-[owl hooting] -[insects chirping]
[Marty] Barbara, let's go!
Costco stops selling hot dogs at 8:00 p.m.!
I'm coming, Marty. Jesus!
-[Marty] Snap to it! -We'll be back soon, honey.
Guys, it's your anniversary.
Don't you wanna go somewhere nicer than Costco?
Your mother loves Costco.
She likes to stand while she eats
and then get frisky in a bin of sweatpants.
Mom, blink twice if you wanna go to a restaurant.
Don't tell your mother to blink, you little pervert.
It's fine, sweetie. We'll see you in a half hour.
-[Marty] Barbara, in the car! -Okay!
And… they're… gone. Finally!
What shall I jack my stack to tonight, Maury?
-Uh, whatever you want, man. -Ah, come on.
-You gotta have some disgusting ideas. -[keypad clacking]
-Nope. -Are you okay? You… you're acting weird.
Everything's fine, and… and, uh, in fact, I don't wanna talk about it.
So, what, do you not want me to make room-temp goo-goo in a sock tonight?
'Cause what you're giving off is, like, pretty anti-goo-goo vibe.
Sure, goo-goo, don't goo-goo. It's your dick, man.
-Wow. Okay. -Yeah.
-Well, man, I'm not horny anymore.
-Well, you're gonna stay floppy? -Don't have a choice.
I guess I should just, uh… you know, fucking take off, then.
-Take off, then. I guess you should. -Yeah.
-Okay, later. -Later to you.
Jesus Christ. He actually left!
So, wait, am I not gonna jerk off in the final episode?
What the fuck?
["Changes" by Charles Bradley playing]
♪ I'm going through changes ♪
♪ Oh, in my life ♪
♪ Oh! ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
[music fades out]
[Missy grunting]
[Monica] Missy, do you need help folding your laundry?
Uh, no. No. No, thank you.
Nate, are you okay?
Terrifico.
Although I am a tad nervous sneaking around like this
to get absolutely foul in your twin bed.
Oh, I think it's exhilarating.
I feel like a grown criminal woman.
[grunts, moans]
-Strip the boy, Missy. -[Missy moaning]
Let's find out if he's smooth or hairy.
Hey, Nate, maybe you should, I don't know, take your shirt off or something?
Eyebrows, eyebrows.
And reveal my bare chest? You bet.
Oh, it's smooth!
Lick his little thumbtacks, Missy.
Mm, Nate, maybe I should take mine off too?
Yes, let those papoo mashoonas breathe.
-Uh, Missy? -Oh my gosh.
-Bill Bellamy! -[Missy] Oh, Dad!
My daughter's getting hunka munka in here!
-What are you doing in here? -[Nate grunts]
-Oh my goodness! -Get out!
Missy, they can't just barge in on you like this.
-Do something! -Okay.
Mom, Dad, I am 15 now.
I get to make my own decisions.
And, yeah, that might include hunka munka.
Now, Missy, I… I, uh…
-I… -Cyrus?
I think I actually agree with you.
-You do? -What the actual fuck?
Well, you're a big girl now, and we gotta start treating you like one.
-[gasps] -This is insane.
What is happening?
As hard as it is,
I think it might be time for us to…
[voice breaks] …take a step back.
Because before you know it, you'll be moving out.
Oh God.
And we'll be dead from Parkinson's or whatever,
and you, well… you gotta be able to get on without us.
Without you?
What is going on right now? It was titty time, like, two seconds ago.
I guess we should give you two your privacy.
And just remember, eye contact alone can be one of the sexiest things of all.
Um…
Suddenly, all I wanna do is go tell my mommy that I love her.
-Goodbye, Missy. -Bye.
-[door opens, closes] -Well, call me a swimming pool in winter
-because I am dry and closed. -Oh.
So I'm randomly walking by this yard sale, and then I see it.
A framed painting of Courteney Cox from Cougar Town.
[chuckles] Wha… what? No, you did not.
-[chuckles] Yes, I had to have it. -[Dewayne] Oh my God.
And I don't know why.
-Ugh. I miss you. -I wish I was there with you right now.
Oh yeah? What would you do to me if you were here?
Oh shit.
-Come on, Daddy. Tell me. -Ooh, he's talking dirty.
-Quick, say something butt-naked nasty. -Oh God.
Maury, I can't.
Matthew, uh… [chuckles] …you still there?
Oh. Oh yeah, um…
Come on!
Don't you wanna spit all over his hard dick
until you see your own reflection in his big, fat dome?
Well, of course I do.
Well, why don't you tell him? He craves the information.
-I'm too embarrassed, okay? -Ugh.
I'm sorry, Dewayne,
but I'm not really a… a dirty talk kinda guy.
Oh! Uh, okay.
-Uh, sorry. I… -Oh, no, no.
Uh, it… it's not your fault.
-You know, I should probably go. -Okay, well…
-[phone beeps] -Bye. [sighs]
-What is wrong with you, Matthew? -I don't know.
Why can't you just let your freak flag fly?
-Because I don't even have a freak flag. -Of course you do. Everyone does.
Look, here he is now.
-Ah! You wanna suck his dick! -Oh, no!
You wanna wear his ass like an N95!
-Ugh! -You wanna cum in his backpack!
-Jesus! -[babbles]
-Put him away. He's disgusting. -[babbling]
Well, I, for one, think he's charming.
Okay, Nicky, we're off to bail Marty out of Costco jail.
Costco jail?
They raised the price of hot dogs by a quarter,
and Marty went insane and almost killed an employee.
Uh… Have fun, I guess?
I wouldn't go to jail for hot dogs, Diane,
but if I were on death row, you know what my last meal would be?
-My vagina. -Your vagina.
Ugh. Stop it.
Nicky, your mother's vagina gave me three beautiful children.
The least I could do is eat it.
-Well, Rick… -[door closes]
…I know I shouldn't be horny after that,
but I think it might be time for a little Natalie?
Actually, man, we need to talk.
Oh God. Do you have cancer?
Well, yeah, I do… I do have pan-fried cancer.
-Oh. -The tastiest of cancers.
-Huh. -But no.
Actually, what I was trying to say was
I'm retiring.
What? Why are you retiring?
Well, because… I'm bad at my job, man.
Yeah. Yeah, no, I can't argue with that.
But don't worry, baby.
I got you a very special new hormone monster.
What?
That's right, cheese dick. Shit's about to get real.
Oh, fuck!
Believe me, I'm not thrilled about this either.
You gotta be kidding me, Rick. Not this guy.
Well, I can tell this is going great.
Now, gentlemen, if you will excuse me…
[farts squeakily]
[fart sputters]
-Ugh! -You can literally smell the cancer.
-I'm really gonna miss you, Nick. -[farting]
-Oh, yeah. Uh, me… me too, Rick. -[fart squeaks, ends]
Oh, good. It's over.
-[Rick farts] -Oh God. No, spoke too soon.
Thanks for making an old hormone monster feel like he mattered.
-Well… -[Rick farts]
-…there he goes. -Yep.
So, uh, how is this, like, supposed to work…
-I don't know. -…between you and me?
Can you even get a boner?
-Yeah, I can get a boner. -[blows raspberry]
What, like a teeny-tiny one?
No, like big time.
-Bullshit. You can't get hard. -Fuck you. I'm hard right now.
Oh wow. Congrats. Too bad you don't know what to fucking do with it.
Oh yeah? Well, then what do you call this?
-[fly unzips] -[grunts]
-Please, your stroke sucks. -[Nick grunting]
Call me when you can do it with both hands.
Oh, you like it with two hands, huh? [moans]
[panting]
-Well, that was fucking dope. -Yeah, that was, uh… pretty intense.
Listen, no big deal,
but we probably shouldn't tell Andrew about us.
Huh? Wh… why not?
-Because I said so! Don't make this weird. -Okay! Jesus.
-Yeah, now let's go again. -Again?
That's right. You're working with Maury now.
-Your dick is mine, sweetheart. -[sighs]
[bird chirping]
[sighs] Ay-ay-ay, this sucks.
Aren't summer internships for, like, college kids?
It's never too early to start thinking about your future, Jess.
"Where do you see yourself in 20 years?"
How the hell am I supposed to know that now?
Oh, come on! You'll be freezing your eggs while you climb the corporate ladder.
Fuck that. That's what Shannon wants, fucking Murphy Brown-ass bitch.
But you gotta think about your future!
You don't wanna end up like your loser dad.
I don't know, Shan. I'm with Jellybean.
-Ugh. -Forget the internship.
Thank you, Dad.
Just chill at home. I remember one summer, I found a nest.
-Ugh! -I like Saddy Daddy's idea.
-Why do anything? The future's a drag. -[fridge door opens]
Greg, what are you even doing here?
What am I doing here?
-Oh yeah, charging my phone. -And you can't do that at home?
No, 'cause I only have the long parts. I don't have any squares.
So just go buy a new square, Greg.
I told you already, Shannon.
I lost my wallet at Guitar Center last week.
-Woof. -[squabbling]
I'm just not gonna deal with this right now.
Yeah, fuck the future, right?
[squabbling continues]
[foreboding, ethereal whirring]
My parents were so weird.
They were, like, respecting my autonomy.
I guess we're kind of becoming… adults?
-Yeah. -Ugh. Like, when did that happen?
-[sobbing] -Oy.
Coach Steve?
Jesus. What? What is it?
Hey, Steve, can you try one more time to tell us why you're so upset?
They're sending a big stone meatball into the skin in my old house
on opposite yesterday!
Guys, I'm at my limit with this shit. He keeps saying the same thing.
-I'm gonna hit him. -Oh, no, no, no!
You just gotta know how to speak Steve.
The stone meatball is obviously a wrecking ball.
-Okay. -And his old house is, uh…
-The middle school? -And… and opposite yesterday is…
Oh shit!
They're demolishing Bridgeton Middle tomorrow?
They are?! [cries]
God. Yeah, here it is.
"Subpar middle school to become huge open pit."
Oh my God! Let's go there for old time's sake.
Ho-ho! Yes, babe!
We should totally go party there before it's torn down.
-Party Wolf! [howling] -I'm in.
Fuck it. Me too.
I would like to see the school one last time to say goodbye.
Yeah, and I could finally grab my hemorrhoid donut
that I left in the band room. We could all get our hemorrhoid donuts.
Jessi, do you ever feel like the future is, um… a big, terrifying nothing?
And it's closing in on us faster and faster till it swallows us whole?
-Yep. -[Jessi] Yeah, sometimes.
[foreboding, ethereal whirring continues]
-[Andrew grunts] Here we go. -[Nick strains] A little higher.
[both grunt]
I can't believe they're tearing this place down.
-Ow! -You okay?
Yeah, my arm's just a little sore.
-Oh, what, from jacking it too much? -Actually, uh, yeah.
Oh, man, I remember when I couldn't keep my hands off my dick.
But last night, we just sat together and watched TV.
-[grunts] Okay, there we go. -[Andrew grunts] Oof!
Huh. I just kinda felt like you were kinda always horny.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
-Here, say the word "tits." -Tits.
-Yeah, nothing. -Really?
-Squish City. -Huh.
[Coach Steve sobbing] All right, DJ Pendejo here,
sadder than I've ever been 'cause they're about to kill my old house.
-[thumping dance music plays] -Pew, pew, pew. [whines]
Okay, who wants some really old cotton-candy brandy?
Pour it straight down my gullet, babe.
Ho-ho, yeah!
-[gasps] Hold my butt while I do it. -Glug, glug.
-Isn't it so weird being back here?
Everything looks so small.
It is the same size. You have just grown larger.
-[Maury] Andrew, come on. -[Andrew] Maury?
-It's me. Trust me. -What's he doing out there?
Hey, about last night…
I… I can't jerk off at school, Maury.
Whoa. Is this, like, a memory?
Oh, come on. Just go to the bathroom and think about Julie Bowen
choking you out with her thighs.
Well, when you put it like that…
-Race you, Andy! -[chuckles]
I remember that.
[chuckles] I ended up busting a nut. But where the hell is Maury?
-Psst. Hey, fuckface. -[gasps]
Ready to drain your purple prick again?
-You mean here? -Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you want me to rent you a hotel room, princess?
Oh God. Is this gonna be our game?
Maybe it is. You scared, baby bitch?
No. In fact, I jerk off wherever I please.
Oh yeah? Well, then let's fucking see it.
Oh, you wanna see it? Well, then let me fucking show it to you.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stupid, not here. Let's go to the bathroom.
-Oh. -Jesus!
-[tinkling, nostalgic music plays] -[laughter]
Oh my gosh! There's so many memories.
-[Jessi farts] -[past Ali grunts, chuckles]
-Whoa. -[chuckles]
And there's DeVon.
Oh, I miss him so much.
Aw, Matthew, look at that.
It's the first time we kissed.
-[smooch] -[Matthew murmurs]
-Well, then. -[laughs] Ho!
I am so bisexual.
Wow. It was pretty hot.
Yeah, I don't know. I don't see it. It's giving zero sparks.
Aw, I'm sorry, babe. I didn't mean to make you feel insecure.
I'm not insecure!
I just think you're a piece of shit
because you kissed someone else and remembered it fondly.
-Okay, here we go. -Oh, we're airing grievances? Great!
-I got one. -Oh yeah?
You never said "I love you" back.
Well, that's a good point! Total touché.
Wait, really?
But how about I make up for it and give you something
that stupid Matthew never could?
-Why am I a part of this? -Oh yeah? What's that?
Your first blowie, of course.
Actually… [trills lips] …someone already did that.
Uh… hello.
What?! He took your blow-ginity?
And you tell me this on the day of my middle school's demolition?
I hate you, Jay!
-I'm sorry, babe. -[cries]
-But he practically begged me! -I didn't beg.
I just… rang your doorbell and asked nicely.
Oh, Mona, look. It's my first day of middle school.
My God. Those vile overalls, the headband.
-[past Missy exhales] -You were really cute.
[sighs] What I wouldn't give to go back.
Um, pardon me. Uh, do you know how to get to the library?
Holy Shrekballs! You can see me?
Of course.
Hi, I'm Missy Foreman-Greenwald.
It's very nice to meet you.
Don't you bleeping recognize me, you marshmallow? I'm you in the future.
Suck my dick! No fucking way!
Missy, language!
[ethereal whirring]
Whoa. Connie, what is that?
You mean that big fucking scary white void that's eating everything up?
Yeah, it's, like, coming right at us. Let's go check it out.
What, are you crazy?
Jessi, wait, bitch! No!
Come on!
Fuck. What is that thing?
No big deal.
Just the big, terrifying nothingness of the future!
So my future's in there?
Yeah, and it could be completely fucked!
-Holy shit. -[Tito gasps]
-What if Camden dumps you? -Oh no.
[Tito] What if you don't get into any Ivy League colleges?
-Oh. -[body thuds]
What if you have to go to Tufts?
Oh God! Not Tufts!
-[echoing] What the hell is Tufts? -[Jessi groans]
Well, hold on now.
We don't know any of that stuff is actually gonna happen.
Oh, thank you, Kitty.
-Here's what we do know. -[foreboding music plays]
[Depression Kitty] Your parents are gonna die.
-[gasps] -You are gonna die.
-Oh fuck! -[bell tolls]
[Connie] Look, Jessi.
She knows your death date! This shit is real!
What the hell?
[Depression Kitty] And finally…
[voice distorts menacingly, echoes] …all of humanity is gonna die!
-[Jessi hyperventilating] -Goddamn, Jessi!
I'm gonna… [retches]
-Oh God. It's getting closer. -Oh. Oh fuck! Run, Jessi!
Run before the future swallows you up and shits you out at Tufts!
[Jessi panting]
-[past Maury and Andrew chuckle] -Man, look at us.
We were so young and perverted.
-[tinkling, nostalgic music plays] -Aw, and we're in our special stall.
[Maury] Yeah, that's it. Twist the tip.
Oh, oh, oh. This must be the time that I came all over my new Asics.
-Ah! What the fuck? -Ah! Andrew!
-It's not what you think! -You're helping Nick jerk off!
Oh yeah. So you actually got it.
You're cheating on me with my best friend!
Dude, we're not, like, dating. I'm just his new hormone monster.
I'm sorry, Andrew. He… he told me not to tell you.
-You shut the fuck up! Fuck you! -You shut the fuck up, Nick!
Hold on. Is this slut why you've been so distant with me?
-No. He means nothing to me. -Hey!
Then what is it, Maury? Tell me. You owe me at least that much.
Fine. I'm leaving you, okay?
-What? -Oh God.
-I feel like I'm gonna faint. -Oh, calm down.
But I don't get this. [sobs] Why are you leaving me?
-Did I do something? -No! Don't you get it?
-Your puberty's over. It's done. -What?
No more growing.
Your body's just gonna get a little worse every day until you die.
So that's it? I'm never gonna see you again?
-You could probably see him at my house. -You stay out of this!
-Yeah, shut up, you fucking tramp! -Whoa!
You stole my goddamn fucking hormone monster!
Hey, you don't own me!
We just, like, collabed for a few years.
-No, no, no. Don't you dare do that. -[poignant music plays]
We're actual friends. How can you be this cold?
'Cause it's just business, okay? I am a hormone monster. This is my job.
Do me this.
Look me in the eyes and tell me that what we had wasn't special.
It… wasn't… special.
[gasps, sobbing] You really are a monster.
-[crying] -[door opens, closes]
-Oh man. Should we, like, go after him? -[music fades out]
-Shut up, shit stain! -What?
Just finish jacking off and shoot on the wall!
-Now! -Oh. Oh. Oh, okay.
I said paint the fucking wall, bitch!
[Nick murmuring anxiously]
-Matthew. -Oh.
We need to talk.
I know how to cancel out the blow job you gave Jay.
Uh-huh?
I need to blow you.
[laughs]
-What? -You gave Jay his first blowie.
-Oh God. -And now I'll give you your first blowie.
Lola, listen. You don't wanna give me a blow job.
I think you wanna tell Jay that you love him.
Um, first of all, pish. Second of all, posh.
My point is you love Jay. You can't stay broken up.
You can't keep your hands off him.
It's toxic, but you're perfect for each other.
But history has proven that when I tell someone I love them,
they ultimately leave me to follow Hoobastank around the world.
Oh God.
Well, I'm sorry your mom left, honey.
But you don't know that Jay's gonna do that to you.
Jay is the best part of my life and the father of my dog.
I just can't risk losing him.
Lola, you have to be vulnerable.
Even if you might get hurt or embarrassed, it's worth it.
Hum… Considering gay advice.
Come on, Matt. What about you being vulnerable?
Don't you wanna let loose and be a horny little freak?
-[Matthew] Hmm. -Yeah!
You know you wanna be a nasty, perverted fuck slut.
[babbles]
Oh God.
-[tinkling, nostalgic music plays] -Dang! Look at me in the future.
The hair, the clothes, the chic 'tude.
Oh, thanks.
So… tell me what our life is like.
-Well, let's see. I'm in high school. -Whoa!
And I'm in the Robotics Club.
Okay, cool alert.
And I have a boyfriend who's, well… he's basically Nathan Fillion!
Holy fuck!
-You okay? -I'm flippin' fantastic.
Sounds like our life is bangaranging.
You know, it's funny,
I was kind of wishing I could go back to… to being you.
Huh?
When things were simpler and safer and our parents were our best friends.
Our parents aren't our best friends anymore?
Everything's different now.
Things are changing really fast,
and I'm kinda freaked out about the future.
But you're my future,
and you're pretty dang cool.
So what if your future is even cooler?
Huh. That actually makes a lot of sense.
Thanks… me.
-[chuckles] -You're welcome, me.
-[Missys] Oh. -Oh, how very lovely.
All the wet from my pussy is going straight to my eyes.
[sobs] Oh.
Ah, Andrew, there you are. I've been looking all over for you.
Well, here I am,
pondering my bald, lonely future.
Hey, man, I'm really sorry that I ended up getting Maury.
Ah, it's okay. It's not that… It's not that he helps you.
It's just…
I'm upset 'cause it feels like he doesn't even care that he's leaving me.
Yeah, he's kind of a psychopath.
He said I'm gonna jack it so hard, my dick will need a skin graft.
A skin graft, yeah. That's just how he talks, though.
-Yeah. -But you know what?
-Beneath all his horny bluster… -Uh-huh?
…Maury's just a teddy bear.
-Really? -Yeah.
He's a sick, twisted, horned teddy bear that makes kids jack off,
and I'm gonna miss him so much.
-[clicks tongue] Aw, Andrew. -The fat little belly and his furry cock.
I… I'm sure he wouldn't leave if he didn't think you could handle it.
[sniffles] You think so?
Yeah. I mean, you've matured so much.
I can't even remember the last time I saw your genitals in public.
-Last week, at the skating rink. -Oh, right, yeah.
[both] Over by the vending machines.
You know what it is?
I'm just really afraid to be without him, Nick.
I just… I don't wanna be alone.
You're not alone.
You'll always have me,
a real human best friend.
You promise?
-Of course. Come here. -You'll always have me too.
-Come here. [grunts] -Oh.
-[ethereal whirring] -Uh, Andrew, wh… what's that?
It's called male vulnerability, Nick.
No, that.
[Andrew] Oh shit!
[whirring]
Okay, boys, I figured out how to quell my fears
and light my labial fire.
Listening.
Jay, you're gonna blow Matthew, and I'm gonna watch.
-What? -It's the perfect plan.
Lola, how in the world does that solve your problem?
Yeah, it's stupid.
But, like, if it was to work, how would it work?
-Oh my God. It's so simple. -Go into dirty detail.
I get to conquer my insecurities by watching the man I love…
-What? -…deep-throat his ex.
What the fuck?
Wait, you love me?
-I do, Jay Bilzerian. -[tender music plays]
-I've always loved you. -Oh my God!
I was just too 'fraidy cat to say it.
I love you too, Lola Skumpy.
Also, I canonically love watching men have sex.
She really does.
And so, by the power of this vest on me,
I need to watch you give Matthew a pompino.
-Well, tracks for me. -Uh…
Come on! You know you want Jay's feral mouth around your dick.
I mean, it would be kinda hot,
but with Lola watching?
You love an audience, you little stage whore.
-[chuckles] -[babbles]
Listen, Matthew, I just don't want fear
to keep you from living your horniest life.
I can't believe it,
but I'm gonna listen to you and that disgusting flag.
-Yes! -Pledge allegiance, baby!
Okay, guys, I guess I'm down.
Ménage à Wolf! [howls]
-Let's fucking go! -[buckle clinks, fly unzips]
-[Jay grunts] -[Lola] Oh my God. It's fully happening.
-Matthew's pants are coming down. -[rustling]
Oh! And there goes Jay's pants for some reason.
-[boys grunting] -Wow, audience, I wish you could see this.
-[Jay] Lola, look. -Because… Oh my God.
-This is, like, the rawest shit… -[Matthew moaning]
-…I've ever seen. -[Matthew moans]
-[Lola chuckles] -[Jay gobbling]
Ah! I can't go back out there, Connie!
I told you the future is fucked!
Let's just hide in here.
Ah, yes, stuck in middle school with your glorious past.
-[Jessi] Ugh, the red bra. -[strap snaps]
-[laughter] -So humiliating, right?
-My whole family knows about the shirt. -Oof! Judd's shirt.
Oh, and remember my bat mitzvah?
Your father and I have been struggling for a long time.
[Connie] Oh, and then you started shoplifting.
[Jessi] Wait, but that was actually kind of funny?
[chuckles] I mean, we look so stupid.
-[laughs] Yeah. -[laughs]
-Oh, for fuck's sake, what? -[Connie laughing]
-Oh my God. -Remember that fucking pad?
It was huge.
-[both laughing] -Hold on. Are you laughing?
Can you even believe the sheer volume of full crap I have been through?
-Out of the car! Right now, young lady! -[Connie laughing]
Oh, look at Shannon, all angry with her short-ass neck.
-[laughs] Yeah, her neck is short. -But your life's been terrible.
Look at it!
[chuckles] It is. It is really terrible, but it's also fucking funny.
And it's all in the past.
Exactly.
I made it through, and somehow I am still here.
You are a fucking cockroach, Jessi Glaser.
-You're indestructible. -True.
But if all that already happened…
Imagine what else is gonna happen.
In the future!
-You know what? I think I can handle it. -I highly doubt that you can.
Yeah, but I don't care what you think.
-Oh. -You tell 'em, baby!
-Hey, guys? -My baby.
I give you both permission to just, like, take a break.
Wait, what?!
-Are we even allowed to do that? -I mean, at least for a little while.
-[Tito sighs] -I've got this.
She has got this!
Oh, thank you so much. I'm so tired.
But how do I even take a break from being sad?
I got you, Kitty.
I'ma run you a nice, hot bubble bath.
-[Matthew and Jay moan] -[Lola] Oh my God!
Jay is still totally snarfing that D.
I'm clitorally throbbing right now.
-This is it, Elsa. Let it go! -[Matthew moaning]
Come on! Say something fucking nasty!
-Yes! -Make me blush!
Yeah, Jay.
[babbles]
-Oh, suck my fucking dick, Daddy! -[Jay moaning]
-Finish him! -[dramatic sting]
[sings ascending scale]
Whoa!
[Matthew holding high note]
-[raccoons chitter] -[clatter]
[high note continues]
Kimberly, I think our son just C-U-M-ed.
Take it from the king of jazz.
That kid is the king of jizz.
This show has honored my legacy!
-[laughs] -[high note continues, ends]
-[grunts] -Oh.
-It's so beautiful. -[babbles]
My darling Matthew finally creamed on Netflix
-for all the world to see. -[flag clatters]
-[tender music plays] -Oh, congrats, Maury.
You're one hell of a hormone monster.
Oh, no, Connie. I'm…
[sobs] I'm a terrible hormone monster.
-What's wrong, baby? -I've just been so mean to sweet Andy.
Oh, honey.
Pushing him away just so I don't have to feel
how much it hurts to let him go.
Don't tell me. Tell him.
Yeah. Tell that little fucking perv!
[babbles, rasps]
Come on, man. Let's go.
That white thing's, like, swallowing everything.
Oh! Hey, little fella. What have you got there?
-This is for you, mister. [giggles] -[Andrew] Oh, thank you.
"Meet me at our special spot."
"You know the place. M."
-Oh. -Go to him, Andrew.
["End of the Road" by Boyz II Men plays]
Oh.
-Maury? -Forgive me, Andrew. I…
I was just so upset that our time--
-Look, you don't need to say-- -No, I… I do.
Being your hormone monster has been,
well, frankly, the best experience of my long, filthy life.
Oh, Maury.
And I meant what I said.
-What we had wasn't special. -What?
-It was the most special. -Oh man.
-And I really love you. -[sniffles]
-Oh, I love you. -[Maury clicks tongue] Aw.
And I'm gonna miss you so much.
I'll miss you too, but I'll always be a part of you.
-[Andrew sighs] -The grossest part.
[sniffles] You know, Maury,
it would be a shame to let this lovely setting go to waste.
One last jerk for old time's sake?
What are we thinking? Diane Lane?
Leah's bathing suit?
My father's associate, Susan?
I don't know. I feel like the moment calls for something…
[clicks tongue, inhales] …a little juicier.
Now that is a fat ass.
It is indeed.
-♪ Although we've come… ♪ -[lock clacks to beat]
-♪ To the end of the road ♪ -♪ Although we've come to the end ♪
-♪ Still, I can't let go ♪ -♪ Of the road, I don't want you to… ♪
-[Andrew moans] -♪ Let go, no ♪
-♪ No, no, no, no, no ♪ -♪ It's unnatural ♪
-♪ You belong to me ♪ -[Andrew moaning, Maury crying]
-♪ I belong to you… ♪ -Coming up next, a big white thing.
-Oh shit. It's here. -[ethereal whirring]
-And it is coming right for us. -What the fuck is that?
Um, I think it's the future.
Oh Jesus. What the hell's in there?
I don't think we can know unless we, like, go in.
You want us to go in that thing?
Fuck that! Let's just run away.
Ah. Who's running where now? I'm a little out of breath from, uh…
-Yes, we know. -From masturbating.
[sniffles] It was a special one.
Guys, if that thing is the future or whatever,
I don't think we can just, like, run away from it.
Okay, I know it sounds crazy,
but I'm really thinking we should just walk out there
and embrace it.
But the future's gonna suck.
My mom says when I turn 18,
she's not gonna wipe my butt anymore.
I think you can handle it, Lump.
But what if I peak in high school?
Or what if your life keeps getting better and better like mine?
But I am uncomfortable with new experiences.
I know, Caleb, but new experiences can be…
-[Lola and Jay kissing] -…extremely satisfying.
You are talking about your blow job.
Caleb, I do not like that you know that.
But what if we go in there
and… and… and there's no one to hang out with?
-We'll have each other. -Yeah, we will.
Okay!
[panting]
[ethereal whirring]
[Andrew] Holy shit.
-Are we really gonna do this? -It's so bright.
Yeah.
So?
-[serene, tinkling music plays] -[whoosh]
[Missy] Wow.
Here goes nothing.
[soft, poignant piano music plays]
[Go-Gurt Burglar giggles]
You know, I'm excited to talk dirty to Dewayne.
You should say, "Get down on your knees and taste me."
Jesus, Caleb!
But I'm totally using that.
[tinkling whoosh]
-Oh, my sweet Jay. -Yes, my love?
-I think we should break up. -What?!
I wanna be single in the void!
Fuck!
[tinkling whoosh]
You know, I'm actually pretty excited to see what's out there.
Yeah, me too.
Oh man.
-What? -I… [chuckles]
I think I just got my period.
[chuckles] Perfect timing, right?
[chuckles] Yeah.
Oh, Connie.
We did a pretty good job with our little perverts, didn't we?
Yeah, we sure did, Maury.
There's only one thing that could make this moment better.
A little kiss on my titties?
You read my mind.
Mwah. Mwah.
I love you both very much.
[soft piano music continues]
-Friends forever? -And ever.
Wait, I didn't wash my hands after I jerked off.
Neither did I, buddy. Neither did I.
[both chuckle]
[tinkle]
[music fades out]
["O-o-h Child" by Nina Simone plays]
♪ Ooh, child Things are gonna get easier ♪
♪ Ooh, child, things'll get brighter ♪
♪ Ooh, child Things are gonna get easier ♪
♪ Ooh, child, things'll get brighter ♪
♪ Someday, we'll get together And we'll get it undone ♪
♪ Someday when the world Is much brighter ♪
♪ Someday, we'll walk In the rays of a beautiful sun ♪
♪ Someday when the world is much lighter ♪
-♪ Ooh, child ♪ -♪ Ooh, child ♪
♪ Things are gonna get easier ♪
♪ Ooh, child, things'll get brighter ♪
-♪ Right now ♪ -[music fades out]
♪ Brutus Pink ♪
Chirp.