[smooth jazz plays]
I was born in Washington DC right before the turn of the century.
- Uh-huh. - The hospital
was also a cigarette factory. [laughs]
- Uh-huh. - Jeez, are you even listening?
You think I wanna spend my Saturday
bein' interviewed for a kid's research paper?
I could be gettin' my avocado toast with John McCain.
The old maverick gets an egg on top.
- [laughs] - Sorry, I just hate learning so much.
I did too, until I found my true inspiration.
♪ A woman's cave of wonders ♪
- Hang on, what? - A pussy.
The first great song I ever wrote was about the girl I lost my virginity to.
- Oh! - I was 13.
13? [laughs]
Oh, my God, I wanna hear about that.
Well, it was a different time back then.
Now, before I got a horn section,
I blew my own horn.
Before I tickled the ivory, I tickled my ebony.
- [Nick] I... I get it. - Golly goo, look at her ankles.
This is some racy stuff, Maurice.
You can almost see her bloomers.
She's practically begging you to pull your taffy.
- Edward, my dear? - [knocking]
- Horse feathers! It's your mother. - It's too late.
My Woodrow's about to Wilson.
- [Duke's mom] Dinner's ready! - I...
I'm coming!
- [jazz version of theme song plays] - [record static]
♪ I'm going through changes ♪
♪ Oh, I'm going through changes ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ Ya-da-da-da, ya-da-da-da ♪
[Duke] Ah, 1913. It was America's puberty, and my puberty too.
I had a charmed childhood, and no one loved me more than...
- There he is. - ♪ My mommy ♪
My sweet Edward.
Edward? I thought your name was Duke, Duke.
Not yet.
Come here, my little prince. Give your mother a hug.
Mm!
I wish I could go back in.
Oh, so you were a mama's boy.
Damn right.
But this is the story about how I became a man.
Ooh, gee, Daisy, you sure make that dress look pretty.
Come here, stand right there.
[Duke] My father, J.E., was as smooth
as the transition from slavery to the prison-industrial complex.
Everyone at church is gonna be jealous.
Oh, J.E., you know you say that every Sunday.
And every Sunday I'm surprised the sermon isn't about your derrière.
Oh, your father.
As a kid, I had to take classical piano lessons,
and I hated it, 'cause learnin' sucks.
[Nick] Yes! Thank you. Exactly.
You're a very talented pianist, Edward.
Pianist... penis, vagina... Hold on!
Did you lose your virginity to your piano teacher?
Nick. Miss Clinkskales was an old maid.
Still unmarried at 25?
There was obviously something wrong with her.
Edward? Stop looking out the window.
I'm sorry, Miss Clinkscales,
but I have to go and never come back.
- [door slams] - Oh, don't feel bad for me.
I'm going home to get fucked by my lady companion, Ernestine.
If orgasms were money, I'd be a Rockefeller.
[Duke] All I wanted to do was play baseball
with my pals from the neighborhood.
- There was Big Bowser Blakely. - My bones hurt.
Then there was Crumbum Tootles and his dog, Half and Half.
- Toot, toot. - And, of course, Mondee Tuesdee,
whose leg faced the wrong way.
Whoo-hoo! My bones also hurt.
- [snorts] - Hey, what are you guys up to?
You playin' baseball?
We'd often get visited by former president Theodore Roosevelt,
who was retired and lookin' for shit to do.
Hold on, I'm sorry. Teddy Roosevelt, the president, watched you play baseball?
It's true! Joojle it!
No, we're okay, President Roosevelt.
Actually, you can call me Coach President Teddy Roosevelt Steve.
Did you guys hear they're gonna put my face on a mountain? So...
Eventually I stopped hitting baseballs and started hitting puberty,
and after that, all I wanted to do was chase girls.
What you lookin' at, fancy boy?
Ooh, you should ask her to rub some blue chalk on your cue stick,
put your two balls in her middle pocket.
You better run along to church with your mama.
Come along, Edward. Those pool hall folk are not our kind of people.
Wait, it sounds like that might have been the girl.
No spoilers, Nick.
What if I told you that everyone dies
in the Red Wedding episode of Game of Thrones?
What? Really? I haven't seen it yet.
And now you don't need to.
Yeah, I don't even watch Game of Thrones.
I don't watch anything on HBO.
Is that good? Is that what you guys wanted me to say?
[choir] ♪ Spare me, oh, Jesus From smallpox and cholera ♪
♪ From rickets and lockjaw, I pray ♪
[Duke] My mommy made sure prayer was a part of my life,
but I was busy praying for cooze.
The only holy trinity I was interested in was tits, clits, and ass.
♪ Spare me ♪
Oh, Lord, please use your infinite power
to make this girl's blouse fall off in church.
And also, I would like a puppy for Christmas.
- Edward. Eyes forward. - [Jay] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Did you have sex in church?
I came in a Bible once, but I think it was okay because I was at a funeral.
Jesus, Jay, at a funeral? Wait, how long have you been up here?
Long enough to know that this is a fuck story.
I just can't believe Duke's mom cock-blocked him like that.
Well, maybe she was jealous. I mean, Duke, you guys seemed way too close.
Well, I was close with my daddy too.
Like you showered with him growing up so much
that you can remember exactly what his dick looks like?
Anyway...
Thursdays after school, I'd accompany my daddy to work
where he was the butler for Lee Daniels.
Not that Lee Daniels, Lee Daniels' The Butler Lee Daniels,
he was the butler for Lee Daniels the doctor.
The butler.
Your bones, uh, they're haunted.
Drink this entire bottle of arsenic and ring me in the morning.
Dr. Daniels's daughter Margaret was a young, saucy suffragette.
Hello, Margaret, where are you off to?
Oh, hi, Edward. I'm on my way to the first ever women's march.
We want the right to vote.
And you want the right to stuff her ballot box
with three-fifths of your sex limb.
Good golly, Maurice.
Honestly, you're not workin' with a lot.
You might be able to pull off five fifths.
Or, as some people like to say,
"One whole child dick."
Well, I sure wish you luck, Margaret.
Thank you, Edward.
Well, I should leave for the march. Look, I made my own vagina bonnet.
And I made my own dick mittens.
[Duke] That Margaret sure was something.
Duke, did you lose your virginity to...
To a white girl?
Oh, no, I was gonna say a doctor's daughter?
Uh-huh, sure you were.
Ooh, I once fucked a Dr. Scholl's gel insert.
I rolled it up inside a blood pressure sleeve.
I lost a pediatrician that day.
Jay, some day you'll have to tell us the story
of your seemingly invincible dick,
but today is not that day.
You guys get your tickets for Atlantic City yet?
Atlantic City? What they got up in Atlantic City?
We're all gettin' summer jobs there.
And don't forget about summer blow jobs, fellas.
[all laughing]
Not a chance.
Atlantic City is a filthy place, full of booze, loose women, and good times.
But all my friends are going.
If all your friends jumped off the recently constructed Brooklyn Bridge,
- would you do it too? - Mother, I wanna see the world.
No, uh-uh. I want you as close as possible this summer.
I want to be able to see you when I pee.
Daddy, please.
Whatever your mama says, goes, Edward.
You can help work for Dr. Lee Daniels' The Butler.
Me. I'm the butler. This guy. These two thumbs. Butler thumbs.
And so I was stuck helpin' out my dad for the summer.
Son, come here, please.
Another rum and cocaine cola. Ooh, with extra morphine.
Gee, you sure make that dress look pretty.
Yeah, you do. Come here.
Mm-hm...
[gasps]
Oh, shit.
All of a sudden, my daddy had a change of heart
and thought me goin' to Atlantic City was a good idea.
- [chuckles] - Oh, yeah. Duke goin' to Atlantic City!
Big dick boy! Get fucked! Eat saltwater taffy!
- What is that voice? - Nick, it is truly cringe-worthy
to watch you become yourself.
[Nick] Sorry, sorry. So you were at the train station?
[Duke] It was my very first choo-choo train ride.
Bye, donkey.
Remember, Edward, when you're out in the world,
you're always on stage.
You represent us all.
- I know. - No pressure.
- I love you, Mother. - I love you too, my prince.
Kiss me on the lips.
- [lips smacking] - [train whistle blows]
Oh, we're never gonna get a gal with lips and nips as soft as your mama's.
And with that, you were off to discover jazz.
Actually, not yet.
Uh... [chuckles] Interesting,
because as a jazz-iseur, I can tell you that jazz,
or as it was known back then,
- "jass" with two Ss, had already began... - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you La La Land-ing me, kid?
La La Land.
Now, that is a definitive source for the history of jazz.
It didn't win the Oscar, but it lives on in our hearts.
Can't say the same about Moonlight.
- What? - Andrew, no one cares about the Oscars.
Duke was trying to tell us the story about the first time he jazzed
- into a woman's cotton club. - Yeah, let's get to the sex.
I'm getting there, you little virgins.
It's called foreplay.
And if you ever wanna have sex, you'd better learn how to do it.
♪ The trick is to say the word "Citibank" Into their goosh ♪
And so I was off.
Who knew what kind of adventures I would encounter?
- [gasps] - Oh, excuse me, miss.
- Why, you dropped your handkerchief. - Well, aren't you a dear? Thank you.
Thank you? That's code for "Please, sir, bust me the fuck wide open."
Hey, boy, get back to steerage where you belong.
Wait, so people were racist even back then? Shit.
Well, Jay, racism has always been a problem.
Up-bup-bup-bup-bup. I'll... I'll take this one.
- Duke's half right. - Jesus.
- You see, Jay, colorism... - Uh-oh.
...was based on the idea that lighter-complected Afro-Americans have...
Ooh, Andrew... Don't say Afro-Americans. You sound like Kramer.
Boy, do I love trains.
It's like a dick on wheels goin' through a tunnel.
[gasps] And the tunnel is a pussy. Am I the first guy to think of this?
- Oh, my goosh! - [train whistle blows]
Next stop, Atlantic City.
[a cappella jazz group harmonizing]
I literally can't imagine smaller bathing suits.
Hotsy-totsy.
The loose baggy skirts, the droopy swim caps, high socks.
They're basically nude.
[purrs]
I headed over to the Plaza Hotel to get a job as a bellhop.
But the only job they let me have was as a lowly dishwasher.
Hey, Edward, come out tonight and see this piano player, Harvey Brooks.
His music is the only thing that soothes my ever-growin' bones.
I don't wanna listen to piano. I wanna meet dames.
Oh, come on. I'll get my girl to bring her sister for you.
Say yes. Nothin' floods a girl's basement like havin' her sister nearby.
All right, I'll come along. For the fanny, not the pianny.
Whoo-hoo! I spit on every plate.
All right, we're sneakin' in through the kitchen,
so act cool like an ice box,
which is what we used to call refrigerators
back in this time, which is now.
That was the night that changed my life.
[jazz band playing]
[Jay] Duke's definitely gonna make thick in the warm tonight.
[Duke] It was beautiful.
The room was alive with gorgeous people,
talented musicians, and one of those guys wearin' a pickle barrel on suspenders.
I got a nice half-sour under here, hon.
You wanna jerk my gherk? Tickle my pickle?
Crunch down on my crispy penis?
Oh, yoo-hoo! We'll have two new-fashioneds, please.
It was my first drink, and it knocked my socks off.
♪ Socks were very loose back then ♪
♪ That's why men clipped them To their undies ♪
Gee, you sure make that dress look pretty.
[giggles]
Edward, that is the corniest line I ever heard.
Here, smoke, don't talk.
Ladies and gentlemen, lads and lasses,
Turks and Caicos, please welcome to the stage
the marvelous Harvey Brooks.
[cheering and applause]
[plays ragtime tune]
Wowee-zowee.
- What is this? - It's ragtime, Edward.
Ragtime?
Oh, shucks, that means you're probably not gonna have any sex tonight.
Hearin' Harvey Brooks play was a spiritual experience.
- It was so beautiful, I could see it. - [fireworks whistling]
I felt the music wash over me.
It had me, right then and there.
- Whoo! - [laughs]
Yeah, I love ragtime.
We'll just put a towel down.
Every pretty girl rushed over to get Harvey's attention,
and suddenly, I wanted to play the piano again.
Okay, I'm puttin' five on that ragtime girl.
We got five crisp ones on ragtime.
What the hell are you boys doing?
We're taking bets on which girl popped your cock cherry.
Ruff-ruff. Ruchshund. Dachshund.
I lost my virginity to a dachshund.
All right, I got five bucks on the pool hall waitress.
Oh, wait a minute. What if it's a twist ending?
I'm putting everything on Crumbum Tootles.
- Crumbum? - Yep, he's up there. It's 130 to one odds.
He's right below Teddy Roosevelt's horse.
You boys are missin' the point.
I needed to know how Harvey played the piano like that.
So I waited for him all night.
Mr Brooks? Sir? My name is Edward Ellington.
You were amazing tonight.
And I'm Maurice Beverley, Mr. Brooks.
You can't see or hear me, but I too am a big fan.
You had the whole room in the palm of your hand.
How do I make girls melt like that?
[laughs] That's just ragtime, Edward.
You play a huggin' and rubbin' song,
and I promise the girls will melt for you too.
- Ain't that right, ladies? - [giggling]
A what-in' and what-in' song?
Huggin' and rubbin'. You know, a crotch-warmer.
A poon tune. A quim hymn. A nasty set to make 'em soppin' wet.
Mr. Brooks, would you teach me everything you know?
Yes, please teach us. I'll give you anything.
How about my archdick, Ferdinand?
All right, kid, but first, I gotta take these girls back to my place.
I'll be back in eight minutes.
Eight strong minutes. That includes the walk.
Oh, no. This marks the beginning of World War Cum.
Harvey taught me that entire summer, and I worked harder than I ever had.
- Like this? - Come on, put your hand down.
You've gotta get the people outta their chairs.
- Slam those pinkies and thumbs. Slam one. - Yeah, okay.
Ah, Scheiße!
Okay, okay, let's slow it down now.
- Now I'm gettin' it. - There you go.
You're learnin' real quick, boy.
Today we are more than a collection of penises.
We are a circle of jerks.
Ah. I can't feel my balls!
- I can't feel my balls! - Hey, don't look down. Look at me.
- Okay. - Tell me about your farm in Virginia.
- Oh, the farm? - Yeah, that's right.
There's pubes as far as the eye can see.
- Ah. - No! Nooooo!
[sobbing]
Hug those keys, rub those keys.
Ragtime. Hah! I'm so proud of you.
[poignant music playing]
[sobbing]
That was one crazy summer.
- Oh! The prodigal son has returned! - Mm.
Look at you with a mustache.
- You look bigger. - All right.
You... you feel bigger.
- Come sit with your mama while she pees. - Mama,
I don't think I should do that anymore.
Oh, okay. It's just that I've been holding it all summer.
A lot of things had changed that summer.
♪ I been sniffin' in your kitchen And it sure smells good ♪
♪ Your cookies are the talk Of the neighborhood ♪
♪ But, come on, honey, Won't you give me a slice of your pie? ♪
♪ I wanna nibble your biscuits ♪
Why are y'all celebratin'?
Good penises died, and for what?
♪ Lift up your apron And give me a slice of that pie ♪
Edward, I will not have that heathen music in my house.
I'm sorry, but this music is who I am now.
Well, that's not the boy I raised. Everyone out.
[sighs]
I'm sorry, everybody.
[Nick] You didn't listen to your mom, did you?
Yeah, respectfully speaking here, fuck that bitch mom you had.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, gentlemen,
we cannot understand the societal pressure a black mother is under.
Oh, Christ.
As someone who's dated a woman of color - uh, Missy -
I have a unique perspective inner voice...
Andrew, didn't you recently go to a neo-Nazi meeting?
I... It was... Yes.
Anyway, I had to play my music somewhere,
and the only place I knew
was Frank Holliday's pool room.
[sighs] Well, here goes nothin'.
The place was dark and dangerous.
Hello, I'll take a Skinnygirl Margarita
and some cold edamame with a little sea salt sprinkled on top.
What you lookin' at?
[Jay] Shit, I wanna switch my money to the pool hall girl.
No, too late, Jay, you put all your money on Crumbum.
[groans] Toot-toot.
[scattered applause]
I got a song like that.
- Maybe even better. - Mm-hm.
- The name's Edward. - Oh, I remember you real good.
Oh, you do?
Yeah, you're that little high yellow bitch boy who holds his mommy's hand
- on the way to church. - [laughter]
I don't hold her hand anymore.
I'm a big bitch boy.
You think you some sort of gangster now?
- Please. - Uh-oh.
Why don't you go home and crawl up in your mama's panties?
[laughter]
- She fuckin' slayed you, man. - I didn't belong anywhere.
Not at the pool hall, not at home.
- [groans] - I felt like a lonely soldier,
who'd watched his best friend die in his arms
- and then came back a shell of a penis. - [Andrew] Sorry, a shell of a penis?
Have you not been seeing the dicks?
- Huh? - It's all I've been watching, honestly.
- Interesting. - It's heartbreaking.
Anyway, I needed some advice,
so I went to the ghost who lived in my attic.
♪ The ghost of Harriet Tubman ♪ Yeah!
What? Your ghost was Harriet Tubman?
Oh, well, I'm so sorry you got stuck with old garbage-ass Duke Ellington.
No, no, no, no, no. You're great, Duke, but come on,
I mean, until Trump got elected,
Harriet Tubman was gonna be on the $20 bill.
- Oh, yeah, what happened with that? - I think it's gonna be Papa John now.
- That makes sense. - What do I do, Harriet?
Well, when I escaped the plantation
and reached the Mason-Dixon Line,
I didn't feel relieved.
I felt torn between my family back home and my freedom.
Exactly, just like I'm torn between my family and my freedom.
Negro, no. I was tellin' that story
to help you understand how minute your bullshit dilemma is,
and you somehow equated escapin' slavery
to wantin' to play piano in a dirty club
- for pussy? - Is that so bad?
Yes! If you're comparin' it to human bondage,
that's profoundly narcissistic,
which I guess is useful if you want to be a great musician.
I do want to be a great musician.
So then don't be ashamed of where you come from,
and don't be afraid of where you're going.
Like how you felt at the Mason-Dixon Line.
Oh, what kinda house nigga... No!
I wasn't proud of bein' a slave, and I was ecstatic to be free.
Just be yourself, Edward. Shit, what the fuck is wrong with you?
[Duke] It all clicked in that moment.
I knew what I needed to do.
Thank you, Harriet.
Pansy-ass spoiled little baby doll. You dress like a baby doll.
Uh, get back in your cabinet, doll.
I had to write a piece of music that was truly me.
Somethin' that would make women sneeze through their knees
and make my mama proud.
[sneezes]
Hello, uh, I'm Alan.
I stayed up all night creating my masterpiece.
Holy shit. Did you lose your virginity to Harriet Tubman?
No! But somebody did. Isn't that wild?
You sure about this, Edward? The poon tunes were workin' so well.
Look, Maurice, I'm still all about gushin' that goosh,
but I want to do it my way.
A sophisticated way.
Coming to the stage next... Duke Ellington.
[scattered applause]
Duke. I like that. It's like dick but with a little U in it.
Thank you. This song is about my favorite kind of girl,
a sophisticated girl.
[mellow intro]
I wanted every single girl in the house to feel like the song was about them.
Little bitch boy, damn.
[Nick] Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Harvey Brooks, the ghost of Harriet Tubman, they were all there?
[Duke] Everyone was there.
I'm Teddy Roosevelt, and I suffer from water polio,
and my wife is Eleanor DeGeneres.
I got everything right, baby.
Oh, Alan.
I could suddenly see my whole life before me.
[smooth jazz playing]
Yes, everyone was there. Except the woman who mattered most.
Ah. Look at that.
[cheering]
[chanting] Duke! Duke! Duke!
Duke! Duke! Duke!
It turns out you're not my prince after all. You're my Duke.
- [sniffles] - Maurice, why are you sad?
Oh, my friend, I'm not sad, I'm happy.
You are going to fuck so many women.
And that's how I became the great Duke Ellington.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. That can't be the end.
We still don't know who you lost your virginity to.
Yeah. Who was the sophisticated girl?
- Well, the sophisticated girl was... - [drumroll]
♪ Jazz! ♪
- Ugh! - Boo!
- Boo! No! - Hooray. Opposite of boo.
- Great ending. - No!
We wanna know who you first dug out.
Sorry, boys. A gentleman never remembers. [chuckles]
Well, lookin' at the board here, nobody bet on jazz.
Except for the good guys, like me, who always bet on ja...
[shudders] Blah, blah, blah, I'm Andrew.
I'm smug, and I like to punch myself in the chode.
Ooh.
- [groaning] - Oof.
- It's not a chode. - Come on, buddy,
let's go put a frozen steak on your little chunkster.
You know what, Duke?
Learning about your life was actually really interesting.
I'm glad you died in my house.
Ah, thanks, Nick. I can't wait
to watch you copy and paste your report from my Wikipedia page.
'Cause you didn't write down a goddamn thing I said.
- Oh, it's all up here, Duke. - No it's not.
[sighs]
["Haupe" plays]
We had some great times, didn't we, Edward?
Great times indeed, Maurice.
Psssh!
And, you know, it wouldn't have been nearly as great without you in my ear.
Duke, it's been my pleasure.
I've been assigned to a lot of boys, but you, mwah! The best.
Kids just don't nut like they used to.
[laughs]
They don't. Love you, old pal.
- Love you too. - Oh, uh, Maurice,
that seven dollars you owe me?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I... I totally got you.
It's in my car. It's in... It's in my coat.
It's in my coat which is in my car, so...
I gotta go.
- After you. - [giggles]
Here we go.
[laughs] Aaah!
[train horn blares]
["Haupe" continues to play]
[kazoo plays]
- Fathouse. - [light bulb buzzing]
- Chirp. - Haha. Good At Bizness.