1 00:00:09,584 --> 00:00:10,793 Hey, Willy boy. 2 00:00:10,876 --> 00:00:12,251 Bring me another beer. 3 00:00:12,334 --> 00:00:15,209 And some of those fancy nuts with the candy around them. 4 00:00:15,293 --> 00:00:17,001 I told you, Dad, it's Elliot. 5 00:00:17,084 --> 00:00:19,334 And the fancy nuts are peanut M&M's. 6 00:00:19,418 --> 00:00:22,709 But we'll address all that and the decades of trauma you've inflicted upon me 7 00:00:22,793 --> 00:00:24,543 after your ankle heals, okay? 8 00:00:24,626 --> 00:00:26,793 Dad, how long is he staying here? 9 00:00:26,876 --> 00:00:28,668 He's been pissing in beer cans. 10 00:00:28,751 --> 00:00:31,501 Well, the orthopedist said he has to be in a cast for 6 to 8 weeks, 11 00:00:31,584 --> 00:00:32,501 so it'll just fly by. 12 00:00:32,584 --> 00:00:35,418 Don't you think he'd be more comfortable if he were dead in the ground? 13 00:00:35,501 --> 00:00:38,293 Are you suggesting we euthanize your grandfather? 14 00:00:38,376 --> 00:00:40,751 Of course not. We would pay somebody to do it. 15 00:00:40,834 --> 00:00:41,709 Nicholas Birch! 16 00:00:41,793 --> 00:00:42,876 Uh-oh. 17 00:00:42,959 --> 00:00:44,959 Mommy Diane is using your big-boy name. 18 00:00:45,043 --> 00:00:46,709 Your grandfather is only here 19 00:00:46,793 --> 00:00:48,876 because you couldn't leave well enough alone. 20 00:00:48,959 --> 00:00:52,209 Now, why don't you go and bring him a beer and his fancy nuts. 21 00:00:52,293 --> 00:00:53,876 -But-- -Just fucking do it. 22 00:00:53,959 --> 00:00:57,459 -Ooh, it's my wee butler. 23 00:00:57,543 --> 00:00:59,918 And I call you that because now you can take away my wee. 24 00:01:00,001 --> 00:01:04,334 Ew, I'm not taking your pee can. There's, like, steam coming off it. 25 00:01:04,418 --> 00:01:06,334 Say, is your life miserable? 26 00:01:06,418 --> 00:01:07,251 Yes. 27 00:01:07,334 --> 00:01:11,084 Well, just imagine a future where everything is perfect, 28 00:01:11,168 --> 00:01:14,084 where possibility meets impossibility, 29 00:01:14,168 --> 00:01:18,084 and it's all pinned right to your very own shirt. 30 00:01:18,168 --> 00:01:20,959 Introducing the Apple Brooch. 31 00:01:21,043 --> 00:01:24,876 Oh, it's so fancy and shiny. 32 00:01:24,959 --> 00:01:27,543 It's like a gleaming sign on your chest 33 00:01:27,626 --> 00:01:31,418 that says, "I have disposable income to burn." 34 00:01:31,501 --> 00:01:33,334 I've always wanted a brooch. 35 00:01:33,418 --> 00:01:36,459 I just don't think I knew it until right now. 36 00:01:36,543 --> 00:01:40,251 What a worthless piece of shite for rich, spoiled bitches. 37 00:01:40,334 --> 00:01:42,876 Mommy, Daddy, can I get an Apple Brooch? 38 00:01:42,959 --> 00:01:45,584 Of course. I'm sorry you even had to ask. 39 00:01:45,668 --> 00:01:48,084 -Absolutely not. -Excuse me?! 40 00:01:48,168 --> 00:01:50,626 I told you not to dig into your father's past. 41 00:01:50,709 --> 00:01:52,126 And here we are. 42 00:01:52,209 --> 00:01:54,251 Consequences for your actions. 43 00:01:54,334 --> 00:01:56,584 But I want an Apple Brooch! 44 00:01:56,668 --> 00:01:58,459 We needs it. 45 00:01:58,543 --> 00:02:01,001 -I said no, and that's final. 46 00:02:01,084 --> 00:02:03,376 Uh, I think something's wrong with your mom. 47 00:02:03,459 --> 00:02:05,668 Maybe you should try restarting her. 48 00:02:05,751 --> 00:02:07,501 She's busted, baby. 49 00:02:41,584 --> 00:02:45,334 Jessi, I can't believe you're gonna leave me alone with your dad. 50 00:02:45,418 --> 00:02:47,626 Will you please text me every stupid little thing he says? 51 00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:49,376 You got it, girl. 52 00:02:49,459 --> 00:02:50,584 I like Caitlin. 53 00:02:50,668 --> 00:02:53,459 She's who I'd wanna be if none of my dreams came true. 54 00:02:53,543 --> 00:02:54,876 So, when I'm eating peanuts, 55 00:02:54,959 --> 00:02:57,001 it's kinda like I'm making peanut butter in my mouth. 56 00:02:57,084 --> 00:02:58,793 -Uh-huh. -But I don't feel that way 57 00:02:58,876 --> 00:03:00,834 -about jelly when I'm eating grapes. 58 00:03:00,918 --> 00:03:02,876 -You know what I mean? -Oh my God. 59 00:03:02,959 --> 00:03:06,168 What's, uh… What's so funny? What's funny? 60 00:03:06,251 --> 00:03:09,501 Oh, um, nothing. Just a… Just a text Caitlin sent me. 61 00:03:09,584 --> 00:03:12,918 Oh, fun. You guys have inside jokes. That's fun. 62 00:03:13,001 --> 00:03:14,501 Uh, but we should get going, Jess. 63 00:03:14,584 --> 00:03:16,334 I've been saving The Bachelor, 64 00:03:16,418 --> 00:03:20,126 and I think Ashley S. is finally on her way out. 65 00:03:20,209 --> 00:03:22,959 Ooh, you know what? It's actually Ashley R. 66 00:03:23,043 --> 00:03:24,084 I watched it with Caitlin. 67 00:03:24,168 --> 00:03:28,709 Oh, you watched it without me, and you spoiled it for me. That's fun too. 68 00:03:28,793 --> 00:03:29,959 Hey, hey, hey, Shannon? 69 00:03:30,043 --> 00:03:33,959 -Uh, regarding the Jessi bucks… -You mean the child support check? 70 00:03:34,043 --> 00:03:35,251 Yeah, the Jessi bucks. 71 00:03:35,334 --> 00:03:37,334 -Could I get cash instead? 72 00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:40,126 Whoa! Shannon got that paper. 73 00:03:40,209 --> 00:03:42,459 Wow, I didn't realize my mom had so much money. 74 00:03:42,543 --> 00:03:43,793 Well, she needs it. 75 00:03:43,876 --> 00:03:46,293 You gotta be either rich or hot. 76 00:03:46,376 --> 00:03:49,834 And we both know Shannon is just softball league hot. 77 00:03:49,918 --> 00:03:51,876 Sweetie, I'm sorry. 78 00:03:51,959 --> 00:03:53,959 I can't be around your father right now. 79 00:03:54,043 --> 00:03:55,626 I just need a couple of days. 80 00:03:55,709 --> 00:03:58,668 Okay. I'll say "hi" to Dad for you. 81 00:03:58,751 --> 00:04:00,793 Please don't. But I love you. 82 00:04:00,876 --> 00:04:02,626 Oh, I'm sorry, Andrew. 83 00:04:02,709 --> 00:04:04,918 But you know what will make you feel much better? 84 00:04:05,001 --> 00:04:06,043 My mom coming home? 85 00:04:06,126 --> 00:04:09,209 Oh no. I meant something that's actually gonna happen. 86 00:04:09,293 --> 00:04:10,584 -Uh-oh! 87 00:04:10,668 --> 00:04:13,793 A Montel fashion show. 88 00:04:13,876 --> 00:04:15,459 The suit is by Gucci, 89 00:04:15,543 --> 00:04:17,376 the kicks, Balenciaga, 90 00:04:17,459 --> 00:04:20,626 and of course, the season's hottest accessory, 91 00:04:20,709 --> 00:04:22,793 the Apple Brooch. 92 00:04:22,876 --> 00:04:24,834 Do I look fucking rich or what? 93 00:04:24,918 --> 00:04:28,293 Hold on. You spent $800 on a brooch for a baby? 94 00:04:28,376 --> 00:04:30,709 Well, first of all, Montel's a toddler now. 95 00:04:30,793 --> 00:04:32,543 Hormone monsters age very rapidly. 96 00:04:32,626 --> 00:04:35,043 Oh, so they won't be a baby for the whole season? 97 00:04:35,126 --> 00:04:37,001 -Ugh, God, no. -That's good. 98 00:04:37,084 --> 00:04:40,001 -I hate it when shows add a baby. -Yeah, right? 99 00:04:40,084 --> 00:04:43,084 Okay, but what does a toddler even use an Apple Brooch for? 100 00:04:43,168 --> 00:04:44,626 It's not about using it. 101 00:04:44,709 --> 00:04:47,584 It's about having it, you pear-shaped peasant. 102 00:04:47,668 --> 00:04:51,543 Montel, be nice. His mommy doesn't love him anymore. 103 00:04:51,626 --> 00:04:53,918 Ooh, maybe I should save up and get my own. 104 00:04:54,001 --> 00:04:57,793 I mean, it is allowance day, and I have no concept of money, so… 105 00:04:57,876 --> 00:04:58,834 Allowance? 106 00:04:58,918 --> 00:05:02,584 What have you ever done to deserve one red cent of my green money? 107 00:05:02,668 --> 00:05:04,501 Well, Mom usually just gives me-- 108 00:05:04,584 --> 00:05:05,668 Gives!? 109 00:05:05,751 --> 00:05:08,251 If you want money from me, you're gonna have to work for it. 110 00:05:08,334 --> 00:05:09,918 -What kind of work? -Sex work? 111 00:05:10,001 --> 00:05:12,793 -Menial labor. Back-breaking chores. 112 00:05:12,876 --> 00:05:15,376 -But you'll pay me? -Very, very little. 113 00:05:15,459 --> 00:05:17,376 Now start by scrubbing the bathrooms. 114 00:05:17,459 --> 00:05:19,876 Your mother used to do that, but she abandoned us. 115 00:05:19,959 --> 00:05:21,543 So you're my wife now. 116 00:05:21,626 --> 00:05:25,834 Okay, so each hygiene kit gets a toothbrush, check, 117 00:05:25,918 --> 00:05:28,001 a pair of socks, got it, 118 00:05:28,084 --> 00:05:30,668 and a box of collagen, flat-tummy tea? 119 00:05:30,751 --> 00:05:31,793 Yeah. 120 00:05:31,876 --> 00:05:34,126 Pastor Luke is a personal trainer in his free time. 121 00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:35,668 Well, it still feels good to help. 122 00:05:35,751 --> 00:05:37,876 Some people have so little and we have so much. 123 00:05:37,959 --> 00:05:40,459 Oh, please, what do you have? 124 00:05:40,543 --> 00:05:44,501 You don't have Elijah's dick, his ass, or even his tongue in your mouth. 125 00:05:44,584 --> 00:05:46,376 You, my dear, are sex poor. 126 00:05:46,459 --> 00:05:49,543 Mona, you know we decided to take it slow. 127 00:05:49,626 --> 00:05:53,459 We don't want to take it slow. We just want to take it. 128 00:05:53,543 --> 00:05:57,293 I don't know. I think taking our time could actually be sexy. 129 00:05:57,376 --> 00:06:01,334 All the anticipation and sexual tension. 130 00:06:01,418 --> 00:06:04,209 Ooh, like in Bridgerton. 131 00:06:07,543 --> 00:06:10,251 My lady, would thee care to do an elaborate dance 132 00:06:10,334 --> 00:06:12,959 that the entire ballroom somehow knows by heart? 133 00:06:13,043 --> 00:06:14,543 Yeah, but not with you. 134 00:06:14,626 --> 00:06:17,459 I heard you're broke as fuck, Prince Fatass. 135 00:06:18,043 --> 00:06:21,459 Miss Foreman-Greenwald, you look so radiant this evening. 136 00:06:21,543 --> 00:06:24,959 It makes me want to ride my horse shirtless through the mist. 137 00:06:25,043 --> 00:06:26,084 Ooh. 138 00:06:26,168 --> 00:06:28,459 You flatter me, Duke Majorhunk. 139 00:06:28,543 --> 00:06:31,834 Have you come to ask me to dance, palm to palm? 140 00:06:31,918 --> 00:06:34,251 Alas, I cannot dance with you. 141 00:06:34,334 --> 00:06:36,543 I'm joining the priesthood in but a fortnight, 142 00:06:36,626 --> 00:06:38,668 and it would be improper. 143 00:06:38,751 --> 00:06:39,709 Oh, of course. 144 00:06:39,793 --> 00:06:43,251 Oh, full English breakfast, I dropped my glove. 145 00:06:43,334 --> 00:06:45,501 Oh no, please allow me, my lady. 146 00:06:45,584 --> 00:06:48,793 Lest our fingers touch sensually. 147 00:06:48,876 --> 00:06:53,334 Oh yes. Oh, caress my bare hand in an untoward way. 148 00:06:53,418 --> 00:06:56,751 Indeed, so bare, and so untoward. 149 00:06:56,834 --> 00:06:59,709 Holy shit, this is hot. 150 00:06:59,793 --> 00:07:02,543 Quick. Let's go home and rub one out. 151 00:07:02,626 --> 00:07:03,918 Missy, are you okay? 152 00:07:04,001 --> 00:07:06,501 'Cause you closed your eyes and did a pretty elaborate dance. 153 00:07:06,584 --> 00:07:08,584 Yeah. I, um… 154 00:07:09,251 --> 00:07:10,084 Gotta go. 155 00:07:10,793 --> 00:07:12,459 So, Jess, 156 00:07:12,543 --> 00:07:15,043 before you go, I got you a little something. 157 00:07:15,126 --> 00:07:18,043 -Really? -It's an Apple Brooch. Ah! 158 00:07:18,126 --> 00:07:21,626 Wow. Thank you, Mom. This is so… expensive. 159 00:07:21,709 --> 00:07:23,626 Please, don't worry about the price, 160 00:07:23,709 --> 00:07:26,501 which was $800, not including tax. 161 00:07:26,584 --> 00:07:28,876 I just wanted to show you how much I love you. 162 00:07:28,959 --> 00:07:32,959 I don't know, Connie. Am I really an Apple Brooch kind of girl? 163 00:07:33,043 --> 00:07:36,043 Oh, Jessi, brilliant Jessi. Of course, you are. 164 00:07:36,126 --> 00:07:37,918 You're so hip. You're modern. 165 00:07:38,001 --> 00:07:40,043 And look at you. You're on Netflix. 166 00:07:40,126 --> 00:07:42,168 You're streaming in 27 languages. 167 00:07:42,251 --> 00:07:44,084 Oh, obrigada. 168 00:07:44,168 --> 00:07:47,376 Jessi, I have seen my soul in that brooch. 169 00:07:47,459 --> 00:07:50,293 -Yeah. -And it is rich as fuck. 170 00:07:50,376 --> 00:07:54,126 Wow, Mom, thank you. You're… You're, like, the coolest. 171 00:07:54,209 --> 00:07:58,209 Some might even say cooler than Caitlin. Right? 172 00:07:59,793 --> 00:08:02,543 -What is that? 173 00:08:02,626 --> 00:08:04,334 Jessi got an Apple Brooch. 174 00:08:04,418 --> 00:08:07,001 No shit, Caleb. 175 00:08:07,084 --> 00:08:09,793 Oh my God. Is everyone, like, obsessed with me? 176 00:08:09,876 --> 00:08:12,418 Yes, of course, they are. I mean, how could they not be? 177 00:08:12,501 --> 00:08:16,501 -Quite the brooch, Jessi. -Ooh, now we know. Jessi's rich. 178 00:08:16,584 --> 00:08:20,418 I'm looking at her boobs, and I'm totally getting away with it. 179 00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:23,626 Holy shit, Jessi. We are hallway royalty. 180 00:08:23,709 --> 00:08:24,959 You're like Meghan Morkle. 181 00:08:25,043 --> 00:08:27,084 Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's Markle. 182 00:08:27,168 --> 00:08:29,793 That's what I said. Meghan Morkle from Soups. 183 00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:31,751 -Connie Mommy, Connie Mommy. Montel. 184 00:08:31,834 --> 00:08:33,501 -Up, up, up. -Wait a minute. 185 00:08:33,584 --> 00:08:35,334 How'd you get an Apple Brooch? 186 00:08:35,418 --> 00:08:37,501 Daddy bought it for me 'cause he loves me. 187 00:08:37,584 --> 00:08:39,376 Maury, this is crazy. 188 00:08:39,459 --> 00:08:42,293 A toddler doesn't need an expensive, high-tech brooch. 189 00:08:42,376 --> 00:08:46,168 Connie, relax. It's just credit cards. It's not real money. 190 00:08:46,251 --> 00:08:47,709 -Hey, Nick. -Yeah, yeah, yeah. 191 00:08:47,793 --> 00:08:49,626 How did you get an Apple Brooch? 192 00:08:49,709 --> 00:08:51,418 Spoils of divorce, Nick. 193 00:08:51,501 --> 00:08:55,959 -Maybe you should break your parents up. -It really is so, so unfair, Nick. 194 00:08:56,043 --> 00:08:58,459 I mean, your mom should just buy you one of me. 195 00:08:58,543 --> 00:09:01,418 Wait. How do you know about my bitch mom? 196 00:09:01,501 --> 00:09:03,709 I know everything. I'm the Apple Brooch. 197 00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:04,959 You sure are. 198 00:09:05,043 --> 00:09:07,168 The ultimate symbol of fuckability. 199 00:09:07,251 --> 00:09:08,376 I must have you. 200 00:09:08,459 --> 00:09:09,293 Yes, Nick. 201 00:09:09,376 --> 00:09:14,043 I'm gonna make you the sexiest little boy in all of Bridgeton. 202 00:09:14,126 --> 00:09:18,543 I'm gonna fuck that brooch if it's the first thing I do. 203 00:09:18,626 --> 00:09:20,126 OMG, you guys. 204 00:09:20,209 --> 00:09:24,376 Lady Pussysqueak says I looked absolutely immaculate 205 00:09:24,459 --> 00:09:25,584 at the ball last night. 206 00:09:25,668 --> 00:09:27,626 I wonder who she is? 207 00:09:27,709 --> 00:09:28,918 -Definitely not me. 208 00:09:29,001 --> 00:09:30,751 Who cares about Lady Pussysqueak? 209 00:09:30,834 --> 00:09:32,959 Everyone cares deeply. 210 00:09:33,043 --> 00:09:36,043 Yet her identity remains very much unknown. 211 00:09:36,126 --> 00:09:38,251 Well, I care about books, 212 00:09:38,334 --> 00:09:41,168 women going to college, and wearing very high collars. 213 00:09:41,251 --> 00:09:45,793 Missy, get it together. Duke Majorhunk is eating custard. 214 00:09:45,876 --> 00:09:49,376 Oh, yeah, he's really going to town on that spoon. 215 00:09:49,459 --> 00:09:51,834 And now he's going after the bowl. 216 00:09:51,918 --> 00:09:53,709 Oh, that's so much dairy. 217 00:09:53,793 --> 00:09:55,459 Do you think he's gonna get sick tonight? 218 00:09:55,543 --> 00:09:56,751 Oh, I don't know, 219 00:09:56,834 --> 00:09:59,418 but it looks like he spilled some on the table. 220 00:09:59,501 --> 00:10:03,001 Oh, yeah, eat it, you nasty little termite. 221 00:10:03,084 --> 00:10:04,668 -Ooh. -Good God. 222 00:10:04,751 --> 00:10:09,001 Elijah didn't even have to touch you to send you all the way to Shondaland. 223 00:10:09,084 --> 00:10:11,293 I told you taking it slow could be hot. 224 00:10:11,376 --> 00:10:12,543 Damn right. 225 00:10:12,626 --> 00:10:17,043 So, Missy, who do you think Lady Pussysqueak really is? 226 00:10:17,126 --> 00:10:18,501 It's… It's totally Lola. 227 00:10:18,584 --> 00:10:20,043 No, no, no, no. Keep wanking. 228 00:10:20,126 --> 00:10:22,418 We need to go back and investigate. 229 00:10:22,501 --> 00:10:23,793 All right. 230 00:10:23,876 --> 00:10:25,126 Ooh! Ooh! 231 00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:28,209 Hey, Dad. How you holding up? 232 00:10:28,293 --> 00:10:31,251 Not good, Nicky. Your grandpa won't stop eating asparagus. 233 00:10:31,334 --> 00:10:33,501 Yeah, it's been stressful for all of us. 234 00:10:33,584 --> 00:10:37,126 I'm actually a little bit worried that my self-esteem is suffering. 235 00:10:37,209 --> 00:10:38,876 Your self-esteem? 236 00:10:38,959 --> 00:10:41,834 Yeah, and Jessi got an Apple Brooch at school, 237 00:10:41,918 --> 00:10:44,834 and she made me feel like… like I don't have one. 238 00:10:44,918 --> 00:10:45,834 Oh no. 239 00:10:45,918 --> 00:10:47,751 But no. You know what? Mom is right. 240 00:10:47,834 --> 00:10:50,126 I don't deserve it. I'm a bad boy. 241 00:10:50,209 --> 00:10:51,584 Nicky, bite your tongue. 242 00:10:51,668 --> 00:10:54,709 I'm gutter trash. I stink. Pee-yew, you know? 243 00:10:54,793 --> 00:10:56,959 You stop that. You smell lovely. 244 00:10:57,043 --> 00:11:00,251 Now here, take my credit card and go buy yourself an Apple Brooch. 245 00:11:00,334 --> 00:11:01,751 But, Dad, what about Mom? 246 00:11:01,834 --> 00:11:04,959 I mean, we'd have to keep this a secret from her as long as we live, right? 247 00:11:05,043 --> 00:11:07,668 Yes. I'll just do what I do with all my secrets. 248 00:11:07,751 --> 00:11:10,626 Whisper it into the open body cavity of one of my patients 249 00:11:10,709 --> 00:11:12,626 and then sew it right back up. 250 00:11:13,251 --> 00:11:14,501 All right, Andrew. 251 00:11:14,584 --> 00:11:17,876 I used to hear scratching, but now there's just a terrible odor. 252 00:11:17,959 --> 00:11:19,793 So whatever's under there must be dead. 253 00:11:19,876 --> 00:11:23,293 And you're sure you don't wanna call a professional exterminator? 254 00:11:23,376 --> 00:11:25,084 Hey, you want the three bucks or not? 255 00:11:25,168 --> 00:11:27,876 I don't know about this, Maury. It looks pretty scary under there. 256 00:11:27,959 --> 00:11:29,959 But if you're ever gonna afford nice things, 257 00:11:30,043 --> 00:11:33,001 you need to degrade yourself with back-breaking labor. 258 00:11:33,084 --> 00:11:34,751 That's capitalism. 259 00:11:34,834 --> 00:11:38,626 Uh… Okay, Dad? I'm not seeing anything. 260 00:11:38,709 --> 00:11:40,501 It does smell pretty bad. 261 00:11:40,584 --> 00:11:43,584 You're not getting paid unless you bring me a corpse. 262 00:11:43,668 --> 00:11:44,918 Ugh, wait! Wait a second. 263 00:11:45,001 --> 00:11:46,293 I see something. 264 00:11:46,376 --> 00:11:48,293 Yep, it's a dead possum. 265 00:11:48,376 --> 00:11:51,043 Yeah, it reeks pretty bad. Must've been down here for a-- 266 00:11:52,168 --> 00:11:53,418 It's alive. 267 00:11:53,501 --> 00:11:54,876 It just smells dead. 268 00:11:54,959 --> 00:11:57,376 It's scratching my face. 269 00:11:57,459 --> 00:11:58,793 Oh no, it got into my shirt. 270 00:11:58,876 --> 00:12:01,293 Ooh, the possum has the upper hand. 271 00:12:01,376 --> 00:12:03,376 It's the possum's shirt now. 272 00:12:03,459 --> 00:12:06,043 All right, whoever wins is my true son. 273 00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:08,418 -I'll see one of you at dinner. 274 00:12:09,001 --> 00:12:11,459 So, the bananas were in the crate labeled avocados. 275 00:12:11,543 --> 00:12:14,459 And I was like, "I have a feeling I know where the avocados are." 276 00:12:14,543 --> 00:12:17,126 And I'm sorry, you said you thought this could be a movie? 277 00:12:17,209 --> 00:12:20,001 Whoa, rad tech alert. Is that the new Apple Brooch? 278 00:12:20,084 --> 00:12:21,501 -Pretty sweet, right? -Totally. 279 00:12:21,584 --> 00:12:23,668 Oh my God, Caitlin, you should get one. 280 00:12:23,751 --> 00:12:26,418 Yeah. I don't think that's exactly within our budget. 281 00:12:26,501 --> 00:12:28,293 Oh man, I'm sorry. Of course. 282 00:12:28,376 --> 00:12:33,793 I forgot you guys were poor…ly funded in the money department? 283 00:12:33,876 --> 00:12:35,043 No worries, no worries. 284 00:12:35,126 --> 00:12:38,626 For you, I mean. We actually do worry about money a lot. 285 00:12:38,709 --> 00:12:42,043 Why did I say that? I sound like such a spoiled brat. 286 00:12:42,126 --> 00:12:43,543 Oh, no, Jessi, Jessi. 287 00:12:43,626 --> 00:12:45,793 Sweet, intelligent, wealthy Jessi. 288 00:12:45,876 --> 00:12:49,668 You're just better than other people because you have me. 289 00:12:49,751 --> 00:12:51,001 Oh, I know. 290 00:12:51,084 --> 00:12:54,793 Let's order Nobu to our room and not share. 291 00:12:54,876 --> 00:12:56,959 Ooh, I hate how good that sounds. 292 00:12:57,043 --> 00:12:58,459 Rock shrimp. 293 00:12:59,043 --> 00:13:01,084 Wow, the Apple Store. 294 00:13:01,168 --> 00:13:03,376 You know, Steve Jobs was a psychotic, 295 00:13:03,459 --> 00:13:06,626 but if screaming at everybody built this, I applaud him. 296 00:13:06,709 --> 00:13:09,459 Hello? Excuse me? Child with a credit card. 297 00:13:09,543 --> 00:13:11,501 Hey. Mr. Birch, welcome back. 298 00:13:11,584 --> 00:13:14,709 Yum, yum, yum. Look at all these innovative products 299 00:13:14,793 --> 00:13:18,293 that do roughly the same thing but in different shapes and sizes. 300 00:13:18,376 --> 00:13:21,334 Ooh, but, Andrew, I'm the hot new status symbol. 301 00:13:21,418 --> 00:13:23,751 Think of your status. Don't you want status? Status… 302 00:13:23,834 --> 00:13:25,459 Oh, I need you, Brooch. 303 00:13:25,543 --> 00:13:28,001 Without you, I'm just a got-nothing hillbilly. 304 00:13:28,084 --> 00:13:31,834 Oh yeah, baby. And imagine walking around with me pinned to your shirt. 305 00:13:31,918 --> 00:13:35,918 Nobody will make direct eye contact with you ever, ever again. 306 00:13:36,001 --> 00:13:38,834 'Cause they're all gonna be staring at your chest, baby. 307 00:13:38,918 --> 00:13:41,668 I'll finally know what it feels like to be a woman. 308 00:13:41,751 --> 00:13:43,834 Andrew, uh, do you have $10,000? 309 00:13:43,918 --> 00:13:47,709 I have $4 and a loose Listerine strip. 310 00:13:47,793 --> 00:13:50,334 Oh God, I tried to buy an extra Lightning cable, 311 00:13:50,418 --> 00:13:51,959 and they cut up all my credit cards. 312 00:13:52,043 --> 00:13:54,959 Apparently, I owe all these companies actual money. 313 00:13:55,043 --> 00:13:56,334 Hey, Andrew, what do you think? 314 00:13:56,418 --> 00:13:59,001 Do I look like the absolute height of fuckability? 315 00:13:59,084 --> 00:14:01,001 Ah, shit, he does. 316 00:14:01,084 --> 00:14:04,043 That cocky little fuckable bastard. 317 00:14:04,126 --> 00:14:05,043 Hey. 318 00:14:05,126 --> 00:14:09,001 Great work this week, Missy. You've really made Jesus proud. 319 00:14:09,084 --> 00:14:11,751 Well, Jesus better watch out, because that's my girl. 320 00:14:11,834 --> 00:14:16,126 Yeah, watch out, JC. Elijah'll mess you up. 321 00:14:16,209 --> 00:14:18,043 I'm just kidding. You have free will. 322 00:14:18,126 --> 00:14:20,709 If you really wanted to get with Jesus, I don't own you, girl. 323 00:14:20,793 --> 00:14:23,251 Aw, that's really respectful of my autonomy. 324 00:14:23,334 --> 00:14:25,209 Yeah, yeah. But should we go home 325 00:14:25,293 --> 00:14:28,918 and think of new surfaces for Duke Majorhunk to lick? 326 00:14:29,001 --> 00:14:30,001 Okay, gang. 327 00:14:30,084 --> 00:14:34,251 Today was a great example of idle hands doing God's work 328 00:14:34,334 --> 00:14:36,626 instead of the devil's work. 329 00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:38,251 So before we leave, 330 00:14:38,334 --> 00:14:41,501 let's all sing the "Don't Touch Your Flower" song. 331 00:14:41,584 --> 00:14:43,168 Oh, I don't think I know that one. 332 00:14:53,793 --> 00:14:56,126 I'm so sorry. What is this song about? 333 00:14:56,209 --> 00:14:57,334 It doesn't even rhyme. 334 00:14:57,418 --> 00:15:00,793 Oh, it's about how you should never travel alone 335 00:15:00,876 --> 00:15:02,501 to the southern hemisphere. 336 00:15:02,584 --> 00:15:03,626 Because of Zika? 337 00:15:03,709 --> 00:15:08,959 No, it's about how you shouldn't, uh, you know, touch yourself? 338 00:15:09,043 --> 00:15:12,751 Oh, oh, right. Of course. Because of Zika? 339 00:15:12,834 --> 00:15:16,334 Well, no, because it's… it's a sin, right? 340 00:15:16,418 --> 00:15:18,876 I mean, it's the exact opposite of self-control. 341 00:15:18,959 --> 00:15:21,751 Oh. Right. Duh. Self-control. 342 00:15:21,834 --> 00:15:24,293 Mona, am I an out-of-control masturbator? 343 00:15:24,376 --> 00:15:28,126 Absolutely. It's the only thing I like about you. 344 00:15:30,084 --> 00:15:32,209 Stop right there. 345 00:15:32,293 --> 00:15:34,543 I know what's in your twisted red-headed noggin, 346 00:15:34,626 --> 00:15:37,084 and you cannot give away that brooch. 347 00:15:37,168 --> 00:15:40,626 But I don't want it anymore. It feels weird to me. 348 00:15:40,709 --> 00:15:43,001 And I don't need material things to be cool. 349 00:15:43,084 --> 00:15:46,084 Oh, baby, you're not hot enough to say stuff like that. 350 00:15:46,168 --> 00:15:48,543 Hey, Caitlin, I've been thinking about it, 351 00:15:48,626 --> 00:15:51,501 and I really want you to have my Apple Brooch. 352 00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:54,918 Oh, wow, Jessi, that is so sweet of you, 353 00:15:55,001 --> 00:15:56,918 but you know I can't accept this. 354 00:15:57,001 --> 00:15:59,251 What if you just borrowed it until the baby comes? 355 00:15:59,334 --> 00:16:01,418 You could use it to time your contractions. 356 00:16:01,501 --> 00:16:03,418 You could even watch that show on Paramount Plus 357 00:16:03,501 --> 00:16:05,209 about the wheel of cheese who's a lawyer. 358 00:16:05,293 --> 00:16:07,168 -Oh, my God, The Gouda Wife? Yeah. 359 00:16:07,251 --> 00:16:10,168 Oh, Caitlin, you're so much more than a cheese girl. 360 00:16:10,251 --> 00:16:13,334 You are a Dairy Queen, my darling. 361 00:16:13,418 --> 00:16:15,209 And you deserve me. 362 00:16:15,293 --> 00:16:17,793 Okay. But just to borrow. 363 00:16:17,876 --> 00:16:22,418 Well, Jessi, you were cool for about, mm, 18 hours? 364 00:16:22,501 --> 00:16:25,334 I guess we're gonna go read a fucking book now. 365 00:16:27,501 --> 00:16:28,626 Hey, Rick, check it out. 366 00:16:28,709 --> 00:16:30,918 I just ordered a pretzel on my Apple Brooch. 367 00:16:31,001 --> 00:16:35,043 Wow, so many apps. Can I please fucks it now? 368 00:16:35,126 --> 00:16:37,584 Rick, it's never gonna happen. The brooch is out of your league. 369 00:16:37,668 --> 00:16:38,959 Yeah, I know. 370 00:16:39,043 --> 00:16:40,334 Hey, Andrew, you want a pretzel? 371 00:16:40,418 --> 00:16:44,251 Nick, I can't afford braided bread with salt on it. I'm destitute. 372 00:16:44,334 --> 00:16:47,501 Well, just give me what you have, and I'll put the rest on my Brooch bucks. 373 00:16:47,584 --> 00:16:48,543 Oh, um… 374 00:16:48,626 --> 00:16:51,168 Okay. You don't want the Listerine strip, do you? 375 00:16:51,251 --> 00:16:52,709 No, I'll take it. 376 00:16:52,793 --> 00:16:56,459 If you ask me, Nick, you know what he is? He's a spoiled brat. 377 00:16:56,543 --> 00:16:57,959 -Yeah. -And you know what you are? 378 00:16:58,043 --> 00:16:59,709 A working-class hero. 379 00:16:59,793 --> 00:17:01,709 I am New Jersey strong. 380 00:17:01,793 --> 00:17:04,876 And you deserve me so much more than he does. 381 00:17:04,959 --> 00:17:07,376 Yes, you should be mine. 382 00:17:07,459 --> 00:17:09,543 You shall be mine. 383 00:17:11,584 --> 00:17:12,543 Yeah. 384 00:17:12,626 --> 00:17:13,709 Okay, Missy. 385 00:17:13,793 --> 00:17:17,584 If jerking off were a sin, why would God make it feel so good? 386 00:17:17,668 --> 00:17:20,168 Well, it does feel hecking good. 387 00:17:20,251 --> 00:17:23,334 And you're already right here in your wanking chamber. 388 00:17:23,418 --> 00:17:24,584 Do you mean my bedroom? 389 00:17:24,668 --> 00:17:25,876 I didn't want to do this, 390 00:17:25,959 --> 00:17:29,209 but if you don't touch yourself, they'll revoke my work visa. 391 00:17:29,293 --> 00:17:30,168 Oh my gosh. 392 00:17:30,251 --> 00:17:34,751 So please, Missy, go digging in your garden… for me. 393 00:17:34,834 --> 00:17:38,251 Okay. For your work visa. 394 00:17:40,543 --> 00:17:44,001 Oh, Duke Majorhunk. What are you doing here? 395 00:17:44,084 --> 00:17:46,293 Just licking some flowers. 396 00:17:46,376 --> 00:17:47,418 -Mm. -Ooh. 397 00:17:47,501 --> 00:17:50,001 But I thought we weren't even supposed to touch flowers. 398 00:17:50,084 --> 00:17:51,793 I can't help myself. 399 00:17:51,876 --> 00:17:55,293 I have but one night until I take my priestly vows, 400 00:17:55,376 --> 00:17:57,126 and I wish to spend it with you. 401 00:17:57,209 --> 00:17:59,459 Good Duke, I ain't mad at that. 402 00:18:00,043 --> 00:18:01,709 -Mm. -Gasp. 403 00:18:01,793 --> 00:18:03,543 Absolutely scandalous. 404 00:18:03,626 --> 00:18:07,501 Everyone's gonna know about this, or my name isn't Lady Pussysqueak, 405 00:18:07,584 --> 00:18:08,418 which it isn't. 406 00:18:08,501 --> 00:18:09,668 -That wasn't me. 407 00:18:11,126 --> 00:18:13,376 -No, I'm… I'm sorry. I can't do this. -Oh! 408 00:18:13,459 --> 00:18:15,168 It's a sin against God. 409 00:18:15,251 --> 00:18:19,001 Uh, oh, maybe if you just licked the flowers again? 410 00:18:19,084 --> 00:18:21,084 No, it's all been ruined. 411 00:18:21,168 --> 00:18:22,834 You ruined it. 412 00:18:22,918 --> 00:18:24,334 I must make haste. 413 00:18:24,418 --> 00:18:25,668 No, no haste. 414 00:18:25,751 --> 00:18:26,709 Make stay. 415 00:18:26,793 --> 00:18:28,209 Make stay. 416 00:18:28,293 --> 00:18:29,376 What the fuck was that? 417 00:18:29,459 --> 00:18:32,918 I'm sorry, Mona, but I just can't masturbate anymore. 418 00:18:33,001 --> 00:18:36,168 But we still don't know who Lady Pussysqueak is. 419 00:18:36,251 --> 00:18:39,626 -It's Lola. It's obviously Lola. -Mm. 420 00:18:39,709 --> 00:18:40,959 -Shit, Nick. 421 00:18:41,043 --> 00:18:42,584 You got the Apple Brooch? 422 00:18:42,668 --> 00:18:45,376 Oh, and I see you kinda got one too? 423 00:18:45,459 --> 00:18:46,418 Oh no. 424 00:18:46,501 --> 00:18:49,668 Mine's a first-generation iPod shuffle that I found at a thrift store. 425 00:18:49,751 --> 00:18:51,084 Glued it to my shirt. 426 00:18:51,168 --> 00:18:54,418 A Venmo request from Nick for $8? What the fuck is this? 427 00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:57,334 Eight dollars? But we have nothing. 428 00:18:57,418 --> 00:18:59,959 Hey, hey, Bernie Madoff. What's this request for? 429 00:19:00,043 --> 00:19:02,126 Oh, the pretzel? You know, from the mall. 430 00:19:02,209 --> 00:19:04,043 -No rush. -I thought you were paying for them. 431 00:19:04,126 --> 00:19:07,501 Why would I buy my friend a pretzel? I'm not, like, trying to fuck you. 432 00:19:07,584 --> 00:19:09,126 It's not even your money. 433 00:19:09,209 --> 00:19:11,793 It's your dad's credit card. It's inherited wealth. 434 00:19:11,876 --> 00:19:16,126 So, wait. Because my family has money, I should buy things for you? 435 00:19:16,209 --> 00:19:18,126 Yes. Subsidize me, Nick. 436 00:19:18,209 --> 00:19:19,793 Yeah, yeah. You gotta earn it yourself. 437 00:19:19,876 --> 00:19:22,959 Pull yourself up. Grab the, you know, the bootstraps or whatever, all right? 438 00:19:23,043 --> 00:19:25,709 -I gotta go. -I was attacked by a possum. 439 00:19:25,793 --> 00:19:27,334 Underneath a house. 440 00:19:29,376 --> 00:19:33,126 Look at him absolutely rimming that spoon, Missy. 441 00:19:33,209 --> 00:19:34,126 Mona, please. 442 00:19:34,209 --> 00:19:35,168 That could be you, 443 00:19:35,251 --> 00:19:39,418 getting bathed by his tongue like a dirty little kitty cat. 444 00:19:39,501 --> 00:19:40,876 -Oh! 445 00:19:40,959 --> 00:19:43,209 Would you just eat like a normal person? 446 00:19:43,293 --> 00:19:45,251 -Missy, are you okay? -Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, man. 447 00:19:45,334 --> 00:19:48,209 -You were really working that spoon. -I could eat it with my fingers. 448 00:19:48,293 --> 00:19:51,334 No, that's even worse. You might as well smear it all over your chest. 449 00:19:51,418 --> 00:19:52,876 What is going on? 450 00:19:52,959 --> 00:19:54,668 I'm a sinner, okay? 451 00:19:54,751 --> 00:19:58,709 I… I tended my garden. I tended it hard, Elijah. 452 00:19:58,793 --> 00:20:01,793 I tilled the soil. I rotated the crops. 453 00:20:01,876 --> 00:20:04,251 -I dug deep with my hoe. -Oh. 454 00:20:04,334 --> 00:20:07,043 And now that you know I'm such a constant gardener, 455 00:20:07,126 --> 00:20:09,209 you probably don't even wanna hang out with me anymore. 456 00:20:09,293 --> 00:20:12,334 Just to make it clear, we're not talking about gardening, right? 457 00:20:12,418 --> 00:20:15,793 No. I'm an out-of-control masturbator. 458 00:20:15,876 --> 00:20:19,834 How do you do it, Elijah? You know, keep your seed in your bag? 459 00:20:19,918 --> 00:20:21,918 I don't know. I just do. 460 00:20:22,001 --> 00:20:24,251 It's not hard for me. Does that make me weird? 461 00:20:24,334 --> 00:20:26,126 No. Why would you think that? 462 00:20:26,209 --> 00:20:29,543 Well, it just feels like everybody around here is obsessed with gardening. 463 00:20:29,626 --> 00:20:31,918 I mean, what am I even doing on this show? 464 00:20:32,001 --> 00:20:35,584 Well, I don't know, but I'm glad you're here. 465 00:20:35,668 --> 00:20:37,626 And I don't think you're weird at all. 466 00:20:37,709 --> 00:20:41,793 You're perfect and wonderful, exactly the way God made you. 467 00:20:41,876 --> 00:20:43,668 Okay. So by that logic, 468 00:20:44,168 --> 00:20:48,251 you're also perfect and wonderful, exactly the way God made you. 469 00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:50,501 Elijah. 470 00:20:50,584 --> 00:20:54,043 And I certainly won't judge you for having a… green thumb. 471 00:20:54,126 --> 00:20:57,918 Oh, um, I don't really use my thumb a lot just 'cause, like, the angle's kind of… 472 00:20:58,001 --> 00:21:00,209 Honestly… You know what, actually? Thank you. 473 00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:02,959 Holy shit, Missy, is he saying it's okay to masturbate? 474 00:21:03,043 --> 00:21:04,501 I think he is. 475 00:21:04,584 --> 00:21:09,334 Great, because I have ideas on how we can incorporate your thumb. 476 00:21:09,418 --> 00:21:12,043 Uh, I, uh… I gotta go. 477 00:21:15,668 --> 00:21:16,668 Hey, kid. 478 00:21:16,751 --> 00:21:19,126 We don't know each other. Give me the brooch. 479 00:21:19,209 --> 00:21:21,543 Ah! Andrew, what the fuck are you doing? 480 00:21:21,626 --> 00:21:23,709 Give him the fucking brooch. 481 00:21:23,793 --> 00:21:24,709 Fuck yeah. 482 00:21:24,793 --> 00:21:27,084 Just hand it over, you fat-lipped fuck. 483 00:21:27,168 --> 00:21:30,126 Andrew, buddy. Let's just relax, okay? 484 00:21:30,209 --> 00:21:32,751 Easy for you to say, rich boy. 485 00:21:32,834 --> 00:21:34,834 You got a brooch. You got a pool. 486 00:21:34,918 --> 00:21:37,626 -You got a hot mom that didn't leave. -Ew. 487 00:21:37,709 --> 00:21:39,751 Just give me the fucking brooch. 488 00:21:39,834 --> 00:21:42,751 Jesus, keep it down. My mom can't know about it. 489 00:21:42,834 --> 00:21:44,418 -Kill him. -Hyah! 490 00:21:44,501 --> 00:21:46,126 Holy shit. 491 00:21:47,543 --> 00:21:49,418 Yes, yes. Fight over me. 492 00:21:49,501 --> 00:21:53,084 This is capitalism. You reap what you sow. 493 00:21:53,168 --> 00:21:55,959 Quick, Montel, raid the closet. Take everything. 494 00:21:56,043 --> 00:21:58,001 Nah, this guy dresses like shit. 495 00:21:58,084 --> 00:21:59,959 Rick, help. What the hell are you doing? 496 00:22:00,043 --> 00:22:01,001 Fuck you, man. 497 00:22:01,084 --> 00:22:05,626 Opportunity knocked, and I answered, baby. Hello, it's me, Rick. What's happening? 498 00:22:05,709 --> 00:22:07,334 What the heck is going on up here? 499 00:22:07,418 --> 00:22:10,126 Daddy, he's trying to steal my Apple Brooch. 500 00:22:10,209 --> 00:22:11,043 What brooch? 501 00:22:11,126 --> 00:22:13,084 -Oh shit. -Ooh, I'm in trouble. 502 00:22:13,168 --> 00:22:15,126 Sorry, Nick, you're on your own. 503 00:22:17,084 --> 00:22:20,209 Okay, window. You got me. 504 00:22:20,293 --> 00:22:22,376 Hey, honey, can we get outta here? 505 00:22:22,459 --> 00:22:24,668 This apartment reminds me of my twenties. 506 00:22:24,751 --> 00:22:26,209 Yep. Let me just grab my bag. 507 00:22:26,293 --> 00:22:29,001 -Oh, and don't forget your Apple Brooch. -Oh. 508 00:22:29,084 --> 00:22:30,043 Hey, Shannon. what's up? 509 00:22:30,126 --> 00:22:32,834 I was about to crack open a coconut. Do you want some meat or milk? 510 00:22:32,918 --> 00:22:34,209 No, I'm good. 511 00:22:34,293 --> 00:22:37,459 Did you, uh… Did you get an Apple Brooch too? 512 00:22:37,543 --> 00:22:39,209 -Oh shit. -Um, no. 513 00:22:39,293 --> 00:22:40,668 Jessi just let me borrow hers. 514 00:22:40,751 --> 00:22:42,376 Just until the baby comes. 515 00:22:42,459 --> 00:22:44,501 Oh, great. You gave it to Caitlin. 516 00:22:44,584 --> 00:22:47,376 It's almost like I bought it for her. 517 00:22:47,459 --> 00:22:49,834 -You know what? It's my bad. -Don't give it to me. 518 00:22:49,918 --> 00:22:51,834 -I shouldn't have taken it. -It's Jessi's. 519 00:22:51,918 --> 00:22:53,793 If it's mine, then I want Caitlin to have it. 520 00:22:53,876 --> 00:22:57,751 -No! -I bought it for you, Jessi. It's yours. 521 00:22:57,834 --> 00:22:59,251 Well, I don't want it anymore. 522 00:22:59,334 --> 00:23:02,876 -Maybe the coconut should have it? -I'll take it if coconut doesn't want it. 523 00:23:02,959 --> 00:23:05,543 It's Jessi's! The brooch is Jessi's! 524 00:23:05,626 --> 00:23:07,543 I bought it for her, okay? 525 00:23:07,626 --> 00:23:12,043 Not for you, not for you, and certainly not for the coconut! 526 00:23:12,126 --> 00:23:14,459 Mom, why are you freaking out? 527 00:23:14,543 --> 00:23:18,418 Because I… I wanted to watch The Bachelor with you. 528 00:23:18,501 --> 00:23:20,043 That was our thing. 529 00:23:20,126 --> 00:23:21,459 We talk shit about the women, 530 00:23:21,543 --> 00:23:25,043 and then worry it isn't feminist of us to talk shit about the women. 531 00:23:25,126 --> 00:23:26,126 -Oh. -Damn. 532 00:23:26,209 --> 00:23:28,959 I hate it when your mom has feelings like a person. 533 00:23:29,043 --> 00:23:30,959 Ugh, that fucking brooch. 534 00:23:31,043 --> 00:23:34,418 I'm so sorry. I never meant to steal your thing. 535 00:23:34,501 --> 00:23:36,168 I'm really sorry too, Mom. 536 00:23:36,251 --> 00:23:38,793 I didn't realize you were giving me the brooch 537 00:23:38,876 --> 00:23:42,293 -so I'd want to hang out with you more. -No, that's… That's not… 538 00:23:42,376 --> 00:23:45,209 What I mean is, I love you. 539 00:23:45,293 --> 00:23:47,709 And I wanna hang out with you no matter what. 540 00:23:47,793 --> 00:23:48,959 Wow, Jessi. 541 00:23:49,043 --> 00:23:53,168 That is so sweet of you to lie to your mom. 542 00:23:53,251 --> 00:23:55,834 You know what? You should keep the brooch, Caitlin. 543 00:23:55,918 --> 00:23:57,876 It's just a thing. It's not love. 544 00:23:57,959 --> 00:24:01,668 Oh, Shannon, you magnificent lady boss. 545 00:24:01,751 --> 00:24:05,126 If anybody deserves an Apple Brooch, oh, baby, it's you. 546 00:24:05,209 --> 00:24:09,376 Yeah. I'll get one in rose gold so it's nicer than Caitlin's. 547 00:24:09,459 --> 00:24:10,376 Yes. 548 00:24:11,626 --> 00:24:15,584 Andrew, you do not come into my house and rob my family. 549 00:24:15,668 --> 00:24:18,376 I'm sorry. Capitalism got the best of me. 550 00:24:18,459 --> 00:24:19,793 -And, Elliot. -Ooh. 551 00:24:19,876 --> 00:24:22,334 You don't give the kids secret credit cards 552 00:24:22,418 --> 00:24:24,168 and undermine my parenting. 553 00:24:24,251 --> 00:24:26,793 I could watch you lay down the law all day. 554 00:24:26,876 --> 00:24:28,001 And, Nick. 555 00:24:28,084 --> 00:24:29,793 You get everything you want 556 00:24:29,876 --> 00:24:32,584 and don't appreciate the value of anything. 557 00:24:32,668 --> 00:24:35,251 -You're right. And I've learned my lesson. -Oh no. 558 00:24:35,334 --> 00:24:38,376 You're not getting off that easy. You're getting a job. 559 00:24:38,459 --> 00:24:40,501 Ah! You should be a vampire hunter! 560 00:24:40,584 --> 00:24:45,001 You're Grandpa's new piss boy, in charge of emptying his cans. 561 00:24:45,084 --> 00:24:48,584 I've already got a nice bloody one for ya, laddie. 562 00:24:48,668 --> 00:24:50,918 Hey, Andrew, uh, care to make a few bucks? 563 00:24:51,001 --> 00:24:52,876 You want me to clean your poppy's piss? 564 00:24:52,959 --> 00:24:55,209 Ten dollars a can, and I'll wipe you pretzel debt. 565 00:24:55,293 --> 00:24:56,543 Let me see the money first. 566 00:24:56,626 --> 00:24:59,251 Aha! Do svidaniya, bitch. 567 00:25:00,709 --> 00:25:01,543 Like a bird. 568 00:25:02,126 --> 00:25:03,293 Dearest reader. 569 00:25:03,376 --> 00:25:07,334 Word on the horse-shit-covered street is the good Reverend Elijah 570 00:25:07,418 --> 00:25:11,459 still holds high regard for Lady Foreman-Greenwald. 571 00:25:11,543 --> 00:25:16,501 And tragically, Prince Fatass has fallen precipitously in rank, 572 00:25:16,584 --> 00:25:20,709 and is now known as the Baron of Hot-Yellow-Piss. 573 00:25:20,793 --> 00:25:24,834 But to answer the most burning question of the social season, 574 00:25:24,918 --> 00:25:31,043 yes, Lord Rick did finally consummate his courtship with the Apple Brooch. 575 00:25:31,126 --> 00:25:35,459 Oh, Rick, you incredible sex beast, that was amazing. 576 00:25:35,543 --> 00:25:39,084 If only Steve Jobs was alive to see this, 577 00:25:39,168 --> 00:25:42,584 he'd be so proud of how far everything has come. 578 00:25:42,668 --> 00:25:44,459 And how far I just came. 579 00:25:44,543 --> 00:25:47,501 I shot like a fucking rocket, man.