- ♪ Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ♪
♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ♪
♪ Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ♪
♪ Heroes in the half shell, Turtle power ♪
♪ Rising up against evil Paint the city green ♪
♪ Raph is ready for a fight Leo's making a scene ♪
♪ Mikey's got mad skills Donnie rocks machines ♪
♪ With each other they discover ♪
♪ Their destiny and rise ♪
♪ Cowabunga Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ♪
♪ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Heroes in a half shell ♪
♪ Turtle power Rise ♪
[booming]
Red Fox. Thank the moons.
The evil count and his robot vampires ambushed me.
Side note--that black hole machine's about to suck up
the galaxy in six seconds.
In six seconds?
Leaping light years. There's only one thing to do.
[shouting in slow motion]
[tense music]
♪ ♪
[machine whirring down]
[upbeat music]
- Yeah! - Whoo!
Sometimes I think he won't save the galaxy in time,
but then he does!
Um, are we still movie marathoning,
or is that the real Jupiter Jim signal?
[groans]
Oh, boy. I hope that's not--
and it is.
Well, if it isn't my alien turtle allies.
A pleasure.
Alas, I was hoping my signal
would bring back to me my dear friend Red Fox.
You mean the one you kidnapped,
like how you kidnapped everyone else?
You're not gonna kidnap us, are you?
No. Of course not.
Can you ever forgive me for acting like--
You're forgiven!
Then it's good that you've come.
Red Fox has abandoned me,
and an alien invader threatens life on Earth.
I need help.
One of you four must become my new sidekick.
- Gasping. - Your Jupiter-ness,
I would be honored to be your--
and now I'm tearing up here-- sidekick.
Guys, I get it.
When we were toddler mutant ninja turtles we all dreamed
of being JJ's sidekick, but he's not a real superhero.
Remember, he's a crazy actor who thinks he's Jupiter Jim.
But--but--but fun?
Fine.
You three have your fun, but if any real crime--
Okay, Mr. Jim. We are in!
Sham-pow!
Tryouts will begin stardate now.
Ugh.
Just make this stardate quick.
♪ ♪
Huh? Whoa.
D, the captain's chair is not for sidekicks.
Though, as JJ's biggest fan, maybe you deserve to sit in it.
♪ ♪
Hmm.
♪ ♪
What's this?
What?
Leo, a sidekick, sitting in the captain's chair?
For shame.
Minus one space point for blue.
Everyone starts with 50 space points.
First to 53 wins.
He couldn't have started at zero?
Blue, minus another space point,
for asking questions about space points.
Now, the reason you're here...
Wow.
You've got to tell me who your yarn guy is.
This is the alien I've been tracking.
Scorpion.
I don't know what he's planning,
but he's been spotted at the bomb factory and the zoo.
[groans]
Let's go ahead and get this competition started,
so Leo can lose more points.
Trial one--weapons.
If we are to handle Scorpion's alien powers,
you must be as proficient with my tech as Red Fox was.
Now, engage. Winner gets a space point.
♪ ♪
[phone dialing] [cell phone rings]
Ooh, give me one second. I'm getting a call.
Ugh!
[device beeps] - [laughing]
That is what you get for playing space camp
with Captain Coo-Coo.
Trial Two--mortal peril.
Often, I'm in danger.
More often, you're in danger.
It's like living inside a Jupiter Jim comic!
Scorpion may capture you,
so show me who's got the best screams of helplessness,
so that I can find you.
By the rings of Jupiter, save me!
Save me pretty, pretty, pretty please!
Save me, and I'll throw in a free month of IT support!
Ha! Look at you guys.
Fake whining over clearly fake acid.
[slurping]
all: Ahh!
It burns!
The sweet, bubbly acid burns!
Oh, wait, it's just soda.
[chuckles]
- Trial three.
Trial three-- taking out henchmen,
because Scorpion may have minions.
Jaw drop.
Wow, you spare no expense on your training exercises.
Still silly, just expensive silly.
Space points for every hench bot you take out.
Sidekick ahoy! [grunts]
Oh, that's cheating.
Just preparing you for when allies suddenly become foes.
[laughing] - Like this!
Nice, orange. Plus one space point.
You know I don't like to share.
Well, I've made my decision.
Probably best to let the losers down abruptly.
Agreed. Red, you're my new sidekick.
- What? - Me?
Yes! Yes, yes, yes!
In your face!
And yours. And yours again.
What? You didn't even want the job.
That was before I won.
Red wasn't even in the competition!
Yes, but he's red, and I'm used to red sidekicks.
You wouldn't understand. It's a red thing.
All right, Red Fox 2,
let's go save the world from Scorpion.
♪ ♪
[sneaky music]
♪ ♪
Have you seen a man who looks like a scorpion?
Snitches get stitches. I understand.
♪ ♪
Come on, pal. We know you know something.
[groaning]
♪ ♪
- Sidekick montages are fun.
Can you believe Raph stealing our fake sidekick job?
I don't think I'm overreacting
when I say he is no longer a member of this family.
Wait. Maybe this is a test.
Sir Jupiter wants us to keep fighting to be his sidekick.
And I know exactly who can help.
That loony goofus is still obsessed with Scorpion?
All those years saving the galaxy together,
and not a single "thank you," thumbs-up,
or patronizing hair ruffle. That's why I left.
He's out there looking for you, you know?
Leaping light years. Really?
I mean whatevs.
Let that hot dog find another sidekick.
Yeah, whatevs.
Ah!
Did your tail just-- [gasps]
Are you a mutant?
No. What's a mutant?
Oh, so you're a yokai then?
Uh, yeah-- I mean, no.
I mean this is-- this is just a costume.
Dude, no need for secrets here.
[dramatic music]
Whoa. You're--you're real turtle men?
- Real as rain, baby. - Look, guys,
I just want to move past this whole cosmic kerfuffle
and focus on the serious art of acting.
Two minutes until you're shot
out of the space alligator's nose, Ms. Fox.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I must get into character,
before I climb into the snot cannon.
♪ ♪
I really thought that camel alien
was going to spill the beans. [cans clattering]
Someone's following us, Red Fox 2.
Quick, duck into that zoo storage facility.
You mean into that creepy and poorly-lit dead end
with probably no exits
and where we'll be totally trapped?
Sure thing, boss! Having fun is fun.
Gotta say this part isn't all that fun.
[laughing]
You walked right into my trap.
Scorpion.
Wait. This is real?
You may have found my stinger bombs and vat of acid,
but you'll never foil my plan, space freak.
- You're a real alien? - Alien?
No.
My coworkers at the zoo locked me in the scorpion pit
where I got bit by some glowy, green bug.
A mutant? Of course.
Wow, Raph really whiffed on this one.
Now, once you two are blown into bits,
and your bits are dissolved in acid,
I can carry out my truly evil plan of exterminating
my old coworkers and that one camel.
[laughing] [devices beep]
In all my years with Red Fox, we never got trapped together.
I blame you.
Sham-pow! Real sidekicks in the house.
Hold up.
You made your own alien Scorpion plus bombs and acid?
Respect.
No, no, guys, it's all real! Dude's a mutant!
Pretty sure he's an alien.
You three, free me so I can stop the stinger bombs.
Don't listen to him. This ain't a Jupiter Jim comic.
You gotta defuse the bombs yourselves!
Sidekicks defusing bombs?
What is this, a Lou Jitsu movie?
[grunts]
[all shouting]
Ah!
Guys, Red's right. Real acid.
Real mutant. - [grunts]
[laughs] [grunts]
Ah! Ah!
Feels like it might be time to stop listening
to our comic book leader and do our real leaders thing.
[screams]
[exciting music]
[devices beeping]
[snarls]
[device beeps]
Ahh! [breathing heavily]
Okay. Well, try to stop this.
Ahh!
[snarls]
- Red Fox one? - Holy nebulas!
You've come back to me.
♪ ♪
Defeated by a band of freaks! [grunts]
We can still see you.
You have to move before the smoke clears.
- Oh, peanuts. - Good grab.
A million space points, old chum.
A million.
I still have a chance though, right?
I've done it again, for the 80th time.
Jupiter Jim saves the galaxy.
Ahem.
With the help of his sidekick Red Fox.
Thank you, my friend.
You thanked me! That's all I ever wanted.
Consider me no longer space mad at you.
Tough news, turtles.
The sidekick position has been refilled.
Farewell.
Well, I guess we learned our lesson.
Stay away from actors.
But if anyone is still looking for sidekick work,
I am interviewing.
- Pass. - Minus one Donnie point.