[Maury] Wake up, Andy.
Andrew, sweetie, wake up!
Maury, Jesus. Why are you straddling me?
- I'm just so excited. - For the first day of high school?
- No. - Oh.
For you to stick your finger up Pumbaa's a-hole.
Oh God, I'm so fucked.
[inhales deeply]
♪ My name is Andrew Glouberman ♪
It means booger man in Yiddish.
♪ I'm a 13-year-old pervert ♪
♪ Who's gonna die On his first day of high school ♪
Possibly.
♪ My only hope is a finger in a butthole ♪
It's a good plan.
♪ His name is Andrew Glouberman ♪
Oh my.
♪ He's a 13-year-old pervert ♪
♪ Who's gonna die On his first day of high school ♪
♪ His only hope Is a finger in a butthole... ♪
Ladies and gentlemen, the Bridgeton High Quee-Choi.
♪ It's gonna be torturous ♪
♪ Thrilling and cruel ♪
♪ We're getting yanked out Of our comfort zone ♪
♪ We've graduated middle school ♪
♪ It's gonna be a whole new clusterfuck ♪
♪ Of excitement, pain, and fear ♪
♪ Yes, Big Mouth's going to high school ♪
♪ The day is finally here ♪
♪ Some will be cast out all alone Untethered from the pack ♪
♪ Scared and lonely ♪
♪ For some, it's just another chapter In a world hopeless and black ♪
♪ The world is black ♪
♪ While some are psyched to start anew Among the outcasts, freaks, and scum ♪
♪ Yes, Big Mouth's going to high school The future has begun ♪
♪ It means four long years Of stress and fear ♪
♪ For the shy and insecure ♪
♪ Accept the dread There's no turning back now ♪
♪ Can't turn back now ♪
♪ We're gonna throw away the drab passé ♪
♪ For ninth grade haute couture ♪
♪ It's a vicious dog-eat-dog buffet And this bitch is gonna chow ♪
♪ They're gonna draw Some brand-new backgrounds ♪
♪ Might even give us boobs and beards ♪
♪ Yes, we're headed off To an unknown fate ♪
♪ We might not live to graduate ♪
♪ But the Big Mouth kids Are moving up to high school ♪
♪ Right after you skip the intro ♪
["Changes" by Charles Bradley playing]
♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪
[songs fades]
- [school bell rings] - [Jessi] Oof.
First day of high school, guys. Now everything we do actually counts.
[laughs] You hear that, Andrew?
When you snake your little finger up Pumbaa's butthole,
it's going on your permanent record.
I gotta say, this finger plan sounds like a terrible idea.
- I have no other choice, do I, Jessi? - Whoa.
To save my life,
I must slowly jam my tiny pointer up another school boy's rectum.
No other choice.
Uh, why not just apologize to Timon for touching her boobs?
Apologize? What for? It was an accident.
That doesn't mean it wasn't harmful, Andrew.
Sometimes people just need to hear you're sorry.
Uh, no. Apologies are for cucks and socialists.
[groans] Stop quoting your...
I will never stop quoting my dad's law commercials!
- Uh, Missy? What's going on in there? - [Missy groaning]
You're gonna be late for your first day of school.
- Ow! - Oh my goodness, are you okay?
No, I'm... I'm really sick.
- I don't think I can go to school today. - Really? What's wrong?
Oh, just don't look in the toilet, please. For your own well-being.
Oh, misery me! A bloody doody?
Holy cow!
Dread, it's working! The V8 and carob are fooling them!
Yes, you're fortunate your parents are morons.
Okay, I'll go call the school.
No, Monica, wait.
I call an emergency Council of Parents.
Council recognized.
I think Missy's malingering.
I smell eight different veggies and some delicious carob in that toilet.
But Missy loves school.
She cried when we told her what a summer vacation was.
But she's in high school now. Our little baby is slipping away from us.
Oh, Cyrus, that won't happen.
It's already happening!
First, she lies, then runs away.
Next thing you know, she's zonked out on nose candy,
doing the bum nasty in her sugar daddy's Bugatti.
- A Bugatti? - Just for another score!
What do we do, Cyrus?
We get the truth, dammit!
Missy, if you're that sick, then I think we should go to the doctor.
Oh, uh...
Double down, Missy. Heed me or they'll send you to school.
Of course, the doctor,
because I'm so... oh, very ill.
Yes, I'm quite concerned about you because of that big, bloody doody.
Yes, it really hurt when it came out of my butt.
Oh, I'm sure it did,
because it was so bloody and so big.
[Diane] It's okay to be nervous, Nicky.
It's a new school, with wealthy, attractive children.
I'm not nervous, Mom. So just go do whatever it is you do all day.
All right, first day of high school!
Hold on. Where's Andrew and Jessi and Jay's mom's son Jay?
They're not here, Rick, because I'm going to a new school without them.
Oh God. You don't know anyone here. You must be so nervous!
I'm not nervous! I know Danni, so... Look, there she is.
Hey, girl, hey. [chuckles] First day wackiness, right?
Oh, yeah. Hi, Nick.
So, uh, what are you guys, uh, talking about?
- What's the chit? What's the chat? - Uh...
Travis had a pool party this weekend.
Pool party! Nice.
You know what would be pretty cool in the pool?
If you filled the entire thing with Sprite.
- Right? - Yeah.
'Cause then you could drink it, but then also you could just drink it or...
- Totally. - Oh my God.
- You could drink your pool. - Yikes.
[awkward chuckling]
Uh, look, Nick. This is really awkward, but I don't think we can hang out anymore.
Oh... kay.
It's just, with the weird hookup, and the Travis element,
- and the whole Sprite pool thing. - Oh yeah.
Yeah, no. the Sprite pool thing was a pretty big fuck-up. I see that now.
Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm 15, and I don't know how to do this, so, bye.
Fuck.
[school bell rings]
Okay, guys, Pumbaa could be anywhere.
Whatever you do, do not leave my side.
Hey, Jess! Over here!
- Hi, Leah! - Ah! My side has been left!
All right. Hanging with the popular girls!
We're gonna be knee-high in cock pie before we know it.
Loving your first day fit, Jessi. Is that Zara?
Oh, God, no. I don't buy fast fashion,
you know, because of child labor and climate change.
- Okay, bummer. - Someone's got a paper straw up their ass.
- Literally. - [laughter]
Oh no, Jessi! You're being unlikable!
I'm just being myself.
Well, stop that! It sucks!
- 'Sup, Jess? - Oh, hey, Lulu.
Um, hold up.
Wasn't Lulu like a raging asshole to you?
Oh, uh, I guess she was, but...
She's like a total burnout.
She just gets high all the time and, like, doesn't even shave her bush.
Oh my God, it's like, we get it. You're political. Whatever.
- Hey! Andrew Glouberman! - [ominous music playing]
- Oh fuck. - You want your first punch
in your shitty face or in your little pussy?
I guess pussy? I don't know!
Ow!
- Fuck him up, baby! - Crush his pussy!
Ooh-ooh-ooh, it's happening! Time to stick your fingy in his thingy.
Here goes nothing.
Hashem, don't fail me now.
Pumbaa! Put him down right now.
Oh, thank you, grown-up!
No killing each other until after school,
when all the teachers have cleared the faculty parking lot.
- What? - At 3:05 p.m.,
I'm gonna kill you and lay your carcass at your mom's bedside.
- Later, booger man. - Oh, look at that, he speaks Yiddish.
Oy vey iz mir.
I pretty much looked everywhere. I can't find anything wrong.
Oh, but the pain, Doctor.
[exaggerated groan]
Okay, I'm just gonna say what we're all thinking.
- It's cancer! - [Monica gasps]
You are a smoker, right?
No! Missy's never even had smoked turkey.
As far as we know.
You have insurance, I gotta pay off a brand-new inflatable hot tub.
- Let's get this party started! - Wait, what?
Blood work, CT scan, MRI, colonoscopy, you name it.
Is all that necessary?
Well, you're really sick, right, Missy?
Uh, r-right, right.
- Are you willing to pinky swear on it? - [ominous music playing]
I can't do it.
In our secular home, a pinky swear is sacred.
But you must. Otherwise, you will be forced to go to school.
So, heed me!
Okay, I'll heed you, for fluff's sake.
Give me that fat little pinky, old man.
Fred and Wilma, Sonny and Cher,
- I hereby make a pinky swear! - [thunder crashes]
[Jourdan] Okay, okay. So he's a ten,
but he has a Samsung Galaxy.
- Ew, six. I can't get a green text. - [laughter]
- What are you, my dad? - Totally.
Connie, are these girls kind of basic?
Yeah, Leah's cool, but her friends are not good.
But I guess this is my group now?
I mean, Matthew's got the Quee-Choi, Jay's got his basement dwellers.
And Lola's sitting at the 21 Jump Street table?
All right, all right. What if she's a ten, but she don't like Billy Joel?
- Two. - Ooh, zero.
She sounds like an uptown bitch.
Okay, see, now, that's more my vibe.
- The weed people? - Well, Lulu and her friends.
I don't know, Lola's crew seems pretty young and hip.
Hey, Lola, teen to teen,
how come my wife and me ain't had no sex since Easter?
[panicked breaths] How did I get here?
When did my life go so fucking wrong?
Who cares? How do we get out of this mess before your pussy gets punched?
So many poor choices. Perverted mistakes.
Now I'm never gonna get eaten out in Tuscany.
- Ow! - Don't you dare say that!
Oh God. [groans]
I think I'm gonna barf.
Okay, I feel better now having some of it...
[retching]
Jesus, Andrew. When did you eat a grown man?
Ah!
What the fuck?
Who the hell is this guy?
I'm you from the future.
Oh my God, I look terrible in the future.
No, no, not you.
I'm him.
Oh, phew.
I really dodged a bullet there, huh, Andrew? [chuckles]
[laughter]
Oh my God, Trav.
Oh, I'm such a fucking loser.
Oh, it's so hard to fit in at a new school, isn't it?
I'm... I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm the librarian, sweetheart.
Ms. Cornhill.
I saw you here all alone,
so gentle, so sad.
Yeah, it's been a... it's been a pretty tough first day.
I know, love. I know.
Why don't you come with me? I've got just the place for ya.
- Really? - Yes. Take my trembling, ice-cold hand,
and feel how paper-thin my skin is.
Okay, yeah.
I'm on blood thinners.
Don't believe me? Look, it's right here on the left foot.
A wart that looks just like...
A young Tom Colicchio.
He's me, Maury. He's definitely me.
Okay, so... so why are you here?
- Because of this. - Oh God.
On this very day, at 3:09 p.m.,
the boy, Pumbaa,
snapped off this finger with a flex of his sphincter.
My fingy? His sphincty?
There's more! Shut up!
It sets off a catastrophic chain of events
that ruins our already rotten life forever.
- But I'm fine, right? - Maury, let him finish!
You'll become a pariah known as "Little Boy Stink Finger."
Oh God.
You are a penniless, unloved,
chode-having, 80-year-old virgin!
No!
But... But wait, why didn't you go back to before I grabbed Timon's boobs?
You know, before I was completely fucked?
Uh, maybe 'cause I'm an idiot?
Oh, of course you are. You're me.
Goddamn it! Now I gotta go back again.
This fucking time machine.
Wait, wait, I wanna come too!
Ah! Get off of me!
Oh, come on! Sixty-eight dollars at Costco Optical, ruined.
[retching]
I just came out of my own guts.
What the hell? Are you me?
- Move out of the way, dumbass! - [grunts]
[suspenseful music playing]
Oh, this rocks.
Ew! You fucking creep!
Hey! Get your fucking hands off my girlfriend's tits!
- We did it! - Yes!
He's gonna kill Lump now instead of me.
We fixed history!
We could have gone anywhere in time, and this is what we did.
No, it can't be! My fingy should've grown back.
So, uh, we didn't change anything?
So this must not be the moment where my life went off the rails.
- No shit. You're way too late. - Fuck!
Our life went off the rails when...
All right, I'm gonna yoidle my doidle for Zayde.
- [retching] - Aah!
- Dead Zayde! - What the... Who are all you me's?
- We're you. - From the future.
Oh, so that's what this is.
It's like a sci-fi, time travel thingy with a whole bunch of Andrews.
I was like, "Where are the going with this?"
Very cool, very cool. Well, that's exciting.
[sighs]
Hey, what up, weed people?
Anybody got some, uh, green for mama? [chuckles]
Sorry, are you "mama"?
Um, yes. [chuckles] In this scenario, I am mama.
- [laughter] - Yes.
Well, okay, mama.
Thanks. It's, uh, been kind of a rough first day.
- Yeah, school sucks. - Everyone's an idiot.
My bio teacher says global warming is a coincidence.
[inhales] Yikes.
He probably believes in clean coal too.
It's like my man Camus says, "People suck."
Oh my God, Connie. Camus boy is a fucking dreamboat.
And he's a bummer, just like you!
So, like, why were you hanging out with those dumb fucking girls earlier?
Yeah, you should be chilling with us.
- Really? - Yeah, dude.
- Totally. - All you need is an army jacket.
Looks pretty cool, right?
Hey, you think the soldier who wore that before you is dead?
- I don't wanna think about that. - Yeah, let's just forget about that guy.
[doctor] Unfortunately, folks,
my accountant is gonna be unhappy to learn that you are in perfect health, Missy.
Really? That is so strange because the pain is so intense. Ooh!
Wow.
Someone call Cecil B. DeMille
because I think we found the new Viola Davis.
Dad, wh-what... what do you mean?
Enough with this Oscar Mayer, bibble-babble bologna!
Admit it! You aren't sick at all!
Cyrus!
- Don't fold, Missy. Heed me. - [ominous music playing]
Dad, please.
You're a punk teen,
and you lied to get out of school because you think you're hot S!
I am not hot S.
- Admit it! You lied! - No!
You made a mockery of the pinky swear!
Stay strong!
All right! I lied, okay?
But it's not because... because I'm a "punk teen."
It's because I'm scared of high school, Daddy.
No! What are you doing?
Oh, Missy.
I'm scared to be a little fish in a big pond
filled with flesh-eating bacteria.
- Oh golly, Missy. I'm scared too. - Really?
Yes! I'm scared to lose you!
I-I don't want you to go off to a big school
where you grow up too fast and forget us.
Oh, I would never forget about you, Dad.
- No! - Oh, I'm so sorry, Missy.
Oh, me too.
I hate it when children feel better.
It fucks with the whole thing I'm trying to do.
[Missy and Cyrus sigh]
- [boy whimpering, sobbing] - Um, Ms. Cornhill, what is this?
This is the Sad Boys Club.
Say hello, puppies.
- Hi. - Ms. Cornhill, my seat is wet again.
Not now, Myron! Come here, boys.
Feed me pistachios and comb my very long hair.
- I will feed you. - I will comb you.
[sobbing]
Jesus, Rick, am I like these kids?
Am... Am I that sad and pathetic?
Circle of trust? Big time.
Um, Ms. Cornhill, I have a tree nut allergy,
so I-I can't feed you pistachios.
Very well. You may pumice the calluses on the balls of my feet, Andrew.
Andrew? Oh my God, that was my best friend's name in middle school.
Cool. My best friend's name was Edgar Ramos. Is that your name?
Oh, no, but it's pretty close. It's actually Nick Birch.
Well, enchanté, Nick.
I-I mean, "hi."
- I'm not French, or smart. - Me neither!
Children, come now.
My tootsies remain heavy with skin.
- Ew. - That's terrible.
- [Andrew 1] Wait. Okay. - [Andrew 2] Wait.
What makes you all think this is the moment
when my life went wrong?
You were masturbating in front of your dead grandfather.
But in his defense, his cousin was making him very horny.
Oh, who gives a shit? My fingy still got assholed.
Oh God, we need to go back even farther.
Do not pull Lars out of that wheelchair!
It fucks up our entire life.
Fine. But can we all agree he can probably walk?
- Of course he can. - The boy is a fraud.
He can fucking run.
I gotta put my hand up and say, I disagree with all of you.
Fuck! No fingy.
Stop it!
- You are in public. - This is Trolls World Tour.
Come on, get the dick!
- Stop! - Do not jerk off to Leah's bathing suit.
This is the right hand, right?
- Fuck. - How far back do we need to go?
Shut up, guys. Shut up.
We need to go back to the very beginning.
[gasps] Dinosaur Andrew?
No, no, no, goddamn it.
That fateful day that changed everything.
- Oh God, this feels incredible. - [epic music playing]
I think I've invented something new and fun.
I'm gonna be rich!
- [retching] - Wait!
- Don't finish, you sicko! - Stop!
What the fuck?
I thought something was gonna come out of my penis.
[screams]
Shit! No finger!
Goddamn it!
We're never gonna figure out when things went wrong.
All you past Andrews fucked me.
You all ruined my life.
What about my life?
I'm 80 years old,
and my penis has never known the heat of a woman.
- Fuck you, old man! - You fucking pervert!
- I refuse to pay for it! - Enough! All of you, shut the fuck up!
Don't you see, Andrews?
It doesn't matter when your life turned to shit
or who is to blame.
All that matters is what you do right now,
in the present.
Maury, I... I think you might actually be right.
I know I'm right.
So let's all pull out our dicks and do a,
one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight-way, all-Andrew circle-jerk, baby!
What? No. No, not that.
Guys, put 'em away.
- Fuck you. - Put them away.
I meant, I can't change the past,
so I should go back to the present and do the right thing:
apologize to Timon.
Eh, I like my idea better.
Come on, elderly me. Let's go make this right.
I, personally, am gonna stay here, wherever we are, and do the circle jerk.
- Yeah. - Let's try it.
Ugh, Jesus. Maybe I don't deserve a finger.
Oh well, time to do the right thing.
[laughter]
Jessi, what's with the jacket?
Oh, do you like it? It's from, um, the Iraq War.
- Ugh, one of my least faves. - That's hilarious.
Why is the Iraq War so funny right now? [laughing]
Oh my God. Jessi, are you high?
- What are you, her mother? - No, I just care about my friend.
- Dang! They're fighting over you, Jessi. - Whoa.
- Holy shit. - You gotta choose a crew!
Are you with the burnouts or the basic bitches, baby?
- Leah? - Yeah?
This is high school, and everything counts now,
so I need to make the right choice...
Okay.
♪...and smoke weed every day ♪
Are you serious?
- Yes, mama. - Holy shit.
Come on, Jessi. Let's go hotbox my Mazda.
Zoom-zoom, fuckers!
[laughs]
- [alarm rings] - It is 3:05 p.m.
- Time for the scheduled violence. - [all cheer]
[student] Fight!
Ugh, the thought of Andrew getting the shit kicked out of him
is really harshing my buzz.
Yeah. I'm so worried I'm gonna laugh, or be like, "Yes, I love this!"
It's okay, my friends.
Though I may perish today,
I shall face my killer head on.
Just run, Andrew.
No, I've got to do this.
All right, everybody.
Who's ready to see this tit-grabbing creep die?
- [Lola] Yas, Pumbaa! - Murder!
Andrew, I-I made it.
I thought, if this is really the end, then I should be here.
Thank you, Maury. I love you.
Ah, hey, that's great, man.
- Give me a kiss for good luck, baby. - I don't need luck.
- I need your hard tongue in my mouth. - [both moan]
Uh, Pumbaa, before you destroy me, there's something I have to say.
Oh yeah? You wanna beg me for your life, you little slob?
Actually, it's not to you. It's to Timon.
- What? - Timon, I... I apologize.
Touching you was an accident,
but that doesn't mean it didn't impact you,
and I'm very sorry.
Wow, thank you. That means a lot.
Holy shit, Andrew. Good for you.
You see, guys, I looked inside myself and learned that what matters is...
- [Pumbaa grunts] - [Jay] Yes! I love this!
Pretend my hand's a dick and suck it.
Do it, Andrew! Suck it!
[Ms. Cornhill] Oh, yes.
This is crazy, right?
I think this foot is dead.
It's freezing cold.
- Mine is scalding hot. - What is going on here?
Puppies? You forget yourselves. There's no giggling in the Sad Boys Club.
You know, Andrew, now that we've found each other,
I'm not so sure that we are Sad Boys.
I mean, I'm a nauseous boy, maybe, but I'm not sad.
- Should we get outta here? - Absolutely.
Uh, Ms. Cornhill, it turns out, we're actually happy boys.
- Proud boys, even. - Uh, be careful there, Andrew.
Yeah, ooh. [chuckles]
- Right. I'm sorry. We should go. - Yeah.
How dare you. Sad Boys never leave!
It's true.
You'll be back.
I swear on my freezing cold foot,
you'll be back!
- [Andrew groans] - Andrew?
Are you okay?
What happened? Was my apology accepted?
Uh, no, honey. You shit the proverbial bed.
And by the bed, I mean your pants.
They had the janitor hose you down. Everybody filmed it.
But you did apologize to Timon, and that was refreshing.
Oh yeah. So, do people like me now?
Well, they hate you slightly less.
Really? That's huge for me. That's great.
Oh, and look, elderly Andrew has his finger back.
Thank you, Andrew.
I can't wait to fish a pickle out of a jar.
You get that pickle, Future Andrew.
Okay, I think we need to take him to the hospital?
I'm very proud of you, buddy.
From now on, I'm gonna live in the present
and be accountable for my actions.
Speaking of your actions,
the circle jerk got out of hand very quickly.
Oh, I bet, sure. Can you elaborate?
Let's put it this way, you're now your own grandpa.
Mazel tov.
[birds chirping]
- Missy? - Yeah?
We understand you're frightened, but you have to go to school.
- I just don't think I can do it. - Well, what if we tried homeschooling?
- Really? - Cyrus!
The public school system is failing its students. True, Missy?
Uh, totally. Testing's biased, funding's down,
a, uh, Kaiju could step on the school.
A Kaiju?
- A giant monster! A Godzilla, Monica! - Yeah!
Plus, here at home, she has two of her very own tenured professors.
You're an adjunct, Cyrus.
And what about socialization? Her friends?
We'll be her friends.
Monica, she's growing up so fast.
I miss her cute overalls and her... her headband.
Oh, me too. Me too.
- Please? - Well, I suppose it could work.
- Temporarily. - Yes!
Temporarily, forever, you name it.
It's decided. Missy, you're getting homeschooled!
Really? Oh, thank you, Daddy!
Thank you, Daddy. [laughs]
That's what I said when I saw Willem Dafoe naked in a Gap fitting room.
Mona! You're back!
And you look so much happier, my darling.
I'm gonna be homeschooled!
What? You're gonna be stuck at home without any boys or other kids?
Uh, I guess I didn't think about that part.
Well, for fuck's sake, who's gonna fingerbang you now?
The Amazon delivery guy?
Oh God! We have zero chemistry!
[crickets chirping]
[keyboard clacking]
Nick, you'll never believe what happened at free public school today.
Holy shit, your face.
So I barfed up my old future self,
and he was like, "Don't do a sphincter finger,"
then we barfed up all these other Andrews, there was a big circle jerk...
All right. Now, I am ready for that snack.
Uh, who the fuck is this?
Oh, uh, Andrew,
this is my new friend from Cobblestones who's also named Andrew.
[Western music playing]
- So, uh, I hear your name's Andrew. - That's what my mommy calls me.
Well, she sounds like a big old bitch to me.
- Fellas, please. - Stay out of this, sweetie.
Other Andrew, I think I speak for everyone when I say,
time to fuck off.
Actually, I'm quite comfortable here.
In fact, I just took a shit in your boy's bathroom.
Oh, please. I've taken tons of shits in there.
Call me when you clog it.
Ring-ring. Clogged it, bitch.
[gasps]
Goddamn it, this guy's good.
And he's gonna be spending every second of every day with Nick.
He's gonna steal my little man.
Maybe. We'll just have to wait to find out what happens next season.
Wait, what?! This is the end of the season?
- Yeah. - No! No, no, no!
Don't go to credits. I wanna know what's gonna happen.
["Andrew" by Ryann playing]
[Andrew] I gotta wait a full fucking year to find out about this shit?
We just started high school.
Oh, fuck you. This is bullshit.
Fuck this fucking shit. John Mulaney, Consulting Producer?
Wow, he must have great reps.
What do we do, ten a year? What the fuck?
My friend worked on Raymond. They did 22.
Okay, fuck you. This is bullshit.
It can't end like this. No.
Do not start counting down to a different show.
Do not start counting down to Ozarks.
Fuck everyone else. Fuck this. Fuck!
♪ Andrew, there's more I could say But it's ♪
♪ Finally fading away ♪
♪ I don't hate you ♪ No, not at all
♪ But don't write me 'Cause I won't respond ♪
Fuck all of you.
Chirp.