1 00:00:06,625 --> 00:00:08,416 [gulping] 2 00:00:08,500 --> 00:00:13,041 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Drink up, my sweet angel. 3 00:00:13,125 --> 00:00:15,750 Uh, wow, kid really likes your breast milk. 4 00:00:15,833 --> 00:00:17,125 Milk? No, Andrew. 5 00:00:17,208 --> 00:00:20,041 Hormone monster breasts produce Mountain Dew. 6 00:00:20,125 --> 00:00:22,625 Code Red on the left, classic green on the right. 7 00:00:22,708 --> 00:00:25,916 Yeah, but the green Dew gives me hard poo-poo. 8 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:29,083 [laughs] Yeah, Montel won't touch my right teat, 9 00:00:29,166 --> 00:00:32,041 which, as you can see, is painfully engorged. 10 00:00:32,125 --> 00:00:32,958 [Andrew] Oh, yeah. 11 00:00:33,041 --> 00:00:34,333 Sorry, Mama Maury. 12 00:00:34,416 --> 00:00:37,125 And sorry about turning lefty here into nipple tartare. 13 00:00:37,208 --> 00:00:39,541 Oh, that's okay, Montel. 14 00:00:39,625 --> 00:00:41,875 Suckle to your heart's content. 15 00:00:41,958 --> 00:00:42,875 [groans] 16 00:00:42,958 --> 00:00:44,541 So, I don't know how this works. 17 00:00:44,625 --> 00:00:49,208 Is it bad form to, uh, milk myself when there's a baby present? 18 00:00:49,291 --> 00:00:52,125 -Don't be silly, Andrew. -Oh, just pretend I'm not here. 19 00:00:52,208 --> 00:00:53,625 All right, if you insist. 20 00:00:53,708 --> 00:00:56,583 Wait. Put down your penis. The love of your life is calling. 21 00:00:56,666 --> 00:00:57,916 Oh, it's Bernie. 22 00:00:58,000 --> 00:00:59,208 Hola, Papi. 23 00:00:59,291 --> 00:01:02,291 Hey, dollface, guess what? I'm coming to see you. 24 00:01:02,375 --> 00:01:03,250 -What? -In person? 25 00:01:03,333 --> 00:01:04,375 For horny time? 26 00:01:04,458 --> 00:01:07,250 Yeah, Friday. We're taking my brother to visit Rutgers, 27 00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:09,500 and my parents said they'd drop me off for dinner. 28 00:01:09,583 --> 00:01:11,000 Would that be okay? 29 00:01:11,083 --> 00:01:14,250 I mean, I don't know why he'd visit a safety school, but of course. 30 00:01:14,333 --> 00:01:18,083 Maybe we could even... [chuckles] ...finish what we started in Vermont? 31 00:01:18,166 --> 00:01:20,916 Maury, she's talking about when we nearly boob-touched. 32 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:23,041 That was the most important day of my life, 33 00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:26,791 until this little angel shot out of my bunghole. 34 00:01:26,875 --> 00:01:28,916 Aw, it was a big day for me too. 35 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,375 Bernie, I would love nothing more. 36 00:01:31,458 --> 00:01:33,625 It's a plan, my clammy-hands man. 37 00:01:33,708 --> 00:01:40,125 Okay, I gotta jump, but I will see you for our intra-boobular exchange. Muah. 38 00:01:40,208 --> 00:01:41,875 Oh my God, did you hear that? 39 00:01:41,958 --> 00:01:44,083 Andrew's finally gonna touch a boob. 40 00:01:44,166 --> 00:01:47,875 Oh, dreams do come true in America, boys. 41 00:01:49,916 --> 00:01:55,458 {\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 42 00:01:59,375 --> 00:02:05,458 {\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 43 00:02:05,541 --> 00:02:07,708 {\an8}♪ Oh, in my life ♪ 44 00:02:09,208 --> 00:02:12,333 ♪ Oh, ooh, ooh ♪ 45 00:02:20,666 --> 00:02:23,291 I'm telling you, Mom, you're gonna love Bernie. 46 00:02:23,375 --> 00:02:24,833 She's like a young George Burns. 47 00:02:24,916 --> 00:02:26,500 Well, I can't wait to finally meet her. 48 00:02:26,583 --> 00:02:27,625 You can't wait to meet who? 49 00:02:27,708 --> 00:02:31,333 Andrew's friend from Vermont is joining us for Shabbat dinner tonight. 50 00:02:31,416 --> 00:02:32,958 Shabbat? No, thank you. 51 00:02:33,041 --> 00:02:37,041 Marty, I've told you a million times. Rabbi Paulblart is coming. 52 00:02:37,125 --> 00:02:39,500 {\an8}That putz in my home? What, did we lose a raffle? 53 00:02:39,583 --> 00:02:41,750 {\an8}You really don't listen to a word I say. 54 00:02:41,833 --> 00:02:45,250 {\an8}If what you had to say was so important, you'd be on my TV! 55 00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:48,625 Andrew, are they going to scream at each other like this while Bernie's here? 56 00:02:48,708 --> 00:02:50,166 Oh, without a doubt. Why do you ask? 57 00:02:50,250 --> 00:02:52,625 Marty, I want you on your best behavior tonight. 58 00:02:52,708 --> 00:02:55,958 The rabbi has a very demanding schedule. We're lucky to get him. 59 00:02:56,041 --> 00:02:57,791 Who's this guy think he is, huh? 60 00:02:57,875 --> 00:03:00,041 Debra Messing, Queen of the Jews? 61 00:03:00,125 --> 00:03:01,208 [bell rings] 62 00:03:01,291 --> 00:03:04,291 {\an8}Check it out. My secret grandpa was, like, famous. 63 00:03:04,375 --> 00:03:05,708 {\an8}Nipple twisting champion? 64 00:03:05,791 --> 00:03:08,041 -Born in Inverness. -I'm assuming that's Scotland? 65 00:03:08,125 --> 00:03:10,083 Married to Rose MacGregor until... 66 00:03:10,166 --> 00:03:13,166 Oh, your grandma's dead, Nick. My condolences. 67 00:03:13,250 --> 00:03:15,333 Uh, whatever. I mean, she didn't do sports or anything. 68 00:03:15,416 --> 00:03:18,166 But Seamus, he's a fucking badass. 69 00:03:18,250 --> 00:03:21,000 And I found out he still lives in Staten Island. 70 00:03:21,083 --> 00:03:22,458 You wanna come with me to meet him? 71 00:03:22,541 --> 00:03:26,541 Oh, I'd love to, Nick, but actually, I'd hate to... [chuckles] 72 00:03:26,625 --> 00:03:31,166 ...because tonight, I'll be busy palpating my girlfriend's breasts. 73 00:03:31,250 --> 00:03:32,208 That rocks. Have fun. 74 00:03:32,291 --> 00:03:36,000 Yeah, just a typical Fri for the Glouber guy. [chuckles] 75 00:03:36,083 --> 00:03:37,500 I've never done this before. 76 00:03:37,583 --> 00:03:40,166 -The one-month anniversary's a tricky one. -Mm-hmm. 77 00:03:40,250 --> 00:03:41,833 It's too soon for a huge gift, 78 00:03:41,916 --> 00:03:43,833 but I still want Jay to know I'm into him. 79 00:03:43,916 --> 00:03:45,375 I feel like a playlist could be cool? 80 00:03:45,458 --> 00:03:47,458 -Oh, that feeling is wrong. -Oh. 81 00:03:47,541 --> 00:03:49,708 Happy anniversary, babe. [gasps] 82 00:03:49,791 --> 00:03:52,750 Oh my God! Did you get me a gay present? 83 00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:54,500 Uh, just a regular present. 84 00:03:54,583 --> 00:03:58,375 So, what? Do I just rip the skin off of this box? 85 00:03:58,458 --> 00:04:00,666 -It's actually called wrapping paper. -[grunts] 86 00:04:00,750 --> 00:04:02,750 Oh, okay. Oh, be careful. 87 00:04:02,833 --> 00:04:03,750 Oh. 88 00:04:03,833 --> 00:04:09,333 -A fancy pen for Jay. -Uh, open your fucking eyes, Jessi. 89 00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:12,500 -It's a robot dick, obviously. -No. 90 00:04:12,583 --> 00:04:15,750 I'm gonna suck it until the blue juice comes out. 91 00:04:15,833 --> 00:04:17,958 Okay. No, no, no. No, no, no. It's a pen. 92 00:04:18,041 --> 00:04:20,250 -A very expensive pen. -Oh. 93 00:04:20,333 --> 00:04:22,750 I'm sorry. I knew I should've come shopping with you. 94 00:04:22,833 --> 00:04:25,250 I've just been so overwhelmed with breastfeeding. 95 00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:26,500 -Of course. -Montel. 96 00:04:26,583 --> 00:04:30,083 Please take Daddy's Code Red boob. It's the one you like. 97 00:04:30,166 --> 00:04:32,333 But that nipple's all scabby now. 98 00:04:32,416 --> 00:04:34,375 Well, yeah, because you chewed it up. 99 00:04:34,458 --> 00:04:35,500 Guys, please shush. 100 00:04:35,583 --> 00:04:38,916 Matthew, let's get this man-niversary back on track. 101 00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:42,458 Tonight, my house will be empty, my nuts will be full, 102 00:04:42,541 --> 00:04:45,833 and I'm gonna cook you a romantic dinner. 103 00:04:45,916 --> 00:04:47,833 That actually sounds kind of nice. 104 00:04:47,916 --> 00:04:53,083 It's gonna be so beautiful, you're gonna squirt blue juice everywhere. 105 00:04:53,166 --> 00:04:56,916 Hey, Jessi, guess what? I got you a robot dick too. 106 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,750 You mean a fancy pen. 107 00:04:58,833 --> 00:05:02,666 Oh no, this is 100% a dildo. I have a dildo at school now. 108 00:05:02,750 --> 00:05:06,458 Oh shit. Is that my little Monte Cristo? 109 00:05:06,541 --> 00:05:09,708 Connie Mommy. Oh, do our game. 110 00:05:09,791 --> 00:05:11,958 Bounce a baby, bounce a baby, bounce a baby. 111 00:05:12,041 --> 00:05:13,166 Fuck, yeah. 112 00:05:13,250 --> 00:05:14,583 Mother with a mustache. 113 00:05:14,666 --> 00:05:17,416 Oh, that's fucking smart. Never change. 114 00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:19,250 Jesus, Maury, what's wrong with you? 115 00:05:19,333 --> 00:05:21,458 Oh, I'm just so exhausted. 116 00:05:21,541 --> 00:05:22,541 I'm not sleeping. 117 00:05:22,625 --> 00:05:25,791 And Montel won't suckle on my tig old bitties. 118 00:05:25,875 --> 00:05:28,500 -No, no. -Please, Montel, just a sip. 119 00:05:28,583 --> 00:05:31,416 I fucking hate you and your shit face. 120 00:05:31,500 --> 00:05:34,625 Okay. You seem to have everything handled. 121 00:05:34,708 --> 00:05:36,333 I don't. I clearly don't. 122 00:05:36,416 --> 00:05:37,291 -Bye. -Connie. 123 00:05:37,375 --> 00:05:41,166 I'm gonna punch you while you're dying. 124 00:05:41,250 --> 00:05:42,791 [cries] 125 00:05:42,875 --> 00:05:47,375 I can't believe you scored an interview with Fran Lebowitz for your school report. 126 00:05:47,458 --> 00:05:51,500 Yep, it's pretty unbelievable, but absolutely, completely true. 127 00:05:51,583 --> 00:05:53,375 Be careful, my sweet little baby bird. 128 00:05:53,458 --> 00:05:57,291 Tweet-tweet. That's daddy bird for "you're my world." 129 00:05:57,375 --> 00:06:00,208 Ugh, I bet my grandpa wouldn't coddle me like that. 130 00:06:00,291 --> 00:06:03,208 I mean, maybe I'm crazy to try and find him, but... Ah! 131 00:06:03,291 --> 00:06:04,291 Nick, listen to me. 132 00:06:04,375 --> 00:06:05,416 You are not crazy. 133 00:06:05,500 --> 00:06:07,916 If I were a human mister man like you, 134 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,541 I would make the exact same choice as you. 135 00:06:10,625 --> 00:06:11,458 Okay. 136 00:06:11,541 --> 00:06:13,500 Glad that makes you feel better, my baby. 137 00:06:13,583 --> 00:06:15,791 It does not. It... It actually rattles me. 138 00:06:15,875 --> 00:06:18,916 -All right, choo-choo time. Choo-choo. -[train horn blows] 139 00:06:19,916 --> 00:06:23,291 Mm. Jay, it's perfectly balanced. 140 00:06:23,375 --> 00:06:27,000 Like an ice cube sitting on top of your hard dick. 141 00:06:27,083 --> 00:06:29,375 Thanks, guys. I just really wanna show Matthew 142 00:06:29,458 --> 00:06:32,333 that I can be classy and sophisticated too. 143 00:06:32,416 --> 00:06:36,875 Well, I, for one, can't wait to meet this Matthew stud. 144 00:06:36,958 --> 00:06:40,666 The four of us can build such a steamy fuck fort together. 145 00:06:40,750 --> 00:06:45,291 Oh, I really don't think he's a fuck fort kinda guy. 146 00:06:45,375 --> 00:06:48,041 He's, like, super fancy and clean. 147 00:06:48,125 --> 00:06:51,416 I guess, picture a... professor of soap? 148 00:06:51,500 --> 00:06:53,791 So, what, we're not invited? 149 00:06:53,875 --> 00:06:55,208 Are you ashamed of us? 150 00:06:55,291 --> 00:06:57,083 No, of course not. 151 00:06:57,166 --> 00:07:00,250 I... I just want this to be Matthew's perfect night. 152 00:07:00,333 --> 00:07:04,750 -Well, can we at least watch? -We promise we won't make a peep. 153 00:07:04,833 --> 00:07:08,000 Huh. So, you'd be watching me and Matthew do stuff 154 00:07:08,083 --> 00:07:10,875 while you flick your little zippers? 155 00:07:10,958 --> 00:07:11,916 Yeah, Daddy. 156 00:07:12,000 --> 00:07:14,541 I'm gonna get my stuffing caught in the teeth. 157 00:07:14,625 --> 00:07:16,833 Oh shit. [chuckles] 158 00:07:16,916 --> 00:07:20,166 Okay. Voyeurism wolf. 159 00:07:20,250 --> 00:07:21,583 [all howl] 160 00:07:22,208 --> 00:07:23,208 [phone dings] 161 00:07:23,291 --> 00:07:24,833 -Bernie's ETA is in 15 minutes. -[farts] 162 00:07:24,916 --> 00:07:28,375 Fifteen or 50? Say it without farting in anticipation. 163 00:07:28,458 --> 00:07:29,541 Fifteen. One-five. 164 00:07:29,625 --> 00:07:31,250 -Oh my, that is soon. -[farting] 165 00:07:31,333 --> 00:07:33,541 Andrew, at the risk of more flatulence, 166 00:07:33,625 --> 00:07:35,958 I just have to say, this could be the greatest night 167 00:07:36,041 --> 00:07:37,500 of your whole ugly little life. 168 00:07:37,583 --> 00:07:40,250 Flanny, my dear, I couldn't agree more. 169 00:07:40,333 --> 00:07:43,125 ♪ Tonight's gonna change My whole life story ♪ 170 00:07:43,208 --> 00:07:45,875 ♪ A moment of unmatched magnitude ♪ 171 00:07:45,958 --> 00:07:48,750 ♪ It's finally time to taste the glory ♪ 172 00:07:48,833 --> 00:07:51,458 ♪ I'm gonna touch a boob ♪ 173 00:07:51,541 --> 00:07:54,375 ♪ Gonna treat my guy so fine and fancy ♪ 174 00:07:54,458 --> 00:07:57,208 ♪ We'll eat off plates like royalty ♪ 175 00:07:57,291 --> 00:08:00,083 ♪ I'll be so suave, he'll shit his pants ♪ 176 00:08:00,166 --> 00:08:02,958 ♪ He won't believe it's me ♪ 177 00:08:03,041 --> 00:08:05,666 ♪ I'm done with my wimpy-ass family ♪ 178 00:08:05,750 --> 00:08:08,458 ♪ I'm taking my fate in my hands ♪ 179 00:08:08,541 --> 00:08:11,500 ♪ I'm sick of the coddling And emotional swaddling ♪ 180 00:08:11,583 --> 00:08:15,166 ♪ Tonight I'll become a man ♪ 181 00:08:15,791 --> 00:08:18,041 ♪ I got a date with destiny ♪ 182 00:08:18,125 --> 00:08:21,416 ♪ There's no way it can't go right ♪ 183 00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:26,250 ♪ Everything's gonna be magical tonight ♪ 184 00:08:26,750 --> 00:08:32,000 ♪ I'm giving this Shabbat Everything this old girl's got ♪ 185 00:08:32,083 --> 00:08:37,250 ♪ I'll be A dazzling, brisket-bearing Judaic queen ♪ 186 00:08:37,333 --> 00:08:40,458 ♪ Every rabbi's dream ♪ 187 00:08:40,541 --> 00:08:44,000 ♪ Oh, I got a hunch There's good things coming ♪ 188 00:08:44,083 --> 00:08:46,375 ♪ The future is looking bright ♪ 189 00:08:46,458 --> 00:08:48,791 ♪ I'll be a manly, kick-ass dude ♪ 190 00:08:48,875 --> 00:08:51,666 ♪ For once, not a filthy low-class rube ♪ 191 00:08:51,750 --> 00:08:54,541 ♪ I'll be a boy who touched a boob ♪ 192 00:08:54,625 --> 00:08:59,375 ♪ After tonight ♪ 193 00:08:59,875 --> 00:09:01,000 [doorbell rings] 194 00:09:01,083 --> 00:09:02,583 Hi. Did I miss the song? 195 00:09:02,666 --> 00:09:04,875 You did. You just missed it. Come in. 196 00:09:05,458 --> 00:09:07,500 Okay. I guess this is it? 197 00:09:07,583 --> 00:09:11,625 I can't believe we're gonna meet the penis that made your dad. 198 00:09:11,708 --> 00:09:12,708 [sighs] 199 00:09:13,833 --> 00:09:14,791 Who the hell are you? 200 00:09:14,875 --> 00:09:19,166 Uh, hi. I'm actually your grandson, Nick Birch. 201 00:09:19,250 --> 00:09:20,291 -Ha! -My dad is... 202 00:09:20,375 --> 00:09:22,500 Well, he used to be your son, William MacGregor, 203 00:09:22,583 --> 00:09:24,166 but now he's Elliot Birch. 204 00:09:24,250 --> 00:09:27,041 A shitty name for a shitty son. 205 00:09:27,125 --> 00:09:30,791 Right. It's a stupid made-up name. I'm really a MacGregor. 206 00:09:30,875 --> 00:09:32,250 Ooh, are you then? 207 00:09:32,333 --> 00:09:35,333 Well, come on in, wee Nicky MacGregor. 208 00:09:35,416 --> 00:09:36,833 Should I take my shoes off? 209 00:09:36,916 --> 00:09:41,750 Shoes off? What for? I haven't taken my shoes off in 15 years. 210 00:09:41,833 --> 00:09:43,500 Sorry, 50 or 15? 211 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:44,958 One-five. 212 00:09:45,041 --> 00:09:48,958 Oh, I can't believe you're actually here in my childhood home. 213 00:09:49,041 --> 00:09:51,333 Enough pleasantries. Brief me on boob strategy. 214 00:09:51,416 --> 00:09:53,708 Okay. After dinner is our best window. 215 00:09:53,791 --> 00:09:54,791 My mom will do the dishes 216 00:09:54,875 --> 00:09:56,833 while my dad will take his big evening shit. 217 00:09:56,916 --> 00:09:58,375 That should give us ten minutes. 218 00:09:58,458 --> 00:09:59,916 Copy. Call it nine for safety. 219 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,208 If we move quickly, it should be just enough time to... 220 00:10:02,291 --> 00:10:04,833 Run upstairs and mammogram each other raw? 221 00:10:04,916 --> 00:10:06,583 -[chuckles] -Oh, the phrasing. 222 00:10:06,666 --> 00:10:08,666 Mm, you dazzle me. 223 00:10:08,750 --> 00:10:11,750 Jay, this dinner is to die for. 224 00:10:11,833 --> 00:10:14,666 -I mean, wow, duck à l'orange. -[laughs] 225 00:10:14,750 --> 00:10:17,125 Oh, sweet Matthew, this isn't duck. 226 00:10:17,208 --> 00:10:19,916 This is a seagull I clobbered with a lacrosse stick. 227 00:10:20,416 --> 00:10:21,458 -Oh. -[chuckles] 228 00:10:21,541 --> 00:10:22,625 He put up a fight. 229 00:10:22,708 --> 00:10:26,250 Well, you know what? The seagull is delicious, and I want the recipe. 230 00:10:26,333 --> 00:10:28,375 So this date is good, and I nailed it? 231 00:10:28,458 --> 00:10:29,541 In your own words, please. 232 00:10:29,625 --> 00:10:31,208 You did great, Jay. 233 00:10:31,291 --> 00:10:33,666 -Yes. -You're fucking killing it, Jay. 234 00:10:33,750 --> 00:10:37,250 I'm so proud, I could fuck you till you die in my arms, bro. 235 00:10:37,333 --> 00:10:41,041 Aw, thanks. You guys are the wind beneath my balls. 236 00:10:41,125 --> 00:10:47,000 ♪ Baruch ata adonai mi'kadesh ha Shabbat ♪ 237 00:10:47,083 --> 00:10:48,791 Lovely blessing, Rabbi. 238 00:10:48,875 --> 00:10:50,166 Yeah, cute song. Let's eat. 239 00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:53,083 Not yet. The rabbi still has to bless the challah. 240 00:10:53,166 --> 00:10:54,083 Oh, who cares? 241 00:10:54,166 --> 00:10:55,791 You think God's listening to us? 242 00:10:55,875 --> 00:10:57,708 He's probably busy making a new COVID. 243 00:10:57,791 --> 00:10:59,500 [clears throat] Guys, we have company. 244 00:10:59,583 --> 00:11:03,500 Uh, Barbara, this brisket smells mouth-watering. 245 00:11:03,583 --> 00:11:06,666 It's from the kosher butcher, the one with only seven fingers. 246 00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:09,375 Oh my God, the price of kosher meat is obscene. 247 00:11:09,458 --> 00:11:12,000 Um, Mrs. Glouberman, this kugel is yummy. 248 00:11:12,083 --> 00:11:13,875 My family never has stuff like this. 249 00:11:13,958 --> 00:11:15,708 Yeah? Neither does ours, Bernie. 250 00:11:15,791 --> 00:11:18,125 Barbara's gone Jew-wild for the rabbi tonight. 251 00:11:18,208 --> 00:11:19,541 Marty, it's for Shabbat. 252 00:11:19,625 --> 00:11:21,375 Oh, Barbara, since when do you care? 253 00:11:21,458 --> 00:11:25,583 Last Friday, we ate moo shu pork in front of an all-new Madam Secretary. 254 00:11:25,666 --> 00:11:30,291 Andrew, your father's brisket-fueled rage is kind of killing the mood with Bernie. 255 00:11:30,375 --> 00:11:33,500 I agree with Jiminy Cricket. The vibe is bad. 256 00:11:33,583 --> 00:11:35,708 The vibe is always bad here, guys. 257 00:11:35,791 --> 00:11:39,625 We just need to get through dinner, and then we can do the titty tango. 258 00:11:39,708 --> 00:11:41,250 Maury's right. We forge ahead. 259 00:11:41,333 --> 00:11:44,000 Now, I think the warm wetness of the brisket 260 00:11:44,083 --> 00:11:46,708 might soothe my engorged bazongas. 261 00:11:47,208 --> 00:11:50,541 Ah. That feels so nice and Jewish. 262 00:11:50,625 --> 00:11:54,166 Wow, the '67 Nipple Twisting Championship. 263 00:11:54,250 --> 00:11:57,125 Isn't that when you took down Mike "The Manicure" McNamara? 264 00:11:57,208 --> 00:12:01,250 Those sharp claws of his were no match for my leathery teats. 265 00:12:01,333 --> 00:12:03,125 -Go ahead, give them a twist. -Really? 266 00:12:03,208 --> 00:12:05,291 You have a gun? Shoot me in the teat. 267 00:12:05,375 --> 00:12:07,666 -I won't feel a thing. -Well, I don't have a gun, so... 268 00:12:07,750 --> 00:12:10,375 Well, you clearly know your nipple twisting, lad. 269 00:12:10,458 --> 00:12:14,208 I wish your lousy father had as much appreciation for the sport. 270 00:12:14,291 --> 00:12:16,291 Yeah. I mean, it's the sport of champions. 271 00:12:16,375 --> 00:12:18,958 -It should've been in the Olympics. -In the Olympics. 272 00:12:19,041 --> 00:12:20,166 Yeah, exactly. 273 00:12:20,250 --> 00:12:22,625 You're a good shit, Nick MacGregor. 274 00:12:22,708 --> 00:12:26,416 Thank you. I am a good shit. And so are you, Grandpa. 275 00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:27,458 Ah. 276 00:12:27,541 --> 00:12:29,541 I'm thirsty. You want something from the kitchen? 277 00:12:29,625 --> 00:12:30,833 Yeah, I could do a snack. 278 00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:33,500 What are you thinking? Uh, Pirate's Booty, LÄRABAR, 279 00:12:33,583 --> 00:12:36,416 or do you have any of those Babybel cheeses? 280 00:12:39,791 --> 00:12:41,250 I've got beer and oatmeal. 281 00:12:41,333 --> 00:12:42,625 Uh-huh. 282 00:12:42,708 --> 00:12:47,875 Nick, check it out. The cockroaches are taking me to lunch. Whee! 283 00:12:47,958 --> 00:12:49,916 -[moaning] -Ooh. 284 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:51,833 -Damn. -Yes, Daddy. 285 00:12:51,916 --> 00:12:54,083 Uh, sorry, quick bathroom break. 286 00:12:54,166 --> 00:12:55,708 Don't go anywhere. 287 00:12:55,791 --> 00:12:58,583 And don't you piss too hard. 288 00:12:58,666 --> 00:12:59,500 [chuckles] 289 00:12:59,583 --> 00:13:00,583 Yo! 290 00:13:00,666 --> 00:13:02,625 It's going so well, Jay. 291 00:13:02,708 --> 00:13:06,916 Right? And I was so nervous that seagull wouldn't die in the oven. 292 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,416 -I meant Matthew, you silly stud. -Oh. 293 00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:12,208 He seems 100% DTFF. 294 00:13:12,291 --> 00:13:13,750 Down to fuck fort. 295 00:13:13,833 --> 00:13:15,125 Wait, you really think so? 296 00:13:15,208 --> 00:13:19,416 Come on, bro. You know you wanna introduce us to that blond bombshell. 297 00:13:19,500 --> 00:13:23,625 Or are you scared of having too many perfect holes to choose from? 298 00:13:23,708 --> 00:13:25,875 Oh shit. 299 00:13:25,958 --> 00:13:28,666 Jay, did you know there's a fish in your toilet? 300 00:13:28,750 --> 00:13:30,500 Oh. What's going on? 301 00:13:30,583 --> 00:13:33,125 We're just waiting on you, king cupcake. 302 00:13:33,208 --> 00:13:34,833 Okay. 303 00:13:34,916 --> 00:13:36,958 I don't know what to do, Rabbi. 304 00:13:37,041 --> 00:13:39,250 Sharon Krauss and Sharon Menachem 305 00:13:39,333 --> 00:13:42,541 both want to be Queen Esther for the Purim Cabaret, 306 00:13:42,625 --> 00:13:44,708 and they're both such dynamic performers. 307 00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:48,791 Come to my office on Monday, the three of you, and I shall mediate. 308 00:13:48,875 --> 00:13:52,166 Oh yeah. Yeah, you'll love that, won't you, Paulblart? 309 00:13:52,250 --> 00:13:55,541 A harem of women bowing down before the mighty rabbi. 310 00:13:55,625 --> 00:13:57,291 Marty. He's trying to help. 311 00:13:57,375 --> 00:13:58,791 Oh boy, this is stressful. 312 00:13:58,875 --> 00:14:00,666 Oh, this is... This is normal. 313 00:14:00,750 --> 00:14:04,208 I'd be concerned if they weren't screaming at each other like maniacs. 314 00:14:04,291 --> 00:14:07,375 I'm so sorry, Rabbi. I just wanted a nice Shabbat. 315 00:14:07,458 --> 00:14:11,000 Nay, nay, nay, you should take very much pride in this meal. 316 00:14:11,083 --> 00:14:14,541 Oh, what the hell does "nay" mean? You wanna say no, say no. 317 00:14:14,625 --> 00:14:16,750 And you, Marty, you should take pride 318 00:14:16,833 --> 00:14:20,000 in your beautiful wife's devotion to Judaism. 319 00:14:20,083 --> 00:14:23,708 That's very kind, Rabbi. It's nice to be appreciated. 320 00:14:23,791 --> 00:14:25,541 Hey, I appreciate you. 321 00:14:25,625 --> 00:14:27,000 You most certainly do not. 322 00:14:27,083 --> 00:14:29,500 If I appreciated you more, I'd vomit. 323 00:14:29,583 --> 00:14:31,041 -Andrew... -It's fine. 324 00:14:31,125 --> 00:14:33,750 It's just turbulence. They're gonna land the plane. 325 00:14:33,833 --> 00:14:36,000 I don't know why I thought this was a good idea. 326 00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:39,583 No tears, Barbara, for this was a lovely Shabbat, 327 00:14:39,666 --> 00:14:42,625 whether your husband appreciates it or not. 328 00:14:42,708 --> 00:14:43,750 Thank you, Rabbi. 329 00:14:43,833 --> 00:14:46,125 You're as kind as you are wise. 330 00:14:46,208 --> 00:14:47,250 Hey, Paulblart. 331 00:14:47,333 --> 00:14:49,125 -You schtupping my wife? -What? 332 00:14:49,208 --> 00:14:50,500 -What? -Marty! 333 00:14:50,583 --> 00:14:52,208 [laughs] Oh shit. 334 00:14:52,291 --> 00:14:54,583 Oh shit, indeed. 335 00:14:54,666 --> 00:14:55,750 Uh, you know what? 336 00:14:55,833 --> 00:14:59,125 I'm actually gonna pass on the beer and dirty oatmeal sludge, 337 00:14:59,208 --> 00:15:00,625 but, uh, thanks a mil. 338 00:15:00,708 --> 00:15:02,708 A little fuss-boy, eh? Ha! 339 00:15:02,791 --> 00:15:05,625 I see your father in you now, Nick Birch. 340 00:15:05,708 --> 00:15:07,250 No, I'm Nick MacGregor. 341 00:15:07,333 --> 00:15:11,125 And I'm not fussy, but do you have just a spoon without bird shit on it? 342 00:15:11,208 --> 00:15:12,541 I do not. 343 00:15:12,625 --> 00:15:14,291 Don't do it, man. I'm telling you, 344 00:15:14,375 --> 00:15:17,166 bird shit does not taste as good as it looks. 345 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,083 But I have to. 346 00:15:18,166 --> 00:15:19,708 This is what men do, 347 00:15:19,791 --> 00:15:21,791 awful, disgusting things. 348 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:25,833 Uh... 349 00:15:26,375 --> 00:15:27,333 [Seamus] Go on. 350 00:15:27,416 --> 00:15:29,958 What's wrong with you? Stick it in your mouth. 351 00:15:31,958 --> 00:15:34,666 Oh yeah. You can really taste the bird shit. 352 00:15:34,750 --> 00:15:37,041 Good boy. Now, finish the bowl. 353 00:15:37,125 --> 00:15:39,416 We don't waste beer in this house. 354 00:15:40,083 --> 00:15:43,750 Okay, yeah. This is actually pretty good bird shit. 355 00:15:43,833 --> 00:15:46,625 Matthew, it is my very horny pleasure 356 00:15:46,708 --> 00:15:51,291 to introduce you to Brad Polumbo and Suzette Saint James. 357 00:15:51,375 --> 00:15:53,250 [chuckles] Hello, folks. 358 00:15:53,333 --> 00:15:54,750 Hello, gorgeous. 359 00:15:54,833 --> 00:15:56,291 Enchanté, bro. 360 00:15:56,375 --> 00:16:00,083 The three of us have been sensual collaborators 361 00:16:00,166 --> 00:16:02,791 for, what, over a year now, guys? 362 00:16:02,875 --> 00:16:05,875 Time flies when you're getting railed superbly. 363 00:16:05,958 --> 00:16:08,208 Uh, Jay, what is happening, exactly? 364 00:16:08,291 --> 00:16:11,041 I just thought it might be fun 365 00:16:11,125 --> 00:16:16,166 for all of my lovers to maybe, I don't know, share each other's bodies? 366 00:16:16,250 --> 00:16:17,208 Okay... 367 00:16:17,291 --> 00:16:21,208 So, maybe, start by picking a partner. 368 00:16:21,291 --> 00:16:23,083 Ooh, pick me, Daddy. 369 00:16:23,166 --> 00:16:24,500 No, no, no. Me, bro. 370 00:16:24,583 --> 00:16:25,625 [Matthew] Oh, gosh. 371 00:16:25,708 --> 00:16:27,416 [chuckles] I don't know. 372 00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:30,875 I guess I'll take this little one that's crunchy. 373 00:16:30,958 --> 00:16:33,458 Ooh-la-la, the lovely lady. 374 00:16:33,541 --> 00:16:35,125 [chuckles] You're full of surprises. 375 00:16:35,208 --> 00:16:37,375 So, what do I do with it? 376 00:16:37,458 --> 00:16:40,250 -It? -Jesus Christ, Matthew, she has a name. 377 00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,291 Suzette Saint James. 378 00:16:42,375 --> 00:16:44,375 Of the Atlantic City Saint Jameses. 379 00:16:44,458 --> 00:16:45,458 Okay, I'm sorry. 380 00:16:45,541 --> 00:16:47,166 Uh, can we press pause? 381 00:16:47,250 --> 00:16:49,541 We can agree these are just pillows, right? 382 00:16:49,625 --> 00:16:50,708 Oh, uh... 383 00:16:50,791 --> 00:16:52,208 Just pillows, bro? 384 00:16:52,291 --> 00:16:55,000 I'm a beloved child of God, just like anyone else. 385 00:16:55,083 --> 00:16:56,833 -Tell him, Jay. -I mean... 386 00:16:56,916 --> 00:16:58,791 [hesitates] Of course they're just pillows. 387 00:16:58,875 --> 00:16:59,958 What the fuck? 388 00:17:00,041 --> 00:17:01,291 Et tu, bro Jay? 389 00:17:01,375 --> 00:17:04,166 [chuckles] Okay. Oh, thank God. 390 00:17:04,250 --> 00:17:05,750 Sorry, no. It was a funny joke. 391 00:17:05,833 --> 00:17:08,791 Yeah, a joke. Not a savage betrayal. 392 00:17:08,875 --> 00:17:10,708 -Holy shit. -This is unbelievable. 393 00:17:10,791 --> 00:17:12,958 Now, uh, where... where were we? 394 00:17:13,041 --> 00:17:14,125 Oh my God. 395 00:17:14,208 --> 00:17:16,875 I'm gonna cry for the first time since my dad died. 396 00:17:16,958 --> 00:17:19,916 Rest in power, Alfonse Polumbo. 397 00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:21,791 [Barbara] What is wrong with you, Marty? 398 00:17:21,875 --> 00:17:25,541 Of course I'm not sleeping with the Rabbi. I would never. 399 00:17:25,625 --> 00:17:29,208 And nor do I feel any attraction to Barbara. Nay, nay, nay. 400 00:17:29,291 --> 00:17:32,666 I am only aroused by very muscular women, 401 00:17:32,750 --> 00:17:35,291 much more muscular than you're picturing right now. 402 00:17:35,375 --> 00:17:37,375 If nothing's going on, then how come you're spending 403 00:17:37,458 --> 00:17:39,291 so much time at the synagogue all of a sudden? 404 00:17:39,375 --> 00:17:40,708 Oh, what a fun guy. 405 00:17:40,791 --> 00:17:43,250 Does anyone want some wine, a glass of seltzer? 406 00:17:43,333 --> 00:17:44,625 A gulp of my breast soda? 407 00:17:44,708 --> 00:17:48,083 No, your tits taste like piss. 408 00:17:48,166 --> 00:17:51,125 I'm sorry you think so little of me, Marty. 409 00:17:51,208 --> 00:17:52,375 But believe it or not, 410 00:17:52,458 --> 00:17:55,458 I don't go to the synagogue for some cheap affair. 411 00:17:55,541 --> 00:17:58,125 I go because it gives me purpose. 412 00:17:58,208 --> 00:18:00,583 That, I will not apologize for. 413 00:18:00,666 --> 00:18:02,958 That, I need you to respect. 414 00:18:04,791 --> 00:18:07,000 Nope. Sounds like you're schtupping the rabbi. 415 00:18:07,083 --> 00:18:08,166 -Sweet Jesus. -Oh, Marty. 416 00:18:08,250 --> 00:18:09,083 Oy vavoy. 417 00:18:09,166 --> 00:18:11,541 I... I don't think I can be here right now. 418 00:18:11,625 --> 00:18:13,416 What? Where the hell do you think you're going? 419 00:18:13,500 --> 00:18:15,500 -I'm sorry, sweetie. -Mama. 420 00:18:15,583 --> 00:18:17,041 Shabbat Shalom, Rabbi. 421 00:18:17,125 --> 00:18:18,833 Dad's just kidding. Right? 422 00:18:18,916 --> 00:18:21,500 -Tell her you're kidding. -She's not going anywhere. 423 00:18:21,583 --> 00:18:22,875 Uh, she's getting in the car. 424 00:18:22,958 --> 00:18:24,291 It's all a big bluff. 425 00:18:24,375 --> 00:18:26,083 Uh, she's driving away. 426 00:18:26,166 --> 00:18:28,583 And she's giving the house the middle finger. 427 00:18:28,666 --> 00:18:30,583 Yeah... She'll... She'll be back. 428 00:18:30,666 --> 00:18:32,833 Marriages, Marty, are very difficult... 429 00:18:32,916 --> 00:18:34,125 Oh, you shut the hell up. 430 00:18:34,208 --> 00:18:37,708 You better be out of my house by the time I finish my big evening shit. 431 00:18:37,791 --> 00:18:39,625 You got nine minutes and 50 seconds. 432 00:18:39,708 --> 00:18:42,500 I'm sorry, did you say 50 or 15? 433 00:18:42,583 --> 00:18:43,833 Five-O. 434 00:18:43,916 --> 00:18:46,083 Uh, I guess that's our cue to go upstairs? 435 00:18:46,166 --> 00:18:47,416 Really? Are you sure? 436 00:18:47,500 --> 00:18:49,083 Yes, we're sure. Our window is closing. 437 00:18:49,166 --> 00:18:51,541 How can you think about Bernie's bosom 438 00:18:51,625 --> 00:18:54,375 when your sweet mother's bosom just walked out the door? 439 00:18:54,458 --> 00:18:56,000 Flanny, tonight's the night. 440 00:18:56,083 --> 00:18:57,041 You heard the song. 441 00:18:57,125 --> 00:18:59,416 ♪ I'm gonna touch a boob ♪ 442 00:18:59,500 --> 00:19:00,333 [chuckles] 443 00:19:00,416 --> 00:19:01,375 Come on, Bernie. 444 00:19:01,458 --> 00:19:03,875 We're doing this whether we like it or not. 445 00:19:04,583 --> 00:19:05,416 Mm. 446 00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:06,333 Tasty. 447 00:19:06,416 --> 00:19:09,458 Not exactly how I pictured having my first beer, but you know... 448 00:19:09,541 --> 00:19:11,166 I've gotta piss. Hand me that can. 449 00:19:11,250 --> 00:19:12,708 -What? -Hurry, it's coming. 450 00:19:12,791 --> 00:19:15,583 -Okay, what are you gonna do with the can? -Turn around, over there. Go! 451 00:19:15,666 --> 00:19:16,500 Are you... 452 00:19:17,166 --> 00:19:19,083 What the hell? Don't you have a bathroom? 453 00:19:19,166 --> 00:19:22,958 Don't give me your sass, boy. Toilets are for grandpa's chocolate. 454 00:19:23,041 --> 00:19:25,375 Oh, you just ruined chocolate for me. 455 00:19:25,458 --> 00:19:28,541 Sorry to offend your delicate sensibilities. 456 00:19:28,625 --> 00:19:32,333 Ew, the cockroaches are laying eggs on my bird-shit spoon. 457 00:19:32,416 --> 00:19:35,083 -[grunts] -Oh, babe, I love you so much right now. 458 00:19:35,166 --> 00:19:36,041 Hey. Fuck off. 459 00:19:36,125 --> 00:19:37,291 Oh! 460 00:19:37,375 --> 00:19:39,541 Oh, you threw the piss can. 461 00:19:39,625 --> 00:19:41,875 I told you, we don't waste beer in this house. 462 00:19:41,958 --> 00:19:43,500 Okay, I thought he was cool, 463 00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:45,958 but now I think he might just be fucking crazy. 464 00:19:46,041 --> 00:19:50,541 It's a fine line, man, and I walk that tightrope every day. [chuckles] 465 00:19:50,625 --> 00:19:53,083 -He makes good lemonade, though. -Ugh. 466 00:19:53,166 --> 00:19:56,666 Well, Mr. MacGregor, very weird meeting you, 467 00:19:56,750 --> 00:19:59,250 -but I think I gotta skedaddle. -What? You just got here. 468 00:19:59,333 --> 00:20:02,916 Yeah, and you just threw your piss at me, so, uh, goodbye. 469 00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,958 Oh, I see. You're just like your father. 470 00:20:06,041 --> 00:20:08,041 Running away when you get scared. 471 00:20:08,125 --> 00:20:10,791 Yeah, I'm scared, because you're fucking scary. 472 00:20:10,875 --> 00:20:12,208 And your oatmeal sucks. 473 00:20:12,291 --> 00:20:14,208 Get back here, you spoiled brat! 474 00:20:14,291 --> 00:20:15,208 Ah! Leave me alone. 475 00:20:15,291 --> 00:20:18,333 Stay here. Oh, you dirty, fucking bastard. 476 00:20:18,833 --> 00:20:19,666 [screams] 477 00:20:19,750 --> 00:20:22,541 -Holy shit. -Christ, my fucking ankle. 478 00:20:23,041 --> 00:20:25,458 I was wrong. You're not a good shit. 479 00:20:25,541 --> 00:20:28,500 You're a bad, prickly, hard shit. 480 00:20:28,583 --> 00:20:30,125 Fuck. Oh fuck. 481 00:20:30,208 --> 00:20:32,375 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 482 00:20:32,458 --> 00:20:33,375 [phone rings] 483 00:20:33,458 --> 00:20:34,916 Birch residence, I love you. 484 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,833 Dad? I'm in trouble. Can you please come get me? 485 00:20:37,916 --> 00:20:38,833 Oh no. 486 00:20:38,916 --> 00:20:41,541 Did you ask Fran Lebowitz when she's gonna write another book? 487 00:20:41,625 --> 00:20:42,666 She hates that, Nicky. 488 00:20:42,750 --> 00:20:45,375 No, I lied to you. There's no interview. 489 00:20:45,458 --> 00:20:48,708 I don't even know who Fran Lebowitz is. I just made up a random Jewish name. 490 00:20:48,791 --> 00:20:52,666 Well, Fran Lebowitz started out as a radical magazine writer in the 1970s... 491 00:20:52,750 --> 00:20:55,791 Dad. Shut up. I went to Staten Island to find your father. 492 00:20:55,875 --> 00:20:58,041 -What? -[Nick] But it was such a bad idea. 493 00:20:58,125 --> 00:21:00,625 He chased me around and made me drink beer and eat bird shit. 494 00:21:00,708 --> 00:21:03,625 And now I'm trapped in his bedroom. Can you please come get me? 495 00:21:03,708 --> 00:21:05,500 Don't you worry. I'll be there in 50 minutes. 496 00:21:05,583 --> 00:21:07,041 Fifty or 15? 497 00:21:07,125 --> 00:21:08,791 No time for callbacks, Nicky. 498 00:21:08,875 --> 00:21:10,291 Okay, right this way. 499 00:21:10,375 --> 00:21:12,208 Now we still have a few minutes of fondling time 500 00:21:12,291 --> 00:21:14,125 while my dad is punishing our plumbing. 501 00:21:14,208 --> 00:21:16,208 I mean, yeah, I'm still down, if you are. 502 00:21:16,291 --> 00:21:18,166 Why wouldn't I be down? 503 00:21:18,250 --> 00:21:20,125 Andrew's mom. Andrew's mom. 504 00:21:20,208 --> 00:21:22,000 -Flanny, please. -When are you coming home? 505 00:21:22,083 --> 00:21:23,958 -Get a hold of yourself. -Please come home to us. 506 00:21:24,041 --> 00:21:26,333 Just ignore him. Juice her nectarines. 507 00:21:26,416 --> 00:21:28,708 And you don't mind if I pump while you're at it, right? 508 00:21:28,791 --> 00:21:30,583 Andrew, are you sure you're okay? 509 00:21:30,666 --> 00:21:34,541 Are you kidding? I'm about to honk second base, right? 510 00:21:34,625 --> 00:21:37,666 Okay. Come and get 'em. 511 00:21:37,750 --> 00:21:39,666 -Where did she go? -Yes... 512 00:21:39,750 --> 00:21:40,708 We need you now. 513 00:21:41,291 --> 00:21:43,958 Oh, my breasts. 514 00:21:44,041 --> 00:21:45,333 [Andrew cries] 515 00:21:45,416 --> 00:21:48,125 Why is the world so cruel? 516 00:21:48,208 --> 00:21:51,083 Okay, maybe you need just, like, a minute? 517 00:21:51,166 --> 00:21:52,583 I could give you some privacy. 518 00:21:52,666 --> 00:21:55,000 [crying] No, Mommy, please don't go! 519 00:21:55,083 --> 00:21:56,375 [crying] Andrew's mom! 520 00:21:56,458 --> 00:21:59,458 I don't know what's gonna happen to my lousy family. 521 00:21:59,541 --> 00:22:02,583 [crying] And I don't know how to be a good daddy to my child. 522 00:22:02,666 --> 00:22:05,208 I am also crying too. 523 00:22:05,291 --> 00:22:08,708 I'm sorry, Bernie, I'm crying so much. 524 00:22:08,791 --> 00:22:10,791 -Oh, that's okay. -[sniffles] 525 00:22:10,875 --> 00:22:11,833 I'm pretty scared. 526 00:22:11,916 --> 00:22:14,000 That's okay too. Come here. 527 00:22:14,083 --> 00:22:18,083 Thanks. I'm going to get more snot on your shirt than you think. 528 00:22:18,166 --> 00:22:22,125 And I'm a shitty titty failure, and I don't deserve happiness. 529 00:22:22,208 --> 00:22:25,083 Oh, hey, you're a good daddy. 530 00:22:25,166 --> 00:22:27,166 I mean, you're doing your best. 531 00:22:27,250 --> 00:22:30,166 I'm just a finicky little asshole. That's all. 532 00:22:30,250 --> 00:22:32,166 Oh, I love you, Montel. 533 00:22:32,250 --> 00:22:34,041 And I love you, Bernie. 534 00:22:34,125 --> 00:22:35,416 -[Maury and Flanny] What? -What? 535 00:22:35,500 --> 00:22:36,416 Oh shit. 536 00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:38,750 Oh, wow. I love you too. 537 00:22:38,833 --> 00:22:40,958 -Oh, you do? -I really do. 538 00:22:41,041 --> 00:22:43,333 [laughs] No fucking way. 539 00:22:43,416 --> 00:22:46,791 Thank Jesus Christ and all 12 of his roomies. 540 00:22:46,875 --> 00:22:49,166 Oh, this is fantastic. 541 00:22:49,250 --> 00:22:51,041 Hey, fellas, just to ask. 542 00:22:51,125 --> 00:22:53,250 -Does this count as boob touching? -Of course it does. 543 00:22:53,333 --> 00:22:56,041 -No, bud, and I know you know that. -It does. It absolutely does. 544 00:22:56,125 --> 00:22:58,833 -No, no, no. Come on. You know it doesn't. -Maury, it counts. 545 00:22:58,916 --> 00:22:59,916 Flanny. 546 00:23:01,333 --> 00:23:03,083 [grunting] 547 00:23:03,958 --> 00:23:06,000 Well, I'll be a dad of a bitch. 548 00:23:06,083 --> 00:23:07,125 Where's Nicky? 549 00:23:07,208 --> 00:23:09,833 Dad? Oh, thank God. Can we please go home? 550 00:23:09,916 --> 00:23:12,833 He threw his piss can at me, and the piss was really hot. 551 00:23:12,916 --> 00:23:16,833 [groans] Your boy's more of a wimp than you ever were. 552 00:23:16,916 --> 00:23:17,791 [grunts] 553 00:23:17,875 --> 00:23:21,416 What's wrong? Nothing to say to your old man? 554 00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:24,083 Only that Nicky was never supposed to know you. 555 00:23:24,166 --> 00:23:25,875 And I wish I never had. 556 00:23:27,250 --> 00:23:28,833 You were so right about him, Dad. 557 00:23:28,916 --> 00:23:30,541 What a demented old goat. 558 00:23:30,625 --> 00:23:33,000 I hope all the maggots in there eat his face off. 559 00:23:33,083 --> 00:23:36,041 Maggots? And did you say something about piss cans? 560 00:23:36,125 --> 00:23:38,666 Ugh, yes. He goes in the beer cans, 561 00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:41,916 and then there's no system for telling the piss and the beer apart. 562 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:45,916 Like, get a label maker, Seamus. Fuck you. Rot and die. 563 00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:47,416 -[grunts] -Oh. 564 00:23:47,500 --> 00:23:48,416 Oh no. 565 00:23:48,500 --> 00:23:50,625 -Dad? What are you doing? -[sighs] 566 00:23:50,708 --> 00:23:52,625 -We can't leave him like this. -Why not? 567 00:23:52,708 --> 00:23:55,416 Because we're Birches. That means we have compassion 568 00:23:55,500 --> 00:23:58,083 and we do the right thing, even when it's difficult. 569 00:23:58,166 --> 00:24:00,125 It also means we have small penises, 570 00:24:00,208 --> 00:24:02,916 but we compensate by performing dynamite cunnilingus. 571 00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:03,833 Okay... 572 00:24:03,916 --> 00:24:05,916 Oh, Nicky, you might not understand this yet, 573 00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:09,375 but it's a lot harder to be a Birch than a MacGregor. 574 00:24:09,458 --> 00:24:12,541 It's even harder to be a pimp, like the song says, 575 00:24:12,625 --> 00:24:16,166 but in reality, I think it's much harder to be a prostitute. 576 00:24:16,250 --> 00:24:17,916 Oh, I'm sorry, I... I forgot. 577 00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:20,750 We're supposed to call them "flight attendants" now. 578 00:24:21,458 --> 00:24:25,958 Boob fondling or no, Andrew, you groped real love tonight. 579 00:24:26,041 --> 00:24:27,750 But your father, on the other hand... 580 00:24:27,833 --> 00:24:29,875 Hey, uh, Dad? 581 00:24:29,958 --> 00:24:30,916 Are you okay? 582 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:34,083 Yeah, how come all of a sudden, we're not enough for her anymore? 583 00:24:34,166 --> 00:24:38,041 I... I think maybe she just wants a little appreciation? 584 00:24:38,125 --> 00:24:39,458 She wants it all. 585 00:24:39,541 --> 00:24:43,083 Who does she think she is, Debra Messing, Queen of the Jews? 586 00:24:43,166 --> 00:24:44,583 -But, Dad. -No, get out of here. 587 00:24:44,666 --> 00:24:47,458 Go to bed. You're making me miss my pet medication commercial. 588 00:24:47,541 --> 00:24:50,166 [woman on TV] Your pets can't tell you when they're not feeling well. 589 00:24:50,250 --> 00:24:52,708 These cats don't look sick. They're fine. 590 00:24:53,291 --> 00:24:57,416 How could you, Jay? I've never felt so betrayed. 591 00:24:57,500 --> 00:25:01,291 It's like a dagger to my dick, bro, and not the good kind. 592 00:25:01,375 --> 00:25:03,333 Will you guys please shut up? 593 00:25:03,416 --> 00:25:06,666 -Jay, is everything okay? -Everything's great. Why do you ask? 594 00:25:06,750 --> 00:25:08,833 Okay. Is tonight ruined? 595 00:25:08,916 --> 00:25:11,458 Did I mess it up with Suzette and Chad? 596 00:25:11,541 --> 00:25:12,666 -I'm sorry, Chad? 597 00:25:12,750 --> 00:25:15,333 -Yeah, you did. -That's so different from Brad. 598 00:25:15,416 --> 00:25:17,166 Matthew, don't be ridiculous. 599 00:25:17,250 --> 00:25:20,250 They're just pillows. And you are my real-life boyfriend. 600 00:25:20,333 --> 00:25:23,750 Well, that's obvious, but it's still nice to hear. 601 00:25:23,833 --> 00:25:26,416 And I guess, you know, 602 00:25:26,500 --> 00:25:31,291 the time has come to leave behind childish sex cushions. 603 00:25:31,375 --> 00:25:33,833 Yeah, I think so. [moans] 604 00:25:33,916 --> 00:25:35,458 I can't fucking believe it. 605 00:25:35,541 --> 00:25:37,791 This is just like in Toy Story 3, 606 00:25:37,875 --> 00:25:40,583 when Andy didn't want to fuck his toys no more. 607 00:25:41,250 --> 00:25:42,958 Goodbye, Jay. 608 00:25:43,041 --> 00:25:46,166 You'll always be real to us, bro. 609 00:25:47,041 --> 00:25:49,791 Farewell, my sweet fuck pillows. 610 00:25:49,875 --> 00:25:51,250 Farewell. 611 00:25:52,666 --> 00:25:54,583 ♪ Goodbye, my lover ♪ 612 00:25:55,291 --> 00:25:57,333 ♪ Goodbye, my friend ♪ 613 00:25:57,416 --> 00:25:59,000 ♪ You have been the one ♪ 614 00:25:59,916 --> 00:26:02,000 ♪ You have been the one for me ♪ 615 00:26:02,791 --> 00:26:04,583 ♪ Goodbye, my lover ♪ 616 00:26:05,083 --> 00:26:07,458 ♪ Goodbye, my friend ♪ 617 00:26:07,541 --> 00:26:09,000 ♪ You have been the one ♪ 618 00:26:10,041 --> 00:26:12,458 ♪ You have been the one for me ♪ 619 00:26:17,583 --> 00:26:19,000 ♪ I am a dreamer ♪ 620 00:26:20,083 --> 00:26:21,583 ♪ And when I wake ♪ 621 00:26:22,583 --> 00:26:24,666 ♪ You can't break my spirit ♪ 622 00:26:25,166 --> 00:26:27,000 ♪ It's my dreams you take ♪ 623 00:26:27,583 --> 00:26:29,500 ♪ And as you move on ♪ 624 00:26:29,583 --> 00:26:31,000 ♪ Remember me ♪