1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:08,458
[Maury] Wake up, Andy.
2
00:00:08,541 --> 00:00:11,166
Andrew, sweetie, wake up!
3
00:00:11,250 --> 00:00:13,708
Maury, Jesus. Why are you straddling me?
4
00:00:13,791 --> 00:00:16,833
- I'm just so excited.
- For the first day of high school?
5
00:00:16,916 --> 00:00:17,833
- No.
- Oh.
6
00:00:17,916 --> 00:00:20,083
For you to stick your finger
up Pumbaa's a-hole.
7
00:00:20,166 --> 00:00:23,416
Oh God, I'm so fucked.
8
00:00:23,500 --> 00:00:24,625
[inhales deeply]
9
00:00:24,708 --> 00:00:28,791
♪ My name is Andrew Glouberman ♪
10
00:00:28,875 --> 00:00:31,000
It means booger man in Yiddish.
11
00:00:31,541 --> 00:00:33,916
♪ I'm a 13-year-old pervert ♪
12
00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:37,666
♪ Who's gonna die
On his first day of high school ♪
13
00:00:37,750 --> 00:00:38,583
Possibly.
14
00:00:38,666 --> 00:00:43,500
♪ My only hope is a finger in a butthole ♪
15
00:00:43,583 --> 00:00:44,833
It's a good plan.
16
00:00:44,916 --> 00:00:46,291
♪ His name is Andrew Glouberman ♪
17
00:00:46,375 --> 00:00:47,208
Oh my.
18
00:00:47,291 --> 00:00:49,083
♪ He's a 13-year-old pervert ♪
19
00:00:49,166 --> 00:00:53,916
♪ Who's gonna die
On his first day of high school ♪
20
00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:57,875
♪ His only hope
Is a finger in a butthole... ♪
21
00:00:57,958 --> 00:01:01,958
Ladies and gentlemen,
the Bridgeton High Quee-Choi.
22
00:01:02,041 --> 00:01:04,291
♪ It's gonna be torturous ♪
23
00:01:04,375 --> 00:01:06,791
♪ Thrilling and cruel ♪
24
00:01:06,875 --> 00:01:09,666
♪ We're getting yanked out
Of our comfort zone ♪
25
00:01:09,750 --> 00:01:12,125
♪ We've graduated middle school ♪
26
00:01:12,208 --> 00:01:14,500
♪ It's gonna be a whole new clusterfuck ♪
27
00:01:14,583 --> 00:01:17,041
♪ Of excitement, pain, and fear ♪
28
00:01:17,125 --> 00:01:19,791
♪ Yes, Big Mouth's going to high school ♪
29
00:01:19,875 --> 00:01:21,916
♪ The day is finally here ♪
30
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:26,083
♪ Some will be cast out all alone
Untethered from the pack ♪
31
00:01:26,166 --> 00:01:27,375
♪ Scared and lonely ♪
32
00:01:27,458 --> 00:01:31,083
♪ For some, it's just another chapter
In a world hopeless and black ♪
33
00:01:31,166 --> 00:01:32,083
♪ The world is black ♪
34
00:01:32,166 --> 00:01:37,041
♪ While some are psyched to start anew
Among the outcasts, freaks, and scum ♪
35
00:01:37,125 --> 00:01:41,833
♪ Yes, Big Mouth's going to high school
The future has begun ♪
36
00:01:41,916 --> 00:01:44,500
♪ It means four long years
Of stress and fear ♪
37
00:01:44,583 --> 00:01:46,791
♪ For the shy and insecure ♪
38
00:01:46,875 --> 00:01:50,250
♪ Accept the dread
There's no turning back now ♪
39
00:01:50,333 --> 00:01:51,750
♪ Can't turn back now ♪
40
00:01:51,833 --> 00:01:54,250
♪ We're gonna throw away the drab passé ♪
41
00:01:54,333 --> 00:01:56,500
♪ For ninth grade haute couture ♪
42
00:01:56,583 --> 00:02:01,666
♪ It's a vicious dog-eat-dog buffet
And this bitch is gonna chow ♪
43
00:02:01,750 --> 00:02:04,083
♪ They're gonna draw
Some brand-new backgrounds ♪
44
00:02:04,166 --> 00:02:06,625
{\an8}♪ Might even give us boobs and beards ♪
45
00:02:06,708 --> 00:02:09,416
♪ Yes, we're headed off
To an unknown fate ♪
46
00:02:09,500 --> 00:02:11,500
♪ We might not live to graduate ♪
47
00:02:11,583 --> 00:02:16,916
♪ But the Big Mouth kids
Are moving up to high school ♪
48
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:19,791
♪ Right after you skip the intro ♪
49
00:02:19,875 --> 00:02:26,125
♪ Right after you skip the intro ♪
50
00:02:26,208 --> 00:02:28,416
{\an8}["Changes" by Charles Bradley playing]
51
00:02:28,500 --> 00:02:33,958
{\an8}♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪
52
00:02:37,875 --> 00:02:43,625
{\an8}♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪
53
00:02:44,125 --> 00:02:44,958
{\an8}♪ Oh ♪
54
00:02:45,041 --> 00:02:46,333
{\an8}♪ In my life ♪
55
00:02:47,750 --> 00:02:50,750
{\an8}♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪
56
00:02:55,625 --> 00:02:56,625
[songs fades]
57
00:02:59,416 --> 00:03:00,958
{\an8}- [school bell rings]
- [Jessi] Oof.
58
00:03:01,041 --> 00:03:04,333
{\an8}First day of high school, guys.
Now everything we do actually counts.
59
00:03:04,416 --> 00:03:06,083
{\an8}[laughs] You hear that, Andrew?
60
00:03:06,166 --> 00:03:09,916
{\an8}When you snake your little finger
up Pumbaa's butthole,
61
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:12,041
it's going on your permanent record.
62
00:03:12,125 --> 00:03:15,708
I gotta say, this finger plan
sounds like a terrible idea.
63
00:03:15,791 --> 00:03:18,000
- I have no other choice, do I, Jessi?
- Whoa.
64
00:03:18,083 --> 00:03:18,958
To save my life,
65
00:03:19,041 --> 00:03:22,666
I must slowly jam my tiny pointer
up another school boy's rectum.
66
00:03:22,750 --> 00:03:24,000
No other choice.
67
00:03:24,083 --> 00:03:28,375
Uh, why not just apologize to Timon
for touching her boobs?
68
00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:30,958
Apologize? What for? It was an accident.
69
00:03:31,041 --> 00:03:33,000
That doesn't mean
it wasn't harmful, Andrew.
70
00:03:33,083 --> 00:03:35,375
Sometimes people
just need to hear you're sorry.
71
00:03:35,458 --> 00:03:39,500
Uh, no. Apologies are
for cucks and socialists.
72
00:03:39,583 --> 00:03:41,083
[groans] Stop quoting your...
73
00:03:41,166 --> 00:03:44,791
I will never stop quoting
my dad's law commercials!
74
00:03:44,875 --> 00:03:47,666
- Uh, Missy? What's going on in there?
- [Missy groaning]
75
00:03:47,750 --> 00:03:50,375
You're gonna be late
for your first day of school.
76
00:03:50,458 --> 00:03:52,250
- Ow!
- Oh my goodness, are you okay?
77
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:54,208
No, I'm... I'm really sick.
78
00:03:54,291 --> 00:03:57,583
- I don't think I can go to school today.
- Really? What's wrong?
79
00:03:57,666 --> 00:04:01,541
Oh, just don't look in the toilet, please.
For your own well-being.
80
00:04:01,625 --> 00:04:05,000
Oh, misery me! A bloody doody?
81
00:04:05,083 --> 00:04:06,375
Holy cow!
82
00:04:06,458 --> 00:04:09,666
Dread, it's working!
The V8 and carob are fooling them!
83
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:12,666
Yes, you're fortunate
your parents are morons.
84
00:04:12,750 --> 00:04:14,416
Okay, I'll go call the school.
85
00:04:14,500 --> 00:04:15,791
No, Monica, wait.
86
00:04:15,875 --> 00:04:19,041
I call an emergency Council of Parents.
87
00:04:19,125 --> 00:04:20,333
Council recognized.
88
00:04:20,416 --> 00:04:22,708
I think Missy's malingering.
89
00:04:22,791 --> 00:04:25,916
I smell eight different veggies
and some delicious carob in that toilet.
90
00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:27,666
But Missy loves school.
91
00:04:27,750 --> 00:04:30,375
She cried when we told her
what a summer vacation was.
92
00:04:30,458 --> 00:04:34,958
But she's in high school now.
Our little baby is slipping away from us.
93
00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:36,791
Oh, Cyrus, that won't happen.
94
00:04:36,875 --> 00:04:39,208
It's already happening!
95
00:04:39,291 --> 00:04:41,375
First, she lies, then runs away.
96
00:04:41,458 --> 00:04:44,250
Next thing you know,
she's zonked out on nose candy,
97
00:04:44,333 --> 00:04:47,791
doing the bum nasty
in her sugar daddy's Bugatti.
98
00:04:47,875 --> 00:04:50,708
- A Bugatti?
- Just for another score!
99
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,208
What do we do, Cyrus?
100
00:04:52,291 --> 00:04:54,791
We get the truth, dammit!
101
00:04:54,875 --> 00:04:59,375
Missy, if you're that sick,
then I think we should go to the doctor.
102
00:04:59,458 --> 00:05:00,666
Oh, uh...
103
00:05:00,750 --> 00:05:04,541
Double down, Missy.
Heed me or they'll send you to school.
104
00:05:04,625 --> 00:05:06,416
Of course, the doctor,
105
00:05:06,500 --> 00:05:09,625
because I'm so... oh, very ill.
106
00:05:09,708 --> 00:05:15,750
Yes, I'm quite concerned about you
because of that big, bloody doody.
107
00:05:15,833 --> 00:05:20,750
Yes, it really hurt
when it came out of my butt.
108
00:05:20,833 --> 00:05:23,250
Oh, I'm sure it did,
109
00:05:23,333 --> 00:05:26,125
because it was so bloody and so big.
110
00:05:26,208 --> 00:05:28,916
[Diane] It's okay to be nervous, Nicky.
111
00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:32,083
It's a new school,
with wealthy, attractive children.
112
00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:36,125
I'm not nervous, Mom. So just go do
whatever it is you do all day.
113
00:05:36,750 --> 00:05:39,666
All right, first day of high school!
114
00:05:39,750 --> 00:05:43,500
Hold on. Where's Andrew and Jessi
and Jay's mom's son Jay?
115
00:05:43,583 --> 00:05:46,708
They're not here, Rick, because I'm going
to a new school without them.
116
00:05:46,791 --> 00:05:50,250
Oh God. You don't know anyone here.
You must be so nervous!
117
00:05:50,333 --> 00:05:54,250
I'm not nervous! I know Danni, so...
Look, there she is.
118
00:05:54,333 --> 00:05:57,625
Hey, girl, hey. [chuckles]
First day wackiness, right?
119
00:05:57,708 --> 00:05:59,291
Oh, yeah. Hi, Nick.
120
00:05:59,375 --> 00:06:02,208
So, uh, what are you guys,
uh, talking about?
121
00:06:02,291 --> 00:06:04,708
- What's the chit? What's the chat?
- Uh...
122
00:06:04,791 --> 00:06:07,458
Travis had a pool party this weekend.
123
00:06:07,541 --> 00:06:09,666
Pool party! Nice.
124
00:06:09,750 --> 00:06:12,000
You know what would be
pretty cool in the pool?
125
00:06:12,083 --> 00:06:14,500
If you filled
the entire thing with Sprite.
126
00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:15,875
- Right?
- Yeah.
127
00:06:15,958 --> 00:06:20,541
'Cause then you could drink it,
but then also you could just drink it or...
128
00:06:20,625 --> 00:06:21,500
- Totally.
- Oh my God.
129
00:06:21,583 --> 00:06:23,208
- You could drink your pool.
- Yikes.
130
00:06:23,291 --> 00:06:24,333
[awkward chuckling]
131
00:06:24,416 --> 00:06:29,250
Uh, look, Nick. This is really awkward,
but I don't think we can hang out anymore.
132
00:06:29,333 --> 00:06:30,375
Oh... kay.
133
00:06:30,458 --> 00:06:33,375
It's just, with the weird hookup,
and the Travis element,
134
00:06:33,458 --> 00:06:35,184
- and the whole Sprite pool thing.
- Oh yeah.
135
00:06:35,208 --> 00:06:38,750
Yeah, no. the Sprite pool thing
was a pretty big fuck-up. I see that now.
136
00:06:38,833 --> 00:06:44,708
Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm 15,
and I don't know how to do this, so, bye.
137
00:06:45,416 --> 00:06:46,875
Fuck.
138
00:06:46,958 --> 00:06:48,208
[school bell rings]
139
00:06:48,291 --> 00:06:50,500
Okay, guys, Pumbaa could be anywhere.
140
00:06:50,583 --> 00:06:53,250
Whatever you do, do not leave my side.
141
00:06:53,333 --> 00:06:54,791
Hey, Jess! Over here!
142
00:06:54,875 --> 00:06:56,666
- Hi, Leah!
- Ah! My side has been left!
143
00:06:56,750 --> 00:07:00,208
All right. Hanging with the popular girls!
144
00:07:00,291 --> 00:07:03,458
We're gonna be knee-high in cock pie
before we know it.
145
00:07:03,541 --> 00:07:06,375
Loving your first day fit, Jessi.
Is that Zara?
146
00:07:06,458 --> 00:07:08,916
Oh, God, no. I don't buy fast fashion,
147
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:11,375
you know, because of child labor
and climate change.
148
00:07:11,458 --> 00:07:14,208
- Okay, bummer.
- Someone's got a paper straw up their ass.
149
00:07:14,291 --> 00:07:15,166
- Literally.
- [laughter]
150
00:07:15,250 --> 00:07:17,166
Oh no, Jessi! You're being unlikable!
151
00:07:17,250 --> 00:07:18,875
I'm just being myself.
152
00:07:18,958 --> 00:07:21,291
Well, stop that! It sucks!
153
00:07:21,375 --> 00:07:23,083
- 'Sup, Jess?
- Oh, hey, Lulu.
154
00:07:23,166 --> 00:07:24,500
Um, hold up.
155
00:07:24,583 --> 00:07:27,125
Wasn't Lulu like a raging asshole to you?
156
00:07:27,208 --> 00:07:29,333
Oh, uh, I guess she was, but...
157
00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:31,208
She's like a total burnout.
158
00:07:31,291 --> 00:07:35,208
She just gets high all the time
and, like, doesn't even shave her bush.
159
00:07:35,291 --> 00:07:38,458
Oh my God, it's like, we get it.
You're political. Whatever.
160
00:07:38,541 --> 00:07:40,750
- Hey! Andrew Glouberman!
- [ominous music playing]
161
00:07:40,833 --> 00:07:42,625
- Oh fuck.
- You want your first punch
162
00:07:42,708 --> 00:07:45,750
in your shitty face
or in your little pussy?
163
00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:47,500
I guess pussy? I don't know!
164
00:07:47,583 --> 00:07:48,416
Ow!
165
00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:50,875
- Fuck him up, baby!
- Crush his pussy!
166
00:07:50,958 --> 00:07:55,083
Ooh-ooh-ooh, it's happening!
Time to stick your fingy in his thingy.
167
00:07:55,166 --> 00:07:56,666
Here goes nothing.
168
00:07:56,750 --> 00:07:58,833
Hashem, don't fail me now.
169
00:07:58,916 --> 00:08:01,041
Pumbaa! Put him down right now.
170
00:08:01,125 --> 00:08:02,958
Oh, thank you, grown-up!
171
00:08:03,041 --> 00:08:05,500
No killing each other until after school,
172
00:08:05,583 --> 00:08:08,000
when all the teachers
have cleared the faculty parking lot.
173
00:08:08,083 --> 00:08:10,333
- What?
- At 3:05 p.m.,
174
00:08:10,416 --> 00:08:13,666
I'm gonna kill you and lay your carcass
at your mom's bedside.
175
00:08:13,750 --> 00:08:17,000
- Later, booger man.
- Oh, look at that, he speaks Yiddish.
176
00:08:17,083 --> 00:08:18,666
Oy vey iz mir.
177
00:08:18,750 --> 00:08:21,583
I pretty much looked everywhere.
I can't find anything wrong.
178
00:08:21,666 --> 00:08:23,750
Oh, but the pain, Doctor.
179
00:08:23,833 --> 00:08:24,750
[exaggerated groan]
180
00:08:24,833 --> 00:08:27,000
Okay, I'm just gonna say
what we're all thinking.
181
00:08:27,083 --> 00:08:28,541
- It's cancer!
- [Monica gasps]
182
00:08:28,625 --> 00:08:29,916
You are a smoker, right?
183
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:32,833
No! Missy's never even had smoked turkey.
184
00:08:32,916 --> 00:08:34,416
As far as we know.
185
00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:37,708
You have insurance, I gotta pay off
a brand-new inflatable hot tub.
186
00:08:37,791 --> 00:08:39,875
- Let's get this party started!
- Wait, what?
187
00:08:39,958 --> 00:08:43,583
Blood work, CT scan,
MRI, colonoscopy, you name it.
188
00:08:43,666 --> 00:08:45,083
Is all that necessary?
189
00:08:45,166 --> 00:08:48,666
Well, you're really sick, right, Missy?
190
00:08:48,750 --> 00:08:49,833
Uh, r-right, right.
191
00:08:49,916 --> 00:08:53,083
- Are you willing to pinky swear on it?
- [ominous music playing]
192
00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:54,250
I can't do it.
193
00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:56,833
In our secular home,
a pinky swear is sacred.
194
00:08:56,916 --> 00:09:01,208
But you must. Otherwise,
you will be forced to go to school.
195
00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:02,875
So, heed me!
196
00:09:02,958 --> 00:09:05,833
Okay, I'll heed you, for fluff's sake.
197
00:09:05,916 --> 00:09:08,291
Give me that fat little pinky, old man.
198
00:09:08,375 --> 00:09:10,708
Fred and Wilma, Sonny and Cher,
199
00:09:10,791 --> 00:09:14,375
- I hereby make a pinky swear!
- [thunder crashes]
200
00:09:15,166 --> 00:09:17,625
{\an8}[Jourdan] Okay, okay. So he's a ten,
201
00:09:17,708 --> 00:09:19,625
but he has a Samsung Galaxy.
202
00:09:19,708 --> 00:09:22,458
- Ew, six. I can't get a green text.
- [laughter]
203
00:09:22,541 --> 00:09:24,166
- What are you, my dad?
- Totally.
204
00:09:24,250 --> 00:09:26,333
Connie, are these girls kind of basic?
205
00:09:26,416 --> 00:09:30,041
Yeah, Leah's cool,
but her friends are not good.
206
00:09:30,125 --> 00:09:33,000
But I guess this is my group now?
207
00:09:33,083 --> 00:09:37,250
I mean, Matthew's got the Quee-Choi,
Jay's got his basement dwellers.
208
00:09:37,333 --> 00:09:41,208
And Lola's sitting
at the 21 Jump Street table?
209
00:09:41,291 --> 00:09:45,291
All right, all right. What if she's a ten,
but she don't like Billy Joel?
210
00:09:45,375 --> 00:09:46,791
- Two.
- Ooh, zero.
211
00:09:46,875 --> 00:09:48,916
She sounds like an uptown bitch.
212
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:52,541
Okay, see, now, that's more my vibe.
213
00:09:52,625 --> 00:09:54,958
- The weed people?
- Well, Lulu and her friends.
214
00:09:55,041 --> 00:09:58,875
I don't know,
Lola's crew seems pretty young and hip.
215
00:09:58,958 --> 00:10:01,041
Hey, Lola, teen to teen,
216
00:10:01,125 --> 00:10:03,875
how come my wife and me
ain't had no sex since Easter?
217
00:10:04,458 --> 00:10:06,458
[panicked breaths] How did I get here?
218
00:10:06,541 --> 00:10:08,541
When did my life go so fucking wrong?
219
00:10:08,625 --> 00:10:12,541
Who cares? How do we get out of this mess
before your pussy gets punched?
220
00:10:12,625 --> 00:10:15,166
So many poor choices. Perverted mistakes.
221
00:10:15,250 --> 00:10:17,625
Now I'm never gonna get
eaten out in Tuscany.
222
00:10:17,708 --> 00:10:19,291
- Ow!
- Don't you dare say that!
223
00:10:19,375 --> 00:10:21,041
Oh God. [groans]
224
00:10:21,125 --> 00:10:22,541
I think I'm gonna barf.
225
00:10:23,500 --> 00:10:25,666
Okay, I feel better now
having some of it...
226
00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:27,958
[retching]
227
00:10:28,791 --> 00:10:31,875
Jesus, Andrew.
When did you eat a grown man?
228
00:10:31,958 --> 00:10:32,791
Ah!
229
00:10:32,875 --> 00:10:34,375
What the fuck?
230
00:10:35,250 --> 00:10:36,875
Who the hell is this guy?
231
00:10:36,958 --> 00:10:39,250
I'm you from the future.
232
00:10:39,333 --> 00:10:42,166
Oh my God, I look terrible in the future.
233
00:10:42,250 --> 00:10:43,833
No, no, not you.
234
00:10:43,916 --> 00:10:45,000
I'm him.
235
00:10:45,083 --> 00:10:46,416
Oh, phew.
236
00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:49,166
I really dodged a bullet there,
huh, Andrew? [chuckles]
237
00:10:49,250 --> 00:10:50,666
[laughter]
238
00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:52,416
Oh my God, Trav.
239
00:10:52,500 --> 00:10:54,708
Oh, I'm such a fucking loser.
240
00:10:54,791 --> 00:10:58,833
Oh, it's so hard to fit in
at a new school, isn't it?
241
00:10:58,916 --> 00:11:00,375
I'm... I'm sorry, who are you?
242
00:11:00,458 --> 00:11:02,750
I'm the librarian, sweetheart.
243
00:11:02,833 --> 00:11:04,500
Ms. Cornhill.
244
00:11:04,583 --> 00:11:06,708
I saw you here all alone,
245
00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:08,958
so gentle, so sad.
246
00:11:09,041 --> 00:11:11,708
Yeah, it's been a...
it's been a pretty tough first day.
247
00:11:11,791 --> 00:11:14,125
I know, love. I know.
248
00:11:14,208 --> 00:11:17,750
Why don't you come with me?
I've got just the place for ya.
249
00:11:17,833 --> 00:11:21,416
- Really?
- Yes. Take my trembling, ice-cold hand,
250
00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:24,125
and feel how paper-thin my skin is.
251
00:11:24,208 --> 00:11:25,208
Okay, yeah.
252
00:11:25,250 --> 00:11:26,916
I'm on blood thinners.
253
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:30,625
{\an8}Don't believe me?
Look, it's right here on the left foot.
254
00:11:30,708 --> 00:11:33,083
A wart that looks just like...
255
00:11:33,166 --> 00:11:35,583
A young Tom Colicchio.
256
00:11:35,666 --> 00:11:38,416
He's me, Maury. He's definitely me.
257
00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:40,333
Okay, so... so why are you here?
258
00:11:40,416 --> 00:11:43,208
- Because of this.
- Oh God.
259
00:11:43,291 --> 00:11:46,666
On this very day, at 3:09 p.m.,
260
00:11:46,750 --> 00:11:48,083
the boy, Pumbaa,
261
00:11:48,166 --> 00:11:52,125
snapped off this finger
with a flex of his sphincter.
262
00:11:52,208 --> 00:11:54,166
My fingy? His sphincty?
263
00:11:54,250 --> 00:11:55,583
There's more! Shut up!
264
00:11:55,666 --> 00:11:58,750
It sets off a catastrophic chain of events
265
00:11:58,833 --> 00:12:02,541
that ruins
our already rotten life forever.
266
00:12:02,625 --> 00:12:04,958
- But I'm fine, right?
- Maury, let him finish!
267
00:12:05,041 --> 00:12:08,958
You'll become a pariah
known as "Little Boy Stink Finger."
268
00:12:09,041 --> 00:12:09,958
Oh God.
269
00:12:10,041 --> 00:12:12,541
You are a penniless, unloved,
270
00:12:12,625 --> 00:12:15,666
chode-having, 80-year-old virgin!
271
00:12:15,750 --> 00:12:17,041
No!
272
00:12:17,125 --> 00:12:21,708
But... But wait, why didn't you go back
to before I grabbed Timon's boobs?
273
00:12:21,791 --> 00:12:24,125
You know, before I was completely fucked?
274
00:12:24,208 --> 00:12:26,708
Uh, maybe 'cause I'm an idiot?
275
00:12:26,791 --> 00:12:29,416
Oh, of course you are. You're me.
276
00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:32,125
Goddamn it! Now I gotta go back again.
277
00:12:32,208 --> 00:12:33,875
This fucking time machine.
278
00:12:33,958 --> 00:12:35,791
Wait, wait, I wanna come too!
279
00:12:35,875 --> 00:12:37,166
Ah! Get off of me!
280
00:12:39,708 --> 00:12:44,541
Oh, come on! Sixty-eight dollars
at Costco Optical, ruined.
281
00:12:44,625 --> 00:12:46,833
[retching]
282
00:12:46,916 --> 00:12:48,666
I just came out of my own guts.
283
00:12:48,750 --> 00:12:51,208
What the hell? Are you me?
284
00:12:51,291 --> 00:12:53,875
- Move out of the way, dumbass!
- [grunts]
285
00:12:53,958 --> 00:12:55,875
[suspenseful music playing]
286
00:12:56,583 --> 00:12:58,125
Oh, this rocks.
287
00:12:58,208 --> 00:12:59,958
Ew! You fucking creep!
288
00:13:00,041 --> 00:13:02,666
Hey! Get your fucking hands
off my girlfriend's tits!
289
00:13:02,750 --> 00:13:03,791
- We did it!
- Yes!
290
00:13:03,875 --> 00:13:06,416
He's gonna kill Lump now instead of me.
291
00:13:06,500 --> 00:13:07,750
We fixed history!
292
00:13:07,833 --> 00:13:11,375
We could have gone anywhere in time,
and this is what we did.
293
00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:14,500
No, it can't be!
My fingy should've grown back.
294
00:13:14,583 --> 00:13:16,375
So, uh, we didn't change anything?
295
00:13:16,458 --> 00:13:19,625
So this must not be the moment
where my life went off the rails.
296
00:13:19,708 --> 00:13:22,291
- No shit. You're way too late.
- Fuck!
297
00:13:22,375 --> 00:13:24,208
Our life went off the rails when...
298
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:29,458
All right,
I'm gonna yoidle my doidle for Zayde.
299
00:13:29,541 --> 00:13:31,250
- [retching]
- Aah!
300
00:13:31,333 --> 00:13:34,625
- Dead Zayde!
- What the... Who are all you me's?
301
00:13:34,708 --> 00:13:36,541
- We're you.
- From the future.
302
00:13:36,625 --> 00:13:39,750
Oh, so that's what this is.
303
00:13:39,833 --> 00:13:43,791
It's like a sci-fi, time travel thingy
with a whole bunch of Andrews.
304
00:13:43,875 --> 00:13:45,595
I was like,
"Where are the going with this?"
305
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:47,750
Very cool, very cool.
Well, that's exciting.
306
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,000
[sighs]
307
00:13:50,416 --> 00:13:53,500
Hey, what up, weed people?
308
00:13:53,583 --> 00:13:56,750
Anybody got some, uh,
green for mama? [chuckles]
309
00:13:56,833 --> 00:13:58,000
Sorry, are you "mama"?
310
00:13:58,083 --> 00:14:01,708
Um, yes. [chuckles]
In this scenario, I am mama.
311
00:14:01,791 --> 00:14:02,791
- [laughter]
- Yes.
312
00:14:02,875 --> 00:14:04,166
Well, okay, mama.
313
00:14:04,250 --> 00:14:06,791
Thanks. It's, uh,
been kind of a rough first day.
314
00:14:06,875 --> 00:14:09,375
- Yeah, school sucks.
- Everyone's an idiot.
315
00:14:09,458 --> 00:14:13,250
My bio teacher
says global warming is a coincidence.
316
00:14:13,333 --> 00:14:14,208
[inhales] Yikes.
317
00:14:14,291 --> 00:14:16,583
{\an8}He probably believes in clean coal too.
318
00:14:16,666 --> 00:14:19,833
{\an8}It's like my man Camus says,
"People suck."
319
00:14:19,916 --> 00:14:23,250
Oh my God, Connie.
Camus boy is a fucking dreamboat.
320
00:14:23,333 --> 00:14:25,666
And he's a bummer, just like you!
321
00:14:25,750 --> 00:14:29,291
So, like, why were you hanging out
with those dumb fucking girls earlier?
322
00:14:29,375 --> 00:14:31,375
Yeah, you should be chilling with us.
323
00:14:31,458 --> 00:14:32,375
- Really?
- Yeah, dude.
324
00:14:32,458 --> 00:14:34,583
- Totally.
- All you need is an army jacket.
325
00:14:34,666 --> 00:14:35,875
Looks pretty cool, right?
326
00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:38,833
Hey, you think the soldier
who wore that before you is dead?
327
00:14:38,916 --> 00:14:44,041
- I don't wanna think about that.
- Yeah, let's just forget about that guy.
328
00:14:44,125 --> 00:14:45,708
[doctor] Unfortunately, folks,
329
00:14:45,791 --> 00:14:49,416
my accountant is gonna be unhappy to learn
that you are in perfect health, Missy.
330
00:14:49,500 --> 00:14:54,833
Really? That is so strange
because the pain is so intense. Ooh!
331
00:14:54,916 --> 00:14:56,416
Wow.
332
00:14:56,500 --> 00:14:58,875
Someone call Cecil B. DeMille
333
00:14:58,958 --> 00:15:02,666
because I think we found
the new Viola Davis.
334
00:15:02,750 --> 00:15:04,375
Dad, wh-what... what do you mean?
335
00:15:04,458 --> 00:15:07,708
Enough with this Oscar Mayer,
bibble-babble bologna!
336
00:15:07,791 --> 00:15:10,375
Admit it! You aren't sick at all!
337
00:15:10,458 --> 00:15:11,625
Cyrus!
338
00:15:11,708 --> 00:15:14,750
- Don't fold, Missy. Heed me.
- [ominous music playing]
339
00:15:14,833 --> 00:15:16,000
Dad, please.
340
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:17,625
You're a punk teen,
341
00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:21,541
and you lied to get out of school
because you think you're hot S!
342
00:15:21,625 --> 00:15:22,750
I am not hot S.
343
00:15:22,833 --> 00:15:25,583
- Admit it! You lied!
- No!
344
00:15:25,666 --> 00:15:29,416
You made a mockery of the pinky swear!
345
00:15:29,500 --> 00:15:30,500
Stay strong!
346
00:15:30,583 --> 00:15:32,416
All right! I lied, okay?
347
00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:35,666
But it's not because...
because I'm a "punk teen."
348
00:15:35,750 --> 00:15:39,208
It's because
I'm scared of high school, Daddy.
349
00:15:39,291 --> 00:15:40,708
No! What are you doing?
350
00:15:40,791 --> 00:15:41,708
Oh, Missy.
351
00:15:41,791 --> 00:15:45,083
I'm scared
to be a little fish in a big pond
352
00:15:45,166 --> 00:15:47,791
filled with flesh-eating bacteria.
353
00:15:47,875 --> 00:15:51,791
- Oh golly, Missy. I'm scared too.
- Really?
354
00:15:51,875 --> 00:15:54,916
Yes! I'm scared to lose you!
355
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:57,833
I-I don't want you to go off
to a big school
356
00:15:57,916 --> 00:16:00,583
where you grow up too fast and forget us.
357
00:16:00,666 --> 00:16:02,875
Oh, I would never forget about you, Dad.
358
00:16:02,958 --> 00:16:06,375
- No!
- Oh, I'm so sorry, Missy.
359
00:16:06,458 --> 00:16:07,791
Oh, me too.
360
00:16:07,875 --> 00:16:10,291
I hate it when children feel better.
361
00:16:10,375 --> 00:16:16,041
It fucks with the whole thing
I'm trying to do.
362
00:16:16,125 --> 00:16:17,458
[Missy and Cyrus sigh]
363
00:16:20,041 --> 00:16:23,333
- [boy whimpering, sobbing]
- Um, Ms. Cornhill, what is this?
364
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:25,875
This is the Sad Boys Club.
365
00:16:25,958 --> 00:16:27,541
Say hello, puppies.
366
00:16:27,625 --> 00:16:30,666
- Hi.
- Ms. Cornhill, my seat is wet again.
367
00:16:30,750 --> 00:16:33,291
Not now, Myron! Come here, boys.
368
00:16:33,375 --> 00:16:37,083
Feed me pistachios
and comb my very long hair.
369
00:16:37,166 --> 00:16:39,291
- I will feed you.
- I will comb you.
370
00:16:39,375 --> 00:16:40,208
[sobbing]
371
00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:42,916
Jesus, Rick, am I like these kids?
372
00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,083
Am... Am I that sad and pathetic?
373
00:16:45,166 --> 00:16:47,291
Circle of trust? Big time.
374
00:16:47,375 --> 00:16:50,375
Um, Ms. Cornhill,
I have a tree nut allergy,
375
00:16:50,458 --> 00:16:52,333
so I-I can't feed you pistachios.
376
00:16:52,416 --> 00:16:56,750
Very well. You may pumice the calluses
on the balls of my feet, Andrew.
377
00:16:56,833 --> 00:16:59,875
Andrew? Oh my God, that was
my best friend's name in middle school.
378
00:16:59,958 --> 00:17:03,375
Cool. My best friend's name
was Edgar Ramos. Is that your name?
379
00:17:03,458 --> 00:17:05,875
Oh, no, but it's pretty close.
It's actually Nick Birch.
380
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:08,500
Well, enchanté, Nick.
381
00:17:08,583 --> 00:17:09,833
I-I mean, "hi."
382
00:17:09,916 --> 00:17:12,291
- I'm not French, or smart.
- Me neither!
383
00:17:12,375 --> 00:17:14,666
Children, come now.
384
00:17:14,750 --> 00:17:17,250
My tootsies remain heavy with skin.
385
00:17:17,333 --> 00:17:18,416
- Ew.
- That's terrible.
386
00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:20,142
{\an8}- [Andrew 1] Wait. Okay.
- [Andrew 2] Wait.
387
00:17:20,166 --> 00:17:22,458
What makes you all think
this is the moment
388
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:23,875
when my life went wrong?
389
00:17:23,958 --> 00:17:26,916
You were masturbating
in front of your dead grandfather.
390
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:30,250
But in his defense,
his cousin was making him very horny.
391
00:17:30,333 --> 00:17:33,333
Oh, who gives a shit?
My fingy still got assholed.
392
00:17:33,416 --> 00:17:36,500
Oh God, we need to go back even farther.
393
00:17:37,458 --> 00:17:39,708
Do not pull Lars out of that wheelchair!
394
00:17:39,791 --> 00:17:41,541
It fucks up our entire life.
395
00:17:41,625 --> 00:17:44,166
Fine. But can we all agree
he can probably walk?
396
00:17:44,250 --> 00:17:46,291
- Of course he can.
- The boy is a fraud.
397
00:17:46,375 --> 00:17:47,791
He can fucking run.
398
00:17:47,875 --> 00:17:50,625
I gotta put my hand up and say,
I disagree with all of you.
399
00:17:50,708 --> 00:17:52,666
Fuck! No fingy.
400
00:17:52,750 --> 00:17:53,583
Stop it!
401
00:17:53,666 --> 00:17:56,333
- You are in public.
- This is Trolls World Tour.
402
00:17:56,416 --> 00:17:58,416
Come on, get the dick!
403
00:17:58,500 --> 00:18:01,458
- Stop!
- Do not jerk off to Leah's bathing suit.
404
00:18:01,541 --> 00:18:02,875
This is the right hand, right?
405
00:18:02,958 --> 00:18:05,541
- Fuck.
- How far back do we need to go?
406
00:18:05,625 --> 00:18:06,958
Shut up, guys. Shut up.
407
00:18:07,041 --> 00:18:09,500
We need to go back to the very beginning.
408
00:18:09,583 --> 00:18:11,125
[gasps] Dinosaur Andrew?
409
00:18:11,208 --> 00:18:12,750
No, no, no, goddamn it.
410
00:18:12,833 --> 00:18:15,416
That fateful day that changed everything.
411
00:18:16,333 --> 00:18:19,291
- Oh God, this feels incredible.
- [epic music playing]
412
00:18:19,375 --> 00:18:25,208
I think I've invented
something new and fun.
413
00:18:25,291 --> 00:18:27,375
I'm gonna be rich!
414
00:18:27,458 --> 00:18:28,958
- [retching]
- Wait!
415
00:18:29,041 --> 00:18:30,309
- Don't finish, you sicko!
- Stop!
416
00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:31,375
What the fuck?
417
00:18:31,458 --> 00:18:34,250
I thought something
was gonna come out of my penis.
418
00:18:34,333 --> 00:18:35,166
[screams]
419
00:18:35,250 --> 00:18:37,833
Shit! No finger!
420
00:18:37,916 --> 00:18:39,083
Goddamn it!
421
00:18:39,166 --> 00:18:41,625
We're never gonna figure out
when things went wrong.
422
00:18:41,708 --> 00:18:44,250
All you past Andrews fucked me.
423
00:18:44,333 --> 00:18:45,916
You all ruined my life.
424
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:47,250
What about my life?
425
00:18:47,333 --> 00:18:48,916
I'm 80 years old,
426
00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:51,500
and my penis
has never known the heat of a woman.
427
00:18:51,583 --> 00:18:53,583
- Fuck you, old man!
- You fucking pervert!
428
00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:57,250
- I refuse to pay for it!
- Enough! All of you, shut the fuck up!
429
00:18:57,333 --> 00:18:59,708
Don't you see, Andrews?
430
00:18:59,791 --> 00:19:02,625
It doesn't matter
when your life turned to shit
431
00:19:02,708 --> 00:19:04,666
or who is to blame.
432
00:19:04,750 --> 00:19:08,625
All that matters is what you do right now,
433
00:19:08,708 --> 00:19:09,750
in the present.
434
00:19:09,833 --> 00:19:12,583
Maury, I...
I think you might actually be right.
435
00:19:12,666 --> 00:19:13,833
I know I'm right.
436
00:19:13,916 --> 00:19:16,208
So let's all pull out our dicks and do a,
437
00:19:16,291 --> 00:19:20,791
one, two, three, four, five, six, seven,
eight-way, all-Andrew circle-jerk, baby!
438
00:19:20,875 --> 00:19:22,833
What? No. No, not that.
439
00:19:22,916 --> 00:19:24,083
Guys, put 'em away.
440
00:19:24,166 --> 00:19:25,666
- Fuck you.
- Put them away.
441
00:19:25,750 --> 00:19:28,166
I meant, I can't change the past,
442
00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:31,833
so I should go back to the present
and do the right thing:
443
00:19:31,916 --> 00:19:33,458
apologize to Timon.
444
00:19:33,541 --> 00:19:35,125
Eh, I like my idea better.
445
00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:37,875
Come on, elderly me.
Let's go make this right.
446
00:19:37,958 --> 00:19:43,583
I, personally, am gonna stay here,
wherever we are, and do the circle jerk.
447
00:19:43,666 --> 00:19:45,416
- Yeah.
- Let's try it.
448
00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:48,541
Ugh, Jesus.
Maybe I don't deserve a finger.
449
00:19:48,625 --> 00:19:50,291
Oh well, time to do the right thing.
450
00:19:51,666 --> 00:19:52,500
[laughter]
451
00:19:52,583 --> 00:19:54,833
Jessi, what's with the jacket?
452
00:19:54,916 --> 00:19:58,208
Oh, do you like it?
It's from, um, the Iraq War.
453
00:19:58,291 --> 00:20:01,250
- Ugh, one of my least faves.
- That's hilarious.
454
00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:04,666
Why is the Iraq War
so funny right now? [laughing]
455
00:20:04,750 --> 00:20:07,666
Oh my God. Jessi, are you high?
456
00:20:07,750 --> 00:20:11,666
- What are you, her mother?
- No, I just care about my friend.
457
00:20:11,750 --> 00:20:14,375
- Dang! They're fighting over you, Jessi.
- Whoa.
458
00:20:14,458 --> 00:20:17,041
- Holy shit.
- You gotta choose a crew!
459
00:20:17,125 --> 00:20:21,125
Are you with the burnouts
or the basic bitches, baby?
460
00:20:21,208 --> 00:20:22,083
- Leah?
- Yeah?
461
00:20:22,166 --> 00:20:25,125
This is high school,
and everything counts now,
462
00:20:25,208 --> 00:20:27,541
so I need to make the right choice...
463
00:20:27,625 --> 00:20:28,541
Okay.
464
00:20:28,625 --> 00:20:30,875
♪...and smoke weed every day ♪
465
00:20:30,958 --> 00:20:31,875
Are you serious?
466
00:20:31,958 --> 00:20:33,958
- Yes, mama.
- Holy shit.
467
00:20:34,041 --> 00:20:36,458
Come on, Jessi. Let's go hotbox my Mazda.
468
00:20:36,541 --> 00:20:38,458
Zoom-zoom, fuckers!
469
00:20:38,541 --> 00:20:39,875
[laughs]
470
00:20:40,541 --> 00:20:43,125
- [alarm rings]
- It is 3:05 p.m.
471
00:20:43,208 --> 00:20:45,416
- Time for the scheduled violence.
- [all cheer]
472
00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:46,333
[student] Fight!
473
00:20:46,416 --> 00:20:48,816
Ugh, the thought of Andrew
getting the shit kicked out of him
474
00:20:48,875 --> 00:20:50,416
is really harshing my buzz.
475
00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:54,708
Yeah. I'm so worried I'm gonna laugh,
or be like, "Yes, I love this!"
476
00:20:54,791 --> 00:20:56,125
It's okay, my friends.
477
00:20:56,208 --> 00:20:58,125
Though I may perish today,
478
00:20:58,208 --> 00:21:00,125
I shall face my killer head on.
479
00:21:00,208 --> 00:21:01,833
Just run, Andrew.
480
00:21:01,916 --> 00:21:03,833
No, I've got to do this.
481
00:21:04,416 --> 00:21:06,000
All right, everybody.
482
00:21:06,083 --> 00:21:08,791
Who's ready to see
this tit-grabbing creep die?
483
00:21:08,875 --> 00:21:10,166
- [Lola] Yas, Pumbaa!
- Murder!
484
00:21:10,250 --> 00:21:11,791
Andrew, I-I made it.
485
00:21:11,875 --> 00:21:15,250
I thought, if this is really the end,
then I should be here.
486
00:21:15,333 --> 00:21:18,250
Thank you, Maury. I love you.
487
00:21:18,333 --> 00:21:20,166
Ah, hey, that's great, man.
488
00:21:20,250 --> 00:21:22,666
- Give me a kiss for good luck, baby.
- I don't need luck.
489
00:21:22,750 --> 00:21:25,458
- I need your hard tongue in my mouth.
- [both moan]
490
00:21:25,541 --> 00:21:29,791
Uh, Pumbaa, before you destroy me,
there's something I have to say.
491
00:21:29,875 --> 00:21:32,708
Oh yeah? You wanna beg me for your life,
you little slob?
492
00:21:32,791 --> 00:21:35,625
Actually, it's not to you. It's to Timon.
493
00:21:35,708 --> 00:21:38,333
- What?
- Timon, I... I apologize.
494
00:21:38,416 --> 00:21:40,375
Touching you was an accident,
495
00:21:40,458 --> 00:21:42,875
but that doesn't mean
it didn't impact you,
496
00:21:42,958 --> 00:21:44,416
and I'm very sorry.
497
00:21:44,500 --> 00:21:47,083
Wow, thank you. That means a lot.
498
00:21:47,166 --> 00:21:48,916
Holy shit, Andrew. Good for you.
499
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:53,041
You see, guys, I looked inside myself
and learned that what matters is...
500
00:21:53,125 --> 00:21:55,375
- [Pumbaa grunts]
- [Jay] Yes! I love this!
501
00:21:55,458 --> 00:21:57,458
Pretend my hand's a dick and suck it.
502
00:21:57,541 --> 00:21:58,875
Do it, Andrew! Suck it!
503
00:22:00,541 --> 00:22:01,541
[Ms. Cornhill] Oh, yes.
504
00:22:03,083 --> 00:22:04,583
This is crazy, right?
505
00:22:04,666 --> 00:22:06,458
I think this foot is dead.
506
00:22:06,541 --> 00:22:08,000
It's freezing cold.
507
00:22:08,083 --> 00:22:10,416
- Mine is scalding hot.
- What is going on here?
508
00:22:10,500 --> 00:22:15,000
Puppies? You forget yourselves.
There's no giggling in the Sad Boys Club.
509
00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:17,541
You know, Andrew,
now that we've found each other,
510
00:22:17,625 --> 00:22:19,875
I'm not so sure that we are Sad Boys.
511
00:22:19,958 --> 00:22:22,666
I mean, I'm a nauseous boy, maybe,
but I'm not sad.
512
00:22:22,750 --> 00:22:24,750
- Should we get outta here?
- Absolutely.
513
00:22:24,833 --> 00:22:28,375
Uh, Ms. Cornhill, it turns out,
we're actually happy boys.
514
00:22:28,458 --> 00:22:30,583
- Proud boys, even.
- Uh, be careful there, Andrew.
515
00:22:30,666 --> 00:22:31,833
Yeah, ooh. [chuckles]
516
00:22:31,916 --> 00:22:33,833
- Right. I'm sorry. We should go.
- Yeah.
517
00:22:33,916 --> 00:22:37,291
How dare you. Sad Boys never leave!
518
00:22:37,375 --> 00:22:38,250
It's true.
519
00:22:38,333 --> 00:22:39,791
You'll be back.
520
00:22:39,875 --> 00:22:42,500
I swear on my freezing cold foot,
521
00:22:42,583 --> 00:22:44,625
you'll be back!
522
00:22:45,208 --> 00:22:46,458
- [Andrew groans]
- Andrew?
523
00:22:46,541 --> 00:22:47,625
Are you okay?
524
00:22:47,708 --> 00:22:50,166
What happened? Was my apology accepted?
525
00:22:50,250 --> 00:22:53,291
Uh, no, honey.
You shit the proverbial bed.
526
00:22:53,375 --> 00:22:55,625
And by the bed, I mean your pants.
527
00:22:55,708 --> 00:22:59,250
They had the janitor hose you down.
Everybody filmed it.
528
00:22:59,333 --> 00:23:02,750
But you did apologize to Timon,
and that was refreshing.
529
00:23:02,833 --> 00:23:05,958
Oh yeah. So, do people like me now?
530
00:23:06,041 --> 00:23:08,500
Well, they hate you slightly less.
531
00:23:08,583 --> 00:23:12,333
Really? That's huge for me. That's great.
532
00:23:12,416 --> 00:23:16,208
Oh, and look,
elderly Andrew has his finger back.
533
00:23:16,291 --> 00:23:17,791
Thank you, Andrew.
534
00:23:17,875 --> 00:23:20,791
I can't wait
to fish a pickle out of a jar.
535
00:23:20,875 --> 00:23:22,666
You get that pickle, Future Andrew.
536
00:23:22,750 --> 00:23:24,710
Okay, I think we need
to take him to the hospital?
537
00:23:24,750 --> 00:23:26,458
I'm very proud of you, buddy.
538
00:23:26,541 --> 00:23:29,458
From now on,
I'm gonna live in the present
539
00:23:29,541 --> 00:23:31,541
and be accountable for my actions.
540
00:23:31,625 --> 00:23:33,250
Speaking of your actions,
541
00:23:33,333 --> 00:23:36,666
the circle jerk
got out of hand very quickly.
542
00:23:36,750 --> 00:23:39,333
Oh, I bet, sure. Can you elaborate?
543
00:23:39,416 --> 00:23:42,541
Let's put it this way,
you're now your own grandpa.
544
00:23:42,625 --> 00:23:43,625
Mazel tov.
545
00:23:43,708 --> 00:23:45,125
[birds chirping]
546
00:23:45,208 --> 00:23:46,416
- Missy?
- Yeah?
547
00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:50,833
We understand you're frightened,
but you have to go to school.
548
00:23:50,916 --> 00:23:55,541
- I just don't think I can do it.
- Well, what if we tried homeschooling?
549
00:23:55,625 --> 00:23:56,916
- Really?
- Cyrus!
550
00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:00,166
The public school system
is failing its students. True, Missy?
551
00:24:00,250 --> 00:24:03,083
Uh, totally.
Testing's biased, funding's down,
552
00:24:03,166 --> 00:24:05,666
a, uh, Kaiju could step on the school.
553
00:24:05,750 --> 00:24:06,750
A Kaiju?
554
00:24:06,791 --> 00:24:10,416
- A giant monster! A Godzilla, Monica!
- Yeah!
555
00:24:10,500 --> 00:24:15,708
Plus, here at home, she has two
of her very own tenured professors.
556
00:24:15,791 --> 00:24:17,708
You're an adjunct, Cyrus.
557
00:24:17,791 --> 00:24:20,875
And what about socialization? Her friends?
558
00:24:20,958 --> 00:24:22,583
We'll be her friends.
559
00:24:22,666 --> 00:24:25,000
Monica, she's growing up so fast.
560
00:24:25,083 --> 00:24:28,416
I miss her cute overalls and her...
her headband.
561
00:24:28,500 --> 00:24:30,458
Oh, me too. Me too.
562
00:24:30,541 --> 00:24:34,041
- Please?
- Well, I suppose it could work.
563
00:24:34,125 --> 00:24:35,708
- Temporarily.
- Yes!
564
00:24:35,791 --> 00:24:38,375
Temporarily, forever, you name it.
565
00:24:38,458 --> 00:24:41,750
It's decided.
Missy, you're getting homeschooled!
566
00:24:41,833 --> 00:24:43,416
Really? Oh, thank you, Daddy!
567
00:24:43,500 --> 00:24:46,041
Thank you, Daddy. [laughs]
568
00:24:46,125 --> 00:24:50,041
That's what I said when I saw Willem Dafoe
naked in a Gap fitting room.
569
00:24:50,125 --> 00:24:51,791
Mona! You're back!
570
00:24:51,875 --> 00:24:54,458
And you look so much happier, my darling.
571
00:24:54,541 --> 00:24:56,208
I'm gonna be homeschooled!
572
00:24:56,291 --> 00:25:00,958
What? You're gonna be stuck at home
without any boys or other kids?
573
00:25:01,041 --> 00:25:03,583
Uh, I guess I didn't think
about that part.
574
00:25:03,666 --> 00:25:06,375
Well, for fuck's sake,
who's gonna fingerbang you now?
575
00:25:06,458 --> 00:25:07,833
The Amazon delivery guy?
576
00:25:07,916 --> 00:25:11,208
Oh God! We have zero chemistry!
577
00:25:11,291 --> 00:25:12,708
[crickets chirping]
578
00:25:12,791 --> 00:25:13,625
[keyboard clacking]
579
00:25:13,708 --> 00:25:17,166
Nick, you'll never believe
what happened at free public school today.
580
00:25:17,250 --> 00:25:18,458
Holy shit, your face.
581
00:25:18,541 --> 00:25:20,291
So I barfed up my old future self,
582
00:25:20,375 --> 00:25:22,333
and he was like,
"Don't do a sphincter finger,"
583
00:25:22,416 --> 00:25:25,416
then we barfed up all these other Andrews,
there was a big circle jerk...
584
00:25:25,500 --> 00:25:28,083
All right. Now, I am ready for that snack.
585
00:25:28,166 --> 00:25:29,916
Uh, who the fuck is this?
586
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:31,291
Oh, uh, Andrew,
587
00:25:31,375 --> 00:25:35,208
this is my new friend from Cobblestones
who's also named Andrew.
588
00:25:35,291 --> 00:25:36,333
[Western music playing]
589
00:25:36,416 --> 00:25:40,166
- So, uh, I hear your name's Andrew.
- That's what my mommy calls me.
590
00:25:40,250 --> 00:25:42,291
Well, she sounds
like a big old bitch to me.
591
00:25:42,375 --> 00:25:44,375
- Fellas, please.
- Stay out of this, sweetie.
592
00:25:44,458 --> 00:25:47,833
Other Andrew, I think I speak
for everyone when I say,
593
00:25:47,916 --> 00:25:49,083
time to fuck off.
594
00:25:49,166 --> 00:25:51,333
Actually, I'm quite comfortable here.
595
00:25:51,416 --> 00:25:54,083
In fact, I just took a shit
in your boy's bathroom.
596
00:25:54,166 --> 00:25:57,458
Oh, please.
I've taken tons of shits in there.
597
00:25:57,541 --> 00:25:58,708
Call me when you clog it.
598
00:25:58,791 --> 00:26:01,000
Ring-ring. Clogged it, bitch.
599
00:26:01,083 --> 00:26:01,916
[gasps]
600
00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:03,875
Goddamn it, this guy's good.
601
00:26:03,958 --> 00:26:07,041
And he's gonna be spending
every second of every day with Nick.
602
00:26:07,125 --> 00:26:08,583
He's gonna steal my little man.
603
00:26:08,666 --> 00:26:11,833
Maybe. We'll just have to wait
to find out what happens next season.
604
00:26:11,916 --> 00:26:14,833
Wait, what?!
This is the end of the season?
605
00:26:14,916 --> 00:26:16,791
- Yeah.
- No! No, no, no!
606
00:26:16,875 --> 00:26:19,875
Don't go to credits.
I wanna know what's gonna happen.
607
00:26:19,958 --> 00:26:21,038
["Andrew" by Ryann playing]
608
00:26:21,083 --> 00:26:24,041
[Andrew] I gotta wait a full fucking year
to find out about this shit?
609
00:26:24,125 --> 00:26:26,375
We just started high school.
610
00:26:26,458 --> 00:26:28,875
Oh, fuck you. This is bullshit.
611
00:26:28,958 --> 00:26:32,916
Fuck this fucking shit.
John Mulaney, Consulting Producer?
612
00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:35,333
Wow, he must have great reps.
613
00:26:35,416 --> 00:26:38,250
What do we do, ten a year? What the fuck?
614
00:26:38,333 --> 00:26:41,208
My friend worked on Raymond. They did 22.
615
00:26:41,291 --> 00:26:43,500
Okay, fuck you. This is bullshit.
616
00:26:43,583 --> 00:26:46,083
It can't end like this. No.
617
00:26:46,166 --> 00:26:48,958
Do not start counting down
to a different show.
618
00:26:49,041 --> 00:26:52,000
Do not start counting down to Ozarks.
619
00:26:52,083 --> 00:26:55,375
Fuck everyone else. Fuck this. Fuck!
620
00:26:55,458 --> 00:26:59,208
♪ Andrew, there's more I could say
But it's ♪
621
00:26:59,291 --> 00:27:02,083
♪ Finally fading away ♪
622
00:27:02,166 --> 00:27:06,375
♪ I don't hate you ♪
No, not at all
623
00:27:06,458 --> 00:27:11,250
♪ But don't write me
'Cause I won't respond ♪
624
00:27:11,333 --> 00:27:12,375
Fuck all of you.
625
00:27:15,625 --> 00:27:16,625
Chirp.