1 00:00:06,506 --> 00:00:08,508 [smooth jazz plays] 2 00:00:10,427 --> 00:00:14,889 I was born in Washington DC right before the turn of the century. 3 00:00:14,973 --> 00:00:16,391 - Uh-huh. - The hospital 4 00:00:16,474 --> 00:00:19,185 was also a cigarette factory. [laughs] 5 00:00:19,269 --> 00:00:22,105 - Uh-huh. - Jeez, are you even listening? 6 00:00:22,188 --> 00:00:24,190 You think I wanna spend my Saturday 7 00:00:24,274 --> 00:00:26,776 bein' interviewed for a kid's research paper? 8 00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:30,196 I could be gettin' my avocado toast with John McCain. 9 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,741 The old maverick gets an egg on top. 10 00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:35,869 - [laughs] - Sorry, I just hate learning so much. 11 00:00:35,952 --> 00:00:39,748 I did too, until I found my true inspiration. 12 00:00:39,914 --> 00:00:43,835 ♪ A woman's cave of wonders ♪ 13 00:00:43,918 --> 00:00:45,587 - Hang on, what? - A pussy. 14 00:00:45,670 --> 00:00:50,008 The first great song I ever wrote was about the girl I lost my virginity to. 15 00:00:50,091 --> 00:00:51,301 - Oh! - I was 13. 16 00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:52,677 13? [laughs] 17 00:00:52,761 --> 00:00:54,763 Oh, my God, I wanna hear about that. 18 00:00:54,846 --> 00:00:57,891 Well, it was a different time back then. 19 00:00:58,433 --> 00:01:00,268 Now, before I got a horn section, 20 00:01:00,351 --> 00:01:02,187 I blew my own horn. 21 00:01:02,270 --> 00:01:05,315 Before I tickled the ivory, I tickled my ebony. 22 00:01:05,398 --> 00:01:07,942 - [Nick] I... I get it. - Golly goo, look at her ankles. 23 00:01:08,026 --> 00:01:10,153 This is some racy stuff, Maurice. 24 00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:11,738 You can almost see her bloomers. 25 00:01:11,821 --> 00:01:14,240 She's practically begging you to pull your taffy. 26 00:01:14,324 --> 00:01:15,575 - Edward, my dear? - [knocking] 27 00:01:15,658 --> 00:01:17,698 - Horse feathers! It's your mother. - It's too late. 28 00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:19,287 My Woodrow's about to Wilson. 29 00:01:19,370 --> 00:01:20,765 - [Duke's mom] Dinner's ready! - I... 30 00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:24,793 I'm coming! 31 00:01:24,876 --> 00:01:27,003 - [jazz version of theme song plays] - [record static] 32 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:31,257 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 33 00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:37,013 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 34 00:01:38,473 --> 00:01:42,268 ♪ Oh, I'm going through changes ♪ 35 00:01:42,685 --> 00:01:44,521 ♪ In my life ♪ 36 00:01:46,564 --> 00:01:48,733 ♪ Ya-da-da-da, ya-da-da-da ♪ 37 00:01:56,699 --> 00:02:02,497 [Duke] Ah, 1913. It was America's puberty, and my puberty too. 38 00:02:02,580 --> 00:02:07,335 I had a charmed childhood, and no one loved me more than... 39 00:02:07,418 --> 00:02:10,338 - There he is. - ♪ My mommy ♪ 40 00:02:10,421 --> 00:02:11,714 My sweet Edward. 41 00:02:11,798 --> 00:02:13,883 Edward? I thought your name was Duke, Duke. 42 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:14,967 Not yet. 43 00:02:15,009 --> 00:02:17,262 Come here, my little prince. Give your mother a hug. 44 00:02:17,345 --> 00:02:18,345 Mm! 45 00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:20,098 I wish I could go back in. 46 00:02:20,181 --> 00:02:22,267 Oh, so you were a mama's boy. 47 00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:23,226 Damn right. 48 00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:27,021 But this is the story about how I became a man. 49 00:02:27,105 --> 00:02:30,275 Ooh, gee, Daisy, you sure make that dress look pretty. 50 00:02:30,358 --> 00:02:31,518 Come here, stand right there. 51 00:02:31,776 --> 00:02:34,529 [Duke] My father, J.E., was as smooth 52 00:02:34,612 --> 00:02:38,616 as the transition from slavery to the prison-industrial complex. 53 00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:40,785 Everyone at church is gonna be jealous. 54 00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:43,163 Oh, J.E., you know you say that every Sunday. 55 00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:47,125 And every Sunday I'm surprised the sermon isn't about your derrière. 56 00:02:47,625 --> 00:02:48,835 Oh, your father. 57 00:02:48,918 --> 00:02:52,005 As a kid, I had to take classical piano lessons, 58 00:02:52,088 --> 00:02:54,757 and I hated it, 'cause learnin' sucks. 59 00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:56,676 [Nick] Yes! Thank you. Exactly. 60 00:02:56,759 --> 00:02:59,220 You're a very talented pianist, Edward. 61 00:02:59,304 --> 00:03:02,348 Pianist... penis, vagina... Hold on! 62 00:03:02,432 --> 00:03:05,185 Did you lose your virginity to your piano teacher? 63 00:03:05,268 --> 00:03:07,812 Nick. Miss Clinkskales was an old maid. 64 00:03:07,896 --> 00:03:09,814 Still unmarried at 25? 65 00:03:09,898 --> 00:03:11,658 There was obviously something wrong with her. 66 00:03:11,691 --> 00:03:14,485 Edward? Stop looking out the window. 67 00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:16,654 I'm sorry, Miss Clinkscales, 68 00:03:16,738 --> 00:03:19,490 but I have to go and never come back. 69 00:03:20,325 --> 00:03:22,493 - [door slams] - Oh, don't feel bad for me. 70 00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:26,915 I'm going home to get fucked by my lady companion, Ernestine. 71 00:03:26,998 --> 00:03:30,335 If orgasms were money, I'd be a Rockefeller. 72 00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:33,713 [Duke] All I wanted to do was play baseball 73 00:03:33,796 --> 00:03:35,298 with my pals from the neighborhood. 74 00:03:35,673 --> 00:03:38,760 - There was Big Bowser Blakely. - My bones hurt. 75 00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:42,639 Then there was Crumbum Tootles and his dog, Half and Half. 76 00:03:42,722 --> 00:03:45,683 - Toot, toot. - And, of course, Mondee Tuesdee, 77 00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:47,477 whose leg faced the wrong way. 78 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,145 Whoo-hoo! My bones also hurt. 79 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:50,980 - [snorts] - Hey, what are you guys up to? 80 00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:52,232 You playin' baseball? 81 00:03:52,315 --> 00:03:56,736 We'd often get visited by former president Theodore Roosevelt, 82 00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:58,905 who was retired and lookin' for shit to do. 83 00:03:58,988 --> 00:04:02,742 Hold on, I'm sorry. Teddy Roosevelt, the president, watched you play baseball? 84 00:04:02,825 --> 00:04:04,786 It's true! Joojle it! 85 00:04:04,869 --> 00:04:06,871 No, we're okay, President Roosevelt. 86 00:04:06,955 --> 00:04:10,959 Actually, you can call me Coach President Teddy Roosevelt Steve. 87 00:04:11,042 --> 00:04:15,129 Did you guys hear they're gonna put my face on a mountain? So... 88 00:04:15,213 --> 00:04:20,260 Eventually I stopped hitting baseballs and started hitting puberty, 89 00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:24,138 and after that, all I wanted to do was chase girls. 90 00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:25,682 What you lookin' at, fancy boy? 91 00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:29,394 Ooh, you should ask her to rub some blue chalk on your cue stick, 92 00:04:29,477 --> 00:04:31,077 put your two balls in her middle pocket. 93 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,022 You better run along to church with your mama. 94 00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:36,401 Come along, Edward. Those pool hall folk are not our kind of people. 95 00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:38,484 Wait, it sounds like that might have been the girl. 96 00:04:38,528 --> 00:04:39,904 No spoilers, Nick. 97 00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:41,572 What if I told you that everyone dies 98 00:04:41,656 --> 00:04:43,616 in the Red Wedding episode of Game of Thrones? 99 00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:45,952 What? Really? I haven't seen it yet. 100 00:04:46,035 --> 00:04:47,787 And now you don't need to. 101 00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:49,510 Yeah, I don't even watch Game of Thrones. 102 00:04:49,580 --> 00:04:50,790 I don't watch anything on HBO. 103 00:04:50,873 --> 00:04:52,953 Is that good? Is that what you guys wanted me to say? 104 00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:57,964 [choir] ♪ Spare me, oh, Jesus From smallpox and cholera ♪ 105 00:04:58,047 --> 00:05:01,342 ♪ From rickets and lockjaw, I pray ♪ 106 00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:04,929 [Duke] My mommy made sure prayer was a part of my life, 107 00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:07,390 but I was busy praying for cooze. 108 00:05:07,473 --> 00:05:12,145 The only holy trinity I was interested in was tits, clits, and ass. 109 00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:13,688 ♪ Spare me ♪ 110 00:05:13,771 --> 00:05:16,190 Oh, Lord, please use your infinite power 111 00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:18,693 to make this girl's blouse fall off in church. 112 00:05:18,776 --> 00:05:21,404 And also, I would like a puppy for Christmas. 113 00:05:21,487 --> 00:05:23,573 - Edward. Eyes forward. - [Jay] Whoa, whoa, whoa. 114 00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:25,450 Did you have sex in church? 115 00:05:25,533 --> 00:05:29,078 I came in a Bible once, but I think it was okay because I was at a funeral. 116 00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:32,373 Jesus, Jay, at a funeral? Wait, how long have you been up here? 117 00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:34,334 Long enough to know that this is a fuck story. 118 00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:36,729 I just can't believe Duke's mom cock-blocked him like that. 119 00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:39,881 Well, maybe she was jealous. I mean, Duke, you guys seemed way too close. 120 00:05:39,964 --> 00:05:41,591 Well, I was close with my daddy too. 121 00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:43,885 Like you showered with him growing up so much 122 00:05:43,968 --> 00:05:46,220 that you can remember exactly what his dick looks like? 123 00:05:46,304 --> 00:05:47,597 Anyway... 124 00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:51,434 Thursdays after school, I'd accompany my daddy to work 125 00:05:51,517 --> 00:05:54,020 where he was the butler for Lee Daniels. 126 00:05:54,103 --> 00:05:58,441 Not that Lee Daniels, Lee Daniels' The Butler Lee Daniels, 127 00:05:58,608 --> 00:06:01,486 he was the butler for Lee Daniels the doctor. 128 00:06:01,569 --> 00:06:02,403 The butler. 129 00:06:02,487 --> 00:06:04,280 Your bones, uh, they're haunted. 130 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:07,450 Drink this entire bottle of arsenic and ring me in the morning. 131 00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:12,455 Dr. Daniels's daughter Margaret was a young, saucy suffragette. 132 00:06:12,538 --> 00:06:14,707 Hello, Margaret, where are you off to? 133 00:06:14,791 --> 00:06:17,960 Oh, hi, Edward. I'm on my way to the first ever women's march. 134 00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:19,084 We want the right to vote. 135 00:06:19,128 --> 00:06:21,297 And you want the right to stuff her ballot box 136 00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,466 with three-fifths of your sex limb. 137 00:06:23,549 --> 00:06:25,093 Good golly, Maurice. 138 00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:27,053 Honestly, you're not workin' with a lot. 139 00:06:27,136 --> 00:06:28,971 You might be able to pull off five fifths. 140 00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:30,848 Or, as some people like to say, 141 00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:32,433 "One whole child dick." 142 00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:34,560 Well, I sure wish you luck, Margaret. 143 00:06:34,644 --> 00:06:35,728 Thank you, Edward. 144 00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:39,065 Well, I should leave for the march. Look, I made my own vagina bonnet. 145 00:06:39,148 --> 00:06:41,192 And I made my own dick mittens. 146 00:06:41,275 --> 00:06:43,694 [Duke] That Margaret sure was something. 147 00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:46,197 Duke, did you lose your virginity to... 148 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:47,198 To a white girl? 149 00:06:47,281 --> 00:06:50,201 Oh, no, I was gonna say a doctor's daughter? 150 00:06:50,284 --> 00:06:52,120 Uh-huh, sure you were. 151 00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:54,622 Ooh, I once fucked a Dr. Scholl's gel insert. 152 00:06:54,705 --> 00:06:56,749 I rolled it up inside a blood pressure sleeve. 153 00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:58,292 I lost a pediatrician that day. 154 00:06:58,376 --> 00:07:01,170 Jay, some day you'll have to tell us the story 155 00:07:01,254 --> 00:07:03,798 of your seemingly invincible dick, 156 00:07:03,881 --> 00:07:05,466 but today is not that day. 157 00:07:06,217 --> 00:07:08,886 You guys get your tickets for Atlantic City yet? 158 00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:11,305 Atlantic City? What they got up in Atlantic City? 159 00:07:11,389 --> 00:07:12,849 We're all gettin' summer jobs there. 160 00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:15,643 And don't forget about summer blow jobs, fellas. 161 00:07:15,726 --> 00:07:17,728 [all laughing] 162 00:07:17,812 --> 00:07:19,147 Not a chance. 163 00:07:19,230 --> 00:07:23,734 Atlantic City is a filthy place, full of booze, loose women, and good times. 164 00:07:23,818 --> 00:07:25,403 But all my friends are going. 165 00:07:25,486 --> 00:07:28,990 If all your friends jumped off the recently constructed Brooklyn Bridge, 166 00:07:29,073 --> 00:07:31,576 - would you do it too? - Mother, I wanna see the world. 167 00:07:31,659 --> 00:07:34,245 No, uh-uh. I want you as close as possible this summer. 168 00:07:34,328 --> 00:07:35,955 I want to be able to see you when I pee. 169 00:07:36,038 --> 00:07:37,206 Daddy, please. 170 00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:38,810 Whatever your mama says, goes, Edward. 171 00:07:38,875 --> 00:07:41,002 You can help work for Dr. Lee Daniels' The Butler. 172 00:07:41,085 --> 00:07:44,547 Me. I'm the butler. This guy. These two thumbs. Butler thumbs. 173 00:07:44,630 --> 00:07:49,135 And so I was stuck helpin' out my dad for the summer. 174 00:07:49,218 --> 00:07:50,136 Son, come here, please. 175 00:07:50,219 --> 00:07:52,847 Another rum and cocaine cola. Ooh, with extra morphine. 176 00:07:54,515 --> 00:07:57,018 Gee, you sure make that dress look pretty. 177 00:07:57,101 --> 00:07:58,394 Yeah, you do. Come here. 178 00:07:58,686 --> 00:07:59,520 Mm-hm... 179 00:07:59,604 --> 00:08:00,604 [gasps] 180 00:08:01,272 --> 00:08:02,190 Oh, shit. 181 00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:05,693 All of a sudden, my daddy had a change of heart 182 00:08:05,776 --> 00:08:09,572 and thought me goin' to Atlantic City was a good idea. 183 00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:12,575 - [chuckles] - Oh, yeah. Duke goin' to Atlantic City! 184 00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:16,329 Big dick boy! Get fucked! Eat saltwater taffy! 185 00:08:16,412 --> 00:08:19,373 - What is that voice? - Nick, it is truly cringe-worthy 186 00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:21,709 to watch you become yourself. 187 00:08:21,792 --> 00:08:24,045 [Nick] Sorry, sorry. So you were at the train station? 188 00:08:24,128 --> 00:08:27,256 [Duke] It was my very first choo-choo train ride. 189 00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:28,799 Bye, donkey. 190 00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,511 Remember, Edward, when you're out in the world, 191 00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:32,803 you're always on stage. 192 00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:33,930 You represent us all. 193 00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:35,056 - I know. - No pressure. 194 00:08:35,139 --> 00:08:37,433 - I love you, Mother. - I love you too, my prince. 195 00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:38,642 Kiss me on the lips. 196 00:08:38,809 --> 00:08:40,370 - [lips smacking] - [train whistle blows] 197 00:08:40,394 --> 00:08:45,650 Oh, we're never gonna get a gal with lips and nips as soft as your mama's. 198 00:08:45,733 --> 00:08:48,569 And with that, you were off to discover jazz. 199 00:08:48,653 --> 00:08:49,820 Actually, not yet. 200 00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:51,239 Uh... [chuckles] Interesting, 201 00:08:51,322 --> 00:08:53,533 because as a jazz-iseur, I can tell you that jazz, 202 00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:54,867 or as it was known back then, 203 00:08:54,951 --> 00:08:57,304 - "jass" with two Ss, had already began... - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 204 00:08:57,328 --> 00:08:59,413 Are you La La Land-ing me, kid? 205 00:08:59,497 --> 00:09:00,497 La La Land. 206 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:03,918 Now, that is a definitive source for the history of jazz. 207 00:09:04,001 --> 00:09:06,546 It didn't win the Oscar, but it lives on in our hearts. 208 00:09:06,629 --> 00:09:08,047 Can't say the same about Moonlight. 209 00:09:08,130 --> 00:09:10,341 - What? - Andrew, no one cares about the Oscars. 210 00:09:10,424 --> 00:09:14,095 Duke was trying to tell us the story about the first time he jazzed 211 00:09:14,178 --> 00:09:17,682 - into a woman's cotton club. - Yeah, let's get to the sex. 212 00:09:17,765 --> 00:09:20,434 I'm getting there, you little virgins. 213 00:09:20,518 --> 00:09:22,019 It's called foreplay. 214 00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:25,022 And if you ever wanna have sex, you'd better learn how to do it. 215 00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:30,278 ♪ The trick is to say the word "Citibank" Into their goosh ♪ 216 00:09:30,486 --> 00:09:32,196 And so I was off. 217 00:09:32,488 --> 00:09:35,616 Who knew what kind of adventures I would encounter? 218 00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:37,118 - [gasps] - Oh, excuse me, miss. 219 00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:40,621 - Why, you dropped your handkerchief. - Well, aren't you a dear? Thank you. 220 00:09:40,705 --> 00:09:45,418 Thank you? That's code for "Please, sir, bust me the fuck wide open." 221 00:09:45,501 --> 00:09:47,920 Hey, boy, get back to steerage where you belong. 222 00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:51,841 Wait, so people were racist even back then? Shit. 223 00:09:51,924 --> 00:09:55,011 Well, Jay, racism has always been a problem. 224 00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:56,934 Up-bup-bup-bup-bup. I'll... I'll take this one. 225 00:09:56,971 --> 00:09:58,347 - Duke's half right. - Jesus. 226 00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:00,850 - You see, Jay, colorism... - Uh-oh. 227 00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:04,186 ...was based on the idea that lighter-complected Afro-Americans have... 228 00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:08,316 Ooh, Andrew... Don't say Afro-Americans. You sound like Kramer. 229 00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:10,151 Boy, do I love trains. 230 00:10:10,234 --> 00:10:12,361 It's like a dick on wheels goin' through a tunnel. 231 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:16,490 [gasps] And the tunnel is a pussy. Am I the first guy to think of this? 232 00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:18,051 - Oh, my goosh! - [train whistle blows] 233 00:10:18,075 --> 00:10:20,244 Next stop, Atlantic City. 234 00:10:20,494 --> 00:10:22,496 [a cappella jazz group harmonizing] 235 00:10:24,665 --> 00:10:28,252 I literally can't imagine smaller bathing suits. 236 00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:29,670 Hotsy-totsy. 237 00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:33,424 The loose baggy skirts, the droopy swim caps, high socks. 238 00:10:33,507 --> 00:10:35,134 They're basically nude. 239 00:10:35,217 --> 00:10:36,719 [purrs] 240 00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:41,265 I headed over to the Plaza Hotel to get a job as a bellhop. 241 00:10:41,349 --> 00:10:45,561 But the only job they let me have was as a lowly dishwasher. 242 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:49,106 Hey, Edward, come out tonight and see this piano player, Harvey Brooks. 243 00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:53,194 His music is the only thing that soothes my ever-growin' bones. 244 00:10:53,277 --> 00:10:56,197 I don't wanna listen to piano. I wanna meet dames. 245 00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:58,866 Oh, come on. I'll get my girl to bring her sister for you. 246 00:10:58,949 --> 00:11:03,496 Say yes. Nothin' floods a girl's basement like havin' her sister nearby. 247 00:11:03,579 --> 00:11:06,874 All right, I'll come along. For the fanny, not the pianny. 248 00:11:06,957 --> 00:11:09,043 Whoo-hoo! I spit on every plate. 249 00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:12,046 All right, we're sneakin' in through the kitchen, 250 00:11:12,129 --> 00:11:14,548 so act cool like an ice box, 251 00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:17,301 which is what we used to call refrigerators 252 00:11:17,385 --> 00:11:19,679 back in this time, which is now. 253 00:11:19,762 --> 00:11:23,265 That was the night that changed my life. 254 00:11:23,349 --> 00:11:24,684 [jazz band playing] 255 00:11:24,767 --> 00:11:27,395 [Jay] Duke's definitely gonna make thick in the warm tonight. 256 00:11:28,062 --> 00:11:30,022 [Duke] It was beautiful. 257 00:11:30,272 --> 00:11:32,650 The room was alive with gorgeous people, 258 00:11:32,733 --> 00:11:36,904 talented musicians, and one of those guys wearin' a pickle barrel on suspenders. 259 00:11:37,196 --> 00:11:39,073 I got a nice half-sour under here, hon. 260 00:11:39,156 --> 00:11:41,409 You wanna jerk my gherk? Tickle my pickle? 261 00:11:41,492 --> 00:11:43,411 Crunch down on my crispy penis? 262 00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:46,330 Oh, yoo-hoo! We'll have two new-fashioneds, please. 263 00:11:46,414 --> 00:11:50,710 It was my first drink, and it knocked my socks off. 264 00:11:50,793 --> 00:11:53,796 ♪ Socks were very loose back then ♪ 265 00:11:54,004 --> 00:11:57,007 ♪ That's why men clipped them To their undies ♪ 266 00:11:57,091 --> 00:12:00,052 Gee, you sure make that dress look pretty. 267 00:12:00,136 --> 00:12:01,011 [giggles] 268 00:12:01,095 --> 00:12:04,098 Edward, that is the corniest line I ever heard. 269 00:12:04,181 --> 00:12:05,725 Here, smoke, don't talk. 270 00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:08,978 Ladies and gentlemen, lads and lasses, 271 00:12:09,061 --> 00:12:12,565 Turks and Caicos, please welcome to the stage 272 00:12:12,648 --> 00:12:15,276 the marvelous Harvey Brooks. 273 00:12:15,359 --> 00:12:17,361 [cheering and applause] 274 00:12:20,197 --> 00:12:22,199 [plays ragtime tune] 275 00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:23,868 Wowee-zowee. 276 00:12:23,951 --> 00:12:27,079 - What is this? - It's ragtime, Edward. 277 00:12:27,163 --> 00:12:28,330 Ragtime? 278 00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:31,584 Oh, shucks, that means you're probably not gonna have any sex tonight. 279 00:12:31,667 --> 00:12:36,255 Hearin' Harvey Brooks play was a spiritual experience. 280 00:12:36,338 --> 00:12:38,799 - It was so beautiful, I could see it. - [fireworks whistling] 281 00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:41,385 I felt the music wash over me. 282 00:12:41,469 --> 00:12:43,095 It had me, right then and there. 283 00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:44,472 - Whoo! - [laughs] 284 00:12:52,813 --> 00:12:55,983 Yeah, I love ragtime. 285 00:12:56,066 --> 00:12:58,486 We'll just put a towel down. 286 00:13:00,905 --> 00:13:04,200 Every pretty girl rushed over to get Harvey's attention, 287 00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:07,703 and suddenly, I wanted to play the piano again. 288 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:10,664 Okay, I'm puttin' five on that ragtime girl. 289 00:13:10,748 --> 00:13:12,750 We got five crisp ones on ragtime. 290 00:13:12,833 --> 00:13:14,543 What the hell are you boys doing? 291 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:18,172 We're taking bets on which girl popped your cock cherry. 292 00:13:18,255 --> 00:13:20,341 Ruff-ruff. Ruchshund. Dachshund. 293 00:13:20,674 --> 00:13:22,593 I lost my virginity to a dachshund. 294 00:13:22,676 --> 00:13:24,780 All right, I got five bucks on the pool hall waitress. 295 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,139 Oh, wait a minute. What if it's a twist ending? 296 00:13:27,306 --> 00:13:29,058 I'm putting everything on Crumbum Tootles. 297 00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:32,102 - Crumbum? - Yep, he's up there. It's 130 to one odds. 298 00:13:32,186 --> 00:13:34,063 He's right below Teddy Roosevelt's horse. 299 00:13:34,146 --> 00:13:36,315 You boys are missin' the point. 300 00:13:36,607 --> 00:13:39,610 I needed to know how Harvey played the piano like that. 301 00:13:39,693 --> 00:13:41,821 So I waited for him all night. 302 00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:45,241 Mr Brooks? Sir? My name is Edward Ellington. 303 00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:47,201 You were amazing tonight. 304 00:13:47,284 --> 00:13:49,203 And I'm Maurice Beverley, Mr. Brooks. 305 00:13:49,286 --> 00:13:52,373 You can't see or hear me, but I too am a big fan. 306 00:13:52,456 --> 00:13:54,500 You had the whole room in the palm of your hand. 307 00:13:54,750 --> 00:13:56,210 How do I make girls melt like that? 308 00:13:56,293 --> 00:13:58,754 [laughs] That's just ragtime, Edward. 309 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,422 You play a huggin' and rubbin' song, 310 00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:02,508 and I promise the girls will melt for you too. 311 00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:04,176 - Ain't that right, ladies? - [giggling] 312 00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:06,095 A what-in' and what-in' song? 313 00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:08,556 Huggin' and rubbin'. You know, a crotch-warmer. 314 00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:13,686 A poon tune. A quim hymn. A nasty set to make 'em soppin' wet. 315 00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:17,022 Mr. Brooks, would you teach me everything you know? 316 00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:19,692 Yes, please teach us. I'll give you anything. 317 00:14:19,775 --> 00:14:21,569 How about my archdick, Ferdinand? 318 00:14:21,652 --> 00:14:25,114 All right, kid, but first, I gotta take these girls back to my place. 319 00:14:25,197 --> 00:14:26,740 I'll be back in eight minutes. 320 00:14:26,824 --> 00:14:30,703 Eight strong minutes. That includes the walk. 321 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:39,920 Oh, no. This marks the beginning of World War Cum. 322 00:14:42,715 --> 00:14:47,595 Harvey taught me that entire summer, and I worked harder than I ever had. 323 00:14:47,678 --> 00:14:49,281 - Like this? - Come on, put your hand down. 324 00:14:49,305 --> 00:14:51,181 You've gotta get the people outta their chairs. 325 00:14:51,265 --> 00:14:54,184 - Slam those pinkies and thumbs. Slam one. - Yeah, okay. 326 00:14:59,356 --> 00:15:00,774 Ah, Scheiße! 327 00:15:04,028 --> 00:15:05,654 Okay, okay, let's slow it down now. 328 00:15:05,738 --> 00:15:07,178 - Now I'm gettin' it. - There you go. 329 00:15:07,239 --> 00:15:08,519 You're learnin' real quick, boy. 330 00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:14,246 Today we are more than a collection of penises. 331 00:15:14,538 --> 00:15:17,166 We are a circle of jerks. 332 00:15:20,085 --> 00:15:21,837 Ah. I can't feel my balls! 333 00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:24,840 - I can't feel my balls! - Hey, don't look down. Look at me. 334 00:15:24,924 --> 00:15:26,759 - Okay. - Tell me about your farm in Virginia. 335 00:15:26,842 --> 00:15:28,385 - Oh, the farm? - Yeah, that's right. 336 00:15:28,469 --> 00:15:30,888 There's pubes as far as the eye can see. 337 00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:33,641 - Ah. - No! Nooooo! 338 00:15:33,724 --> 00:15:35,434 [sobbing] 339 00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:37,394 Hug those keys, rub those keys. 340 00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:39,939 Ragtime. Hah! I'm so proud of you. 341 00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:43,025 [poignant music playing] 342 00:15:50,658 --> 00:15:52,409 [sobbing] 343 00:15:54,703 --> 00:15:56,830 That was one crazy summer. 344 00:15:57,748 --> 00:16:00,709 - Oh! The prodigal son has returned! - Mm. 345 00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:02,711 Look at you with a mustache. 346 00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:04,296 - You look bigger. - All right. 347 00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:05,506 You... you feel bigger. 348 00:16:05,589 --> 00:16:07,675 - Come sit with your mama while she pees. - Mama, 349 00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:09,677 I don't think I should do that anymore. 350 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,972 Oh, okay. It's just that I've been holding it all summer. 351 00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:15,391 A lot of things had changed that summer. 352 00:16:15,474 --> 00:16:18,310 ♪ I been sniffin' in your kitchen And it sure smells good ♪ 353 00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:20,854 ♪ Your cookies are the talk Of the neighborhood ♪ 354 00:16:20,938 --> 00:16:24,400 ♪ But, come on, honey, Won't you give me a slice of your pie? ♪ 355 00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:27,277 ♪ I wanna nibble your biscuits ♪ 356 00:16:27,361 --> 00:16:29,154 Why are y'all celebratin'? 357 00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:31,573 Good penises died, and for what? 358 00:16:31,657 --> 00:16:34,994 ♪ Lift up your apron And give me a slice of that pie ♪ 359 00:16:35,703 --> 00:16:38,706 Edward, I will not have that heathen music in my house. 360 00:16:38,789 --> 00:16:41,583 I'm sorry, but this music is who I am now. 361 00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:44,044 Well, that's not the boy I raised. Everyone out. 362 00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:44,962 [sighs] 363 00:16:45,045 --> 00:16:46,213 I'm sorry, everybody. 364 00:16:46,630 --> 00:16:48,274 [Nick] You didn't listen to your mom, did you? 365 00:16:48,298 --> 00:16:52,052 Yeah, respectfully speaking here, fuck that bitch mom you had. 366 00:16:52,136 --> 00:16:53,345 Whoa, whoa, whoa, gentlemen, 367 00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:57,224 we cannot understand the societal pressure a black mother is under. 368 00:16:57,307 --> 00:16:58,517 Oh, Christ. 369 00:16:58,600 --> 00:17:01,311 As someone who's dated a woman of color - uh, Missy - 370 00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:03,039 I have a unique perspective inner voice... 371 00:17:03,063 --> 00:17:05,232 Andrew, didn't you recently go to a neo-Nazi meeting? 372 00:17:05,315 --> 00:17:06,900 I... It was... Yes. 373 00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:11,196 Anyway, I had to play my music somewhere, 374 00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:12,698 and the only place I knew 375 00:17:12,781 --> 00:17:14,908 was Frank Holliday's pool room. 376 00:17:14,992 --> 00:17:17,119 [sighs] Well, here goes nothin'. 377 00:17:17,202 --> 00:17:20,122 The place was dark and dangerous. 378 00:17:20,789 --> 00:17:23,417 Hello, I'll take a Skinnygirl Margarita 379 00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:26,545 and some cold edamame with a little sea salt sprinkled on top. 380 00:17:27,087 --> 00:17:27,963 What you lookin' at? 381 00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,466 [Jay] Shit, I wanna switch my money to the pool hall girl. 382 00:17:30,549 --> 00:17:32,760 No, too late, Jay, you put all your money on Crumbum. 383 00:17:32,843 --> 00:17:34,595 [groans] Toot-toot. 384 00:17:34,678 --> 00:17:35,512 [scattered applause] 385 00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:37,139 I got a song like that. 386 00:17:37,222 --> 00:17:39,308 - Maybe even better. - Mm-hm. 387 00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:41,431 - The name's Edward. - Oh, I remember you real good. 388 00:17:41,477 --> 00:17:42,311 Oh, you do? 389 00:17:42,394 --> 00:17:45,939 Yeah, you're that little high yellow bitch boy who holds his mommy's hand 390 00:17:46,023 --> 00:17:47,566 - on the way to church. - [laughter] 391 00:17:47,649 --> 00:17:49,526 I don't hold her hand anymore. 392 00:17:49,610 --> 00:17:50,736 I'm a big bitch boy. 393 00:17:50,819 --> 00:17:52,905 You think you some sort of gangster now? 394 00:17:52,988 --> 00:17:53,989 - Please. - Uh-oh. 395 00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:57,201 Why don't you go home and crawl up in your mama's panties? 396 00:17:57,576 --> 00:17:58,952 [laughter] 397 00:17:59,036 --> 00:18:03,290 - She fuckin' slayed you, man. - I didn't belong anywhere. 398 00:18:03,373 --> 00:18:05,667 Not at the pool hall, not at home. 399 00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,795 - [groans] - I felt like a lonely soldier, 400 00:18:07,878 --> 00:18:10,380 who'd watched his best friend die in his arms 401 00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:13,926 - and then came back a shell of a penis. - [Andrew] Sorry, a shell of a penis? 402 00:18:14,009 --> 00:18:16,053 Have you not been seeing the dicks? 403 00:18:16,136 --> 00:18:18,597 - Huh? - It's all I've been watching, honestly. 404 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,349 - Interesting. - It's heartbreaking. 405 00:18:20,432 --> 00:18:22,351 Anyway, I needed some advice, 406 00:18:22,434 --> 00:18:25,479 so I went to the ghost who lived in my attic. 407 00:18:25,813 --> 00:18:30,526 ♪ The ghost of Harriet Tubman ♪ Yeah! 408 00:18:30,609 --> 00:18:33,153 What? Your ghost was Harriet Tubman? 409 00:18:33,237 --> 00:18:38,909 Oh, well, I'm so sorry you got stuck with old garbage-ass Duke Ellington. 410 00:18:38,992 --> 00:18:42,079 No, no, no, no, no. You're great, Duke, but come on, 411 00:18:42,162 --> 00:18:43,747 I mean, until Trump got elected, 412 00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:46,166 Harriet Tubman was gonna be on the $20 bill. 413 00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:49,419 - Oh, yeah, what happened with that? - I think it's gonna be Papa John now. 414 00:18:49,503 --> 00:18:51,755 - That makes sense. - What do I do, Harriet? 415 00:18:51,839 --> 00:18:54,842 Well, when I escaped the plantation 416 00:18:54,925 --> 00:18:57,136 and reached the Mason-Dixon Line, 417 00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:59,346 I didn't feel relieved. 418 00:18:59,429 --> 00:19:03,976 I felt torn between my family back home and my freedom. 419 00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:07,771 Exactly, just like I'm torn between my family and my freedom. 420 00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:10,232 Negro, no. I was tellin' that story 421 00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:14,278 to help you understand how minute your bullshit dilemma is, 422 00:19:14,361 --> 00:19:17,531 and you somehow equated escapin' slavery 423 00:19:17,614 --> 00:19:20,367 to wantin' to play piano in a dirty club 424 00:19:20,450 --> 00:19:21,827 - for pussy? - Is that so bad? 425 00:19:21,910 --> 00:19:24,997 Yes! If you're comparin' it to human bondage, 426 00:19:25,080 --> 00:19:27,291 that's profoundly narcissistic, 427 00:19:27,374 --> 00:19:30,169 which I guess is useful if you want to be a great musician. 428 00:19:30,252 --> 00:19:32,004 I do want to be a great musician. 429 00:19:32,087 --> 00:19:35,090 So then don't be ashamed of where you come from, 430 00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:37,509 and don't be afraid of where you're going. 431 00:19:37,593 --> 00:19:40,345 Like how you felt at the Mason-Dixon Line. 432 00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:42,890 Oh, what kinda house nigga... No! 433 00:19:42,973 --> 00:19:46,977 I wasn't proud of bein' a slave, and I was ecstatic to be free. 434 00:19:47,060 --> 00:19:50,647 Just be yourself, Edward. Shit, what the fuck is wrong with you? 435 00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:52,649 [Duke] It all clicked in that moment. 436 00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,359 I knew what I needed to do. 437 00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:55,443 Thank you, Harriet. 438 00:19:55,485 --> 00:19:59,364 Pansy-ass spoiled little baby doll. You dress like a baby doll. 439 00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:01,241 Uh, get back in your cabinet, doll. 440 00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:05,704 I had to write a piece of music that was truly me. 441 00:20:05,787 --> 00:20:09,124 Somethin' that would make women sneeze through their knees 442 00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,792 and make my mama proud. 443 00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:17,049 [sneezes] 444 00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,929 Hello, uh, I'm Alan. 445 00:20:22,596 --> 00:20:26,350 I stayed up all night creating my masterpiece. 446 00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:30,479 Holy shit. Did you lose your virginity to Harriet Tubman? 447 00:20:30,562 --> 00:20:34,149 No! But somebody did. Isn't that wild? 448 00:20:35,859 --> 00:20:39,446 You sure about this, Edward? The poon tunes were workin' so well. 449 00:20:39,529 --> 00:20:42,699 Look, Maurice, I'm still all about gushin' that goosh, 450 00:20:42,824 --> 00:20:44,159 but I want to do it my way. 451 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,953 A sophisticated way. 452 00:20:46,036 --> 00:20:49,748 Coming to the stage next... Duke Ellington. 453 00:20:49,831 --> 00:20:51,166 [scattered applause] 454 00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:55,963 Duke. I like that. It's like dick but with a little U in it. 455 00:20:56,046 --> 00:21:00,133 Thank you. This song is about my favorite kind of girl, 456 00:21:00,217 --> 00:21:02,386 a sophisticated girl. 457 00:21:03,553 --> 00:21:05,180 [mellow intro] 458 00:21:08,809 --> 00:21:14,815 I wanted every single girl in the house to feel like the song was about them. 459 00:21:15,065 --> 00:21:17,192 Little bitch boy, damn. 460 00:21:21,113 --> 00:21:22,313 [Nick] Wait, wait, wait, wait. 461 00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:25,742 Harvey Brooks, the ghost of Harriet Tubman, they were all there? 462 00:21:25,826 --> 00:21:27,202 [Duke] Everyone was there. 463 00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:30,914 I'm Teddy Roosevelt, and I suffer from water polio, 464 00:21:30,998 --> 00:21:33,583 and my wife is Eleanor DeGeneres. 465 00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:35,460 I got everything right, baby. 466 00:21:38,839 --> 00:21:40,048 Oh, Alan. 467 00:21:40,132 --> 00:21:43,802 I could suddenly see my whole life before me. 468 00:21:44,428 --> 00:21:46,430 [smooth jazz playing] 469 00:22:27,054 --> 00:22:31,725 Yes, everyone was there. Except the woman who mattered most. 470 00:22:37,314 --> 00:22:39,107 Ah. Look at that. 471 00:22:41,985 --> 00:22:42,985 [cheering] 472 00:22:43,028 --> 00:22:44,613 [chanting] Duke! Duke! Duke! 473 00:22:45,155 --> 00:22:46,823 Duke! Duke! Duke! 474 00:22:46,907 --> 00:22:51,119 It turns out you're not my prince after all. You're my Duke. 475 00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:53,872 - [sniffles] - Maurice, why are you sad? 476 00:22:53,955 --> 00:22:57,167 Oh, my friend, I'm not sad, I'm happy. 477 00:22:57,459 --> 00:23:00,128 You are going to fuck so many women. 478 00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:04,174 And that's how I became the great Duke Ellington. 479 00:23:04,257 --> 00:23:06,057 Wait, wait, wait, wait. That can't be the end. 480 00:23:06,134 --> 00:23:08,134 We still don't know who you lost your virginity to. 481 00:23:08,178 --> 00:23:10,389 Yeah. Who was the sophisticated girl? 482 00:23:10,472 --> 00:23:14,810 - Well, the sophisticated girl was... - [drumroll] 483 00:23:14,893 --> 00:23:17,813 ♪ Jazz! ♪ 484 00:23:17,896 --> 00:23:18,730 - Ugh! - Boo! 485 00:23:18,814 --> 00:23:21,024 - Boo! No! - Hooray. Opposite of boo. 486 00:23:21,108 --> 00:23:22,109 - Great ending. - No! 487 00:23:22,192 --> 00:23:23,777 We wanna know who you first dug out. 488 00:23:23,860 --> 00:23:28,323 Sorry, boys. A gentleman never remembers. [chuckles] 489 00:23:28,407 --> 00:23:30,575 Well, lookin' at the board here, nobody bet on jazz. 490 00:23:30,659 --> 00:23:33,995 Except for the good guys, like me, who always bet on ja... 491 00:23:34,079 --> 00:23:36,706 [shudders] Blah, blah, blah, I'm Andrew. 492 00:23:36,790 --> 00:23:39,793 I'm smug, and I like to punch myself in the chode. 493 00:23:40,127 --> 00:23:41,127 Ooh. 494 00:23:41,169 --> 00:23:42,254 - [groaning] - Oof. 495 00:23:42,838 --> 00:23:44,631 - It's not a chode. - Come on, buddy, 496 00:23:44,714 --> 00:23:47,217 let's go put a frozen steak on your little chunkster. 497 00:23:47,300 --> 00:23:48,176 You know what, Duke? 498 00:23:48,260 --> 00:23:51,179 Learning about your life was actually really interesting. 499 00:23:51,263 --> 00:23:52,597 I'm glad you died in my house. 500 00:23:52,681 --> 00:23:55,434 Ah, thanks, Nick. I can't wait 501 00:23:55,517 --> 00:23:59,354 to watch you copy and paste your report from my Wikipedia page. 502 00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:02,649 'Cause you didn't write down a goddamn thing I said. 503 00:24:02,732 --> 00:24:05,777 - Oh, it's all up here, Duke. - No it's not. 504 00:24:06,111 --> 00:24:07,111 [sighs] 505 00:24:10,824 --> 00:24:12,826 ["Haupe" plays] 506 00:24:24,421 --> 00:24:26,381 We had some great times, didn't we, Edward? 507 00:24:26,465 --> 00:24:28,675 Great times indeed, Maurice. 508 00:24:30,510 --> 00:24:31,386 Psssh! 509 00:24:31,470 --> 00:24:36,057 And, you know, it wouldn't have been nearly as great without you in my ear. 510 00:24:36,141 --> 00:24:38,268 Duke, it's been my pleasure. 511 00:24:38,560 --> 00:24:42,814 I've been assigned to a lot of boys, but you, mwah! The best. 512 00:24:42,898 --> 00:24:44,733 Kids just don't nut like they used to. 513 00:24:44,816 --> 00:24:45,734 [laughs] 514 00:24:45,817 --> 00:24:48,153 They don't. Love you, old pal. 515 00:24:48,236 --> 00:24:50,864 - Love you too. - Oh, uh, Maurice, 516 00:24:50,947 --> 00:24:52,866 that seven dollars you owe me? 517 00:24:52,949 --> 00:24:55,410 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I... I totally got you. 518 00:24:55,494 --> 00:24:57,704 It's in my car. It's in... It's in my coat. 519 00:24:57,787 --> 00:24:59,748 It's in my coat which is in my car, so... 520 00:24:59,831 --> 00:25:00,874 I gotta go. 521 00:25:13,637 --> 00:25:15,472 - After you. - [giggles] 522 00:25:16,097 --> 00:25:17,097 Here we go. 523 00:25:18,767 --> 00:25:20,810 [laughs] Aaah! 524 00:25:20,894 --> 00:25:22,896 [train horn blares] 525 00:25:23,522 --> 00:25:25,815 ["Haupe" continues to play] 526 00:26:09,150 --> 00:26:10,527 [kazoo plays] 527 00:26:11,152 --> 00:26:13,071 - Fathouse. - [light bulb buzzing] 528 00:26:13,154 --> 00:26:16,074 - Chirp. - Haha. Good At Bizness.