1 00:00:08,041 --> 00:00:09,458 -[horse neighs] -[gunshots] 2 00:00:09,541 --> 00:00:10,750 [Seamus] Hey, Willy boy. 3 00:00:10,833 --> 00:00:12,208 Bring me another beer. 4 00:00:12,291 --> 00:00:15,166 And some of those fancy nuts with the candy around them. 5 00:00:15,250 --> 00:00:16,958 I told you, Dad, it's Elliot. 6 00:00:17,041 --> 00:00:19,291 And the fancy nuts are peanut M&M's. 7 00:00:19,375 --> 00:00:22,666 But we'll address all that and the decades of trauma you've inflicted upon me 8 00:00:22,750 --> 00:00:24,500 after your ankle heals, okay? 9 00:00:24,583 --> 00:00:26,750 Dad, how long is he staying here? 10 00:00:26,833 --> 00:00:28,625 He's been pissing in beer cans. 11 00:00:28,708 --> 00:00:31,458 Well, the orthopedist said he has to be in a cast for 6 to 8 weeks, 12 00:00:31,541 --> 00:00:32,458 so it'll just fly by. 13 00:00:32,541 --> 00:00:35,375 Don't you think he'd be more comfortable if he were dead in the ground? 14 00:00:35,458 --> 00:00:38,250 [gasps] Are you suggesting we euthanize your grandfather? 15 00:00:38,333 --> 00:00:40,708 Of course not. We would pay somebody to do it. 16 00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:41,666 Nicholas Birch! 17 00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:42,833 Uh-oh. 18 00:00:42,916 --> 00:00:44,916 Mommy Diane is using your big-boy name. 19 00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:46,666 Your grandfather is only here 20 00:00:46,750 --> 00:00:48,833 because you couldn't leave well enough alone. 21 00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:52,166 Now, why don't you go and bring him a beer and his fancy nuts. 22 00:00:52,250 --> 00:00:53,833 -But... -Just fucking do it. 23 00:00:53,916 --> 00:00:57,416 -[groans] -Ooh, it's my wee butler. 24 00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:59,875 And I call you that because now you can take away my wee. 25 00:00:59,958 --> 00:01:04,291 Ew, I'm not taking your pee can. There's, like, steam coming off it. 26 00:01:04,375 --> 00:01:06,291 [man] Say, is your life miserable? 27 00:01:06,375 --> 00:01:07,208 Yes. 28 00:01:07,291 --> 00:01:11,041 [man] Well, just imagine a future where everything is perfect, 29 00:01:11,125 --> 00:01:14,041 where possibility meets impossibility, 30 00:01:14,125 --> 00:01:18,041 and it's all pinned right to your very own shirt. 31 00:01:18,125 --> 00:01:20,916 Introducing the Apple Brooch. 32 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:24,833 Oh, it's so fancy and shiny. 33 00:01:24,916 --> 00:01:27,500 [man] It's like a gleaming sign on your chest 34 00:01:27,583 --> 00:01:31,375 that says, "I have disposable income to burn." 35 00:01:31,458 --> 00:01:33,291 I've always wanted a brooch. 36 00:01:33,375 --> 00:01:36,416 I just don't think I knew it until right now. 37 00:01:36,500 --> 00:01:40,208 What a worthless piece of shite for rich, spoiled bitches. 38 00:01:40,291 --> 00:01:42,833 Mommy, Daddy, can I get an Apple Brooch? 39 00:01:42,916 --> 00:01:45,541 Of course. I'm sorry you even had to ask. 40 00:01:45,625 --> 00:01:48,041 -Absolutely not. -Excuse me?! 41 00:01:48,125 --> 00:01:50,583 I told you not to dig into your father's past. 42 00:01:50,666 --> 00:01:52,083 And here we are. 43 00:01:52,166 --> 00:01:54,208 Consequences for your actions. 44 00:01:54,291 --> 00:01:56,541 But I want an Apple Brooch! 45 00:01:56,625 --> 00:01:58,416 We needs it. 46 00:01:58,500 --> 00:02:00,958 -I said no, and that's final. -[groans] 47 00:02:01,041 --> 00:02:03,333 Uh, I think something's wrong with your mom. 48 00:02:03,416 --> 00:02:05,625 Maybe you should try restarting her. 49 00:02:05,708 --> 00:02:07,458 She's busted, baby. 50 00:02:09,833 --> 00:02:15,458 {\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 51 00:02:19,291 --> 00:02:24,833 {\an8}♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 52 00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:27,541 {\an8}♪ Oh, in my life ♪ 53 00:02:29,000 --> 00:02:32,250 ♪ Oh, ooh, ooh ♪ 54 00:02:41,541 --> 00:02:45,291 Jessi, I can't believe you're gonna leave me alone with your dad. 55 00:02:45,375 --> 00:02:47,583 {\an8}Will you please text me every stupid little thing he says? 56 00:02:47,666 --> 00:02:49,333 {\an8}You got it, girl. [chuckles] 57 00:02:49,416 --> 00:02:50,541 {\an8}I like Caitlin. 58 00:02:50,625 --> 00:02:53,416 {\an8}She's who I'd wanna be if none of my dreams came true. 59 00:02:53,500 --> 00:02:54,833 So, when I'm eating peanuts, 60 00:02:54,916 --> 00:02:56,958 it's kinda like I'm making peanut butter in my mouth. 61 00:02:57,041 --> 00:02:58,750 -Uh-huh. -But I don't feel that way 62 00:02:58,833 --> 00:03:00,791 -about jelly when I'm eating grapes. -[phone dings] 63 00:03:00,875 --> 00:03:02,833 -You know what I mean? -[chuckles] Oh my God. 64 00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:06,125 [chuckles] What's, uh... What's so funny? What's funny? 65 00:03:06,208 --> 00:03:09,458 Oh, um, nothing. Just a... Just a text Caitlin sent me. 66 00:03:09,541 --> 00:03:12,875 Oh, fun. You guys have inside jokes. That's fun. 67 00:03:12,958 --> 00:03:14,458 Uh, but we should get going, Jess. 68 00:03:14,541 --> 00:03:16,291 I've been saving The Bachelor, 69 00:03:16,375 --> 00:03:20,083 and I think Ashley S. is finally on her way out. 70 00:03:20,166 --> 00:03:22,916 Ooh, you know what? It's actually Ashley R. 71 00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:24,041 I watched it with Caitlin. 72 00:03:24,125 --> 00:03:28,666 Oh, you watched it without me, and you spoiled it for me. That's fun too. 73 00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:29,916 Hey, hey, hey, Shannon? 74 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:33,916 -Uh, regarding the Jessi bucks... -You mean the child support check? 75 00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:35,208 Yeah, the Jessi bucks. 76 00:03:35,291 --> 00:03:37,291 -Could I get cash instead? -[sighs] 77 00:03:37,375 --> 00:03:40,083 Whoa! Shannon got that paper. 78 00:03:40,166 --> 00:03:42,416 Wow, I didn't realize my mom had so much money. 79 00:03:42,500 --> 00:03:43,750 Well, she needs it. 80 00:03:43,833 --> 00:03:46,250 You gotta be either rich or hot. 81 00:03:46,333 --> 00:03:49,791 And we both know Shannon is just softball league hot. 82 00:03:49,875 --> 00:03:51,833 [Barbara] Sweetie, I'm sorry. 83 00:03:51,916 --> 00:03:53,916 I can't be around your father right now. 84 00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:55,583 I just need a couple of days. 85 00:03:55,666 --> 00:03:58,625 Okay. I'll say "hi" to Dad for you. 86 00:03:58,708 --> 00:04:00,750 Please don't. But I love you. 87 00:04:00,833 --> 00:04:02,583 Oh, I'm sorry, Andrew. 88 00:04:02,666 --> 00:04:04,875 But you know what will make you feel much better? 89 00:04:04,958 --> 00:04:06,000 My mom coming home? 90 00:04:06,083 --> 00:04:09,166 Oh no. I meant something that's actually gonna happen. 91 00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:10,541 -[dance music plays] -Uh-oh! 92 00:04:10,625 --> 00:04:13,750 A Montel fashion show. 93 00:04:13,833 --> 00:04:15,416 The suit is by Gucci, 94 00:04:15,500 --> 00:04:17,333 the kicks, Balenciaga, 95 00:04:17,416 --> 00:04:20,583 and of course, the season's hottest accessory, 96 00:04:20,666 --> 00:04:22,750 the Apple Brooch. 97 00:04:22,833 --> 00:04:24,791 Do I look fucking rich or what? 98 00:04:24,875 --> 00:04:28,250 Hold on. You spent $800 on a brooch for a baby? 99 00:04:28,333 --> 00:04:30,666 Well, first of all, Montel's a toddler now. 100 00:04:30,750 --> 00:04:32,500 Hormone monsters age very rapidly. 101 00:04:32,583 --> 00:04:35,000 Oh, so they won't be a baby for the whole season? 102 00:04:35,083 --> 00:04:36,958 -Ugh, God, no. -That's good. 103 00:04:37,041 --> 00:04:39,958 -I hate it when shows add a baby. -Yeah, right? 104 00:04:40,041 --> 00:04:43,041 Okay, but what does a toddler even use an Apple Brooch for? 105 00:04:43,125 --> 00:04:44,583 It's not about using it. 106 00:04:44,666 --> 00:04:47,541 It's about having it, you pear-shaped peasant. 107 00:04:47,625 --> 00:04:51,500 Montel, be nice. His mommy doesn't love him anymore. 108 00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:53,875 Ooh, maybe I should save up and get my own. 109 00:04:53,958 --> 00:04:57,750 I mean, it is allowance day, and I have no concept of money, so... 110 00:04:57,833 --> 00:04:58,791 Allowance? 111 00:04:58,875 --> 00:05:02,541 What have you ever done to deserve one red cent of my green money? 112 00:05:02,625 --> 00:05:04,458 Well, Mom usually just gives me... 113 00:05:04,541 --> 00:05:05,625 Gives!? [laughs] 114 00:05:05,708 --> 00:05:08,208 If you want money from me, you're gonna have to work for it. 115 00:05:08,291 --> 00:05:09,875 -What kind of work? -Sex work? 116 00:05:09,958 --> 00:05:12,750 -Menial labor. Back-breaking chores. -[groans] 117 00:05:12,833 --> 00:05:15,333 -But you'll pay me? -Very, very little. 118 00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:17,333 Now start by scrubbing the bathrooms. 119 00:05:17,416 --> 00:05:19,833 Your mother used to do that, but she abandoned us. 120 00:05:19,916 --> 00:05:21,500 So you're my wife now. 121 00:05:21,583 --> 00:05:25,791 {\an8}Okay, so each hygiene kit gets a toothbrush, check, 122 00:05:25,875 --> 00:05:27,958 a pair of socks, got it, 123 00:05:28,041 --> 00:05:30,625 and a box of collagen, flat-tummy tea? 124 00:05:30,708 --> 00:05:31,750 Yeah. [chuckles] 125 00:05:31,833 --> 00:05:34,083 Pastor Luke is a personal trainer in his free time. 126 00:05:34,166 --> 00:05:35,625 Well, it still feels good to help. 127 00:05:35,708 --> 00:05:37,833 Some people have so little and we have so much. 128 00:05:37,916 --> 00:05:40,416 Oh, please, what do you have? 129 00:05:40,500 --> 00:05:44,458 You don't have Elijah's dick, his ass, or even his tongue in your mouth. 130 00:05:44,541 --> 00:05:46,333 You, my dear, are sex poor. 131 00:05:46,416 --> 00:05:49,500 Mona, you know we decided to take it slow. 132 00:05:49,583 --> 00:05:53,416 We don't want to take it slow. We just want to take it. 133 00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:57,250 I don't know. I think taking our time could actually be sexy. 134 00:05:57,333 --> 00:06:01,291 All the anticipation and sexual tension. 135 00:06:01,375 --> 00:06:04,166 Ooh, like in Bridgerton. 136 00:06:04,250 --> 00:06:06,125 [classical music plays] 137 00:06:07,500 --> 00:06:10,208 My lady, would thee care to do an elaborate dance 138 00:06:10,291 --> 00:06:12,916 that the entire ballroom somehow knows by heart? 139 00:06:13,000 --> 00:06:14,500 Yeah, but not with you. 140 00:06:14,583 --> 00:06:17,416 I heard you're broke as fuck, Prince Fatass. 141 00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:21,416 Miss Foreman-Greenwald, you look so radiant this evening. 142 00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:24,916 It makes me want to ride my horse shirtless through the mist. 143 00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:26,041 [chuckles] Ooh. 144 00:06:26,125 --> 00:06:28,416 You flatter me, Duke Majorhunk. 145 00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:31,791 Have you come to ask me to dance, palm to palm? 146 00:06:31,875 --> 00:06:34,208 Alas, I cannot dance with you. 147 00:06:34,291 --> 00:06:36,500 I'm joining the priesthood in but a fortnight, 148 00:06:36,583 --> 00:06:38,625 and it would be improper. 149 00:06:38,708 --> 00:06:39,666 Oh, of course. 150 00:06:39,750 --> 00:06:43,208 [gasps] Oh, full English breakfast, I dropped my glove. 151 00:06:43,291 --> 00:06:45,458 Oh no, please allow me, my lady. 152 00:06:45,541 --> 00:06:48,750 Lest our fingers touch sensually. 153 00:06:48,833 --> 00:06:53,291 [Missy] Oh yes. Oh, caress my bare hand in an untoward way. 154 00:06:53,375 --> 00:06:56,708 [Elijah] Indeed, so bare, and so untoward. 155 00:06:56,791 --> 00:06:59,666 Holy shit, this is hot. 156 00:06:59,750 --> 00:07:02,500 Quick. Let's go home and rub one out. 157 00:07:02,583 --> 00:07:03,875 Missy, are you okay? 158 00:07:03,958 --> 00:07:06,458 'Cause you closed your eyes and did a pretty elaborate dance. 159 00:07:06,541 --> 00:07:08,541 Yeah. I, um... 160 00:07:09,208 --> 00:07:10,041 Gotta go. 161 00:07:10,750 --> 00:07:12,416 So, Jess, 162 00:07:12,500 --> 00:07:15,000 before you go, I got you a little something. 163 00:07:15,083 --> 00:07:18,000 -Really? -It's an Apple Brooch. Ah! 164 00:07:18,083 --> 00:07:21,583 Wow. Thank you, Mom. This is so... expensive. 165 00:07:21,666 --> 00:07:23,583 Please, don't worry about the price, 166 00:07:23,666 --> 00:07:26,458 which was $800, not including tax. 167 00:07:26,541 --> 00:07:28,833 I just wanted to show you how much I love you. 168 00:07:28,916 --> 00:07:32,916 I don't know, Connie. Am I really an Apple Brooch kind of girl? 169 00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:36,000 Oh, Jessi, brilliant Jessi. Of course, you are. 170 00:07:36,083 --> 00:07:37,875 You're so hip. You're modern. 171 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,000 And look at you. You're on Netflix. 172 00:07:40,083 --> 00:07:42,125 You're streaming in 27 languages. 173 00:07:42,208 --> 00:07:44,041 Oh, obrigada. 174 00:07:44,125 --> 00:07:47,333 Jessi, I have seen my soul in that brooch. 175 00:07:47,416 --> 00:07:50,250 -Yeah. -And it is rich as fuck. 176 00:07:50,333 --> 00:07:54,083 Wow, Mom, thank you. You're... You're, like, the coolest. 177 00:07:54,166 --> 00:07:58,166 Some might even say cooler than Caitlin. Right? 178 00:07:59,750 --> 00:08:02,500 -[all gasp] -What is that? 179 00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:04,291 Jessi got an Apple Brooch. 180 00:08:04,375 --> 00:08:06,958 No shit, Caleb. [weeps] 181 00:08:07,041 --> 00:08:09,750 Oh my God. Is everyone, like, obsessed with me? 182 00:08:09,833 --> 00:08:12,375 {\an8}Yes, of course, they are. I mean, how could they not be? 183 00:08:12,458 --> 00:08:16,458 -Quite the brooch, Jessi. -Ooh, now we know. Jessi's rich. 184 00:08:16,541 --> 00:08:20,375 I'm looking at her boobs, and I'm totally getting away with it. 185 00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:23,583 Holy shit, Jessi. We are hallway royalty. 186 00:08:23,666 --> 00:08:24,916 You're like Meghan Morkle. 187 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,041 Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's Markle. 188 00:08:27,125 --> 00:08:29,750 That's what I said. Meghan Morkle from Soups. 189 00:08:29,833 --> 00:08:31,708 -[Montel] Connie Mommy, Connie Mommy. -Montel. 190 00:08:31,791 --> 00:08:33,458 -Up, up, up. -Wait a minute. 191 00:08:33,541 --> 00:08:35,291 How'd you get an Apple Brooch? 192 00:08:35,375 --> 00:08:37,458 Daddy bought it for me 'cause he loves me. 193 00:08:37,541 --> 00:08:39,333 Maury, this is crazy. 194 00:08:39,416 --> 00:08:42,250 A toddler doesn't need an expensive, high-tech brooch. 195 00:08:42,333 --> 00:08:46,125 Connie, relax. It's just credit cards. It's not real money. 196 00:08:46,208 --> 00:08:47,666 -Hey, Nick. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. 197 00:08:47,750 --> 00:08:49,583 How did you get an Apple Brooch? 198 00:08:49,666 --> 00:08:51,375 Spoils of divorce, Nick. 199 00:08:51,458 --> 00:08:55,916 -Maybe you should break your parents up. -It really is so, so unfair, Nick. 200 00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:58,416 I mean, your mom should just buy you one of me. 201 00:08:58,500 --> 00:09:01,375 Wait. How do you know about my bitch mom? 202 00:09:01,458 --> 00:09:03,666 I know everything. I'm the Apple Brooch. 203 00:09:03,750 --> 00:09:04,916 You sure are. 204 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,125 The ultimate symbol of fuckability. 205 00:09:07,208 --> 00:09:08,333 I must have you. 206 00:09:08,416 --> 00:09:09,250 Yes, Nick. 207 00:09:09,333 --> 00:09:14,000 I'm gonna make you the sexiest little boy in all of Bridgeton. 208 00:09:14,083 --> 00:09:18,500 I'm gonna fuck that brooch if it's the first thing I do. 209 00:09:18,583 --> 00:09:20,083 OMG, you guys. 210 00:09:20,166 --> 00:09:24,333 Lady Pussysqueak says I looked absolutely immaculate 211 00:09:24,416 --> 00:09:25,541 at the ball last night. 212 00:09:25,625 --> 00:09:27,583 I wonder who she is? [chuckles] 213 00:09:27,666 --> 00:09:28,875 -Definitely not me. -[scoffs] 214 00:09:28,958 --> 00:09:30,708 Who cares about Lady Pussysqueak? 215 00:09:30,791 --> 00:09:32,916 Everyone cares deeply. 216 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:36,000 Yet her identity remains very much unknown. 217 00:09:36,083 --> 00:09:38,208 Well, I care about books, 218 00:09:38,291 --> 00:09:41,125 women going to college, and wearing very high collars. 219 00:09:41,208 --> 00:09:45,750 Missy, get it together. Duke Majorhunk is eating custard. 220 00:09:45,833 --> 00:09:49,333 Oh, yeah, he's really going to town on that spoon. 221 00:09:49,416 --> 00:09:51,791 And now he's going after the bowl. 222 00:09:51,875 --> 00:09:53,666 [Missy] Oh, that's so much dairy. 223 00:09:53,750 --> 00:09:55,416 Do you think he's gonna get sick tonight? 224 00:09:55,500 --> 00:09:56,708 Oh, I don't know, 225 00:09:56,791 --> 00:09:59,375 but it looks like he spilled some on the table. 226 00:09:59,458 --> 00:10:02,958 Oh, yeah, eat it, you nasty little termite. 227 00:10:03,041 --> 00:10:04,625 -Ooh. -Good God. 228 00:10:04,708 --> 00:10:08,958 Elijah didn't even have to touch you to send you all the way to Shondaland. 229 00:10:09,041 --> 00:10:11,250 I told you taking it slow could be hot. 230 00:10:11,333 --> 00:10:12,500 Damn right. 231 00:10:12,583 --> 00:10:17,000 So, Missy, who do you think Lady Pussysqueak really is? 232 00:10:17,083 --> 00:10:18,458 It's... It's totally Lola. 233 00:10:18,541 --> 00:10:20,000 No, no, no, no. Keep wanking. 234 00:10:20,083 --> 00:10:22,375 We need to go back and investigate. 235 00:10:22,458 --> 00:10:23,750 All right. 236 00:10:23,833 --> 00:10:25,083 Ooh! Ooh! 237 00:10:26,208 --> 00:10:28,166 Hey, Dad. How you holding up? 238 00:10:28,250 --> 00:10:31,208 Not good, Nicky. Your grandpa won't stop eating asparagus. 239 00:10:31,291 --> 00:10:33,458 Yeah, it's been stressful for all of us. 240 00:10:33,541 --> 00:10:37,083 I'm actually a little bit worried that my self-esteem is suffering. 241 00:10:37,166 --> 00:10:38,833 [gasps] Your self-esteem? 242 00:10:38,916 --> 00:10:41,791 Yeah, and Jessi got an Apple Brooch at school, 243 00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:44,791 and she made me feel like... like I don't have one. 244 00:10:44,875 --> 00:10:45,791 Oh no. 245 00:10:45,875 --> 00:10:47,708 But no. You know what? Mom is right. 246 00:10:47,791 --> 00:10:50,083 I don't deserve it. I'm a bad boy. 247 00:10:50,166 --> 00:10:51,541 Nicky, bite your tongue. 248 00:10:51,625 --> 00:10:54,666 I'm gutter trash. I stink. Pee-yew, you know? 249 00:10:54,750 --> 00:10:56,916 You stop that. You smell lovely. 250 00:10:57,000 --> 00:11:00,208 Now here, take my credit card and go buy yourself an Apple Brooch. 251 00:11:00,291 --> 00:11:01,708 But, Dad, what about Mom? 252 00:11:01,791 --> 00:11:04,916 I mean, we'd have to keep this a secret from her as long as we live, right? 253 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,625 Yes. I'll just do what I do with all my secrets. 254 00:11:07,708 --> 00:11:10,583 Whisper it into the open body cavity of one of my patients 255 00:11:10,666 --> 00:11:12,583 and then sew it right back up. 256 00:11:13,208 --> 00:11:14,458 [Marty] All right, Andrew. 257 00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:17,833 I used to hear scratching, but now there's just a terrible odor. 258 00:11:17,916 --> 00:11:19,750 So whatever's under there must be dead. 259 00:11:19,833 --> 00:11:23,250 And you're sure you don't wanna call a professional exterminator? 260 00:11:23,333 --> 00:11:25,041 Hey, you want the three bucks or not? 261 00:11:25,125 --> 00:11:27,833 I don't know about this, Maury. It looks pretty scary under there. 262 00:11:27,916 --> 00:11:29,916 But if you're ever gonna afford nice things, 263 00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,958 you need to degrade yourself with back-breaking labor. 264 00:11:33,041 --> 00:11:34,708 That's capitalism. 265 00:11:34,791 --> 00:11:38,583 Uh... Okay, Dad? I'm not seeing anything. 266 00:11:38,666 --> 00:11:40,458 It does smell pretty bad. 267 00:11:40,541 --> 00:11:43,541 [Marty] You're not getting paid unless you bring me a corpse. 268 00:11:43,625 --> 00:11:44,875 Ugh, wait! Wait a second. 269 00:11:44,958 --> 00:11:46,250 I see something. 270 00:11:46,333 --> 00:11:48,250 Yep, it's a dead possum. 271 00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:51,000 Yeah, it reeks pretty bad. Must've been down here for a... 272 00:11:51,083 --> 00:11:52,041 [hisses] 273 00:11:52,125 --> 00:11:53,375 [screams] It's alive. 274 00:11:53,458 --> 00:11:54,833 It just smells dead. 275 00:11:54,916 --> 00:11:57,333 [screams] It's scratching my face. 276 00:11:57,416 --> 00:11:58,750 Oh no, it got into my shirt. 277 00:11:58,833 --> 00:12:01,250 Ooh, the possum has the upper hand. 278 00:12:01,333 --> 00:12:03,333 It's the possum's shirt now. 279 00:12:03,416 --> 00:12:06,000 All right, whoever wins is my true son. 280 00:12:06,083 --> 00:12:08,375 -I'll see one of you at dinner. -[Andrew screams] 281 00:12:08,958 --> 00:12:11,416 So, the bananas were in the crate labeled avocados. 282 00:12:11,500 --> 00:12:14,416 And I was like, "I have a feeling I know where the avocados are." 283 00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:17,083 And I'm sorry, you said you thought this could be a movie? 284 00:12:17,166 --> 00:12:19,958 Whoa, rad tech alert. Is that the new Apple Brooch? 285 00:12:20,041 --> 00:12:21,458 -Pretty sweet, right? -Totally. 286 00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:23,625 Oh my God, Caitlin, you should get one. 287 00:12:23,708 --> 00:12:26,375 Yeah. I don't think that's exactly within our budget. 288 00:12:26,458 --> 00:12:28,250 Oh man, I'm sorry. Of course. 289 00:12:28,333 --> 00:12:33,750 I forgot you guys were poor...ly funded in the money department? 290 00:12:33,833 --> 00:12:35,000 No worries, no worries. 291 00:12:35,083 --> 00:12:38,583 For you, I mean. We actually do worry about money a lot. 292 00:12:38,666 --> 00:12:42,000 [scoffs] Why did I say that? I sound like such a spoiled brat. 293 00:12:42,083 --> 00:12:43,500 Oh, no, Jessi, Jessi. 294 00:12:43,583 --> 00:12:45,750 Sweet, intelligent, wealthy Jessi. 295 00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:49,625 You're just better than other people because you have me. 296 00:12:49,708 --> 00:12:50,958 Oh, I know. 297 00:12:51,041 --> 00:12:54,750 Let's order Nobu to our room and not share. 298 00:12:54,833 --> 00:12:56,916 Ooh, I hate how good that sounds. 299 00:12:57,000 --> 00:12:58,416 Rock shrimp. 300 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,041 Wow, the Apple Store. 301 00:13:01,125 --> 00:13:03,333 You know, Steve Jobs was a psychotic, 302 00:13:03,416 --> 00:13:06,583 but if screaming at everybody built this, I applaud him. 303 00:13:06,666 --> 00:13:09,416 Hello? Excuse me? Child with a credit card. 304 00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:11,458 Hey. Mr. Birch, welcome back. 305 00:13:11,541 --> 00:13:14,666 Yum, yum, yum. Look at all these innovative products 306 00:13:14,750 --> 00:13:18,250 that do roughly the same thing but in different shapes and sizes. 307 00:13:18,333 --> 00:13:21,291 Ooh, but, Andrew, I'm the hot new status symbol. 308 00:13:21,375 --> 00:13:23,708 Think of your status. Don't you want status? Status... 309 00:13:23,791 --> 00:13:25,416 Oh, I need you, Brooch. 310 00:13:25,500 --> 00:13:27,958 Without you, I'm just a got-nothing hillbilly. 311 00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:31,791 Oh yeah, baby. And imagine walking around with me pinned to your shirt. 312 00:13:31,875 --> 00:13:35,875 Nobody will make direct eye contact with you ever, ever again. 313 00:13:35,958 --> 00:13:38,791 'Cause they're all gonna be staring at your chest, baby. 314 00:13:38,875 --> 00:13:41,625 I'll finally know what it feels like to be a woman. 315 00:13:41,708 --> 00:13:43,791 Andrew, uh, do you have $10,000? 316 00:13:43,875 --> 00:13:47,666 I have $4 and a loose Listerine strip. 317 00:13:47,750 --> 00:13:50,291 Oh God, I tried to buy an extra Lightning cable, 318 00:13:50,375 --> 00:13:51,916 and they cut up all my credit cards. 319 00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:54,916 Apparently, I owe all these companies actual money. 320 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:56,291 Hey, Andrew, what do you think? 321 00:13:56,375 --> 00:13:58,958 Do I look like the absolute height of fuckability? 322 00:13:59,041 --> 00:14:00,958 Ah, shit, he does. 323 00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:04,000 That cocky little fuckable bastard. 324 00:14:04,083 --> 00:14:05,000 Hey. 325 00:14:05,083 --> 00:14:08,958 {\an8}Great work this week, Missy. You've really made Jesus proud. 326 00:14:09,041 --> 00:14:11,708 Well, Jesus better watch out, because that's {\an8}my girl. 327 00:14:11,791 --> 00:14:16,083 [chuckles] Yeah, watch out, JC. Elijah'll mess you up. 328 00:14:16,166 --> 00:14:18,000 I'm just kidding. You have free will. 329 00:14:18,083 --> 00:14:20,666 If you really wanted to get with Jesus, I don't own you, girl. 330 00:14:20,750 --> 00:14:23,208 Aw, that's really respectful of my autonomy. 331 00:14:23,291 --> 00:14:25,166 Yeah, yeah. But should we go home 332 00:14:25,250 --> 00:14:28,875 and think of new surfaces for Duke Majorhunk to lick? 333 00:14:28,958 --> 00:14:29,958 Okay, gang. 334 00:14:30,041 --> 00:14:34,208 Today was a great example of idle hands doing God's work 335 00:14:34,291 --> 00:14:36,583 instead of the devil's work. 336 00:14:36,666 --> 00:14:38,208 So before we leave, 337 00:14:38,291 --> 00:14:41,458 let's all sing the "Don't Touch Your Flower" song. 338 00:14:41,541 --> 00:14:43,125 Oh, I don't think I know that one. 339 00:14:43,208 --> 00:14:46,500 ♪ Don't touch your flower ♪ 340 00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:50,083 ♪ Don't touch your flower ♪ 341 00:14:50,166 --> 00:14:53,666 ♪ Never, ever spill your seed... ♪ 342 00:14:53,750 --> 00:14:56,083 I'm so sorry. What is this song about? 343 00:14:56,166 --> 00:14:57,291 It doesn't even rhyme. 344 00:14:57,375 --> 00:15:00,750 Oh, it's about how you should never travel alone 345 00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:02,458 to the southern hemisphere. 346 00:15:02,541 --> 00:15:03,583 Because of Zika? 347 00:15:03,666 --> 00:15:08,916 No, it's about how you shouldn't, uh, you know, touch yourself? 348 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:12,708 Oh, oh, right. Of course. Because of Zika? 349 00:15:12,791 --> 00:15:16,291 Well, no, because it's... it's a sin, right? 350 00:15:16,375 --> 00:15:18,833 I mean, it's the exact opposite of self-control. 351 00:15:18,916 --> 00:15:21,708 Oh. Right. Duh. Self-control. 352 00:15:21,791 --> 00:15:24,250 Mona, am I an out-of-control masturbator? 353 00:15:24,333 --> 00:15:28,083 Absolutely. It's the only thing I like about you. 354 00:15:28,166 --> 00:15:29,000 [sighs] 355 00:15:30,041 --> 00:15:32,166 [sighs] Stop right there. 356 00:15:32,250 --> 00:15:34,500 I know what's in your twisted red-headed noggin, 357 00:15:34,583 --> 00:15:37,041 and you cannot give away that brooch. 358 00:15:37,125 --> 00:15:40,583 But I don't want it anymore. It feels weird to me. 359 00:15:40,666 --> 00:15:42,958 And I don't need material things to be cool. 360 00:15:43,041 --> 00:15:46,041 Oh, baby, you're not hot enough to say stuff like that. 361 00:15:46,125 --> 00:15:48,500 Hey, Caitlin, I've been thinking about it, 362 00:15:48,583 --> 00:15:51,458 and I really want you to have my Apple Brooch. 363 00:15:51,541 --> 00:15:54,875 Oh, wow, Jessi, that is so sweet of you, 364 00:15:54,958 --> 00:15:56,875 but you know I can't accept this. 365 00:15:56,958 --> 00:15:59,208 What if you just borrowed it until the baby comes? 366 00:15:59,291 --> 00:16:01,375 You could use it to time your contractions. 367 00:16:01,458 --> 00:16:03,375 You could even watch that show on Paramount Plus 368 00:16:03,458 --> 00:16:05,166 about the wheel of cheese who's a lawyer. 369 00:16:05,250 --> 00:16:07,125 -Oh, my God, The Gouda Wife? -Yeah. 370 00:16:07,208 --> 00:16:10,125 Oh, Caitlin, you're so much more than a cheese girl. 371 00:16:10,208 --> 00:16:13,291 You are a Dairy Queen, my darling. 372 00:16:13,375 --> 00:16:15,166 And you deserve me. 373 00:16:15,250 --> 00:16:17,750 Okay. But just to borrow. 374 00:16:17,833 --> 00:16:22,375 [sighs] Well, Jessi, you were cool for about, mm, 18 hours? 375 00:16:22,458 --> 00:16:25,291 I guess we're gonna go read a fucking book now. 376 00:16:26,375 --> 00:16:27,375 [dings] 377 00:16:27,458 --> 00:16:28,583 Hey, Rick, check it out. 378 00:16:28,666 --> 00:16:30,875 I just ordered a pretzel on my Apple Brooch. 379 00:16:30,958 --> 00:16:35,000 Wow, so many apps. Can I please fucks it now? 380 00:16:35,083 --> 00:16:37,541 Rick, it's never gonna happen. The brooch is out of your league. 381 00:16:37,625 --> 00:16:38,916 Yeah, I know. 382 00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,291 Hey, Andrew, you want a pretzel? 383 00:16:40,375 --> 00:16:44,208 Nick, I can't afford braided bread with salt on it. I'm destitute. 384 00:16:44,291 --> 00:16:47,458 Well, just give me what you have, and I'll put the rest on my Brooch bucks. 385 00:16:47,541 --> 00:16:48,500 Oh, um... 386 00:16:48,583 --> 00:16:51,125 Okay. You don't want the Listerine strip, do you? 387 00:16:51,208 --> 00:16:52,666 No, I'll take it. 388 00:16:52,750 --> 00:16:56,416 If you ask me, Nick, you know what he is? He's a spoiled brat. 389 00:16:56,500 --> 00:16:57,916 -Yeah. -And you know what you are? 390 00:16:58,000 --> 00:16:59,666 A working-class hero. 391 00:16:59,750 --> 00:17:01,666 I am New Jersey strong. 392 00:17:01,750 --> 00:17:04,833 And you deserve me so much more than he does. 393 00:17:04,916 --> 00:17:07,333 Yes, you should be mine. 394 00:17:07,416 --> 00:17:09,500 You shall be mine. 395 00:17:09,583 --> 00:17:11,458 [laughs evilly] 396 00:17:11,541 --> 00:17:12,500 Yeah. 397 00:17:12,583 --> 00:17:13,666 [Mona] Okay, Missy. 398 00:17:13,750 --> 00:17:17,541 If jerking off were a sin, why would God make it feel so good? 399 00:17:17,625 --> 00:17:20,125 Well, it does feel hecking good. 400 00:17:20,208 --> 00:17:23,291 And you're already right here in your wanking chamber. 401 00:17:23,375 --> 00:17:24,541 Do you mean my bedroom? 402 00:17:24,625 --> 00:17:25,833 I didn't want to do this, 403 00:17:25,916 --> 00:17:29,166 but if you don't touch yourself, they'll revoke my work visa. 404 00:17:29,250 --> 00:17:30,125 Oh my gosh. 405 00:17:30,208 --> 00:17:34,708 So please, Missy, go digging in your garden... for me. 406 00:17:34,791 --> 00:17:38,208 Okay. For your work visa. 407 00:17:38,291 --> 00:17:39,708 [classical music plays] 408 00:17:40,500 --> 00:17:43,958 Oh, Duke Majorhunk. What are you doing here? 409 00:17:44,041 --> 00:17:46,250 Just licking some flowers. 410 00:17:46,333 --> 00:17:47,375 -Mm. -[Missy] Ooh. 411 00:17:47,458 --> 00:17:49,958 But I thought we weren't even supposed to touch flowers. 412 00:17:50,041 --> 00:17:51,750 I can't help myself. 413 00:17:51,833 --> 00:17:55,250 I have but one night until I take my priestly vows, 414 00:17:55,333 --> 00:17:57,083 and I wish to spend it with you. 415 00:17:57,166 --> 00:17:59,416 Good Duke, I ain't mad at that. 416 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,666 -[Missy] Mm. -[Lola] Gasp. 417 00:18:01,750 --> 00:18:03,500 Absolutely scandalous. 418 00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:07,458 Everyone's gonna know about this, or my name isn't Lady Pussysqueak, 419 00:18:07,541 --> 00:18:08,375 which it isn't. 420 00:18:08,458 --> 00:18:09,625 -[squeaking] -That wasn't me. 421 00:18:11,083 --> 00:18:13,333 -No, I'm... I'm sorry. I can't do this. -Oh! 422 00:18:13,416 --> 00:18:15,125 It's a sin against God. 423 00:18:15,208 --> 00:18:18,958 Uh, oh, maybe if you just licked the flowers again? 424 00:18:19,041 --> 00:18:21,041 No, it's all been ruined. 425 00:18:21,125 --> 00:18:22,791 You ruined it. 426 00:18:22,875 --> 00:18:24,291 I must make haste. 427 00:18:24,375 --> 00:18:25,625 No, no haste. 428 00:18:25,708 --> 00:18:26,666 Make stay. 429 00:18:26,750 --> 00:18:28,166 Make stay. 430 00:18:28,250 --> 00:18:29,333 What the fuck was that? 431 00:18:29,416 --> 00:18:32,875 I'm sorry, Mona, but I just can't masturbate anymore. 432 00:18:32,958 --> 00:18:36,125 But we still don't know who Lady Pussysqueak is. 433 00:18:36,208 --> 00:18:39,583 -It's Lola. It's obviously Lola. -Mm. 434 00:18:39,666 --> 00:18:40,916 -[bell rings] -[Jay] Shit, Nick. 435 00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:42,541 You got the Apple Brooch? 436 00:18:42,625 --> 00:18:45,333 Oh, and I see you kinda got one too? 437 00:18:45,416 --> 00:18:46,375 Oh no. 438 00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:49,625 Mine's a first-generation iPod shuffle that I found at a thrift store. 439 00:18:49,708 --> 00:18:51,041 Glued it to my shirt. [chuckles] 440 00:18:51,125 --> 00:18:54,375 A Venmo request from Nick for $8? What the fuck is this? 441 00:18:54,458 --> 00:18:57,291 Eight dollars? But we have nothing. 442 00:18:57,375 --> 00:18:59,916 Hey, hey, Bernie Madoff. What's this request for? 443 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,083 Oh, the pretzel? You know, from the mall. 444 00:19:02,166 --> 00:19:04,000 -No rush. -I thought you were paying for them. 445 00:19:04,083 --> 00:19:07,458 Why would I buy my friend a pretzel? I'm not, like, trying to fuck you. 446 00:19:07,541 --> 00:19:09,083 It's not even your money. 447 00:19:09,166 --> 00:19:11,750 It's your dad's credit card. It's inherited wealth. 448 00:19:11,833 --> 00:19:16,083 So, wait. Because my family has money, I should buy things for you? 449 00:19:16,166 --> 00:19:18,083 Yes. Subsidize me, Nick. 450 00:19:18,166 --> 00:19:19,750 Yeah, yeah. You gotta earn it yourself. 451 00:19:19,833 --> 00:19:22,916 Pull yourself up. Grab the, you know, the bootstraps or whatever, all right? 452 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:25,666 -I gotta go. -I was attacked by a possum. 453 00:19:25,750 --> 00:19:27,291 Underneath a house. 454 00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:29,250 [screams] 455 00:19:29,333 --> 00:19:33,083 Look at him absolutely rimming that spoon, Missy. 456 00:19:33,166 --> 00:19:34,083 Mona, please. 457 00:19:34,166 --> 00:19:35,125 That could be you, 458 00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:39,375 getting bathed by his tongue like a dirty little kitty cat. 459 00:19:39,458 --> 00:19:40,833 -[snarls] -Oh! 460 00:19:40,916 --> 00:19:43,166 Would you just eat like a normal person? 461 00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,208 -Missy, are you okay? -Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, man. 462 00:19:45,291 --> 00:19:48,166 -You were really working that spoon. -I could eat it with my fingers. 463 00:19:48,250 --> 00:19:51,291 No, that's even worse. You might as well smear it all over your chest. 464 00:19:51,375 --> 00:19:52,833 What is going on? 465 00:19:52,916 --> 00:19:54,625 I'm a sinner, okay? 466 00:19:54,708 --> 00:19:58,666 I... I tended my garden. I tended it hard, Elijah. 467 00:19:58,750 --> 00:20:01,750 I tilled the soil. I rotated the crops. 468 00:20:01,833 --> 00:20:04,208 -I dug deep with my hoe. -Oh. 469 00:20:04,291 --> 00:20:07,000 And now that you know I'm such a constant gardener, 470 00:20:07,083 --> 00:20:09,166 you probably don't even wanna hang out with me anymore. 471 00:20:09,250 --> 00:20:12,291 Just to make it clear, we're not talking about gardening, right? 472 00:20:12,375 --> 00:20:15,750 No. I'm an out-of-control masturbator. 473 00:20:15,833 --> 00:20:19,791 How do you do it, Elijah? You know, keep your seed in your bag? 474 00:20:19,875 --> 00:20:21,875 I don't know. I just do. 475 00:20:21,958 --> 00:20:24,208 It's not hard for me. Does that make me weird? 476 00:20:24,291 --> 00:20:26,083 No. Why would you think that? 477 00:20:26,166 --> 00:20:29,500 Well, it just feels like everybody around here is obsessed with gardening. 478 00:20:29,583 --> 00:20:31,875 I mean, what am I even doing on this show? 479 00:20:31,958 --> 00:20:35,541 Well, I don't know, but I'm glad you're here. 480 00:20:35,625 --> 00:20:37,583 And I don't think you're weird at all. 481 00:20:37,666 --> 00:20:41,750 You're perfect and wonderful, exactly the way God made you. 482 00:20:41,833 --> 00:20:43,625 Okay. So by that logic, 483 00:20:44,125 --> 00:20:48,208 you're also perfect and wonderful, exactly the way God made you. 484 00:20:48,291 --> 00:20:50,458 [giggles] Elijah. 485 00:20:50,541 --> 00:20:54,000 And I certainly won't judge you for having a... green thumb. 486 00:20:54,083 --> 00:20:57,875 Oh, um, I don't really use my thumb a lot just 'cause, like, the angle's kind of... 487 00:20:57,958 --> 00:21:00,166 Honestly... You know what, actually? Thank you. 488 00:21:00,250 --> 00:21:02,916 Holy shit, Missy, is he saying it's okay to masturbate? 489 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,458 I think he is. 490 00:21:04,541 --> 00:21:09,291 Great, because I have ideas on how we can incorporate your thumb. 491 00:21:09,375 --> 00:21:12,000 Uh, I, uh... I gotta go. 492 00:21:12,541 --> 00:21:14,291 [sinister music plays] 493 00:21:15,625 --> 00:21:16,625 [Andrew] Hey, kid. 494 00:21:16,708 --> 00:21:19,083 We don't know each other. Give me the brooch. 495 00:21:19,166 --> 00:21:21,500 Ah! Andrew, what the fuck are you doing? 496 00:21:21,583 --> 00:21:23,666 Give him the fucking brooch. 497 00:21:23,750 --> 00:21:24,666 Fuck yeah. 498 00:21:24,750 --> 00:21:27,041 Just hand it over, you fat-lipped fuck. 499 00:21:27,125 --> 00:21:30,083 Andrew, buddy. Let's just relax, okay? 500 00:21:30,166 --> 00:21:32,708 Easy for you to say, rich boy. 501 00:21:32,791 --> 00:21:34,791 You got a brooch. You got a pool. 502 00:21:34,875 --> 00:21:37,583 -You got a hot mom that didn't leave. -Ew. 503 00:21:37,666 --> 00:21:39,708 Just give me the fucking brooch. 504 00:21:39,791 --> 00:21:42,708 Jesus, keep it down. My mom can't know about it. 505 00:21:42,791 --> 00:21:44,375 -Kill him. -Hyah! 506 00:21:44,458 --> 00:21:46,083 Holy shit. 507 00:21:46,166 --> 00:21:47,416 [grunting] 508 00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:49,375 Yes, yes. Fight over me. 509 00:21:49,458 --> 00:21:53,041 This is capitalism. You reap what you sow. 510 00:21:53,125 --> 00:21:55,916 Quick, Montel, raid the closet. Take everything. 511 00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:57,958 Nah, this guy dresses like shit. 512 00:21:58,041 --> 00:21:59,916 Rick, help. What the hell are you doing? 513 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:00,958 Fuck you, man. 514 00:22:01,041 --> 00:22:05,583 Opportunity knocked, and I answered, baby. Hello, it's me, Rick. What's happening? 515 00:22:05,666 --> 00:22:07,291 What the heck is going on up here? 516 00:22:07,375 --> 00:22:10,083 Daddy, he's trying to steal my Apple Brooch. 517 00:22:10,166 --> 00:22:11,000 What brooch? 518 00:22:11,083 --> 00:22:13,041 -Oh shit. -Ooh, I'm in trouble. 519 00:22:13,125 --> 00:22:15,083 Sorry, Nick, you're on your own. 520 00:22:15,166 --> 00:22:16,041 [chuckles] 521 00:22:16,125 --> 00:22:16,958 [grunts] 522 00:22:17,041 --> 00:22:20,166 Okay, window. You got me. 523 00:22:20,250 --> 00:22:22,333 Hey, honey, can we get outta here? 524 00:22:22,416 --> 00:22:24,625 This apartment reminds me of my twenties. 525 00:22:24,708 --> 00:22:26,166 Yep. Let me just grab my bag. 526 00:22:26,250 --> 00:22:28,958 -Oh, and don't forget your Apple Brooch. -Oh. 527 00:22:29,041 --> 00:22:30,000 Hey, Shannon. what's up? 528 00:22:30,083 --> 00:22:32,791 I was about to crack open a coconut. Do you want some meat or milk? 529 00:22:32,875 --> 00:22:34,166 No, I'm good. 530 00:22:34,250 --> 00:22:37,416 Did you, uh... Did you get an Apple Brooch too? 531 00:22:37,500 --> 00:22:39,166 -Oh shit. -Um, no. 532 00:22:39,250 --> 00:22:40,625 Jessi just let me borrow hers. 533 00:22:40,708 --> 00:22:42,333 Just until the baby comes. 534 00:22:42,416 --> 00:22:44,458 Oh, great. You gave it to Caitlin. 535 00:22:44,541 --> 00:22:47,333 It's almost like I bought it for her. 536 00:22:47,416 --> 00:22:49,791 -You know what? It's my bad. -Don't give it to me. 537 00:22:49,875 --> 00:22:51,791 -I shouldn't have taken it. -It's Jessi's. 538 00:22:51,875 --> 00:22:53,750 If it's mine, then I want Caitlin to have it. 539 00:22:53,833 --> 00:22:57,708 -No! -I bought it for you, Jessi. It's yours. 540 00:22:57,791 --> 00:22:59,208 Well, I don't want it anymore. 541 00:22:59,291 --> 00:23:02,833 -Maybe the coconut should have it? -I'll take it if coconut doesn't want it. 542 00:23:02,916 --> 00:23:05,500 It's Jessi's! The brooch is Jessi's! 543 00:23:05,583 --> 00:23:07,500 I bought it for her, okay? 544 00:23:07,583 --> 00:23:12,000 Not for you, not for you, and certainly not for the coconut! 545 00:23:12,083 --> 00:23:14,416 Mom, why are you freaking out? 546 00:23:14,500 --> 00:23:18,375 Because I... I wanted to watch The Bachelor with you. 547 00:23:18,458 --> 00:23:20,000 That was our thing. 548 00:23:20,083 --> 00:23:21,416 We talk shit about the women, 549 00:23:21,500 --> 00:23:25,000 and then worry it isn't feminist of us to talk shit about the women. 550 00:23:25,083 --> 00:23:26,083 -Oh. -Damn. 551 00:23:26,166 --> 00:23:28,916 I hate it when your mom has feelings like a person. 552 00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:30,916 Ugh, that fucking brooch. 553 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,375 I'm so sorry. I never meant to steal your thing. 554 00:23:34,458 --> 00:23:36,125 I'm really sorry too, Mom. 555 00:23:36,208 --> 00:23:38,750 I didn't realize you were giving me the brooch 556 00:23:38,833 --> 00:23:42,250 -so I'd want to hang out with you more. -No, that's... That's not... 557 00:23:42,333 --> 00:23:45,166 What I mean is, I love you. 558 00:23:45,250 --> 00:23:47,666 And I wanna hang out with you no matter what. 559 00:23:47,750 --> 00:23:48,916 Wow, Jessi. 560 00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:53,125 That is so sweet of you to lie to your mom. 561 00:23:53,208 --> 00:23:55,791 You know what? You should keep the brooch, Caitlin. 562 00:23:55,875 --> 00:23:57,833 It's just a thing. It's not love. 563 00:23:57,916 --> 00:24:01,625 Oh, Shannon, you magnificent lady boss. 564 00:24:01,708 --> 00:24:05,083 If anybody deserves an Apple Brooch, oh, baby, it's you. 565 00:24:05,166 --> 00:24:09,333 Yeah. I'll get one in rose gold so it's nicer than Caitlin's. 566 00:24:09,416 --> 00:24:10,333 [Apple Brooch] Yes. 567 00:24:10,416 --> 00:24:11,500 [laughs evilly] 568 00:24:11,583 --> 00:24:15,541 Andrew, you do not come into my house and rob my family. 569 00:24:15,625 --> 00:24:18,333 I'm sorry. Capitalism got the best of me. 570 00:24:18,416 --> 00:24:19,750 -And, Elliot. -Ooh. 571 00:24:19,833 --> 00:24:22,291 You don't give the kids secret credit cards 572 00:24:22,375 --> 00:24:24,125 and undermine my parenting. 573 00:24:24,208 --> 00:24:26,750 I could watch you lay down the law all day. 574 00:24:26,833 --> 00:24:27,958 And, Nick. 575 00:24:28,041 --> 00:24:29,750 You get everything you want 576 00:24:29,833 --> 00:24:32,541 and don't appreciate the value of anything. 577 00:24:32,625 --> 00:24:35,208 -You're right. And I've learned my lesson. -[Diane] Oh no. 578 00:24:35,291 --> 00:24:38,333 You're not getting off that easy. You're getting a job. 579 00:24:38,416 --> 00:24:40,458 Ah! You should be a vampire hunter! 580 00:24:40,541 --> 00:24:44,958 You're Grandpa's new piss boy, in charge of emptying his cans. 581 00:24:45,041 --> 00:24:48,541 I've already got a nice bloody one for ya, laddie. 582 00:24:48,625 --> 00:24:50,875 Hey, Andrew, uh, care to make a few bucks? 583 00:24:50,958 --> 00:24:52,833 You want me to clean your poppy's piss? 584 00:24:52,916 --> 00:24:55,166 Ten dollars a can, and I'll wipe you pretzel debt. 585 00:24:55,250 --> 00:24:56,500 Let me see the money first. 586 00:24:56,583 --> 00:24:59,208 Aha! Do svidaniya, bitch. 587 00:24:59,291 --> 00:25:00,583 [grunts] 588 00:25:00,666 --> 00:25:01,500 Like a bird. 589 00:25:02,083 --> 00:25:03,250 [Lola] Dearest reader. 590 00:25:03,333 --> 00:25:07,291 Word on the horse-shit-covered street is the good Reverend Elijah 591 00:25:07,375 --> 00:25:11,416 still holds high regard for Lady Foreman-Greenwald. 592 00:25:11,500 --> 00:25:16,458 And tragically, Prince Fatass has fallen precipitously in rank, 593 00:25:16,541 --> 00:25:20,666 and is now known as the Baron of Hot-Yellow-Piss. 594 00:25:20,750 --> 00:25:24,791 But to answer the most burning question of the social season, 595 00:25:24,875 --> 00:25:31,000 yes, Lord Rick did finally consummate his courtship with the Apple Brooch. 596 00:25:31,083 --> 00:25:35,416 Oh, Rick, you incredible sex beast, that was amazing. 597 00:25:35,500 --> 00:25:39,041 If only Steve Jobs was alive to see this, 598 00:25:39,125 --> 00:25:42,541 he'd be so proud of how far everything has come. 599 00:25:42,625 --> 00:25:44,416 And how far I just came. 600 00:25:44,500 --> 00:25:47,458 I shot like a fucking rocket, man. [giggles] 601 00:25:47,541 --> 00:25:48,875 -♪ I was born to flex ♪ -♪ Yes ♪ 602 00:25:48,958 --> 00:25:50,250 ♪ Diamonds on my neck ♪ 603 00:25:50,333 --> 00:25:52,458 ♪ I like boarding jets I like morning sex ♪ 604 00:25:52,541 --> 00:25:55,083 ♪ But nothing in this world That I like more than checks ♪ 605 00:25:55,166 --> 00:25:56,000 ♪ Money ♪ 606 00:25:56,083 --> 00:25:57,875 -♪ All I really wanna see is the... ♪ -♪ Money ♪ 607 00:25:57,958 --> 00:25:59,750 -♪ I don't really need D, I need the... ♪ -♪ Money ♪ 608 00:25:59,833 --> 00:26:01,791 -♪ All a bad bitch need is the... ♪ -♪ Money, whoa ♪ 609 00:26:01,875 --> 00:26:04,083 -♪ I got bands in the coupe ♪ -♪ Coupe ♪ 610 00:26:04,166 --> 00:26:05,500 ♪ Busting out the roof ♪ 611 00:26:05,583 --> 00:26:07,791 -♪ I got bands in the coupe ♪ -♪ Coupe ♪ 612 00:26:07,875 --> 00:26:09,125 ♪ Touch me, I'll shoot ♪ 613 00:26:09,208 --> 00:26:11,041 -♪ Bow, shake a little ass ♪ -♪ Money ♪ 614 00:26:11,125 --> 00:26:13,333 ♪ Get a little bag And take it to the store ♪ 615 00:26:13,416 --> 00:26:14,666 -♪ Get a little cash ♪ -♪ Money ♪ 616 00:26:14,750 --> 00:26:16,583 ♪ You shake it real fast You get a little more ♪ 617 00:26:16,666 --> 00:26:18,875 -♪ I got bands in the coupe ♪ -♪ Coupe ♪ 618 00:26:18,958 --> 00:26:20,250 ♪ Busting out the roof ♪ 619 00:26:20,333 --> 00:26:22,500 -♪ I got bands in the coupe ♪ -[trills] 620 00:26:22,583 --> 00:26:23,958 ♪ Busting out the roof ♪ 621 00:26:24,041 --> 00:26:26,208 ♪ I gotta fly, I need a jet, shit ♪ 622 00:26:26,291 --> 00:26:27,625 ♪ I need room for my legs ♪ 623 00:26:27,708 --> 00:26:29,958 -♪ I got a baby, I need some money ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪ 624 00:26:30,041 --> 00:26:31,291 ♪ I need cheese for my egg ♪ 625 00:26:31,375 --> 00:26:33,958 ♪ All y'all bitches in trouble Bring brass knuckles to the scuffle ♪