1
00:00:10,793 --> 00:00:12,584
[Rita] Ah, the vagina.
2
00:00:12,668 --> 00:00:14,459
Look at it.
3
00:00:14,543 --> 00:00:17,959
We're quite unaccustomed
to facing it so directly, aren't we?
4
00:00:18,043 --> 00:00:20,793
So mysterious is the vagina,
5
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tucked away, perfectly out of sight.
6
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So very within.
7
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I'm Rita St. Swithens,
8
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and I'm here to take you on a journey
9
00:00:31,209 --> 00:00:33,834
to the underbelly of the human carriage.
10
00:00:33,918 --> 00:00:39,334
The perfect breeding ground
for that most potent of all emotions,
11
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shame.
12
00:00:40,834 --> 00:00:43,709
Of course, not all women have vaginas
13
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and not all people with vaginas are women,
14
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but as Jeff Foxworthy famously never said,
15
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"If you've got the blues,
you might have a cooze."
16
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So, strap in your labia and join me,
the grand dame of humiliation,
17
00:00:59,543 --> 00:01:05,251
for a very special episode of Big Mouth,
"Vagina Shame."
18
00:01:07,293 --> 00:01:12,918
[woman] ♪ I'm going through changes ♪
19
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♪ I'm going through changes ♪
20
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♪ Oh, in my life ♪
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[Rita] Meet Jessica Cobain Glazer.
22
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Jessi.
23
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A pubescent girl
already very much steeped in shame.
24
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By her 13th year, she had it all.
25
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Divorced parents,
26
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a series of romantic failures,
27
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and a vibrant relationship
28
00:01:54,918 --> 00:01:58,001
with both anxiety and depression.
29
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But all that seemed very far away
at the moment,
30
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because Jessi had found happiness in,
of all places,
31
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the Eddie Bauer catalog.
32
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These new leggings
are the fucking best, right?
33
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Mm. They make your butt
look like a little crab apple.
34
00:02:13,876 --> 00:02:16,501
Thank you, Connie.
I guess that's a good thing, right?
35
00:02:16,584 --> 00:02:19,709
Crab and apple?
That's surf and turf, baby.
36
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[Rita] Jessi was living in tight quarters
37
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with her pothead father
and his pregnant girlfriend, Caitlin,
38
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also known as "The Cheese Girl."
39
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Whoa! [chuckling]
40
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I can't believe molten lava cake
made the front page of the Fearless Flyer.
41
00:02:35,501 --> 00:02:36,501
The Fearless Flyer
42
00:02:36,584 --> 00:02:40,584
is a collection of coupons
and advertisements for Trader Joe's.
43
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Greg thinks it's the newspaper.
44
00:02:43,001 --> 00:02:46,209
-I'll be home for dinner.
-Hope you like microwave cake.
45
00:02:46,293 --> 00:02:49,376
Jess, um, if you want me
to wash your leggings,
46
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I can just throw them in with my laundry.
47
00:02:51,709 --> 00:02:53,876
-Are you saying my leggings look dirty?
-No, girl. No.
48
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It's just you've been wearing them
for a few days, so I just thought--
49
00:02:57,293 --> 00:03:01,209
I washed them while you were sleeping,
'cause you actually sleep, like, a lot.
50
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A flagrant but necessary lie,
51
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as Caitlin must always be wrong.
52
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Such is the way.
53
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Yeah, we don't make the rules.
54
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We're just a little girl.
55
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So in a delightful mélange
56
00:03:13,084 --> 00:03:16,584
of low self-esteem
and righteous indignation,
57
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Jessi kept wearing those leggings for days
58
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and days
59
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and days.
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And on the 11th day, came the itching.
61
00:03:27,543 --> 00:03:28,834
Okay, yeah, um…
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Something is not what you would call
"kosher" down there, Connie.
63
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Ooh, I have an idea.
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00:03:33,501 --> 00:03:37,459
Grab that skeleton and use
one of his bonies to scratch your yoni.
65
00:03:37,543 --> 00:03:39,251
[Jessi's vagina] Yoo-hoo, Jessi.
66
00:03:39,334 --> 00:03:40,501
-Down here.
-Hey.
67
00:03:40,584 --> 00:03:42,918
Do me a favor.
Scratch me like a Powerball ticket
68
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and I'll make you feel
like a million bucks. I promise.
69
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Maybe if I just try grinding
the spine of this textbook
70
00:03:48,084 --> 00:03:49,376
a little harder into my crotch.
71
00:03:49,459 --> 00:03:51,251
Uh, you sure you wanna do that?
72
00:03:51,334 --> 00:03:54,876
Anyone sees you, next thing you know,
you're the girl who fucks books.
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[Jessi's vagina] Uh, Jessi, still here.
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00:03:56,584 --> 00:03:59,293
If you could just reach down
and gouge my eyes out,
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it would be much appreciated.
76
00:04:01,126 --> 00:04:02,709
Ms. B, I have to go to the bathroom.
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[panting]
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[Connie] Run, book fucker. Run.
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00:04:06,543 --> 00:04:08,543
[Jessi grunts]
80
00:04:08,626 --> 00:04:10,168
Joojle "itchy vagina, why?"
81
00:04:10,251 --> 00:04:11,793
-I'm trying.
-Don't think, just Joojle.
82
00:04:11,876 --> 00:04:15,918
Okay. Itchy vagina. Possible causes:
vaginosis, vaginitis, so many cancers.
83
00:04:16,001 --> 00:04:19,168
In the meantime, could you scratch me
so hard you rip my fucking face off?
84
00:04:19,251 --> 00:04:20,418
Man, now I have to pee.
85
00:04:20,501 --> 00:04:21,918
Wash it out from the inside.
86
00:04:22,001 --> 00:04:24,001
Maybe the piss
will be cooling and soothing.
87
00:04:24,084 --> 00:04:25,209
Good idea. Maybe. Let's see.
88
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[screams]
89
00:04:26,543 --> 00:04:28,251
[Jessi's vagina] It burns like devil fire!
90
00:04:28,334 --> 00:04:31,626
Dearest Satan,
I will allow you to lay with me
91
00:04:31,709 --> 00:04:33,501
if you take away this unholy ailment.
92
00:04:33,584 --> 00:04:36,043
I will take in your evil seed.
93
00:04:36,126 --> 00:04:38,751
I will bear your wicked spawn.
94
00:04:38,834 --> 00:04:40,709
Okay, look, look, look.
There's a pop-up ad.
95
00:04:40,793 --> 00:04:42,251
"Vagisil." That looks promising.
96
00:04:42,334 --> 00:04:45,043
Yes. Let's get your vagie sealed.
97
00:04:45,126 --> 00:04:47,959
[grunts] Don't you die on me.
Help is coming.
98
00:04:48,043 --> 00:04:50,418
Jessi was in need of guidance,
99
00:04:50,501 --> 00:04:52,709
but Shannon was busy working,
100
00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:55,751
because, well, she's that kind of mother.
101
00:04:55,834 --> 00:04:58,084
-[beeps]
-Uh, hey, Mom. I just, um…
102
00:04:58,168 --> 00:05:00,043
If you get this, call me back.
103
00:05:00,126 --> 00:05:04,584
I've got a kind of like a little itchy,
burning question for you.
104
00:05:04,668 --> 00:05:05,501
Oh my God.
105
00:05:06,584 --> 00:05:11,001
[Jessi's vagina] Jessi, scratch harder,
or I'm gonna stop being Mrs. Nice Vagina
106
00:05:11,084 --> 00:05:12,209
and start being…
107
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[in evil voice] …Beatrice!
108
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Who the fuck is Beatrice?
109
00:05:15,126 --> 00:05:17,168
No, no, no, no, no.
She's my evil twin, Jessi.
110
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And trust me, you do not wanna meet her.
111
00:05:19,501 --> 00:05:21,668
Come on,
let's check the busted vagina department.
112
00:05:21,751 --> 00:05:25,459
Ah, yes, the feminine hygiene aisle.
113
00:05:25,543 --> 00:05:28,876
An entire section of the store
designed to convince women
114
00:05:28,959 --> 00:05:32,293
their vaginas are repulsive
in their natural state.
115
00:05:32,376 --> 00:05:33,334
[chuckles]
116
00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:37,043
-Hey, awesome girl boss.
-Uh, hi.
117
00:05:37,126 --> 00:05:40,918
Are you feeling itchy
with vaginal dryness and unpleasant odors?
118
00:05:41,001 --> 00:05:42,959
I think I smell… regular?
119
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,459
-Oh, regular, that's no good.
-Really?
120
00:05:45,543 --> 00:05:48,043
You wanna smell
like wild country lavender.
121
00:05:48,126 --> 00:05:49,293
Lavender? Okay.
122
00:05:49,376 --> 00:05:52,209
Women should have the aroma
of a drawer full of tablecloths.
123
00:05:52,293 --> 00:05:53,793
That's what clean smells like.
124
00:05:53,876 --> 00:05:55,834
-Hey. Sweetheart.
-Oh, hi.
125
00:05:55,918 --> 00:05:59,293
What you really need
is to flush out your whole situation
126
00:05:59,376 --> 00:06:01,626
with my fresh apricot wash.
127
00:06:01,709 --> 00:06:03,168
Woof. A douche?
128
00:06:03,251 --> 00:06:06,626
Trust me, guys love the taste of apricot.
129
00:06:06,709 --> 00:06:07,584
Ew. My God.
130
00:06:07,668 --> 00:06:11,043
Oh, that's actually a real advertisement.
[chuckles]
131
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I don't need to invent any of this.
Joojle it.
132
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[Jessi's vagina]
Oh, Jessi, just pick something.
133
00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:18,293
Beatrice, she's coming.
134
00:06:18,376 --> 00:06:21,376
[Beatrice] Knock, knock.
Open the door, you busted-ass bitch.
135
00:06:21,459 --> 00:06:23,918
Beatrice is knocking, Jessi.
Steal those wipes.
136
00:06:24,001 --> 00:06:26,751
There's not a jury in this land
that would convict you.
137
00:06:26,834 --> 00:06:28,293
And so, just like that,
138
00:06:28,376 --> 00:06:32,959
the book fucker
becomes a Swipes Wipes swiper.
139
00:06:34,501 --> 00:06:35,459
[exhales]
140
00:06:37,251 --> 00:06:40,376
Okay, this isn't doing anything
except make me smell like…
141
00:06:40,459 --> 00:06:42,834
Huh, kiwi banana birthday cake?
142
00:06:42,918 --> 00:06:47,126
Two words, and I just want you
to let me say them. Industrial sander.
143
00:06:47,209 --> 00:06:48,709
Oh no. What is that?
144
00:06:48,793 --> 00:06:51,209
Okay, this is gonna sound weird, Jessi,
145
00:06:51,293 --> 00:06:54,793
but did you order
a side of cottage cheese at a diner
146
00:06:54,876 --> 00:06:57,043
and somehow,
it got delivered to your underwear?
147
00:06:57,126 --> 00:06:58,043
I don't feel so good.
148
00:06:58,126 --> 00:07:01,168
Okay. I'll just clean you,
like really, really, really well.
149
00:07:01,251 --> 00:07:05,084
Yes, scour her like she's a dirty pan
filled with burnt lasagna.
150
00:07:05,168 --> 00:07:06,626
Yeah! Scrub faster. Scrub harder.
151
00:07:06,709 --> 00:07:10,001
-I can't. I'm going as hard as I can.
-[Jessi's vagina] Scrub me raw.
152
00:07:10,084 --> 00:07:11,834
[Beatrice] You dumbass ginger bitch.
153
00:07:11,918 --> 00:07:13,793
-Holy shit, it's Beatrice.
-Oh no.
154
00:07:13,876 --> 00:07:15,126
That's right, Jessi.
155
00:07:15,209 --> 00:07:17,293
I've been dying to meet you.
156
00:07:17,376 --> 00:07:20,418
And now, I'm gonna shoot myself
in the fucking face.
157
00:07:20,501 --> 00:07:22,626
-Oh my God, she's got a gun.
-Beatrice is packing.
158
00:07:22,709 --> 00:07:24,834
One of us dies tonight.
159
00:07:24,918 --> 00:07:28,293
I, for one, am ready for the darkness.
160
00:07:28,876 --> 00:07:31,001
Give me that tiny gun, Your Vaginess.
161
00:07:31,084 --> 00:07:33,501
Is this what you want? Huh?
You little fucking psycho.
162
00:07:33,584 --> 00:07:34,584
-No.
-You want this?
163
00:07:34,668 --> 00:07:37,084
You're killing your own pussy!
164
00:07:37,168 --> 00:07:39,668
-[Beatrice cackles]
-[groaning]
165
00:07:39,751 --> 00:07:42,001
So sad about Jessi,
166
00:07:42,084 --> 00:07:45,751
attacking her own deranged genitalia
with a loofah.
167
00:07:45,834 --> 00:07:46,709
[chuckles]
168
00:07:46,793 --> 00:07:48,084
Shame, really.
169
00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:49,584
But I ask you this.
170
00:07:49,668 --> 00:07:54,584
What if we traveled a few inches
north of the vulva to the mons pubis,
171
00:07:54,668 --> 00:07:58,793
where the hair grows curly
and the shame grows thick.
172
00:07:58,876 --> 00:08:02,959
Case study number two:
Lola Ugfuglio Skumpy.
173
00:08:03,043 --> 00:08:05,126
Thirteen, unsupervised,
174
00:08:05,209 --> 00:08:08,459
unparented, and unshorn.
175
00:08:08,543 --> 00:08:12,751
It was Wednesday night,
and Lola's mother was in Racine, Wisconsin
176
00:08:12,834 --> 00:08:15,751
fornicating with the band Hoobastank.
177
00:08:15,834 --> 00:08:18,709
So that could mean
only one thing for dear Lola,
178
00:08:18,793 --> 00:08:22,334
Hot Pockets and free Internet pornography.
179
00:08:22,418 --> 00:08:26,209
[man moans] We better hurry up and fuck
before Mom and Dad get home.
180
00:08:26,293 --> 00:08:30,543
[woman] My mom and your dad,
because I'm your stepsister.
181
00:08:30,626 --> 00:08:32,459
Oh, okay, good,
they're not blood relatives,
182
00:08:32,543 --> 00:08:34,584
so this is, like, totally copacetic.
183
00:08:34,668 --> 00:08:36,793
[man] Oh, it's so convenient
banging somebody
184
00:08:36,876 --> 00:08:38,918
-who lives in the same house.
-[woman] Mm-hmm.
185
00:08:39,001 --> 00:08:41,209
We're saving so much money on gas.
186
00:08:41,293 --> 00:08:44,918
Looking closely.
Picking up on a trend. Huh?
187
00:08:45,001 --> 00:08:50,168
All the women in porn are, like, smooth
as a dolphin's cooch down there.
188
00:08:50,251 --> 00:08:55,501
Your Majesty, you realize
this is not how most women naturally look.
189
00:08:55,584 --> 00:08:57,459
What do you know, you stupid pube?
190
00:08:57,543 --> 00:09:01,709
Well, you said it yourself, milady.
We are, in fact, pubic hair.
191
00:09:01,793 --> 00:09:04,918
And we have guarded crotches
since the beginning of time.
192
00:09:05,001 --> 00:09:06,501
Ah, yes, we have, indeed.
193
00:09:06,584 --> 00:09:09,626
Sworn to protect human genitals
from dirt and debris.
194
00:09:09,709 --> 00:09:11,168
Like falling leaves.
195
00:09:11,251 --> 00:09:13,168
Okay, sure, falling leaves.
196
00:09:13,251 --> 00:09:15,418
But we also secrete sebum,
197
00:09:15,501 --> 00:09:19,668
a special oil that prevents
dangerous bacteria from reproducing.
198
00:09:19,751 --> 00:09:23,168
We are natural protection
from falling leaves,
199
00:09:23,251 --> 00:09:26,501
wind-blown leaves,
leaves that a gardener might foist--
200
00:09:26,584 --> 00:09:28,834
Balthasar! Enough with the leaves, man.
201
00:09:28,918 --> 00:09:32,626
Okay. Like, I guess
you do have my best interests at heart.
202
00:09:32,709 --> 00:09:35,584
But look at this
absolute array of thumbnails.
203
00:09:35,668 --> 00:09:38,126
There's nary a bush in the bunch.
204
00:09:38,209 --> 00:09:40,459
Is that, like, what men want?
205
00:09:40,543 --> 00:09:43,293
Well, that is more difficult to say,
my queen.
206
00:09:43,376 --> 00:09:45,209
We are merely pubes, after all.
207
00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:49,043
Genital shields
from that most perilous of hazards--
208
00:09:49,126 --> 00:09:51,334
Do not say falling leaves.
209
00:09:51,418 --> 00:09:54,293
I don't have to, for you just did.
210
00:09:54,376 --> 00:09:56,126
[groans] Balthasar!
211
00:09:56,209 --> 00:09:57,626
[Rita] Although Ms. Skumpy
212
00:09:57,709 --> 00:10:01,793
was briefly mollified
by the noble knights of St. Joseph,
213
00:10:01,876 --> 00:10:04,168
fate stepped in a few days later
214
00:10:04,251 --> 00:10:06,334
in the form of a Robert Altman film
215
00:10:06,418 --> 00:10:10,168
and the idle musings
of a few teenage boys.
216
00:10:10,251 --> 00:10:12,376
So then, Julianne Moore steps out,
217
00:10:12,459 --> 00:10:15,209
naked as Winnie the Pooh
from the waist down.
218
00:10:15,293 --> 00:10:18,543
And get this, fellas.
She's sporting a full red bush.
219
00:10:18,626 --> 00:10:19,501
Ew.
220
00:10:19,584 --> 00:10:20,834
Right? Is that right?
221
00:10:20,918 --> 00:10:24,459
Yeah, ew.
Women are supposed to be like seals.
222
00:10:24,543 --> 00:10:28,709
Totally smooth, good with balls,
and always clapping for you.
223
00:10:28,793 --> 00:10:31,709
I'd tell you to stop quoting
your dad's law commercials, Jay,
224
00:10:31,793 --> 00:10:33,918
but this time, I think you might be right.
225
00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:39,334
Oh no, a jury of my boy peers
has reached a unanimous verdict.
226
00:10:39,418 --> 00:10:43,084
My pubes are, like, guilty of being there.
227
00:10:43,168 --> 00:10:46,626
There was only one thing left
for the poor child to do.
228
00:10:47,626 --> 00:10:50,668
I beg you, Your Majesty,
please spare our lives.
229
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:55,001
We were placed on your pubic mound
by God himself.
230
00:10:55,084 --> 00:10:57,376
I'm sorry. You've served me with valor,
231
00:10:57,459 --> 00:11:00,251
but society has, like, spoken.
232
00:11:01,251 --> 00:11:03,501
-Off with their heads!
-[cheering]
233
00:11:03,584 --> 00:11:05,584
My queen, we beseech you.
234
00:11:05,668 --> 00:11:08,793
We've served you faithfully,
lo these many years.
235
00:11:08,876 --> 00:11:10,168
Who cares? Kill 'em.
236
00:11:10,251 --> 00:11:12,876
-We came for an execution.
-Laser them.
237
00:11:12,959 --> 00:11:15,209
Please, Your Highness, I beg of you.
238
00:11:15,293 --> 00:11:17,543
What if you're reading nude beneath a tree
239
00:11:17,626 --> 00:11:20,126
and a most pointy leaf falls?
240
00:11:20,209 --> 00:11:22,584
That's not helping us, Balthasar.
241
00:11:22,668 --> 00:11:23,584
Now.
242
00:11:24,251 --> 00:11:25,501
[cheering]
243
00:11:27,876 --> 00:11:30,043
Balthasar? Leandre?
244
00:11:30,126 --> 00:11:31,209
Are you there?
245
00:11:31,793 --> 00:11:34,834
Oh no, I've murdered my pubes.
246
00:11:34,918 --> 00:11:36,543
[gasps] And here comes a leaf.
247
00:11:36,626 --> 00:11:40,418
I am but a deer in headlights,
paralyzed with fear.
248
00:11:40,501 --> 00:11:41,543
Ouch.
249
00:11:41,626 --> 00:11:44,001
It's as Balthasar foretold.
250
00:11:44,084 --> 00:11:46,126
Whatever do I do now? [cries]
251
00:11:46,209 --> 00:11:50,501
Now, Lola, you wait for them
to painfully grow back in.
252
00:11:50,584 --> 00:11:54,543
And then you'll pluck and shave
and buff and shine all over again,
253
00:11:54,626 --> 00:11:58,043
not completely understanding
why you're even doing it.
254
00:11:58,126 --> 00:12:01,751
Mm, that's some delicious shame.
255
00:12:02,251 --> 00:12:03,334
Now, I ask you,
256
00:12:03,418 --> 00:12:07,668
these boys who compelled Ms. Skumpy
to shave her mound,
257
00:12:07,751 --> 00:12:10,876
do they even know
what a vagina looks like?
258
00:12:10,959 --> 00:12:12,876
[chuckles] A vagina?
259
00:12:13,418 --> 00:12:16,543
Well, no.
I mean, I've never seen one up close,
260
00:12:16,626 --> 00:12:18,418
but I bet I could draw one.
261
00:12:18,918 --> 00:12:19,918
Huh, huh.
262
00:12:20,001 --> 00:12:22,043
And… there we go.
263
00:12:22,126 --> 00:12:25,959
Wow. Okay. Well, that's not not hot.
264
00:12:26,043 --> 00:12:27,751
Will Netflix be allowed to show this?
265
00:12:27,834 --> 00:12:28,668
Vagina?
266
00:12:28,751 --> 00:12:31,251
Why would you even say that?
That's none of my business.
267
00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:33,584
That's why they invented
the bathroom door.
268
00:12:33,668 --> 00:12:35,834
-[tires squeal]
-Now, get outta my car, you sicko.
269
00:12:35,918 --> 00:12:37,584
I call them sweeties.
270
00:12:37,668 --> 00:12:39,501
Hey… Hey, does anybody know
271
00:12:39,584 --> 00:12:42,043
what happened
to that vagina that Nick drew?
272
00:12:42,126 --> 00:12:43,668
Does she have a sister?
273
00:12:44,418 --> 00:12:48,334
[Rita] Case study number three:
Missy Foreman-Greenwald.
274
00:12:48,418 --> 00:12:50,126
Roiling with hormones,
275
00:12:50,209 --> 00:12:53,376
a girl struggling, as all 13-year-olds do,
276
00:12:53,459 --> 00:12:55,709
with issues of identity,
277
00:12:55,793 --> 00:12:57,834
issues of self-esteem,
278
00:12:57,918 --> 00:13:01,293
issues with her parents,
it goes without saying.
279
00:13:01,376 --> 00:13:06,168
But on this day,
issues of feeling very much behind.
280
00:13:06,251 --> 00:13:09,376
Just got a cool bathroom surprise.
Anyone have a tampon?
281
00:13:09,459 --> 00:13:11,251
Rooting, rifling…
282
00:13:11,334 --> 00:13:13,251
Sorry, I don't really keep extras.
283
00:13:13,334 --> 00:13:16,584
I like to live on the edge,
you know, ruin my underpants.
284
00:13:16,668 --> 00:13:18,418
Sorry, babe. I used my last super
285
00:13:18,501 --> 00:13:22,793
to sop up a mango Spindrift
I absolutely toppled. [chuckles]
286
00:13:22,876 --> 00:13:24,001
[Rita] From Missy's vantage,
287
00:13:24,084 --> 00:13:28,126
the answer to who was menstruating
was simply everyone.
288
00:13:28,209 --> 00:13:30,334
Everyone but poor her.
289
00:13:30,418 --> 00:13:32,834
Look at them. They're such women.
290
00:13:32,918 --> 00:13:34,334
Probing their pocketbooks
291
00:13:34,418 --> 00:13:39,001
as they hunt for that ultimate totem
of womanhood, the blood cigar.
292
00:13:39,084 --> 00:13:42,418
And I'm such a little baby
with my bone-dry uterus.
293
00:13:42,501 --> 00:13:44,626
Quick, pretend to look for a tampon.
294
00:13:44,709 --> 00:13:46,501
-You have one in there, Missy?
-Oh, shit.
295
00:13:46,584 --> 00:13:49,959
-Tell her anything but the truth.
-Well… No.
296
00:13:50,043 --> 00:13:51,334
I could, but I don't,
297
00:13:51,418 --> 00:13:54,126
because for my monthly periods,
298
00:13:54,209 --> 00:13:56,501
-I use a DivaCup.
-Ooh.
299
00:13:56,584 --> 00:13:59,293
I'm a DivaCup wearer.
300
00:13:59,376 --> 00:14:00,751
That's a big swing, darling.
301
00:14:00,834 --> 00:14:02,918
Ew. You use a DivaCup?
302
00:14:03,001 --> 00:14:04,418
With gusto. [chuckles]
303
00:14:04,501 --> 00:14:06,793
It's as quick
and easy to use as a Keurig pod.
304
00:14:06,876 --> 00:14:09,668
But instead of coffee,
when I pop that bad boy in,
305
00:14:09,751 --> 00:14:11,126
my cup is filled to the brim
306
00:14:11,209 --> 00:14:13,751
-with bright red Missy juice.
-Whoa.
307
00:14:13,834 --> 00:14:16,626
-Oh, for fuck's sake.
-I've never met anyone who uses a cup.
308
00:14:16,709 --> 00:14:19,584
Well, now you have.
It's a big part of my identity.
309
00:14:19,668 --> 00:14:21,334
Okay, they bought it. Now stop talking.
310
00:14:21,418 --> 00:14:25,501
And since the silence is deafening…
[chuckles]
311
00:14:25,584 --> 00:14:27,793
…uh, you should know
that my mom uses one too.
312
00:14:27,876 --> 00:14:29,168
What are you doing?
313
00:14:29,251 --> 00:14:33,459
Okay, so you and your mom
collect your blood in a cup every month?
314
00:14:33,543 --> 00:14:35,959
Yes, it connects us
to the cycle of the moon.
315
00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:38,209
In fact, when I first got my period,
316
00:14:38,293 --> 00:14:41,168
probably at least several months
before you did, Devin,
317
00:14:41,251 --> 00:14:45,168
we had a First Moon ceremony
to celebrate my ascension to womanhood.
318
00:14:45,251 --> 00:14:47,251
As your hormone monstress
and your attorney,
319
00:14:47,334 --> 00:14:48,834
I am begging you to shut up.
320
00:14:48,918 --> 00:14:51,834
So, no, Ali, just circling back,
I do not have a tampon.
321
00:14:51,918 --> 00:14:55,626
I'm sorry. I'm a DivaCup diva.
Smell you later. [groans]
322
00:14:55,709 --> 00:14:58,959
Oh, we Shame Wizards love a good lie,
323
00:14:59,043 --> 00:15:02,751
a little pockmark on the soul, festering.
324
00:15:02,834 --> 00:15:07,334
And not long after,
Missy's lies would catch up with her.
325
00:15:07,418 --> 00:15:10,334
Okay, en conversación, por favor,
326
00:15:10,418 --> 00:15:14,251
tell your partner
how you would have stopped 9/11.
327
00:15:14,334 --> 00:15:15,959
Oh, I feel kinda sick.
328
00:15:16,043 --> 00:15:17,959
Maybe it was the extra bowl of bran pulp?
329
00:15:18,043 --> 00:15:21,293
When will your family learn
there's such a thing as too much fiber?
330
00:15:21,376 --> 00:15:22,418
You're not pandas.
331
00:15:22,501 --> 00:15:24,126
I really gotta poop.
332
00:15:24,209 --> 00:15:27,168
Señor Arroyo,
what level of government clearance
333
00:15:27,251 --> 00:15:29,501
do I have in this hypothetical?
334
00:15:29,584 --> 00:15:30,543
Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh.
335
00:15:30,626 --> 00:15:31,793
En Español, Caleb.
336
00:15:31,876 --> 00:15:33,418
Can I please use the bathroom?
337
00:15:33,501 --> 00:15:37,209
En Español, Señiorita Foreman-Verdewald.
338
00:15:37,293 --> 00:15:40,793
El baño, por favor.
Numero dos grande, man.
339
00:15:40,876 --> 00:15:42,668
[groaning]
340
00:15:43,834 --> 00:15:46,168
Holy crap. Did I crap myself?
341
00:15:46,251 --> 00:15:47,626
Happens to the best of us, darling.
342
00:15:47,709 --> 00:15:50,084
How the heck did I poop my pants
and not even know it?
343
00:15:50,168 --> 00:15:51,751
-Smell it. Smell the poop.
-Why?
344
00:15:51,834 --> 00:15:53,209
You know you want to.
345
00:15:54,376 --> 00:15:55,959
This isn't poop.
346
00:15:56,043 --> 00:15:57,293
I think it's blood.
347
00:15:57,376 --> 00:15:59,959
Like dark, thick, gloopy blood.
348
00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:01,251
Is that your period?
349
00:16:01,334 --> 00:16:03,334
Take a shit and smell that.
Compare the two.
350
00:16:03,418 --> 00:16:06,793
Aw! It feels like
there's a wicked little doll in there
351
00:16:06,876 --> 00:16:08,584
trying to stab its way out.
352
00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:11,626
Oh God, you're pale
and sweating and shaking.
353
00:16:11,709 --> 00:16:13,876
You look like Prince Andrew
getting interviewed.
354
00:16:13,959 --> 00:16:15,543
This can't be my period.
355
00:16:15,626 --> 00:16:18,418
My mom said I'd become one with the moon.
356
00:16:18,501 --> 00:16:21,001
She promised
a glorious ascension into womanhood.
357
00:16:21,084 --> 00:16:24,626
But this is
a dismal descent into diarrhea.
358
00:16:24,709 --> 00:16:26,126
[groaning]
359
00:16:26,209 --> 00:16:30,834
[Rita] But alas, Missy couldn't confess
her agony to any of her friends.
360
00:16:30,918 --> 00:16:35,376
She was trapped in a prison
of her own menstrual lies.
361
00:16:35,459 --> 00:16:37,043
Hey, there, sweetie.
362
00:16:37,126 --> 00:16:39,834
That show you like
where they breakdance to math problems
363
00:16:39,918 --> 00:16:41,918
is about to start on PBS Kids.
364
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,376
Not interested.
365
00:16:43,918 --> 00:16:46,876
[Rita] Missy's mother
had gotten sufficiently used to this
366
00:16:46,959 --> 00:16:50,709
as Missy's 13th year
had become increasingly trying.
367
00:16:50,793 --> 00:16:52,959
I just hate you. No one talk to me.
368
00:16:53,043 --> 00:16:55,334
I don't wanna make my own raisins.
369
00:16:55,418 --> 00:16:57,376
[groaning]
370
00:16:57,459 --> 00:16:58,876
-Yuck.
-What are you doing?
371
00:16:58,959 --> 00:17:01,584
You're not putting
your bloody panties in there, are you?
372
00:17:01,668 --> 00:17:02,793
Where should I put them?
373
00:17:02,876 --> 00:17:04,876
Hide them. Deep in the trash bin.
374
00:17:04,959 --> 00:17:06,043
Oh yeah, good call.
375
00:17:07,626 --> 00:17:08,709
Well done, Missy.
376
00:17:08,793 --> 00:17:11,501
Your secret is safe
beneath a pile of bamboo tissues
377
00:17:11,584 --> 00:17:13,918
-and compostable dental floss.
-[sighs]
378
00:17:14,001 --> 00:17:17,459
I wish I could compost
my whole stupid body.
379
00:17:18,084 --> 00:17:19,543
[Rita] There Missy lay,
380
00:17:19,626 --> 00:17:25,793
simmering in a toxic stew
of pain, secrets, rage, and lies.
381
00:17:25,876 --> 00:17:29,751
The perfect recipe
for a bouillabaisse of shame.
382
00:17:29,834 --> 00:17:31,543
Fuck you, moon.
383
00:17:31,626 --> 00:17:32,668
[knocking on door]
384
00:17:32,751 --> 00:17:33,584
Missy?
385
00:17:33,668 --> 00:17:34,668
Oh, go away.
386
00:17:34,751 --> 00:17:37,334
Sweetheart, did you get your period?
387
00:17:37,418 --> 00:17:40,251
Ew, Mom, you pulled them out of the trash?
388
00:17:40,334 --> 00:17:43,418
Why wouldn't you share
such wonderful news?
389
00:17:43,501 --> 00:17:46,501
Because it's gross and painful and brown
390
00:17:46,584 --> 00:17:48,668
and nothing like you said it would be.
391
00:17:48,751 --> 00:17:51,126
-Oh, honey. I--
-Why didn't you prepare me for this?
392
00:17:51,209 --> 00:17:53,418
-You lied to me.
I didn't lie.
393
00:17:53,501 --> 00:17:57,293
I'm not a moon goddess.
I'm a diarrhea fountain.
394
00:17:57,376 --> 00:17:58,918
I just wanted you to feel like
395
00:17:59,001 --> 00:18:02,293
getting your period
was a wonderful rite of passage.
396
00:18:02,376 --> 00:18:06,251
Well, lady, you got it 100% wrong.
397
00:18:06,334 --> 00:18:10,418
I'm sorry, I've never had
a 13-year-old girl before.
398
00:18:10,501 --> 00:18:12,084
But you were one.
399
00:18:12,168 --> 00:18:16,293
And I want your life
to be better than mine.
400
00:18:16,376 --> 00:18:18,418
You know what happened
when I got my period?
401
00:18:18,501 --> 00:18:21,626
Didn't you, like,
merge with the Earth, or whatever?
402
00:18:21,709 --> 00:18:24,376
My mother slapped me
and said, "Mazel tov."
403
00:18:24,459 --> 00:18:26,543
Open hand right across the face.
404
00:18:26,626 --> 00:18:27,459
Why?
405
00:18:27,543 --> 00:18:29,126
Some Jewish tradition
406
00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:31,501
-about bringing the blood back to my face.
-What?
407
00:18:31,584 --> 00:18:34,751
Also, your bubbe
was a terrible bitch and an awful woman.
408
00:18:34,834 --> 00:18:36,084
May she rest in peace.
409
00:18:36,168 --> 00:18:37,668
[groans]
410
00:18:37,751 --> 00:18:42,584
-It feels like a wicked doll is stabbing--
-Is stabbing you from the inside?
411
00:18:42,668 --> 00:18:43,626
Yes.
412
00:18:43,709 --> 00:18:44,751
I'll tell you what.
413
00:18:44,834 --> 00:18:49,751
I'm going to give you a couple Advil
from my private stash.
414
00:18:49,834 --> 00:18:51,418
You take Advil?
415
00:18:51,501 --> 00:18:54,251
Every goddamn month.
416
00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:57,918
But Dad says all the medicine we need
can be found in the earth.
417
00:18:58,001 --> 00:19:01,293
Yeah, well, he's never had cramps
that make it feel
418
00:19:01,376 --> 00:19:04,084
-like your anus is gonna explode.
-[chuckles]
419
00:19:04,168 --> 00:19:09,376
I know it doesn't feel like it,
but your period is a beautiful thing.
420
00:19:09,459 --> 00:19:10,834
I'm grateful for mine
421
00:19:10,918 --> 00:19:14,959
because it reminds me
of how my body made you.
422
00:19:15,043 --> 00:19:16,334
Oh, Mom.
423
00:19:16,418 --> 00:19:18,501
Can I please hug you?
424
00:19:18,584 --> 00:19:21,293
Can we check in after you get the Advil?
425
00:19:22,501 --> 00:19:25,751
Not every vagina shame story
ends tragically.
426
00:19:25,834 --> 00:19:27,043
Unfortunately.
427
00:19:27,126 --> 00:19:28,959
Now, I wager you're thinking
428
00:19:29,043 --> 00:19:32,626
at least vagina shame goes away
as you become an adult.
429
00:19:32,709 --> 00:19:36,918
Well, as usual,
you're wrong and you look foolish.
430
00:19:37,001 --> 00:19:40,626
Case study number four: Caitlin Grafton.
431
00:19:40,709 --> 00:19:44,126
Remember her?
"The Cheese Girl" from Jessi's house?
432
00:19:44,209 --> 00:19:46,168
Caitlin is 26 years old,
433
00:19:46,251 --> 00:19:51,126
seven months pregnant
and about to get some very troubling news.
434
00:19:51,209 --> 00:19:53,376
Caitlin, I'm looking
at your ultrasound results.
435
00:19:53,459 --> 00:19:55,418
Sweet, sweet.
Is everything chill in there?
436
00:19:55,501 --> 00:19:58,584
Well, have you ever heard of CPD?
437
00:19:58,668 --> 00:20:01,001
Oh, sure, California Pizza Ditchen.
438
00:20:01,084 --> 00:20:03,709
No. Cephalopelvic disproportion.
439
00:20:03,793 --> 00:20:07,668
It means your pelvis
is too small to safely deliver vaginally.
440
00:20:07,751 --> 00:20:11,251
Oh my. Who knew it could be too small?
441
00:20:11,334 --> 00:20:14,084
Caitlin, I would strongly consider
a C-section,
442
00:20:14,168 --> 00:20:16,459
both for your safety and the baby's.
443
00:20:16,543 --> 00:20:19,543
Oh. But I have a natural birth plan.
444
00:20:19,626 --> 00:20:21,168
Yeah, I was gonna take my shirt off
445
00:20:21,251 --> 00:20:23,668
and play harmonica,
like, right in the baby's face.
446
00:20:23,751 --> 00:20:27,876
Okay. Yeah, I think it's time
to make a different plan.
447
00:20:27,959 --> 00:20:30,293
A C-section? Oh no.
448
00:20:30,376 --> 00:20:32,751
I didn't even wanna get an epidural, man.
449
00:20:32,834 --> 00:20:37,334
Oh dear,
Caitlin has a defective birth canal. Hmm.
450
00:20:37,418 --> 00:20:41,501
But at least she has the support
of an aging, stoned doofus.
451
00:20:41,584 --> 00:20:42,501
[chuckles]
452
00:20:42,584 --> 00:20:45,834
Babe, I just don't get
why it's such a big deal.
453
00:20:45,918 --> 00:20:48,876
Oh, you don't get why it's a big deal?
454
00:20:48,959 --> 00:20:51,751
No, I mean, yeah, it's a bummer
that you need to have a C-section--
455
00:20:51,834 --> 00:20:56,084
Oh, it's a "bummer," Greg. Uh-huh.
Are you sure it's not a "major bummer"?
456
00:20:56,168 --> 00:20:57,834
I don't wanna say something,
457
00:20:57,918 --> 00:21:00,293
but I also don't wanna not say something?
458
00:21:00,376 --> 00:21:02,334
I just really didn't want a C-section.
459
00:21:02,418 --> 00:21:04,209
I wanted to give birth naturally,
460
00:21:04,293 --> 00:21:06,668
the way women have been doing
for millions of years.
461
00:21:06,751 --> 00:21:09,834
I feel like a failure,
and you obviously don't understand.
462
00:21:09,918 --> 00:21:11,918
Okay, okay, but on the bright side,
463
00:21:12,001 --> 00:21:15,126
when the baby comes out,
your vagina won't be, um… mangled?
464
00:21:15,209 --> 00:21:16,584
Oh, fuck you.
465
00:21:16,668 --> 00:21:17,793
Sorry, not mangled.
466
00:21:17,876 --> 00:21:18,918
Uh.
467
00:21:19,001 --> 00:21:20,376
Exploded?
468
00:21:20,459 --> 00:21:21,959
-[door opens and closes]
-[Caitlin] Ugh!
469
00:21:22,043 --> 00:21:24,543
I find Greg to be very special.
470
00:21:24,626 --> 00:21:27,418
-[crying]
-As Caitlin waddled to the loo,
471
00:21:27,501 --> 00:21:29,668
she was positive that no one on Earth
472
00:21:29,751 --> 00:21:33,376
felt quite as terrible as she did
about their sweetie.
473
00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:37,209
Cool. The lady Shane Lizard used my word.
474
00:21:37,293 --> 00:21:39,293
All right, okay.
475
00:21:39,376 --> 00:21:40,709
[evil laughing]
476
00:21:40,793 --> 00:21:43,043
I'm winning.
477
00:21:43,126 --> 00:21:45,418
You shut up, Beatrice. Hey.
478
00:21:45,501 --> 00:21:47,209
Oh God, I'm sorry, I just--
479
00:21:47,293 --> 00:21:49,709
-Oh. Jessi, honey, what's wrong?
-[crying]
480
00:21:49,793 --> 00:21:51,709
Her vagina's gone crazy.
481
00:21:51,793 --> 00:21:54,459
Jessi's vagina doesn't live here anymore.
482
00:21:54,543 --> 00:21:56,709
There is only Beatrice.
483
00:21:56,793 --> 00:22:00,793
I'm itching, and it burns, and there's
this horrible, gross gunk in my underwear.
484
00:22:00,876 --> 00:22:03,834
It's like a scoop of ricotta
in a cotton hammock.
485
00:22:03,918 --> 00:22:07,168
I don't know if I have vaginitis
or cancer or vagina cancer or what.
486
00:22:07,251 --> 00:22:08,543
Oh, babe, no.
487
00:22:08,626 --> 00:22:11,376
No, no, don't worry.
That's just a yeast infection.
488
00:22:11,459 --> 00:22:13,459
A yeast infection?
489
00:22:13,543 --> 00:22:15,043
Cool. Cool name.
490
00:22:15,126 --> 00:22:17,168
Ooh. And you used these wipes?
491
00:22:17,251 --> 00:22:19,084
Yeah, and they made things even worse.
492
00:22:19,168 --> 00:22:21,334
[barking]
493
00:22:21,418 --> 00:22:23,293
Yeah, the wipes totally suck.
494
00:22:23,376 --> 00:22:25,376
But I've actually got something
in here for you.
495
00:22:25,459 --> 00:22:28,209
I feel disgusting. Am I disgusting?
496
00:22:28,293 --> 00:22:30,418
No, no, you are not disgusting.
497
00:22:30,501 --> 00:22:32,751
You're just a girl
who wore her leggings too long.
498
00:22:32,834 --> 00:22:34,459
We should have listened to you.
499
00:22:34,543 --> 00:22:37,084
It's just that we think you fucking suck.
500
00:22:37,168 --> 00:22:40,043
Here you go. This is called Monistat.
501
00:22:40,126 --> 00:22:41,959
Oh no, not Monistat. No.
502
00:22:42,043 --> 00:22:44,126
The cream will really help you
with that itch.
503
00:22:44,209 --> 00:22:46,376
[whimpering] Wow.
504
00:22:46,459 --> 00:22:47,668
Oh, this shit works.
505
00:22:47,751 --> 00:22:52,334
Jessi, you buy a truckload of this stuff
because Mama likes Monistat.
506
00:22:52,418 --> 00:22:53,334
Mama likes.
507
00:22:53,418 --> 00:22:56,418
Oh, thank God. Beatrice is gone.
508
00:22:56,501 --> 00:22:57,918
-[crying]
-Oh.
509
00:22:58,001 --> 00:23:00,543
Oh, Caitlin, don't worry.
Beatrice isn't a real person.
510
00:23:00,626 --> 00:23:02,793
She's just, like, an evil spirit
that lives in my vagina.
511
00:23:02,876 --> 00:23:05,001
No, it's not that.
512
00:23:05,543 --> 00:23:06,959
I have CPD.
513
00:23:07,043 --> 00:23:08,876
You mean California Pizza Ditchen?
514
00:23:08,959 --> 00:23:11,501
It means I need to have a C-section.
515
00:23:11,584 --> 00:23:13,459
And I wanted to have a natural birth.
516
00:23:13,543 --> 00:23:16,293
And this just… It wasn't my plan.
517
00:23:16,376 --> 00:23:20,626
Oh shit, I'm sorry.
That really sucks, Caitlin.
518
00:23:20,709 --> 00:23:23,459
Yes. That's the correct response.
Thank you.
519
00:23:23,543 --> 00:23:26,001
You know, I was a C-section baby.
520
00:23:26,084 --> 00:23:27,834
-Wait, really?
-Yeah.
521
00:23:27,918 --> 00:23:28,751
Wow.
522
00:23:28,834 --> 00:23:33,751
Well, knowing you're a C-section baby
actually makes me feel a little better.
523
00:23:33,834 --> 00:23:35,001
-Really?
-Yeah.
524
00:23:35,501 --> 00:23:38,543
Like, maybe this kid
will be as awesome as you are.
525
00:23:38,626 --> 00:23:40,126
Oh, thank you.
526
00:23:40,209 --> 00:23:43,209
Okay, hold up. Do we like Caitlin now?
527
00:23:43,293 --> 00:23:44,626
I don't know, kinda.
528
00:23:44,709 --> 00:23:47,001
[Jessi's vagina]
Personally, I'm obsessed with her.
529
00:23:47,084 --> 00:23:49,168
And hey, guys,
can we be real for a second?
530
00:23:49,251 --> 00:23:51,293
Sure, talking vagina, let's be real.
531
00:23:51,376 --> 00:23:53,918
I'm just a muscular, elastic organ,
532
00:23:54,001 --> 00:23:56,084
you know,
like any other part of your body.
533
00:23:56,168 --> 00:23:57,626
I'm capable of great pleasure,
534
00:23:57,709 --> 00:24:01,209
and yeah, sometimes,
itchy, horrible red-hot pain.
535
00:24:01,293 --> 00:24:03,584
But all the baggage
that society puts on me,
536
00:24:03,668 --> 00:24:05,751
you know, that is what really stinks.
537
00:24:05,834 --> 00:24:06,793
So you know what?
538
00:24:06,876 --> 00:24:09,751
Maybe it's society that needs to douche.
539
00:24:09,834 --> 00:24:12,168
Yeah. Douche society.
540
00:24:12,251 --> 00:24:15,668
And after all that,
you still got a problem with vaginas?
541
00:24:15,751 --> 00:24:19,001
Then you can go ahead
and kiss my neighbor. [chuckles]
542
00:24:19,084 --> 00:24:22,459
-She's talking about your asshole.
-Yeah, I got that one.
543
00:24:22,543 --> 00:24:24,751
Bring it in. Come on, right here.
544
00:24:24,834 --> 00:24:26,501
[Jessi's vagina] I love you guys.
545
00:24:27,459 --> 00:24:31,793
Alas, camaraderie, compassion, and empathy
546
00:24:31,876 --> 00:24:34,043
are the cruel enemies of shame.
547
00:24:34,126 --> 00:24:38,459
But don't worry about me.
I've got a few tricks up my vagina.
548
00:24:38,543 --> 00:24:41,293
I feel so much better.
549
00:24:41,376 --> 00:24:42,668
Oh, me too.
550
00:24:42,751 --> 00:24:44,376
I'm sorry I pulled a gun on you.
551
00:24:44,459 --> 00:24:46,959
-Hey, don't beat yourself up. It happens.
-[phone rings]
552
00:24:47,043 --> 00:24:49,709
Jessi. Hi. Is everything okay?
553
00:24:49,793 --> 00:24:52,459
I have a new phone and I didn't see
the little notification thingy.
554
00:24:52,543 --> 00:24:54,209
No. No, it's… it's fine.
555
00:24:54,293 --> 00:24:58,376
I had a yeast infection,
but, um, Caitlin helped.
556
00:24:58,459 --> 00:25:00,543
Oh, Caitlin helped. That's great.
557
00:25:00,626 --> 00:25:03,959
Yeah. I mean, just because
she was here, you know. Is that okay?
558
00:25:04,043 --> 00:25:06,251
Of course. Jessi, it's great.
559
00:25:06,334 --> 00:25:09,543
It's a great, great thing
to have the help of Caitlin.
560
00:25:09,626 --> 00:25:11,043
Uh, I'm sorry.
561
00:25:11,126 --> 00:25:13,959
Don't be. I'm sorry.
I should've been there for you.
562
00:25:14,043 --> 00:25:16,168
You're obviously upset. I'm really sorry.
563
00:25:16,251 --> 00:25:19,043
I'm sorry if you think I'm upset.
I'm a terrible mother.
564
00:25:19,126 --> 00:25:21,584
No, you're an amazing mother.
I think I'm a really bad daughter.
565
00:25:21,668 --> 00:25:22,543
I'm gonna do better.
566
00:25:22,626 --> 00:25:24,626
I should've helped you
figure out your phone.
567
00:25:24,709 --> 00:25:26,418
Okay, I'm gonna figure out the phone.
568
00:25:26,501 --> 00:25:27,459
Did you see?
569
00:25:27,543 --> 00:25:29,043
Did you see what happened there?
570
00:25:29,126 --> 00:25:31,168
Shame doesn't just go away.
571
00:25:31,251 --> 00:25:34,876
It adapts,
and comes back stronger than ever.
572
00:25:34,959 --> 00:25:40,001
Such is the enduring power
of Women and Shame,
573
00:25:40,084 --> 00:25:44,626
available now, in all women's minds,
always and everywhere.
574
00:25:44,709 --> 00:25:46,376
Also, at Amazon.
575
00:25:46,459 --> 00:25:50,168
And yes, you should feel bad
about shopping there.
576
00:25:50,251 --> 00:25:51,501
[laughs]
577
00:25:51,584 --> 00:25:53,584
[whimsical music playing]