1
00:00:07,924 --> 00:00:09,342
[knife slashes]
2
00:00:10,343 --> 00:00:11,720
[gasping]
3
00:00:13,388 --> 00:00:15,098
What... what is this place?
4
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:17,684
Oh, squeezy vines.
5
00:00:17,767 --> 00:00:19,144
[hissing]
6
00:00:19,227 --> 00:00:23,064
I've been sssslithering around
in tight jeansss all day.
7
00:00:23,148 --> 00:00:25,608
- You have?
- And now I'm hungry.
8
00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:28,611
- For me?
- No. Nachossss.
9
00:00:29,195 --> 00:00:32,073
- [yells] I'm not Nachos.
- [Vagina] Whoa. Hi, hello.
10
00:00:32,157 --> 00:00:33,033
Oh, hi.
11
00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:34,593
- What were you dreaming about?
- Oh...
12
00:00:34,617 --> 00:00:38,288
There was this... snake in jeans,
and he kinda had a good body.
13
00:00:38,371 --> 00:00:40,749
Ooh! Are you awake
and ready to play-ay-ay-ay?
14
00:00:40,832 --> 00:00:41,833
Play? Play what?
15
00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:45,420
Jessi Glaser, come on down!
16
00:00:45,503 --> 00:00:46,796
- [applause]
- What the...
17
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,549
You're the next contestant
on Do the Thing,
18
00:00:49,632 --> 00:00:51,801
everyone's favorite game show
where you rub me
19
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:53,386
until something awesome happens.
20
00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:57,140
Ooh! You playin' Do the Thing!
Go, Jessi! That's my baby.
21
00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:58,933
Um... okay.
22
00:00:59,017 --> 00:01:00,935
[Connie] The Yodeler? I love this one.
23
00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:02,604
Wait, how do I even play this?
24
00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:04,355
Well, the better you make me feel,
25
00:01:04,439 --> 00:01:06,858
the quicker Heidi climbs the Alps, so...
26
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:10,487
[all] Let's touch our genitals!
27
00:01:10,570 --> 00:01:12,030
- Yeah!
- Okay.
28
00:01:12,113 --> 00:01:13,448
Okay. So... All right, well,
29
00:01:13,531 --> 00:01:16,201
- what if I start like this, maybe, or...
- Oh, okay.
30
00:01:16,284 --> 00:01:18,369
That's a little pokey.
Not trying to squish a bug.
31
00:01:18,453 --> 00:01:21,247
- Sorry.
- Maybe try, uh, like, a little circle.
32
00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:23,416
Okay, um, so, like... like...
33
00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:25,752
[Connie] Oh, she's climbin'! Rub faster.
34
00:01:25,835 --> 00:01:27,295
Nope, nope. Too many fingers.
35
00:01:27,378 --> 00:01:30,757
Okay, okay!
Should I do, like, a flat, open palm or...
36
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:32,818
- Yeah, no, it's not a steering wheel.
- I'm sorry.
37
00:01:32,842 --> 00:01:35,112
You're not a cool mom
trying to get out of a parking spot.
38
00:01:35,136 --> 00:01:37,430
- Hey!
- [woman] Oh, no, she didn't!
39
00:01:37,514 --> 00:01:41,101
- Okay, okay. How about like this?
- Oh. Oh, that's not bad.
40
00:01:41,184 --> 00:01:42,519
♪ Yodel-ey-ee-ooh ♪
41
00:01:42,602 --> 00:01:43,978
Is it gonna yodel the whole time?
42
00:01:44,062 --> 00:01:48,233
Don't give up, baby, you gotta get
that singin' vagina out of Nazi territory.
43
00:01:48,316 --> 00:01:51,528
That's too much pressure.
You know what, ugh, let's not do this.
44
00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:53,113
- Aw!
- [audience groaning]
45
00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:57,033
Oh, Jessi, you were doing it for a second.
I mean, not well, but...
46
00:01:57,117 --> 00:02:00,203
Okay, I'm sorry, but it just feels like
nothing is good enough for you.
47
00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:03,540
- Ladies, we are getting off track here.
- Yeah, but she's so sensitive.
48
00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:05,143
- Would you prefer a numb vagina?
- No!
49
00:02:05,208 --> 00:02:07,436
- I can make that happen.
- Just forget it, I have to pee.
50
00:02:07,460 --> 00:02:10,296
Fine. Can you please remember to wipe
front to back this time?
51
00:02:10,380 --> 00:02:12,820
- Oh, my God. I know how to wipe! Bye.
- I don't think you do.
52
00:02:12,882 --> 00:02:15,426
[Shannon] Oh! Oh, God, Dina!
53
00:02:15,510 --> 00:02:16,553
[screaming]
54
00:02:16,636 --> 00:02:19,389
Jesus! Is that what's supposed to happen?
55
00:02:19,722 --> 00:02:23,143
Yeah. Sounds like your momma
just won an orgasm.
56
00:02:23,226 --> 00:02:26,813
- Ugh.
- And... a brand-new Jet Ski!
57
00:02:26,896 --> 00:02:29,941
It's like a motorcycle
for the water, baby.
58
00:02:32,318 --> 00:02:37,949
♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪
59
00:02:41,828 --> 00:02:47,584
♪ I'm goin' through changes ♪
60
00:02:48,042 --> 00:02:50,295
♪ Oh, in my life ♪
61
00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:54,716
♪ Oh, ooh, ooh ♪
62
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:04,142
[buzzing]
63
00:03:04,225 --> 00:03:06,352
Oh, what's this? Oh, God, Maury.
64
00:03:06,477 --> 00:03:08,038
- Maury!
- Uh, wh... what is it? I'm awake.
65
00:03:08,062 --> 00:03:09,314
- Well, Cherry...
- Your cousin.
66
00:03:09,397 --> 00:03:11,858
Ah, who I choose to see
as a vivacious young woman
67
00:03:11,941 --> 00:03:13,502
- and not a blood relative.
- Fair enough.
68
00:03:13,526 --> 00:03:15,486
She's done me the great honor
of texting me this.
69
00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:17,113
Hachi-machi.
70
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:18,489
Looks like two marshmallows
71
00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:21,451
trying to squeeze their way through
a graham-ed cracker.
72
00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:24,370
Yeah, those marshmallows are impatient,
yet delicious.
73
00:03:24,454 --> 00:03:25,330
How do we respond?
74
00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:28,124
Andrew, you know how I always pitch
sending a dick pic?
75
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,084
Even to that email
from Planned Parenthood.
76
00:03:30,168 --> 00:03:32,045
- Come on, you know they party.
- Maury...
77
00:03:32,128 --> 00:03:33,880
Well, this time
it's actually appropriate.
78
00:03:33,963 --> 00:03:35,298
- No, still not.
- [sighs]
79
00:03:35,381 --> 00:03:37,592
Shall we consult the manual?
80
00:03:37,675 --> 00:03:40,511
- Let's see, Foreskin Dos and Don'ts...
- I'm cut.
81
00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:42,555
What to Say to a Grieving Penis...
82
00:03:42,639 --> 00:03:44,515
I'm gonna lick my finger now
to turn the page.
83
00:03:44,599 --> 00:03:47,936
Here we go, cleavage pic gets...
a dick pic in return.
84
00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:51,397
Ugh, I just can't see myself
taking a picture of my member.
85
00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:54,859
Well, it does say, if there's no nip,
an abs pic will suffice.
86
00:03:54,943 --> 00:03:59,155
Ah! I mean, if that's what the lady wants,
then... abs-solutely.
87
00:03:59,239 --> 00:04:00,073
Uh-huh.
88
00:04:00,156 --> 00:04:02,700
I'll just crop out the abs-cess
under my left breast.
89
00:04:02,784 --> 00:04:05,036
- You really need to get that checked out.
- I know.
90
00:04:05,703 --> 00:04:07,163
Come on, Jay, we're late.
91
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,183
Bye, Duke. Thanks for letting me
saw you in half, bro.
92
00:04:09,207 --> 00:04:12,752
No problem, but don't forget to put me
back together when you come home.
93
00:04:12,835 --> 00:04:15,171
♪ I miss my wisp ♪
94
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,090
- Oh, shit, let me get in on that.
- [laughs]
95
00:04:17,215 --> 00:04:21,052
Okay, well, when you're done hugging
a ghost and his ass, I'll be in the car.
96
00:04:21,135 --> 00:04:22,387
[sobbing]
97
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:25,223
Mom, what's wrong?
98
00:04:25,306 --> 00:04:26,683
Dina broke up with me.
99
00:04:26,766 --> 00:04:31,187
Really? You sounded pretty, um...
together this morning?
100
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,523
Eatin' on each other's pussy and whatnot.
101
00:04:33,606 --> 00:04:38,695
She said she wanted to be single
for her Ani DiFranco river cruise.
102
00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:42,490
Yuck. Okay, you know what, Mom?
Dina sucks, and you're...
103
00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:44,575
- you're good.
- Really?
104
00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:47,161
Just me. Forgot
my drinking pouch of kombucha.
105
00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:48,955
- Jessi...
- Hi.
106
00:04:49,038 --> 00:04:50,957
It's been an honor. [sighs]
107
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:54,585
Ah, closure.
And the dance continues, does it not?
108
00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:56,921
See, she sucks.
109
00:04:57,005 --> 00:04:59,007
[sobbing]
110
00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:01,552
[Jay] Nick, thanks for letting me
borrow clothes.
111
00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:04,488
It's so nice to wear somethin'
that doesn't smell like my brother's nuts.
112
00:05:04,512 --> 00:05:06,615
I didn't let you borrow them,
my mom gave them to you.
113
00:05:06,639 --> 00:05:08,284
- Since I'm not wearing underwear...
- Ugh.
114
00:05:08,308 --> 00:05:11,394
your zipper is
basically tattooing my sack.
115
00:05:11,477 --> 00:05:12,562
- [Nick] Ew.
- [Diane] Boys.
116
00:05:12,645 --> 00:05:15,231
- Don't forget your lunches.
- Well, this is funny, Mama D.
117
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:18,985
- Don't call her Mama D.
- I actually made you a lunch as well.
118
00:05:19,068 --> 00:05:21,195
- ♪ Ta-da! ♪
- Oh, how thoughtful.
119
00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:24,574
- "Oh, how thoughtful."
- Nick, can I talk to you for a second?
120
00:05:24,657 --> 00:05:25,657
I don't know, can you?
121
00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:29,370
[sighs] I know it's difficult
having Jay around all the time...
122
00:05:29,454 --> 00:05:31,956
Oh, do you, Mom? Last night
he asked to borrow one of my hats
123
00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,458
'cause he had to go number four.
124
00:05:33,541 --> 00:05:36,169
- Yes, I am taking him to the doctor.
- What is number four, Mom?
125
00:05:36,252 --> 00:05:38,713
It's a little bit of a barf combo,
with a shart...
126
00:05:38,796 --> 00:05:40,631
- Oh, Jesus.
- Mixed with a little pee-pee.
127
00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:42,943
- And he showed it to you?
- I'm a mother. I can handle it.
128
00:05:42,967 --> 00:05:44,302
And now he's making you lunches?
129
00:05:44,385 --> 00:05:46,721
This lunch is loose cornflakes,
130
00:05:46,804 --> 00:05:50,183
half a dill pickle, and a scrap of paper
that says "hamburger" on it.
131
00:05:50,266 --> 00:05:52,727
- You're welcome to it.
- I don't want the hamburger paper,
132
00:05:52,810 --> 00:05:55,021
I'm just saying
that this whole thing blows.
133
00:05:55,104 --> 00:05:56,397
I'll take the pickle.
134
00:05:57,315 --> 00:05:58,649
[school bell rings]
135
00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,902
What is the point of research papers?
136
00:06:00,985 --> 00:06:04,113
Every-thing's on Wikipedia,
and it's all completely accurate.
137
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:05,323
Well, I'm doing Joan of Arc.
138
00:06:05,406 --> 00:06:07,950
She was brilliant, so naturally,
everyone called her crazy.
139
00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:09,410
Well, I'm gonna do Charles Darwin.
140
00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:11,120
Ah! Charles Darwin.
141
00:06:11,204 --> 00:06:13,790
Survival of the fittest, evolution,
the Galapagos...
142
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:15,583
Married his cousin, yeah, it's all there,
143
00:06:15,666 --> 00:06:17,561
- and it's all equally important.
- Andrew, hush.
144
00:06:17,585 --> 00:06:19,104
- They bred and there were...
- Andrew...
145
00:06:19,128 --> 00:06:20,856
- minimal problems with the children.
- This...
146
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:24,258
I'm doing my report on my new best friend,
Duke Ellington.
147
00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:26,636
Jay, what the fuck are you talking about?
Duke's mine.
148
00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:29,013
- Whoa, are you saying you own him?
- What?
149
00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:31,391
- That is super hashtag problematic.
- Jay...
150
00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:34,477
John Oliver is gonna
fucking torch you, bro.
151
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,229
Fine. You know what, everybody?
152
00:06:36,312 --> 00:06:38,481
I'm gonna do my report on Harry Houdini.
153
00:06:38,564 --> 00:06:42,819
What? No! You can't even begin
to understand the father of modern magic.
154
00:06:42,902 --> 00:06:44,320
Oh, is that who he was?
155
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:48,324
I thought he was, like, a ballerina who
cried a lot and had a huge, weird butt.
156
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,368
That... What? No, you can't... What? No!
157
00:06:50,451 --> 00:06:52,328
- Too late, Jay.
- His butt was perfect.
158
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,956
I'm doing Harry Houdini,
the emotionally fragile...
159
00:06:55,039 --> 00:06:58,251
- [screams]
- ...and famously thicc male ballerina.
160
00:06:58,334 --> 00:06:59,710
- [roars]
- [rumbling]
161
00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:02,422
It is nothing for me to gain mass.
162
00:07:02,505 --> 00:07:03,505
[cicadas chirping]
163
00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:05,299
- Psst, Jessi.
- What?
164
00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:09,387
- Let's play Do the Thing again.
- Ugh, I don't know if I wanna play.
165
00:07:09,470 --> 00:07:10,763
I'm not great at that game.
166
00:07:10,847 --> 00:07:12,515
- Aw.
- I don't even know how to win.
167
00:07:12,598 --> 00:07:15,560
Win? You mean have an orgasm?
168
00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:18,271
- Ugh, don't say that word.
- Would you rather I said climax?
169
00:07:18,354 --> 00:07:19,480
- No.
- Full release?
170
00:07:19,564 --> 00:07:20,644
- No thanks.
- Pussy scream?
171
00:07:20,690 --> 00:07:22,733
Nope! Okay, let's stick with orgasm.
172
00:07:23,401 --> 00:07:24,902
And while we're speaking plainly,
173
00:07:24,986 --> 00:07:28,489
- so when I put my hand to my vagina...
- Mm-hm... Right...
174
00:07:28,573 --> 00:07:30,450
...it feels... medical.
175
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:33,244
Well, jeez Louise,
when you talk about it like that,
176
00:07:33,327 --> 00:07:35,663
- takes all the bubbles out my soda pop.
- Sorry.
177
00:07:35,746 --> 00:07:38,833
Besides, there's more than one way
to do it.
178
00:07:38,916 --> 00:07:40,126
- Oh. All right.
- Joojle it.
179
00:07:40,209 --> 00:07:42,378
- I think it's Google. Here we go, okay.
- It's Joojle.
180
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:45,256
"How to have an orgasm."
181
00:07:45,339 --> 00:07:47,550
All right, well,
here's an article in Good Housekeeping.
182
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:49,093
Ew, that sounds like work.
183
00:07:49,177 --> 00:07:51,888
[gasps] Look over there,
Bethany's First Orgasm.
184
00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:53,131
Right, but that looks porn-y.
185
00:07:53,181 --> 00:07:56,517
- And that's why we are interested?
- I guess we are, huh. All right.
186
00:07:56,601 --> 00:08:00,271
- [moaning]
- Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God...
187
00:08:00,354 --> 00:08:02,690
This is my first orgasm!
188
00:08:02,773 --> 00:08:04,358
It's nice that they got her balloons.
189
00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:06,444
Why don't you put down that vibrator?
190
00:08:06,527 --> 00:08:08,070
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
191
00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:12,492
- Yeah.
- Oh! This is my first orgasm again!
192
00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:13,868
[squeals]
193
00:08:13,951 --> 00:08:18,414
Okay, okay. Um, I know
we're supposed to believe women,
194
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:21,334
but if I'm being honest, I don't think
that was Bethany's first orgasm.
195
00:08:21,417 --> 00:08:22,960
- And it seemed fake, right?
- Yeah.
196
00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:25,421
But you know what didn't seem fake?
That big ol' dick.
197
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,798
Is that thing supposed to go inside you?
198
00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:29,342
Listen, I do not know.
199
00:08:29,425 --> 00:08:32,553
To me, it looked like an anaconda
that ate a calzone,
200
00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:35,473
and inside the calzone
was a huge fuckin' dick.
201
00:08:35,723 --> 00:08:36,933
[buzzing]
202
00:08:37,558 --> 00:08:39,977
- [gasps] She wrote back to my hot abs pic.
- Hooray!
203
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:41,687
"That's it, question mark"?
204
00:08:41,771 --> 00:08:43,051
- Hmmmm...
- What does that mean?
205
00:08:43,105 --> 00:08:45,942
I think it means she wants
a picture of your dick-ture.
206
00:08:46,025 --> 00:08:50,238
A snapshot of your fat cock.
A portrait mode of your rockin' chode.
207
00:08:50,321 --> 00:08:52,716
- Well, I wouldn't say I have a chode.
- Whatever. Just do it.
208
00:08:52,740 --> 00:08:54,575
- But it could go so badly.
- Come on.
209
00:08:54,659 --> 00:08:57,286
I mean, what if she sees it
and she... she hates it?
210
00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:03,000
[laughing] Oh, my God! Andrew Glouberman
has the worst dick in the world.
211
00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:04,252
[all giggling]
212
00:09:04,335 --> 00:09:06,254
Y'all wanna put this chode
on the worldwide?
213
00:09:06,337 --> 00:09:09,173
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
People send dick pics all the time.
214
00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:11,467
I just received one
from Olympian Shaun White.
215
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,737
What if I just sent her a picture
of Shaun White's dick?
216
00:09:13,761 --> 00:09:15,888
What, are you crazy?
His dick's too freckly,
217
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:18,599
the pubes are bright red, and he hung
one of his medals on it.
218
00:09:18,683 --> 00:09:20,226
Oh, my God, what is wrong with him?
219
00:09:20,309 --> 00:09:22,103
- It's all ego with that guy.
- Huh.
220
00:09:22,186 --> 00:09:24,105
- Let's go.
- Okay. I'll do it.
221
00:09:24,188 --> 00:09:26,440
But only because I want
to arouse my cousin.
222
00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:28,109
Ugh, I just got the chills.
223
00:09:28,192 --> 00:09:30,486
You know how hard it is to gross out
a hormone monster?
224
00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:36,409
So, if you ask me,
Harry Houdini was Harry Houdi-neat.
225
00:09:36,492 --> 00:09:39,829
Okay, nailed the last line,
now I just gotta work my way backwards.
226
00:09:39,912 --> 00:09:40,912
[distant laughter]
227
00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:43,291
- [laughing] Classic Duke.
- Ya-da-da.
228
00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:45,418
Oh, my God, I'm having so much fun.
229
00:09:45,501 --> 00:09:47,837
Uh... What's, uh...
What's so funny up here?
230
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:50,923
I'm just workin' on my report.
Did you know that Duke was a prankster?
231
00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:55,094
I once took a very important screw
out of Buddy Holly's plane.
232
00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:56,262
- [chuckles]
- Up top.
233
00:09:56,345 --> 00:09:58,105
Duke, why didn't you ever tell me
that story?
234
00:09:58,180 --> 00:09:59,348
You never asked.
235
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:02,351
- You only ever wanna talk about yourself.
- Typical Nick.
236
00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:05,855
♪ He's a selfish little prick
and his name is Nick ♪
237
00:10:05,938 --> 00:10:08,983
♪ And he's got a sweet pair
of dick-suckin' lips ♪
238
00:10:09,066 --> 00:10:10,066
[both laugh]
239
00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:11,360
He really does.
240
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:13,529
Hey, guys, nobody likes to be objectified.
241
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:14,655
- Do better.
- What?
242
00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:18,492
You can't compliment a child
on his dick-suckin' lips anymore?
243
00:10:18,784 --> 00:10:22,538
All right, how do I get my dick, my face,
and the newspaper in one shot?
244
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:24,165
And why is the newspaper important?
245
00:10:24,248 --> 00:10:26,088
It looks like you're holding
your dick hostage.
246
00:10:26,167 --> 00:10:28,586
I want her to know
that I took it today, idiot.
247
00:10:28,669 --> 00:10:30,921
Just take the pic, you can't go wrong.
248
00:10:31,005 --> 00:10:33,424
- So this one went wrong.
- I look ridiculous.
249
00:10:33,507 --> 00:10:35,760
Forget it. I'm just gonna
send her a nice thank-you note.
250
00:10:35,843 --> 00:10:38,179
Andrew, wait. You may have bad skin...
251
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:43,559
bad hair, bad arms, terrible legs,
a weird, lumbering gait...
252
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:46,812
- Okay...
- But you, you, Andrew Glouberman,
253
00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:49,023
have a good dick, goddamn it.
254
00:10:49,106 --> 00:10:51,901
I just wish you could see your dick
the way I do.
255
00:10:51,984 --> 00:10:55,863
Then show me, Maury.
Show me my dick through your eyes.
256
00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:58,074
[dance music plays]
257
00:10:58,157 --> 00:11:00,993
All right, I want you to imagine
your dick has a secret.
258
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,578
Okay. Like... You like that?
259
00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:03,913
What does he know, Andrew?
260
00:11:03,996 --> 00:11:05,873
♪ He'll never tell! ♪
261
00:11:05,956 --> 00:11:08,196
- What do I do with my hands?
- Hold it. Hold your penis.
262
00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:10,145
- And my other hand?
- Keep it in there for scale.
263
00:11:10,169 --> 00:11:13,631
Okay, now shake your dick.
Loosely. Loosely. Now shake it fast...
264
00:11:13,714 --> 00:11:15,400
- Okay.
- Get that dick off you, it's poison.
265
00:11:15,424 --> 00:11:17,069
Do I shake my butt with my dick?
I don't...
266
00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:18,386
- Okay.
- Your dick is poison.
267
00:11:18,469 --> 00:11:20,179
Who the fuck am I? Who am I?
268
00:11:20,262 --> 00:11:22,056
I'm Andrew Glouberman's dick. Uh.
269
00:11:22,139 --> 00:11:23,683
How about some funny glasses on it?
270
00:11:23,766 --> 00:11:24,975
I don't do that kind of thing.
271
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:27,412
Yeah, it's stupid, I didn't want it,
the agency wanted it...
272
00:11:27,436 --> 00:11:29,373
I know my dick's funny,
so I don't like to take...
273
00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:31,997
Right, but we thought it'd be funnier.
But, no, I get it, I agree.
274
00:11:32,274 --> 00:11:35,111
Oh, I'll have a third champagne if it...
I dunno, okay.
275
00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:36,779
Smile, but with your penis.
276
00:11:36,862 --> 00:11:39,615
- [grunting]
- Hold it, hold it. Yeah, baby.
277
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,760
- Oh, that was perfect.
- That was good?
278
00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:45,329
You're honestly a natural.
Have you done this before?
279
00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:47,248
- No, people say it's illegal.
- Yeah.
280
00:11:47,456 --> 00:11:51,252
[sighs] Maybe I'm just gonna be
one of those women who can't have orgasms.
281
00:11:51,335 --> 00:11:52,615
It's more common than you think.
282
00:11:52,670 --> 00:11:55,256
Come on, you've only tried one method.
283
00:11:55,339 --> 00:11:59,093
Remember that porno girl
with the dope-ass vibrator?
284
00:11:59,176 --> 00:12:00,261
That part was compelling.
285
00:12:00,344 --> 00:12:04,682
You know, vibrators been helpin' women
for over one hundred years.
286
00:12:04,765 --> 00:12:06,016
- Really?
- Joojle it!
287
00:12:06,100 --> 00:12:07,100
Okay!
288
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,354
"Some scholars trace
the invention of the vibrator
289
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:13,649
to 19th-century doctor Joseph Granville."
290
00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:16,360
Ooh, I was hoping we'd do this.
291
00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:19,363
Mrs. Thompson here suffers
from female hysteria.
292
00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:20,281
What is this?
293
00:12:20,364 --> 00:12:23,659
Lately, she has become willful
and disobedient. She keeps saying,
294
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:27,872
"Oh, I want the right to vote, I want
to work outside the home!" [chuckles]
295
00:12:27,955 --> 00:12:30,040
- She's very ill.
- How is this related to vibrators?
296
00:12:30,124 --> 00:12:31,333
Sh, wait for it. It's comin'.
297
00:12:31,417 --> 00:12:35,045
Now, in order to cure her,
we must induce hysterical paroxysm
298
00:12:35,129 --> 00:12:37,465
- using this incredible new device.
- [engine chugging]
299
00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:39,759
- [moaning]
- What the...
300
00:12:39,842 --> 00:12:42,553
So, hysterical paroxysm is...
301
00:12:42,636 --> 00:12:45,014
[Mrs. Thompson]
This is my first orgasm! [laughs]
302
00:12:45,097 --> 00:12:46,682
Okay, now, her I believe.
303
00:12:46,766 --> 00:12:49,435
Behold, vibration for women's health.
304
00:12:49,518 --> 00:12:50,728
I want to be healthy.
305
00:12:50,811 --> 00:12:53,939
I am a lover of health
and of healthy things too.
306
00:12:54,023 --> 00:12:57,443
Well, from a sociological perspective,
this is fucked up.
307
00:12:57,526 --> 00:12:59,570
- But she seems happy, I guess?
- Yeah.
308
00:12:59,737 --> 00:13:01,947
And now they make
vibrators that are waterproof.
309
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:03,616
You can bring it to your public pool.
310
00:13:03,699 --> 00:13:05,367
Mm... nah.
311
00:13:06,118 --> 00:13:08,746
And now, if you'll all look
underneath your plates,
312
00:13:08,829 --> 00:13:11,081
you will find... dessert is served.
313
00:13:11,165 --> 00:13:14,376
Ooh, exactly what I wanted,
rosemary sorbet.
314
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:16,128
I got another... hamburger.
315
00:13:16,212 --> 00:13:18,506
Well, I saw how much
you enjoyed the first one.
316
00:13:18,589 --> 00:13:20,090
Monkey brains? Nice.
317
00:13:20,174 --> 00:13:21,926
Aww, I don't wanna say what mine is.
318
00:13:22,009 --> 00:13:23,594
- Leah...
- All right, fine.
319
00:13:23,677 --> 00:13:26,096
I got "good booby cake"?
320
00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:28,057
It's prepared in one of your bras.
321
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:30,893
Ooh, sounds delicious.
Do you wanna trade for rosemary sorbet?
322
00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:33,270
Why are you humoring this psychopath?
323
00:13:33,354 --> 00:13:34,980
It's just pieces of paper.
324
00:13:35,064 --> 00:13:38,317
And you guys are all playing along
because he's so pathetic.
325
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,027
Nicholas Arsenio Birch.
326
00:13:40,110 --> 00:13:42,863
Jay is just trying to do
something nice for our family.
327
00:13:42,947 --> 00:13:45,699
My family. Not his. I don't want him here.
328
00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:48,285
He's barely house-broken. He's an animal.
329
00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:50,538
Wow, Nick, that really hurts.
330
00:13:50,621 --> 00:13:52,289
You haven't even looked at your dessert.
331
00:13:52,373 --> 00:13:53,666
Fine. It says,
332
00:13:53,749 --> 00:13:55,751
"Even though you just called me an animal,
333
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:59,463
you still get chocolate cake
cause you're my brother, best friend"?
334
00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:00,547
♪ Ta-da... ♪
335
00:14:00,589 --> 00:14:02,341
- [all] Aww.
- Magic!
336
00:14:02,424 --> 00:14:05,511
- How did he do that?
- Oh, fuck you, Jay.
337
00:14:06,011 --> 00:14:07,388
- Mm?
- [Diane] Aww!
338
00:14:07,471 --> 00:14:08,472
Brilliant.
339
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:10,891
Wow. Wow, they're all... they're all great.
340
00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:12,601
Everyone at the agency's very happy.
341
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:13,954
- Oh, what about this one?
- Sure.
342
00:14:13,978 --> 00:14:15,539
- Want me to do a little Photoshop?
- Oh.
343
00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:18,315
Maybe add some veins,
make it a little longer and thinner?
344
00:14:18,399 --> 00:14:21,235
- Oh, why? Do you think it looks...
- Chode-ish? No, not at all.
345
00:14:21,318 --> 00:14:24,446
- No, yeah, I think we just use it as is.
- The natural look. I love it!
346
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:27,116
Who cares if it's oddly short and wide?
347
00:14:27,199 --> 00:14:29,493
I guess all that's left
to do now is, uh...
348
00:14:29,577 --> 00:14:33,205
send a picture of my dick
to my father's brother's daughter.
349
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:34,582
Indeed. Shall we?
350
00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:36,834
- [chanting]
- [both sigh]
351
00:14:36,917 --> 00:14:38,961
- Lamb of God, Adonai...
- Huh?
352
00:14:39,044 --> 00:14:40,129
- ...and Allah...
- Mm.
353
00:14:40,212 --> 00:14:43,549
...please bless Sweet Andy's dick
on its journey. Amen.
354
00:14:43,632 --> 00:14:46,218
Now we select, and we send.
355
00:14:46,302 --> 00:14:47,136
Godspeed.
356
00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:49,430
Hey, man, I didn't know
you were, uh, religious?
357
00:14:49,513 --> 00:14:52,391
Well, I'm more spiritual.
I'm open to talking about it, if...
358
00:14:52,474 --> 00:14:53,767
Oh, I really don't want to.
359
00:14:53,851 --> 00:14:54,935
[knocking]
360
00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:55,853
[creaks]
361
00:14:55,936 --> 00:14:59,857
Hello? Bilzerians? Anyone home?
362
00:14:59,940 --> 00:15:03,527
Look, I... I... I need you guys
to take Jay back. He's kinda...
363
00:15:03,611 --> 00:15:05,946
[screams] Oh, my God, help! Help!
364
00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:07,615
Oh, shit, what's going on?
365
00:15:07,698 --> 00:15:09,033
[barking]
366
00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:10,451
Ruff. Rumming. Coming.
367
00:15:10,534 --> 00:15:11,702
They're coming.
368
00:15:11,785 --> 00:15:13,787
- Oh, no.
- [cackling]
369
00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:17,708
Huh, Spencer's Gifts really does have
everything.
370
00:15:17,791 --> 00:15:20,294
Look, it's a Fast and the Furious
tea kettle.
371
00:15:20,377 --> 00:15:23,464
[kettle] Hey, I'm Vin Tea-sel.
And it's all about family.
372
00:15:23,547 --> 00:15:25,090
Yeah, that's a really cool tea kettle.
373
00:15:25,215 --> 00:15:27,176
Oh, but hey, what's this over here?
374
00:15:27,259 --> 00:15:29,637
Adult toys? Watch out.
375
00:15:30,387 --> 00:15:32,431
Have you ever, uh... indulged?
376
00:15:32,514 --> 00:15:34,016
[chuckles] Smooth transition.
377
00:15:34,099 --> 00:15:37,353
Uh, no. I mostly use my imagination.
378
00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:38,812
And I have a Glo Worm
379
00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:41,148
and a bath faucet
that really gets the job done.
380
00:15:41,231 --> 00:15:42,775
Oh, of course, yeah. But, like...
381
00:15:42,983 --> 00:15:47,071
how do you know...
when the... job is... done?
382
00:15:47,488 --> 00:15:51,408
Well... sometimes, um,
when I'm, um, pleasuring myself,
383
00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:56,246
it starts to build, and then
the coordinates all line up just right,
384
00:15:56,330 --> 00:15:59,166
and then boom, I'm in hyper speed.
385
00:15:59,249 --> 00:16:02,878
And I'm just floating around
in weightless bliss, kind of. You know...
386
00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:04,004
what I mean?
387
00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:06,090
- Uh...
- You don't know.
388
00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:07,758
That's why you gotta buy...
389
00:16:07,841 --> 00:16:12,304
- A Harry Potter vibrator?
- Ooh, it's got a phoenix-feather core.
390
00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:14,139
- That sounds promising.
- Nope.
391
00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:17,309
Not walkin' up to the counter
and purchasing a huge vibrator
392
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:19,228
- from a dude with ear gauges.
- [buzzing]
393
00:16:19,311 --> 00:16:20,187
Oh, shit.
394
00:16:20,270 --> 00:16:22,064
[male voice] Accio Clitoris.
395
00:16:22,147 --> 00:16:25,067
- Wingardium Labiosa.
- Who on earth would want this thing?
396
00:16:25,150 --> 00:16:27,736
And I guess it's me.
I'm puttin' it in my pocket.
397
00:16:29,113 --> 00:16:30,906
♪ Magic queer! ♪
398
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,242
♪ Come out and gay! ♪
399
00:16:33,325 --> 00:16:34,159
Oh.
400
00:16:34,243 --> 00:16:36,370
Oh, God. No, please don't... [gabbles]
401
00:16:36,453 --> 00:16:38,414
- What the fuck? You're not Jay.
- Oh!
402
00:16:38,497 --> 00:16:40,624
So you... Wh... You made this trap for Jay?
403
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:44,545
Yeah, he's been holed up at your house,
thinking he's all fancy, like Tony Hawk.
404
00:16:44,628 --> 00:16:47,673
Ooh, I'm so jealous,
can I visit your house?
405
00:16:47,756 --> 00:16:50,384
- Do you have. like, plates or whatever?
- [chuckles] Yeah!
406
00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:53,721
Yeah, we have... some plates.
Not... not a ton. A-anyway,
407
00:16:53,804 --> 00:16:55,931
this has been, you know, a real pleasure.
408
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:57,766
But... but I think I'm just gonna head out?
409
00:16:57,850 --> 00:17:00,561
Whoa, whoa, whoa, not so fast, plate boy.
410
00:17:00,644 --> 00:17:03,313
We got a taser, and we need some nuts
to shoot it at.
411
00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:05,816
- [chuckling]
- No! [sobbing]
412
00:17:05,899 --> 00:17:06,734
No.
413
00:17:06,817 --> 00:17:08,318
- Whoa, did he just...
- [barking]
414
00:17:08,402 --> 00:17:10,946
Shut up, you stupid fucking dog. Oh, no.
415
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:11,947
[grunts]
416
00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:15,034
- Oh, God, you're so heavy.
- Don't you dare tell Jay about that trap.
417
00:17:15,868 --> 00:17:16,702
[barking]
418
00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:18,746
Rrovv. Rrover. Over.
419
00:17:18,829 --> 00:17:20,581
My nightmare is over.
420
00:17:22,332 --> 00:17:23,417
[Connie] It's okay, sugar.
421
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:25,669
They sell vibrators on the internet too.
422
00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:28,756
[gasps] Ooh, this one's two bucks,
and it's called Pussy Stick.
423
00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:32,301
Okay, I'm not using my mom's credit card
to buy a budget dildo.
424
00:17:32,384 --> 00:17:33,384
Oh.
425
00:17:33,677 --> 00:17:34,970
Hey... Nick's friend.
426
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,973
Um, yeah, hi-llo... My name's actually...
427
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,558
Jessi. I know your name, Jessi.
428
00:17:39,641 --> 00:17:41,852
- Uh...
- Hey, girl, what's goin' on up there?
429
00:17:41,935 --> 00:17:43,979
That's me. You know my name, Jessi Glaser.
430
00:17:44,104 --> 00:17:46,732
Glaserdisc.
Of the East Coast Glaserdiscs, obviously.
431
00:17:46,815 --> 00:17:49,735
- What?
- From New York. You know, New Yawk!
432
00:17:49,818 --> 00:17:52,071
- [laughs]
- Jessi, you havin' a stroke, girl?
433
00:17:52,154 --> 00:17:54,198
Who are you talking to?
'Cause I am schvitzing.
434
00:17:54,281 --> 00:17:57,534
S... I'm so sorry. You know,
I'm just headed home so..., good-ios.
435
00:17:57,618 --> 00:18:00,788
- What are you talking about?
- Adiós, I mean. Yo hablo español.
436
00:18:00,871 --> 00:18:01,955
Oh, for fuck's sake.
437
00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:04,833
- Sorry, I'm trying to get out of my way.
- Uh... Move.
438
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:07,169
- Ohhh, he's moving you.
- Thank you.
439
00:18:07,252 --> 00:18:10,005
- Sniff the boy musk! Huff it now!
- Later.
440
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,091
Um, hello, down here, behind your zipper.
441
00:18:12,174 --> 00:18:13,454
Someone tell me what's going on!
442
00:18:13,509 --> 00:18:15,677
Bye, chill out, see you later. Oh.
443
00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:19,181
Jessie Glaserdisc. I will not be ignored.
444
00:18:19,264 --> 00:18:22,101
I'm just kidding. But what is up?
I can feel your heartbeat in me.
445
00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:23,977
Oh, God, please shut up.
446
00:18:24,061 --> 00:18:26,313
Why hasn't she texted me back?
It's been minutes.
447
00:18:26,396 --> 00:18:29,983
I think she saw your glorious dick,
and, oh no, she had a heart attack.
448
00:18:30,067 --> 00:18:33,278
[Marty] Barbara, why'd you upload
all these pictures of pink mushrooms?
449
00:18:33,362 --> 00:18:35,131
- What?
- [Barbara] What are you talking about?
450
00:18:35,155 --> 00:18:36,990
- [Marty] I'm lookin' at the computer...
- No!
451
00:18:37,074 --> 00:18:39,618
- ...and I'm seeing dozens of... of, uh...
- No.
452
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:40,744
...hot dog ends?
453
00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:42,121
Oh, dear Lord, the dick pics.
454
00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:45,164
They're in the cloud. Did you put 'em
in the cloud? We're on a family plan.
455
00:18:45,207 --> 00:18:48,794
- [Barbara] Hold on, I'm coming to look.
- No, no, no! What do I do? What do I do?
456
00:18:48,877 --> 00:18:50,462
Marty, that's not a hot dog.
457
00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:53,549
That's a short, fat you-know-what
on a pair of human testicles.
458
00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:54,466
Andrew!
459
00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:56,260
We leave right now, start all over.
460
00:18:56,343 --> 00:18:57,678
I've got the fake passports,
461
00:18:57,761 --> 00:18:58,971
- Kenneth Proudfrog.
- What?
462
00:18:59,054 --> 00:19:01,557
You're a Native American
pool table salesman.
463
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:04,268
- I can't memorize all these details.
- You pervert.
464
00:19:04,351 --> 00:19:05,811
You took pictures of your thing?
465
00:19:05,894 --> 00:19:07,396
No. That's not me.
466
00:19:07,479 --> 00:19:09,189
Then how come your face is in this one?
467
00:19:09,273 --> 00:19:11,942
- Why, Andrew?
- [gasps] And my Newsday.
468
00:19:12,025 --> 00:19:14,653
I know that wiener. I powdered it.
469
00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:16,738
- [groans]
- That's it, I'm takin' these.
470
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:20,075
You used up all our data with your...
your thing shots.
471
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:21,302
- [phone buzzes]
- What's this?
472
00:19:21,326 --> 00:19:23,054
- A message from Cherry?
- No, uh, don't... No.
473
00:19:23,078 --> 00:19:25,831
[gasps] You sent this filth
to your cousin?
474
00:19:25,914 --> 00:19:27,416
No. What did she say?
475
00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:30,085
Andrew, are you trying to kill me?
476
00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:33,005
I'm ruined.
Yeah, that's right, I'm ruined.
477
00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:35,841
And I'll never know
if Cherry liked my picture.
478
00:19:35,924 --> 00:19:38,719
There, there, Andrew. I'm sure she didn't.
479
00:19:38,802 --> 00:19:40,804
Okay, group chat, ladies.
480
00:19:40,888 --> 00:19:42,097
Jessi, who was that voice?
481
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:45,559
From the moment I heard it, it was like
boom, Rainforest Cafe down here.
482
00:19:45,642 --> 00:19:46,643
[chuckles] Ca-caw!
483
00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:50,063
That was Judd. Judd makes her horny.
484
00:19:50,147 --> 00:19:53,650
Okay, okay, but he's Nick's brother
and he's so weird.
485
00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:55,152
Yeah, he might be weird.
486
00:19:55,235 --> 00:20:00,199
But you want him to push you up against
a dirty wall like a little old rag doll.
487
00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:01,158
Ugh, I don't know.
488
00:20:01,241 --> 00:20:04,161
When Judd's around,
she turns into Sig-horny Weaver.
489
00:20:04,244 --> 00:20:07,122
Hell, yeah. She's a horn-again Christian.
490
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:09,046
- [chuckles] Horn-again!
- Even though she Jew.
491
00:20:09,124 --> 00:20:11,004
Okay, I don't like this
for a number of reasons.
492
00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,794
But mainly, it's just so embarrassing.
493
00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:15,589
Aw, honey, don't be embarrassed.
Everybody gets turned on.
494
00:20:15,672 --> 00:20:17,549
Yeah, even those you might not expect.
495
00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:19,134
- Like Dame Judi Dench.
- Oof.
496
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:22,179
I bet her undies take a sponge bath
every now and again.
497
00:20:22,262 --> 00:20:23,722
[chuckling] I bet they do.
498
00:20:23,805 --> 00:20:27,643
Right, like, I guess they could call her,
like, Dame Judi Drench, right?
499
00:20:27,726 --> 00:20:29,853
- Yay!
- I told you she was funny.
500
00:20:29,937 --> 00:20:30,854
- Thanks.
- Now, ladies...
501
00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:34,274
let's talk about how Judd's BO
make me be like...
502
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:35,901
[howling]
503
00:20:35,984 --> 00:20:37,319
[howling echoes]
504
00:20:37,778 --> 00:20:39,196
- Hey.
- Hey.
505
00:20:39,279 --> 00:20:41,073
So, I went to your house.
506
00:20:41,156 --> 00:20:43,033
Oh, do you wanna live there?
507
00:20:43,116 --> 00:20:45,077
[laughs] Do a classic switcheroo?
508
00:20:45,160 --> 00:20:48,956
No, I wanna live here,
and I get why you do too. I mean...
509
00:20:49,039 --> 00:20:52,501
I guess what I'm trying to say is that
I'm sorry I've been an asshole.
510
00:20:52,584 --> 00:20:55,671
Well, I guess I'm sorry I took
a number five in your sock drawer.
511
00:20:55,754 --> 00:20:57,881
How many numbers come out of your body?
512
00:20:57,965 --> 00:21:00,217
Well, Nick, the numbers top off
in the thirties,
513
00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:02,177
but that's when the symbols start.
514
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,846
- I also took an asterisk in your closet.
- Okay.
515
00:21:04,930 --> 00:21:07,599
Well, I rescued your dog
from that hellhole.
516
00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:11,228
[gasps] Luda! Hey, buddy!
You are gonna love it here.
517
00:21:11,311 --> 00:21:13,522
[barks] Rrraaaid. Frrraid. Afraid.
518
00:21:13,605 --> 00:21:17,526
I'm afraid that if I can't be happy here,
then perhaps I'm the problem.
519
00:21:17,609 --> 00:21:21,363
Well, Nick, I've got someone
very special for you to meet, too.
520
00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:25,075
Nicholas Birch, meet the ghost
of Harry Houdini.
521
00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:26,410
♪ Ta-da! ♪
522
00:21:26,868 --> 00:21:28,787
Oh, Harry Houdini. Wow. Neat.
523
00:21:28,870 --> 00:21:30,706
Well, he's not as excited
as you said he'd be.
524
00:21:30,789 --> 00:21:32,249
You were right about him, Nick.
525
00:21:32,332 --> 00:21:33,917
He is emotionally fragile.
526
00:21:34,001 --> 00:21:35,881
Wanna punch me
in the stomach and kill me again?
527
00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:39,506
And he's got a big weird butt,
which rules.
528
00:21:39,589 --> 00:21:42,718
Uh-huh. Jay, would you like to do
your paper on Harry Houdini?
529
00:21:42,801 --> 00:21:45,554
What? Really? Oh, wait a minute, though,
what about Duke?
530
00:21:45,637 --> 00:21:48,390
Well, I'd actually love to do
my paper on him.
531
00:21:48,473 --> 00:21:49,808
If that's okay with you, Duke?
532
00:21:49,891 --> 00:21:54,271
Nick, I would be proud to be
the subject of your C-minus paper.
533
00:21:54,354 --> 00:21:55,731
[laughs]
534
00:21:57,983 --> 00:21:59,943
Hey, Mom, are you... okay?
535
00:22:00,027 --> 00:22:02,904
I guess. I don't know. I miss Dina.
536
00:22:02,988 --> 00:22:05,073
Oh. But, like... why?
537
00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:08,827
Well, she made me... feel things.
538
00:22:08,910 --> 00:22:11,079
And you'd never felt things before?
539
00:22:11,163 --> 00:22:15,292
No, I did, but for most of my life,
it was sorta like...
540
00:22:15,917 --> 00:22:17,711
You know the lazy river at the water park?
541
00:22:17,794 --> 00:22:19,880
- Sure, lazy river's a delight.
- Yeah, it's okay...
542
00:22:20,172 --> 00:22:23,425
the first hundred times,
but then it gets a little predictable.
543
00:22:23,508 --> 00:22:26,636
And after a while,
you'd rather just stay dry and read.
544
00:22:27,179 --> 00:22:28,013
Oh.
545
00:22:28,138 --> 00:22:31,391
But with Dina,
it was like... the log flume.
546
00:22:31,475 --> 00:22:35,812
You're going up, it's building,
you can't wait, and then...
547
00:22:36,396 --> 00:22:38,774
whoosh, you're screaming,
548
00:22:38,857 --> 00:22:41,818
you get soaked, your face is all twisted,
549
00:22:41,902 --> 00:22:44,404
but you just wanna get right back
on that ride.
550
00:22:45,739 --> 00:22:49,159
And now, I feel like I just can't go back
to the lazy river,
551
00:22:49,242 --> 00:22:50,243
you know what I'm saying?
552
00:22:50,327 --> 00:22:53,538
Um, I think you're saying
Dad was bad at sex?
553
00:22:53,622 --> 00:22:57,084
No! Well... we were bad at it together.
554
00:22:57,167 --> 00:22:58,794
I... I guess my point is,
555
00:22:58,877 --> 00:23:01,296
it's a long journey, and you should
try out different rides.
556
00:23:01,380 --> 00:23:03,048
Okay, I... I think I understand.
557
00:23:03,131 --> 00:23:05,675
But don't go to the water park
until you're in college.
558
00:23:05,759 --> 00:23:07,302
- Okay.
- And make sure you tinkle
559
00:23:07,386 --> 00:23:08,512
after every ride.
560
00:23:08,595 --> 00:23:10,555
Ugh, Jesus Christ, Mom,
okay, enough, I get it.
561
00:23:10,639 --> 00:23:13,558
You probably won't get
a better piece of advice in your life.
562
00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:16,645
[Andrew] My dearest cousin,
Father has locked me away.
563
00:23:16,770 --> 00:23:19,856
I fear we must accept our fate
as star-crossed lovers
564
00:23:19,940 --> 00:23:23,402
kept apart by state lines
and, dare I say, blood lines.
565
00:23:23,693 --> 00:23:27,030
I pray for the death of a family member,
that we may meet again
566
00:23:27,114 --> 00:23:28,448
at a Glouberman funeral.
567
00:23:28,532 --> 00:23:31,743
I have no camera, but here's a drawing
of me with today's newspaper.
568
00:23:32,035 --> 00:23:34,204
Your little pony, Andy.
569
00:23:34,371 --> 00:23:35,205
[sighs]
570
00:23:35,288 --> 00:23:36,968
It's been a real pleasure
working with you.
571
00:23:37,040 --> 00:23:39,560
- What are you doing?
- You're... you're not gonna kill yourself?
572
00:23:39,584 --> 00:23:42,045
- What? No.
- That wasn't a suicide note?
573
00:23:42,129 --> 00:23:43,505
You're just gonna go on living
574
00:23:43,588 --> 00:23:47,217
after your parents caught you
sending your cousin a dick pic?
575
00:23:47,300 --> 00:23:50,554
Yes, because no teenager
should kill themselves.
576
00:23:50,637 --> 00:23:53,890
God damn it, you are resilient.
It's unbelievable.
577
00:23:53,974 --> 00:23:55,142
- But they shouldn't!
- Yes!
578
00:23:55,225 --> 00:23:56,825
Yes, right, right, right. Netflix legal.
579
00:23:56,852 --> 00:23:58,979
No teenager should kill themselves,
580
00:23:59,062 --> 00:24:02,065
even though it makes
for captivating programming.
581
00:24:02,482 --> 00:24:03,316
[buzzing]
582
00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:06,987
Hm. That vibrator's
got a toothbrush on it.
583
00:24:07,112 --> 00:24:08,572
Really? You think I should?
584
00:24:08,697 --> 00:24:10,115
Hey, Vagina, you awake?
585
00:24:10,240 --> 00:24:11,575
Yeah, just had coffee. What's up?
586
00:24:11,700 --> 00:24:12,868
Mm, girls' trip!
587
00:24:12,993 --> 00:24:14,369
Whoo! Here we go!
588
00:24:14,494 --> 00:24:16,913
- [howling]
- Girls on a trip, that's a girls' trip.
589
00:24:17,497 --> 00:24:22,127
- Oh, this is cool, I like this.
- This horse is workin' for me.
590
00:24:22,210 --> 00:24:23,330
- Whoo-hoo!
- [knife slashes]
591
00:24:24,337 --> 00:24:28,967
So, this is the magic cave, and it says
in order to get to the treasure inside,
592
00:24:29,092 --> 00:24:31,553
we have to activate the jewel.
593
00:24:31,678 --> 00:24:33,318
- Not sure if this is right.
- [squeaking]
594
00:24:33,430 --> 00:24:35,891
- Oh, it's right, all right.
- I like the circular action.
595
00:24:36,016 --> 00:24:37,976
- I thought you might. I listen.
- [rumbling]
596
00:24:38,101 --> 00:24:40,854
I think we should go inside.
597
00:24:43,940 --> 00:24:47,235
I... I... I don't think
I'm supposed to be in this part.
598
00:24:47,777 --> 00:24:48,612
So...
599
00:24:48,695 --> 00:24:49,695
[panting]
600
00:24:50,238 --> 00:24:52,324
- Who was that?
- A mystery man. Let's get him.
601
00:24:53,533 --> 00:24:54,743
Come with me, Jessi.
602
00:24:54,868 --> 00:24:57,496
[gasps] It's Doctor Glaserdisc to you.
603
00:24:57,621 --> 00:24:59,998
- I'll call you whatever I want.
- Oh!
604
00:25:00,123 --> 00:25:01,750
[laughs] Okay. Whoo!
605
00:25:04,127 --> 00:25:05,504
Ooh! Whoo!
606
00:25:05,629 --> 00:25:07,255
Aah! Aaaah!
607
00:25:07,380 --> 00:25:08,380
Whoa!
608
00:25:08,924 --> 00:25:10,050
[sighs]
609
00:25:11,801 --> 00:25:13,261
Okay, oh, my God... was that...
610
00:25:13,345 --> 00:25:16,890
- Was that it? Did it happen?
- That was totally something. So fun.
611
00:25:17,015 --> 00:25:18,600
You did the thing!
612
00:25:18,683 --> 00:25:20,453
- [Vagina] Excuse me, hello.
- [taps on glass]
613
00:25:20,477 --> 00:25:23,355
- Hi, ladies. Over here.
- Is she toasting? Is that what's going on?
614
00:25:23,438 --> 00:25:26,608
Some of you may know me
as Jessi's genitals.
615
00:25:26,691 --> 00:25:28,693
Oh, gosh, I should have
written something down.
616
00:25:28,777 --> 00:25:30,737
I do have this little piece of paper
right here.
617
00:25:30,820 --> 00:25:34,950
I just wanted to say, it's an honor
to be a part of you, Jessi.
618
00:25:35,033 --> 00:25:37,911
- Um...
- And to work alongside you, Connie.
619
00:25:37,994 --> 00:25:40,205
Aw. I'm gonna fucking cry.
620
00:25:40,288 --> 00:25:43,333
And I'm just so proud that we get to be
on this journey together.
621
00:25:44,084 --> 00:25:46,211
Now let's go wash that toothbrush.
622
00:25:46,294 --> 00:25:47,879
- Whoo-hoo! Whoo!
- [Connie laughs]
623
00:25:48,755 --> 00:25:51,341
♪ My boo ghosts, but I don't need him ♪
624
00:25:51,424 --> 00:25:53,885
♪ Five digits gonna make me
Squirm and scream ♪
625
00:25:53,969 --> 00:25:55,971
♪ This is all on me ♪
626
00:25:56,054 --> 00:25:58,557
♪ All I need, my hand pressed ♪
627
00:25:58,640 --> 00:26:01,101
♪ Move to the rhythm of my slow breaths ♪
628
00:26:01,184 --> 00:26:03,603
♪ I know best, I know better ♪
629
00:26:03,687 --> 00:26:06,189
♪ Killin' this, a real go-getter ♪
630
00:26:06,273 --> 00:26:09,401
♪ So take five, slip and slide ♪
631
00:26:09,484 --> 00:26:12,237
♪ All I need to go is one hand inside ♪
632
00:26:12,320 --> 00:26:14,531
♪ Take five, slip and slide ♪
633
00:26:14,614 --> 00:26:16,700
♪ All I need to go is one hand ♪
634
00:26:17,200 --> 00:26:19,619
♪ Rub-a-dub-dub, I'm in the tub ♪
635
00:26:19,703 --> 00:26:22,247
♪ My legs up, don't give a fuck ♪
636
00:26:22,330 --> 00:26:24,791
♪ Pressin' my button
I feel the floodin' ♪
637
00:26:24,874 --> 00:26:27,419
♪ Pressin' my button
I feel this rubbin" ♪
638
00:26:27,502 --> 00:26:30,255
♪ Engine go, go, I'm on the floor ♪
639
00:26:30,338 --> 00:26:32,215
- Fathouse.
- [light bulb buzzing]