1 00:00:07,916 --> 00:00:08,958 [keypad clicking] 2 00:00:09,041 --> 00:00:11,000 Oh, come on, answer. 3 00:00:11,083 --> 00:00:12,583 Jesus. What's wrong with you? 4 00:00:12,666 --> 00:00:15,916 I've been texting Bernie non-stop all morning. 5 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:17,250 Oh, like a true psycho. 6 00:00:17,333 --> 00:00:18,250 Exactly. 7 00:00:18,333 --> 00:00:20,250 And she hasn't responded once 8 00:00:20,333 --> 00:00:23,083 because she's hanging out with her friend Alison. 9 00:00:23,166 --> 00:00:24,750 Okay. So, what's the big deal? 10 00:00:24,833 --> 00:00:26,708 Alison's a boy, Nick. 11 00:00:26,791 --> 00:00:28,458 A boy named Alison 12 00:00:28,541 --> 00:00:30,333 hanging out with a girl named Bernie. 13 00:00:30,416 --> 00:00:34,291 Up is down, left is right. Soup is salad. 14 00:00:34,375 --> 00:00:37,041 [Nick] Ooh, yeah, and Alison's hot. 15 00:00:37,125 --> 00:00:38,750 Like, way hotter than you. 16 00:00:38,833 --> 00:00:42,500 That gorgeous specimen is probably wooing Bernie right now. 17 00:00:42,583 --> 00:00:44,833 Oh! That's why she hasn't texted you back. 18 00:00:44,916 --> 00:00:46,666 Oh God. You're right. 19 00:00:46,750 --> 00:00:48,000 I'm gonna text her again. 20 00:00:48,083 --> 00:00:51,041 911, FaceTime emergency, all caps. 21 00:00:51,958 --> 00:00:53,833 Hey, I'm at the movies. What's wrong? 22 00:00:53,916 --> 00:00:56,333 Hey, Andrew. I've heard so much about you, man. 23 00:00:56,416 --> 00:01:00,416 Fuck you, Alison. We will cave in your fucking face! 24 00:01:00,500 --> 00:01:02,333 Oh shit, my Red Hots. 25 00:01:02,416 --> 00:01:05,708 Dear God, Andrew. His ass is magnificent. 26 00:01:05,791 --> 00:01:08,291 -Hold my hand while I weep. -What? No. 27 00:01:08,375 --> 00:01:11,208 Andrew, do something! Say something! 28 00:01:11,291 --> 00:01:13,833 Distract Bernie from that ass! 29 00:01:13,916 --> 00:01:15,333 Uh, I love you. 30 00:01:15,416 --> 00:01:18,541 Okay. Was that the emergency? 31 00:01:18,625 --> 00:01:21,208 Yep, that was it. Now you gotta say it back. 32 00:01:21,291 --> 00:01:24,375 Yes. And say it in front of Alison's perfect pooper. 33 00:01:24,458 --> 00:01:27,000 Okay. I love… you. I gotta go. 34 00:01:27,083 --> 00:01:28,083 Oh fuck. 35 00:01:28,166 --> 00:01:29,750 That was not a convincing "I love you." 36 00:01:29,833 --> 00:01:31,500 She said it like the Pledge of Allegiance. 37 00:01:31,583 --> 00:01:33,125 Andrew, you must take action. 38 00:01:33,208 --> 00:01:34,750 You don't want to end up like your dad, 39 00:01:34,833 --> 00:01:37,791 losing the only woman who will ever love you. 40 00:01:37,875 --> 00:01:40,416 -You're right. I'm gonna go to Vermont. -What? Really? 41 00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:42,041 I'm gonna surprise Bernie 42 00:01:42,125 --> 00:01:44,333 and make sure that she doesn't fall in love 43 00:01:44,416 --> 00:01:46,166 with that gorgeous piece of ass. 44 00:01:46,250 --> 00:01:47,625 Andrew, you are being crazy. 45 00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:49,500 Crazy with love. 46 00:01:49,583 --> 00:01:50,583 And jealousy. 47 00:01:50,666 --> 00:01:54,000 And rage. Rage. Fucking rage! 48 00:01:54,083 --> 00:01:56,791 Boys, let's go block a cock. 49 00:01:59,208 --> 00:02:04,791 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 50 00:02:08,708 --> 00:02:14,166 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 51 00:02:14,833 --> 00:02:16,916 ♪ Oh, in my life ♪ 52 00:02:18,416 --> 00:02:21,666 ♪ Oh, ooh, ooh ♪ 53 00:02:29,916 --> 00:02:33,541 Oh gosh, Elijah, I am so nervous to meet your family. 54 00:02:33,625 --> 00:02:36,041 Relax. It's just a cookout. And they're gonna love you. 55 00:02:36,125 --> 00:02:37,708 Missy, even I'm nervous. 56 00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:40,916 Everyone here is Black. We have to be cool. 57 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:43,291 Do you think there's gonna be vegan options at this cookout? 58 00:02:43,375 --> 00:02:44,666 -Ow! -I said cool. 59 00:02:44,750 --> 00:02:46,333 [kids laughing] 60 00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:48,208 -Oh shit. -Elijah. 61 00:02:48,291 --> 00:02:49,458 Okay, those are my uncles. 62 00:02:49,541 --> 00:02:52,333 Do not say the word "backflip" around them because they'll start flipping 63 00:02:52,416 --> 00:02:55,458 -and then somebody's gonna get hurt. -Got it. No BFing. 64 00:02:55,541 --> 00:02:57,541 So, uh, this your little girlfriend? 65 00:02:57,625 --> 00:02:59,833 Uh, yeah. Everyone, this is Missy. 66 00:02:59,916 --> 00:03:03,375 And she is my regular-sized girlfriend. 67 00:03:03,458 --> 00:03:04,291 [gasps] 68 00:03:04,375 --> 00:03:07,166 -Girlfriend? -Fuck yeah. He made it official. 69 00:03:07,250 --> 00:03:08,666 -Ooh! -[woman] Hey, Elijah. 70 00:03:08,750 --> 00:03:10,666 If she's good enough to be your girl, 71 00:03:10,750 --> 00:03:13,208 then she's good enough to be my spades partner. 72 00:03:13,291 --> 00:03:14,625 -That's my Auntie Amber. -Oh. 73 00:03:14,708 --> 00:03:16,750 She's rich and cool, and she hates everybody. 74 00:03:16,833 --> 00:03:18,083 That's my kind of woman. 75 00:03:18,166 --> 00:03:19,708 Now, come over here, sweetheart. 76 00:03:19,791 --> 00:03:22,333 Let's win some money off my sad cousin. 77 00:03:22,416 --> 00:03:23,625 -Oh, okay. -Good luck. 78 00:03:23,708 --> 00:03:24,750 Hey, Elijah. 79 00:03:24,833 --> 00:03:26,875 What have you and your girlfriend been up to? 80 00:03:26,958 --> 00:03:29,708 Well, we've been to two restaurants and three movies. 81 00:03:29,791 --> 00:03:30,875 No, we mean physically. 82 00:03:30,958 --> 00:03:33,125 -Y'all doing hand stuff, mouth stuff? -Foot stuff? 83 00:03:33,208 --> 00:03:34,708 We hold hands all the time. 84 00:03:34,791 --> 00:03:37,708 -That doesn't count for anything. -You need to at least be kissing the girl. 85 00:03:37,791 --> 00:03:39,250 Or sucking her toes. 86 00:03:39,333 --> 00:03:41,833 'Cause if you don't satisfy your woman, somebody else will. 87 00:03:41,916 --> 00:03:42,750 I know that's right. 88 00:03:42,833 --> 00:03:45,583 Hey. Don't listen to these fools, Elijah. 89 00:03:45,666 --> 00:03:46,583 They're all single. 90 00:03:46,666 --> 00:03:47,625 And from what I hear, 91 00:03:47,708 --> 00:03:50,666 none of them can do a backflip to save their lives. 92 00:03:50,750 --> 00:03:52,666 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You hold on now. 93 00:03:52,750 --> 00:03:55,083 You take that back. I will do a backflip right now. 94 00:03:55,166 --> 00:03:56,166 -[grunts] -[cracks] 95 00:03:56,250 --> 00:03:58,083 Shit. My ACL. 96 00:03:58,166 --> 00:03:59,291 Oh shit. 97 00:03:59,375 --> 00:04:01,666 Oh, are you following me? 98 00:04:02,666 --> 00:04:05,375 Wow! Does that mean I'm getting my own story? 99 00:04:05,458 --> 00:04:08,458 And if you're getting your own story, buddy, 100 00:04:08,541 --> 00:04:11,916 that means you're gonna need your hormone monsters. 101 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:14,583 -Oh, hey, guys. -Gil, can you believe it? 102 00:04:14,666 --> 00:04:17,375 We're on Big Mouth. What an institution. 103 00:04:17,458 --> 00:04:19,833 Yeah. What do you think, Elijah, huh? 104 00:04:19,916 --> 00:04:21,875 -You wanna jerk off onto the grill? -What? Why? 105 00:04:21,958 --> 00:04:25,375 Because it's Big Mouth. These people are sick. 106 00:04:25,958 --> 00:04:26,958 [knocking on door] 107 00:04:27,041 --> 00:04:29,750 -Hi. You must be the plumber. -[chuckles] That's right, little lady. 108 00:04:29,833 --> 00:04:32,000 Is the man of the house home? 109 00:04:32,083 --> 00:04:34,125 Uh, there are no men in this house. 110 00:04:34,208 --> 00:04:35,125 Oh, okay, ladies. 111 00:04:35,208 --> 00:04:36,833 Uh, how can I explain this? 112 00:04:36,916 --> 00:04:39,416 I'm like a doctor for your sink. 113 00:04:39,500 --> 00:04:42,375 You don't have to use a metaphor. We know what a plumber is. 114 00:04:42,458 --> 00:04:43,833 Wow, for such a cute little girl, 115 00:04:43,916 --> 00:04:46,541 you're kind of a bossy little pain in the ass. 116 00:04:46,625 --> 00:04:47,833 Am I right, lonely mom? 117 00:04:47,916 --> 00:04:49,708 [chuckles] Just fix the damn sink. 118 00:04:49,791 --> 00:04:51,875 [scoffs] Can you believe this sexist pig? 119 00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:54,208 Yeah. We know how to fix a sink. 120 00:04:54,291 --> 00:04:56,458 Well, no. Technically, we don't. I'd be lost. 121 00:04:56,541 --> 00:04:58,750 But he shouldn't just assume that because we're women. 122 00:04:58,833 --> 00:05:00,958 Well, of course, sexism sucks, 123 00:05:01,041 --> 00:05:04,125 but it's really all a part of this whole crazy obsession 124 00:05:04,208 --> 00:05:06,791 you humans have with gender roles. 125 00:05:06,875 --> 00:05:09,083 -What? -Well, before one of you is even born, 126 00:05:09,166 --> 00:05:11,708 it's all, "Is it a boy or a girl?" 127 00:05:11,791 --> 00:05:14,916 With the pink blankies and the blue blankies. 128 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:17,416 Oh, and what about those stupid little headbands 129 00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:19,125 they put on their babies to say, 130 00:05:19,208 --> 00:05:21,833 "Don't worry. She's bald, but she's still a girl." 131 00:05:21,916 --> 00:05:24,791 You know, I never really thought about it that way before. 132 00:05:24,875 --> 00:05:26,500 That gender puts you in a box, 133 00:05:26,583 --> 00:05:29,208 and you spend your whole life trying to claw your way out 134 00:05:29,291 --> 00:05:32,041 until you end up in a literal box under the ground. 135 00:05:32,125 --> 00:05:34,958 -Yeah. -Knock, knock. Dr. Sink Doctor. 136 00:05:35,041 --> 00:05:37,250 There's something wrong with my toilet, 137 00:05:37,333 --> 00:05:40,458 but I can't tell what it is because I'm in a skirt. 138 00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:41,833 Say no more, sweetheart. 139 00:05:41,916 --> 00:05:44,083 And that, Jessi, hmm, 140 00:05:44,166 --> 00:05:46,166 that's how you get your shitter fixed sweetie. 141 00:05:47,375 --> 00:05:49,791 Bernie Sanders, here we come. 142 00:05:49,875 --> 00:05:52,458 Oh, I can't wait to see the look on her face 143 00:05:52,541 --> 00:05:55,708 when you show up unannounced and uninvited. 144 00:05:55,791 --> 00:05:56,750 Hey, guys, do you mind? 145 00:05:56,833 --> 00:06:00,583 I'm listening to a fascinating podcast from the makers of Serial. 146 00:06:00,666 --> 00:06:02,875 It's about cum in the 1960s. 147 00:06:02,958 --> 00:06:04,833 Look at us sitting here. 148 00:06:04,916 --> 00:06:07,291 I don't know why train travel gets such a bad rap. 149 00:06:07,375 --> 00:06:08,541 It's really quite elegant. 150 00:06:08,625 --> 00:06:09,750 [farts] Ow. 151 00:06:09,833 --> 00:06:12,625 Hey, kid. Where are your adults? 152 00:06:12,708 --> 00:06:15,625 Um, they should be joining me any moment. 153 00:06:15,708 --> 00:06:18,416 Okay, I'll be watching. 154 00:06:18,500 --> 00:06:21,333 -[phone rings] -Oh, hello, Bernie. 155 00:06:21,416 --> 00:06:22,416 Hey. Where are you? 156 00:06:22,500 --> 00:06:24,333 Don't ruin the romantic surprise. 157 00:06:24,416 --> 00:06:25,916 I'm at home. 158 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,500 -Tickets, please. Take out your tickets. -[Bernie] Who's that? 159 00:06:28,583 --> 00:06:32,166 Oh, it's my dad. He's, uh, selling tickets for lunch now. 160 00:06:32,250 --> 00:06:37,125 So, how was your cinematic rendezvous with Alison? 161 00:06:37,208 --> 00:06:38,166 It was fine. 162 00:06:38,250 --> 00:06:41,375 -Fine like platonic? -Of course. Why are you being so weird? 163 00:06:41,458 --> 00:06:44,083 Well, I mean, honestly, Alison's the one who's weird. 164 00:06:44,166 --> 00:06:47,625 Sketchy, really. Shady. I don't think you should be hanging out with him. 165 00:06:47,708 --> 00:06:49,083 You're doing so well. 166 00:06:49,166 --> 00:06:51,458 Alison is not sketchy. He's my friend. 167 00:06:51,541 --> 00:06:53,541 I also think Alison sounds sketchy. 168 00:06:53,625 --> 00:06:55,000 See? The creepy guy gets it. 169 00:06:55,083 --> 00:06:56,250 Guys, please. 170 00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:57,875 Ira Glass is talking right now 171 00:06:57,958 --> 00:07:00,791 about how Lady Bird Johnson was actually a squirter. 172 00:07:00,875 --> 00:07:03,916 [Ira] Act three. Things are getting wet in the White House. 173 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:04,916 -[rumbling] -Oh! 174 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:06,041 Holy shit! 175 00:07:06,125 --> 00:07:07,166 Uh, I gotta go. 176 00:07:07,250 --> 00:07:09,125 -My house is tipping over. -Oh no! 177 00:07:09,208 --> 00:07:10,875 I can't hear my podcast. 178 00:07:10,958 --> 00:07:12,541 [screams] 179 00:07:13,583 --> 00:07:15,833 Okay, guys, I really like Missy. 180 00:07:15,916 --> 00:07:17,541 Sure. She's a top-shelf lady. 181 00:07:17,625 --> 00:07:20,166 I just wish I was more excited to make out with her 182 00:07:20,250 --> 00:07:22,916 or do some of that feet stuff like my uncle said. 183 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:26,291 I always thought once you met the right person, you'd get, you know… 184 00:07:26,375 --> 00:07:29,958 -Horny? -Yeah, with the dick and the uh, uh, uh. 185 00:07:30,041 --> 00:07:34,041 I don't really think I feel a lot of the uh, uh, uh, like ever. 186 00:07:34,125 --> 00:07:38,333 Well, then, let's get some blood pumping into those big fat genitals, huh? 187 00:07:38,416 --> 00:07:40,958 I mean, that's our job, right? To get your nuts all fat? 188 00:07:41,041 --> 00:07:42,791 Focus. Focus. Focus. Here we go. 189 00:07:42,875 --> 00:07:45,166 Okay, let's see what giggles your pickle. 190 00:07:45,250 --> 00:07:49,333 How about this lady having from-behind relations on a motorcycle? 191 00:07:49,416 --> 00:07:52,541 -Whoa. That's a bit much. -Yeah, 2 Fast 2 Furious, right? 192 00:07:52,625 --> 00:07:54,666 How about this photo of the Kravitz family? 193 00:07:54,750 --> 00:07:57,000 Zoe, Lisa, Lenny. 194 00:07:57,083 --> 00:07:59,166 Jason Momoa? 195 00:07:59,250 --> 00:08:01,333 -Mm, nah. -No J-Mo? 196 00:08:01,416 --> 00:08:02,833 -You sure? -I like girls. 197 00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:05,583 All right, what about this lady in a Donald Duck suit? 198 00:08:05,666 --> 00:08:08,541 Huh, you a furry? You want some "suffering succotash"? 199 00:08:08,625 --> 00:08:11,958 First of all, "suffering succotash" is Sylvester the Cat. 200 00:08:12,041 --> 00:08:13,625 Oh, so you want a cat. 201 00:08:13,708 --> 00:08:15,625 No, I don't want any animals. 202 00:08:15,708 --> 00:08:18,416 I got it. I got it. Halle Berry. 203 00:08:18,500 --> 00:08:21,583 Oh, my uncles are always talking about how fine she is. 204 00:08:21,666 --> 00:08:25,041 Well, what do you think? What do you think of Ms. Berry? 205 00:08:25,125 --> 00:08:26,708 You horned up, E-man? 206 00:08:26,791 --> 00:08:29,166 Actually, I'm just really proud of her. 207 00:08:29,250 --> 00:08:32,625 I mean, she probably worked really hard to get in such good shape. 208 00:08:32,708 --> 00:08:35,500 But you're not feeling the uh, uh, uh? 209 00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:36,666 Guys, no offense. 210 00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:39,666 I just think we might need some outside help. 211 00:08:39,750 --> 00:08:41,500 Like a real expert in horniness. 212 00:08:41,583 --> 00:08:43,083 -Condoleezza Rice? -Pete Rose? 213 00:08:43,166 --> 00:08:44,875 Snoopy when he's wearing sunglasses? 214 00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:47,291 No. Someone even hornier. 215 00:08:47,375 --> 00:08:48,833 Hornier than Snoopy. 216 00:08:48,916 --> 00:08:50,000 [scoffs] Okay. 217 00:08:50,083 --> 00:08:52,458 [announcer] Welcome back to Boy Fight. 218 00:08:52,541 --> 00:08:53,833 B-B-B-Boy Fight. 219 00:08:53,916 --> 00:08:58,250 Where two boys fight in a parking lot over whose Barbie doll this isn't. 220 00:08:58,333 --> 00:08:59,291 It's not mine. 221 00:08:59,375 --> 00:09:01,916 -I only play with guns and barbed wire. -[grunts] 222 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,833 You see, humans and gender. 223 00:09:04,916 --> 00:09:06,416 It's a real shit show. 224 00:09:06,500 --> 00:09:09,958 So, on that, do hormone monsters, like, do it differently or… 225 00:09:10,041 --> 00:09:11,000 Of course. 226 00:09:11,083 --> 00:09:13,041 In hormone monster culture, 227 00:09:13,125 --> 00:09:17,583 we raise the fruits of our jizz gender-neutral until puberty 228 00:09:17,666 --> 00:09:20,083 and then they get to pick their own gender identity. 229 00:09:20,166 --> 00:09:22,625 It's all explained right here in my favorite book, 230 00:09:22,708 --> 00:09:25,458 So, You're Becoming a Fuck Monster? 231 00:09:25,541 --> 00:09:27,500 -Oh, cool. -Right? 232 00:09:27,583 --> 00:09:30,375 Now let's get up inside these pages. 233 00:09:31,041 --> 00:09:34,041 ♪ Take my hand and come along ♪ 234 00:09:34,125 --> 00:09:36,416 ♪ Through the magic of a song ♪ 235 00:09:36,500 --> 00:09:40,958 ♪ To a wondrous Gender-neutral Shangri-la ♪ 236 00:09:41,041 --> 00:09:44,458 -Whoa. -♪ Play with fire trucks or dolls ♪ 237 00:09:44,541 --> 00:09:47,041 ♪ Rub a dildo twixt your balls ♪ 238 00:09:47,125 --> 00:09:50,166 ♪ We've no gender-labeled playthings ♪ 239 00:09:50,250 --> 00:09:52,416 ♪ From nursery to boudoir ♪ 240 00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:57,791 ♪ Macho man or genderqueer Show your anger, shed a tear ♪ 241 00:09:57,875 --> 00:10:03,083 ♪ Every feeling plays an elemental part ♪ 242 00:10:03,166 --> 00:10:05,750 ♪ In the nurturing of a soul ♪ 243 00:10:05,833 --> 00:10:08,250 ♪ Free of judgment or control ♪ 244 00:10:08,333 --> 00:10:14,500 ♪ Till you grow into the you That's in your heart ♪ 245 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,041 This place is amazing. 246 00:10:17,125 --> 00:10:19,541 ♪ Gender is performance ♪ 247 00:10:19,625 --> 00:10:21,708 ♪ We play it as we choose ♪ 248 00:10:21,791 --> 00:10:26,583 ♪ In a universe More vast than Mars and Venus ♪ 249 00:10:27,125 --> 00:10:29,916 ♪ It's a dazzling color spectrum ♪ 250 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,500 ♪ So much more than pinks and blues ♪ 251 00:10:32,583 --> 00:10:37,458 ♪ And more beautiful Than simply vag or penis ♪ 252 00:10:37,541 --> 00:10:38,416 Yeah. 253 00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:41,416 ♪ From the high-femme CEO ♪ 254 00:10:41,500 --> 00:10:44,166 ♪ To the transmasc frathouse bro ♪ 255 00:10:44,250 --> 00:10:49,333 ♪ We've embraced A gender menu à la carte ♪ 256 00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:51,750 ♪ Every he and she and they ♪ 257 00:10:51,833 --> 00:10:54,541 -♪ With equal pride ♪ -♪ And equal pay ♪ 258 00:10:54,625 --> 00:11:01,291 ♪ Can live happily As the gender in their heart ♪ 259 00:11:01,375 --> 00:11:08,250 ♪ Flourish as the you That's in your heart ♪ 260 00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:10,208 Montel, wow. 261 00:11:10,291 --> 00:11:12,500 -You really-- -Sing even better than my mama? 262 00:11:12,583 --> 00:11:13,416 Yeah. 263 00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:15,833 Hey, both of you shut the fuck up. 264 00:11:15,916 --> 00:11:18,041 I do not like this dynamic. 265 00:11:18,125 --> 00:11:20,000 Sorry about that train oopsie, folks. 266 00:11:20,083 --> 00:11:23,458 But we will be getting you to Vermont in just 18 short hours. 267 00:11:23,541 --> 00:11:24,375 -Thank you. -[farts] 268 00:11:24,458 --> 00:11:25,833 -Ugh! -Ah. Ah. 269 00:11:25,916 --> 00:11:30,708 Oh, Bernie. I'm so glad we're becoming more than just friends. 270 00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:33,583 Ugh, me too. Andrew never had a chance. 271 00:11:33,666 --> 00:11:38,375 He lives so far away, and your beautiful ass is so close. 272 00:11:38,458 --> 00:11:41,000 No. Bernie, don't. I'm coming. 273 00:11:41,083 --> 00:11:42,583 Oh shit, Andrew. Look down. 274 00:11:42,666 --> 00:11:45,791 -You're running on Alison's fantastic ass. -Ah! 275 00:11:45,875 --> 00:11:48,250 Oh God, it's so supple. 276 00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:49,625 Whoa! 277 00:11:51,458 --> 00:11:53,458 Ah! Oh God. I really gotta poop. 278 00:11:53,541 --> 00:11:55,208 [chuckles nervously] But, Andrew, 279 00:11:55,291 --> 00:11:59,333 you can't seriously be considering taking a shit on a Greyhound bus, right? 280 00:11:59,416 --> 00:12:02,500 We've done a lot of disgusting things over the last several years, 281 00:12:02,583 --> 00:12:04,833 but I don't know if I can be a part of this. 282 00:12:04,916 --> 00:12:08,208 I can't very well hold it in until we get to Vermont. 283 00:12:08,291 --> 00:12:09,708 -[farts] -No! [grunts] 284 00:12:09,791 --> 00:12:13,083 This is my own fault for holding in that poop when I was 13. 285 00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:15,041 See? I'm not ending up like her. 286 00:12:15,125 --> 00:12:19,750 It's time for Andrew Glouberman to shit on a Greyhound bus. 287 00:12:19,833 --> 00:12:23,083 Hey, kid. Have a great doodie. 288 00:12:24,166 --> 00:12:27,833 I know that I'm new here and we don't know each other very well, 289 00:12:27,916 --> 00:12:31,000 but I've come to pay my respect and to seek your advice. 290 00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:33,791 I've heard tell of your legendary horniness, 291 00:12:33,875 --> 00:12:36,791 the potting soil, the pillows, the turkey. 292 00:12:36,875 --> 00:12:38,875 Turkeys. Plural. 293 00:12:38,958 --> 00:12:43,083 I've fucked many. And one even fucked me. 294 00:12:43,166 --> 00:12:44,625 Jesus Christ. 295 00:12:44,708 --> 00:12:47,083 This guy is hornier than Snoopy. 296 00:12:47,166 --> 00:12:50,375 How do you do it, man? How do you get so horny? 297 00:12:50,458 --> 00:12:54,500 Oh, I don't get horny. Horny gets me. 298 00:12:54,583 --> 00:12:57,083 You know, with the dick and the uh, uh, uh. 299 00:12:57,166 --> 00:12:58,916 Yes. The uh, uh, uh. 300 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,041 That's what I'm looking for. What does that feel like? 301 00:13:01,125 --> 00:13:04,291 I guess it's kind of like there are butterflies in my stomach. 302 00:13:04,375 --> 00:13:06,583 Butterflies? That sounds sweet. 303 00:13:06,666 --> 00:13:09,916 But they're all doing full penetration. 304 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:10,833 [moans] 305 00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:13,375 Fuck me until I turn back into a caterpillar. 306 00:13:13,458 --> 00:13:15,125 Oh yeah. Fill my thorax. 307 00:13:15,208 --> 00:13:17,541 Oh, treat me like a fucking moth. [grunts] 308 00:13:17,625 --> 00:13:19,458 And then it tingles in all the right places, 309 00:13:19,541 --> 00:13:20,541 if you know what I mean. 310 00:13:20,625 --> 00:13:21,666 -I don't. -Oh. 311 00:13:21,750 --> 00:13:25,666 My dick, balls, nipples, hands, and forehead. 312 00:13:25,750 --> 00:13:27,666 But we've got butterflies too, right, Elijah? 313 00:13:27,750 --> 00:13:30,166 I mean, I have butterflies, 314 00:13:30,250 --> 00:13:33,833 but they haven't really started penetrating each other yet. 315 00:13:33,916 --> 00:13:37,041 It's so exciting to be Missy's boyfriend. I love her braces. 316 00:13:37,125 --> 00:13:38,833 We should take her on a vegan picnic. 317 00:13:38,916 --> 00:13:42,166 I gotta say, your butterflies seem lovely. 318 00:13:42,250 --> 00:13:44,125 But I want them to be more like yours. 319 00:13:44,208 --> 00:13:46,333 I mean, Missy and I are official now, 320 00:13:46,416 --> 00:13:48,541 and if I don't kiss her, I might lose her. 321 00:13:48,625 --> 00:13:50,541 -And I really like her. And-- -Whoa, whoa, whoa. 322 00:13:50,625 --> 00:13:51,958 Okay, that's the problem. 323 00:13:52,041 --> 00:13:53,583 You're thinking way too much. 324 00:13:53,666 --> 00:13:55,916 And thinking is the enemy of horniness. 325 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,708 Don't think. Ugh! 326 00:13:57,791 --> 00:13:59,875 I can't believe we didn't think of that. 327 00:13:59,958 --> 00:14:00,916 Just kiss her, man. 328 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,333 And I guarantee you, 329 00:14:02,416 --> 00:14:05,833 your butterflies will start fucking the shit out of each other. 330 00:14:05,916 --> 00:14:07,458 Okay. I won't think. 331 00:14:07,541 --> 00:14:09,916 I'm just gonna kiss my girlfriend. 332 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:13,125 Thank you, Jay. You really are the Godfather of horniness. 333 00:14:13,208 --> 00:14:14,208 I know. 334 00:14:14,291 --> 00:14:19,000 Just when I thought my dick was out, they keep shoving it back in. 335 00:14:19,083 --> 00:14:22,208 Okay, easy-breezy, tushy squeezy. 336 00:14:22,291 --> 00:14:23,416 And we're done. 337 00:14:23,500 --> 00:14:24,708 Huh, that's different. 338 00:14:24,791 --> 00:14:26,666 The blue water. It's rising. 339 00:14:26,750 --> 00:14:28,125 -Oh shit. -Stomp it down. 340 00:14:28,208 --> 00:14:29,375 Hail Mary, full of grace, 341 00:14:29,458 --> 00:14:33,708 please guide Andrew's foot and send his waste back down to hell. 342 00:14:33,791 --> 00:14:36,958 Oh! Oh, okay. Oh, the toilet's got my shoe. 343 00:14:37,041 --> 00:14:37,916 [screaming] 344 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:38,916 [brakes squeal] 345 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,291 [passengers clamoring] 346 00:14:40,375 --> 00:14:43,458 [woman] Oh God! What kind of sick fuck shits on a bus? 347 00:14:43,541 --> 00:14:45,208 [Andrew] Oh, I don't know. 348 00:14:45,291 --> 00:14:48,208 I mean, if we ever do find out who did it, 349 00:14:48,291 --> 00:14:50,708 we should probably show them some mercy, right? 350 00:14:50,791 --> 00:14:52,333 Oh, we all know it was you, kid. 351 00:14:52,416 --> 00:14:53,750 Fuck you. I quit. 352 00:14:53,833 --> 00:14:56,541 Well, that's the driver. All right. Shit. What do we do now? 353 00:14:56,625 --> 00:14:58,291 Andrew, I hate to say it, 354 00:14:58,375 --> 00:15:01,583 but it might be time to cut our losses and go home. 355 00:15:01,666 --> 00:15:03,958 And let Alison steal the love of his life? 356 00:15:04,041 --> 00:15:06,416 Never. We'll just hitch a ride. 357 00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:08,166 Yeah, hitchhiking. 358 00:15:08,250 --> 00:15:12,500 The safest way for a young boy to travel alone. 359 00:15:13,583 --> 00:15:15,541 Hey, guys, I'm back. 360 00:15:15,625 --> 00:15:18,083 Whoa. Are you painting my room pink? 361 00:15:18,166 --> 00:15:20,333 Actually, it's called bubblegum nostalgia. 362 00:15:20,416 --> 00:15:23,625 It matches this dope ballerina lamp that I got for the baby. 363 00:15:23,708 --> 00:15:25,750 And this headband I got, you know, in case she's bald. 364 00:15:25,833 --> 00:15:28,666 You guys, they got the headband. What do I do? 365 00:15:28,750 --> 00:15:29,750 This is your chance. 366 00:15:29,833 --> 00:15:32,791 You can save that baby from the clutches of Big Gender. 367 00:15:32,875 --> 00:15:37,541 Yeah, be the change you wanna see in your dad's shitty apartment. 368 00:15:37,625 --> 00:15:40,125 Hey, guys. I've been giving it a think, 369 00:15:40,208 --> 00:15:41,541 and just wondering 370 00:15:41,625 --> 00:15:44,875 if maybe you should raise the baby, you know, gender-neutral. 371 00:15:44,958 --> 00:15:48,458 Whoa, that's a great idea. What does that idea mean? 372 00:15:48,541 --> 00:15:50,916 Well, we wouldn't assign them a gender. 373 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:53,875 We'd get them gender-neutral clothes and toys. 374 00:15:53,958 --> 00:15:56,083 We'd use gender-neutral pronouns. 375 00:15:56,166 --> 00:16:00,125 So, she would wear the headband like a belt or… 376 00:16:00,208 --> 00:16:01,166 No, more like 377 00:16:01,250 --> 00:16:04,583 they wouldn't wear the headband at all because it's oppressive. 378 00:16:04,666 --> 00:16:07,416 Yeah, but hold on. We're gonna raise our daughter to be a strong woman. 379 00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:10,375 -Oh yeah. We're raising a strong woman. -Just like you, Jessi. 380 00:16:10,458 --> 00:16:13,041 No, you should raise a strong person. 381 00:16:13,125 --> 00:16:15,583 Right. Right, right. Strong person is better. 382 00:16:15,666 --> 00:16:19,000 Okay. Look. If one day she realizes that she's not a girl, 383 00:16:19,083 --> 00:16:20,541 I will totally accept that. 384 00:16:20,625 --> 00:16:22,833 But until then, we're raising her as a girl. 385 00:16:22,916 --> 00:16:23,750 Yes. Yes. 386 00:16:23,833 --> 00:16:26,750 We gotta let the girl person decide. Pro-choice, Jessi. 387 00:16:26,833 --> 00:16:30,708 But why force all this gendered bullshit onto a baby? 388 00:16:30,791 --> 00:16:34,375 Girls can't fix sinks. Boys aren't allowed to cry. It all sucks. 389 00:16:34,458 --> 00:16:38,458 No, actually, what sucks is you storming into this bubblegum nostalgia room 390 00:16:38,541 --> 00:16:40,625 and making me feel bad for wanting a little girl. 391 00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:41,875 Just say baby. 392 00:16:41,958 --> 00:16:43,875 Ugh, leave me alone. 393 00:16:43,958 --> 00:16:46,458 I'm too young to be a stepmom. [weeps] 394 00:16:46,541 --> 00:16:49,958 All right, this is how change happens. 395 00:16:50,041 --> 00:16:52,708 One crying pregnant lady at a time. 396 00:16:52,791 --> 00:16:54,375 Aw, fuck me. 397 00:16:54,458 --> 00:16:55,916 -[horn blares] -[grunts] 398 00:16:56,000 --> 00:16:59,583 You guys are not gonna believe this, but I gotta take a dump again. 399 00:16:59,666 --> 00:17:01,666 Jesus. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Someone's stopping. 400 00:17:01,750 --> 00:17:03,250 Oh, finally, a kind soul. 401 00:17:03,333 --> 00:17:05,250 Hey, kid, hop in. 402 00:17:05,333 --> 00:17:09,083 It's wetter than Lady Bird Johnson's pussy out there. 403 00:17:09,166 --> 00:17:13,125 Andrew, as much as I appreciate this man's taste in podcasts, 404 00:17:13,208 --> 00:17:15,000 we can't get in the car with him, right? 405 00:17:15,083 --> 00:17:16,625 Oh, quiet yourself, Maury. 406 00:17:16,708 --> 00:17:18,375 He's practically a friend by now. 407 00:17:18,458 --> 00:17:21,000 And if he was gonna kill me, 408 00:17:21,083 --> 00:17:23,416 he would have done it after I shit the bus. 409 00:17:24,291 --> 00:17:25,125 [hoots] 410 00:17:25,208 --> 00:17:27,333 See? Hitchhiking's not so bad. 411 00:17:27,416 --> 00:17:29,416 Uh, Maury, why are you sitting in a car seat? 412 00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:32,125 Oh, you know, I actually was wondering the same thing. 413 00:17:32,208 --> 00:17:33,791 -This is weird. -Hey, Mario. 414 00:17:33,875 --> 00:17:37,458 Quick question. How come your rental car has a toddler's car seat? 415 00:17:37,541 --> 00:17:40,041 And why are the cup holders full of Honey Nut Cheerios? 416 00:17:40,125 --> 00:17:44,166 Busted. I carjacked a family. 417 00:17:44,250 --> 00:17:47,166 -Carjacked? -And my name's not really Mario. 418 00:17:47,250 --> 00:17:49,291 That's just what they called me at the facility 419 00:17:49,375 --> 00:17:53,958 because I tried to escape through the pipes with my friend, Luigi. 420 00:17:54,041 --> 00:17:56,416 -[siren blares] -Oh God. It's the cops. 421 00:17:58,166 --> 00:18:00,875 Oh fuck. I can't go back to the facility. 422 00:18:00,958 --> 00:18:03,416 -Sir, are you aware your taillight's out? -Fuck you, copper! 423 00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:04,458 I'll kill you! 424 00:18:04,541 --> 00:18:05,583 Holy shit! 425 00:18:07,041 --> 00:18:08,291 Kid. Grab his gun. 426 00:18:08,375 --> 00:18:10,208 Do it, Andrew. You'll feel so powerful. 427 00:18:10,291 --> 00:18:13,625 No, run. Run for your life. And take the Cheerios. 428 00:18:13,708 --> 00:18:16,416 Ah! Oh fuck, my glasses. 429 00:18:16,500 --> 00:18:20,958 Andrew, kill this police officer. Please. 430 00:18:21,041 --> 00:18:24,416 Uh, no, thank you. But thanks for the ride. 431 00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:25,500 [screams] 432 00:18:25,583 --> 00:18:28,166 So, that cookout was really fun. 433 00:18:28,250 --> 00:18:29,458 Yeah. It was great. 434 00:18:29,541 --> 00:18:30,791 Uh, my favorite part 435 00:18:30,875 --> 00:18:34,208 was probably when you called me your regular-sized girlfriend. 436 00:18:34,291 --> 00:18:35,291 Eyebrows, eyebrows. 437 00:18:35,375 --> 00:18:37,958 Okay, Elijah, I think that's our cue. 438 00:18:38,041 --> 00:18:40,083 Just do it. Don't even think about it. 439 00:18:40,166 --> 00:18:41,708 Here. Watch. Muah. 440 00:18:41,791 --> 00:18:43,666 Okay. Well, watch this. 441 00:18:43,750 --> 00:18:44,666 [moaning] 442 00:18:44,750 --> 00:18:47,250 And then, once I kiss her like that, I'll get horny? 443 00:18:47,333 --> 00:18:48,625 [chuckles] It's working for me. 444 00:18:49,458 --> 00:18:51,541 -Hey, Missy. -Yeah? 445 00:18:51,625 --> 00:18:54,416 Permission to consensually kiss you? 446 00:18:54,500 --> 00:18:58,083 Yes. Say yes, baby. Suck his fucking face. 447 00:18:58,166 --> 00:19:00,666 Um, fudge yeah. 448 00:19:01,250 --> 00:19:02,458 -Mm. -Finally. 449 00:19:02,541 --> 00:19:03,541 Hump me good, bug daddy. 450 00:19:03,625 --> 00:19:04,458 Hump me good. 451 00:19:04,541 --> 00:19:05,875 Absolutely cocoon me. 452 00:19:05,958 --> 00:19:07,583 I needed this. 453 00:19:07,666 --> 00:19:10,791 Now, make up for the lost time and stick your finger up his ass. 454 00:19:10,875 --> 00:19:12,375 How's it going in there, buddy? 455 00:19:12,458 --> 00:19:15,166 Are your butterflies going uh, uh, uh? 456 00:19:15,250 --> 00:19:16,541 This is nice. 457 00:19:16,625 --> 00:19:18,916 Do you, um… Do you wanna fuck me? 458 00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,166 No, uh-uh, but thank you for asking. 459 00:19:22,291 --> 00:19:25,041 Ooh, wowie-zowie. That was incredible. 460 00:19:25,125 --> 00:19:26,208 What happened, guys? 461 00:19:26,291 --> 00:19:29,125 My butterflies didn't even wanna do hand stuff with each other. 462 00:19:29,208 --> 00:19:31,666 -Uh, should I kiss Joe again? -Couldn't hurt. 463 00:19:31,750 --> 00:19:33,250 -[moaning] -[sighs] 464 00:19:33,333 --> 00:19:34,541 What's wrong with me? 465 00:19:34,625 --> 00:19:38,958 Oh God. I wanted this for so long. Mm. 466 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,416 [groans] 467 00:19:41,500 --> 00:19:43,541 I feel like I've been walking forever. 468 00:19:43,625 --> 00:19:45,708 I am also tired from the walking. 469 00:19:45,791 --> 00:19:49,250 Not me. The hours flew by. This podcast is riveting. 470 00:19:49,333 --> 00:19:52,250 Did you know Muhammad Ali's birth name was Cassius Cum? 471 00:19:52,333 --> 00:19:53,666 [Ira] Of course, this name change 472 00:19:53,750 --> 00:19:56,833 came years before Ali's legendary fight against George Foreman, 473 00:19:56,916 --> 00:19:58,583 The Rumble in the Bunghole. 474 00:19:58,666 --> 00:20:01,458 Andrew? Hi. What are you doing here? 475 00:20:01,541 --> 00:20:06,625 I'm here to surprise and delight you, my dear. [groans] 476 00:20:06,708 --> 00:20:08,250 Oh boy. Are you okay? 477 00:20:08,333 --> 00:20:10,625 -Hey, Andrew. Nice to see you, man. -Uh… 478 00:20:10,708 --> 00:20:12,458 Whoa! What happened to you? 479 00:20:12,541 --> 00:20:14,125 Isn't this lovely? 480 00:20:14,208 --> 00:20:15,583 Alison's here. 481 00:20:15,666 --> 00:20:17,958 And of course, yeah. 482 00:20:18,041 --> 00:20:21,875 -He brought his world-famous ass. -Hold on. 483 00:20:21,958 --> 00:20:26,291 Did you come all the way to Vermont just because you're jealous of Alison? 484 00:20:26,375 --> 00:20:28,416 Yeah, of course that's why I came. 485 00:20:28,500 --> 00:20:30,791 He likes you. He wants you. 486 00:20:30,875 --> 00:20:32,583 He craves your body, I think. 487 00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:33,708 No, he doesn't. 488 00:20:33,791 --> 00:20:36,625 Alison, please tell him you don't like me like that. 489 00:20:36,708 --> 00:20:40,583 Actually, I don't think I would have had the courage to say this 490 00:20:40,666 --> 00:20:43,875 if Andrew hadn't come here and forced my hand, 491 00:20:43,958 --> 00:20:46,875 but I do like you like that. 492 00:20:46,958 --> 00:20:47,958 -What? -Oh no. 493 00:20:48,041 --> 00:20:48,916 -What? -Fuck. 494 00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:53,583 I think you're a beautiful person inside and out. 495 00:20:53,666 --> 00:20:59,208 You are the most unique and special human I have ever known. 496 00:20:59,291 --> 00:21:01,541 Oh my God. Alison. 497 00:21:01,625 --> 00:21:04,958 Shit, that's beautiful. I think I'm falling in love with Alison. 498 00:21:05,041 --> 00:21:07,041 Andrew, punch him in the face like Cassius Cum. 499 00:21:07,125 --> 00:21:09,833 Okay. I'll try. 500 00:21:11,541 --> 00:21:12,458 Oh. 501 00:21:12,541 --> 00:21:13,583 Fuck, I missed. 502 00:21:13,666 --> 00:21:15,625 Andrew. What are you doing? 503 00:21:15,708 --> 00:21:17,166 Oh, I'm sorry. 504 00:21:17,250 --> 00:21:21,875 I just don't wanna be like my dad and lose the love of my life. 505 00:21:21,958 --> 00:21:25,500 You're the most unique and special human I've ever known. 506 00:21:25,583 --> 00:21:28,416 Oh, Andrew. That's Alison's line. 507 00:21:28,500 --> 00:21:29,791 That's… That's okay. 508 00:21:29,875 --> 00:21:31,250 Do you want me to help you up, 509 00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:34,333 and you can maybe try to punch me again? 510 00:21:34,416 --> 00:21:35,791 [sniffles] Yeah, please. 511 00:21:35,875 --> 00:21:37,916 No. Nobody's punching anyone. 512 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:40,916 Because the whole thing today impressed you a lot, 513 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:43,875 and even though Alison's beautiful and he likes you, 514 00:21:43,958 --> 00:21:45,833 you don't like him and you're about to tell him? 515 00:21:45,916 --> 00:21:49,375 Oh, Andrew, that's not what's gonna happen. 516 00:21:49,458 --> 00:21:52,500 [sobs] I figured. 517 00:21:52,583 --> 00:21:53,833 I figured. 518 00:21:55,541 --> 00:21:57,750 -[sobbing] -Hey, Caitlin. 519 00:21:57,833 --> 00:22:01,833 I'm so sorry. You can totally call the baby "her" if you want. 520 00:22:01,916 --> 00:22:03,000 I won't be mad. 521 00:22:03,083 --> 00:22:06,791 Oh, boo. Compromise is for the weak and the married. 522 00:22:06,875 --> 00:22:08,541 But if it's okay with you, 523 00:22:08,625 --> 00:22:12,125 I would like to call the baby "them" instead of her. 524 00:22:12,208 --> 00:22:14,625 You can call the baby whatever you want. 525 00:22:14,708 --> 00:22:17,375 -Thanks. -I'm gonna call the baby fuck stick. 526 00:22:17,458 --> 00:22:20,791 And I'm sorry that we painted your room bubblegum nostalgia 527 00:22:20,875 --> 00:22:22,250 without talking to you. 528 00:22:22,333 --> 00:22:23,875 That's like ugh. 529 00:22:23,958 --> 00:22:24,958 Um… 530 00:22:25,041 --> 00:22:27,875 What do you think about lemon drop daydream instead? 531 00:22:27,958 --> 00:22:31,583 -Is that yellow? -Yeah, it's… it's just yellow. 532 00:22:31,666 --> 00:22:32,500 That sounds great. 533 00:22:32,583 --> 00:22:35,208 A yellow room? That's it? 534 00:22:35,291 --> 00:22:37,333 I thought we were abolishing gender today. 535 00:22:37,416 --> 00:22:40,458 Oh, sweetie, humans change slowly. 536 00:22:40,541 --> 00:22:41,958 You gotta give 'em time. 537 00:22:42,041 --> 00:22:44,458 But I thought you said they'd all be dead in ten years. 538 00:22:44,541 --> 00:22:47,375 Shh! Baby, they don't know that yet. 539 00:22:47,958 --> 00:22:49,541 Guys, what am I gonna do? 540 00:22:49,625 --> 00:22:51,375 Yeah, that kiss confirmed it. 541 00:22:51,458 --> 00:22:53,541 You have zero horn in your tank. 542 00:22:53,625 --> 00:22:55,166 Hmm, I'm so confused. 543 00:22:55,250 --> 00:22:58,041 Elijah, I was hoping to see you before I left. 544 00:22:58,125 --> 00:23:00,375 Why don't you come walk Aunt Amber to the car, baby? 545 00:23:00,458 --> 00:23:01,291 Okay, Auntie. 546 00:23:01,375 --> 00:23:04,708 Are you all right? And be honest now, 'cause I already know the answer. 547 00:23:04,791 --> 00:23:06,625 I think there might be something wrong with me. 548 00:23:06,708 --> 00:23:08,791 Everyone else at school is so horny, 549 00:23:08,875 --> 00:23:11,166 and I don't even wanna, like, kiss my girlfriend. 550 00:23:11,250 --> 00:23:13,333 Well, maybe you're just not ready. 551 00:23:13,416 --> 00:23:15,083 Or maybe you're like me. 552 00:23:15,166 --> 00:23:17,791 A fabulous rich lady who's too good for the rest of her family? 553 00:23:17,875 --> 00:23:19,375 Well, yes. 554 00:23:19,458 --> 00:23:21,500 But also, you see, when I was younger, 555 00:23:21,583 --> 00:23:24,875 everyone told me that when I found the "right person," 556 00:23:24,958 --> 00:23:25,958 it would click. 557 00:23:26,041 --> 00:23:29,125 -So, I was a true ho. -Really? 558 00:23:29,208 --> 00:23:35,041 I tried everything. Being straight, bi, very gay, demisexual, pansexual… 559 00:23:35,125 --> 00:23:36,416 Whew! You're like Dennis Rodman. 560 00:23:36,500 --> 00:23:40,583 But after all that, I found that asexual is what works for me. 561 00:23:40,666 --> 00:23:42,458 Asexual. You guys know what that is? 562 00:23:42,541 --> 00:23:46,250 Oh, it's when someone feels little to no sexual attraction for other people. 563 00:23:46,333 --> 00:23:47,166 Kinda like you. 564 00:23:47,250 --> 00:23:50,375 Oh! Joe, he's asexual. 565 00:23:50,458 --> 00:23:52,375 We probably should have known that. 566 00:23:52,458 --> 00:23:55,208 Well, life comes at you fast. You can't beat yourself up. 567 00:23:55,291 --> 00:23:57,291 So there's nothing wrong with me? 568 00:23:57,375 --> 00:23:58,708 Maybe I'm just asexual? 569 00:23:58,791 --> 00:24:02,041 If that's what you feel right now, then that's what you are right now. 570 00:24:02,125 --> 00:24:05,708 Yeah, but, Auntie Amber, I don't wanna have to break up with my girlfriend. 571 00:24:05,791 --> 00:24:06,958 You don't have to. 572 00:24:07,041 --> 00:24:09,916 Being asexual doesn't mean you have to be alone. 573 00:24:10,000 --> 00:24:13,125 I love so many people, and so many people love me. 574 00:24:13,208 --> 00:24:14,541 I just don't wanna pork 'em. 575 00:24:14,625 --> 00:24:17,333 And you have so much disposable income. 576 00:24:17,416 --> 00:24:18,958 [chuckles] I sure do. 577 00:24:19,041 --> 00:24:21,875 My life is absolutely better than all your uncles'. 578 00:24:21,958 --> 00:24:24,958 And, baby, this is how you do a backflip. 579 00:24:25,041 --> 00:24:25,916 [grunts] 580 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:27,791 -Damn. -[chuckles] 581 00:24:27,875 --> 00:24:29,541 You know what? That didn't look so hard. 582 00:24:29,625 --> 00:24:30,875 [grunts] Ow! 583 00:24:30,958 --> 00:24:32,291 Ooh, my ACL! 584 00:24:32,375 --> 00:24:35,750 Fuck. Ah! My clavicle. My nose, Joe. 585 00:24:35,833 --> 00:24:38,750 -It's all broken. It's all broken. -Oh, and, buddy, your ass is bleeding. 586 00:24:38,833 --> 00:24:42,291 No, that's something else. I cut it while I was shaving. Fuck! 587 00:24:42,375 --> 00:24:43,916 Ah! 588 00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:46,875 Thanks for sitting with me while I wait for my mom. 589 00:24:46,958 --> 00:24:48,083 No problem, Andrew. 590 00:24:48,166 --> 00:24:49,916 What are you gonna do after I get picked up? 591 00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:51,041 You two gonna fool around? 592 00:24:51,125 --> 00:24:54,083 -Probably. -Yeah. We're really gonna go at it. 593 00:24:54,166 --> 00:24:57,291 Andrew, what were you thinking? You could have been killed. 594 00:24:57,375 --> 00:24:58,500 Oh, Mommy. 595 00:24:58,583 --> 00:25:00,625 I was in a train crash, 596 00:25:00,708 --> 00:25:04,166 and I ruined the whole Greyhound bus with my dookie. 597 00:25:04,250 --> 00:25:05,708 And then there was a shootout. 598 00:25:05,791 --> 00:25:09,250 And now Bernie likes that beautiful boy. [sniffles] 599 00:25:09,333 --> 00:25:11,208 And it's all my fault. 600 00:25:11,291 --> 00:25:13,708 Oh, sweetie. It's okay. 601 00:25:14,291 --> 00:25:17,333 Sometimes things just don't work out. 602 00:25:17,416 --> 00:25:20,208 Is that what's gonna happen with you and Dad? 603 00:25:20,291 --> 00:25:21,500 I don't know. 604 00:25:21,583 --> 00:25:23,458 But let's go home and get you cleaned up. 605 00:25:23,541 --> 00:25:25,875 Does this mean Andrew's mom is finally coming home? 606 00:25:25,958 --> 00:25:27,708 I don't know, man. I wasn't listening. 607 00:25:27,791 --> 00:25:32,291 They just dropped a bonus episode about Buzz Aldrin cumming on the moon. 608 00:25:32,375 --> 00:25:34,541 [Ira] And some people say that on a clear night, 609 00:25:34,625 --> 00:25:38,083 if you look up in the sky, you can still see Buzz Aldrin's semen 610 00:25:38,625 --> 00:25:42,000 orbiting this big blue marble we call home. 611 00:25:42,875 --> 00:25:45,166 ♪ The butterflies ♪ 612 00:25:46,083 --> 00:25:48,041 ♪ Are passive aggressive ♪ 613 00:25:48,125 --> 00:25:51,750 ♪ And put their problems on the shelf ♪ 614 00:25:51,833 --> 00:25:53,166 ♪ But they're beautiful ♪ 615 00:25:54,500 --> 00:25:57,625 ♪ And he'll realize ♪ 616 00:25:57,708 --> 00:26:01,916 ♪ The only thing that's real Are the kids that kid themselves ♪ 617 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:05,166 ♪ And the demise of the beautiful ♪ 618 00:26:06,916 --> 00:26:09,541 ♪ What is beautiful? ♪ 619 00:26:21,208 --> 00:26:25,666 ♪ The multi-life is better Than the one we're in ♪ 620 00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:27,666 ♪ The one we knew ♪