1 00:00:09,447 --> 00:00:12,283 Boy, oh, boy. That last episode, the one that took place in the future, 2 00:00:12,366 --> 00:00:13,367 was banar-nar. 3 00:00:13,451 --> 00:00:14,744 Yeah, we weren't even in it! 4 00:00:14,827 --> 00:00:16,454 I wonder what they're gonna do with this episode. 5 00:00:16,537 --> 00:00:20,583 Says here, it's called "Four Stories About Hand Stuff." 6 00:00:20,666 --> 00:00:21,709 Hand stuff? 7 00:00:21,792 --> 00:00:25,588 Like fingering and hand jobs. Ooh, we better be in this one, mama. 8 00:00:25,671 --> 00:00:28,799 Yeah! If we're not, then I'm gonna have a word with Mark Levin. 9 00:00:28,883 --> 00:00:30,092 Who--? Who's Mark Levin? 10 00:00:30,176 --> 00:00:31,010 You know! 11 00:00:31,093 --> 00:00:34,597 He's one of those four "Created By" names at the end of the theme song. 12 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:35,681 Four's a lot, huh? 13 00:00:35,765 --> 00:00:38,059 I heard they're all married to each other. 14 00:00:38,142 --> 00:00:39,435 Fucking Hollywood. 15 00:00:39,518 --> 00:00:41,812 -[clicks] -["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays] 16 00:00:41,896 --> 00:00:47,526 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 17 00:00:51,447 --> 00:00:57,203 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 18 00:00:57,578 --> 00:00:59,747 ♪ Oh, in my life ♪ 19 00:01:01,165 --> 00:01:04,543 ♪ Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪ 20 00:01:10,424 --> 00:01:11,967 Oh, look at that! Mark Levin. 21 00:01:12,051 --> 00:01:13,803 One of the three husbands. Okay. 22 00:01:14,595 --> 00:01:15,763 [wheels squeaking] 23 00:01:18,933 --> 00:01:21,352 Excuse me. Are you Devin LeSeven? 24 00:01:21,435 --> 00:01:23,145 Of course I am, Caleb. 25 00:01:23,229 --> 00:01:24,271 You've been served. 26 00:01:24,355 --> 00:01:25,648 What is this? 27 00:01:25,731 --> 00:01:27,066 Devon is divorcing you 28 00:01:27,149 --> 00:01:30,152 because you have differences that are not able to be reconciled. 29 00:01:30,236 --> 00:01:32,404 -[Devin] Irreconcilable! -Hey, Caleb. How'd she take it? 30 00:01:32,488 --> 00:01:33,823 With her right hand. 31 00:01:34,406 --> 00:01:36,325 Oh, my... 32 00:01:36,408 --> 00:01:38,119 Guys! I have tragic 33 00:01:38,202 --> 00:01:40,663 and very gratifying information to tell you. 34 00:01:40,746 --> 00:01:44,375 Devon is divorcing Devin. It's, like, really, really sad! 35 00:01:44,458 --> 00:01:46,210 Huh. I guess you never really know 36 00:01:46,293 --> 00:01:47,962 what's going on in someone else's marriage. 37 00:01:48,045 --> 00:01:52,550 It is so sobering to watch a friend get, like, legally dumped. 38 00:01:52,633 --> 00:01:53,592 What happened? 39 00:01:53,676 --> 00:01:56,220 Was it because Devin never listened to anything Devon ever said 40 00:01:56,303 --> 00:01:58,472 and tried to make him into a completely different person? 41 00:01:58,556 --> 00:02:01,809 Word on the supposed street is Devon broke up with her 42 00:02:01,892 --> 00:02:04,019 because she wouldn't give him a hand job. 43 00:02:04,145 --> 00:02:06,188 [grunts] It's very upsetting. 44 00:02:06,272 --> 00:02:07,314 Are you serious? 45 00:02:07,398 --> 00:02:09,400 Does this mean that all the guys are gonna expect hand jobs now? 46 00:02:09,483 --> 00:02:12,361 We don't have to do anything that we're not comfortable doing. 47 00:02:12,444 --> 00:02:16,782 Wrong! I once discussed this very matter with my mom's boyfriend in the kitchen 48 00:02:16,866 --> 00:02:20,953 at 11 p.m. while he was refilling a Powerade bottle with tap water. 49 00:02:21,036 --> 00:02:22,454 -Oh, Jesus. -Oh, no. 50 00:02:22,538 --> 00:02:24,748 -Lola! -And excuse me! 51 00:02:24,832 --> 00:02:28,460 He assured me that if you wanna keep your man, you gotta put out! 52 00:02:28,544 --> 00:02:31,338 -Dude, you've got this all wrong. -Yeah, dude. 53 00:02:31,422 --> 00:02:32,965 Well, this is rich. 54 00:02:33,048 --> 00:02:35,551 What do you two lesbos know about pleasing a man? 55 00:02:35,634 --> 00:02:39,263 I'm just saying it's lame to only focus on the boys, okay? What about us? 56 00:02:39,346 --> 00:02:41,265 Get to the point, Ali. I'm a busy lady. 57 00:02:41,348 --> 00:02:43,767 She means it can feel really fucking good to get fingered. 58 00:02:43,851 --> 00:02:45,978 Hell, yeah! [trills] 59 00:02:46,061 --> 00:02:48,647 So, Lola, maybe it's not your job to please your man, 60 00:02:48,731 --> 00:02:50,983 maybe it's his job to please you. 61 00:02:51,066 --> 00:02:51,942 Oh f-- 62 00:02:53,819 --> 00:02:56,113 Let me know when you're done with "Arts and Leisure." 63 00:02:56,238 --> 00:02:59,783 I'm done, babe. It was just a review of Pippin, and they did not like it. 64 00:02:59,867 --> 00:03:02,828 Jay, honey, have you been following this Devins story? 65 00:03:02,912 --> 00:03:04,413 Oh, yeah. Wild stuff. 66 00:03:04,496 --> 00:03:05,789 It really is, right? 67 00:03:05,873 --> 00:03:07,708 But it did get me thinking... 68 00:03:07,791 --> 00:03:10,294 Should we do a hand job? 69 00:03:10,377 --> 00:03:11,337 Hmm. 70 00:03:11,420 --> 00:03:14,215 Color me intrigued, but in actuality, 71 00:03:14,298 --> 00:03:16,050 I had something different in mind. 72 00:03:16,133 --> 00:03:18,260 Two dinners at two different Panda Expresses? 73 00:03:18,344 --> 00:03:22,890 No! Jay, I want you to hand-job me with your finger. 74 00:03:23,015 --> 00:03:26,310 Oh, okay, you want me to finger you. 75 00:03:26,393 --> 00:03:28,479 Totally! I can get on board for that. 76 00:03:28,562 --> 00:03:31,065 Ooh, wait a minute, though. I gotta go get my nails trimmed. 77 00:03:31,148 --> 00:03:32,942 It's a three-man operation. 78 00:03:33,025 --> 00:03:36,403 -[grunts] Yeah. -You're hurting me! Oh, my God! 79 00:03:36,487 --> 00:03:37,571 [grunts] Wow. 80 00:03:37,655 --> 00:03:40,491 I should have asked earlier, but why are we cutting your nails? 81 00:03:40,574 --> 00:03:41,533 Uh, no big deal. 82 00:03:41,617 --> 00:03:45,454 My lady and I have a date for some...  fingering. 83 00:03:45,537 --> 00:03:48,415 Whoa! Aren't you, like, scared to, you know... [groans nervously] 84 00:03:48,499 --> 00:03:50,501 No! I'm the Ultimate Fuck Machine, guys! 85 00:03:50,584 --> 00:03:51,752 Sure, Jay, with pillows. 86 00:03:51,835 --> 00:03:54,088 But this is a real girl with a real vagina. 87 00:03:54,171 --> 00:03:56,674 Yeah, I know! It's like a dick, but inside out. 88 00:03:56,757 --> 00:03:58,592 I think it's more complicated than that. 89 00:03:58,676 --> 00:03:59,677 -Doubt it. -Listen to him. 90 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:01,929 -I'm sorry, what do you mean? -It-- it's underneath. 91 00:04:02,012 --> 00:04:03,514 -No, it points straight out. -No. 92 00:04:03,597 --> 00:04:06,308 If it points down, everything's gonna come flopping out! 93 00:04:06,392 --> 00:04:08,018 Oh, God, Jay, you're in over your head. 94 00:04:08,102 --> 00:04:10,396 What do you two lesbos know about pleasing a girl, anyway? 95 00:04:10,479 --> 00:04:13,190 I'd say lesbians would probably know exactly how to please a girl. 96 00:04:13,274 --> 00:04:15,276 You know what? Fuck this! I'll talk to the experts. 97 00:04:15,359 --> 00:04:17,736 Hey, Val, Kurt. Are you guys busy? 98 00:04:17,820 --> 00:04:20,155 Yeah, we're pulling a turtle out  of its shell. 99 00:04:20,239 --> 00:04:22,116 Yeah, well, that seems really cool. 100 00:04:22,199 --> 00:04:25,703 I just was, you know, wondering... I'm supposed to finger my girlfriend-- 101 00:04:25,786 --> 00:04:28,080 -Gay. -[laughs] So gay. 102 00:04:28,163 --> 00:04:32,626 But if I was to do it, like, do you have any advice? 103 00:04:32,710 --> 00:04:34,336 You've come to the right place. 104 00:04:34,420 --> 00:04:37,840 Together, we claimed to have fingered over 3,000 women. 105 00:04:37,923 --> 00:04:41,677 So, first off, you want to get as many fingers in there as possible. 106 00:04:41,760 --> 00:04:43,846 -Obviously. -And you gotta get elbow-deep, 107 00:04:43,929 --> 00:04:46,515 like it's a vending machine and your Cheetos didn't fall down, 108 00:04:46,598 --> 00:04:49,226 -so you really gotta reach up. -And they like that? 109 00:04:49,310 --> 00:04:51,061 Also, you need a signature move. 110 00:04:51,145 --> 00:04:53,814 -I, for example, shove a booger up there. -Booger... 111 00:04:53,897 --> 00:04:57,067 That way, if it's still there the next time you fingerblast her, 112 00:04:57,151 --> 00:04:58,527 you know she's not cheating on you. 113 00:04:58,610 --> 00:05:00,446 Well, that makes sense. Thanks, guys. 114 00:05:00,529 --> 00:05:03,115 Do you know this is the longest conversation we've ever had? 115 00:05:03,198 --> 00:05:04,450 -Fuck you! -[groans] 116 00:05:04,533 --> 00:05:05,951 [gasps] Worth it. 117 00:05:06,035 --> 00:05:08,454 Physical touch means you love me. 118 00:05:09,705 --> 00:05:11,707 [both moaning] 119 00:05:13,292 --> 00:05:15,502 All right, Jay, the time has come... 120 00:05:15,586 --> 00:05:16,879 -Oh, my God. -Are you ready? 121 00:05:16,962 --> 00:05:19,131 I am so ready! 122 00:05:19,214 --> 00:05:21,967 -Babe, I'm gonna rock that twat. -You are. 123 00:05:22,051 --> 00:05:25,721 You're gonna be louder than the iHeartRadio music festival. 124 00:05:25,804 --> 00:05:28,390 Oh, my God! You are so wet. 125 00:05:28,474 --> 00:05:30,976 That's my belly button. It's full of lotion. 126 00:05:31,060 --> 00:05:32,102 Oh, oh! Sorry. Sorry. 127 00:05:32,186 --> 00:05:35,356 -That's okay. It's there for a reason. -Oh! Oh! Oh! 128 00:05:35,439 --> 00:05:36,732 -Yeah. -Okay. Now this... 129 00:05:36,815 --> 00:05:38,525 this has gotta be the vagina. 130 00:05:38,609 --> 00:05:40,903 If it's not, I'm gonna probably go crazy. 131 00:05:40,986 --> 00:05:43,072 Well, Jay, then worry you no more, 132 00:05:43,155 --> 00:05:46,075 because you have officially entered my kingdom. 133 00:05:46,158 --> 00:05:49,286 -Oh, fuck. Yes, my queen. -[both moan] 134 00:05:49,370 --> 00:05:51,872 -Let's get up in there.  -Okay. 135 00:05:51,955 --> 00:05:55,834 -[Jay] All right, more fingers. -[Lola] It's a little crowded in there. 136 00:05:55,918 --> 00:05:57,169 -Oh, babe. -Elbow-deep. 137 00:05:57,252 --> 00:05:59,630 [Lola] You're kinda, like, jackhammering a little too much. 138 00:05:59,713 --> 00:06:01,548 -Okay. -Maybe take the gas off the pedal-- 139 00:06:01,632 --> 00:06:03,592 Gotta get those chips out of the vending machine. 140 00:06:03,675 --> 00:06:05,761 -[Lola] No! It's like-- -The thing ate my quarter! 141 00:06:05,844 --> 00:06:07,971 This isn't feeling good. Stop it! Stop! 142 00:06:08,055 --> 00:06:09,264 What happened? Did you cum? 143 00:06:09,348 --> 00:06:10,432 -No. -Are you sure? 144 00:06:10,516 --> 00:06:13,310 Jay, what you're doing, like, doesn't feel very good! 145 00:06:13,394 --> 00:06:15,229 Are you saying I'm bad at fingering? 146 00:06:15,312 --> 00:06:19,733 No, you're saying it, but I'm, like, 100% agreeing with you. 147 00:06:19,817 --> 00:06:22,403 -Maybe you're bad at getting fingered! -What? 148 00:06:22,486 --> 00:06:24,029 I talked to a lot of guys about this. 149 00:06:24,113 --> 00:06:27,324 But you never talked to any girls, and most specifically me, 150 00:06:27,408 --> 00:06:29,868 whose wagina you were just ruining, 151 00:06:29,952 --> 00:06:31,829 and not in the way that I wanted! 152 00:06:31,912 --> 00:06:34,665 Why would I talk to you about your own body? 153 00:06:34,748 --> 00:06:36,375 Do you hear how crazy that sounds? 154 00:06:36,458 --> 00:06:40,003 It's better than what you just did to my previously eager hole. 155 00:06:40,087 --> 00:06:41,880 But if I ask you what to do, 156 00:06:41,964 --> 00:06:44,967 then you'll know I have no idea what I'm doing! 157 00:06:45,050 --> 00:06:46,427 But, Jay, that's okay. 158 00:06:46,510 --> 00:06:50,347 Why don't you just, like, let me guide you and show you what I like? 159 00:06:50,431 --> 00:06:52,766 Fuck. Okay. [chuckles] 160 00:06:52,850 --> 00:06:54,560 Teach me the ways of your kingdom. 161 00:06:54,643 --> 00:06:57,104 With pleasure, Jay-zilla. 162 00:06:57,479 --> 00:06:58,897 Okay, here we go. 163 00:06:58,981 --> 00:07:01,817 [grunts] Okay, I'm just gonna shove my way through! 164 00:07:01,900 --> 00:07:04,236 -No, like, gently. -Oh, okay. 165 00:07:04,319 --> 00:07:07,364 Now maybe, like, try rubbing the outside? 166 00:07:07,448 --> 00:07:08,407 -Yeah. -Like that? 167 00:07:08,490 --> 00:07:10,617 Uh-huh. But, like, a tiny bit firmer. 168 00:07:10,701 --> 00:07:12,077 -Like that? -Just like that, yes. 169 00:07:12,161 --> 00:07:13,078 I want to go in! 170 00:07:13,162 --> 00:07:14,079 -Calm down! -Okay. 171 00:07:14,163 --> 00:07:15,831 Go in slowly, okay? 172 00:07:15,914 --> 00:07:16,874 Is this what you like? 173 00:07:16,957 --> 00:07:18,625 -Yeah! -Do I go in all the way in now? 174 00:07:18,709 --> 00:07:20,252 [Lola] No, no. Now, go out. 175 00:07:20,335 --> 00:07:21,628 -Okay. -Now go back in. 176 00:07:21,712 --> 00:07:22,963 -Really? -Now go out. 177 00:07:23,046 --> 00:07:24,298 -Okay. -A little slower. 178 00:07:24,381 --> 00:07:25,257 [Jay] Okay, okay. 179 00:07:25,340 --> 00:07:27,509 Actually, the most important part is up top. 180 00:07:27,593 --> 00:07:29,303 -Is that... -Yes, Jay! 181 00:07:29,386 --> 00:07:31,722 -Okay. -That is clitorally my clitoris. 182 00:07:31,805 --> 00:07:34,892 Whoa! And who are the archers? 183 00:07:34,975 --> 00:07:37,311 Oh, those are my pubes, the Knights of St. Joseph. 184 00:07:37,394 --> 00:07:38,562 They're sworn to protect me. 185 00:07:38,645 --> 00:07:40,981 You're doing splendidly, Jay-zilla! 186 00:07:41,064 --> 00:07:42,649 -Thanks, guys! -Back to the bell! 187 00:07:42,733 --> 00:07:45,027 Oh! Okay! Okay! Should I squeeze it as hard as I can? 188 00:07:45,110 --> 00:07:46,737 -Don't squeeze it. Pet the bell. -Okay. 189 00:07:46,820 --> 00:07:48,405 -Pet the bell back and forth. -Okay! 190 00:07:48,489 --> 00:07:49,573 -Yes! Keep doing that! -Okay. 191 00:07:49,656 --> 00:07:52,159 Can you do a small circle? Faster! Faster! 192 00:07:52,242 --> 00:07:55,787 -Huzzah! -Oh, my God! My leg is straightening. 193 00:07:55,871 --> 00:07:59,875 Hallelujah! Thank you to the large lizard for ending our drought! 194 00:07:59,958 --> 00:08:04,379 'Tis a most noble honor to serve the realm of this tween queen's vagina! 195 00:08:04,463 --> 00:08:05,547 -Jay! -[sighs] 196 00:08:05,631 --> 00:08:07,841 You just gave me a literal orgasm. 197 00:08:07,925 --> 00:08:11,178 Yeah, I guess I really am the Ultimate Fuck Machine, huh? 198 00:08:11,261 --> 00:08:12,429 -No, Jay! -Oh! 199 00:08:12,513 --> 00:08:15,015 You're the Ultimate Listening Machine. 200 00:08:15,098 --> 00:08:17,559 Oh, shit. 201 00:08:17,643 --> 00:08:20,354 May I return the favor, Jay-zilla? 202 00:08:20,437 --> 00:08:21,688 I appreciate the offer, babe, 203 00:08:21,772 --> 00:08:26,068 but I full-on painted the inside of my jeans while I was fingering you. 204 00:08:26,151 --> 00:08:27,819 Four coats, including primer. 205 00:08:27,903 --> 00:08:30,822 Oh, Jay! I am deeply humbled. 206 00:08:30,906 --> 00:08:33,951 I fucking worship you! 207 00:08:34,034 --> 00:08:36,119 Right back at you, King Finger! 208 00:08:39,164 --> 00:08:43,460 I am devastated by the end of my marriage. 209 00:08:43,544 --> 00:08:45,212 Please respect my privacy 210 00:08:45,295 --> 00:08:49,758 as I go live all day and answer questions from literally anyone. 211 00:08:49,841 --> 00:08:51,218 #DevinsPrivacy. 212 00:08:51,301 --> 00:08:53,804 Oh, that poor girl, bless her heart. 213 00:08:53,887 --> 00:08:57,391 I hope the divorce wasn't because she's got that doo-doo brown hair. 214 00:08:57,474 --> 00:08:59,601 I bet she doesn't know whether to brush it or flush it. 215 00:08:59,685 --> 00:09:01,687 [laughs] Matthew! You're so funny. 216 00:09:01,770 --> 00:09:04,147 But divorce is no laughing matter. 217 00:09:04,231 --> 00:09:06,191 You know they're children, right? 218 00:09:06,275 --> 00:09:08,652 -Children who broke their vows. -Oh, look, we're here. 219 00:09:08,735 --> 00:09:10,737 Love you, sweet pea! 220 00:09:10,821 --> 00:09:13,532 Have fun  at your Interfaith Council meeting! 221 00:09:13,615 --> 00:09:14,908 Interfaith Council meeting? 222 00:09:14,992 --> 00:09:17,452 I thought we were going to Aiden's house to meet his friends. 223 00:09:17,536 --> 00:09:20,080 You know, bro out with da boyz! 224 00:09:20,163 --> 00:09:21,164 Yeah, we are. 225 00:09:21,248 --> 00:09:22,833 Then why couldn't she drop us off there? 226 00:09:22,916 --> 00:09:24,793 Not that I'm complaining. I could use the cardio. 227 00:09:24,876 --> 00:09:26,878 My mom and I have this great arrangement going 228 00:09:26,962 --> 00:09:29,673 where I'm gay and neither of us talk about it. 229 00:09:29,756 --> 00:09:33,051 Also, honey, you do not need the cardio. You look fantastic. 230 00:09:33,135 --> 00:09:34,469 No, really? 231 00:09:34,553 --> 00:09:36,471 'Cause I feel fucking fat. 232 00:09:36,555 --> 00:09:39,516 Because, Lumphump311, 233 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:41,059 I have carpal tunnel, 234 00:09:41,143 --> 00:09:44,396 and if I hand-jobbed him, my wrist would literally shatter. 235 00:09:44,479 --> 00:09:47,232 Ugh, this girl is so basic with her wack-ass excuses. 236 00:09:47,316 --> 00:09:51,486 For real! Honey, take a Benadryl and slap that dick around, okay? 237 00:09:51,570 --> 00:09:53,405 It's, like, not a big deal. 238 00:09:53,488 --> 00:09:55,240 Her hair... Now that's a big deal. 239 00:09:55,324 --> 00:09:57,492 Is it me or does she have Waffle House bangs? 240 00:09:57,576 --> 00:09:59,161 -[laughing] -Ooh, you should keep him! 241 00:09:59,244 --> 00:10:01,246 Grow up, bitch. It's just a hand job. 242 00:10:01,330 --> 00:10:03,081 You know how straight people are. 243 00:10:03,165 --> 00:10:04,916 -Prude. -Yes, so prude. 244 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,835 I mean, all my gay friends are hand-jobbing. 245 00:10:06,918 --> 00:10:08,795 But you and Aiden aren't hand-jobbing. 246 00:10:08,879 --> 00:10:11,673 -Oh, God, should we be? -Ooh! Ooh! He just squeezed your hand. 247 00:10:11,757 --> 00:10:13,675 -What does that mean? -Isn't it obvious? 248 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:17,804 He wants you to grab his boy rope and play tug-of-war with his taint! 249 00:10:17,888 --> 00:10:19,139 -Really? -And before you ask, 250 00:10:19,222 --> 00:10:21,433 there's literally nothing else it could mean! 251 00:10:21,516 --> 00:10:24,519 I don't know, Maury, I don't think I'm ready to give Aiden a hand job. 252 00:10:24,603 --> 00:10:27,189 That's fine! He can jerk you off. 253 00:10:27,272 --> 00:10:29,483 -What if I don't wanna do any of it? -You have to do it. 254 00:10:29,566 --> 00:10:30,525 I do? Why? 255 00:10:30,609 --> 00:10:33,612 Because of the sacrifices of your gay forefathers. 256 00:10:33,695 --> 00:10:36,114 Have you not seen my episode of Spunk History? 257 00:10:36,198 --> 00:10:37,199 You mean Drunk History? 258 00:10:37,282 --> 00:10:39,242 -No, no, no, Spunk History. -Hmm. 259 00:10:39,326 --> 00:10:41,370 I chug a bunch of my own jizz 260 00:10:41,453 --> 00:10:43,580 -and tell stories about the past. -Uh-huh. 261 00:10:43,664 --> 00:10:45,707 Anyway, I'll show it to you. It's on my phone. 262 00:10:45,791 --> 00:10:47,876 Sorry it's cracked. I dropped it in the bathroom. 263 00:10:47,959 --> 00:10:50,796 Oh! Hachi machi, this stuff is strong. 264 00:10:50,879 --> 00:10:52,005 Okay, where were we? 265 00:10:52,089 --> 00:10:55,884 So when the Bible was happening, the prophet Abraham was like... 266 00:10:55,967 --> 00:10:57,761 Hey, I'm Abraham. 267 00:10:57,844 --> 00:11:00,180 And God says, "It's Adam and Eve, 268 00:11:00,263 --> 00:11:02,557 not Chuck and Larry..."  Whatever, you know what I mean. 269 00:11:02,641 --> 00:11:05,060 -[belches] Fuck, I'm drunk. -[mumbles, snores] 270 00:11:05,143 --> 00:11:06,812 Shh! Shh! Don't wake the kid. 271 00:11:06,978 --> 00:11:08,563 -Okay, where was I? -[man] The Bible. 272 00:11:08,647 --> 00:11:09,523 Right, the Bible. 273 00:11:09,606 --> 00:11:12,693 Okay, so fast-forward, like, a hundred million years, 274 00:11:12,776 --> 00:11:15,195 and being gay, like... [sputters] 275 00:11:15,278 --> 00:11:16,405 ...gets you in trouble. 276 00:11:16,488 --> 00:11:19,408 For example, there's this dude, Oscar Wilde. 277 00:11:19,491 --> 00:11:22,077 He liked guys,  and they put him in jail for it. 278 00:11:22,160 --> 00:11:23,453 And he's like... 279 00:11:23,537 --> 00:11:25,622 "This is very uncool. 280 00:11:25,747 --> 00:11:30,168 If I'm stuck in here, I can't write Billy Elliot." [chuckles] 281 00:11:30,252 --> 00:11:31,503 Ay! [groans] 282 00:11:31,586 --> 00:11:32,838 Are these getting thicker? 283 00:11:32,921 --> 00:11:35,382 Okay, so they're putting gay people in jail, 284 00:11:35,465 --> 00:11:38,719 but then in 1969, sexy year, woo-woo... 285 00:11:38,802 --> 00:11:40,929 all the queers got to go to Stonewall. 286 00:11:41,012 --> 00:11:44,141 And Marsha P. Johnson, she threw out the first pitch. 287 00:11:44,224 --> 00:11:45,684 Gay ball! 288 00:11:45,767 --> 00:11:49,020 And then the laws started to change, so now we have 289 00:11:49,104 --> 00:11:50,188 pride parades, 290 00:11:50,272 --> 00:11:51,273 Drag Race, 291 00:11:51,356 --> 00:11:52,774 same-sex marriage, 292 00:11:52,858 --> 00:11:55,193 and now gays can fuck wherever they want. 293 00:11:55,277 --> 00:11:58,029 And that is the story of the first Thanksgiving. 294 00:11:58,113 --> 00:12:00,991 Okay, so you're saying that as a young gay man-- 295 00:12:01,074 --> 00:12:02,784 Who's so hot and who I love so much. 296 00:12:02,868 --> 00:12:05,454 Thank you. …being sexually active is my duty? 297 00:12:05,537 --> 00:12:09,207 Yes! It's a celebration of your sexual liberation. 298 00:12:09,291 --> 00:12:10,834 Ooh, I just had an idea. 299 00:12:10,917 --> 00:12:12,461 Let's jerk Aiden off! 300 00:12:12,544 --> 00:12:13,420 Okay. 301 00:12:13,503 --> 00:12:16,381 Come on, say it like you want a dick in your hand. 302 00:12:16,465 --> 00:12:17,841 Okay! Dick! 303 00:12:17,924 --> 00:12:19,176 [doorbell rings] 304 00:12:19,259 --> 00:12:20,802 -Hey. -Upstairs, bitch! 305 00:12:20,886 --> 00:12:22,888 Oh, God, what are you doing? 306 00:12:22,971 --> 00:12:25,599 Take your pants off! I'm gonna knuckle-shuffle your piss pump! 307 00:12:25,724 --> 00:12:28,143 -What? -Now spit on his carpet and smile. 308 00:12:28,226 --> 00:12:29,060 [spits] 309 00:12:29,144 --> 00:12:31,271 What the fuck, babe? You're scaring me. Stop it! 310 00:12:31,354 --> 00:12:32,522 Nobody said this would be fun! 311 00:12:32,606 --> 00:12:34,399 It should be fun. Why else would we do it? 312 00:12:34,483 --> 00:12:38,153 I don't know, because we're gay and we did Stonewall, 313 00:12:38,236 --> 00:12:39,738 and it's our duty! Right? 314 00:12:39,821 --> 00:12:41,656 What in the fuck are you talking about? 315 00:12:41,740 --> 00:12:45,202 Your friends, and how we have to hand-job, and if I don't want to, I'm a prude! 316 00:12:45,285 --> 00:12:47,621 [chuckles] Okay, my friends are full of shit. 317 00:12:47,704 --> 00:12:49,664 -Broderick hasn't even kissed a boy. -Oh! 318 00:12:49,748 --> 00:12:52,751 And besides, hand jobs are only fun if both of us are into it. 319 00:12:52,834 --> 00:12:54,002 So, it's okay to wait? 320 00:12:54,085 --> 00:12:54,920 Of course. 321 00:12:55,003 --> 00:12:56,463 Let's just take the pressure off, 322 00:12:56,546 --> 00:12:59,382 circle a date on the calendar six months from now, 323 00:12:59,466 --> 00:13:01,218 and if you're not ready by then, 324 00:13:01,301 --> 00:13:02,344 I'll kill myself. 325 00:13:02,427 --> 00:13:04,471 Um, can we still make out? 326 00:13:04,554 --> 00:13:07,974 Sure. And maybe after that, we can clean up the carpet where you spit. 327 00:13:08,058 --> 00:13:09,226 [both laugh] 328 00:13:09,476 --> 00:13:11,436 Hey, Matthew? Sorry, I know you're busy, 329 00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:14,105 but can I use "knuckle-shuffle on your piss pump"? 330 00:13:14,189 --> 00:13:17,400 I wanna put it as my senior quote on my yearbook page. 331 00:13:18,652 --> 00:13:20,612 -[phone chimes] -Oh, my God, isn't he so hot? 332 00:13:20,695 --> 00:13:25,200 Send him an eggplant and an avocado emoji and say, "Hungry for your cock-amole." 333 00:13:25,283 --> 00:13:28,453 -Or I could send him a shirtless pic back. -[camera shutter clicks] 334 00:13:28,537 --> 00:13:32,207 "Can't wait to jerk you off on my timetable." 335 00:13:32,290 --> 00:13:35,252 In the meantime, shall we take a 45-minute shower? 336 00:13:35,335 --> 00:13:38,046 Oh, ho-ho!  Let's go clog that fucking drain. 337 00:13:40,590 --> 00:13:41,550 [phone chimes] 338 00:13:43,134 --> 00:13:43,969 Oh my! 339 00:13:44,469 --> 00:13:47,973 Oh, Jesus on a four-man bobsled! 340 00:13:48,056 --> 00:13:50,433 [man] Kimberly,  that commercial you like is on! 341 00:13:50,517 --> 00:13:51,476 The one with Flo! 342 00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:54,187 -Oh, that Flo! Coming! -[chimes] 343 00:13:54,396 --> 00:13:55,605 Oh! 344 00:13:55,689 --> 00:13:57,107 I'll be right there! 345 00:13:57,190 --> 00:13:58,483 Holy shit. 346 00:14:00,735 --> 00:14:05,657 Ladies, I've decided to do feminism in a way that serves me. 347 00:14:05,740 --> 00:14:07,909 So as long as I'm not touching any penises, 348 00:14:07,993 --> 00:14:12,122 I'm calling on all of you to boycott boy cock! 349 00:14:12,205 --> 00:14:13,456 I'm not sure about that slogan. 350 00:14:13,540 --> 00:14:17,168 Nick, should it be "Boycott boy cock" or "Boy cock boycott"? 351 00:14:17,252 --> 00:14:19,129 Who fucking cares? The world is gonna end. 352 00:14:19,212 --> 00:14:21,131 It sure is. You saw it yourself, 353 00:14:21,214 --> 00:14:25,051 right after Jessi said you were a bad person who couldn't fuck! 354 00:14:25,135 --> 00:14:28,305 Uh, Nick, what's going on, buddy? You seem very anxious. 355 00:14:28,388 --> 00:14:32,559 After that fight with Jessi, I had this crazy dream, and now I'm a fucking mess. 356 00:14:32,642 --> 00:14:35,353 Well, if you have access to a hand, 357 00:14:35,437 --> 00:14:39,024 you might want to try some self-medicating. 358 00:14:39,107 --> 00:14:40,150 Oh, that. 359 00:14:40,233 --> 00:14:42,777 Uh, I'm not very good at that,  I don't think. 360 00:14:42,861 --> 00:14:43,904 You gotta practice, man. 361 00:14:43,987 --> 00:14:46,197 Grind that pepper, give your salad a little kick, baby. 362 00:14:46,281 --> 00:14:47,365 I forgot about this. 363 00:14:47,449 --> 00:14:49,451 Nick, come on. There's nothing to it. 364 00:14:49,534 --> 00:14:52,829 Allow me to show you the Glouberman method. 365 00:14:52,913 --> 00:14:53,872 "The Glouberman method"? 366 00:14:53,955 --> 00:14:57,292 It's a delicate dance in just 17 steps. 367 00:14:57,375 --> 00:14:59,628 -Seventeen? -Look. 368 00:15:00,545 --> 00:15:01,630 Lock. 369 00:15:02,172 --> 00:15:03,006 Lights. 370 00:15:03,548 --> 00:15:04,925 Music. 371 00:15:05,008 --> 00:15:06,301 -[jazz playing] -Lower the shades. 372 00:15:07,302 --> 00:15:08,887 I flip the Mets. 373 00:15:09,387 --> 00:15:10,555 I flip the 'rents. 374 00:15:11,765 --> 00:15:15,226 Lululemon maternity catalog. 375 00:15:16,227 --> 00:15:17,979 Double-check the lock. 376 00:15:18,063 --> 00:15:20,315 A tissue, two, three, four. 377 00:15:20,398 --> 00:15:22,484 A lotion, pump, pump, pump. 378 00:15:22,567 --> 00:15:24,152 -Ass. -Jesus. 379 00:15:24,235 --> 00:15:25,946 Triple-check the lock again. 380 00:15:26,029 --> 00:15:27,739 I'm sorry, you check the lock three times? 381 00:15:27,822 --> 00:15:30,659 Nick, you interrupted me! Now I have to do it all over again. 382 00:15:30,742 --> 00:15:32,911 From the top, everybody. Back to one. 383 00:15:32,994 --> 00:15:35,664 -Places! -No, no, I don't need to see that again. 384 00:15:35,747 --> 00:15:37,499 Also, Andrew, you can pull up your pants now. 385 00:15:37,582 --> 00:15:39,292 Aren't you gonna try the Glouberman method? 386 00:15:39,376 --> 00:15:41,878 Oh, God, no! Do you really do that every time you jerk off? 387 00:15:41,962 --> 00:15:44,089 Yes, of course! Well, why would you even ask that? 388 00:15:44,172 --> 00:15:46,800 I don't know, it just seems a little bit, like, um... 389 00:15:46,883 --> 00:15:48,593 totally obsessive and insane. 390 00:15:48,677 --> 00:15:50,303 I'm not obsessive. 391 00:15:50,387 --> 00:15:55,850 I just know that if I ever deviate from my very precise method, even a smidge, 392 00:15:55,934 --> 00:15:57,519 something terrible will happen. 393 00:15:57,602 --> 00:16:00,397 That sounds like how a psychopath would masturbate. 394 00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:03,024 Oh, please,  would a psychopath keep a journal 395 00:16:03,108 --> 00:16:05,652 logging every ejaculation by weight and color? 396 00:16:05,735 --> 00:16:07,821 Hold on. If I hadn't stopped you, 397 00:16:07,904 --> 00:16:10,657 -were you gonna fully cum in front of me? -Yes. 398 00:16:11,908 --> 00:16:14,494 Hey, remember that thing Nick said about the method? 399 00:16:14,577 --> 00:16:16,830 That it's weird and annoying, and you seem crazy? 400 00:16:16,913 --> 00:16:18,581 [chuckles] Yeah. Like, what do you think? 401 00:16:18,665 --> 00:16:21,251 Well, I hate to agree with that little fat-lipped fuck, 402 00:16:21,334 --> 00:16:24,254 -but I have some issues with the method. -Really? 403 00:16:24,337 --> 00:16:27,424 Jacking off is supposed to be spontaneous  and fun, 404 00:16:27,507 --> 00:16:30,844 like a motorcycle blowing up in front of a bikini woman. 405 00:16:30,927 --> 00:16:33,555 God, that's a great visual, but the method does work. 406 00:16:33,638 --> 00:16:34,931 Come on, you're a man! 407 00:16:35,015 --> 00:16:36,057 When you wanna jerk off, 408 00:16:36,141 --> 00:16:39,185 you should just grab your short fatty and go to work, baby! 409 00:16:39,269 --> 00:16:41,855 Yeah, you're right. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? 410 00:16:42,272 --> 00:16:45,859 Hey, do you have a big hose to cool me down? 411 00:16:45,942 --> 00:16:48,069 [Andrew] Well, it's got a wide nozzle. 412 00:16:48,153 --> 00:16:50,280 [Maury] Ooh! And maybe your cousin Cherry shows up. 413 00:16:50,363 --> 00:16:52,157 Hey! I'm Andrew's cousin. 414 00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:53,616 We have the same grandpa. 415 00:16:53,700 --> 00:16:56,536 So get lost, 'cause this is making me horny! 416 00:16:56,619 --> 00:16:59,289 Oh, yeah? Well, then let's kiss about it, bitch! 417 00:16:59,372 --> 00:17:00,790 [Andrew] Oh, God, they're gonna kiss fight! 418 00:17:00,874 --> 00:17:02,417 [screams] Oh, for fuck's sake! 419 00:17:02,500 --> 00:17:04,753 Whoo! That's what I'm talking about! 420 00:17:04,836 --> 00:17:07,380 And your bedroom door is wide open. 421 00:17:07,464 --> 00:17:10,759 I can smell the soup your mom's making downstairs. 422 00:17:10,842 --> 00:17:13,011 You were right, Maury! Just get to it! 423 00:17:13,094 --> 00:17:15,430 Hey, what are we gonna do with all our newfound free time? 424 00:17:15,555 --> 00:17:16,473 Jack off again! 425 00:17:16,556 --> 00:17:18,641 -Do it in front of the window this time. -[phone rings] 426 00:17:18,725 --> 00:17:20,477 Let's fucking Louis the neighbor! 427 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:22,103 Well, let's not call it that. 428 00:17:22,187 --> 00:17:23,772 [Marty] What? No! 429 00:17:23,855 --> 00:17:26,274 -Oh, you gotta be kidding me! -What? 430 00:17:26,357 --> 00:17:27,442 Marty, what's wrong? 431 00:17:27,525 --> 00:17:28,359 It's Skip. 432 00:17:28,443 --> 00:17:30,403 My father just dropped dead! 433 00:17:30,487 --> 00:17:32,489 -Zaide? -Your grandpa just died? 434 00:17:32,572 --> 00:17:36,034 -[Barbara] What happened? -They don't know! His heart just stopped! 435 00:17:36,117 --> 00:17:40,288 Oh, God, at the exact moment I deviated  from the method... 436 00:17:40,371 --> 00:17:42,624 [panicked inhaling] Maury, you don't think that-- 437 00:17:42,707 --> 00:17:44,000 That you killed your grandpa? 438 00:17:44,084 --> 00:17:46,169 Because you jerked off willy-nilly? 439 00:17:46,252 --> 00:17:47,670 Without the hat and the dance? 440 00:17:47,754 --> 00:17:49,380 Oh, Maury! It's true, isn't it? 441 00:17:49,464 --> 00:17:51,925 It's all my fault! I killed my Zaide! 442 00:17:52,008 --> 00:17:55,970 I told you, he who cums without discipline invites chaos. 443 00:17:56,054 --> 00:17:58,848 -That is the opposite of what you said! -Murderer says what? 444 00:17:58,932 --> 00:17:59,766 -What? -Exactly. 445 00:17:59,849 --> 00:18:04,437 [sobs] Oh, God! 446 00:18:08,525 --> 00:18:12,153 If you've looked at your phone today, you've no doubt noticed the hashtag 447 00:18:12,237 --> 00:18:14,197 "BoycottBoyCock." 448 00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:15,448 Hi, I'm Gayle King, 449 00:18:15,532 --> 00:18:19,786 and with me now is the young woman who started it all, Devin LeSeven. 450 00:18:19,869 --> 00:18:24,165 Gayle, it all started when my husband Devon divorced me 451 00:18:24,249 --> 00:18:26,292 because I wouldn't give him a hand job. 452 00:18:26,376 --> 00:18:29,129 I have to ask, is your husband also a child? 453 00:18:29,212 --> 00:18:30,755 I think I hope the answer is yes. 454 00:18:30,839 --> 00:18:35,510 Mmm! Michael Angelo's so hot and such a good kisser, 455 00:18:35,593 --> 00:18:38,638 you don't even care that girl from your old school's on TV, huh? 456 00:18:38,721 --> 00:18:43,101 Let's depend on him for all our self-worth and happiness. 457 00:18:43,184 --> 00:18:46,312 Well, I don't like that. But I do like the frenching. 458 00:18:46,396 --> 00:18:50,108 -Ooh! No, it'll be okay. -What's wrong, baby? 459 00:18:50,191 --> 00:18:53,403 Oh, it's... it's nothing.  It's just, um... 460 00:18:53,486 --> 00:18:55,989 -It's just blue balls. -Oh, God, I'm sorry. 461 00:18:56,072 --> 00:18:58,741 -I'm sorry. Am I doing something wrong? -I mean, you turn me on, 462 00:18:58,825 --> 00:19:02,203 but then I don't get to, like, you know, uh... finish? 463 00:19:02,287 --> 00:19:03,746 Uh, right. Finish. 464 00:19:03,830 --> 00:19:06,124 And, uh... And so now I'm just, like, in massive agony. 465 00:19:06,207 --> 00:19:08,251 -Oh, God! Massive? -Yeah... 466 00:19:08,334 --> 00:19:10,378 You hear that? You're hurting him! 467 00:19:10,461 --> 00:19:11,379 Is she, though? 468 00:19:11,462 --> 00:19:13,631 I mean, "blue balls." Is that really a thing? 469 00:19:13,715 --> 00:19:14,841 I mean, I've heard of it. 470 00:19:14,924 --> 00:19:17,343 Everybody talks about it.  I just don't know what it is. 471 00:19:17,427 --> 00:19:18,386 No, it's fine. 472 00:19:18,469 --> 00:19:20,722 It's just this excruciating pain  in my nuts 473 00:19:20,805 --> 00:19:22,891 -that turns into a cramp in my stomach. -Oh, God. 474 00:19:22,974 --> 00:19:26,060 Could you imagine that, Jessi? A painful cramp in your stomach? 475 00:19:26,144 --> 00:19:27,729 Of course you can! 476 00:19:27,812 --> 00:19:30,023 And the government should pay for tampons! 477 00:19:30,106 --> 00:19:31,316 You better do something 478 00:19:31,399 --> 00:19:33,860 about those blue balls before he dumps you. 479 00:19:33,943 --> 00:19:36,654 -[moans, shudders] -Oh, I'm so sorry. 480 00:19:36,738 --> 00:19:38,323 Ah! What can we do? 481 00:19:38,406 --> 00:19:39,949 -Listen-- -You want to go to urgent care? 482 00:19:40,033 --> 00:19:42,202 I guess there's one thing we could try... 483 00:19:42,285 --> 00:19:44,662 No, forget it. You probably wouldn't be into it. 484 00:19:44,746 --> 00:19:45,830 No! What is it? 485 00:19:45,914 --> 00:19:47,248 Maybe I'll be into it. Tell me. 486 00:19:47,332 --> 00:19:49,584 -I guess if you really wanted to help… -I do. 487 00:19:49,667 --> 00:19:52,128 …you could, you know, give me a hand job? 488 00:19:52,212 --> 00:19:55,465 Oh! Oh, a hand job. 489 00:19:55,548 --> 00:19:57,467 Wow! Okay, that's, um... 490 00:19:57,550 --> 00:19:59,636 That is an unexpected big request. 491 00:19:59,719 --> 00:20:02,096 Kinda big league... Big League Chew! 492 00:20:02,180 --> 00:20:03,848 -[both laugh] -So you're into it? 493 00:20:03,932 --> 00:20:04,766 Might as well. 494 00:20:04,849 --> 00:20:07,518 He's in ninth grade, he expects these things. 495 00:20:07,602 --> 00:20:09,103 Shit, what's the answer? I don't know. 496 00:20:09,187 --> 00:20:12,357 It's just, I wish I could do it right now, but I do, um... 497 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:13,566 I have to go vote. 498 00:20:13,650 --> 00:20:16,194 I have to go vote. It's, um... It's a state election. 499 00:20:16,277 --> 00:20:18,154 -Okay. -But tonight, 500 00:20:18,238 --> 00:20:20,323 I'm gonna come back, we're gonna hang out... 501 00:20:20,406 --> 00:20:23,618 -Yes. -And I will be down to stroke that clown. 502 00:20:23,701 --> 00:20:25,036 -Oh, good. -Just hang tight. 503 00:20:25,119 --> 00:20:26,454 -All right. -Okay, I'll be back. 504 00:20:27,914 --> 00:20:28,790 Wait a tick. 505 00:20:28,873 --> 00:20:32,460 If blue balls hurt that much, why can't he just jerk himself off? 506 00:20:32,543 --> 00:20:34,796 -Wait, yeah. -Because he wants you to do it. 507 00:20:34,879 --> 00:20:35,838 You're his girlfriend. 508 00:20:35,922 --> 00:20:36,839 It's your job! 509 00:20:36,923 --> 00:20:38,675 It's your hand job! 510 00:20:38,758 --> 00:20:41,344 And if you don't do it, someone else will. 511 00:20:41,719 --> 00:20:42,595 Oh, really? 512 00:20:42,679 --> 00:20:46,391 I'd do it myself, but I'm just a fat, sad cat. 513 00:20:46,474 --> 00:20:49,936 See, I just think Michael Angelo's blowing this blue balls thing 514 00:20:50,019 --> 00:20:51,020 way out of proportion. 515 00:20:51,104 --> 00:20:52,313 But what if he's not? 516 00:20:52,397 --> 00:20:53,606 What if it's agony? 517 00:20:53,690 --> 00:20:54,524 What if they rupture? 518 00:20:54,607 --> 00:20:55,566 What if he drops dead? 519 00:20:55,650 --> 00:20:58,027 Next stop: blue balls ward. 520 00:20:58,111 --> 00:20:58,945 What? 521 00:20:59,028 --> 00:21:00,238 [balls groaning] 522 00:21:00,321 --> 00:21:03,241 Out of the way! These blue balls are about to explode! 523 00:21:03,324 --> 00:21:06,286 [both] I don't wanna die! I have kids! Inside me! 524 00:21:06,369 --> 00:21:08,162 Jesus, is this place for real? 525 00:21:08,246 --> 00:21:09,372 Unfortunately, yes. 526 00:21:09,455 --> 00:21:11,916 It's the blue balls ward of the Boy Hospital. 527 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:14,419 They got a fucking blue balls ward? 528 00:21:14,502 --> 00:21:15,962 Where are those free tampons? 529 00:21:16,045 --> 00:21:19,132 Michael Angelo's balls are here because you won't jerk him off. 530 00:21:19,215 --> 00:21:20,967 [both] Why do you hate us, Jessi? 531 00:21:21,050 --> 00:21:22,176 Why won't you save them? 532 00:21:22,260 --> 00:21:24,887 You're literally an enormous hand. 533 00:21:24,971 --> 00:21:26,055 Why don't you do it? 534 00:21:26,139 --> 00:21:28,057 Because I am a doctor, not his girlfriend. 535 00:21:28,141 --> 00:21:30,560 Thanks for nothing, Jessi. 536 00:21:30,643 --> 00:21:34,022 -[whimpering] -[EKG flatlines] 537 00:21:34,105 --> 00:21:35,106 I'm gonna call it. 538 00:21:35,189 --> 00:21:36,941 Cause of death: Jessi Glaser. 539 00:21:37,608 --> 00:21:39,068 -Oh, shit! -[Connie gags] 540 00:21:39,152 --> 00:21:40,028 Fuck me! 541 00:21:40,111 --> 00:21:43,948 I just got my hair blown out, and now I feel like an idiot. 542 00:21:44,032 --> 00:21:46,576 You know what? I'm gonna complain to Mark Levin about this. 543 00:21:46,826 --> 00:21:50,705 Okay, so blue balls actually seems like a huge fucking deal. 544 00:21:50,788 --> 00:21:54,625 Seems like everything'd just be a whole lot easier if you'd just jerk him off. 545 00:21:54,709 --> 00:21:56,836 -I guess you're right. -If he isn't already dead! 546 00:21:56,919 --> 00:21:57,795 We can do this. 547 00:21:57,879 --> 00:22:02,342 We're just gonna yank it, spank it and crank it until the slime comes out. 548 00:22:02,425 --> 00:22:05,219 Oh, yeah. Slime's gonna come out. [sighs] 549 00:22:07,221 --> 00:22:09,891 Well, I think it's time to milk that mushroom, baby. 550 00:22:09,974 --> 00:22:11,934 I just wish I was more into it. 551 00:22:12,018 --> 00:22:15,104 It's too late to back out now. You promised him. 552 00:22:15,188 --> 00:22:19,192 Just zone out, Anthony his wiener, and think about lunch. 553 00:22:19,275 --> 00:22:20,276 -Hey. -Hey. 554 00:22:20,360 --> 00:22:22,153 Hey, Michael Angelo, I'm um... 555 00:22:22,236 --> 00:22:25,323 I'm ready to do that thing  that we said we would do. 556 00:22:25,406 --> 00:22:27,200 You mean, you wanna give me a hand job? 557 00:22:27,283 --> 00:22:29,952 Yeah. Yeah, sure.  I mostly wanna do it, yeah. 558 00:22:30,036 --> 00:22:32,955 Oh, fuck, yeah. This is exactly what you wanna do. 559 00:22:33,039 --> 00:22:34,123 -Yeah. -Here it is. 560 00:22:34,207 --> 00:22:37,251 Oh. Okay! It's there! 561 00:22:37,335 --> 00:22:39,253 Oh, my God. It's a penis. 562 00:22:39,337 --> 00:22:42,298 Hello. You must be Jessi. I'm a penis. 563 00:22:42,382 --> 00:22:44,175 Yes, you're a real-life penis. 564 00:22:44,258 --> 00:22:47,303 It's a funny word, isn't it? "Penis." Say it with me. 565 00:22:47,387 --> 00:22:48,221 Penis. 566 00:22:48,304 --> 00:22:49,806 -Penis. -Penis. 567 00:22:49,889 --> 00:22:51,557 -It is indeed a funny word. -[Jessi laughs] 568 00:22:51,641 --> 00:22:54,519 It's a funny word 'cause it's a funny-looking thing. 569 00:22:54,602 --> 00:22:55,478 Oh, my God! 570 00:22:55,561 --> 00:22:57,146 Yeah! Some would say ugly! 571 00:22:57,230 --> 00:22:59,399 [laughs] You're not what I expected. 572 00:22:59,482 --> 00:23:02,610 Oh, right, 'cause he's English and I'm from Long Island. 573 00:23:02,693 --> 00:23:06,072 Hey, pull me down, Jessi!  Watch me boing back up! 574 00:23:06,155 --> 00:23:07,490 -[Michael Angelo] Oh, yeah. -Boing! 575 00:23:07,573 --> 00:23:09,534 [laughs] That stupid thing boinged back up! 576 00:23:09,617 --> 00:23:11,035 [laughing] That's so fucking stupid! 577 00:23:11,119 --> 00:23:12,787 I love laughing about this! 578 00:23:12,870 --> 00:23:14,831 Jessi, what's so bloody funny? It's my dick. 579 00:23:14,914 --> 00:23:17,041 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm-- 580 00:23:17,125 --> 00:23:20,461 I'm just nervous, and your penis is  from Long Island, and I'm so sorry. 581 00:23:20,545 --> 00:23:21,671 Oyster Bay, to be exact. 582 00:23:21,754 --> 00:23:23,464 -[chuckles] Oh, my God. -What the fuck? 583 00:23:23,548 --> 00:23:25,758 [whimpers] Stop laughing! He's getting mad! 584 00:23:25,842 --> 00:23:27,718 God! This was clearly a mistake. 585 00:23:27,802 --> 00:23:29,762 What? No, no, no! I'm sorry! I didn't-- 586 00:23:29,846 --> 00:23:31,806 Well, it's not like I'm laughing at your sad little titties! 587 00:23:31,889 --> 00:23:33,391 Oh, fuck, no! 588 00:23:33,474 --> 00:23:35,685 Rip his throat out with your teeth, Jessi! 589 00:23:35,768 --> 00:23:37,770 -Um... -Say something! 590 00:23:37,854 --> 00:23:39,480 I, uh... 591 00:23:39,564 --> 00:23:42,775 You know, I might have tiny little titties, but-- 592 00:23:42,859 --> 00:23:44,277 Oh, yeah, here it comes! 593 00:23:44,360 --> 00:23:47,738 But, you know, I think I just need to go home, um, tonight. 594 00:23:47,822 --> 00:23:48,698 For now. 595 00:23:48,781 --> 00:23:51,409 Aw, Jessi, that's all you got? 596 00:23:51,492 --> 00:23:53,578 Yeah? Well, don't worry about coming back. 597 00:23:53,661 --> 00:23:56,080 You're an immature cock tease, and I'm breaking up with you. 598 00:23:56,164 --> 00:23:57,248 What? 599 00:23:57,331 --> 00:24:01,586 Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go finish myself off. 600 00:24:01,669 --> 00:24:04,422 Now, see? Why couldn't he do that the whole time? 601 00:24:05,089 --> 00:24:06,883 -[sighs] -You got dumped! 602 00:24:06,966 --> 00:24:08,217 He doesn't want you. 603 00:24:08,301 --> 00:24:09,677 No one's ever gonna want you. 604 00:24:09,760 --> 00:24:12,638 Jessi, honey, there's a documentary about Lorena Bobbitt 605 00:24:12,722 --> 00:24:15,349 -that has some really intriguing ideas. -[Shannon] Jessi! 606 00:24:15,433 --> 00:24:17,018 -Would you care to explain this email? -Mom.... 607 00:24:17,101 --> 00:24:19,145 Your school says you haven't been there in a week? 608 00:24:19,228 --> 00:24:22,482 Just shut her out and pull your blanket over your head. 609 00:24:22,940 --> 00:24:24,609 Maybe you should talk to her. 610 00:24:24,692 --> 00:24:28,529 If anybody knows about not wanting to stroke dick, it's got to be Shannon. 611 00:24:28,613 --> 00:24:30,615 Oh, yeah, she'll be a lot of help 612 00:24:30,698 --> 00:24:32,825 when you tell her about your secret boyfriend. 613 00:24:32,909 --> 00:24:34,619 You'll get in even more trouble! 614 00:24:34,702 --> 00:24:36,204 What's going on with you, Jessi? 615 00:24:36,287 --> 00:24:39,081 [Jessi] I don't wanna talk about it. Just leave me alone. 616 00:24:39,165 --> 00:24:42,710 -I'm really disappointed in you. -[Jessi sobbing] 617 00:24:42,793 --> 00:24:44,086 You're so alone. 618 00:24:44,170 --> 00:24:45,379 But you've got us. 619 00:24:45,463 --> 00:24:48,716 Yeah, you got us. [grunts] 620 00:24:49,091 --> 00:24:52,220 No worries, I'll just sit on the floor and catch up on my stories. 621 00:24:52,303 --> 00:24:54,055 Hey, y'all. Devon here. 622 00:24:54,138 --> 00:24:56,766 Devin's been on here talking hella shit, and you know what? 623 00:24:56,849 --> 00:24:57,850 I wanna keep it real. 624 00:24:57,934 --> 00:25:00,520 I didn't divorce her 'cause she wouldn't give me a hand job, 625 00:25:00,603 --> 00:25:02,688 although she said she would. 626 00:25:02,772 --> 00:25:04,482 I broke up with her because she's mean. 627 00:25:04,565 --> 00:25:06,776 She's a meanie-bo-beanie, and I don't like it. 628 00:25:06,859 --> 00:25:10,321 So I'm single now, and if anybody wants to give me a hand job, 629 00:25:10,404 --> 00:25:12,490 slide on into them DMs, dawg. 630 00:25:12,949 --> 00:25:14,450 But please be nice to me. 631 00:25:16,285 --> 00:25:17,453 That was a good episode. 632 00:25:17,537 --> 00:25:19,664 It was different, but not too different. I liked it. 633 00:25:19,747 --> 00:25:24,835 I gotta say, all that hand stuff made me, Connie, a little horny. 634 00:25:24,919 --> 00:25:27,421 Should we do some hand stuff?  Hand job? Hand job? 635 00:25:27,547 --> 00:25:30,716 Ooh, really? With Andrew right in the bed? 636 00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:32,260 The kid sleeps through everything. 637 00:25:32,343 --> 00:25:34,762 That's true. We can always pretend he's dead. 638 00:25:34,845 --> 00:25:36,681 [moaning] 639 00:25:36,764 --> 00:25:38,891 -All right, take your hand south. -You like that? 640 00:25:38,975 --> 00:25:40,351 [Connie] Further. Down to Tijuana. 641 00:25:40,434 --> 00:25:41,686 -How's that? -[Connie] That's it. 642 00:25:41,769 --> 00:25:43,854 -[Maury] Yeah! -[Connie] Hallelujah. 643 00:25:43,938 --> 00:25:47,900 -♪ Can't keep my hands to myself ♪ -[rock music playing] 644 00:25:49,026 --> 00:25:51,821 ♪ Hands to myself ♪ 645 00:25:52,697 --> 00:25:54,699 ♪ Can't keep my hands to myself ♪ 646 00:25:57,910 --> 00:25:59,370 ♪ Hands to myself ♪ 647 00:26:01,330 --> 00:26:03,583 ♪ The doctors say you're no good ♪ 648 00:26:05,585 --> 00:26:08,588 ♪ But people say what they wanna say ♪ 649 00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:13,217 ♪ And you should know if I could ♪ 650 00:26:14,260 --> 00:26:17,179 ♪ I'd breathe you in every single day ♪ 651 00:26:17,638 --> 00:26:18,639 ♪ Mm-hmm ♪ 652 00:26:21,225 --> 00:26:26,188 ♪ 'Cause all of the downs and the uppers Keep making love to each other ♪ 653 00:26:26,272 --> 00:26:29,900 ♪ And I'm trying, trying Trying, trying ♪ 654 00:26:29,984 --> 00:26:34,780 ♪ All of the downs and the uppers Keep making love to each other ♪ 655 00:26:34,864 --> 00:26:35,906 ♪ And I'm trying ♪ 656 00:26:35,990 --> 00:26:37,908 -[man] Fathouse. -[ticking] 657 00:26:37,992 --> 00:26:40,411 [man laughs] "Good at Bizness." 658 00:26:40,494 --> 00:26:42,496 -[man] Chirp. -[kazoo plays]