1
00:00:12,584 --> 00:00:17,418
Oh, Maury,
I can't get Bernie Sanders off my mind.
2
00:00:17,501 --> 00:00:22,918
Oh, you came so close to touching
her sweet socialist sweater sausages.
3
00:00:23,001 --> 00:00:25,418
Ew. They're not sausages.
Come on. What's the matter with you?
4
00:00:25,501 --> 00:00:28,543
Oh, I'm sorry,
I think it's the pregnancy hormones.
5
00:00:28,626 --> 00:00:31,251
And maybe the stress
of Connie not wanting the baby.
6
00:00:31,334 --> 00:00:33,959
Okay, wow. That's a lot of information.
7
00:00:34,043 --> 00:00:36,043
I guess people
really need to watch the spin-off.
8
00:00:36,126 --> 00:00:38,001
Yeah, they watched it.
You didn't watch it?
9
00:00:38,084 --> 00:00:40,584
I can't watch shows with my friends
in them. It just takes me out.
10
00:00:40,668 --> 00:00:41,584
Hey, Andrew!
11
00:00:41,668 --> 00:00:44,501
Get out there and shovel the driveway
before it stops snowing.
12
00:00:44,584 --> 00:00:47,084
Can't you just hire someone
with a snowplow?
13
00:00:47,168 --> 00:00:50,668
You're my snowplow!
I already pay you in dinner!
14
00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:52,126
Brittany, your turn.
15
00:00:52,209 --> 00:00:54,918
Fuck Brittany, and fuck these board games!
16
00:00:55,001 --> 00:00:57,793
We've been snowed in
with your family for two weeks.
17
00:00:57,876 --> 00:01:01,751
I know. It feels like a million years
since Jay's long tongue was in my mouth.
18
00:01:01,834 --> 00:01:03,168
So fucking long.
19
00:01:03,251 --> 00:01:05,209
I just wanna see him so bad.
20
00:01:05,293 --> 00:01:06,834
It makes me wanna… wanna…
21
00:01:06,918 --> 00:01:08,126
Kill your whole family?
22
00:01:08,209 --> 00:01:09,918
No, it makes me wanna sing.
23
00:01:10,001 --> 00:01:12,043
Oh, fuck yeah. I love that idea.
24
00:03:24,584 --> 00:03:25,709
There he is, Maury.
25
00:03:25,793 --> 00:03:27,876
-He's even hotter than I remember.
-Matthew.
26
00:03:27,959 --> 00:03:31,293
Go to him. Lasso him with your dick
and pin him down with your tongue.
27
00:03:31,376 --> 00:03:33,418
Get out. Look out. Ah!
28
00:03:33,501 --> 00:03:36,959
Holy shit, I'm so fucking horny for you.
29
00:03:37,959 --> 00:03:42,001
Oh, what I wouldn't give
to attack Bernie Sanders just like that.
30
00:03:42,084 --> 00:03:43,751
Andrew, don't use the word "attack."
31
00:03:43,834 --> 00:03:46,459
But I know what you mean.
I'm feeling kinda randy.
32
00:03:46,543 --> 00:03:49,751
I guess it's because I'm, like,
becoming a big, studly man too.
33
00:03:49,834 --> 00:03:55,334
Oh yeah, my man's got a hard
little piece of chalk in his panties.
34
00:03:55,418 --> 00:03:56,251
Ow!
35
00:03:56,334 --> 00:03:58,709
You know what?
I'm gonna text Bernie right now.
36
00:03:58,793 --> 00:04:00,959
"Dear Sugarpuss…"
37
00:04:01,043 --> 00:04:04,168
-Whoa.
-I know. Pretty erotic, right?
38
00:04:04,251 --> 00:04:08,751
Oh God. It's so hot
how smooth and clean your teeth are.
39
00:04:08,834 --> 00:04:10,751
It's like kissing a dentist.
40
00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,918
Oh yeah, we needed that.
41
00:04:13,001 --> 00:04:14,418
We really did.
42
00:04:14,501 --> 00:04:16,251
Wait. Maury, are you smoking?
43
00:04:16,334 --> 00:04:18,668
Oh yeah, for hormone monsters,
smoking is--
44
00:04:20,251 --> 00:04:21,709
It's actually very good for the baby.
45
00:04:21,793 --> 00:04:22,834
Ooh! Hey, Matthew.
46
00:04:22,918 --> 00:04:26,543
Maybe after school,
we could go back to your place
47
00:04:26,626 --> 00:04:29,084
and I could "shovel your driveway."
48
00:04:29,168 --> 00:04:31,251
I don't know what that means,
but I want it.
49
00:04:31,334 --> 00:04:34,376
Are you kidding? It's one thing
to come out to my devout family.
50
00:04:34,459 --> 00:04:36,793
It's a whole other thing
to bring my boyfriend home.
51
00:04:36,876 --> 00:04:38,793
Oh, come on, they already know you're gay.
52
00:04:38,876 --> 00:04:41,126
Now it's time to rub their faces in it.
53
00:04:41,209 --> 00:04:43,418
No. My mom and I
are finally talking again.
54
00:04:43,501 --> 00:04:46,043
-I don't wanna rock the boat.
-All right.
55
00:04:46,126 --> 00:04:49,876
Um, Jay, maybe we could find
a more private place to hook up.
56
00:04:49,959 --> 00:04:52,584
Oh yeah, sure. Like an empty septic tank?
57
00:04:52,668 --> 00:04:54,584
-Uh, less private than that.
-Oh, I got it.
58
00:04:54,668 --> 00:04:56,876
My pants car has finally thawed out
from that snowbank.
59
00:04:56,959 --> 00:04:59,793
I could lay you down on a bed of denim
60
00:04:59,876 --> 00:05:02,376
and worship your body for free.
61
00:05:02,459 --> 00:05:06,251
-That actually sounds… pretty great.
-I know.
62
00:05:06,334 --> 00:05:10,459
I bet you think it bothers me
that Jay picked Matthew over me.
63
00:05:10,543 --> 00:05:11,709
Oh. Are you talking to us?
64
00:05:11,793 --> 00:05:14,543
Sweetie, I'm talking to anybody
who will listen.
65
00:05:14,626 --> 00:05:17,668
-Is that Andrew?
-Lola, what happened to your bangs?
66
00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:18,834
Oh my God, thank you.
67
00:05:18,918 --> 00:05:20,751
It's a new year, so it's a new me.
68
00:05:20,834 --> 00:05:24,293
And while I was not asked to sing
in the opening number,
69
00:05:24,376 --> 00:05:27,418
I, too, am as horny as my bangs are long.
70
00:05:27,501 --> 00:05:29,043
Hey, Lola, we're twins.
71
00:05:29,126 --> 00:05:31,168
I grew out my bangs too.
72
00:05:31,251 --> 00:05:32,543
My nose bangs.
73
00:05:32,626 --> 00:05:35,751
My lips are too shy to be nudie.
74
00:05:37,209 --> 00:05:39,793
Missy, why do all the guys
at our school suck?
75
00:05:39,876 --> 00:05:43,168
Yeah, this bakery
is fresh out of stud muffins.
76
00:05:43,251 --> 00:05:45,668
You know who doesn't suck? Judd.
77
00:05:47,084 --> 00:05:51,876
He's a man with a motor vehicle
and a license to kill… that pussy.
78
00:05:51,959 --> 00:05:54,293
As much as I would love
for him to murder my vagina,
79
00:05:54,376 --> 00:05:56,126
it's never gonna happen.
80
00:05:56,209 --> 00:05:57,376
He's too old for me.
81
00:05:57,459 --> 00:06:00,543
Oh, Missy. Stud muffin,
hot out of the oven, four o'clock.
82
00:06:00,626 --> 00:06:01,751
Oh yeah, he's cute.
83
00:06:01,834 --> 00:06:04,709
Hey, Jessi, who's
that dirty little danish over there?
84
00:06:04,793 --> 00:06:06,709
Him? I think he's just an extra.
85
00:06:06,793 --> 00:06:09,543
See how he's just standing there
and, like, blinking occasionally?
86
00:06:09,626 --> 00:06:11,709
He can't be an extra.
We're talking about him.
87
00:06:11,793 --> 00:06:13,751
Yeah. What's his deal?
88
00:06:13,834 --> 00:06:16,918
I bet he sleeps nude
in an RV on the beach,
89
00:06:17,001 --> 00:06:20,168
with an ashtray in his bed
and an angry dog by his side.
90
00:06:20,251 --> 00:06:22,251
What is that? Is that from something?
91
00:06:22,334 --> 00:06:23,959
It's Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon.
92
00:06:24,043 --> 00:06:25,418
Oh, okay.
93
00:06:25,501 --> 00:06:28,918
I only know him from his work
as a racist and an anti-Semite.
94
00:06:29,001 --> 00:06:31,501
Well, he used to be an actor too.
95
00:06:32,084 --> 00:06:34,001
We got too much mail today.
96
00:06:34,084 --> 00:06:35,001
I'm sorry, Marty.
97
00:06:36,084 --> 00:06:39,834
Maury, Bernie Sanders replied to my text.
She wants to Zoom.
98
00:06:39,918 --> 00:06:43,293
Yeah, let's go upstairs
and Zoom-Zoom from your room-room.
99
00:06:43,376 --> 00:06:46,168
Where do you think you're going,
you number one pervert?
100
00:06:46,251 --> 00:06:48,418
Oh, I think
I left the light on in my room.
101
00:06:48,501 --> 00:06:50,209
-Even though nobody's up there.
-What?
102
00:06:50,293 --> 00:06:52,084
But that's fine, right? I should leave it.
103
00:06:52,168 --> 00:06:53,001
What're you nuts?!
104
00:06:53,084 --> 00:06:55,334
Turn it off before I stab you in the eye
with this fork.
105
00:06:55,418 --> 00:06:57,668
Like taking candy from a baby.
106
00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,751
Looks like it's just you and me.
107
00:06:59,834 --> 00:07:02,834
I think I might have left the light on
in the garage.
108
00:07:02,918 --> 00:07:05,001
You too? Go! Get outta here!
109
00:07:05,084 --> 00:07:07,418
Like taking candy from a baby.
110
00:07:07,501 --> 00:07:09,751
Everybody's stupid but me.
111
00:07:09,834 --> 00:07:11,418
Mm.
112
00:07:13,543 --> 00:07:15,876
Ultimate boner achieved.
113
00:07:15,959 --> 00:07:17,793
Oh, this is the dream.
114
00:07:17,876 --> 00:07:21,126
A horny robot boyfriend
with his own pants car.
115
00:07:21,209 --> 00:07:24,876
Robo-Jay requires more tongue action.
116
00:07:26,168 --> 00:07:27,751
Uh, is the car moving?
117
00:07:27,834 --> 00:07:30,834
Oh, sweet Matthew,
I think that's just my dick.
118
00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:33,751
No, Jay. We're rolling
towards the edge of the cliff.
119
00:07:33,834 --> 00:07:35,959
-Holy shit.
-Oh fuck!
120
00:07:36,043 --> 00:07:39,293
-The brakes don't work.
-Neither do the doors. We're gonna die.
121
00:07:40,918 --> 00:07:41,834
Oh God!
122
00:07:41,918 --> 00:07:44,709
Initiating life-saving mode.
123
00:07:46,293 --> 00:07:47,209
No.
124
00:07:48,626 --> 00:07:50,793
Holy shit. We're alive.
125
00:07:50,876 --> 00:07:52,168
Oh no! My pants car!
126
00:07:52,251 --> 00:07:55,834
Matthew, your denim-stuffed
cum chariot is destroyed.
127
00:07:55,918 --> 00:07:57,918
Shit, where are we gonna hook up now?
128
00:07:58,001 --> 00:08:00,959
At least
my kerosene-soaked fireworks are okay.
129
00:08:01,043 --> 00:08:02,459
Oh, come on!
130
00:08:02,543 --> 00:08:06,668
I was saving those
for our one-month anniversary.
131
00:08:07,293 --> 00:08:10,668
Oh man, she's connecting
to computer audio.
132
00:08:10,751 --> 00:08:12,251
-Hey, Andrew.
-Bernie.
133
00:08:12,334 --> 00:08:14,709
I know it's only been a few weeks,
but I miss you so much.
134
00:08:14,793 --> 00:08:17,626
Me too. I just wanna
sneak up behind you and attack you.
135
00:08:17,709 --> 00:08:19,626
Yes, I feel the same way.
136
00:08:19,709 --> 00:08:23,376
I can't stop thinking about the last time
we were together. We came so close to--
137
00:08:23,459 --> 00:08:25,126
Fondling each other's breasts?
138
00:08:25,209 --> 00:08:27,209
Yeah, that's exactly what I was gonna say.
139
00:08:27,293 --> 00:08:30,376
But, um, I don't know,
maybe we should try again right now?
140
00:08:30,459 --> 00:08:31,376
What do you mean?
141
00:08:31,459 --> 00:08:34,876
Like, you squeeze your boobs
and I squeeze mine?
142
00:08:34,959 --> 00:08:36,501
Ooh, I like it.
143
00:08:36,584 --> 00:08:38,293
Oh, that feels nice.
144
00:08:42,043 --> 00:08:44,501
Should we maybe take off our shirts?
145
00:08:44,584 --> 00:08:46,584
Okay. This is gonna be over
in about 45 seconds.
146
00:08:46,668 --> 00:08:48,709
Holy shit. I mean, yeah.
147
00:08:48,793 --> 00:08:50,209
I'm gonna take off my shirt
148
00:08:50,293 --> 00:08:53,043
so you can see my Jewish fucking torso.
149
00:08:53,126 --> 00:08:55,459
-Yes, you-- Oh. Andrew?
-Oh, you like that?
150
00:08:55,543 --> 00:08:56,626
-Andrew.
-Excuse me?
151
00:08:56,709 --> 00:08:59,668
Because this little whore
is just getting started, baby.
152
00:08:59,751 --> 00:09:01,126
Andrew, what is happening?
153
00:09:01,209 --> 00:09:02,709
Oh shit! Mom.
154
00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:04,876
Just keep going.
We'll deal with the fallout later.
155
00:09:04,959 --> 00:09:06,584
What's that nympho doing now?
156
00:09:06,668 --> 00:09:07,751
Why is your shirt off?
157
00:09:07,834 --> 00:09:09,626
Why are you on Zoom?
158
00:09:09,709 --> 00:09:11,709
-It's the family account.
-That's it.
159
00:09:11,793 --> 00:09:13,876
We can't trust you with your own penis.
160
00:09:13,959 --> 00:09:15,543
Oh God. What does that mean?
161
00:09:15,626 --> 00:09:18,584
Your pecker or your door?
One of them's getting removed.
162
00:09:18,668 --> 00:09:19,584
-The door.
The door.
163
00:09:19,668 --> 00:09:21,084
-The goddamn door.
-The door?
164
00:09:21,168 --> 00:09:23,959
Let's see if you like molesting yourself
with an audience.
165
00:09:24,043 --> 00:09:26,251
Oh yeah, he quite enjoys that, yes.
166
00:09:26,334 --> 00:09:28,876
Okay, careful. One more step.
167
00:09:28,959 --> 00:09:30,251
Ta-da!
168
00:09:30,334 --> 00:09:32,584
-Uh, Jay, where are we?
-Nick's attic.
169
00:09:32,668 --> 00:09:36,626
I know you wanted me to find
a new hookup place, and this is perfect.
170
00:09:36,709 --> 00:09:38,334
It's dark. It's private,
171
00:09:38,418 --> 00:09:42,168
and it stinks really good,
like the gym locker room.
172
00:09:42,251 --> 00:09:45,418
-Jayzarian Rickflairian Bilzerian.
-Woo!
173
00:09:45,501 --> 00:09:46,459
What are you doing here?
174
00:09:46,543 --> 00:09:50,293
Well, the ghost of Duke Ellington,
this is my new boyfriend, Matthew.
175
00:09:50,376 --> 00:09:51,209
Hey, Matt.
176
00:09:51,293 --> 00:09:54,959
Turns out we can't hardcore french
each other's bods at either of our houses
177
00:09:55,043 --> 00:09:56,876
'cause our families are germophobic.
178
00:09:56,959 --> 00:09:58,959
I think what Jay means is "homophobic."
179
00:09:59,043 --> 00:10:02,334
Oh no, my dad
actually considers me to be a virus.
180
00:10:03,709 --> 00:10:05,959
Uh, Jay, is he gonna be here
the whole time, or--
181
00:10:06,043 --> 00:10:07,584
No, I'm not some creep.
182
00:10:07,668 --> 00:10:10,293
I'm gonna go watch Elliot and Diane fuck.
183
00:10:10,376 --> 00:10:14,251
-Okay.
-Elliot weeps when he cums.
184
00:10:15,501 --> 00:10:18,418
Well? What do you think?
Pretty great, huh?
185
00:10:18,501 --> 00:10:22,834
Well, it's either this stinky attic
or your mom's Jesus-y house.
186
00:10:22,918 --> 00:10:25,084
I can make this work.
187
00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:26,918
Mm.
188
00:10:27,001 --> 00:10:28,001
Yeah.
189
00:10:28,084 --> 00:10:29,918
What the fuck, Jay?
190
00:10:30,001 --> 00:10:31,543
You hooked up at my house?
191
00:10:31,626 --> 00:10:32,709
Oh yeah, baby.
192
00:10:32,793 --> 00:10:34,584
I also watched you sleep
193
00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:37,876
-in your little boy, bacon-and-egg PJs.
-What?
194
00:10:37,959 --> 00:10:41,001
Andrew, you should use Nick's attic
to hook up with Bernie.
195
00:10:41,084 --> 00:10:44,418
Your psycho dad won't be there
with his castrating screwdriver.
196
00:10:44,501 --> 00:10:47,334
Ooh, Nick, what kind of Wi-Fi
do you have in your attic?
197
00:10:47,418 --> 00:10:50,584
Do you think you have the bandwidth
to broadcast this fat ass?
198
00:10:50,668 --> 00:10:54,834
No. I don't want anyone hooking up
in my house, especially if I'm not.
199
00:10:54,918 --> 00:10:58,084
Missy, there he is. Little Mel Gibson.
200
00:10:58,168 --> 00:11:01,126
Uh, I do think we should talk
about the nickname. Ooh.
201
00:11:01,209 --> 00:11:02,793
-Oh.
-I'm sorry, uh…
202
00:11:02,876 --> 00:11:05,709
I'm Missy. And your name is?
Tell me now. Your name?
203
00:11:05,793 --> 00:11:08,043
-Elijah. I just moved here from Virginia.
-Oh.
204
00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:10,584
Virginia. That sounds like vagina,
205
00:11:10,668 --> 00:11:13,293
-and vagina is for lovers.
-Mona.
206
00:11:13,376 --> 00:11:15,626
Well, I gotta be somewhere.
207
00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:18,459
-So see you around, Missy.
-Okay.
208
00:11:18,543 --> 00:11:21,751
He's so mysterious.
Where do you think he's going?
209
00:11:21,834 --> 00:11:25,084
Probably to fix something
with his shirt off.
210
00:11:25,168 --> 00:11:29,709
Like a motorcycle that he straddles
with his ample groin.
211
00:11:29,793 --> 00:11:32,293
-Elijah!
-Elijah!
212
00:11:32,876 --> 00:11:34,043
It's just so gross.
213
00:11:34,126 --> 00:11:36,876
My friends were using our attic
like a cheap motel.
214
00:11:36,959 --> 00:11:37,793
Oh, Nicky.
215
00:11:37,876 --> 00:11:42,043
Clearly, your peers recognize us
as a safe haven for sex positivity.
216
00:11:42,126 --> 00:11:44,168
Ew. Don't call them my peers.
217
00:11:44,251 --> 00:11:45,959
Ha, ha. You're pathetic.
218
00:11:46,043 --> 00:11:47,918
Your friends are all
hooking up in your house
219
00:11:48,001 --> 00:11:50,043
while your little dick rots on the bone.
220
00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:53,709
Juddy, not everybody matures
at the same rate.
221
00:11:53,793 --> 00:11:57,209
That's right. I didn't have my first kiss
until I was 24,
222
00:11:57,293 --> 00:11:59,334
but then, it was straight to anal.
223
00:11:59,418 --> 00:12:01,168
Okay, guys,
I'm gonna skip over the anal stuff
224
00:12:01,251 --> 00:12:04,293
and just say I've kissed my fair share
of girls. It's just been a while.
225
00:12:04,376 --> 00:12:06,293
Nick, I remember when I was your age,
226
00:12:06,376 --> 00:12:08,918
Tim Pelegrin had the hookup house.
227
00:12:09,001 --> 00:12:12,793
He frenched so many girls.
They had a PTA meeting about him.
228
00:12:12,876 --> 00:12:15,126
Rick, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
229
00:12:15,209 --> 00:12:16,543
That if your dick is rotting,
230
00:12:16,626 --> 00:12:19,334
we should put the rest in a banana bread
before it goes bad?
231
00:12:19,418 --> 00:12:24,293
No, that having the hookup house
could actually be pretty sweet.
232
00:12:26,751 --> 00:12:28,751
Great hookup house, Nick.
233
00:12:28,834 --> 00:12:30,876
Do you want to three-way make out
with me and Devon?
234
00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:33,668
Absolutely, sweetheart.
That's why we're here.
235
00:12:33,751 --> 00:12:36,376
No, Nick, make out with me first.
236
00:12:36,459 --> 00:12:40,168
No, Nick, we have called American dibs
on your small, strong body.
237
00:12:40,251 --> 00:12:44,251
Ladies, ladies, there's enough
of my small, strong body for all of you.
238
00:12:46,459 --> 00:12:49,668
Oh yeah,
that is exactly what's gonna happen.
239
00:12:49,751 --> 00:12:51,668
Yeah, whose dick is rotting now?
240
00:12:51,751 --> 00:12:53,709
Mine is, baby.
241
00:12:56,418 --> 00:12:57,834
Good morning, Bridgeton Middle.
242
00:12:57,918 --> 00:12:59,043
Coming up later this hour,
243
00:12:59,126 --> 00:13:03,543
we have an exclusive with a student
who saw Ms. Benitez at a laundromat.
244
00:13:03,626 --> 00:13:07,459
But first, twist,
a word from our sponsors.
245
00:13:07,543 --> 00:13:12,001
Are you a local child
looking for hot action?
246
00:13:12,084 --> 00:13:14,418
Hot action.
247
00:13:14,501 --> 00:13:18,793
But you live at home with your father
who wants to remove your penis?
248
00:13:18,876 --> 00:13:22,001
Well, the attic of your fantasies awaits.
249
00:13:22,084 --> 00:13:24,126
The Hookup House. Hookup House.
250
00:13:25,126 --> 00:13:29,959
Dozens of dark corners
to get absolutely nasty.
251
00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:31,918
Oh, nasty.
252
00:13:32,001 --> 00:13:35,751
Cocking eyebrow.
Is this how Lola gets her groove back?
253
00:13:35,834 --> 00:13:38,001
-The Hookup House.
Hookup House.
254
00:13:38,084 --> 00:13:41,626
Where the sex is infectious.
255
00:13:41,709 --> 00:13:43,459
Insexious.
256
00:13:43,543 --> 00:13:47,084
If you're not there,
you're a total fucking loser.
257
00:13:47,168 --> 00:13:48,501
-Loser.
-Loser.
258
00:13:48,584 --> 00:13:51,209
Shh! Tell everyone.
259
00:13:51,293 --> 00:13:54,668
-I am so there.
-Man, that attic looks lit.
260
00:13:54,751 --> 00:13:57,709
I am a local child looking for hot action.
261
00:13:57,793 --> 00:13:59,168
Hey, Elijah.
262
00:13:59,251 --> 00:14:03,834
I just wanted to make sure you knew about
the hookup house, or whatever the fuck.
263
00:14:03,918 --> 00:14:05,751
Yeah, I saw the commercial.
264
00:14:05,834 --> 00:14:06,876
Is that the kind of stuff
265
00:14:06,959 --> 00:14:09,126
you guys normally have
on your morning announcements?
266
00:14:09,209 --> 00:14:10,209
Yeah, pretty standard.
267
00:14:10,293 --> 00:14:13,418
I just really didn't want you
to feel excluded,
268
00:14:13,501 --> 00:14:15,876
you know, because, uh, you're new in town.
269
00:14:15,959 --> 00:14:18,001
Wow, that's really nice, Missy. Thank you.
270
00:14:18,084 --> 00:14:21,501
Okay, he is totally going
to the hookup house.
271
00:14:21,584 --> 00:14:24,376
Yeah, I hear it's insexious.
272
00:14:24,459 --> 00:14:26,251
-Insexiou--
-Oh!
273
00:14:26,334 --> 00:14:28,001
Get the fuck away from me, Andrew.
274
00:14:28,084 --> 00:14:29,418
-Sorry.
-Further.
275
00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:37,751
I don't know, Missy.
276
00:14:37,834 --> 00:14:39,001
Come on, Jessi.
277
00:14:39,084 --> 00:14:40,376
Everyone's there.
278
00:14:40,459 --> 00:14:42,418
And it's the attic of our fantasies.
279
00:14:42,501 --> 00:14:45,584
Also, Judd lives in that fuck palace.
280
00:14:45,668 --> 00:14:46,876
Connie, stop.
281
00:14:46,959 --> 00:14:49,584
He knows about the T-shirt
and that I have a crush on him.
282
00:14:49,668 --> 00:14:51,168
It's all too humiliating.
283
00:14:51,251 --> 00:14:53,709
-But it's a hookup house.
-So?
284
00:14:53,793 --> 00:14:56,959
So Judd will have to hook up with you.
285
00:14:57,043 --> 00:15:00,543
It's the rules.
Picture it in your tiny mind.
286
00:15:00,626 --> 00:15:03,001
You're hot, but you're short.
287
00:15:03,084 --> 00:15:05,501
I need you to stand
on my grandmother's dead skull
288
00:15:05,584 --> 00:15:07,543
-so I can tongue your throat.
-Okay.
289
00:15:09,876 --> 00:15:12,126
Oh God, Connie. I want that for me.
290
00:15:12,209 --> 00:15:13,834
So let's go get it.
291
00:15:13,918 --> 00:15:16,084
Okay, Missy. It's gonna be stupid,
292
00:15:16,168 --> 00:15:18,459
but, like, I'd go, I guess, if you wanna.
293
00:15:18,543 --> 00:15:20,584
Yeah, if you're forcing me to, I guess.
294
00:15:20,668 --> 00:15:23,543
No, I'm not, like, forcing you,
but if you want, let's check it out.
295
00:15:23,626 --> 00:15:26,834
-All right, I'm in, 'cause you are.
-Right, same. 'Cause you are.
296
00:15:26,918 --> 00:15:30,959
Ladies, you both want some ass. Let's go.
297
00:15:32,043 --> 00:15:34,376
Lemonade? Chapstick?
You might need it later.
298
00:15:34,459 --> 00:15:37,959
Dentyne Ice? Anyone?
I know you're all pretty bad at flossing.
299
00:15:38,043 --> 00:15:40,668
Mom, Dad, get outta here.
You're ruining the vibes.
300
00:15:40,751 --> 00:15:41,793
Okay, love you.
301
00:15:41,876 --> 00:15:44,126
Enjoy your hookup culture, everybody.
302
00:15:44,209 --> 00:15:47,709
All right now,
children of the night, loosen up.
303
00:15:47,793 --> 00:15:49,084
Lick your lips.
304
00:15:49,168 --> 00:15:51,834
I don't know, Nick.
This party's nothing like the commercial.
305
00:15:51,918 --> 00:15:53,334
Yeah, what gives?
306
00:15:53,418 --> 00:15:58,126
I came here to do two things.
Eat some Pringles and get my body rocked.
307
00:15:58,209 --> 00:15:59,584
And it looks like…
308
00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:00,959
…we're out of Pringles.
309
00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:04,126
It's not my fault nobody's hooking up.
Just fucking kiss each other.
310
00:16:04,209 --> 00:16:07,668
I mean, loosen up, lick your lips.
311
00:16:07,751 --> 00:16:11,126
Jay, why did you invite all these people
to our hookup spot?
312
00:16:11,209 --> 00:16:13,043
Nick said I could keep the robe.
313
00:16:13,126 --> 00:16:18,043
And the silk gives me what I've taken
to calling an "infinity boner."
314
00:16:18,126 --> 00:16:21,334
Andrew, first off,
I love, love, love the robe.
315
00:16:21,418 --> 00:16:23,751
But I thought we were gonna get freaky.
316
00:16:23,834 --> 00:16:25,709
And there's all these weird people here,
317
00:16:25,793 --> 00:16:27,959
and they're not even hooking up
or anything.
318
00:16:28,043 --> 00:16:29,668
Maybe we should just call it.
319
00:16:29,751 --> 00:16:31,293
Uh, quick. You're losing her.
320
00:16:31,376 --> 00:16:32,793
Okay. Here we go.
321
00:16:32,876 --> 00:16:34,168
Halloween costumes.
322
00:16:34,251 --> 00:16:36,751
Hey, I'm Luke Skywalker.
323
00:16:36,834 --> 00:16:39,293
Wanna be my sister, who I kiss?
324
00:16:39,376 --> 00:16:40,584
Eh, not really.
325
00:16:40,668 --> 00:16:42,918
Yeah, I'm more into cousins anyway.
326
00:16:43,001 --> 00:16:46,626
Ugh, Rick, how am I supposed to hook up
if everyone's hiding in the corner?
327
00:16:46,709 --> 00:16:49,668
Someone needs to make out
and change that vibe, baby.
328
00:16:49,751 --> 00:16:52,959
Ooh, why don't you go flirt
with that sexy green girl?
329
00:16:53,043 --> 00:16:54,584
You mean that old Christmas tree?
330
00:16:54,668 --> 00:16:57,334
Hey, Greeny,
what do you say we go into that closet
331
00:16:57,418 --> 00:16:59,918
and I'll show you my little lump of coal.
332
00:17:03,251 --> 00:17:05,543
-Hello?
-Diane, it's Barbara.
333
00:17:05,626 --> 00:17:06,584
I can't find Andrew.
334
00:17:06,668 --> 00:17:08,834
I'm assuming
he was taken by a creep to Europe,
335
00:17:08,918 --> 00:17:10,626
but I wanted to check with you first.
336
00:17:10,709 --> 00:17:12,043
Andrew's fine, Barbara.
337
00:17:12,126 --> 00:17:13,918
He's here, at our hookup house.
338
00:17:14,001 --> 00:17:15,001
-Hookup house?
-What?
339
00:17:15,084 --> 00:17:18,626
Oh, the kids from school are all
making out together upstairs in the attic.
340
00:17:18,709 --> 00:17:20,751
Andrew's at a soo-soo party?
341
00:17:20,834 --> 00:17:22,501
What's a soo-soo party?
342
00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:26,293
Unmitigated depravity. Cocaine.
Squirting. Necrophilia.
343
00:17:26,376 --> 00:17:27,334
I'll call you back.
344
00:17:27,418 --> 00:17:29,876
The boy's probably mounting
a corpse right now!
345
00:17:29,959 --> 00:17:30,793
Where are we going?
346
00:17:30,876 --> 00:17:33,501
-You've unleashed a monster on this town.
-Oh God.
347
00:17:33,584 --> 00:17:35,793
And now, we must kill our son.
348
00:17:35,876 --> 00:17:37,959
Can't we just cut off his hands?
349
00:17:38,793 --> 00:17:40,793
-Hey, what can I say?
-Oh.
350
00:17:40,876 --> 00:17:44,459
-Oh God.
-Woof. This is very sad.
351
00:17:44,543 --> 00:17:45,918
And Elijah isn't even here.
352
00:17:46,001 --> 00:17:47,626
What a fucking clit tease.
353
00:17:47,709 --> 00:17:50,626
Come on, Jessi.
Let's go hunting for Judd's dick.
354
00:17:50,709 --> 00:17:54,043
Ooh, good call. Now, where would I be
if I were Judd's dick?
355
00:17:54,126 --> 00:17:56,001
Oh, hello, Maurice.
356
00:17:56,084 --> 00:17:57,084
Hello, Constance.
357
00:17:57,168 --> 00:17:59,418
I see you're still fat with child.
358
00:17:59,501 --> 00:18:02,876
I see you're still adamantly opposed
to being a sweet mommy.
359
00:18:02,959 --> 00:18:04,334
That is correct.
360
00:18:04,418 --> 00:18:07,209
Now, if you'll excuse us,
this party sucks.
361
00:18:07,293 --> 00:18:09,668
Hot tip, Nick.
Next time you throw a sex party,
362
00:18:09,751 --> 00:18:11,376
be sure to include the sex.
363
00:18:11,459 --> 00:18:13,459
And the party, if I am being honest.
364
00:18:13,543 --> 00:18:15,168
Yeah, I thought by 8:30,
365
00:18:15,251 --> 00:18:17,376
I'd be tongue-deep
in someone else's throat.
366
00:18:17,459 --> 00:18:18,584
Well, that's curious
367
00:18:18,668 --> 00:18:23,376
because my throat has been searching
for a tongue all evening long.
368
00:18:23,459 --> 00:18:25,293
Should I go for Lola?
369
00:18:25,376 --> 00:18:27,584
Yeah, man, she seems down to brown.
370
00:18:27,668 --> 00:18:31,001
And if I kiss her
then maybe it'll get the party started.
371
00:18:31,084 --> 00:18:32,668
And then everyone will start kissing.
372
00:18:32,751 --> 00:18:34,626
And then everyone will start kissing me.
373
00:18:34,709 --> 00:18:38,834
And then, maybe
they'll hold a PTA meeting about you.
374
00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:40,168
Yeah, that's the dream.
375
00:18:40,251 --> 00:18:44,584
Okay, Bernie. This one you'll like
'cause I know you're a Richard Gere-head.
376
00:18:44,668 --> 00:18:47,168
Yeah, uh, doy.
I wanna eat his silver hair.
377
00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:51,251
So it's safe to assume you're familiar
with the film Pretty Woman?
378
00:18:51,334 --> 00:18:54,209
-Whoa, mama.
Jumping Julia Roberts.
379
00:18:54,293 --> 00:18:56,876
That was Diane's Halloween costume
when you were six.
380
00:18:56,959 --> 00:19:01,918
I wouldn't mind seeing your plumpy rumpy
in that hot little sex worker's uniform.
381
00:19:02,001 --> 00:19:02,959
Really?
382
00:19:03,043 --> 00:19:04,459
Maury, this is crazy, right?
383
00:19:04,543 --> 00:19:06,709
I mean, and I don't know
if I have the body for this.
384
00:19:06,793 --> 00:19:09,293
Come on, give the lady what she wants,
385
00:19:09,376 --> 00:19:13,293
a pear-shaped boy
in a Lycra dress with cutouts.
386
00:19:14,876 --> 00:19:17,834
Whew, okay. So I knock on Judd's door,
and then what?
387
00:19:17,918 --> 00:19:20,834
You say,
"Sorry, I thought this was the kitchen."
388
00:19:20,918 --> 00:19:24,626
"But while I'm here,
might I snack on that ass?"
389
00:19:24,709 --> 00:19:27,168
Holy shit, Connie, my heart is racing.
390
00:19:27,251 --> 00:19:31,043
Me too. I can't believe
we're about to eat ass for the first time.
391
00:19:31,126 --> 00:19:32,501
Um, hello?
392
00:19:32,584 --> 00:19:34,834
-Oh.
-Oh shit.
393
00:19:34,918 --> 00:19:37,084
-Cass, who is it?
-Some little girl.
394
00:19:37,168 --> 00:19:38,709
-Are you okay, honey?
-Uh…
395
00:19:38,793 --> 00:19:40,668
Do you know your mommy's phone number?
396
00:19:40,751 --> 00:19:42,376
Connie, I'm gonna cry.
397
00:19:42,459 --> 00:19:44,418
Oh, hey, Nick's friend, Jessi.
398
00:19:44,501 --> 00:19:47,043
Oh my God, is this Klepto Baby?
399
00:19:47,126 --> 00:19:48,626
Yeah. What do you need, kid?
400
00:19:48,709 --> 00:19:52,251
I was just looking for, um… for Nick.
401
00:19:52,334 --> 00:19:53,751
So sorry.
402
00:19:53,834 --> 00:19:55,834
I gotta go. What the fuck?
403
00:19:55,918 --> 00:19:59,168
Oh shit, Klepto Baby,
you're pissing your diaper.
404
00:19:59,251 --> 00:20:00,501
Jesus.
405
00:20:00,584 --> 00:20:03,876
I knew this was a bad idea, Connie.
Connie?
406
00:20:03,959 --> 00:20:09,584
Oh no. I made a brown bubble bath
in my dirty diapey doo-doo.
407
00:20:12,543 --> 00:20:16,293
Nick, baby,
smooch down on that sexy sheepdog.
408
00:20:16,376 --> 00:20:18,418
So, uh, Lola…
409
00:20:18,501 --> 00:20:22,126
Enough chit-chat, Birch.
Let's fucking suck face.
410
00:20:25,209 --> 00:20:27,834
Devon, Lola's winning. Come here.
411
00:20:30,209 --> 00:20:32,418
I guess everyone's doing it?
412
00:20:33,793 --> 00:20:35,626
That salt and pepper tickles.
413
00:20:35,709 --> 00:20:38,793
I'm going to sink my canines
into your fleshy arm.
414
00:20:38,876 --> 00:20:43,209
So, should we get each other hard
on a pile of Nick's old baby clothes?
415
00:20:43,293 --> 00:20:45,751
Ugh, sure. I guess I'll just close my eyes
416
00:20:45,834 --> 00:20:49,293
and pretend we're not surrounded
by humping children.
417
00:20:49,376 --> 00:20:52,668
Aw, Nick's baby shoes are adorable.
418
00:20:52,751 --> 00:20:54,709
Too bad they're filled with rat turds.
419
00:20:54,793 --> 00:20:56,334
Eh, fuck it, I'll take them anyway.
420
00:20:57,626 --> 00:20:59,043
Oh, look, it's the Gloubermans.
421
00:20:59,126 --> 00:21:00,876
Out of the way, Dr. Sicko.
422
00:21:00,959 --> 00:21:04,209
If our kids are making out,
it should be in secrecy and in shame.
423
00:21:04,293 --> 00:21:05,459
Marty, wait.
424
00:21:09,501 --> 00:21:10,668
It's all happening, Rick.
425
00:21:10,751 --> 00:21:14,043
The hookup house,
it's just like the dream, kind of.
426
00:21:15,084 --> 00:21:17,418
Oh shit, Lola. Are you crying under there?
427
00:21:17,501 --> 00:21:18,793
I'm sorry, Nick.
428
00:21:18,876 --> 00:21:21,418
I really wanted to french someone,
429
00:21:21,501 --> 00:21:24,793
just not a big-head loser like you.
430
00:21:24,876 --> 00:21:25,709
I'm sorry, what?
431
00:21:25,793 --> 00:21:27,626
I wanted a rebound hookup,
432
00:21:27,709 --> 00:21:30,251
but I could do so much better.
433
00:21:30,334 --> 00:21:31,959
-You know that, right?
-Uh…
434
00:21:32,043 --> 00:21:34,251
I need you to say it, Nick.
I could do better.
435
00:21:34,334 --> 00:21:37,709
-Uh, you could do better?
-No, that feels hollow.
436
00:21:37,793 --> 00:21:39,834
Goddamn soo-soo…
437
00:21:39,918 --> 00:21:40,876
You open that door now.
438
00:21:40,959 --> 00:21:43,334
I'm sorry,
but I can't let you go up there, Marty.
439
00:21:43,418 --> 00:21:46,043
Please, just let us take our pervert
and go home.
440
00:21:46,126 --> 00:21:47,043
That's it, Birch.
441
00:21:47,126 --> 00:21:48,751
Your penis or your door?
442
00:21:48,834 --> 00:21:52,376
I'm not sure what you're talking about,
but the answer is… my penis.
443
00:21:52,459 --> 00:21:54,876
That goddamn door is coming down.
444
00:21:55,501 --> 00:21:59,001
-Okay, get your checkbook out, Mr. Gere,
445
00:21:59,084 --> 00:22:02,709
because this pretty woman
needs some new clothes.
446
00:22:02,793 --> 00:22:06,001
-All right. Where's my disgusting son?
-Oh my God.
447
00:22:06,084 --> 00:22:08,001
Oh shit. My mommy and daddy are here.
448
00:22:08,084 --> 00:22:11,251
That's it. I'm finishing the mohel's job.
Get your--
449
00:22:11,334 --> 00:22:12,418
Marty, no.
450
00:22:12,501 --> 00:22:14,668
Run, you hot little cupcake.
451
00:22:17,334 --> 00:22:19,584
-Oh, my baby.
452
00:22:19,668 --> 00:22:20,501
Oh, Andrew.
453
00:22:20,584 --> 00:22:22,876
Is that my Pretty Woman costume?
454
00:22:22,959 --> 00:22:25,626
Oh, sweetie,
you make a beautiful sex worker.
455
00:22:25,709 --> 00:22:27,293
Thank you, Dr. Birch.
456
00:22:27,376 --> 00:22:30,459
-Now, can we please go to your house?
457
00:22:30,543 --> 00:22:32,959
Yes. Yes, we can.
458
00:22:35,126 --> 00:22:40,709
Well, well, well, look who accepted
my follow request. Little Mel Gibson.
459
00:22:40,793 --> 00:22:43,751
Let's see where that no-show fuck machine
was tonight.
460
00:22:43,834 --> 00:22:45,084
Wait a minute.
461
00:22:45,168 --> 00:22:47,126
-He was at church?
-Church?
462
00:22:47,209 --> 00:22:49,918
Wow, he's really religious.
463
00:22:50,001 --> 00:22:50,959
That's…
464
00:22:51,043 --> 00:22:55,793
Really fucking hot, baby.
He's forbidden fruit.
465
00:22:55,876 --> 00:22:59,334
I know. I feel like Fleabag
going after the hot priest.
466
00:23:04,168 --> 00:23:07,668
Okay. Before we go in,
you have a leaf in your hair.
467
00:23:07,751 --> 00:23:09,209
And a feather. And a rock.
468
00:23:09,293 --> 00:23:11,334
I know. A bird is building a nest there.
469
00:23:11,418 --> 00:23:13,543
Don't worry, Matt, they're gonna love him,
470
00:23:13,626 --> 00:23:15,668
unless they're still super Christian.
471
00:23:16,334 --> 00:23:19,168
-Uh, hey, guys, you remember Jay?
-Hello.
472
00:23:19,251 --> 00:23:21,584
Of course. The magic man, right?
473
00:23:21,668 --> 00:23:23,543
Wow, Mr. and Mrs. Matthew,
474
00:23:23,626 --> 00:23:26,501
your family looks like
a commercial for happiness.
475
00:23:26,584 --> 00:23:29,834
Why, thank you, Jay.
You're such a sweet boy.
476
00:23:29,918 --> 00:23:33,668
Actually, guys, Jay is more than a boy.
He's my…
477
00:23:33,751 --> 00:23:35,418
Yes?
478
00:23:35,501 --> 00:23:36,626
He's my boyfriend.
479
00:23:37,293 --> 00:23:38,293
Oh.
480
00:23:38,376 --> 00:23:41,168
Well, that's great.
481
00:23:41,251 --> 00:23:42,501
I'm fine.
482
00:23:42,584 --> 00:23:45,001
Okay. Take it easy, Kimberly.
483
00:23:45,084 --> 00:23:47,918
I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm laughing.
484
00:23:48,001 --> 00:23:50,418
I guess I'm just so super fine
with everything.
485
00:23:50,501 --> 00:23:54,209
Uh, Matthew, your mother and I
have been watching Will & Grace.
486
00:23:54,293 --> 00:23:56,751
Kimberly, this reminds me
of when Will dated
487
00:23:56,834 --> 00:23:58,084
that nice police officer.
488
00:23:58,168 --> 00:24:01,751
Oh yeah, Will & Grace.
They're so funny. I love Karen.
489
00:24:01,834 --> 00:24:04,418
-Okay.
-You're like a police officer, Jay.
490
00:24:04,501 --> 00:24:08,709
Well, I promise to protect and serve
all of your son's holes.
491
00:24:08,793 --> 00:24:12,001
Ice cream.
Hey, somebody want some ice cream?
492
00:24:12,084 --> 00:24:16,834
I'll get some ice cream
for my son and his boyfriend.
493
00:24:16,918 --> 00:24:18,084
I'm fine.
494
00:24:18,168 --> 00:24:21,584
I personally think that went
about as well as it could have.
495
00:24:21,668 --> 00:24:22,668
I think you're right.
496
00:24:22,751 --> 00:24:25,293
You know, boys, I would kiss Taye Diggs.
497
00:24:25,376 --> 00:24:27,126
Sir, I would watch that.
498
00:24:27,209 --> 00:24:29,709
Oh, that was humiliating and a disaster,
499
00:24:29,793 --> 00:24:32,543
but it still counts as a hookup,
right, Duke?
500
00:24:32,626 --> 00:24:34,418
Nick, when are you gonna learn?
501
00:24:34,501 --> 00:24:37,668
It's not the amount of people
you hook up with that makes you a man.
502
00:24:41,918 --> 00:24:44,251
-Hey, Nick, bad news, man.
503
00:24:44,334 --> 00:24:47,501
Turns out Greeny's a racist
and an anti-Semite.
504
00:24:47,584 --> 00:24:50,293
I only knew her
from her previous work as a tree.
505
00:24:52,918 --> 00:24:54,876
-Oh, hey, Bernie.
-Hey, Andrew.
506
00:24:54,959 --> 00:24:58,709
Did you see it when I fell down
a flight of stairs, farting all the way?
507
00:24:58,793 --> 00:25:01,126
Yeah, someone held up the iPad
so I could see.
508
00:25:01,209 --> 00:25:04,001
And I guess
now you want nothing to do with me?
509
00:25:04,084 --> 00:25:08,084
Oh, please. If I had a dime
for every time I tumble-tooted,
510
00:25:08,168 --> 00:25:10,501
I'd be able to cancel
everyone's student debt.
511
00:25:10,584 --> 00:25:14,668
Andrew, this girl seems to like you
for who you really are.
512
00:25:14,751 --> 00:25:16,584
I know. This is unprecedented.
513
00:25:16,668 --> 00:25:21,626
Hey, Bernie, do you think maybe
you might wanna be my girlfriend?
514
00:25:21,709 --> 00:25:24,543
Uh, do I fart
every time I pull up my socks?
515
00:25:24,626 --> 00:25:25,543
God, I hope so.
516
00:25:25,626 --> 00:25:27,626
I do, Andrew. Every time.
517
00:25:27,709 --> 00:25:28,709
-Oh.
518
00:25:28,793 --> 00:25:30,126
This is nice.
519
00:25:30,209 --> 00:25:32,626
Ooh, ooh. The baby, it's jerking off.
520
00:25:32,709 --> 00:25:34,709
Andrew, put your hand on my belly.
521
00:25:35,209 --> 00:25:36,501
You know what? Never mind.
522
00:25:36,584 --> 00:25:38,709
Oh, you finished, didn't you?
523
00:25:38,793 --> 00:25:41,501
I guess we both need a cigarette now.