Back in the '90s,
there was no other TV phenomenon like "Friends."
Everybody wished they knew them,
or in some cases, wanted to be them.
How you doin'?
Can you be any more like Joey?
Joey only says that to girls.
I don't... I don't know any girls.
The faculty was equally as riveted
watching these "Friends,"
who always had each other's backs.
Barry and I watched the whole episode together on the phone.
Bonkers that's still happening.
All the choices along the course of your life,
to end up back at Goldberg.
He may live 500 miles away
studying to become a fancy radiologist,
but I've never felt more connected to him.
Everything I see reminds me of him.
Like, Coop's grapes remind me of the time
I fed him on a picnic this summer.
I've seen what that boy does to fruit.
It's disgusting.
- Uh, you gonna get that? - I can't reach under the fridge.
- Yeah, but it's gonna rot down there. - Who cares?
God, Coop, stop being such a Monica.
Boy Monica's got a point.
You leave that grape under there,
it's gonna ferment and create wine,
intoxicating the mice.
Can't have drunk mice running around here.
I will simply lift this fridge
and you come and grab the grape.
Okay.
One...
Ow!
My back!
Damn it, mice! You win again!
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
♪ One of these days, you're gonna get outta here ♪
♪ Live your life and finally be free ♪
♪ Go where you wanna go, do what you wanna do ♪
♪ Someday, you will say "Those were the days" ♪
It was October 2nd, 1990-something,
and our school librarian
had a zero-tolerance policy for nonsense.
Toys are forbidden in my library!
He just said his first word in Furbish!
No canoodling amongst the stacks,
you hormonal monsters.
Are we in the cafeteria?
Am I wearing a hair net? No!
Yep, Dr. Ness was a hothead,
but the other teachers had kind of gotten used to it.
Call security.
There's a crazy man in the library
having a nervous breakdown.
Does he have fantastic skin and an ear-piercing scream?
That pretty much nails it, yes.
That's just Randall Ness, the doctor of library arts.
Are you saying he's always like this?
- Yeah. Yeah. - Pretty much.
So, you guys are okay with him throwing books?
Ah, mostly paperback, very few encyclopedias.
- Mm-hmm. - Okay.
Maybe it's none of my business.
I'll just have my students wear hard hats
when they visit the library.
Well, clearly Ness is going through something.
Maybe it's just a cry for help.
Seems more like a cry for him to be fired,
but I'll leave that entirely up to you.
I mean, you are the boss.
Well, I do have that plaque on my desk that says,
"The buck stops here."
And I have that other plaque that says,
"You don't have to be crazy to work here,
but it sure helps."
Well, John, I'd also like to remind you
that you were a former guidance counselor,
bound by the Counselor Code.
Is that code for wanting to avoid confrontation?
No.
It means we don't fire, we talk.
We don't send people packing.
Instead, we do some yakking.
We need to get to the root of Ness' growing rage
and help him fix it.
It's time to put away the firing tools...
And take out the compassion wrench.
So, Glascott set off to fix Dr. Ness,
while I was dealing with a bit of a broken coach.
How's your back feel, Rick?
Well, if I cling to the A.V. cart,
- I can wheel myself to the bathroom. - Oh, man.
Someone needs to drive you home.
Who is your emergency contact?
Wait. Susan Cinoman?
Well, if you must know,
Susan and I have, um, sort of a thing.
Shut up.
I didn't know you guys were seeing each other.
It's more of a rich, unspoken history.
I guess you could say
we're the Ross and Rachel of William Penn.
I am so happy for you guys.
A-And a little bit weirded out.
Well, I mean, we haven't shared an evening together for...
seven years,
so I guess you could say we're on a break.
Just like Ross and Rachel.
Although seven years is kind of a long break.
Well, you can't rush these things.
Well, maybe you should.
You almost died grabbing that grape.
Trust me, Barry and I were apart
for way too many years.
If you knew what it was like to be with a soul mate,
you wouldn't waste another second without your Barry.
I gotta go find Susan. Oh, my God.
Lewis, wait!
Ow! Body, you betray me!
- I'm sorry. Coach who? - Coach coach.
- The one and only coach. - Craig T. Nelson?
Is he here?
No. Coach Mellor.
Oh. Him.
Oh, gosh.
That was a long time ago, and it was nothing.
- What? - It was just a fling.
Besides, he is completely closed off,
and I make physical amore,
but I also make emotional amore
and spiritual amore.
Please stop saying "amore."
I think it's safe to say Coach Mellor may be
under a different impression about you two,
but I'll let you guys work that out
- on the way home. - What way home?
You have to drive him to his apartment. You're his emergency contact.
Oh. Can't.
We've got "Man of La Mancha" coming up,
and there is a lot of conquistador armor
in the passenger seat of my Miata.
Sorry.
Thanks for the ride, Lainey Lewis.
Weird how Susan was M.I.A.
I guess she thought
she couldn't keep her hands off me on the way home.
Uh-huh.
I think I have to tell you something.
It's about you and Cinoman.
Turns out she doesn't exactly think
you guys are like Ross and Rachel.
More like, uh, Monica and Chandler? I'll take it.
Or it's possible you and Cinoman aren't on the same show.
She may be on "Wings."
Oh.
I see.
- I'm so sorry. - Nah, it's all right.
I guess deep down inside, I...
knew I was being unrealistic
about a relationship with Susan.
But a couple years go by and I...
You don't want to admit to yourself
that you're basically completely alone.
- Coach... - No, it's okay.
I'll just go back to my previous emergency contact,
a guy who never lets me down...
Mr. Rick Mellor.
You know what?
I think it's a blessing we know this about Cinoman.
Now you can move on with your life and find your Barry.
Don't you want a special Barry for yourself?
I might, if you stop calling it a "Barry."
And what if she's not out there?
Of course she's out there.
And I'm gonna help you find her.
- You'd do that for me? - It'd be the least I could do.
Okay.
I'm open to it.
Great. Now, I'm gonna give you a couple days to recover
and then we'll start finding your special...
Let's find me a woman, Lainey Lewis!
Meet me in my office!
Wow. He heals fast.
Hey.
Headed to the library.
About to Counselor Code it up with Dr. Ness.
What are you gonna hit him with?
Well, I thought I'd start with the old "Tap n' Talk."
You know... mm.
Nice.
Then I'm gonna propose a weekly steam session.
Which of course doesn't involve a steam room,
just letting off some steam.
You know it.
I've also had a lot of luck with assigning a rage journal,
if you want to give that a shot.
Ooh. I'm calm just holding this.
It's all yours. Good luck.
I won't need it.
When I'm done with him,
this guy's gonna be mentally healthy as [bleep].
That's what I like to hear, Principal.
Hey, Randy. What's shakin', bacon?
My dog, if you must know.
He has a neurological disorder.
Oh, well, that's so sad.
Hey, you know what else is sad?
Is when people are scared to come to the library.
Oh, is this about when I turned over that bookshelf?
No, I had not heard about that,
but I am here to chat with you about a few things,
like throwing books, uh, yelling at the students...
You think I'm the problem?
Those snot-nosed kids are the damn problem.
No one is saying that there's a problem.
Get your hand off of me.
I was just doing the Tap n' Talk.
But maybe talking isn't what you need.
Maybe what you need is to express your feelings
with this rage journal.
Huh.
That's a great idea, John.
Express my feelings with this rage journal.
Like... this!
Whoa!
I have to fire Ness.
What a great decision you came up with
- entirely on your own. - Thank you.
He is a person, John.
He has a mother and a favorite ice-cream flavor
and a dog that he threw a birthday party for,
which I attended and had so much fun.
You could try water therapy, as long as you're both
comfortable in bathing suits together.
- Pool or tank? - Please ignore CB.
You're the person we're all looking to
for decisive action here.
You have to stop viewing Ness as a human being.
He's a man-shaped problem in a tweed blazer
who needs to go.
How can you be so heartless?
- Right? - No, I want to know how.
I tried to get through to him and give him a second chance,
but he refused.
Wilma Howell, teach me how to be heartless.
A lot of my kids have this same trouble
separating their emotions from their work.
Why don't you pop by my biology lab today?
- Sounds fun. - Yeah.
You're gonna cut open a cute little froggy.
Oh.
In this first column, I've written down
all the places to meet women in our community,
and on this side, I've listed all the places you go.
- Good news. One match. - No!
Absolutely not.
Fitness club is where I focus on this temple.
I can do a standing jump on this table right now.
That means I don't need a running start.
I cannot train my body to do that kind of thing
while I'm flirting.
You wanna see me jump?
I most certainly do not.
Okay. Your loss.
What else you got?
That's your only option, buddy.
Do you really not go to the grocery store?
Where do you buy your food?
The neighborhood farm plot.
You want to get the kind of ruby-red I get in a beet?
You got to grow it yourself.
Then we can ask around
and find some people to set you up with?
If you give it time,
you will absolutely find someone.
It seems so difficult.
If only finding a mate was as efficient
as recruiting a ball player.
I get these guys in front of me, and within five minutes,
I can tell if they're Mellor material.
Yeah, I'm not sure...
Wait a second. That actually exists.
Let's find you a new recruit.
Principal Glascott knew he needed to fire Dr. Ness,
but he needed a little bit of practice first
at being a little more ruthless.
Now, no more dawdling. Time to cut and gut.
This is hard,
knowing that this frog had a family and a name.
Its name was Sample 27.
I bet he went by Sampley.
You're not helping, CB.
I'm helping remind you who you are, John.
I'm helping you be a better leader.
Okay, everyone just stop talking.
I'm doing this.
Don't hurt me.
I play the banjo and I'm in love with Miss Piggy. Ooh.
John, this frog is not Kermit.
Kermit's not even Kermit.
He's just felt and a man's hand.
In a moment like this,
it's best to separate yourself from your feelings,
like I have to whenever CB starts talking.
- That's rude. - I'm sorry.
I just can't turn off my emotions like that.
Good. Emotions are what make you you, John.
Or are your emotions holding you back?
This is for the greater good, John.
You're right.
I'm head of school now.
Head of schools cut frogs.
Metaphorically.
I hope Sampley haunts you from the grave.
I had convinced Coach that speed-dating
was the perfect venue to find a quick match,
but he may have taken the quick part a little too seriously.
I weigh a buck-85. How about you?
You ever live on a boat?
Is that a wig, or is that your real hair?
What's your favorite kind of squat?
Oh, no. What is he doing?
Mellor!
You a fan of beet juice?
Winter Olympics or Summer Olympics?
Don't think, just answer.
Talk to me about your paternal grandmother's medical history.
- We need to talk. - Whoa!
I didn't see you pay the registration fee.
I'm not speed-dating you, dummy. I'm here to coach you.
You can't just ask these women
about their body mass and root-vegetable intake.
Why? If there are deal-breakers,
it's best everybody knows about them now.
Slow down and try and have a real conversation.
Listen to what these women are saying.
Well, if they're expressing
that they don't like that their BMI is in the "warning" range,
I can't say that I blame them.
I know this seems crazy,
but this is a real opportunity for you to meet someone,
and I want that for you.
I want it, too. But I'm...
Scared?
- Yeah. - I get that,
but you're only going to get out of this what you put into it.
Show them you're vulnerable.
I don't know how to do that.
You just did when you admitted you were scared.
You're looking for a partner, not a football recruit.
Put Coach on the sideline and be Rick.
Okay. Game on.
I m... I mean, normal conversation on.
Okay.
- How you doing? I'm Rick. - Samantha.
- How you doing, Samantha? - A-Actually, I'm really nervous.
Well, you know what? I'm really nervous, too.
So, maybe we'll just be really nervous together.
Okay.
Yes.
Hey, Wilma.
Guess who's fired up and eager to get in there
with absolutely no qualms and fire Dr. Ness?
This guy.
How long have you been standing there?
Uh, about 45 minutes.
And I can't waste any more time.
I've already missed one important meeting,
but I guess that was good
for the kid who set the flag on fire.
We've gone over this.
Switch off your emotions for the greater good.
Why does the female praying mantis
bite off the male's head while mating?
Oh, my God. They actually do that?
I'm gonna guess for the greater good.
Correct.
His death spasms increase the odds
of successful procreation.
Gross.
All right, cleansing breath, John.
Let's get in there and do this.
- No cleansing breath! - Ooh!
- Go eat his damn head! - Ah!
That is a lot of money to be spending on a Weimaraner.
But if the surgery buys me a few extra months,
then I just gotta get him to his next birthday.
I can't do this.
All right, thanks.
The library's closed.
Dr. Ness, there is no easy way to say this,
but in light of your behavior,
I have to.
First of all, I want to thank you
for all the work you've done here at William Penn.
Wait, wait, hold on.
It... It... It sounds like you're firing me.
As principal,
I need to run the best school possible,
and you've become toxic.
You can't do this.
I'm a doctor of library sciences.
You're just a...
mister with some bachelor's degree.
Dr. Ness, you're fired.
Are you crying?
No.
This is so exciting.
The proctor is tallying up all the matches.
I really got into it at the end there.
Good. I bet you and Samantha matched.
Well, she loves beets as much as I do.
I told you not to talk about beets.
The conversation just naturally went there.
This is yours.
And yours.
Oh, no, no, no. I wasn't even...
Oh, wow. 10?
How'd you do?
Uh, well, I got none.
What? No, that can't be right.
I hate Samantha.
Well, that's that. It was good fun.
Um... let's go to a bar.
I'm a fantastic wing woman.
Eh, I, uh...
I got some stuff I gotta do.
You know what I was thinking?
You know those dating shows like "Studs" or "Singled Out"?
I bet you would be great on one of those.
Lainey, just stop, okay? I-It just didn't work.
I don't want to date anybody anymore, okay?
- No, it's not okay, Rick. - Don't you get it?
I was happier pretending that I had somebody in my life
than confirming the fact
that I'm not compatible with anyone.
I'm closing my heart for good.
No. Rick, come on.
Not everybody gets to be happy in love, Lainey Lewis.
After firing his problem librarian,
Glascott had a new problem... extreme guilt.
But he had a plan to make things better.
I got your message.
What do you need to talk about?
To be honest, it's kind of weird for me to be here since...
you fired me.
Fired you as a librarian, but that doesn't mean
I can't hire you to help organize my office.
Look at this place.
I really let it get away from me.
I need your help, at $7 an hour.
I have two Masters and a doctorate.
So...$7.50?
But look, at that rate, you're gonna have to
come by my house and do some landscaping,
or maybe some light painting.
Right now, my kitchen is in powder blue,
but I would love to see it in periwinkle.
We need to talk.
I'm not sure we do.
Rick, I know it's hard to open yourself up,
but it's better than living your whole life
closed off to love.
Who needs love when you've got "SportsCenter" and a Bowflex?
Come on. Would you tell a kid to stop playing sports
because he lost one game?
That's easy for you to say. You have Barry.
You don't know anything about love being... hard.
That's where you're wrong.
I know I always talk about how great it is,
but it's been really hard having Barry so far away.
You know the other night when I said
we were watching "Friends" on the phone together?
- Yeah. - Well, the truth is, he fell asleep.
He doesn't love "Friends" like I do.
He likes "Suddenly Susan" better.
Well, that is a problem.
All relationships are challenging,
but they're worth it.
And you're really missing out if you're not willing to try.
Well, how do you propose I try?
Well, just keep this open.
Might not happen fast, but be ready when it does.
And don't be afraid to show her who you really are.
Look, John, I-I-I see what you're trying to do.
I just feel so awful.
Firing you was very hard on me.
I-I just hate the thought
of putting you out on the street.
Truth is, I'm glad you fired me.
It was a big wake-up call.
I was angry, burned out.
- Yeah. - I mean, in 10 years,
are people even gonna need a librarian?
Of course.
Where else would people get books?
And what? Will a computer tell you what you'd like to read?
I don't think so.
Wait, is that Dr. Ness?
Why is he back?
Uh, well, it seems like John... who's a human being...
feels guilty
and is now trying to pay Ness to be his manservant.
I think it's sweet that Glascott ransacked his entire office
just to help heal a friend.
This school's just a lot to get used to.
It was the tough love of the firing that woke me up,
but after I calmed down,
it was your kindness and words of wisdom
that pointed me in the direction I needed to go.
I finally started anger-management counseling.
And I'm on my fourth rage journal.
He gave me the Tap n' Talk.
How'd it go?
Well, I broke some pretty valuable stuff in my office.
I didn't think that through.
But Dr. Ness is gonna be fine.
I gotta say,
I heard the way your kindness affected Ness for the better.
Your touchy-feely Counselor Code
has its role in being a boss.
Well, we appreciate you saying you could learn
- a few things from both of us. - That's not what I said.
Actually, I've learned in some ways, you both were right.
I needed to be hard on him in order to protect the school,
and I needed to be kind to support him.
And I did both.
Good job, John.
I don't need your praise, but I do need both of you
to come help me clean up my office.
Step lightly, 'cause I broke a few figurines.
Turns out, Glascott was able to grow as a boss
but stay true to himself.
He was part counselor, part principal, all Glascott.
Hi.
Uh, excuse me. My nephew loves your class.
You're the gym teacher, right?
Oh, yeah. Coach Mellor.
Julie. I'm Toby's aunt.
Welcome.
Thanks, Coach.
Toby's a big fan of your class.
Well, that's nice to hear.
Enjoy your evening.
Uh, on second thought, you should call me Rick.
Hey, Rick.
This is gonna sound very strange, but I feel like...
Have we met before? You look very familiar.
I-I didn't want to make this weird,
but I actually think that we go to the same gym.
That's right! Yeah!
Sorry. I'm sorry I never said hi.
I just... I'm pretty focused on my workout, so...
Oh, good for you. I'm never focused enough.
Well, you don't look like you need it.
Opening your heart can be scary,
but when you have people who support you,
- it can make it a little bit easier. - Oh, my gosh!
That is amazing.
How do you do that?
I almost didn't.
Hey, who was that in the gym you were talking to for 20 minutes?
- Her name is Julie. - She's cute.
Yeah, she's a nurse.
Gave me an earful about stretching
before I jump up on a table.
- Oh, or lift a fridge. - Yeah.
I think I like her.
Who knows? Maybe something will happen, maybe it won't.
Yeah, you never do know.
You want to wait for me for a sec?
I got to turn this in to the nurse's office.
That's the thing about friends.
They can get you through whatever life throws your way.
Whether it's opening your heart or giving some tough love,
they'll always be there for you.
I'm a lot denser than I look... physically, I mean.
Favorite singer? Easy. Mr. Burt Bacharach.
Was I not just talking to you?
You guys are all starting to look alike.
I'm looking for a teammate, a doubles partner,
a holder to put down the football of love
so I can kick it right through the uprights of companionship.
Let's arm wrestle. Come on.
I'm... I'm gonna win, but I want to see how strong you are.
Yeah, I know they say "big-boned."
It's what you hear all the time.
A person can lose weight in their bones. Trust me.
I noticed your hands are super rough.
You work with your hands or is that an allergy?
My favorite sensation is the wind on my thighs.
Makes them feel free 'cause they're American.
As of today, it has been 38 months since I've worn pants.
Oh, well, I think it's weird you can't sleep standing up.
I want to test your tensile strength.
I want you to squeeze my hand as hard as you can.
Don't worry. You will not hurt me.
If I had one wish, it'd be to be a centaur.
Can't be strong enough in the lower body.
I'm not shouting!! You're shouting!!
Where are you going? We still have more time.
Timer didn't go off.