1 00:00:07,875 --> 00:00:10,916 - [birds chirping] - [school bell rings] 2 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,625 Guys, these book reports were pretty disappointing. 3 00:00:13,708 --> 00:00:16,458 Except for Andrew Glouberman. 4 00:00:16,541 --> 00:00:17,666 Nice work, Andrew. 5 00:00:17,750 --> 00:00:18,750 - An "A"? - Whoa. 6 00:00:18,833 --> 00:00:20,666 - That's good, right? - How'd you get an A? 7 00:00:20,750 --> 00:00:24,666 I have no idea. I mean, I did read the cute little story or whatever, but... 8 00:00:24,750 --> 00:00:26,250 You actually did the reading? 9 00:00:26,333 --> 00:00:29,500 Well, you're aware I obliterated my scrotum 10 00:00:29,583 --> 00:00:32,375 and can no longer yank on that stinky pole. 11 00:00:32,458 --> 00:00:34,375 Oh, Andrew, it's 10:00 a.m. 12 00:00:34,458 --> 00:00:37,250 Anyway, so the other night, there I am in my room, 13 00:00:37,333 --> 00:00:40,000 no idea what to do with myself other than yam-yank, 14 00:00:40,083 --> 00:00:41,625 and then I see the book, Nick. 15 00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:44,166 - Oh my God, and you just... - I read the goddamn thing. 16 00:00:44,250 --> 00:00:45,083 So weird. 17 00:00:45,166 --> 00:00:47,291 Turns out there are other things you can finish. 18 00:00:47,375 --> 00:00:50,500 Oh, look at that. Andrew's doing so well without me. 19 00:00:50,583 --> 00:00:53,458 Okay, you're gripping my arm very tight, Maury. 20 00:00:53,541 --> 00:00:56,833 That's because I'm so authentically happy for Andrew. [forced laugh] 21 00:00:56,916 --> 00:00:59,916 You can drop the charade, honey. I know breakups are tough. 22 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:04,083 First of all, it's not a breakup, okay? It's just a temporary break. 23 00:01:04,166 --> 00:01:06,541 And second of all, I'm totally fine with it 24 00:01:06,625 --> 00:01:10,166 because Andrew is just another client. 25 00:01:10,250 --> 00:01:14,208 Uh-huh. Wondering if we can pivot to my sexual development anytime soon? 26 00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:17,458 Oh. Right, of course. I'm so sorry. What are you doing at lunch? 27 00:01:17,541 --> 00:01:20,666 Wanna jerk off into the lost and found, really crust up some hoodies? 28 00:01:20,750 --> 00:01:22,875 Ugh, no! I'm not a sex criminal. 29 00:01:22,958 --> 00:01:24,291 [sobbing] I know! 30 00:01:24,375 --> 00:01:26,500 I miss Andrew! 31 00:01:26,583 --> 00:01:28,791 {\an8}["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays] 32 00:01:28,875 --> 00:01:34,375 {\an8}♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪ 33 00:01:38,250 --> 00:01:43,958 {\an8}♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪ 34 00:01:44,500 --> 00:01:45,333 {\an8}♪ Oh ♪ 35 00:01:45,416 --> 00:01:46,708 {\an8}♪ In my life ♪ 36 00:01:48,125 --> 00:01:51,166 {\an8}♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪ 37 00:01:56,041 --> 00:01:57,041 [songs fades] 38 00:01:59,625 --> 00:02:03,208 {\an8}Okay. So, for your next assignment, you'll all be writing letters. 39 00:02:03,291 --> 00:02:06,833 {\an8}Ugh, are we like saving the postal service again? 40 00:02:06,916 --> 00:02:09,416 Just let the old bitch die. 41 00:02:09,500 --> 00:02:12,250 Actually, Lola, we won't be mailing them 42 00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:15,083 because they're letters to your future selves. 43 00:02:15,166 --> 00:02:19,333 So like, "Dear Future Jessi, congrats on making the debate team 44 00:02:19,416 --> 00:02:21,666 - and getting into Brown?" - Getting into Brown! 45 00:02:21,750 --> 00:02:24,458 I love that you're already thinking about anal, 46 00:02:24,541 --> 00:02:27,208 which is what that college is famous for. 47 00:02:27,291 --> 00:02:31,083 [groans] I can't write a whole letter. My brain sucks too hard. 48 00:02:31,166 --> 00:02:32,625 Come on. Don't... Don't say that. 49 00:02:32,708 --> 00:02:35,291 Ah, it's true. Look, I got a "D" on my book report. 50 00:02:35,375 --> 00:02:37,000 That's the letter F. 51 00:02:37,083 --> 00:02:37,916 Ah, see? 52 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:41,791 Have you tried not jerking off? It sent a lot of blood to my brain. 53 00:02:41,875 --> 00:02:43,166 Are you insane? 54 00:02:43,250 --> 00:02:47,625 I would sooner pull my dick full off than not pull it at all. 55 00:02:47,708 --> 00:02:50,583 Oh yeah, you gotta pull it if you got it. 56 00:02:50,666 --> 00:02:52,333 You feel me, Elijah? 57 00:02:52,416 --> 00:02:56,208 [uncomfortably] Oh, um, totally, man. You... You gotta pull. 58 00:02:56,291 --> 00:02:57,791 - [sighs] - What's wrong, buddy? 59 00:02:57,875 --> 00:03:00,208 Yeah, that was a very sad fist bump. 60 00:03:00,291 --> 00:03:03,375 I just hate being the only non-horny kid I know. 61 00:03:03,458 --> 00:03:06,500 All these guys are, like, obsessed with their own crotches. 62 00:03:06,583 --> 00:03:10,250 {\an8}I know. Even Missy's an out-of-control masturbatrix. 63 00:03:10,333 --> 00:03:13,000 - I just don't get it. - Yeah, I wish we could help. 64 00:03:13,083 --> 00:03:15,291 - But isn't helping me your job? - It is, yeah. 65 00:03:15,375 --> 00:03:20,041 You probably haven't noticed this, but Joe and I do our job pretty bad. 66 00:03:20,125 --> 00:03:21,708 No, yeah, I picked up on that. 67 00:03:21,791 --> 00:03:23,583 So, you got any plans after school? 68 00:03:23,666 --> 00:03:26,000 I'm actually looking forward to this homework. 69 00:03:26,083 --> 00:03:27,291 - You are? - Yeah. 70 00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:29,333 Wanna brainstorm our letters together? 71 00:03:29,416 --> 00:03:30,708 Ew, what? No, no. 72 00:03:30,791 --> 00:03:33,083 I wanna do my homework the way I always do it, 73 00:03:33,166 --> 00:03:36,375 five minutes before class with a pen that barely works. 74 00:03:36,458 --> 00:03:38,375 - [doorbell rings] - Oh my God. 75 00:03:38,458 --> 00:03:41,083 I'm just returning a sweater. Why am I so nervous? 76 00:03:41,166 --> 00:03:42,750 'Cause it's Leah. 77 00:03:42,833 --> 00:03:46,958 She's so cool and mature and better than you in every way. 78 00:03:47,041 --> 00:03:48,125 Oh, hey, Jessi. 79 00:03:48,208 --> 00:03:50,375 Quick, say something gorgeous. 80 00:03:50,458 --> 00:03:52,708 Hi, is, um, Leah home? 81 00:03:52,791 --> 00:03:53,833 [nervous laugh] 82 00:03:53,916 --> 00:03:55,958 - Stupid, that's you. - [groans] 83 00:03:56,041 --> 00:03:58,000 - You Leah, me Tarzan. - Stop it! 84 00:03:58,083 --> 00:04:00,416 - Tarzan return sweater. [grunts] - Ew, you're doing bad! 85 00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:03,416 Oh, that's so sweet. You should totally keep it. 86 00:04:03,500 --> 00:04:06,666 Oh, it's not, like, laden with my filth or anything. [chuckles] 87 00:04:06,750 --> 00:04:08,083 I had it eco dry-cleaned 88 00:04:08,166 --> 00:04:09,846 - like the tag said to do, so... - [laughs] 89 00:04:09,875 --> 00:04:12,267 Should I not have read your tag? Was that private? I'm sorry. 90 00:04:12,291 --> 00:04:15,041 - Oh my God, you're such a Virgo. - [awkward laugh] 91 00:04:15,125 --> 00:04:16,625 Totally. 92 00:04:16,708 --> 00:04:18,125 ♪ Just a Virgo little virgin ♪ 93 00:04:18,208 --> 00:04:20,125 Be different, Jessi. 94 00:04:20,208 --> 00:04:23,375 Actually, I'm getting rid of a ton of old clothes right now. 95 00:04:23,458 --> 00:04:25,208 Wanna come in and try some on, girlie? 96 00:04:25,291 --> 00:04:26,583 [gasps] "Girlie." 97 00:04:26,666 --> 00:04:29,458 - Whoa! Leah's room. - [angelic music playing] 98 00:04:29,541 --> 00:04:30,916 - Where she sleeps! - [gasps] 99 00:04:31,000 --> 00:04:33,333 - Fuck me! It's Leah's bra. - [gasps] 100 00:04:33,416 --> 00:04:35,375 {\an8}- You can see through it. - [Leah sighs] 101 00:04:35,458 --> 00:04:37,166 {\an8}It's all up for grabs. Take whatevs. 102 00:04:37,250 --> 00:04:38,750 Okay, yeah. 103 00:04:38,833 --> 00:04:41,083 Um, all right, I'll just grab this tank top, I guess, 104 00:04:41,166 --> 00:04:42,458 and I'll get out of your hair. 105 00:04:42,541 --> 00:04:46,000 It's so cute. Thank you so much. This has been splendid. 106 00:04:46,083 --> 00:04:47,791 Oh, you don't wanna stay and hang out? 107 00:04:47,875 --> 00:04:50,000 - Hang out? You mean like fwends? Friends? - [gasps] 108 00:04:50,083 --> 00:04:52,208 [laughs] Yes, Jessi, like friends. 109 00:04:52,291 --> 00:04:53,291 [both] Holy sh... 110 00:04:54,541 --> 00:04:55,666 [Andrew clears throat] 111 00:04:55,750 --> 00:04:57,625 "Dear Future Andrew, 112 00:04:57,708 --> 00:05:00,416 May you walk through life with your head held high, 113 00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,875 but may you also bow it now and then 114 00:05:02,958 --> 00:05:05,625 to smell the sweetness of a rose." [chuckles] 115 00:05:05,708 --> 00:05:07,583 Clever boy, worthy of Twain. 116 00:05:07,666 --> 00:05:08,500 - Andrew! - [yelps] 117 00:05:08,583 --> 00:05:09,833 Your mother and I found this 118 00:05:09,916 --> 00:05:12,083 during our nightly perv search of your room. 119 00:05:12,166 --> 00:05:14,875 Not my... Oh. Book report? 120 00:05:14,958 --> 00:05:18,666 Why didn't you tell us you did something not so terrible? 121 00:05:18,750 --> 00:05:20,583 Oh, my little A-student. 122 00:05:20,666 --> 00:05:24,208 We had just come to accept that you'd end up in the gutter someday. 123 00:05:24,291 --> 00:05:25,416 You and me both, lady. 124 00:05:25,500 --> 00:05:28,750 But now, I have the slightest glimmer of hope. 125 00:05:28,833 --> 00:05:30,958 This is going on the fridge. 126 00:05:31,041 --> 00:05:32,083 No, Mama! 127 00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:34,750 The fridge is for Rite Aid coupons only. Dad, stop her. 128 00:05:34,833 --> 00:05:37,291 No, I think we can make an exception. 129 00:05:37,375 --> 00:05:38,416 [angelic music plays] 130 00:05:38,500 --> 00:05:40,333 - [gasps] - Proud of you, son. Mwah! 131 00:05:40,416 --> 00:05:42,375 What the full fuck? 132 00:05:42,458 --> 00:05:45,125 - [fridge rumbling] - Maury? Is that you? 133 00:05:45,208 --> 00:05:46,208 Are you back? 134 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:48,416 Guess again, dipshit, 135 00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:51,250 and guess Petra, 'cause that's my goddamn name. 136 00:05:51,333 --> 00:05:53,166 Oh, right, from the other show. 137 00:05:53,250 --> 00:05:55,958 You're... What was it again? Ah, an "Ambition Gremlin." 138 00:05:56,041 --> 00:05:57,458 Damn right. And you? 139 00:05:57,541 --> 00:06:00,541 Oh wow, you're just a boiled fucking pierogi, aren't ya? 140 00:06:00,625 --> 00:06:01,958 Yeah, I'm a soggy boy. 141 00:06:02,041 --> 00:06:03,291 Well, not for long. 142 00:06:03,375 --> 00:06:06,125 I'm here to mold your mush into greatness. 143 00:06:06,208 --> 00:06:07,458 "Greatness"? Wow. 144 00:06:07,541 --> 00:06:09,833 Well, we are immediately outside my wheelhouse. 145 00:06:09,916 --> 00:06:11,583 Hey, listen, kid. Eyes over here. 146 00:06:11,666 --> 00:06:13,625 - You like this, right? - Oh. 147 00:06:13,708 --> 00:06:15,083 Headlining the fridge. 148 00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:16,958 Well, I can get you more. 149 00:06:17,041 --> 00:06:18,166 More good grades. 150 00:06:18,250 --> 00:06:19,750 - Yes. - More excellence. 151 00:06:19,833 --> 00:06:22,291 - Yeah. - More brief flashes of parental love. 152 00:06:22,375 --> 00:06:25,333 I could be Daddy's number one good boy. 153 00:06:25,416 --> 00:06:28,208 With ambition, you can be whatever the fuck you want! 154 00:06:28,291 --> 00:06:29,625 - Think tech mogul. - Oh-ho-ho. 155 00:06:29,708 --> 00:06:31,833 Think Vegas restaurateur. 156 00:06:31,916 --> 00:06:34,125 "Vegas restaurateur." 157 00:06:34,208 --> 00:06:35,916 At Glouberman's Grille, 158 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,583 the plates are square. 159 00:06:37,666 --> 00:06:39,666 I dress like golf. 160 00:06:39,750 --> 00:06:41,416 Hey, pick up the pace, old man! 161 00:06:41,500 --> 00:06:44,041 Oh please, don't fire me, Mister My Son. 162 00:06:44,125 --> 00:06:46,583 All right, I gotta go. I'm meeting Celine Dion 163 00:06:46,666 --> 00:06:49,625 at the Cold Stone Creamery in The Venetian. Jetpack up! 164 00:06:50,958 --> 00:06:54,750 Petra, my dear, what can I say? When I'm dazzled, I'm dazzled. 165 00:06:54,833 --> 00:06:57,750 I think this is the beginning of a beautiful, 166 00:06:57,833 --> 00:06:59,375 strictly business partnership. 167 00:06:59,458 --> 00:07:01,083 Care to shake a wet, tiny hand? 168 00:07:01,166 --> 00:07:02,000 [chuckles] 169 00:07:02,083 --> 00:07:05,166 All right, clearly, I can't count on you guys for anything. 170 00:07:05,250 --> 00:07:07,333 Ah-ah-ah. We never said you could. 171 00:07:07,416 --> 00:07:10,958 But there must be, like, other asexual people online, right? 172 00:07:11,041 --> 00:07:12,916 Oh, sure, the Internet. 173 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:16,041 The safest place for children who feel different. 174 00:07:16,125 --> 00:07:18,708 Okay, hold on a sec. Oh, what's this? 175 00:07:19,416 --> 00:07:20,833 Whoa! 176 00:07:20,916 --> 00:07:21,916 Whoa! 177 00:07:22,000 --> 00:07:23,875 Huh? Where the heck are we? 178 00:07:23,958 --> 00:07:26,208 I think we're in Reddit? 179 00:07:26,291 --> 00:07:28,625 {\an8}Correct. I'm Snoo, of course. 180 00:07:28,708 --> 00:07:30,916 Welcome to the asexuality subreddit. 181 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:34,583 Wow. So, all these posts are from people like me? 182 00:07:34,666 --> 00:07:36,166 [Snoo] Thousands of them. 183 00:07:36,250 --> 00:07:41,041 Asexuals, aromantics, and, of course, a smattering of hate speech. 184 00:07:41,125 --> 00:07:43,291 But you, uh, delete that stuff, right? 185 00:07:43,375 --> 00:07:45,416 Nope. To me, it's food. 186 00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:47,750 Go ahead, Elijah, scroll around. 187 00:07:48,833 --> 00:07:51,375 {\an8}I always assumed I just had a lesser sex drive. 188 00:07:51,458 --> 00:07:54,416 I could go the rest of my life without sex just fine. 189 00:07:54,500 --> 00:07:57,000 Happy Tuesday. White genocide, am I right? 190 00:07:57,083 --> 00:07:58,333 - Jesus! - Yum! 191 00:07:59,708 --> 00:08:01,458 {\an8}This meme is literally me. 192 00:08:01,541 --> 00:08:03,125 {\an8}[laughing] Bro, same. 193 00:08:03,208 --> 00:08:05,083 I kind of feel better already. 194 00:08:05,166 --> 00:08:06,291 Wait, what's this one? 195 00:08:06,375 --> 00:08:08,500 Any other aces on here masturbate? 196 00:08:08,583 --> 00:08:09,666 {\an8}Of course. 197 00:08:09,750 --> 00:08:13,833 {\an8}You don't have to be attracted to others to enjoy physical sensations. 198 00:08:13,916 --> 00:08:16,083 Jerking off just feels really good. 199 00:08:16,166 --> 00:08:18,500 What? I didn't know they... 200 00:08:18,583 --> 00:08:20,625 - We did that. - Us either. 201 00:08:20,708 --> 00:08:25,041 So, you guys think I might enjoy... 202 00:08:25,125 --> 00:08:27,041 - Yanking your crank? - Choking your chicken? 203 00:08:27,125 --> 00:08:29,458 Squeezing the spinach out of Popeye's can? 204 00:08:29,541 --> 00:08:32,333 Masturbating. Let's just call it masturbating. 205 00:08:32,416 --> 00:08:36,958 Ooh, "masturbating"! Sounds like we're doing it classy, Joe. 206 00:08:37,041 --> 00:08:39,666 Oh yeah, let me go get my top hat. 207 00:08:40,500 --> 00:08:41,416 Ooh, gorge! 208 00:08:41,500 --> 00:08:43,625 - The gorge-iest. - You have to take it. 209 00:08:43,708 --> 00:08:46,625 Quick, kiss her belly button ring. It's a sign of respect. 210 00:08:46,708 --> 00:08:47,541 Ooh, you know what? 211 00:08:47,625 --> 00:08:50,625 This could actually be cute for debate next year. Trying on. 212 00:08:50,708 --> 00:08:52,958 - Oh my God, I could never do debate. - Oh. 213 00:08:53,041 --> 00:08:55,666 Arguing all the time would, like, mega stress me out. 214 00:08:55,750 --> 00:08:59,291 Ah! She disagrees and she's perfect, so you're wrong. 215 00:08:59,375 --> 00:09:00,708 I know. What do I do? 216 00:09:00,791 --> 00:09:03,583 Recant! Recant with all your might! 217 00:09:03,666 --> 00:09:05,166 So, while I was trying that on, 218 00:09:05,250 --> 00:09:07,583 I just remembered I forgot to say this thing about debate, 219 00:09:07,666 --> 00:09:10,166 - which is that I also hate it. - Oh. Okay. 220 00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:11,666 - She bought it. - Oh, thank God. 221 00:09:11,750 --> 00:09:13,390 Hey, Leah, do you have my fuzzy slippers? 222 00:09:13,416 --> 00:09:15,416 - Hey, dude. - Jessi, what are you doing here? 223 00:09:15,500 --> 00:09:17,625 And why are you wearing a crop top? 224 00:09:17,708 --> 00:09:19,041 Oh fuck. 225 00:09:19,125 --> 00:09:22,500 It's like a shirt took its pants off. Yum, yum. 226 00:09:22,583 --> 00:09:26,625 What are you wearing, Nicky? Your wittle jammies at 6:00 p.m.? 227 00:09:26,708 --> 00:09:28,625 Yeah, Nicky, is it your bedtime soon? 228 00:09:28,708 --> 00:09:32,583 Actually, assholes, I'm in my PJs because I already took my bath. 229 00:09:32,666 --> 00:09:33,500 - Okay? So... - [laughing] 230 00:09:33,583 --> 00:09:36,625 - Oh my God, that's adorable. - Don't call me adorable. You're my age. 231 00:09:36,708 --> 00:09:39,416 - Also, don't hang out with my sister... - Enough. I get it. 232 00:09:39,500 --> 00:09:41,708 And finally, you look dumb in her clothes, okay? 233 00:09:41,791 --> 00:09:45,916 - Uh, no way. She looks amazing. - Girlie, oh my God. Thank you so much. 234 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:48,541 But how do I look in Leah's clothes, Nick? 235 00:09:48,625 --> 00:09:50,041 Honestly, not bad. 236 00:09:50,125 --> 00:09:53,583 Girlie, oh my God. Thank you so much. 237 00:09:53,666 --> 00:09:56,000 Okay, there's no pressure, buddy. 238 00:09:56,083 --> 00:09:58,958 We're only masturbating if you want to. 239 00:09:59,041 --> 00:10:01,791 No, I do. I'm pretty curious what all the fuss is about. 240 00:10:01,875 --> 00:10:03,625 That was me with Wordle. 241 00:10:03,708 --> 00:10:07,250 I'm like, "Okay, I'll try it. Everyone shut the fuck up." 242 00:10:07,333 --> 00:10:09,375 Then I did, and I came. 243 00:10:09,458 --> 00:10:11,458 Can you guys maybe, like, turn around? 244 00:10:11,541 --> 00:10:13,250 - Sure. - We're not even here. 245 00:10:14,208 --> 00:10:15,500 {\an8}[Gil] O-O-Okay, Elijah? 246 00:10:15,583 --> 00:10:19,041 {\an8}Now, I hear you using a lot of lotion, and that's... that's fine, 247 00:10:19,125 --> 00:10:21,583 just don't get it in the hole, okay, buddy? 248 00:10:21,666 --> 00:10:24,541 Guys, I think it's working a little. 249 00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:26,625 Oh. Whoo! 250 00:10:26,708 --> 00:10:27,958 It's working a lot. 251 00:10:28,041 --> 00:10:29,500 He's doing it, Gil. 252 00:10:29,583 --> 00:10:32,208 Oh, look at me, I'm getting misty. 253 00:10:32,291 --> 00:10:35,041 - I'm misty. - Fuck you, man. I was crying first, okay? 254 00:10:35,125 --> 00:10:36,125 Fuck you, Joe. 255 00:10:36,208 --> 00:10:39,625 All right, so, what other goals we got for your future self? 256 00:10:39,708 --> 00:10:42,541 - Um, how about good college? - Yeah. 257 00:10:42,625 --> 00:10:43,833 - A big house. - Okay. 258 00:10:43,916 --> 00:10:45,916 Maybe a sexy missus to complete the picture? 259 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:49,083 Okay, but not actress-hot, 'cause suddenly you're financing 260 00:10:49,166 --> 00:10:51,541 this girl's short film about a car crash or some shit. 261 00:10:51,625 --> 00:10:53,791 Then it's like, "Okay, Kylie, you want my money, 262 00:10:53,875 --> 00:10:56,083 but you don't want my notes on the script?" 263 00:10:56,166 --> 00:10:59,666 - Ugh. Paying for billboards and shit. - Listen, Andrew, sweetheart? 264 00:10:59,750 --> 00:11:01,875 Oh God, why are you calling me sweetheart? 265 00:11:01,958 --> 00:11:05,416 I knew you were studying so I brought you a two-liter bottle of soda, 266 00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:06,750 you know, how you like. 267 00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:09,666 So you're not here to tell me that you wish I died 268 00:11:09,750 --> 00:11:13,333 in the first wave of COVID 'cause I'm such a disappointing bum? 269 00:11:13,416 --> 00:11:17,500 Oh, no, that was back when you were a useless squatter in my home. 270 00:11:17,583 --> 00:11:19,875 Now, you're an A-student. 271 00:11:19,958 --> 00:11:21,916 - Ah. - A potential earner. 272 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:24,708 - This guy gets it. - So keep up the good work, champ. 273 00:11:24,791 --> 00:11:26,750 Holy shit. Did you hear that? 274 00:11:26,833 --> 00:11:30,166 Yep. By the end of the week, your dad will be sucking your dick. 275 00:11:30,250 --> 00:11:31,458 Wait, what? I don't want that. 276 00:11:31,541 --> 00:11:34,333 Oh, come on, it's not sexual. It's a power dynamic. 277 00:11:34,416 --> 00:11:38,333 Huh, power. Never had it, kinda want it. 278 00:11:38,416 --> 00:11:41,000 - Right? - Petra, you nasty little thing, 279 00:11:41,083 --> 00:11:43,041 how did I ever live without you? 280 00:11:43,125 --> 00:11:44,708 - Very poorly. - Ha ha! 281 00:11:44,791 --> 00:11:46,375 Don't I know it. 282 00:11:46,458 --> 00:11:49,791 ♪ I was a frumpy, ne'er-do-well loser ♪ 283 00:11:50,416 --> 00:11:53,333 ♪ A pitiful, flightless bird ♪ 284 00:11:54,041 --> 00:11:58,000 ♪ An around-the-clock cock-abuser ♪ 285 00:11:58,083 --> 00:12:01,958 ♪ A dull, unpolished turd ♪ 286 00:12:03,250 --> 00:12:04,708 - ♪ Then you... ♪ - Me? 287 00:12:04,791 --> 00:12:06,166 ♪ You came from out of the blue ♪ 288 00:12:06,250 --> 00:12:08,833 ♪ And you taught this dirty pig How to fly... ♪ 289 00:12:08,916 --> 00:12:11,000 - Damn right! - ♪ Oh, you ♪ 290 00:12:11,083 --> 00:12:12,583 ♪ With your hot little suit ♪ 291 00:12:12,666 --> 00:12:15,041 ♪ You're so perky and cute I could die... ♪ 292 00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:16,000 [laughs] 293 00:12:16,083 --> 00:12:18,875 ♪ I was stuck in the mud With a hand on my pud ♪ 294 00:12:18,958 --> 00:12:22,291 ♪ I'd come to the end of the line ♪ 295 00:12:22,375 --> 00:12:25,250 ♪ Then you came zooming in Like a smack on the chin ♪ 296 00:12:25,333 --> 00:12:27,583 ♪ And you polished this turd to a shine... ♪ 297 00:12:27,666 --> 00:12:28,500 'Course I did. 298 00:12:28,583 --> 00:12:30,208 - ♪ Honey, you... ♪ - Yeah, me. 299 00:12:30,291 --> 00:12:34,125 ♪ You're a magical minx And this fella thinks you're just grand... ♪ 300 00:12:34,208 --> 00:12:35,125 I'm the best. 301 00:12:35,208 --> 00:12:38,375 ♪ You gave me strength and affection But not an erection ♪ 302 00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:41,416 ♪ But still make me feel like a man ♪ 303 00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:44,375 ♪ I was down on my luck Just a sad little fuck ♪ 304 00:12:44,458 --> 00:12:47,708 - ♪ With my big stupid head in the sand... ♪ - He-he! 305 00:12:47,791 --> 00:12:50,958 ♪ And then poof, you were here With a scowl and a sneer ♪ 306 00:12:51,041 --> 00:12:53,083 ♪ To slap the dick Right out of my hand... ♪ 307 00:12:53,166 --> 00:12:54,000 That's what I do. 308 00:12:54,083 --> 00:12:55,583 - ♪ Fucking you... ♪ - Fucking Petra. 309 00:12:55,666 --> 00:12:57,125 ♪ You're a pip, you're a hit ♪ 310 00:12:57,208 --> 00:13:00,458 ♪ Now my shit-brown sky's turning blue ♪ 311 00:13:00,541 --> 00:13:02,833 ♪ Oh, what in the world would I do ♪ 312 00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:05,541 - ♪ Without wonderful you? ♪ - Not much. 313 00:13:06,041 --> 00:13:08,833 - ♪ Weird, green, wonderful you... ♪ - So wonderful. 314 00:13:08,916 --> 00:13:12,166 - ♪ Short, mean, wonderful you... ♪ - And beautiful. 315 00:13:12,250 --> 00:13:14,208 ♪ Oh, baby, you ♪ 316 00:13:14,291 --> 00:13:16,958 - Eh, you're not so bad yourself. - [cheering, applause] 317 00:13:17,541 --> 00:13:20,750 Hmm. I love it, but it's like... 318 00:13:20,833 --> 00:13:22,791 - It's missing something, right? - [gasps] 319 00:13:22,875 --> 00:13:24,750 - Leah's belly button ring. - Oh, that's it! 320 00:13:24,833 --> 00:13:27,375 You need some belly bling on that naked hole. 321 00:13:27,458 --> 00:13:28,500 - Mom! - Shannon! 322 00:13:28,583 --> 00:13:31,750 - Whoa. Why are you dressed like that? - Um... [scoffs] 323 00:13:31,833 --> 00:13:33,041 This is literally how I dress. 324 00:13:33,125 --> 00:13:34,965 - You're being a psycho, but it's fine. - What? 325 00:13:35,041 --> 00:13:39,000 Hey, can we, real quick, get my belly pierced tomorrow? 326 00:13:39,083 --> 00:13:40,875 [laughs] 327 00:13:40,958 --> 00:13:44,458 Oh, sweetie, I love that you had the balls to even ask. 328 00:13:44,541 --> 00:13:46,916 Wow, yeah, absolutely not. 329 00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:49,666 Are you serious? You're being such a Virgo right now! 330 00:13:49,750 --> 00:13:53,125 - Nice try. My birthday's in June. - Two-faced Gemini bitch. 331 00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:55,041 A belly button ring. 332 00:13:55,125 --> 00:13:56,916 [laughs] 333 00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:59,250 - Thanks again. This was a trip. - Fucking Shannon. 334 00:13:59,333 --> 00:14:02,708 What are we gonna do? Your hole remains nude. 335 00:14:02,791 --> 00:14:04,416 Well, I do have one idea, 336 00:14:04,500 --> 00:14:08,208 but it's kind of stupid and crazy and maybe dangerous. 337 00:14:08,291 --> 00:14:09,541 Let's do it then. 338 00:14:09,625 --> 00:14:11,916 {\an8}Honey, why don't you take a break from your homework 339 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:13,625 {\an8}while the doctor examines you, huh? 340 00:14:13,708 --> 00:14:16,041 - No breaks! - Nope. Trying to make Honor Roll. 341 00:14:16,125 --> 00:14:18,250 - You know how it is, Doc. - Not really, no. 342 00:14:18,333 --> 00:14:20,000 I got straight D's in med school. 343 00:14:20,083 --> 00:14:21,000 - Oh. - [laughs] 344 00:14:21,083 --> 00:14:24,166 Anyway, Andrew, some pretty freaky stuff is up with you body-wise. 345 00:14:24,250 --> 00:14:26,166 Oh God, no mother should bury a son. 346 00:14:26,250 --> 00:14:28,541 - Actually, it's all good news. - Good news? 347 00:14:28,625 --> 00:14:30,541 - Scoliosis is gone. - Ooh. 348 00:14:30,625 --> 00:14:32,583 - Cholesterol is down. - Really? 349 00:14:32,666 --> 00:14:34,750 - Normal blood pressure for once. - Who, me? 350 00:14:34,833 --> 00:14:36,000 In my medical opinion, 351 00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:38,625 I think we've got to give the credit to God. 352 00:14:38,708 --> 00:14:40,250 - Amen. - This fucking bozo. 353 00:14:40,333 --> 00:14:45,166 Your body sucks less because I rebooted its shitty fucking hard drive. Thank you. 354 00:14:45,250 --> 00:14:46,541 Oh, and your epididymis... 355 00:14:46,625 --> 00:14:47,625 Yep, all healed. 356 00:14:47,708 --> 00:14:49,416 Healed. So that would mean... 357 00:14:49,500 --> 00:14:51,708 Yes, you can go back to pleasuring your genitals 358 00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:53,250 to your heart's content. 359 00:14:53,333 --> 00:14:54,625 Yes! Ha-ha! 360 00:14:54,708 --> 00:14:56,625 You can jerk off again! 361 00:14:56,708 --> 00:14:59,041 - Maury! - Oh, Andrew, I've missed you so much! 362 00:14:59,125 --> 00:15:03,458 No one else will do my yucky ideas, so let's just start over. Whaddya say? 363 00:15:03,541 --> 00:15:05,958 Your place at fap-thirty? I'll bring the jizz. 364 00:15:06,041 --> 00:15:08,000 I'd like that very much. 365 00:15:08,083 --> 00:15:09,958 - Let me just run it by Petra. - Petra? 366 00:15:10,041 --> 00:15:13,958 Miss Petra, is it okay if I carve out some time for Maury this afternoon? 367 00:15:14,041 --> 00:15:17,625 Of course not, you dumb dunkaroo. We got worlds to win. 368 00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:20,458 Hang on a second. Are you two... together? 369 00:15:20,541 --> 00:15:23,458 Maury, no, it's not like that. We've just been hanging out. 370 00:15:23,541 --> 00:15:26,250 - How could you? - No, no, no. Baby, baby, please. 371 00:15:26,333 --> 00:15:29,083 You and I were on a break. Come on, let's all three of us... 372 00:15:29,166 --> 00:15:31,000 Kid, let me stop you right there. 373 00:15:31,083 --> 00:15:33,041 There is no "three of us." 374 00:15:33,125 --> 00:15:35,291 You're either with him or you're with me. 375 00:15:35,375 --> 00:15:37,166 What? Why does he have to choose? 376 00:15:37,250 --> 00:15:38,791 Because you're a freaking piggie. 377 00:15:38,875 --> 00:15:41,541 You're all, "Look, this looks like a tit, 378 00:15:41,625 --> 00:15:43,958 that looks like an ass, let's fuck a mailbox." 379 00:15:44,041 --> 00:15:46,958 - How dare you! - And he doesn't have time for that shit. 380 00:15:47,041 --> 00:15:52,125 That shit is a beautiful, disgusting life Andrew and I have built together, 381 00:15:52,208 --> 00:15:53,833 and he would never throw that away. 382 00:15:53,916 --> 00:15:54,916 He couldn't fathom it. 383 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:57,375 I... I don't know who to choose. 384 00:15:57,458 --> 00:16:00,041 - Oh dear. - Looks like he's fathoming it, dickwad. 385 00:16:00,125 --> 00:16:02,500 Andrew, stop fathoming. 386 00:16:02,583 --> 00:16:04,208 [knocking on door] 387 00:16:04,291 --> 00:16:05,666 Elijah, are you here? 388 00:16:05,750 --> 00:16:06,750 Elijah? 389 00:16:07,208 --> 00:16:09,625 I'm early for our raisin tasting, I hope that's... 390 00:16:09,708 --> 00:16:11,083 [moaning] 391 00:16:11,166 --> 00:16:12,166 Elijah? 392 00:16:12,208 --> 00:16:13,416 - [screams] - What the fuck? 393 00:16:13,500 --> 00:16:15,625 - Not Missy! Oh my God! - Occupied! 394 00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:17,000 Missy! 395 00:16:17,083 --> 00:16:18,958 - Ow! - Shoot! I'm... I'm sorry! 396 00:16:19,041 --> 00:16:21,416 Was he just wanking what I think he was wanking? 397 00:16:22,333 --> 00:16:26,541 Are you... Oh gosh, your nose is bleeding. And I spilled all the tasting raisins. 398 00:16:26,625 --> 00:16:29,291 Yeah, and you were just masturbating! 399 00:16:29,375 --> 00:16:31,375 I thought he was supposed to be asexual. 400 00:16:31,458 --> 00:16:34,625 Well, you see, Mona, it turns out, asexuals... not a monolith. 401 00:16:34,708 --> 00:16:37,708 Try to educate me right now and I will rip you in half. 402 00:16:37,791 --> 00:16:39,083 I... You didn't knock. 403 00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:40,958 Oh, well, I'm so sorry 404 00:16:41,041 --> 00:16:44,291 that your girlfriend caught you doing something sexual. 405 00:16:44,375 --> 00:16:47,291 Eh, well, for him, it's not actually sexual. 406 00:16:47,375 --> 00:16:50,041 Oh, so those were platonic moans, huh? 407 00:16:50,125 --> 00:16:52,375 He's just "friends" with his cock? 408 00:16:52,458 --> 00:16:55,208 Well, Missy, I'm just kind of experimenting and... 409 00:16:55,291 --> 00:16:58,291 You're a liar! You're not asexual. 410 00:16:58,375 --> 00:17:01,375 You just don't wanna do anything sexy with me. 411 00:17:01,458 --> 00:17:03,666 Cry, Missy. Cry and run. 412 00:17:03,750 --> 00:17:05,000 Missy, wait! 413 00:17:05,083 --> 00:17:08,166 Cry so hard! The running's weird. 414 00:17:08,250 --> 00:17:12,166 [sobbing] 415 00:17:12,250 --> 00:17:15,208 - You called the right bitch, Jessi. - Thanks for doing this. 416 00:17:15,291 --> 00:17:19,500 I once wrestled a girl at a Piercing Pagoda and very much won, 417 00:17:19,583 --> 00:17:23,500 so I could not be more qualified to poke a hole in your torso. 418 00:17:23,583 --> 00:17:26,125 Uh, Jessi, are you sure about this? 419 00:17:26,208 --> 00:17:28,625 I'm sure. I'm very probably sure. 420 00:17:28,708 --> 00:17:31,333 Oh, don't worry, the needle's not that sharp, so it won't hurt. 421 00:17:31,416 --> 00:17:33,416 - I actually think it might! - [sucks] 422 00:17:33,500 --> 00:17:36,500 - Okay, pinching. You ready? - [suspenseful music plays] 423 00:17:36,583 --> 00:17:37,458 [inhales] 424 00:17:37,541 --> 00:17:39,083 - Ready. - On three. 425 00:17:39,166 --> 00:17:40,833 One, two... 426 00:17:40,916 --> 00:17:41,833 - three... - [screams] 427 00:17:41,916 --> 00:17:44,458 - ...four, five, six! - [screaming] 428 00:17:44,541 --> 00:17:47,375 - Why is she still counting? - Lola, what the hell? 429 00:17:47,458 --> 00:17:51,541 It won't go through your thick meat. Ew. 430 00:17:51,625 --> 00:17:54,958 - Fuck! Is it almost through? - Assuredly not. 431 00:17:55,041 --> 00:17:58,125 - [screaming] - Should I just, like, pause the procedure? 432 00:17:58,208 --> 00:18:00,500 Not now. Think of Leah. 433 00:18:00,583 --> 00:18:01,458 Finish it. 434 00:18:01,541 --> 00:18:02,750 [grunting] 435 00:18:02,833 --> 00:18:05,166 Ow! There's so much blood! 436 00:18:05,250 --> 00:18:09,541 [chuckles] I'll tell you this, sweetie. They don't do it like me at Claire's. 437 00:18:09,625 --> 00:18:14,250 Maury, Petra, how can I choose? I love you both in such different ways. 438 00:18:14,333 --> 00:18:16,500 But Andrew, we belong together. 439 00:18:16,583 --> 00:18:19,666 Jerking off, being a perv, it's who you are. 440 00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:22,041 But Petra thinks I can be someone better. 441 00:18:22,125 --> 00:18:24,250 - A restaurateur. - Which is French. 442 00:18:24,333 --> 00:18:26,291 I-I can do French shit. 443 00:18:26,375 --> 00:18:29,333 French maid fantasies, French Stewart fantasies. 444 00:18:29,416 --> 00:18:32,000 Well, frankly, I don't hate that. 445 00:18:32,083 --> 00:18:33,541 Andrew, get a grip. 446 00:18:33,625 --> 00:18:36,958 This loser has been holding you back for years! 447 00:18:37,041 --> 00:18:38,833 I mean, you did give me scoliosis. 448 00:18:38,916 --> 00:18:40,208 Not on purpose. 449 00:18:40,291 --> 00:18:44,041 That's what happens when you hunch over your own dick for 18 hours a day. 450 00:18:44,125 --> 00:18:45,291 Ask Larry King. 451 00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:47,750 But Petra, she's made me healthier. 452 00:18:47,833 --> 00:18:50,166 - Yeah. - And she thinks I have real potential. 453 00:18:50,250 --> 00:18:52,583 "Petra thinks I have blah, blah, blah." 454 00:18:52,666 --> 00:18:54,916 - Maury, stop. Please. - Okay. 455 00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,708 Petra is good for me, 456 00:18:56,791 --> 00:18:57,791 so... [sighs] 457 00:18:57,875 --> 00:18:59,934 - ...I am done jerking off. - [emotional music playing] 458 00:18:59,958 --> 00:19:01,708 Oh, come on. Again? 459 00:19:01,791 --> 00:19:03,916 But this time, it's forever. 460 00:19:04,000 --> 00:19:08,375 Wow, okay. Uh, so this is like, um, like goodbye goodbye? 461 00:19:08,458 --> 00:19:10,708 You heard the kid. Au revoir. 462 00:19:10,791 --> 00:19:14,458 I'm going places, Maury, and I don't think I can take you with me. 463 00:19:14,541 --> 00:19:18,041 Oh, okay. Well, so, if this is really the end, 464 00:19:18,125 --> 00:19:19,750 then I'm gonna take all my stuff. 465 00:19:19,833 --> 00:19:22,114 Maury! There could be photographers. Don't make this ugly. 466 00:19:22,166 --> 00:19:24,541 You made it ugly! I'm gonna take this. 467 00:19:24,625 --> 00:19:26,208 This is my lotion. 468 00:19:26,291 --> 00:19:29,166 - I bought it with my Sephora points. - Eesh. 469 00:19:29,250 --> 00:19:31,000 Dude, you're embarrassing yourself. 470 00:19:31,083 --> 00:19:32,625 Fuck you, Petra! 471 00:19:32,708 --> 00:19:36,666 You stole my boy, and I will never forgive you for that. 472 00:19:36,750 --> 00:19:39,458 - You think I give a shit? - Just do me a favor, Petra. 473 00:19:39,541 --> 00:19:41,000 You take care of him. 474 00:19:41,083 --> 00:19:43,291 He's a very disgusting little creep. 475 00:19:43,375 --> 00:19:44,958 [sobbing] 476 00:19:47,750 --> 00:19:50,666 [Elliot] Leah, darling, you have a special guest for dinner. 477 00:19:50,750 --> 00:19:52,166 A guest? Oh, whoa. 478 00:19:52,250 --> 00:19:56,583 Hey, girlie, I have something so mega rad to show you. 479 00:19:56,666 --> 00:19:59,166 It cost us a lot of blood. 480 00:19:59,250 --> 00:20:02,083 I mean, we're mega fucking dizzy, bitch. 481 00:20:02,166 --> 00:20:05,958 Wow, so you're just dressed exactly like me, huh? 482 00:20:06,041 --> 00:20:10,291 Isn't this great? I get to appreciate my daughter in stereo. 483 00:20:10,375 --> 00:20:12,541 I'm just gonna say it. This is fucked up, right? 484 00:20:12,625 --> 00:20:15,708 Nick, stop being such a Virgo right now. 485 00:20:15,791 --> 00:20:17,625 Leah, you feeling me, girlie? 486 00:20:17,708 --> 00:20:19,541 - Wait, what? - It's like, come on... Whoa. 487 00:20:19,625 --> 00:20:21,833 Ha! She's a psycho little stalker. 488 00:20:21,916 --> 00:20:23,958 Jessi, honey, are you okay? 489 00:20:24,041 --> 00:20:27,833 Hey, Leah, before we eat, you wanna see my big news? 490 00:20:27,916 --> 00:20:29,000 - What? - Ta-da. 491 00:20:29,083 --> 00:20:30,000 Ew. 492 00:20:30,083 --> 00:20:32,833 - Ugh, Jessi, put that away. - Sick. 493 00:20:32,916 --> 00:20:35,958 It's still healing, but you like it, though, right? 494 00:20:36,041 --> 00:20:40,291 Jessi, did you pierce your own belly to be like me or something? 495 00:20:40,375 --> 00:20:43,750 - Totes did. - Because that's actually not cool. 496 00:20:43,833 --> 00:20:45,892 - [echoing] Not cool. - What? Connie? What's happening? 497 00:20:45,916 --> 00:20:48,375 She hates it. You're humiliated. 498 00:20:48,458 --> 00:20:50,666 Let's finally pass out. 499 00:20:50,750 --> 00:20:52,791 Okay, yeah, let's do that. 500 00:20:53,458 --> 00:20:54,291 Oh! 501 00:20:54,375 --> 00:20:57,166 - [crickets chirping] - Missy, Elijah's here to see you. 502 00:20:57,250 --> 00:20:58,791 Tell him to come in, I guess. 503 00:20:58,875 --> 00:21:02,375 Knock-knock. That's how you do that, just so you know. 504 00:21:02,458 --> 00:21:06,125 Now slam the door on him. Smash his traitorous hussy of a penis. 505 00:21:06,208 --> 00:21:07,083 What do you want? 506 00:21:07,166 --> 00:21:08,208 [sighs] I'm sorry. 507 00:21:08,291 --> 00:21:11,166 I know walking in on that must have been really confusing, 508 00:21:11,250 --> 00:21:12,833 so I wanted to explain. 509 00:21:12,916 --> 00:21:14,708 I mean, what is there to explain? 510 00:21:14,791 --> 00:21:17,208 I'd be horny for myself too if I had your screamin' bod. 511 00:21:17,291 --> 00:21:18,666 But I'm not horny. 512 00:21:18,750 --> 00:21:23,666 Even when I was masturbating, I wasn't. It was just this tingly, pleasant feeling? 513 00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:25,875 - Pleasant? - He's telling the truth. 514 00:21:25,958 --> 00:21:28,583 Jerking off wasn't a sex thing for us. 515 00:21:28,666 --> 00:21:31,208 We weren't thinking about people or parts of people. 516 00:21:31,291 --> 00:21:34,041 It was just relaxing. I did a Wordle. 517 00:21:34,125 --> 00:21:37,625 So, it was like non-sexual pleasure? 518 00:21:37,708 --> 00:21:38,916 Exactly, yeah. 519 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:43,458 And with you, I feel romantic pleasure, which is also non-sexual, but different. 520 00:21:43,541 --> 00:21:47,416 It... Oh, sorry. It's hard to explain everything I've been learning. 521 00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:48,875 Wait, I got an idea. 522 00:21:48,958 --> 00:21:51,208 - Maybe you should show her. - Yeah. 523 00:21:51,750 --> 00:21:53,125 - Whoa! - Whoa! 524 00:21:53,208 --> 00:21:55,791 Wow. So this is Reddit. 525 00:21:55,875 --> 00:21:56,791 Elijah. 526 00:21:56,875 --> 00:21:59,416 Hey, Snoo. I'd like you to meet my girlfriend, Missy. 527 00:21:59,500 --> 00:22:02,291 Oh, hi, Mister Snoo. Are you also asexual? 528 00:22:02,375 --> 00:22:04,000 No, I'm just an ally. 529 00:22:04,083 --> 00:22:07,541 I actually pipe that little Snapchat ghost on the reg. 530 00:22:07,625 --> 00:22:10,083 - Oh, okay, uh... - Missy, look. Here's the thread. 531 00:22:10,166 --> 00:22:13,041 I use my vibrator all the time. 532 00:22:13,125 --> 00:22:16,000 To me, it just feels like a really nice scalp massage. 533 00:22:16,083 --> 00:22:18,208 Oh, a scalp massage. I get that. 534 00:22:18,291 --> 00:22:19,416 - You do? - Yeah. 535 00:22:19,500 --> 00:22:21,875 Scalp massages feel flipping amazing. 536 00:22:21,958 --> 00:22:25,541 Like, so satisfying, but not sexual either. 537 00:22:25,625 --> 00:22:29,333 Totally. There's a million ways to, like, feel pleasure. 538 00:22:29,416 --> 00:22:31,625 And a million ways to be asexual. 539 00:22:31,708 --> 00:22:35,375 Wow, I guess Reddit isn't as toxic as people say. 540 00:22:35,458 --> 00:22:38,333 There's something wrong with my Apple TV. 541 00:22:38,416 --> 00:22:40,166 Also, white genocide! 542 00:22:40,250 --> 00:22:42,083 Oh, fudge off! 543 00:22:42,166 --> 00:22:43,916 Well, aside from the rampant bigotry, 544 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,958 Reddit's actually pretty informational, huh? 545 00:22:46,041 --> 00:22:49,000 I could give you a scalp massage while you read it. 546 00:22:49,083 --> 00:22:53,041 I guess if you wanted to... Oh, shit. 547 00:22:53,125 --> 00:22:55,625 Oh shit. What does yellow mean again? 548 00:22:55,708 --> 00:22:57,208 Right letter, wrong spot. 549 00:22:57,291 --> 00:23:00,333 Oh, intuitive. Yeah, I'm definitely gonna cum. 550 00:23:00,416 --> 00:23:02,291 - [crickets chirping] - [groans] 551 00:23:02,375 --> 00:23:04,666 [inhales deeply, groans] 552 00:23:04,750 --> 00:23:05,958 Oh man. 553 00:23:06,041 --> 00:23:08,000 Hey, welcome back. 554 00:23:08,083 --> 00:23:10,500 Oh, I'm such a freak. 555 00:23:10,583 --> 00:23:14,250 I totally get it if you never wanna hang out with me again. 556 00:23:14,333 --> 00:23:18,083 Not gonna lie, you cosplaying as me was kinda weird. 557 00:23:18,166 --> 00:23:22,500 I know. It's just that you're such a goddess, 558 00:23:22,583 --> 00:23:25,000 and I'm, like, a little worm. 559 00:23:25,083 --> 00:23:29,416 And not even a cool tequila worm with sunglasses and a hat. 560 00:23:29,500 --> 00:23:34,541 I guess I just wanted to be more like you, 561 00:23:34,625 --> 00:23:37,000 you know, and just... and just less like me. 562 00:23:37,083 --> 00:23:38,375 But you're rad. 563 00:23:38,458 --> 00:23:42,291 You're smart and kind of mean, but, like, in a fun way. 564 00:23:42,375 --> 00:23:43,916 And not a worm at all. 565 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:45,583 Really? Not a worm at all? 566 00:23:45,666 --> 00:23:47,125 I'll take it. That's so nice. 567 00:23:47,208 --> 00:23:51,208 And all you had to do was lose enough blood to fill a Toyota. 568 00:23:51,291 --> 00:23:54,833 Yeah, I'm still kind of seeing, like, white spots. 569 00:23:54,916 --> 00:23:58,583 Come on, kid. You've only got 45 more minutes of study sprinting left. 570 00:23:58,666 --> 00:23:59,666 - [beeps] - Okay. 571 00:23:59,750 --> 00:24:02,375 I don't know, Petra. I could use a break. 572 00:24:02,458 --> 00:24:04,559 All right, listen. If you want a break from homework... 573 00:24:04,583 --> 00:24:07,250 - Yes? - ...you can research summer internships! 574 00:24:07,333 --> 00:24:08,875 - Okay. - Fun, right? 575 00:24:08,958 --> 00:24:10,791 - Connecticut! - Hmm. 576 00:24:10,875 --> 00:24:14,083 "Eight consulting firms that will hire children." 577 00:24:14,166 --> 00:24:16,083 - Why does my skin love Olay? - [Andrew gasps] 578 00:24:16,166 --> 00:24:20,208 Diane Lane, fresh out of the shower? 579 00:24:20,291 --> 00:24:22,375 Mmm, I don't miss Jay, 580 00:24:22,458 --> 00:24:25,250 - but maybe I miss who I was with Jay. - [gasps] 581 00:24:25,833 --> 00:24:27,750 - Maury? - Sh-sh-shut... shut up, shut up. 582 00:24:27,833 --> 00:24:29,791 I'm sensing something, uh... 583 00:24:29,875 --> 00:24:31,916 A chode awakens. 584 00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:34,583 Oh God. Go get him, I guess. 585 00:24:34,666 --> 00:24:37,375 Andrew! Andrew! 586 00:24:37,458 --> 00:24:39,541 No phthalates or parabens, 587 00:24:39,625 --> 00:24:41,458 - just pure hydration. - [Andrew moans] 588 00:24:41,541 --> 00:24:44,625 Yes, give your gorgeous face its medicine. 589 00:24:44,708 --> 00:24:46,583 Hey, you can skip the ad now. 590 00:24:46,666 --> 00:24:48,458 Skip the ad, Andrew. 591 00:24:48,541 --> 00:24:49,958 It's Diane Lane, isn't it? 592 00:24:50,041 --> 00:24:52,000 Maury, she's the new Olay lady... 593 00:24:52,083 --> 00:24:56,000 - Skip the ad. - ...and she's moisturizing her décolletage. 594 00:24:56,083 --> 00:24:58,833 Stop that. You're not a rancid little perv anymore. 595 00:24:58,916 --> 00:25:00,083 Remember, I fixed you. 596 00:25:00,166 --> 00:25:02,666 No, he is a perv, and damn it, 597 00:25:02,750 --> 00:25:04,583 - that's why I love him. - Really? 598 00:25:04,666 --> 00:25:07,291 I love you, Andrew Glouberman. 599 00:25:07,375 --> 00:25:12,416 I can't offer you success or quality of life like Petra can, 600 00:25:12,500 --> 00:25:14,500 but I can offer you this: 601 00:25:14,583 --> 00:25:21,250 jacking off right now to a low-res video of Diane Lane lotioning her calf. 602 00:25:21,333 --> 00:25:24,875 - Jesus Christ, did you say calf? - [Diane] And introducing Olay body butter. 603 00:25:24,958 --> 00:25:27,666 Stay strong, Andrew... Nah, he's already jerking it. 604 00:25:27,750 --> 00:25:30,333 You want body butter? You want body butter, famous lady? 605 00:25:30,416 --> 00:25:33,166 Yeah, that's my beautiful little creep! 606 00:25:33,250 --> 00:25:35,791 Oh my God, so much is about to come out. I feel crazy. 607 00:25:35,875 --> 00:25:38,875 Fuck this, I'm outta here! Jetpack up! 608 00:25:39,750 --> 00:25:42,125 Olay! 609 00:25:43,333 --> 00:25:45,041 - Oh, Maury. - Aww. 610 00:25:45,125 --> 00:25:47,791 - I just can't quit you. - Same here, cowboy. 611 00:25:47,875 --> 00:25:50,541 [Diane] Olay, love the skin you're in. 612 00:25:50,625 --> 00:25:52,750 - You said it, Diane Lane. - Oh, she wants it. 613 00:25:52,833 --> 00:25:54,541 I don't wanna see her after I've cum. 614 00:25:54,625 --> 00:25:59,291 ♪ 'Cause I'm just A teenage dirtbag, baby ♪ 615 00:25:59,375 --> 00:26:04,541 ♪ Yeah, I'm just a teenage dirtbag, baby ♪ 616 00:26:04,625 --> 00:26:10,500 ♪ Listen to Iron Maiden, baby, with me ♪ 617 00:26:11,083 --> 00:26:16,250 ♪ Ooh ♪ 618 00:26:16,333 --> 00:26:18,333 ["Teenage Dirtbag" by Wheatus playing] 619 00:26:25,791 --> 00:26:28,125 ♪ And her boyfriend's a dick ♪ 620 00:26:28,708 --> 00:26:31,000 ♪ And he brings a gun to school ♪ 621 00:26:31,083 --> 00:26:32,916 ♪ And he'd simply kick ♪ 622 00:26:33,500 --> 00:26:35,791 ♪ My ass if he knew the truth ♪ 623 00:26:35,875 --> 00:26:38,291 ♪ He lives on my block ♪ 624 00:26:38,375 --> 00:26:41,125 - ♪ And he drives an IROC... ♪ - [tires screech] 625 00:26:44,791 --> 00:26:45,791 Chirp.