> 00:47:59,597
For phase two, Millennium posts
selfies on pedophile website.

927
00:47:59,599 --> 00:48:02,434
- What the fuck? Why?
- For phase three,

928
00:48:02,436 --> 00:48:04,570
Millennium tells interested
pedophile with van

929
00:48:04,572 --> 00:48:06,575
to meet her
here for a free ride.

930
00:48:07,474 --> 00:48:08,677
Free ride?

931
00:48:11,579 --> 00:48:13,479
Oh, nice outfit, man.

932
00:48:13,481 --> 00:48:15,414
Oh, thanks, you like it?
Yeah, did you ever see

933
00:48:15,416 --> 00:48:16,849
- Cannonball Run?
- No.

934
00:48:16,851 --> 00:48:19,086
- The great Dom DeLuise?
- No.

935
00:48:19,920 --> 00:48:22,188
That really fell apart
right there.

936
00:48:22,190 --> 00:48:24,425
You're pretty flamboyant
for a pedophile.

937
00:48:28,362 --> 00:48:30,628
You pedophile piece of shit.

938
00:48:35,869 --> 00:48:37,536
What the fuck were you thinking

939
00:48:37,538 --> 00:48:39,572
getting in that van
with this guy?

940
00:48:39,574 --> 00:48:41,175
I was thinking phase four.

941
00:48:43,311 --> 00:48:44,809
Ted Underhill beats up
the pedophile

942
00:48:44,811 --> 00:48:46,080
and we take the van.

943
00:48:47,648 --> 00:48:50,483
♪ Is it my turn to push you... ♪

944
00:48:53,887 --> 00:48:56,155
All right. What if I didn't get
to the van in time?

945
00:48:56,157 --> 00:48:57,690
You saw what I can do
with a hockey stick.

946
00:48:57,692 --> 00:48:58,891
I know how to handle myself.

947
00:48:58,893 --> 00:49:02,327
Yeah. You grew up in a big house
in a rich kid neighborhood

948
00:49:02,329 --> 00:49:03,329
and went to private school.

949
00:49:03,331 --> 00:49:06,231
You have no idea how dangerous
people can be.

950
00:49:06,233 --> 00:49:07,532
So true.

951
00:49:07,534 --> 00:49:09,568
In Syria, a boy touched
my left nipple

952
00:49:09,570 --> 00:49:11,704
and told everybody
I know about that shit.

953
00:49:11,706 --> 00:49:14,472
I said dangerous, man.
Not bitch ass boys

954
00:49:14,474 --> 00:49:15,810
who got to second base.

955
00:49:16,411 --> 00:49:19,144
When my brother found out,
he tried to smother me

956
00:49:19,146 --> 00:49:21,282
in my sleep with a pillow
for shaming my family.

957
00:49:23,150 --> 00:49:24,518
So my mom sent me to America.

958
00:49:30,925 --> 00:49:32,827
You know what, fuck
your brother, all right?

959
00:49:33,327 --> 00:49:35,161
If the motherfucker tried
to smother me.

960
00:49:35,163 --> 00:49:37,632
I'd kick his ass to Asgard
where Thor lives.

961
00:49:38,498 --> 00:49:42,269
- No, Thor lives in my dreams.
- Mine too.

962
00:49:42,702 --> 00:49:46,271
Every night after I fall asleep,
I fuck Chris Hemsworth.

963
00:49:46,273 --> 00:49:49,407
Holy fuckhole, where did you get
such a damn dirty mouth from?

964
00:49:49,409 --> 00:49:51,812
I'd put my damn dirty mouth
all over Hemsworth.

965
00:49:52,847 --> 00:49:55,313
Yeah, and I'd be like,

966
00:49:55,315 --> 00:49:57,449
"Give me that Hammer,
Odin's son."

967
00:49:57,451 --> 00:49:59,820
Put it in my hands to see
if I'm worthy.

968
00:50:00,387 --> 00:50:03,424
- You guys better stop.
- Oh, I'd never stop.

969
00:50:03,858 --> 00:50:06,358
I'd fuck Chris Hemsworth
until I was Thor.

970
00:50:06,360 --> 00:50:07,562
What?

971
00:50:08,862 --> 00:50:11,329
Hi. Welcome to Mooby's
by the moonlight.

972
00:50:11,331 --> 00:50:14,168
- Six cow tippers, please.
- We're vegan, bro.

973
00:50:14,668 --> 00:50:17,271
I mean one cow tipper,
five milks.

974
00:50:18,239 --> 00:50:20,271
We're vegan, bro.

975
00:50:20,273 --> 00:50:21,373
Jesus, man,
just give me something

976
00:50:21,375 --> 00:50:23,144
with no meat, please, fuck!

977
00:50:36,289 --> 00:50:38,958
Can you stop being
so fucking creepy?

978
00:50:38,960 --> 00:50:40,025
Hey, Underhill,

979
00:50:40,027 --> 00:50:42,561
how about a little respect
for our guest of honor?

980
00:50:42,563 --> 00:50:45,731
Shan Yu is the reason we're
doing all this, Mr. Underhill.

981
00:50:45,733 --> 00:50:48,967
What? Operation Predator Editor?

982
00:50:48,969 --> 00:50:51,503
No, jackass,
that mission's over.

983
00:50:51,505 --> 00:50:53,338
We're onto the next mission.

984
00:50:53,340 --> 00:50:54,342
Oh, let me see.

985
00:50:57,378 --> 00:50:58,510
- Uh, no.
- You know what,

986
00:50:58,512 --> 00:51:01,646
you're pretty ungrateful
for someone who needed my help.

987
00:51:03,516 --> 00:51:04,516
Needed your help?

988
00:51:04,518 --> 00:51:06,651
I'm sorry,
did you seriously think

989
00:51:06,653 --> 00:51:09,021
we were just hoping
for two old men to drop in

990
00:51:09,023 --> 00:51:11,356
and ferry us to Hollywood?

991
00:51:11,358 --> 00:51:14,293
No, we were gonna take my mom's
car the second she left.

992
00:51:14,295 --> 00:51:16,394
We've been planning this mission
for months, bro.

993
00:51:16,396 --> 00:51:17,630
Holy shit,

994
00:51:17,632 --> 00:51:20,534
you girls are international
diamond thieves, aren't youse?

995
00:51:22,802 --> 00:51:26,838
I'm sorry, uh, diamond thieves?

996
00:51:26,840 --> 00:51:28,606
Yeah. When I met your mom,

997
00:51:28,608 --> 00:51:32,344
she told me her and her friends
were animal rights activists

998
00:51:32,346 --> 00:51:34,713
and then they wound up being
international diamond thieves

999
00:51:34,715 --> 00:51:36,684
who wore cat suits
under their clothes.

1000
00:51:37,585 --> 00:51:39,987
Any one of you girls wearing
cat suits under your clothes?

1001
00:51:41,489 --> 00:51:45,791
Um, okay. I don't know
anything about that,

1002
00:51:45,793 --> 00:51:48,726
but I do know that I'm
nothing like my mother.

1003
00:51:48,728 --> 00:51:53,432
Holy shit, yes, you are.
You're like a rebooted Justice.

1004
00:51:53,434 --> 00:51:55,269
I believe
he means to say remake.

1005
00:51:55,902 --> 00:51:58,970
No, I mean to say reboot,
all right?

1006
00:51:58,972 --> 00:52:01,840
Someone took all the things
I like about your mom,

1007
00:52:01,842 --> 00:52:04,909
changed them just enough to make
me pay for them all over again,

1008
00:52:04,911 --> 00:52:07,445
and added youth
and diversity to it.

1009
00:52:07,447 --> 00:52:09,882
So this van is not moving
until you tell me

1010
00:52:09,884 --> 00:52:11,753
why you wanna go to Hollywood
so bad.

1011
00:52:13,086 --> 00:52:14,289
Fine.

1012
00:52:15,655 --> 00:52:18,057
Shan Yu only has a week left
on her visa

1013
00:52:18,059 --> 00:52:20,562
before her mom takes her back
to China forever.

1014
00:52:21,028 --> 00:52:23,465
- So?
- So, you genital cuff...

1015
00:52:24,532 --> 00:52:25,831
her favorite thing in the world

1016
00:52:25,833 --> 00:52:28,269
is that old Bluntman and Chronic
movie.

1017
00:52:28,702 --> 00:52:29,903
Bluntman.

1018
00:52:30,804 --> 00:52:31,670
And for years now,

1019
00:52:31,672 --> 00:52:33,572
she's been wanting to go
to Chronic-Con.

1020
00:52:33,574 --> 00:52:36,608
So that's why this mission
is so important.

1021
00:52:36,610 --> 00:52:39,345
Important enough
for a straight A student

1022
00:52:39,347 --> 00:52:41,750
to get in a shitload of trouble
and blow up her future?

1023
00:52:43,351 --> 00:52:44,849
God, you sound like my mother.

1024
00:52:44,851 --> 00:52:45,953
Maybe that's because I'm...

1025
00:52:46,487 --> 00:52:49,487
Maybe that's because I think
your mom's right, okay?

1026
00:52:49,489 --> 00:52:51,389
I've done a bunch of stupid shit
when I was younger,

1027
00:52:51,391 --> 00:52:53,858
but I did it with Si...
Mr. Taint here.

1028
00:52:53,860 --> 00:52:55,626
Not with a bunch of people
I don't know.

1029
00:52:55,628 --> 00:52:58,563
- Oh, I know these girls.
- How?

1030
00:52:58,565 --> 00:53:00,398
How did you meet a deaf girl,

1031
00:53:00,400 --> 00:53:02,434
a Muslim who's brother
tried to kill her,

1032
00:53:02,436 --> 00:53:04,970
and a Chinese girl that I don't
even know where she's from,

1033
00:53:04,972 --> 00:53:06,408
but she's suspect.

1034
00:53:07,275 --> 00:53:09,043
And you're the only normal one
of the bunch.

1035
00:53:09,543 --> 00:53:12,010
Fuck you, you don't know me.

1036
00:53:12,012 --> 00:53:13,878
Uh, I've seen your life, kid,

1037
00:53:13,880 --> 00:53:16,581
you got two moms who love you
and you grew up in a big house,

1038
00:53:16,583 --> 00:53:18,684
you're not fucked up
like these girls.

1039
00:53:18,686 --> 00:53:21,487
I only know these girls because
I'm fucked up just like them.

1040
00:53:21,489 --> 00:53:23,590
How? How are you fucked up?

1041
00:53:29,163 --> 00:53:30,865
We met
in an online support group.

1042
00:53:32,565 --> 00:53:33,567
For what?

1043
00:53:37,036 --> 00:53:39,006
For girls who have
never met their fathers.

1044
00:53:41,942 --> 00:53:43,577
We don't know who our dads are.

1045
00:53:44,210 --> 00:53:45,879
They all left
before we were born.

1046
00:53:48,916 --> 00:53:51,115
You know... You know what, well,
fuck that, all right?

1047
00:53:51,117 --> 00:53:53,552
You don't need a father,
I didn't grow up with a dad

1048
00:53:53,554 --> 00:53:56,657
- and look, I turned out okay.
- No, you didn't.

1049
00:53:58,092 --> 00:54:00,758
And if you never really had
a dad then you would know

1050
00:54:00,760 --> 00:54:03,030
that there is no such thing
as okay...

1051
00:54:04,164 --> 00:54:05,367
ever...

1052
00:54:06,067 --> 00:54:08,434
because you will always
be haunted by a question

1053
00:54:08,436 --> 00:54:09,704
that you can't answer.

1054
00:54:11,972 --> 00:54:14,008
Why didn't you love me enough
to stick around?

1055
00:54:21,681 --> 00:54:23,182
Well, I knew your dad
a little bit

1056
00:54:23,184 --> 00:54:25,452
and, you know what,
you're better off without him.

1057
00:54:27,788 --> 00:54:28,923
Guy's a piece of shit.

1058
00:54:32,592 --> 00:54:33,827
Holy shit,
someone's on the roof.

1059
00:54:39,833 --> 00:54:41,867
Merkin, what the fuck
are you doing?

1060
00:54:41,869 --> 00:54:45,070
Hater Totz filled with hate!

1061
00:54:45,072 --> 00:54:46,671
Hate!

1062
00:54:46,673 --> 00:54:47,639
Hate!

1063
00:54:47,641 --> 00:54:50,943
You got me arrested
with your grass, man.

1064
00:54:50,945 --> 00:54:52,147
And you gave me zero tip,

1065
00:54:52,614 --> 00:54:54,816
leave me these horrible reviews.
What is this?

1066
00:54:55,315 --> 00:54:59,717
"Fuck your frozen food dreams."
That is personal and mean.

1067
00:54:59,719 --> 00:55:02,019
To me! "Do you even know
what a merkin is?"

1068
00:55:02,021 --> 00:55:05,023
Very funny, yes, I do.
It's a pube toupee.

1069
00:55:05,025 --> 00:55:07,892
"Sit on some bald dick."
Who wrote that?

1070
00:55:07,894 --> 00:55:09,028
Who's the fucker who wrote that?

1071
00:55:09,030 --> 00:55:13,034
Do you think that's funny?
I am done losing at life.

1072
00:55:13,601 --> 00:55:17,168
Fuck you guys, the two of you.
No one is gonna make

1073
00:55:17,170 --> 00:55:21,539
Todd Merkinsky look like
an asshole ever again!

1074
00:55:21,541 --> 00:55:23,944
Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep,
sleep, sleep, sleep...

1075
00:55:29,849 --> 00:55:31,018
Hey!

1076
00:55:32,186 --> 00:55:34,021
We got a runner,
we got a runner!

1077
00:55:42,663 --> 00:55:45,833
Phase four, ditch old gay guys.
What the fuck?

1078
00:55:46,266 --> 00:55:47,868
We should still steal
Merkin's car.

1079
00:55:50,905 --> 00:55:52,871
We've been driving around
for hours, Silent Bob.

1080
00:55:52,873 --> 00:55:54,075
Where the fuck did they go?

1081
00:56:04,083 --> 00:56:06,017
Bro, are you serious?
You can't take a shit now.

1082
00:56:06,019 --> 00:56:07,155
We have to find the girls.

1083
00:56:21,936 --> 00:56:23,571
We need a fucking light.

1084
00:56:29,842 --> 00:56:32,244
Oh, man, it's the fucking Klan!

1085
00:56:32,246 --> 00:56:36,248
Dude, they ruin everything.
You distract these racist fucks,

1086
00:56:36,250 --> 00:56:38,282
while I hotbox them
with some berserker.

1087
00:56:46,893 --> 00:56:48,126
Peekaboo!

1088
00:56:50,597 --> 00:56:52,863
We always have
a good time with that, don't we?

1089
00:56:52,865 --> 00:56:53,999
Speaking of good times,

1090
00:56:54,001 --> 00:56:56,233
if you stick around
till the end,

1091
00:56:56,235 --> 00:56:58,869
we're gonna be
serving Hater Totz!

1092
00:56:58,871 --> 00:57:00,070
- Yeah!
- Yeah!

1093
00:57:00,072 --> 00:57:04,108
Hater Totz! Who doesn't love
Hater Totz? All right. Okay.

1094
00:57:04,110 --> 00:57:07,748
Look what we found trespassing
in our backyard.

1095
00:57:08,583 --> 00:57:11,749
And you know what happens
to trespassers, right?

1096
00:57:11,751 --> 00:57:12,818
Can you dig it?

1097
00:57:12,820 --> 00:57:13,985
Oh, yeah.

1098
00:57:13,987 --> 00:57:16,023
- Can you dig it?
- Yeah.

1099
00:57:16,724 --> 00:57:19,257
Can you dig it?

1100
00:57:19,259 --> 00:57:21,059
Yeah!

1101
00:57:21,061 --> 00:57:22,728
I'm digging it.

1102
00:57:26,300 --> 00:57:28,068
Let me have your attention
for a moment.

1103
00:57:30,003 --> 00:57:31,336
You're talking about what?

1104
00:57:31,338 --> 00:57:34,171
You're talking about...
You're bitching about what?

1105
00:57:34,173 --> 00:57:35,242
- Are they all here?
- Hey!

1106
00:57:36,110 --> 00:57:38,776
- Who the fuck are you?
- I'm going anyway.

1107
00:57:38,778 --> 00:57:41,815
Let's talk about
something important.

1108
00:57:44,652 --> 00:57:47,655
Put that pitchfork down.

1109
00:57:55,128 --> 00:57:58,365
Pitchforks are
for Klansmen only.

1110
00:57:58,865 --> 00:58:00,701
Where the fuck
did you come from?

1111
00:58:01,168 --> 00:58:02,369
I come from downtown.

1112
00:58:03,003 --> 00:58:05,137
I'm here for Mitch and Murray.

1113
00:58:05,139 --> 00:58:06,941
And I'm here
on a mission of mercy.

1114
00:58:09,342 --> 00:58:12,110
- Your name's Legree?
- Yeah.

1115
00:58:12,112 --> 00:58:14,345
You call yourself a Klansman,
you son of a bitch?

1116
00:58:14,347 --> 00:58:15,914
We don't got to listen
to this shit.

1117
00:58:15,916 --> 00:58:17,081
You certainly don't, pal.

1118
00:58:17,083 --> 00:58:18,986
Because the good news is,
you're fired.

1119
00:58:19,619 --> 00:58:24,088
The bad news is you've got,
all you got, just one week

1120
00:58:24,090 --> 00:58:26,925
to regain your jobs.
Starting with tonight.

1121
00:58:26,927 --> 00:58:29,197
Starting with tonight's shit.

1122
00:58:29,797 --> 00:58:31,329
Mister, what's your name?

1123
00:58:31,331 --> 00:58:34,135
Fuck you, that's my name.

1124
00:58:39,306 --> 00:58:45,110
A, B, D. Be,
D: Ducking.

1125
00:58:45,112 --> 00:58:50,248
Always Be Ducking.
Always Be ducking.

1126
00:58:50,250 --> 00:58:53,021
All right, fuck face. I'll bite.
Ducking what?

1127
00:59:00,027 --> 00:59:02,994
- Kill these racist fucks!
- Hold on!

1128
00:59:10,503 --> 00:59:13,740
Now who's stupid,
you dirty sheepfucker?

1129
00:59:17,277 --> 00:59:19,313
Who in the fuck
are Mitch and Murray?

1130
00:59:51,545 --> 00:59:54,081
Holy shit. We made it.

1131
00:59:54,914 --> 00:59:56,817
No, we made it.

1132
00:59:59,820 --> 01:00:00,822
You slept.

1133
01:00:04,123 --> 01:00:06,026
You know, I got to
thank you, Mr. Underhill.

1134
01:00:06,594 --> 01:00:09,362
Not for just saving our asses
last night, but...

1135
01:00:10,797 --> 01:00:11,998
for helping us get here.

1136
01:00:12,599 --> 01:00:14,335
Technically,
you forced me to help.

1137
01:00:14,768 --> 01:00:16,204
Yeah, but for a good cause.

1138
01:00:16,637 --> 01:00:18,970
Well, if your dreams came true
it was all worth it.

1139
01:00:20,239 --> 01:00:22,776
Uh, going to Chronic-Con
is Shan Yu's dream.

1140
01:00:23,577 --> 01:00:25,980
My dream is a little tougher
to make happen.

1141
01:00:27,280 --> 01:00:29,481
It's stupid, especially
because you said

1142
01:00:29,483 --> 01:00:31,352
the guy's a piece of shit.
But, um...

1143
01:00:33,286 --> 01:00:35,322
I've always dreamed
of meeting my dad.

1144
01:00:36,856 --> 01:00:38,893
Just hanging out.

1145
01:00:40,427 --> 01:00:42,130
Nothing monumental.

1146
01:00:43,864 --> 01:00:46,233
Just drinking coffee together
or something, like...

1147
01:00:47,266 --> 01:00:48,969
talk to me like he was my dad...

1148
01:00:50,369 --> 01:00:52,005
teaching me dad stuff.

1149
01:00:57,978 --> 01:01:00,445
That's really embarrassing.
It probably sounds like

1150
01:01:00,447 --> 01:01:03,317
the dumbest thing anyone
has ever said out loud.

1151
01:01:10,324 --> 01:01:13,327
Oh, I got something
that nobody knows.

1152
01:01:13,960 --> 01:01:17,097
God looks exactly
like Alanis Morissette.

1153
01:01:19,498 --> 01:01:20,834
I stand corrected.

1154
01:01:36,916 --> 01:01:38,451
♪ Such pretty face ♪

1155
01:01:39,286 --> 01:01:41,653
♪ Nice to wake up
Next to you and know ♪

1156
01:01:41,655 --> 01:01:43,324
♪ It's a clear, clear case ♪

1157
01:01:44,458 --> 01:01:46,458
♪ Of love and I'm falling hard ♪

1158
01:01:46,460 --> 01:01:48,329
♪ Oh, don't you know
You got to stay ♪

1159
01:01:49,028 --> 01:01:51,295
♪ Stay with me
'Til the morning, honey ♪

1160
01:01:51,297 --> 01:01:53,400
♪ 'Cause good night, would ♪

1161
01:01:53,967 --> 01:01:56,568
♪ Never make me feel
As good as "good morning" ♪

1162
01:01:56,570 --> 01:02:00,170
♪ Whoa-oh ♪

1163
01:02:00,172 --> 01:02:01,472
♪ Tell me good morning ♪

1164
01:02:01,474 --> 01:02:03,909
♪ Whoa-oh ♪

1165
01:02:03,911 --> 01:02:05,613
Why are you dressed like
all these people?

1166
01:02:06,146 --> 01:02:08,950
All these people are dressed
like us.

1167
01:02:10,617 --> 01:02:12,620
♪ So, I wanna make it last ♪

1168
01:02:13,420 --> 01:02:17,224
♪ I wanna see the sunrise
With you, hold your hand ♪

1169
01:02:18,358 --> 01:02:20,090
♪ Get lost in your eyes ♪

1170
01:02:20,092 --> 01:02:22,230
♪ And kiss your sweet
Sweet smile ♪

1171
01:02:23,429 --> 01:02:25,396
♪ Lights up your face
Like an angel ♪

1172
01:02:25,398 --> 01:02:29,202
Happy Chronic-Con! Oh!

1173
01:02:29,635 --> 01:02:33,003
Love the fucking cosplay,
you guys. Yes!

1174
01:02:33,005 --> 01:02:34,341
Silent Jay, I dig it.

1175
01:02:34,775 --> 01:02:37,943
Hello, everyone,
my name is Kuish.

1176
01:02:37,945 --> 01:02:40,478
You little kids looking
to mainline some of that...

1177
01:02:40,480 --> 01:02:46,318
That sweet ass, that bomb ass
dank Bluntman and Chronic merch?

1178
01:02:46,320 --> 01:02:49,420
Because we got Bluntman
and Chronic Funko Pops.

1179
01:02:49,422 --> 01:02:52,325
We got Bluntman and Chronic
action figures.

1180
01:02:52,925 --> 01:02:54,961
Did your mommy or daddy
just die?

1181
01:02:56,396 --> 01:02:58,595
We got a Bluntman
and Chronic urn.

1182
01:02:58,597 --> 01:03:00,034
Smoke 'em up, put them in.

1183
01:03:00,867 --> 01:03:04,269
Or check this out, go ahead
and show your pride

1184
01:03:04,271 --> 01:03:07,271
with our exclusive and inclusive

1185
01:03:07,273 --> 01:03:10,043
B and C LGBTQ...

1186
01:03:11,077 --> 01:03:12,380
tee. Check it out.

1187
01:03:26,226 --> 01:03:28,626
♪ I'll make you feel better than
Any other guy in the world ♪

1188
01:03:28,628 --> 01:03:32,063
♪ Whoa-oh ♪

1189
01:03:32,065 --> 01:03:33,601
♪ Oh, tell me good morning ♪

1190
01:03:34,534 --> 01:03:38,336
Good day. Chris Hemsworth
and, uh, I've been paid to...

1191
01:03:38,338 --> 01:03:40,771
To welcome you to the tenth
Annual Hollywood Chronic-Con.

1192
01:03:40,773 --> 01:03:43,208
Yay. Welcome.
Uh, now, full disclosure.

1193
01:03:43,210 --> 01:03:44,708
I'm not the real
Chris Hemsworth.

1194
01:03:44,710 --> 01:03:46,510
I'm only a hologram,
as you can see.

1195
01:03:46,512 --> 01:03:48,512
So, uh,
feel free to take selfies

1196
01:03:48,514 --> 01:03:50,447
with my holographic image.
Um, but, please,

1197
01:03:50,449 --> 01:03:52,349
and I can't even believe I have
to fucking say this,

1198
01:03:52,351 --> 01:03:54,552
but please do not
hump the hologram.

1199
01:03:54,554 --> 01:03:57,322
All right? Or you'll burn
your dick off or whatever it is

1200
01:03:57,324 --> 01:03:59,324
that you're thrusting
into the hologram.

1201
01:03:59,326 --> 01:04:02,427
So don't do it. Do not fellate
the hologram either, you know?

1202
01:04:02,429 --> 01:04:03,695
You might burn your mouth off.

1203
01:04:03,697 --> 01:04:05,729
And... And please don't record
yourself having conversations

1204
01:04:05,731 --> 01:04:08,465
with the holographic version of
me as if you're talking to me

1205
01:04:08,467 --> 01:04:09,566
saying things like,
"Oh, I'm gonna...

1206
01:04:09,568 --> 01:04:12,137
I'm gonna hump you
until you're Thor." You know?

1207
01:04:12,139 --> 01:04:14,304
Only my wife is allowed to
objectify me like that.

1208
01:04:14,306 --> 01:04:16,041
And I have no choice in that.
But I have a choice in this.

1209
01:04:16,043 --> 01:04:17,108
So don't do it.

1210
01:04:17,110 --> 01:04:18,108
Now, if you're looking for

1211
01:04:18,110 --> 01:04:20,478
all the big celebrity
guest panels, go left.

1212
01:04:20,480 --> 01:04:21,746
Uh, if you wanna be an extra

1213
01:04:21,748 --> 01:04:23,615
in the new Bluntman movie,
go right.

1214
01:04:23,617 --> 01:04:26,083
But whichever way you go,
uh, hope you have fun

1215
01:04:26,085 --> 01:04:29,454
at this year's Chronic-Con.
Because you're Hems-worth it.

1216
01:04:29,456 --> 01:04:30,724
Trademark, Chris Hemsworth.

1217
01:04:33,360 --> 01:04:35,363
Oh. We came a long way.

1218
01:04:36,396 --> 01:04:37,398
Let's do this.

1219
01:04:44,103 --> 01:04:45,205
Yo!

1220
01:04:46,639 --> 01:04:48,539
Where the fuck are you going?

1221
01:04:48,541 --> 01:04:51,575
Uh, we came to Hollywood
so Shan Yu could be an extra

1222
01:04:51,577 --> 01:04:55,112
in that stupid Bluntman reboot.
And that is this way.

1223
01:04:55,114 --> 01:04:56,481
And we came to Hollywood

1224
01:04:56,483 --> 01:04:58,849
to stop this stupid reboot
from happening.

1225
01:04:58,851 --> 01:05:01,719
And all the famous people
are this way.

1226
01:05:01,721 --> 01:05:03,157
Stop the reboot? Why?

1227
01:05:03,657 --> 01:05:05,657
It's a long story,
but it ends with us

1228
01:05:05,659 --> 01:05:07,494
kicking the shit
out of Kevin James.

1229
01:05:08,128 --> 01:05:10,463
Fuck Kevin James.
Kevin can wait.

1230
01:05:10,896 --> 01:05:13,197
What we're doing
is really important.

1231
01:05:13,199 --> 01:05:16,133
Uh, us stopping the movie
is the most important thing

1232
01:05:16,135 --> 01:05:18,438
we're ever gonna do... again.

1233
01:05:24,744 --> 01:05:27,280
Look, I have risked everything
to come here...

1234
01:05:28,248 --> 01:05:29,481
but it will be all be worth it

1235
01:05:29,483 --> 01:05:31,516
if Shan Yu can be
in that reboot.

1236
01:05:31,518 --> 01:05:32,519
So I guess...

1237
01:05:33,853 --> 01:05:35,221
I guess this is goodbye.

1238
01:05:36,489 --> 01:05:38,391
No. Wait a... Wait a minute.

1239
01:05:43,163 --> 01:05:44,197
This, um...

1240
01:05:44,998 --> 01:05:48,566
This is my legacy right here,
it's the last one

1241
01:05:48,568 --> 01:05:49,570
in the whole world...

1242
01:05:50,336 --> 01:05:53,273
and I want you to have it
to remember me by.

1243
01:05:55,208 --> 01:05:56,307
But when you smoke it

1244
01:05:56,309 --> 01:05:58,079
you're not gonna
remember shit, so...

1245
01:05:58,746 --> 01:06:00,514
save it for a special occasion.

1246
01:06:19,932 --> 01:06:21,135
Um...

1247
01:06:22,835 --> 01:06:25,605
I don't know a lot of stuff,
okay? But...

1248
01:06:26,940 --> 01:06:28,175
I do know this...

1249
01:06:29,543 --> 01:06:32,546
you're a great fucking kid
and some asshole

1250
01:06:33,146 --> 01:06:35,682
really missed out
on being your dad.

1251
01:06:39,920 --> 01:06:41,122
Thanks.

1252
01:07:10,382 --> 01:07:11,684
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

1253
01:07:12,952 --> 01:07:14,586
Where are your badges?

1254
01:07:14,588 --> 01:07:17,688
Nobody gets in, as the French
say... sans badge.

1255
01:07:17,690 --> 01:07:20,925
Come on, you security dick,
what's the big deal anyway?

1256
01:07:20,927 --> 01:07:22,059
Security dick?

1257
01:07:22,061 --> 01:07:25,729
The big deal is we got America's
most precious resources

1258
01:07:25,731 --> 01:07:27,331
behind these doors.

1259
01:07:27,333 --> 01:07:31,469
Actors, actresses, directors,
podcasters,

1260
01:07:31,471 --> 01:07:33,670
they make us laugh,
they make us cry,

1261
01:07:33,672 --> 01:07:35,472
they show us ourselves.

1262
01:07:35,474 --> 01:07:38,008
And it's my job
not only to keep them safe

1263
01:07:38,010 --> 01:07:40,311
from their greasiest
nut bar fans

1264
01:07:40,313 --> 01:07:41,448
with the hammers of justice,

1265
01:07:41,914 --> 01:07:43,548
but also to meet every one

1266
01:07:43,550 --> 01:07:46,253
of their
borderline infantile needs.

1267
01:07:47,621 --> 01:07:48,756
Hey, security dick.

1268
01:07:49,856 --> 01:07:50,824
Oh.

1269
01:07:51,291 --> 01:07:53,657
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's
Dead's Keith Coogan.

1270
01:07:53,659 --> 01:07:54,958
It's just Keith.

1271
01:07:54,960 --> 01:07:56,360
Thanks,
that's really hard to say.

1272
01:07:56,362 --> 01:07:58,429
The candy buffet ran out
of Swedish Fish.

1273
01:07:59,431 --> 01:08:00,900
So I guess...

1274
01:08:01,735 --> 01:08:03,034
...wait for it.

1275
01:08:03,036 --> 01:08:05,369
The fishes are done, man.

1276
01:08:08,708 --> 01:08:10,244
- Right?
- Yeah.

1277
01:08:12,378 --> 01:08:13,380
Hilarious.

1278
01:08:22,021 --> 01:08:25,290
I have a question for the real
Jay and Silent Bob.

1279
01:08:25,292 --> 01:08:26,827
All right,
this reboot is bullshit.

1280
01:08:27,260 --> 01:08:29,863
Bullshit, what do you guys
think about this reboot?

1281
01:08:30,395 --> 01:08:32,296
I got... I got this one.

1282
01:08:32,298 --> 01:08:33,998
Yeah, um, it sucks.

1283
01:08:34,000 --> 01:08:36,867
There, I said it.
Are you happy now, TMZ?

1284
01:08:36,869 --> 01:08:38,102
Dude, TMZ's not even here.

1285
01:08:38,104 --> 01:08:41,772
And who's directing this shit
anyway, Kevin fucking Smith?

1286
01:08:42,876 --> 01:08:46,510
Are you fucking kidding me?
This movie is doomed.

1287
01:08:46,512 --> 01:08:48,713
It is... I was in Jersey Girl,
okay,

1288
01:08:48,715 --> 01:08:50,080
- destroyed my career.
- Yup.

1289
01:08:50,082 --> 01:08:52,717
Bluntman and Chronic
was a cult classic, okay,

1290
01:08:52,719 --> 01:08:54,619
it doesn't need
a Kevin Smith remake.

1291
01:08:54,621 --> 01:08:55,689
Reboot.

1292
01:08:56,189 --> 01:08:57,888
How are you not pissed off, huh?

1293
01:08:57,890 --> 01:09:00,424
Kevin Smith
is literally shitting

1294
01:09:00,426 --> 01:09:02,395
in the mouth
of the original movie.

1295
01:09:03,697 --> 01:09:04,995
I think the movie
is gonna be great.

1296
01:09:04,997 --> 01:09:06,531
Why are you sucking
the reboot's dick?

1297
01:09:06,533 --> 01:09:08,665
They're not gonna put you in it,
all right.

1298
01:09:08,667 --> 01:09:10,403
They're never gonna call you,
Diplo.

1299
01:09:10,871 --> 01:09:13,737
- Listen, buttfucker.
- Van Der Bitch.

1300
01:09:13,739 --> 01:09:16,010
Ooh, he called him
Van Der Bitch.

1301
01:09:18,677 --> 01:09:19,712
Interlopers.

1302
01:09:20,713 --> 01:09:21,715
Shit!

1303
01:09:29,788 --> 01:09:34,327
Of all said words, with tongue
or pen, the saddest of these,

1304
01:09:34,895 --> 01:09:36,664
they canceled Comic Book Men.

1305
01:10:03,722 --> 01:10:06,456
Look at these
morose motherfuckers right here.

1306
01:10:08,060 --> 01:10:11,398
Smells like somebody shit
in their cereal. Bong.

1307
01:10:14,134 --> 01:10:15,166
Holy fuck,

1308
01:10:15,168 --> 01:10:18,035
they got you mixed
up in this reboot shit, too?

1309
01:10:18,037 --> 01:10:19,303
You sound like my agent.

1310
01:10:19,305 --> 01:10:22,139
What are you two dirt merchants
doing in this neck of Hollywood?

1311
01:10:22,141 --> 01:10:25,143
Oh, I'll tell you what our necks
are doing in Holly's wood.

1312
01:10:25,145 --> 01:10:28,412
We're here to stop that
fuckin' reboot from happening,

1313
01:10:28,414 --> 01:10:30,781
so take us to Kevin James.

1314
01:10:30,783 --> 01:10:32,085
First of all, hi.

1315
01:10:32,952 --> 01:10:34,121
Nice to see you.

1316
01:10:35,587 --> 01:10:36,987
Been years, oh.

1317
01:10:36,989 --> 01:10:38,091
Nice to see you.

1318
01:10:39,225 --> 01:10:41,826
Good to see that one of you
at least is taking his age

1319
01:10:41,828 --> 01:10:43,160
and his health seriously.

1320
01:10:43,162 --> 01:10:44,594
Hey, what's with all the wires?

1321
01:10:44,596 --> 01:10:45,830
Are you trying
to destroy the stage?

1322
01:10:45,832 --> 01:10:48,402
Oh, just finished recording
a live episode of my podcast.

1323
01:10:48,935 --> 01:10:51,134
Holy fuck,
you got a podcast, too?

1324
01:10:51,136 --> 01:10:53,571
Is it to contextualize life
in America

1325
01:10:53,573 --> 01:10:55,940
- for your audience in China?
- What?

1326
01:10:55,942 --> 01:10:58,709
No, I interview people
in the funny book biz.

1327
01:10:58,711 --> 01:11:01,044
Since this is my first
Chronic-Con as guest of honor,

1328
01:11:01,046 --> 01:11:02,946
it's time I got someone else
to interview me.

1329
01:11:02,948 --> 01:11:04,816
Who? Banky fucking Edwards?

1330
01:11:04,818 --> 01:11:06,552
Not Banky fucking Edwards.

1331
01:11:07,987 --> 01:11:09,655
Alyssa fucking Jones.

1332
01:11:10,122 --> 01:11:11,657
It's fucking Finger-Cuffs.

1333
01:11:12,190 --> 01:11:13,590
Oh, my God.

1334
01:11:13,592 --> 01:11:14,925
Wait, what's so funny?

1335
01:11:14,927 --> 01:11:16,928
Remember Chasing Amy,
the classy book I did

1336
01:11:16,930 --> 01:11:18,862
after Bluntman and Chronic that
won me all the awards?

1337
01:11:18,864 --> 01:11:22,165
Anyway, Alyssa's turning that
book into a series for Netflix.

1338
01:11:22,167 --> 01:11:24,101
It was always a story that
should have been told

1339
01:11:24,103 --> 01:11:27,737
from a queer perspective
or a woman's perspective

1340
01:11:27,739 --> 01:11:31,142
or any perspective other than
a cis white man's.

1341
01:11:31,144 --> 01:11:32,710
Anyway we're laughing
because Netflix wants

1342
01:11:32,712 --> 01:11:33,977
an edgier title
than Chasing Amy,

1343
01:11:33,979 --> 01:11:35,847
one of their suggestions
was Finger-Cuffs.

1344
01:11:35,849 --> 01:11:37,482
You should text them a picture

1345
01:11:37,484 --> 01:11:39,549
of these two juggle heads,
and say they love your title.

1346
01:11:39,551 --> 01:11:41,785
Who are they? Harold and Kumar?

1347
01:11:41,787 --> 01:11:44,722
What? No. This is the actual
Jay and Silent Bob.

1348
01:11:44,724 --> 01:11:45,425
- What?
- Yeah.

1349
01:11:45,992 --> 01:11:47,157
Me and Banky used to buy weed
off these guys at Quik Stop.

1350
01:11:47,159 --> 01:11:49,494
That's where I got the idea
for Bluntman and Chronic.

1351
01:11:49,496 --> 01:11:52,132
Then the quiet one gave me
the title idea for Chasing Amy.

1352
01:11:52,564 --> 01:11:53,998
Come to think of it,
you motherfuckers

1353
01:11:54,000 --> 01:11:55,866
pay off like slot machines.

1354
01:11:55,868 --> 01:11:57,235
Save some new shit for me
to steal.

1355
01:11:57,237 --> 01:11:59,003
There you are.

1356
01:11:59,005 --> 01:11:59,803
- Hey, hon.
- Hey.

1357
01:11:59,805 --> 01:12:01,539
- Hey, Holden. Great panel.
- Hey.

1358
01:12:01,541 --> 01:12:03,674
Um, she's looking for you,
again.

1359
01:12:03,676 --> 01:12:05,009
- Already?
- Yes.

1360
01:12:05,011 --> 01:12:06,914
- I'm off to release the Kraken.
- Sorry.

1361
01:12:08,648 --> 01:12:09,946
"Release the Kraken,"
what is that,

1362
01:12:09,948 --> 01:12:11,652
a sex thing
between married people?

1363
01:12:12,118 --> 01:12:14,887
Are you even remotely familiar
with the story of Chasing Amy?

1364
01:12:15,354 --> 01:12:18,022
You're in it. I know it's a lot
of words, but fuck.

1365
01:12:18,024 --> 01:12:20,525
No, she's gay, bro.

1366
01:12:20,527 --> 01:12:22,559
Okay, obviously
Alyssa and I aren't married,

1367
01:12:22,561 --> 01:12:25,131
married people don't like
each other. We're co-parents.

1368
01:12:26,298 --> 01:12:28,566
- Wait a second, you have a kid?
- Yeah.

1369
01:12:28,568 --> 01:12:30,134
Alyssa and her partner wanted
to have a baby

1370
01:12:30,136 --> 01:12:32,637
and since we've known each other
and, more importantly,

1371
01:12:32,639 --> 01:12:35,272
liked each other for 20 years,
they asked me to be the father.

1372
01:12:35,274 --> 01:12:37,944
Yes, you got to hit
that shit again, son?

1373
01:12:39,279 --> 01:12:41,879
I can see you've matured well.

1374
01:12:41,881 --> 01:12:43,714
No, I got to hit
the doctor's office

1375
01:12:43,716 --> 01:12:45,081
where I filled a cup.

1376
01:12:45,083 --> 01:12:47,621
We went in-vitro. Science, bro.

1377
01:12:48,988 --> 01:12:51,792
You know, a year later I met
a girl who loves me.

1378
01:12:52,692 --> 01:12:54,228
Who loves me.

1379
01:12:57,564 --> 01:12:59,196
She wants to know
who Daddy's talking to.

1380
01:12:59,198 --> 01:13:00,901
Hi, little pink sugar heart.

1381
01:13:03,002 --> 01:13:04,302
Say hi to Daddy's friends.

1382
01:13:04,304 --> 01:13:06,670
Daddy's known these boys
since he was little.

1383
01:13:06,672 --> 01:13:08,742
Boys, this is our daughter, Amy.

1384
01:13:11,844 --> 01:13:14,111
Dude, just like that story
you tell.

1385
01:13:14,113 --> 01:13:15,849
Say hello to Jay and Silent Bob.

1386
01:13:16,916 --> 01:13:18,252
Hi, Jay and Silent Bob.

1387
01:13:19,586 --> 01:13:20,554
Hi.

1388
01:13:21,186 --> 01:13:23,256
Whoop.

1389
01:13:24,323 --> 01:13:26,357
So you got her?
We're gonna go grab a smoke

1390
01:13:26,359 --> 01:13:27,861
and check out the cosplay.

1391
01:13:30,029 --> 01:13:32,263
Okay. Have fun,
thanks for the interview.

1392
01:13:33,899 --> 01:13:35,665
So what do you think, kiddo?

1393
01:13:35,667 --> 01:13:37,300
Do you like
these stinky old fools?

1394
01:13:37,302 --> 01:13:38,369
Mm-hmm.

1395
01:13:38,371 --> 01:13:40,004
Dude, how did something
so amazing

1396
01:13:40,006 --> 01:13:42,242
come from your funny book
making balls?

1397
01:13:43,842 --> 01:13:45,945
Well, it's a mystery to me,
too, G.

1398
01:13:47,313 --> 01:13:48,748
I'm a huge fan of the kid.

1399
01:13:49,381 --> 01:13:52,685
Bluntman's getting a reboot,
Netflix is making Amy.

1400
01:13:53,619 --> 01:13:54,652
People hate the present so much,

1401
01:13:54,654 --> 01:13:56,620
it's like they wanna
retreat into the past.

1402
01:13:56,622 --> 01:13:58,625
All of a sudden
all my old bullshit is back.

1403
01:13:59,626 --> 01:14:01,692
And some of that old bullshit
meant the world to me

1404
01:14:01,694 --> 01:14:02,829
when I was starting out.

1405
01:14:04,029 --> 01:14:05,696
But now that all my
childhood dreams

1406
01:14:05,698 --> 01:14:06,630
are starting to come true,

1407
01:14:06,632 --> 01:14:08,201
I mean, it's nice,
don't get me wrong...

1408
01:14:08,868 --> 01:14:11,071
that kid is just
way more interesting to me.

1409
01:14:11,671 --> 01:14:13,269
I used to think life
was all about me,

1410
01:14:13,271 --> 01:14:14,839
I was the hero of my own story.

1411
01:14:14,841 --> 01:14:16,840
A Bruce Wayne
of one life-long issue

1412
01:14:16,842 --> 01:14:18,144
of Detective Comics,
so to speak.

1413
01:14:19,145 --> 01:14:21,715
And then that kid came along
and suddenly you realize...

1414
01:14:22,981 --> 01:14:24,618
you're not Bruce Wayne anymore.

1415
01:14:25,717 --> 01:14:27,183
You're Thomas Wayne

1416
01:14:27,185 --> 01:14:30,655
or Bruce Wayne's mom,
whose name escapes me.

1417
01:14:30,657 --> 01:14:33,057
♪ Stay, and don't you ever
Run away... ♪

1418
01:14:33,059 --> 01:14:35,829
Anyway, I'm just here to set
the real story in motion.

1419
01:14:37,162 --> 01:14:38,896
Because once you become
a parent,

1420
01:14:38,898 --> 01:14:41,168
you're not the star anymore.
You're the stage.

1421
01:14:42,668 --> 01:14:44,669
I'm just here to prop up
my kid so she can put on

1422
01:14:44,671 --> 01:14:46,873
the show of her life,
like my parents did for me,

1423
01:14:47,372 --> 01:14:48,772
like theirs did before them.

1424
01:14:48,774 --> 01:14:50,340
And if you're lucky enough
to have a kid,

1425
01:14:50,342 --> 01:14:53,143
the tradeoff is you don't really
get a third act to your story,

1426
01:14:53,145 --> 01:14:54,347
because the story changes.

1427
01:14:54,814 --> 01:14:56,716
All of a sudden
it's not about you anymore...

1428
01:14:57,384 --> 01:14:59,286
for the first time
in your self-involved life...

1429
01:15:00,386 --> 01:15:01,855
that's okay.

1430
01:15:02,822 --> 01:15:04,056
Kids are like our reboots,

1431
01:15:04,556 --> 01:15:06,357
another chance to tell
a brand-new version

1432
01:15:06,359 --> 01:15:07,661
of the same old story.

1433
01:15:08,194 --> 01:15:09,860
I know I'm supposed to be
teaching Amy stuff,

1434
01:15:09,862 --> 01:15:12,365
but it's like I'm learning
from her every day.

1435
01:15:13,899 --> 01:15:16,869
So, spend my days chasing Amy...

1436
01:15:18,738 --> 01:15:19,836
so to speak.

1437
01:15:19,838 --> 01:15:22,238
♪ Stay with me ♪

1438
01:15:22,240 --> 01:15:24,741
Look. I know I dragged us all
the way to Hollywood

1439
01:15:24,743 --> 01:15:27,143
to stop this fucking reboot
from happening,

1440
01:15:27,145 --> 01:15:28,411
but I haven't been there
for Milly

1441
01:15:28,413 --> 01:15:30,281
her whole fucking life,
Silent Bob.

1442
01:15:30,283 --> 01:15:31,418
Sorry. Who's Milly?

1443
01:15:32,118 --> 01:15:35,052
And we came
to get our names back,

1444
01:15:35,054 --> 01:15:37,353
but I have a new fucking name,
Silent Bob,

1445
01:15:37,355 --> 01:15:39,389
and it's fucking Dad, okay?

1446
01:15:39,391 --> 01:15:42,229
And that will be the only name
I ever need again.

1447
01:15:45,264 --> 01:15:47,764
Yo, Bluntboy, you think you can
get us in the reboot shoot

1448
01:15:47,766 --> 01:15:48,769
in the ballroom?

1449
01:15:49,435 --> 01:15:52,072
I'm guest of honor, bro.

1450
01:15:54,907 --> 01:15:55,942
Thanks, bro.

1451
01:15:58,310 --> 01:16:00,410
- They're gone, girl.
- Where?

1452
01:16:00,412 --> 01:16:02,281
They're on the town.
It's just us.

1453
01:16:02,715 --> 01:16:04,214
We're the Just Us League.

1454
01:16:04,216 --> 01:16:06,217
What are you looking at me
like that for?

1455
01:16:06,219 --> 01:16:08,055
You're like,
"Oh, go fuck yourself."

1456
01:16:11,457 --> 01:16:13,456
Okay, Shan Yu. This is it.

1457
01:16:13,458 --> 01:16:15,796
Your dream
is about to come true.

1458
01:16:16,529 --> 01:16:19,263
VIP, out of the way,
out of the way.

1459
01:16:19,265 --> 01:16:20,867
Watch your beard, man.

1460
01:16:21,567 --> 01:16:24,501
Okay, everybody.
Everybody, listen up.

1461
01:16:24,503 --> 01:16:26,305
We can't take any more extras.

1462
01:16:27,472 --> 01:16:28,938
Get out of here.

1463
01:16:28,940 --> 01:16:30,808
Uh, no. We're... We're next.

1464
01:16:30,810 --> 01:16:34,812
You... No, you're not. Okay?
Sign in is done.

1465
01:16:34,814 --> 01:16:36,546
Well, I'm not done,
motherfucker.

1466
01:16:36,548 --> 01:16:38,848
Did you not hear that?
Get out of here.

1467
01:16:38,850 --> 01:16:42,419
I'm done today
and you're done today.

1468
01:16:48,127 --> 01:16:49,259
Yo.

1469
01:16:49,261 --> 01:16:51,294
If we can't stop this reboot,

1470
01:16:51,296 --> 01:16:53,496
we might as well
watch this reboot.

1471
01:16:53,498 --> 01:16:56,200
Get your VIP badges right here.

1472
01:16:56,202 --> 01:16:57,337
One, two, three, four...

1473
01:17:08,280 --> 01:17:10,414
I've never been on a movie set
before.

1474
01:17:10,416 --> 01:17:14,919
Oh, we have. And movie people
are dicks, especially directors.

1475
01:17:14,921 --> 01:17:16,219
Ladies and gentlemen,

1476
01:17:16,221 --> 01:17:18,222
the director of
Bluntman v Chronic, Kevin Smith.

1477
01:17:18,224 --> 01:17:20,924
♪ Everybody spot a spliff
for the legend Kevin Smith ♪

1478
01:17:20,926 --> 01:17:23,027
Hey!

1479
01:17:27,332 --> 01:17:30,099
Oh, my God, man. Thank you
for fucking being here.

1480
01:17:30,101 --> 01:17:33,372
Number one, happy Chronic-Con,
everybody.

1481
01:17:35,841 --> 01:17:37,273
I don't know
if anybody knows this,

1482
01:17:37,275 --> 01:17:39,543
but last year,
I had a heart attack.

1483
01:17:39,545 --> 01:17:42,045
So, what I did
was cast the movie

1484
01:17:42,047 --> 01:17:45,382
with a bunch of people
who were sad that I almost died.

1485
01:17:45,384 --> 01:17:47,154
I guilted the cast...

1486
01:17:47,787 --> 01:17:50,454
...into joining the movie. So,
you know, SAG should give us

1487
01:17:50,456 --> 01:17:53,057
award for the guiltiest fucking
cast, man.

1488
01:17:53,059 --> 01:17:55,092
I hate this guy.

1489
01:17:55,094 --> 01:17:57,329
He forces his kid
to be in everything he makes.

1490
01:17:57,762 --> 01:17:59,597
Right now it's just an idea
in your heads,

1491
01:17:59,599 --> 01:18:01,365
"Ooh, what can this movie be?"

1492
01:18:01,367 --> 01:18:04,968
Fuck ideas. I'm from Hollywood.
That's what we say and shit.

1493
01:18:04,970 --> 01:18:06,070
So, what I'm gonna do,

1494
01:18:06,072 --> 01:18:08,606
we're gonna show you
an actual clip from the movie,

1495
01:18:08,608 --> 01:18:12,009
Bluntman v Chronic
right now, man.

1496
01:18:13,212 --> 01:18:17,080
Ladies and gentlemen,
Bluntman v Chronic.

1497
01:18:17,082 --> 01:18:18,348
Check this shit out.

1498
01:18:21,153 --> 01:18:22,155
Woo!

1499
01:18:34,533 --> 01:18:38,405
Bluntman!

1500
01:19:09,001 --> 01:19:10,270
Holy fuck.

1501
01:19:10,703 --> 01:19:12,205
Oh, you're mad at me?

1502
01:19:14,606 --> 01:19:16,909
Lemme be blunt, man.

1503
01:19:17,310 --> 01:19:19,646
I liked you better when you were
silent, Bob.

1504
01:19:24,783 --> 01:19:28,619
If you really wanna V,
I'm ready to blast your ass

1505
01:19:28,621 --> 01:19:31,487
and kick you in the hater tots.

1506
01:19:31,489 --> 01:19:33,991
Merkin was right, dude.
"Hater Totz" does mean

1507
01:19:33,993 --> 01:19:35,726
different things
to different people.

1508
01:19:51,243 --> 01:19:55,312
Oh, indica. You son of a bitch.

1509
01:19:55,314 --> 01:19:58,385
Smells like this reboot
went up in smoke.

1510
01:19:59,385 --> 01:20:01,954
- Alfred.
- Hi, man.

1511
01:20:04,622 --> 01:20:06,123
Sorry to How High, dude,

1512
01:20:06,125 --> 01:20:09,192
but this is now
the greatest movie ever made.

1513
01:20:10,529 --> 01:20:13,664
When you said you wanted to V,
you meant vaping?

1514
01:20:13,666 --> 01:20:15,969
I thought the V was for versus.

1515
01:20:16,636 --> 01:20:19,102
- Stoners don't fight, man.
- No.

1516
01:20:19,104 --> 01:20:20,204
'Cause when you're baked,

1517
01:20:20,206 --> 01:20:23,440
you finally see all
the important details, you know?

1518
01:20:23,442 --> 01:20:25,342
You know what
I never noticed before?

1519
01:20:25,344 --> 01:20:29,315
This place is, like...
It's huge.

1520
01:20:30,082 --> 01:20:33,683
But, like, size is, like,
relative, man, you know.

1521
01:20:33,685 --> 01:20:35,956
You know, it's like little dogs.

1522
01:20:36,422 --> 01:20:38,187
They don't know they're little.

1523
01:20:38,189 --> 01:20:40,626
That's why they always start
shit with big dogs.

1524
01:20:41,194 --> 01:20:43,593
They don't get size, man.

1525
01:20:43,595 --> 01:20:46,532
Yeah. You know what else
they don't get? Money.

1526
01:20:47,632 --> 01:20:49,735
Try explaining money to a dog.

1527
01:20:50,670 --> 01:20:54,670
I have. It just looked
at me like, "Oh?"

1528
01:20:54,672 --> 01:20:58,709
I gave a dog a 20-dollar bill
once, man. It didn't work out.

1529
01:21:03,815 --> 01:21:07,052
Hey, is this one of those
comic book movies, man?

1530
01:21:09,889 --> 01:21:12,092
Oh, am I in Black Panther?

1531
01:21:16,261 --> 01:21:17,529
Oh, fuck.

1532
01:21:19,198 --> 01:21:21,397
Genius!

1533
01:21:21,399 --> 01:21:22,768
Wow fucking wow.

1534
01:21:23,769 --> 01:21:26,303
Give that man an Oscar.

1535
01:21:26,305 --> 01:21:28,438
And that's just a taste,
ladies and gentlemen.

1536
01:21:28,440 --> 01:21:29,540
That's a soupçon.

1537
01:21:29,542 --> 01:21:32,142
Okay, the scene that
we're gonna shoot here today,

1538
01:21:32,144 --> 01:21:36,345
right now, is the invasion
of Chronic-Con, man.

1539
01:21:36,347 --> 01:21:38,848
So, give it up
for the contemptible

1540
01:21:38,850 --> 01:21:42,421
Cock Knocker Cockmandos,
ladies and gentlemen.

1541
01:21:43,122 --> 01:21:46,456
Look at that shit.
We spent so much money

1542
01:21:46,458 --> 01:21:48,592
on those costumes
it's fucking crazy.

1543
01:21:48,594 --> 01:21:50,460
So, the cast is fucking huge.

1544
01:21:50,462 --> 01:21:51,695
I'm still thinking about
putting my friend,

1545
01:21:51,697 --> 01:21:52,795
Jason Mewes, in it and shit.

1546
01:21:52,797 --> 01:21:55,531
And the jury is out
on whether I put my kid in it.

1547
01:21:55,533 --> 01:21:56,367
She's an actress now.

1548
01:21:56,836 --> 01:21:58,802
But I don't believe in nepotism
so I might leave her out of it.

1549
01:21:58,804 --> 01:22:00,707
Man, she can earn her own
fucking keep in Hollywood.

1550
01:22:01,541 --> 01:22:04,110
- Just so I can...
- What the fuck are you doing?

1551
01:22:04,944 --> 01:22:06,677
He kind of looks like
the director.

1552
01:22:06,679 --> 01:22:08,611
...is gonna be
in the actual picture.

1553
01:22:08,613 --> 01:22:11,482
My bad,
I forgot to say spoilers.

1554
01:22:11,484 --> 01:22:14,518
No way, man.
That guy wears jorts.

1555
01:22:14,520 --> 01:22:16,352
This guy would never wear jorts.

1556
01:22:16,354 --> 01:22:18,554
- What the fuck are jorts?
- Jean shorts.

1557
01:22:18,556 --> 01:22:19,723
That was our goal...

1558
01:22:19,725 --> 01:22:21,791
You stay here.
Wait for my signal.

1559
01:22:21,793 --> 01:22:22,759
That's possible.

1560
01:22:22,761 --> 01:22:24,128
You, come with me.

1561
01:22:24,130 --> 01:22:25,062
...with the walrus movie,

1562
01:22:25,064 --> 01:22:27,296
but look at that.
Before we get started,

1563
01:22:27,298 --> 01:22:28,632
I have to go backstage

1564
01:22:28,634 --> 01:22:30,400
and take care
of some very important

1565
01:22:30,402 --> 01:22:31,735
director-type things.

1566
01:22:31,737 --> 01:22:33,669
But as soon as I get back, man,

1567
01:22:33,671 --> 01:22:35,606
we're gonna make some
movie magic together,

1568
01:22:35,608 --> 01:22:38,509
ladies and gentlemen.
Yes, movie magic!

1569
01:22:40,845 --> 01:22:43,546
Where is my smoking jacket?

1570
01:22:43,548 --> 01:22:45,214
Did you see that crowd
out there, Mike?

1571
01:22:45,216 --> 01:22:48,518
Fuck, man. We're back, bitch.
Fuck Cop Out.

1572
01:22:48,520 --> 01:22:50,486
Thank you, my friend.

1573
01:22:50,488 --> 01:22:52,623
Mm, life is good.

1574
01:22:52,625 --> 01:22:56,762
Life is good and I'm now alone
and finally...

1575
01:22:58,396 --> 01:22:59,399
Mm.

1576
01:23:20,618 --> 01:23:21,621
Hey!

1577
01:23:22,121 --> 01:23:23,890
Sleep, sleep, sleep.

1578
01:23:25,858 --> 01:23:27,260
Where's this signal at?

1579
01:23:30,695 --> 01:23:31,928
I need to talk to him.

1580
01:23:31,930 --> 01:23:33,664
- He is occupied.
- Who are you?

1581
01:23:33,666 --> 01:23:34,830
He told me to tell you...

1582
01:23:34,832 --> 01:23:35,831
He told you what?

1583
01:23:35,833 --> 01:23:37,836
- Those girls and that old man.
- He told you?

1584
01:23:44,710 --> 01:23:45,578
So...

1585
01:23:46,311 --> 01:23:49,213
the director stopped
speaking to me. Yeah.

1586
01:23:49,215 --> 01:23:50,281
I'm the first AD.

1587
01:23:50,283 --> 01:23:51,915
Right, so this whole thing
has gone off the rails.

1588
01:23:51,917 --> 01:23:53,784
This is a shitshow, worse
than House Party 4.

1589
01:23:53,786 --> 01:23:54,951
Trust me when I say that.

1590
01:23:54,953 --> 01:23:57,553
But he told some little girl
who I've never met before

1591
01:23:57,555 --> 01:24:00,656
to tell me to tell you that he
would like all of you diverse

1592
01:24:00,658 --> 01:24:03,259
and interesting young children
to get on stage with him today

1593
01:24:03,261 --> 01:24:04,227
and do this scene.

1594
01:24:04,229 --> 01:24:05,963
Hello, everybody.

1595
01:24:05,965 --> 01:24:09,569
I'm here because Kevin Smith
lost his voice.

1596
01:24:12,637 --> 01:24:17,273
Oh. But he asked me to tell you
to welcome to the stage

1597
01:24:17,275 --> 01:24:22,411
all the way from China,
Bluntman superfan, Shan Yu.

1598
01:24:29,654 --> 01:24:30,956
Woo!

1599
01:24:37,729 --> 01:24:38,730
Come on. Come on.

1600
01:24:46,072 --> 01:24:50,540
Oh, holy shit. That girl just
pulled a gun on Kevin Smith.

1601
01:24:50,542 --> 01:24:53,309
'Cause she probably paid to see
Yoga Hosers.

1602
01:24:53,311 --> 01:24:54,814
That's not Kevin Smith.

1603
01:24:55,814 --> 01:24:56,816
Fist him.

1604
01:24:58,751 --> 01:25:00,517
Oh, shit.

1605
01:25:00,519 --> 01:25:03,286
The guy that's not Kevin Smith
just got fisted.

1606
01:25:03,288 --> 01:25:05,789
And he didn't even use
lubricant.

1607
01:25:05,791 --> 01:25:07,894
Throw that trash
into the garbage.

1608
01:25:09,395 --> 01:25:10,760
Commence collusion.

1609
01:25:12,931 --> 01:25:15,367
So the fake Cock Knockers
are the real bad guys.

1610
01:25:15,835 --> 01:25:18,367
Fuck, this movie's hard
to keep straight.

1611
01:25:18,369 --> 01:25:20,303
What are you doing, Shan Yu?

1612
01:25:20,305 --> 01:25:22,442
Is it not as clear as vodka?

1613
01:25:23,009 --> 01:25:25,310
I'm not teenager from China.

1614
01:25:31,082 --> 01:25:33,983
I am secret agent from Russia.

1615
01:25:33,985 --> 01:25:36,855
One of them was wearing
a cat suit, I fucking knew it.

1616
01:25:41,393 --> 01:25:43,262
He smells American too.

1617
01:25:58,877 --> 01:26:01,547
Russia's infiltrated
American banks,

1618
01:26:02,213 --> 01:26:04,984
we have infiltrated
American elections,

1619
01:26:05,451 --> 01:26:07,886
and now, thanks to you...

1620
01:26:08,854 --> 01:26:12,891
we infiltrate American
pop culture conventions.

1621
01:26:13,826 --> 01:26:14,958
Why?

1622
01:26:14,960 --> 01:26:16,692
Take out your mobile devices

1623
01:26:16,694 --> 01:26:18,829
and broadcast
this historic moment

1624
01:26:18,831 --> 01:26:20,565
to the rest of the world.

1625
01:26:21,833 --> 01:26:23,866
What if
you only have a flip phone?

1626
01:26:23,868 --> 01:26:25,771
People of America...

1627
01:26:27,038 --> 01:26:31,777
I come in peace,
but director of Jersey Girl...

1628
01:26:34,078 --> 01:26:35,447
Holy fuck!

1629
01:26:36,481 --> 01:26:37,216
Ow.

1630
01:26:37,783 --> 01:26:42,585
He will soon go to pieces when
I execute him live on internet.

1631
01:26:44,390 --> 01:26:46,492
Is this because
I'm a proud jorts wearer?

1632
01:26:46,958 --> 01:26:48,959
This because
you're standard issue,

1633
01:26:48,961 --> 01:26:52,562
overrated American pop culture
celebrity

1634
01:26:52,564 --> 01:26:54,430
who repeats himself
artistically,

1635
01:26:54,432 --> 01:26:57,567
if what you do
can even be called art,

1636
01:26:57,569 --> 01:27:00,773
and clings desperately
to past glory of 1990s.

1637
01:27:01,840 --> 01:27:03,572
You've been talking to my wife.

1638
01:27:03,574 --> 01:27:05,577
I'm not gonna let you do this,
Shan Yu.

1639
01:27:06,145 --> 01:27:09,713
But you helped me do this,
Millennium.

1640
01:27:09,715 --> 01:27:13,016
I catfish you and your friends

1641
01:27:13,018 --> 01:27:15,451
so I can harness
the liberal sympathies

1642
01:27:15,453 --> 01:27:17,553
of broken young women

1643
01:27:17,555 --> 01:27:20,960
who hoped to fill the deep
emotional void left by...

1644
01:27:21,760 --> 01:27:24,931
a sibling who tries
to kill you...

1645
01:27:25,963 --> 01:27:28,934
or the solitude of silence...

1646
01:27:29,734 --> 01:27:33,903
or worsen your privileged life
crying about the father

1647
01:27:33,905 --> 01:27:36,809
who left you
before you were even born.

1648
01:27:37,676 --> 01:27:41,143
Ooh, sick fucking burn, man.
I'll shut up.

1649
01:27:41,145 --> 01:27:43,448
Maybe her dad didn't leave her.

1650
01:27:44,048 --> 01:27:45,083
What he say?

1651
01:27:47,051 --> 01:27:48,552
Maybe her dad didn't even know

1652
01:27:48,554 --> 01:27:50,155
he had a kid
until the other day.

1653
01:27:52,090 --> 01:27:53,690
What are you saying?

1654
01:27:53,692 --> 01:27:55,491
Jesus,
for a private school girl,

1655
01:27:55,493 --> 01:27:58,398
you're pretty fucking stupid.
I'm your father.

1656
01:27:59,898 --> 01:28:01,000
Oh, God. Wait.

1657
01:28:03,167 --> 01:28:06,969
- No way. No... No fucking way.
- Yes fucking way.

1658
01:28:06,971 --> 01:28:09,772
But I only found out the day
we came to Chicago

1659
01:28:09,774 --> 01:28:11,241
and I wanted to tell you
the whole trip,

1660
01:28:11,243 --> 01:28:13,175
but I promised your mom
I wouldn't.

1661
01:28:13,177 --> 01:28:15,678
But I'm telling you now,
because, sometimes,

1662
01:28:15,680 --> 01:28:19,182
breaking a promise is the right
fucking thing to do, all right?

1663
01:28:19,184 --> 01:28:21,485
Because if I kept every promise
I ever made,

1664
01:28:21,487 --> 01:28:23,018
you wouldn't be here,

1665
01:28:23,020 --> 01:28:24,219
because this one time,

1666
01:28:24,221 --> 01:28:26,889
I made a promise to your mom
that I wouldn't cum in her.

1667
01:28:26,891 --> 01:28:29,692
- What the fuck, man!
- Look, I'm sorry, all right?

1668
01:28:29,694 --> 01:28:32,728
I was only stalling
so I could get closer

1669
01:28:32,730 --> 01:28:36,802
to the guy with the big-ass gun,
now!

1670
01:28:38,904 --> 01:28:40,036
Yes!

1671
01:28:40,038 --> 01:28:41,474
Here comes... ♪♪♪

1672
01:28:41,940 --> 01:28:43,940
This fucker's fake, dude.

1673
01:28:43,942 --> 01:28:45,043
Why would it be real?

1674
01:28:45,810 --> 01:28:47,076
No!

1675
01:28:47,078 --> 01:28:49,211
Don't any of you
cosplaying cocks have some

1676
01:28:49,213 --> 01:28:51,113
- real fucking guns? What the...
- I sees him...

1677
01:28:51,115 --> 01:28:52,685
- Let him go!
- Nyet.

1678
01:28:53,252 --> 01:28:55,785
Before we execute Kevin Smith...

1679
01:28:55,787 --> 01:28:56,719
Fuck.

1680
01:28:56,721 --> 01:28:59,889
...first, we execute
this old degenerate.

1681
01:28:59,891 --> 01:29:02,526
- No!
- Old? Man, fuck you!

1682
01:29:02,528 --> 01:29:05,995
I give big daddy a moment
to offer his newfound daughter

1683
01:29:05,997 --> 01:29:10,901
any last heartfelt words
before we stop his heart.

1684
01:29:10,903 --> 01:29:13,969
Kid, I'm okay with dying
right now,

1685
01:29:13,971 --> 01:29:18,040
because I know a small piece
of me is gonna live on in you.

1686
01:29:18,042 --> 01:29:20,809
Not if they fucking kill me too,
you idiot.

1687
01:29:20,811 --> 01:29:24,050
Holy shit, you're right.
Somebody save me!

1688
01:29:28,287 --> 01:29:29,152
What was that?

1689
01:29:29,154 --> 01:29:32,955
Ooh, you made him mad,
he's mad now!

1690
01:29:36,795 --> 01:29:42,598
- What is that, Ted Underhill?
- I am not Ted Underhill.

1691
01:29:42,600 --> 01:29:45,067
Oh, fuck.
He's got a secret identity.

1692
01:29:45,069 --> 01:29:48,170
Allow me to introduce myself.

1693
01:29:48,172 --> 01:29:49,675
I'm Jay...

1694
01:29:50,509 --> 01:29:53,246
...and this is
my hetero-lifemate...

1695
01:29:55,314 --> 01:29:57,182
Iron Bob!

1696
01:30:00,953 --> 01:30:02,218
It's Robert Downey, Jr.

1697
01:30:02,220 --> 01:30:04,624
- What?
- Oh, Marvel gonna sue somebody.

1698
01:30:13,631 --> 01:30:14,863
Shoot the tin man.

1699
01:30:14,865 --> 01:30:16,868
Shoot! keep shooting!

1700
01:30:19,104 --> 01:30:20,773
Dasvidaniya!

1701
01:30:22,841 --> 01:30:24,641
Yeah, Iron Bob!

1702
01:30:24,643 --> 01:30:26,846
For Mother Russia! Ow!

1703
01:30:38,756 --> 01:30:40,091
We know that guy.

1704
01:30:42,293 --> 01:30:45,762
Holy fuck! I can't wait until
they make him a Funko Pop.

1705
01:30:54,905 --> 01:30:57,973
Oh, my God, he just spoke
fucking Valyrian!

1706
01:30:57,975 --> 01:31:00,943
I'll fuck anything that moves!

1707
01:31:00,945 --> 01:31:01,812
Eject!

1708
01:31:01,814 --> 01:31:03,979
Holy shit, this shit's
fucking bananas!

1709
01:31:03,981 --> 01:31:06,252
Go! Hadouken!

1710
01:31:06,752 --> 01:31:08,918
Man, I smell some
fucking good weed,

1711
01:31:08,920 --> 01:31:10,053
that's some of that
dank-ass shit,

1712
01:31:10,055 --> 01:31:12,921
knock a motherfucker out
just like that. Like I said...

1713
01:31:17,929 --> 01:31:21,333
Oh, shit.
I've been drugged.

1714
01:31:22,667 --> 01:31:23,835
That's strong shit.

1715
01:31:24,269 --> 01:31:26,402
Hey, little girl.
Can I buy some weed from you?

1716
01:31:26,404 --> 01:31:27,606
I'm busy.

1717
01:31:33,744 --> 01:31:35,914
My precious podcasting ears!

1718
01:31:36,515 --> 01:31:38,684
- Fuck!
- It hurts, Yes?

1719
01:31:39,283 --> 01:31:42,988
That's because this is
not a podcast recording device.

1720
01:31:44,088 --> 01:31:46,826
It is KGB sonic disrupter.

1721
01:31:47,326 --> 01:31:49,362
You suck!

1722
01:31:58,904 --> 01:31:59,905
Fuck, yeah!

1723
01:32:05,277 --> 01:32:06,976
Let's get aggressive, girls.

1724
01:32:12,016 --> 01:32:13,083
Fuck.

1725
01:32:16,320 --> 01:32:18,220
That joint you gave me
really came in handy.

1726
01:32:18,222 --> 01:32:20,292
Whatever you do, don't tell
your mom I gave you weed.

1727
01:32:21,158 --> 01:32:24,460
Oh, my God, I fucking love
this reboot. Oh, shit.

1728
01:32:24,462 --> 01:32:25,329
All right.

1729
01:32:25,331 --> 01:32:27,464
So right about now, man,
we finished up

1730
01:32:27,466 --> 01:32:30,032
all three acts of the story,
all the main characters

1731
01:32:30,034 --> 01:32:31,302
are where they need to be...

1732
01:32:32,170 --> 01:32:35,071
all that's left is the emotional
denouement.

1733
01:32:35,073 --> 01:32:36,071
In order to get there,

1734
01:32:36,073 --> 01:32:38,911
maybe I'll start
a slow dissolve right about now.

1735
01:32:58,796 --> 01:32:59,964
So now what do we do?

1736
01:33:00,465 --> 01:33:02,232
I wanted to talk to you
about that.

1737
01:33:02,234 --> 01:33:03,235
Um...

1738
01:33:04,502 --> 01:33:06,005
I've never had a kid before.

1739
01:33:06,505 --> 01:33:08,306
It's okay, I never had
a dad before.

1740
01:33:10,074 --> 01:33:11,174
Yeah, but the thing is...

1741
01:33:11,176 --> 01:33:13,746
Is I don't know if I'm ready
to be somebody's dad.

1742
01:33:17,248 --> 01:33:20,251
Save it, old man. I...
I get it.

1743
01:33:28,126 --> 01:33:29,459
Like I was saying,

1744
01:33:29,461 --> 01:33:31,928
I don't know if I'm ready
to be somebody's dad,

1745
01:33:31,930 --> 01:33:33,365
so I wanna practice.

1746
01:33:33,864 --> 01:33:37,400
And so I figured, why not start
off with a dream I always had

1747
01:33:37,402 --> 01:33:39,335
of drinking coffee with my kid

1748
01:33:39,337 --> 01:33:42,141
and teaching her stuff
that she doesn't already know.

1749
01:33:42,974 --> 01:33:43,976
Like dad stuff.

1750
01:33:45,143 --> 01:33:46,145
Okay?

1751
01:33:50,015 --> 01:33:51,880
Okay. I've hung out
in front of this store

1752
01:33:51,882 --> 01:33:55,153
almost my whole life.
My advice, don't do that.

1753
01:33:56,154 --> 01:33:57,223
Not for a while.

1754
01:33:57,855 --> 01:33:59,455
First, find a best friend

1755
01:33:59,457 --> 01:34:01,424
you can have
a whole lot of adventures with.

1756
01:34:01,426 --> 01:34:03,526
But pick a good listener,

1757
01:34:03,528 --> 01:34:05,861
someone that always
has your back

1758
01:34:05,863 --> 01:34:07,799
even when he's standing
right next to you.

1759
01:34:08,899 --> 01:34:10,101
♪ Young girl ♪

1760
01:34:11,302 --> 01:34:12,904
♪ Violins ♪

1761
01:34:14,005 --> 01:34:16,438
♪ Center of her own attention ♪

1762
01:34:16,440 --> 01:34:23,047
♪ The mother reads aloud
Child tries to understand it ♪

1763
01:34:23,847 --> 01:34:26,284
♪ Tries to make her proud ♪

1764
01:34:28,220 --> 01:34:30,320
♪ The shades go... ♪

1765
01:34:30,322 --> 01:34:32,955
But don't worry about fucking up
in life, okay?

1766
01:34:32,957 --> 01:34:36,860
Silent Bob always says,
"Failure is success training."

1767
01:34:36,862 --> 01:34:39,097
How come you aren't the most
successful man in the world?

1768
01:34:39,898 --> 01:34:40,666
I am today.

1769
01:34:41,166 --> 01:34:46,134
♪ Don't call me daughter
Not fit to, not fit too... ♪

1770
01:34:46,136 --> 01:34:47,903
All right, enough of that
mushy stuff.

1771
01:34:47,905 --> 01:34:50,509
Um, we have a whole lot
of catching up to do, kiddo.

1772
01:34:51,208 --> 01:34:53,845
- Alright. You ready?
- Let's do it, Dad.

1773
01:34:54,445 --> 01:34:56,912
Okay. So, one time me
and Silent Bob went

1774
01:34:56,914 --> 01:34:59,482
to this mall, right? And then,
a couple of years later,

1775
01:34:59,484 --> 01:35:03,355
we fought these renegade angels
and met God herself.

1776
01:35:03,787 --> 01:35:06,188
And even though me
and Silent Bob saved the world,

1777
01:35:06,190 --> 01:35:08,527
all these Catholics got
pissed off at us anyway.

1778
01:35:09,194 --> 01:35:10,996
Fuck them if they can't take
a joke.

1779
01:35:13,163 --> 01:35:14,496
Snoogans.

1780
01:35:14,498 --> 01:35:17,366
Oh, my God, you're learning,
snooge.

1781
01:35:17,368 --> 01:35:20,236
All right. Anyways,
after all that angel stuff,

1782
01:35:20,238 --> 01:35:22,504
me and Silent Bob went
to Hollywood.

1783
01:35:22,506 --> 01:35:24,473
That was the first time we went
to Hollywood

1784
01:35:24,475 --> 01:35:27,677
where we met your mom
and a monkey named Suzanne.

1785
01:35:27,679 --> 01:35:30,946
Yeah. She still sends us
Christmas cards every year.

1786
01:35:30,948 --> 01:35:32,115
My mom?

1787
01:35:32,117 --> 01:35:35,585
No, the monkey. Oh, and then
the Quik Stop burned down,

1788
01:35:35,587 --> 01:35:38,924
which is right around the time
me and Silent Bob went to rehab.

1789
01:35:39,490 --> 01:35:40,559
Why'd you guys go to rehab?

1790
01:35:41,493 --> 01:35:45,928
We got caught driving around
with deployed airbags.

1791
01:35:45,930 --> 01:35:47,365
♪ Not fit to ♪

1792
01:35:48,100 --> 01:35:53,201
♪ The picture kept
Will remind me ♪

1793
01:35:53,203 --> 01:35:58,206
♪ Don't call me daughter
Not fit to be ♪

1794
01:35:58,208 --> 01:36:03,111
♪ The picture kept
Will remind me ♪

1795
01:36:03,113 --> 01:36:05,116
♪ Don't call me ♪

1796
01:36:08,621 --> 01:36:11,653
♪ Drinkin' blunts, smoking 40's
Smokin' 40's drinkin' blunts ♪

1797
01:36:11,655 --> 01:36:13,388
♪ That's what this kid
Does for fun ♪

1798
01:36:13,390 --> 01:36:15,191
♪ Pour some smoke
Into that cup ♪

1799
01:36:15,193 --> 01:36:18,460
♪ Drinkin' blunts, smokin' 40's
Smokin' 40's drinkin' blunts ♪

1800
01:36:18,462 --> 01:36:20,196
♪ That's what this kid
Does for fun ♪

1801
01:36:20,198 --> 01:36:21,731
♪ Pour some smoke
Into that cup ♪

1802
01:36:21,733 --> 01:36:23,499
♪ Like this beat
And how it bounces ♪

1803
01:36:23,501 --> 01:36:25,268
♪ Don't smoke trees
We smoke tree houses ♪

1804
01:36:25,270 --> 01:36:26,969
♪ Break them bushes
Shred them shrubs ♪

1805
01:36:26,971 --> 01:36:28,537
♪ Can't match the passion
Well, I match these nubs ♪

1806
01:36:28,539 --> 01:36:30,305
♪ Wreck them trees
Like Iron Giant ♪

1807
01:36:30,307 --> 01:36:32,141
♪ Taco Bell is where
My time went ♪

1808
01:36:32,143 --> 01:36:33,643
♪ Would you like
A fiesta bowl? ♪

1809
01:36:33,645 --> 01:36:35,311
♪ Christopher wants
A siesta bowl ♪

1810
01:36:35,313 --> 01:36:36,745
♪ Low rider liked it
'Cause it bounces up ♪

1811
01:36:36,747 --> 01:36:38,513
♪ Now roll that window
Like a basket bruh ♪

1812
01:36:38,515 --> 01:36:40,383
♪ Hey snickerin' clown
Put your licorice down ♪

1813
01:36:40,385 --> 01:36:42,151
♪ It's just like a joint
But it's bigger and brown ♪

1814
01:36:42,153 --> 01:36:44,187
♪ It's a blunt, but yo
We don't smoke them ♪

1815
01:36:44,189 --> 01:36:46,054
♪ We soak them
With our 40's open ♪

1816
01:36:46,056 --> 01:36:47,522
♪ Actin' loopy in our hooptie ♪

1817
01:36:47,524 --> 01:36:49,325
♪ Sippin' on our
doobie smoothie ♪

1818
01:36:49,327 --> 01:36:51,597
- ♪ Yeah ♪
- ♪ That's right, y'all ♪

1819
01:36:52,997 --> 01:36:54,298
♪ Smoothies with weed in them ♪

1820
01:36:54,300 --> 01:36:57,333
♪ Drinkin' blunts, smoking 40's
Smokin' 40's drinkin' blunts ♪

1821
01:36:57,335 --> 01:36:59,067
♪ That's what this kid
Does for fun ♪

1822
01:36:59,069 --> 01:37:00,635
♪ Pour some smoke
Into that cup ♪

1823
01:37:00,637 --> 01:37:04,139
♪ Drinkin' blunts, smokin' 40's
Smokin' 40's drinkin' blunts ♪

1824
01:37:04,141 --> 01:37:05,674
♪ That's what this kid
Does for fun ♪

1825
01:37:05,676 --> 01:37:07,410
♪ Pour some smoke
Into that cup ♪

1826
01:37:07,412 --> 01:37:10,713
♪ 40 shorty suck a titty
It ain't pretty in Cloud City ♪

1827
01:37:10,715 --> 01:37:14,217
♪ Billy D and 45, pour that shit
And watch it rise ♪

1828
01:37:14,219 --> 01:37:15,785
♪ Christopher B is sayin'
What's in this? ♪

1829
01:37:15,787 --> 01:37:17,687
♪ Christopher Lee is drinkin'
Old English ♪

1830
01:37:17,689 --> 01:37:20,690
♪ Budweiser, St. Ives, MGD
And a Billy Valentines ♪

1831
01:37:20,692 --> 01:37:22,625
♪ Turn it counterclockwise bring
The weed if you're holdin' ♪

1832
01:37:22,627 --> 01:37:24,527
♪ Ain't heard me girl
You put a shit in a cold... ♪

1833
01:37:24,529 --> 01:37:26,195
Holy shit, dude. She uses Jaws

1834
01:37:26,197 --> 01:37:28,167
as a unit of measurement,
just like us.

1835
01:37:29,567 --> 01:37:31,534
Stars are similar to Jay
and Silent Bob,

1836
01:37:31,536 --> 01:37:34,202
aren't they?

1837
01:37:34,204 --> 01:37:36,805
Um, I love watching the...
The work, you go,

1838
01:37:36,807 --> 01:37:40,143
"Oh, fuck, I stranded myself.
How do I not say 'us, '

1839
01:37:40,145 --> 01:37:42,214
anything but 'us, ' if I say 'us'
they'll kill me."

1840
01:37:45,315 --> 01:37:47,450
It's called
Jay and Silent Bob Reboot,

1841
01:37:47,452 --> 01:37:48,651
and you're a huge character...

1842
01:37:48,653 --> 01:37:50,053
- Wonderful.
- ...in the whole thing.

1843
01:37:50,055 --> 01:37:51,387
- Oh, great, I can't wait.
- So, we're...

1844
01:37:51,389 --> 01:37:52,621
I'm... I'm put... Doing it here,

1845
01:37:52,623 --> 01:37:53,522
- so, you have to...
- Right.

1846
01:37:53,524 --> 01:37:54,657
...agree to do the movie.

1847
01:37:54,659 --> 01:37:57,393
Can't we do a little of it now
and stop wasting time?

1848
01:37:57,395 --> 01:37:58,727
- Go to that place.
- All right. Here we go.

1849
01:37:58,729 --> 01:37:59,731
- Action.
- Action.

1850
01:38:00,164 --> 01:38:01,367
Hey, fella...

1851
01:38:03,635 --> 01:38:05,401
You already broke character,
Lee.

1852
01:38:05,403 --> 01:38:07,405
What the hell?
We're burning film, man.

1853
01:38:08,273 --> 01:38:09,539
Hey, fella.

1854
01:38:11,408 --> 01:38:13,543
How do I get to...

1855
01:38:13,545 --> 01:38:15,210
How do I get to Comic-Con?

1856
01:38:15,212 --> 01:38:17,080
This is why I only cast you
in one movie,

1857
01:38:17,082 --> 01:38:18,815
you can't get through a line
without laughing at me.

1858
01:38:19,952 --> 01:38:22,085
No, but we got to be serious...
This is a serious thing.

1859
01:38:22,087 --> 01:38:24,620
Here we go. And take two.
And action.

1860
01:38:24,622 --> 01:38:26,525
Hey, fella.
How do I get to Comic-Con?

1861
01:38:28,393 --> 01:38:31,593
- Well, then respond.
- Silent Bob.

1862
01:38:31,595 --> 01:38:32,829
Oh, you don't talk?

1863
01:38:33,966 --> 01:38:36,165
- That's the smart thing.
- Get the hell out of my scene

1864
01:38:36,167 --> 01:38:37,503
and get me Jay.

1865
01:38:40,671 --> 01:38:43,839
How High is our Bible, man.
Me and Silent Bob modeled

1866
01:38:43,841 --> 01:38:46,541
our whole fucking lives
after Silas and Jamal.

1867
01:38:46,543 --> 01:38:50,545
I'm a smooth pimp who loves
the pussy, and lean n mean here

1868
01:38:50,547 --> 01:38:54,116
is my botanical BFF. What?
Ooh, popcorn playa.

1869
01:38:54,118 --> 01:38:55,485
This affidavit is
from a Hollywood

1870
01:38:55,487 --> 01:38:57,256
- motion picture company.
- Hollywood, Florida?

1871
01:38:57,855 --> 01:39:00,223
Hollywood, California.

1872
01:39:00,225 --> 01:39:01,290
Oh, that one?

1873
01:39:01,292 --> 01:39:03,159
Two tickets to Hollywood.

1874
01:39:03,161 --> 01:39:06,265
- Hollywood, Florida?
- No, Hollywood, California.

1875
01:39:06,698 --> 01:39:07,696
Oh.

1876
01:39:07,698 --> 01:39:09,598
Says here you're supposed to go
to Hollywood?

1877
01:39:09,600 --> 01:39:11,299
You mean Hollywood, Florida?

1878
01:39:11,301 --> 01:39:12,837
No. Hollywood, California.

1879
01:39:14,905 --> 01:39:18,508
Jay and Silent Bob, uh, spent
so much time on themselves

1880
01:39:18,510 --> 01:39:19,875
that they should pay us rent.

1881
01:39:19,877 --> 01:39:22,577
I knew I'd get you.

1882
01:39:22,579 --> 01:39:24,546
Why are you prosecuting?
You should be a stand-up.

1883
01:39:24,548 --> 01:39:25,682
I have a show this weekend.

1884
01:39:25,684 --> 01:39:27,549
- I'll definitely come out.
- Okay, great. I'm gonna...

1885
01:39:27,551 --> 01:39:29,287
- I'll text you later.
- Can I object?

1886
01:39:29,787 --> 01:39:32,621
Ooh, my daughter, Banner,
she's fighting with Renee

1887
01:39:32,623 --> 01:39:34,589
and keeps sending
the most delicious texts.

1888
01:39:34,591 --> 01:39:37,727
Listen. "Dear Sega Boy."
Snoogans.

1889
01:39:37,729 --> 01:39:40,662
"How am I supposed to grow
as a woman when Mom is always

1890
01:39:40,664 --> 01:39:42,430
standing on my fucking dick?"

1891
01:39:42,432 --> 01:39:44,834
- Wait, your daughter has a dick?
- No.

1892
01:39:44,836 --> 01:39:47,202
But she sure can be one
to her mom and I love it.

1893
01:39:47,204 --> 01:39:50,272
You see, kids, teenagers
are like The Incredible Hulk.

1894
01:39:50,274 --> 01:39:53,843
Normal one minute,
a rage of emotions the next.

1895
01:39:53,845 --> 01:39:56,344
You'll see one day when one
of you guys has a kid.

1896
01:39:56,346 --> 01:39:57,448
Probably the quiet one.

1897
01:39:57,881 --> 01:40:00,451
Shit. No female swipes right
on Groot here.

1898
01:40:00,918 --> 01:40:03,785
And I was always so worried that
I would get a female pregnant.

1899
01:40:03,787 --> 01:40:05,854
When I did have sex,
I'd pull out,

1900
01:40:05,856 --> 01:40:07,790
run to the other side
of the room,

1901
01:40:07,792 --> 01:40:10,326
and I bust a nut
in my jacket pocket,

1902
01:40:10,328 --> 01:40:11,561
just to be safe.

1903
01:40:11,563 --> 01:40:14,597
How High is the greatest
movie ever made.

1904
01:40:14,599 --> 01:40:17,767
Me and Silent Bob modeled our
whole fucking lives after it.

1905
01:40:17,769 --> 01:40:18,968
Okay, wait a minute. Are we...

1906
01:40:18,970 --> 01:40:21,340
Are we talking about the same
How High here? The movie?

1907
01:40:22,306 --> 01:40:23,705
The one we're in?

1908
01:40:23,707 --> 01:40:25,641
Yeah, the one we was in,
goddammit.

1909
01:40:25,643 --> 01:40:27,910
See? I told your black ass

1910
01:40:27,912 --> 01:40:30,649
that How High would age
like a fine Chablis.

1911
01:40:31,248 --> 01:40:34,416
Uh-huh, I'm not a pedophile.
I'm here on the behalf

1912
01:40:34,418 --> 01:40:38,888
of a man you might know,
Mr. J-E-S-E-S, Jesus.

1913
01:40:38,890 --> 01:40:43,326
I'm a Christian vigilante,
they call me the Holy Roller.

1914
01:40:43,328 --> 01:40:45,727
Super cool.

1915
01:40:45,729 --> 01:40:47,629
This guy's a fucking idiot.

1916
01:40:47,631 --> 01:40:49,498
Who's been our ally
this entire trip.

1917
01:40:50,534 --> 01:40:52,171
Especially when he saved
our lives.

1918
01:40:53,470 --> 01:40:54,970
This conversation really
does not pass

1919
01:40:54,972 --> 01:40:56,839
the Bechdel Test right now.

1920
01:40:56,841 --> 01:40:59,808
Holy shit, dude, it's them.
They're here.

1921
01:40:59,810 --> 01:41:01,943
Jersey represent.

1922
01:41:01,945 --> 01:41:03,946
Wait, you don't recognize us?

1923
01:41:03,948 --> 01:41:07,316
You almost beat me up
when I was a kid,

1924
01:41:07,318 --> 01:41:10,622
because I said an unkind word
about Morris Day.

1925
01:41:11,622 --> 01:41:12,821
That's you guys?

1926
01:41:12,823 --> 01:41:14,557
What, do you guys work here
or something?

1927
01:41:14,559 --> 01:41:16,528
Dude, we're the Kush Boys.

1928
01:41:17,261 --> 01:41:19,562
Dude, like, you own
all this stuff.

1929
01:41:19,564 --> 01:41:21,563
Yeah, we took a page
out of your book.

1930
01:41:21,565 --> 01:41:23,031
We stopped buying weed,

1931
01:41:23,033 --> 01:41:25,034
started selling that shit
instead.

1932
01:41:25,036 --> 01:41:27,570
Hey, thanks to you guys,
we are financially thriving

1933
01:41:27,572 --> 01:41:30,639
- in the cannabis space.
- We're weed millionaires.

1934
01:41:30,641 --> 01:41:32,243
So that means we get
some free weed?

1935
01:41:32,810 --> 01:41:35,878
- Fuck, no.
- No, that will be 200 bucks.

1936
01:41:35,880 --> 01:41:37,315
Dude, I've always
wanted to do this.

1937
01:41:37,748 --> 01:41:40,383
"Two hundred bucks, little man."

1938
01:41:40,385 --> 01:41:42,454
"Put that shit in our hands."

1939
01:41:43,287 --> 01:41:44,288
Fair enough.

1940
01:41:46,457 --> 01:41:48,290
Dude, there is more lens flare

1941
01:41:48,292 --> 01:41:50,692
than a J.J. Abrams movie
in here.

1942
01:41:50,694 --> 01:41:52,563
I hate all of these fuckers.

1943
01:41:53,831 --> 01:41:54,833
Hi.

1944
01:41:55,332 --> 01:41:58,334
Um, can my friends and I
cut the line?

1945
01:41:58,336 --> 01:42:00,338
- Fuck no.
- Yeah, what she said.

1946
01:42:01,706 --> 01:42:02,708
Happy Chronic-Con.

1947
01:42:03,274 --> 01:42:05,441
How's The Walking Dead
gonna end?

1948
01:42:05,443 --> 01:42:08,611
Oh, um,
Carol actually eats Daryl?

1949
01:42:08,613 --> 01:42:12,415
Fuck. No...
Carol turns into a walker?

1950
01:42:12,417 --> 01:42:14,886
Uh, no. She just eats Daryl.

1951
01:42:15,353 --> 01:42:17,085
Oh, fuck. Uh, spoilers,

1952
01:42:17,087 --> 01:42:18,553
I'm really sorry about that one.

1953
01:42:18,555 --> 01:42:21,891
Fuck!
What the fuck was that for?

1954
01:42:21,893 --> 01:42:24,026
That's for killing
Glenn and Carl!

1955
01:42:24,028 --> 01:42:25,831
Oh, fuck. Fair enough.

1956
01:42:26,331 --> 01:42:28,664
This reboot is doomed, man.

1957
01:42:28,666 --> 01:42:29,531
Maybe it would've had a chance

1958
01:42:29,533 --> 01:42:30,732
if they got Kevin Smith
from the '90s,

1959
01:42:30,734 --> 01:42:33,304
back when he had the juice
to get Affleck in his movies.

1960
01:42:33,771 --> 01:42:36,571
Ew, wait. Didn't he make
that Jersey Girl movie?

1961
01:42:36,573 --> 01:42:37,906
Yeah, I wasn't a fan,

1962
01:42:37,908 --> 01:42:40,910
but Affleck was the bomb
as Batman, yo.

1963
01:42:40,912 --> 01:42:44,080
Word, bitch! Bat-fleck
like a motherfucker!

1964
01:42:44,082 --> 01:42:46,048
Ah ha! What's up now?

1965
01:42:49,621 --> 01:42:52,620
Oh, hello again. Still just
a hologram, same rules apply.

1966
01:42:52,622 --> 01:42:54,357
Don't fucking touch me.
Now, if you're looking

1967
01:42:54,359 --> 01:42:56,592
for the Bluntman v Chronic
shoot, go left.

1968
01:42:56,594 --> 01:42:59,361
But if you're looking for, uh,
I don't know, some version

1969
01:42:59,363 --> 01:43:02,531
of completing your character
arc and becoming the superdad

1970
01:43:02,533 --> 01:43:04,799
that your daughter never really
knew she had, go right.

1971
01:43:04,801 --> 01:43:07,937
If I was in this movie, um,
I know which way I'd go.

1972
01:43:07,939 --> 01:43:08,972
Straight out the door.

1973
01:43:08,974 --> 01:43:10,839
Let's be honest,
I wouldn't be in this movie,

1974
01:43:10,841 --> 01:43:12,474
I'd never be in
this fucking movie.

1975
01:43:12,476 --> 01:43:13,942
I got, like, 37 franchises

1976
01:43:13,944 --> 01:43:15,844
and honestly, I don't really
need another one.

1977
01:43:15,846 --> 01:43:19,617
Anyway, dishes are done, man.
Here we go, bye-bye. Peace.

1978
01:43:20,650 --> 01:43:22,019
Where do you think you're going?

1979
01:43:23,688 --> 01:43:25,388
Yo, we got badges now.

1980
01:43:25,390 --> 01:43:28,089
"We have badges." Stop
butchering the English language.

1981
01:43:28,091 --> 01:43:30,925
And I don't care.
You're getting the bum's rush.

1982
01:43:30,927 --> 01:43:33,862
Wait. Are you a chocolate fan?

1983
01:43:33,864 --> 01:43:36,531
Not that it'll change
your fortunes one iota,

1984
01:43:36,533 --> 01:43:40,702
but since I'm not a Nazi robot,
yes, I like chocolate.

1985
01:43:40,704 --> 01:43:44,643
Well, this is the best chocolate
in the whole wide world.

1986
01:43:45,109 --> 01:43:46,611
Bullshit.

1987
01:43:48,145 --> 01:43:49,380
Give me that.

1988
01:43:52,182 --> 01:43:53,618
Punch, edible's...

1989
01:43:55,685 --> 01:43:56,852
Holy fucking shit.

1990
01:43:56,854 --> 01:43:58,086
Where did these people
come from?

1991
01:43:58,088 --> 01:44:00,423
Hey, kids! What the fuck
is going on here?

1992
01:44:00,425 --> 01:44:01,723
They're the contest winners.

1993
01:44:01,725 --> 01:44:03,526
Their prize is a walk-on
in the movie.

1994
01:44:03,528 --> 01:44:05,428
- This movie?
- Yeah.

1995
01:44:05,430 --> 01:44:07,028
They should have held out
for a way better movie,

1996
01:44:07,030 --> 01:44:08,129
- am I right?
- I totally agree.

1997
01:44:08,131 --> 01:44:09,231
Man, fuck you.

1998
01:44:09,233 --> 01:44:13,067
Hey, kids! Man, I'm gonna find
a way to get you all

1999
01:44:13,069 --> 01:44:16,805
into an uncuttable cameo
in the movie, man.

2000
01:44:16,807 --> 01:44:18,840
All right. Emily, fuck off!
We're trying to take a picture.

2001
01:44:18,842 --> 01:44:21,979
All right, kids. All smiles,
big, wide eyes. Here we go.

2002
01:44:27,051 --> 01:44:28,720
Excuse me. Hey, kid!

2003
01:44:29,820 --> 01:44:31,486
You ruined
my fucking movie career,

2004
01:44:31,488 --> 01:44:32,955
- you know that?
- Um, I've seen

2005
01:44:32,957 --> 01:44:34,190
your flicks, Smitticles.

2006
01:44:34,192 --> 01:44:36,058
You killed
your own movie career.

2007
01:44:36,060 --> 01:44:38,497
Oh, my God, you little monster.
Who raised you?

2008
01:44:44,502 --> 01:44:46,004
I'm so done with Kevin Smith.

2009
01:44:49,140 --> 01:44:50,142
Fuck.

2010
01:44:51,141 --> 01:44:53,041
Oh, you see that guy over there?

2011
01:44:53,043 --> 01:44:56,010
For 25 years, we've been coming
here every night

2012
01:44:56,012 --> 01:44:57,515
and putting gum in the locks.