1 00:00:07,791 --> 00:00:09,458 [whimsical music playing] 2 00:00:11,458 --> 00:00:13,166 -[Caleb] New pens. -Check. 3 00:00:13,916 --> 00:00:16,000 -College-ruled notebooks. -Check. 4 00:00:16,083 --> 00:00:18,083 -[Caleb] Updated name tag. -[Pete] Check. 5 00:00:18,166 --> 00:00:20,708 Non-sexual lubricant for the handle. 6 00:00:20,791 --> 00:00:22,333 Non-sexual check. 7 00:00:22,833 --> 00:00:26,000 A boy and his logic rock preparing for the first day of school. 8 00:00:26,083 --> 00:00:27,750 What could be more perfect? 9 00:00:27,833 --> 00:00:30,583 Aah, no! My backpack! My backpack! 10 00:00:30,666 --> 00:00:33,875 Well, if you, uh, line it up properly, it should slide back in. 11 00:00:33,958 --> 00:00:35,375 I'm doing that, Pete! 12 00:00:35,458 --> 00:00:37,333 Oh shoot, did your backpack break? 13 00:00:37,416 --> 00:00:38,750 What does it look like, Mama? 14 00:00:38,833 --> 00:00:42,041 Well, okay, we can handle this. Maybe it's time to get a new one? 15 00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:43,541 A new backpack? 16 00:00:43,625 --> 00:00:45,625 But it's your security object! 17 00:00:45,708 --> 00:00:47,333 Has she gone insane?! 18 00:00:47,416 --> 00:00:50,083 No, no! I need this backpack! 19 00:00:50,166 --> 00:00:53,250 Yeah, o-okay, hold on, folks. Your mom has the right idea. 20 00:00:53,333 --> 00:00:56,000 We can, uh, get the exact same model and everything. 21 00:00:56,083 --> 00:00:59,375 Okay, Mama, I will get a new backpack. 22 00:00:59,458 --> 00:01:01,375 That's great. We'll go to the mall 23 00:01:01,458 --> 00:01:03,458 after your weekly coffee hang with Matthew. 24 00:01:03,541 --> 00:01:06,958 You're going to the mall? But it's so loud and bright in there! 25 00:01:07,041 --> 00:01:09,208 And there are often too many people. 26 00:01:09,291 --> 00:01:12,291 Well, what's the best way to prepare for such a situation? 27 00:01:12,375 --> 00:01:13,541 Stress diarrhea? 28 00:01:13,625 --> 00:01:15,416 No, a plan. 29 00:01:15,500 --> 00:01:18,791 That's right. Now, walk me through it, Ocean's Eleven style. 30 00:01:18,875 --> 00:01:21,000 [Caleb] We park on the south side of the mall, 31 00:01:21,083 --> 00:01:22,250 staying far away 32 00:01:22,333 --> 00:01:26,208 from Desiree's Bright Lamp, Perfume, and Speaker Emporium. 33 00:01:26,291 --> 00:01:28,458 [Pete] Avoiding sensory overload. Classic. 34 00:01:28,541 --> 00:01:30,666 [Caleb] The walk will take approximately six minutes. 35 00:01:30,750 --> 00:01:35,666 Hey-o! Just enough time for a quick detour through Veronica's Closet. 36 00:01:35,750 --> 00:01:36,958 Not now, Maury. 37 00:01:37,041 --> 00:01:39,583 We can think about that at 8:30 p.m. 38 00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:41,458 That is when I masturbate. 39 00:01:41,541 --> 00:01:43,750 [Pete] Then we enter Dick's Sporting Goods. 40 00:01:43,833 --> 00:01:46,875 [Caleb] Mama will purchase the Sportalite Roadster Extreme, 41 00:01:46,958 --> 00:01:48,208 model 118, 42 00:01:48,291 --> 00:01:52,166 and then we will celebrate at Wetzel's Pretzels. 43 00:01:52,250 --> 00:01:53,916 -Yay. -Gotta love a plan. 44 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:56,333 Okay, I feel prepared. 45 00:01:56,416 --> 00:01:58,250 Hey, if you're getting a new backpack, 46 00:01:58,333 --> 00:02:01,208 does that mean we can finally fuck the old one? 47 00:02:01,291 --> 00:02:02,958 8:30, Maury. 48 00:02:03,041 --> 00:02:05,208 That's not a no. 49 00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:07,416 ["Changes" by Charles Bradley playing] 50 00:02:07,500 --> 00:02:13,041 ♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪ 51 00:02:16,958 --> 00:02:22,708 ♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪ 52 00:02:23,208 --> 00:02:24,041 ♪ Oh ♪ 53 00:02:24,125 --> 00:02:25,416 ♪ In my life ♪ 54 00:02:26,833 --> 00:02:29,833 ♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪ 55 00:02:34,708 --> 00:02:35,708 [songs fades] 56 00:02:38,333 --> 00:02:40,208 Oh, it's gonna be so great. 57 00:02:40,291 --> 00:02:44,708 One last classic sleepover with the boys before we start high school. 58 00:02:44,791 --> 00:02:46,625 We may be going to different schools, 59 00:02:46,708 --> 00:02:48,833 but I've still got those cameras in your house, 60 00:02:48,916 --> 00:02:50,875 so I'll always know what you're doing. 61 00:02:50,958 --> 00:02:53,250 -Still don't love that. -[doorbell rings] 62 00:02:53,333 --> 00:02:57,041 [sobbing] I'm sorry, boys, but seeing you both here, 63 00:02:57,125 --> 00:03:00,666 maybe for the last time ever, I'm overcome with emotion. 64 00:03:00,750 --> 00:03:02,500 Andrew, I can't do a whole weekend of this. 65 00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:06,041 I mean, I want to be strong for you, Nick, I do, 66 00:03:06,125 --> 00:03:10,083 but I can't escape the thought of Pumbaa murdering me on Monday. 67 00:03:10,166 --> 00:03:12,625 Oh, sweet Andy, just promise me this: 68 00:03:12,708 --> 00:03:14,333 when you get to heaven, 69 00:03:14,416 --> 00:03:17,416 you drop a nice big load for G-dash-D. 70 00:03:17,500 --> 00:03:21,083 Okay, gentlemen, in light of my certain demise, 71 00:03:21,166 --> 00:03:23,625 I have some personal effects to bequeath unto you. 72 00:03:23,708 --> 00:03:28,208 Ugh. Okay, on a scale of one to cum, how gross is the stuff in that box? 73 00:03:28,291 --> 00:03:32,166 It's not gross. It's filled with my most prized possessions. 74 00:03:32,250 --> 00:03:34,833 -To Jay, I leave my digital watch… -Nice. 75 00:03:34,916 --> 00:03:37,833 …which works 100 feet underwater. 76 00:03:37,916 --> 00:03:40,416 This'll be perfect when I go porta-potty diving. 77 00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:41,541 And sweet Nick, 78 00:03:41,625 --> 00:03:44,500 I want you to have my Jacob deGrom bobblehead, 79 00:03:44,583 --> 00:03:47,000 where he is dressed as a Jedi for some reason. 80 00:03:47,083 --> 00:03:50,333 Okay, this was a free giveaway, and I went to this game with you. 81 00:03:50,416 --> 00:03:52,875 [sobs] I know, and this one might be yours. 82 00:03:52,958 --> 00:03:55,000 There's just so many memories. 83 00:03:55,083 --> 00:03:56,791 I'm not ready to say adieu. 84 00:03:56,875 --> 00:03:58,791 [sobbing] I'm gonna miss you so much. 85 00:03:58,875 --> 00:04:02,833 You've always been such an innovator in the pervert sector. 86 00:04:02,916 --> 00:04:03,833 I know, I just… 87 00:04:03,916 --> 00:04:07,125 -I think up these fucking hot scenarios. -[both sob] 88 00:04:08,083 --> 00:04:11,083 -Thanks for the ride, guys. -Of course, Jessi. 89 00:04:11,166 --> 00:04:13,708 I love that you two independent women 90 00:04:13,791 --> 00:04:16,791 are going back-to-school shopping together. 91 00:04:16,875 --> 00:04:19,708 Oh boy. It's taking all of my strength 92 00:04:19,791 --> 00:04:23,083 to keep myself from crying all over this corduroy vest. 93 00:04:23,166 --> 00:04:25,833 Ugh! Let's get away from Big Sad Boohoo Daddy 94 00:04:25,916 --> 00:04:27,375 before someone cool sees you. 95 00:04:27,458 --> 00:04:28,625 Give him a break, Mona. 96 00:04:28,708 --> 00:04:29,750 This is the first time 97 00:04:29,833 --> 00:04:32,375 I've gone back-to-school shopping without my parents. 98 00:04:32,458 --> 00:04:36,125 It's true. Time is flying by, and you'll never be a child again! 99 00:04:36,208 --> 00:04:39,791 Yeah. Think about it, Mona. I'm about to start freaking high school. 100 00:04:39,875 --> 00:04:42,333 And high school is no joke, like password sharing. 101 00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:45,500 -It's really not a victimless crime. -Uh, Missy, you coming? 102 00:04:45,583 --> 00:04:51,208 Yes, uh, I suppose I am stepping through the gauntlet into adulthood. 103 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:54,125 Mm, it's actually just a sad mall with an empty Sears. 104 00:04:54,208 --> 00:04:59,000 And an indoor play space where kids give each other Monkeypox. 105 00:04:59,083 --> 00:05:03,625 And then, my mom and I will celebrate with Wetzel's Pretzels. 106 00:05:03,708 --> 00:05:06,458 -That sounds like a solid plan, Caleb. -Thank you. 107 00:05:06,541 --> 00:05:08,625 According to Best Friendships for Dummies, 108 00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:11,208 you should ask Matthew about his life now. 109 00:05:11,291 --> 00:05:14,375 Have you done your back-to-school shopping yet? 110 00:05:14,458 --> 00:05:15,583 Ugh, no. 111 00:05:15,666 --> 00:05:17,125 I need to give B-High Quee-Choi 112 00:05:17,208 --> 00:05:19,458 a glorious and very "Quee" second impression, 113 00:05:19,541 --> 00:05:22,125 but I haven't figured out how to zhuzh things up. 114 00:05:22,208 --> 00:05:25,541 You are anxious because they look capital-F fabulous, 115 00:05:25,625 --> 00:05:29,166 and you look like that middle-aged coffee shop manager. 116 00:05:29,250 --> 00:05:31,708 Ugh, I really do need a new look. 117 00:05:31,791 --> 00:05:35,458 Ooh-hoo, can I interest you in this vintage '70s cowboy number? 118 00:05:35,541 --> 00:05:37,541 Somebody died in it. 119 00:05:37,625 --> 00:05:40,625 That outfit is both ugly and impractical. 120 00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:44,250 Oh, I thought you only wanted to deal with me at 8:30. 121 00:05:44,333 --> 00:05:45,791 You know, Caleb, 122 00:05:45,875 --> 00:05:50,416 your brutal honesty is exactly what I need to put together my new high school look. 123 00:05:50,500 --> 00:05:52,125 Would you come shopping with me after this? 124 00:05:52,208 --> 00:05:56,250 Mama, can I go back-to-school shopping with Matthew after this? 125 00:05:56,333 --> 00:05:58,083 Okay, Mister Independent. 126 00:05:58,166 --> 00:06:00,791 Maybe you could even buy your backpack while you're there? 127 00:06:00,875 --> 00:06:03,250 -Uh… -Warning! That's not the plan! 128 00:06:03,333 --> 00:06:04,666 That's not the plan. 129 00:06:04,750 --> 00:06:08,208 Well, what if we made a minor deviation, like we've been working on? 130 00:06:08,291 --> 00:06:11,500 Minor deviations lead to major deviations, 131 00:06:11,583 --> 00:06:13,750 which lead to disaster! 132 00:06:13,833 --> 00:06:16,166 But it says here that unplanned hangouts 133 00:06:16,250 --> 00:06:18,500 are the number three cause of best friendships. 134 00:06:18,583 --> 00:06:20,958 I accept this minor deviation. 135 00:06:21,041 --> 00:06:23,375 Matthew, I will help you look more gay. 136 00:06:23,458 --> 00:06:25,416 Mm, I didn't quite mean that. 137 00:06:25,500 --> 00:06:29,083 -Oh please, it's exactly what you meant. -You know what, Maury? Shut up. 138 00:06:29,666 --> 00:06:31,000 [Missy] I like this jumpsuit, 139 00:06:31,083 --> 00:06:34,833 but would I have to get fully nude to use the facilities? 140 00:06:34,916 --> 00:06:36,500 But that's the whole appeal. 141 00:06:36,583 --> 00:06:39,750 You haven't lived until you've shat naked in a public loo. 142 00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:42,458 Yeah! You'd feel that splash on your back. 143 00:06:42,541 --> 00:06:44,666 That's how you know you got that good plop. 144 00:06:45,458 --> 00:06:47,708 Oh shit. It's fucking Lulu. 145 00:06:47,791 --> 00:06:49,750 Quick! Hide like a coward! 146 00:06:49,833 --> 00:06:51,250 [yelps] What the heck, man? 147 00:06:51,333 --> 00:06:52,791 Dude, Lulu's here. 148 00:06:52,875 --> 00:06:55,416 That troubled teen who squirted you with chocolate sauce? 149 00:06:55,500 --> 00:06:56,666 Yeah, she fucking sucks. 150 00:06:56,750 --> 00:07:00,708 B-t-dubs, high school's filled with Lulus. Big scary kids in a big scary school. 151 00:07:00,791 --> 00:07:02,291 Leave her alone, Tito. 152 00:07:02,375 --> 00:07:06,083 High school's gonna be a sexy adventure. We're gonna do nude number twos. 153 00:07:06,166 --> 00:07:08,916 I wonder what she's doing in there. Probably shoplifting. 154 00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,708 Or doing heroin off a dick. I don't know. 155 00:07:11,791 --> 00:07:13,791 High school kids are all so intimidating. 156 00:07:13,875 --> 00:07:16,541 Or creeps just trying to score some snatch! 157 00:07:16,625 --> 00:07:19,875 -And to be clear, that's bad? -Yes! I'm not ready for this. 158 00:07:19,958 --> 00:07:22,000 Jessi, what the fudge are we even doing here? 159 00:07:22,083 --> 00:07:23,583 We're buying outfits for hell! 160 00:07:23,666 --> 00:07:24,916 -I guess. -You guess? 161 00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:26,791 I mean, yeah, the world sucks. 162 00:07:26,875 --> 00:07:29,791 There's no God, and the universe is a cruel and unforgiving place. 163 00:07:29,875 --> 00:07:31,708 -It's nothing to freak out about. -Wrong! 164 00:07:31,791 --> 00:07:32,625 Very wrong! 165 00:07:32,708 --> 00:07:35,125 Yeah, I'm not freaking out at all. 166 00:07:35,208 --> 00:07:37,750 I'm just gonna lock myself in this dressing room 167 00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:40,583 and not grind my teeth into dust. 168 00:07:40,666 --> 00:07:41,625 [cries] 169 00:07:41,708 --> 00:07:44,291 You know what else turns your teeth into dust? Meth. 170 00:07:44,375 --> 00:07:47,291 Which I bet Lulu is also doing in that dressing room. 171 00:07:47,375 --> 00:07:49,083 She got a problem, Jessi. 172 00:07:49,166 --> 00:07:53,791 J. Crew, The Gap, American Eagle. These are all so basic. 173 00:07:53,875 --> 00:07:57,375 The mall is where you go when you want to look like everyone else. 174 00:07:57,458 --> 00:07:59,791 -Ugh, what was I thinking? -We have arrived! 175 00:07:59,875 --> 00:08:02,625 Oh, Dick's. That reminds me of-- 176 00:08:02,708 --> 00:08:04,083 No, Maury, too easy. 177 00:08:04,166 --> 00:08:06,333 No, I was gonna say it reminds me of my dad. 178 00:08:06,416 --> 00:08:09,500 He used to bring me here before he passed away very suddenly. 179 00:08:09,583 --> 00:08:11,250 I never got a chance to say goodbye. 180 00:08:11,333 --> 00:08:13,208 Oh my God, Maury. I'm so sorry. 181 00:08:13,291 --> 00:08:14,375 I'm just kidding. 182 00:08:14,458 --> 00:08:16,875 I was gonna say it reminds me of cock and balls. 183 00:08:16,958 --> 00:08:18,458 -Woo! -[grunts] 184 00:08:18,541 --> 00:08:19,458 Ha! Swish! 185 00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:20,916 [groaning] 186 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:24,333 I can't believe I'm gonna die before I learn how to dunk. 187 00:08:24,416 --> 00:08:26,500 You were very close. It's tragic. 188 00:08:26,583 --> 00:08:29,541 Andrew, can we get real about this? You're not gonna die. 189 00:08:29,625 --> 00:08:32,000 Yeah, you're just gonna get the shit kicked out of you 190 00:08:32,083 --> 00:08:33,708 every day for a whole year. 191 00:08:33,791 --> 00:08:37,666 No, no, you gotta help me. My bones are too Jewish for that. 192 00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:40,250 All you gotta do is learn how to take an ass-kicking, 193 00:08:40,333 --> 00:08:43,166 -and thanks to my brothers, I'm an expert. -I don't know. 194 00:08:43,250 --> 00:08:47,458 The trick is to mentally remove yourself from your body. 195 00:08:47,541 --> 00:08:49,458 -It's called a "trauma schism." -What? 196 00:08:49,541 --> 00:08:53,625 See, I have this secret cave in my mind where I go during a beatdown. 197 00:08:53,708 --> 00:08:55,166 Wow, that's really sad. 198 00:08:55,250 --> 00:08:57,666 No, it's not! It's normal, and it rules! 199 00:08:57,750 --> 00:08:59,666 My mind cave has central AC, 200 00:08:59,750 --> 00:09:01,916 and I get to play UNO with my friend, Squishy. 201 00:09:02,750 --> 00:09:05,333 Haha! Oh shit. Draw four, Squishy. 202 00:09:05,416 --> 00:09:06,500 [groans] 203 00:09:06,583 --> 00:09:10,916 Okay, I'm with Squishy now, Andrew. Hit me. 204 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:14,458 -Oh, I really don't wanna do that. -Fuck it, I'll do it. [grunts] 205 00:09:14,541 --> 00:09:17,708 [laughing] Oh, yeah! See? I felt nothing. 206 00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,708 -Whoa. -Holy shit. It actually works? 207 00:09:19,791 --> 00:09:21,666 [laughs] I'm telling you, all you've gotta do 208 00:09:21,750 --> 00:09:24,708 is just create your own personal happy place 209 00:09:24,791 --> 00:09:25,708 right up here. 210 00:09:25,791 --> 00:09:29,541 And it already exists, Andrew. That place we've always dreamed of. 211 00:09:29,625 --> 00:09:35,000 A washing machine filled with underthings at a SUNY Binghamton sorority house. 212 00:09:35,083 --> 00:09:37,625 Oh… [laughs] 213 00:09:37,708 --> 00:09:40,041 Ladies, whose bra is this? 214 00:09:40,125 --> 00:09:43,000 It's hand-wash only. Tsk, tsk. 215 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,541 -Ah… -Yeah, looks like he's in his perv cave. 216 00:09:45,625 --> 00:09:48,250 [laughs] Okay. Here we go. 217 00:09:48,333 --> 00:09:49,416 -[grunts] -[groaning] 218 00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:51,083 -Oh shit. -Oh, it didn't work! 219 00:09:51,166 --> 00:09:53,291 -Oof. -It didn't work. It didn't work. 220 00:09:53,375 --> 00:09:56,791 You know, besides the fact that Matthew is here instead of your mom, 221 00:09:56,875 --> 00:09:58,916 everything is going exactly as planned. 222 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,625 Goddamn, it feels good to be me right now. 223 00:10:01,708 --> 00:10:03,375 -Oh look, there's your backpack! -Oh. 224 00:10:03,458 --> 00:10:04,500 Yellow, right? 225 00:10:04,583 --> 00:10:06,500 Wait, this isn't my backpack. 226 00:10:06,583 --> 00:10:08,208 Are you sure? It looks the same. 227 00:10:08,291 --> 00:10:11,666 Yes, I'm sure. There's too much polyester in the blend. 228 00:10:11,750 --> 00:10:13,750 This texture is unpleasant. 229 00:10:13,833 --> 00:10:16,416 -So coarse! -[Caleb] The zipper has the wrong sound! 230 00:10:16,500 --> 00:10:17,333 It's hideous! 231 00:10:17,416 --> 00:10:19,875 They got rid of the individual writing implement pockets. 232 00:10:19,958 --> 00:10:21,291 -No, no. -What were they thinking? 233 00:10:21,375 --> 00:10:22,250 This bag is chaos. 234 00:10:22,333 --> 00:10:23,791 Where is my backpack?! 235 00:10:23,875 --> 00:10:25,250 Okay, don't worry. 236 00:10:25,333 --> 00:10:27,166 Uh, excuse me? Hi. 237 00:10:27,250 --> 00:10:29,583 Could you check the back for older models of this bag? 238 00:10:29,666 --> 00:10:33,916 It has to be Sportalite Roadster Extreme, item model number 118. 239 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,333 Yeah, what you see on the floor is what we got. 240 00:10:36,416 --> 00:10:37,625 -[whimpers] -Oh God, Caleb. 241 00:10:37,708 --> 00:10:39,791 You're gonna go to high school with no security object. 242 00:10:39,875 --> 00:10:41,583 -You'll never survive. -This is officially… 243 00:10:41,666 --> 00:10:43,250 [all] …a major deviation! 244 00:10:43,333 --> 00:10:44,500 -Not sure if this helps… -Yeah? 245 00:10:44,583 --> 00:10:48,916 …but there is a sturdy Division One volleyball player doing knee slides. 246 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,416 -I am in crisis. -She's taller than your dad. 247 00:10:51,500 --> 00:10:53,125 Okay, let's regroup. 248 00:10:53,208 --> 00:10:55,916 Um, we can get our Wetzel's Pretzels now, 249 00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,541 and figure out a different way to get your backpack, 250 00:10:58,625 --> 00:10:59,958 like the Internet or something. 251 00:11:00,041 --> 00:11:02,625 Uh, yeah, yeah, the Internet. They have everything. 252 00:11:02,708 --> 00:11:05,208 -Hate speech! -Drawings of naked Shrek! 253 00:11:05,291 --> 00:11:06,958 -[Titos] Ah! -Okay. 254 00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:10,750 We will eat unearned pretzels while avoiding hate speech. 255 00:11:10,833 --> 00:11:12,208 Well, that sounds fun. 256 00:11:12,291 --> 00:11:15,250 Okay, Lulu's been in there for, like, a very long time. 257 00:11:15,333 --> 00:11:17,791 Mm, she probably passed out from the meth. 258 00:11:17,875 --> 00:11:19,125 Oh shit, here she comes. 259 00:11:19,208 --> 00:11:22,333 Is she wearing an apron and a pussy hat? 260 00:11:22,416 --> 00:11:25,416 [gasps] That's not a pussy. That's a pile of beef. 261 00:11:25,500 --> 00:11:28,708 [laughs] Lulu must work at the Hot Stone Beefery. 262 00:11:28,791 --> 00:11:31,166 [laughing] 263 00:11:31,250 --> 00:11:33,958 That's the shittiest job in the whole mall! 264 00:11:34,041 --> 00:11:37,625 Even worse than the lady who gives birth to the Dippin' Dots. 265 00:11:37,708 --> 00:11:40,000 Missy, get dressed. We've gotta go to the food court. 266 00:11:40,083 --> 00:11:44,041 [Missy] You should probably go without me 'cause I'm doing s-so fine in here. 267 00:11:44,125 --> 00:11:47,583 Okay, I'm going to the Hot Stone Beefery, not for lunch, for revenge. 268 00:11:47,666 --> 00:11:49,958 So wait, Jessi's just gonna leave me here? 269 00:11:50,041 --> 00:11:52,416 -She's abandoning you! -Just like Elijah. 270 00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:54,333 He was supposed to be my life raft. 271 00:11:54,416 --> 00:11:57,500 And now you're gonna drown in a sea of loneliness! 272 00:11:57,583 --> 00:12:00,666 Get the-- Get-- Get the fuck out of here, Titos. 273 00:12:00,750 --> 00:12:04,000 No. She's the only one telling me the truth about high school. 274 00:12:04,083 --> 00:12:05,583 That's right! 275 00:12:05,666 --> 00:12:08,500 -You'll be lonely. -Uh, h-hello, I'm Missy. 276 00:12:08,583 --> 00:12:10,083 Would it be cool if I sat here? 277 00:12:10,166 --> 00:12:11,166 [all roaring] No! 278 00:12:11,250 --> 00:12:12,083 [grunts] 279 00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:13,666 [screams] 280 00:12:13,750 --> 00:12:16,041 -[grunts] -[Tito] You'll be terrified. 281 00:12:16,125 --> 00:12:17,666 Please! Please watch your step! 282 00:12:17,750 --> 00:12:20,083 There are freshmen down here! [screams] 283 00:12:20,166 --> 00:12:22,750 [Tito] And you'll be sexually targeted! 284 00:12:22,833 --> 00:12:25,166 I love flat girls. 285 00:12:25,250 --> 00:12:27,125 [Missy screams] 286 00:12:27,208 --> 00:12:29,125 What if the cafeteria only takes Bitcoin? 287 00:12:29,208 --> 00:12:31,583 What if your English teacher asks you to read his novel? 288 00:12:31,666 --> 00:12:34,500 What if you have to poop during an active shooter drill? 289 00:12:34,583 --> 00:12:36,916 I don't wanna poop while hiding under a desk. 290 00:12:37,000 --> 00:12:39,625 Missy, none of this is actually going to happen. 291 00:12:39,708 --> 00:12:40,833 You're just spiraling! 292 00:12:40,916 --> 00:12:41,750 The SATs! 293 00:12:41,833 --> 00:12:42,875 Parallel parking! 294 00:12:42,958 --> 00:12:44,291 College applications! 295 00:12:44,375 --> 00:12:45,750 The end of your youth! 296 00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:48,083 [sinister voice] It's all coming. 297 00:12:48,166 --> 00:12:50,666 -Oh shit, Missy! It's happening. -What's happening? 298 00:12:50,750 --> 00:12:52,375 Your anxiety is turning into-- 299 00:12:52,458 --> 00:12:54,000 Dread. 300 00:12:54,083 --> 00:12:55,833 -Leave her alone, Dread! -[laughing] 301 00:12:55,916 --> 00:12:58,041 She sucks, but I like her! 302 00:12:58,125 --> 00:13:00,166 You know I can't do that, Mona. 303 00:13:00,250 --> 00:13:02,500 No! I won't let you take her! 304 00:13:02,583 --> 00:13:04,750 -[screaming] Oh shit! -Mona! 305 00:13:04,833 --> 00:13:06,333 [Mona screams] 306 00:13:06,416 --> 00:13:10,166 -It's just you and me now, Missy. -[whimpering] 307 00:13:10,250 --> 00:13:12,333 You and me. 308 00:13:12,416 --> 00:13:14,041 [laughing] 309 00:13:15,250 --> 00:13:18,375 I cannot find my backpack on backpacks.com. 310 00:13:18,458 --> 00:13:20,625 And it's not on backpacks.net either. 311 00:13:20,708 --> 00:13:22,500 Or backpacks.gov. 312 00:13:22,583 --> 00:13:25,416 The strategic backpack reserve is depleted. 313 00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,333 [Maury] Look at Ocean's cool jacket. 314 00:13:27,416 --> 00:13:30,750 This is what you should do instead of you, you know, your bullshit. 315 00:13:30,833 --> 00:13:32,458 Ugh, they look so good. 316 00:13:32,541 --> 00:13:35,375 See, Caleb? This is the kind of outfit I need. 317 00:13:35,458 --> 00:13:38,833 -It's bold, it's fierce, it's cunt, it's-- -My backpack! 318 00:13:38,916 --> 00:13:40,916 That does look like your backpack, uh, 319 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,541 but I'm sorry, their outfit is "cunt"? 320 00:13:43,625 --> 00:13:46,708 Matthew, when and where was that photo taken? 321 00:13:46,791 --> 00:13:48,125 Uh, a few days ago 322 00:13:48,208 --> 00:13:51,833 at a thrift store called Nothing Past 1998. 323 00:13:51,916 --> 00:13:54,750 It's only three blocks away. Let's go there now. 324 00:13:54,833 --> 00:13:56,791 Really? You're okay leaving the mall? 325 00:13:56,875 --> 00:13:58,125 For my backpack, 326 00:13:58,208 --> 00:14:01,875 I would ride a crowded public bus for one and a half hours 327 00:14:01,958 --> 00:14:03,166 with no headphones. 328 00:14:03,250 --> 00:14:07,583 Wow, Caleb's so determined, it's giving me big "yaaas cunt." 329 00:14:07,666 --> 00:14:10,375 Is that-- Did I do it? That is, did I do cunt right? 330 00:14:10,458 --> 00:14:12,583 -Sure did, babe. -Yes! Cunt. 331 00:14:12,666 --> 00:14:15,375 -Welcome to Hot Stone Beefery. I'm Lulu. -[boys laughing] 332 00:14:15,458 --> 00:14:17,041 How can I… beef you today? 333 00:14:17,125 --> 00:14:18,375 [Connie laughs] 334 00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:20,375 Look at Lulu work that meat. 335 00:14:20,458 --> 00:14:21,625 [boy laughs] 336 00:14:21,708 --> 00:14:24,125 Ooh, yes. She just got a tip. 337 00:14:24,208 --> 00:14:26,000 That means she gotta do the song! 338 00:14:26,083 --> 00:14:27,166 Sing, canary. 339 00:14:27,250 --> 00:14:28,625 -Ooh! -Oh yeah! 340 00:14:28,708 --> 00:14:31,833 ♪ Before you fill your mouth With your hot beef treat ♪ 341 00:14:31,916 --> 00:14:34,375 ♪ Thank you for letting me Handle your meat ♪ 342 00:14:34,458 --> 00:14:36,416 I think she wants to sing it again. 343 00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:38,916 -[boy] Let's go, Beef Queen. -This is actually not fun. 344 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:42,291 Because she's a human with feelings? 345 00:14:42,375 --> 00:14:44,083 Hey, what's your fucking problem? 346 00:14:44,166 --> 00:14:47,833 [laughs] Oh, shit, you pissed off the beef wench's daughter. 347 00:14:47,916 --> 00:14:51,333 -She's just trying to do her job. -Whatever. Jobs are lame. 348 00:14:51,416 --> 00:14:53,041 [boys laughing] 349 00:14:53,125 --> 00:14:54,000 Hey, Lulu. 350 00:14:54,083 --> 00:14:55,333 Oh, fuck me. 351 00:14:55,416 --> 00:14:58,625 You're that "funny girl" I drenched in chocolate sauce. 352 00:14:58,708 --> 00:15:01,500 -You're still alive? -Yeah, I'm alive. 353 00:15:01,583 --> 00:15:04,166 And you're welcome, by the way, for what I just did. 354 00:15:04,250 --> 00:15:06,958 I don't need some loser bitch feeling bad for me. 355 00:15:07,041 --> 00:15:08,208 Feel bad for yourself, 356 00:15:08,291 --> 00:15:10,583 -with your big greasy bangs. -[Jessi scoffs] 357 00:15:10,666 --> 00:15:12,500 Uh, what did I do wrong here? 358 00:15:12,583 --> 00:15:14,416 -Maybe it's your conditioner? -[clattering] 359 00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:15,375 Oh! 360 00:15:15,458 --> 00:15:17,583 Jessi! Uh, shopping's over, shopping's done. 361 00:15:17,666 --> 00:15:20,208 -I need to go home. -Wait, really? Is everything okay? 362 00:15:20,291 --> 00:15:24,500 Missy, I'm coming for you. 363 00:15:24,583 --> 00:15:28,041 I'm fine. I-I just, uh… I saw-- I saw blood in my stool. 364 00:15:28,125 --> 00:15:29,541 Oh fuck. That sounds bad. 365 00:15:29,625 --> 00:15:33,666 Run, Missy. Run for your life! 366 00:15:33,750 --> 00:15:35,000 I gotta go! 367 00:15:35,083 --> 00:15:36,333 [panting] 368 00:15:36,416 --> 00:15:37,625 [groaning] 369 00:15:37,708 --> 00:15:39,458 Oh God, they're so cold. 370 00:15:39,958 --> 00:15:41,000 Good load today. 371 00:15:41,083 --> 00:15:43,041 Oh man, I don't know about this, Nick. 372 00:15:43,125 --> 00:15:46,125 Come on, you tried Jay's stupid mind cave thing. 373 00:15:46,208 --> 00:15:50,000 It's not stupid, it's Bilzerian culture! My people come from caves. 374 00:15:50,083 --> 00:15:52,166 Can't you idiots fucking read? 375 00:15:52,250 --> 00:15:53,708 Yes, sir. Sorry, sir. 376 00:15:53,791 --> 00:15:56,750 We know you would prefer us to fuck off and/or die, 377 00:15:56,833 --> 00:15:59,458 but I have a business proposition for you. 378 00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:00,666 I'm listening. 379 00:16:00,750 --> 00:16:03,708 I would love for you to beat up my bully, Pumbaa, 380 00:16:03,791 --> 00:16:05,208 and in exchange, 381 00:16:05,291 --> 00:16:10,916 I can offer you a jar of change worth approximately 15 American dollars. 382 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,500 -No. -Ah! Okay, sir. 383 00:16:12,583 --> 00:16:17,083 Have a marvelous day, or a terrible one, if your sir-ness would prefer. 384 00:16:17,166 --> 00:16:18,541 Your plan sucks. 385 00:16:18,625 --> 00:16:20,666 Pumbaa will just kick your ass when I'm not there. 386 00:16:20,750 --> 00:16:24,833 [screams] What am I supposed to do, Judd? I'm supposed to stand up to this animal? 387 00:16:24,916 --> 00:16:27,166 I'm supposed to get mauled by this pit bull? 388 00:16:27,250 --> 00:16:30,541 Well, when a pit bull clamps its jaws down on you, 389 00:16:30,625 --> 00:16:31,541 what do you do? 390 00:16:31,625 --> 00:16:32,750 Um, die? 391 00:16:32,833 --> 00:16:35,750 Wrong. You stick your finger up its ass. 392 00:16:35,833 --> 00:16:39,583 So, wait, I should stick my finger up Pumbaa's asshole? 393 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:42,333 -That's a metaphor, right? -Oh no, it's real. 394 00:16:42,416 --> 00:16:44,458 We do it whenever Luda catches a neighbor's kid. 395 00:16:44,541 --> 00:16:47,125 -Wait, what? -The trick is to not fall in love. 396 00:16:47,208 --> 00:16:50,916 Okay, I'm just gonna go on record here, Andy. I'm team finger. 397 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,333 No one thought you weren't. 398 00:16:52,416 --> 00:16:54,416 [panting] All right, okay. 399 00:16:54,500 --> 00:16:56,041 Thank God I'm home. 400 00:16:56,125 --> 00:16:57,750 -[ominous music playing] -[screams] 401 00:16:57,833 --> 00:17:00,458 No, leave me alone! What do you want from me? 402 00:17:00,541 --> 00:17:04,083 -You must accept that you are doomed! -I-I am? 403 00:17:04,166 --> 00:17:06,458 You are too sweet for this world, 404 00:17:06,541 --> 00:17:08,583 too fragile for high school. 405 00:17:08,666 --> 00:17:11,166 No, I… I love school. 406 00:17:11,250 --> 00:17:13,875 -You'll never survive there. -It's a privilege to learn. 407 00:17:13,958 --> 00:17:18,000 And I'm lucky to be in a well-funded school district. 408 00:17:18,083 --> 00:17:22,375 [laughs] Hang on, did I just hear someone being grateful up in here? 409 00:17:22,458 --> 00:17:25,166 -Gratitoad? -Oh shit. This toad. 410 00:17:25,250 --> 00:17:27,791 Oh my gosh! I am so glad to see you! 411 00:17:27,875 --> 00:17:30,541 Aw, shucks. Well, that fills my bucket. 412 00:17:30,625 --> 00:17:35,750 Do you honestly believe that a Gratitoad can defeat Dread? 413 00:17:35,833 --> 00:17:38,750 I don't know. Does my meemaw make the best darn rhubarb pie 414 00:17:38,833 --> 00:17:39,833 you've ever tasted? 415 00:17:39,916 --> 00:17:43,500 I… What? I don't think I ever met your meemaw. 416 00:17:43,583 --> 00:17:47,541 Well then, sir, you're missing out, because she is a delight. 417 00:17:47,625 --> 00:17:49,958 [snarls] This fucking frog. 418 00:17:50,583 --> 00:17:51,833 Oh. 419 00:17:51,916 --> 00:17:53,916 Yes! My backpack! 420 00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:56,041 No! No! 421 00:17:56,125 --> 00:17:59,416 That's not a backpack at all, that's just an ugly yellow jacket! 422 00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:01,416 Ugh. I'm sorry, Caleb. 423 00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:04,750 I totally understand if you're not down to help me anymore. 424 00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:07,416 -Uh… -You are very not down! 425 00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:08,708 Well, h-hold on. 426 00:18:08,791 --> 00:18:11,458 Uh, according to Best Friendships for Dummies, 427 00:18:11,541 --> 00:18:13,458 uh, best friends are always down. 428 00:18:13,541 --> 00:18:16,458 I have decided to be down. 429 00:18:16,541 --> 00:18:21,500 Okay, great, because I've already picked out six potential outfits. 430 00:18:21,583 --> 00:18:23,750 So this one is cottagecore meets gutterslut. 431 00:18:23,833 --> 00:18:26,083 -[shallow breathing] -You're feeling overwhelmed, 432 00:18:26,166 --> 00:18:28,458 so let's try your calming exercises. 433 00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:31,000 -Three things you can hear. -Her period is ice cream. 434 00:18:31,083 --> 00:18:32,791 I don't get what's so confusing about that. 435 00:18:32,875 --> 00:18:37,208 How can you hear anything over those unbelievably loud girls?! 436 00:18:37,291 --> 00:18:38,375 Too loud! 437 00:18:38,458 --> 00:18:40,541 No, the dots are her babies. 438 00:18:40,625 --> 00:18:41,500 It hurts! 439 00:18:41,583 --> 00:18:43,416 -What? No. -Three things you can see. 440 00:18:43,500 --> 00:18:45,166 But it's way too bright. 441 00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,958 It's like being stabbed in the eyes with needles! 442 00:18:49,041 --> 00:18:51,333 Caleb, three things you can touch! 443 00:18:51,416 --> 00:18:55,166 Shut up! We're throwing logic out the window! 444 00:18:55,250 --> 00:18:58,666 Well, how do I look? Does this scream orgy in a barn? 445 00:18:58,750 --> 00:19:01,083 Say something. Anything! 446 00:19:01,166 --> 00:19:05,083 Caleb, the book says best friends are honest with each other. 447 00:19:05,166 --> 00:19:06,791 -You look bad! -Ouch. 448 00:19:06,875 --> 00:19:10,000 Oh shit, uh, unless it's gonna hurt their feelings. 449 00:19:10,083 --> 00:19:11,958 [screams] What have you done? 450 00:19:12,041 --> 00:19:14,333 Matthew hates you now. This is a disaster! 451 00:19:14,416 --> 00:19:15,750 Caleb, are… are you-- 452 00:19:15,833 --> 00:19:18,250 No, I am not okay! 453 00:19:18,333 --> 00:19:20,291 [cries] 454 00:19:20,375 --> 00:19:21,291 [Connie] Mmm. 455 00:19:21,375 --> 00:19:23,291 I'm sorry, how can you eat those Dippin' Dots 456 00:19:23,375 --> 00:19:24,625 after seeing how they're made? 457 00:19:24,708 --> 00:19:26,791 -It's a good load today. -Oh, fuck me. 458 00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:28,416 Quick, Jessi, wash your hair! 459 00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:31,916 Oh look, it's my hero. Are you here to ruin my break too? 460 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:34,833 I'm really sorry I pissed you off, okay? 461 00:19:34,916 --> 00:19:37,000 -I was just trying to be nice. -[scoffs] Why? 462 00:19:37,083 --> 00:19:40,416 Uh, I don't know, because those guys were fucking assholes? 463 00:19:40,500 --> 00:19:42,375 Yeah, there's a lot of assholes out there, 464 00:19:42,458 --> 00:19:44,333 and there's nothing you can do to change them. 465 00:19:44,416 --> 00:19:45,458 I know. [sighs] 466 00:19:45,541 --> 00:19:49,583 Because there's no God, and the universe is a cruel and unforgiving place. 467 00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:50,916 I completely agree. 468 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,541 -You do? -With Jessi? 469 00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:54,291 Yeah, that's why I get high. 470 00:19:54,375 --> 00:19:56,250 And does that, like, help or… 471 00:19:56,333 --> 00:19:57,416 For a little bit. 472 00:19:57,500 --> 00:19:58,583 Oh my God. 473 00:19:58,666 --> 00:20:01,208 Connie, should I fucking get high with a fucking bad girl? 474 00:20:01,291 --> 00:20:04,333 Yeah, might as well. There's nothing else that's really worked for you. 475 00:20:04,416 --> 00:20:05,416 [Jessi] Okay. 476 00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:06,416 [inhales] 477 00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:07,375 Very smooth. 478 00:20:07,458 --> 00:20:08,625 [coughs] 479 00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:11,125 I love the feel of drugs in my lungs. 480 00:20:11,208 --> 00:20:13,208 -[coughs] -All right then, funny girl. 481 00:20:13,291 --> 00:20:14,750 Wanna see my stepdad's dead body? 482 00:20:14,833 --> 00:20:16,208 Oh God. [coughs] No. 483 00:20:16,291 --> 00:20:18,750 [laughs] Th-That's a no for me. Thank you, though. 484 00:20:18,833 --> 00:20:20,916 -[laughs] I'm just fucking with you. -Oh. 485 00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:22,458 [laughs] Funny. 486 00:20:22,541 --> 00:20:25,416 Dustin's the best. He treats my bitch mom like a queen. 487 00:20:25,500 --> 00:20:26,333 [both laugh] 488 00:20:26,416 --> 00:20:29,625 Holy shit. Did we just become friends with Lulu? 489 00:20:29,708 --> 00:20:31,000 I think so. 490 00:20:31,083 --> 00:20:33,875 You know what that means… free beef! 491 00:20:33,958 --> 00:20:36,708 -[shallow breathing] -All right. Now three things you can see. 492 00:20:36,791 --> 00:20:39,916 Mailbox, car, stop sign. 493 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:42,375 Great. Now three things you can-- 494 00:20:42,458 --> 00:20:43,291 Fuck? 495 00:20:43,375 --> 00:20:44,791 Maury, 8:30! 496 00:20:44,875 --> 00:20:47,250 What? Fucking is very relaxing. 497 00:20:47,333 --> 00:20:50,208 You never see someone having a panic attack in a porno. 498 00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:52,083 [Caleb panting] 499 00:20:52,166 --> 00:20:54,625 Caleb, uh, should I… 500 00:20:54,708 --> 00:20:57,166 -Yes, please. This is helpful. -Hm. 501 00:20:57,250 --> 00:20:59,916 You're pretty fucked up about this backpack, huh? 502 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:01,458 They don't make it anymore! 503 00:21:01,541 --> 00:21:03,666 I know, and that sucks. 504 00:21:03,750 --> 00:21:07,416 But do you trust me enough to help you make a whole new plan? 505 00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:08,833 Unit One, Chapter One. 506 00:21:08,916 --> 00:21:11,625 Trust is the foundation of a best friendship. 507 00:21:11,708 --> 00:21:15,916 I do trust you, but I-I do not want to go back inside. 508 00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:17,500 It's too bright and loud. 509 00:21:17,583 --> 00:21:20,291 All right. Maybe I could work on that. 510 00:21:20,375 --> 00:21:23,875 Okay, so I found panic attack porn, and I like it, 511 00:21:23,958 --> 00:21:26,541 but maybe just because it's, like, new? 512 00:21:26,625 --> 00:21:27,541 [Andrew groans] 513 00:21:27,625 --> 00:21:31,166 Guys, I-I-I don't know about this whole finger in the ass thing. 514 00:21:31,250 --> 00:21:33,375 I mean, how would I even get through the pants? 515 00:21:33,458 --> 00:21:37,000 Uh, you just slip your finger down the back and fishhook it. Duh. 516 00:21:37,083 --> 00:21:38,291 Yeah. Duh. 517 00:21:38,375 --> 00:21:40,458 Hey-hey! Why don't you practice on me? 518 00:21:40,541 --> 00:21:43,541 I'll attack you, you know, so it feels real? 519 00:21:43,625 --> 00:21:46,458 Judd was fucking with you. He's an agent of chaos. 520 00:21:46,541 --> 00:21:49,125 And if you try this, Pumbaa might actually kill you. 521 00:21:49,208 --> 00:21:52,666 Andrew, I'm gonna be honest. I don't think you have any other choice. 522 00:21:52,750 --> 00:21:54,250 Nick, it's the only option. 523 00:21:54,333 --> 00:21:55,750 If I wanna survive high school, 524 00:21:55,833 --> 00:21:59,833 I must learn to stick my finger into a bully's asshole. 525 00:21:59,916 --> 00:22:02,000 Whoo! Let's do this! 526 00:22:02,083 --> 00:22:04,125 -[Andrew groaning] -[Jay grunting] 527 00:22:04,208 --> 00:22:06,833 I will fucking kill you. 528 00:22:06,916 --> 00:22:08,208 Oh my God, Jay, stop! 529 00:22:08,291 --> 00:22:10,833 -Andrew, the time is now! -[Andrew groaning] 530 00:22:10,916 --> 00:22:12,291 Do it. Fulfill your destiny. 531 00:22:12,375 --> 00:22:13,291 [groaning] 532 00:22:14,083 --> 00:22:15,250 [Jay grunting] 533 00:22:15,333 --> 00:22:17,875 Whoa! Ho-ho-ho! 534 00:22:17,958 --> 00:22:19,750 Wow. [laughs] 535 00:22:19,833 --> 00:22:23,166 Even though I knew it was coming, I couldn't help but stop attacking you. 536 00:22:23,250 --> 00:22:24,625 Plus, it feels incredible. 537 00:22:24,708 --> 00:22:27,541 Oh good, okay. I need soap. 538 00:22:27,625 --> 00:22:28,750 You know what, Andrew? 539 00:22:28,833 --> 00:22:32,166 You and Pumbaa could end up, like, really good friends. 540 00:22:32,250 --> 00:22:35,000 Okay. Now, I got them to lower the lights, 541 00:22:35,083 --> 00:22:38,125 and I gave those loud teens 20 bucks to fuck off. 542 00:22:38,208 --> 00:22:41,083 -Does this work? -The store is now handleable for me. 543 00:22:41,166 --> 00:22:42,500 [clears throat] Uh, um… 544 00:22:42,583 --> 00:22:44,625 -Thank you, Matthew. -Of course. 545 00:22:44,708 --> 00:22:48,166 Okay, walk me through what you liked most about your old backpack. 546 00:22:48,250 --> 00:22:49,250 The wheels, right? 547 00:22:49,333 --> 00:22:51,125 No. In order of importance, 548 00:22:51,208 --> 00:22:53,583 it was the texture of the outer fabric… 549 00:22:53,666 --> 00:22:55,625 -Mm-hmm. -…its organizational qualities, 550 00:22:55,708 --> 00:22:57,208 and that people noticed it. 551 00:22:57,291 --> 00:22:59,375 Oh, you like being noticed? 552 00:22:59,458 --> 00:23:02,000 Yes, but don't tell anyone. 553 00:23:02,083 --> 00:23:03,708 You got it. Mmm… 554 00:23:03,791 --> 00:23:07,166 -How's this one? -No, the material is too coarse. 555 00:23:07,250 --> 00:23:08,791 Ooh, this one's cute. 556 00:23:08,875 --> 00:23:11,791 I would still like to have some sex appeal. 557 00:23:11,875 --> 00:23:13,666 Oh, of course. Um… 558 00:23:13,750 --> 00:23:17,291 Okay, this is kind of a big swing, and you might totally hate it, 559 00:23:17,375 --> 00:23:19,125 but pretty cool, right? 560 00:23:19,208 --> 00:23:21,750 -[ethereal music playing] -[wolf whistles] Hello, gorgeous. 561 00:23:21,833 --> 00:23:23,458 I am interested. 562 00:23:24,166 --> 00:23:27,166 [Pete] Dividers, enough room for your laptop and books? 563 00:23:27,250 --> 00:23:30,541 [gasps] A dozen writing implement holsters? 564 00:23:31,125 --> 00:23:33,250 I look like a man. 565 00:23:33,333 --> 00:23:35,625 A man who's ready to kill it at high school. 566 00:23:35,708 --> 00:23:39,750 Oh… but I still look like the saddest drag queen in Montana. 567 00:23:39,833 --> 00:23:41,000 -You do. -Damn. 568 00:23:41,083 --> 00:23:44,416 But I am losing the jacket because it clashes with your pants, 569 00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:47,666 I'm cuffing your pants because you have good ankles, 570 00:23:47,750 --> 00:23:50,583 and this shirt pattern will slay, cunt. 571 00:23:50,666 --> 00:23:52,791 Caleb, are you a fashion genius? 572 00:23:52,875 --> 00:23:53,833 Yes. 573 00:23:53,916 --> 00:23:55,125 Oh God, oh God. 574 00:23:55,208 --> 00:23:57,833 All right, Missy. Now let's tell this grumpy old blob 575 00:23:57,916 --> 00:23:59,916 just how much you appreciate school. 576 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:01,125 School is doom! 577 00:24:01,208 --> 00:24:03,083 What? Pish-posh. 578 00:24:03,166 --> 00:24:04,875 Yeah, pish-posh! 579 00:24:04,958 --> 00:24:07,458 School is my favorite part of being a kid. 580 00:24:07,541 --> 00:24:11,000 Ew! That is the saddest thing I ever heard. 581 00:24:11,083 --> 00:24:15,000 ♪ Oh, she's grateful For the library and spirited debates ♪ 582 00:24:15,083 --> 00:24:17,500 ♪ She's grateful For the microfiche and-- ♪ 583 00:24:17,583 --> 00:24:21,000 -Gratitoad! No! Let him go! -[coughs] I'm sorry, Missy. 584 00:24:21,083 --> 00:24:24,000 Tell my meemaw that I love her and that I really-- 585 00:24:24,083 --> 00:24:25,500 [screams] Holy Hadestown. 586 00:24:25,583 --> 00:24:27,041 [Dread] That's right, Missy. 587 00:24:27,125 --> 00:24:29,125 No matter what you do, 588 00:24:29,208 --> 00:24:32,333 you can't get rid of me. 589 00:24:32,416 --> 00:24:35,208 Okay. Okay, you win. 590 00:24:35,291 --> 00:24:37,708 [evil laughter] 591 00:24:39,291 --> 00:24:41,666 A red pen for peer grading, 592 00:24:41,750 --> 00:24:43,125 and done. 593 00:24:43,208 --> 00:24:45,625 Wow, Caleb, I love the satchel. 594 00:24:45,708 --> 00:24:46,958 Mucho sex appeal. 595 00:24:47,041 --> 00:24:49,500 Maury, you are one minute early. 596 00:24:49,583 --> 00:24:51,750 Yes, but I have the start paperwork 597 00:24:51,833 --> 00:24:54,333 regarding the Division One volleyball player. 598 00:24:54,416 --> 00:24:55,250 Hi, Caleb. 599 00:24:55,333 --> 00:24:57,500 Don't you want to sign some forms and then masturbate? 600 00:24:57,583 --> 00:24:58,458 Yes, I do. 601 00:24:58,541 --> 00:25:01,708 I believe she will be a great addition to the roster. 602 00:25:01,791 --> 00:25:05,250 Yeah, and I put a sticky little penis tab everywhere you need to sign. 603 00:25:05,333 --> 00:25:09,875 I appreciate everything that you do in regards to my masturbation. 604 00:25:09,958 --> 00:25:11,291 Wow, thank you, Caleb. 605 00:25:11,375 --> 00:25:15,041 No one's ever said that to me. And just don't forget to initial there. 606 00:25:15,583 --> 00:25:17,125 [Caleb] It is time. 607 00:25:17,625 --> 00:25:18,541 [snoring] 608 00:25:18,625 --> 00:25:22,291 Squishy, you didn't say "UNO." 609 00:25:22,375 --> 00:25:24,916 -[whispers] Hey, Nick. Are you awake? -Yeah. 610 00:25:25,000 --> 00:25:28,041 I'm still pretty nervous about Monday. 611 00:25:28,125 --> 00:25:31,458 [sighs] I get it. I'm actually kinda nervous too. 612 00:25:31,541 --> 00:25:33,958 It's gonna be weird to go to school without you guys. 613 00:25:34,041 --> 00:25:38,083 Yeah. I wish you were gonna be there to see me stick my finger up Pumbaa's ass. 614 00:25:38,166 --> 00:25:40,083 Honestly, me too. 615 00:25:40,166 --> 00:25:41,250 [laughs] 616 00:25:41,333 --> 00:25:43,250 -Good night, Andrew. -Good night, Nick. 617 00:25:43,333 --> 00:25:46,250 ♪ Thank you for being a friend ♪ 618 00:25:47,333 --> 00:25:51,250 ♪ Traveled down a road and back again ♪ 619 00:25:51,333 --> 00:25:56,833 ♪ Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidant… ♪ 620 00:25:56,916 --> 00:26:00,250 ["Thank You For Being A Friend" by Andrew Gold playing] 621 00:26:00,333 --> 00:26:03,833 ♪ I'm not ashamed to say ♪ 622 00:26:04,833 --> 00:26:08,541 ♪ I hope it always will stay this way ♪ 623 00:26:08,625 --> 00:26:14,333 ♪ My hat is off Won't you stand up and take a bow? ♪ 624 00:26:17,833 --> 00:26:20,750 ♪ And if you threw a party ♪ 625 00:26:21,833 --> 00:26:24,750 ♪ Invited everyone you knew ♪ 626 00:26:25,833 --> 00:26:28,750 ♪ Well, you would see the biggest gift… ♪ 627 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:32,833 Chirp.