[Staci] Previously, on Heels...
Willie around?
Not at the moment. Can I help you?
[Sonya] She leave anything for me?
You're not gonna be some gushing fanboy
all day, are you?
Just go to the bar and get me two goddamn martinis.
Whatever the fuck you say.
[Ricky] Crystal. Meet Elle Dorado.
Real name's Tanya.
Elle's a pro.
[all] Oh!
So are you.
[crowd] Crystal! Crystal!
[Thomas] It's granddad's crown.
It's all right, buddy.
Your dad won't care.
I got this idea.
Could use some help.
You help me restore my honor in the ring
with a cross-promotion between the DWL and Dystopia,
or I hit you back and take every goddamn dollar you make
for the rest of your goddamn life.
Yeah! Yeah!
[crowd] Oh!
[Ace] I am... the Condamned.
[crowd] Whoo!
[mellow rock music plays]
♪ ♪
[singer] ♪ I'm not waiting for ♪
♪ The answer ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I will ♪
♪ Walk in the shore ♪
♪ To find you ♪
♪ To find ♪
♪ The peace that's your own ♪
♪ Where you come from ♪
♪ All that you want ♪
♪ ♪
♪ One that's your own ♪
♪ Place to call home ♪
♪ Won't be ♪
♪ Granted ♪
♪ What is fair in love ♪
♪ Is fair in war ♪
♪ ♪
♪ What is fair in love ♪
♪ Is fair in war ♪
♪ One ♪
♪ To one ♪
♪ What's love ♪
♪ In war? ♪
♪ ♪
[quiet dramatic music plays]
♪ ♪
[crowd chanting "Goddamned"]
Listen up, folks!
It's "con-damned."
Do not conjure incorrectly.
You risk offending that bewildering barnstormer.
His voice may have been garbled,
but that specter can't possibly share
a name with the most high,
for the most high has cast that demon below.
Say it with me.
Con!
[crowd] Con!
Damned!
[crowd] Damned!
All together!
[all] Condamned!
Condamned! Condamned!
Condamned!
For those of you wondering, "What was that?"
that was the Condamned.
Come back next week as we peel back the mystery
of he who fell from the skylight.
This is Eddie Earl with Bobby Pin,
signing off from Duffy, Georgia,
the cradle of the greatest wrestling in America,
the DWL.
What the heck was that?
Uh, that was the Condamned.
Well, they-they could have told us that.
A heads-up would have been nice.
[crowd] Condamned! Condamned! Condamned!
Jack or Ace tell you that was the fucking finish?
No. They kayfabed all of us.
Tryin' to keep us on our toes.
I almost had a heart attack.
I know CPR, if it ever happens.
-It's gonna happen! -[Big Jim] Listen, guys.
Ace is my daughter's godfather,
and I didn't even know he was in town.
[Diego] Willie, if y'all knew anything about that,
it's bullshit you kept it a secret.
Rule #1 of kayfabe is don't kayfabe the boys!
Secrets are only secrets if you don't tell anyone.
Willie, a company of compadres are only
true compadres when we know what
we are all compadre-ing about.
A mysterious seraph riding in on a chariot?
'Twas glorious. Admit it.
I don't gotta admit shit.
-Bill-- -Bobby.
Don't know the word "seraph."
Seraph's a high-ranking angel, young Bob.
He's an angel, but he's damned?
Condamned.
So he's a fallen angel, like Satan.
Satan?
Nobody told me Ace was playing Satan.
No. Ace isn't playing Satan.
So then what is he?
He's whatever Jack and Ace say he is,
and when they tell us, that's when we'll know.
Well, as a reporter, I'm supposed to ask questions.
During the show. The show's over, dummy.
Good shit tonight.
We gotta cover this entire night
for the podcast.
Yeah? Write up some notes.
Text me.
Where's my brother?
That was a top-five DWL moment right there!
Do you feel good?
You should feel good.
-Think it got over? -Course it got over.
Big time.
Crowd was gasping and shouting.
Ace Spade is back.
Yeah, well, it's not like it's me, Ace Spade.
It's supposed to be this thing where i-it's not me,
so it doesn't have to be me, but... yeah.
It felt good.
It should've.
It was good.
Well, it's a first step anyway.
[cell phone buzzing]
Oh, shit.
-What? -Hey.
Told you we should have told Gully.
Wasn't his business.
[Willie] I don't think that's gonna fly.
Bill?
Coming, dear.
[Big Jim] That was a damn entrance.
Wasn't sure I could pull it off.
Butterflies.
Emotions, you know.
Hey, it's good to have you back, man.
I just wanna say, if you need to talk to anyone
about anything, I'm-I'm here for ya.
Even... even if I am a married man with a baby,
that don't make me, uh... I don't know,
not your friend.
You know, part of the reason I un-retired and came back
was to do this with you, so just saying reach out.
You're a good friend, Jim.
I haven't been one to you lately.
Oh, cut the shit.
I'm not trying to have a long conversation.
Not here, anyway.
Just, uh, stop by and visit your goddaughter.
I'm gonna.
I promise.
Oh, and be ready to stay the night,
'cause we're goin' out, and you're babysitting.
[laughs]
Pick your poison.
I'd take one of each, but, uh, I gotta head out.
One beer.
[Elle] Can't. Road life.
Get in, get out, move on.
Break a few hearts along the way, if I'm lucky.
Tanya, you were... so great tonight.
I-I'll push Jack to bring you back.
[Elle] Focus on them pushing you.
Only way to improve is by improving.
Take care of your knees.
Best advice I never got.
Oh, and check for peepholes.
Really?
Huh.
Thanks for being so cool.
[tender music plays]
♪ ♪
Condamned, what are you?
I'm vengeance.
Isn't that what Batman says?
I taught it to Batman.
Taught him everything he knows.
[fan] Get it!
Could you sign this for me?
Thank you.
I appreciate it, man.
♪ ♪
[fans cheering and chatting]
♪ ♪
Gully's pissed.
Gully's always pissed.
What the fuck was all that?
[Wild Bill] That was a lights-out finish.
[Willie] Literally.
That was not the finish we booked.
Ace came to me last minute.
You had time to rig a zipline!
That's easy to do if you're handy.
I informed Rooster and The Hole
that this might happen before the match.
I'll take that up with them later,
but it's not about informing.
It's about you and I booking this cross-promotion
and agreeing on how we're gonna do it,
which I thought we had done,
so I was stowed away up here, like a gerbil in a pet shop,
shitting on myself, watching, waiting,
assuming things were gonna go according to the plan
that you and I agreed to, but no.
Needle scratch. No.
Y'all change shit up with some fucking ghoul
in a "Quadrophenia" coat.
Fucking Adam Ant meets the Hamburglar,
who apparently stole Burger King's crown.
Hey, bud, I got a phone.
You could have called, texted.
You could have walked up one flight of fucking stairs
and whispered your big, new, dumb idea in my ear.
Nope! Surprise, Charlie.
Fucking Ace hijacks the entire night!
-Not Ace. The Condemned. -"Condamned."
[Wild Bill] Nothing got hijacked.
It was the cherry on top of a DWL storyline.
It's got nothing to do with you.
Hey, Billy Boy, in this cross-promotion,
there is no storyline that's got nothing to do with me.
Nobody told me that I was gonna have to run
every little detail by ya!
Detail? It was the finish!
Jack wrote Rooster an amazing promo.
Yeah, before the Condemned dive-bombed him
and launched some bullshit!
It's "Condamned," Charlie boy.
It's "fuck you," Bill!
Shall we start the foreplay
with me sitting on your face again?
Only if you'd like your nuts chewed off this time.
I'll hold him down while you do it.
Be my guest and try.
I'm so glad we're working together.
Dystopia was supposed to end the night
up with the ring invasion.
Instead, we end the night down,
in front of 1,000 people.
1,122.
New Dome record, much of this
due to Crystal's new popularity.
Charlie, fuck-yous
and scrotum chewing aside, Jack delivered.
Speaking as a hall-of-famer,
looked to me like the cross-promotion
was kicked off perfectly.
Well, speaking as one pissed-off motherfucker,
it looked like my top guys got beat up by a guy
named after a non-word.
Jack, two pieces of advice.
One, get a new sound system that doesn't sound
like you bought it at Radio Shack.
Two, get a spelling book,
'cause the word is "condemned!"
Maybe I didn't consider this with the level of granularity
that you were expecting, but I am not used
to having to run everything by a partner!
Get used to it!
Or the lawsuit is back on.
Geezum Crow.
You wanna play Fuck-Fuck?
Spin the wheel!
I, too, should have been more granular,
so let's get granular now.
Ace's Blair Witch Project is gonna get his ass kicked
in my ring next week.
End of discussion!
It's a slow-burn character, Charlie.
He's not gonna wanna do it!
Well, that's your problem to fix.
Talk to your brother,
and you better book the Condamned
in the fucking card next week
and pray that I don't zipline down and fuck him up
in whatever whimsical way
I feel like fucking improvising at my fancy.
I'm tryin' to fucking work with you guys, man.
I'm trying to fucking work together.
I'm trying to be a fucking partner.
You're not making it fucking easy.
Fuck you!
Thanks.
Now I gotta ride home with him.
[soft music plays]
♪ ♪
Intrigued about how to play Fuck-Fuck.
Apparently there's a wheel.
Hamburglar was a deep cut.
And Adam Ant.
Must have watched a lot of MTV.
I put us in a real bad spot here.
I begged Ace to come back and told him
we'd do the DWL together.
Now we're making shit up on the fly
to appease Ace's psyche.
I'm trying not to be my dad.
I'm trying to take input from you,
and from you, and from Ace.
Any of your notebooks have something
for a situation like this?
A situation in which a brand-new masked character,
one who just revealed his true identity
by holding aloft the charred crown
of his dead father?
Are you asking is there a page in one of my notebooks
that might provide us with some direction
as to how we will continue this new storyline
while in the midst of a looming lawsuit
that threatens to crush the DWL?
I can say with confidence that nowhere in the many notebooks
that I have pondered countless, wide-ranging topics
is there insight as to how to make
this particular situation work.
But sounds like we must try quickly.
[Bobby] You were amazing tonight.
-[Crystal laughs] -[Bobby] But then,
you're always amazing. [laughs]
[Crystal] You had a good night too.
[Bobby] Oh, limpin' around playin' reporter.
Gorilla Monsoon made a career out of that.
Hmm.
Ace's new gimmick hit it out of the park.
Oh, oh, surprised the pants off me,
even though I could tell it was Ace.
Well, it's not like you're not supposed to know.
He pulled out his dad's crown.
How much, uh, did you, you know, help?
I just did his hair and his makeup.
The other stuff he's still figuring out.
He really wants to, you know, create his own thing.
[door opens]
Uh, I'll be right back.
[Bobby] Yeah.
[Crystal] Hey, uh, Willie, when is Jack having tryouts
for the women's division?
Your guess is as good as mine.
You got candidates, send me names.
[Crystal] Well, I got no one to wrestle next week.
[Willie] Well, that's all right.
Take a week off. Cut a promo.
What? Why? A-against who?
Oh, boy.
This tone again, really? Wah-wah.
Me-me.
The complaints and entitlement.
Look, right now, Jack's got Gully up his ass--
Okay. W-we can do it.
Jack's not gonna care.
You and I can hold the tryouts.
I'll go online, and I'll find some girls
up in South Carolina or something.
I can't lose momentum.
You won't lose momentum.
Make your own momentum.
And make sure you're using a condom.
That one's, you know, a little bit dim.
Dumb.
D-don't say that.
Bobby is a good guy
who thinks before he speaks,
who considers feelings,
who knows that whatever he says can either lift someone up
or put them down, so I-I'm not gonna stand
for you putting him down to me.
Okay. Lighten up.
How about you don't tell me that you being mean
is something I need to lighten up about?
How about that?
[quiet dramatic music plays]
♪ ♪
Your eyes are squinty.
Is it bad news?
Mm. No news.
No plans.
Just a week off.
Hmm.
You wanna do a push-up contest?
♪ ♪
[Crystal sighs]
Time to head home, Jack Spade.
Crazy night.
I need help.
With putting the money in the safe?
What to do next.
How to do it.
Can you help me?
I have no expertise in wrestling.
I don't even--I don't know.
What's the opposite of expertise?
Beginner-pertise?
I like having you here working with me.
Have you liked it?
It's our family business.
Mm-hmm.
With the cross-promotion, things are probably
gonna get a little crazy here.
Willie's underwater already.
She's, uh... she's goggle-eyed.
I worry that things might be, you know,
falling through the cracks.
A woman from the County came by the other day,
looking to get something from Willie,
but Willie wasn't here.
The woman seemed angry.
She was here again tonight.
I saw Willie give her whatever she was looking for,
so I hope it all worked out.
That'd be Sonya Tuckerman.
She does the county tax assessment,
so it's that time of year again when she's gonna cost us,
but she's fine.
She j-just doesn't realize how she comes across,
which is dour and grumpy.
Let me wash up.
We'll get home.
♪ ♪
[Gully] Rise and shine, sleepyhead!
I been calling you.
Texting you. Seven times.
[Rooster] I had to bail last night
and take care of my pops.
[Gully] He all right?
Yeah. That sums it up.
He just a'ight.
Let me know if I can help.
May I shift subjects and express my displeasure
about last night's show while acknowledging
that this may lack perspective
about your father's current health?
You knew about the Condamned beforehand?
[Rooster] Only moments beforehand.
[Gully] Yet you didn't call me?
Because my phone was in my damn locker!
-I'm just asking! -When I'm 'bout to go up,
I'm working on what I gotta do.
I ain't got my phone out, looking at TikTok,
texting, and calling people.
It was locked up in my locker so I could focus.
Now, Jack wrote me a great promo.
Look, I'm playing ball. He playing ball.
He juggling you and Ace. It's complicated!
Well, it's gonna get a lot more complicated
if the Condamned isn't in my ring
Saturday night, getting his ass kicked!
Look, those Spade boys don't know
what that Condamned thing is, and they damn sure
ain't gonna figure it out by Saturday.
Look, the only reason I agreed to this
because I believe it's good story.
Thus, eventually money in my pocket and yours.
Now, come on, Charlie.
Remove your emotions.
Think creatively.
Now, you remember how bad you wanted Ace, right?
-I do. -[Rooster] Mm-hmm.
Now, the Condamned gimmick is already way better
than any Ace gimmick.
Now, let's say we string this thing along.
We build us back up, and we make
this cross-promotion thing work.
Who's DWL's top guy, to take on me?
I mean, it's gotta be somebody, right?
-Yeah. -I mean, they last champion
was a girl the size of Tinkerbell.
And they former top guy, Jack Spade,
just lost clean to that Tinkerbell.
And the legendary Wild Bill
is a pants-shitting laughingstock
who's one match away from slipping into a warm bath,
slitting his wrists, and donating his brain to science.
-[laughing] Oh, my God. -Now,
the Condamned is mysterious.
The Condamned is new.
Now, if I beat a masked vigilante
who seems like he can kick 100 guys' asses in the alley,
who's the real cock of the walk?
Rooster time.
-[Lucy] Dad? -Hey, honey.
You got a call from a guy
named Brooks Rizzo, in Hollywood.
He works for a social media app
and streaming company called Continuum.
He wants to discuss putting Dystopia on TV.
-What? -[Lucy] Well, not TV,
but on their platform,
which plays on TVs, and tablets, and phones,
like all the streaming service companies.
-Let's go! -That's what I'm talking 'bout!
-[Gully] All right! All right! -[Rooster] Come on! Come on!
Guys, we-we about to be famous!
[Gully] Yeah we are!
-[Rooster] You damn right! -[Gully] Okay!
[door buzzes]
[inmate chuckles]
-[Crystal] Hey, Mom. -Hi.
You finally got some sleep.
Mm.
So, tell me what happened.
[Crystal sighs] She ended up being nice.
What was her stage name?
Wasn't really a stage name.
It was more like a gimmick.
Elle Dorado.
Well, what's her real name?
[Crystal] Tanya.
That was popular when I was a kid.
They ever give you kind of a fake name?
I'm just me.
Crystal.
Rock solid.
All natural.
She said it's not easy.
The road.
She said to watch out for peepholes.
Well, if I wasn't in here, I'd go on the road with you.
No one would ever risk peeping at you
through peepholes with me around.
Goddamn, I hate not being there to look out for you.
I'm fine.
-It's all fine. -[Karin] No, it ain't.
You're out there, on your own.
I should have been there with you the whole time.
Mom, it's fine.
Don't worry.
I am strong.
Really.
Just like you said.
Rock solid.
[soft music plays]
♪ ♪
I just want you home.
I know.
I'm sorry.
Don't be.
You don't need to say it.
I met a guy.
Oh, do tell.
Only if it's a nice guy.
♪ ♪
[Jack] Good to see you. Thank you.
Just saw Mr. Devaux.
He was at the show last night. Loved it.
Fred Devaux loved the show?
Yeah.
-High school principal. -Aw.
It's weird having people actually like you.
One of these days, you're gonna have to let me
-know what that feels like. -I'm trying to.
Hey, after you left last night--
Oh, one sec. Tricia Bell texted me
and said that she wants to be, like,
my goth/emo valet.
Catwoman kinda thing.
Last time didn't terrorize her?
[Ace] Says she's intrigued.
You're blowing up.
Yeah, but it's more than that, you know?
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Hey, look.
After you left last night,
I had a chat with Charlie Gully,
and he offered to host the Condamned at Dystopia.
Host? Host what?
He wants to feature the Condamned
at Dystopia this week.
[laughs] Of course he does, 'cause it's dope.
-Obviously, the answer's no. -Okay.
No way we're wasting the Condamned at his shitshow.
-He can host this. -[Jack] Hey, hey.
Come on, dude.
Look, when we're at church,
you do not need to grab your unit to make a point.
All right? S-sorry. Sorry. Sorry, Staci.
I'm sorry, Jesus.
I understand the impulse, relative to the situation.
Best sister-in-law ever.
I don't think Gully understands what this all means to you.
No way he could.
That being said, I did tell him
that I would run it by you.
Okay, well, tell him you did, and tell him I told you
there's no way we're wasting the Condamned
on an audience that wouldn't understand the...
nu-the nuance. Is "nuance" a word?
Mm-hmm.
[Ace] The-the-the-the complexity
of what we got goin' on here.
There's a chance for this gimmick to really,
really speak to people about, uh, impulse,
and-and appetite, and the- the cost of those things.
You know, redemption.
Deliverance from evil.
Like in the Lord's Prayer. "Deliver us from evil."
It's all right there waiting to be tapped
and told for new audiences.
Mm-hmm.
You understand, don't you, Staci?
You can see it.
I do understand.
And you can see it?
I can.
[Ace] Come here.
[Staci] Aw.
God bless you.
[Staci] Aw, I love you too.
[Wild Bill] Hey.
You all right?
[Diego] I'm great.
[Wild Bill] You don't seem great.
[Diego] Yeah, well...
Let's just do this.
[Wild Bill] Yes, let's.
Should we discuss the Condamned?
You tell me.
Let's discuss it.
It was big news.
Cool.
Hey, hey.
What is up with the pout-pout?
I'm trying to help you,
open doors for you.
Expose you to stuff. Lift you up.
Make your dreams come true.
And you're pouty-pout man-pouting
about I don't fucking know what.
You treat me like a scrub.
You treat me like a gofer.
You aren't lifting me up.
You're using me to buck up your fragile ego.
My ego isn't fragile.
Everyone's ego is fragile,
but good people don't treat other people badly
to build theirs up.
And...
Three, two, one.
Welcome.
Quick bit of business.
I know y'all love listening to the Wild Bill Podcast,
but going forward,
we got a new name in the title.
Going forward, this is not the Wild Bill Podcast.
This is the Wild Bill
and Diego Cottonmouth Podcast.
Been a great partnership so far
and one I hope will continue.
[soft music plays]
[sighs]
It's an honor to be with you, Bill.
♪ ♪
[laughs]
All right, let's get into it, shall we?
First up...
♪ ♪
Caitlyn, please get Brooks.
He's coming.
[executive] And please tell
whoever redecorated my office over the weekend,
who clearly thought they were doing me a favor,
that when they redecorate, they shouldn't insult
people's intelligence with fake books
with... colorful spines that I would like to burn.
Brooks, I am meeting with the board in two weeks.
Please brighten my day with some good news.
Darren Phillips scouted women's golf,
said there might be some possibilities there.
Taylor said that we can get Kentucky Derby coverage cheap.
Imagine our surge in subscribers
when people find out there's a new platform
where you can watch horses running around
while getting whipped, surrounded by women in hats.
We're very much all over the place.
We need not to be.
I'm going to Florida to scope out
some independent professional wrestling promotions.
I hate professional wrestling even more than I hate horses.
You don't hate horses.
I hate when they're racing and getting whipped.
You know, horses aren't naturally competitive.
It's humans who make them that way.
Perhaps I hate horses more because of the people
who own them, who make them something they're not.
Last year, total revenue for professional wrestling
was 1.095 billion.
I guess I could grow to love professional wrestling.
Although, I hate when men wear those bikini pants.
Either wear shorts or nothing, not in between.
So we buy a wrestling promotion.
More than one. Grab a handful.
Promote the hell out of 'em.
Build it, brand it, live shows and streamed content.
Expand. Who knows?
Maybe, in one to three years, it grows.
Optimism is mental illness, but it's cute.
Have fun. Don't drink.
[Brooks] Hmm.
[Willie] You look handy up there.
[laughs] Just got to thinking how, every summer,
we lose who knows how many thousands of dollars'
worth of air conditioning out these windows.
Hey, would you hand me that towel there?
[Willie] I should get you to come to my place.
[Staci] I'm happy to help wherever I can.
Jack was thinking, with the cross-promotion chaos,
things might get a little busy around here,
so I figured I might as well help out.
-All for one and all, you know. -Yeah, well,
the list of things we need help with
is never-ending. You don't wanna know.
I do.
Sump pump's busted.
-Maybe I don't. -Exactly.
Oh, hey, Willie,
before you go, uh,
you connected with Sonya Tuckerman,
the woman from the County?
I did. Thanks.
Okay.
Yeah, so she got what she came for then?
Saturday night, in the hallway?
Yeah. She got it.
Jack says she's the tax assessor.
She is.
I paid a bill.
For some bills, we write checks,
and some we pay in cash.
You pay the property taxes in cash, in an envelope?
We do.
We pay the property taxes in cash, in an envelope,
and Sonya Tuckerman handles it.
And if Sonya Tuckerman didn't handle it,
we'd be screwed.
That's enough of an answer.
No, it isn't.
[Willie] Staci...
this isn't anything you need to worry about.
It looks like it might be.
[Willie] It isn't.
Okay, look, there's-there's two kinds of women.
There are women who get taken care of.
You know, they emit some kind of soft vapor.
People gather around and take care of 'em.
That's you.
And then there's me.
I emit some kind of coal engine smoke.
I get dirty, and I fix shit,
and I stay up all night worrying about
more dirty shit I gotta fix.
I fix shit, so you don't have to spend a single second
worrying about un-fixed shit.
What's going on here, Willie?
You wanna know what's going on?
Here's what's going on.
Tom and I made an agreement, years ago,
that we would do whatever we needed to do
to keep this place alive.
And you don't need to worry about what those things are.
Are they legal?
[Willie] Some are.
Well, whatever those other ones are,
we're not doing 'em anymore.
The DWL is a house of cards built on sand,
in the middle of a hurricane, on a leaky boat.
We do whatever we need to do.
Does Jack know?
[sighs] No.
What else are we doing?
I wanna know everything.
I'm not gonna tell you everything.
You're saying that to pretend like you're protecting me
when, in fact, you're only protecting yourself.
This turning into that kind of conversation?
Everything that's going on, Jack needs to know.
I need to know, so we can make it right...
-[Willie laughs] -...move on.
"Make it right."
Well, those are some big, shiny morals you've got there,
but here's the problem with knowing stuff.
You can't un-know it, so what if knowing stuff
means finding out the DWL
can't keep itself afloat legally
and never has?
What if it means finding out that Tom had years and years
of promissory notes and third mortgages
and lines of credit and business loans he knew
he'd never be able to pay off?
Hmm?
Is that really something you wanna know?
And how you gonna fix it?
How you gonna fix over $100,000 in county property taxes
that we avoided paying because Sonya Tuckerman
had a crush on Tom?
What are you gonna do?
You gonna tell Jack his father wasn't only
the bastard that left him, but also a hustler
who didn't always tell the truth
to get people to give him money?
Tom didn't want Jack knowing anything
'cause he didn't want wrestling ruining his life,
and as for the DWL,
he probably forgot he even willed it to him.
That will hadn't been touched since Jack was six years old.
Back when Tom thought, as did I,
that this thing was gonna be something
worth leaving someone.
Stupid.
Tom didn't do Jack any favors leaving him the DWL.
He left him a rat's nest to untangle,
and he left me with it.
I'm just stupid enough to still be standing here,
trying to fix it.
You say you need to make it right.
Make it right, Staci.
Take it all.
Tell Jack all about it.
Jack's an honest man.
We're all honest, till we're not.
[somber music plays]
♪ ♪
[door slams]
The Condamned is wrestling at Dystopia this week.
No exceptions.
[Jack] I'm not gonna blow the Condamned's whole character
in some ordinary match with you.
First, the character's been around what, three days?
Second, a match with me is never ordinary.
I'm the FWD champ.
So by not wrestling me, you get to keep
that belt a little longer.
Ace doesn't wanna wrestle at Dystopia,
so it's not gonna happen.
You agreed to this cross-promotion.
There's only one choice.
Well, there's two, if you count gettin' sued and going bankrupt.
I'd say Charlie doesn't care which, but he does.
His character really means a lot to him.
Next, you gonna tell me that he's not such a bad guy.
You keep telling that to yourself until it sink in.
He's the one you got to deal with,
because you punched him.
So you just focus on what's next.
Right now, you just do what you gotta do
so your bill don't get past due.
Ciao.
Tell me I'm being short-sighted.
You're not being short-sighted.
You're trying to pretend you got a choice when you don't.
We can make it a shoot.
Go down there, and pin him when he's not expecting it.
[Jack] Ace, you can hold him down for an hour,
and the ref will never count to three.
Besides, you said you don't wanna go back to Dystopia,
and I don't blame you.
I definitely don't.
It's not like I wanna go.
I'm just saying, as your brother, if you told me,
"I need you to do it..."
No.
If you really don't got a choice--
It's my fuck-up.
It's not yours.
You punched him 'cause you were trying
to save me from him.
That was the wrong way to handle it.
This is your character.
Don't go messing with it just to cover my mistake.
Fuck Gully.
I'd rather go down in flames.
I don't want you to go down in flames.
I don't want us to go down in flames.
Besides, flames are the sort of situation
the Condamned's trying to steer away from anyway.
[both laugh]
We really are fucked.
Nah, not really.
It's just wrestling.
Give him Crystal.
Gully wants me, not Crystal.
Gully wants you to wrestle, so don't wrestle.
Appear.
Ten seconds. You're in. You're out.
Boom. It's over.
Gully'd wanna win the night.
[Willie] Then Gully wins the night.
So what?
Move on. Cut your losses, right?
Let's stop acting like we got a choice in the matter.
Just do it. Go.
We can't throw Crystal to the wolves.
Not at this point.
Crystal just survived y'all's asses.
Y'all are wolves, bears, lions, and hyenas.
And jackasses. Crystal can handle Dystopia.
She can handle whatever comes at her next.
Stop talking.
Let's fix this shit.
[soft music plays]
♪ ♪
[sighs and laughs]
[Willie] Those are something. The bracelets.
[Crystal] Elle left them for me.
[Willie] Bargain-basement Wonder Woman she was.
She was nice.
Come sit.
Crystal, Jack is sending Ace to Dystopia.
Not sending.
It's voluntary. He wants to go.
Now Gully's being a dick.
Sun's gonna rise tomorrow too. Big surprise.
Anyhow, Ace is gonna do it.
One night.
And I think you should go too.
Lemons outta lemonade, or other way around,
but the thing is,
you were right about the women's league.
It's time we shit or get off the pot.
We'll make Gully put you in a match with one of his girls.
Women.
You know, someone from his roster.
He's got a lot of 'em, women down there.
Could be a big boost,
one you couldn't get here,
not without more women on our roster, so go.
Don't just stand there, staring at an open door.
Don't question it.
This is a chance.
You take it, and it'll lead to another and another.
You get in that ring at Dystopia,
and you say, "Shove it up your ass.
I am here to sparkle."
[laughs softly]
And I'll be there to protect you.
[warm music plays]
♪ ♪
Okay.
I'll do it.
Willie says Gully has me wrestling
some woman named Venus Cancer.
-Mm-hmm. -Willie talked to her.
-Says she's cool. -See?
You were all worried you were gonna have
a week off and lose momentum,
and now you're a featured act at Dystopia.
That's five times our crowd.
Trust your destiny.
Faith.
It's not a lot of prep time.
[Bobby] Your entire life, up to this moment,
has been prep time.
God placed you in this moment,
not to test you,
to reward you,
to shine a spotlight on you.
I know this.
I do not know a lot, but I know this.
[laughs]
At what point does, like, your face fall off,
revealing yourself to be some kind
of romance novel android man
engineered to make me feel good about myself
when I'm at my lowest and most uncertain?
Hmm.
I cannot compute what you say, Crystal.
Go win!
Bobby 2000 at your service.
-Thank you. -[Bobby] Mm-hmm.
Don't worry about calling.
Stay focused.
[Ace] Oh, Jack says it's time to roll.
Bobby, wish us luck.
[Bobby] Oh, you don't need it.
We'll be watching on the Dystopia livestream.
-Crush it, Crystal. -[Crystal] Mm.
And you give 'em hell, Condamned.
I really like you.
You know what I mean?
I really like you too.
[laughs]
[tender music plays]
♪ ♪
["Long Cool Woman" playing]
♪ ♪
[singer] ♪ Saturday night I was downtown ♪
♪ Working for the FBI ♪
♪ Sittin' in a nest Of bad men ♪
♪ Whiskey bottles Piling high ♪
♪ Bootlegging boozer On the west side ♪
♪ Full of people Who are doing wrong ♪
♪ Just about to call up The DA man ♪
♪ When I heard this woman Sing a song ♪
♪ A pair of 45's Made me open my eyes ♪
♪ My temperature Started to rise... ♪
No, no, no.
Now, now, now, right after that, Venus,
I need you to kick out.
Kick out!
There it is. Good job.
Yo, Rooster, heads up.
And, well, looky here.
Hello, old friends.
Now, folks, let's give a warm Dystopia welcome
to our partners from the DWL.
[polite applause]
♪ ♪
So I have some thoughts on how this should go.
Well, your thoughts better involve
you getting your asses kicked.
[Jack] Rooster, I need your help persuading Gully
that what I've booked is great.
Look, Jack, I'm not here to help you with your business,
yo bitchin', your complainin', or persuadin'.
Look, good shit sells itself.
Sell some good shit without Condemnation Man winning,
and Gully will bite.
Why, in the name of whatever almighty God
created this dog-eat-dog world should I let you
book what happens in my ring
and trust that you're actually gonna go through with it?
Well, first off, you get to punch me in the face.
-Yay, Dad. -Yeah, yay me.
Okay, keep going.
It gets better.
Brooks Rizzo just texted.
He's gonna be a little bit late.
We're not gonna start the show without him,
so meet him out there for will-call.
Sit next to him during the show.
If he needs anything, get it to him.
-Dad? -Yes?
-I got this. -Okay. Thank you.
[bell dings]
[groans in pain]
[crowd cheering]
[crowd jeering]
[dramatic slow drumbeat plays]
[crowd] Ooh!
Yeah!
[referee] Get her on the corner, Venus.
Aha!
You okay, Crystal?
[crowd groans]
You okay, Venus?
Venus?
[crowd booing]
Okay.
Holy shit.
One, two--
All right. She's great.
Let's see how she is on the mic.
I am not gonna be thrown off by your words, Jack.
I learned all of them.
I was in the senior class play, Godspell.
Okay. Pipe down, Pippin.
I didn't do Pippin.
Pippin was not as good of a musical.
Crystal, you wanna give--
Crystal, you wanna give up?
No.
Whoo!
[referee] No, she's doin' it! She's doin' it!
Go!
One, two--two.
Two.
-Hey! Hey! -[grunts in pain]
Hey, where are you going? Get back in here!
No más! Ah!
[crowd booing]
Don't look at me. I'm still here.
Y'all came to see wrestling, right?
[rock music playing on speakers]
♪ ♪
[crowd chanting "Gully"]
♪ ♪
Crystal Tyler!
That's a great name.
You got a lot of guts coming down here,
taking on my number one lady, Venus Cancer.
Hey, Kevin, give her a mic.
Crystal, you and I need to talk.
Talk about what? How your wrestler is a coward?
-[crowd] Ooh! -Venus is not a coward.
She was just following orders.
My orders, because this is my ring, and I am God!
[crowd cheering]
I wanted to see
the Crystal Tyler show in person.
You have come a long way in a very short time.
From valet, to DWL champ, to women's champ,
to pound-for-pound the toughest S-O-B in the DWL.
It's true!
[crowd] Yeah!
But tonight, I have been reminded
of a very important botanical truth.
Even in a shit pile like the DWL,
a lovely rose can still bloom.
[crowd laughs]
Okay, so to me, the real sin is to leave that rose
growing in a shit pile.
Oh, Hole-i-o, please bring me my briefcase.
[crowd cheering]
Listen up, Crystal.
I wanna be in the Crystal Tyler business.
I wanna see you realize your full potential,
not selfishly,
but for the industry that we both love.
I wanna build the Crystal Tyler brand,
so please, just take a seat and hear my pitch.
Sit. Sit. Sit.
[crowd chanting "sit"]
Come on. You're my guest.
Sit down.
Please just sit.
[crowd cheers]
I need Crystal Tyler pay-per-views.
Crystal Tyler action figures.
Crystal Tyler home goods.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
We both know that as long as you stay in the DWL,
that will never happen.
Jack Spade can't take you to the top, but I can.
[crowd] Yeah!
You know, Rooster used to be with the DWL, but, Rooster,
before you started working with me, what kind of car
-did you drive? -Tercel.
[laughter]
It's a fine car. It's a fine car,
but what kind of car are you driving now?
Lamborghini.
[crowd] Whoo!
I can make you a star beyond your wildest dreams.
Crystal Tyler, I want you to join
Florida Wrestling Dystopia!
[crowd roaring]
[crowd chanting "yes"]
You know, being born in Duffy means being born
into low expectations.
When you come from nothing, it's okay to not succeed.
It's probably why I never thought of myself
being worth a damn.
Mr. Gully, I have been through stuff that no kid
should ever have to go through,
overcame way more than I should have.
And just when I thought
I couldn't squeeze out any more fight,
the Spade brothers gave me a home.
And I'm not talking about a home
with a fireplace and a big-screen TV
and a comfy, cozy couch.
No, I'm talking about a home that was built for me.
The ring.
Because in the ring,
all the bullshit that used to bury me
can't even touch me!
And so, for that, I'm forever grateful for the Spade family.
[crowd] Boo!
But this is a business,
and it's a nasty one, at that.
And there is no one looking out for me now except for me.
[audience groans]
Truth is, Mr. Gully,
I deserve everything you offer and then some.
Mm-hmm.
You want Crystal Tyler in Dystopia?
-[Gully] Let's hear it, folks! -[crowd cheering]
[Gully] Let's hear it!
Well, then you know what?
My answer is...
...hell no!
I ain't no sellout, and I am never working
for a bottom-feeding maggot like you.
DWL for life!
[crowd booing]
Go on! Get out of here!
[Gully] All right.
First, I just wanna say ow.
And now that you've done the loyalty act,
let's get down to business.
Help me out, Hole.
This right here is a two-year contract
for you to join FWD,
and right here...
is $100,000!
[crowd] Whoo!
A bonus for signing it!
Did Jack Spade ever give you this kind of an opportunity?
No, he did not.
You will never see this amount of money
for as long as you're with Jack Spade and the DWL,
no matter how hard you grind,
no matter how much you deserve it.
But you work for me, you will be set for life.
Work for me, and you have security
for you and your loved ones.
Or are you gonna throw away
the biggest opportunity of your life
for some silly and blind devotion to Jack Spade?
[crowd chanting "sign"]
Sign! Sign! Sign!
Hey, Gully!
-[crowd] Boo! -Shut up!
You get the hell away from her!
[crowd booing]
[Gully] All right. Let's hear him.
Let's hear him out.
[Jack] Maybe you're hard of hearing,
but you cannot buy Crystal Tyler!
She's no sellout, like you!
[crowd] Boo!
Well, well, well, Jack.
It's, uh, not really a surprise,
you showing up here tonight.
I see how you're looking at Rooster,
like the one who got away, and so you're here, now,
beg Crystal to not leave too.
[Jack] No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Crystal Tyler chooses her own words!
I'm not here to plead with her to stay.
I'm here to fight by her side!
She's always had my back, and I will always have hers!
Crystal's not here to have your back.
She's here to stab you in it!
[crowd] Oh!
[Crystal] Whoo!
Yeah!
[laughs]
[quietly] Nice writing, Jack.
[Crystal] Whoo! [laughs]
Yes!
Bye-bye, Jack.
Looks like we got a deal!
Whoo! Dystopia!
Whoo!
[crowd cheering]
Whoo-hoo!
Looks like Jack's waking up a bit!
Get him!
[crowd chanting "fight"]
[circuits humming]
[switch clangs]
[heroic music plays]
♪ ♪
[loud impacts]
[wrestlers groaning]
[crowd murmuring confusedly]
Wherever you are, Jack Spade, this isn't over!
Dystopia for life!
[crowd roars]
Yeah!
Yessir!
Pop on that zipline was fucking incredible!
Aw, dude, you wrote the shit out of that.
-Crystal. -Yeah.
Crystal. Jesus.
Hey, how long do you think it'll take
for the arena to clear?
Hopefully soon. I gotta piss.
Just go here. I'll move.
What?
[crowd cheering]
Yeah! Whoo!
Yeah!
[crowd cheering, chanting "Gully is God"]
[Brooks] Excuse me.
Somebody told me that you work with Crystal Tyler
and the Spade brothers.
I do.
I'm Brooks Rizzo.
I would love to know more about them.
Like what?
Everything.
["Long Cool Woman" playing]
♪ ♪
[singer] ♪ Saturday night I was downtown ♪
♪ Working for the FBI ♪
♪ Sittin' in a nest Of bad men ♪
♪ Whiskey bottles Piling high ♪
♪ Bootlegging boozer On the west side ♪
♪ Full of people Who are doing wrong ♪
♪ Just about to call up The DA man ♪
♪ When I heard this woman Sing a song ♪
♪ ♪
♪ A pair of 45's Made me open my eyes ♪
♪ My temperature started To rise ♪
♪ She was a long cool woman In a black dress ♪
♪ Just-a 5'9" beautiful tall ♪
♪ With just one look I was a bad mess ♪
♪ 'Cause that long Cool woman had it all ♪
♪ Had it all ♪
♪ Ooh had it all ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Ah, she had it all ♪