1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:05,000 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com - 2 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:11,470 The pecs... 3 00:00:11,553 --> 00:00:13,013 the abs... 4 00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:15,098 ... the johnson. 5 00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:19,520 Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is one hot Paul Bunyan. 6 00:00:19,603 --> 00:00:22,564 I've got morning wood... to chop. 7 00:00:22,981 --> 00:00:24,233 Hyah! 8 00:00:25,484 --> 00:00:26,568 Oh, yeah! 9 00:00:26,652 --> 00:00:30,113 Damn, Paul, your sticky chest gave me blue balls. 10 00:00:30,197 --> 00:00:34,618 This fall, Paul Bunyan takes on the Big Apple 11 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,370 and swallows every bite. 12 00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:37,663 Yum-yum! 13 00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:42,709 Oh, my God, that movie looks so good. 14 00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:44,211 Yeah, it's a movie, it's gonna be great. 15 00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:46,546 That's it. I'm getting us tickets the second they go on sale. 16 00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:49,299 Uh, you actually don't have to get me one. 17 00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:50,759 What? We see every movie together. 18 00:00:50,842 --> 00:00:52,886 Well, Jessi and I are going out now... 19 00:00:52,970 --> 00:00:54,263 - Oh! - and so... 20 00:00:54,346 --> 00:00:55,764 - And you feel like you should go with her? - Well... 21 00:00:55,847 --> 00:00:59,810 - Yeah, that... that totally makes sense. - But we can watch the trailer together. 22 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,436 Nick, I'd like that very much. 23 00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,397 All right, loading. 24 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,484 Oh! Bryan Singer directed this. 25 00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:09,653 The pecs... 26 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:10,946 the abs... 27 00:01:11,029 --> 00:01:12,906 ... the johnson. 28 00:01:12,990 --> 00:01:15,867 What's up, my man? You page me? Who we hard for? 29 00:01:15,951 --> 00:01:18,412 - Well, um... - Rihanna? The Land O' Lakes butter chick? 30 00:01:18,495 --> 00:01:19,705 - Um... - Oh! 31 00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:22,541 - The Rock gave you a boner. - No! What? No! 32 00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:25,544 No way, this is a fluke. You know I have no control over these. 33 00:01:25,627 --> 00:01:28,255 Like, remember when I saw that particularly plump tomato? 34 00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:31,925 Yeah, yeah, could be a fluke, or maybe... you're gay. 35 00:01:32,009 --> 00:01:34,011 Okay, that's crazy, all right? 36 00:01:34,094 --> 00:01:36,054 All I do is fantasize about girls. 37 00:01:36,138 --> 00:01:39,057 Only one way to find out. Okay, have a seat. 38 00:01:39,766 --> 00:01:43,103 - Er, should I take off my glasses? - Oh, no, no. This isn't an eye test. 39 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:44,646 It's a gay test. 40 00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:47,441 Now tell me... number one, or number two? 41 00:01:47,524 --> 00:01:49,359 - Number one... ? - Interesting. 42 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:51,320 Number one, number two? 43 00:01:51,403 --> 00:01:53,196 - Number two... ? - Cool, cool. 44 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:56,575 - Number one, number two? - Can I see number one again? 45 00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:58,327 - Yeah. - Number one? 46 00:01:58,410 --> 00:02:01,330 Interesting. Okay, number one, or number two? 47 00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:03,123 - Oh, my God. - Number two, right? 48 00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:07,210 - Maybe I am gay. - Okay, all right. That's good to know. 49 00:02:07,294 --> 00:02:09,338 Wait, what... don't write this down. Are you filling out a form? 50 00:02:09,421 --> 00:02:11,423 No, I'm just drawing a picture of a unicorn... 51 00:02:11,506 --> 00:02:14,885 - Oh, you have a sweet side. - ... buttfucking Mr. Clean! 52 00:02:51,671 --> 00:02:52,839 Mmm. 53 00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:55,092 It's good, the water. 54 00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:59,179 Yeah, I hear tap water's good 'cause there's fluoride in it. 55 00:02:59,262 --> 00:03:01,681 - Cool. - Cool. 56 00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:05,811 - Andrew did the funniest thing today. - Oh, God, tell me. What did he do? 57 00:03:05,894 --> 00:03:07,979 - His fruit snacks... - Uh-huh? 58 00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:10,482 - ... they melted into one big fruit snack. - Uh-huh? 59 00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:14,611 - And then what happened? - And then he, um, well, he ate it. 60 00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:17,072 Oh. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. 61 00:03:17,155 --> 00:03:20,200 - Cool, cool. El baño. - I'm sorry, what? 62 00:03:20,283 --> 00:03:23,370 Oh, uh, Span... um, "El baño" is Spanish for... 63 00:03:23,453 --> 00:03:25,080 - Okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom now. - Okay. 64 00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:31,294 Ugh! That was positively painful, my pretty little pupusa. 65 00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:34,005 I know. We used to have so much fun. 66 00:03:34,089 --> 00:03:38,635 - Why is it so weird now? - Because you two do not belong together. 67 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:41,930 - But I really like Nick. - As a friend. 68 00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:44,725 But remember when y'all did your Frenched kiss? 69 00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:47,936 - What did you feel? - Not much. 70 00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:49,146 How's it supposed to feel? 71 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,982 Like Stanley Kowalski picking you up and thrusting you 72 00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:54,651 onto a kitchen counter like you weigh nothing. 73 00:03:54,735 --> 00:03:56,778 I don't know who that is but that does sound good. 74 00:03:56,862 --> 00:04:00,115 There's a reason they named that streetcar Desire. 75 00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:02,826 Now go out there and lose that boy. 76 00:04:04,161 --> 00:04:06,997 I've got morning wood... to chop. 77 00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:09,207 Lights out. It's 9:05. 78 00:04:09,291 --> 00:04:12,419 Hey, Dad, um... can I ask you something? 79 00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:16,089 Me? Okay, fine, but the lights stay off. I don't own stock in Con Ed. 80 00:04:16,173 --> 00:04:19,342 Um, when did you start to like women? 81 00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:21,970 - Women? Ugh. Can't stand women. - Really? 82 00:04:22,053 --> 00:04:24,723 Don't care for men, either. I don't like people in general. 83 00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:26,892 - Well, what about Mom? - Well, I love your mother, 84 00:04:26,975 --> 00:04:29,019 but don't tell her that. Who else? 85 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:31,438 I would say that there's about four other people... 86 00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:33,440 Terry Bradshaw, of course. 87 00:04:33,523 --> 00:04:36,026 There's a Metro North conductor who's good. 88 00:04:36,109 --> 00:04:39,613 My cousin Eugene... no, that's it. I think that's it. 89 00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:41,740 I think three. Yeah, I like three people. 90 00:04:41,823 --> 00:04:44,659 - Andrew, did this talk help? - I guess? 91 00:04:44,743 --> 00:04:48,121 Good. I'm gonna go lie down on the floor in the den and open mail. 92 00:04:50,499 --> 00:04:53,376 - Thanks for dinner. - Yeah, sorry I sent back my food. 93 00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:55,921 See, I thought tilapia was a kind of pasta. 94 00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:59,049 - No, it's a fish. - Yeah, no, no, I know that now. 95 00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:03,261 You know, I was thinking, we were so good as friends. 96 00:05:03,345 --> 00:05:06,431 - So good. - So maybe we should just be friends again? 97 00:05:06,515 --> 00:05:09,309 I love that. That's what this is missing, right? Being friends. 98 00:05:09,392 --> 00:05:12,270 Oh, Good. I'm so glad you feel the same way. 99 00:05:12,896 --> 00:05:15,398 Nick! Nice blazer, my man. 100 00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:17,150 Thanks. I got it for my aunt's first wedding. 101 00:05:17,234 --> 00:05:19,486 Love's a journey, dude. She'll figure it out. 102 00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:21,571 - You ready, Jellybean? - Yep. Bye, Nick. 103 00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:23,406 And thanks again. 104 00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:28,203 This is so great! I'm friends with my girlfriend. 105 00:05:29,329 --> 00:05:32,374 Judd, anything special going on in school today? 106 00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:34,835 - No. - Terrific. 107 00:05:34,918 --> 00:05:37,254 So mysterious. I get such a kick out of this kid. 108 00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:42,259 - Nick, how was your big date last night? - It started out a little awkward, 109 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:45,595 but then Jessi had this idea that we would just be friends again 110 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:47,514 and now I'm really excited about it. 111 00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:50,559 - Oh, honey. - What? 112 00:05:50,642 --> 00:05:54,729 Did she say just be friends or "just be friends"? 113 00:05:54,813 --> 00:05:57,440 - Is there a difference? - I'll rip that little bitch to shreds. 114 00:05:57,524 --> 00:06:00,735 - What? - It sounds like she broke up with you. 115 00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:03,229 No. Guys, nobody dumped anyone. 116 00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:04,948 We're still going out. We're just friends. 117 00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:07,409 She made you feel like it was your idea, didn't she? 118 00:06:07,492 --> 00:06:09,327 That's exactly what I did to Tyler Kinney. 119 00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:10,306 You remember Tyler. 120 00:06:10,307 --> 00:06:12,831 He tried to light himself on fire in our front yard. 121 00:06:12,914 --> 00:06:15,208 - Oh, man, Jessi dumped me. - Ha! 122 00:06:15,292 --> 00:06:17,961 - Everyone's gonna think I'm a loser. - Well, you're a winner to me. 123 00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:20,213 - Wanna go on a date with your old man? - No! 124 00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:22,257 - Oh, my God. - Light yourself on fire. 125 00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,094 Hey, um, Matthew? 126 00:06:26,177 --> 00:06:28,888 Oh, look, the lost and found became a person. 127 00:06:28,972 --> 00:06:30,890 Uh, I was wondering... if you don't mind... 128 00:06:30,974 --> 00:06:35,478 um, how did you know that you were, um... gay? 129 00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:37,314 Sorry, you're the only gay person I know. 130 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:40,984 Uh, I'm the only gay person you know you know. 131 00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:42,319 Why are we talking about this? 132 00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:45,572 Oh-hh... ! You think you're gay. 133 00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:49,326 What? No! No. Well, yeah. I'm not sure. 134 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:52,621 No, I can see it. I mean, you suck at being straight. 135 00:06:52,704 --> 00:06:55,165 Hi, Andrew, I just wanted to preemptively let you know 136 00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:58,585 - that I'm not interested in you. - And may I say that I fully understand 137 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,629 - and I thank you for your candor. - You're welcome. 138 00:07:00,712 --> 00:07:02,922 That. That, too. You're weirdly formal, 139 00:07:03,006 --> 00:07:05,508 like the kind of gay guy who's in the Air Force 140 00:07:05,592 --> 00:07:08,720 and then became middle management at IBM, and you have a condo, 141 00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:10,430 and there's like, a side gym in the building. 142 00:07:10,513 --> 00:07:13,183 That sounds like a nice little life I've made for myself. 143 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:16,519 Let's face it, Andrew, if you're asking, you're probably gay. 144 00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:18,647 "Probably gay"? What does that even mean? 145 00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:20,732 Not my job. I have morning announcements, 146 00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:24,486 - and you have, like, a pear shape. - Oh, God. 147 00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:29,407 Lacrosse tryouts are tomorrow. 148 00:07:29,491 --> 00:07:33,495 Exciting news for rich sociopaths with a loose concept of consent. 149 00:07:33,578 --> 00:07:36,706 But let's move on to something actually care about... 150 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:38,959 Nick and Jessi. 151 00:07:39,042 --> 00:07:41,544 Everyone wants to know who broke up with who, 152 00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:44,422 and here to give us the inside scoop is Nick. 153 00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:50,971 Nick, tell us, in your own tiny words, who dumped who? 154 00:07:51,054 --> 00:07:54,599 First of all, I really don't like the word "dump." 155 00:07:54,683 --> 00:07:56,029 I find it offensive. 156 00:07:56,030 --> 00:07:58,395 I mean, does it really matter who broke up with who? 157 00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:01,690 - Of course it does. You know that. - Okay, here's what I will say... 158 00:08:01,773 --> 00:08:04,401 I think Jessi is a fantastic girl, 159 00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:08,822 and that's why it was so hard for me to break up with her. 160 00:08:09,364 --> 00:08:10,949 You heard it here... 161 00:08:11,032 --> 00:08:13,702 Nick dumped Jessi. 162 00:08:15,203 --> 00:08:16,287 Angry. 163 00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:22,127 We shall reach up that little pygmy's ass and pull out his heart! 164 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:24,879 His ass heart! 165 00:08:24,963 --> 00:08:27,589 Tomorrow, an exclusive interview with Patient Zero 166 00:08:27,590 --> 00:08:28,830 in our pinkeye epidemic. 167 00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:32,019 Yeah, looking back, there was definitely fecal matter 168 00:08:32,020 --> 00:08:33,847 on some of the basketballs. 169 00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:35,435 This is Coach Steve, by the way. 170 00:08:35,436 --> 00:08:38,143 Ooh, I can't believe I'm gonna be on TV! 171 00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:45,358 Okay, so, normally right about now I'd watch the Mets game. 172 00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:49,487 But if I'm probably gay, maybe I should... 173 00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:51,948 Definitely watch gay porn. 174 00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:54,617 I know, I know, but I've been scared to look at any porn. 175 00:08:54,701 --> 00:08:56,109 Isn't going directly to gay porn 176 00:08:56,110 --> 00:08:58,038 like jumping head first into the deep end? 177 00:08:58,121 --> 00:09:01,041 More like dick first into the butt end. Nailed it. 178 00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:05,336 Don't just type in "gay porn." Switch over to private browsing first. 179 00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:06,421 Good call, good call. 180 00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:07,955 We're gonna have to clear more cookies 181 00:09:07,956 --> 00:09:09,674 than a fat kid at a birthday party. 182 00:09:09,758 --> 00:09:11,468 Nailed it again. 183 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:12,385 Um... 184 00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:15,472 All right, Andrew, this is your journey. You must be your own shaman. 185 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,639 Ugh... 186 00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:18,892 - Click the mouse. - Okay. Here goes. 187 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,938 - Well, all right. - Shit. Wait. What's this? 188 00:09:24,022 --> 00:09:25,231 - That's good. - Wait. Close that. 189 00:09:25,315 --> 00:09:27,150 - That won't close. Why won't this close? - Open that one. 190 00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:29,986 - No, I don't want to zoom. - Yes! Yes! 191 00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:31,863 - Stop clicking on it! - It's got a life of its own! 192 00:09:31,946 --> 00:09:35,575 Virus, virus! Shame on you! 193 00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:38,411 - Andrew, what's going on up there? - Nothing! I'm asleep. 194 00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:41,581 Well, something's wrong with the computer. 195 00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:44,542 Terry Bradshaw's taking a shower with Howie Long, 196 00:09:44,626 --> 00:09:47,212 and why does Shannon Sharpe want to get in there? 197 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:49,380 Oh, my God! 198 00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:53,635 Ooh, how'd you break up with Jessi? Did you make her cry? 199 00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:56,554 To be honest, it was, like, the hardest thing I've ever had to do 200 00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:59,516 but it was the right thing to do. Does that make sense? 201 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:02,060 - Ha! You my dawg. - Nick Birch! 202 00:10:07,023 --> 00:10:09,400 Looks like I picked the right outfit this morning. 203 00:10:10,235 --> 00:10:12,487 Jessi, it's... ahem, good to see you. 204 00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,280 - Is it? - What's going on? 205 00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:16,407 I can't see. My eyes are crusted shut. 206 00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:18,576 Look, we could still be friends. 207 00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:21,412 Friends? Ha! 208 00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:23,581 Oh, we're not friends. 209 00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:25,834 Cut that little pipsqueak down to size. 210 00:10:25,917 --> 00:10:29,629 And to set the record straight, I broke up with you. 211 00:10:29,712 --> 00:10:31,798 - Well, it was mutual. - No, no, no. 212 00:10:31,881 --> 00:10:34,300 - Gun him down. - I knew it wasn't gonna work 213 00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:38,388 as soon as I kissed your big, weird catfish mouth. 214 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,765 Yeah, paint a picture, baby. 215 00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:43,351 Jessi, let's not forget you kissed me. 216 00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:46,104 - Oh, I'll never forget. - Sing it, sister. 217 00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:47,897 Just with your giant blubbery lips 218 00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:50,525 it felt like I was chewing on two lukewarm hot dogs. 219 00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:52,485 - Okay. - More, more, more! 220 00:10:52,569 --> 00:10:56,739 The gross poking and prodding from your scaly alligator tongue. 221 00:10:56,823 --> 00:10:58,658 Rub his nose in it. 222 00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:03,997 And I pity the poor girl who makes the mistake of kissing you next. 223 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:06,749 You're gonna hear that from time to time. It's part of the game. 224 00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:08,751 But that's not gonna happen. 225 00:11:08,835 --> 00:11:12,630 'Cause I'm gonna tell everyone that you, Nick Birch, 226 00:11:12,714 --> 00:11:16,134 are the world's worst kisser! 227 00:11:18,469 --> 00:11:21,347 Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker. 228 00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:23,099 Now let's mosey. 229 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:28,354 Aw, don't worry about it, Nick. Opinions are like assholes... 230 00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:31,024 keep 'em away from your basketballs, all right? 231 00:11:32,108 --> 00:11:34,235 Okay, okay, you gotta get back at Jessi. 232 00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:36,112 - Jay. - And I've got just the idea. 233 00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:37,906 - Jay... - It's a little bit juvenile, 234 00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:39,991 but it's simple and it's timeless. 235 00:11:40,074 --> 00:11:42,243 - Jay... - We let it be known that Jessi, 236 00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:47,624 - for a snack, eats tiny pieces of shit. - What? She doesn't eat pieces of shit. 237 00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:50,043 Andrew, you're picturing it and we're talking about it. 238 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:51,586 - That's a win in my book. - Wait, wait, wait. 239 00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:54,213 I'm not gonna say that Jessi eats shit. 240 00:11:54,297 --> 00:11:57,050 We're in a fight but ultimately we're still friends, right? 241 00:11:57,133 --> 00:12:00,470 No! She was your friend, then she was your lover, 242 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,263 now she's your enemy. 243 00:12:02,347 --> 00:12:04,974 Please stop quoting your dad's divorce lawyer commercials. 244 00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:08,019 Okay, fine. We'll take the high road. We'll just say she's a lesbo. 245 00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:11,022 No, if I call her a lesbo, then she's gonna say that I'm gay. 246 00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:13,983 And, hey, is... that's a bad thing, right? 247 00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,735 Like if people think you're gay that's bad? 248 00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:18,321 - No, we all know it's okay to be gay. - Do we? 249 00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:21,699 I mean, if it's so "okay" to be gay, 250 00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:23,701 then why are you so afraid to be called gay? 251 00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:25,411 - Because I'm not. - But if you were... 252 00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:26,704 - It'd be a nightmare. - Why? 253 00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:28,331 Why? Come on, Andrew. 254 00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,375 No girl's gonna hook up with you if you're gay. 255 00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:33,044 They'll think all you do is stick your dick inside other dudes' dicks. 256 00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:36,339 Jay, gay people don't stick their dicks inside other dicks. 257 00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:37,882 You're picturing it and we're talking about it. 258 00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:40,009 - I'm not picturing that. - Let me ask you this... 259 00:12:40,093 --> 00:12:42,971 would you rather that lesbo call you "catfish mouth" or gay? 260 00:12:43,054 --> 00:12:44,347 I don't want to be called either. 261 00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:46,891 Because being gay is as bad as having a catfish mouth. 262 00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,101 We're all on the same page. 263 00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:50,395 - What's so bad about being gay? - Nothing. 264 00:12:50,478 --> 00:12:52,605 It just seems kinda hard to be gay. 265 00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:55,191 Oh, it's really hard. I mean, have you ever looked at gay porn? 266 00:12:55,274 --> 00:12:58,027 - What? No. - Neither have I, right? Okay. 267 00:12:58,111 --> 00:13:00,321 Now if you'll excuse me, bathroom. 268 00:13:00,863 --> 00:13:02,074 Okay, okay, how about this... 269 00:13:02,075 --> 00:13:04,492 we'll say Jessi puts peanut butter on her dog's dick 270 00:13:04,575 --> 00:13:06,077 and licks it off. Yum, yum, yum. 271 00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:08,538 Aren't you supposed to put the peanut butter on your own dick? 272 00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:11,416 Oh. Wow. That would feel way better. 273 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:16,546 Um, hello? Mr. Ghost of Duke Ellington? It's Andrew. 274 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:19,632 Why, hello, Andrew! 275 00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:21,759 Are you doing a report on me for school? 276 00:13:21,843 --> 00:13:26,180 Here's a fun fact... Stevie Wonder wrote the song "Sir Duke" about me. 277 00:13:26,264 --> 00:13:29,267 And he's been faking his blindness his entire life. 278 00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:32,186 That sounds like a crazy conspiracy theory. 279 00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:34,856 You should hear my views on 9/11. 280 00:13:34,939 --> 00:13:38,401 How come all the Jews knew not to come to work that day? 281 00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:40,611 No, that's been proven to be untrue. 282 00:13:40,695 --> 00:13:44,365 You're picturing it and we're talking about it. 283 00:13:44,949 --> 00:13:48,870 Anyway, Duke, I wanted your advice, and I guess I still do. 284 00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:53,124 You see, Duke, I'm probably gay and it is scary. 285 00:13:53,207 --> 00:13:57,837 Only if you find disposable income and terrific summer houses scary. 286 00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:01,132 Did you know any gay people when you were alive? 287 00:14:01,215 --> 00:14:04,427 Of course! I was in show business, 288 00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:06,804 the official profession of the gay people. 289 00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:12,018 Allow me to introduce you to famous deceased homosexuals 290 00:14:12,101 --> 00:14:14,687 Socrates, Freddie Mercury, 291 00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:18,483 and Justice Antonin Scalia. 292 00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:20,943 Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia? 293 00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,987 But weren't you famously anti-gay? 294 00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:27,367 I was deep in the closet, and I wish I came out while I was alive. 295 00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:29,922 Ghost cock is like vegan bacon... 296 00:14:29,923 --> 00:14:32,372 it just isn't as good as the real thing. 297 00:14:32,455 --> 00:14:34,999 - And it has a weird texture. - Wow, yeah. 298 00:14:35,083 --> 00:14:38,211 Also, it's the best time to be gay since ancient Greece. 299 00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:39,879 Huh. I had no idea. 300 00:14:39,962 --> 00:14:41,798 As long as you live on one of the coasts, 301 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:45,134 or Austin, Texas... that place is keeping it weird. 302 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,345 Being gay can be bloody brilliant. 303 00:14:47,428 --> 00:14:50,306 - How so, Freddie Mercury? - I was hoping you would ask. 304 00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:54,477 ♪ What's it like to be gay? ♪ 305 00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:04,487 ♪ When you're gay ♪ ♪ Every day is a nonstop cabaret ♪ 306 00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:07,907 ♪ You've got style and flair ♪ ♪ You're loved everywhere ♪ 307 00:15:07,990 --> 00:15:11,160 ♪ Except for North Carolina ♪ 308 00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:14,205 ♪ Bears and queens ♪ ♪ And Catholic tweens ♪ 309 00:15:14,288 --> 00:15:17,125 ♪ The world's your buff buffet ♪ 310 00:15:17,208 --> 00:15:19,877 ♪ Come and join in the fun ♪ ♪ Say hello to tight butts ♪ 311 00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:22,922 ♪ And goodbye vaginas ♪ 312 00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:25,675 - ♪ Be gay, totally gay ♪ - ♪ Be gay ♪ 313 00:15:25,758 --> 00:15:28,678 ♪ Be a bright and shining rainbow ♪ 314 00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:31,848 ♪ Yes, you'll find your new identity ♪ 315 00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:35,017 ♪ In the LGBT community ♪ 316 00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:36,185 ♪ Oh ♪ 317 00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:38,438 ♪ I'm gay, totally gay ♪ 318 00:15:38,521 --> 00:15:40,940 - ♪ He's gay ♪ - ♪ I'm a fabulous flouncing ♪ 319 00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:43,693 - ♪ Loud and proud cliché ♪ - ♪ Sashay ♪ 320 00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:45,194 - ♪ On display ♪ - ♪ All day ♪ 321 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:48,781 ♪ And I found my calling today ♪ 322 00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:50,199 - ♪ Hooray! ♪ - ♪ Oh, shanté! ♪ 323 00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:54,036 - ♪ So gay ♪ - ♪ It's a flaming hot pink-letter day ♪ 324 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:57,039 ♪ I'm not the boy I used to be ♪ 325 00:15:57,123 --> 00:16:01,461 ♪ I'm here, I'm queer, get used to me ♪ 326 00:16:02,378 --> 00:16:06,132 ♪ I'm gay ♪ 327 00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:12,889 ♪ He's absolutely, undeniably gay ♪ 328 00:16:17,143 --> 00:16:20,313 Matthew, you were right. I'm gay. 329 00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:24,233 Well, look at you, walking into rooms, declaring things. 330 00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:26,903 Yes, I'm declaring that I'm a proud gay man. 331 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,489 Okay, what's next? How am I supposed to dress? 332 00:16:29,572 --> 00:16:32,074 How do I meet other gay people? How do I find a boyfriend? 333 00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:34,869 Well, first of all, you already have a boyfriend. 334 00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:36,621 - What? Who? - "Peanut." 335 00:16:36,704 --> 00:16:38,039 - Who? - "Little Purse Dog." 336 00:16:38,122 --> 00:16:40,917 - Purse Dog? - "Mr. Teddy Graham." 337 00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,669 - Nick? - Yes! "Little Baby Salt Shaker." 338 00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:46,589 What? No, Nick's not my boyfriend. We're just best friends. 339 00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:48,966 Oh, please! You do everything together. 340 00:16:49,050 --> 00:16:50,458 You're always making each other jealous, 341 00:16:50,459 --> 00:16:52,345 getting in your stupid little fights. 342 00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:55,848 - It's classic. You're a tall and a short. - Is that a thing? 343 00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:58,392 Everything in the gay community is a thing. 344 00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:00,895 Also, bye-ee! 345 00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:06,692 He's right, it's Nick. It's always been Nick. 346 00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:08,569 So what's up? You officially gay? 347 00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:11,239 What? Yes. Where have you been? 348 00:17:11,322 --> 00:17:14,784 I'm sorry, I was inducting my dear friend Joe Walsh 349 00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,827 into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. 350 00:17:16,911 --> 00:17:21,123 And as long as he's around, rock and roll will never die. 351 00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:26,254 Ladies and gentlemen, Eagles legend and my brother-in-arms, Mr. Joe... 352 00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:27,463 Well, you get it. 353 00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:31,384 Is this the gay kid you were talking about, man? 354 00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:33,386 Yeah. He thinks he's in love with his best friend. 355 00:17:33,469 --> 00:17:35,425 It would be kind of perfect, right? 356 00:17:35,426 --> 00:17:37,557 We get along, his parents love me... 357 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:41,727 Well, if he's gay and into it, then you're making music. 358 00:17:41,811 --> 00:17:45,064 Beautiful music. Though, I should figure out if Nick is into it. 359 00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:48,025 But if he's not, that's a hard morning light 360 00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:50,403 coming through your window, brother. 361 00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:53,155 Joe Walsh is right. If I come right out and tell him 362 00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:55,575 and he's not into it, that could ruin everything. 363 00:17:55,658 --> 00:17:58,744 Yeah, and then you'll get caught up in a bunch of lawsuits 364 00:17:58,828 --> 00:18:00,621 about publishing rights, 365 00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:04,875 and Don Henley doesn't call you on your birthday anymore, man. 366 00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:07,670 It's a bummer 'cause he was your brother. 367 00:18:16,137 --> 00:18:18,014 - What's up, jerk? - Hey, Jessi, 368 00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:22,184 - do you want to sit over here with me? - Oh, yeah. Thanks, Missy. 369 00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:24,061 Do you want some of my homemade fruit leather? 370 00:18:24,145 --> 00:18:27,857 - I'm not allowed refined sugar. - Uh, thanks. I'm all set. 371 00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,275 Oh. Okay, how about this? 372 00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:32,320 Wow. It must be hard for you that you can't sit with the boys anymore 373 00:18:32,403 --> 00:18:36,032 after all that stuff you said about Nick's mouth. 374 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:39,201 - Yeah. - The gloves came off in a fit of rage. 375 00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:41,162 I was really mad. 376 00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:44,415 And I guess as goes Nick so goes Andrew. 377 00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:47,084 It's the law of the jungle, Jessi. It's the law of the jungle. 378 00:18:47,168 --> 00:18:49,795 Yeah, that part I didn't really think through. 379 00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:55,051 Fucking bitch! Eating those baby carrots 380 00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,887 when you know she wants to be eating little pieces of shit. 381 00:18:57,970 --> 00:19:00,598 Jay, please. How did everything get so messed up? 382 00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:03,684 I know. This whole thing with Jessi, it makes you wonder, 383 00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:05,978 like, hey, women, do we even need them? 384 00:19:06,062 --> 00:19:09,690 What? Of course we do. What about my mom and, like, whores? 385 00:19:09,774 --> 00:19:13,152 My point is, when it's just the boys it's, hey, we make music. 386 00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:14,612 - Uh-huh. - But with girls it's like, 387 00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:16,864 - "Aw, why aren't they boys?" - I don't get it. 388 00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:18,658 Are you saying that we can't be friends with girls? 389 00:19:18,741 --> 00:19:22,703 No, I'm just saying maybe the two of us should go on a vacation, 390 00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:25,456 go camping or something, get away from all this woman drama. 391 00:19:25,539 --> 00:19:28,793 - Oh, I love that. Camping's a great... - It's just Nick and me! 392 00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:31,128 Oh... yeah, no, that... that's fine. 393 00:19:31,212 --> 00:19:33,631 I mean, I know how to track you guys. 394 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:43,599 Nick-o-teen, 395 00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:46,769 you caught me working on a new song that no one will ever hear. 396 00:19:48,229 --> 00:19:52,024 Oh, death is so profoundly sad. 397 00:19:52,108 --> 00:19:54,443 But enough about me. Why the long face? 398 00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:57,363 Duke, I guess I was wondering, have you ever stayed friends with an ex? 399 00:19:57,446 --> 00:19:59,865 - Nope. Impossible. - That's a bummer. 400 00:19:59,949 --> 00:20:01,701 I'd really like to be friends with Jessi again. 401 00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:05,121 Man, you boys having a lot of problems this week, huh? 402 00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:06,956 - What do you mean? - Your lumpy friend Andrew 403 00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,457 was up here the other day. 404 00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:11,210 Good kid. Thinks he might be a homosexual. 405 00:20:11,293 --> 00:20:13,504 What? Andrew? That's impossible. 406 00:20:13,587 --> 00:20:15,423 - He would tell me. - Would he? 407 00:20:15,506 --> 00:20:18,092 What if he's shaking in his little gay boots, 408 00:20:18,175 --> 00:20:20,386 scared you won't want to be his friend anymore? 409 00:20:20,469 --> 00:20:23,305 I don't care if Andrew's gay, I'll always want to be his friend. 410 00:20:23,389 --> 00:20:27,560 Let's just say he comes out to you and you fire him from your band, 411 00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:31,814 so he becomes destitute and flings himself in front of a trolley car. 412 00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:34,483 Duke, did you fire a guy for being gay? 413 00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:38,821 Oh, God, no! I loved having gay guys in my band. 414 00:20:38,904 --> 00:20:41,407 More groupie for Dukie. Yum, yum, yum! 415 00:20:41,490 --> 00:20:43,743 I would never fire Andrew from my band. 416 00:20:43,826 --> 00:20:45,494 Oh, my God, poor Andrew. 417 00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:49,248 "Oh, my God, poor Andrew"? That sounds like a good song. 418 00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:51,792 I'm gonna change the "oh, my God" to "hey, now" 419 00:20:51,876 --> 00:20:54,962 and "poor Andrew" to "sweet Desiree." 420 00:20:55,045 --> 00:20:58,007 ♪ Hey now, sweet Desiree ♪ 421 00:21:00,551 --> 00:21:02,011 - Hey. - Hi. 422 00:21:02,094 --> 00:21:05,890 - What are you doing here? - I spoke to Duke. 423 00:21:05,973 --> 00:21:09,477 Oh. Did he mention anything about Stevie Wonder 424 00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:14,356 - and his connection to 9/11? - No. We actually talked about you. 425 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:17,193 - Oh, God. - He said you think you might be gay. 426 00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:21,864 What the hell? Is there no child-ghost confidentiality anymore? 427 00:21:21,947 --> 00:21:24,867 - Well, is it true? - I don't know. 428 00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:28,537 Look, I got a boner watching the "PB: NYC" trailer. 429 00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:31,665 Like, a big, hard boner. And I don't know how to talk to girls 430 00:21:31,749 --> 00:21:34,335 but I wanna jizz all the time, 431 00:21:34,418 --> 00:21:36,842 and I'm so awkward around everyone except you, 432 00:21:36,843 --> 00:21:37,843 'cause we're best friends, 433 00:21:37,922 --> 00:21:40,925 and I guess it just seemed like being gay might actually be great. 434 00:21:41,008 --> 00:21:44,094 But now that I'm saying it out loud I don't know. 435 00:21:44,178 --> 00:21:46,889 I wish there was some way to know. I've never even kissed a guy. 436 00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:48,467 I've never kissed anyone, for that matter. 437 00:21:48,468 --> 00:21:49,600 How am I supposed to know if... 438 00:21:58,943 --> 00:22:00,569 You just kissed me. 439 00:22:00,653 --> 00:22:03,405 It was scientific. I was just trying to help. 440 00:22:03,489 --> 00:22:04,824 Did you feel anything? 441 00:22:04,907 --> 00:22:07,034 - Uh... - Nothing, flaccid. 442 00:22:07,117 --> 00:22:09,620 Maybe we should pin him to the ground, jam it in his mouth, 443 00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:13,249 - just the sheer fucking degradation... - Wait, wait, wait. Hush. 444 00:22:13,332 --> 00:22:17,378 - I... I'm actually not into this. - Yeah, no, I could tell. 445 00:22:17,461 --> 00:22:19,463 I was just spitballin'. Poof! 446 00:22:19,547 --> 00:22:21,924 So, are the test results in? 447 00:22:22,007 --> 00:22:24,677 Honestly, I didn't like it. 448 00:22:24,760 --> 00:22:26,554 Is it because I have a gross catfish mouth? 449 00:22:26,637 --> 00:22:31,058 No, no, no, your mouth is fine. I just didn't feel anything. 450 00:22:31,141 --> 00:22:32,518 Maybe I'm not gay. 451 00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:35,229 But thank you for kissing me... ? 452 00:22:35,312 --> 00:22:37,147 Um, my pleasure... ? 453 00:22:37,231 --> 00:22:39,775 Oh, I can't believe that you were my first kiss. 454 00:22:39,858 --> 00:22:41,694 What am I gonna tell my grandkids? 455 00:22:41,777 --> 00:22:44,572 Grandpa Andrew, who was your first kiss? 456 00:22:44,655 --> 00:22:47,783 Well, you know your great-uncle Nick? 457 00:22:47,866 --> 00:22:51,120 You mean Nick Starr, the host of "Countdown to Money"? 458 00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:53,956 Two robots and two humanoids are here to compete 459 00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:56,959 for Most Glorious Kingdom of China Bitcoin units. 460 00:22:57,042 --> 00:23:01,088 So sit tight or shake your booty 'cause it's time to... 461 00:23:01,171 --> 00:23:06,719 "Countdown to Money with Nick Starr!" 462 00:23:06,802 --> 00:23:07,761 Ni hao! 463 00:23:09,346 --> 00:23:11,223 God, what's taking so long? 464 00:23:11,307 --> 00:23:13,559 Hey, man, hurry it up! We're gonna miss the movie. 465 00:23:13,642 --> 00:23:17,146 Movie? I thought this was the self-checkout at Walgreens. 466 00:23:17,229 --> 00:23:19,523 No wonder I couldn't find prescription eye drops 467 00:23:19,607 --> 00:23:21,609 and those sticks you could floss with. 468 00:23:21,692 --> 00:23:23,902 - Oh, God, Jessi's here. - What? 469 00:23:23,986 --> 00:23:26,905 - Come on, let's get out of here. - No. You guys have to talk to each other. 470 00:23:26,989 --> 00:23:28,073 This is crazy. 471 00:23:28,866 --> 00:23:31,785 Oh, hello, Nick. Did you bring a phone book to sit on? 472 00:23:31,869 --> 00:23:34,038 Oh, did you bring a big butt that's yours? 473 00:23:34,121 --> 00:23:36,206 Hey! You two stop it. This is ridiculous. 474 00:23:36,290 --> 00:23:38,709 You were friends, then you're girlfriend and boyfriend, 475 00:23:38,792 --> 00:23:40,294 now you're not friends at all? 476 00:23:40,377 --> 00:23:43,297 Go stand by those two weird Christmas movie posters 477 00:23:43,380 --> 00:23:46,467 and work your shit out. 478 00:23:46,967 --> 00:23:47,885 Maybe I am gay. 479 00:23:47,968 --> 00:23:51,096 - Okay, Andrew's not wrong. - I know. 480 00:23:51,180 --> 00:23:53,307 When you said "let's be friends," I was excited 481 00:23:53,390 --> 00:23:55,601 because I really like being friends with you. 482 00:23:55,684 --> 00:23:58,020 And we sucked at being boyfriend and girlfriend. 483 00:23:58,103 --> 00:24:01,315 - Totally sucked at it. - Are you sure we're not at Walgreens? 484 00:24:01,398 --> 00:24:04,109 I need to find the bin filled with plastic balls 485 00:24:04,193 --> 00:24:05,611 that are too light to throw. 486 00:24:05,694 --> 00:24:08,530 I'm really sorry I said all those terrible things about you. 487 00:24:08,614 --> 00:24:11,241 It's my fault. I lied about how we broke up. 488 00:24:11,325 --> 00:24:13,494 I guess I just didn't want to seem like the loser. 489 00:24:13,577 --> 00:24:15,496 We were both kind of losers. 490 00:24:15,579 --> 00:24:16,955 Yeah, we were. 491 00:24:17,039 --> 00:24:18,415 Shall we go to the movie? 492 00:24:18,499 --> 00:24:21,418 - After you, milady. - Thank you, good sir. 493 00:24:23,212 --> 00:24:26,072 Aw, Atlanta Claus, you gotta help me find 494 00:24:26,073 --> 00:24:28,759 a dying Mylar balloon that says "Wow." 495 00:24:28,842 --> 00:24:30,719 Merry Christ-murs! 496 00:24:30,803 --> 00:24:33,514 Have you been nar-ghty or nice? 497 00:24:33,597 --> 00:24:36,058 I can't be dishonest with you, Black Santa. 498 00:24:36,141 --> 00:24:37,476 I've been real nar-ghty. 499 00:24:37,559 --> 00:24:40,771 I'm the one who put the fecal matter on the basketballs. 500 00:24:40,854 --> 00:24:43,273 Hallelujer! 501 00:24:43,357 --> 00:24:48,278 Hey, Matthew, I just want to let you know that I... I figured it out. 502 00:24:48,362 --> 00:24:50,447 - I'm not gay. - Oh! 503 00:24:50,531 --> 00:24:52,991 You had a whole little journey, didn't you? 504 00:24:53,075 --> 00:24:55,086 Well, guess what, sack of potatoes? 505 00:24:55,087 --> 00:24:57,287 No one is 100-percent gay or straight. 506 00:24:57,371 --> 00:25:00,457 - It's a spectrum. - Oh. Well, how gay are you? 507 00:25:00,541 --> 00:25:03,293 I'm 20/20. Didn't Morrey give you the gay test? 508 00:25:03,377 --> 00:25:05,879 "Morrey"? Do you mean the Hormone Monster? 509 00:25:05,963 --> 00:25:08,924 Yeah, Morrey. He's the fucking man. 510 00:25:09,007 --> 00:25:10,884 And he's only a monster when he does coke. 511 00:25:10,968 --> 00:25:12,761 Wow. Hmm. Well, that's... 512 00:25:12,845 --> 00:25:16,098 anyway, I guess I should be in less of a hurry to figure everything out 513 00:25:16,181 --> 00:25:18,267 and just take each boner as it comes. 514 00:25:18,350 --> 00:25:19,977 You're precious. 515 00:25:20,060 --> 00:25:23,105 Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch "PB: NYC," 516 00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:26,859 which looks... super gay. 517 00:25:26,942 --> 00:25:28,235 Bye-ee! 518 00:25:29,653 --> 00:25:32,489 What in the what? Where do we go now, Paul Bunyan? 519 00:25:32,573 --> 00:25:35,159 We're going to the Brambles in Central Park. 520 00:25:36,493 --> 00:25:38,954 Wait, what? Please tell me there's a Walgreens 521 00:25:39,037 --> 00:25:41,123 in the gay part of Central Park. 522 00:25:41,206 --> 00:25:45,127 I really need a DVD of "Van Helsing" and a six-foot-long receipt. 523 00:25:49,882 --> 00:25:50,716 Agh! 524 00:25:50,799 --> 00:25:53,802 Please tell me they put a Walgreens in this Netflix. 525 00:25:53,886 --> 00:25:56,221 What are you guys gonna watch next? Do you wanna hang out? 526 00:25:56,305 --> 00:25:58,474 You guys gonna watch another episode? 527 00:26:01,478 --> 00:26:06,478 - Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -