1
00:00:06,918 --> 00:00:07,834
[bell tolls]
2
00:00:09,584 --> 00:00:10,751
[enchanting music plays]
3
00:00:10,834 --> 00:00:12,876
[Lola sighs] Heavy sigh.
4
00:00:12,959 --> 00:00:15,209
Life has been oh so lonely
5
00:00:15,293 --> 00:00:17,501
ever since the Knights of St. Joseph,
6
00:00:17,584 --> 00:00:20,751
AKA my pubes, died
7
00:00:20,834 --> 00:00:22,543
by execution
8
00:00:22,626 --> 00:00:24,209
ordered by moi.
9
00:00:24,293 --> 00:00:28,168
-[trumpets sound]
-Hark. Be that fanfare in the distance?
10
00:00:28,251 --> 00:00:31,876
Oh, medieval G.
11
00:00:31,959 --> 00:00:34,418
My pubies are back.
12
00:00:34,501 --> 00:00:36,959
Yes, my lady. We have returned.
13
00:00:37,043 --> 00:00:40,334
And we're not even mad at you
for beheading us in the village square.
14
00:00:40,418 --> 00:00:43,793
Honestly, every other man in my life
has, like, abandoned me,
15
00:00:43,876 --> 00:00:46,168
but you guys, you came back.
16
00:00:46,251 --> 00:00:48,334
[gasps] This calls for a feast.
17
00:00:48,418 --> 00:00:50,293
And not just any feast.
18
00:00:50,376 --> 00:00:53,959
A jubilant feast.
19
00:00:54,043 --> 00:00:59,126
♪ When me and the gang
Get together for a celebration ♪
20
00:01:00,043 --> 00:01:05,543
♪ Well, we don't need loser friends
Or fancy decorations ♪
21
00:01:06,376 --> 00:01:09,501
♪ 'Cause there's only one way
To quell my party lust ♪
22
00:01:09,584 --> 00:01:12,626
♪ I need savory sludge in a prefab crust ♪
23
00:01:12,709 --> 00:01:13,959
♪ Gimme pepperoni ♪
24
00:01:14,043 --> 00:01:15,501
-♪ Philly steak ♪
-♪ Ham and cheese ♪
25
00:01:15,584 --> 00:01:18,251
♪ Chicken and cheddar ♪
26
00:01:19,001 --> 00:01:22,959
♪ It's a Hot Pocket party, babe
I never wanna leave ♪
27
00:01:23,043 --> 00:01:25,209
♪ Hot party, Hot Pocket party ♪
28
00:01:25,293 --> 00:01:28,418
♪ Gonna snack away
All my stress and strife ♪
29
00:01:28,501 --> 00:01:31,501
-♪ Fill the hole in my tummy ♪
-♪ And the hole in your life ♪
30
00:01:31,584 --> 00:01:33,584
♪ We'll have a Hot Pocket party ♪
31
00:01:33,668 --> 00:01:35,626
♪ Lolapalooza tonight ♪
32
00:01:35,709 --> 00:01:38,168
♪ Hot party, Hot Pocket party ♪
33
00:01:38,251 --> 00:01:39,668
♪ The microwave's a-rockin' ♪
34
00:01:39,751 --> 00:01:41,084
♪ Hear it hum and sing ♪
35
00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:44,209
♪ Gonna pounce like a panther
When I hear that ding ♪
36
00:01:44,293 --> 00:01:47,501
♪ Rip that steamy little morsel
From its paper plate ♪
37
00:01:47,584 --> 00:01:50,459
♪ Gotta shove it in my gullet
'Cause I just can't wait ♪
38
00:01:50,543 --> 00:01:51,751
♪ It's a Hot Pocket-- ♪
39
00:01:51,834 --> 00:01:52,668
[screams]
40
00:01:52,751 --> 00:01:56,626
[gags] Fuck! My fucking mouth!
41
00:01:56,709 --> 00:01:58,043
[groans]
42
00:02:00,418 --> 00:02:06,043
♪ I'm going through changes ♪
43
00:02:09,876 --> 00:02:15,543
♪ I'm going through changes ♪
44
00:02:16,043 --> 00:02:18,209
♪ Oh, in my life ♪
45
00:02:19,626 --> 00:02:22,834
♪ Oh, ooh, ooh ♪
46
00:02:32,251 --> 00:02:34,876
Pancakes, eh? That's a girlie breakfast.
47
00:02:34,959 --> 00:02:35,834
Uh, how so?
48
00:02:35,918 --> 00:02:37,626
They're round and soft,
49
00:02:37,709 --> 00:02:40,793
just like you,
you doughy little short-stack fuck.
50
00:02:40,876 --> 00:02:42,293
Seamus, listen up.
51
00:02:42,376 --> 00:02:44,126
Elliot has something
he'd like to tell you.
52
00:02:44,209 --> 00:02:46,293
Yes. What I'd like to say is,
53
00:02:46,376 --> 00:02:48,918
um, I love you
more than the sun loves the sky.
54
00:02:49,001 --> 00:02:53,001
That's not it, Elliot.
Tell them what we discussed.
55
00:02:53,084 --> 00:02:57,376
Father, this weekend, the boys and I
are gonna help you clean out your house,
56
00:02:57,459 --> 00:02:58,751
so we can sell it.
57
00:02:58,834 --> 00:03:00,334
The hell you are.
58
00:03:00,418 --> 00:03:04,876
We'll use the money to set you up
in a very nice assisted-living community.
59
00:03:04,959 --> 00:03:06,876
An old-age home? Fuck you!
60
00:03:06,959 --> 00:03:08,043
Why do I have to go?
61
00:03:08,126 --> 00:03:12,043
I'm not, like, a… What is it?
Like, a mover or whatever they're called.
62
00:03:12,126 --> 00:03:14,626
You have to help
because you got us into this mess.
63
00:03:14,709 --> 00:03:16,501
And you need to move out
64
00:03:16,584 --> 00:03:19,709
because you spit on the carpet,
you scream in your sleep,
65
00:03:19,793 --> 00:03:21,501
for some reason, you bit our mailman.
66
00:03:21,584 --> 00:03:22,668
He knows what he did.
67
00:03:22,751 --> 00:03:26,001
And the stress of having you here
has been so overwhelming,
68
00:03:26,084 --> 00:03:29,168
I can't even eat my favorite meal,
Diane's vagina.
69
00:03:29,251 --> 00:03:30,751
Oh, Jesus, Dad.
70
00:03:30,834 --> 00:03:32,084
So, that's it, eh?
71
00:03:32,168 --> 00:03:35,834
You're gonna dump me in some morgue
just because your wife says so.
72
00:03:35,918 --> 00:03:38,043
I happen to agree with Diane. Always.
73
00:03:38,126 --> 00:03:41,626
Uh, just grow a vagina
and eat your own pussy, Elliot.
74
00:03:41,709 --> 00:03:42,751
[laughs]
75
00:03:42,834 --> 00:03:43,834
Sorry, not funny.
76
00:03:44,626 --> 00:03:48,293
To say the roof of my mouth
was sloughing off in sheets
77
00:03:48,376 --> 00:03:50,751
would be the understatement
of the century.
78
00:03:50,834 --> 00:03:54,626
The Hot Pocket, my friends,
was simply too hot.
79
00:03:54,709 --> 00:03:58,293
Objection. They're supposed to be hot.
It's right in the name.
80
00:03:58,376 --> 00:04:00,251
-Not that hot.
-Overruled.
81
00:04:00,334 --> 00:04:01,209
Miss Skumpy,
82
00:04:01,293 --> 00:04:03,959
where were your parents
when this horrible injury occurred?
83
00:04:04,043 --> 00:04:05,459
Well, I have no dad,
84
00:04:05,543 --> 00:04:09,084
and my mom is both a groupie
and a workaholic,
85
00:04:09,168 --> 00:04:11,793
so she was on the road as per uzhe.
86
00:04:11,876 --> 00:04:15,168
Her parole officer, Rodney,
rushed me to the mouth hospital.
87
00:04:15,251 --> 00:04:19,751
But let the record show
that Rodney's car absolutely stunk.
88
00:04:19,834 --> 00:04:23,543
That's my bad, Your Honor.
A squirrel passed away in my trunk.
89
00:04:23,626 --> 00:04:27,834
Noted. Miss Skumpy,
your life sounds very lonely.
90
00:04:27,918 --> 00:04:29,418
Would you care to sing about it?
91
00:04:29,501 --> 00:04:32,501
Well, if it, like, pleases the court…
[chuckles]
92
00:04:32,584 --> 00:04:33,834
[breathes deeply]
93
00:04:34,501 --> 00:04:41,376
♪ I wake up to a cold, empty condo ♪
94
00:04:42,126 --> 00:04:44,376
♪ Fill the deafening silence ♪
95
00:04:44,459 --> 00:04:49,376
♪ With voices on TV ♪
96
00:04:50,168 --> 00:04:53,584
♪ Take an Uber-X to school ♪
97
00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:57,709
♪ Force a smile and play it cool ♪
98
00:04:58,418 --> 00:05:05,043
♪ But basically, it sucks being me ♪
99
00:05:06,168 --> 00:05:13,168
♪ Mom's postcards
Show a life of grand adventure ♪
100
00:05:14,376 --> 00:05:21,209
♪ Hoobastanking 'round the country
Happy and free ♪
101
00:05:21,293 --> 00:05:25,668
♪ While I'm stuck home alone and sulking ♪
102
00:05:25,751 --> 00:05:29,876
♪ Like a sad Macaulay Culkin ♪
103
00:05:29,959 --> 00:05:33,918
♪ What I'm saying is it sucks ♪
104
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:38,459
♪ Being me ♪
105
00:05:38,543 --> 00:05:42,001
♪ Your Honor, it sucks hard ♪
106
00:05:42,084 --> 00:05:46,293
♪ Being me ♪
107
00:05:46,376 --> 00:05:49,084
[weeping] I've heard enough.
108
00:05:49,168 --> 00:05:52,793
In the case
of Ugfuglio Skumpy v. Hot Pockets,
109
00:05:52,876 --> 00:05:55,501
the court rules in favor of Miss Skumpy.
110
00:05:55,584 --> 00:05:56,501
[cameras clicking]
111
00:05:56,584 --> 00:06:01,751
[gasps] Holy molten cheese bites.
I'm gonna be a bazillionaire.
112
00:06:02,834 --> 00:06:03,709
Ah.
113
00:06:03,793 --> 00:06:05,876
-Uh, hey, guys.
-Hey there, sweetie.
114
00:06:05,959 --> 00:06:07,334
Namaste a while.
115
00:06:07,418 --> 00:06:09,959
Actually, downward-facing Dad,
116
00:06:10,043 --> 00:06:14,584
I was wondering if maybe you'd take me
to a daddy-daughter dance this weekend?
117
00:06:14,668 --> 00:06:16,001
Ooh, a dance?
118
00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:18,418
There's gonna be someone there
that I'd like you to meet.
119
00:06:18,501 --> 00:06:21,709
Oh, it sounds like a boy. A mother knows.
120
00:06:21,793 --> 00:06:23,584
His name is Elijah.
121
00:06:23,668 --> 00:06:26,251
Well, this Elijah better watch out
122
00:06:26,334 --> 00:06:29,418
'cause Big Papa Cyrus
can get pretty darn tough.
123
00:06:29,501 --> 00:06:32,543
Oh, I love it
when you call yourself Big Papa.
124
00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:36,376
Great. It's this weekend
at the Fountain of Life Church.
125
00:06:36,459 --> 00:06:38,418
-[Monica] Oh!
-What? A church?
126
00:06:38,501 --> 00:06:41,834
But you know how your mother and I
feel about organized religion.
127
00:06:41,918 --> 00:06:42,751
I do, but--
128
00:06:42,834 --> 00:06:46,501
Anthropologically, it has done
so much harm in the world.
129
00:06:46,584 --> 00:06:47,709
But this will be fun.
130
00:06:47,793 --> 00:06:49,918
We'll eat pizza and shake our booties.
131
00:06:50,001 --> 00:06:52,959
And I really want you to meet Elijah.
Please?
132
00:06:53,043 --> 00:06:54,793
Well, when you put it like that,
133
00:06:54,876 --> 00:06:58,501
I guess I can only say, "Vinyasireebob."
134
00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:01,751
[chuckles] Aw, Dad,
you're… you're my favorite comedian.
135
00:07:01,834 --> 00:07:04,376
Now that I'm rich,
I think I'll get a private plane
136
00:07:04,459 --> 00:07:08,376
so I don't have to ride around
in your stank-ass car anymore, Rodney.
137
00:07:08,459 --> 00:07:11,751
Have you, uh, thought about putting
some money aside for college?
138
00:07:11,834 --> 00:07:14,126
I already graduated
from the School of Hard Knocks.
139
00:07:14,209 --> 00:07:18,168
-And, honey, I was the salutatorian.
-[knocking on door]
140
00:07:18,751 --> 00:07:20,209
OMG, you guys.
141
00:07:20,293 --> 00:07:21,543
It's really her.
142
00:07:21,626 --> 00:07:23,043
Who in the world are you three?
143
00:07:23,126 --> 00:07:23,959
We are…
144
00:07:24,043 --> 00:07:27,959
♪ Bros 4 Life! ♪
145
00:07:28,043 --> 00:07:29,043
Uh, come again?
146
00:07:29,126 --> 00:07:32,709
You know, the famous post-9/11 boy band?
147
00:07:32,793 --> 00:07:34,751
-[pop music plays]
-♪ Bros 4 Life! ♪
148
00:07:34,834 --> 00:07:36,334
We saw you on TV, sweetie,
149
00:07:36,418 --> 00:07:38,376
serving up that hot, cheesy justice.
150
00:07:38,459 --> 00:07:41,626
And we just knew
you had to be Cookie Skumpy's daughter.
151
00:07:41,709 --> 00:07:43,418
We knew your mom back in the day.
152
00:07:43,501 --> 00:07:46,043
I mean, bad timing with that crow
flying in front of her face.
153
00:07:46,126 --> 00:07:49,834
Oh, I'd recognize
her signature Bumpit anywhere.
154
00:07:49,918 --> 00:07:51,043
That's my mom.
155
00:07:51,126 --> 00:07:54,251
Yep. And ready for an absolute slay?
156
00:07:54,334 --> 00:07:57,584
One of us is literally your dad.
157
00:07:57,668 --> 00:08:00,584
Wait, what? Like, how?
158
00:08:00,668 --> 00:08:05,001
♪ It was a summertime tour some years ago
At the tip top of our game ♪
159
00:08:05,084 --> 00:08:07,043
♪ We were hot young bros
Doin' sold-out shows ♪
160
00:08:07,126 --> 00:08:09,126
-♪ Had money, fans, and fame ♪
-♪ Whoa ♪
161
00:08:09,209 --> 00:08:13,126
♪ And each one of us remembers well
One stand-out devotee ♪
162
00:08:13,209 --> 00:08:14,418
♪ 'Cause she was hot and fun ♪
163
00:08:14,501 --> 00:08:17,584
♪ And the only one
Who ever got with us all three ♪
164
00:08:17,668 --> 00:08:21,793
♪ Her name was Cookie Skumpy
She was passionate and wild ♪
165
00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:26,209
♪ And exactly nine months later
She gave birth to a child ♪
166
00:08:26,293 --> 00:08:28,168
♪ So what we're trying to tell ya is ♪
167
00:08:28,251 --> 00:08:31,668
♪ Girl, we got with your mom ♪
168
00:08:31,751 --> 00:08:34,876
♪ When we were
Reckless, horny, and young ♪
169
00:08:34,959 --> 00:08:36,626
♪ Didn't use no condom ♪
170
00:08:36,709 --> 00:08:39,793
♪ Girl, your mom was the bomb ♪
171
00:08:39,876 --> 00:08:45,584
♪ And you're the baby-daddy baby
Of Bros 4 Life, yeah ♪
172
00:08:46,543 --> 00:08:48,293
♪ Ooh, girl ♪
173
00:08:49,126 --> 00:08:52,876
♪ I was waxing my chest in my hotel room
When a knock came at the door ♪
174
00:08:52,959 --> 00:08:55,376
♪ It was Cookie
In a counterfeit housekeeper suit ♪
175
00:08:55,459 --> 00:08:57,543
-♪ And she pinned me on the floor ♪
-♪ Oh ♪
176
00:08:57,626 --> 00:09:01,709
♪ She snuck on the tour bus in L.A.
Stowed away inside my bunk ♪
177
00:09:01,793 --> 00:09:06,209
♪ By the time we got to San Jose
She was grindin' on my junk ♪
178
00:09:06,293 --> 00:09:10,168
♪ Our manager was a bit concerned
I was coming off a little fey ♪
179
00:09:10,251 --> 00:09:12,251
♪ But your mom was there
For a quick affair ♪
180
00:09:12,334 --> 00:09:14,584
♪ To kill the rumors I was gay ♪
181
00:09:14,668 --> 00:09:18,043
♪ Girl, we got with your mom ♪
182
00:09:18,126 --> 00:09:21,293
♪ When we were famous, pretty, and dumb ♪
183
00:09:21,376 --> 00:09:23,043
♪ We used the pull-out method, baby ♪
184
00:09:23,126 --> 00:09:26,501
♪ Girl, your mom was the bomb ♪
185
00:09:26,584 --> 00:09:32,084
♪ And you're the baby-daddy baby
Of Bros 4 Life, yeah ♪
186
00:09:32,834 --> 00:09:34,709
♪ Bros 4 Life! ♪
187
00:09:34,793 --> 00:09:37,209
-[panting]
-Holy Joe Paternity.
188
00:09:37,293 --> 00:09:40,543
My whole life
I've wondered who my dad could be.
189
00:09:40,626 --> 00:09:43,959
But now I've got dads-a-plenty.
190
00:09:44,043 --> 00:09:45,376
I don't know, Lols.
191
00:09:45,459 --> 00:09:47,751
It's kinda fishy
that these strange individuals
192
00:09:47,834 --> 00:09:51,168
showed up right after the news said
you're gonna be rich. You know?
193
00:09:51,251 --> 00:09:53,626
We must've heard
totally different songs, Rodney,
194
00:09:53,709 --> 00:09:57,084
because I am 100% on board.
Bring it in, Dads.
195
00:09:57,168 --> 00:09:59,501
-You got it, Lola.
-This rocks.
196
00:09:59,584 --> 00:10:02,001
Ooh, you're
a really strong hugger, sweetie.
197
00:10:02,084 --> 00:10:03,084
Oh.
198
00:10:03,168 --> 00:10:04,084
[bell rings]
199
00:10:04,168 --> 00:10:06,459
[sighs] I'm so psyched
your dad's coming to the dance.
200
00:10:06,543 --> 00:10:10,626
I heard last year was nuts.
They had grape soda and orange.
201
00:10:10,709 --> 00:10:12,876
[chuckles] Wow.
I bet someone mixed them together
202
00:10:12,959 --> 00:10:14,751
in the same cup and was like… [gurgles]
203
00:10:14,834 --> 00:10:15,709
[laughing]
204
00:10:15,793 --> 00:10:18,209
[Lola] Oh, snap, a daddy-daughter dance?
205
00:10:18,293 --> 00:10:22,459
How apropos
of my recent life developments.
206
00:10:22,543 --> 00:10:25,418
Oh, hey, Missy. How many dads do you have?
207
00:10:25,501 --> 00:10:27,918
-Uh, one?
-[chuckles] Pathetic.
208
00:10:28,001 --> 00:10:31,876
I have three. Get ready
to be brutally upstaged by yours truly.
209
00:10:31,959 --> 00:10:34,001
Ooh, Jessi, you and your dad should come.
210
00:10:34,084 --> 00:10:35,793
"Fountain of Life Church"?
211
00:10:35,876 --> 00:10:38,001
Yeah, there's gonna be
a Christian caricature artist.
212
00:10:38,084 --> 00:10:40,876
He'll draw you up on the cross,
and holding a basketball if you want.
213
00:10:40,959 --> 00:10:44,584
Hold on.
Is this, like, one of those purity balls?
214
00:10:44,668 --> 00:10:46,293
What? No, it's just a dance.
215
00:10:46,376 --> 00:10:49,084
Actually, Missy, there is
a kind of abstinence component.
216
00:10:49,168 --> 00:10:50,084
-There it is.
-What?
217
00:10:50,168 --> 00:10:53,459
The dads take this vow, or whatever,
to protect their daughters' virtue.
218
00:10:53,543 --> 00:10:55,751
-[Missy] Oh.
-Okay, this dance is ridiculous, right?
219
00:10:55,834 --> 00:10:59,043
Yeah, and pointless.
You can't stop kids from fucking.
220
00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:00,751
Mama, what's "fucking"?
221
00:11:00,834 --> 00:11:04,709
Okay, Montel. When two creatures
love each other very much,
222
00:11:04,793 --> 00:11:08,001
or find themselves
in the same airport bathroom,
223
00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:11,501
they'll rub together
any gooey parts they got
224
00:11:11,584 --> 00:11:14,376
till everyone feels fantastic.
225
00:11:14,459 --> 00:11:16,251
Well, I feel up to speed.
226
00:11:16,334 --> 00:11:18,626
Great, now let's move on to fisting.
227
00:11:18,709 --> 00:11:19,668
Let's.
228
00:11:21,043 --> 00:11:25,251
So, you're really gonna dump
your old man into a death camp?
229
00:11:25,334 --> 00:11:27,959
Dad, I told Diane we're doing this,
so we're doing it.
230
00:11:28,043 --> 00:11:30,918
Oh, sugar,
I left my moving gloves in my closet.
231
00:11:31,001 --> 00:11:32,876
Nicky, would you be a dear and grab them?
232
00:11:32,959 --> 00:11:35,918
I know my way around your closet,
Dr. Birch. Allow me.
233
00:11:36,501 --> 00:11:40,126
Ho, ho, the cave of wonders.
Shall we snoop?
234
00:11:40,209 --> 00:11:41,084
-Ooh.
-[Maury] Yes.
235
00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:43,501
What is a "Peenie Prison"?
236
00:11:43,584 --> 00:11:45,209
I am scared and aroused,
237
00:11:45,293 --> 00:11:47,293
the chocolate and peanut butter
of feelings.
238
00:11:47,376 --> 00:11:51,418
"The Peenie Prison is a Bluetooth-enabled
male chastity device."
239
00:11:51,501 --> 00:11:53,376
-What?
-Oh, okay.
240
00:11:53,459 --> 00:11:55,709
So you stick
your fat little piggy in there
241
00:11:55,793 --> 00:11:58,168
and lock it away so you can't get hard.
242
00:11:58,251 --> 00:11:59,543
Why would anyone want that?
243
00:11:59,626 --> 00:12:01,876
Oh, Andrew, it can be very erotic
244
00:12:01,959 --> 00:12:05,251
to relinquish control of your schwang
to somebody else.
245
00:12:05,334 --> 00:12:08,001
My submissive dick
absolutely lives for that shit.
246
00:12:08,084 --> 00:12:12,001
You wanna put on a pair of high heels
and step on me, Daddy?
247
00:12:12,084 --> 00:12:13,709
-Yeah, bitch.
-Andrew, focus.
248
00:12:13,793 --> 00:12:15,751
I mean, clearly, I should try on
249
00:12:15,834 --> 00:12:18,459
my friend's dad's genital torture device,
right?
250
00:12:18,543 --> 00:12:19,668
Yeah, just for a second.
251
00:12:19,751 --> 00:12:20,626
Wiping it off…
252
00:12:20,709 --> 00:12:24,293
It says the size is "Virginia Slim,"
but you're more of a "Minnesota Meatball."
253
00:12:24,376 --> 00:12:27,543
I think if I just kind of fold it…
[grunts]
254
00:12:27,626 --> 00:12:28,918
I'm in. Oh!
255
00:12:29,001 --> 00:12:31,043
-This feels naughty, Maury.
-[device locks]
256
00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:32,834
Oh no, the Peenie Prison's engaged.
257
00:12:32,918 --> 00:12:35,751
You're locked in
with no possibility for parole.
258
00:12:35,834 --> 00:12:38,918
Oh, and why is this sudden panic
making me hard?
259
00:12:39,001 --> 00:12:40,751
-Andrew, sweetie, time to go.
-Oh God.
260
00:12:40,834 --> 00:12:44,251
-What do I do, Maury?
-I think you just gotta do your time, bud.
261
00:12:44,334 --> 00:12:47,751
And that's why we're called Bros 4 Life.
262
00:12:47,834 --> 00:12:51,459
Because we knew we'd always be friends,
but we're also vehemently anti-abortion.
263
00:12:51,543 --> 00:12:55,293
And thank American God
your mom didn't abort you.
264
00:12:55,376 --> 00:12:57,209
Oh, contented sigh.
265
00:12:57,293 --> 00:13:00,293
I love having all three of you as my dad.
266
00:13:00,376 --> 00:13:03,251
-Oh, for realsie-ba-deelsies?
-Of course.
267
00:13:03,334 --> 00:13:04,959
When you three showed up,
268
00:13:05,043 --> 00:13:08,084
it was, like,
the moment my life actually started.
269
00:13:08,168 --> 00:13:10,001
Oh, just like in our song.
270
00:13:10,084 --> 00:13:11,584
♪ Life starts ♪
271
00:13:11,668 --> 00:13:13,793
♪ When your dad finishes ♪
272
00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:16,043
♪ Fetuses should be allowed to drive ♪
273
00:13:16,126 --> 00:13:19,084
Oh my God,
I love that your music has a message.
274
00:13:20,001 --> 00:13:23,043
Ew, Rodney, what are you doing here?
275
00:13:23,126 --> 00:13:26,876
Well, Lols, I ran a background check
on Bros 4 Life and--
276
00:13:26,959 --> 00:13:27,918
You what?
277
00:13:28,001 --> 00:13:30,543
I think we should conduct
a proper DNA test.
278
00:13:30,626 --> 00:13:33,168
I don't know if any of these hunks
is your real dad.
279
00:13:33,251 --> 00:13:37,668
Not only is one of them my dad,
as far as I'm concerned, they all are.
280
00:13:37,751 --> 00:13:41,043
Your Majesty,
Sir Rodney only wants the best for you.
281
00:13:41,126 --> 00:13:43,876
Though his leather jacket is fake,
his heart is true.
282
00:13:43,959 --> 00:13:44,834
Enough!
283
00:13:44,918 --> 00:13:47,501
Rodney, it's that moment
in every single girl's life
284
00:13:47,584 --> 00:13:50,876
when she must look
her mother's parole officer in the eye
285
00:13:50,959 --> 00:13:54,584
and say, "I have three dads.
I do not need you anymore."
286
00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:55,626
But, Lola, I--
287
00:13:55,709 --> 00:13:57,959
Rodney, sashay away.
288
00:13:58,793 --> 00:13:59,626
[sighs]
289
00:14:00,126 --> 00:14:06,668
♪ My days are filled
With joyless interactions ♪
290
00:14:07,834 --> 00:14:14,043
♪ Just probate clerks
Ex-cons and parolees ♪
291
00:14:15,793 --> 00:14:19,709
♪ Do their check-ins, then they leave ♪
292
00:14:19,793 --> 00:14:23,376
♪ They never stick around
Just to shoot the breeze ♪
293
00:14:23,959 --> 00:14:26,084
♪ I got nobody ♪
294
00:14:26,168 --> 00:14:31,501
♪ Checking in on me ♪
295
00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:34,501
♪ But I'll be standing
In your hallway, Lola ♪
296
00:14:35,293 --> 00:14:39,626
♪ Until you open the door to your heart ♪
297
00:14:39,709 --> 00:14:42,334
♪ To me ♪
298
00:14:42,418 --> 00:14:45,251
Rodney, no lamenting in the hallway.
299
00:14:45,334 --> 00:14:46,251
[sighs]
300
00:14:46,334 --> 00:14:47,584
My bad, Lols.
301
00:14:48,668 --> 00:14:50,709
Aye, home sweet home.
302
00:14:50,793 --> 00:14:54,751
Sick. I was promised squalor
and squalor was delivered.
303
00:14:54,834 --> 00:14:59,459
[chuckles] Oh God, Andrew, I can hear
your dick's pulse from a mile away.
304
00:14:59,543 --> 00:15:03,584
Yeah, asshole, this torture device
is crushing my ample hog.
305
00:15:03,668 --> 00:15:06,126
And my nuts, Maury,
they've taken the top bunk.
306
00:15:06,209 --> 00:15:09,543
Well, maybe there's a toolbox
somewhere in this godforsaken shithole.
307
00:15:09,626 --> 00:15:10,459
Oh, good call.
308
00:15:10,543 --> 00:15:15,084
Uh, if you gentlemen will excuse me,
I've got a bathroom emergency.
309
00:15:15,168 --> 00:15:17,126
-Feces style.
-Again?
310
00:15:17,209 --> 00:15:20,126
Well, thanks for the ride home,
Princess Pussy-whipped.
311
00:15:20,209 --> 00:15:21,501
I'm sorry. What are you doing?
312
00:15:21,584 --> 00:15:24,543
Making myself comfortable,
'cause I'm not going anywhere.
313
00:15:24,626 --> 00:15:28,084
You can't live here anymore.
This place should be condemned.
314
00:15:28,168 --> 00:15:29,001
Now get up.
315
00:15:29,084 --> 00:15:31,084
There's a lot of improvised toilets
to sort through.
316
00:15:31,168 --> 00:15:34,459
You want me to get up,
you're gonna have to make me.
317
00:15:34,543 --> 00:15:35,751
Do it, Dad. Make him.
318
00:15:35,834 --> 00:15:39,584
Yeah, he's like a million years old.
You might actually be able to take him.
319
00:15:39,668 --> 00:15:43,876
No. In this family,
we use our hearts, not our fists.
320
00:15:43,959 --> 00:15:45,376
Fuck your prissy heart.
321
00:15:45,459 --> 00:15:48,084
'Cause I'm not rotting away
in some old folks home.
322
00:15:48,168 --> 00:15:52,584
Now go fetch the shitting boy
and get the fuck outta my house.
323
00:15:52,668 --> 00:15:54,168
[dance music plays]
324
00:15:54,251 --> 00:15:57,668
DJ Pendejo's in the house. God's house.
325
00:15:57,751 --> 00:15:58,793
Pew, pew, pew!
326
00:15:58,876 --> 00:16:00,584
I'm very scared of God.
327
00:16:00,668 --> 00:16:03,751
Nice to meet you, Mr. Foreman-Greenwald.
I've heard a lot about you.
328
00:16:03,834 --> 00:16:07,126
Well, then, pop quiz, hotshot.
What's my favorite color?
329
00:16:07,209 --> 00:16:08,043
Dad.
330
00:16:08,126 --> 00:16:10,543
Clementine. Not orange, but clementine.
331
00:16:10,626 --> 00:16:12,334
Very impressive, young man.
332
00:16:12,418 --> 00:16:13,834
Double doors.
333
00:16:13,918 --> 00:16:15,918
Arriving, scanning,
334
00:16:16,001 --> 00:16:17,126
judging…
335
00:16:17,209 --> 00:16:21,126
You're the hottest daughter here by far,
Lola, and I've really been looking.
336
00:16:21,209 --> 00:16:23,668
Also, everyone else's
dad-to-daughter ratio
337
00:16:23,751 --> 00:16:26,126
is like commonplace AF, hunty.
338
00:16:26,209 --> 00:16:28,918
No kidding. I almost feel bad for them.
339
00:16:29,001 --> 00:16:33,126
But if I'm being honest,
all I really feel is amazing
340
00:16:33,209 --> 00:16:34,376
for me.
341
00:16:35,209 --> 00:16:38,043
♪ I got dads, dads, dads ♪
342
00:16:38,126 --> 00:16:39,668
♪ Coming outta my ass ♪
343
00:16:39,751 --> 00:16:42,293
♪ She's got a shitload of papas ♪
344
00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:46,959
♪ That old dad-less loser Lola
Is a thing of the past ♪
345
00:16:47,043 --> 00:16:49,001
♪ Can't nobody stop us ♪
346
00:16:49,501 --> 00:16:52,543
♪ I'm every orphan's wildest dream ♪
347
00:16:53,251 --> 00:16:56,709
♪ Just a-shittin' out pops
Like a soda machine ♪
348
00:16:56,793 --> 00:17:01,626
♪ All you one-dad chumps
Can kiss their six sweet nads ♪
349
00:17:03,376 --> 00:17:04,793
♪ 'Cause I got dads ♪
350
00:17:04,876 --> 00:17:06,876
♪ Dads up the wazoo ♪
351
00:17:06,959 --> 00:17:08,126
♪ She got dads ♪
352
00:17:08,209 --> 00:17:09,876
♪ So many more dads than you ♪
353
00:17:09,959 --> 00:17:11,668
♪ So many dads ♪
354
00:17:11,751 --> 00:17:13,543
♪ My mom put out like a whore ♪
355
00:17:13,626 --> 00:17:15,126
♪ That girl got dads ♪
356
00:17:15,209 --> 00:17:17,668
♪ Gave me a family of four ♪
357
00:17:17,751 --> 00:17:18,751
♪ Me and my ♪
358
00:17:18,834 --> 00:17:20,376
[grunting rhythmically]
359
00:17:20,459 --> 00:17:21,334
♪ Dads ♪
360
00:17:21,876 --> 00:17:23,084
[Maury] Here, use these pliers.
361
00:17:23,168 --> 00:17:25,543
Get a good grip
on the Peenie Prison and twist.
362
00:17:25,626 --> 00:17:27,584
Ow! Fuck. It's really on there.
363
00:17:27,668 --> 00:17:30,543
Ooh, maybe loosen it up,
you know, like a pickle jar?
364
00:17:30,626 --> 00:17:32,834
Oh! I felt that one in my guts.
365
00:17:32,918 --> 00:17:34,918
Hey, shitting boy,
I'm supposed to fetch you.
366
00:17:35,001 --> 00:17:36,793
-Hey. No. Don't come in here.
-Whoa.
367
00:17:36,876 --> 00:17:38,626
-Nick.
-What the fuck are you doing?
368
00:17:38,709 --> 00:17:41,543
It's actually
a very charming and relatable story.
369
00:17:41,626 --> 00:17:46,334
Dad, you lock your dick up
in a little box that only Mom can open?
370
00:17:46,418 --> 00:17:47,793
Well, not a box exactly.
371
00:17:47,876 --> 00:17:50,293
It's a Bluetooth-enabled device
I wear sometimes
372
00:17:50,376 --> 00:17:53,293
when your mother and I
engage in sensual play.
373
00:17:53,376 --> 00:17:55,959
Oh, this is a new low.
374
00:17:56,043 --> 00:18:01,001
Maybe if your dick wasn't locked up,
you'd be able to satisfy your wife.
375
00:18:01,084 --> 00:18:03,918
Hey, you're the reason
I can't satisfy my wife.
376
00:18:04,001 --> 00:18:08,084
It's been six-and-a-half days
since I've feasted upon her essence.
377
00:18:08,168 --> 00:18:09,168
-Ooh.
-Ew, Dad!
378
00:18:09,251 --> 00:18:13,376
I've never even gone two days before.
Not when I had strep throat.
379
00:18:13,459 --> 00:18:15,918
Not when I was
on a business trip in Seattle.
380
00:18:16,001 --> 00:18:19,293
I flew home every 48 hours
to dine upon Diane.
381
00:18:19,376 --> 00:18:21,376
Shut up, shut up, shut up
about Mom's vagina!
382
00:18:21,459 --> 00:18:23,543
God, my caged cock is quaking.
383
00:18:23,626 --> 00:18:29,459
So, you let the woman
lock up your pathetic little prick, eh?
384
00:18:29,543 --> 00:18:32,543
No wonder she's such a ball-busting hag.
385
00:18:32,626 --> 00:18:33,876
What did you just say?
386
00:18:33,959 --> 00:18:37,501
I said your wife's a bitch.
387
00:18:37,584 --> 00:18:38,876
Diane is God.
388
00:18:39,376 --> 00:18:42,168
Holy shit. Dad, you punched Grandpa.
389
00:18:42,251 --> 00:18:43,668
I love you, Dad.
390
00:18:43,751 --> 00:18:45,584
Oh my God. What have I done?
391
00:18:45,668 --> 00:18:47,459
Father, are you okay?
392
00:18:48,334 --> 00:18:50,084
-Well, look at you.
-Here.
393
00:18:50,626 --> 00:18:55,543
William Wallace MacGregor,
welcome home, son.
394
00:18:55,626 --> 00:18:56,501
[chuckles]
395
00:18:56,584 --> 00:18:59,709
-[dance music plays]
-Go, Cyrus. Go, Cyrus. Go, Cyrus, go!
396
00:18:59,793 --> 00:19:03,126
Whoa, I did not see
that no-hands cartwheel coming.
397
00:19:03,209 --> 00:19:05,209
Yeah, that's new.
He's been working on that.
398
00:19:05,293 --> 00:19:06,418
This is the best night
399
00:19:06,501 --> 00:19:10,418
of my already storied
and very fascinating life.
400
00:19:10,501 --> 00:19:12,376
-Us too, sweetie.
-Yeah.
401
00:19:12,459 --> 00:19:15,709
Even if you weren't about to get
a truckload of money from your lawsuit,
402
00:19:15,793 --> 00:19:18,543
we'd still be super psyched
to be your dads.
403
00:19:18,626 --> 00:19:20,709
Well, Dads, that is marvelous news,
404
00:19:20,793 --> 00:19:23,793
because there is no truckload
of money coming.
405
00:19:23,876 --> 00:19:25,001
-What?
-What do you mean?
406
00:19:25,084 --> 00:19:27,876
Well, because I decided
to get my settlement…
407
00:19:27,959 --> 00:19:30,043
Pausing for dramatic effect.
408
00:19:30,126 --> 00:19:33,043
…in Hot Pockets instead. Yay.
409
00:19:33,126 --> 00:19:34,168
You idiot.
410
00:19:34,251 --> 00:19:36,043
How could you fuck us over like this?
411
00:19:36,126 --> 00:19:37,168
Bye, Felicia.
412
00:19:37,251 --> 00:19:40,209
Wait, what?
Dads, why are you saying these things?
413
00:19:40,293 --> 00:19:43,084
Because we're not your real dads, stupid.
We just wanted your money.
414
00:19:43,168 --> 00:19:46,209
Yeah, it was gonna pay
for Bros 4 Life's big comeback.
415
00:19:46,293 --> 00:19:49,168
We already bought
queen-size bunk beds for the loft.
416
00:19:49,251 --> 00:19:51,626
But I thought we were a family.
417
00:19:51,709 --> 00:19:55,043
What about that yarn
that you spun through song?
418
00:19:55,126 --> 00:19:59,168
Uh, it was bullshit.
I couldn't have gotten your mom pregnant.
419
00:19:59,251 --> 00:20:01,793
We only did it in the butt,
Christian-style.
420
00:20:01,876 --> 00:20:04,334
Yeah, and I was castrated in high school
so I could…
421
00:20:04,418 --> 00:20:07,501
♪ Hit those high notes, baby, yeah ♪
422
00:20:07,584 --> 00:20:10,376
And your mom
only gave me a hand job while I wept.
423
00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:11,584
#BornThisWay.
424
00:20:11,668 --> 00:20:14,459
Wait. Don't go. Please.
425
00:20:14,543 --> 00:20:18,084
♪ Girl, we didn't get with your mom ♪
426
00:20:18,168 --> 00:20:21,293
♪ And our love was just part of the con ♪
427
00:20:21,376 --> 00:20:24,293
Well, I hate that
that's gonna be stuck in my head now.
428
00:20:24,376 --> 00:20:28,959
All right, everybody,
God's boyfriend has an announcement now.
429
00:20:29,043 --> 00:20:30,751
What's up, party people?
430
00:20:30,834 --> 00:20:32,418
I know we're having a blast,
431
00:20:32,501 --> 00:20:34,751
but we're here tonight
for a very special reason.
432
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:36,876
-Whoop, whoop!
-Sacred vows.
433
00:20:36,959 --> 00:20:38,668
That's right, Richard and Richard.
434
00:20:38,751 --> 00:20:42,626
Time for all the dads in the house
to take the purity pledge.
435
00:20:42,709 --> 00:20:43,918
Do what now?
436
00:20:44,001 --> 00:20:46,793
Dad, please don't make
a big deal out of this.
437
00:20:46,876 --> 00:20:49,834
Dearest daughter, on this day,
in front of God,
438
00:20:49,918 --> 00:20:52,709
-I do solemnly swear…
-What? No, no, no, no.
439
00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:55,459
…to protect your virginity.
440
00:20:55,543 --> 00:20:58,751
No! Stop it! What are you all doing?
441
00:20:58,834 --> 00:21:01,751
They're just promising God
their daughters won't have S-E-X.
442
00:21:01,834 --> 00:21:03,834
But our daughters aren't helpless objects
443
00:21:03,918 --> 00:21:06,418
that we need to protect
from their own sexuality.
444
00:21:06,501 --> 00:21:07,334
Dad.
445
00:21:07,418 --> 00:21:09,001
They're capable
of making their own choices.
446
00:21:09,084 --> 00:21:10,043
Thank you. Now be quiet.
447
00:21:10,126 --> 00:21:13,876
This is exactly why
I didn't wanna take you to church.
448
00:21:13,959 --> 00:21:15,501
Shout-out to Hozier.
449
00:21:15,584 --> 00:21:19,043
Organized religion
is built around subjugating women.
450
00:21:19,126 --> 00:21:20,001
That's not true.
451
00:21:20,084 --> 00:21:22,501
Christianity's about good works
and community.
452
00:21:22,584 --> 00:21:23,918
Yeah, and loving one another.
453
00:21:24,001 --> 00:21:26,418
You shut your mouth, you little gentleman.
454
00:21:26,501 --> 00:21:29,334
Okay, Dad, you're embarrassing me
in front of my friends.
455
00:21:29,418 --> 00:21:33,959
Well, I don't like Kirk Cameron over here
dragging you into this church nonsense.
456
00:21:34,043 --> 00:21:37,084
Piety? Abstinence? He is a bad influence.
457
00:21:37,168 --> 00:21:39,334
Well, you're a closed-minded elitist.
458
00:21:39,418 --> 00:21:42,001
And I wish I'd never invited you
to this dance.
459
00:21:42,084 --> 00:21:43,084
-[cries]
-Missy, wait.
460
00:21:43,168 --> 00:21:47,043
Hey, Richard, congratulations
on marrying your daughter.
461
00:21:47,126 --> 00:21:51,126
Is she, uh, taking your last name
or can I have it?
462
00:21:51,209 --> 00:21:53,668
-[laughing]
-Oh man, what a day.
463
00:21:53,751 --> 00:21:55,959
You really scrambled my eggs, Willy boy.
464
00:21:56,043 --> 00:21:57,834
Dad, what's wrong with your hand?
465
00:21:57,918 --> 00:21:59,543
I punched my father in the face.
466
00:21:59,626 --> 00:22:01,459
-You did what?
-It was awesome.
467
00:22:01,543 --> 00:22:04,793
Dad fucking decked him, and then Grandpa
got up and cleaned the house.
468
00:22:04,876 --> 00:22:07,626
Look at that hole,
black as the ace of spades.
469
00:22:07,709 --> 00:22:08,626
Oh my God.
470
00:22:08,709 --> 00:22:09,959
And I've made a decision.
471
00:22:10,043 --> 00:22:12,418
My father's not moving
into assisted living.
472
00:22:12,501 --> 00:22:15,126
He's staying here with us, permanently.
473
00:22:15,209 --> 00:22:17,418
-Wait, hold on, what?
-I've abandoned him once.
474
00:22:17,501 --> 00:22:19,001
[Scottish accent] I won't do it again.
475
00:22:19,084 --> 00:22:22,501
Excuse me, Elliot, that's not
how we make decisions in this house.
476
00:22:22,584 --> 00:22:24,418
-I wasn't finished, Diane.
-Oh.
477
00:22:24,501 --> 00:22:27,251
Now you march
your beautiful body up those stairs,
478
00:22:27,334 --> 00:22:29,959
because goddamn it, it's time to eat.
479
00:22:30,043 --> 00:22:33,043
Well, okay. I mean, if you say so.
480
00:22:33,126 --> 00:22:34,543
Mom, are you serious?
481
00:22:34,626 --> 00:22:38,209
Leah, we'll deal with your father's
upsetting new personality later.
482
00:22:38,293 --> 00:22:41,376
-Um, Mrs. Birch?
-What, Andrew? What the fuck do you want?
483
00:22:41,459 --> 00:22:45,293
Yeah, I was wondering if you could unlock
your husband's Peenie Prison,
484
00:22:45,376 --> 00:22:47,501
which happens to be on my peenie.
485
00:22:47,584 --> 00:22:49,418
-Oh, Jesus Christ.
-[device unlocks]
486
00:22:49,501 --> 00:22:50,876
Oh! Ooh!
487
00:22:50,959 --> 00:22:52,918
Oh, my weenus can finally breathe.
488
00:22:53,001 --> 00:22:54,459
Get the fuck out of our house.
489
00:22:54,543 --> 00:22:55,459
Yeah, I know.
490
00:22:55,543 --> 00:22:57,418
Okay, I'll see you at school, Nick.
491
00:22:57,501 --> 00:22:59,668
Missy, uh, there you are.
492
00:22:59,751 --> 00:23:02,543
Let's just go home already, okay?
You've made your stupid point.
493
00:23:02,626 --> 00:23:05,793
Listen, I am sorry
I made a scene in there,
494
00:23:05,876 --> 00:23:09,501
but it feels like you just keep changing
in ways that aren't like you.
495
00:23:09,584 --> 00:23:12,251
No, I'm changing in ways
that aren't like you.
496
00:23:12,334 --> 00:23:14,751
You said girls should be allowed
to make their own choices,
497
00:23:14,834 --> 00:23:16,459
so why doesn't that include me?
498
00:23:16,543 --> 00:23:19,334
Well, I guess
if you wanna serve the community
499
00:23:19,418 --> 00:23:21,293
and spend your time with a polite boy
500
00:23:21,376 --> 00:23:23,709
who will never pressure you
into having sex,
501
00:23:23,793 --> 00:23:26,293
I'm just gonna have
to learn to live with that.
502
00:23:26,376 --> 00:23:27,251
Thanks, Dad.
503
00:23:27,959 --> 00:23:29,793
And if anything,
I'm gonna pressure him, so…
504
00:23:29,876 --> 00:23:31,168
I'm sorry, what was that?
505
00:23:32,209 --> 00:23:35,293
[sighs] At least I went for the lump sum.
506
00:23:35,376 --> 00:23:36,626
But sigh.
507
00:23:36,709 --> 00:23:42,043
The heat of this gargantuan Hot Pocket
is the only warmth I deserve.
508
00:23:42,126 --> 00:23:44,668
-[knocking on door]
-Whoever could that be?
509
00:23:44,751 --> 00:23:49,793
More swindlers to re-break
my already very much broken heart?
510
00:23:49,876 --> 00:23:51,959
Hey, Lols. I heard about what happened.
511
00:23:52,043 --> 00:23:56,001
Go ahead. Say, "I told you so."
Lord knows I would.
512
00:23:56,084 --> 00:23:59,793
Nah, nah, I came to say I'm sorry.
You deserve better.
513
00:23:59,876 --> 00:24:01,084
Whatever, Rodney.
514
00:24:01,168 --> 00:24:03,793
Your car deserves to smell better.
Beat it.
515
00:24:03,876 --> 00:24:04,709
As you wish.
516
00:24:04,793 --> 00:24:07,043
Your Highness, don't let him leave.
517
00:24:07,126 --> 00:24:09,043
Sir Rodney is a man of valor.
518
00:24:09,126 --> 00:24:11,584
Your most loyal subject.
519
00:24:11,668 --> 00:24:16,959
Absorbing, deciding,
completing emotional arc.
520
00:24:17,043 --> 00:24:18,209
Rodney, wait.
521
00:24:18,293 --> 00:24:20,626
I've been taking you for Hugh Granted.
522
00:24:20,709 --> 00:24:21,834
What are you saying, Lols?
523
00:24:21,918 --> 00:24:24,418
I'm saying, I'm just a girl,
524
00:24:24,501 --> 00:24:27,334
standing in front
of her mother's parole officer,
525
00:24:27,418 --> 00:24:31,043
asking him to be her chosen father figure.
526
00:24:31,126 --> 00:24:34,668
Oh, Lola, I feel like
I just got my car detailed.
527
00:24:34,751 --> 00:24:36,626
What do we do now, my chosen daughter?
528
00:24:36,709 --> 00:24:41,209
Obviously, we're gonna sing another song,
you bona fide bozo.
529
00:24:41,293 --> 00:24:43,626
Pay attention. Jesus, Rodney.
530
00:24:43,709 --> 00:24:48,918
♪ I got two gay pubes
To comfort me when I'm lonely ♪
531
00:24:49,834 --> 00:24:54,751
♪ And a kindly loser
Desperate to be my dad ♪
532
00:24:55,793 --> 00:24:57,876
♪ And I'm certain every dude I know ♪
533
00:24:57,959 --> 00:25:00,668
♪ Secretly wants to bone me ♪
534
00:25:02,084 --> 00:25:06,751
♪ Compared to mine
Your lives must be totally sad ♪
535
00:25:06,834 --> 00:25:08,501
♪ 'Cause I'm fucking Lola ♪
536
00:25:08,584 --> 00:25:10,834
♪ She's fucking Lola ♪
537
00:25:10,918 --> 00:25:13,001
♪ I'm a powerhouse dynamo ♪
538
00:25:13,084 --> 00:25:14,501
♪ So fucking Lola ♪
539
00:25:14,584 --> 00:25:16,751
♪ So fucking Lola ♪
540
00:25:16,834 --> 00:25:19,751
♪ I'm the breakout star of the show ♪
541
00:25:19,834 --> 00:25:22,626
-♪ She won't ask to be forgiven ♪
-Huh-uh.
542
00:25:22,709 --> 00:25:24,793
♪ We don't expect an apology ♪
543
00:25:24,876 --> 00:25:25,793
♪ No way ♪
544
00:25:25,876 --> 00:25:31,751
♪ I'm just crassly, brashly
Unabashedly me ♪
545
00:25:31,834 --> 00:25:33,918
[chorus] ♪ Who's her own biggest fan? ♪
546
00:25:34,001 --> 00:25:35,084
Lola.
547
00:25:35,168 --> 00:25:36,793
[chorus] ♪ Who's no one louder than? ♪
548
00:25:36,876 --> 00:25:37,793
Lola.
549
00:25:37,876 --> 00:25:39,876
[chorus]
♪ Who's the chick voiced by a man? ♪
550
00:25:39,959 --> 00:25:41,501
That's me.
551
00:25:41,584 --> 00:25:45,293
-♪ I'm fucking Lola ♪
-♪ She's fucking Lola ♪
552
00:25:45,376 --> 00:25:47,584
♪ I'm a champion, I'm a goddess ♪
553
00:25:47,668 --> 00:25:51,209
-♪ I'm fucking Lola ♪
-♪ So fucking Lola ♪
554
00:25:51,293 --> 00:25:54,584
♪ I'm the baddest, raddest, hottest ♪
555
00:25:54,668 --> 00:26:01,668
♪ Bow down before your queen ♪
556
00:26:02,251 --> 00:26:03,168
Oh.
557
00:26:03,251 --> 00:26:05,168
[pop music continues]