1 00:00:12,584 --> 00:00:17,418 Oh, Maury, I can't get Bernie Sanders off my mind. 2 00:00:17,501 --> 00:00:22,918 Oh, you came so close to touching her sweet socialist sweater sausages. 3 00:00:23,001 --> 00:00:25,418 Ew. They're not sausages. Come on. What's the matter with you? 4 00:00:25,501 --> 00:00:28,543 Oh, I'm sorry, I think it's the pregnancy hormones. 5 00:00:28,626 --> 00:00:31,251 And maybe the stress of Connie not wanting the baby. 6 00:00:31,334 --> 00:00:33,959 Okay, wow. That's a lot of information. 7 00:00:34,043 --> 00:00:36,043 I guess people really need to watch the spin-off. 8 00:00:36,126 --> 00:00:38,001 Yeah, they watched it. You didn't watch it? 9 00:00:38,084 --> 00:00:40,584 I can't watch shows with my friends in them. It just takes me out. 10 00:00:40,668 --> 00:00:41,584 Hey, Andrew! 11 00:00:41,668 --> 00:00:44,501 Get out there and shovel the driveway before it stops snowing. 12 00:00:44,584 --> 00:00:47,084 Can't you just hire someone with a snowplow? 13 00:00:47,168 --> 00:00:50,668 You're my snowplow! I already pay you in dinner! 14 00:00:50,751 --> 00:00:52,126 Brittany, your turn. 15 00:00:52,209 --> 00:00:54,918 Fuck Brittany, and fuck these board games! 16 00:00:55,001 --> 00:00:57,793 We've been snowed in with your family for two weeks. 17 00:00:57,876 --> 00:01:01,751 I know. It feels like a million years since Jay's long tongue was in my mouth. 18 00:01:01,834 --> 00:01:03,168 So fucking long. 19 00:01:03,251 --> 00:01:05,209 I just wanna see him so bad. 20 00:01:05,293 --> 00:01:06,834 It makes me wanna… wanna… 21 00:01:06,918 --> 00:01:08,126 Kill your whole family? 22 00:01:08,209 --> 00:01:09,918 No, it makes me wanna sing. 23 00:01:10,001 --> 00:01:12,043 Oh, fuck yeah. I love that idea. 24 00:03:24,584 --> 00:03:25,709 There he is, Maury. 25 00:03:25,793 --> 00:03:27,876 -He's even hotter than I remember. -Matthew. 26 00:03:27,959 --> 00:03:31,293 Go to him. Lasso him with your dick and pin him down with your tongue. 27 00:03:31,376 --> 00:03:33,418 Get out. Look out. Ah! 28 00:03:33,501 --> 00:03:36,959 Holy shit, I'm so fucking horny for you. 29 00:03:37,959 --> 00:03:42,001 Oh, what I wouldn't give to attack Bernie Sanders just like that. 30 00:03:42,084 --> 00:03:43,751 Andrew, don't use the word "attack." 31 00:03:43,834 --> 00:03:46,459 But I know what you mean. I'm feeling kinda randy. 32 00:03:46,543 --> 00:03:49,751 I guess it's because I'm, like, becoming a big, studly man too. 33 00:03:49,834 --> 00:03:55,334 Oh yeah, my man's got a hard little piece of chalk in his panties. 34 00:03:55,418 --> 00:03:56,251 Ow! 35 00:03:56,334 --> 00:03:58,709 You know what? I'm gonna text Bernie right now. 36 00:03:58,793 --> 00:04:00,959 "Dear Sugarpuss…" 37 00:04:01,043 --> 00:04:04,168 -Whoa. -I know. Pretty erotic, right? 38 00:04:04,251 --> 00:04:08,751 Oh God. It's so hot how smooth and clean your teeth are. 39 00:04:08,834 --> 00:04:10,751 It's like kissing a dentist. 40 00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,918 Oh yeah, we needed that. 41 00:04:13,001 --> 00:04:14,418 We really did. 42 00:04:14,501 --> 00:04:16,251 Wait. Maury, are you smoking? 43 00:04:16,334 --> 00:04:18,668 Oh yeah, for hormone monsters, smoking is-- 44 00:04:20,251 --> 00:04:21,709 It's actually very good for the baby. 45 00:04:21,793 --> 00:04:22,834 Ooh! Hey, Matthew. 46 00:04:22,918 --> 00:04:26,543 Maybe after school, we could go back to your place 47 00:04:26,626 --> 00:04:29,084 and I could "shovel your driveway." 48 00:04:29,168 --> 00:04:31,251 I don't know what that means, but I want it. 49 00:04:31,334 --> 00:04:34,376 Are you kidding? It's one thing to come out to my devout family. 50 00:04:34,459 --> 00:04:36,793 It's a whole other thing to bring my boyfriend home. 51 00:04:36,876 --> 00:04:38,793 Oh, come on, they already know you're gay. 52 00:04:38,876 --> 00:04:41,126 Now it's time to rub their faces in it. 53 00:04:41,209 --> 00:04:43,418 No. My mom and I are finally talking again. 54 00:04:43,501 --> 00:04:46,043 -I don't wanna rock the boat. -All right. 55 00:04:46,126 --> 00:04:49,876 Um, Jay, maybe we could find a more private place to hook up. 56 00:04:49,959 --> 00:04:52,584 Oh yeah, sure. Like an empty septic tank? 57 00:04:52,668 --> 00:04:54,584 -Uh, less private than that. -Oh, I got it. 58 00:04:54,668 --> 00:04:56,876 My pants car has finally thawed out from that snowbank. 59 00:04:56,959 --> 00:04:59,793 I could lay you down on a bed of denim 60 00:04:59,876 --> 00:05:02,376 and worship your body for free. 61 00:05:02,459 --> 00:05:06,251 -That actually sounds… pretty great. -I know. 62 00:05:06,334 --> 00:05:10,459 I bet you think it bothers me that Jay picked Matthew over me. 63 00:05:10,543 --> 00:05:11,709 Oh. Are you talking to us? 64 00:05:11,793 --> 00:05:14,543 Sweetie, I'm talking to anybody who will listen. 65 00:05:14,626 --> 00:05:17,668 -Is that Andrew? -Lola, what happened to your bangs? 66 00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:18,834 Oh my God, thank you. 67 00:05:18,918 --> 00:05:20,751 It's a new year, so it's a new me. 68 00:05:20,834 --> 00:05:24,293 And while I was not asked to sing in the opening number, 69 00:05:24,376 --> 00:05:27,418 I, too, am as horny as my bangs are long. 70 00:05:27,501 --> 00:05:29,043 Hey, Lola, we're twins. 71 00:05:29,126 --> 00:05:31,168 I grew out my bangs too. 72 00:05:31,251 --> 00:05:32,543 My nose bangs. 73 00:05:32,626 --> 00:05:35,751 My lips are too shy to be nudie. 74 00:05:37,209 --> 00:05:39,793 Missy, why do all the guys at our school suck? 75 00:05:39,876 --> 00:05:43,168 Yeah, this bakery is fresh out of stud muffins. 76 00:05:43,251 --> 00:05:45,668 You know who doesn't suck? Judd. 77 00:05:47,084 --> 00:05:51,876 He's a man with a motor vehicle and a license to kill… that pussy. 78 00:05:51,959 --> 00:05:54,293 As much as I would love for him to murder my vagina, 79 00:05:54,376 --> 00:05:56,126 it's never gonna happen. 80 00:05:56,209 --> 00:05:57,376 He's too old for me. 81 00:05:57,459 --> 00:06:00,543 Oh, Missy. Stud muffin, hot out of the oven, four o'clock. 82 00:06:00,626 --> 00:06:01,751 Oh yeah, he's cute. 83 00:06:01,834 --> 00:06:04,709 Hey, Jessi, who's that dirty little danish over there? 84 00:06:04,793 --> 00:06:06,709 Him? I think he's just an extra. 85 00:06:06,793 --> 00:06:09,543 See how he's just standing there and, like, blinking occasionally? 86 00:06:09,626 --> 00:06:11,709 He can't be an extra. We're talking about him. 87 00:06:11,793 --> 00:06:13,751 Yeah. What's his deal? 88 00:06:13,834 --> 00:06:16,918 I bet he sleeps nude in an RV on the beach, 89 00:06:17,001 --> 00:06:20,168 with an ashtray in his bed and an angry dog by his side. 90 00:06:20,251 --> 00:06:22,251 What is that? Is that from something? 91 00:06:22,334 --> 00:06:23,959 It's Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon. 92 00:06:24,043 --> 00:06:25,418 Oh, okay. 93 00:06:25,501 --> 00:06:28,918 I only know him from his work as a racist and an anti-Semite. 94 00:06:29,001 --> 00:06:31,501 Well, he used to be an actor too. 95 00:06:32,084 --> 00:06:34,001 We got too much mail today. 96 00:06:34,084 --> 00:06:35,001 I'm sorry, Marty. 97 00:06:36,084 --> 00:06:39,834 Maury, Bernie Sanders replied to my text. She wants to Zoom. 98 00:06:39,918 --> 00:06:43,293 Yeah, let's go upstairs and Zoom-Zoom from your room-room. 99 00:06:43,376 --> 00:06:46,168 Where do you think you're going, you number one pervert? 100 00:06:46,251 --> 00:06:48,418 Oh, I think I left the light on in my room. 101 00:06:48,501 --> 00:06:50,209 -Even though nobody's up there. -What? 102 00:06:50,293 --> 00:06:52,084 But that's fine, right? I should leave it. 103 00:06:52,168 --> 00:06:53,001 What're you nuts?! 104 00:06:53,084 --> 00:06:55,334 Turn it off before I stab you in the eye with this fork. 105 00:06:55,418 --> 00:06:57,668 Like taking candy from a baby. 106 00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,751 Looks like it's just you and me. 107 00:06:59,834 --> 00:07:02,834 I think I might have left the light on in the garage. 108 00:07:02,918 --> 00:07:05,001 You too? Go! Get outta here! 109 00:07:05,084 --> 00:07:07,418 Like taking candy from a baby. 110 00:07:07,501 --> 00:07:09,751 Everybody's stupid but me. 111 00:07:09,834 --> 00:07:11,418 Mm. 112 00:07:13,543 --> 00:07:15,876 Ultimate boner achieved. 113 00:07:15,959 --> 00:07:17,793 Oh, this is the dream. 114 00:07:17,876 --> 00:07:21,126 A horny robot boyfriend with his own pants car. 115 00:07:21,209 --> 00:07:24,876 Robo-Jay requires more tongue action. 116 00:07:26,168 --> 00:07:27,751 Uh, is the car moving? 117 00:07:27,834 --> 00:07:30,834 Oh, sweet Matthew, I think that's just my dick. 118 00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:33,751 No, Jay. We're rolling towards the edge of the cliff. 119 00:07:33,834 --> 00:07:35,959 -Holy shit. -Oh fuck! 120 00:07:36,043 --> 00:07:39,293 -The brakes don't work. -Neither do the doors. We're gonna die. 121 00:07:40,918 --> 00:07:41,834 Oh God! 122 00:07:41,918 --> 00:07:44,709 Initiating life-saving mode. 123 00:07:46,293 --> 00:07:47,209 No. 124 00:07:48,626 --> 00:07:50,793 Holy shit. We're alive. 125 00:07:50,876 --> 00:07:52,168 Oh no! My pants car! 126 00:07:52,251 --> 00:07:55,834 Matthew, your denim-stuffed cum chariot is destroyed. 127 00:07:55,918 --> 00:07:57,918 Shit, where are we gonna hook up now? 128 00:07:58,001 --> 00:08:00,959 At least my kerosene-soaked fireworks are okay. 129 00:08:01,043 --> 00:08:02,459 Oh, come on! 130 00:08:02,543 --> 00:08:06,668 I was saving those for our one-month anniversary. 131 00:08:07,293 --> 00:08:10,668 Oh man, she's connecting to computer audio. 132 00:08:10,751 --> 00:08:12,251 -Hey, Andrew. -Bernie. 133 00:08:12,334 --> 00:08:14,709 I know it's only been a few weeks, but I miss you so much. 134 00:08:14,793 --> 00:08:17,626 Me too. I just wanna sneak up behind you and attack you. 135 00:08:17,709 --> 00:08:19,626 Yes, I feel the same way. 136 00:08:19,709 --> 00:08:23,376 I can't stop thinking about the last time we were together. We came so close to-- 137 00:08:23,459 --> 00:08:25,126 Fondling each other's breasts? 138 00:08:25,209 --> 00:08:27,209 Yeah, that's exactly what I was gonna say. 139 00:08:27,293 --> 00:08:30,376 But, um, I don't know, maybe we should try again right now? 140 00:08:30,459 --> 00:08:31,376 What do you mean? 141 00:08:31,459 --> 00:08:34,876 Like, you squeeze your boobs and I squeeze mine? 142 00:08:34,959 --> 00:08:36,501 Ooh, I like it. 143 00:08:36,584 --> 00:08:38,293 Oh, that feels nice. 144 00:08:42,043 --> 00:08:44,501 Should we maybe take off our shirts? 145 00:08:44,584 --> 00:08:46,584 Okay. This is gonna be over in about 45 seconds. 146 00:08:46,668 --> 00:08:48,709 Holy shit. I mean, yeah. 147 00:08:48,793 --> 00:08:50,209 I'm gonna take off my shirt 148 00:08:50,293 --> 00:08:53,043 so you can see my Jewish fucking torso. 149 00:08:53,126 --> 00:08:55,459 -Yes, you-- Oh. Andrew? -Oh, you like that? 150 00:08:55,543 --> 00:08:56,626 -Andrew. -Excuse me? 151 00:08:56,709 --> 00:08:59,668 Because this little whore is just getting started, baby. 152 00:08:59,751 --> 00:09:01,126 Andrew, what is happening? 153 00:09:01,209 --> 00:09:02,709 Oh shit! Mom. 154 00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:04,876 Just keep going. We'll deal with the fallout later. 155 00:09:04,959 --> 00:09:06,584 What's that nympho doing now? 156 00:09:06,668 --> 00:09:07,751 Why is your shirt off? 157 00:09:07,834 --> 00:09:09,626 Why are you on Zoom? 158 00:09:09,709 --> 00:09:11,709 -It's the family account. -That's it. 159 00:09:11,793 --> 00:09:13,876 We can't trust you with your own penis. 160 00:09:13,959 --> 00:09:15,543 Oh God. What does that mean? 161 00:09:15,626 --> 00:09:18,584 Your pecker or your door? One of them's getting removed. 162 00:09:18,668 --> 00:09:19,584 -The door. The door. 163 00:09:19,668 --> 00:09:21,084 -The goddamn door. -The door? 164 00:09:21,168 --> 00:09:23,959 Let's see if you like molesting yourself with an audience. 165 00:09:24,043 --> 00:09:26,251 Oh yeah, he quite enjoys that, yes. 166 00:09:26,334 --> 00:09:28,876 Okay, careful. One more step. 167 00:09:28,959 --> 00:09:30,251 Ta-da! 168 00:09:30,334 --> 00:09:32,584 -Uh, Jay, where are we? -Nick's attic. 169 00:09:32,668 --> 00:09:36,626 I know you wanted me to find a new hookup place, and this is perfect. 170 00:09:36,709 --> 00:09:38,334 It's dark. It's private, 171 00:09:38,418 --> 00:09:42,168 and it stinks really good, like the gym locker room. 172 00:09:42,251 --> 00:09:45,418 -Jayzarian Rickflairian Bilzerian. -Woo! 173 00:09:45,501 --> 00:09:46,459 What are you doing here? 174 00:09:46,543 --> 00:09:50,293 Well, the ghost of Duke Ellington, this is my new boyfriend, Matthew. 175 00:09:50,376 --> 00:09:51,209 Hey, Matt. 176 00:09:51,293 --> 00:09:54,959 Turns out we can't hardcore french each other's bods at either of our houses 177 00:09:55,043 --> 00:09:56,876 'cause our families are germophobic. 178 00:09:56,959 --> 00:09:58,959 I think what Jay means is "homophobic." 179 00:09:59,043 --> 00:10:02,334 Oh no, my dad actually considers me to be a virus. 180 00:10:03,709 --> 00:10:05,959 Uh, Jay, is he gonna be here the whole time, or-- 181 00:10:06,043 --> 00:10:07,584 No, I'm not some creep. 182 00:10:07,668 --> 00:10:10,293 I'm gonna go watch Elliot and Diane fuck. 183 00:10:10,376 --> 00:10:14,251 -Okay. -Elliot weeps when he cums. 184 00:10:15,501 --> 00:10:18,418 Well? What do you think? Pretty great, huh? 185 00:10:18,501 --> 00:10:22,834 Well, it's either this stinky attic or your mom's Jesus-y house. 186 00:10:22,918 --> 00:10:25,084 I can make this work. 187 00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:26,918 Mm. 188 00:10:27,001 --> 00:10:28,001 Yeah. 189 00:10:28,084 --> 00:10:29,918 What the fuck, Jay? 190 00:10:30,001 --> 00:10:31,543 You hooked up at my house? 191 00:10:31,626 --> 00:10:32,709 Oh yeah, baby. 192 00:10:32,793 --> 00:10:34,584 I also watched you sleep 193 00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:37,876 -in your little boy, bacon-and-egg PJs. -What? 194 00:10:37,959 --> 00:10:41,001 Andrew, you should use Nick's attic to hook up with Bernie. 195 00:10:41,084 --> 00:10:44,418 Your psycho dad won't be there with his castrating screwdriver. 196 00:10:44,501 --> 00:10:47,334 Ooh, Nick, what kind of Wi-Fi do you have in your attic? 197 00:10:47,418 --> 00:10:50,584 Do you think you have the bandwidth to broadcast this fat ass? 198 00:10:50,668 --> 00:10:54,834 No. I don't want anyone hooking up in my house, especially if I'm not. 199 00:10:54,918 --> 00:10:58,084 Missy, there he is. Little Mel Gibson. 200 00:10:58,168 --> 00:11:01,126 Uh, I do think we should talk about the nickname. Ooh. 201 00:11:01,209 --> 00:11:02,793 -Oh. -I'm sorry, uh… 202 00:11:02,876 --> 00:11:05,709 I'm Missy. And your name is? Tell me now. Your name? 203 00:11:05,793 --> 00:11:08,043 -Elijah. I just moved here from Virginia. -Oh. 204 00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:10,584 Virginia. That sounds like vagina, 205 00:11:10,668 --> 00:11:13,293 -and vagina is for lovers. -Mona. 206 00:11:13,376 --> 00:11:15,626 Well, I gotta be somewhere. 207 00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:18,459 -So see you around, Missy. -Okay. 208 00:11:18,543 --> 00:11:21,751 He's so mysterious. Where do you think he's going? 209 00:11:21,834 --> 00:11:25,084 Probably to fix something with his shirt off. 210 00:11:25,168 --> 00:11:29,709 Like a motorcycle that he straddles with his ample groin. 211 00:11:29,793 --> 00:11:32,293 -Elijah! -Elijah! 212 00:11:32,876 --> 00:11:34,043 It's just so gross. 213 00:11:34,126 --> 00:11:36,876 My friends were using our attic like a cheap motel. 214 00:11:36,959 --> 00:11:37,793 Oh, Nicky. 215 00:11:37,876 --> 00:11:42,043 Clearly, your peers recognize us as a safe haven for sex positivity. 216 00:11:42,126 --> 00:11:44,168 Ew. Don't call them my peers. 217 00:11:44,251 --> 00:11:45,959 Ha, ha. You're pathetic. 218 00:11:46,043 --> 00:11:47,918 Your friends are all hooking up in your house 219 00:11:48,001 --> 00:11:50,043 while your little dick rots on the bone. 220 00:11:50,126 --> 00:11:53,709 Juddy, not everybody matures at the same rate. 221 00:11:53,793 --> 00:11:57,209 That's right. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 24, 222 00:11:57,293 --> 00:11:59,334 but then, it was straight to anal. 223 00:11:59,418 --> 00:12:01,168 Okay, guys, I'm gonna skip over the anal stuff 224 00:12:01,251 --> 00:12:04,293 and just say I've kissed my fair share of girls. It's just been a while. 225 00:12:04,376 --> 00:12:06,293 Nick, I remember when I was your age, 226 00:12:06,376 --> 00:12:08,918 Tim Pelegrin had the hookup house. 227 00:12:09,001 --> 00:12:12,793 He frenched so many girls. They had a PTA meeting about him. 228 00:12:12,876 --> 00:12:15,126 Rick, are you thinking what I'm thinking? 229 00:12:15,209 --> 00:12:16,543 That if your dick is rotting, 230 00:12:16,626 --> 00:12:19,334 we should put the rest in a banana bread before it goes bad? 231 00:12:19,418 --> 00:12:24,293 No, that having the hookup house could actually be pretty sweet. 232 00:12:26,751 --> 00:12:28,751 Great hookup house, Nick. 233 00:12:28,834 --> 00:12:30,876 Do you want to three-way make out with me and Devon? 234 00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:33,668 Absolutely, sweetheart. That's why we're here. 235 00:12:33,751 --> 00:12:36,376 No, Nick, make out with me first. 236 00:12:36,459 --> 00:12:40,168 No, Nick, we have called American dibs on your small, strong body. 237 00:12:40,251 --> 00:12:44,251 Ladies, ladies, there's enough of my small, strong body for all of you. 238 00:12:46,459 --> 00:12:49,668 Oh yeah, that is exactly what's gonna happen. 239 00:12:49,751 --> 00:12:51,668 Yeah, whose dick is rotting now? 240 00:12:51,751 --> 00:12:53,709 Mine is, baby. 241 00:12:56,418 --> 00:12:57,834 Good morning, Bridgeton Middle. 242 00:12:57,918 --> 00:12:59,043 Coming up later this hour, 243 00:12:59,126 --> 00:13:03,543 we have an exclusive with a student who saw Ms. Benitez at a laundromat. 244 00:13:03,626 --> 00:13:07,459 But first, twist, a word from our sponsors. 245 00:13:07,543 --> 00:13:12,001 Are you a local child looking for hot action? 246 00:13:12,084 --> 00:13:14,418 Hot action. 247 00:13:14,501 --> 00:13:18,793 But you live at home with your father who wants to remove your penis? 248 00:13:18,876 --> 00:13:22,001 Well, the attic of your fantasies awaits. 249 00:13:22,084 --> 00:13:24,126 The Hookup House. Hookup House. 250 00:13:25,126 --> 00:13:29,959 Dozens of dark corners to get absolutely nasty. 251 00:13:30,043 --> 00:13:31,918 Oh, nasty. 252 00:13:32,001 --> 00:13:35,751 Cocking eyebrow. Is this how Lola gets her groove back? 253 00:13:35,834 --> 00:13:38,001 -The Hookup House. Hookup House. 254 00:13:38,084 --> 00:13:41,626 Where the sex is infectious. 255 00:13:41,709 --> 00:13:43,459 Insexious. 256 00:13:43,543 --> 00:13:47,084 If you're not there, you're a total fucking loser. 257 00:13:47,168 --> 00:13:48,501 -Loser. -Loser. 258 00:13:48,584 --> 00:13:51,209 Shh! Tell everyone. 259 00:13:51,293 --> 00:13:54,668 -I am so there. -Man, that attic looks lit. 260 00:13:54,751 --> 00:13:57,709 I am a local child looking for hot action. 261 00:13:57,793 --> 00:13:59,168 Hey, Elijah. 262 00:13:59,251 --> 00:14:03,834 I just wanted to make sure you knew about the hookup house, or whatever the fuck. 263 00:14:03,918 --> 00:14:05,751 Yeah, I saw the commercial. 264 00:14:05,834 --> 00:14:06,876 Is that the kind of stuff 265 00:14:06,959 --> 00:14:09,126 you guys normally have on your morning announcements? 266 00:14:09,209 --> 00:14:10,209 Yeah, pretty standard. 267 00:14:10,293 --> 00:14:13,418 I just really didn't want you to feel excluded, 268 00:14:13,501 --> 00:14:15,876 you know, because, uh, you're new in town. 269 00:14:15,959 --> 00:14:18,001 Wow, that's really nice, Missy. Thank you. 270 00:14:18,084 --> 00:14:21,501 Okay, he is totally going to the hookup house. 271 00:14:21,584 --> 00:14:24,376 Yeah, I hear it's insexious. 272 00:14:24,459 --> 00:14:26,251 -Insexiou-- -Oh! 273 00:14:26,334 --> 00:14:28,001 Get the fuck away from me, Andrew. 274 00:14:28,084 --> 00:14:29,418 -Sorry. -Further. 275 00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:37,751 I don't know, Missy. 276 00:14:37,834 --> 00:14:39,001 Come on, Jessi. 277 00:14:39,084 --> 00:14:40,376 Everyone's there. 278 00:14:40,459 --> 00:14:42,418 And it's the attic of our fantasies. 279 00:14:42,501 --> 00:14:45,584 Also, Judd lives in that fuck palace. 280 00:14:45,668 --> 00:14:46,876 Connie, stop. 281 00:14:46,959 --> 00:14:49,584 He knows about the T-shirt and that I have a crush on him. 282 00:14:49,668 --> 00:14:51,168 It's all too humiliating. 283 00:14:51,251 --> 00:14:53,709 -But it's a hookup house. -So? 284 00:14:53,793 --> 00:14:56,959 So Judd will have to hook up with you. 285 00:14:57,043 --> 00:15:00,543 It's the rules. Picture it in your tiny mind. 286 00:15:00,626 --> 00:15:03,001 You're hot, but you're short. 287 00:15:03,084 --> 00:15:05,501 I need you to stand on my grandmother's dead skull 288 00:15:05,584 --> 00:15:07,543 -so I can tongue your throat. -Okay. 289 00:15:09,876 --> 00:15:12,126 Oh God, Connie. I want that for me. 290 00:15:12,209 --> 00:15:13,834 So let's go get it. 291 00:15:13,918 --> 00:15:16,084 Okay, Missy. It's gonna be stupid, 292 00:15:16,168 --> 00:15:18,459 but, like, I'd go, I guess, if you wanna. 293 00:15:18,543 --> 00:15:20,584 Yeah, if you're forcing me to, I guess. 294 00:15:20,668 --> 00:15:23,543 No, I'm not, like, forcing you, but if you want, let's check it out. 295 00:15:23,626 --> 00:15:26,834 -All right, I'm in, 'cause you are. -Right, same. 'Cause you are. 296 00:15:26,918 --> 00:15:30,959 Ladies, you both want some ass. Let's go. 297 00:15:32,043 --> 00:15:34,376 Lemonade? Chapstick? You might need it later. 298 00:15:34,459 --> 00:15:37,959 Dentyne Ice? Anyone? I know you're all pretty bad at flossing. 299 00:15:38,043 --> 00:15:40,668 Mom, Dad, get outta here. You're ruining the vibes. 300 00:15:40,751 --> 00:15:41,793 Okay, love you. 301 00:15:41,876 --> 00:15:44,126 Enjoy your hookup culture, everybody. 302 00:15:44,209 --> 00:15:47,709 All right now, children of the night, loosen up. 303 00:15:47,793 --> 00:15:49,084 Lick your lips. 304 00:15:49,168 --> 00:15:51,834 I don't know, Nick. This party's nothing like the commercial. 305 00:15:51,918 --> 00:15:53,334 Yeah, what gives? 306 00:15:53,418 --> 00:15:58,126 I came here to do two things. Eat some Pringles and get my body rocked. 307 00:15:58,209 --> 00:15:59,584 And it looks like… 308 00:15:59,668 --> 00:16:00,959 …we're out of Pringles. 309 00:16:01,043 --> 00:16:04,126 It's not my fault nobody's hooking up. Just fucking kiss each other. 310 00:16:04,209 --> 00:16:07,668 I mean, loosen up, lick your lips. 311 00:16:07,751 --> 00:16:11,126 Jay, why did you invite all these people to our hookup spot? 312 00:16:11,209 --> 00:16:13,043 Nick said I could keep the robe. 313 00:16:13,126 --> 00:16:18,043 And the silk gives me what I've taken to calling an "infinity boner." 314 00:16:18,126 --> 00:16:21,334 Andrew, first off, I love, love, love the robe. 315 00:16:21,418 --> 00:16:23,751 But I thought we were gonna get freaky. 316 00:16:23,834 --> 00:16:25,709 And there's all these weird people here, 317 00:16:25,793 --> 00:16:27,959 and they're not even hooking up or anything. 318 00:16:28,043 --> 00:16:29,668 Maybe we should just call it. 319 00:16:29,751 --> 00:16:31,293 Uh, quick. You're losing her. 320 00:16:31,376 --> 00:16:32,793 Okay. Here we go. 321 00:16:32,876 --> 00:16:34,168 Halloween costumes. 322 00:16:34,251 --> 00:16:36,751 Hey, I'm Luke Skywalker. 323 00:16:36,834 --> 00:16:39,293 Wanna be my sister, who I kiss? 324 00:16:39,376 --> 00:16:40,584 Eh, not really. 325 00:16:40,668 --> 00:16:42,918 Yeah, I'm more into cousins anyway. 326 00:16:43,001 --> 00:16:46,626 Ugh, Rick, how am I supposed to hook up if everyone's hiding in the corner? 327 00:16:46,709 --> 00:16:49,668 Someone needs to make out and change that vibe, baby. 328 00:16:49,751 --> 00:16:52,959 Ooh, why don't you go flirt with that sexy green girl? 329 00:16:53,043 --> 00:16:54,584 You mean that old Christmas tree? 330 00:16:54,668 --> 00:16:57,334 Hey, Greeny, what do you say we go into that closet 331 00:16:57,418 --> 00:16:59,918 and I'll show you my little lump of coal. 332 00:17:03,251 --> 00:17:05,543 -Hello? -Diane, it's Barbara. 333 00:17:05,626 --> 00:17:06,584 I can't find Andrew. 334 00:17:06,668 --> 00:17:08,834 I'm assuming he was taken by a creep to Europe, 335 00:17:08,918 --> 00:17:10,626 but I wanted to check with you first. 336 00:17:10,709 --> 00:17:12,043 Andrew's fine, Barbara. 337 00:17:12,126 --> 00:17:13,918 He's here, at our hookup house. 338 00:17:14,001 --> 00:17:15,001 -Hookup house? -What? 339 00:17:15,084 --> 00:17:18,626 Oh, the kids from school are all making out together upstairs in the attic. 340 00:17:18,709 --> 00:17:20,751 Andrew's at a soo-soo party? 341 00:17:20,834 --> 00:17:22,501 What's a soo-soo party? 342 00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:26,293 Unmitigated depravity. Cocaine. Squirting. Necrophilia. 343 00:17:26,376 --> 00:17:27,334 I'll call you back. 344 00:17:27,418 --> 00:17:29,876 The boy's probably mounting a corpse right now! 345 00:17:29,959 --> 00:17:30,793 Where are we going? 346 00:17:30,876 --> 00:17:33,501 -You've unleashed a monster on this town. -Oh God. 347 00:17:33,584 --> 00:17:35,793 And now, we must kill our son. 348 00:17:35,876 --> 00:17:37,959 Can't we just cut off his hands? 349 00:17:38,793 --> 00:17:40,793 -Hey, what can I say? -Oh. 350 00:17:40,876 --> 00:17:44,459 -Oh God. -Woof. This is very sad. 351 00:17:44,543 --> 00:17:45,918 And Elijah isn't even here. 352 00:17:46,001 --> 00:17:47,626 What a fucking clit tease. 353 00:17:47,709 --> 00:17:50,626 Come on, Jessi. Let's go hunting for Judd's dick. 354 00:17:50,709 --> 00:17:54,043 Ooh, good call. Now, where would I be if I were Judd's dick? 355 00:17:54,126 --> 00:17:56,001 Oh, hello, Maurice. 356 00:17:56,084 --> 00:17:57,084 Hello, Constance. 357 00:17:57,168 --> 00:17:59,418 I see you're still fat with child. 358 00:17:59,501 --> 00:18:02,876 I see you're still adamantly opposed to being a sweet mommy. 359 00:18:02,959 --> 00:18:04,334 That is correct. 360 00:18:04,418 --> 00:18:07,209 Now, if you'll excuse us, this party sucks. 361 00:18:07,293 --> 00:18:09,668 Hot tip, Nick. Next time you throw a sex party, 362 00:18:09,751 --> 00:18:11,376 be sure to include the sex. 363 00:18:11,459 --> 00:18:13,459 And the party, if I am being honest. 364 00:18:13,543 --> 00:18:15,168 Yeah, I thought by 8:30, 365 00:18:15,251 --> 00:18:17,376 I'd be tongue-deep in someone else's throat. 366 00:18:17,459 --> 00:18:18,584 Well, that's curious 367 00:18:18,668 --> 00:18:23,376 because my throat has been searching for a tongue all evening long. 368 00:18:23,459 --> 00:18:25,293 Should I go for Lola? 369 00:18:25,376 --> 00:18:27,584 Yeah, man, she seems down to brown. 370 00:18:27,668 --> 00:18:31,001 And if I kiss her then maybe it'll get the party started. 371 00:18:31,084 --> 00:18:32,668 And then everyone will start kissing. 372 00:18:32,751 --> 00:18:34,626 And then everyone will start kissing me. 373 00:18:34,709 --> 00:18:38,834 And then, maybe they'll hold a PTA meeting about you. 374 00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:40,168 Yeah, that's the dream. 375 00:18:40,251 --> 00:18:44,584 Okay, Bernie. This one you'll like 'cause I know you're a Richard Gere-head. 376 00:18:44,668 --> 00:18:47,168 Yeah, uh, doy. I wanna eat his silver hair. 377 00:18:47,251 --> 00:18:51,251 So it's safe to assume you're familiar with the film Pretty Woman? 378 00:18:51,334 --> 00:18:54,209 -Whoa, mama. Jumping Julia Roberts. 379 00:18:54,293 --> 00:18:56,876 That was Diane's Halloween costume when you were six. 380 00:18:56,959 --> 00:19:01,918 I wouldn't mind seeing your plumpy rumpy in that hot little sex worker's uniform. 381 00:19:02,001 --> 00:19:02,959 Really? 382 00:19:03,043 --> 00:19:04,459 Maury, this is crazy, right? 383 00:19:04,543 --> 00:19:06,709 I mean, and I don't know if I have the body for this. 384 00:19:06,793 --> 00:19:09,293 Come on, give the lady what she wants, 385 00:19:09,376 --> 00:19:13,293 a pear-shaped boy in a Lycra dress with cutouts. 386 00:19:14,876 --> 00:19:17,834 Whew, okay. So I knock on Judd's door, and then what? 387 00:19:17,918 --> 00:19:20,834 You say, "Sorry, I thought this was the kitchen." 388 00:19:20,918 --> 00:19:24,626 "But while I'm here, might I snack on that ass?" 389 00:19:24,709 --> 00:19:27,168 Holy shit, Connie, my heart is racing. 390 00:19:27,251 --> 00:19:31,043 Me too. I can't believe we're about to eat ass for the first time. 391 00:19:31,126 --> 00:19:32,501 Um, hello? 392 00:19:32,584 --> 00:19:34,834 -Oh. -Oh shit. 393 00:19:34,918 --> 00:19:37,084 -Cass, who is it? -Some little girl. 394 00:19:37,168 --> 00:19:38,709 -Are you okay, honey? -Uh… 395 00:19:38,793 --> 00:19:40,668 Do you know your mommy's phone number? 396 00:19:40,751 --> 00:19:42,376 Connie, I'm gonna cry. 397 00:19:42,459 --> 00:19:44,418 Oh, hey, Nick's friend, Jessi. 398 00:19:44,501 --> 00:19:47,043 Oh my God, is this Klepto Baby? 399 00:19:47,126 --> 00:19:48,626 Yeah. What do you need, kid? 400 00:19:48,709 --> 00:19:52,251 I was just looking for, um… for Nick. 401 00:19:52,334 --> 00:19:53,751 So sorry. 402 00:19:53,834 --> 00:19:55,834 I gotta go. What the fuck? 403 00:19:55,918 --> 00:19:59,168 Oh shit, Klepto Baby, you're pissing your diaper. 404 00:19:59,251 --> 00:20:00,501 Jesus. 405 00:20:00,584 --> 00:20:03,876 I knew this was a bad idea, Connie. Connie? 406 00:20:03,959 --> 00:20:09,584 Oh no. I made a brown bubble bath in my dirty diapey doo-doo. 407 00:20:12,543 --> 00:20:16,293 Nick, baby, smooch down on that sexy sheepdog. 408 00:20:16,376 --> 00:20:18,418 So, uh, Lola… 409 00:20:18,501 --> 00:20:22,126 Enough chit-chat, Birch. Let's fucking suck face. 410 00:20:25,209 --> 00:20:27,834 Devon, Lola's winning. Come here. 411 00:20:30,209 --> 00:20:32,418 I guess everyone's doing it? 412 00:20:33,793 --> 00:20:35,626 That salt and pepper tickles. 413 00:20:35,709 --> 00:20:38,793 I'm going to sink my canines into your fleshy arm. 414 00:20:38,876 --> 00:20:43,209 So, should we get each other hard on a pile of Nick's old baby clothes? 415 00:20:43,293 --> 00:20:45,751 Ugh, sure. I guess I'll just close my eyes 416 00:20:45,834 --> 00:20:49,293 and pretend we're not surrounded by humping children. 417 00:20:49,376 --> 00:20:52,668 Aw, Nick's baby shoes are adorable. 418 00:20:52,751 --> 00:20:54,709 Too bad they're filled with rat turds. 419 00:20:54,793 --> 00:20:56,334 Eh, fuck it, I'll take them anyway. 420 00:20:57,626 --> 00:20:59,043 Oh, look, it's the Gloubermans. 421 00:20:59,126 --> 00:21:00,876 Out of the way, Dr. Sicko. 422 00:21:00,959 --> 00:21:04,209 If our kids are making out, it should be in secrecy and in shame. 423 00:21:04,293 --> 00:21:05,459 Marty, wait. 424 00:21:09,501 --> 00:21:10,668 It's all happening, Rick. 425 00:21:10,751 --> 00:21:14,043 The hookup house, it's just like the dream, kind of. 426 00:21:15,084 --> 00:21:17,418 Oh shit, Lola. Are you crying under there? 427 00:21:17,501 --> 00:21:18,793 I'm sorry, Nick. 428 00:21:18,876 --> 00:21:21,418 I really wanted to french someone, 429 00:21:21,501 --> 00:21:24,793 just not a big-head loser like you. 430 00:21:24,876 --> 00:21:25,709 I'm sorry, what? 431 00:21:25,793 --> 00:21:27,626 I wanted a rebound hookup, 432 00:21:27,709 --> 00:21:30,251 but I could do so much better. 433 00:21:30,334 --> 00:21:31,959 -You know that, right? -Uh… 434 00:21:32,043 --> 00:21:34,251 I need you to say it, Nick. I could do better. 435 00:21:34,334 --> 00:21:37,709 -Uh, you could do better? -No, that feels hollow. 436 00:21:37,793 --> 00:21:39,834 Goddamn soo-soo… 437 00:21:39,918 --> 00:21:40,876 You open that door now. 438 00:21:40,959 --> 00:21:43,334 I'm sorry, but I can't let you go up there, Marty. 439 00:21:43,418 --> 00:21:46,043 Please, just let us take our pervert and go home. 440 00:21:46,126 --> 00:21:47,043 That's it, Birch. 441 00:21:47,126 --> 00:21:48,751 Your penis or your door? 442 00:21:48,834 --> 00:21:52,376 I'm not sure what you're talking about, but the answer is… my penis. 443 00:21:52,459 --> 00:21:54,876 That goddamn door is coming down. 444 00:21:55,501 --> 00:21:59,001 -Okay, get your checkbook out, Mr. Gere, 445 00:21:59,084 --> 00:22:02,709 because this pretty woman needs some new clothes. 446 00:22:02,793 --> 00:22:06,001 -All right. Where's my disgusting son? -Oh my God. 447 00:22:06,084 --> 00:22:08,001 Oh shit. My mommy and daddy are here. 448 00:22:08,084 --> 00:22:11,251 That's it. I'm finishing the mohel's job. Get your-- 449 00:22:11,334 --> 00:22:12,418 Marty, no. 450 00:22:12,501 --> 00:22:14,668 Run, you hot little cupcake. 451 00:22:17,334 --> 00:22:19,584 -Oh, my baby. 452 00:22:19,668 --> 00:22:20,501 Oh, Andrew. 453 00:22:20,584 --> 00:22:22,876 Is that my Pretty Woman costume? 454 00:22:22,959 --> 00:22:25,626 Oh, sweetie, you make a beautiful sex worker. 455 00:22:25,709 --> 00:22:27,293 Thank you, Dr. Birch. 456 00:22:27,376 --> 00:22:30,459 -Now, can we please go to your house? 457 00:22:30,543 --> 00:22:32,959 Yes. Yes, we can. 458 00:22:35,126 --> 00:22:40,709 Well, well, well, look who accepted my follow request. Little Mel Gibson. 459 00:22:40,793 --> 00:22:43,751 Let's see where that no-show fuck machine was tonight. 460 00:22:43,834 --> 00:22:45,084 Wait a minute. 461 00:22:45,168 --> 00:22:47,126 -He was at church? -Church? 462 00:22:47,209 --> 00:22:49,918 Wow, he's really religious. 463 00:22:50,001 --> 00:22:50,959 That's… 464 00:22:51,043 --> 00:22:55,793 Really fucking hot, baby. He's forbidden fruit. 465 00:22:55,876 --> 00:22:59,334 I know. I feel like Fleabag going after the hot priest. 466 00:23:04,168 --> 00:23:07,668 Okay. Before we go in, you have a leaf in your hair. 467 00:23:07,751 --> 00:23:09,209 And a feather. And a rock. 468 00:23:09,293 --> 00:23:11,334 I know. A bird is building a nest there. 469 00:23:11,418 --> 00:23:13,543 Don't worry, Matt, they're gonna love him, 470 00:23:13,626 --> 00:23:15,668 unless they're still super Christian. 471 00:23:16,334 --> 00:23:19,168 -Uh, hey, guys, you remember Jay? -Hello. 472 00:23:19,251 --> 00:23:21,584 Of course. The magic man, right? 473 00:23:21,668 --> 00:23:23,543 Wow, Mr. and Mrs. Matthew, 474 00:23:23,626 --> 00:23:26,501 your family looks like a commercial for happiness. 475 00:23:26,584 --> 00:23:29,834 Why, thank you, Jay. You're such a sweet boy. 476 00:23:29,918 --> 00:23:33,668 Actually, guys, Jay is more than a boy. He's my… 477 00:23:33,751 --> 00:23:35,418 Yes? 478 00:23:35,501 --> 00:23:36,626 He's my boyfriend. 479 00:23:37,293 --> 00:23:38,293 Oh. 480 00:23:38,376 --> 00:23:41,168 Well, that's great. 481 00:23:41,251 --> 00:23:42,501 I'm fine. 482 00:23:42,584 --> 00:23:45,001 Okay. Take it easy, Kimberly. 483 00:23:45,084 --> 00:23:47,918 I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm laughing. 484 00:23:48,001 --> 00:23:50,418 I guess I'm just so super fine with everything. 485 00:23:50,501 --> 00:23:54,209 Uh, Matthew, your mother and I have been watching Will & Grace. 486 00:23:54,293 --> 00:23:56,751 Kimberly, this reminds me of when Will dated 487 00:23:56,834 --> 00:23:58,084 that nice police officer. 488 00:23:58,168 --> 00:24:01,751 Oh yeah, Will & Grace. They're so funny. I love Karen. 489 00:24:01,834 --> 00:24:04,418 -Okay. -You're like a police officer, Jay. 490 00:24:04,501 --> 00:24:08,709 Well, I promise to protect and serve all of your son's holes. 491 00:24:08,793 --> 00:24:12,001 Ice cream. Hey, somebody want some ice cream? 492 00:24:12,084 --> 00:24:16,834 I'll get some ice cream for my son and his boyfriend. 493 00:24:16,918 --> 00:24:18,084 I'm fine. 494 00:24:18,168 --> 00:24:21,584 I personally think that went about as well as it could have. 495 00:24:21,668 --> 00:24:22,668 I think you're right. 496 00:24:22,751 --> 00:24:25,293 You know, boys, I would kiss Taye Diggs. 497 00:24:25,376 --> 00:24:27,126 Sir, I would watch that. 498 00:24:27,209 --> 00:24:29,709 Oh, that was humiliating and a disaster, 499 00:24:29,793 --> 00:24:32,543 but it still counts as a hookup, right, Duke? 500 00:24:32,626 --> 00:24:34,418 Nick, when are you gonna learn? 501 00:24:34,501 --> 00:24:37,668 It's not the amount of people you hook up with that makes you a man. 502 00:24:41,918 --> 00:24:44,251 -Hey, Nick, bad news, man. 503 00:24:44,334 --> 00:24:47,501 Turns out Greeny's a racist and an anti-Semite. 504 00:24:47,584 --> 00:24:50,293 I only knew her from her previous work as a tree. 505 00:24:52,918 --> 00:24:54,876 -Oh, hey, Bernie. -Hey, Andrew. 506 00:24:54,959 --> 00:24:58,709 Did you see it when I fell down a flight of stairs, farting all the way? 507 00:24:58,793 --> 00:25:01,126 Yeah, someone held up the iPad so I could see. 508 00:25:01,209 --> 00:25:04,001 And I guess now you want nothing to do with me? 509 00:25:04,084 --> 00:25:08,084 Oh, please. If I had a dime for every time I tumble-tooted, 510 00:25:08,168 --> 00:25:10,501 I'd be able to cancel everyone's student debt. 511 00:25:10,584 --> 00:25:14,668 Andrew, this girl seems to like you for who you really are. 512 00:25:14,751 --> 00:25:16,584 I know. This is unprecedented. 513 00:25:16,668 --> 00:25:21,626 Hey, Bernie, do you think maybe you might wanna be my girlfriend? 514 00:25:21,709 --> 00:25:24,543 Uh, do I fart every time I pull up my socks? 515 00:25:24,626 --> 00:25:25,543 God, I hope so. 516 00:25:25,626 --> 00:25:27,626 I do, Andrew. Every time. 517 00:25:27,709 --> 00:25:28,709 -Oh. 518 00:25:28,793 --> 00:25:30,126 This is nice. 519 00:25:30,209 --> 00:25:32,626 Ooh, ooh. The baby, it's jerking off. 520 00:25:32,709 --> 00:25:34,709 Andrew, put your hand on my belly. 521 00:25:35,209 --> 00:25:36,501 You know what? Never mind. 522 00:25:36,584 --> 00:25:38,709 Oh, you finished, didn't you? 523 00:25:38,793 --> 00:25:41,501 I guess we both need a cigarette now.