1
00:00:10,834 --> 00:00:12,876
Heavy sigh.
2
00:00:12,959 --> 00:00:15,209
Life has been oh so lonely
3
00:00:15,293 --> 00:00:17,501
ever since the Knights of St. Joseph,
4
00:00:17,584 --> 00:00:20,751
AKA my pubes, died
5
00:00:20,834 --> 00:00:22,543
by execution
6
00:00:22,626 --> 00:00:24,209
ordered by moi.
7
00:00:24,293 --> 00:00:28,168
-Hark. Be that fanfare in the distance?
8
00:00:28,251 --> 00:00:31,876
Oh, medieval G.
9
00:00:31,959 --> 00:00:34,418
My pubies are back.
10
00:00:34,501 --> 00:00:36,959
Yes, my lady. We have returned.
11
00:00:37,043 --> 00:00:40,334
And we're not even mad at you
for beheading us in the village square.
12
00:00:40,418 --> 00:00:43,793
Honestly, every other man in my life
has, like, abandoned me,
13
00:00:43,876 --> 00:00:46,168
but you guys, you came back.
14
00:00:46,251 --> 00:00:48,334
This calls for a feast.
15
00:00:48,418 --> 00:00:50,293
And not just any feast.
16
00:00:50,376 --> 00:00:53,959
A jubilant feast.
17
00:01:52,751 --> 00:01:56,626
Fuck! My fucking mouth!
18
00:02:32,251 --> 00:02:34,876
Pancakes, eh? That's a girlie breakfast.
19
00:02:34,959 --> 00:02:35,834
Uh, how so?
20
00:02:35,918 --> 00:02:37,626
They're round and soft,
21
00:02:37,709 --> 00:02:40,793
just like you,
you doughy little short-stack fuck.
22
00:02:40,876 --> 00:02:42,293
Seamus, listen up.
23
00:02:42,376 --> 00:02:44,126
Elliot has something
he'd like to tell you.
24
00:02:44,209 --> 00:02:46,293
Yes. What I'd like to say is,
25
00:02:46,376 --> 00:02:48,918
um, I love you
more than the sun loves the sky.
26
00:02:49,001 --> 00:02:53,001
That's not it, Elliot.
Tell them what we discussed.
27
00:02:53,084 --> 00:02:57,376
Father, this weekend, the boys and I
are gonna help you clean out your house,
28
00:02:57,459 --> 00:02:58,751
so we can sell it.
29
00:02:58,834 --> 00:03:00,334
The hell you are.
30
00:03:00,418 --> 00:03:04,876
We'll use the money to set you up
in a very nice assisted-living community.
31
00:03:04,959 --> 00:03:06,876
An old-age home? Fuck you!
32
00:03:06,959 --> 00:03:08,043
Why do I have to go?
33
00:03:08,126 --> 00:03:12,043
I'm not, like, a… What is it?
Like, a mover or whatever they're called.
34
00:03:12,126 --> 00:03:14,626
You have to help
because you got us into this mess.
35
00:03:14,709 --> 00:03:16,501
And you need to move out
36
00:03:16,584 --> 00:03:19,709
because you spit on the carpet,
you scream in your sleep,
37
00:03:19,793 --> 00:03:21,501
for some reason, you bit our mailman.
38
00:03:21,584 --> 00:03:22,668
He knows what he did.
39
00:03:22,751 --> 00:03:26,001
And the stress of having you here
has been so overwhelming,
40
00:03:26,084 --> 00:03:29,168
I can't even eat my favorite meal,
Diane's vagina.
41
00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:30,751
Oh, Jesus, Dad.
42
00:03:30,834 --> 00:03:32,084
So, that's it, eh?
43
00:03:32,168 --> 00:03:35,834
You're gonna dump me in some morgue
just because your wife says so.
44
00:03:35,918 --> 00:03:38,043
I happen to agree with Diane. Always.
45
00:03:38,126 --> 00:03:41,626
Uh, just grow a vagina
and eat your own pussy, Elliot.
46
00:03:42,834 --> 00:03:43,834
Sorry, not funny.
47
00:03:44,626 --> 00:03:48,293
To say the roof of my mouth
was sloughing off in sheets
48
00:03:48,376 --> 00:03:50,751
would be the understatement
of the century.
49
00:03:50,834 --> 00:03:54,626
The Hot Pocket, my friends,
was simply too hot.
50
00:03:54,709 --> 00:03:58,293
Objection. They're supposed to be hot.
It's right in the name.
51
00:03:58,376 --> 00:04:00,251
-Not that hot.
-Overruled.
52
00:04:00,334 --> 00:04:01,209
Miss Skumpy,
53
00:04:01,293 --> 00:04:03,959
where were your parents
when this horrible injury occurred?
54
00:04:04,043 --> 00:04:05,459
Well, I have no dad,
55
00:04:05,543 --> 00:04:09,084
and my mom is both a groupie
and a workaholic,
56
00:04:09,168 --> 00:04:11,793
so she was on the road as per uzhe.
57
00:04:11,876 --> 00:04:15,168
Her parole officer, Rodney,
rushed me to the mouth hospital.
58
00:04:15,251 --> 00:04:19,751
But let the record show
that Rodney's car absolutely stunk.
59
00:04:19,834 --> 00:04:23,543
That's my bad, Your Honor.
A squirrel passed away in my trunk.
60
00:04:23,626 --> 00:04:27,834
Noted. Miss Skumpy,
your life sounds very lonely.
61
00:04:27,918 --> 00:04:29,418
Would you care to sing about it?
62
00:04:29,501 --> 00:04:32,501
Well, if it, like, pleases the court…
63
00:05:46,376 --> 00:05:49,084
I've heard enough.
64
00:05:49,168 --> 00:05:52,793
In the case
of Ugfuglio Skumpy v. Hot Pockets,
65
00:05:52,876 --> 00:05:55,501
the court rules in favor of Miss Skumpy.
66
00:05:56,584 --> 00:06:01,751
Holy molten cheese bites.
I'm gonna be a bazillionaire.
67
00:06:02,834 --> 00:06:03,709
Ah.
68
00:06:03,793 --> 00:06:05,876
-Uh, hey, guys.
-Hey there, sweetie.
69
00:06:05,959 --> 00:06:07,334
Namaste a while.
70
00:06:07,418 --> 00:06:09,959
Actually, downward-facing Dad,
71
00:06:10,043 --> 00:06:14,584
I was wondering if maybe you'd take me
to a daddy-daughter dance this weekend?
72
00:06:14,668 --> 00:06:16,001
Ooh, a dance?
73
00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:18,418
There's gonna be someone there
that I'd like you to meet.
74
00:06:18,501 --> 00:06:21,709
Oh, it sounds like a boy. A mother knows.
75
00:06:21,793 --> 00:06:23,584
His name is Elijah.
76
00:06:23,668 --> 00:06:26,251
Well, this Elijah better watch out
77
00:06:26,334 --> 00:06:29,418
'cause Big Papa Cyrus
can get pretty darn tough.
78
00:06:29,501 --> 00:06:32,543
Oh, I love it
when you call yourself Big Papa.
79
00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:36,376
Great. It's this weekend
at the Fountain of Life Church.
80
00:06:36,459 --> 00:06:38,418
-Oh!
-What? A church?
81
00:06:38,501 --> 00:06:41,834
But you know how your mother and I
feel about organized religion.
82
00:06:41,918 --> 00:06:42,751
I do, but--
83
00:06:42,834 --> 00:06:46,501
Anthropologically, it has done
so much harm in the world.
84
00:06:46,584 --> 00:06:47,709
But this will be fun.
85
00:06:47,793 --> 00:06:49,918
We'll eat pizza and shake our booties.
86
00:06:50,001 --> 00:06:52,959
And I really want you to meet Elijah.
Please?
87
00:06:53,043 --> 00:06:54,793
Well, when you put it like that,
88
00:06:54,876 --> 00:06:58,501
I guess I can only say, "Vinyasireebob."
89
00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:01,751
Aw, Dad,
you're… you're my favorite comedian.
90
00:07:01,834 --> 00:07:04,376
Now that I'm rich,
I think I'll get a private plane
91
00:07:04,459 --> 00:07:08,376
so I don't have to ride around
in your stank-ass car anymore, Rodney.
92
00:07:08,459 --> 00:07:11,751
Have you, uh, thought about putting
some money aside for college?
93
00:07:11,834 --> 00:07:14,126
I already graduated
from the School of Hard Knocks.
94
00:07:14,209 --> 00:07:18,168
-And, honey, I was the salutatorian.
95
00:07:18,751 --> 00:07:20,209
OMG, you guys.
96
00:07:20,293 --> 00:07:21,543
It's really her.
97
00:07:21,626 --> 00:07:23,043
Who in the world are you three?
98
00:07:23,126 --> 00:07:23,959
We are…
99
00:07:28,043 --> 00:07:29,043
Uh, come again?
100
00:07:29,126 --> 00:07:32,709
You know, the famous post-9/11 boy band?
101
00:07:34,834 --> 00:07:36,334
We saw you on TV, sweetie,
102
00:07:36,418 --> 00:07:38,376
serving up that hot, cheesy justice.
103
00:07:38,459 --> 00:07:41,626
And we just knew
you had to be Cookie Skumpy's daughter.
104
00:07:41,709 --> 00:07:43,418
We knew your mom back in the day.
105
00:07:43,501 --> 00:07:46,043
I mean, bad timing with that crow
flying in front of her face.
106
00:07:46,126 --> 00:07:49,834
Oh, I'd recognize
her signature Bumpit anywhere.
107
00:07:49,918 --> 00:07:51,043
That's my mom.
108
00:07:51,126 --> 00:07:54,251
Yep. And ready for an absolute slay?
109
00:07:54,334 --> 00:07:57,584
One of us is literally your dad.
110
00:07:57,668 --> 00:08:00,584
Wait, what? Like, how?
111
00:09:34,793 --> 00:09:37,209
-Holy Joe Paternity.
112
00:09:37,293 --> 00:09:40,543
My whole life
I've wondered who my dad could be.
113
00:09:40,626 --> 00:09:43,959
But now I've got dads-a-plenty.
114
00:09:44,043 --> 00:09:45,376
I don't know, Lols.
115
00:09:45,459 --> 00:09:47,751
It's kinda fishy
that these strange individuals
116
00:09:47,834 --> 00:09:51,168
showed up right after the news said
you're gonna be rich. You know?
117
00:09:51,251 --> 00:09:53,626
We must've heard
totally different songs, Rodney,
118
00:09:53,709 --> 00:09:57,084
because I am 100% on board.
Bring it in, Dads.
119
00:09:57,168 --> 00:09:59,501
-You got it, Lola.
-This rocks.
120
00:09:59,584 --> 00:10:02,001
Ooh, you're
a really strong hugger, sweetie.
121
00:10:02,084 --> 00:10:03,084
Oh.
122
00:10:04,168 --> 00:10:06,459
I'm so psyched
your dad's coming to the dance.
123
00:10:06,543 --> 00:10:10,626
I heard last year was nuts.
They had grape soda and orange.
124
00:10:10,709 --> 00:10:12,876
Wow.
I bet someone mixed them together
125
00:10:12,959 --> 00:10:14,751
in the same cup and was like…
126
00:10:15,793 --> 00:10:18,209
Oh, snap, a daddy-daughter dance?
127
00:10:18,293 --> 00:10:22,459
How apropos
of my recent life developments.
128
00:10:22,543 --> 00:10:25,418
Oh, hey, Missy. How many dads do you have?
129
00:10:25,501 --> 00:10:27,918
-Uh, one?
-Pathetic.
130
00:10:28,001 --> 00:10:31,876
I have three. Get ready
to be brutally upstaged by yours truly.
131
00:10:31,959 --> 00:10:34,001
Ooh, Jessi, you and your dad should come.
132
00:10:34,084 --> 00:10:35,793
"Fountain of Life Church"?
133
00:10:35,876 --> 00:10:38,001
Yeah, there's gonna be
a Christian caricature artist.
134
00:10:38,084 --> 00:10:40,876
He'll draw you up on the cross,
and holding a basketball if you want.
135
00:10:40,959 --> 00:10:44,584
Hold on.
Is this, like, one of those purity balls?
136
00:10:44,668 --> 00:10:46,293
What? No, it's just a dance.
137
00:10:46,376 --> 00:10:49,084
Actually, Missy, there is
a kind of abstinence component.
138
00:10:49,168 --> 00:10:50,084
-There it is.
-What?
139
00:10:50,168 --> 00:10:53,459
The dads take this vow, or whatever,
to protect their daughters' virtue.
140
00:10:53,543 --> 00:10:55,751
-Oh.
-Okay, this dance is ridiculous, right?
141
00:10:55,834 --> 00:10:59,043
Yeah, and pointless.
You can't stop kids from fucking.
142
00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:00,751
Mama, what's "fucking"?
143
00:11:00,834 --> 00:11:04,709
Okay, Montel. When two creatures
love each other very much,
144
00:11:04,793 --> 00:11:08,001
or find themselves
in the same airport bathroom,
145
00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:11,501
they'll rub together
any gooey parts they got
146
00:11:11,584 --> 00:11:14,376
till everyone feels fantastic.
147
00:11:14,459 --> 00:11:16,251
Well, I feel up to speed.
148
00:11:16,334 --> 00:11:18,626
Great, now let's move on to fisting.
149
00:11:18,709 --> 00:11:19,668
Let's.
150
00:11:21,043 --> 00:11:25,251
So, you're really gonna dump
your old man into a death camp?
151
00:11:25,334 --> 00:11:27,959
Dad, I told Diane we're doing this,
so we're doing it.
152
00:11:28,043 --> 00:11:30,918
Oh, sugar,
I left my moving gloves in my closet.
153
00:11:31,001 --> 00:11:32,876
Nicky, would you be a dear and grab them?
154
00:11:32,959 --> 00:11:35,918
I know my way around your closet,
Dr. Birch. Allow me.
155
00:11:36,501 --> 00:11:40,126
Ho, ho, the cave of wonders.
Shall we snoop?
156
00:11:40,209 --> 00:11:41,084
-Ooh.
-Yes.
157
00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:43,501
What is a "Peenie Prison"?
158
00:11:43,584 --> 00:11:45,209
I am scared and aroused,
159
00:11:45,293 --> 00:11:47,293
the chocolate and peanut butter
of feelings.
160
00:11:47,376 --> 00:11:51,418
"The Peenie Prison is a Bluetooth-enabled
male chastity device."
161
00:11:51,501 --> 00:11:53,376
-What?
-Oh, okay.
162
00:11:53,459 --> 00:11:55,709
So you stick
your fat little piggy in there
163
00:11:55,793 --> 00:11:58,168
and lock it away so you can't get hard.
164
00:11:58,251 --> 00:11:59,543
Why would anyone want that?
165
00:11:59,626 --> 00:12:01,876
Oh, Andrew, it can be very erotic
166
00:12:01,959 --> 00:12:05,251
to relinquish control of your schwang
to somebody else.
167
00:12:05,334 --> 00:12:08,001
My submissive dick
absolutely lives for that shit.
168
00:12:08,084 --> 00:12:12,001
You wanna put on a pair of high heels
and step on me, Daddy?
169
00:12:12,084 --> 00:12:13,709
-Yeah, bitch.
-Andrew, focus.
170
00:12:13,793 --> 00:12:15,751
I mean, clearly, I should try on
171
00:12:15,834 --> 00:12:18,459
my friend's dad's genital torture device,
right?
172
00:12:18,543 --> 00:12:19,668
Yeah, just for a second.
173
00:12:19,751 --> 00:12:20,626
Wiping it off…
174
00:12:20,709 --> 00:12:24,293
It says the size is "Virginia Slim,"
but you're more of a "Minnesota Meatball."
175
00:12:24,376 --> 00:12:27,543
I think if I just kind of fold it…
176
00:12:27,626 --> 00:12:28,918
I'm in. Oh!
177
00:12:29,001 --> 00:12:31,043
-This feels naughty, Maury.
178
00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:32,834
Oh no, the Peenie Prison's engaged.
179
00:12:32,918 --> 00:12:35,751
You're locked in
with no possibility for parole.
180
00:12:35,834 --> 00:12:38,918
Oh, and why is this sudden panic
making me hard?
181
00:12:39,001 --> 00:12:40,751
-Andrew, sweetie, time to go.
-Oh God.
182
00:12:40,834 --> 00:12:44,251
-What do I do, Maury?
-I think you just gotta do your time, bud.
183
00:12:44,334 --> 00:12:47,751
And that's why we're called Bros 4 Life.
184
00:12:47,834 --> 00:12:51,459
Because we knew we'd always be friends,
but we're also vehemently anti-abortion.
185
00:12:51,543 --> 00:12:55,293
And thank American God
your mom didn't abort you.
186
00:12:55,376 --> 00:12:57,209
Oh, contented sigh.
187
00:12:57,293 --> 00:13:00,293
I love having all three of you as my dad.
188
00:13:00,376 --> 00:13:03,251
-Oh, for realsie-ba-deelsies?
-Of course.
189
00:13:03,334 --> 00:13:04,959
When you three showed up,
190
00:13:05,043 --> 00:13:08,084
it was, like,
the moment my life actually started.
191
00:13:08,168 --> 00:13:10,001
Oh, just like in our song.
192
00:13:16,126 --> 00:13:19,084
Oh my God,
I love that your music has a message.
193
00:13:20,001 --> 00:13:23,043
Ew, Rodney, what are you doing here?
194
00:13:23,126 --> 00:13:26,876
Well, Lols, I ran a background check
on Bros 4 Life and--
195
00:13:26,959 --> 00:13:27,918
You what?
196
00:13:28,001 --> 00:13:30,543
I think we should conduct
a proper DNA test.
197
00:13:30,626 --> 00:13:33,168
I don't know if any of these hunks
is your real dad.
198
00:13:33,251 --> 00:13:37,668
Not only is one of them my dad,
as far as I'm concerned, they all are.
199
00:13:37,751 --> 00:13:41,043
Your Majesty,
Sir Rodney only wants the best for you.
200
00:13:41,126 --> 00:13:43,876
Though his leather jacket is fake,
his heart is true.
201
00:13:43,959 --> 00:13:44,834
Enough!
202
00:13:44,918 --> 00:13:47,501
Rodney, it's that moment
in every single girl's life
203
00:13:47,584 --> 00:13:50,876
when she must look
her mother's parole officer in the eye
204
00:13:50,959 --> 00:13:54,584
and say, "I have three dads.
I do not need you anymore."
205
00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:55,626
But, Lola, I--
206
00:13:55,709 --> 00:13:57,959
Rodney, sashay away.
207
00:14:42,418 --> 00:14:45,251
Rodney, no lamenting in the hallway.
208
00:14:46,334 --> 00:14:47,584
My bad, Lols.
209
00:14:48,668 --> 00:14:50,709
Aye, home sweet home.
210
00:14:50,793 --> 00:14:54,751
Sick. I was promised squalor
and squalor was delivered.
211
00:14:54,834 --> 00:14:59,459
Oh God, Andrew, I can hear
your dick's pulse from a mile away.
212
00:14:59,543 --> 00:15:03,584
Yeah, asshole, this torture device
is crushing my ample hog.
213
00:15:03,668 --> 00:15:06,126
And my nuts, Maury,
they've taken the top bunk.
214
00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:09,543
Well, maybe there's a toolbox
somewhere in this godforsaken shithole.
215
00:15:09,626 --> 00:15:10,459
Oh, good call.
216
00:15:10,543 --> 00:15:15,084
Uh, if you gentlemen will excuse me,
I've got a bathroom emergency.
217
00:15:15,168 --> 00:15:17,126
-Feces style.
-Again?
218
00:15:17,209 --> 00:15:20,126
Well, thanks for the ride home,
Princess Pussy-whipped.
219
00:15:20,209 --> 00:15:21,501
I'm sorry. What are you doing?
220
00:15:21,584 --> 00:15:24,543
Making myself comfortable,
'cause I'm not going anywhere.
221
00:15:24,626 --> 00:15:28,084
You can't live here anymore.
This place should be condemned.
222
00:15:28,168 --> 00:15:29,001
Now get up.
223
00:15:29,084 --> 00:15:31,084
There's a lot of improvised toilets
to sort through.
224
00:15:31,168 --> 00:15:34,459
You want me to get up,
you're gonna have to make me.
225
00:15:34,543 --> 00:15:35,751
Do it, Dad. Make him.
226
00:15:35,834 --> 00:15:39,584
Yeah, he's like a million years old.
You might actually be able to take him.
227
00:15:39,668 --> 00:15:43,876
No. In this family,
we use our hearts, not our fists.
228
00:15:43,959 --> 00:15:45,376
Fuck your prissy heart.
229
00:15:45,459 --> 00:15:48,084
'Cause I'm not rotting away
in some old folks home.
230
00:15:48,168 --> 00:15:52,584
Now go fetch the shitting boy
and get the fuck outta my house.
231
00:15:54,251 --> 00:15:57,668
DJ Pendejo's in the house. God's house.
232
00:15:57,751 --> 00:15:58,793
Pew, pew, pew!
233
00:15:58,876 --> 00:16:00,584
I'm very scared of God.
234
00:16:00,668 --> 00:16:03,751
Nice to meet you, Mr. Foreman-Greenwald.
I've heard a lot about you.
235
00:16:03,834 --> 00:16:07,126
Well, then, pop quiz, hotshot.
What's my favorite color?
236
00:16:07,209 --> 00:16:08,043
Dad.
237
00:16:08,126 --> 00:16:10,543
Clementine. Not orange, but clementine.
238
00:16:10,626 --> 00:16:12,334
Very impressive, young man.
239
00:16:12,418 --> 00:16:13,834
Double doors.
240
00:16:13,918 --> 00:16:15,918
Arriving, scanning,
241
00:16:16,001 --> 00:16:17,126
judging…
242
00:16:17,209 --> 00:16:21,126
You're the hottest daughter here by far,
Lola, and I've really been looking.
243
00:16:21,209 --> 00:16:23,668
Also, everyone else's
dad-to-daughter ratio
244
00:16:23,751 --> 00:16:26,126
is like commonplace AF, hunty.
245
00:16:26,209 --> 00:16:28,918
No kidding. I almost feel bad for them.
246
00:16:29,001 --> 00:16:33,126
But if I'm being honest,
all I really feel is amazing
247
00:16:33,209 --> 00:16:34,376
for me.
248
00:17:21,876 --> 00:17:23,084
Here, use these pliers.
249
00:17:23,168 --> 00:17:25,543
Get a good grip
on the Peenie Prison and twist.
250
00:17:25,626 --> 00:17:27,584
Ow! Fuck. It's really on there.
251
00:17:27,668 --> 00:17:30,543
Ooh, maybe loosen it up,
you know, like a pickle jar?
252
00:17:30,626 --> 00:17:32,834
Oh! I felt that one in my guts.
253
00:17:32,918 --> 00:17:34,918
Hey, shitting boy,
I'm supposed to fetch you.
254
00:17:35,001 --> 00:17:36,793
-Hey. No. Don't come in here.
-Whoa.
255
00:17:36,876 --> 00:17:38,626
-Nick.
-What the fuck are you doing?
256
00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:41,543
It's actually
a very charming and relatable story.
257
00:17:41,626 --> 00:17:46,334
Dad, you lock your dick up
in a little box that only Mom can open?
258
00:17:46,418 --> 00:17:47,793
Well, not a box exactly.
259
00:17:47,876 --> 00:17:50,293
It's a Bluetooth-enabled device
I wear sometimes
260
00:17:50,376 --> 00:17:53,293
when your mother and I
engage in sensual play.
261
00:17:53,376 --> 00:17:55,959
Oh, this is a new low.
262
00:17:56,043 --> 00:18:01,001
Maybe if your dick wasn't locked up,
you'd be able to satisfy your wife.
263
00:18:01,084 --> 00:18:03,918
Hey, you're the reason
I can't satisfy my wife.
264
00:18:04,001 --> 00:18:08,084
It's been six-and-a-half days
since I've feasted upon her essence.
265
00:18:08,168 --> 00:18:09,168
-Ooh.
-Ew, Dad!
266
00:18:09,251 --> 00:18:13,376
I've never even gone two days before.
Not when I had strep throat.
267
00:18:13,459 --> 00:18:15,918
Not when I was
on a business trip in Seattle.
268
00:18:16,001 --> 00:18:19,293
I flew home every 48 hours
to dine upon Diane.
269
00:18:19,376 --> 00:18:21,376
Shut up, shut up, shut up
about Mom's vagina!
270
00:18:21,459 --> 00:18:23,543
God, my caged cock is quaking.
271
00:18:23,626 --> 00:18:29,459
So, you let the woman
lock up your pathetic little prick, eh?
272
00:18:29,543 --> 00:18:32,543
No wonder she's such a ball-busting hag.
273
00:18:32,626 --> 00:18:33,876
What did you just say?
274
00:18:33,959 --> 00:18:37,501
I said your wife's a bitch.
275
00:18:37,584 --> 00:18:38,876
Diane is God.
276
00:18:39,376 --> 00:18:42,168
Holy shit. Dad, you punched Grandpa.
277
00:18:42,251 --> 00:18:43,668
I love you, Dad.
278
00:18:43,751 --> 00:18:45,584
Oh my God. What have I done?
279
00:18:45,668 --> 00:18:47,459
Father, are you okay?
280
00:18:48,334 --> 00:18:50,084
-Well, look at you.
-Here.
281
00:18:50,626 --> 00:18:55,543
William Wallace MacGregor,
welcome home, son.
282
00:18:56,584 --> 00:18:59,709
-Go, Cyrus. Go, Cyrus. Go, Cyrus, go!
283
00:18:59,793 --> 00:19:03,126
Whoa, I did not see
that no-hands cartwheel coming.
284
00:19:03,209 --> 00:19:05,209
Yeah, that's new.
He's been working on that.
285
00:19:05,293 --> 00:19:06,418
This is the best night
286
00:19:06,501 --> 00:19:10,418
of my already storied
and very fascinating life.
287
00:19:10,501 --> 00:19:12,376
-Us too, sweetie.
-Yeah.
288
00:19:12,459 --> 00:19:15,709
Even if you weren't about to get
a truckload of money from your lawsuit,
289
00:19:15,793 --> 00:19:18,543
we'd still be super psyched
to be your dads.
290
00:19:18,626 --> 00:19:20,709
Well, Dads, that is marvelous news,
291
00:19:20,793 --> 00:19:23,793
because there is no truckload
of money coming.
292
00:19:23,876 --> 00:19:25,001
-What?
-What do you mean?
293
00:19:25,084 --> 00:19:27,876
Well, because I decided
to get my settlement…
294
00:19:27,959 --> 00:19:30,043
Pausing for dramatic effect.
295
00:19:30,126 --> 00:19:33,043
…in Hot Pockets instead. Yay.
296
00:19:33,126 --> 00:19:34,168
You idiot.
297
00:19:34,251 --> 00:19:36,043
How could you fuck us over like this?
298
00:19:36,126 --> 00:19:37,168
Bye, Felicia.
299
00:19:37,251 --> 00:19:40,209
Wait, what?
Dads, why are you saying these things?
300
00:19:40,293 --> 00:19:43,084
Because we're not your real dads, stupid.
We just wanted your money.
301
00:19:43,168 --> 00:19:46,209
Yeah, it was gonna pay
for Bros 4 Life's big comeback.
302
00:19:46,293 --> 00:19:49,168
We already bought
queen-size bunk beds for the loft.
303
00:19:49,251 --> 00:19:51,626
But I thought we were a family.
304
00:19:51,709 --> 00:19:55,043
What about that yarn
that you spun through song?
305
00:19:55,126 --> 00:19:59,168
Uh, it was bullshit.
I couldn't have gotten your mom pregnant.
306
00:19:59,251 --> 00:20:01,793
We only did it in the butt,
Christian-style.
307
00:20:01,876 --> 00:20:04,334
Yeah, and I was castrated in high school
so I could…
308
00:20:07,584 --> 00:20:10,376
And your mom
only gave me a hand job while I wept.
309
00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:11,584
#BornThisWay.
310
00:20:11,668 --> 00:20:14,459
Wait. Don't go. Please.
311
00:20:21,376 --> 00:20:24,293
Well, I hate that
that's gonna be stuck in my head now.
312
00:20:24,376 --> 00:20:28,959
All right, everybody,
God's boyfriend has an announcement now.
313
00:20:29,043 --> 00:20:30,751
What's up, party people?
314
00:20:30,834 --> 00:20:32,418
I know we're having a blast,
315
00:20:32,501 --> 00:20:34,751
but we're here tonight
for a very special reason.
316
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:36,876
-Whoop, whoop!
-Sacred vows.
317
00:20:36,959 --> 00:20:38,668
That's right, Richard and Richard.
318
00:20:38,751 --> 00:20:42,626
Time for all the dads in the house
to take the purity pledge.
319
00:20:42,709 --> 00:20:43,918
Do what now?
320
00:20:44,001 --> 00:20:46,793
Dad, please don't make
a big deal out of this.
321
00:20:46,876 --> 00:20:49,834
Dearest daughter, on this day,
in front of God,
322
00:20:49,918 --> 00:20:52,709
-I do solemnly swear…
-What? No, no, no, no.
323
00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:55,459
…to protect your virginity.
324
00:20:55,543 --> 00:20:58,751
No! Stop it! What are you all doing?
325
00:20:58,834 --> 00:21:01,751
They're just promising God
their daughters won't have S-E-X.
326
00:21:01,834 --> 00:21:03,834
But our daughters aren't helpless objects
327
00:21:03,918 --> 00:21:06,418
that we need to protect
from their own sexuality.
328
00:21:06,501 --> 00:21:07,334
Dad.
329
00:21:07,418 --> 00:21:09,001
They're capable
of making their own choices.
330
00:21:09,084 --> 00:21:10,043
Thank you. Now be quiet.
331
00:21:10,126 --> 00:21:13,876
This is exactly why
I didn't wanna take you to church.
332
00:21:13,959 --> 00:21:15,501
Shout-out to Hozier.
333
00:21:15,584 --> 00:21:19,043
Organized religion
is built around subjugating women.
334
00:21:19,126 --> 00:21:20,001
That's not true.
335
00:21:20,084 --> 00:21:22,501
Christianity's about good works
and community.
336
00:21:22,584 --> 00:21:23,918
Yeah, and loving one another.
337
00:21:24,001 --> 00:21:26,418
You shut your mouth, you little gentleman.
338
00:21:26,501 --> 00:21:29,334
Okay, Dad, you're embarrassing me
in front of my friends.
339
00:21:29,418 --> 00:21:33,959
Well, I don't like Kirk Cameron over here
dragging you into this church nonsense.
340
00:21:34,043 --> 00:21:37,084
Piety? Abstinence? He is a bad influence.
341
00:21:37,168 --> 00:21:39,334
Well, you're a closed-minded elitist.
342
00:21:39,418 --> 00:21:42,001
And I wish I'd never invited you
to this dance.
343
00:21:42,084 --> 00:21:43,084
-Missy, wait.
344
00:21:43,168 --> 00:21:47,043
Hey, Richard, congratulations
on marrying your daughter.
345
00:21:47,126 --> 00:21:51,126
Is she, uh, taking your last name
or can I have it?
346
00:21:51,209 --> 00:21:53,668
-Oh man, what a day.
347
00:21:53,751 --> 00:21:55,959
You really scrambled my eggs, Willy boy.
348
00:21:56,043 --> 00:21:57,834
Dad, what's wrong with your hand?
349
00:21:57,918 --> 00:21:59,543
I punched my father in the face.
350
00:21:59,626 --> 00:22:01,459
-You did what?
-It was awesome.
351
00:22:01,543 --> 00:22:04,793
Dad fucking decked him, and then Grandpa
got up and cleaned the house.
352
00:22:04,876 --> 00:22:07,626
Look at that hole,
black as the ace of spades.
353
00:22:07,709 --> 00:22:08,626
Oh my God.
354
00:22:08,709 --> 00:22:09,959
And I've made a decision.
355
00:22:10,043 --> 00:22:12,418
My father's not moving
into assisted living.
356
00:22:12,501 --> 00:22:15,126
He's staying here with us, permanently.
357
00:22:15,209 --> 00:22:17,418
-Wait, hold on, what?
-I've abandoned him once.
358
00:22:17,501 --> 00:22:19,001
I won't do it again.
359
00:22:19,084 --> 00:22:22,501
Excuse me, Elliot, that's not
how we make decisions in this house.
360
00:22:22,584 --> 00:22:24,418
-I wasn't finished, Diane.
-Oh.
361
00:22:24,501 --> 00:22:27,251
Now you march
your beautiful body up those stairs,
362
00:22:27,334 --> 00:22:29,959
because goddamn it, it's time to eat.
363
00:22:30,043 --> 00:22:33,043
Well, okay. I mean, if you say so.
364
00:22:33,126 --> 00:22:34,543
Mom, are you serious?
365
00:22:34,626 --> 00:22:38,209
Leah, we'll deal with your father's
upsetting new personality later.
366
00:22:38,293 --> 00:22:41,376
-Um, Mrs. Birch?
-What, Andrew? What the fuck do you want?
367
00:22:41,459 --> 00:22:45,293
Yeah, I was wondering if you could unlock
your husband's Peenie Prison,
368
00:22:45,376 --> 00:22:47,501
which happens to be on my peenie.
369
00:22:47,584 --> 00:22:49,418
-Oh, Jesus Christ.
370
00:22:49,501 --> 00:22:50,876
Oh! Ooh!
371
00:22:50,959 --> 00:22:52,918
Oh, my weenus can finally breathe.
372
00:22:53,001 --> 00:22:54,459
Get the fuck out of our house.
373
00:22:54,543 --> 00:22:55,459
Yeah, I know.
374
00:22:55,543 --> 00:22:57,418
Okay, I'll see you at school, Nick.
375
00:22:57,501 --> 00:22:59,668
Missy, uh, there you are.
376
00:22:59,751 --> 00:23:02,543
Let's just go home already, okay?
You've made your stupid point.
377
00:23:02,626 --> 00:23:05,793
Listen, I am sorry
I made a scene in there,
378
00:23:05,876 --> 00:23:09,501
but it feels like you just keep changing
in ways that aren't like you.
379
00:23:09,584 --> 00:23:12,251
No, I'm changing in ways
that aren't like you.
380
00:23:12,334 --> 00:23:14,751
You said girls should be allowed
to make their own choices,
381
00:23:14,834 --> 00:23:16,459
so why doesn't that include me?
382
00:23:16,543 --> 00:23:19,334
Well, I guess
if you wanna serve the community
383
00:23:19,418 --> 00:23:21,293
and spend your time with a polite boy
384
00:23:21,376 --> 00:23:23,709
who will never pressure you
into having sex,
385
00:23:23,793 --> 00:23:26,293
I'm just gonna have
to learn to live with that.
386
00:23:26,376 --> 00:23:27,251
Thanks, Dad.
387
00:23:27,959 --> 00:23:29,793
And if anything,
I'm gonna pressure him, so…
388
00:23:29,876 --> 00:23:31,168
I'm sorry, what was that?
389
00:23:32,209 --> 00:23:35,293
At least I went for the lump sum.
390
00:23:35,376 --> 00:23:36,626
But sigh.
391
00:23:36,709 --> 00:23:42,043
The heat of this gargantuan Hot Pocket
is the only warmth I deserve.
392
00:23:42,126 --> 00:23:44,668
-Whoever could that be?
393
00:23:44,751 --> 00:23:49,793
More swindlers to re-break
my already very much broken heart?
394
00:23:49,876 --> 00:23:51,959
Hey, Lols. I heard about what happened.
395
00:23:52,043 --> 00:23:56,001
Go ahead. Say, "I told you so."
Lord knows I would.
396
00:23:56,084 --> 00:23:59,793
Nah, nah, I came to say I'm sorry.
You deserve better.
397
00:23:59,876 --> 00:24:01,084
Whatever, Rodney.
398
00:24:01,168 --> 00:24:03,793
Your car deserves to smell better.
Beat it.
399
00:24:03,876 --> 00:24:04,709
As you wish.
400
00:24:04,793 --> 00:24:07,043
Your Highness, don't let him leave.
401
00:24:07,126 --> 00:24:09,043
Sir Rodney is a man of valor.
402
00:24:09,126 --> 00:24:11,584
Your most loyal subject.
403
00:24:11,668 --> 00:24:16,959
Absorbing, deciding,
completing emotional arc.
404
00:24:17,043 --> 00:24:18,209
Rodney, wait.
405
00:24:18,293 --> 00:24:20,626
I've been taking you for Hugh Granted.
406
00:24:20,709 --> 00:24:21,834
What are you saying, Lols?
407
00:24:21,918 --> 00:24:24,418
I'm saying, I'm just a girl,
408
00:24:24,501 --> 00:24:27,334
standing in front
of her mother's parole officer,
409
00:24:27,418 --> 00:24:31,043
asking him to be her chosen father figure.
410
00:24:31,126 --> 00:24:34,668
Oh, Lola, I feel like
I just got my car detailed.
411
00:24:34,751 --> 00:24:36,626
What do we do now, my chosen daughter?
412
00:24:36,709 --> 00:24:41,209
Obviously, we're gonna sing another song,
you bona fide bozo.
413
00:24:41,293 --> 00:24:43,626
Pay attention. Jesus, Rodney.
414
00:25:19,834 --> 00:25:22,626
-Huh-uh.
415
00:25:34,001 --> 00:25:35,084
Lola.
416
00:25:36,876 --> 00:25:37,793
Lola.
417
00:25:39,959 --> 00:25:41,501
That's me.
418
00:26:02,251 --> 00:26:03,168
Oh.