1
00:00:06,172 --> 00:00:08,174
[jazz music playing]

2
00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:12,470
So, to begin with,
we both love romantic comedies...

3
00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:14,556
- This is actually how we met.
- Let me tell it.

4
00:00:14,639 --> 00:00:16,279
- Okay.
- I was watching <i>Must Love Dogs...</i>

5
00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:18,351
- Oh, Diane Lane.
- Diane Lane.

6
00:00:18,435 --> 00:00:19,978
Diane... Lane.

7
00:00:20,061 --> 00:00:22,689
There's a scene where she comes down
for her date with John Cus...

8
00:00:22,772 --> 00:00:25,650
- Oh, I love that scene.
- Yes, she's in this spaghetti strap dress.

9
00:00:25,734 --> 00:00:27,652
- Ooh-la-la.
- I look over next to me,

10
00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:29,696
- and who's sitting there...
- This guy!

11
00:00:29,779 --> 00:00:30,864
He was a dog.

12
00:00:30,947 --> 00:00:33,533
- I really thought he was a large dog.
- Woof, woof!

13
00:00:33,616 --> 00:00:35,952
So anyway, he suggests we double down

14
00:00:36,077 --> 00:00:38,079
- and watch <i>Nights in Rodanthe...</i>
- No!

15
00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:40,540
- It wasn't <i>Nights in Rodanthe.</i>
- Yes, it was.

16
00:00:40,623 --> 00:00:44,711
- It was <i>Under the Tuscan Sun.</i> Yes.
- Ugh, as much as I hate to say it,

17
00:00:44,794 --> 00:00:47,672
- he's right. [chuckles]
- He hates when I'm right. He hates it.

18
00:00:47,756 --> 00:00:49,066
- I hate it.
- Like, when I'm like,

19
00:00:49,090 --> 00:00:50,467
"Let's jerk off in the shower."

20
00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:53,303
Well, it rattles me, you know?
You're so... often wrong.

21
00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:55,573
- But when I'm right...
- When you're right, you're right!

22
00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:57,807
So Diane's life had come to a standstill...

23
00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:00,185
Right, she needs to find herself in Italy.

24
00:01:00,268 --> 00:01:02,979
Okay, and this whole family sees her
on a balcony,

25
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:05,231
- and she's in her bra.
- And we paused it,

26
00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:06,941
and I did what I did,

27
00:01:07,025 --> 00:01:08,985
- and, uh...
- Yeah, the rest is history.

28
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:11,196
Wow, that was over 18 months ago.

29
00:01:11,279 --> 00:01:13,531
- Feels like I've known you a lifetime.
- Yeah.

30
00:01:13,948 --> 00:01:15,658
- Diane Lane.
- Diane Lane.

31
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:18,369
- Is any of this usable?
- [both chuckling]

32
00:01:18,453 --> 00:01:19,996
[light jazz music playing]

33
00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:30,173
- [birds tweeting]
- [purring and snoring]

34
00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:33,635
- [sighs, purrs]
- [whimpers]

35
00:01:34,260 --> 00:01:37,222
I am your new Hormone Monster.

36
00:01:37,806 --> 00:01:39,099
- [moans]
- [slapping]

37
00:01:39,974 --> 00:01:42,644
- [sighs] Okay, just gonna...
- [purrs softly]

38
00:01:43,978 --> 00:01:45,980
[groans, inhales sharply]

39
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:48,900
[groans] Why do my nipples hurt so much?

40
00:01:48,983 --> 00:01:49,984
[Connie moans]

41
00:01:50,068 --> 00:01:53,655
Happy Valentime's Day,
my little baby Bunsen burner.

42
00:01:53,738 --> 00:01:56,157
- Oh, hey, happy Valentine's Day.
- [chuckles]

43
00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:57,951
- I was just, um...
- Sneaking out?

44
00:01:58,034 --> 00:02:00,870
No, I wasn't sneaking out, I just...
You know, late for school, but...

45
00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:03,289
Hey, do you know what's going on
with my nipples?

46
00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:07,710
Oh, yeah, they're gonna get all tender
and swolled up like a Butterball turkey.

47
00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:10,296
And do you know if this is, like,
normal for boys?

48
00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:12,465
- Absolutely. I think so.
- What?

49
00:02:12,549 --> 00:02:13,549
- Maybe.
- Hold on,

50
00:02:13,591 --> 00:02:16,511
am I the first boy to ever have
a lady hormone monster?

51
00:02:16,594 --> 00:02:19,180
- Pssh, no! Course not.
- Oh, good.

52
00:02:19,264 --> 00:02:21,766
- You just happen to be <i>my </i>first boy.
- What?

53
00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:25,103
- I'm the first boy you've ever had?
- They like me with girls, mostly.

54
00:02:25,186 --> 00:02:26,855
I don't think I'm a girl, am I?

55
00:02:26,938 --> 00:02:29,524
- No, you definitely got a penis.
- Right, I'm a boy.

56
00:02:29,607 --> 00:02:32,485
- Or a girl, with a penis.
- You know what? I really just gotta go.

57
00:02:32,569 --> 00:02:34,449
- All right, you run along, baby.
- [door shuts]

58
00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:36,364
I'll be here farting up in your bed.

59
00:02:36,447 --> 00:02:38,783
- [saxophone riff plays]
- [sniffs]

60
00:02:38,867 --> 00:02:41,119
Mmm, that smells like raw honey.

61
00:02:41,202 --> 00:02:43,121
Sorry, forgot my... Oh, my God!
What is that?

62
00:02:43,204 --> 00:02:44,998
- [sniffs] You like that?
- No!

63
00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:46,332
That came from the front.

64
00:02:47,208 --> 00:02:48,710
Okay... all right.

65
00:02:48,793 --> 00:02:50,354
What do you think of my valentine
for Missy?

66
00:02:50,378 --> 00:02:52,298
- Okay, let me...
- Will you put your glasses on?

67
00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:53,923
I don't need 'em. I don't need glasses.

68
00:02:54,007 --> 00:02:56,593
Okay, let me see... "Your move, mama."

69
00:02:56,676 --> 00:02:57,802
- Right?
- Interesting.

70
00:02:57,886 --> 00:03:00,638
Remember, I saw on your computer
that she still has a thing for me.

71
00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:03,266
So you're telling <i>her</i>
to make the next move,

72
00:03:03,349 --> 00:03:05,018
even though you've made no move?

73
00:03:05,101 --> 00:03:08,354
Exactly.
I always blow it on Valentine's Day

74
00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:10,648
because I try too hard.
But this year? [chuckles]

75
00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:12,275
I'm flipping the script, daddio.

76
00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:14,402
- A red Kangol hat?
- Burgundy.

77
00:03:14,485 --> 00:03:16,654
[exhales]
Andrew, I'm gonna be honest with you.

78
00:03:16,738 --> 00:03:17,572
You look...

79
00:03:17,739 --> 00:03:19,324
insanely good.

80
00:03:19,407 --> 00:03:23,328
- Like Billy Crystal at a Clippers game.
- That's exactly what I was going for!

81
00:03:23,411 --> 00:03:25,538
[both] Women love Billy Crystal!

82
00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:27,040
[women moaning]

83
00:03:27,123 --> 00:03:28,124
[Shannon] Dina!

84
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,251
- [thudding on wall]
- [Shannon] Oh, Dina!

85
00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:33,838
<i>You</i> understand! <i>You</i> understand!

86
00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:36,716
Your dad did not understand.

87
00:03:36,799 --> 00:03:39,052
[Shannon] Happy Valentine's Day!

88
00:03:39,135 --> 00:03:42,472
Ugh. Valentine's Day sucks!

89
00:03:42,805 --> 00:03:43,973
Is this trying too hard?

90
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,476
I got it at Topman, yet it screams bottom.

91
00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:49,812
Top, bottom.
These are old paradigms, man.

92
00:03:49,896 --> 00:03:52,357
- You look like a hot hunk of cheese.
- Ah, fuck it.

93
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,080
I'm the only out kid in the whole school.

94
00:03:54,150 --> 00:03:55,944
There's nobody for me
to give a valentine to.

95
00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:58,780
That's why I've been pushing you
to go on websites.

96
00:03:58,863 --> 00:04:01,074
Going online to meet someone
just feels thirsty.

97
00:04:01,157 --> 00:04:03,117
Yeah, thirsty for some of that bussy.

98
00:04:03,201 --> 00:04:04,452
Bussy? What is bussy?

99
00:04:04,535 --> 00:04:07,455
- It's butt pussy. You're into that, right?
- Hmm, I don't know.

100
00:04:07,538 --> 00:04:10,166
That's why you gotta get online, Matt.

101
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:13,086
Oh! They talkin' 'bout butt pussy!

102
00:04:13,169 --> 00:04:15,922
If that makes you uncomfortable,
buckle up, y'all!

103
00:04:16,005 --> 00:04:18,258
'Cause this is a double episode!

104
00:04:18,341 --> 00:04:19,592
Double the butt pussy!

105
00:04:19,676 --> 00:04:22,929
That's four cheeks.
Spread 'em out, bitches!

106
00:04:23,012 --> 00:04:23,930
[moaning]

107
00:04:24,013 --> 00:04:27,976
God, Jay, you're so good
at the before-sex stuff.

108
00:04:28,059 --> 00:04:30,687
Yeah, for girls <i>and </i>guys, bro.

109
00:04:30,770 --> 00:04:33,273
Oh, yeah, I guess I'm kind of...

110
00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:35,191
the ultimate fuck machine?

111
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,877
- [crowd cheers]
- [Suzette] <i>Welcome back.</i>

112
00:04:36,901 --> 00:04:40,363
Jay's about to jerk and chow his way
through our brutal course,

113
00:04:40,446 --> 00:04:42,240
all to become the next...

114
00:04:42,323 --> 00:04:45,368
[both] Ultimate Fuck Machine!

115
00:04:45,451 --> 00:04:46,995
[Suzette] And here he goes.

116
00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:49,163
- First up is Booby Bridge.
- [panting]

117
00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:51,249
And... he made it!

118
00:04:51,332 --> 00:04:53,835
[Brad] Now he's gotta get
past the Ding-Dong Pegs.

119
00:04:53,918 --> 00:04:55,586
Rock those cocks, dude!

120
00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:57,463
[Suzette] On to the Double Gazz...

121
00:04:57,547 --> 00:05:00,842
[Brad] If he can just get them to cum
at the same time...

122
00:05:00,925 --> 00:05:03,011
[Jay grunts, babbles]

123
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,303
[horn blares]

124
00:05:04,971 --> 00:05:06,180
- [bell dings]
- Whoo!

125
00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:08,099
[Suzette] Ladies and gentlemen...

126
00:05:08,182 --> 00:05:10,727
[Brad] Jay Bilzerian is your...

127
00:05:10,893 --> 00:05:13,896
[Suzette and Brad] Ultimate Fuck Machine!

128
00:05:14,063 --> 00:05:15,148
[all moaning]

129
00:05:15,231 --> 00:05:17,567
God, I love fucking you both,

130
00:05:17,650 --> 00:05:19,360
but in such different ways.

131
00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:22,113
So, what are we doing for V-Day,
Jacked Galifianakis?

132
00:05:22,196 --> 00:05:25,950
I want a romantic dinner
and a magical night of hardcore pounding.

133
00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:28,745
But I wanna do
a bro CrossFit workout session

134
00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:30,163
and stuff that grape leaf.

135
00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:33,416
How are we supposed to share you,
you stinky little sex champ?

136
00:05:33,499 --> 00:05:36,544
Guys, relax. I can do you both

137
00:05:36,627 --> 00:05:39,797
and give each of you the perfect
Valentine's Day.

138
00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:42,467
Now, who should I flop my dick
around on to dry it off?

139
00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:44,886
- Me, bro, me!
- No, me, Jay, me!

140
00:05:46,554 --> 00:05:48,806
[gasps] Happy Valentine's Day, Nicky!

141
00:05:48,890 --> 00:05:51,684
Mmm, looks like it's just gonna be
the three of us for dinner tonight.

142
00:05:51,768 --> 00:05:53,495
- Did you make your mother a card?
- I'm on it.

143
00:05:53,519 --> 00:05:55,938
- Judd, what about you?
- Dad, your breath smells like pussy.

144
00:05:56,022 --> 00:05:58,232
- It always does.
- Ew, gross.

145
00:05:58,316 --> 00:06:01,110
Nick, your family has no boundaries!

146
00:06:01,235 --> 00:06:03,363
They're like Doctors Without Borders.

147
00:06:03,446 --> 00:06:07,825
<i>♪ If the doctors ate each other out ♪</i>

148
00:06:08,117 --> 00:06:11,329
Guys, can we just tone it down
this year for Valentine's Day?

149
00:06:11,412 --> 00:06:12,413
Tone it down?

150
00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:15,625
Nicky, Valentine's Day, it's wonderful...
It's... It's...

151
00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:18,711
- [piano music playing]
- ♪<i> It's a day of hugs and snuggles</i> ♪

152
00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:21,798
♪ <i>A time to spread your loving seeds</i> ♪

153
00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:25,051
♪ <i>It's a rolling, growing pink snowball</i> ♪

154
00:06:25,134 --> 00:06:27,595
♪ <i>Of stress that no one needs</i> ♪

155
00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:30,640
♪ <i>It's unhealthy expectations</i> ♪

156
00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:33,810
♪ <i>An opportunity to impress</i> ♪

157
00:06:33,893 --> 00:06:36,479
♪ <i>It's a yearly grim reminder</i> ♪

158
00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:40,108
♪ <i>That your life's a fucked-up mess</i> ♪

159
00:06:41,484 --> 00:06:44,445
♪ <i>It's a dark and lurid history</i> ♪

160
00:06:44,529 --> 00:06:47,281
♪ <i>Of deviant pagan kicks</i> ♪

161
00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:50,243
♪ <i>It's outrageously expensive</i> ♪

162
00:06:50,326 --> 00:06:53,287
♪ <i>Just stay home and watch the Knicks</i> ♪

163
00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:56,457
♪ <i>It's a big fat middle finger</i> ♪

164
00:06:56,541 --> 00:06:59,127
♪ <i>To those who are all alone</i> ♪

165
00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:02,463
♪ <i>Whether sick or tired or uninspired</i> ♪

166
00:07:02,547 --> 00:07:05,299
♪ <i>You still gotta bring the bone</i> ♪

167
00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:08,219
♪ <i>It's a clusterfuck of passions</i> ♪

168
00:07:08,302 --> 00:07:11,013
♪ <i>An emotional tour de force</i> ♪

169
00:07:11,347 --> 00:07:14,225
♪ <i>It's a cuddly little cupid</i> ♪

170
00:07:14,308 --> 00:07:19,147
♪ <i>With the cock of a full-grown horse</i> ♪

171
00:07:19,272 --> 00:07:22,066
[all singing in unison]
♪ <i>Valentine, St. Valentine</i> ♪

172
00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:24,402
♪ <i>I gotta make it through your day</i> ♪

173
00:07:25,027 --> 00:07:28,156
<i>♪ Of candy hearts and chocolate sharts ♪</i>

174
00:07:28,239 --> 00:07:30,825
♪ <i>And every bullshit love cliché</i> ♪

175
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:33,911
♪ <i>The hard-ons and the heartaches</i> ♪

176
00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:36,539
♪ <i>The pressure, pain, and fear</i> ♪

177
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:39,250
♪ <i>Valentine's Day</i> ♪

178
00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:43,671
♪ <i>Got to survive you another year</i> ♪

179
00:07:44,755 --> 00:07:46,316
- [Nick] ♪<i> What does having...</i> ♪
- ♪ <i>I can't take it</i> ♪

180
00:07:46,340 --> 00:07:48,509
♪ <i>...a girl hormone monster mean?</i> ♪

181
00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:50,761
♪ <i>How long can I be a fuck machine?</i> ♪

182
00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:54,307
<i>- </i>♪<i> I'll be cool, and she'll be droolin'</i> ♪
<i>- </i>♪<i> Why is there never anyone for me?</i> ♪

183
00:07:54,390 --> 00:07:58,269
♪ <i>But then what if the Knicks
Aren't on TV?</i> ♪

184
00:07:58,561 --> 00:08:01,105
[all] ♪<i> Valentine, St. Valentine</i> ♪

185
00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:03,816
♪ <i>Your day is fuckin' asinine</i> ♪

186
00:08:03,900 --> 00:08:05,485
♪ <i>But I swear by God</i> ♪

187
00:08:05,568 --> 00:08:10,448
♪ <i>I'm gonna make it through</i> ♪

188
00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:13,659
[singing]...through!

189
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:16,662
Andrew,
and I don't mean this as a compliment,

190
00:08:16,746 --> 00:08:18,664
you look like a lesbian newsie.

191
00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:21,584
- Say what? You mean my Kangol hizzie?
- Oh, the hats.

192
00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:22,960
Why with the hats?

193
00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:26,756
Guys, I happen to be playing it cool
for Valentine's Day.

194
00:08:26,839 --> 00:08:29,359
Oh, no, I know what you're going for,
it's just the hat's awful.

195
00:08:29,425 --> 00:08:30,760
- I disagree, Red.
- Red?

196
00:08:30,843 --> 00:08:32,845
This proper topper
may not lift <i>your </i>skirt,

197
00:08:32,929 --> 00:08:33,971
but by the end of the day,

198
00:08:34,055 --> 00:08:37,099
Missy will be eating out of my cool,
clammy hands.

199
00:08:37,183 --> 00:08:38,684
I can already see the endgame.

200
00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:41,020
Oh, wow, what a terrific thrill!

201
00:08:41,103 --> 00:08:44,023
But, uh, this award really belongs to...

202
00:08:44,106 --> 00:08:46,901
Andrew Glouberman, my lover, my manager,

203
00:08:46,984 --> 00:08:49,862
and he's the cool cat with the Kangol hat!

204
00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:52,448
Because of my success,
I could have anyone,

205
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,700
but I still choose Andrew. He's the one.

206
00:08:54,784 --> 00:08:56,011
- [loud cheers]
- Please, please.

207
00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:59,872
But she is correct.
I did this. I did this myself.

208
00:09:00,623 --> 00:09:02,291
You are a real nightmare.

209
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:06,128
It's the hat. He builds the character
out from the hat.

210
00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:08,464
[Jessi] Jesus!

211
00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:10,716
Red roses? [scoffs]

212
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:12,635
That is so cliché.

213
00:09:12,718 --> 00:09:15,888
I told you
I wanted something devastating this year.

214
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:18,975
I don't know what that means.
Why don't you just tell me what you want?

215
00:09:19,058 --> 00:09:20,935
I want you to surprise me with something

216
00:09:21,018 --> 00:09:24,188
that shows everyone
I'm the most special girl in the world,

217
00:09:24,272 --> 00:09:25,147
obviously.

218
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:27,817
Baby, what if I got you a Nintendo Switch
and we shared it?

219
00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:28,985
[loud buzzer]

220
00:09:29,068 --> 00:09:31,028
[news fanfare plays]

221
00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:33,573
<i>It's Valentine's Day at Bridgeton Middle.</i>

222
00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:34,907
<i>Who's your valentine?</i>

223
00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:37,952
<i>If you don't have one,
you're probably ugly and don't know it.</i>

224
00:09:38,077 --> 00:09:39,996
<i>With me now is Lump Humpman.</i>

225
00:09:40,079 --> 00:09:41,706
<i>Lump, do you know you're ugly?</i>

226
00:09:41,789 --> 00:09:44,959
<i>My mom says my attitude is what's ugly.</i>

227
00:09:45,042 --> 00:09:45,918
<i>Hey, guys!</i>

228
00:09:46,002 --> 00:09:49,714
<i>Me and Gina are co-hosting
a Valentine's Day fiesta</i>

229
00:09:49,797 --> 00:09:51,591
<i>tonight at my mom's condo.</i>

230
00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:53,175
<i>For the record, it's not my party.</i>

231
00:09:53,259 --> 00:09:55,595
<i>You see, my mom is having a conjugal visit</i>

232
00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:58,598
<i>with this prisoner that she's pursuing.</i>

233
00:09:58,681 --> 00:10:02,059
<i>She's, like, ultimately, very relentless.</i>

234
00:10:02,143 --> 00:10:03,811
<i>- Not my party.
- Also!</i>

235
00:10:03,894 --> 00:10:08,024
<i>It's a food drive for special girls
whose moms left grocery money,</i>

236
00:10:08,107 --> 00:10:11,902
<i>- but they spent it all at Sephora!
- She bought eight different perfumes.</i>

237
00:10:11,986 --> 00:10:12,903
And, Nick!

238
00:10:12,987 --> 00:10:15,323
You can't come
because you were a little dick

239
00:10:15,406 --> 00:10:16,824
to my <i>chica, </i>Gina.

240
00:10:16,907 --> 00:10:18,534
<i>- </i>Hello.
- Ugh. Hello, Nick.

241
00:10:18,618 --> 00:10:20,911
[whispers]
But I will leave the back door unlocked

242
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:24,373
because, like, at the end of the day,
I love drama.

243
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:27,627
- Good to know.
- Also, I'm, like, starving!

244
00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:30,796
I've been living on perfume squirts.

245
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:34,091
Squirt, squirt! Step into it.
Chomp, chomp!

246
00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:36,802
[playing off-key]

247
00:10:36,927 --> 00:10:39,263
Ooh, yeah! Liquid sex.

248
00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:41,098
Hi, Andrew. Nice Kangol hat.

249
00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:43,517
You look like...
Well, you look like my dad, actually.

250
00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:46,604
- We're all lookin' for a daddy.
- Hmm, no, my dad's pretty present.

251
00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:49,649
- Anyway, I made this valentine for you.
- Ah, that's sweet.

252
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:51,859
You're a sweet kid. Hey, hey, hey.

253
00:10:51,942 --> 00:10:54,945
- Don't ever let this town change you.
- Okay.

254
00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:59,158
Well, anyway, in this valentine is
actually a homemade tissue paper collage

255
00:10:59,241 --> 00:11:01,952
of St. Valentine secretly
marrying a couple...

256
00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:04,497
I wish I had something for...
Uh-oh, what's that?

257
00:11:04,580 --> 00:11:06,861
I don't know, looks like you threw
something on the floor.

258
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:09,502
Oh. "Your move, mama"?
Huh? What does that mean?

259
00:11:09,585 --> 00:11:11,796
Oh, you know what it means,
Mama Leone.

260
00:11:11,879 --> 00:11:14,882
If that's movin' up,
then I am most definitely

261
00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:15,841
a-movin' out.

262
00:11:15,966 --> 00:11:19,136
Hot dang!
Billy Joel makes my bussy tingle.

263
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:20,680
[purrs]

264
00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:24,016
Okay, uh...
Lars, Caleb, these are for you.

265
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,519
- What? She made one for everyone?
- Here you go.

266
00:11:26,602 --> 00:11:29,438
There's a poem inside written
by Charles, Duke of Orléans, to his wife.

267
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:32,149
Holy smokes! The first known valentine!

268
00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:35,152
[both] Composed in 1415!

269
00:11:35,236 --> 00:11:37,530
- Jinx. Buy me a sugar-free organic cola.
- [laughs]

270
00:11:37,613 --> 00:11:39,824
Oh, no! She's laughing at his joke! Quick!

271
00:11:39,907 --> 00:11:43,285
Jump up and touch the doorjamb!
Show her your physical prowess!

272
00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:46,038
- Ow, fuck! My coccyx!
- Slink out!

273
00:11:46,122 --> 00:11:48,124
- Slink out of the room!
- I'm fine!

274
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:50,793
Oh, I hope this doesn't jam my stool.

275
00:11:50,876 --> 00:11:53,003
- So what do I do here, just...
- Are we starting?

276
00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:54,967
- ...just clip this to my fucking fur?
- [sighs]

277
00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:58,134
- Connie drives me crazy.
- I love big and I love hard.

278
00:11:58,217 --> 00:11:59,468
- I got my period...
- Oof.

279
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:02,930
Then I got cramps that were truly
like a hate crime.

280
00:12:03,013 --> 00:12:05,224
- Mm-hmm.
- Then I threw a yogurt at my mother.

281
00:12:05,307 --> 00:12:07,810
It was beautiful!

282
00:12:07,893 --> 00:12:09,061
Tell him what happened, baby.

283
00:12:09,145 --> 00:12:11,188
- I mean, I don't feel like that story...
- Come on!

284
00:12:11,272 --> 00:12:12,457
...casts me in the best light.

285
00:12:12,481 --> 00:12:14,481
- Well then, I'm gonna tell'm for ya, so...
- Okay.

286
00:12:14,525 --> 00:12:16,902
So, Jessi comes down for breakfast,

287
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:20,281
and Shannon says,
"Now, <i>that </i>color looks nice on you."

288
00:12:20,364 --> 00:12:22,867
- "What about the other colors then, Mom?"
- Exactly!

289
00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:25,202
- It's crazy.
- That's why that yogurt needed

290
00:12:25,286 --> 00:12:26,954
to end up on the wall!

291
00:12:27,037 --> 00:12:29,999
"You like that color, Shannon?
Yogurt-on-the-wall color?"

292
00:12:30,082 --> 00:12:31,625
[chuckles]

293
00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:34,378
- You're crazy, girl!
- <i>You're </i>crazy!

294
00:12:34,462 --> 00:12:37,465
I can't wait till you get
your driver's license!

295
00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,842
Oh, it's gonna be epic.

296
00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:42,678
[grunts]

297
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,431
I just don't think a boy should have
a lady hormone monster.

298
00:12:45,514 --> 00:12:47,308
I mean, what does that even say about me?

299
00:12:47,391 --> 00:12:51,187
Well,
maybe you're one of those sensitive boys.

300
00:12:51,270 --> 00:12:52,521
I'm not sensitive!

301
00:12:52,605 --> 00:12:53,898
[grunts, inhales sharply]

302
00:12:53,981 --> 00:12:56,442
- Oh, damn it!
- Relax, Nipolas!

303
00:12:56,525 --> 00:12:58,027
Maybe it's a good thing.

304
00:12:58,110 --> 00:13:00,279
Connie can give you
that female point of view.

305
00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:04,700
- Huh. I never thought about that.
- I wish I had a lady hormone monster.

306
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:08,788
Maybe she could help me get a Valentine's
date with the ghost of Whitney Houston!

307
00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:11,290
- Oh, you're into Whitney?
- Absolutely.

308
00:13:11,373 --> 00:13:14,043
But she's in love
with the ghost of Nina Simone.

309
00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:17,004
And Nina's in love
with the ghost of Burt Reynolds.

310
00:13:17,129 --> 00:13:18,839
- [jazz piano plays]
- <i>♪ Valentine's Day ♪</i>

311
00:13:18,923 --> 00:13:20,841
<i>♪ A game of musical chairs ♪</i>

312
00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:23,719
<i>♪ And there's never a chair for ol' Duke ♪</i>

313
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:29,099
[laughing, sobbing]

314
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:34,396
So, you know,
Howie Long story Martin Short,

315
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,315
they fired me from the school,

316
00:13:36,398 --> 00:13:39,151
and now
I'm "Walgreens Greeter Coach Steve."

317
00:13:39,235 --> 00:13:43,239
Not to brag,
but I've never been closer to suicide.

318
00:13:43,322 --> 00:13:44,907
Where do you keep the tiny bow ties?

319
00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:47,201
I need ten for my... plans.

320
00:13:47,284 --> 00:13:51,789
Did you say "tiny bow ties"
or "24-pack of Arizona Iced Tea"?

321
00:13:51,872 --> 00:13:53,999
- I'll find them myself.
- Okay, bye, Judge.

322
00:13:54,124 --> 00:13:56,686
- [female voice] <i>I love you.</i>
- I love you, too! Who... Who said that?

323
00:13:56,710 --> 00:14:00,422
- [female voice] <i>Be mine.</i>
- Oh, a beautiful red thing.

324
00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:03,801
Of course I'll be yours,
always and forever.

325
00:14:03,884 --> 00:14:06,387
[female voice] <i>Happy Valentine's Day
from Walgreens.</i>

326
00:14:06,470 --> 00:14:10,140
Ho-ho! I can't wait to tell my boys
about this meet-cute!

327
00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:13,060
And by "my boys," I mean my eyebrows.

328
00:14:13,143 --> 00:14:16,021
Hey, boys! I met the woman of my dreams!

329
00:14:16,146 --> 00:14:17,565
Hey, where you guys going?

330
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,024
Hey! Oof!

331
00:14:19,650 --> 00:14:22,820
Okay, I know how you like people
to think you're pretty but also nice...

332
00:14:22,903 --> 00:14:24,780
- Okay.
- So I... [chuckles]

333
00:14:24,864 --> 00:14:26,448
...got you a rescue dog.

334
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:29,285
- [Devin scoffs] You got me a used dog?
- [panting]

335
00:14:29,368 --> 00:14:31,245
Is that what you think that I deserve?

336
00:14:31,328 --> 00:14:34,665
I am the wrong kind of devastated!
[crying]

337
00:14:34,748 --> 00:14:35,791
[loud buzzer]

338
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,252
I think I'm allergic to my Kangol hat.

339
00:14:38,335 --> 00:14:40,379
- It must have colophony in it.
- What's that now?

340
00:14:40,462 --> 00:14:43,632
It's a fabric adhesive.
I'm acutely allergic to it.

341
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,885
- I break out in dermatitis.
- Hey, guys!

342
00:14:45,968 --> 00:14:50,806
Do you losers wanna play your shit music
at my lit Valentine's party?

343
00:14:50,890 --> 00:14:53,517
But Andrew can't come
'cause he's completely toxic!

344
00:14:53,601 --> 00:14:55,728
- We'll make it work.
- You're gonna play without me?

345
00:14:55,936 --> 00:14:58,772
- A hundred percent.
- Sorry, Andrew. The show must go on.

346
00:14:58,856 --> 00:15:02,067
Hey, is it too early
for me to suggest killing both of them?

347
00:15:02,151 --> 00:15:05,029
- You know, story-wise?
- Feels a little soon.

348
00:15:05,112 --> 00:15:08,449
Sorry, I'm not good with story.
I... I'm more of a joke guy.

349
00:15:08,532 --> 00:15:11,493
- Valentine's Day sucks.
- It sucks!

350
00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:13,847
But, like... [clicks tongue]
Okay, here's this crazy idea.

351
00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:17,833
Would it be hilarious if you and I,
just, like, as a joke, went on, like,

352
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,376
a non-date Valentine's date?

353
00:15:19,460 --> 00:15:21,378
Like a deeply ironic

354
00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:23,464
anti-Valentine's Day,

355
00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:24,715
non-date date?

356
00:15:24,798 --> 00:15:25,883
Anti all of it!

357
00:15:25,966 --> 00:15:27,176
- Dinner, dancing.
- Yes.

358
00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:28,385
A musical number!

359
00:15:28,469 --> 00:15:30,971
Um, yeah, I don't know
about the musical number, though.

360
00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:34,058
<i>- </i>I don't have a great voice.
- I got you, girl. My voice is so good...

361
00:15:34,141 --> 00:15:35,976
[in harmony] <i>♪ It's basically a duet ♪</i>

362
00:15:36,060 --> 00:15:37,937
How the fuck did you do that?

363
00:15:38,020 --> 00:15:39,855
[in harmony] <i>♪ I'm so talented ♪</i>

364
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:41,023
[laughs]

365
00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:44,610
Oy vey. Why do the good ones
always gotta be oy gay?

366
00:15:44,693 --> 00:15:49,406
It's a man's choice to be gay, Connie.
Please respect a man's right tochoose.

367
00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:50,490
All right.

368
00:15:50,574 --> 00:15:51,784
Wait. What's that now?

369
00:15:52,076 --> 00:15:53,202
[slurping]

370
00:15:53,285 --> 00:15:56,205
- Jay, slow down, there, buddy.
- [grunts] Can't, I'm protein loading!

371
00:15:56,288 --> 00:16:00,376
- Are you, uh, eating cafeteria oysters?
- I got a big night ahead of me.

372
00:16:00,459 --> 00:16:01,377
I'm slurping these down

373
00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:04,505
'cause I heard they make you shoot ropes
out of your dong!

374
00:16:04,588 --> 00:16:06,465
- Oh, God!
- Well, enjoy your meal, Jay.

375
00:16:06,548 --> 00:16:08,217
- [laughing]
- [Andrew scoffs]

376
00:16:08,300 --> 00:16:11,136
- What a phony.
- Yeah, we should kick his ass.

377
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:12,304
- You know my theory?
- Huh?

378
00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:13,949
- He doesn't even need the chair.
- What?

379
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:16,475
I bet he uses it to seem smarter,
like Stephen Hawking.

380
00:16:16,558 --> 00:16:19,019
No, Andrew,
I... I think he needs the chair.

381
00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:22,147
Nah, he can walk.
I think he can walk just fine.

382
00:16:22,231 --> 00:16:25,234
Ah, man.
This is a bad road to drive down.

383
00:16:25,317 --> 00:16:28,028
Go on and wish Gina
a happy Valentime's Day, come on.

384
00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:30,030
- Wait, did you say "Valen-time'sDay"?
- Yeah.

385
00:16:30,114 --> 00:16:31,865
- Okay.
- It's the time of the Valen.

386
00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:34,952
I don't think Gina wants any part
of my time. She doesn't like me.

387
00:16:35,035 --> 00:16:36,155
- Oh.
- So, what's the point?

388
00:16:36,203 --> 00:16:38,497
The point is being a good little guy

389
00:16:38,580 --> 00:16:40,582
without expecting something in return.

390
00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,626
Huh. That's actually
an interesting point of view.

391
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:45,754
Why can't you just admit
that I'm good for you?

392
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:46,839
I don't know. Are you?

393
00:16:46,922 --> 00:16:50,300
[clicks tongue] Oh, please!
Don't you remember up in your bed?

394
00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:54,013
When you tug-a-tug-tugged
until you glug-a-glug-glugged?

395
00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:56,181
Connie, I don't know
if anything really happened.

396
00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:58,559
I certainly didn't, you know,
shoot any ropes.

397
00:16:58,642 --> 00:17:02,187
Oh, come on!
But you did enjoy yourself, right?

398
00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:04,898
Sure, it was a nice experience,

399
00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:07,693
but I... I may have embellished it
a little bit for your benefit.

400
00:17:07,776 --> 00:17:09,696
- What, you saying you faked it?
- [Nick] Mm-hmm.

401
00:17:09,737 --> 00:17:12,573
- Get out of here! I would know.
- Oh, would you?

402
00:17:12,656 --> 00:17:13,991
- You would know?
- I would!

403
00:17:14,074 --> 00:17:15,394
- Are you sure about that?
- Yeah.

404
00:17:15,993 --> 00:17:18,120
- Oh, my God...
- [Connie] What you doing, Nick?

405
00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:20,039
You're looking directly into my pupils.

406
00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:22,458
- Oh, Jesus.
- Okay, very cute.

407
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:23,417
- [moans]
- Mm-hmm.

408
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:25,544
Oh, God, this feels so good.
I'm gonna cum.

409
00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:28,422
- [Connie] We get it.
- I'm gonna cum! Oh, my God! Oh!

410
00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:30,799
- [groans]
- It's a little overdone, don't you think?

411
00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:33,552
[moans in pleasure]

412
00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:36,555
- No, don't fucking touch me. Oh, God.
- [Connie] Mm, mm, mm.

413
00:17:36,638 --> 00:17:38,891
I'll have what he's having.

414
00:17:39,349 --> 00:17:41,977
A big orgasm.
That's what I'm talking about, baby.

415
00:17:42,352 --> 00:17:44,271
[Matthew]
"Two hearts sharing the same beat,

416
00:17:44,354 --> 00:17:47,316
two bodies sharing the same feet"?

417
00:17:47,399 --> 00:17:48,734
What does that even mean?

418
00:17:48,817 --> 00:17:51,195
Oh, it's for incestuous conjoined twins.

419
00:17:51,278 --> 00:17:53,655
Oh, they really do have a card
for everyone here.

420
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:56,408
"The only thing
that could ever separate us

421
00:17:56,492 --> 00:18:00,037
is a lengthy surgery
that one of us may not survive,

422
00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:01,747
so let's not risk it"?

423
00:18:01,830 --> 00:18:03,415
Am I crazy, or is that actually sweet?

424
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:04,917
Nice haul, Jay!

425
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,711
You gonna drink some protein shakes
in the dark?

426
00:18:07,795 --> 00:18:11,006
No, no, no. I've got two dates lined up
for Valentine's Day.

427
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,633
Brad <i>and</i> Suzette.

428
00:18:12,716 --> 00:18:15,260
Wow, you're a real Tony Romeo.

429
00:18:15,344 --> 00:18:17,930
I know. It's exhausting
being the Ultimate Fuck Machine.

430
00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:20,015
I may have bitten off
more than I can fuck.

431
00:18:20,099 --> 00:18:22,518
Or maybe it's "I may have fucked off
more than I can chew"?

432
00:18:22,601 --> 00:18:26,146
Hey, hey, hey, Jay. Watch your language
in front of my new lady friend!

433
00:18:26,230 --> 00:18:28,857
- Who's that now?
- Jay, the child my best friend,

434
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:32,528
please meet, constructed of merchandise,
my girlfriend,

435
00:18:32,611 --> 00:18:35,906
- Reese's Werther's-Spoons.
- [female voice] <i>I love you.</i>

436
00:18:36,156 --> 00:18:38,492
- Wow. Hey, Steve?
- Ooh, sidebar!

437
00:18:38,575 --> 00:18:41,245
Do you think it's possible
we're both using inanimate objects

438
00:18:41,328 --> 00:18:43,413
to avoid confronting our real issues?

439
00:18:43,497 --> 00:18:46,583
Hey, the only issue
I care about is the border wall.

440
00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:48,252
- Really?
- Keep everyone in!

441
00:18:48,335 --> 00:18:49,795
More friends for me!

442
00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:53,173
Do you think that Missy would like
this five-pound gummy bear?

443
00:18:53,257 --> 00:18:55,300
Or this Mylar balloon that says,

444
00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:58,929
- "For Christ's sake, please!"?
- What happened to playing it cool?

445
00:18:59,012 --> 00:19:00,652
That was a big mistake,
and you knew that.

446
00:19:00,681 --> 00:19:03,475
- So you can lose the hat now?
- Oh, my dear Nicholas, I wish I could,

447
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:07,020
but my scalp has broken out
in a profoundly violent rash.

448
00:19:07,104 --> 00:19:09,314
- From the colophony.
- God, I can hear it sizzling!

449
00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:10,899
[Andrew] That's 'cause it's sizzling.

450
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:12,985
Yeah, Missy cannot see this. Ooh.

451
00:19:13,068 --> 00:19:15,195
Not until I'm done bombarding her
with love.

452
00:19:15,279 --> 00:19:16,405
- [Nick] Oh...
- Holy shit!

453
00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:19,825
The South Beach Diet makes cookies
that help with female arousal?

454
00:19:19,908 --> 00:19:20,993
Yes, please!

455
00:19:21,076 --> 00:19:24,288
"To my mommy on Valentime's Day"?

456
00:19:24,371 --> 00:19:27,583
What the fuck kind
of wittle-baby bullshit is this?

457
00:19:27,666 --> 00:19:29,668
What? I always give my mom
a Valentine's Day card.

458
00:19:29,751 --> 00:19:32,254
Not anymore!
I hate to break it to you, boo-boo,

459
00:19:32,337 --> 00:19:34,464
but you in an Oedipal arrangement.

460
00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:36,675
No,
the Edible Arrangements are over there.

461
00:19:36,758 --> 00:19:39,553
I'm not talking about honeydew-dew
on a stick.

462
00:19:39,636 --> 00:19:41,889
I'm talking
'bout you wanting to fuck your momma,

463
00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:44,516
kill your daddy, and gouge your eyes out!

464
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:45,642
I don't want that!

465
00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:48,437
It's nice that my parents love me
and that I love them!

466
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,856
- [grumbles]
- Isn't that the way things are suppo...

467
00:19:50,939 --> 00:19:52,941
[inhales sharply] Jesus Christ!

468
00:19:53,025 --> 00:19:55,986
Oh! Why are my nipples so swollen?

469
00:19:56,069 --> 00:19:58,864
I don't know, maybe it's
'cause you're thinkin' 'bout your mommy?

470
00:19:58,947 --> 00:19:59,947
Oh, go shut...

471
00:19:59,990 --> 00:20:01,617
- Whoa, sick tits, Nick!
- What?

472
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:04,703
- Your shirt looks like a wedding tent.
- He probably wants me to suck 'em.

473
00:20:04,786 --> 00:20:06,538
The fuck? What? No, he does not!

474
00:20:06,622 --> 00:20:07,873
I know what we should do.

475
00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:09,875
Flick... Nick's... nips!

476
00:20:09,958 --> 00:20:11,627
- Ow!
- Super soft!

477
00:20:11,710 --> 00:20:14,463
- Yeah, this is fun!
- Make 'em stop! Make 'em stop!

478
00:20:14,546 --> 00:20:15,547
They don't need to stop!

479
00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:18,133
They're having fun at his expense.
That's what boys do.

480
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,551
Boys are assholes!

481
00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:22,346
Guys, stop!
Why are you being so mean to me?

482
00:20:22,429 --> 00:20:25,015
- He having a really bad day!
- [sobs]

483
00:20:25,098 --> 00:20:26,975
Nick, we were just joking around.

484
00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:28,560
Yeah, you're acting like a chick.

485
00:20:28,644 --> 00:20:31,605
[crying] I am not acting like a chick!

486
00:20:31,688 --> 00:20:33,982
He just a boy with breasts!

487
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,360
Why don't you take a minute,
and we're just gonna...

488
00:20:36,443 --> 00:20:39,821
Keep walking backwards
while you're crying.

489
00:20:40,197 --> 00:20:42,574
- What the hell, Connie?
- Why... Why are you mad at me?

490
00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:45,494
I've never cried in front of my friends,
and only when you show up,

491
00:20:45,577 --> 00:20:47,371
all of a sudden,
I'm crying in front of them!

492
00:20:47,454 --> 00:20:49,081
- It's all right to cry!
- No, it's not!

493
00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:51,541
I thought it was normal!
I do it all the time!

494
00:20:51,625 --> 00:20:53,835
Now I'm humiliated, and...

495
00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:55,295
and my boobs hurt!

496
00:20:55,379 --> 00:20:58,507
Oh, sugar, I'm sorry! But you know what?

497
00:20:58,590 --> 00:20:59,716
For the tatas?

498
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,761
You should try a little cold compress
on your nipples

499
00:21:02,844 --> 00:21:04,638
- and some aloe vera...
- No!

500
00:21:04,721 --> 00:21:05,639
Leave me alone!

501
00:21:05,722 --> 00:21:09,601
I was right, a... a boy shouldn't have
a girl hormone monster...

502
00:21:09,685 --> 00:21:10,852
That's not true!

503
00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:12,980
I've had
some really shitty hormone monsters.

504
00:21:13,063 --> 00:21:16,358
But you, Connie,
or whatever your fucking name is...

505
00:21:16,441 --> 00:21:17,943
- It's Connie.
- You're the worst!

506
00:21:18,026 --> 00:21:20,195
- Fine! You're a little prick!
- What?

507
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:23,448
Why don't you go
and have a sexy-ass Valentime's Day

508
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:26,868
with your momma and your daddy
in a fuckin' three-way.

509
00:21:26,952 --> 00:21:31,456
The extra-small little prick condoms is
up in aisle 14!

510
00:21:31,540 --> 00:21:34,710
- Oh, fuck you!
- No, I'm not your mom!

511
00:21:34,793 --> 00:21:37,421
- I don't wanna fuck my mom!
- You wanna fuck your mom!

512
00:21:37,504 --> 00:21:40,090
And then, you wanna give your daddy a BJ!

513
00:21:40,173 --> 00:21:42,009
[jazz band plays]

514
00:21:42,092 --> 00:21:44,011
[yells, chuckles]

515
00:21:44,094 --> 00:21:45,721
Happy Valentine's Day, Missy.

516
00:21:45,804 --> 00:21:48,181
The princess of my heart... [sneezes]

517
00:21:48,265 --> 00:21:50,058
Hold on, I sneeze in threes. [sneezes]

518
00:21:50,142 --> 00:21:51,643
- One more. [sneezes]
- [Lars] Hey,

519
00:21:51,727 --> 00:21:53,729
you might be allergic
to those drug store flowers.

520
00:21:53,812 --> 00:21:55,605
For your information, Lars,

521
00:21:55,689 --> 00:21:57,649
I am allergic to my own hat.

522
00:21:57,733 --> 00:22:00,819
Oof, Andrew, this is, uh...
this is really... a lot.

523
00:22:00,902 --> 00:22:03,172
- You don't like it?
- Well, it's just... Okay, first of all,

524
00:22:03,196 --> 00:22:05,866
- I can't really eat these chocolates.
- She doesn't do sugar, man.

525
00:22:05,949 --> 00:22:08,035
You think I don't know that, Professor X?

526
00:22:08,118 --> 00:22:08,952
- [Missy] Andrew!
- Missy,

527
00:22:09,036 --> 00:22:10,596
I'm the one that knows things about you.

528
00:22:10,620 --> 00:22:11,747
All right, just calm down.

529
00:22:11,830 --> 00:22:13,590
No, I'm not gonna,
'cause this is ridiculous.

530
00:22:13,665 --> 00:22:15,042
- Yeah!
- I know you like me, okay?

531
00:22:15,125 --> 00:22:15,959
Of course.

532
00:22:16,043 --> 00:22:17,919
So why don't you know
that you like me?

533
00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:20,172
- Raise the stakes!
- I will go down on you!

534
00:22:20,255 --> 00:22:21,089
Yes, all in!

535
00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:22,424
What? I don't want that!

536
00:22:22,507 --> 00:22:24,468
I didn't mean it literally.

537
00:22:24,551 --> 00:22:27,387
I meant, that's how devoted I am to you.

538
00:22:27,471 --> 00:22:29,848
Don't you see? That's how much I like you!

539
00:22:29,931 --> 00:22:31,767
Aah, Andrew! You're freaking me out!

540
00:22:31,850 --> 00:22:33,435
What does she even want from you?

541
00:22:33,518 --> 00:22:35,604
- What do you want, huh? You want money?
- Perfect!

542
00:22:35,687 --> 00:22:37,814
- No!
- You want cold hard cash?

543
00:22:37,898 --> 00:22:40,067
- Yeah, fling it at her!
- The almighty dollar.

544
00:22:40,150 --> 00:22:41,590
You think I give a shit about money?

545
00:22:41,651 --> 00:22:42,986
- Take it!
- You don't care, baby.

546
00:22:43,070 --> 00:22:45,781
- Take it if that's what you want.
- Just... Just stop it!

547
00:22:45,864 --> 00:22:47,324
- Missy! No, Missy!
- [Missy sobs]

548
00:22:47,407 --> 00:22:48,950
You cannot run from destiny!

549
00:22:49,493 --> 00:22:50,994
Whoa. What happened there, cowboy?

550
00:22:51,078 --> 00:22:51,995
He offered her money,

551
00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:54,122
and love isn't supposed
to be transactional.

552
00:22:54,206 --> 00:22:56,375
- Shut the fuck up, Caleb!
- Okay.

553
00:22:56,458 --> 00:22:57,626
[dog barking in distance]

554
00:22:57,876 --> 00:23:00,170
Bye, Judd. We're leaving
for our dinner date with Nicky!

555
00:23:00,253 --> 00:23:02,631
- It's not a date!
- [Diane] Then why did I shave my legs?

556
00:23:02,714 --> 00:23:04,394
[Elliot] And why am I sucking
on an Altoid?

557
00:23:04,466 --> 00:23:07,052
- Because your breath smells like pussy.
- [Elliot] I heard that!

558
00:23:07,135 --> 00:23:08,762
And not yet!

559
00:23:09,096 --> 00:23:12,349
- Ta-da!
- Ah, Jay-Jay, this is so romantic!

560
00:23:12,432 --> 00:23:15,018
Wait until you taste my flambé dessert.

561
00:23:15,102 --> 00:23:16,746
I made it from stuff I found
around the house.

562
00:23:16,770 --> 00:23:19,564
You're so 40 and such a magician.

563
00:23:19,648 --> 00:23:22,901
Come here,
let's make your magic wand disappear.

564
00:23:22,984 --> 00:23:26,238
I mean, that's not how magic works,
but yeah, yeah, yeah, you kinda get it.

565
00:23:26,321 --> 00:23:27,197
[moaning]

566
00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:30,534
[Brad] Oh, I can't believe I'm lifting
with my dick out.

567
00:23:30,617 --> 00:23:33,012
Oh, God, I'm sorry.
Can you excuse me for one moment, please?

568
00:23:33,036 --> 00:23:34,955
[pants, grunts]

569
00:23:38,417 --> 00:23:41,044
- Hey!
- Nice activewear, bro.

570
00:23:41,128 --> 00:23:43,189
- You could kill someone with that body.
- [Jay] Yeah?

571
00:23:43,213 --> 00:23:44,214
Hell, yeah.

572
00:23:44,297 --> 00:23:47,759
Your natural goaty muskmixed
with the metal tang of these kettlebells

573
00:23:47,843 --> 00:23:49,719
is making me loony tunes.

574
00:23:49,803 --> 00:23:52,055
Well, I uh, didn't shower today.

575
00:23:52,139 --> 00:23:54,391
- That's my Valentine's present to you.
- [sniffs]

576
00:23:54,474 --> 00:23:55,684
You spoil me, bro.

577
00:23:55,767 --> 00:23:58,562
Come on, buddy, let's get some reps in.
I'll spot you.

578
00:23:58,645 --> 00:23:59,688
[Jay grunts]

579
00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:03,442
[Suzette] Whoopsie daisy!
My hymen grew back!

580
00:24:03,525 --> 00:24:05,527
Isn't anyone gonna come and pop it?

581
00:24:05,610 --> 00:24:08,822
Uh, Brad, I need like two seconds, okay?
Can you just sit tight for a second?

582
00:24:08,905 --> 00:24:10,657
- Consider me clenched, bro.
- Oh, boy.

583
00:24:10,740 --> 00:24:12,009
- I'm tight like a wallet.
- What?

584
00:24:12,033 --> 00:24:14,536
I'm like a little Velcro wallet,
I'm so tight.

585
00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:16,455
Oh, like the one I got
on vacation last year?

586
00:24:16,538 --> 00:24:17,747
Yeah. Yeah, at Busch Gardens.

587
00:24:17,831 --> 00:24:20,208
Okay, wait a minute, what am I doing?
Uh, I gotta go.

588
00:24:20,625 --> 00:24:23,628
Barbara! For the love of God,
would you hurry up?!

589
00:24:23,712 --> 00:24:24,921
I gotta be home by eight.

590
00:24:25,005 --> 00:24:27,007
The Knicks are playing,
and I wanna watch 'em lose!

591
00:24:27,090 --> 00:24:29,259
- Okay, just calm down.
- What do you want, huh?

592
00:24:29,342 --> 00:24:31,720
You want money?
You want cold hard cash? Huh?

593
00:24:31,803 --> 00:24:33,722
- Come on, Barbara!
- Stop it, Marty!

594
00:24:33,805 --> 00:24:36,433
I will pay you to put your jacket on.

595
00:24:36,516 --> 00:24:38,477
Happy Valentine's Day, sweetie.

596
00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:42,147
- We'll be back in an hour!
- Forty-five minutes!

597
00:24:42,230 --> 00:24:44,483
- [door opens, closes]
- Oh, God. Am I becoming my dad?

598
00:24:44,566 --> 00:24:47,068
Check your balls.
Are they gigantic like his?

599
00:24:47,152 --> 00:24:48,862
- Okay, let's not...
- Because his sack,

600
00:24:48,945 --> 00:24:51,490
it looks like a plastic bag
of frozen turkeys

601
00:24:51,573 --> 00:24:53,366
with a penis head drawn on it.

602
00:24:53,450 --> 00:24:56,912
- Yes, I remember.
- I see it at night when I close my eyes.

603
00:24:56,995 --> 00:24:58,246
[light piano music playing]

604
00:24:59,372 --> 00:25:00,540
[both chuckle]

605
00:25:00,624 --> 00:25:02,959
What can I get for you lovely ladies
this evening?

606
00:25:03,043 --> 00:25:07,339
Yes, I'd like a female-prepared
tempeh steak with truffle sauce.

607
00:25:07,422 --> 00:25:08,507
Oh, yes.

608
00:25:08,590 --> 00:25:11,426
Someone was rooting around
for my truffles this morning.

609
00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:14,012
[vocalizes] <i>♪ Oink oink ♪</i>

610
00:25:14,095 --> 00:25:15,180
[both chuckling]

611
00:25:15,263 --> 00:25:16,973
All right, I'll come back with some water.

612
00:25:17,974 --> 00:25:21,853
So, Nicky, we got you a little something
for Valentine's Day.

613
00:25:21,937 --> 00:25:24,731
No, that's fine.
I... I don't need anything from you guys.

614
00:25:24,814 --> 00:25:26,816
- Oh, come on!
- No, it's really okay.

615
00:25:26,900 --> 00:25:28,902
I've been warming it up for you.
There you go.

616
00:25:28,985 --> 00:25:31,488
Oh, you got me a basketball necklace.

617
00:25:31,571 --> 00:25:34,783
- A basketball locket.
- Come on, honey. Look inside.

618
00:25:34,866 --> 00:25:36,076
Oh, God, okay.

619
00:25:36,159 --> 00:25:37,327
- [Elliot] Huh?
- [Diane] See?

620
00:25:37,410 --> 00:25:39,913
So we can always be close to your heart.

621
00:25:39,996 --> 00:25:41,414
- Aww.
- Ew!

622
00:25:41,498 --> 00:25:42,541
[chuckling]

623
00:25:42,624 --> 00:25:44,960
[Jessi] I can't believe we ended up
in the same restaurant

624
00:25:45,043 --> 00:25:46,628
as my mom and Cantor Dina.

625
00:25:46,711 --> 00:25:50,298
Ugh. I bet Dina rolls her own tampons
and has super dirty feet.

626
00:25:50,382 --> 00:25:52,676
Dude, they're so gross.
She won't wear shoes.

627
00:25:52,759 --> 00:25:55,637
I watched her pick up a scarf
with her bare foot and put it in a drawer.

628
00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:58,723
Ugh! I bet she's, like, so vocal at yoga.

629
00:25:58,807 --> 00:26:01,935
- Yeah, she lets it all out.
- And so loud when she eats your mom out.

630
00:26:02,018 --> 00:26:03,436
- Matthew!
- I'm sorry.

631
00:26:03,520 --> 00:26:05,230
It's upsetting because it's really true.

632
00:26:05,313 --> 00:26:09,109
- I heard them doing it this morning.
- Oh, no! Honey, come here.

633
00:26:09,192 --> 00:26:12,487
- It's so fucked up you had to hear that.
- Thank you so much, Matthew.

634
00:26:12,571 --> 00:26:13,780
I love hanging out with you.

635
00:26:13,863 --> 00:26:16,241
- Jessi, I feel the same way about you.
- You do?

636
00:26:16,324 --> 00:26:18,285
- Let's sing a song about it.
- Okay.

637
00:26:19,035 --> 00:26:22,122
♪ <i>Some boys will bring you flowers</i> ♪

638
00:26:22,455 --> 00:26:24,791
♪ <i>Some will even serenade</i> ♪

639
00:26:25,792 --> 00:26:28,587
♪ <i>But you and me
Will while away the hours</i> ♪

640
00:26:28,670 --> 00:26:31,798
♪ <i>Just a-dishin' and a-throwin' shade</i> ♪

641
00:26:31,881 --> 00:26:35,093
♪ <i>Forever side-by-side
Through snark and snide</i> ♪

642
00:26:35,176 --> 00:26:37,929
♪ <i>I'm stuck to you like glue</i> ♪

643
00:26:38,346 --> 00:26:40,181
♪ <i>So, honey, who needs</i> ♪

644
00:26:40,265 --> 00:26:43,643
- ♪<i> Who needs a boy when I got you?</i> ♪
- [glass shatters]

645
00:26:45,228 --> 00:26:48,356
♪ <i>And I never expect you
To hold me tight</i> ♪

646
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:51,192
♪ <i>And lock me in your lovin' gaze</i> ♪

647
00:26:51,610 --> 00:26:54,738
♪ <i>But I know I'll have
A shoulder to cry on</i> ♪

648
00:26:54,904 --> 00:26:58,491
♪ <i>That is, if I were inclined
To such pathetic displays</i> ♪

649
00:26:58,825 --> 00:27:01,411
♪ <i>Guys may come and guys may go</i> ♪

650
00:27:01,494 --> 00:27:04,497
♪ <i>And we'll size 'em up in half a glance</i> ♪

651
00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:08,043
♪ <i>Say, Maury
These kids got some chemistry</i> ♪

652
00:27:08,126 --> 00:27:10,754
♪ <i>Nope, she'll never get into his pants</i> ♪

653
00:27:10,837 --> 00:27:11,837
Sorry.

654
00:27:11,921 --> 00:27:14,549
♪ <i>Maybe someday we'll find true love</i> ♪

655
00:27:14,633 --> 00:27:17,594
♪ <i>And drift apart like friends will do</i> ♪

656
00:27:17,844 --> 00:27:20,847
<i>- </i>♪<i> But till then</i> ♪
<i>- </i>♪<i> Who needs a boy</i> ♪

657
00:27:20,930 --> 00:27:24,017
♪ <i>Some moron that soon will annoy</i> ♪

658
00:27:24,267 --> 00:27:25,267
♪ <i>I ask ya</i> ♪

659
00:27:25,435 --> 00:27:27,312
♪ <i>Who needs a boy</i> ♪

660
00:27:27,395 --> 00:27:31,107
♪ <i>When I got you?</i> ♪

661
00:27:32,609 --> 00:27:34,653
And I thought you didn't want to sing.

662
00:27:34,736 --> 00:27:37,447
Yeah, I didn't.
You booked a voice double for me.

663
00:27:37,530 --> 00:27:39,783
- I did, didn't I?
- You really get me.

664
00:27:39,866 --> 00:27:42,202
Honestly, and don't crucify me for this,

665
00:27:42,285 --> 00:27:44,954
- but I'm kind of impressed by your mom.
- What? Why?

666
00:27:45,038 --> 00:27:48,041
Well, it's hard enough to question
your sexuality in middle school,

667
00:27:48,124 --> 00:27:50,752
- but to do it in your sixties?
- Uh, my mom is 43.

668
00:27:50,919 --> 00:27:51,795
- Huh.
- Yeah.

669
00:27:51,878 --> 00:27:54,506
Either way, everyone deserves
a chance at love, Jessi.

670
00:27:54,589 --> 00:27:57,550
- Hmm. I guess.
- Even your dried-out old mom.

671
00:27:58,885 --> 00:27:59,719
Ta-da!

672
00:27:59,803 --> 00:28:02,555
[Brad] Jay! I need you to sit on my back
with your bare ass!

673
00:28:02,639 --> 00:28:03,473
[sighs]

674
00:28:03,556 --> 00:28:05,225
Sixty-nine...

675
00:28:05,308 --> 00:28:06,726
- [Suzette] Jay!
- Sixty-nine...

676
00:28:06,810 --> 00:28:10,146
[Suzette] I need you to saw me in half
with your 40-year-old <i>schvantz!</i>

677
00:28:10,230 --> 00:28:11,230
[Jay panting]

678
00:28:11,272 --> 00:28:12,272
[barks]

679
00:28:12,315 --> 00:28:14,984
Fressure! Fressure!
Fressure... Fressure...

680
00:28:15,443 --> 00:28:18,697
Jay is feeling too much pressure.

681
00:28:18,780 --> 00:28:21,116
[Suzette] Ah! Help! Jay, help me!

682
00:28:21,241 --> 00:28:23,076
- Ah! Oh, my God!
- I'm on fire!

683
00:28:23,159 --> 00:28:24,494
- Oh shit!
- The flambé!

684
00:28:24,577 --> 00:28:28,039
- What do I do?
- Put me out with your cum! Obviously!

685
00:28:28,123 --> 00:28:29,624
[grunting]

686
00:28:29,708 --> 00:28:31,584
Oh, no! I'm out of Jay juice!

687
00:28:31,668 --> 00:28:33,169
What the hell's going on in here?

688
00:28:33,253 --> 00:28:35,255
- [Suzette] Ow!
- [grunting]

689
00:28:35,338 --> 00:28:37,173
[Brad] Bro! Ow, bro!

690
00:28:37,257 --> 00:28:38,633
[sobs]

691
00:28:38,717 --> 00:28:41,052
Oh, that's it! I can't do this anymore!

692
00:28:41,136 --> 00:28:43,388
- What are you saying, Jay?
- I've hurt you both,

693
00:28:43,471 --> 00:28:46,516
and even worse, I'm blowin' air wads.
I'm out.

694
00:28:46,599 --> 00:28:49,644
So, you're dumping us on Valentine's Day?

695
00:28:49,728 --> 00:28:51,521
I just think I have to take a break.

696
00:28:51,604 --> 00:28:53,398
- A... A sex break.
- Whoa.

697
00:28:53,481 --> 00:28:54,858
I just need some time alone

698
00:28:54,941 --> 00:28:58,111
to collect my thoughts
and figure out who the fuck I am.

699
00:28:58,194 --> 00:29:02,449
Bro, you expect me to go cold turkey
on that spicy beef jerky?

700
00:29:02,532 --> 00:29:03,408
I'm sorry.

701
00:29:03,491 --> 00:29:05,618
I've got nothing left to jizz.

702
00:29:06,035 --> 00:29:07,954
Damn, Jay is in it!

703
00:29:08,037 --> 00:29:09,581
Love is hard!

704
00:29:09,664 --> 00:29:13,084
Take it from me,
a ladybug raising two stepchildren

705
00:29:13,168 --> 00:29:15,336
'cause my partner up and died!

706
00:29:15,420 --> 00:29:18,631
That's right!
I got stuff going on, too, y'all.

707
00:29:19,215 --> 00:29:20,967
- Hey, Mom.
- Jessi.

708
00:29:21,050 --> 00:29:23,803
- Happy Valentine's Day.
- Oh, yeah, you too.

709
00:29:23,887 --> 00:29:26,598
I'm sorry I've been such a pain in the ass
about you and Dina.

710
00:29:26,681 --> 00:29:29,058
Oh, no, honey. Well...

711
00:29:29,142 --> 00:29:31,019
Because you deserve love, Mom.

712
00:29:31,394 --> 00:29:33,521
Oh, Jessi. You really mean that?

713
00:29:33,605 --> 00:29:34,898
Of course. We all do.

714
00:29:34,981 --> 00:29:36,649
Sweetie, thank you.

715
00:29:36,733 --> 00:29:38,818
You're the best thing I've ever done.

716
00:29:39,277 --> 00:29:41,077
Do you want to invite Matthew over
to join us?

717
00:29:41,112 --> 00:29:42,155
Oh, God, no.

718
00:29:42,238 --> 00:29:45,200
Nobody wants to have dinner
with their parents on Valentine's Day.

719
00:29:45,283 --> 00:29:47,827
- So, Nicky, where's your card for Mom?
- I didn't get her one.

720
00:29:47,911 --> 00:29:48,912
- Oh.
- Why not?

721
00:29:48,995 --> 00:29:50,538
Because she's not my Valentine.

722
00:29:50,622 --> 00:29:51,790
And I'm not gonna...

723
00:29:52,081 --> 00:29:55,210
have sex with her and kill you
and stab my eyes out!

724
00:29:55,293 --> 00:29:56,533
- [shatters]
- I'm just gonna...

725
00:29:56,586 --> 00:29:59,506
Nicky, while we are thrilled
that you're reading the Greek classics...

726
00:29:59,589 --> 00:30:01,549
it's wonderful...
your tone is unacceptable.

727
00:30:01,633 --> 00:30:03,885
You know what, Elliot?
My tone can suck a dick.

728
00:30:03,968 --> 00:30:06,679
- Oh, God, I'm having Judd flashbacks.
- Feels more like Leah to me.

729
00:30:06,763 --> 00:30:07,889
I'm not Leah!

730
00:30:07,972 --> 00:30:09,849
I just meant
because of your budding breasts!

731
00:30:09,933 --> 00:30:11,518
And how overly sensitive you are.

732
00:30:11,601 --> 00:30:14,103
I'm not sensitive!
I just hate your love!

733
00:30:14,187 --> 00:30:16,189
And I'm not gonna take it anymore!

734
00:30:16,272 --> 00:30:17,982
Wow, a lot of feelings.

735
00:30:18,066 --> 00:30:20,610
- Stop being understanding!
- Mm-hmm. I'm here.

736
00:30:20,693 --> 00:30:22,987
- Go fuck yourself, Diane!
- [Diane gasps]

737
00:30:23,071 --> 00:30:26,282
- I hate Valentine's Day!
- Hey, I hate Valentine's Day, too.

738
00:30:26,366 --> 00:30:27,784
And you know what? I hate you!

739
00:30:27,867 --> 00:30:30,745
I'm sick of carrying you around!
I want the surgery!

740
00:30:30,829 --> 00:30:32,997
And I want to stop jacking each other off!

741
00:30:33,081 --> 00:30:34,958
Can we still get the chocolate lava cake?

742
00:30:35,041 --> 00:30:37,669
And this whole prix fixe menu is a scam!

743
00:30:37,752 --> 00:30:41,339
Who orders dessert at the beginning
of a meal, like a serial killer?

744
00:30:41,422 --> 00:30:44,217
- I hate all of you! I spit in your food!
- [indistinct angry chatter]

745
00:30:44,300 --> 00:30:46,010
Even the ones I like. It's a disorder.

746
00:30:46,094 --> 00:30:47,804
I can't stop! My God, I can't stop!

747
00:30:47,887 --> 00:30:50,932
And now I love Valentine's Day?

748
00:30:51,015 --> 00:30:52,015
[grumbles]

749
00:30:53,685 --> 00:30:55,812
Something on your mind, Connie?

750
00:30:55,895 --> 00:30:58,773
Mm, it's been a hell
of a Valentime'sDay, Duke.

751
00:30:58,857 --> 00:31:00,149
I hear that.

752
00:31:00,900 --> 00:31:03,611
<i>♪ I was his monstress ♪</i>

753
00:31:05,405 --> 00:31:07,657
<i>♪ And he was my whole world ♪</i>

754
00:31:10,285 --> 00:31:13,329
<i>♪ Oh, such a sweet boy ♪</i>

755
00:31:14,539 --> 00:31:17,542
<i>♪ With the tits of a girl ♪</i>

756
00:31:19,627 --> 00:31:22,255
<i>♪ Love isn't easy ♪</i>

757
00:31:24,299 --> 00:31:26,467
<i>♪ It's painful and cruel ♪</i>

758
00:31:28,553 --> 00:31:32,181
<i>♪ It makes you look like an asshole ♪</i>

759
00:31:33,057 --> 00:31:35,894
<i>♪ When you're trying to be cool ♪</i>

760
00:31:38,897 --> 00:31:39,897
[sighs]

761
00:31:40,732 --> 00:31:46,571
<i>♪ He's going through changes ♪</i>

762
00:31:47,488 --> 00:31:48,907
Are you sure about this, bro?

763
00:31:49,198 --> 00:31:50,033
No.

764
00:31:50,116 --> 00:31:56,080
<i>♪ They're going through changes ♪</i>

765
00:31:57,040 --> 00:31:59,208
Abra-cum-dabra.

766
00:31:59,292 --> 00:32:05,131
<i>♪ Everybody's going through changes ♪</i>

767
00:32:06,382 --> 00:32:07,717
<i>♪ In their life ♪</i>

768
00:32:07,926 --> 00:32:09,677
[long beep]

769
00:32:12,180 --> 00:32:15,767
<i>♪ Ooh ♪</i>

770
00:32:20,188 --> 00:32:21,898
Ooh, Duke, that's a sad song.

771
00:32:21,981 --> 00:32:24,859
- Well, love is a sad business, Connie.
- Hmm.

772
00:32:24,943 --> 00:32:28,571
- But it sure is profitable.
- Truer words were never spoken.

773
00:32:28,655 --> 00:32:31,407
And now for the third act, sponsored by...

774
00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:32,825
Oedipal Arrangements.

775
00:32:32,909 --> 00:32:35,912
Your mother wants to sleep with you,
so give her some fruit!

776
00:32:35,995 --> 00:32:37,372
[laughs]

777
00:32:38,706 --> 00:32:40,833
I'm actually excited to go to Lola's.

778
00:32:40,917 --> 00:32:43,211
Ugh, and bring
that poor blonde monster something to eat.

779
00:32:43,294 --> 00:32:45,380
Ooh, look, they have canned bread.

780
00:32:45,463 --> 00:32:47,423
Gross. Okay, I'm gonna get her a card.

781
00:32:47,507 --> 00:32:50,218
Ew! This is just called "Breakfast Sauce."

782
00:32:50,301 --> 00:32:54,055
There's no rule that says you can't have
Breakfast Sauce for night lunch.

783
00:32:54,138 --> 00:32:56,307
- Coach Steve?
- Welcome to Walgreens!

784
00:32:56,391 --> 00:33:00,395
Jessi, my friend who's a child girl,
meet Reese's Werther's-Spoons,

785
00:33:00,478 --> 00:33:02,313
my girlfriend who is things.

786
00:33:02,397 --> 00:33:04,732
- [female voice] <i>I love you.</i>
- Oh, Coach Steve,

787
00:33:04,816 --> 00:33:06,442
- you deserve love, too.
- Thanks!

788
00:33:06,526 --> 00:33:09,112
Even if it is coming
from a collection of...

789
00:33:09,195 --> 00:33:11,948
- I guess, pharmacy garbage?
- Oh, my sweet Reese's,

790
00:33:12,031 --> 00:33:15,034
I wish people could see you
the way that I see you.

791
00:33:15,118 --> 00:33:17,036
I love you so much, Steve.

792
00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:19,247
But you know what happens at midnight.

793
00:33:19,330 --> 00:33:22,583
- My goldfish brain starts over?
- Exactly.

794
00:33:22,917 --> 00:33:26,504
Oh, my God, Michael Shannon
has his own line of Valentine's cards?

795
00:33:26,587 --> 00:33:29,227
[Michael Shannon's voice]
<i>I love you with all the veins in my head.</i>

796
00:33:29,298 --> 00:33:30,675
[heavy breathing]

797
00:33:30,758 --> 00:33:32,051
Oh, it's still breathing.

798
00:33:32,135 --> 00:33:34,220
- That's terrifying.
- I know.

799
00:33:34,303 --> 00:33:36,806
I'm gonna get this for Chloe.
She would love it.

800
00:33:36,889 --> 00:33:39,267
Oh, is Chloe your girlfriend?

801
00:33:39,350 --> 00:33:40,393
That's what I tell my dad.

802
00:33:40,476 --> 00:33:42,603
Holy shit, uh, I think we've got one.

803
00:33:42,687 --> 00:33:44,748
- Are you sure?
- I don't know. Keep him on the line!

804
00:33:44,772 --> 00:33:46,816
Uh, I have a Chloe. Her name is Jessi.

805
00:33:46,899 --> 00:33:48,317
- Is she funny?
- Of course.

806
00:33:48,401 --> 00:33:49,485
- Is she cute?
- Who cares?

807
00:33:49,569 --> 00:33:51,863
- Exactly!
- Whoa! We definitely got one!

808
00:33:51,946 --> 00:33:54,699
Do something! Grab his arm, hard!
Kiss him on the mouth!

809
00:33:54,782 --> 00:33:56,451
Bang your teeth into his teeth!

810
00:33:56,534 --> 00:33:58,995
- Uh, what's your Insta handle?
- "Pootin on the Ritz."

811
00:33:59,120 --> 00:34:01,164
Does he like Russia?
Or does he like crackers?

812
00:34:01,247 --> 00:34:03,583
- Requested... Aiden.
- I'll follow you back...?

813
00:34:03,666 --> 00:34:04,959
- Matthew.
- Matthew.

814
00:34:05,084 --> 00:34:06,252
- Okay.
- Okay.

815
00:34:06,335 --> 00:34:07,962
- Bye!
- [both, harmonizing] Byeee!

816
00:34:08,046 --> 00:34:09,964
Whoa,
you guys are making beautiful music.

817
00:34:10,048 --> 00:34:12,633
- Oh, my God, it's never done this before.
- Really?

818
00:34:12,717 --> 00:34:16,429
Well, sometimes I wake up like this,
but then I just tuck it into my headband.

819
00:34:16,554 --> 00:34:18,181
[grunts] See? No one can tell.

820
00:34:18,264 --> 00:34:20,892
Okay, I was in church choir
in fifth grade...

821
00:34:20,975 --> 00:34:23,061
- Wait, I... I wasn't there.
- So, listen.

822
00:34:23,144 --> 00:34:24,145
Okay.

823
00:34:24,228 --> 00:34:26,939
There was this seventh grade boy,
Austin Joseph.

824
00:34:27,023 --> 00:34:30,318
- Why don't I remember this?
- Because you weren't there yet, Maury!

825
00:34:30,401 --> 00:34:33,488
- Let me tell my story!
- But they're interviewing the both of us.

826
00:34:33,571 --> 00:34:35,782
Ugh. And this boy, Austin,

827
00:34:35,865 --> 00:34:38,701
I just knew I wanted to be, like...

828
00:34:38,785 --> 00:34:40,870
- close to him.
- Who... Who is it?

829
00:34:40,953 --> 00:34:42,789
A year later, we're driving to regionals...

830
00:34:42,872 --> 00:34:46,751
- Oh! Austin Joseph is AJ!
- Right?

831
00:34:46,834 --> 00:34:50,171
- I remember <i>that</i> drive. Oh, man.
- [chuckles]

832
00:34:50,254 --> 00:34:53,192
- Yes, we're in the back seat of the car...
- You were sitting in the middle.

833
00:34:53,216 --> 00:34:55,426
- And our legs kept touching.
- Thigh to thigh.

834
00:34:55,510 --> 00:34:56,719
And my ears were hot.

835
00:34:56,803 --> 00:34:59,680
And then, I told you,
"Ooh, let's buy him something."

836
00:34:59,764 --> 00:35:02,266
I got him a sample bottle
of Curve cologne.

837
00:35:02,350 --> 00:35:03,935
And then he tried to hit you.

838
00:35:04,018 --> 00:35:07,188
So I sprayed that Curve cologne
right in that closet case's eyes,

839
00:35:07,271 --> 00:35:08,271
and I ran away!

840
00:35:08,314 --> 00:35:10,114
Matthew's faster
than you think he's gonna be.

841
00:35:10,149 --> 00:35:12,318
And I've been keeping this one
at home ever since.

842
00:35:12,401 --> 00:35:15,571
- Not anymore.
- Um, we'll see.

843
00:35:15,655 --> 00:35:17,532
- Yeah, we will see.
- I guess.

844
00:35:17,615 --> 00:35:19,200
- [chuckles]
- Shut the fuck up!

845
00:35:19,659 --> 00:35:21,494
I like him more than the others.

846
00:35:21,744 --> 00:35:24,205
Oh, hey, Nicky.
What happened to dinner with Mom and Dad?

847
00:35:24,288 --> 00:35:27,792
I told them I hated their love
and then ran out of the restaurant.

848
00:35:27,875 --> 00:35:29,752
- Oh, good for you. It's about time.
- Really?

849
00:35:29,836 --> 00:35:32,588
Yeah. Mom and Dad are great,
but they're also the worst.

850
00:35:32,672 --> 00:35:34,257
But they love us so much...

851
00:35:34,340 --> 00:35:37,677
Whatever. You're becoming
your own person, and it's rad.

852
00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:41,055
You're just growing up.
Like your whole, hmm, nipple situation.

853
00:35:41,139 --> 00:35:42,598
I know! What do I do?

854
00:35:42,682 --> 00:35:45,309
They're so sensitive!
And I'm so sensitive!

855
00:35:45,393 --> 00:35:47,812
It's not a bad thing
to be a sensitive guy.

856
00:35:47,937 --> 00:35:49,647
- You should embrace that.
- I should?

857
00:35:49,730 --> 00:35:52,650
Yeah, just be careful
with your sensitive nipples.

858
00:35:52,733 --> 00:35:54,861
- Leah!
- Oh, you tender little bitch.

859
00:35:54,944 --> 00:35:57,321
Just get a cold compress
and some aloe vera.

860
00:35:57,405 --> 00:35:58,739
Wait a minute, aloe vera?

861
00:35:58,823 --> 00:36:01,742
[in Connie's voice] Yeah, aloe vera!

862
00:36:01,826 --> 00:36:02,743
- What?
- [normal voice] What?

863
00:36:02,827 --> 00:36:06,664
- I gotta go. I gotta go find Connie!
- What? Connie? Who's Connie?

864
00:36:06,747 --> 00:36:09,458
- She helped me cum!
- [Leah] Oh, okay.

865
00:36:10,376 --> 00:36:12,003
I gotta devastate Devin.

866
00:36:12,128 --> 00:36:14,714
I gotta find another brother
to jack me off.

867
00:36:15,214 --> 00:36:18,259
I gotta go apologize to Missy. [grunts]

868
00:36:19,260 --> 00:36:21,179
No! Oh, my God, did that just go in?

869
00:36:21,262 --> 00:36:22,889
Did you guys see that? It went in!

870
00:36:22,972 --> 00:36:25,266
I have never made a shot
on the show before!

871
00:36:25,391 --> 00:36:27,476
Go back and watch!
I mean, finish the special first,

872
00:36:27,560 --> 00:36:28,644
but then go back and watch!

873
00:36:28,728 --> 00:36:31,272
Holy shit, it went in.

874
00:36:31,355 --> 00:36:33,774
All right!

875
00:36:33,900 --> 00:36:34,900
Two points!

876
00:36:35,318 --> 00:36:37,278
Boy, Nicky really let us have it,
didn't he?

877
00:36:37,361 --> 00:36:38,863
I think our little baby's growing up.

878
00:36:38,946 --> 00:36:40,948
- And becoming an asshole.
- A little bit.

879
00:36:41,115 --> 00:36:43,117
- It happens to all of 'em.
- They're the best,

880
00:36:43,201 --> 00:36:44,702
but they're also the worst.

881
00:36:44,785 --> 00:36:48,080
Now, let's go upstairs
and give your breath its signature scent.

882
00:36:48,164 --> 00:36:49,164
[both moan]

883
00:36:49,373 --> 00:36:54,045
I for one am enjoying how much
cunnilingus is happening on this show!

884
00:36:54,170 --> 00:36:59,383
If everyone ate just a little more pussy,
the world would be a better place, baby!

885
00:36:59,467 --> 00:37:02,428
Ladybug 2020, y'all! No running mate!

886
00:37:02,511 --> 00:37:05,014
[smooching continues]

887
00:37:05,097 --> 00:37:06,182
[raccoon chitters]

888
00:37:07,934 --> 00:37:09,018
Cool raccoons.

889
00:37:09,101 --> 00:37:10,937
I originally trained them
to kill my brother,

890
00:37:11,020 --> 00:37:13,856
but they also cater small events
featuring farm-to-table cuisine.

891
00:37:13,940 --> 00:37:14,940
Sweet.

892
00:37:15,066 --> 00:37:18,253
- [in raccoon language] She seems nice.
- Yeah, I think she's really good for him.

893
00:37:18,277 --> 00:37:20,037
Hey, you gonna eat
that discarded yogurt top?

894
00:37:20,071 --> 00:37:21,656
No, no, go for it.

895
00:37:21,739 --> 00:37:23,699
Hold on... are we falling in love?

896
00:37:24,075 --> 00:37:25,243
[glass shatters]

897
00:37:27,203 --> 00:37:28,955
Dinner is served.

898
00:37:29,288 --> 00:37:30,728
You know, I never bought a computer?

899
00:37:30,790 --> 00:37:33,251
Didn't believe in it. No regrets.
[chuckles]

900
00:37:33,334 --> 00:37:34,502
♪ <i>Who the hell</i> ♪

901
00:37:34,585 --> 00:37:36,754
♪ <i>Invited Burt Reynolds?</i> ♪

902
00:37:36,837 --> 00:37:38,714
[jazz band playing]

903
00:37:39,674 --> 00:37:42,677
Hey, guys! Oh, my God, Breakfast Sauce?!

904
00:37:42,760 --> 00:37:43,760
Yes, please!

905
00:37:43,803 --> 00:37:46,097
I'mma glug this down right now.

906
00:37:46,180 --> 00:37:48,557
Puncture! Puncture!
Glug, glug, glug...

907
00:37:48,641 --> 00:37:50,893
Lola, I think that's just supposed
to be a topping.

908
00:37:50,977 --> 00:37:53,646
Jessi, let the girl glug.
I'm filming this.

909
00:37:53,729 --> 00:37:55,773
Oh, my God, am I gonna be, like, a star?

910
00:37:55,856 --> 00:37:58,025
- [tapping on glass]
- Excuse me, everybody. Excuse me.

911
00:37:58,109 --> 00:38:00,486
[chuckles] Phones out.
Yeah, it's that kind of moment.

912
00:38:00,820 --> 00:38:03,239
Devin, my dearest, will you...

913
00:38:03,322 --> 00:38:04,156
[groans]

914
00:38:04,240 --> 00:38:07,576
...make me the happiest
middle school student in the world?

915
00:38:07,660 --> 00:38:10,705
Oh, my God! A million times yes!

916
00:38:10,788 --> 00:38:13,833
I am so devastated!

917
00:38:13,916 --> 00:38:14,917
[bell rings]

918
00:38:15,001 --> 00:38:16,127
- Oh, my God.
- Holy shit.

919
00:38:16,210 --> 00:38:17,545
- Is this for real?
- People,

920
00:38:17,628 --> 00:38:19,755
<i>that's</i> how you bring it
for Valentine's Day.

921
00:38:19,839 --> 00:38:20,756
Suck it, Lola.

922
00:38:20,840 --> 00:38:25,594
Always a child bridesmaid
and never a child bride!

923
00:38:25,678 --> 00:38:27,596
[sadly] Glug, glug, glug!

924
00:38:27,680 --> 00:38:30,141
- This night is the best.
- Mmm.

925
00:38:30,224 --> 00:38:31,851
Ah, I get it, Maury.

926
00:38:31,934 --> 00:38:34,937
Sometimes it's nice
to just have a good friend.

927
00:38:35,021 --> 00:38:37,940
Yeah, but other times it's better
to have a good friend with benefits.

928
00:38:38,024 --> 00:38:40,860
- Hmm?
- Connie, will you be my valentine?

929
00:38:40,943 --> 00:38:44,655
Oh, Maury, that thing is covered
with genital warts!

930
00:38:44,739 --> 00:38:46,449
What? Oh, fuck me.

931
00:38:46,532 --> 00:38:47,867
I thought those were hearts.

932
00:38:47,950 --> 00:38:49,827
Baby, you gotta wear your glasses!

933
00:38:49,910 --> 00:38:51,763
- Nah, they make me look old!
- [glass shatters]

934
00:38:51,787 --> 00:38:55,750
No, Maurice,
they make you look distinguished.

935
00:38:55,833 --> 00:38:56,709
- They do?
- Mm.

936
00:38:56,792 --> 00:38:58,252
[purrs, growls]

937
00:38:58,336 --> 00:39:01,714
[both growling, snarling]

938
00:39:01,797 --> 00:39:02,797
[panting]

939
00:39:03,174 --> 00:39:05,384
[grunts] Oh, shit!

940
00:39:05,468 --> 00:39:08,304
Now I'm gonna have a cold wet tush. Ugh.

941
00:39:09,180 --> 00:39:10,514
Oh...

942
00:39:10,598 --> 00:39:13,059
Most of all, thank you to my lover,

943
00:39:13,142 --> 00:39:16,687
my manager,
and the cool cat in the porkpie hat!

944
00:39:16,771 --> 00:39:18,230
Thank you. This is overwhelming.

945
00:39:18,314 --> 00:39:20,483
And I'd like to say to a special someone
out there...

946
00:39:20,566 --> 00:39:22,234
Drink my piss, Andrew Glouberman.

947
00:39:22,735 --> 00:39:24,612
[quick athletic grunts] Ta-da.

948
00:39:25,071 --> 00:39:27,406
Rage, rage, fucking rage!

949
00:39:27,490 --> 00:39:29,825
I couldn't have put it better myself!

950
00:39:30,701 --> 00:39:33,412
- Oh, h-hey, Gina. H-how's it going?
- Really great.

951
00:39:33,496 --> 00:39:36,415
It seems that somehow Lola
is my valentine this year?

952
00:39:36,499 --> 00:39:39,168
- Ouch.
- And my ex-boyfriend just got engaged.

953
00:39:39,251 --> 00:39:40,127
- Devon?
- Yup.

954
00:39:40,211 --> 00:39:42,713
- That's very strange.
- It really is.

955
00:39:42,797 --> 00:39:45,633
Well, for what it's worth,
happy Valentine's Day, Gina.

956
00:39:45,716 --> 00:39:47,760
You know, for what it's worth,
thanks, Nick.

957
00:39:47,843 --> 00:39:50,388
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have to go see about a monster.

958
00:39:50,471 --> 00:39:52,223
Oh, right. Lola is in the kitchen.

959
00:39:53,140 --> 00:39:55,142
Whoa, pull over, stud.

960
00:39:55,267 --> 00:39:56,852
You got a license for that ass?

961
00:39:56,936 --> 00:40:00,064
[sighs deeply] You know,
normally, I'd take you into the guest bath

962
00:40:00,147 --> 00:40:02,483
and just double your weight,

963
00:40:02,566 --> 00:40:06,570
but I'm kinda taking a break
from sex right now.

964
00:40:06,654 --> 00:40:08,531
Who said anything about sex?

965
00:40:08,614 --> 00:40:12,243
I want you to stand against the wall nude
while I eat Three Musketeers.

966
00:40:12,326 --> 00:40:13,661
- Uh...
- Do it, bitch.

967
00:40:13,744 --> 00:40:15,204
You know, I better not.

968
00:40:15,329 --> 00:40:20,709
But, hey, listen, I hope you find
someone as special as you are.

969
00:40:20,793 --> 00:40:22,169
Eat shit, prude!

970
00:40:22,253 --> 00:40:24,130
You know what? That's totally fair.

971
00:40:24,213 --> 00:40:26,507
Where is she? Is she even here?

972
00:40:27,425 --> 00:40:29,135
Oh, Connie! There you are!

973
00:40:29,218 --> 00:40:30,344
What do you want?

974
00:40:30,428 --> 00:40:33,472
Look, I... I've been thinking a lot
about you and me, and...

975
00:40:33,556 --> 00:40:35,182
I'm just not gonna fight it anymore.

976
00:40:35,266 --> 00:40:36,350
- Really?
- Really!

977
00:40:36,434 --> 00:40:39,645
I don't know why I pushed you away,
I guess...

978
00:40:40,354 --> 00:40:41,897
[sighs] I guess I was just...

979
00:40:42,189 --> 00:40:43,189
scared.

980
00:40:43,232 --> 00:40:48,028
But, Connie, I love how you take care
of me and my tender nipples.

981
00:40:48,571 --> 00:40:49,947
I love how... [chuckles]

982
00:40:50,239 --> 00:40:52,867
I love how you inspire me to jack off!

983
00:40:52,950 --> 00:40:55,911
I love how your hair, it's like hands.

984
00:40:55,995 --> 00:40:57,538
I love everything about you.

985
00:40:57,621 --> 00:41:00,916
Because, Connie, you are the one for me.

986
00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:03,127
You're <i>my</i> Hormone Monstress.

987
00:41:03,294 --> 00:41:05,671
That is, of course, if...
if you'll have me.

988
00:41:05,754 --> 00:41:07,214
- Shh, shh, shut up.
- Connie?

989
00:41:07,298 --> 00:41:09,008
Shut the fuck up. [sniffles]

990
00:41:09,133 --> 00:41:11,635
- 'Cause you had me at tender nipples.
- Come here.

991
00:41:11,719 --> 00:41:14,472
You would have been so proud
of how I yelled at my mom and dad.

992
00:41:14,555 --> 00:41:17,183
Oh, honey! I was there.
I'll always be there.

993
00:41:17,266 --> 00:41:18,350
- Really?
- Yes.

994
00:41:18,434 --> 00:41:20,519
I'm your motherfucking Hormone Monstress.

995
00:41:20,603 --> 00:41:21,479
You know what, Connie?

996
00:41:21,562 --> 00:41:23,981
I think this is the beginning
of a beautiful friendship.

997
00:41:24,064 --> 00:41:25,816
Happy Valentime'sDay, kid.

998
00:41:25,941 --> 00:41:27,735
Happy Valentime'sDay, Connie.

999
00:41:28,152 --> 00:41:29,487
Well, well, well!

1000
00:41:29,570 --> 00:41:33,532
Hey, Lars, why don't you do me a favor
and get lost, you motorized nobody.

1001
00:41:33,616 --> 00:41:37,203
- Yeah, <i>you </i>drink piss!
- Andrew, stop talking to him like that!

1002
00:41:37,286 --> 00:41:38,287
- It's okay.
- Missy,

1003
00:41:38,370 --> 00:41:39,872
can't you see what's going on here?

1004
00:41:39,955 --> 00:41:41,999
He's trying to steal you from me.

1005
00:41:42,082 --> 00:41:45,878
- I'm not yours. I don't belong to anyone.
- And Missy and I are just friends.

1006
00:41:45,961 --> 00:41:48,005
Oh, please, do not believe him.

1007
00:41:48,088 --> 00:41:50,674
- He's just manipulating you.
- Yeah, he's a little rat liar!

1008
00:41:50,758 --> 00:41:53,052
Look at him sitting there.
I bet he can walk!

1009
00:41:53,135 --> 00:41:56,055
Andrew, again,
he's not lying about the chair.

1010
00:41:56,138 --> 00:41:58,599
That's right, everyone!
He can walk, I think!

1011
00:41:58,682 --> 00:42:00,809
- Please don't do this, Andrew.
- Come on, Tiny Tim...

1012
00:42:00,893 --> 00:42:03,354
- Andrew!
- Time to make your fucking debut!

1013
00:42:03,437 --> 00:42:04,917
- Get up, you liar.
- Andrew, stop it.

1014
00:42:04,980 --> 00:42:06,291
- What are you doing?
- Oh, my God.

1015
00:42:06,315 --> 00:42:07,650
Jesus Christ, this thing's heavy!

1016
00:42:07,733 --> 00:42:10,736
You know what? Fuck it.
Ride or die, brother! Grab his wrists!

1017
00:42:10,819 --> 00:42:14,573
- [Lars] No, please stop.
- Andrew, stop it. Just let go of him!

1018
00:42:14,657 --> 00:42:17,159
There's a seat belt. Get the seat belt.

1019
00:42:17,243 --> 00:42:19,078
- No, stop it!
- [Andrew and Lars grunt]

1020
00:42:19,161 --> 00:42:20,955
- [crowd gasps]
- Oh, my goodness! Lars!

1021
00:42:21,038 --> 00:42:22,831
Holy moly, are you okay?!

1022
00:42:22,915 --> 00:42:24,917
Jeez Louise, the optics on this.

1023
00:42:25,000 --> 00:42:27,002
Shit, his legs didn't even buckle.

1024
00:42:27,086 --> 00:42:29,880
Maury, I don't think this guy can walk.
Unless he's faking!

1025
00:42:29,964 --> 00:42:31,340
- 'Cause you're a fake!
- Stop!

1026
00:42:31,423 --> 00:42:34,969
- You just... You were logical for a second.
- This TV is fake too! [grunts]

1027
00:42:35,052 --> 00:42:36,178
- [crowd gasps]
- Whoa.

1028
00:42:36,262 --> 00:42:38,556
Oh, my God. Last time I was here,
it was fake. I swear.

1029
00:42:38,639 --> 00:42:40,015
Andrew! You sweaty turd!

1030
00:42:40,099 --> 00:42:42,434
I'm conflicted 'cause you broke my TV!

1031
00:42:42,518 --> 00:42:44,562
But, as I have previously mentioned,

1032
00:42:44,645 --> 00:42:46,564
I'm all about the drama!

1033
00:42:46,647 --> 00:42:49,608
- I think you should go, Andrew.
- Yeah, you weren't even invited.

1034
00:42:49,692 --> 00:42:51,836
- You're ruining Valentine's Day, Andrew!
- Just get out!

1035
00:42:51,860 --> 00:42:55,072
No, this is crazy! Missy, get your coat,
we're fuckin' going home.

1036
00:42:55,155 --> 00:42:57,366
- You like me.
- Not anymore.

1037
00:42:57,449 --> 00:42:59,201
- [gasps]
- I hate you!

1038
00:42:59,285 --> 00:43:01,954
- And I hate this stupid hat.
- Lola, no, no, no!

1039
00:43:02,037 --> 00:43:03,872
The hat is stuck to my scalp blisters.

1040
00:43:03,956 --> 00:43:05,100
- [fabric ripping]
- You suck!

1041
00:43:05,124 --> 00:43:06,375
- Ow!
- [crowd gasps]

1042
00:43:06,458 --> 00:43:07,751
[chuckles]

1043
00:43:07,835 --> 00:43:09,253
You're, like, bald!

1044
00:43:09,336 --> 00:43:11,130
Oh, God, you look just like your dad!

1045
00:43:11,213 --> 00:43:13,382
No! No, it can't be! Bring me a mirror!

1046
00:43:13,465 --> 00:43:16,385
Happy Valentine's Day, you bald bitch!

1047
00:43:16,468 --> 00:43:18,887
Oh, it's shocking! And it makes sense.

1048
00:43:18,971 --> 00:43:20,180
[Lola grunts]

1049
00:43:20,264 --> 00:43:21,264
[whimpers]

1050
00:43:21,307 --> 00:43:22,725
[panting]

1051
00:43:23,058 --> 00:43:25,060
- [both scream]
- [thunderclap]

1052
00:43:25,144 --> 00:43:27,438
[Andrew yells, murmurs]

1053
00:43:29,064 --> 00:43:29,898
- You!
- Yeah!

1054
00:43:29,982 --> 00:43:32,127
- [Andrew] Come here, you motherfucker!
- Yeah, get him!

1055
00:43:32,151 --> 00:43:33,319
[whimpers]

1056
00:43:33,402 --> 00:43:34,903
Why did he go after the mailbox?

1057
00:43:35,529 --> 00:43:37,615
- [Andrew farts]
- Oh, Andrew, you farted!

1058
00:43:37,698 --> 00:43:40,159
- Oh, and they're all filming!
- [Andrew] No!

1059
00:43:40,534 --> 00:43:42,536
Oh, what have I done?!

1060
00:43:43,037 --> 00:43:45,831
- Missy!
- Missy!

1061
00:43:45,914 --> 00:43:46,749
Jesus!

1062
00:43:46,832 --> 00:43:50,044
That is some weird-ass
toxic max-sculinity.

1063
00:43:50,294 --> 00:43:52,463
Okay, well, the first time we met...

1064
00:43:52,546 --> 00:43:54,632
- Okay, she was with my friend, Jessi.
- Mm-hmm.

1065
00:43:54,715 --> 00:43:58,552
And honestly, it didn't even cross my mind
that she was a possibility.

1066
00:43:58,636 --> 00:44:01,555
Oh, yeah. Well, sweetheart, trust me,
I wasn't looking at you either.

1067
00:44:01,639 --> 00:44:03,015
- Oh, look...
- [chuckles]

1068
00:44:03,098 --> 00:44:05,351
However it happened, it happened,

1069
00:44:05,434 --> 00:44:06,977
and, you know, it's still new.

1070
00:44:07,061 --> 00:44:09,438
Sure, sure. It... It can be hard.

1071
00:44:09,521 --> 00:44:11,982
Come on, it's not that hard.
I mean, we have fun.

1072
00:44:12,066 --> 00:44:14,485
Yeah, we're fucking with his parents,
big time!

1073
00:44:14,568 --> 00:44:16,368
Yeah, I'm putting the milk
back in the fridge,

1074
00:44:16,445 --> 00:44:18,072
but with, like, nothing in it!

1075
00:44:18,155 --> 00:44:19,073
[both laugh]

1076
00:44:19,156 --> 00:44:21,408
- Yeah, we're having a good time.
- Yeah.

1077
00:44:22,076 --> 00:44:23,076
But it's hard.

1078
00:44:23,702 --> 00:44:26,163
<i>♪ Happy Valentine's Day ♪</i>

1079
00:44:27,581 --> 00:44:29,750
<i>♪ Every day, the 14th ♪</i>

1080
00:44:30,751 --> 00:44:32,169
<i>♪ I don't think y'all heard me ♪</i>

1081
00:44:32,252 --> 00:44:35,756
<i>♪ I just wanna say
Happy Valentine's Day ♪</i>

1082
00:44:37,257 --> 00:44:39,176
<i>♪ Every day, the 14th ♪</i>

1083
00:44:40,344 --> 00:44:42,179
<i>♪ Can y'all dig that? ♪</i>

1084
00:44:42,262 --> 00:44:45,182
<i>♪ Now, when arrows don't penetrate ♪</i>

1085
00:44:45,474 --> 00:44:48,185
<i>- ♪ See ♪
- ♪ Cupid cracks the pistol ♪</i>

1086
00:44:49,269 --> 00:44:52,106
<i>♪ Uh, yeah, now
Now lookie here ♪</i>

1087
00:44:52,189 --> 00:44:54,900
<i>♪ He shoots straight for your heart ♪</i>

1088
00:44:55,693 --> 00:44:58,070
<i>♪ Now, and he won't miss you ♪</i>

1089
00:44:59,279 --> 00:45:02,574
<i>♪ But that's all right
Y'all won't believe in me anyway but ♪</i>

1090
00:45:03,283 --> 00:45:05,202
<i>♪ You won't believe in me ♪</i>

1091
00:45:05,285 --> 00:45:08,205
<i>♪ But you can't see leprechauns ♪</i>

1092
00:45:08,288 --> 00:45:10,207
<i>♪ Or groundhogs ♪</i>

1093
00:45:10,290 --> 00:45:14,211
<i>♪ No, thank you, Easter Bunny ♪</i>

1094
00:45:14,294 --> 00:45:17,214
<i>♪ There's all this talk
About Santa Claus ♪</i>

1095
00:45:17,297 --> 00:45:21,218
<i>♪ But see, love will rule supreme ♪</i>