1
00:00:06,668 --> 00:00:08,459
[gulping]
2
00:00:08,543 --> 00:00:13,084
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Drink up, my sweet angel.
3
00:00:13,168 --> 00:00:15,793
Uh, wow,
kid really likes your breast milk.
4
00:00:15,876 --> 00:00:17,168
Milk? No, Andrew.
5
00:00:17,251 --> 00:00:20,084
Hormone monster breasts
produce Mountain Dew.
6
00:00:20,168 --> 00:00:22,668
Code Red on the left,
classic green on the right.
7
00:00:22,751 --> 00:00:25,959
Yeah, but the green Dew
gives me hard poo-poo.
8
00:00:26,043 --> 00:00:29,126
[laughs]
Yeah, Montel won't touch my right teat,
9
00:00:29,209 --> 00:00:32,084
which, as you can see,
is painfully engorged.
10
00:00:32,168 --> 00:00:33,001
[Andrew] Oh, yeah.
11
00:00:33,084 --> 00:00:34,376
Sorry, Mama Maury.
12
00:00:34,459 --> 00:00:37,168
And sorry about turning lefty here
into nipple tartare.
13
00:00:37,251 --> 00:00:39,584
Oh, that's okay, Montel.
14
00:00:39,668 --> 00:00:41,918
Suckle to your heart's content.
15
00:00:42,001 --> 00:00:42,918
[groans]
16
00:00:43,001 --> 00:00:44,584
So, I don't know how this works.
17
00:00:44,668 --> 00:00:49,251
Is it bad form to, uh, milk myself
when there's a baby present?
18
00:00:49,334 --> 00:00:52,168
-Don't be silly, Andrew.
-Oh, just pretend I'm not here.
19
00:00:52,251 --> 00:00:53,668
All right, if you insist.
20
00:00:53,751 --> 00:00:56,626
Wait. Put down your penis.
The love of your life is calling.
21
00:00:56,709 --> 00:00:57,959
Oh, it's Bernie.
22
00:00:58,043 --> 00:00:59,251
Hola, Papi.
23
00:00:59,334 --> 00:01:02,334
Hey, dollface, guess what?
I'm coming to see you.
24
00:01:02,418 --> 00:01:03,293
-What?
-In person?
25
00:01:03,376 --> 00:01:04,418
For horny time?
26
00:01:04,501 --> 00:01:07,293
Yeah, Friday.
We're taking my brother to visit Rutgers,
27
00:01:07,376 --> 00:01:09,543
and my parents said
they'd drop me off for dinner.
28
00:01:09,626 --> 00:01:11,043
Would that be okay?
29
00:01:11,126 --> 00:01:14,293
I mean, I don't know why he'd visit
a safety school, but of course.
30
00:01:14,376 --> 00:01:18,126
Maybe we could even… [chuckles]
…finish what we started in Vermont?
31
00:01:18,209 --> 00:01:20,959
Maury, she's talking about
when we nearly boob-touched.
32
00:01:21,043 --> 00:01:23,084
That was the most important day
of my life,
33
00:01:23,168 --> 00:01:26,834
until this little angel
shot out of my bunghole.
34
00:01:26,918 --> 00:01:28,959
Aw, it was a big day for me too.
35
00:01:29,043 --> 00:01:31,418
Bernie, I would love nothing more.
36
00:01:31,501 --> 00:01:33,668
It's a plan, my clammy-hands man.
37
00:01:33,751 --> 00:01:40,168
Okay, I gotta jump, but I will see you
for our intra-boobular exchange. Muah.
38
00:01:40,251 --> 00:01:41,918
Oh my God, did you hear that?
39
00:01:42,001 --> 00:01:44,126
Andrew's finally gonna touch a boob.
40
00:01:44,209 --> 00:01:47,918
Oh, dreams do come true in America, boys.
41
00:01:49,959 --> 00:01:55,501
♪ I'm going through changes ♪
42
00:01:59,418 --> 00:02:05,501
♪ I'm going through changes ♪
43
00:02:05,584 --> 00:02:07,751
♪ Oh, in my life ♪
44
00:02:09,251 --> 00:02:12,376
♪ Oh, ooh, ooh ♪
45
00:02:20,709 --> 00:02:23,334
I'm telling you, Mom,
you're gonna love Bernie.
46
00:02:23,418 --> 00:02:24,876
She's like a young George Burns.
47
00:02:24,959 --> 00:02:26,543
Well, I can't wait to finally meet her.
48
00:02:26,626 --> 00:02:27,668
You can't wait to meet who?
49
00:02:27,751 --> 00:02:31,376
Andrew's friend from Vermont
is joining us for Shabbat dinner tonight.
50
00:02:31,459 --> 00:02:33,001
Shabbat? No, thank you.
51
00:02:33,084 --> 00:02:37,084
Marty, I've told you a million times.
Rabbi Paulblart is coming.
52
00:02:37,168 --> 00:02:39,543
That putz in my home?
What, did we lose a raffle?
53
00:02:39,626 --> 00:02:41,793
You really don't listen to a word I say.
54
00:02:41,876 --> 00:02:45,293
If what you had to say was so important,
you'd be on my TV!
55
00:02:45,376 --> 00:02:48,668
Andrew, are they going to scream at
each other like this while Bernie's here?
56
00:02:48,751 --> 00:02:50,209
Oh, without a doubt. Why do you ask?
57
00:02:50,293 --> 00:02:52,668
Marty, I want you
on your best behavior tonight.
58
00:02:52,751 --> 00:02:56,001
The rabbi has a very demanding schedule.
We're lucky to get him.
59
00:02:56,084 --> 00:02:57,834
Who's this guy think he is, huh?
60
00:02:57,918 --> 00:03:00,084
Debra Messing, Queen of the Jews?
61
00:03:00,168 --> 00:03:01,251
[bell rings]
62
00:03:01,334 --> 00:03:04,334
Check it out.
My secret grandpa was, like, famous.
63
00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:05,751
Nipple twisting champion?
64
00:03:05,834 --> 00:03:08,084
-Born in Inverness.
-I'm assuming that's Scotland?
65
00:03:08,168 --> 00:03:10,126
Married to Rose MacGregor until--
66
00:03:10,209 --> 00:03:13,209
Oh, your grandma's dead, Nick.
My condolences.
67
00:03:13,293 --> 00:03:15,376
Uh, whatever.
I mean, she didn't do sports or anything.
68
00:03:15,459 --> 00:03:18,209
But Seamus, he's a fucking badass.
69
00:03:18,293 --> 00:03:21,043
And I found out
he still lives in Staten Island.
70
00:03:21,126 --> 00:03:22,501
You wanna come with me to meet him?
71
00:03:22,584 --> 00:03:26,584
Oh, I'd love to, Nick,
but actually, I'd hate to… [chuckles]
72
00:03:26,668 --> 00:03:31,209
…because tonight, I'll be busy
palpating my girlfriend's breasts.
73
00:03:31,293 --> 00:03:32,251
That rocks. Have fun.
74
00:03:32,334 --> 00:03:36,043
Yeah, just a typical Fri
for the Glouber guy. [chuckles]
75
00:03:36,126 --> 00:03:37,543
I've never done this before.
76
00:03:37,626 --> 00:03:40,209
-The one-month anniversary's a tricky one.
-Mm-hmm.
77
00:03:40,293 --> 00:03:41,876
It's too soon for a huge gift,
78
00:03:41,959 --> 00:03:43,876
but I still want Jay to know I'm into him.
79
00:03:43,959 --> 00:03:45,418
I feel like a playlist could be cool?
80
00:03:45,501 --> 00:03:47,501
-Oh, that feeling is wrong.
-Oh.
81
00:03:47,584 --> 00:03:49,751
Happy anniversary, babe. [gasps]
82
00:03:49,834 --> 00:03:52,793
Oh my God! Did you get me a gay present?
83
00:03:52,876 --> 00:03:54,543
Uh, just a regular present.
84
00:03:54,626 --> 00:03:58,418
So, what?
Do I just rip the skin off of this box?
85
00:03:58,501 --> 00:04:00,709
-It's actually called wrapping paper.
-[grunts]
86
00:04:00,793 --> 00:04:02,793
Oh, okay. Oh, be careful.
87
00:04:02,876 --> 00:04:03,793
Oh.
88
00:04:03,876 --> 00:04:09,376
-A fancy pen for Jay.
-Uh, open your fucking eyes, Jessi.
89
00:04:09,459 --> 00:04:12,543
-It's a robot dick, obviously.
-No.
90
00:04:12,626 --> 00:04:15,793
I'm gonna suck it
until the blue juice comes out.
91
00:04:15,876 --> 00:04:18,001
Okay. No, no, no. No, no, no. It's a pen.
92
00:04:18,084 --> 00:04:20,293
-A very expensive pen.
-Oh.
93
00:04:20,376 --> 00:04:22,793
I'm sorry.
I knew I should've come shopping with you.
94
00:04:22,876 --> 00:04:25,293
I've just been so overwhelmed
with breastfeeding.
95
00:04:25,376 --> 00:04:26,543
-Of course.
-Montel.
96
00:04:26,626 --> 00:04:30,126
Please take Daddy's Code Red boob.
It's the one you like.
97
00:04:30,209 --> 00:04:32,376
But that nipple's all scabby now.
98
00:04:32,459 --> 00:04:34,418
Well, yeah, because you chewed it up.
99
00:04:34,501 --> 00:04:35,543
Guys, please shush.
100
00:04:35,626 --> 00:04:38,959
Matthew, let's get
this man-niversary back on track.
101
00:04:39,043 --> 00:04:42,501
Tonight, my house will be empty,
my nuts will be full,
102
00:04:42,584 --> 00:04:45,876
and I'm gonna cook you a romantic dinner.
103
00:04:45,959 --> 00:04:47,876
That actually sounds kind of nice.
104
00:04:47,959 --> 00:04:53,126
It's gonna be so beautiful,
you're gonna squirt blue juice everywhere.
105
00:04:53,209 --> 00:04:56,959
Hey, Jessi, guess what?
I got you a robot dick too.
106
00:04:57,043 --> 00:04:58,793
You mean a fancy pen.
107
00:04:58,876 --> 00:05:02,709
Oh no, this is 100% a dildo.
I have a dildo at school now.
108
00:05:02,793 --> 00:05:06,501
Oh shit. Is that my little Monte Cristo?
109
00:05:06,584 --> 00:05:09,751
Connie Mommy. Oh, do our game.
110
00:05:09,834 --> 00:05:12,001
Bounce a baby,
bounce a baby, bounce a baby.
111
00:05:12,084 --> 00:05:13,209
Fuck, yeah.
112
00:05:13,293 --> 00:05:14,626
Mother with a mustache.
113
00:05:14,709 --> 00:05:17,459
Oh, that's fucking smart. Never change.
114
00:05:17,543 --> 00:05:19,293
Jesus, Maury, what's wrong with you?
115
00:05:19,376 --> 00:05:21,501
Oh, I'm just so exhausted.
116
00:05:21,584 --> 00:05:22,584
I'm not sleeping.
117
00:05:22,668 --> 00:05:25,834
And Montel
won't suckle on my tig old bitties.
118
00:05:25,918 --> 00:05:28,543
-No, no.
-Please, Montel, just a sip.
119
00:05:28,626 --> 00:05:31,459
I fucking hate you and your shit face.
120
00:05:31,543 --> 00:05:34,668
Okay. You seem to have everything handled.
121
00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,376
I don't. I clearly don't.
122
00:05:36,459 --> 00:05:37,334
-Bye.
-Connie.
123
00:05:37,418 --> 00:05:41,209
I'm gonna punch you while you're dying.
124
00:05:41,293 --> 00:05:42,834
[cries]
125
00:05:42,918 --> 00:05:47,418
I can't believe you scored an interview
with Fran Lebowitz for your school report.
126
00:05:47,501 --> 00:05:51,543
Yep, it's pretty unbelievable,
but absolutely, completely true.
127
00:05:51,626 --> 00:05:53,418
Be careful, my sweet little baby bird.
128
00:05:53,501 --> 00:05:57,334
Tweet-tweet.
That's daddy bird for "you're my world."
129
00:05:57,418 --> 00:06:00,251
Ugh, I bet my grandpa
wouldn't coddle me like that.
130
00:06:00,334 --> 00:06:03,251
I mean, maybe I'm crazy
to try and find him, but-- Ah!
131
00:06:03,334 --> 00:06:04,334
Nick, listen to me.
132
00:06:04,418 --> 00:06:05,459
You are not crazy.
133
00:06:05,543 --> 00:06:07,959
If I were a human mister man like you,
134
00:06:08,043 --> 00:06:10,584
I would make the exact same choice as you.
135
00:06:10,668 --> 00:06:11,501
Okay.
136
00:06:11,584 --> 00:06:13,543
Glad that makes you feel better, my baby.
137
00:06:13,626 --> 00:06:15,834
It does not. It… It actually rattles me.
138
00:06:15,918 --> 00:06:18,959
-All right, choo-choo time. Choo-choo.
-[train horn blows]
139
00:06:19,959 --> 00:06:23,334
Mm. Jay, it's perfectly balanced.
140
00:06:23,418 --> 00:06:27,043
Like an ice cube
sitting on top of your hard dick.
141
00:06:27,126 --> 00:06:29,418
Thanks, guys.
I just really wanna show Matthew
142
00:06:29,501 --> 00:06:32,376
that I can be classy
and sophisticated too.
143
00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:36,918
Well, I, for one,
can't wait to meet this Matthew stud.
144
00:06:37,001 --> 00:06:40,709
The four of us can build
such a steamy fuck fort together.
145
00:06:40,793 --> 00:06:45,334
Oh, I really don't think
he's a fuck fort kinda guy.
146
00:06:45,418 --> 00:06:48,084
He's, like, super fancy and clean.
147
00:06:48,168 --> 00:06:51,459
I guess, picture a… professor of soap?
148
00:06:51,543 --> 00:06:53,834
So, what, we're not invited?
149
00:06:53,918 --> 00:06:55,251
Are you ashamed of us?
150
00:06:55,334 --> 00:06:57,126
No, of course not.
151
00:06:57,209 --> 00:07:00,293
I… I just want this to be
Matthew's perfect night.
152
00:07:00,376 --> 00:07:04,793
-Well, can we at least watch?
-We promise we won't make a peep.
153
00:07:04,876 --> 00:07:08,043
Huh. So, you'd be watching me
and Matthew do stuff
154
00:07:08,126 --> 00:07:10,918
while you flick your little zippers?
155
00:07:11,001 --> 00:07:11,959
Yeah, Daddy.
156
00:07:12,043 --> 00:07:14,584
I'm gonna get my stuffing
caught in the teeth.
157
00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:16,876
Oh shit. [chuckles]
158
00:07:16,959 --> 00:07:20,209
Okay. Voyeurism wolf.
159
00:07:20,293 --> 00:07:21,626
[all howl]
160
00:07:22,251 --> 00:07:23,251
[phone dings]
161
00:07:23,334 --> 00:07:24,876
-Bernie's ETA is in 15 minutes.
-[farts]
162
00:07:24,959 --> 00:07:28,418
Fifteen or 50?
Say it without farting in anticipation.
163
00:07:28,501 --> 00:07:29,584
Fifteen. One-five.
164
00:07:29,668 --> 00:07:31,293
-Oh my, that is soon.
-[farting]
165
00:07:31,376 --> 00:07:33,584
Andrew, at the risk of more flatulence,
166
00:07:33,668 --> 00:07:36,001
I just have to say,
this could be the greatest night
167
00:07:36,084 --> 00:07:37,543
of your whole ugly little life.
168
00:07:37,626 --> 00:07:40,293
Flanny, my dear, I couldn't agree more.
169
00:07:40,376 --> 00:07:43,168
♪ Tonight's gonna change
My whole life story ♪
170
00:07:43,251 --> 00:07:45,918
♪ A moment of unmatched magnitude ♪
171
00:07:46,001 --> 00:07:48,793
♪ It's finally time to taste the glory ♪
172
00:07:48,876 --> 00:07:51,501
♪ I'm gonna touch a boob ♪
173
00:07:51,584 --> 00:07:54,418
♪ Gonna treat my guy so fine and fancy ♪
174
00:07:54,501 --> 00:07:57,251
♪ We'll eat off plates like royalty ♪
175
00:07:57,334 --> 00:08:00,126
♪ I'll be so suave, he'll shit his pants ♪
176
00:08:00,209 --> 00:08:03,001
♪ He won't believe it's me ♪
177
00:08:03,084 --> 00:08:05,709
♪ I'm done with my wimpy-ass family ♪
178
00:08:05,793 --> 00:08:08,501
♪ I'm taking my fate in my hands ♪
179
00:08:08,584 --> 00:08:11,543
♪ I'm sick of the coddling
And emotional swaddling ♪
180
00:08:11,626 --> 00:08:15,209
♪ Tonight I'll become a man ♪
181
00:08:15,834 --> 00:08:18,084
♪ I got a date with destiny ♪
182
00:08:18,168 --> 00:08:21,459
♪ There's no way it can't go right ♪
183
00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:26,293
♪ Everything's gonna be magical tonight ♪
184
00:08:26,793 --> 00:08:32,043
♪ I'm giving this Shabbat
Everything this old girl's got ♪
185
00:08:32,126 --> 00:08:37,293
♪ I'll be
A dazzling, brisket-bearing Judaic queen ♪
186
00:08:37,376 --> 00:08:40,501
♪ Every rabbi's dream ♪
187
00:08:40,584 --> 00:08:44,043
♪ Oh, I got a hunch
There's good things coming ♪
188
00:08:44,126 --> 00:08:46,418
♪ The future is looking bright ♪
189
00:08:46,501 --> 00:08:48,834
♪ I'll be a manly, kick-ass dude ♪
190
00:08:48,918 --> 00:08:51,709
♪ For once, not a filthy low-class rube ♪
191
00:08:51,793 --> 00:08:54,584
♪ I'll be a boy who touched a boob ♪
192
00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:59,418
♪ After tonight ♪
193
00:08:59,918 --> 00:09:01,043
[doorbell rings]
194
00:09:01,126 --> 00:09:02,626
Hi. Did I miss the song?
195
00:09:02,709 --> 00:09:04,918
You did. You just missed it. Come in.
196
00:09:05,501 --> 00:09:07,543
Okay. I guess this is it?
197
00:09:07,626 --> 00:09:11,668
I can't believe we're gonna meet
the penis that made your dad.
198
00:09:11,751 --> 00:09:12,751
[sighs]
199
00:09:13,876 --> 00:09:14,834
Who the hell are you?
200
00:09:14,918 --> 00:09:19,209
Uh, hi.
I'm actually your grandson, Nick Birch.
201
00:09:19,293 --> 00:09:20,334
-Ha!
-My dad is--
202
00:09:20,418 --> 00:09:22,543
Well, he used to be your son,
William MacGregor,
203
00:09:22,626 --> 00:09:24,209
but now he's Elliot Birch.
204
00:09:24,293 --> 00:09:27,084
A shitty name for a shitty son.
205
00:09:27,168 --> 00:09:30,834
Right. It's a stupid made-up name.
I'm really a MacGregor.
206
00:09:30,918 --> 00:09:32,293
Ooh, are you then?
207
00:09:32,376 --> 00:09:35,376
Well, come on in, wee Nicky MacGregor.
208
00:09:35,459 --> 00:09:36,876
Should I take my shoes off?
209
00:09:36,959 --> 00:09:41,793
Shoes off? What for?
I haven't taken my shoes off in 15 years.
210
00:09:41,876 --> 00:09:43,543
Sorry, 50 or 15?
211
00:09:43,626 --> 00:09:45,001
One-five.
212
00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:49,001
Oh, I can't believe
you're actually here in my childhood home.
213
00:09:49,084 --> 00:09:51,376
Enough pleasantries.
Brief me on boob strategy.
214
00:09:51,459 --> 00:09:53,751
Okay. After dinner is our best window.
215
00:09:53,834 --> 00:09:54,834
My mom will do the dishes
216
00:09:54,918 --> 00:09:56,876
while my dad
will take his big evening shit.
217
00:09:56,959 --> 00:09:58,418
That should give us ten minutes.
218
00:09:58,501 --> 00:09:59,959
Copy. Call it nine for safety.
219
00:10:00,043 --> 00:10:02,251
If we move quickly,
it should be just enough time to--
220
00:10:02,334 --> 00:10:04,876
Run upstairs and mammogram each other raw?
221
00:10:04,959 --> 00:10:06,626
-[chuckles]
-Oh, the phrasing.
222
00:10:06,709 --> 00:10:08,709
Mm, you dazzle me.
223
00:10:08,793 --> 00:10:11,793
Jay, this dinner is to die for.
224
00:10:11,876 --> 00:10:14,709
-I mean, wow, duck à l'orange.
-[laughs]
225
00:10:14,793 --> 00:10:17,168
Oh, sweet Matthew, this isn't duck.
226
00:10:17,251 --> 00:10:19,959
This is a seagull I clobbered
with a lacrosse stick.
227
00:10:20,459 --> 00:10:21,501
-Oh.
-[chuckles]
228
00:10:21,584 --> 00:10:22,668
He put up a fight.
229
00:10:22,751 --> 00:10:26,293
Well, you know what? The seagull
is delicious, and I want the recipe.
230
00:10:26,376 --> 00:10:28,418
So this date is good, and I nailed it?
231
00:10:28,501 --> 00:10:29,584
In your own words, please.
232
00:10:29,668 --> 00:10:31,251
You did great, Jay.
233
00:10:31,334 --> 00:10:33,709
-Yes.
-You're fucking killing it, Jay.
234
00:10:33,793 --> 00:10:37,293
I'm so proud, I could fuck you
till you die in my arms, bro.
235
00:10:37,376 --> 00:10:41,084
Aw, thanks.
You guys are the wind beneath my balls.
236
00:10:41,168 --> 00:10:47,043
♪ Baruch ata adonai mi’kadesh ha Shabbat ♪
237
00:10:47,126 --> 00:10:48,834
Lovely blessing, Rabbi.
238
00:10:48,918 --> 00:10:50,209
Yeah, cute song. Let's eat.
239
00:10:50,293 --> 00:10:53,126
Not yet.
The rabbi still has to bless the challah.
240
00:10:53,209 --> 00:10:54,126
Oh, who cares?
241
00:10:54,209 --> 00:10:55,834
You think God's listening to us?
242
00:10:55,918 --> 00:10:57,751
He's probably busy making a new COVID.
243
00:10:57,834 --> 00:10:59,543
[clears throat] Guys, we have company.
244
00:10:59,626 --> 00:11:03,543
Uh, Barbara, this brisket
smells mouth-watering.
245
00:11:03,626 --> 00:11:06,709
It's from the kosher butcher,
the one with only seven fingers.
246
00:11:06,793 --> 00:11:09,418
Oh my God,
the price of kosher meat is obscene.
247
00:11:09,501 --> 00:11:12,043
Um, Mrs. Glouberman, this kugel is yummy.
248
00:11:12,126 --> 00:11:13,918
My family never has stuff like this.
249
00:11:14,001 --> 00:11:15,751
Yeah? Neither does ours, Bernie.
250
00:11:15,834 --> 00:11:18,168
Barbara's gone Jew-wild
for the rabbi tonight.
251
00:11:18,251 --> 00:11:19,584
Marty, it's for Shabbat.
252
00:11:19,668 --> 00:11:21,418
Oh, Barbara, since when do you care?
253
00:11:21,501 --> 00:11:25,626
Last Friday, we ate moo shu pork
in front of an all-new Madam Secretary.
254
00:11:25,709 --> 00:11:30,334
Andrew, your father's brisket-fueled rage
is kind of killing the mood with Bernie.
255
00:11:30,418 --> 00:11:33,543
I agree with Jiminy Cricket.
The vibe is bad.
256
00:11:33,626 --> 00:11:35,751
The vibe is always bad here, guys.
257
00:11:35,834 --> 00:11:39,668
We just need to get through dinner,
and then we can do the titty tango.
258
00:11:39,751 --> 00:11:41,293
Maury's right. We forge ahead.
259
00:11:41,376 --> 00:11:44,043
Now, I think the warm wetness
of the brisket
260
00:11:44,126 --> 00:11:46,751
might soothe my engorged bazongas.
261
00:11:47,251 --> 00:11:50,584
Ah. That feels so nice and Jewish.
262
00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:54,209
Wow, the '67 Nipple Twisting Championship.
263
00:11:54,293 --> 00:11:57,168
Isn't that when you took down
Mike "The Manicure" McNamara?
264
00:11:57,251 --> 00:12:01,293
Those sharp claws of his
were no match for my leathery teats.
265
00:12:01,376 --> 00:12:03,168
-Go ahead, give them a twist.
-Really?
266
00:12:03,251 --> 00:12:05,334
You have a gun? Shoot me in the teat.
267
00:12:05,418 --> 00:12:07,709
-I won't feel a thing.
-Well, I don't have a gun, so…
268
00:12:07,793 --> 00:12:10,418
Well, you clearly know
your nipple twisting, lad.
269
00:12:10,501 --> 00:12:14,251
I wish your lousy father
had as much appreciation for the sport.
270
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:16,334
Yeah. I mean, it's the sport of champions.
271
00:12:16,418 --> 00:12:19,001
-It should've been in the Olympics.
-In the Olympics.
272
00:12:19,084 --> 00:12:20,209
Yeah, exactly.
273
00:12:20,293 --> 00:12:22,668
You're a good shit, Nick MacGregor.
274
00:12:22,751 --> 00:12:26,459
Thank you. I am a good shit.
And so are you, Grandpa.
275
00:12:26,543 --> 00:12:27,501
Ah.
276
00:12:27,584 --> 00:12:29,584
I'm thirsty.
You want something from the kitchen?
277
00:12:29,668 --> 00:12:30,876
Yeah, I could do a snack.
278
00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:33,543
What are you thinking?
Uh, Pirate's Booty, LÄRABAR,
279
00:12:33,626 --> 00:12:36,459
or do you have
any of those Babybel cheeses?
280
00:12:39,834 --> 00:12:41,293
I've got beer and oatmeal.
281
00:12:41,376 --> 00:12:42,668
Uh-huh.
282
00:12:42,751 --> 00:12:47,918
Nick, check it out. The cockroaches
are taking me to lunch. Whee!
283
00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:49,959
-[moaning]
-Ooh.
284
00:12:50,043 --> 00:12:51,876
-Damn.
-Yes, Daddy.
285
00:12:51,959 --> 00:12:54,126
Uh, sorry, quick bathroom break.
286
00:12:54,209 --> 00:12:55,751
Don't go anywhere.
287
00:12:55,834 --> 00:12:58,626
And don't you piss too hard.
288
00:12:58,709 --> 00:12:59,543
[chuckles]
289
00:12:59,626 --> 00:13:00,626
Yo!
290
00:13:00,709 --> 00:13:02,668
It's going so well, Jay.
291
00:13:02,751 --> 00:13:06,959
Right? And I was so nervous
that seagull wouldn't die in the oven.
292
00:13:07,043 --> 00:13:09,459
-I meant Matthew, you silly stud.
-Oh.
293
00:13:09,543 --> 00:13:12,251
He seems 100% DTFF.
294
00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:13,793
Down to fuck fort.
295
00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:15,168
Wait, you really think so?
296
00:13:15,251 --> 00:13:19,459
Come on, bro. You know you wanna
introduce us to that blond bombshell.
297
00:13:19,543 --> 00:13:23,668
Or are you scared of having
too many perfect holes to choose from?
298
00:13:23,751 --> 00:13:25,918
Oh shit.
299
00:13:26,001 --> 00:13:28,709
Jay, did you know
there's a fish in your toilet?
300
00:13:28,793 --> 00:13:30,543
Oh. What's going on?
301
00:13:30,626 --> 00:13:33,168
We're just waiting on you, king cupcake.
302
00:13:33,251 --> 00:13:34,876
Okay.
303
00:13:34,959 --> 00:13:37,001
I don't know what to do, Rabbi.
304
00:13:37,084 --> 00:13:39,293
Sharon Krauss and Sharon Menachem
305
00:13:39,376 --> 00:13:42,584
both want to be Queen Esther
for the Purim Cabaret,
306
00:13:42,668 --> 00:13:44,751
and they're both such dynamic performers.
307
00:13:44,834 --> 00:13:48,834
Come to my office on Monday,
the three of you, and I shall mediate.
308
00:13:48,918 --> 00:13:52,209
Oh yeah. Yeah, you'll love that,
won't you, Paulblart?
309
00:13:52,293 --> 00:13:55,584
A harem of women
bowing down before the mighty rabbi.
310
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:57,334
Marty. He's trying to help.
311
00:13:57,418 --> 00:13:58,834
Oh boy, this is stressful.
312
00:13:58,918 --> 00:14:00,709
Oh, this is… This is normal.
313
00:14:00,793 --> 00:14:04,251
I'd be concerned if they weren't screaming
at each other like maniacs.
314
00:14:04,334 --> 00:14:07,418
I'm so sorry, Rabbi.
I just wanted a nice Shabbat.
315
00:14:07,501 --> 00:14:11,043
Nay, nay, nay, you should take
very much pride in this meal.
316
00:14:11,126 --> 00:14:14,584
Oh, what the hell does "nay" mean?
You wanna say no, say no.
317
00:14:14,668 --> 00:14:16,793
And you, Marty, you should take pride
318
00:14:16,876 --> 00:14:20,043
in your beautiful wife's devotion
to Judaism.
319
00:14:20,126 --> 00:14:23,751
That's very kind, Rabbi.
It's nice to be appreciated.
320
00:14:23,834 --> 00:14:25,584
Hey, I appreciate you.
321
00:14:25,668 --> 00:14:27,043
You most certainly do not.
322
00:14:27,126 --> 00:14:29,543
If I appreciated you more, I'd vomit.
323
00:14:29,626 --> 00:14:31,084
-Andrew…
-It's fine.
324
00:14:31,168 --> 00:14:33,793
It's just turbulence.
They're gonna land the plane.
325
00:14:33,876 --> 00:14:36,043
I don't know why I thought
this was a good idea.
326
00:14:36,126 --> 00:14:39,626
No tears, Barbara,
for this was a lovely Shabbat,
327
00:14:39,709 --> 00:14:42,668
whether your husband
appreciates it or not.
328
00:14:42,751 --> 00:14:43,793
Thank you, Rabbi.
329
00:14:43,876 --> 00:14:46,168
You're as kind as you are wise.
330
00:14:46,251 --> 00:14:47,293
Hey, Paulblart.
331
00:14:47,376 --> 00:14:49,168
-You schtupping my wife?
-What?
332
00:14:49,251 --> 00:14:50,543
-What?
-Marty!
333
00:14:50,626 --> 00:14:52,251
[laughs] Oh shit.
334
00:14:52,334 --> 00:14:54,626
Oh shit, indeed.
335
00:14:54,709 --> 00:14:55,793
Uh, you know what?
336
00:14:55,876 --> 00:14:59,168
I'm actually gonna pass on the beer
and dirty oatmeal sludge,
337
00:14:59,251 --> 00:15:00,668
but, uh, thanks a mil.
338
00:15:00,751 --> 00:15:02,751
A little fuss-boy, eh? Ha!
339
00:15:02,834 --> 00:15:05,668
I see your father in you now, Nick Birch.
340
00:15:05,751 --> 00:15:07,293
No, I'm Nick MacGregor.
341
00:15:07,376 --> 00:15:11,168
And I'm not fussy, but do you have
just a spoon without bird shit on it?
342
00:15:11,251 --> 00:15:12,584
I do not.
343
00:15:12,668 --> 00:15:14,334
Don't do it, man. I'm telling you,
344
00:15:14,418 --> 00:15:17,209
bird shit does not taste
as good as it looks.
345
00:15:17,293 --> 00:15:18,126
But I have to.
346
00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:19,751
This is what men do,
347
00:15:19,834 --> 00:15:21,834
awful, disgusting things.
348
00:15:25,043 --> 00:15:25,876
Uh…
349
00:15:26,418 --> 00:15:27,376
[Seamus] Go on.
350
00:15:27,459 --> 00:15:30,001
What's wrong with you?
Stick it in your mouth.
351
00:15:32,001 --> 00:15:34,709
Oh yeah.
You can really taste the bird shit.
352
00:15:34,793 --> 00:15:37,084
Good boy. Now, finish the bowl.
353
00:15:37,168 --> 00:15:39,459
We don't waste beer in this house.
354
00:15:40,126 --> 00:15:43,793
Okay, yeah.
This is actually pretty good bird shit.
355
00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:46,668
Matthew, it is my very horny pleasure
356
00:15:46,751 --> 00:15:51,334
to introduce you to Brad Polumbo
and Suzette Saint James.
357
00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:53,293
[chuckles] Hello, folks.
358
00:15:53,376 --> 00:15:54,793
Hello, gorgeous.
359
00:15:54,876 --> 00:15:56,334
Enchanté, bro.
360
00:15:56,418 --> 00:16:00,126
The three of us have been
sensual collaborators
361
00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:02,834
for, what, over a year now, guys?
362
00:16:02,918 --> 00:16:05,918
Time flies
when you're getting railed superbly.
363
00:16:06,001 --> 00:16:08,251
Uh, Jay, what is happening, exactly?
364
00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:11,084
I just thought it might be fun
365
00:16:11,168 --> 00:16:16,209
for all of my lovers to maybe,
I don't know, share each other's bodies?
366
00:16:16,293 --> 00:16:17,251
Okay…
367
00:16:17,334 --> 00:16:21,251
So, maybe, start by picking a partner.
368
00:16:21,334 --> 00:16:23,126
Ooh, pick me, Daddy.
369
00:16:23,209 --> 00:16:24,543
No, no, no. Me, bro.
370
00:16:24,626 --> 00:16:25,668
[Matthew] Oh, gosh.
371
00:16:25,751 --> 00:16:27,459
[chuckles] I don't know.
372
00:16:27,543 --> 00:16:30,918
I guess I'll take
this little one that's crunchy.
373
00:16:31,001 --> 00:16:33,501
Ooh-la-la, the lovely lady.
374
00:16:33,584 --> 00:16:35,168
[chuckles] You're full of surprises.
375
00:16:35,251 --> 00:16:37,418
So, what do I do with it?
376
00:16:37,501 --> 00:16:40,293
-It?
-Jesus Christ, Matthew, she has a name.
377
00:16:40,376 --> 00:16:42,334
Suzette Saint James.
378
00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:44,418
Of the Atlantic City Saint Jameses.
379
00:16:44,501 --> 00:16:45,501
Okay, I'm sorry.
380
00:16:45,584 --> 00:16:47,209
Uh, can we press pause?
381
00:16:47,293 --> 00:16:49,584
We can agree
these are just pillows, right?
382
00:16:49,668 --> 00:16:50,751
Oh, uh…
383
00:16:50,834 --> 00:16:52,251
Just pillows, bro?
384
00:16:52,334 --> 00:16:55,043
I'm a beloved child of God,
just like anyone else.
385
00:16:55,126 --> 00:16:56,876
-Tell him, Jay.
-I mean…
386
00:16:56,959 --> 00:16:58,834
[hesitates] Of course
they're just pillows.
387
00:16:58,918 --> 00:17:00,001
What the fuck?
388
00:17:00,084 --> 00:17:01,334
Et tu, bro Jay?
389
00:17:01,418 --> 00:17:04,209
[chuckles] Okay. Oh, thank God.
390
00:17:04,293 --> 00:17:05,793
Sorry, no. It was a funny joke.
391
00:17:05,876 --> 00:17:08,834
Yeah, a joke. Not a savage betrayal.
392
00:17:08,918 --> 00:17:10,751
-Holy shit.
-This is unbelievable.
393
00:17:10,834 --> 00:17:13,001
Now, uh, where… where were we?
394
00:17:13,084 --> 00:17:14,168
Oh my God.
395
00:17:14,251 --> 00:17:16,918
I'm gonna cry for the first time
since my dad died.
396
00:17:17,001 --> 00:17:19,959
Rest in power, Alfonse Polumbo.
397
00:17:20,043 --> 00:17:21,834
[Barbara] What is wrong with you, Marty?
398
00:17:21,918 --> 00:17:25,584
Of course I'm not sleeping with the Rabbi.
I would never.
399
00:17:25,668 --> 00:17:29,251
And nor do I feel any attraction
to Barbara. Nay, nay, nay.
400
00:17:29,334 --> 00:17:32,709
I am only aroused by very muscular women,
401
00:17:32,793 --> 00:17:35,334
much more muscular
than you're picturing right now.
402
00:17:35,418 --> 00:17:37,418
If nothing's going on,
then how come you're spending
403
00:17:37,501 --> 00:17:39,334
so much time at the synagogue
all of a sudden?
404
00:17:39,418 --> 00:17:40,751
Oh, what a fun guy.
405
00:17:40,834 --> 00:17:43,293
Does anyone want some wine,
a glass of seltzer?
406
00:17:43,376 --> 00:17:44,668
A gulp of my breast soda?
407
00:17:44,751 --> 00:17:48,126
No, your tits taste like piss.
408
00:17:48,209 --> 00:17:51,168
I'm sorry you think
so little of me, Marty.
409
00:17:51,251 --> 00:17:52,418
But believe it or not,
410
00:17:52,501 --> 00:17:55,501
I don't go to the synagogue
for some cheap affair.
411
00:17:55,584 --> 00:17:58,168
I go because it gives me purpose.
412
00:17:58,251 --> 00:18:00,626
That, I will not apologize for.
413
00:18:00,709 --> 00:18:03,001
That, I need you to respect.
414
00:18:04,834 --> 00:18:07,043
Nope. Sounds like
you're schtupping the rabbi.
415
00:18:07,126 --> 00:18:08,209
-Sweet Jesus.
-Oh, Marty.
416
00:18:08,293 --> 00:18:09,126
Oy vavoy.
417
00:18:09,209 --> 00:18:11,584
I… I don't think I can be here right now.
418
00:18:11,668 --> 00:18:13,459
What? Where the hell
do you think you're going?
419
00:18:13,543 --> 00:18:15,543
-I'm sorry, sweetie.
-Mama.
420
00:18:15,626 --> 00:18:17,084
Shabbat Shalom, Rabbi.
421
00:18:17,168 --> 00:18:18,876
Dad's just kidding. Right?
422
00:18:18,959 --> 00:18:21,543
-Tell her you're kidding.
-She's not going anywhere.
423
00:18:21,626 --> 00:18:22,918
Uh, she's getting in the car.
424
00:18:23,001 --> 00:18:24,334
It's all a big bluff.
425
00:18:24,418 --> 00:18:26,126
Uh, she's driving away.
426
00:18:26,209 --> 00:18:28,626
And she's giving the house
the middle finger.
427
00:18:28,709 --> 00:18:30,626
Yeah… She'll… She'll be back.
428
00:18:30,709 --> 00:18:32,876
Marriages, Marty, are very difficult--
429
00:18:32,959 --> 00:18:34,168
Oh, you shut the hell up.
430
00:18:34,251 --> 00:18:37,751
You better be out of my house
by the time I finish my big evening shit.
431
00:18:37,834 --> 00:18:39,668
You got nine minutes and 50 seconds.
432
00:18:39,751 --> 00:18:42,543
I'm sorry, did you say 50 or 15?
433
00:18:42,626 --> 00:18:43,876
Five-O.
434
00:18:43,959 --> 00:18:46,126
Uh, I guess that's our cue to go upstairs?
435
00:18:46,209 --> 00:18:47,459
Really? Are you sure?
436
00:18:47,543 --> 00:18:49,126
Yes, we're sure. Our window is closing.
437
00:18:49,209 --> 00:18:51,584
How can you think about Bernie's bosom
438
00:18:51,668 --> 00:18:54,418
when your sweet mother's bosom
just walked out the door?
439
00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:56,043
Flanny, tonight's the night.
440
00:18:56,126 --> 00:18:57,084
You heard the song.
441
00:18:57,168 --> 00:18:59,459
♪ I'm gonna touch a boob ♪
442
00:18:59,543 --> 00:19:00,376
[chuckles]
443
00:19:00,459 --> 00:19:01,418
Come on, Bernie.
444
00:19:01,501 --> 00:19:03,918
We're doing this
whether we like it or not.
445
00:19:04,626 --> 00:19:05,459
Mm.
446
00:19:05,543 --> 00:19:06,376
Tasty.
447
00:19:06,459 --> 00:19:09,501
Not exactly how I pictured
having my first beer, but you know…
448
00:19:09,584 --> 00:19:11,209
I've gotta piss. Hand me that can.
449
00:19:11,293 --> 00:19:12,751
-What?
-Hurry, it's coming.
450
00:19:12,834 --> 00:19:15,626
-Okay, what are you gonna do with the can?
-Turn around, over there. Go!
451
00:19:15,709 --> 00:19:16,543
Are you…
452
00:19:17,209 --> 00:19:19,126
What the hell? Don't you have a bathroom?
453
00:19:19,209 --> 00:19:23,001
Don't give me your sass, boy.
Toilets are for grandpa's chocolate.
454
00:19:23,084 --> 00:19:25,418
Oh, you just ruined chocolate for me.
455
00:19:25,501 --> 00:19:28,584
Sorry to offend
your delicate sensibilities.
456
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:32,376
Ew, the cockroaches are laying eggs
on my bird-shit spoon.
457
00:19:32,459 --> 00:19:35,126
-[grunts]
-Oh, babe, I love you so much right now.
458
00:19:35,209 --> 00:19:36,084
Hey. Fuck off.
459
00:19:36,168 --> 00:19:37,334
Oh!
460
00:19:37,418 --> 00:19:39,584
Oh, you threw the piss can.
461
00:19:39,668 --> 00:19:41,918
I told you,
we don't waste beer in this house.
462
00:19:42,001 --> 00:19:43,543
Okay, I thought he was cool,
463
00:19:43,626 --> 00:19:46,001
but now I think
he might just be fucking crazy.
464
00:19:46,084 --> 00:19:50,584
It's a fine line, man, and I walk
that tightrope every day. [chuckles]
465
00:19:50,668 --> 00:19:53,126
-He makes good lemonade, though.
-Ugh.
466
00:19:53,209 --> 00:19:56,709
Well, Mr. MacGregor,
very weird meeting you,
467
00:19:56,793 --> 00:19:59,293
-but I think I gotta skedaddle.
-What? You just got here.
468
00:19:59,376 --> 00:20:02,959
Yeah, and you just threw your piss at me,
so, uh, goodbye.
469
00:20:03,043 --> 00:20:06,001
Oh, I see. You're just like your father.
470
00:20:06,084 --> 00:20:08,084
Running away when you get scared.
471
00:20:08,168 --> 00:20:10,834
Yeah, I'm scared,
because you're fucking scary.
472
00:20:10,918 --> 00:20:12,251
And your oatmeal sucks.
473
00:20:12,334 --> 00:20:14,251
Get back here, you spoiled brat!
474
00:20:14,334 --> 00:20:15,251
Ah! Leave me alone.
475
00:20:15,334 --> 00:20:18,376
Stay here. Oh, you dirty, fucking bastard.
476
00:20:18,876 --> 00:20:19,709
[screams]
477
00:20:19,793 --> 00:20:22,584
-Holy shit.
-Christ, my fucking ankle.
478
00:20:23,084 --> 00:20:25,501
I was wrong. You're not a good shit.
479
00:20:25,584 --> 00:20:28,543
You're a bad, prickly, hard shit.
480
00:20:28,626 --> 00:20:30,168
Fuck. Oh fuck.
481
00:20:30,251 --> 00:20:32,418
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
482
00:20:32,501 --> 00:20:33,418
[phone rings]
483
00:20:33,501 --> 00:20:34,959
Birch residence, I love you.
484
00:20:35,043 --> 00:20:37,876
Dad? I'm in trouble.
Can you please come get me?
485
00:20:37,959 --> 00:20:38,876
Oh no.
486
00:20:38,959 --> 00:20:41,584
Did you ask Fran Lebowitz
when she's gonna write another book?
487
00:20:41,668 --> 00:20:42,709
She hates that, Nicky.
488
00:20:42,793 --> 00:20:45,418
No, I lied to you. There's no interview.
489
00:20:45,501 --> 00:20:48,751
I don't even know who Fran Lebowitz is.
I just made up a random Jewish name.
490
00:20:48,834 --> 00:20:52,709
Well, Fran Lebowitz started out as
a radical magazine writer in the 1970s--
491
00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:55,834
Dad. Shut up. I went to Staten Island
to find your father.
492
00:20:55,918 --> 00:20:58,084
-What?
-[Nick] But it was such a bad idea.
493
00:20:58,168 --> 00:21:00,668
He chased me around
and made me drink beer and eat bird shit.
494
00:21:00,751 --> 00:21:03,668
And now I'm trapped in his bedroom.
Can you please come get me?
495
00:21:03,751 --> 00:21:05,543
Don't you worry.
I'll be there in 50 minutes.
496
00:21:05,626 --> 00:21:07,084
Fifty or 15?
497
00:21:07,168 --> 00:21:08,834
No time for callbacks, Nicky.
498
00:21:08,918 --> 00:21:10,334
Okay, right this way.
499
00:21:10,418 --> 00:21:12,251
Now we still have
a few minutes of fondling time
500
00:21:12,334 --> 00:21:14,168
while my dad is punishing our plumbing.
501
00:21:14,251 --> 00:21:16,251
I mean, yeah, I'm still down, if you are.
502
00:21:16,334 --> 00:21:18,209
Why wouldn't I be down?
503
00:21:18,293 --> 00:21:20,168
Andrew's mom. Andrew's mom.
504
00:21:20,251 --> 00:21:22,043
-Flanny, please.
-When are you coming home?
505
00:21:22,126 --> 00:21:24,001
-Get a hold of yourself.
-Please come home to us.
506
00:21:24,084 --> 00:21:26,376
Just ignore him. Juice her nectarines.
507
00:21:26,459 --> 00:21:28,751
And you don't mind if I pump
while you're at it, right?
508
00:21:28,834 --> 00:21:30,626
Andrew, are you sure you're okay?
509
00:21:30,709 --> 00:21:34,584
Are you kidding?
I'm about to honk second base, right?
510
00:21:34,668 --> 00:21:37,709
Okay. Come and get 'em.
511
00:21:37,793 --> 00:21:39,709
-Where did she go?
-Yes…
512
00:21:39,793 --> 00:21:40,751
We need you now.
513
00:21:41,334 --> 00:21:44,001
Oh, my breasts.
514
00:21:44,084 --> 00:21:45,376
[Andrew cries]
515
00:21:45,459 --> 00:21:48,168
Why is the world so cruel?
516
00:21:48,251 --> 00:21:51,126
Okay, maybe you need just, like, a minute?
517
00:21:51,209 --> 00:21:52,626
I could give you some privacy.
518
00:21:52,709 --> 00:21:55,043
[crying] No, Mommy, please don't go!
519
00:21:55,126 --> 00:21:56,418
[crying] Andrew's mom!
520
00:21:56,501 --> 00:21:59,501
I don't know what's gonna happen
to my lousy family.
521
00:21:59,584 --> 00:22:02,626
[crying] And I don't know how to be
a good daddy to my child.
522
00:22:02,709 --> 00:22:05,251
I am also crying too.
523
00:22:05,334 --> 00:22:08,751
I'm sorry, Bernie, I'm crying so much.
524
00:22:08,834 --> 00:22:10,834
-Oh, that's okay.
-[sniffles]
525
00:22:10,918 --> 00:22:11,876
I'm pretty scared.
526
00:22:11,959 --> 00:22:14,043
That's okay too. Come here.
527
00:22:14,126 --> 00:22:18,126
Thanks. I'm going to get more snot
on your shirt than you think.
528
00:22:18,209 --> 00:22:22,168
And I'm a shitty titty failure,
and I don't deserve happiness.
529
00:22:22,251 --> 00:22:25,126
Oh, hey, you're a good daddy.
530
00:22:25,209 --> 00:22:27,209
I mean, you're doing your best.
531
00:22:27,293 --> 00:22:30,209
I'm just a finicky little asshole.
That's all.
532
00:22:30,293 --> 00:22:32,209
Oh, I love you, Montel.
533
00:22:32,293 --> 00:22:34,084
And I love you, Bernie.
534
00:22:34,168 --> 00:22:35,459
-[Maury and Flanny] What?
-What?
535
00:22:35,543 --> 00:22:36,459
Oh shit.
536
00:22:36,543 --> 00:22:38,793
Oh, wow. I love you too.
537
00:22:38,876 --> 00:22:41,001
-Oh, you do?
-I really do.
538
00:22:41,084 --> 00:22:43,376
[laughs] No fucking way.
539
00:22:43,459 --> 00:22:46,834
Thank Jesus Christ
and all 12 of his roomies.
540
00:22:46,918 --> 00:22:49,209
Oh, this is fantastic.
541
00:22:49,293 --> 00:22:51,084
Hey, fellas, just to ask.
542
00:22:51,168 --> 00:22:53,293
-Does this count as boob touching?
-Of course it does.
543
00:22:53,376 --> 00:22:56,084
-No, bud, and I know you know that.
-It does. It absolutely does.
544
00:22:56,168 --> 00:22:58,876
-No, no, no. Come on. You know it doesn't.
-Maury, it counts.
545
00:22:58,959 --> 00:22:59,959
Flanny.
546
00:23:01,376 --> 00:23:03,126
[grunting]
547
00:23:04,001 --> 00:23:06,043
Well, I'll be a dad of a bitch.
548
00:23:06,126 --> 00:23:07,168
Where's Nicky?
549
00:23:07,251 --> 00:23:09,876
Dad? Oh, thank God. Can we please go home?
550
00:23:09,959 --> 00:23:12,876
He threw his piss can at me,
and the piss was really hot.
551
00:23:12,959 --> 00:23:16,876
[groans] Your boy's more of a wimp
than you ever were.
552
00:23:16,959 --> 00:23:17,834
[grunts]
553
00:23:17,918 --> 00:23:21,459
What's wrong?
Nothing to say to your old man?
554
00:23:21,543 --> 00:23:24,126
Only that Nicky
was never supposed to know you.
555
00:23:24,209 --> 00:23:25,918
And I wish I never had.
556
00:23:27,293 --> 00:23:28,876
You were so right about him, Dad.
557
00:23:28,959 --> 00:23:30,584
What a demented old goat.
558
00:23:30,668 --> 00:23:33,043
I hope all the maggots in there
eat his face off.
559
00:23:33,126 --> 00:23:36,084
Maggots? And did you say something
about piss cans?
560
00:23:36,168 --> 00:23:38,709
Ugh, yes. He goes in the beer cans,
561
00:23:38,793 --> 00:23:41,959
and then there's no system
for telling the piss and the beer apart.
562
00:23:42,043 --> 00:23:45,959
Like, get a label maker, Seamus.
Fuck you. Rot and die.
563
00:23:46,043 --> 00:23:47,459
-[grunts]
-Oh.
564
00:23:47,543 --> 00:23:48,459
Oh no.
565
00:23:48,543 --> 00:23:50,668
-Dad? What are you doing?
-[sighs]
566
00:23:50,751 --> 00:23:52,668
-We can't leave him like this.
-Why not?
567
00:23:52,751 --> 00:23:55,459
Because we're Birches.
That means we have compassion
568
00:23:55,543 --> 00:23:58,126
and we do the right thing,
even when it's difficult.
569
00:23:58,209 --> 00:24:00,168
It also means we have small penises,
570
00:24:00,251 --> 00:24:02,959
but we compensate
by performing dynamite cunnilingus.
571
00:24:03,043 --> 00:24:03,876
Okay…
572
00:24:03,959 --> 00:24:05,959
Oh, Nicky,
you might not understand this yet,
573
00:24:06,043 --> 00:24:09,418
but it's a lot harder to be a Birch
than a MacGregor.
574
00:24:09,501 --> 00:24:12,584
It's even harder to be a pimp,
like the song says,
575
00:24:12,668 --> 00:24:16,209
but in reality, I think
it's much harder to be a prostitute.
576
00:24:16,293 --> 00:24:17,959
Oh, I'm sorry, I… I forgot.
577
00:24:18,043 --> 00:24:20,793
We're supposed to call them
"flight attendants" now.
578
00:24:21,501 --> 00:24:26,001
Boob fondling or no, Andrew,
you groped real love tonight.
579
00:24:26,084 --> 00:24:27,793
But your father, on the other hand…
580
00:24:27,876 --> 00:24:29,918
Hey, uh, Dad?
581
00:24:30,001 --> 00:24:30,959
Are you okay?
582
00:24:31,043 --> 00:24:34,126
Yeah, how come all of a sudden,
we're not enough for her anymore?
583
00:24:34,209 --> 00:24:38,084
I… I think maybe
she just wants a little appreciation?
584
00:24:38,168 --> 00:24:39,501
She wants it all.
585
00:24:39,584 --> 00:24:43,126
Who does she think she is,
Debra Messing, Queen of the Jews?
586
00:24:43,209 --> 00:24:44,626
-But, Dad.
-No, get out of here.
587
00:24:44,709 --> 00:24:47,501
Go to bed. You're making me miss
my pet medication commercial.
588
00:24:47,584 --> 00:24:50,209
[woman on TV] Your pets can't tell you
when they're not feeling well.
589
00:24:50,293 --> 00:24:52,751
These cats don't look sick. They're fine.
590
00:24:53,334 --> 00:24:57,459
How could you, Jay?
I've never felt so betrayed.
591
00:24:57,543 --> 00:25:01,334
It's like a dagger to my dick, bro,
and not the good kind.
592
00:25:01,418 --> 00:25:03,376
Will you guys please shut up?
593
00:25:03,459 --> 00:25:06,709
-Jay, is everything okay?
-Everything's great. Why do you ask?
594
00:25:06,793 --> 00:25:08,876
Okay. Is tonight ruined?
595
00:25:08,959 --> 00:25:11,501
Did I mess it up with Suzette and Chad?
596
00:25:11,584 --> 00:25:12,709
-I'm sorry, Chad?
597
00:25:12,793 --> 00:25:15,376
-Yeah, you did.
-That's so different from Brad.
598
00:25:15,459 --> 00:25:17,209
Matthew, don't be ridiculous.
599
00:25:17,293 --> 00:25:20,293
They're just pillows.
And you are my real-life boyfriend.
600
00:25:20,376 --> 00:25:23,793
Well, that's obvious,
but it's still nice to hear.
601
00:25:23,876 --> 00:25:26,459
And I guess, you know,
602
00:25:26,543 --> 00:25:31,334
the time has come
to leave behind childish sex cushions.
603
00:25:31,418 --> 00:25:33,876
Yeah, I think so. [moans]
604
00:25:33,959 --> 00:25:35,501
I can't fucking believe it.
605
00:25:35,584 --> 00:25:37,834
This is just like in Toy Story 3,
606
00:25:37,918 --> 00:25:40,626
when Andy
didn't want to fuck his toys no more.
607
00:25:41,293 --> 00:25:43,001
Goodbye, Jay.
608
00:25:43,084 --> 00:25:46,209
You'll always be real to us, bro.
609
00:25:47,084 --> 00:25:49,834
Farewell, my sweet fuck pillows.
610
00:25:49,918 --> 00:25:51,293
Farewell.
611
00:25:52,709 --> 00:25:54,626
♪ Goodbye, my lover ♪
612
00:25:55,334 --> 00:25:57,376
♪ Goodbye, my friend ♪
613
00:25:57,459 --> 00:25:59,043
♪ You have been the one ♪
614
00:25:59,959 --> 00:26:02,043
♪ You have been the one for me ♪
615
00:26:02,834 --> 00:26:04,626
♪ Goodbye, my lover ♪
616
00:26:05,126 --> 00:26:07,501
♪ Goodbye, my friend ♪
617
00:26:07,584 --> 00:26:09,043
♪ You have been the one ♪
618
00:26:10,084 --> 00:26:12,501
♪ You have been the one for me ♪
619
00:26:17,626 --> 00:26:19,043
♪ I am a dreamer ♪
620
00:26:20,126 --> 00:26:21,626
♪ And when I wake ♪
621
00:26:22,626 --> 00:26:24,709
♪ You can't break my spirit ♪
622
00:26:25,209 --> 00:26:27,043
♪ It's my dreams you take ♪
623
00:26:27,626 --> 00:26:29,543
♪ And as you move on ♪
624
00:26:29,626 --> 00:26:31,043
♪ Remember me ♪