1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,000 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 2 00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:13,055 Jessi, what's taking so long? 3 00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:15,474 I feel gross and nothing looks good. 4 00:00:15,557 --> 00:00:18,685 Oh, honey, that's how the fashion industry wants you to feel, 5 00:00:18,769 --> 00:00:20,854 so you spend all your money at Forever 21 6 00:00:20,938 --> 00:00:24,983 on clothes made by Malaysian toddlers, who smoke, by the way. 7 00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:26,527 Why don't you just wear the white shorts? 8 00:00:26,528 --> 00:00:27,903 You always look so cute in them. 9 00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:29,780 Mom, you think I look cute in everything. 10 00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:33,534 No, I don't. You wear some things I find very unflattering. 11 00:00:33,617 --> 00:00:36,537 So, what's the deal with you and Jessi? 12 00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:39,081 Have you seen her since, you know, the kiss? 13 00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:40,958 Yeah. I sent her a text that said "Hey," 14 00:00:41,041 --> 00:00:43,502 she sent me a video of a dog dressed like a fisherman. 15 00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:46,255 - Oh, my God. I guess she likes you? - I think so. 16 00:00:46,338 --> 00:00:49,216 I mean, the dog had a hat and a raincoat, tiny fishing pole... 17 00:00:49,299 --> 00:00:51,843 - No, I've seen it. - Fun and playful, but also... 18 00:00:51,927 --> 00:00:54,346 - You don't send it lightly. - Still figuring out what to send back. 19 00:00:54,429 --> 00:00:56,515 Ooh, ooh, ooh. Tell him to send a dick pic. 20 00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:59,560 Girls love that, especially when it comes out of nowhere 21 00:00:59,643 --> 00:01:01,186 with, like, zero context. 22 00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:37,389 God, I love field trip day! 23 00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:38,928 Can't wait to see which one of these dopes 24 00:01:38,929 --> 00:01:40,350 forgot their permission slip. 25 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,644 And you two, Devin and Devin, 26 00:01:42,728 --> 00:01:45,105 - aka the Devins. - We're the Devins. 27 00:01:45,188 --> 00:01:47,899 You look great as always, you post-racial power couple. 28 00:01:47,983 --> 00:01:50,819 - It's like genuinely not a big deal. - Hey, guys. 29 00:01:50,902 --> 00:01:53,864 Speaking of couples, Nick, what's the deal with you and Jessi? 30 00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:57,200 - Being in a relationship is so magical. - Are y'all dating or what? 31 00:01:57,284 --> 00:01:58,452 - Uh... - Uh! 32 00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:00,829 Listen to me, Nick, you're a cute little nugget. 33 00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:03,707 You're funny, sometimes, but you're tiny and you need a hook. 34 00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:07,252 - Cute and funny seems like a decent hook. - Jessi's on the rise. 35 00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:09,630 Smart girls are having a moment, for now. 36 00:02:09,713 --> 00:02:11,548 Frankly I'm not even sure what she sees in you. 37 00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:14,301 A lot of Nick's appeal is revealed the more you get to know him. 38 00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:17,596 - Huh! And then there's this one. - I knew I shouldn't have said anything. 39 00:02:17,679 --> 00:02:20,515 You and Male Lesbian are middle-of-the-bus people. 40 00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:23,143 Want to make it to the back? Lock it down with Jessi 41 00:02:23,226 --> 00:02:25,562 and lose "Billie Jean King." 42 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,522 Look who's arrived. 43 00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:31,652 Your booty is bangin' in those white shorts, you little fox. 44 00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:33,862 Really? They were my male cousin's. 45 00:02:33,945 --> 00:02:36,490 - Jessi, hey. - Hi. Oh... ! 46 00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:38,116 - Oh, a hug? - Yeah, or... 47 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:41,370 - No, I mean, yeah, we could do that, or... - How about... Is this... ? 48 00:02:41,453 --> 00:02:43,955 - What if we did like a whirr... ? - Oh, is... ? 49 00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:44,915 Ta-da! 50 00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:48,377 That's so sweet. Look how awkward they are. 51 00:02:48,460 --> 00:02:52,672 Yeah. Yeah, I can see this. It's not for me but people will like it. 52 00:02:52,756 --> 00:02:54,299 It's Starbucks. It's what America wants. 53 00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:56,593 So what's the deal? Are y'all a couple, or what? 54 00:03:02,432 --> 00:03:05,477 Oh, shit, what these motherfuckers gonna do? 55 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:07,729 - So what's the deal, you two? - Um... 56 00:03:07,813 --> 00:03:09,981 I... I think maybe... 57 00:03:10,065 --> 00:03:12,150 - Yes, we're dating? - Yeah. 58 00:03:15,153 --> 00:03:17,114 Whoa, everyone's couplin' up. 59 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:20,659 Nick and Jessi, my mom and her hospice nurse Roberto. 60 00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:22,911 Love is in the air. 61 00:03:22,994 --> 00:03:24,579 Okay, so, what are we thinking? 62 00:03:24,663 --> 00:03:27,374 Find the first seat that doesn't have a swastika carved in the back? 63 00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:30,502 Eh, Nicky, in the back, man. We're back here. Couples in the back. 64 00:03:30,585 --> 00:03:33,880 Oh. I guess we're supposed to sit together? 65 00:03:33,964 --> 00:03:35,590 - At the back of the bus? - Yeah. 66 00:03:35,674 --> 00:03:37,843 - Oh. - Oh, are you cool with that? 67 00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:39,261 Yeah, surely. 68 00:03:39,344 --> 00:03:41,555 I mean, the back of the bus is for couples, 69 00:03:41,638 --> 00:03:43,140 and of course that wheelchair kid 70 00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,350 so that the cool kids don't get in trouble for exclusion. 71 00:03:45,434 --> 00:03:48,603 Also, they need to load this little motherfucker from the back. 72 00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:51,106 You know, I could walk until I was vaccinated. 73 00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:54,025 Jessi, Nick, hi. Are you guys joining us? 74 00:03:54,109 --> 00:03:58,530 Go! I'll be fine. Just remember everything that happens... 75 00:03:58,613 --> 00:04:01,032 - Later, Andrew. - ... so you can tell me later. 76 00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:03,744 - Milady. - Thank you, good sir. 77 00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:07,205 Okay, this is a good thing, sweetheart. 78 00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:10,667 - I do not like when you call me that. - Now you can sit next to a girl, 79 00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,961 outside thigh against outside thigh, 80 00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:15,464 tip of elbow against bottom corner of boob. 81 00:04:15,547 --> 00:04:17,466 Your buddy Jay over there has got the idea. 82 00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:19,468 - Is this your card? - No. 83 00:04:19,551 --> 00:04:21,678 - Fuck! - Maybe it is my card? 84 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:24,014 Why won't you go out with me?! 85 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,098 Come on, come on, come on. 86 00:04:25,182 --> 00:04:26,725 Get your ass in a seat before it's too late. 87 00:04:26,808 --> 00:04:29,269 No, no, no, no. Don't sit with the kid with the rolly backpack. 88 00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:31,897 - He can't read social cues. - Hi, you're looking at me. 89 00:04:31,980 --> 00:04:33,982 How tall are you? There's a monster next to you. 90 00:04:34,065 --> 00:04:35,317 Eh, what's up, Caleb? 91 00:04:36,568 --> 00:04:38,153 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sit with her. 92 00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:41,406 Remember when she made you jizz your pants at the dance? 93 00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:44,367 No, I forgot when I publicly ejaculated. 94 00:04:44,451 --> 00:04:46,077 - Really? - No. I'm never gonna forget that. 95 00:04:50,373 --> 00:04:52,959 Come on, she has no idea what happened. 96 00:04:53,043 --> 00:04:55,378 And besides, you don't know what's in that backpack. 97 00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:58,131 Ooh... ! I bet it's filled to the brim with dildos. 98 00:04:58,215 --> 00:05:00,634 Hey, Andrew, do you wanna play Travel Scrabble? 99 00:05:00,717 --> 00:05:02,093 Oh! 100 00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:04,262 She wants it so bad. 101 00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:06,636 Jesus, Andrew, if you don't find a seat soon 102 00:05:06,637 --> 00:05:07,637 we're gonna get stuck with... 103 00:05:07,699 --> 00:05:11,311 - Cop a squat, my dude. - No! 104 00:05:11,394 --> 00:05:12,979 Oh, fuck a duck. 105 00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:15,482 I'm gonna go... I'm gonna go fuck a duck. 106 00:05:15,565 --> 00:05:17,567 So what's the deal, Andrew? You dating anyone? 107 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:21,196 I'm personally, not currently, or really in the past, 108 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:24,115 but, well, there is one woman in my life. 109 00:05:24,199 --> 00:05:27,118 She's rusty green and she's a thousand feet tall, 110 00:05:27,202 --> 00:05:29,246 AKA the Statue of Liberty, 111 00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:32,541 AKA where we're going on our class trip today, kiddo. 112 00:05:32,624 --> 00:05:37,504 AKA another example of American mythmaking, gang. 113 00:05:37,587 --> 00:05:40,882 We stole this entire country from the Native Americans. 114 00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:44,219 Oh, my God, he's so deep! 115 00:05:44,302 --> 00:05:46,403 Okay, first of all, the Indians gave us 116 00:05:46,404 --> 00:05:48,473 this country for Thanksgiving, okay? 117 00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:51,351 So no backsies, they can't be Indian givers. 118 00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:54,688 - Pun intended, so... - Okay. 119 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:01,236 So, back of the bus, huh? 120 00:06:01,319 --> 00:06:03,655 Can I get you something to drink? 121 00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:07,075 - Orange juice, champagne? - They have beverage service back here? 122 00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:09,327 No, no, no, no, no. He's the bus driver's son. He's insane. 123 00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:12,163 We'll be offering warm cookies when we arrive at the statue, 124 00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:14,874 so don't fill up on bread. 125 00:06:17,752 --> 00:06:19,963 So you guys gonna tongue each other or what? 126 00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:22,632 Oh... ! Are we supposed to be doing that? 127 00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:24,884 We don't have to if we don't want to. 128 00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:28,138 Yeah. It just feels early in the morning to be making out. 129 00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:30,265 - Yeah. No, I hear you. - Mm, yeah. 130 00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:32,475 You taste like birthday cake Pop-Tarts. 131 00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:36,313 I'm actually good with, like, a light hand-hold. 132 00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:37,522 - Great. - Good. 133 00:06:37,606 --> 00:06:39,566 Why didn't you guys get champagne? It's free. 134 00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:45,113 - Come on, Nick, I'll race you to the top. - Boys go with boys, 135 00:06:45,196 --> 00:06:47,866 and girls go with girls. That way we can talk about each other 136 00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:50,285 and then we'll meet at the top for couples pics! 137 00:06:50,368 --> 00:06:52,704 - That sound good to you? - Couples pics? 138 00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:54,956 Don't you remember last week when we made fun of people 139 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:56,374 with shared Instagram accounts? 140 00:06:56,458 --> 00:06:59,336 I do, I do. But my thinking on that has evolved. 141 00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:04,883 Uh, okay. I guess I'll see you up there for a... "couples pic." 142 00:07:09,304 --> 00:07:11,264 Did that little bastard just ditch you? 143 00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:14,225 Well, I guess he's supposed to hang out with his couple friends. 144 00:07:14,309 --> 00:07:17,270 Yeah, pretty soon I bet they'll all be swinging together, 145 00:07:17,354 --> 00:07:19,189 just a big old fuck and suck. 146 00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:21,358 Maybe you can be the guy who jerks off in the corner. 147 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:24,986 Every orgy needs a witness and baby wipes. 148 00:07:25,070 --> 00:07:27,364 So, does Nick know when your birthday is? 149 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:28,990 Uh, I guess. 150 00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:31,660 Oh, sweetie, it's your most important couple holiday. 151 00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:34,996 Devin, can I talk to you, like, in private? 152 00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:39,876 Okay, Lola. Wow. She gets so jealous when I talk to, like, anything. 153 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:47,258 It comes to this. Jay! What's up? 154 00:07:47,342 --> 00:07:49,844 - Should we climb this gal together? - Can't talk right now. 155 00:07:49,928 --> 00:07:52,806 I'm centering myself before my greatest trick yet. 156 00:07:52,889 --> 00:07:54,599 - Okay. - What trick, you ask? 157 00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:58,103 By day's end, I will replicate my fifth favorite magician 158 00:07:58,186 --> 00:08:00,313 David Copperfield's famous illusion... 159 00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:04,776 I will make the Statue of Liberty disappear. 160 00:08:04,859 --> 00:08:07,696 - You got eyes on that little brown kid? - Course I do. He's a little brown kid. 161 00:08:07,779 --> 00:08:11,241 Okay, well, maybe I can help you with your trick. 162 00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,827 What the hell? Why does everyone keep ditching me? 163 00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:16,371 Because you smell like an Israeli disco. 164 00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:19,232 So what exactly does a boyfriend do? 165 00:08:19,233 --> 00:08:20,959 Like, what are my responsibilities? 166 00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:24,212 You just gotta be there for her, you know? Before class, after class, 167 00:08:24,295 --> 00:08:26,631 lunchtime, bedtime... you're never off the clock, really. 168 00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:29,009 - Isn't that exhausting? - I'm telling you, bro, it's great. 169 00:08:29,092 --> 00:08:30,802 You just have to make a couple of compromises. 170 00:08:30,885 --> 00:08:33,680 - Like what? - For example, my name is actually Devon, 171 00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:35,807 but she makes me go by "Devin" so we match. 172 00:08:35,890 --> 00:08:39,436 Oh, right, it's Devon. I don't know if I could change my name. 173 00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,646 You'll get used to it, Jesse. See that? I flipped it. 174 00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:42,564 I see now. 175 00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:45,316 Hey, there you are. Have you seen Nick? 176 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,111 - Ugh. We're not married. - But you are dating, right? 177 00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:51,948 I guess. I mean, we kissed, we texted twice, 178 00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:54,701 then suddenly we're sitting in the back of the bus with the couples. 179 00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:56,786 - And that wheelchair kid. - Who was drunk. 180 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,955 I heard you sent Nick a dog fisherman. 181 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:00,957 He told you that? What else did he tell you? 182 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:03,835 - Oh, I don't know if I should say. - Andrew, it's just me. 183 00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:07,797 No, I know, but now you're, you know, "my friend's lady." 184 00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:11,259 Ugh! I'm not a lady. You know what? Forget I said anything. 185 00:09:11,342 --> 00:09:12,719 - Hey, Jessi... - What?! 186 00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:15,805 Oh... I think you sat in ice cream... ? 187 00:09:19,225 --> 00:09:21,978 I also sat in ice cream. We're the same. 188 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:24,064 I've got to go to the bathroom right now. 189 00:09:24,147 --> 00:09:26,733 Wait, are you okay? I... I can come with you. 190 00:09:26,816 --> 00:09:30,487 Actually, I sat in ice cream on purpose. I was trying to cool down. 191 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:33,782 Oh, I feel you, buddy. I have a super dry tongue. Look. 192 00:09:33,865 --> 00:09:34,783 Ah-hh! 193 00:09:34,866 --> 00:09:38,870 Actually, I have to wet it manually every hour. It's a real nightmare. 194 00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:42,665 Upside, I get to eat a lot of Rocket Pops, so yin-yang. 195 00:09:44,501 --> 00:09:48,713 Uh, Jessi, are you okay? Should I get Coach Steve or a grownup? 196 00:09:48,797 --> 00:09:51,341 I'm fine. Do not get Coach Steve. 197 00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:55,470 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is not happening. 198 00:09:55,553 --> 00:10:00,892 I just got my first period in the fucking Statue of Liberty. 199 00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:04,604 Okay, I just need to find something to... 200 00:10:04,687 --> 00:10:06,439 What the hell? 201 00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:09,192 Oh, my God, this is the worst. 202 00:10:10,568 --> 00:10:14,197 What sadistic female-hating janitor stocks this bathroom? 203 00:10:14,280 --> 00:10:18,952 You leave me, Svetlana, I fuck your whole gender! 204 00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:22,247 Jessi, what's going on in there? Oh, my God, are you a drug mule? 205 00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:24,207 Did your heroin balloon burst inside your body? 206 00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:25,375 Say something, anything. 207 00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:29,504 Actually, Andrew, can you come in here? 208 00:10:29,587 --> 00:10:31,089 - Am I allowed? - Just get in here! 209 00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:35,844 Oh. It's the same. Look, What's going on? 210 00:10:35,927 --> 00:10:38,429 Okay, I would never tell a guy this, 211 00:10:38,513 --> 00:10:40,890 - but since it's just you... - Hurtful. Continue. 212 00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:43,685 ... I got my period. 213 00:10:43,893 --> 00:10:45,854 I'm so sorry... 214 00:10:46,938 --> 00:10:49,524 Whew. Could you pass me some toilet paper? 215 00:10:49,607 --> 00:10:51,109 There isn't any! 216 00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:56,531 Missy, have you seen Jessi? We were supposed to meet up here. 217 00:10:56,614 --> 00:10:59,492 Uh, no, I haven't, but if you look over there... 218 00:10:59,576 --> 00:11:01,703 - Missy. - ... you can see Ellis Island, 219 00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:05,039 the entryway for generations of "huddled masses." 220 00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,833 - Just... - Lots of people who were turned away 221 00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:09,919 because of an eye disease that they didn't even know they had. 222 00:11:10,003 --> 00:11:11,754 Okay, so that's a no on Jessi? 223 00:11:13,256 --> 00:11:15,300 Look at her, she's the American dream. 224 00:11:15,383 --> 00:11:17,282 I mean, she started from the bottom of the sea, 225 00:11:17,283 --> 00:11:18,887 built herself up from nothing, 226 00:11:18,970 --> 00:11:21,598 and now she's this big huge statue. 227 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:24,392 Actually, she was a gift from the French. 228 00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:26,519 Typical imperialist patriarchy. 229 00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:29,063 Okay, there's no way Lady Liberty's French. 230 00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:31,274 They did not teach me that at Fordham University. 231 00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:32,609 - Where'd you go? - Ahem, Apex Tech. 232 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:34,652 - I'm sorry. Where? - Full disclosure... The Learning Annex. 233 00:11:34,736 --> 00:11:36,738 - Where was it? - Truth be told, the Internet. 234 00:11:36,821 --> 00:11:38,323 - I can't read. - Hmm. I didn't think so. 235 00:11:38,406 --> 00:11:41,200 Now look at me like you can't believe we're together. 236 00:11:41,284 --> 00:11:43,786 - Guys, do you know where Jessi is? - You don't know? 237 00:11:43,870 --> 00:11:45,455 Check your back pocket. Is her hand in there? 238 00:11:45,538 --> 00:11:47,749 I saw her go into the bathroom with Andrew G. 239 00:11:47,832 --> 00:11:50,280 The following is a list of other people I saw 240 00:11:50,281 --> 00:11:51,794 go into the bathroom today... 241 00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:54,339 Eric L., Kevin B., Sasha S. 242 00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:57,008 Whoa! Sasha made the list. All right! 243 00:11:57,091 --> 00:11:59,969 Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Does it hurt? 244 00:12:00,053 --> 00:12:02,430 - Well, it doesn't feel good. - I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. 245 00:12:02,513 --> 00:12:06,267 Just go to the gift shop and see if they have any... feminine products. 246 00:12:06,351 --> 00:12:09,187 Okay, great. Should I keep a receipt, and you reimburse me later? 247 00:12:09,270 --> 00:12:11,856 - Blood is coming out of my vagina! - Okay, then, my treat. 248 00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:15,693 What am I gonna do? 249 00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:21,491 ACCENT] Hello, Jessi. 250 00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:23,826 As the largest woman in the world, 251 00:12:23,910 --> 00:12:27,163 I welcome you into the covenant of menstruation. 252 00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:29,582 Oh, thank God, a woman. 253 00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:32,919 I'm so scared right now. There's so much blood. 254 00:12:33,002 --> 00:12:34,253 Am I gonna be okay? 255 00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:36,923 Being a woman is misery. 256 00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:41,219 Nothing but pain and unwanted babies from terrible lovers, 257 00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:43,012 and worst of all, le cramp. 258 00:12:43,096 --> 00:12:46,432 Ugh. What if I don't want to be a woman? I like how I am now. 259 00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:50,019 Change, it comes whether you want it or not, 260 00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:55,024 like disgusting pigeons who defecate and fornicate on your shoulder. 261 00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:57,568 You're kind of a bummer. 262 00:12:57,652 --> 00:13:00,738 Oh, well, I'm so sorry I'm not more American, 263 00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:03,992 sunny Mickey Mouse baba-booey bullshit. 264 00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:08,496 You are a woman now, Jessi, and nothing will ever be the same again. 265 00:13:08,579 --> 00:13:11,582 Jesus. Is there anything good about being a woman? 266 00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:16,713 If you're very lucky a man will jack off at you on the subway, 267 00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,131 so, no. 268 00:13:20,383 --> 00:13:22,343 Empty your pockets, Aladdin Bin Laden. 269 00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:24,505 Guys, guys, I really wasn't going to make 270 00:13:24,506 --> 00:13:25,722 the Statue of Liberty disappear. 271 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:29,142 Well, well, well. What were you planning on doing with these? 272 00:13:29,225 --> 00:13:32,937 Aw, those are just for a magic trick. I can prove it. May I? 273 00:13:34,731 --> 00:13:36,149 Whoa! 274 00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:38,943 Wow! You're the most talented person I ever met! 275 00:13:39,027 --> 00:13:42,155 Not to name drop, but we brought Hoda Kotb here one time. 276 00:13:42,238 --> 00:13:46,909 Hoda Kotb, from the drunk ladies' hour of the Today Show? Wow. 277 00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:50,163 - What else can you do? - Well, before I do any more tricks, 278 00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:52,999 I'll have to get out of my handcuffs! 279 00:13:53,499 --> 00:13:55,043 - Wow! - Oh, man! 280 00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:57,462 - Wait a minute. Did we cuff him? - No, you didn't. 281 00:13:57,545 --> 00:13:58,671 I brought these from home. 282 00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:01,591 You never know when you're gonna really need to wow someone. 283 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,760 This kid's so much cooler than Kal Penn. 284 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,220 Oh, yeah. Kal Penn can straight up go fuck himself. 285 00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:08,723 - Yeah, fuck Kal Penn! - Guys, that's too far. 286 00:14:08,806 --> 00:14:12,018 Are you there, Jessi? It's me, Andrew. 287 00:14:12,101 --> 00:14:14,062 - I get it, Andrew. - I was hoping you would. 288 00:14:14,145 --> 00:14:15,646 - Did you find something? - I did. 289 00:14:17,315 --> 00:14:19,859 Are you kidding? What am I supposed to do with this thing? 290 00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:21,861 - It's huge. - And I apologize. 291 00:14:21,944 --> 00:14:23,613 It was either this or a Yankee pennant, 292 00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:24,979 and I just felt uncomfortable 293 00:14:24,980 --> 00:14:27,116 with you having the Yankees so close to your... 294 00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:29,369 blessing, 'cause, you know, "Let's go, Mets." 295 00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:31,871 - Let's go, Mets. - Let's go, Mets! 296 00:14:31,954 --> 00:14:33,706 Someone else is in here now. 297 00:14:33,790 --> 00:14:35,500 Okay, I'm gonna go. Let's go, Mets. 298 00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:38,002 Let's go, Mets! 299 00:14:39,587 --> 00:14:42,298 - What's your problem, babe? - It's not a problem. 300 00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:45,802 I'm just asking you not to hashtag our photo "The Devins." 301 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:48,346 - Devin, but why? - Because my name is Devon! 302 00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:53,267 I can't believe I'm wearing a 9/11 towel as a diaper 303 00:14:53,351 --> 00:14:54,644 and I wore white shorts 304 00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:57,397 on the worst day in history to wear white shorts. 305 00:14:57,480 --> 00:15:00,066 Here, for your... you know, "ice cream butt." 306 00:15:00,149 --> 00:15:01,984 Thanks. You're a good friend. 307 00:15:03,027 --> 00:15:05,238 What? What are they doing? 308 00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:07,698 Tsk, tsk. Oh, let me guess. You're looking at Andrew and Jessi? 309 00:15:07,782 --> 00:15:10,993 - Why do you have binoculars? - Because tourists are hilarious. 310 00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:14,247 Tilt to the right if you wanna see a grown man in a Minions T-shirt. 311 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:17,917 - What is that? You smell that? - I don't smell anything. 312 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:22,213 - That's period blood. - Oh, my God, you're a really bad guy. 313 00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:25,341 This is blood lust, Andrew, literal blood lust. 314 00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,301 - Only one thing to do. - Do not say... 315 00:15:27,385 --> 00:15:29,178 - Fuck her face! - What you just said. 316 00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:31,931 Promise all of this stays between you and me? 317 00:15:32,014 --> 00:15:36,394 Of course, just you and me and that gigantic 9/11 towel. 318 00:15:36,477 --> 00:15:38,479 - Never forget. - "Never forget"! 319 00:15:38,563 --> 00:15:43,109 The key is to trust that the right card will appear 320 00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:45,736 when you need it most! 321 00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:47,822 - Is this your card? - That's my signature. 322 00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:49,866 - That's amazing. - Oh, man. 323 00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,993 You're free to go, buddy. You're too good. 324 00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:53,453 Magic is the best! 325 00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,955 I live alone and have nothing and no one. 326 00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:00,209 Jessi, what the hell? You were supposed to meet me in the head. 327 00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:02,462 I actually think it's the crown, or is it a visor? 328 00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:04,380 Whatever, Andrew. I thought we were going out. 329 00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,883 - There are rules to this. - Who gives a shit about the rules? 330 00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,759 I do! I was up there all alone. 331 00:16:08,843 --> 00:16:10,720 I looked like an idiot in front of the Devins. 332 00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:12,889 - Nick, go easy on her. - Why are you taking her side? 333 00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:16,100 I'm not taking anyone's side. I just want us all to be friends, 334 00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:18,644 and you were off hanging with Devon, so I was trying to help Jessi. 335 00:16:18,728 --> 00:16:20,229 - Help her with what? - Nothing. 336 00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:22,732 - I saw you hugging her. - That's only 'cause... 337 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,525 - 'Cause what, Andrew? - 'Cause she got her period! 338 00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:26,444 Andrew! 339 00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:28,779 - I'm sorry. - Sorry for what? 340 00:16:28,863 --> 00:16:31,991 - Sorry you got your period? - Don't be sorry. 341 00:16:32,074 --> 00:16:34,368 It's not a disease, it's totally normal. 342 00:16:34,452 --> 00:16:37,288 And I know nobody talks about it but everyone gets their period 343 00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:41,667 and now I got mine, in white fucking shorts! 344 00:16:42,835 --> 00:16:45,838 Oh, my God. 345 00:16:45,922 --> 00:16:48,132 I'm above this, so I'm not gonna comment. 346 00:16:48,216 --> 00:16:50,259 Jessi's ice cream was menstrual blood. 347 00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:52,637 But I will say this... I need some fresh air 348 00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:55,223 because this is Terry Gross. 349 00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:59,268 Whoa. This is a nightmare. This is what we're all afraid of. 350 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:01,103 Again, I'm gonna stay out of this, 351 00:17:01,187 --> 00:17:04,774 but it was less of a period and more of an exclamation point. 352 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,652 And worst of all, bitch wore white shorts. 353 00:17:07,735 --> 00:17:10,321 That's right, I made it off the bus. 354 00:17:10,404 --> 00:17:13,282 I rode on Missy's little square-ass backpack. 355 00:17:13,366 --> 00:17:17,286 You guys, you guys, I just had the best day ever. 356 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:20,289 Hey, Jessi, what's this behind your ear? 357 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,083 Not now, Jay, I am not in the mood. 358 00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:24,544 Oh, what are you, on your perio... ulp! 359 00:17:35,972 --> 00:17:39,058 ♪ When the ovum first descends ♪ 360 00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:43,229 ♪ It is expelled ♪ 361 00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:47,024 ♪ And it's expelled ♪ ♪ With the uterine lining ♪ 362 00:17:48,943 --> 00:17:54,448 ♪ And the flow ♪ ♪ And the menstrual flow begins ♪ 363 00:17:56,367 --> 00:17:58,536 ♪ Out the vagina ♪ 364 00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:02,707 ♪ Out the vagina it all comes sliding ♪ 365 00:18:05,710 --> 00:18:09,880 ♪ No, no, you're not alone ♪ 366 00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:13,801 ♪ 'Cause everybody bleeds ♪ 367 00:18:15,303 --> 00:18:18,055 ♪ From time to time ♪ 368 00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:20,725 ♪ So let it flow ♪ 369 00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:25,479 ♪ Friendships fall apart ♪ 370 00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:30,484 ♪ And leave a shameful stain ♪ 371 00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:34,739 ♪ On the white pants of your heart ♪ 372 00:18:34,822 --> 00:18:38,576 ♪ And everybody bleeds ♪ 373 00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:42,997 ♪ Like your insides are exploding ♪ 374 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:46,125 ♪ Everybody bleeds ♪ 375 00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:50,171 ♪ Life's all heartache, cramps ♪ ♪ And bloating ♪ 376 00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:53,674 ♪ Everybody bleeds ♪ 377 00:18:54,508 --> 00:18:56,177 Everybody, what are you, out of your minds? 378 00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:58,429 Get back on the bus. 379 00:19:00,097 --> 00:19:02,683 Did you make it to the bathroom in time, Steve? 380 00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:05,770 Uh, yeah, but it was like... whew... right at the buzzer. 381 00:19:07,396 --> 00:19:10,191 Here you go, kiddo, for your... you know, ahem, your lady issues. 382 00:19:10,274 --> 00:19:11,692 Thanks, Coach Steve. 383 00:19:11,776 --> 00:19:14,945 Uh, these are marshmallows. 384 00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:17,740 You know, I can't read, so I go by pictures. 385 00:19:17,823 --> 00:19:21,243 All right. Well, either way, uh, that was very noble of you. 386 00:19:21,327 --> 00:19:23,954 Not that noble. I also took a huge dump. 387 00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:27,458 - It was right at the buzzer... - I heard you say that to Mr. Lizer. 388 00:19:27,541 --> 00:19:29,585 - It was coming out as I was sitting down. - Got it! 389 00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:32,129 You know, like when a meerkat comes up through the prairie, 390 00:19:32,213 --> 00:19:34,298 but let's say it's in Australia so it's upside down... 391 00:19:34,382 --> 00:19:35,383 Information received. 392 00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:39,679 Baby, uh, I'm sorry about before. 393 00:19:39,762 --> 00:19:41,305 You can tag the picture however you want. 394 00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:44,183 Oh, sweetie, thank you. I already did. 395 00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,979 - I'm sorry about before, too. - Okay. 396 00:19:49,063 --> 00:19:50,856 Is that it? You still sound mad. 397 00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:53,943 Oh... I'm gonna go home and burn my shorts. 398 00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:55,486 That makes two of us. 399 00:19:55,569 --> 00:19:59,115 I was dishonest before about beating the buzzer, so... 400 00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,619 How was your day, sweetie? 401 00:20:05,788 --> 00:20:08,416 Aw, Jessi bear, what's wrong? 402 00:20:08,499 --> 00:20:11,210 - I got my period. - Oh, you got your period. 403 00:20:11,293 --> 00:20:12,545 You made me wear white shorts. 404 00:20:12,628 --> 00:20:14,714 Oh, I made you wear white shorts. 405 00:20:14,797 --> 00:20:17,925 I'm so sorry. 406 00:20:18,926 --> 00:20:21,846 And then I scared the hell out of a cat. 407 00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:26,434 - How was your day? - To be honest with you, Duke, not great. 408 00:20:26,517 --> 00:20:29,353 My girlfriend got her period and then she got really mad at me. 409 00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:33,315 Sounds like we both got pussy problems. 410 00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:36,318 - Duke, you're not being helpful. - Relax, Nick. 411 00:20:36,402 --> 00:20:38,821 This period hullabaloo will pass, 412 00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:42,450 but then it will come again, and again, and again, 413 00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:44,827 until one time she tells you it didn't come, 414 00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:49,832 and that's when you move away and change your name to Duke Ellington. 415 00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:53,836 I have made tremendous mistakes in my life. 416 00:20:55,504 --> 00:20:58,299 ♪ I'm paying for my sins now ♪ 417 00:20:59,508 --> 00:21:02,261 Did you know that tampons are taxed as a luxury item? 418 00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:05,723 Yeah. It's a real luxury to stick a wad of cotton up your crotch. 419 00:21:05,806 --> 00:21:07,892 Could you please just tell me how to use a tampon? 420 00:21:07,975 --> 00:21:10,978 Honey, you're not ready for tampons. 421 00:21:11,061 --> 00:21:13,731 Let's finish basic training before we go to Fallujah. 422 00:21:14,732 --> 00:21:16,650 - Where we never should have been. - I know, I know. 423 00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:18,235 - Fucking Cheney. - Mom, please. 424 00:21:18,319 --> 00:21:20,112 - All right, let's start off with a pad. - Thank you, Mom. 425 00:21:20,196 --> 00:21:22,448 - It's gonna be okay. - It just doesn't seem fair. 426 00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:25,367 It's not. Come here. 427 00:21:25,451 --> 00:21:27,787 - You know, if men got their period... - Mom! 428 00:21:27,870 --> 00:21:29,705 What? It'd be an Olympic sport. 429 00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:32,124 They'd give out medals for the heaviest flow. 430 00:21:34,794 --> 00:21:37,922 So, did you know that blood comes out of their vaginas? 431 00:21:38,005 --> 00:21:39,882 It's really honestly crazy. 432 00:21:39,965 --> 00:21:42,843 I mean, what would you do if blood came out of your penis once a month? 433 00:21:42,927 --> 00:21:44,887 Oh, my! I don't know! 434 00:21:44,970 --> 00:21:47,097 Why would you put that image in my head? 435 00:21:47,181 --> 00:21:50,059 - What would you do? - One time I ate a bunch of roasted beets 436 00:21:50,142 --> 00:21:51,894 and then when I pooped, it was red, 437 00:21:51,977 --> 00:21:55,105 and I thought my butt was bleeding and I was like, "Oh, no." 438 00:21:55,189 --> 00:21:56,607 - Right. - And then I was like, 439 00:21:56,690 --> 00:22:00,903 - "Oh, yeah, I ate beets," so... - I don't think that's the same. 440 00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:04,323 What happened to Jessi today was pretty big. 441 00:22:04,406 --> 00:22:07,117 Do you think she's not, like, good old Jessi anymore? 442 00:22:07,201 --> 00:22:09,662 No, no, she's always gonna be good old Jessi. 443 00:22:09,745 --> 00:22:11,330 - I've known her forever. - I don't know, man. 444 00:22:11,413 --> 00:22:14,542 You bleed out of your vagina once a month, that shit'll change you. 445 00:22:14,625 --> 00:22:15,960 Indeed it will. 446 00:22:17,545 --> 00:22:20,339 This is not amazing. 447 00:22:27,972 --> 00:22:31,267 Hello, my precious little ravioli. 448 00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:32,685 Agh-hh! 449 00:22:33,102 --> 00:22:36,689 - Shh! Quiet, baby. - Who... what are you? 450 00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:40,526 I am the Hormone Monstress. 451 00:22:41,527 --> 00:22:44,530 If you're here to tell me how terrible being a woman is, 452 00:22:44,613 --> 00:22:46,782 the Statue of Liberty and my mom already covered that. 453 00:22:46,865 --> 00:22:49,201 The French are full of shit, your mother's a woman in decline. 454 00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:52,246 - You're on the rise, girl. - I am? 455 00:22:52,329 --> 00:22:54,498 But you'll have to make some changes, dumpling. 456 00:22:54,582 --> 00:22:56,584 For instance, what the fuck is this? 457 00:22:56,667 --> 00:22:58,836 - It's my baseball mitt. - Get rid! 458 00:22:58,919 --> 00:23:00,087 - Hey! - Listen to me! 459 00:23:00,170 --> 00:23:01,478 You want to shoplift lipstick, 460 00:23:01,479 --> 00:23:03,632 you want to listen to Lana Del Rey on repeat 461 00:23:03,716 --> 00:23:05,426 while you cut up all your T-shirts. 462 00:23:05,509 --> 00:23:09,930 You want to scream at your mother and then laugh at her tears! 463 00:23:10,014 --> 00:23:13,559 - But I don't want to scream at my mom. - She's not your mom anymore. 464 00:23:13,642 --> 00:23:17,479 From now on, you call her Shannon. 465 00:23:17,563 --> 00:23:20,316 - You're very beautiful. - I know. 466 00:23:20,399 --> 00:23:24,403 - Why do you smell so good? - Because I don't use deodorant 467 00:23:24,486 --> 00:23:26,739 and I only take bubble baths. 468 00:23:27,406 --> 00:23:28,991 Everything okay in here, sweetie? 469 00:23:29,074 --> 00:23:30,743 Get the hell out, Shannon! 470 00:23:30,826 --> 00:23:34,538 - Your hair looks nice. - I said get out! 471 00:23:35,706 --> 00:23:38,375 Beautifully done, my little gyoza. 472 00:23:38,459 --> 00:23:42,588 These are going to be the greatest years of your life. 473 00:23:42,671 --> 00:23:44,587 Now let's fling ourselves onto the bed 474 00:23:44,588 --> 00:23:47,635 and cry so hard no sound comes out. 475 00:24:01,650 --> 00:24:06,650 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -