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Downloaded from
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[Katherine]
Relax.
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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[rock music playing]
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Relax.
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Whoa.
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Whoa. Relax.
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Relax.
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Shh.
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[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,
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boys and girls,
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she's a strong, confident, black woman.
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It's Katherine Ryan!
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[cheers and applause]
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Thank you. Thank you.
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Thank you. Yes, thank you.
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This is so amazing, the Eventim Apollo.
OMG.
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I've been living in the U.K.
for a very long time,
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and I used to be an unwelcome surprise
on a mixed bill,
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and now I can see
that at least a third of you
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have come to see me on purpose.
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[audience laughing]
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I was just a little girl
when I moved here,
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and look at me now.
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I'm full-blown Caitlyn Jenner,
and it feels good.
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It feels so great. I spent so long wanting
to look like one of the Kardashians,
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I don't even give a fuck it's the dad.
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I'll take it.
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I'll take it.
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She is a majestic hero.
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I see some of you are taking pictures.
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The venue will have told you
not to do that, but you can.
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I did not get dressed up
by fucking accident, okay?
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Take a lot. Facetune them.
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Try not to use the flash.
Try not to use the flash, sir.
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There we go. Let's just stop for you.
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Thank you.
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How old are you little girls?
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Twenty-four. And this one?
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Twenty-three!
You're 23 and 24.
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Oh, my gosh. I thought you were,
like, little baby teenagers.
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Well done. You giggle like teenagers.
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Why are you acting like that?
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Do you think I'm a footballer? I'm not.
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Gorgeous, gorgeous.
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A lot of young women
really respond to my style.
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Do we have any teenage girls in?
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[scattered cheers]
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Sir, you're not on the Internet.
We can see you.
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- You've brought a teenager with you?
- Yeah.
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Like--
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Like, for ransom, she's here.
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Are you her? Are you her?
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[man] I'm her father.
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Okay, thank fuck for that.
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He's her father.
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So, you brought your daughter out tonight.
And how old is your teenage daughter?
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- I'm 17.
- You're 17! Well done.
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Listen, she has her own voice.
She's, like, "I can speak for myself!
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I'm 17 years old!"
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Good for you.
So, like, a daddy-daughter night out.
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Well done. What do you, mean, like... no?
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[girl] Well, my mum doesn't quite get
what you do sometimes.
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Oh. She just very nicely told me
that her mom hates everything I do.
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And sure, that's fine.
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That's cool, thank you.
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Well, sweetheart,
if we all liked the same thing,
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we'd all be married to your father.
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That's cool. I think it's really great
that you brought your 17-year-old.
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- What's your name?
- Lara.
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Lara. I love her great, big voice.
Lara is here with her dad.
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I've been on tour for a while,
as I mentioned,
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and a couple came up to me,
and they were, like...
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[British accent] "Our teenage
daughter really likes you,
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and we're very glad
that we did not bring her."
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I was, like...
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"All right, why didn't you bring her?"
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They're, like, "Well, she's 14,
and after having seen what you do,
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we're very pleased we left her at home."
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And I'm, like, "Well, she's sucking dick
at home. But go on."
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[laughs]
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Isn't she? Lara's, like, "Yeah, yeah."
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And you left Mum at home.
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My daughter is here as well.
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And she doesn't listen to everything,
but I do use some naughty words,
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and on the surface,
that can sound, like, really bad.
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But I don't think
those kinds of words are bad.
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I have a lot of powerful messages.
Don't I, Lara?
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That's why she's here. Yeah.
I care about Lara.
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Lara's my hero. Lara's the future.
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And when I was your age, Lara,
if someone spoke to me in a comedy show--
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First of all, I wouldn't be
in a comedy show.
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Secondly, I'd be, like, "Meow."
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Like, I had no idea.
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Do we have any women in
who are over the age of 30?
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[cheering]
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How dare you?
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How dare you? "I know. We should've
killed ourselves five years ago."
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You're right.
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I'm 32 years old,
and I love getting older.
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I think we grow in value with every day,
not the other way around.
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Aging just means you didn't die.
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But if you have to, if you insist
upon growing beyond the age of 18,
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you can get away with it if you just
look and act like a baby. Okay?
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[high-pitching, whining voice]
So, like, just talk like a baby.
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Like, do this voice
even though you're 45.
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And shrink yourself.
That's what dieting is.
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We want you to be smaller
so that you take up less space.
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That's not your space.
What if a man wants to golf in it?
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Are any women in the Apollo tonight
with younger men?
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[cheering]
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All of us. Look at--
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Well done. Well done.
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You will see women
who are with younger men,
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but I promise that happened by accident,
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and it will not be a big age difference.
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It is a mistake to think we seek it out,
like it's a badge of honor.
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We're not out in the clubs, like,
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"Hmm. Who can I find to do everything for
and teach everything to?
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Ooh.
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I am not busy enough."
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No.
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We do not have time to make
an extra packed lunch every morning.
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I recently went home with a 25-year-old.
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[audience]
Whoo!
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I know. Ew. No, it was weird.
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I have not been with a 25-year-old
since I was-- well, 14.
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But...
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Accidentally, I fell in love with him,
but it was over very quickly.
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He said something insane.
He said to me, "Katherine,
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did you know Titanic
was based on a true story?"
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I was, like, "Get out." And that was it.
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That was it.
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But another thing I've learned
about myself, getting older,
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is that I shouldn't be in a relationship.
That's not for all of us.
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Do we have any single people in?
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[cheering]
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Well done. See? They're not sad.
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I go on dates now, and that's okay,
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but I've learned not to settle down
with anyone,
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because I have a tendency to settle down
with very, very terrible sex-piratey men.
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Like, really-- Like, the kind of dudes
blind dogs bark at, you know?
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You know?
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Don't do this, by the way,
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because you're hurting your parents
if you do.
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That's who suffers.
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My dad is a pretty good guy.
He's done nothing wrong.
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But he looks at my choices, like,
"What the fuck?
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Did I molest her and forget?
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Who's this bitch mad at?
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If you figure it out, let me know."
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And I believe that there are wonderful men
in the world.
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Give me a cheer if you're a wonderful man.
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[men cheering]
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Good, good. Well done, lads.
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I dated a Jewish man
at the beginning of the year.
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Accidentally, I fell in love with him.
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And then he split up with me--
I know, with me--
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simply because I'm not Jewish.
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What? I genuinely did not know
that religions still behaved that way.
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What? I'm a blond-haired, blue-eyed,
white, middle-class woman in 2016.
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I am entitled to everything.
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It is not okay for his people to treat me
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the way my people quite enjoy treating
everyone else.
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He said, "My parents
don't approve of you, Katherine."
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Oh! He said, "We have no future.
What if we were to have a baby?
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I imagine you would not consent
to having that baby circumcised."
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And I was, like, "Why are you imagining
the dicks of babies we don't have?"
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But you know what? He's right.
I probably wouldn't.
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And that's not very North American of me.
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He highlighted one of the many ways
that I've changed, living among you.
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Back home in North America,
Jewish or not,
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all the men are routinely circumcised.
I checked that myself.
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And here,
it's just not the done thing, is it?
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He said, "Well, Katherine,
you could have a chance with this
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if you abandoned your beliefs
and your culture,
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everything that you grew up with.
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If you just converted
and you were Jewish as well,
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then maybe we could be together."
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And I considered it, and I said, "Well,
would that mean giving up Christmas?"
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He's, like, "Yeah, Katherine,
obviously it would."
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And I was, like, "So, you think
you got a dick better than Christmas?!
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No, no, no, no.
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Mate, I've seen a lot of dicks in my day.
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I've seen a few Easter-level dicks, maybe.
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Maybe.
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I've seen a lot of Halloween dicks.
You don't want to go anywhere near those.
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I've not seen any Christmas dicks.
Not one."
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And now, through no fault of my own,
I've got to walk around having...
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[inhales deeply]
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like, a problem with Jews.
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I don't want that.
I'm a very progressive person.
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And of course not, I don't hate all Jews.
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But I hate one Jew,
and that's how it starts, isn't it?
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It's very disappointing.
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It's sad, because I think
I'm a very nice girl,
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but my comedy has been described
as kind of nasty.
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I'm like-- They say I'm Joan Rivers,
but older. And that hurts.
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Because parts of her are younger.
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And hey, that lady got exactly
what she wanted from her final surgery:
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To stop aging.
So, why are we sad?
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Why are we sad?
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Finally, she nailed it.
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Good to know.
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I know what you've read
about American comedian Bill Cosby.
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And it's something that we talk about
within the comedy community,
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something certainly that I talk about
as a woman.
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And I understand why he's confused.
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You see him going into the courtroom,
accused of sexual assault charges.
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And he's so confused, like:
"I don't understand it.
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All my friends were raping people."
He doesn't know.
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Because I know you're all very young,
you're very gorgeous,
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but Bill Cosby was just raping people
back when it was frowned upon.
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Do you remember?
Does anyone remember the good old days
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when it was, like,
"Try not to rape anyone.
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Definitely don't jump out of the bushes
and rape someone."
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If you have to rape someone,
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just be famous
and make it look like it was her fault.
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Hugh Hefner must be shitting himself.
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And not just because he's 95 years old.
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You cannot ask Bill Cosby
if he's a rapist.
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He hates that.
I'm trying to get to the bottom of this.
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But if you ask Bill Cosby
if he raped those women in an interview,
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he will storm out of the interview.
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This is something I've learned, though,
on tour. Watch this.
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Gentlemen, hello.
Thank you for sitting in front.
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Looking gorge.
Have you ever raped anyone?
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No. Smiling.
He's an angel. Of course not.
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Have you ever raped anyone, sir?
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No. Have you ever raped anyone?
Have you ever raped anyone?
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00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:30,560
Madam, have you ever-- No.
Have you ever raped anyone, madam?
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00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:33,600
Have you ever raped anyone?
Are the two of you together?
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That's nice.
Ever raped anyone as a couple?
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Because that happens. No?
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You ever raped anyone? Great, thank you.
Well done. Neither have I.
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You know who hates being asked
if they're a rapist, though?
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[gasps] Rapists. They don't like it.
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I'm sorry for what I had to ask you,
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00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:51,320
but what you just witnessed
was a CRB check.
240
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:53,960
They did not storm out.
241
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:57,760
It's just a clue. I'm not a policeman.
I've never pretended--
242
00:14:57,840 --> 00:15:00,480
All right, one time
I pretended to be a policeman.
243
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:04,760
But the Manitowoc County needed me
to leave a key and skedaddle.
244
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:07,160
I did that.
245
00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:09,680
I did that for them.
246
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:16,000
But on a serious note, a lot of the women
who were allegedly assaulted by Mr. Cosby
247
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:19,320
were strong, powerful,
beautiful black women like me.
248
00:15:19,400 --> 00:15:20,480
And--
249
00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:23,160
And when asked,
"Why didn't you say anything?"
250
00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:27,440
Ha! In addition to the many reasons
why victims don't come forward,
251
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:30,360
these women were, like,
"Hang on a minute. Look at the times."
252
00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:32,960
Because it didn't happen today.
Though it still happens today.
253
00:15:33,040 --> 00:15:34,240
Free Kesha.
254
00:15:34,320 --> 00:15:37,400
They were, like, "It happened--"
255
00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:38,720
[cheers and applause]
256
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:42,800
It happened a very long time ago,
257
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:46,920
when these were struggling,
young, black actresses in America,
258
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:50,840
and Mr. Cosby,
a black man in the '80s there,
259
00:15:50,920 --> 00:15:52,880
was dominating television.
260
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:56,200
They said, "I didn't really feel
like it was in my greater interest
261
00:15:56,280 --> 00:15:58,560
to bring that man down."
262
00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:02,040
And I have to tell you, on some level,
as a female comedian,
263
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:03,880
I kind of get that.
264
00:16:03,960 --> 00:16:08,640
Tina Fey could be raping me now,
and I would tell no one.
265
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:14,160
Amy Schumer could be wearing me
like a watch,
266
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:15,720
and I'd just be, like...
267
00:16:22,080 --> 00:16:23,200
Shit.
268
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:25,720
Thank you...
269
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:31,520
for everything that you do for women
in our industry.
270
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:41,240
Guys, I've been on tour for a year now
in the U.K.,
271
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:44,200
and this is the last stop.
And it's so amazing,
272
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:47,720
because I get to choose
some of my very favorite comedians
273
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,360
and ask them nicely
if they'll support me on tour.
274
00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:53,560
And that makes me a hero.
It really does.
275
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:56,640
Taylor Swift does that when she's on tour.
276
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:59,280
I'm like Taylor Swift, but with a soul.
277
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:04,440
I know.
Do we have any Taylor Swift fans in?
278
00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:05,520
[cheering]
279
00:17:05,599 --> 00:17:07,680
Yeah! Of course we are!
280
00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:10,160
Of course we love her. Shake it off.
281
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:15,520
Taylor Swift--
Taylor is all about the fans, isn't she?
282
00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:17,119
She's all about the sisterhood.
283
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:20,440
Except if you follow Taylor Swift
on Instagram, as I do,
284
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:24,839
you will notice that sisterhood
is limited to Victoria's Secret models.
285
00:17:26,119 --> 00:17:28,920
And Lena Dunham, for some reason.
286
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:33,800
She's an incredible woman,
but she sticks out.
287
00:17:33,880 --> 00:17:35,760
Victoria's Secret model,
Victoria's Secret model,
288
00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:37,680
Taylor Swift, Victoria's Secret model,
289
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:40,280
Lena Dunham, oh, no.
290
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,840
What's she there for?
291
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,800
It's because Taylor Swift
doesn't care about us.
292
00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:48,080
She doesn't actually want
to be our friend.
293
00:17:48,160 --> 00:17:51,360
That is an insurance policy
for her Girl Squad.
294
00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:54,040
If I was ever in a room with Taylor Swift
295
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:59,080
and I got a chance to be, like,
"Taylor! Can I be friends with you?"
296
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:02,720
She'd be, like, "Eww, no.
I'm already friends with one human woman.
297
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:05,200
Get her, Lena. Gross.
298
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:08,840
Gross!"
299
00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:10,480
Taylor Swift's the boss.
300
00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:14,520
She's the gatekeeper
of the most exquisite pussy in America.
301
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:21,120
But she's not perfect. Nobody's perfect.
302
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,720
I knew that Taylor Swift would mess up
if I watched her,
303
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:25,280
so I did watch her...
304
00:18:26,720 --> 00:18:28,240
like a psycho.
305
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:35,040
And then, a few months ago, Nicki Minaj,
a very curvaceous black rapper--
306
00:18:35,120 --> 00:18:37,400
"Anaconda." Are you a fan? I knew it.
307
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:43,280
Yes. She tweeted, "I think I would have
been nominated for more awards this year
308
00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:46,200
if the women in my videos were slim."
309
00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:49,040
Hmm. And, essentially, white.
310
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:53,560
And Taylor Swift, friend to all women,
tweeted,
311
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:56,240
"Hey, Nicki, I have always supported you.
312
00:18:56,320 --> 00:19:01,240
When I win, you can come onstage with me."
313
00:19:02,760 --> 00:19:07,520
I was, like,
"Hmm, your white privilege is showing."
314
00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:13,160
What has Nicki Minaj accomplished
in her own right?
315
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:17,120
Very deserving of her own awards.
What is she supposed to say? "Thank you"?
316
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:21,120
"Oh, th-th-thank you, Taylor Swift!
317
00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:27,200
That's ever so kind of you, ma'am.
318
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:33,960
No, no, I don't know. I don't know
if I got no business up here on stage.
319
00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:38,640
In front of all these white folk.
320
00:19:39,520 --> 00:19:40,520
No, I better hurry up.
321
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:43,760
I gotta finish the laundry
before your daddy get home."
322
00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:47,960
[cheers and applause]
323
00:19:53,840 --> 00:19:58,480
But maybe she just made a mistake.
She's just a little baby, born in 1989.
324
00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:02,120
Maybe I'd be saying stuff like that
if I, too, was from Louisiana.
325
00:20:03,520 --> 00:20:05,920
Do we have any Americans in, by the way?
326
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,000
[scattered cheers]
327
00:20:07,080 --> 00:20:08,520
That's what they sound like. You hear it?
328
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:15,680
"Texas! Welcome."
329
00:20:16,480 --> 00:20:19,680
America is a terrifying place.
America is a terrifying place.
330
00:20:19,760 --> 00:20:21,120
Especially when this goes out.
331
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,520
We either have a female president,
or we're in the middle of a world war.
332
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:30,480
I kind of think America should vote
for Donald Trump at this point.
333
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:32,880
I think that's the president
America deserves.
334
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:36,880
I'm not gonna lie.
335
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:38,680
[cheers and applause]
336
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,160
And I'm from Canada.
A lot of Americans--
337
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:44,240
[scattered cheers]
338
00:20:44,320 --> 00:20:47,560
Oh, do we have any Canadians in?
Or have you just heard of it?
339
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:49,600
Look, look, look, boys.
340
00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:53,080
Do you know that Americans are saying
they're gonna sneak into our country?
341
00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:55,920
I mean, they don't say "sneak."
Americans think they can just come in,
342
00:20:56,000 --> 00:20:59,120
like we have no immigration policy
whatsoever.
343
00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,760
Like we'd be glad to have them.
344
00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:09,840
It'd be very difficult at border control
to smuggle an American into a country.
345
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:14,040
You'd hear a very proud but muscled
"Florida State!" from under the truck.
346
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:16,000
Shh.
347
00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:20,960
Donald Trump has made refugees
of his own people
348
00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,400
by hating refugees.
349
00:21:25,920 --> 00:21:28,200
Some Canadians think
that we should copy Donald Trump
350
00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:30,120
and build our own wall.
351
00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:31,560
And I don't know about that,
352
00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:34,320
but Americans are not even
as physically fit as Mexicans.
353
00:21:34,400 --> 00:21:36,080
It wouldn't need to be a high wall.
354
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:38,680
There you go.
355
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:45,680
A sea bump should do it.
356
00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:50,920
They're, like, "Oh, never mind."
357
00:21:56,640 --> 00:21:58,760
But welcome, to the Americans.
358
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:03,120
They're the ones that got out.
359
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:07,560
Welcome to the show.
360
00:22:09,360 --> 00:22:12,400
It's so nice to see you here. Welcome.
361
00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:15,280
My name is TV's Katherine Ryan,
362
00:22:16,040 --> 00:22:18,560
and it's so amazing to be here.
363
00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:21,560
I've been away from home
a really long time,
364
00:22:21,640 --> 00:22:26,240
but I have to go back
because my baby sister is getting married.
365
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:28,480
Ooh! And it's about time.
366
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:32,480
Tick-tock. She's 25 years old.
367
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:36,360
She's an old spinster in my hometown,
368
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:40,080
perhaps the oldest single woman left.
369
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:44,080
I'm from Canada, which sounds lovely,
370
00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:46,640
but I'm from a terrible part of Canada.
371
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:49,640
Let me ask you this:
Has anyone traveled to Canada?
372
00:22:49,720 --> 00:22:50,720
[cheering]
373
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,160
Well done. You all went together.
Where did you go, sir?
374
00:22:53,240 --> 00:22:56,000
- Toronto.
- Toronto. And what did you do there?
375
00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:58,640
- Went out.
- Went out? All right.
376
00:23:00,240 --> 00:23:03,400
No need to be hostile.
Were you there for business or pleasure?
377
00:23:04,280 --> 00:23:06,680
You were there on holiday.
Did you go in the winter?
378
00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:07,960
- Summer.
- Summer.
379
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:10,080
Gorgeous. You must've done
so many things in the city.
380
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:14,160
Go to the top of the Tower and look down
like a fucking giant.
381
00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:17,520
You're pretty big anyway.
Do you work out?
382
00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:19,880
- No.
- No. Good. Are you very tall?
383
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:22,480
- Six-four.
- Six-foot-four. I knew it.
384
00:23:22,560 --> 00:23:24,080
There's some big men around here.
385
00:23:24,160 --> 00:23:26,560
You must do some training,
like, for a zombie apocalypse.
386
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:27,840
That's what it looks like.
387
00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:31,280
You're just big naturally?
Your mother fucked a steroid.
388
00:23:31,360 --> 00:23:32,480
That's all it took.
389
00:23:33,520 --> 00:23:34,600
That's good.
390
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:37,400
I wish I was tall like that.
391
00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:40,400
Do you come Gatorade
without working out?
392
00:23:40,480 --> 00:23:41,480
No.
393
00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:44,520
I'm just curious.
394
00:23:46,000 --> 00:23:48,440
This is why I'm alone, by the way.
This is it.
395
00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:51,400
I don't mean to do it.
396
00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:54,320
- What's your name?
- Adrian.
397
00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:59,080
Adrian. Do you know I went home with a guy
in Edinburgh a couple of weeks ago.
398
00:23:59,160 --> 00:24:01,360
♪ About a week ago ♪
399
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:04,520
Has anyone been to Edinburgh?
400
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:07,080
Yeah. Really nice, tall men there.
401
00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:10,960
I went home with him,
and then he didn't call me for three days.
402
00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:13,240
I'm not asking you to find him
and kill him.
403
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:17,560
But on the third day, I rang him,
didn't I?
404
00:24:17,640 --> 00:24:19,880
Like, "What the fuck is up?"
Just really chill.
405
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:25,200
And I think what had happened
406
00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:28,560
is I'd given him
a too-aggressive blowjob, Adrian.
407
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:33,360
Well, it's not my fault,
because the guy before
408
00:24:33,440 --> 00:24:36,600
was just really, like,
one of these sex pirates, and he had...
409
00:24:36,680 --> 00:24:37,680
[thumping]
410
00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,480
like, a dead dick.
You could slam it in a door
411
00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:40,640
and he felt nothing.
412
00:24:44,800 --> 00:24:47,520
And we learn to be more aggressive
with those.
413
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:53,600
And so, I was, like,
"Why haven't you called me?"
414
00:24:53,680 --> 00:24:57,520
And he was, like, "Oh, I'm really sorry.
I was in Loch Ness with my friends,
415
00:24:57,600 --> 00:25:00,520
searching for the Loch Ness Monster--"
416
00:25:00,600 --> 00:25:02,640
an excuse that I accepted.
417
00:25:05,160 --> 00:25:07,120
And I could've just had
a normal interaction.
418
00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:08,960
I could've retained some dignity
and put the phone down,
419
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:12,920
but instead I heard myself, like,
from the heavens, saying,
420
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:14,800
"Oh, the Loch Ness Monster.
421
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:17,920
So, you'll chase a myth,
but not a legend?"
422
00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:19,000
I said that.
423
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:22,400
Who says that?
424
00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:25,560
There's no way.
425
00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:32,080
Anyway, I'm working right now,
so I have to go over there.
426
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:34,040
But I'm glad that we could share
this secret.
427
00:25:35,440 --> 00:25:37,240
Has anyone else traveled to Canada?
428
00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:39,320
- Where'd you go?
- Vancouver.
429
00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:42,680
Vancouver. That's the really pretty bit.
Has anyone else been there?
430
00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:45,200
That's the bit that we put on the posters.
431
00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:47,600
Did you see whales?
432
00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:50,720
- You didn't see any whales?
- We went up Grouse Mountain.
433
00:25:50,800 --> 00:25:53,000
- But you went up Grass Mountain?
- Grouse Mountain.
434
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:55,880
Grouse Mountain?
Oh, they smoke a lot of drugs there.
435
00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:57,600
I thought they had, like,
a grass mountain,
436
00:25:57,680 --> 00:26:01,480
and they're, like,
"Come and climb our grass mountain."
437
00:26:01,560 --> 00:26:04,960
Mountains.
See, I'm from nowhere like that.
438
00:26:05,040 --> 00:26:08,280
I'm from a part of Canada
that's almost America.
439
00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:11,520
It's right on the bottom.
Has anyone traveled to Sarnia?
440
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:13,200
[scattered cheers]
441
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,080
You have traveled to Sarnia?
Or are you just cheering
442
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:17,680
because it sounds like Narnia,
but with more sandwiches?
443
00:26:19,240 --> 00:26:20,320
Right?
444
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:24,840
Sarnia is a terrible, horrible place.
445
00:26:24,920 --> 00:26:26,960
A lot of people are proud
of their hometown.
446
00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:29,320
Sarnia is a terrible, horrible,
awful place.
447
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:32,080
I just want to double down on that
and make it very clear.
448
00:26:32,160 --> 00:26:37,080
We have the biggest petrochemical plant
in all of North America.
449
00:26:37,160 --> 00:26:41,640
I know. And it pours poison into the air
and into the sea,
450
00:26:41,720 --> 00:26:44,200
but officially, it's very safe.
451
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:48,880
It is. The owner of the plant, Mr. Burns,
tells us all the time.
452
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:53,720
[British accent]
Health and safety there is excellent.
453
00:26:54,480 --> 00:27:00,000
We are the teen cancer, teen suicide
and teen pregnancy capital of Canada.
454
00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:01,880
Thank you. I know.
455
00:27:01,960 --> 00:27:04,360
We nearly lost teen suicide.
We're near to St. Catharines.
456
00:27:04,440 --> 00:27:06,720
But then they had a really nice summer,
and we won.
457
00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:15,000
And I'm a prick,
because I left my baby sister there.
458
00:27:15,080 --> 00:27:17,240
I mean, my parents had other children.
459
00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:20,560
By "other children," I mean Joanne,
but nobody likes Joanne.
460
00:27:22,760 --> 00:27:25,200
Everybody has a Joanne in their family.
461
00:27:25,280 --> 00:27:27,600
Joanne went away as well,
but she went to the west coast.
462
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:31,120
Not Vancouver, but she went up
into the mountains of Kelowna.
463
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:35,000
Has anyone been there?
Oh. Oh, it's beautiful, isn't it?
464
00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:36,200
Joanne belongs there,
465
00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:39,240
because she's the most Canadian person
I've ever met, eh?
466
00:27:40,360 --> 00:27:42,840
Oh, yeah.
Joanne walks like this all the time.
467
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:45,240
Doesn't have a horse. Just walks this way.
468
00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:51,680
Joanne lives up in the mountains
with her Canadian rock musician husband.
469
00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:54,480
A Canadian rock musician
is like a Christian rock musician
470
00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:56,680
without a reason for sucking, by the way.
471
00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:02,120
Joanne loves the planet.
She loves the whole planet.
472
00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:05,680
So, she makes all her own clothes
on a loom, eh?
473
00:28:05,760 --> 00:28:07,760
Oh, yeah, yeah.
474
00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:12,520
Joanne has no TV, man. She has no phone.
So, I'm not really in contact with Joanne.
475
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:14,600
But if you happen to see her,
do tell her from me
476
00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:16,200
she is not a fucking bear.
477
00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:20,440
I have no idea where Joanne came from.
478
00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:22,000
The most logical explanation I have
479
00:28:22,080 --> 00:28:23,960
is that Mum cheated on Dad
with a granola bar.
480
00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:25,120
We don't know.
481
00:28:28,240 --> 00:28:29,960
Something we have all tried.
482
00:28:33,400 --> 00:28:35,600
But the baby, Kerrie--
483
00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:37,720
Kerrie and I were thick as thieves.
484
00:28:37,800 --> 00:28:41,280
I mean, we were thieves.
And she's very thick,
485
00:28:41,360 --> 00:28:43,160
but I say that in the nicest way.
486
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:47,040
Everybody always liked Kerrie
growing up in Sarnia.
487
00:28:47,120 --> 00:28:48,400
Everyone hated me.
488
00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:50,920
Kerrie was far more beautiful,
far less weird,
489
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:53,160
but we got on,
even though we were different.
490
00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:54,720
And this is one of the ways
that we're different.
491
00:28:54,800 --> 00:28:57,040
So, in year two growing up in Sarnia,
492
00:28:57,120 --> 00:29:00,920
you had to write your academic goals
for the year, and mine was:
493
00:29:01,000 --> 00:29:05,240
"To be the first female Prime Minister
to win an Academy Award."
494
00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:07,400
I have no idea why they beat me up
every day.
495
00:29:08,720 --> 00:29:12,320
And Kerrie's was: "Not to get hit
in the head with a football."
496
00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:13,440
So...
497
00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:17,160
neither one of us achieved
our academic goals that year,
498
00:29:17,240 --> 00:29:18,880
but we both aimed high.
499
00:29:18,960 --> 00:29:23,360
And I think what kept us friends
is we had a lot of games that we played,
500
00:29:23,440 --> 00:29:25,520
before things like iPads.
501
00:29:25,600 --> 00:29:28,120
And do you have the game Relax
in the U.K.?
502
00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:29,720
Do you play Relax?
503
00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:33,640
Okay, so, what it is is I would see Kerrie
at any point around the house,
504
00:29:33,720 --> 00:29:37,920
and if I wanted to play,
I would say, "Hey, Kerrie, relax."
505
00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:40,960
And she'd be, like, "I'm already relaxed."
506
00:29:41,040 --> 00:29:45,720
And I'd be, like, "Whoa. Whoa. Relax."
507
00:29:45,800 --> 00:29:47,640
She'd be, like, "Kat, what are you doing?"
508
00:29:47,720 --> 00:29:51,160
I'm, like, "Relax, relax.
You've got to relax."
509
00:29:51,240 --> 00:29:53,280
She'd be, like,
"I could not be more relaxed."
510
00:29:53,360 --> 00:29:55,800
I'd be, like, "Shh.
511
00:29:55,880 --> 00:29:59,800
Relax."
512
00:29:59,880 --> 00:30:03,400
She'd be, like, "Katherine!
I am already relaxed!"
513
00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:07,080
At which point my dad--
who's very big and mean and Irish
514
00:30:07,160 --> 00:30:08,480
and didn't let us shout in the house--
515
00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:11,560
he'd come stomping up the stairs, like,
"Who's shouting in the house?"
516
00:30:11,640 --> 00:30:12,640
And she'd be, like...
517
00:30:12,720 --> 00:30:17,920
"Well, Katherine... told me... to relax."
518
00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:20,480
And he'd be, like, "Well, look at you.
You should relax."
519
00:30:20,560 --> 00:30:23,960
And she'd be punished.
It's a great game.
520
00:30:25,760 --> 00:30:28,440
Oh, you do know it. Yeah.
521
00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:32,680
Hours and days and, like, years of fun
playing Relax.
522
00:30:34,360 --> 00:30:37,120
And now, for no reason whatsoever,
523
00:30:37,200 --> 00:30:40,320
Kerrie has aligned herself
with my enemies.
524
00:30:40,400 --> 00:30:43,920
I went home for the hen do.
I'm the maid of honor. Of course I am.
525
00:30:44,000 --> 00:30:45,680
But the other bridesmaids
are the same girls
526
00:30:45,760 --> 00:30:48,080
who tried to ruin my life
when we were in school.
527
00:30:48,160 --> 00:30:51,080
Now, it's very difficult to ruin the life
of a child
528
00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:54,120
who's got the confidence
of an 89-year-old man.
529
00:30:56,080 --> 00:30:58,080
But it doesn't stop them trying.
530
00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:01,000
So, this was in the days
before, like, cyber-bullying.
531
00:31:01,080 --> 00:31:04,400
These kids made a newspaper,
which they copied and distributed,
532
00:31:04,480 --> 00:31:06,160
and inside, it slagged off my friends.
533
00:31:06,240 --> 00:31:10,920
But on the cover was a picture of me
next to a picture of a camel,
534
00:31:11,000 --> 00:31:14,320
and it said, "Thank God for makeup."
535
00:31:16,240 --> 00:31:18,200
Yeah, insinuating that I look
like a camel,
536
00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:20,080
when I feel I've always looked
like a horse.
537
00:31:20,160 --> 00:31:22,080
I don't know why they had to bring
the Middle East into it.
538
00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:23,320
They've been through enough.
539
00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:28,120
Except when I wear a topknot, girls,
and then I am a unicorn. Hey.
540
00:31:29,240 --> 00:31:30,320
It didn't bother me.
541
00:31:30,400 --> 00:31:32,480
If anything, I thought they could've made
the headline stronger.
542
00:31:32,560 --> 00:31:35,160
If you want to go with camel,
then be, like, "Camel, head to toe."
543
00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:39,200
Like, something-- Like--
Kids would've loved that.
544
00:31:40,920 --> 00:31:43,600
So, my friends were wounded
because they were in this newspaper.
545
00:31:43,680 --> 00:31:47,600
They ran home crying.
I went about my 89-year-old day.
546
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:51,280
And the headmaster dragged me
into his office.
547
00:31:51,360 --> 00:31:54,040
The entire suicide prevention squad
were there.
548
00:31:55,040 --> 00:32:00,600
And he was, like, "Katherine,
we are most worried about you, eh?
549
00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:05,760
Because you are the only one
who appears to be not upset."
550
00:32:05,840 --> 00:32:08,360
They thought I was, like,
planning a school shooting.
551
00:32:08,440 --> 00:32:09,440
That's fine.
552
00:32:11,480 --> 00:32:13,720
And I had to tell him, "Sir, no.
553
00:32:13,800 --> 00:32:17,000
It's just that I ran out of fucks to give
in the spring of '85.
554
00:32:17,080 --> 00:32:18,680
Like, I just don't care."
555
00:32:19,720 --> 00:32:23,880
Yes. My fuck budget is low.
556
00:32:25,120 --> 00:32:27,440
And I wish this for all of you.
557
00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:29,960
Of course there are things
you should care about:
558
00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:32,000
Your morals and yourself and your family.
559
00:32:32,080 --> 00:32:36,320
But the rest is just nothing,
and I'm so blessed to have this outlook,
560
00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:38,360
because I get to do British panel shows.
561
00:32:38,440 --> 00:32:41,680
God bless the British panel shows.
They are the reason I eat.
562
00:32:41,760 --> 00:32:42,800
But--
563
00:32:44,080 --> 00:32:47,680
Sorry about all those.
But I did one a year ago,
564
00:32:47,760 --> 00:32:53,360
and the game was: Name unlikely things
to hear from a cosmetics company.
565
00:32:53,440 --> 00:32:58,080
And I don't know why, but I said,
"We don't test our products on animals.
566
00:32:58,160 --> 00:33:00,640
We use Filipino children instead."
567
00:33:03,360 --> 00:33:08,600
Now, of course you know I was not
aiming this at Filipino children,
568
00:33:08,680 --> 00:33:10,560
or at any children.
569
00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:13,720
I was just trying to make a point
about child labor.
570
00:33:13,800 --> 00:33:16,080
Because, see,
I have a Canada Goose jacket.
571
00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:19,160
Has anyone else got
a really warm winter jacket?
572
00:33:19,240 --> 00:33:21,240
You need it. You need to get involved.
573
00:33:21,320 --> 00:33:23,800
But in London,
people will come up to me in the street
574
00:33:23,880 --> 00:33:26,320
and tell me that I'm a prick
for wearing it.
575
00:33:26,400 --> 00:33:29,720
They'll be, like, "Did you know the hood
is made from dead coyotes?"
576
00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:33,040
And I'm, like, "What am I gonna do
with a live coyote?"
577
00:33:33,840 --> 00:33:34,840
Because--
578
00:33:37,360 --> 00:33:38,920
"Mama gotta stay warm."
579
00:33:40,520 --> 00:33:42,480
And I know the world that we live in,
580
00:33:42,560 --> 00:33:44,640
and I know that I'm a prick
for wearing fur,
581
00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:48,840
but right now it's not illegal.
It's just frowned upon.
582
00:33:50,960 --> 00:33:53,920
Make hay while the sun shines.
583
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:58,800
Yes, one day, I will be walking
into a courtroom, confused,
584
00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:02,480
like, "But all of my friends
had Canada Goose jackets.
585
00:34:04,120 --> 00:34:05,360
What?
586
00:34:06,320 --> 00:34:10,360
It's not like I jumped out of the bushes
and attacked those geese myself.
587
00:34:11,600 --> 00:34:15,600
They were just in the shop,
asking to be bought.
588
00:34:16,360 --> 00:34:19,760
Don't you think they would want to be worn
by someone on television?"
589
00:34:21,639 --> 00:34:24,280
Don't come after me
for wearing a fur jacket
590
00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:27,800
if yours cost £6
and you have 30 in your closet,
591
00:34:27,880 --> 00:34:30,760
because I promise a child made those.
592
00:34:30,840 --> 00:34:32,320
We're all pricks.
593
00:34:33,560 --> 00:34:35,440
But I what I learned from this experience
594
00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:40,040
is that the Filipino culture is one
that shares music and art
595
00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:43,440
and tiny clips of Mock the Week
without context.
596
00:34:47,040 --> 00:34:49,880
And if one person has seen something
in the Philippines,
597
00:34:49,960 --> 00:34:53,480
somehow every person in the Philippines
has seen it.
598
00:34:53,560 --> 00:34:55,760
I was the dentist
who killed Cecil the lion
599
00:34:55,840 --> 00:34:57,720
for two weeks in the Philippines.
600
00:34:57,800 --> 00:35:02,240
I was on CNN, and I got death threats.
Like, not one or two.
601
00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:04,640
Hundreds of death threats every day
602
00:35:04,720 --> 00:35:07,800
directed at me, my family, my child,
603
00:35:07,880 --> 00:35:11,120
from people who were hurt
because they were confused.
604
00:35:11,200 --> 00:35:13,200
And I know they were confused
because they were, like,
605
00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:15,840
"You shut down
your cosmetic company now!"
606
00:35:15,920 --> 00:35:18,320
And I was, like, "Never!
It's a family business!"
607
00:35:24,600 --> 00:35:26,240
I could've maybe reined it in.
608
00:35:28,080 --> 00:35:32,080
But during that time, Apollo,
you won't believe it.
609
00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:38,400
Joan Rivers herself spoke to me
from down in heaven.
610
00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:41,800
I know.
611
00:35:41,880 --> 00:35:44,920
And she was, like,
"Katherine, it is not your fault
612
00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:48,360
the Filipino people are as bad
at understanding satire
613
00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:50,440
as they are at running from tsunamis."
614
00:35:50,520 --> 00:35:53,360
And I was, like, "Holy shit!
615
00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:56,440
Oh, my God!"
616
00:36:00,040 --> 00:36:03,040
What a terrible bitch she was, right?
617
00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:09,840
It's an example of the type
of horrible joke that I would never tell.
618
00:36:15,240 --> 00:36:17,240
I don't ever mean to hurt anybody.
619
00:36:17,320 --> 00:36:20,120
We tell our children,
"Those bullies, they grow out of it."
620
00:36:20,200 --> 00:36:22,440
No, some of them grow much stronger.
621
00:36:23,520 --> 00:36:24,880
I went home for the hen do,
622
00:36:24,960 --> 00:36:27,760
and those same girls
I knew from school were there,
623
00:36:27,840 --> 00:36:31,760
and they were, like, "So, Katherine,
we haven't seen you in a long time.
624
00:36:31,840 --> 00:36:33,480
Where's your husband?"
625
00:36:33,560 --> 00:36:35,880
And I was, like,
"Oh, I don't have a husband."
626
00:36:35,960 --> 00:36:38,160
They were, like,
"Oh, why? Did he die?"
627
00:36:38,240 --> 00:36:39,240
I was, like...
628
00:36:40,560 --> 00:36:42,080
"No, I've just never been married."
629
00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:43,160
They were, like...
630
00:36:43,240 --> 00:36:46,560
[gasps] "Where do you live?!"
631
00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:48,960
I was, like, "I live in the U.K."
632
00:36:49,040 --> 00:36:52,160
They were, like, "Cool. Where's that?"
I was, like, "Don't worry about it.
633
00:36:54,720 --> 00:36:55,960
I have a lovely daughter,
634
00:36:56,040 --> 00:36:58,640
and I get to travel around
doing stand-up comedy."
635
00:36:58,720 --> 00:37:01,680
They were, like,
"What?! That's so weird!
636
00:37:01,760 --> 00:37:04,640
Don't do that.
Like, that job is for a man,
637
00:37:04,720 --> 00:37:07,480
and nobody is ever gonna love you
if you do it,
638
00:37:07,560 --> 00:37:09,480
because it shows how weird you are.
639
00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:11,920
Like, if you want someone
to ever, ever love you,
640
00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:16,160
then you need to move home
and be normal like us."
641
00:37:16,240 --> 00:37:18,840
And I was, like,
"Yeah, but you bitches aren't normal.
642
00:37:18,920 --> 00:37:22,760
You're ordinary. It's different."
643
00:37:22,840 --> 00:37:25,480
[loud cheers and applause]
644
00:37:27,160 --> 00:37:28,520
Thank you.
645
00:37:30,120 --> 00:37:31,440
Thanks, guys.
646
00:37:32,320 --> 00:37:35,600
But I get letters, not just death threats.
Not bragging.
647
00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:42,560
I get letters exclusively from women
who are worried that I'm single.
648
00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:45,320
I got one a while ago from a lady
who must've been, like, 200 years old.
649
00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:47,920
She'd written it on stationary,
beautiful calligraphy.
650
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:50,040
It's a dead art, kids. Get involved.
651
00:37:51,040 --> 00:37:54,840
And she wrote,
"Dear Katherine, we saw your show,
652
00:37:54,920 --> 00:38:00,800
and we were very worried to hear
that you're single."
653
00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:04,800
I was, like, "What? You say my show?
Like, my whole--
654
00:38:04,880 --> 00:38:08,320
The bit about Cosby and the Jews
and the whole Filipino thing.
655
00:38:08,400 --> 00:38:10,120
That was all fine with you.
656
00:38:13,840 --> 00:38:19,360
What made you want to write a letter
is that I don't have a boyfriend?"
657
00:38:19,440 --> 00:38:23,640
She went on to say,
"My brother Ray is also single."
658
00:38:23,720 --> 00:38:26,040
Oh, well, that's why some of us
are not in relationships.
659
00:38:26,120 --> 00:38:30,760
It's not because we choose it.
It's 'cause we haven't met Ray.
660
00:38:32,240 --> 00:38:33,960
She went on to offer me a date with Ray.
661
00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:38,120
"We'd be willing accompany Ray
on the Megabus to London."
662
00:38:39,480 --> 00:38:41,200
So, Ray needs a chaperone.
663
00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:44,240
And I don't know everything,
but I'm pretty sure
664
00:38:44,320 --> 00:38:47,280
the only time somebody takes a bus
to meet someone they've seen on TV
665
00:38:47,360 --> 00:38:48,920
is to fucking kill them.
666
00:38:51,480 --> 00:38:55,280
So, I did not attend. But what winds me up
is that men don't get these letters.
667
00:38:55,360 --> 00:38:58,920
I work with a ton of men.
Look at Leonardo DiCaprio.
668
00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:01,400
Famously single for years.
669
00:39:01,480 --> 00:39:05,400
Up until a few months ago,
he and I had the same number of Oscars,
670
00:39:05,480 --> 00:39:06,920
and nobody is writing him.
671
00:39:09,120 --> 00:39:11,960
Nobody's ever, like, "Dear Leonardo,
672
00:39:12,040 --> 00:39:16,920
we recently saw you muff-diving
all those supermodels...
673
00:39:19,360 --> 00:39:22,160
on Taylor Swift's yacht.
674
00:39:23,240 --> 00:39:25,240
And we were so worried.
675
00:39:25,320 --> 00:39:27,080
My brother Ray is also single."
676
00:39:27,160 --> 00:39:28,160
Like, no.
677
00:39:29,560 --> 00:39:32,080
Nobody wants to fuck Ray.
678
00:39:37,800 --> 00:39:41,240
I dated an English actor this year. Ooh!
679
00:39:41,320 --> 00:39:43,960
Accidentally, I fell in love with him.
680
00:39:45,960 --> 00:39:49,400
And Englishmen, you are such gents.
681
00:39:49,480 --> 00:39:50,960
That's part of what I love
about living here.
682
00:39:51,040 --> 00:39:53,200
You're such gentlemen.
He took me to lunch,
683
00:39:53,280 --> 00:39:56,920
and in the middle of the meal,
out of absolutely nowhere,
684
00:39:57,000 --> 00:40:02,480
he said, "Katherine,
you have a beautiful asshole."
685
00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:08,240
The hole.
686
00:40:10,680 --> 00:40:13,320
Like, not even, like, "your body."
687
00:40:13,400 --> 00:40:15,480
They're looking at the hole.
688
00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:19,680
I didn't even know that he had seen it.
689
00:40:22,080 --> 00:40:23,960
I knew, of course,
that he was in the general vicinity.
690
00:40:24,040 --> 00:40:27,320
At no point was I aware
that he got such a well-lit...
691
00:40:28,520 --> 00:40:30,680
and detailed gaze...
692
00:40:31,480 --> 00:40:34,040
upon my asshole. The hole.
693
00:40:36,360 --> 00:40:38,880
Then, instead of looking away,
as you or I would, girls,
694
00:40:38,960 --> 00:40:40,920
he focused in.
695
00:40:43,040 --> 00:40:45,200
He admired it for long enough
696
00:40:45,280 --> 00:40:49,160
that he was able to make a mental note
to compliment me on it afterwards.
697
00:40:51,520 --> 00:40:53,840
Guys, I am a lady.
698
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:56,440
So, I said, "Thank you,"
699
00:40:57,680 --> 00:41:00,120
hoping he had finished his poem.
700
00:41:02,840 --> 00:41:04,560
But there was more.
701
00:41:06,160 --> 00:41:07,920
He went on to say, "No, Katherine, really.
702
00:41:08,000 --> 00:41:12,800
Katherine, you have
one of the top four assholes..."
703
00:41:15,320 --> 00:41:16,560
Strange number.
704
00:41:17,880 --> 00:41:20,080
[mouths]
"...that I have ever seen."
705
00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:23,120
I am trying to understand how minds work.
706
00:41:23,200 --> 00:41:25,320
If you want to rank things, fellas,
then you do it,
707
00:41:25,400 --> 00:41:29,960
but don't announce it, like,
"Oh, you are any one of the top four--"
708
00:41:30,040 --> 00:41:34,280
That's not mysterious at all.
I know I'm not number one, don't I?
709
00:41:34,360 --> 00:41:36,320
I knew I wasn't even number two,
710
00:41:36,400 --> 00:41:38,400
or he would've been, like,
"You have one of the best two--"
711
00:41:38,480 --> 00:41:43,000
No, top four means that my asshole--
the hole--
712
00:41:46,000 --> 00:41:47,760
I might slip in the ranking.
713
00:41:49,040 --> 00:41:54,680
Top-four-- I mean, asshole
got an honorable mention from this prick.
714
00:41:56,200 --> 00:41:59,120
And I don't know how to get on the podium.
That's not constructive criticism at all.
715
00:41:59,200 --> 00:42:00,400
I can't even see it.
716
00:42:03,480 --> 00:42:05,680
It just messes with you.
I've got to walk around in my life
717
00:42:05,760 --> 00:42:08,200
not knowing which three bitches
I've got to kill.
718
00:42:13,360 --> 00:42:17,080
This actor, he wanted to go
out of the house all the time.
719
00:42:17,160 --> 00:42:19,320
"Let's dress sexy
and get out of the house."
720
00:42:19,400 --> 00:42:22,360
I was, like, "I can be sexy,
if you like nights in and some opinions."
721
00:42:22,440 --> 00:42:23,440
He did not.
722
00:42:24,480 --> 00:42:28,360
He was, like, "I think it's time for us
to be photographed together at an event."
723
00:42:28,440 --> 00:42:31,000
I was, like, "Why?
So I can be in one of those magazines?
724
00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:33,840
I found out I was dead on Facebook.
725
00:42:33,920 --> 00:42:36,840
There's room in my dog's grave for me.
726
00:42:36,920 --> 00:42:39,160
Then just, like, a picture of me
and the TOWIE kids."
727
00:42:39,240 --> 00:42:41,760
I didn't want to go.
I said, "I'm not going anywhere tonight.
728
00:42:41,840 --> 00:42:43,840
I got a new cordless vacuum.
You know that."
729
00:42:47,600 --> 00:42:49,520
I said, "If you want to be photographed
at an event,
730
00:42:49,600 --> 00:42:53,040
why don't you take one of those models
that you usually date?"
731
00:42:53,120 --> 00:42:55,080
He was, like,
"Well, Katherine, that's the thing.
732
00:42:55,160 --> 00:42:58,320
I think it'd be very good for my image
to be photographed with a woman
733
00:42:58,400 --> 00:43:01,640
who is not... traditionally pretty."
734
00:43:01,720 --> 00:43:03,280
[crowd] Ohh!
735
00:43:03,360 --> 00:43:05,600
I'm his Lena Dunham.
736
00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:11,200
What he failed to realize
is that I love and adore Lena Dunham,
737
00:43:11,280 --> 00:43:12,760
and at Lara's age, yes,
I would've gone on the date.
738
00:43:12,840 --> 00:43:15,360
- Would you go on the date, Lara?
- Yes.
739
00:43:15,440 --> 00:43:18,920
Yes?! You would go out
with someone who's, like,
740
00:43:19,000 --> 00:43:22,200
"I want to take you
because you're not so pretty"?
741
00:43:22,280 --> 00:43:24,880
You would have gone
and, like, fucked up the date.
742
00:43:26,400 --> 00:43:28,920
I would've definitely gone.
That's called "negging," by the way,
743
00:43:29,000 --> 00:43:32,080
when someone undermines your confidence
just so they say one nice thing to you,
744
00:43:32,160 --> 00:43:33,520
and you're, like, "Oh, all right.
745
00:43:33,600 --> 00:43:35,560
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah."
746
00:43:38,320 --> 00:43:39,760
Don't fall for that.
747
00:43:43,760 --> 00:43:47,000
Lara, now I'm twice your age
and I'm someone's mother,
748
00:43:47,080 --> 00:43:52,400
and you don't mess with someone's mother,
because we know whose fault you are.
749
00:43:53,960 --> 00:43:56,160
Yeah, I called his mother. Yes, I did.
750
00:43:58,800 --> 00:44:02,240
I was, like, "Hello, Linda. Yes, it's nice
to speak to you again as well.
751
00:44:02,320 --> 00:44:05,400
Just want you to know I'm finished
with your son, but you're not,
752
00:44:05,480 --> 00:44:10,600
because you've managed to raise one of
the top one assholes that I have ever met.
753
00:44:10,680 --> 00:44:11,720
Click."
754
00:44:13,160 --> 00:44:15,720
Done. Gotta do it.
755
00:44:16,720 --> 00:44:18,320
We're not afraid of each other.
756
00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:20,720
She's just another bitch
on the school run to me.
757
00:44:22,600 --> 00:44:25,280
And you don't have to be a parent,
certainly not.
758
00:44:25,360 --> 00:44:26,800
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
759
00:44:26,880 --> 00:44:29,640
We don't suffer from
an under-population problem in this world.
760
00:44:29,720 --> 00:44:31,480
But if you choose to have children,
761
00:44:31,560 --> 00:44:35,840
just raise someone that other people
don't mind being around.
762
00:44:35,920 --> 00:44:37,920
That's all you have to do.
My daughter is six.
763
00:44:38,000 --> 00:44:39,920
Right now, I've just got to keep
her hair out of her face,
764
00:44:40,000 --> 00:44:42,040
her hands out of her pants,
and I've nailed the day.
765
00:44:43,440 --> 00:44:45,000
I don't beat myself up.
766
00:44:45,920 --> 00:44:49,920
And I take Violet a lot of places.
Recently I took her to a charity event,
767
00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:52,240
because I wanted her to see me helping--
768
00:44:52,320 --> 00:44:56,480
No. I took her
because Prince Harry would be there,
769
00:44:56,560 --> 00:44:58,720
and I thought I had a better shot
at meeting him with a six-year-old.
770
00:44:58,800 --> 00:44:59,800
That's the truth.
771
00:45:01,080 --> 00:45:03,120
I'll never lie to you.
That's the truth, and it worked.
772
00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:04,200
This--
773
00:45:05,120 --> 00:45:08,520
This was a wonderful charity,
a youth homeless charity.
774
00:45:08,600 --> 00:45:10,160
They do amazing things throughout the U.K.
775
00:45:10,240 --> 00:45:13,160
But it was a sponsors event.
You know what that means?
776
00:45:13,240 --> 00:45:16,600
It was full of really posh people.
It was a polo match.
777
00:45:16,680 --> 00:45:18,800
The guest list looked
like the Panama Papers.
778
00:45:18,880 --> 00:45:20,640
It was just, like, very--
779
00:45:22,120 --> 00:45:24,600
And in this country,
I've noticed that posh people think
780
00:45:24,680 --> 00:45:28,800
that only other posh people
are on their level and care about them.
781
00:45:28,880 --> 00:45:32,680
See, we don't even have class in Canada.
We genuinely don't, right?
782
00:45:32,760 --> 00:45:34,640
We'll eat chips and gravy off the floor.
We're, like...
783
00:45:36,840 --> 00:45:40,160
But we don't have a class system,
not like here.
784
00:45:40,240 --> 00:45:41,400
I tell you that, and it blows your mind.
785
00:45:41,480 --> 00:45:43,640
You're, like,
"How do you know who to be friends with?"
786
00:45:43,720 --> 00:45:44,880
We work it out.
787
00:45:48,240 --> 00:45:53,680
But they had a speaker,
a young man who had been homeless himself.
788
00:45:53,760 --> 00:45:57,520
And posh people, like any of us,
can become homeless at any time.
789
00:45:57,600 --> 00:45:59,400
That's fine.
Especially with the current government.
790
00:45:59,480 --> 00:46:03,760
But he gave no legitimate reason
in the speech.
791
00:46:03,840 --> 00:46:07,120
He just looked amazing, three-piece suit,
walked up to the microphone. He's, like...
792
00:46:07,200 --> 00:46:09,400
[British accent]
"Hello. So, about a year ago,
793
00:46:09,480 --> 00:46:13,160
my parents were totally
micromanaging my life.
794
00:46:13,240 --> 00:46:17,320
So, I left, and I stayed in summer homes
and on friends' couches."
795
00:46:17,400 --> 00:46:20,640
I was, like, "Mate, unless the couch was
outside a Tesco Metro and smelled of piss,
796
00:46:20,720 --> 00:46:22,280
that is not homeless.
797
00:46:23,240 --> 00:46:24,520
That's visiting."
798
00:46:24,600 --> 00:46:27,520
He's, like, "Do you have any idea
how difficult it is
799
00:46:27,600 --> 00:46:31,440
to be on a juice cleanse
when you're homeless?
800
00:46:33,000 --> 00:46:35,480
They withheld my trust fund."
801
00:46:35,560 --> 00:46:37,240
Like, I looked around the room,
802
00:46:37,320 --> 00:46:40,880
just trying to find the eyes
of anyone else who hated him.
803
00:46:40,960 --> 00:46:45,040
Nothing. They're all, like,
"Oh, sounds bad."
804
00:46:46,880 --> 00:46:50,560
Finally, there's silence in the room,
just for a second as he took a drink,
805
00:46:50,640 --> 00:46:55,680
and my six-year-old loudly-- as they do--
goes, "Ugh! White people!"
806
00:46:55,760 --> 00:46:57,600
I was, like, "Yes!
807
00:46:58,560 --> 00:46:59,560
Yes."
808
00:47:01,560 --> 00:47:02,640
I know.
809
00:47:03,560 --> 00:47:05,520
Because that's what I teach in my home.
810
00:47:07,280 --> 00:47:10,800
And he wasn't even white.
811
00:47:12,600 --> 00:47:17,400
So proud to have a child who could look
beyond someone's skin color,
812
00:47:18,240 --> 00:47:21,200
see the white inside of him...
813
00:47:22,760 --> 00:47:24,560
and hate it.
814
00:47:26,560 --> 00:47:28,000
We have too many pets, though.
815
00:47:28,080 --> 00:47:30,080
That's something that will happen
if you're a single mum.
816
00:47:30,160 --> 00:47:32,200
We have two dogs, two cats
and eight rabbits.
817
00:47:32,280 --> 00:47:34,200
In London, that's too many pets.
818
00:47:34,280 --> 00:47:36,400
I only got the dogs--
I figured they'd kill everyone else,
819
00:47:36,480 --> 00:47:38,000
but they're all friends.
It's a nightmare.
820
00:47:39,720 --> 00:47:42,520
It's like a Disney film,
but with shitting. That's my life.
821
00:47:44,360 --> 00:47:47,760
This is my life. I came home from tour.
All I wanted was my bed,
822
00:47:47,840 --> 00:47:51,640
and one of the dogs had shat
on my pillow...
823
00:47:52,520 --> 00:47:54,480
which is never an accident.
824
00:47:55,960 --> 00:47:58,400
And it nearly broke me.
I was, like, whimpering. Like...
825
00:47:58,480 --> 00:48:00,480
[whimpering]
826
00:48:00,560 --> 00:48:03,840
And Violet came into the room.
She saw what happened and said,
827
00:48:03,920 --> 00:48:07,160
[British accent]
"Oh, don't worry, Mummy.
828
00:48:07,240 --> 00:48:10,760
That's just their way of saying
they hate you."
829
00:48:13,280 --> 00:48:15,000
Yeah, I got that, thanks.
830
00:48:16,720 --> 00:48:18,440
She's English. That's your fault.
831
00:48:20,040 --> 00:48:22,240
She started talking like that.
I thought she was just mocking you,
832
00:48:22,320 --> 00:48:23,400
and I laughed.
833
00:48:24,800 --> 00:48:26,440
But it is permanent.
834
00:48:28,040 --> 00:48:31,880
You have to introduce the news
that you have a child
835
00:48:31,960 --> 00:48:34,480
at a very precarious time
when you're dating.
836
00:48:34,560 --> 00:48:37,040
Not too soon, certainly not too late.
837
00:48:37,120 --> 00:48:39,040
You've got to do it about the same time
you would announce
838
00:48:39,120 --> 00:48:41,120
that you have a prosthetic leg.
839
00:48:43,360 --> 00:48:44,560
You know what I mean?
840
00:48:45,400 --> 00:48:47,920
I think there are two kinds of people:
People who are, like, "No!"
841
00:48:48,000 --> 00:48:52,360
And people who are, like,
"I will be that hero to help you."
842
00:48:52,440 --> 00:48:55,920
I was, like, "I didn't just get the leg.
843
00:48:56,000 --> 00:48:58,520
I've had it for six years.
844
00:48:58,600 --> 00:49:00,720
I can look after it without your help.
845
00:49:00,800 --> 00:49:04,840
All it means is that it takes me longer
to get places."
846
00:49:11,400 --> 00:49:14,600
One of the rabbits died,
and I was very, very glad about that.
847
00:49:18,800 --> 00:49:20,400
Mama needs a new pair of gloves.
848
00:49:25,200 --> 00:49:28,000
It's wrong, I know.
And I had to be the man of the house.
849
00:49:28,080 --> 00:49:32,040
I hate to use that term, but I feel
like it's appropriate in this context.
850
00:49:32,120 --> 00:49:35,000
My mother was very often
the man of the house.
851
00:49:35,080 --> 00:49:37,040
My dad was around,
but my mother was the man--
852
00:49:37,120 --> 00:49:39,560
I just love to say that.
853
00:49:39,640 --> 00:49:42,960
And I'm still mothering her.
My mum's 60 years old.
854
00:49:43,040 --> 00:49:47,080
And she was your age, Lara, at a time
when it was very difficult to be 17.
855
00:49:47,160 --> 00:49:50,240
Everywhere she went, just:
"Whoo, baby! Whoo!"
856
00:49:50,320 --> 00:49:54,120
Slap on the ass. That was fine.
Cosby's running around.
857
00:49:58,920 --> 00:50:01,160
And what happens to a woman from that era?
858
00:50:01,240 --> 00:50:03,720
When she turns about 60,
she becomes invisible.
859
00:50:03,800 --> 00:50:07,360
That's certainly not what you are,
but I know that that's how it feels.
860
00:50:07,440 --> 00:50:10,760
And don't get me wrong. I can't wait.
I'm gonna rob a bank. I have many plans.
861
00:50:13,360 --> 00:50:16,000
But I know that's how it feels for Mum.
862
00:50:16,080 --> 00:50:19,680
Because people will still compliment you
when you're a woman "of a certain age,"
863
00:50:19,760 --> 00:50:21,120
but they do it in a weird way.
864
00:50:21,200 --> 00:50:23,720
They'll be, like,
"Oh, you have these grown children.
865
00:50:23,800 --> 00:50:26,200
You're a grandmother.
Well, you look fantastic...
866
00:50:26,280 --> 00:50:28,880
for your age."
867
00:50:28,960 --> 00:50:32,760
And Mum's, like, "For my-- my--
But I wasn't supposed to age.
868
00:50:32,840 --> 00:50:35,520
I had them when I was 13."
869
00:50:35,600 --> 00:50:37,680
I'm, like, "Don't say that, you daft cow."
870
00:50:39,440 --> 00:50:41,920
Because the men don't lie,
so now I've got to defend my father.
871
00:50:42,000 --> 00:50:44,560
I'm, like, "My dad's not a pedo."
My sister's, like, "Anymore."
872
00:50:44,640 --> 00:50:46,680
She thinks it's funny, but it's not funny.
873
00:50:48,080 --> 00:50:49,880
It's not funny at all.
874
00:50:51,640 --> 00:50:53,760
[sighs] So, one of the rabbits died.
875
00:50:53,840 --> 00:50:57,040
I heard a little fracas in the next room.
Like, a little...
876
00:50:57,120 --> 00:50:58,320
[frantic squeaking]
877
00:50:58,400 --> 00:51:00,640
I think they were just playing too hard.
878
00:51:00,720 --> 00:51:04,040
I went in, and the dog and the rabbit
had indeed been playing.
879
00:51:04,960 --> 00:51:07,480
And the rabbit was laying there.
There was no blood,
880
00:51:07,560 --> 00:51:10,640
so I'm, like, "Is it dead? Is it sleeping?
Damn you, Cosby!"
881
00:51:10,720 --> 00:51:11,800
I scooped it up.
882
00:51:12,680 --> 00:51:15,120
Cosby's the dog's name.
He's a hilarious Chocolate Lab.
883
00:51:15,200 --> 00:51:17,840
We got him before the accusations
came out.
884
00:51:17,920 --> 00:51:19,480
How were we to know?
885
00:51:20,920 --> 00:51:25,040
Don't name any pets after a man
on television over the age of 60.
886
00:51:25,120 --> 00:51:26,120
It's not safe.
887
00:51:31,600 --> 00:51:34,720
So, I present the rabbit to Violet,
because she's my master.
888
00:51:34,800 --> 00:51:37,640
I was, like, "I don't know
what we should do about this."
889
00:51:37,720 --> 00:51:41,520
She's, like, "Oh, Anthony! Anthony!"
890
00:51:41,600 --> 00:51:45,000
I named my child after a color,
she gives bunnies human names.
891
00:51:47,440 --> 00:51:49,400
"I know what we must do, Mummy.
892
00:51:49,480 --> 00:51:51,720
We must take Anthony
to the veterinarian's."
893
00:51:52,480 --> 00:51:55,960
Because I've never said no to this kid,
two minutes later we're on a bus
894
00:51:56,040 --> 00:51:59,720
with what I'm surer and surer
is a dead rabbit.
895
00:52:01,000 --> 00:52:03,280
Like, it's just in her arms,
just in her arms.
896
00:52:03,360 --> 00:52:05,520
It hasn't moved at all. Its eyes are open.
897
00:52:08,840 --> 00:52:13,400
She's so cute, and the rabbit's so cute.
Of course people want to come and meet it.
898
00:52:13,480 --> 00:52:15,080
They're, like, "What's his name?"
899
00:52:16,560 --> 00:52:18,920
"What was his name?" Like, it's dead.
900
00:52:21,440 --> 00:52:23,840
So, I thought, "All right, Katherine,
pull yourself together.
901
00:52:23,920 --> 00:52:26,400
She's distracted.
You've got to be the man of the house.
902
00:52:26,480 --> 00:52:29,600
Let's minimize the trauma. Ring the vet,
let them know we're on the way.
903
00:52:29,680 --> 00:52:31,280
They know what to expect."
904
00:52:31,360 --> 00:52:34,880
I said, "Hi. We'll be arriving any moment
with a six-year-old
905
00:52:34,960 --> 00:52:39,240
and her rabbit that has been attacked
by a dog,"
906
00:52:39,320 --> 00:52:42,840
hoping the lady could fill in the blanks,
but she's caught up in admin.
907
00:52:42,920 --> 00:52:45,960
She's, like, "I'm going to need to know
the rabbit's surname."
908
00:52:47,880 --> 00:52:49,680
I'm, like, "No, you don't."
909
00:52:49,760 --> 00:52:52,640
"I'm going to need to know
the rabbit's birthday."
910
00:52:52,720 --> 00:52:55,080
I'm, like,
"I can tell you what day it died.
911
00:52:57,400 --> 00:52:59,480
If you could just improvise
the rest of the tombstone,
912
00:52:59,560 --> 00:53:00,920
we'll be there to pick it up."
913
00:53:03,080 --> 00:53:07,880
So, we get to the veterinarian's office.
The thing is stiff by now.
914
00:53:09,080 --> 00:53:12,520
But Violet's got so much hope and faith,
915
00:53:12,600 --> 00:53:14,600
and she leaps off the bus,
straight in the door
916
00:53:14,680 --> 00:53:16,000
and presents it to the vet.
917
00:53:16,080 --> 00:53:19,080
"Anthony! This is my Anthony.
918
00:53:19,160 --> 00:53:22,000
Is he going to be all right?"
919
00:53:23,960 --> 00:53:25,960
And the vet--
I could just see it in her eyes.
920
00:53:26,040 --> 00:53:30,480
She looks at me. She's, like,
"You bullshit excuse for a mum.
921
00:53:35,760 --> 00:53:39,760
I've got to deal with dog AIDS
and cat cancer
922
00:53:39,840 --> 00:53:42,160
and cutting off balls all day.
923
00:53:43,400 --> 00:53:49,400
You couldn't tell your own flesh and blood
that this is a dead pet."
924
00:53:50,680 --> 00:53:53,040
And with my eyes, you know,
like, woman-to-woman,
925
00:53:53,120 --> 00:53:56,400
I was, like, "That is exactly right.
926
00:54:00,280 --> 00:54:01,880
You do it."
927
00:54:04,480 --> 00:54:06,480
- [applause]
- Mm-hmm.
928
00:54:06,560 --> 00:54:07,880
Thank you.
929
00:54:09,400 --> 00:54:12,760
And for £85, they will.
930
00:54:14,200 --> 00:54:17,880
Whoo! That is the fine
for being a pussy in London.
931
00:54:18,800 --> 00:54:21,600
Totally worth it.
I was the man of the house that day.
932
00:54:22,640 --> 00:54:27,160
Well, guys, it's nearly time to go.
You've been so incredible.
933
00:54:27,240 --> 00:54:30,280
Yeah. But before I go,
934
00:54:30,360 --> 00:54:33,280
I need to go to Canada
at the end of this tour
935
00:54:33,360 --> 00:54:35,560
to speak at my little sister's wedding,
936
00:54:35,640 --> 00:54:40,240
because women are allowed to talk
at weddings in Canada.
937
00:54:40,320 --> 00:54:42,880
It's bananas. They don't do that here.
938
00:54:44,280 --> 00:54:46,720
And what my family forgot
when they asked me to speak
939
00:54:46,800 --> 00:54:50,080
is that they hate everything
that I think and say.
940
00:54:51,800 --> 00:54:54,720
And, in fairness, I'm not a fan of theirs.
941
00:54:54,800 --> 00:54:58,240
I just love my baby sister so much,
I miss her so much,
942
00:54:58,320 --> 00:55:00,320
and I want it to be an amazing speech.
943
00:55:00,400 --> 00:55:03,280
So, I wondered if, Apollo,
I could practice it on you,
944
00:55:03,360 --> 00:55:05,400
because you're my friends.
Will that be okay?
945
00:55:05,480 --> 00:55:07,000
Okay, great.
946
00:55:07,080 --> 00:55:09,920
So, you'll be guests at the wedding.
That's perfect.
947
00:55:10,000 --> 00:55:12,320
You've already had some drinks,
so look around the room,
948
00:55:12,400 --> 00:55:15,240
try to decide who you might want
to get off with later,
949
00:55:15,320 --> 00:55:16,840
who's hopefully not your cousin.
950
00:55:16,920 --> 00:55:19,640
But it is Sarnia,
so it's gonna be your cousin. So, just--
951
00:55:21,600 --> 00:55:23,600
just wear a condom.
Bury that deep. It's gonna be fine.
952
00:55:25,360 --> 00:55:28,120
Okay. So, this side of the room,
you lovely people,
953
00:55:28,200 --> 00:55:30,760
and at the top as well,
you'll be the bride's friends and family.
954
00:55:30,840 --> 00:55:32,440
Is that cool? We're related.
955
00:55:32,520 --> 00:55:36,160
And then this side of the room,
you'll be the groom's friends and family.
956
00:55:36,240 --> 00:55:39,920
Mysterious.
Okay, so, I am the maid of honor,
957
00:55:40,000 --> 00:55:41,280
and this is time for my speech.
958
00:55:41,360 --> 00:55:42,440
[exhales deeply]
959
00:55:42,520 --> 00:55:44,760
Once again, guys,
I appreciate you so much for being here.
960
00:55:45,720 --> 00:55:46,760
Okay.
961
00:55:48,640 --> 00:55:51,360
Good evening, room of strangers.
962
00:55:51,440 --> 00:55:55,400
I am so honored to have been chosen
as Kerrie's maid of honor today,
963
00:55:55,480 --> 00:55:59,040
mostly because I know it pisses off
her whore friends...
964
00:56:04,480 --> 00:56:08,480
who wouldn't know honor
if it slapped them in the face.
965
00:56:09,480 --> 00:56:12,040
Chiefly because they'd be
getting slapped in the face
966
00:56:12,120 --> 00:56:14,960
by eight to ten cocks at any moment.
967
00:56:16,480 --> 00:56:21,120
Wow, ladies,
you all look absolutely normal.
968
00:56:22,880 --> 00:56:26,520
Thank you all.
Thank you for looking after my first baby.
969
00:56:26,600 --> 00:56:30,840
It has admittedly been a really long time
since I've seen my little sister Kerrie,
970
00:56:30,920 --> 00:56:33,280
but I clearly remember the day
she was born.
971
00:56:33,360 --> 00:56:36,360
I was six years old, Mum was thirteen.
972
00:56:39,400 --> 00:56:41,960
Dad was on the run from the law.
973
00:56:44,080 --> 00:56:47,920
I looked into the tiny incubator,
and I saw that the baby inside
974
00:56:48,000 --> 00:56:52,040
had managed to grow both fingernails
and eyelashes from inside the womb.
975
00:56:52,120 --> 00:56:55,800
I didn't know babies could do that.
I thought, "Yes! This is my sister."
976
00:56:55,880 --> 00:57:00,440
I glanced at Joanne, who was pretending
to be an acorn at the time.
977
00:57:01,560 --> 00:57:05,520
And I thought, "Oh, good. I never have
to talk to that one ever again."
978
00:57:07,360 --> 00:57:10,440
From then on, Kerrie was my baby.
979
00:57:10,520 --> 00:57:14,320
She had my mum, but she liked me better,
so she always called me Kathmum,
980
00:57:14,400 --> 00:57:18,200
but it came out "Kathbum,"
so that's been my name at home ever since.
981
00:57:18,280 --> 00:57:21,160
When my parents said no, I said yes.
982
00:57:21,240 --> 00:57:24,240
When they announced their divorce,
Kerrie grabbed my arm
983
00:57:24,320 --> 00:57:30,160
and shrieked, "But if Daddy moves away,
who will clean our swimming pool?"
984
00:57:31,440 --> 00:57:34,240
Ugh! White people! You know?
985
00:57:36,400 --> 00:57:38,920
Kerrie slept in my bed.
I gave her all my toys.
986
00:57:39,000 --> 00:57:41,240
I gave her my clothes.
I drove her to school.
987
00:57:41,320 --> 00:57:43,200
I gave her money, I gave her fake IDs.
988
00:57:43,280 --> 00:57:47,080
And then, when she was just 14, I left.
I just left.
989
00:57:47,160 --> 00:57:51,080
And she's the only one of you that I miss.
990
00:57:51,160 --> 00:57:55,680
I only come back to this fuckhole
you people call a town...
991
00:57:58,720 --> 00:58:02,040
to have an inappropriate laugh
with my sister.
992
00:58:02,120 --> 00:58:04,280
And kind of to see how fat your arms got.
993
00:58:06,880 --> 00:58:08,280
The following is a list of places
994
00:58:08,360 --> 00:58:10,880
that Kerrie and I have been kicked out of
for laughing:
995
00:58:10,960 --> 00:58:14,760
Two taxis, a school assembly, the A&E,
Papa's funeral, Nana's funeral,
996
00:58:14,840 --> 00:58:16,880
Granddad's intervention,
Granddad's funeral...
997
00:58:18,120 --> 00:58:20,840
Joanne's choir recital,
Joanne's piano recital,
998
00:58:20,920 --> 00:58:23,000
Joanne's tap recital,
Joanne's ballet recital,
999
00:58:23,080 --> 00:58:25,640
Joanne's gymnastics recital,
Joanne's wedding...
1000
00:58:28,640 --> 00:58:31,880
which was in a forest, by the way.
1001
00:58:32,920 --> 00:58:35,280
And you can't kick someone out
of a forest.
1002
00:58:35,360 --> 00:58:37,240
That's everyone's land.
1003
00:58:39,640 --> 00:58:41,360
And we were not wrong for laughing.
1004
00:58:41,440 --> 00:58:46,200
Kerrie and I were on either side of her,
and she had knitted her own wedding dress.
1005
00:58:46,920 --> 00:58:48,760
So it had little crocheted holes.
1006
00:58:48,840 --> 00:58:53,080
Well, we spotted a wasp fly
into one of the holes.
1007
00:58:53,160 --> 00:58:55,040
And Joanne loves all creatures,
1008
00:58:55,120 --> 00:58:57,120
so she was protecting it
like it wasn't happening,
1009
00:58:57,200 --> 00:58:59,080
but we knew it was stinging her
and stinging her
1010
00:58:59,160 --> 00:59:01,440
and stinging her and stinging her,
and she was in a lot of pain.
1011
00:59:01,520 --> 00:59:03,040
It was so funny.
1012
00:59:05,360 --> 00:59:10,920
Ah, but Kerrie-- Kerrie has only ever
been cross with me once.
1013
00:59:11,000 --> 00:59:12,400
Just once.
1014
00:59:12,480 --> 00:59:15,160
A year ago,
Kerrie traveled with her fiancé
1015
00:59:15,240 --> 00:59:18,680
to meet his family
for the very first time
1016
00:59:18,760 --> 00:59:21,920
in the Philippines, where he is from.
1017
00:59:22,000 --> 00:59:23,600
[audience laughing]
1018
00:59:37,920 --> 00:59:41,200
Kerrie had a very difficult two weeks
in the Philippines.
1019
00:59:47,200 --> 00:59:49,400
She did not make
a good first impression...
1020
00:59:50,880 --> 00:59:53,040
because her face was on CNN.
1021
00:59:55,160 --> 00:59:59,120
That time really tested
Kerrie's relationship with David,
1022
00:59:59,200 --> 01:00:01,360
and her relationship with me,
1023
01:00:01,440 --> 01:00:05,160
which is why I'm especially joyful
that we're all gathered here this evening
1024
01:00:05,240 --> 01:00:09,840
and that David's entire family
have flown in from the Philippines.
1025
01:00:11,080 --> 01:00:15,720
Because to you,
it is absolutely time that I said...
1026
01:00:16,440 --> 01:00:17,760
[speaking mock Tagalog]
1027
01:00:20,040 --> 01:00:21,760
[continues in mock Tagalog]
1028
01:00:35,560 --> 01:00:40,240
Which means, "I am sorry,
and I respect your people and culture."
1029
01:00:41,520 --> 01:00:45,280
I mean, obviously,
I do not have time to learn Filipino.
1030
01:00:53,760 --> 01:00:56,560
But I feel like if I just make
those noises...
1031
01:01:00,280 --> 01:01:03,960
then they will understand that I feel bad.
1032
01:01:06,400 --> 01:01:11,040
Look, I am a prick. Surprise!
I'm a terrible, terrible prick.
1033
01:01:11,120 --> 01:01:14,040
But what I learned
from this horrific experience
1034
01:01:14,120 --> 01:01:17,280
is that the Filipino culture
is a beautiful one
1035
01:01:17,360 --> 01:01:19,840
that are all about family.
1036
01:01:20,640 --> 01:01:23,720
I love David. He's my favorite man.
He treats my sister like gold.
1037
01:01:23,800 --> 01:01:27,120
He treats me like family.
That's why they got so upset.
1038
01:01:27,200 --> 01:01:30,600
But it also means that when Kerrie
marries David next month,
1039
01:01:30,680 --> 01:01:33,400
I am as good as Filipino.
1040
01:01:33,480 --> 01:01:36,400
Those fuckers have to accept me.
It's the perfect crime!
1041
01:01:38,640 --> 01:01:40,920
It was also a long way around
for one sister to go
1042
01:01:41,000 --> 01:01:42,720
to get the other one out of a jam,
1043
01:01:43,880 --> 01:01:47,760
which is why it's such a shame I'm gonna
need her to leave him for a Jew soon.
1044
01:01:49,400 --> 01:01:50,680
Such a shame.
1045
01:01:53,840 --> 01:01:59,200
So, Kerrie, to you,
my beautiful baby sister,
1046
01:01:59,280 --> 01:02:01,320
on your wedding day,
1047
01:02:01,400 --> 01:02:03,160
I just want to say...
1048
01:02:03,880 --> 01:02:04,960
relax.
1049
01:02:06,840 --> 01:02:09,360
Thank you so much for listening!
1050
01:02:09,440 --> 01:02:11,000
I'll see you soon.
1051
01:02:39,880 --> 01:02:41,240
[rock music playing]
1052
01:02:45,960 --> 01:02:47,000
[Katherine] Relax.
1053
01:02:54,160 --> 01:02:56,480
{\an8}Whoa. Relax.
1054
01:03:01,400 --> 01:03:02,800
{\an8}Oh, relax.
1055
01:03:09,960 --> 01:03:11,800
{\an8}Shh.
1056
01:03:23,200 --> 01:03:25,360
Relax.