1
00:00:07,501 --> 00:00:09,501
-[crowd cheering]
-[cameras clicking]
2
00:00:10,793 --> 00:00:14,918
I know, I know, ladies,
my performance was perfect.
3
00:00:15,001 --> 00:00:16,043
I thank you so much.
4
00:00:16,126 --> 00:00:17,209
Andrew Glouberman.
5
00:00:17,293 --> 00:00:21,459
I'm Diane Lane, and I'm dyin'
for you to sign my talented breasts.
6
00:00:21,543 --> 00:00:24,876
Diane Lane,
you're as clever as you are tempting.
7
00:00:24,959 --> 00:00:26,709
But alas, I love another.
8
00:00:26,793 --> 00:00:28,668
Bernadette Sanders.
9
00:00:28,751 --> 00:00:32,543
My love, french me
in front of these jealous women.
10
00:00:32,626 --> 00:00:34,376
[moaning]
11
00:00:34,459 --> 00:00:36,876
[Flanny] Oh, that Bernie Sanders.
12
00:00:36,959 --> 00:00:38,293
She's magnificent.
13
00:00:38,376 --> 00:00:40,709
-Ah!
-And now that she's your girlfriend,
14
00:00:40,793 --> 00:00:42,751
your whole life is a dream.
15
00:00:42,834 --> 00:00:44,876
-Who are you?
-Flanny O'lympic.
16
00:00:44,959 --> 00:00:46,543
At your service, little fella.
17
00:00:46,626 --> 00:00:48,543
Oh, okay. How does this work?
18
00:00:48,626 --> 00:00:51,084
Do I have to catch you
to get your pot of gold?
19
00:00:51,168 --> 00:00:53,668
Okay. No, that's a little offensive.
20
00:00:53,751 --> 00:00:57,584
But no. I am your Lovebug, you lucky boy.
21
00:00:57,668 --> 00:00:59,209
My Lovebug?
22
00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:01,668
Oh! Is it because I love Bernie?
23
00:01:01,751 --> 00:01:04,001
Well, how could you not? She's perfection.
24
00:01:04,084 --> 00:01:07,668
How does it feel to have met your wife
at the age of 13?
25
00:01:07,751 --> 00:01:08,584
Flanny!
26
00:01:08,668 --> 00:01:12,084
[mockingly] I thought
I felt a tingle in me lucky charms.
27
00:01:12,168 --> 00:01:13,793
Ha, ha. All right, you each got one.
28
00:01:13,876 --> 00:01:16,209
Now, then, let's get down to business.
29
00:01:16,293 --> 00:01:21,459
Step one. We profess our undying love
to Ms. Bernadette Sanders.
30
00:01:21,543 --> 00:01:22,959
Ooh, I don't know.
31
00:01:23,043 --> 00:01:27,084
Last time he told a girl he loved her,
she fucking barfed in his face.
32
00:01:27,168 --> 00:01:28,876
And then I got addicted to porn.
33
00:01:28,959 --> 00:01:30,418
-Porn?
-And arrested.
34
00:01:30,501 --> 00:01:33,209
You see,
he was throwing out all of his cum socks
35
00:01:33,293 --> 00:01:35,501
-at the synagogue.
-Cum socks? At the synagogue?
36
00:01:35,584 --> 00:01:37,918
-Oh my! Is the room spinning?
-[chuckles]
37
00:01:38,001 --> 00:01:39,709
If the kid is rattling you already,
38
00:01:39,793 --> 00:01:42,334
you should probably read his file.
[grunts]
39
00:01:42,418 --> 00:01:45,293
Mother of Mary. That's Andrew's file?
40
00:01:45,376 --> 00:01:47,293
Oh, this is just the table of contents.
41
00:01:47,376 --> 00:01:48,876
-Good heavens.
-Bring in the rest, boys.
42
00:01:48,959 --> 00:01:50,584
-[forklift beeping]
-[gasps]
43
00:01:52,959 --> 00:01:58,543
♪ I'm going through changes ♪
44
00:02:02,459 --> 00:02:08,543
♪ I'm going through changes ♪
45
00:02:08,626 --> 00:02:09,793
♪ Oh ♪
46
00:02:09,876 --> 00:02:10,918
♪ In my life ♪
47
00:02:12,209 --> 00:02:13,376
♪ Oh ♪
48
00:02:13,459 --> 00:02:15,293
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
49
00:02:23,959 --> 00:02:24,918
[Jay] All right.
50
00:02:25,001 --> 00:02:27,501
Jay, are you sure
about me meeting your family?
51
00:02:27,584 --> 00:02:29,168
It feels unsafe.
52
00:02:29,251 --> 00:02:30,584
I just thought it was so cool
53
00:02:30,668 --> 00:02:33,793
how, at your house,
all you Matthews sit in the same room
54
00:02:33,876 --> 00:02:35,959
-with, like, no one crying…
-Sure.
55
00:02:36,043 --> 00:02:38,418
But do you realize
by introducing me to your family,
56
00:02:38,501 --> 00:02:40,126
you're basically coming out?
57
00:02:40,209 --> 00:02:41,793
I mean, that's a huge fucking deal.
58
00:02:41,876 --> 00:02:42,834
Exactly.
59
00:02:42,918 --> 00:02:47,709
If I'm the same-sex lover
of the hottest guy in my school,
60
00:02:47,793 --> 00:02:49,834
there's no way they can neglect me.
61
00:02:49,918 --> 00:02:52,543
Oh, honey, your logic is heartbreaking.
62
00:02:52,626 --> 00:02:54,251
Just have the pepper spray ready, Matt.
63
00:02:54,334 --> 00:02:57,834
And remember, no eye contact,
and make yourself, you know, big.
64
00:02:57,918 --> 00:02:58,751
It's my Big Mac! Hey!
65
00:02:58,834 --> 00:03:00,084
Ah!
66
00:03:00,918 --> 00:03:04,543
Okay, guys?
I want you to meet my same-sex--
67
00:03:04,626 --> 00:03:06,501
-Fuck you.
-Oh God.
68
00:03:06,584 --> 00:03:09,209
-Oh, I made eye contact.
-Get away. Get away.
69
00:03:09,293 --> 00:03:11,376
[coughing]
70
00:03:11,459 --> 00:03:14,084
My brothers
have been pepper sprayed so many times,
71
00:03:14,584 --> 00:03:16,084
they've built up an immunity.
72
00:03:16,168 --> 00:03:18,334
It's a condiment to us, dumbass.
73
00:03:18,418 --> 00:03:23,376
What's all the commotion?
Did I sleep through Christmas again?
74
00:03:23,459 --> 00:03:26,834
Yeah, Mom, but you only missed it
by a couple of weeks this time.
75
00:03:26,918 --> 00:03:28,918
How wonderful.
76
00:03:29,001 --> 00:03:30,876
Hey, do you know where Dad is?
77
00:03:30,959 --> 00:03:32,959
Oh, of course not, sweetie.
78
00:03:33,043 --> 00:03:35,626
-But thank you for asking.
-Okay.
79
00:03:35,709 --> 00:03:37,876
Well, there is someone I want you to meet.
80
00:03:37,959 --> 00:03:40,209
Mom, this is my same-- Aw.
81
00:03:40,293 --> 00:03:41,793
I'm sorry, Jay.
82
00:03:41,876 --> 00:03:43,668
But she does seem happier this way.
83
00:03:43,751 --> 00:03:44,668
[Nick] Hey, team.
84
00:03:44,751 --> 00:03:47,293
I left my thermos in my backpack
for two weeks
85
00:03:47,376 --> 00:03:50,209
and now it's all, you know, fuzzy inside.
86
00:03:50,293 --> 00:03:52,501
Can somebody
fucking deal with this, please?
87
00:03:52,584 --> 00:03:55,584
-[chuckles] Okay, Dad.
-What's that supposed to mean?
88
00:03:55,668 --> 00:03:57,959
You're holding your pinky out,
like Dad does.
89
00:03:58,043 --> 00:03:59,126
I see everything.
90
00:03:59,209 --> 00:04:01,126
Oh, look, Nicky. You are.
91
00:04:01,209 --> 00:04:03,043
I guess we're the pinky twins now.
92
00:04:03,126 --> 00:04:05,251
No, no, no. This isn't a dad thing.
93
00:04:05,334 --> 00:04:08,126
Hey, Nick, I've got my pinky out too.
94
00:04:08,209 --> 00:04:09,168
What? No, you don't.
95
00:04:09,251 --> 00:04:10,168
Look down, baby.
96
00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:11,293
Ew!
97
00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:16,168
It's pink and smooth,
with one tiny little hard part at the end.
98
00:04:16,251 --> 00:04:19,584
Ooh, here's an idea. Let's pinky swear
that we'll get matching pinky rings
99
00:04:19,668 --> 00:04:22,501
and exchange them
in a beautiful ceremony at your school.
100
00:04:22,584 --> 00:04:25,626
Okay, no. I'm not your pinky twin.
I'm actually a man.
101
00:04:25,709 --> 00:04:29,251
So, Mommy, please, you know,
clean my thermos now, okay?
102
00:04:29,334 --> 00:04:32,126
-You guys, he's doing it again.
-Goddamn it.
103
00:04:32,209 --> 00:04:33,501
Hey, Nick, circling back.
104
00:04:33,584 --> 00:04:36,084
The little hard part
at the tip of my penis?
105
00:04:36,168 --> 00:04:37,876
It was a dry contact lens.
106
00:04:39,209 --> 00:04:40,251
Oh.
107
00:04:40,334 --> 00:04:42,209
-[bell rings]
-All right, class.
108
00:04:42,293 --> 00:04:45,293
As part of our unit
on genetics and genealogy,
109
00:04:45,376 --> 00:04:47,501
the results of your DNA tests are in.
110
00:04:47,584 --> 00:04:49,376
"Twenty-two and you"?
111
00:04:49,459 --> 00:04:52,084
I'm sorry, aren't there 23 chromosomes?
112
00:04:52,168 --> 00:04:54,626
Ugh, can we just not today, Jessi?
113
00:04:54,709 --> 00:04:58,834
OMG. This test says
that I have three possible dads?
114
00:04:58,918 --> 00:05:02,001
That sounds like a fun story
for later in the season.
115
00:05:02,084 --> 00:05:05,543
Consider yourself teased, audience.
[chuckles, snorts]
116
00:05:05,626 --> 00:05:08,376
According to this, I'm 30% Nigerian.
117
00:05:08,459 --> 00:05:11,293
No way. 47% Nigerian right here.
118
00:05:11,376 --> 00:05:14,293
This is fate, Missy. What are the chances?
119
00:05:14,376 --> 00:05:16,418
Considering the dark history
of the slave trade,
120
00:05:16,501 --> 00:05:17,876
it's not all that surprising.
121
00:05:17,959 --> 00:05:20,418
Can we just not today, Missy?
122
00:05:20,501 --> 00:05:22,626
Oh, that's weird. It says I'm Scottish?
123
00:05:22,709 --> 00:05:24,876
And the carrier for high blood pressure,
124
00:05:24,959 --> 00:05:28,043
enormous lips, and the warrior gene.
125
00:05:28,126 --> 00:05:30,376
Well, it says my ancestors are Russian.
126
00:05:30,459 --> 00:05:34,668
Yes, from the village of Chode,
a town much wider than it is long.
127
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,709
Who cares about his short, fat penis?
128
00:05:36,793 --> 00:05:39,876
Do these results confirm
that he's not related to Bernie Sanders?
129
00:05:39,959 --> 00:05:41,501
Oh, that wouldn't stop Andrew.
130
00:05:41,584 --> 00:05:42,751
No, it would not stop me.
131
00:05:42,834 --> 00:05:44,501
I frenched my first cousin, you see,
132
00:05:44,584 --> 00:05:47,168
and then I sent her a photo
of my stinky little winky.
133
00:05:47,251 --> 00:05:51,793
[grunts] Oh dear,
I haven't gotten to the incest box yet.
134
00:05:51,876 --> 00:05:54,168
[grunts] Boxes. Plural, my friend.
135
00:05:54,251 --> 00:05:58,168
Oh yes. According to my loogies
that the scientists studied,
136
00:05:58,251 --> 00:06:02,668
I have a secret half-brother
courtesy of my dad's studly dick.
137
00:06:02,751 --> 00:06:05,459
-Oh God, it says that?
-Matthew, do you know what this means?
138
00:06:05,543 --> 00:06:08,918
-Um, that your dad cheated on your mom?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, he did that. Big time.
139
00:06:09,001 --> 00:06:10,334
But thank God,
140
00:06:10,418 --> 00:06:14,751
because I now get another chance
to introduce you to my family.
141
00:06:14,834 --> 00:06:17,918
Oh, okay. So we're gonna do more of that.
142
00:06:18,001 --> 00:06:19,168
So much more.
143
00:06:19,251 --> 00:06:22,709
Hey, guys, according to my results,
I'm a Samantha,
144
00:06:22,793 --> 00:06:27,001
which, you know, makes sense,
because I'm such a Miranda.
145
00:06:27,084 --> 00:06:31,126
Missy, don't look now,
but here comes the high priest of--
146
00:06:31,209 --> 00:06:32,043
[moans]
147
00:06:32,126 --> 00:06:33,668
-Hey, Missy.
-Uh…
148
00:06:33,751 --> 00:06:36,543
Hi, Elijah. How… Howdy-do to you.
149
00:06:36,626 --> 00:06:40,543
Howdy and hoo. So, uh, you know how
we're supposed to research our ancestry?
150
00:06:40,626 --> 00:06:41,459
Yeah.
151
00:06:41,543 --> 00:06:44,168
I was wondering if you wanted to go
to a Nigerian restaurant with me?
152
00:06:44,251 --> 00:06:46,459
Yes. Should we go now? I'll drive.
153
00:06:46,543 --> 00:06:48,876
-You drive?
-Just kidding. I have too many DUIs.
154
00:06:48,959 --> 00:06:51,376
-Oh, you drink?
-Just kidding. I'm a kid.
155
00:06:51,459 --> 00:06:52,709
Cool.
156
00:06:52,793 --> 00:06:55,168
Well, Bridgeton doesn't have
a Nigerian restaurant,
157
00:06:55,251 --> 00:06:57,959
but there is a Jamaican spot
if you wanna meet up--
158
00:06:58,043 --> 00:07:01,334
Yes. Jamaican food sounds so horny.
I mean, delicious.
159
00:07:01,418 --> 00:07:02,709
Oh God, Missy.
160
00:07:02,793 --> 00:07:05,168
All right, I'm getting a call from a poop.
161
00:07:05,251 --> 00:07:07,251
I mean, I have to go to the bathroom.
162
00:07:07,334 --> 00:07:09,668
Where I only pee. I don't… I don't poop.
163
00:07:09,751 --> 00:07:12,793
Oh, well, I can teach you how if you want.
[chuckles]
164
00:07:12,876 --> 00:07:14,751
Uh, I mean, bye, Missy.
165
00:07:14,834 --> 00:07:17,418
Jessi. Elijah just asked me out
on a honking date.
166
00:07:17,501 --> 00:07:19,209
Really? Ooh, he's hot.
167
00:07:19,293 --> 00:07:20,251
At least I think he did.
168
00:07:20,334 --> 00:07:22,918
We might just do research.
How do you know if something's a date?
169
00:07:23,001 --> 00:07:25,626
I dunno. I think you just have to show up
and see what happens?
170
00:07:25,709 --> 00:07:29,126
Yeah, like when I got coffee
with Seann William Scott.
171
00:07:29,209 --> 00:07:33,001
Motherfucker brought his wife.
Still got laid, though.
172
00:07:33,584 --> 00:07:35,626
-So, pinky twin--
-Do not call me that.
173
00:07:35,709 --> 00:07:37,418
Did you learn
anything interesting at school?
174
00:07:37,501 --> 00:07:40,501
You know what? I actually
did learn something kinda cool.
175
00:07:40,584 --> 00:07:41,918
Did you know that we're Scottish?
176
00:07:42,001 --> 00:07:44,001
No, no, no, I don't think we are, Nicky.
177
00:07:44,084 --> 00:07:46,043
But I did a DNA test,
178
00:07:46,126 --> 00:07:47,668
-and it came up--
-Nicky, drop it.
179
00:07:47,751 --> 00:07:52,084
Look, it says here that we're Scottish,
and we carry the warrior gene.
180
00:07:52,168 --> 00:07:55,751
Okay, let me see
this ridiculous piece of junk science.
181
00:07:55,834 --> 00:07:58,001
Anyone want a bite
of this fraudulent paper? Mm.
182
00:07:58,084 --> 00:07:59,334
Oh, it's delicious.
183
00:07:59,418 --> 00:08:01,543
Um, what's going on, Dad?
184
00:08:01,626 --> 00:08:05,376
Nothing is going on, Leah,
with me or my past.
185
00:08:05,459 --> 00:08:06,459
Now, this dinner is over.
186
00:08:06,543 --> 00:08:08,626
-What the fuck?
-Everyone go to sleep.
187
00:08:08,709 --> 00:08:10,793
Kids, surely you've noticed
188
00:08:10,876 --> 00:08:13,418
that we never talk
about your father's family.
189
00:08:13,501 --> 00:08:15,251
-I haven't.
-I check out when you guys talk.
190
00:08:15,334 --> 00:08:17,084
I'm struggling
to stay off my phone right now.
191
00:08:17,168 --> 00:08:19,376
Well, let me make it crystal clear.
192
00:08:19,459 --> 00:08:22,668
Your father's family is off-limits.
193
00:08:22,751 --> 00:08:25,126
What? How is anything off-limits here?
194
00:08:25,209 --> 00:08:27,751
Dad talks
about eating you out, like, every day.
195
00:08:27,834 --> 00:08:30,501
Hey. Don't push this, you little shit.
196
00:08:30,584 --> 00:08:33,543
I'd hate to see you lose
all your nice things.
197
00:08:33,626 --> 00:08:36,209
Oh my God.
Why are my parents being so weird?
198
00:08:36,293 --> 00:08:38,751
Parents are stupid. Especially mine.
199
00:08:38,834 --> 00:08:42,668
For you see, my mom is a puddle
and my dad is a hamburger.
200
00:08:42,751 --> 00:08:45,584
They're actually a lovely couple.
They've been together for a long time.
201
00:08:47,584 --> 00:08:52,084
A turquoise Ferrari?
My secret half-brother must be rich.
202
00:08:52,168 --> 00:08:54,001
Well, he's definitely a Bilzerian.
203
00:08:54,084 --> 00:08:56,293
Okay, okay, you go hide
in the bushes over there
204
00:08:56,376 --> 00:09:00,834
until you hear me
say the phrase "same-sex lover."
205
00:09:00,918 --> 00:09:02,376
Then, you jump out,
206
00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:04,459
and I'll release the doves
from my backpack.
207
00:09:04,543 --> 00:09:07,376
Love that. But maybe
you should get to know this guy first
208
00:09:07,459 --> 00:09:09,876
before you ambush him
with our relationship.
209
00:09:09,959 --> 00:09:12,001
-[woman moaning]
-Okay, you already rang the doorbell.
210
00:09:12,084 --> 00:09:13,084
And it's porn.
211
00:09:13,168 --> 00:09:16,334
Fuck. Now I'm gonna meet
my secret brother with a boner.
212
00:09:16,418 --> 00:09:17,501
Oh, here we go.
213
00:09:18,959 --> 00:09:21,168
Whoa!
214
00:09:21,251 --> 00:09:22,876
And you're amazed.
215
00:09:22,959 --> 00:09:27,168
Holy shit!
You're a jacked 40-year-old magician?
216
00:09:27,251 --> 00:09:29,626
I'm actually 26. Who the fuck are you?
217
00:09:29,709 --> 00:09:31,251
Oh, I'm Jay Bilzerian.
218
00:09:31,334 --> 00:09:32,918
-Your half-brother.
-So?
219
00:09:33,001 --> 00:09:36,584
Well, you know, since we both came out
of our dad's glue stick,
220
00:09:36,668 --> 00:09:39,584
I was kind of hoping
you would love me unconditionally
221
00:09:39,668 --> 00:09:41,959
and meet my same-sex--
222
00:09:42,043 --> 00:09:45,043
Look, man, your dad fucking my mom
doesn't make us family.
223
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:47,251
Sometimes moms just get fucked.
224
00:09:47,334 --> 00:09:51,084
Okay, but to be fair, you did just quote
our dad's law commercial, so--
225
00:09:51,168 --> 00:09:54,334
Guy Bilzerian dropped loads
in most of the holes in this town.
226
00:09:54,418 --> 00:09:57,376
Go bother one of them, shit bird.
227
00:09:57,459 --> 00:10:00,543
Oof. I'm sorry, Jay. That did not go well.
228
00:10:00,626 --> 00:10:03,543
Uh, didn't it, though? He gave us a clue.
229
00:10:03,626 --> 00:10:06,376
-My dad dropped loads.
-Right…
230
00:10:06,459 --> 00:10:08,459
Loads… Loads in holes…
231
00:10:08,543 --> 00:10:11,543
Cum in holes, cum in vagina…
232
00:10:11,626 --> 00:10:14,459
-[gasps] Oh my God, Matthew.
-[Matthew] Uh-huh.
233
00:10:14,543 --> 00:10:17,126
Babies are made from cum and vaginas.
234
00:10:17,209 --> 00:10:18,043
Sad, but true.
235
00:10:18,126 --> 00:10:21,959
Ergo, there are other Bilzerians
out there.
236
00:10:22,043 --> 00:10:23,251
And we're gonna find them,
237
00:10:23,334 --> 00:10:26,543
and I'm gonna introduce you
to every goddamn one of them.
238
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:30,376
Doves, bring me my brother… Oh boy.
239
00:10:31,001 --> 00:10:35,209
Mm, Diane's closet.
Can you smell her, Andy?
240
00:10:35,293 --> 00:10:36,668
[sniffs] Mm.
241
00:10:36,751 --> 00:10:37,584
Yes.
242
00:10:37,668 --> 00:10:40,501
Okay, Andrew,
stop stroking my mother's laundry hamper
243
00:10:40,584 --> 00:10:43,043
and help me look for whatever it is
that my dad's ashamed of.
244
00:10:43,126 --> 00:10:44,084
Step aside, Nick.
245
00:10:44,168 --> 00:10:46,709
I shall use all my powers
of uncanny perversion
246
00:10:46,793 --> 00:10:50,376
to deduce where your father
has hidden his shameful secret.
247
00:10:50,459 --> 00:10:51,584
[vocalizing]
248
00:10:51,668 --> 00:10:55,168
-Maury, what's the boy doing?
-Shh, shh, shh! Watch the maestro at work.
249
00:10:55,251 --> 00:10:58,334
It wouldn't be hanging in plain sight, no.
250
00:10:58,418 --> 00:11:01,168
All the juiciest morsels
live in the shadows, yes?
251
00:11:01,251 --> 00:11:02,626
The underside of the rock.
252
00:11:02,709 --> 00:11:04,668
Wait. I'm rock hard. It's right here.
253
00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:06,501
I cannot believe that actually worked.
254
00:11:07,001 --> 00:11:11,334
Okay. Some weird medals
and an old passport?
255
00:11:11,418 --> 00:11:13,876
William Alastair MacGregor?
256
00:11:13,959 --> 00:11:15,709
[Andrew gasps] Is that your dad as a kid?
257
00:11:15,793 --> 00:11:18,918
Does he have like a…
like a secret identity?
258
00:11:19,001 --> 00:11:20,501
This is getting creepy.
259
00:11:20,584 --> 00:11:22,918
[chuckles]
Well, here's something not creepy.
260
00:11:23,001 --> 00:11:25,918
Andrew, I seem to have stumbled
upon Diane's panty drawer.
261
00:11:26,001 --> 00:11:29,834
I'm begging you, please do not take
a pair of this woman's underwear.
262
00:11:29,918 --> 00:11:31,793
Fine, I'll just take a scarf.
263
00:11:31,876 --> 00:11:35,501
Ah, yes, the scarf.
The underwear of the neck.
264
00:11:35,584 --> 00:11:36,668
[Andrew sniffs] Mm.
265
00:11:36,751 --> 00:11:38,959
And the neck is the butt of the head.
266
00:11:41,043 --> 00:11:42,501
-Thank you.
-And don't worry.
267
00:11:42,584 --> 00:11:45,418
We intend to tip you decently
despite the fact that we are children.
268
00:11:45,501 --> 00:11:49,418
Missy, let's send your foot up
Elijah's leg on a dick-finding mission.
269
00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:52,334
Uh, no, he seems to be praying.
270
00:11:52,418 --> 00:11:55,376
Maybe he's praying
for you to foot-fuck his dick.
271
00:11:55,459 --> 00:11:56,918
Amen. Oh. [chuckles]
272
00:11:57,001 --> 00:12:00,084
Oh, my bad. I didn't even ask
if you wanted to say grace with me.
273
00:12:00,168 --> 00:12:01,584
Oh, no, no, it's fine.
274
00:12:01,668 --> 00:12:04,418
You praying made me think about
how a Catholic bishop was responsible
275
00:12:04,501 --> 00:12:08,459
for bringing slaves from Africa
to the New World. So…
276
00:12:08,543 --> 00:12:11,043
-Uh, yeah.
-That's what's up with me.
277
00:12:11,126 --> 00:12:12,668
Ugh, what the fuck, Missy?
278
00:12:12,751 --> 00:12:13,751
If you think about it,
279
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:15,834
the connection
between the Church and the slave trade
280
00:12:15,918 --> 00:12:17,293
is just really upsetting.
281
00:12:17,376 --> 00:12:19,126
Oh God, now he's doing it too.
282
00:12:19,209 --> 00:12:22,418
Quick. Jerk his chicken.
Tickle his oxtail.
283
00:12:22,501 --> 00:12:24,459
Throat his dick?
284
00:12:24,543 --> 00:12:28,209
You know what? Uh, let's not talk
about the slave trade anymore.
285
00:12:28,293 --> 00:12:31,876
Have you ever heard
of the Walls of Benin in Nigeria?
286
00:12:31,959 --> 00:12:35,334
They were the largest man-made structure
of the pre-mechanical era.
287
00:12:35,418 --> 00:12:38,626
Yeah, and they were four times longer
than the Great Wall of China.
288
00:12:38,709 --> 00:12:40,293
Hold on. Is he a dork too?
289
00:12:40,376 --> 00:12:45,709
But don't sleep on the Ife people.
I mean, the iron smelting, the glass work…
290
00:12:45,793 --> 00:12:47,959
Oh, the Ife are no joke.
291
00:12:48,043 --> 00:12:49,959
I went to the Brooklyn Museum last summer,
292
00:12:50,043 --> 00:12:54,001
and I saw
a 900-year-old Ife terracotta sculpture.
293
00:12:54,084 --> 00:12:56,334
You terra-cotta be kidding me.
294
00:12:56,418 --> 00:12:58,501
[laughing]
295
00:12:58,584 --> 00:12:59,459
That's good, Missy.
296
00:12:59,543 --> 00:13:01,918
Well, these two nerds
seem to be having fun,
297
00:13:02,001 --> 00:13:05,459
but I'm so bored
I want to set my pussy on fire.
298
00:13:05,543 --> 00:13:07,293
And now, I will.
299
00:13:07,876 --> 00:13:08,751
[Jay] Okay, Mom.
300
00:13:08,834 --> 00:13:11,334
Just gonna give you a little coffee
301
00:13:11,418 --> 00:13:13,459
that I stole from the Toyota dealership,
302
00:13:13,543 --> 00:13:15,668
where I have breakfast every morning.
303
00:13:15,751 --> 00:13:18,876
[gasps] What is this hot, brown wine?
304
00:13:18,959 --> 00:13:22,959
I know you hate being conscious,
but this is kinda important.
305
00:13:23,043 --> 00:13:26,626
Did you know that Dad
had other kids before he met you?
306
00:13:26,709 --> 00:13:30,293
Oh yes. Before and after.
307
00:13:30,376 --> 00:13:32,293
But doesn't that piss you off?
308
00:13:32,376 --> 00:13:37,126
-Don't you worry about Jay's mom.
-Wait, what's that?
309
00:13:37,209 --> 00:13:41,668
This is just
Jay's mom's little insurance policy.
310
00:13:41,751 --> 00:13:45,584
When I go missing,
you find this book, all right?
311
00:13:45,668 --> 00:13:49,459
Bye-bye now, Jay's mom's son Jay.
312
00:13:49,543 --> 00:13:53,418
Huh, okay. Huh, shell companies…
313
00:13:53,501 --> 00:13:54,918
Unmarked graves?
314
00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:58,251
Extreme paternity? [gasps]
315
00:13:58,334 --> 00:14:02,334
This is it. The loads. Follow the loads.
316
00:14:03,418 --> 00:14:06,251
[Nick] William Alastair MacGregor.
317
00:14:06,334 --> 00:14:08,501
Just click on the first video.
I will not read.
318
00:14:09,751 --> 00:14:11,293
[man] Watch out, tae kwon do.
319
00:14:11,376 --> 00:14:13,834
Scottish nipple twisting
has arrived in New York.
320
00:14:13,918 --> 00:14:14,918
Nipple twisting?
321
00:14:15,001 --> 00:14:19,418
[man] And this ancient martial art
has a bright new star, William MacGregor.
322
00:14:19,501 --> 00:14:20,834
Whoa, that's my dad.
323
00:14:20,918 --> 00:14:22,751
Oh, look at him oiling himself up.
324
00:14:22,834 --> 00:14:25,251
Soft daddy, come to big papa.
325
00:14:25,334 --> 00:14:26,959
Wait, I thought he was into the mom.
326
00:14:27,043 --> 00:14:29,293
He's kind of into anything with a pulse,
I guess?
327
00:14:29,376 --> 00:14:32,293
I mean, I'm not that picky.
I once fucked a tomato.
328
00:14:32,376 --> 00:14:34,376
[man] William's father and coach,
Seamus MacGregor,
329
00:14:34,459 --> 00:14:37,418
is pushing for the sport to be included
in this summer's Olympics.
330
00:14:37,501 --> 00:14:40,876
Nipple twisting
requires strength, stamina,
331
00:14:40,959 --> 00:14:43,501
and extremely specific calluses.
332
00:14:43,584 --> 00:14:44,668
Is that my grandpa?
333
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:46,459
[Seamus] Soon, the world will see
334
00:14:46,543 --> 00:14:50,043
that the true measure of a man
is found here,
335
00:14:50,126 --> 00:14:52,293
on the tip of his… [beep] …teat.
336
00:14:52,376 --> 00:14:56,334
Whoa, are these fingers
actually the weapons of a warrior?
337
00:14:56,418 --> 00:14:57,793
There's only one way to find out.
338
00:14:57,876 --> 00:15:00,084
You want me to twist your nipples?
339
00:15:00,168 --> 00:15:02,709
Come on, just do it.
Twist my bad little piggy titties.
340
00:15:02,793 --> 00:15:06,293
Oh, the filth,
it just rolls right off his tongue.
341
00:15:06,376 --> 00:15:08,959
I'm sorry, I've got to…
I've got to go and have a walk.
342
00:15:09,043 --> 00:15:10,334
Okay, but hurry back.
343
00:15:10,418 --> 00:15:13,709
You're gonna wanna see
those little piggies get punished.
344
00:15:13,793 --> 00:15:17,751
And so, basically, that's why my voice
sounds a little different now.
345
00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:21,418
Oh, it sounds like, eventually,
they made the right choice.
346
00:15:21,501 --> 00:15:23,209
Hey, kids. Whenever you're ready.
347
00:15:23,293 --> 00:15:25,543
Okay, even the waitress
thinks it's a date.
348
00:15:25,626 --> 00:15:28,834
Now, to make it official,
let him pay with his parents' money.
349
00:15:29,751 --> 00:15:30,584
I can pay.
350
00:15:30,668 --> 00:15:31,626
-Yes.
-Sure.
351
00:15:31,709 --> 00:15:33,084
Unless you wanna split.
352
00:15:33,168 --> 00:15:34,293
No. What the fuck?
353
00:15:34,376 --> 00:15:36,418
Yeah, sure. We can split it.
354
00:15:36,501 --> 00:15:38,876
-Indeed. Seems appropriate.
-If that's what you want.
355
00:15:38,959 --> 00:15:41,626
No, Elijah. Don't listen to her.
She's not well.
356
00:15:41,709 --> 00:15:46,334
But, hey, I'm going to this party
on Friday night, "Ife" you wanna come?
357
00:15:46,418 --> 00:15:48,793
-Yes. Yes. Yes!
-Try to freaking stop me.
358
00:15:48,876 --> 00:15:51,168
I mean, okay, sure, whatever.
359
00:15:51,251 --> 00:15:53,626
Would you say… it's a date?
360
00:15:53,709 --> 00:15:54,876
Yeah, it's a date.
361
00:15:54,959 --> 00:15:56,001
Holy shit.
362
00:15:56,084 --> 00:15:58,084
I'm gonna set my pussy on fire again,
363
00:15:58,168 --> 00:16:01,043
but this time with a stick of dynamite.
364
00:16:01,126 --> 00:16:03,043
Fire in the hole!
365
00:16:03,751 --> 00:16:07,501
It was crazy. He looked just like Jay,
and he had no furniture,
366
00:16:07,584 --> 00:16:10,626
except one fish tank
with an electric guitar in it.
367
00:16:10,709 --> 00:16:12,918
I'm sorry.
I don't think I could handle another Jay.
368
00:16:13,001 --> 00:16:14,209
-[screams]
-Oh shit.
369
00:16:14,293 --> 00:16:15,959
-Jay.
-Matthew. [grunts]
370
00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:17,668
I've got incredible news.
371
00:16:17,751 --> 00:16:21,418
Turns out my dad made
dozens of secret cum vagina babies.
372
00:16:21,501 --> 00:16:22,584
Siblings. He means siblings.
373
00:16:22,668 --> 00:16:24,584
Don't call them that. They're my brothers.
374
00:16:24,668 --> 00:16:27,501
And I'm gonna introduce you
to every single one of them.
375
00:16:27,584 --> 00:16:28,834
Jay, you don't need to do this.
376
00:16:28,918 --> 00:16:31,334
Yes, I do. I really like you, Matthew,
377
00:16:31,418 --> 00:16:34,168
and I want all my brother loads
to know it.
378
00:16:34,251 --> 00:16:35,918
Oh, that is kinda sweet.
379
00:16:36,001 --> 00:16:39,168
Yeah, and it's funny
because loads are kind of sour?
380
00:16:39,251 --> 00:16:40,126
Okay, and we're back.
381
00:16:40,209 --> 00:16:42,084
Jay, I really like you too,
382
00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:45,584
but I don't wanna go
to any more sleazy magicians' houses.
383
00:16:45,668 --> 00:16:47,709
You don't have to, my darling.
384
00:16:47,793 --> 00:16:50,668
I'm gonna bring the sleazy magicians to us
385
00:16:50,751 --> 00:16:54,001
by throwing
a Bilzerian bastard family reunion.
386
00:16:54,084 --> 00:16:55,501
Oof. That sounds--
387
00:16:55,584 --> 00:16:59,168
Like the greatest idea
since doves in a bag? I know.
388
00:16:59,251 --> 00:17:02,459
Imagine it, all my brothers in one place.
389
00:17:02,543 --> 00:17:05,709
It'll be just like
we're back in our dad's balls.
390
00:17:05,793 --> 00:17:08,626
Okay. But how do you get
a bunch of Bilzerians
391
00:17:08,709 --> 00:17:10,001
to come to a random party?
392
00:17:10,084 --> 00:17:12,876
Uh, doy, everybody knows
there are four things
393
00:17:12,959 --> 00:17:15,418
-a Bilzerian cannot resist.
-Okay.
394
00:17:15,501 --> 00:17:16,418
-Jean shorts…
-Sure.
395
00:17:16,501 --> 00:17:17,626
-…casino steaks…
-Really?
396
00:17:17,709 --> 00:17:19,001
-…improvised weapons…
-Copy that.
397
00:17:19,084 --> 00:17:22,084
…and, of course,
a lady in the shower to peep on.
398
00:17:22,168 --> 00:17:24,168
-And a crime.
-[chuckles] Woo!
399
00:17:24,251 --> 00:17:26,251
Okay, how do we do this?
400
00:17:26,334 --> 00:17:29,959
Do we, like, just, like, grab each other's
nipples and fucking twist them?
401
00:17:30,043 --> 00:17:32,001
Yeah, I guess that's what we do.
402
00:17:32,084 --> 00:17:35,584
[chuckles] I don't know
why I can't stop laughing. I'm so excited.
403
00:17:35,668 --> 00:17:36,584
Ah!
404
00:17:36,668 --> 00:17:39,251
Fuck, yeah. Twenty-first century.
405
00:17:39,334 --> 00:17:40,459
[grunting]
406
00:17:40,543 --> 00:17:42,334
That's it, baby. You're a warrior.
407
00:17:42,418 --> 00:17:47,126
Yeah, I feel the blood of my ancestors
coursing through my veins.
408
00:17:47,209 --> 00:17:49,293
[in Scottish accent]
They may take our nipples,
409
00:17:49,376 --> 00:17:52,959
but they will never take our nipples.
410
00:17:53,043 --> 00:17:53,959
Oh God,
411
00:17:54,043 --> 00:17:57,043
I can feel the blood of my ancestors
coursing through my veins.
412
00:17:57,126 --> 00:18:01,001
Don't stop. I deserve to be oppressed.
413
00:18:01,084 --> 00:18:04,418
Now confiscate all of my Judaica.
414
00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:06,126
[gasps] What are you doing?
415
00:18:06,209 --> 00:18:07,834
Nicky, stop it.
416
00:18:07,918 --> 00:18:09,459
I found your secret box.
417
00:18:09,543 --> 00:18:12,168
I know who you are, William MacGregor.
418
00:18:12,251 --> 00:18:13,418
Don't you say that name.
419
00:18:13,501 --> 00:18:15,793
William MacGregor no longer exists.
420
00:18:15,876 --> 00:18:20,043
[whimpers]
I'm Elliot Birch, your pinky twin.
421
00:18:20,126 --> 00:18:22,668
Oh, Maury, my nipples are pulsing,
422
00:18:22,751 --> 00:18:24,251
my asshole is throbbing,
423
00:18:24,334 --> 00:18:26,709
my taint is begging to get involved,
simply begging.
424
00:18:26,793 --> 00:18:28,584
That's it. I can't take anymore.
425
00:18:28,668 --> 00:18:30,043
In one short day,
426
00:18:30,126 --> 00:18:34,834
this depraved little heathen
has made me forget what love even means.
427
00:18:34,918 --> 00:18:36,376
-Flanny--
-Don't "Flanny" me.
428
00:18:36,459 --> 00:18:37,293
I quit.
429
00:18:37,376 --> 00:18:41,209
And I never want to see a nipple again
for as long as I live.
430
00:18:41,293 --> 00:18:43,668
Wait, no. Was it because I said "taint"?
431
00:18:43,751 --> 00:18:46,084
I could call it my "grundle"
if that makes it nicer for you.
432
00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:49,918
Yeah, I mean, the clinical term is
actually "the Bridge to Doodie City."
433
00:18:50,543 --> 00:18:54,793
This random party with
my four favorite things fucking rules.
434
00:18:54,876 --> 00:18:56,668
Gimme that casino steak.
435
00:18:56,751 --> 00:19:00,043
So do you two get fucked?
Or are you just decorative?
436
00:19:00,126 --> 00:19:01,668
Oh, it's always been my dream
437
00:19:01,751 --> 00:19:04,959
to get eviscerated by a Norseman
with a little dick, bro.
438
00:19:05,043 --> 00:19:07,293
Oh man, she's soaping herself up.
439
00:19:07,376 --> 00:19:10,334
You're beautiful, sweetheart.
Take my casino steak.
440
00:19:10,418 --> 00:19:12,834
Isn't this just the most lovely party?
441
00:19:12,918 --> 00:19:15,209
I'm worried
that shower lady's gonna get frostbite.
442
00:19:15,293 --> 00:19:16,334
Well, don't tell anyone,
443
00:19:16,418 --> 00:19:19,834
but the shower lady
is actually Coach Steve.
444
00:19:19,918 --> 00:19:20,751
Thanks, Jay.
445
00:19:20,834 --> 00:19:25,084
My doctor at Petco
is gonna be so excited I took a shower.
446
00:19:25,168 --> 00:19:26,168
Are you ready, Matthew?
447
00:19:26,251 --> 00:19:29,501
Because I think it's time
for our big announcement.
448
00:19:29,584 --> 00:19:30,793
Okay, how do I look?
449
00:19:30,876 --> 00:19:32,959
-Uh, fat and pregnant?
-Ah, perfect.
450
00:19:33,043 --> 00:19:36,084
What the fuck
are all you shitbags doing here?
451
00:19:36,168 --> 00:19:40,001
Dad? Oh my God,
I can't believe you actually came.
452
00:19:40,084 --> 00:19:44,209
I get a special alert
whenever there's a lady in a shower.
453
00:19:44,293 --> 00:19:48,709
Attention, Bilzerian bastards.
This is our dad.
454
00:19:48,793 --> 00:19:51,918
And this is my same-sex--
455
00:19:52,001 --> 00:19:54,918
Dad? Oh my God.
Will you teach me how to ride a bike?
456
00:19:55,001 --> 00:19:57,126
And teach me how to shave my back?
457
00:19:57,209 --> 00:19:59,709
And teach me
how to have sex with a baseball mitt?
458
00:19:59,793 --> 00:20:02,543
Hang on. There'll be plenty of time
for all of you to get parented.
459
00:20:02,626 --> 00:20:05,918
But first, I have an announcement.
I wanna introduce you to--
460
00:20:06,001 --> 00:20:10,084
Hold that thought, almost abortion.
I, uh, gotta take a dump.
461
00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:11,251
Uh, sure thing, Dad.
462
00:20:11,334 --> 00:20:13,834
A lot of these guys have waited
their whole lives for this moment,
463
00:20:13,918 --> 00:20:16,668
so I think they can wait
for one more shit.
464
00:20:16,751 --> 00:20:19,626
You know, Nicky, my father was a hard man.
465
00:20:20,209 --> 00:20:23,168
And from the day I was born,
he loved only one thing,
466
00:20:23,668 --> 00:20:25,918
the ancient sport of nipple twisting.
467
00:20:26,418 --> 00:20:29,168
Originally, the Scots called it
"tweaking teats."
468
00:20:29,251 --> 00:20:31,709
For them, it was a means
of preventing invasion.
469
00:20:31,793 --> 00:20:34,001
-[screams]
-[Elliot] But for my father,
470
00:20:34,668 --> 00:20:35,834
it was an obsession.
471
00:20:36,334 --> 00:20:39,334
And the only time I felt truly loved
472
00:20:39,418 --> 00:20:41,834
was when I was brutalizing
someone's breasts.
473
00:20:41,918 --> 00:20:43,126
That's it, William.
474
00:20:43,209 --> 00:20:44,334
No mercy.
475
00:20:44,418 --> 00:20:47,918
Picture that stupid twat's parents
standing over his grave.
476
00:20:48,001 --> 00:20:50,293
[Elliot] I craved his love so badly,
477
00:20:50,376 --> 00:20:53,668
I… I completely lost control.
478
00:20:53,751 --> 00:20:55,293
[screaming]
479
00:20:55,376 --> 00:20:58,751
Oh my God. You pulled his nipples off?
480
00:20:58,834 --> 00:21:00,626
I'm sorry to say I did.
481
00:21:00,709 --> 00:21:04,793
And I was so horrified
that I left my father's home forever.
482
00:21:04,876 --> 00:21:07,793
I gave up nipple twisting
and became a surgeon
483
00:21:07,876 --> 00:21:10,834
to help people
with my strong little hands.
484
00:21:10,918 --> 00:21:15,043
And I vowed to myself that
I'd be the exact opposite kind of father.
485
00:21:15,126 --> 00:21:16,543
You mean, like a soft daddy?
486
00:21:16,626 --> 00:21:19,376
The softest. And the daddiest.
487
00:21:19,459 --> 00:21:23,668
Well, I guess I'm glad
you're not like a raging, angry maniac.
488
00:21:23,751 --> 00:21:26,668
And I'm glad you're my pinky twin.
489
00:21:27,168 --> 00:21:28,626
Yeah, okay.
490
00:21:29,459 --> 00:21:32,959
What the hell? Our dad's been in there
for 45 fucking minutes.
491
00:21:33,043 --> 00:21:36,459
It's fine. He's probably just having
a hard steak shit.
492
00:21:36,543 --> 00:21:40,126
Well, then, let us watch. He's our dad.
493
00:21:41,043 --> 00:21:43,251
Shit. He El Chapo'd us.
494
00:21:43,334 --> 00:21:44,459
That is classic Dad.
495
00:21:44,543 --> 00:21:45,501
What the hell, Jay?
496
00:21:45,584 --> 00:21:48,543
Did you invite us all over here
just so he could abandon us again?
497
00:21:48,626 --> 00:21:50,418
No! I invited you here
498
00:21:50,501 --> 00:21:53,126
so I could introduce you to my same-sex--
499
00:21:53,209 --> 00:21:54,459
You suck, Jay.
500
00:21:54,543 --> 00:21:55,584
Nut stab.
501
00:21:56,084 --> 00:21:57,251
Let's get outta here.
502
00:21:57,334 --> 00:21:58,709
Let's steal the furniture.
503
00:21:58,793 --> 00:22:01,751
I'm taking this painting
of Chef Boyardee, bro.
504
00:22:01,834 --> 00:22:04,043
-[boy] Gimme that.
-[boy 2] Stop the steal.
505
00:22:04,918 --> 00:22:06,793
Christ, what a bunch of assholes.
506
00:22:06,876 --> 00:22:09,459
No, they're right. I suck.
507
00:22:09,543 --> 00:22:11,376
And now my whole family hates me.
508
00:22:11,459 --> 00:22:13,168
Who cares what your family thinks?
509
00:22:13,251 --> 00:22:14,918
You're so much better than them.
510
00:22:15,001 --> 00:22:16,376
-Really?
-Yes.
511
00:22:16,459 --> 00:22:20,334
Between your rotten genes
and your truly horrific upbringing,
512
00:22:20,418 --> 00:22:23,334
-you still somehow ended up a good person.
-Aw.
513
00:22:23,418 --> 00:22:27,834
I'd say you're a miracle,
but, Jay, you're a genetic anomaly.
514
00:22:27,918 --> 00:22:29,626
I don't know what that is, Matthew,
515
00:22:29,709 --> 00:22:31,459
but somehow you always know
516
00:22:31,543 --> 00:22:34,251
just the right thing to say
to get me hard.
517
00:22:35,418 --> 00:22:36,334
[Steve] Heads up, Jay.
518
00:22:36,418 --> 00:22:39,876
When your brothers found out
I was a pretend "lady in the shower,"
519
00:22:39,959 --> 00:22:41,626
they stole my mustache.
520
00:22:41,709 --> 00:22:43,626
So, I gotta use my eyebrows now.
521
00:22:43,709 --> 00:22:45,168
Uh, you know, so yin-yang.
522
00:22:45,251 --> 00:22:48,251
Hey, Coach Steve?
Since you're kind of like a dad to me--
523
00:22:48,334 --> 00:22:50,834
-Because I made thick in your mom's warm?
-Ugh.
524
00:22:50,918 --> 00:22:54,376
Yeah, but also
because you're always there for me.
525
00:22:54,459 --> 00:22:57,584
Anyway, I'm not sure if you've heard,
526
00:22:57,668 --> 00:23:02,209
but Matthew and I are same-sex lovers now.
527
00:23:02,293 --> 00:23:05,751
-That's awesome.
-Yeah, it is pretty awesome.
528
00:23:05,834 --> 00:23:06,709
Wow!
529
00:23:06,793 --> 00:23:07,793
Thank you, Steve.
530
00:23:07,876 --> 00:23:09,543
For what? Who are you?
531
00:23:09,626 --> 00:23:13,209
Oh, I can't believe
I'm going on a full-on date with Elijah.
532
00:23:13,293 --> 00:23:16,126
Well, hold on.
This can't be where the party is, darling.
533
00:23:16,209 --> 00:23:17,209
It's a bloody church.
534
00:23:17,293 --> 00:23:20,168
I know, but it's the address he sent me.
535
00:23:20,251 --> 00:23:22,168
-Hey, Missy.
-Hi.
536
00:23:22,251 --> 00:23:25,418
So, you ready to party in God's basement?
537
00:23:25,501 --> 00:23:28,918
Uh, sure. Just hope
that doesn't mean hell. [chuckles]
538
00:23:29,001 --> 00:23:30,709
Sounds like hell to me.
539
00:23:30,793 --> 00:23:32,668
Welcome to Youth Group, Missy.
540
00:23:32,751 --> 00:23:34,709
Elijah told us you were coming,
541
00:23:34,793 --> 00:23:38,543
but he did not mention
those rocking braces.
542
00:23:38,626 --> 00:23:39,918
-Look at you.
-Oh, thank you.
543
00:23:40,001 --> 00:23:43,001
It's, uh, so cool that you hang out
with a bunch of kids on a Friday night.
544
00:23:43,084 --> 00:23:44,084
Also on Saturdays.
545
00:23:44,168 --> 00:23:47,834
I'm sorry, but how could Elijah
possibly consider this a party?
546
00:23:47,918 --> 00:23:49,668
Now before you all get into that pizza,
547
00:23:49,751 --> 00:23:53,084
let's join hands
and thank the original Papa John.
548
00:23:53,168 --> 00:23:55,376
Hey, I'm really glad you came.
549
00:23:55,459 --> 00:23:58,876
[gasps] Mona,
he's holding my honking hand.
550
00:23:58,959 --> 00:24:03,043
♪ Hallelujah! Hallelujah! ♪
551
00:24:03,126 --> 00:24:05,501
This evening has been saved.
552
00:24:05,584 --> 00:24:08,709
Thank you, Jesus. I believe.
553
00:24:08,793 --> 00:24:10,209
Now, while y'all grab a slice,
554
00:24:10,293 --> 00:24:11,918
I want to say a couple quick words
555
00:24:12,001 --> 00:24:14,793
about why it's absolutely wrong
to masturbate.
556
00:24:14,876 --> 00:24:16,709
Okay, there's always a catch.
557
00:24:16,793 --> 00:24:19,626
You never get pizza for fucking free,
do you?
558
00:24:19,709 --> 00:24:24,751
You're such a bad boy
for stealing my scarf, Andrew.
559
00:24:24,834 --> 00:24:28,584
Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Birch.
Maybe you should punish me.
560
00:24:28,668 --> 00:24:30,543
So, you're really quitting, huh, Flanny?
561
00:24:30,626 --> 00:24:33,918
I'm sorry, Maury,
but the boy makes me sick to my bones.
562
00:24:34,001 --> 00:24:36,709
-Okay, sure, Andrew's a little weirdo…
-Yes.
563
00:24:36,793 --> 00:24:39,376
…but the kid's got a good heart,
and he deserves love.
564
00:24:39,459 --> 00:24:41,418
I mean, just the other day,
565
00:24:41,501 --> 00:24:44,376
he was in the shower
and he did the cutest thing.
566
00:24:44,459 --> 00:24:47,668
He tried to stick a bottle
of Pantene Pro-V up his butt.
567
00:24:47,751 --> 00:24:49,209
[chuckles]
568
00:24:49,293 --> 00:24:50,126
[sighs]
569
00:24:50,209 --> 00:24:54,418
I can only hope that this little one
is half the monster that Andrew is.
570
00:24:54,501 --> 00:24:56,293
Of course.
571
00:24:56,376 --> 00:24:58,959
-How did I not see this before?
-What? See what?
572
00:24:59,043 --> 00:25:01,126
-You love him.
-No.
573
00:25:01,209 --> 00:25:03,501
That's the real love story here.
574
00:25:03,584 --> 00:25:07,043
You genuinely love that little maniac.
575
00:25:07,126 --> 00:25:08,876
I just think there might be something,
576
00:25:08,959 --> 00:25:11,376
you know,
really great with him and Bernie.
577
00:25:11,459 --> 00:25:14,376
And maybe you could stick around,
you know, for me?
578
00:25:14,459 --> 00:25:18,084
Okay, Maury. I'm going to try to see
this little pervert through your eyes.
579
00:25:18,168 --> 00:25:19,001
Yes.
580
00:25:19,084 --> 00:25:20,459
-Hey, Andrew.
-Yeah?
581
00:25:20,543 --> 00:25:25,584
I was thinking maybe you should ask Bernie
what type of deodorant she wears.
582
00:25:25,668 --> 00:25:27,668
I like that idea quite a lot. Go on.
583
00:25:27,751 --> 00:25:32,043
And that way, you can buy some
and rub it all over your body.
584
00:25:32,126 --> 00:25:35,418
Oh, like I'm wearing a suit
made out of Bernie.
585
00:25:35,501 --> 00:25:36,459
Yeah.
586
00:25:36,543 --> 00:25:38,418
Then you can smell her all the time
587
00:25:38,501 --> 00:25:41,626
so that your penis fills with blood.
588
00:25:41,709 --> 00:25:43,001
-How you like it.
-Ah.
589
00:25:43,084 --> 00:25:44,334
Flanny.
590
00:25:44,418 --> 00:25:47,001
Welcome to the fucking team, brother.
591
00:25:47,084 --> 00:25:48,793
-Here's your poncho.
-Poncho?
592
00:25:48,876 --> 00:25:50,126
Oh, did I not mention?
593
00:25:50,209 --> 00:25:54,084
With Andrew, every seat
is in the splash zone, honey.
594
00:25:54,168 --> 00:25:55,668
[moaning] Roll the credits.
595
00:25:56,251 --> 00:25:58,334
-♪ Free the nipple ♪
-♪ Free the nipple ♪
596
00:25:58,418 --> 00:26:00,459
♪ Let it slip, just the tip ♪
597
00:26:00,543 --> 00:26:02,626
-♪ Free the nip ♪
-♪ Right on ♪
598
00:26:02,709 --> 00:26:04,334
-♪ Free the… Uh ♪
-♪ Let it slip ♪
599
00:26:04,834 --> 00:26:06,668
♪ Free the nipple ♪
600
00:26:06,751 --> 00:26:08,084
♪ Shine your pearl ♪
601
00:26:08,168 --> 00:26:09,001
♪ Free the nip ♪
602
00:26:09,084 --> 00:26:11,251
-♪ Release those girls ♪
-♪ Free the nip, let it slip ♪
603
00:26:11,334 --> 00:26:13,293
-♪ Take a sip ♪
-♪ Gotta ♪
604
00:26:13,376 --> 00:26:15,584
♪ Free the nipple ♪
605
00:26:15,668 --> 00:26:16,668
♪ Free the nip ♪
606
00:26:17,834 --> 00:26:19,918
♪ Free the nipple ♪
607
00:26:20,001 --> 00:26:21,209
♪ Free the nip ♪
608
00:26:22,459 --> 00:26:26,168
♪ Take off the uncomfortable stuff ♪
609
00:26:26,751 --> 00:26:30,168
♪ Adam and Eve were ♪
610
00:26:31,084 --> 00:26:35,168
♪ Naked under forbidden fruit tree ♪
611
00:26:35,251 --> 00:26:38,668
♪ You know where the story leads ♪
612
00:26:38,751 --> 00:26:40,668
♪ They lost the keys to paradise ♪
613
00:26:40,751 --> 00:26:42,751
♪ Now our bodies ain't free ♪