1 00:00:06,423 --> 00:00:08,800 - [cicadas chirping] - [owl hoots] 2 00:00:10,051 --> 00:00:13,513 Oooh. Aiden looks cute in that picture. Like it, like it, like it. 3 00:00:13,596 --> 00:00:14,931 No, it's from a year ago. 4 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,017 I don't want him to know how deep I am in his feed. 5 00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:19,644 Come on! You wanna go balls-deep in his feed. 6 00:00:19,728 --> 00:00:21,229 I'm sorry. Is his feed his mouth? 7 00:00:21,312 --> 00:00:23,231 Yep, and his timeline is his ass! 8 00:00:23,314 --> 00:00:24,441 It's easy math, my friend. 9 00:00:24,524 --> 00:00:25,804 Oh, oh! He sent me another snap. 10 00:00:25,859 --> 00:00:27,739 Lemme see, lemme see! I wanna be a part of this! 11 00:00:27,777 --> 00:00:31,156 "I'm behind a little boy at the mall who keeps calling his mom 'bruh'." 12 00:00:31,239 --> 00:00:32,699 - [both laugh] - That's hilarious. 13 00:00:32,782 --> 00:00:34,993 Send him a dick pic! Use my handsome one. 14 00:00:35,076 --> 00:00:38,204 The trick to perfect breakfast tacos is to eat you out. 15 00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:39,789 I'm sorry, that's all he says. 16 00:00:39,873 --> 00:00:41,166 I know it's not applicable here. 17 00:00:41,249 --> 00:00:45,587 I'm gonna send him that random gif of a monkey in a coat getting off a bus. 18 00:00:45,670 --> 00:00:47,464 Oh, my God. Oh, my God! He's FaceTiming me? 19 00:00:47,547 --> 00:00:48,715 Great. Here we go! 20 00:00:48,798 --> 00:00:50,008 Ooh, Matthew, check my teeth. 21 00:00:50,091 --> 00:00:52,177 I've had nothing but ribs and popcorn today! 22 00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:54,179 - No. Decline, decline! - Why did you do that? 23 00:00:54,262 --> 00:00:56,681 We haven't had an actual conversation since the pharmacy. 24 00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:58,767 - So what? - I don't even know what I'd say to him. 25 00:00:58,850 --> 00:01:01,603 You'd say, "Hello, how was your day? 26 00:01:01,686 --> 00:01:04,439 I'd like to see you naked and fuck your timeline." 27 00:01:04,522 --> 00:01:07,567 It's simple, Matt. The lost art of conversation. 28 00:01:07,650 --> 00:01:10,337 - Oh, shit! I'm just gonna text Jessi. - Why are you gonna text Jessi? 29 00:01:10,361 --> 00:01:13,281 - She'll know what to do. - What does she know about timelines? 30 00:01:13,364 --> 00:01:14,657 - Maury, shut up! - Fine! 31 00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:16,076 - Oh, shit! - What? 32 00:01:16,159 --> 00:01:19,871 I just sent "I think I just blew it with Pharmacy Boy" to Aiden! 33 00:01:19,954 --> 00:01:20,997 Why would you do that? 34 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,750 Because you were distracting me, you horny Sasquatch! 35 00:01:23,833 --> 00:01:25,710 - What do I do? What do I do? - Kill yourself! 36 00:01:25,794 --> 00:01:27,629 Oh, you're always pitching that! 37 00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:35,720 ♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪ 38 00:01:39,557 --> 00:01:45,105 ♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪ 39 00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:48,108 ♪ Oh, in my life ♪ 40 00:01:49,359 --> 00:01:52,529 ♪ Oh, ooh, ooh ♪ 41 00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:02,515 - [Diane] Oh! - [bell rings] 42 00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:03,682 - [chuckles] - What's so funny? 43 00:02:03,706 --> 00:02:05,208 Let me see, I wanna be a part of this. 44 00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:06,417 They updated the graphics, 45 00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:08,421 so when I shake my Boggle, it just looks so cute. 46 00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:09,629 - [chuckles] - Hey, Nick. 47 00:02:09,712 --> 00:02:11,548 - New Phone Day! - New Phone Day! 48 00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:13,424 I'm stickin' with burners, asswipes. 49 00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:16,052 That's Judd! Off the grid and outta sight. 50 00:02:16,136 --> 00:02:17,178 Take good care of her. 51 00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:19,764 'Sup, bitch? Oh, you're not Leah! 52 00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:21,641 Um... I... I'm... I'm Nick. 53 00:02:21,724 --> 00:02:22,892 Did you steal me? 54 00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:25,061 Uh, Leah gave you to me, so... 55 00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:26,479 Oh, so I'm your possession? 56 00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,323 No! No, I... You know what? Let's start over. 57 00:02:28,398 --> 00:02:30,459 I'm really excited to have a cool new phone like you. 58 00:02:30,483 --> 00:02:31,943 Oh! You think I'm cool? 59 00:02:32,026 --> 00:02:32,944 - Yeah. - Okay. 60 00:02:33,027 --> 00:02:35,589 You know, I have to say, you're so much quicker than my old phone. 61 00:02:35,613 --> 00:02:37,115 - [both chuckle] - Doy. 62 00:02:37,198 --> 00:02:39,117 Do you wanna telephone your father? 63 00:02:39,200 --> 00:02:40,535 - No! - Oh, good. 64 00:02:40,618 --> 00:02:43,580 That new update gave me battery cancer. 65 00:02:44,372 --> 00:02:45,372 Ew. 66 00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:49,586 Oh, boy! I just basted you so hard in my own juices. 67 00:02:49,669 --> 00:02:50,670 - [burbling] - [laughs] 68 00:02:50,753 --> 00:02:53,131 Yeah, I guess I am the ultimate fuck machine. 69 00:02:53,214 --> 00:02:54,924 But, hey, I don't even know your name. 70 00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:57,594 - [burbles] - DeLiloh? Huh? 71 00:02:57,677 --> 00:02:59,971 - Is that a boy's name or a girl's name? - [burbles] 72 00:03:00,054 --> 00:03:03,433 Well, because I'm on a journey of self-discovery, you fuckin' turkey. 73 00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:06,519 - [burbles] - Sorry, turkey that I'm fucking. 74 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:08,688 But come on, DeLiloh, I need to know. 75 00:03:09,105 --> 00:03:10,481 Aah, I need to know. 76 00:03:10,565 --> 00:03:11,733 [gasps] I need to know! 77 00:03:11,816 --> 00:03:14,235 Huh! Was that turkey a boy or a girl? 78 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:17,197 [Jay's Mom] Wash your dicks and get ready for school! 79 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:20,366 Pssh. Life hack. I wash my dick at school. 80 00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:23,453 So, I have a few minutes to watch Netflix. 81 00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:28,041 Huh. "Because you watched Penn and Teller: Live and Nude in British Columbia, 82 00:03:28,124 --> 00:03:30,585 we recommend Gordie's Journey?" 83 00:03:30,668 --> 00:03:32,670 [Netflix intro sound plays] 84 00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:35,632 [man] For years, I've been a happily married, 85 00:03:35,715 --> 00:03:37,967 straight cis male moose masseuse. 86 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,051 [moose moans] 87 00:03:39,093 --> 00:03:41,346 Oh, yeah, you've got a gaggle of knots. 88 00:03:41,429 --> 00:03:43,640 Do you do computers during the day? 89 00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:47,101 But then, in a Calgary minute, 90 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:49,270 everything changed. 91 00:03:49,437 --> 00:03:52,982 Dang it, Gordie! You're quitting your job to be a magician? 92 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:56,194 And you're leaving me to explore your sexuality? 93 00:03:56,277 --> 00:03:57,570 You sound loony! 94 00:03:57,654 --> 00:03:59,739 And I'm not referring to our nation's currency. 95 00:03:59,822 --> 00:04:03,493 Magic? Sexual confusion? Canada? 96 00:04:03,952 --> 00:04:07,997 It's about time to make my true sexual identity appear. 97 00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:10,541 Like in a magic trick, for example. 98 00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:13,628 Whoa! Netflix has so much money 99 00:04:13,711 --> 00:04:16,005 they made a show just for me. 100 00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:17,632 Thank you, Ted Sarandos. 101 00:04:17,715 --> 00:04:18,800 [school bell rings] 102 00:04:19,425 --> 00:04:21,803 Jessi, I need your help with the Aiden situation. 103 00:04:21,886 --> 00:04:23,596 Aka the situ-Aiden. 104 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:25,181 Oh, my God, I love that. But, no. 105 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,933 I haven't heard from him in 12 hours. 106 00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:29,227 I think what you need to do is just own this mistake. 107 00:04:29,310 --> 00:04:30,561 Uh... What does that mean? 108 00:04:30,645 --> 00:04:33,231 Like, start sending him all your texts, like it's on purpose. 109 00:04:33,314 --> 00:04:35,692 I like it. "Happy birthday, Aunt Linda! 110 00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:39,362 Hope that tiny dog brings you the comfort Uncle Leon never could." 111 00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:42,657 Ooh, funny. Okay, now text him "hurricane relief" in all caps. 112 00:04:42,740 --> 00:04:44,951 - Oh. Was there another hurricane? - Ugh, probably. 113 00:04:45,034 --> 00:04:46,474 Don't you follow Al Gore on Twitter? 114 00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:48,204 - Gross. No. - Well, the Earth is boiling! 115 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:50,123 She's right, it's so hot. 116 00:04:50,206 --> 00:04:52,875 Siri, find "fuckable magma" near me. 117 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,711 Did you mean "edible smegma"? 118 00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:56,296 No! But, you know, bookmark that. 119 00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:59,215 Wait, what? Are you gonna put me in your locker all morning? 120 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:02,051 Oh, no, I... I'm not supposed to have you in class, so... 121 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:05,555 - Ugh! Do you always follow the rules? - No! 122 00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:08,516 So, if a website asks if you're 18, what are you gonna say? 123 00:05:08,599 --> 00:05:09,599 I'll say I'm 26. 124 00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:13,438 Yeah, he's six foot eight and he plays for the Minnesota Timberwolves! 125 00:05:13,521 --> 00:05:15,565 Huh. Maybe you're not a total dork. 126 00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:19,527 No, I'm actually kind of, like, more of, like, a big dick boy! 127 00:05:19,610 --> 00:05:22,488 Oh, yeah? Well, I'd love to take a picture of it. I'm a photographer. 128 00:05:22,572 --> 00:05:24,991 - P-p-pict... Take a picture of my dick? - Uh, yeah. 129 00:05:25,074 --> 00:05:27,201 Ooh! Put a peanut M&M up in there for scale! 130 00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:29,221 - Maybe not now, I'm going to class. - Bust it out! 131 00:05:29,245 --> 00:05:30,288 Hey, Nick! What's up? 132 00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:32,040 Whoa! Is that Leah's phone case? 133 00:05:32,123 --> 00:05:34,459 I would know it anywhere. Not that I smelled it, or... 134 00:05:34,542 --> 00:05:36,252 Aah, nobody can sense your panic. 135 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:38,629 - That's not weird, what I said. - Perfectly played. 136 00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:39,756 Yeah, it's awesome, right? 137 00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:40,858 - [phone] Oh, Nick. - Yeah? 138 00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:44,260 Did you know there's a cool new artisanal doughnut place near you? 139 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:47,364 - We should check it out after school. - Okay. I can see if Andrew wants to go. 140 00:05:47,388 --> 00:05:50,725 Or... it could just be the two of us. 141 00:05:50,808 --> 00:05:52,810 You can stare at me the whole time, or whatever. 142 00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:55,813 - Yeah, that sounds pretty great. - Well, I'm good, yeah. 143 00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:58,107 I mean, stuff's been... Nick? Hey, where you going? 144 00:05:58,191 --> 00:05:59,911 - Oop! Lars. - Oh. I'll get out of your way. 145 00:05:59,942 --> 00:06:01,944 Unless you wanna just toss me down the hall? 146 00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:04,405 Lars, I've been meaning to say this for a while, 147 00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:07,283 but I'm sorry for grabbing you and pulling you out of your wheelchair. 148 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,494 I don't buy it. I've seen all your Fart Boy videos. 149 00:06:09,577 --> 00:06:12,747 We both have. Your online persona is shockingly toxic. 150 00:06:12,997 --> 00:06:15,375 I know it doesn't come off well, but what can I do? 151 00:06:15,458 --> 00:06:17,378 Once stuff's on the internet, it's there forever. 152 00:06:17,418 --> 00:06:19,462 No, but, like, that's true. 153 00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:22,215 It's like when I lost on Judge Joe Brown. 154 00:06:22,298 --> 00:06:24,842 It was moms-versus-daughters week. 155 00:06:24,926 --> 00:06:26,219 You could do what I did, Andrew. 156 00:06:26,302 --> 00:06:28,930 I recently unplugged. I find it very freeing. 157 00:06:29,013 --> 00:06:30,848 I only have my phone for emergencies, 158 00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:33,559 like when I get pulled out of my wheelchair by a maniac. 159 00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:37,021 - And I shall take that one on the chin. - What chin? 160 00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:39,482 Anyway, Missy, I like your unplugging idea a lot. 161 00:06:39,565 --> 00:06:41,251 - Okay. - And I think I might give it a try. 162 00:06:41,275 --> 00:06:43,861 You will have my support, from a distance. 163 00:06:43,945 --> 00:06:47,198 Ooh, I found it! I found Lola on Judge Joe Brown! 164 00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:50,368 I find the defendant, Lola Skumpy, 165 00:06:50,451 --> 00:06:53,037 guilty of tryin' on her mother's nighties 166 00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:55,623 and gettin' hummus all over them. 167 00:06:55,706 --> 00:06:58,501 Wait, what? Are you joking me? 168 00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:00,420 I just got railroaded! 169 00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:01,504 [audience murmuring] 170 00:07:01,587 --> 00:07:03,464 - [gasping] - Scary girl got my billy club! 171 00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:07,969 I will smash your brain into a smoothie and drink your thoughts! 172 00:07:08,469 --> 00:07:11,269 - Oh, my God, he wrote me back. - Read it out loud immediately, please. 173 00:07:11,347 --> 00:07:14,642 Oh! He Venmo'd me 20 cents for hurricane relief. 174 00:07:14,725 --> 00:07:16,060 [chuckles] 175 00:07:16,144 --> 00:07:17,687 Oh, he's funny, right? 176 00:07:17,770 --> 00:07:20,731 I mean, sure, yeah. If you're attracted to him, he's very funny. 177 00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:23,067 What are we talking about? Gordie's Journey? Am I right? 178 00:07:23,151 --> 00:07:25,194 [laughs] I mean, should we just cut school 179 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:28,158 and watch the last four and half episodes, like, I don't know, right now? 180 00:07:28,239 --> 00:07:31,826 - Ugh, that show about the gay magician? - He's not gay! He's bi. I think. 181 00:07:31,909 --> 00:07:35,121 I don't know, it's very complicated! And everything's in kilometers! 182 00:07:35,204 --> 00:07:37,665 You know what? Everybody, just watch the show, okay? 183 00:07:37,748 --> 00:07:41,252 So that you can answer some questions about my goddamn personal life. 184 00:07:41,335 --> 00:07:44,213 - [chiming] - Ohhh... Hey, what's up, fam? 185 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,966 It's Fart Boy, comin' at you for the last time. 186 00:07:47,049 --> 00:07:48,843 - End of an era. - Guess what, kids? 187 00:07:48,926 --> 00:07:52,221 I've decided to unplug and sign off all screens for good. 188 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,056 You're all sheep, and he's better than you. 189 00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:56,058 - There's a big world out there. - That's right. 190 00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:59,270 And I'm gonna go discover it, one day at a time. 191 00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:00,813 Wow! That was good. 192 00:08:00,897 --> 00:08:03,208 - I think I gave myself goosebumps. - You didn't turn it off. 193 00:08:03,232 --> 00:08:04,317 - What? Yes, I did. - No... 194 00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,503 - Oh, no. The screen's on. - The green thing's blinking. 195 00:08:06,527 --> 00:08:08,338 - I know, but I closed the window. - You gotta... 196 00:08:08,362 --> 00:08:10,299 - No, but you gotta click the thing. - Hey, hold on, fam. 197 00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:11,842 - I don't... - Where the fuck... Settings? 198 00:08:11,866 --> 00:08:13,306 Just unplug the whole fuckin' thing. 199 00:08:14,785 --> 00:08:16,162 [sniffs] Aaah! 200 00:08:16,245 --> 00:08:18,873 What a beautiful day! Hello, birds! 201 00:08:18,956 --> 00:08:22,752 Hello, tree! Hello, man always leaning against that red Mazda! 202 00:08:22,835 --> 00:08:24,086 Hello, world! 203 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:26,130 [Marty] Andrew! Stop talking to the world 204 00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:28,883 and tell that bum to move his Mazda! 205 00:08:30,301 --> 00:08:32,053 Isn't this place so cool? 206 00:08:32,136 --> 00:08:34,472 Yeah, doughnuts are so much better than cupcakes. 207 00:08:34,555 --> 00:08:36,700 - Cupcakes suck. - They're like muffins wearing makeup. 208 00:08:36,724 --> 00:08:39,977 [laughs] Oh, my God, you're trolling cupcakes so hard. 209 00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:41,854 You're actually kind of fun. 210 00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:42,855 - You think so? - Totally. 211 00:08:42,939 --> 00:08:44,941 Should we, like, I don't know, take a picture? 212 00:08:45,024 --> 00:08:46,150 [phone] Yeah, go for it. 213 00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:47,985 You're very photogenic from that angle. 214 00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:49,087 - Not that one. - This one? 215 00:08:49,111 --> 00:08:50,988 - Oh, a little to the right and... go. - Yeah? 216 00:08:51,072 --> 00:08:53,157 - [wolf-whistles] Hunk alert. - What's that? 217 00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:54,492 That's like an Amber Alert. 218 00:08:54,575 --> 00:08:56,494 But also, there is a kid missing in a red Mazda. 219 00:08:56,577 --> 00:08:58,704 - Oh, no! - But let's post that selfie. 220 00:08:58,788 --> 00:08:59,622 Okay! 221 00:08:59,705 --> 00:09:02,583 [laughing] Yay! You know, you're cute enough to get kidnapped. 222 00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:03,960 - You think? - On the dark web, 223 00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:05,962 you'd be worth, like, four Bitcoin. 224 00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:08,214 - Is that a lot? - That's, like, 90 grand. 225 00:09:08,297 --> 00:09:11,634 Whoa! Imagine, my life worth 90 thous... 226 00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:13,719 Oh, it just went down to 45 grand. 227 00:09:16,347 --> 00:09:17,807 There's my sunshine. 228 00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:20,142 Hi, Mom. Oh, I'm loving your dinner look. 229 00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:21,811 Well, thanks, darlin'. 230 00:09:21,894 --> 00:09:22,979 And who's this pretty girl? 231 00:09:23,062 --> 00:09:24,480 Mom, this is my friend Jessi. 232 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:27,942 Oh, Matthew's brought a girl home. How about that? 233 00:09:28,025 --> 00:09:30,486 Hey, Dad. Jessi Glaser, this is my dad, 234 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,196 Staff Sergeant Edward MacDell. 235 00:09:32,321 --> 00:09:35,616 Glaser? Hm. I've known a few Glasers over the years. 236 00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:37,702 Uh... Is your mother also Jewish? 237 00:09:37,785 --> 00:09:38,661 Uh... 238 00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:40,788 Yeah. Yeah. My mother is Jewish. 239 00:09:40,871 --> 00:09:42,415 She's a Jew... Uh, she's Jewish. 240 00:09:42,498 --> 00:09:44,542 Well, we love The Nanny. 241 00:09:44,625 --> 00:09:47,378 Sure. Um, yeah, Fran Drescher's terrific. 242 00:09:47,461 --> 00:09:51,048 Oh, yeah, we love all those traditional Jewish sitcoms. 243 00:09:51,132 --> 00:09:54,051 Seinfeld, Mad About You, Friends. 244 00:09:54,135 --> 00:09:55,636 Uh, I don't think Friends is Jewish. 245 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,722 Well, yeah, but definitely Monica and Ross... 246 00:09:57,805 --> 00:10:00,474 Okay. Well, we're gonna go up to my room now. 247 00:10:00,558 --> 00:10:02,184 Have fun, but not too much fun. 248 00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:03,853 - [all laugh] - Oh, Edward. 249 00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:07,315 Hey, Kimberly, let's enjoy a nice dish of ice cream tonight. 250 00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:11,027 So, does your dad, like, know? 251 00:10:11,110 --> 00:10:14,655 We have a fun, throwback sort of "don't ask, don't tell" policy. 252 00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:16,449 Seriously? Oh, that's bullshit. 253 00:10:16,532 --> 00:10:17,617 Honestly, I don't mind it. 254 00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,300 I don't have to answer awkward questions, 255 00:10:19,368 --> 00:10:21,728 and he can keep his fantasy of me marrying Carrie Underwood. 256 00:10:21,787 --> 00:10:24,766 - That's fair. I actually like her. - So do I. I just don't want to fuck her. 257 00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:27,335 Speaking of, what can I do to help with the big FaceTime? 258 00:10:27,418 --> 00:10:30,421 I don't know. I... I want my room to look nice, but also lived in. 259 00:10:30,504 --> 00:10:32,381 Okay. How about... 260 00:10:32,465 --> 00:10:35,235 Can we leave a knife prominently in the background? Like, just for fun? 261 00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:37,595 Ooh, yes, I love that. A hint of menace. 262 00:10:37,678 --> 00:10:40,181 I'm telling you, the lighting in here is all wrong. 263 00:10:40,264 --> 00:10:43,809 We should be doing this in a Taco Bell bathroom, at golden hour. 264 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:47,104 [phone] Hey, do you wanna know what time it is in Sacramento? 265 00:10:47,188 --> 00:10:48,105 Yes, of course. 266 00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:51,651 Nick! Joy to the world, and what a world it is! 267 00:10:51,734 --> 00:10:54,862 Did you know that we have a shoe cobbler in downtown Bridgeton? 268 00:10:54,945 --> 00:10:57,073 Boy, I hope his son comes home from Afghanistan soon. 269 00:10:57,156 --> 00:10:59,217 The kid'll come home when the mission's accomplished. 270 00:10:59,241 --> 00:11:00,618 Show him the leaf, Andy. 271 00:11:00,701 --> 00:11:02,953 Nick, look at this. A perfect leaf. 272 00:11:03,037 --> 00:11:05,349 - You're right, that is funny. - Come on, put down the phone. 273 00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:06,832 Let's live real life. 274 00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:10,586 Fuck real life, it's full of dorks, like this little oatmeal man. 275 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,421 - Yeah. - [grunts and farts] 276 00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:14,674 God, what's wrong with me? Every time I move, I fart. 277 00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:16,842 You're like a Rottweiler watching TV. 278 00:11:16,926 --> 00:11:20,096 Too bad you weren't filming that. Would've been a hilarious post. 279 00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:21,555 - You think so? - Absolutely. 280 00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:24,701 - Hey, Andrew, will you do that again? - Are you crazy? I'm gonna shit my pants. 281 00:11:24,725 --> 00:11:25,643 - Even better. - What? 282 00:11:25,726 --> 00:11:27,853 I mean, I don't want it to seem forced, but could you? 283 00:11:27,937 --> 00:11:30,272 Uh, Nick, it's a little inappropriate to ask me to do that. 284 00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:33,234 - What's the big deal? - I've unplugged. I found a leaf. 285 00:11:33,317 --> 00:11:37,154 You weren't even paying attention, 'cause you're so glued to your devices. 286 00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:39,158 It's not like you haven't shit your pants before. 287 00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:41,325 - I'm just asking you to do it on film. - Fuck you! 288 00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:43,619 It's not even film, it's just digital, zeroes and ones. 289 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,830 - You know what? Andrew outta here. - Good. 290 00:11:45,913 --> 00:11:47,164 Peace, bitch! 291 00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:49,792 Look at this leaf. Nature is sexy. 292 00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:51,155 Yeah, what do you want, sweetie? 293 00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:52,461 I want to buy you something. 294 00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:54,130 [choking] 295 00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:56,215 [groaning] 296 00:11:56,298 --> 00:11:58,092 Oh fuck, she's inside me. 297 00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:00,177 See you in a few hours, baby. 298 00:12:00,261 --> 00:12:01,637 [ringing tone] 299 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,264 - Hey. - Hey! 300 00:12:03,347 --> 00:12:06,308 Hello. How was your day? I'd like to see you naked and... 301 00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:09,103 - Get out of here. - So, we are doing this. 302 00:12:09,186 --> 00:12:11,355 - We are doing this. - I... 303 00:12:11,605 --> 00:12:13,774 - Oh, oh... You're frozen. - What? 304 00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:15,484 Uh, maybe don't move around so much? 305 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:16,819 - Sorry. - Oh, that's okay. 306 00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:20,489 - Oh, shit! He's frozen again. - No, I just wasn't moving. 307 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:22,413 - Who are you talking to? - Uh, no one. Myself. 308 00:12:22,491 --> 00:12:23,510 - Are you... - So, I mean... 309 00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:24,618 - No, you go... - No... I... 310 00:12:24,702 --> 00:12:26,054 - I just... What? - What? No, you go. 311 00:12:26,078 --> 00:12:27,955 No. I w... I mean, I was just gonna say, um... 312 00:12:28,038 --> 00:12:30,249 Helloooo. How was your day? 313 00:12:30,332 --> 00:12:32,585 - What are you doing? - The lost art of conversation. 314 00:12:32,668 --> 00:12:35,212 Uh, my day was fine. Um... 315 00:12:35,337 --> 00:12:38,841 You know, I forgot, I gotta go, but this was... We should... Anyway. 316 00:12:38,924 --> 00:12:41,820 Oh, yeah, no, I... Yeah, I have to go, too. Yeah. I was about to say that. 317 00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:43,846 - So, um, yeah, I have to go, too. - Okay, sorry. 318 00:12:43,929 --> 00:12:45,681 - Bye. - Bye. 319 00:12:46,015 --> 00:12:47,266 [groans] 320 00:12:47,683 --> 00:12:49,810 - Matthew, that was, um... - Atrocious. 321 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:51,574 Atrocious was what I was looking for, yeah. 322 00:12:51,604 --> 00:12:53,314 You know what? Aiden's kind of meh, right? 323 00:12:53,397 --> 00:12:55,375 - I don't think I like him anymore. - Forget Aiden. 324 00:12:55,399 --> 00:12:57,651 There's plenty of other gorgeous, funny, 325 00:12:57,735 --> 00:13:01,113 out-of-the-closet hunks in this small, suburban tow... 326 00:13:01,697 --> 00:13:03,783 Jesus, we're fucked, Garfield. 327 00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:06,285 Oh, Diane, you have an eyelash. Make a wish. 328 00:13:06,368 --> 00:13:07,804 - I'm in the middle of a game. - Okay. 329 00:13:07,828 --> 00:13:10,956 I'm gonna save it in my apron pocket, and you can blow it away later. 330 00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:13,793 Shit my pants? Why don't you shit your pants? 331 00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:15,479 - Fuckin' idiot. - Something wrong, Andrew? 332 00:13:15,503 --> 00:13:17,797 Oh, hi, Dr. Birch. I'm sorry to tell you this, sir, 333 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,299 but your son is obsessed with his stupid phone. 334 00:13:20,382 --> 00:13:22,885 - Hm. I wonder where he gets that from. - [bleeping] 335 00:13:22,968 --> 00:13:25,721 Twelve points! That's the most you can get in Boggle. Yes! 336 00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,681 Dr. Birch, this may sound crazy, 337 00:13:27,765 --> 00:13:29,892 but was there a time before cell phones? 338 00:13:29,975 --> 00:13:32,061 Oh, Andrew, it was glorious. 339 00:13:32,144 --> 00:13:34,480 There were no status updates or apps, 340 00:13:34,563 --> 00:13:38,275 and the only Kardashian we knew was a lawyer with a skunk hairdo. 341 00:13:38,359 --> 00:13:40,277 Hold on, no status updates? 342 00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:42,422 How did you know what was going on with your friends? 343 00:13:42,446 --> 00:13:45,741 We'd all get together at dinner parties, and eat sun-dried tomatoes, 344 00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:48,953 and play Trivial Pursuit until Northern Exposure came on. 345 00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:51,914 Wow! I don't know what any of those things are, 346 00:13:51,997 --> 00:13:54,041 but a dinner party sounds delightful. 347 00:13:54,124 --> 00:13:55,543 That's just what my friends need. 348 00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:58,212 Ooh! Idea! We should throw one here! 349 00:13:58,295 --> 00:14:01,215 - Judd knows some dynamite caterers. - Yes. Let's do it. 350 00:14:01,298 --> 00:14:03,298 I can bring the napkin rings I made at Jewish camp. 351 00:14:03,342 --> 00:14:05,803 - And I'll bring my famous guacamole! - Aah! 352 00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:07,239 - I do it with Greek yogurt. - Huh. 353 00:14:07,263 --> 00:14:09,544 - You know where I get my Greek yogurt? - Someplace gross? 354 00:14:09,598 --> 00:14:12,685 No! John Stamos' balls. 355 00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:15,896 What do they say about me down at the Harbourfront, Gordie? 356 00:14:15,980 --> 00:14:18,691 That I've been queer? That I'm bi-curious? 357 00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:20,234 That I'm omnisexual? 358 00:14:20,317 --> 00:14:22,570 The only thing I've heard about you, Daniel, 359 00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:25,155 is that you steal tricks and also... 360 00:14:25,573 --> 00:14:26,657 glances. 361 00:14:27,449 --> 00:14:31,787 Oh, you can't show up here withyour Halifax face and your Manitoba waist, 362 00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:33,330 and talk to me like that. 363 00:14:33,414 --> 00:14:35,875 I'm Daniel Fucking Silvermeadow. 364 00:14:37,918 --> 00:14:39,003 Oh, yeah. Oh. 365 00:14:39,086 --> 00:14:40,629 Gimme some maple sugar, baby. 366 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:42,756 Oh, this show is driving me nuts. 367 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:45,968 Gordie spends two episodes telling everyone he's a bisexual, 368 00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:50,139 and now, suddenly, he's a non-binary pansexual? 369 00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:51,825 - And here you go. - What the fuck is this? 370 00:14:51,849 --> 00:14:52,892 One for you. 371 00:14:52,975 --> 00:14:56,020 "An evening of camaraderie and conversation 372 00:14:56,103 --> 00:14:59,899 presented by Andrew Glouberman and Dr. Elliot Birch?" 373 00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:03,694 Wait, hold on one second. I'm sorry, but you're throwing a party with my dad? 374 00:15:03,777 --> 00:15:05,654 At your house, yes. It's a dinner party. 375 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:06,739 We will share food, 376 00:15:06,822 --> 00:15:09,783 but also we will be nourished by our conversation. 377 00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:11,994 Matthew, this sounds truly terrible. 378 00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:13,120 We have to go. 379 00:15:13,203 --> 00:15:15,539 Guys. Do not go to this weird thing at my house! 380 00:15:15,623 --> 00:15:17,416 Nicky, baby, don't worry. 381 00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:20,836 If it sucks, we'll sneak out and watch videos of people cutting soap. 382 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:23,839 - Like, with a knife? - I'm telling you, it's oddly satisfying. 383 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:27,509 Okay, fine. I will try to swing by my own house after school. 384 00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:30,512 - I bet Missy wants to come. - No, I'm gonna give her space. 385 00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:32,222 If it's meant to be, she'll come back. 386 00:15:32,306 --> 00:15:33,766 Nah, women hate space. 387 00:15:33,849 --> 00:15:36,828 - That's why there's no female astronauts. - What about that one who put on... 388 00:15:36,852 --> 00:15:38,687 Who put on a diaper and drove across country? 389 00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:40,064 She's cool. She can hang. 390 00:15:40,147 --> 00:15:41,147 [Boggle game bleeping] 391 00:15:41,523 --> 00:15:42,650 [phones chiming] 392 00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:44,818 [groans] Aiden's moved on. 393 00:15:44,902 --> 00:15:47,071 Look at him laughing at Chipotle. 394 00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:49,531 I hope he gets E. coli from his barbacoa. 395 00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:53,410 - Okay, who's ready for appetizers? - Coach Steve, what are you doing here? 396 00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:56,288 Oh, I'm Coach Part-Time Caterer Steve now, yeah. 397 00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:58,707 They give me a new job every episode. 398 00:15:58,791 --> 00:15:59,917 [chattering] 399 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:03,003 I know, I know, but they started talking to me. 400 00:16:03,420 --> 00:16:05,881 Uh, clink, clink. Uh, eyes up here, everyone. [chuckles] 401 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:09,009 You may have wondered why we've gathered you here tonight. 402 00:16:09,093 --> 00:16:11,470 You see, Dr. Birch and I want to guide you back to a time 403 00:16:11,553 --> 00:16:13,973 when you weren't slavishly devoted to your machine. 404 00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:16,642 - What? - Your phones! Give us your phones, people. 405 00:16:16,725 --> 00:16:18,495 - Are you fucking kidding me? - Oh, no, no, no! 406 00:16:18,519 --> 00:16:21,438 I only have one episode left, and I need to see if Gordie's tryst 407 00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:23,442 with Becky Leveque, the Labatt's rep from Québec, 408 00:16:23,524 --> 00:16:24,604 is a one-time thing or not! 409 00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:26,235 - It's just a couple hours. - Oh, God. 410 00:16:26,318 --> 00:16:27,879 - You can't take our phones. - Thank you! 411 00:16:27,903 --> 00:16:29,822 - We're going back in time. - Come on, Nick. 412 00:16:29,905 --> 00:16:31,385 You don't wanna put me in the basket. 413 00:16:31,448 --> 00:16:34,088 I know, but maybe it'll be good for us to have a little separation? 414 00:16:34,159 --> 00:16:35,411 - Okay, fine. - Really? 415 00:16:35,494 --> 00:16:37,663 Yeah. I just hope you don't get too many... 416 00:16:37,746 --> 00:16:39,957 [buzzes]...mm, notifications. 417 00:16:40,040 --> 00:16:42,459 Oh, yeah? Well, maybe I'll put you on airplane mode 418 00:16:42,543 --> 00:16:44,003 and we'll join the mile high club. 419 00:16:44,086 --> 00:16:45,170 - Wait, what? - Oh, I... 420 00:16:45,254 --> 00:16:46,982 - What are you talking about? - I... I think... 421 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,382 I was... I was trying to be sexy. 422 00:16:48,465 --> 00:16:49,967 I'm... I'm a child, so... 423 00:16:50,050 --> 00:16:51,050 [chattering] 424 00:16:51,093 --> 00:16:54,763 You know, I used to be the gym teacher for everybody at this party. 425 00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:57,391 Well, except for the mommy and the daddy. 426 00:16:57,766 --> 00:17:00,728 Hey, Lisa, settle a bet I made with myself. 427 00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:02,730 Are you a tiny bear 428 00:17:02,813 --> 00:17:05,566 or a possum with a burglar mask on? 429 00:17:05,649 --> 00:17:07,985 - [smooth jazz plays] - [Andrew] Okay, have no fear, 430 00:17:08,068 --> 00:17:10,529 the Conversation Hat is here. 431 00:17:10,612 --> 00:17:12,781 First topic. Oh, this is good. 432 00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:15,534 Who is the tallest woman you've ever met? 433 00:17:15,617 --> 00:17:17,161 Now, that's a good question. 434 00:17:17,244 --> 00:17:18,620 Huh? Okay, I'll start. 435 00:17:18,704 --> 00:17:20,873 I was eating very cold French fries 436 00:17:20,956 --> 00:17:21,999 - at the YMCA. - [chiming] 437 00:17:22,082 --> 00:17:23,417 I was there for swimming lessons, 438 00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:25,729 - but I refused to get into the pool... - Gordie, Gordie... 439 00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:29,131 - [shivering] - Boggle, Boggle, Boggle... 440 00:17:29,339 --> 00:17:32,801 - [slowed] She's gotta be seven feet tall. - [phone] Nick! 441 00:17:32,885 --> 00:17:34,654 - She... - [phone] I have so much to tell you. 442 00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:37,514 - I'm coming for ya! I'm coming for ya! - [phone] Yeah, get me, get me. 443 00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:40,726 - She was standing in the deep end... - Sic him! 444 00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:44,730 - Give it! - [Andrew] Guys, do not go for the basket! 445 00:17:44,813 --> 00:17:46,815 Ah! I'm finishing Gordie's Journey! 446 00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,734 Ugh! Now Aiden's at Seven Dollar Doughnuts. 447 00:17:48,817 --> 00:17:50,819 Enough of this. You like him. 448 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,696 Let's just go there. Come on! 449 00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:54,073 Diane, what are you doing? 450 00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:55,657 It's my phone! 451 00:17:55,741 --> 00:17:58,827 Look at yourself. You're beautiful, but also a junkie. 452 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:00,496 - Am I? - A beautiful junkie. 453 00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:01,622 Oh, I missed you so much. 454 00:18:01,705 --> 00:18:03,040 Oh! Thank God you're back. 455 00:18:03,123 --> 00:18:06,335 - You have spam from Commerce Bank. - Let's go to my room and unsubscribe. 456 00:18:06,418 --> 00:18:07,461 Just you and me, baby. 457 00:18:07,961 --> 00:18:10,881 Oh, God! You're right, Elliot. I'm a Boggle junkie. 458 00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:13,050 Here, please, take it off my phone. 459 00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:14,551 Guys! Come on! 460 00:18:14,635 --> 00:18:17,513 We still have a lot of fun conversation starters. 461 00:18:17,596 --> 00:18:21,100 How about this one? "If you knew a child was disabled in the womb, 462 00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:23,519 would you abort it or see the pregnancy through?" 463 00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:25,646 I'd love to stand here and tell you 464 00:18:25,729 --> 00:18:28,941 that I'm a pansexual, demi-romantic illusionist. 465 00:18:29,233 --> 00:18:30,776 But all I've really learned is... 466 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:34,947 my name is Gordie, and my journey has just begun. 467 00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:38,200 Oh, that's it? Ten episodes, and you learned your name? 468 00:18:38,283 --> 00:18:39,743 Come on, that's bullshit! 469 00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:41,286 Whoa! What's wrong, kid? 470 00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:44,248 Oh, sorry, I didn't realize there was another dinner party up here. 471 00:18:44,331 --> 00:18:46,959 And you're not scared, seein' a bunch of ghosts? 472 00:18:47,042 --> 00:18:48,962 Oh, no, there's a shit ton of ghosts at my house. 473 00:18:49,044 --> 00:18:52,214 My old man says witnesses have a funny way of dying. 474 00:18:52,297 --> 00:18:56,552 ♪ Stop quoting Your dad's law commercials ♪ 475 00:18:56,635 --> 00:18:58,303 Oh, baby, what else did I miss? 476 00:18:58,387 --> 00:19:00,556 Shia LaBeouf left a bomb at Whole Foods. 477 00:19:00,639 --> 00:19:05,144 - Ugh, I bet it's, like, an art project. - [laughs] Oh! That's such a hot take. 478 00:19:05,644 --> 00:19:06,644 You're so clever. 479 00:19:06,687 --> 00:19:08,230 - You're so pathetic! - What? 480 00:19:08,313 --> 00:19:10,440 You couldn't be away from your phone for one night. 481 00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:12,568 Andrew, shouldn't you be hanging out with my father? 482 00:19:12,651 --> 00:19:15,320 Idiot. He and your mother are making love. 483 00:19:15,404 --> 00:19:17,948 But you wouldn't know that, 'cause you're always on your phone. 484 00:19:18,031 --> 00:19:21,785 Okay. Andrew, you feel like technology's keeping us apart. 485 00:19:21,869 --> 00:19:24,621 - Yes, I do. - When really, it's bringing us together. 486 00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:27,249 - What? - We have more power in our fingertips 487 00:19:27,332 --> 00:19:29,877 - than whole generations before us. - I'm listening. 488 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:33,172 Creativity, adaptability, connectability. 489 00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:36,383 AT&T Wireless. Where will it take you? 490 00:19:36,466 --> 00:19:38,427 Okay, that's definitely a cell phone commercial. 491 00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:39,595 But it's still true! 492 00:19:39,678 --> 00:19:42,238 When I wanna break down a Mets trade late at night, what do I do? 493 00:19:42,264 --> 00:19:45,142 - Do I call your house? - No, my dad would kill you. You text me. 494 00:19:45,225 --> 00:19:47,825 And what about when we wanna know the net worth of Liev Schreiber? 495 00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:48,687 We Googled it. 496 00:19:48,770 --> 00:19:51,523 It said 16 million, but that still seems high. 497 00:19:51,607 --> 00:19:53,168 - Yeah. - I guess it's Ray Donovan money. 498 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:55,211 - And who do you think's on my home screen? - [gasps] 499 00:19:55,235 --> 00:19:57,487 It's me. I don't look half bad in that picture. 500 00:19:57,571 --> 00:20:00,157 'Cause I used an app called Chin Fix to give you a jawline. 501 00:20:00,240 --> 00:20:01,992 I mean, I don't love phones, 502 00:20:02,075 --> 00:20:04,161 but if you wanted to post that, I guess you could. 503 00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:05,078 You got it, buddy. 504 00:20:05,162 --> 00:20:07,831 I'm doing it as a story so it disappears in 24 hours. 505 00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:11,084 I guess I just feel like... your phone is replacing me. 506 00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:13,712 Andrew, nothing could ever replace you. 507 00:20:13,795 --> 00:20:15,005 You're my best friend. 508 00:20:15,088 --> 00:20:16,548 - Really? - Of course. 509 00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:19,009 Thanks, Nick. I'm gonna go settle up with the raccoons. 510 00:20:19,343 --> 00:20:21,887 - That was all bullshit, right? - Oh, total bullshit. 511 00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:23,513 Ah, I love it when you lie. 512 00:20:23,597 --> 00:20:25,349 - Oh, yeah? - Yeah, I fuckin' do. 513 00:20:25,432 --> 00:20:27,434 Yeah, I'm never gonna tell the truth. 514 00:20:27,517 --> 00:20:29,353 I'm a little psychopath. 515 00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:31,647 Yeah, I'm psycho too, bitch. 516 00:20:31,730 --> 00:20:35,108 I'm just so pissed that Gordie didn't decide dick about his sexuality. 517 00:20:35,192 --> 00:20:37,236 Well, why is it so important that he decides? 518 00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:41,114 'Cause it's not satisfying to the audience! They need an answer! 519 00:20:41,198 --> 00:20:42,950 Well, how hard could it be? 520 00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:44,701 You're either straight, or you're sweet. 521 00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:46,119 Well, that's not true, Duke. 522 00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:48,830 Most people thought I was gay, but I'm actually bisexual. 523 00:20:48,914 --> 00:20:51,667 And now, there's, like, a million other things you can be. 524 00:20:51,750 --> 00:20:52,960 It's fucking confusing! 525 00:20:53,043 --> 00:20:55,170 Sorry to interrupt. But maybe I can help. 526 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:57,256 Gordie? But you're just as mixed up as I am. 527 00:20:57,339 --> 00:20:58,548 That's true, Jay. 528 00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:01,718 But I've learned heaps about the spectrum of sexuality. 529 00:21:01,802 --> 00:21:04,930 Let me tell you all about it, in the sexiest place in Canada. 530 00:21:05,013 --> 00:21:06,133 Justin Trudeau's underpants? 531 00:21:06,181 --> 00:21:09,059 Nope, the Toronto Harbourfront, after all. 532 00:21:09,142 --> 00:21:10,142 Come on in! 533 00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:13,438 ♪ The modern world's a sexual cornucopia ♪ 534 00:21:13,981 --> 00:21:16,984 ♪ We take comfort knowing If we're this or that ♪ 535 00:21:18,318 --> 00:21:20,195 ♪ No longer simply straight or gay ♪ 536 00:21:20,529 --> 00:21:22,572 ♪ There's a mind-boggling array ♪ 537 00:21:22,823 --> 00:21:24,866 ♪ And we all are searching for a home ♪ 538 00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:27,995 ♪ To hang our boner's hat ♪ 539 00:21:28,370 --> 00:21:31,248 ♪ Let's begin with the simple androsexual ♪ 540 00:21:31,790 --> 00:21:34,543 ♪ That's an any-gendered person who fucks men ♪ 541 00:21:35,377 --> 00:21:37,087 ♪ But if it's just a part-time dickin' ♪ 542 00:21:37,170 --> 00:21:38,922 ♪ And also ladies you'll be stickin' ♪ 543 00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:41,591 ♪ Then you could be bi or cisgen-MSM ♪ 544 00:21:42,551 --> 00:21:44,428 ♪ Now, should you require romance ♪ 545 00:21:44,511 --> 00:21:46,054 ♪ To get you into no pants ♪ 546 00:21:46,138 --> 00:21:48,640 ♪ Then a demisexual is what you'd be ♪ 547 00:21:49,266 --> 00:21:52,644 ♪ And the omnisexual or pan Will bed all genders, understand? ♪ 548 00:21:52,728 --> 00:21:55,480 ♪ While polysexuals don't fuck all Just two or three ♪ 549 00:21:55,564 --> 00:21:59,526 ♪ Yes, siree On the spectrum of sexuality ♪ 550 00:21:59,609 --> 00:22:02,362 So, you're telling me there's a category for everybody? 551 00:22:02,446 --> 00:22:05,282 - I don't believe it. - Oh, yeah? Try me. 552 00:22:05,365 --> 00:22:08,535 ♪ I sashayed like a nancy boy To make the ladies shriek ♪ 553 00:22:08,994 --> 00:22:12,205 ♪ A gender-normative gynophile With a homophobic streak ♪ 554 00:22:12,372 --> 00:22:15,876 ♪ I was a femme androgenoid From distant outer space ♪ 555 00:22:15,959 --> 00:22:19,379 ♪ A polysexual gender non-conformist Textbook case ♪ 556 00:22:19,463 --> 00:22:22,591 ♪ I died from drugs and heartbreak Forced to hide my same-sex love ♪ 557 00:22:22,674 --> 00:22:26,053 ♪ I fucked ladies who fucked ladies Who fucked me ♪ 558 00:22:26,136 --> 00:22:29,806 ♪ Hm. A classic closeted bisexual And a philandering cisgen male ♪ 559 00:22:29,890 --> 00:22:33,226 ♪ There's a name for anything You care to be, don't you see? ♪ 560 00:22:33,310 --> 00:22:36,521 ♪ On the spectrum of sexuality ♪ 561 00:22:36,605 --> 00:22:40,233 ♪ Some prefer to be alone When they get naughty ♪ 562 00:22:40,817 --> 00:22:45,405 ♪ They're only turned on By the sight of their own body ♪ 563 00:22:45,947 --> 00:22:49,368 ♪ Well, it's logical as it's lexical They're simply autosexual ♪ 564 00:22:49,576 --> 00:22:52,412 ♪ Like, oh, so many more From sea to sea ♪ 565 00:22:52,871 --> 00:22:56,458 ♪ Whatever horny predilection Makes you wet or prompts erection ♪ 566 00:22:56,666 --> 00:22:58,335 ♪ It's all there, on the spectrum ♪ 567 00:22:58,418 --> 00:23:03,507 [all] ♪ Of sexuality ♪ 568 00:23:03,590 --> 00:23:06,051 Huh! I guess I did learn something 569 00:23:06,134 --> 00:23:08,261 from that stupid Canadian show. 570 00:23:08,345 --> 00:23:10,639 But where do you fit into all of this, Jay? 571 00:23:10,722 --> 00:23:12,265 Hmm. 572 00:23:13,683 --> 00:23:15,394 Oh, what do I even say to him? 573 00:23:15,477 --> 00:23:17,687 You say, "Hello. How was your day?" 574 00:23:17,771 --> 00:23:18,771 I tried that! 575 00:23:18,814 --> 00:23:21,274 Yeah, but you sounded like a serial killer. Just be yourself. 576 00:23:21,358 --> 00:23:22,192 - [groans] - Come on. 577 00:23:22,275 --> 00:23:23,193 Swirls are just... 578 00:23:23,276 --> 00:23:25,695 Oh, Aiden. Hey, I... I didn't know you'd be here. 579 00:23:25,779 --> 00:23:27,948 Well, I just put it up on Instagram. 580 00:23:28,031 --> 00:23:30,450 I know, I... I may have seen it. 581 00:23:30,534 --> 00:23:33,161 And I may have put it up hoping you would see it. 582 00:23:33,245 --> 00:23:36,498 He likes you. He wants to see you naked and beef your timeline. 583 00:23:36,581 --> 00:23:37,707 The miracle of social media. 584 00:23:37,791 --> 00:23:40,544 Maybe sometime we could hang out on purpose? 585 00:23:40,627 --> 00:23:43,422 Hang out now, right now. Hang out with him now! 586 00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:45,715 Uh, on purpose sounds great. 587 00:23:45,799 --> 00:23:48,427 [chuckles] So, what's good here? 588 00:23:48,677 --> 00:23:49,717 I'll send it to him later. 589 00:23:49,761 --> 00:23:52,431 Oh, honey, we gotta find someone for you. 590 00:23:52,514 --> 00:23:54,307 One of those caterers at Nick's seemed cute. 591 00:23:54,391 --> 00:23:58,019 - You want me to date a raccoon? - Oh. I thought they were tiny bears. 592 00:23:58,311 --> 00:24:00,272 Okay, listen up, jerks! 593 00:24:00,355 --> 00:24:02,274 I've got big news. 594 00:24:02,357 --> 00:24:04,943 I, Jay Bilzerian, am a bisexual, 595 00:24:05,026 --> 00:24:07,821 cisgendered, polyamorous magician! 596 00:24:07,904 --> 00:24:09,239 ♪ Ta-da! ♪ 597 00:24:09,322 --> 00:24:10,407 [chittering] 598 00:24:10,490 --> 00:24:12,385 Good for you, kid. Maybe you should tell your friends? 599 00:24:12,409 --> 00:24:14,161 Well, that's what I was trying to do, but... 600 00:24:14,244 --> 00:24:15,954 I dunno, I think my moment's passed. 601 00:24:16,037 --> 00:24:17,677 [chittering] Hey, can I confess something? 602 00:24:18,039 --> 00:24:19,082 I love eating envelopes. 603 00:24:19,166 --> 00:24:21,168 Me, too, man. Me, too. 604 00:24:21,251 --> 00:24:23,503 [groans] Hey, what are you guys up to now? 605 00:24:23,587 --> 00:24:27,674 I heard about this awesome dumpster at the Fuddruckers on Central Ave. 606 00:24:27,757 --> 00:24:29,134 You guys wanna head over there, 607 00:24:29,217 --> 00:24:31,428 see if there's any loose tomatoes, or what? 608 00:24:31,511 --> 00:24:32,512 [squeaking] 609 00:24:32,596 --> 00:24:33,847 [chattering] 610 00:24:33,930 --> 00:24:37,434 You're going night windsurfing with Morris Chestnut? 611 00:24:37,517 --> 00:24:42,522 Oh, yeah. You can't pass up that obviously real opportunity. 612 00:24:43,440 --> 00:24:46,359 I hate to admit it, but it's good to be back online. 613 00:24:46,443 --> 00:24:47,486 You bet it is, baby. 614 00:24:47,569 --> 00:24:50,906 Absolutely no emails or activity, but it's good to be here. 615 00:24:50,989 --> 00:24:52,866 The internet makes people feel good. 616 00:24:52,949 --> 00:24:53,783 - Oh, no. - What? 617 00:24:53,867 --> 00:24:54,993 - Look. - [Maury] Oh, buddy. 618 00:24:55,076 --> 00:24:56,220 - Oh, God. - What do you think? 619 00:24:56,244 --> 00:24:58,747 Should we livestream another angry rant? 620 00:24:58,830 --> 00:25:01,541 Nah, I think I'm just gonna jerk off and go to sleep. 621 00:25:01,625 --> 00:25:04,085 - What do you wanna think about? - Uh... Oh, gosh. 622 00:25:04,169 --> 00:25:06,421 Ooh. What about that tall woman from the YMCA? 623 00:25:06,505 --> 00:25:08,298 - Huh. - Remember how big her car was? 624 00:25:08,381 --> 00:25:10,800 And she had to push her seat so far back. 625 00:25:10,884 --> 00:25:13,261 I wonder if she played college volleyball. 626 00:25:13,678 --> 00:25:15,764 Oh, Cellsea, I'm so glad we're back together. 627 00:25:15,847 --> 00:25:17,766 I was, like, dying without you. 628 00:25:17,849 --> 00:25:19,434 Yeah, but then I plugged you in. 629 00:25:19,518 --> 00:25:22,354 You wanna watch somebody play a video game that you don't even own? 630 00:25:22,437 --> 00:25:23,980 I'll watch anything with you. 631 00:25:24,064 --> 00:25:26,608 - Yeah, you like to watch, don't you? - Yeah, I do. 632 00:25:26,691 --> 00:25:28,944 Well, here's something else you might like. 633 00:25:29,027 --> 00:25:30,278 Now, Miss Skumpy, 634 00:25:30,362 --> 00:25:33,490 I understand we have nanny cam footage 635 00:25:33,573 --> 00:25:35,867 of the hummus-on-the-nightie incident? 636 00:25:35,951 --> 00:25:39,037 That teddy bear is a fucking narc! 637 00:25:39,538 --> 00:25:42,082 Oh, Monsieur Teddy Bear, mmm... 638 00:25:42,165 --> 00:25:43,959 Looks like you can keep a secret. 639 00:25:44,042 --> 00:25:44,876 Mmm... [chuckles] 640 00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:47,379 [laughs] Oh. Oh, my God, that's amazing. 641 00:25:47,462 --> 00:25:49,881 Well, if you like that, you're gonna love this video 642 00:25:49,965 --> 00:25:52,676 of John Stamos jackin' off in a bowl of guac. 643 00:25:52,759 --> 00:25:54,386 Oh, you gotta show me that. 644 00:25:54,469 --> 00:25:55,929 I'm gonna show you everything. 645 00:25:56,012 --> 00:25:57,740 - Do you wanna just stay up all night? - Okay. 646 00:25:57,764 --> 00:25:59,644 And have, like, a weird headache in the morning? 647 00:25:59,683 --> 00:26:02,394 - [whispers] All fucking night... - Yeah. 648 00:26:02,477 --> 00:26:05,146 ♪ Why don't you Put that fuckin' phone down? ♪ 649 00:26:05,438 --> 00:26:08,275 ♪ Darlin', so we could be alone now ♪ 650 00:26:08,733 --> 00:26:11,987 ♪ Can't you just be here When the lights go out? ♪ 651 00:26:12,070 --> 00:26:14,948 ♪ Why don't you ever Put that phone down? ♪ 652 00:26:15,407 --> 00:26:18,618 ♪ What could be so goddamn important ♪ 653 00:26:18,702 --> 00:26:21,580 ♪ That it can't wait until the mornin'? ♪ 654 00:26:22,080 --> 00:26:25,333 ♪ You got me right here With my clothes off now ♪ 655 00:26:25,417 --> 00:26:28,461 ♪ Why don't you Put that fuckin' phone down? ♪ 656 00:26:49,524 --> 00:26:51,443 - Fathouse. - [light bulb buzzing]