This programme contains adult humour
# Make a date, don't be late
# Cos you know it's going to be great
# When the irrepressible Browns come to town
# To begin, just tune in
# And you'll wear an ear-to-ear grin
# Watching Agnes and her clan act the clown
# Instead of feeling depressed
# Let laughter make you feel blessed
# So It's All Round To Mrs Brown's. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to All Round To Mrs Brown's!
Oh!
Hello!
I'm just... I'm just...
I'm just fixing young Bono's train set.
Look.
TRAIN WHISTLES
SHE LAUGHS
Choo-choo!
SHE LAUGHS
Oh, you see, he gets that from Grandad.
His grandad used to work on the trains. Yeah, he was a shunter.
LAUGHTER
Oh, yeah, if you were looking for a good shunt, he's your man.
LAUGHTER
Oh, but, anyway...
Welcome to another night of, um, another night of around at my...
At my house.
Cathy's got some great guests for tonight,
Lee Mack'll be here.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I know!
He's great on Would I Lie On You?
And the star of Silent Witness, gorgeous Emilia Fox is here.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And she really is a fox!
We found her eating out of the bin earlier on.
LAUGHTER
And you have to join us in Foley's later
because the legendary Billy Ocean will be performing!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I love Billy Ocean.
# When the going gets tough...
# The tough get going! #
LAUGHTER
Oh, it's Lee Mack!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, Lee.
Do sit down.
Is now a bad time? No, no, do come in.
You're more than welcome. Do sit down.
Would you like a cup of tea?
Yes, I'd love one, thanks.
LAUGHTER
Ha-ha, ha-ha.
Milk? Maybe not.
LAUGHTER
No, no, from the jug! Oh, right.
Yeah, go on.
SHE PANTS
Are you sure this is a good time? Yes, yes! Yes, I'm fine, just...
Thank you. Just a bit...
SHE GRUNTS
If I wasn't glued, I'd be enjoying this.
You wouldn't mind trying to help here, would you?
What do you want me to do?
Well, you could try and just pull my hands off, if you wouldn't mind.
HE GRUNTS
No. Wait! I have an idea.
You go behind...
Slide your hands under my hands. That's it.
Oh, my God, I have to say, they feel real.
So does yours.
APPLAUSE
BOTH: Oh!
Hold on, hold on!
Breathe in, there's solvent in the train.
Move... Let's get over towards...
..the remote.
There we go. TRAIN WHISTLES
There. Just back up, back up.
AUDIENCE: Oooh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You're not going to believe this, but I'm waiting for a train.
LAUGHTER
I'll come back later.
See you later, Trevor. OK, let's go down.
HE GROANS
OK, OK. I see why you're not on at eight o'clock.
Just give this... Just give this a couple of seconds.
Then I'm going to pull you off.
In three, two, one...
TEARING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh. Oh, well... I'm sorry about that, Lee.
So how are you?
Well, I was all right.
You know, Lee, if I said you were one of the most handsome people
I've ever seen on television... Yeah.
..would I be lying or telling the truth?
That would be... BUZZER
..a lie.
That would be... BUZZER
..true.
Is it hard coming up with new lies all the time?
It's not easy, we have to come up with quite a lot
because we've been doing it for 14, 15 years now.
And the problem is, we get on very well,
so I'll be out with David having a drink, I'll say.
"You won't believe what happened to me the other day."
He'll go, "What?"
And then I'll go, "Oh, I can't tell you."
And it just goes quiet for about ten minutes.
It's very dull afternoons out together.
Ha-ha-ha. Well, the show is not dull. It's the fun...
ONE of the funniest things on television.
You changed that quickly. I did, yes!
Apart from Not Going Out, it's fabulous. Oh, thank you.
How many years now? That's been on since 2006.
So 14 years.
14 years? Or if you are watching this episode on Dave, 28 years.
LAUGHTER
Now, you love your darts. I love darts.
Do you play? Oh, yeah.
Double top!
I know you do this trick you do... Yeah. ..with teabags. I do.
I do throw teabags.
I can't make a cup of tea without trying to get it into the cup,
like a dart... Really?! ..you know, and I'm pretty good at it.
Do you mind having a go? You want to see this!
APPLAUSE
I mean, I don't want to take this too seriously,
but they are the wrong type of teabags, but whatever.
I don't think so.
Oh, hello. Hello, baby. You got the pyramid ones. Yes.
The pyramid ones. Now, how far do you need to be?
Well, is that the cup you're making me go in? No, no. It's way over...
Yes, that's it.
OK. You've got to get it really tight into your hand.
Really right into your hand very tightly. Yeah?
And then you just go like that and you go like that.
BUZZER
AUDIENCE: Oh!
Don't worry.
BUZZER Oh!
Nothing for two in a bed. This is definitely live, is it?
Yes, it is, yes.
BUZZER BOTH: OH!
That was close. That was so close!
That was almost the speed boat, wasn't it? Trajectory was perfect.
Close-up on the mug. Close-up on the mug.
CHEERING
Amazing! Here, you'd better get ready for Cathy's show. Oh, yes!
Ladies and gentlemen, Lee Mack! Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Uh-oh! Oh, God!
THEY GRUNT
Thank you, Lee.
What a lovely man! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We'll be seeing a lot more of Lee later.
Oh, hello, Trevor, love.
CHEERING
What the hell was that all about?
It wasn't what it looked like, love, I promise you.
More's the pity.
Sit down, Mammy, I want to ask you something. Yes, love?
Can I move back in here for a while?
Of course! This is your home.
It'll just be for a few weeks.
You know, well, until you go back on the missions?
No, until I get my own apartment. I'm not going back on the missions.
AUDIENCE: Aw! What?!
I'm done with it, Mammy.
I look at the world today. It's gone crazy.
Giant corporations are gobbling up everything.
The planet is dying and poverty is just getting worse and worse.
I'm wasting my time.
Oh, well, you know, it means I'll have you more at home,
so it's good for me.
But are you sure, Trevor?
Yeah, I'm sure. Look, if God wanted me to stay, he'd give me a sign.
I suppose...
Well, the light is still burning on the Sacred Heart.
That's a sign. LIGHT BULB FIZZLES
See?
Oh. AUDIENCE: Aw!
It's only a loose bulb, it's just a loose...
Well, it's no big deal. Well, I want one!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Rory, the deal was always you decorate and I furnish,
and that's that!
Just one thing! No!
What has you two here?
I was just checking to see when Emilia Fox is coming to us
for her make-up, Mrs Brown.
She is due any minute now.
You should be getting down there now.
Thank you.
Prrrrrr. Hm!
APPLAUSE
Mammy, nearly ready to go!
Just a minute, Cathy.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
Hello, Betty, how do you do?
Yeah, Betty... You have a hardware store near you, don't you?
Yes, I'll call you later. I need you to get something for me.
Right, then, it's time for The Cathy Brown Show.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Time to go
# Here we go
# The Cathy Brown Show. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome to
The Cathy Brown Show with me, Cathy Brown.
And with me! Ha-ha-ha-ha.
We've got a fantastic show for you tonight. Fantastic show.
Really fantastic show. I have this, Mammy.
He is one of the country's best-loved comedians
and we are delighted he's here.
It's the brilliant Lee Mack!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Plus, we have one of the country's best-loved actresses,
she's part of acting royalty and keeps us on
the edge of our seats in the wonderful Silent Witness,
it's Emilia Fox.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
So please welcome Lee and Emelia.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello. Hello, you are very welcome.
Thank you for having me. Thank you for having me.
Welcome.
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
You are a wonderful woman. I'm so excited to be here.
You're a princess. Shall I sit here?
Sit down, sit down, make yourselves comfortable.
See, you are both very welcome. How are you doing? It's so lovely...
FOX-HUNT HORN
LAUGHTER
Oh, foxy boys.
Buster!
Lovely guests.
This is for Emelia.
Yeah, that's right. Because she's so foxy!
FOXEY LADY PLAYS
That is very disturbing.
Hold it! I don't think I've seen anything so terrifying in my life!
OK, you too, now, fox off!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Now, Buster!
FOX-HUNT HORN
Sorry about that, guys.
I don't agree with fox hunting, but I'm coming round to the idea.
So, Emilia, you've just been back on our screens with Silent Witness.
The 23rd series. I know. Can you believe that?
There's a picture of you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's still as popular as ever.
And you love it, don't you? I love it.
I've been doing it for 15 years, I think, now,
and I still love it like the first day I started.
And working with dead bodies? You've no problem with that?
LAUGHTER
Well, you've coped.
LAUGHTER
Are you OK, Mammy? I'm fine.
I've no idea who he's talking about.
But is it challenging?
Um, well, the challenging thing is making them
as comfortable as possible
because very often our dead bodies are live bodies.
Oh, lovely. And some actors have been known to snore.
Oh, my God!
You have to very gently wake them up in the middle of the postmortem.
"Excuse me for waking you, we're just doing your liver." Yeah.
Just taking out your insides.
Yes, but is there a real butcher on the set?
We probably should have a real butcher on set,
but, actually, we go to the butcher
and then we ask for all the things that are sort of leftovers
that they can give us,
like intestines and hearts and livers and things.
The smell must be horrendous! The smell is horrific.
And I've been in real postmortems, and they really smell,
but, actually, when you have a pig's intestines
dolloped in front of you and then you are asked to handle them...
If you've just switched on, it's a comedy show!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
So, Lee... Yes. You've been doing Not Going Out, of course.
The family. With my three fictional children. What a wonderful family.
I just... It's my favourite programme. Oh, thank you.
Back at school, your teachers didn't think
you were destined for a life in comedy.
Well, I've got a school report which I found and it said,
it said, "Sooner or later,
"Lee will realise that joking around in class will get him nowhere."
Ha-ha!
LAUGHTER
The boring bit of that story is that he was right,
cos it takes hard work, but don't use that in the edit, use that.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Emilia, you had to be destined for acting.
Um, well, I didn't really want to be an actress,
but I was such an appalling waitress and eventually I got fired,
demoted from various jobs waitressing
and eventually I got a job in the holidays, acting.
And so I did that rather than waitressing one summer
and that sort of began it all.
But I didn't want to do the same thing as the rest of my family.
As the rest of your family. Well, your dad, as we know, Edward Fox,
played the Jackal in Day Of The Jackal, famously.
APPLAUSE Oh! Thank you.
My memory of it is seeing Dad kissing someone
and then I was like, "Oh, I don't want to see this."
And so that was it. There's a lovely picture of you with your dad here.
What's happening here?
Oh, I think he had pneumonia or something like that.
Or were you practising for your current role? Yeah, exactly.
"Open wide, ahhhh."
Because your whole family were involved in acting,
you must have had some showbiz-y parties at home
when you were younger?
Well, the one I really remember was going to my uncle's party
and I was little and didn't know anyone, of course,
but I saw this very sort of, like, glamorous couple coming in
and he was wearing sunglasses
and he stayed wearing his sunglasses all through the party.
And, anyway, of course, when I got older,
I realised that was Jack Nicholson.
Wow! But throughout the whole evening, he was wearing sunglasses.
And your parents were publicans. Is that right? They were, yeah.
They sound like great characters. They were... They liked to party.
They were always doing lock-ins.
Remember the old days when pubs weren't open in the afternoon? Yes!
I'm allowed to say they were doing illegal activity
cos they're not alive. LAUGHTER
Statute of limitations. Yeah.
They are alive, but they said, "If you ever say anything
"that we're criminals, just say... follow it with, 'We're not alive.' "
LAUGHTER
For absolute clarity, they're not alive.
My dad once told me, because he was a proper Northern bloke,
and he had a perm and a 'tache, in the '80s, and he said...
I used to have very long, thin, straight greasy hair.
And he went... He was so disappointed in my hair,
and he said, "Why don't you act like a proper man and get a perm?"
LAUGHTER
And I did!
So, Lee, tell us about your new sitcom.
Yes, well, I'm doing a new one called Semi-Detached
which is the first sitcom I've been in that I haven't written.
Or just the second sitcom I've ever been in. And there I am.
Yes, there you are. That's my... That's a good look, isn't it?
Is that your own moustache? That is my own moustache.
I had a beard and I shaved it off just down to the moustache.
And the problem is, I found myself apologising to people,
saying, "Just so you know, I'm doing a show.
"That's what this is about."
You are just missing your '80s perm.
I know. That's what my dad looked... Imagine that with a perm.
And that's what my mum looked like.
The one in the middle.
Very small bald woman.
When you are writing yourself,
do you have a special writing space in your house?
I do. I've written with different people over the years.
There was one particular guy, I had to stop writing with him,
because we used to do Skype. The problem is, this guy was bald.
And the reason I mention that is
because you'll understand what I'm about to say. OK.
He would not start a Skype session
until he'd played his favourite game.
And his favourite game was Bollock or Head.
LAUGHTER
Oh, no!
And he was...
And I would always be looking, going, "Oh, not again."
And I would pray. I would go,
"Is it your head? Please be your head!"
And he'd pull away, and he'd go, "NO!"
And that's how I started my days. How long did this game go on for?
Oh, many a month, I tell you.
"I think we should stop this now and just do it by telephone."
Emilia, you have some really difficult lines on Silent Witness,
but I believe you have some really interesting techniques
to learn them.
Well, I try and remember them with...
Because sometimes they're so complicated.
Until we are actually with the pathologist on set
showing us exactly what we have to do to fit the action to the words,
you're just learning it at home, sort of parrot fashion.
And, so, I try and use sort of riddles
or charades or something like that,
but there is one phrase which has stayed with me for years now.
And we were talking about
"anti-psychotics with a high-binding affinity
"for adrenergic and M1 muscarinic receptors."
Wow!
APPLAUSE
I don't know why I remember it!
I tell you what, she's going to have to work on her catchphrases.
Yeah, it's not a good opening line at a party.
I know, but I don't know why I remember that particular phrase.
You won't forget Head or Bollock, I tell you that!
LAUGHTER
Do you have any special acting techniques, Lee?
Let's just say if there is a magazine in the shot,
I'm probably reading it.
If I was to turn it round, you'd see lots of words.
I'm often looking into coffee cups like that,
written in a circle round the coffee cup like that.
But before you did comedy, you had a list of jobs.
I did, yeah. And... Go through some of them for us.
Well, just let me move this cushion out of the way a little bit.
Um...
LAUGHTER
The producer said to me in advance,
"They might talk about your previous jobs,"
and I said, "I'll never remember it."
So...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE Have a little look at that.
So, um, if you get rid of that in the edit, and I'll just go,
"Well, that's a good question, Cathy." OK.
Now it looks like I'm aroused
and I don't want to talk to you, doesn't it?
LAUGHTER That's just awful.
Right, so I was, in no particular order, a mobile DJ... OK.
..a Bluecoat at Pontins, I worked in a bingo hall.
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Way!
LAUGHTER
Someone has got a full house at the back there.
And a stableboy. A stableboy?
Where? Where? In my home town of Southport and it was, er...
..probably the most famous racehorse of all time, Red Rum.
Oh, the greatest... Three-time winner of the Grand National. Yeah.
Genuinely true, on the first day, I...
The boss, Ginger McCain, brilliant trainer, and he said...he was in
the stables with me, and he said, "Pick up that horse poo." Right?
So I went off. He says, "Where you going?" I said, "To get a shovel."
He said, "No, no. You'll be here all day if you start
"doing that. You put your hands round it..." ALL: Urgh!
"..and you pick it up. You get a little bit of hay, a bit of straw,
"and you throw it in the muck wagon.
"You'll be doing it all day, otherwise." I said, "All right."
Later on that day, there was a mangy old dog
that used to live in the stables and he did a poo in the yard.
And the boss went, "Clear that up, will you?" And I thought it was a test.
LAUGHTER
And everyone's looking at me, and I went,
and I looked at the shovel and I looked at the poo,
I thought, "Well, he told me the rules." So I went over, like that,
and as I was just about to touch it, he went,
"Not with your hands, you filthy sod!"
"You said..." "Not dog shit! Horse shit!"
I was so on edge all the time.
APPLAUSE
So my job was to just muck them out and take them for walks.
I used to take Red Rum for walks
because he was too old, at that point, to run, to race.
He was about 20. Where would you take him? Just around the site?
I once took him to my nan's house. Seriously?
Honest to God, I walked him round the corner, I knocked on my nan's
house - she's going to be so excited, you know - and I went,
"You're not going to believe who this is." She went, "Who?" I went, "Red Rum."
And she went, "I don't care. Get him off me lawn."
LAUGHTER
Walked him back home again.
OK.
After all that, it's time to bring out one of my guest's mammies.
So please welcome Emilia's mammy.
If they're acting royalty, she's the Queen.
Joanna David.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Boys!
Ooh! Mrs Brown!
I'm so overexcited to meet you!
Sit down, Joanna. Make yourself comfortable.
Oh, Emilia, you've got to take your mother out more.
LAUGHTER
Oh, Mrs Brown, my heart. Can you see it? It's coming out of my body!
You nearly pulled mine out of mine! LAUGHTER
I must say, from the moment I saw you earlier on,
your dress is divine. Mine?
You look absolutely stunning and
Emilia looks like she just didn't bother. LAUGHTER
Well, Joanna, you are no stranger to the camera yourself.
You've been an actress now for how many years?
50 years. 50 years!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
How would you describe your relationship with Emilia?
"I'm her mother."
LAUGHTER
I am her mother, yes. Are you my mother? Yes. I think I am. Oh, good.
Oh, you would know straight away. You could be sisters.
Their father... I don't know if I'm allowed to say this on television...
Try it. ..but we always joke in the family,
that he only does it once every 15 years,
because my stepdaughter is 15 years between Millie,
and 15 years between Millie and our son.
And what does he do in the meantime?
Not enough.
LAUGHTER
Mammy, why don't you take Joanna into the kitchen for a private chat?
Joanna, you and me, into the kitchen for a private chat,
and you can tell me all about Millie's old boyfriends.
Come along with me.
APPLAUSE
Oh, no, no.
LAUGHTER
It's not musical chairs! Oh!
Here is a little thing I brewed myself. It's called, "No Way, Rose."
Oh, my goodness. Has it got alcohol in it?
No, no!
LAUGHTER You'll be fine. Cheers!
Can I do a toast in Irish?
SPEAKS GAELIC
What? Up your bum! Up my bum?
Up yours! Up yours!
So you're quite the family dynasty.
You know, with Edward and yourself and Millie.
Was it natural that she would end up in the business?
Well... Was she a natural actress?
We never talked about her wanting to be an actress.
I still say, I'm afraid, I'm not politically correct,
or whatever the word is.
Well, you say whatever you want to say. LAUGHTER
She filled in her UCAS form, that thing that you do before university.
It may not be called that any more.
Said she wanted to be a journalist. Oh.
So we never discussed acting, ever.
She would have made a great journalist. Yes.
Do you think? Yes!
I do. Well, I...
She will be thrilled to have such a compliment from you.
SLURRING: Well, it's my pleasure.
How exciting.
Oh, Millie, you won't be getting us back very soon.
Oh, Mrs Brown.
Yes, Joanna? I've got to tell you... Please do.
There's a wonderful, wonderful, beloved friend of mine called
Phyllida Law. Wow, Phyllida Law.
And we both, unfortunately, have the same problem when we're nervous -
we fart.
LAUGHTER
And, anyway, I think she's the bigger farter than me...
Law's the bigger farter.
..but I did say I would mention her on your show
because she is the biggest fan of yours you will ever realise.
You know, most of my fans seem to have the same buckin' problem.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE Can I tell you a story? Me? Yes.
Last time I was in Dublin...
Oh, my favourite city. You're here now.
..was years ago. We're here, aren't we? Yes. Yes, we are. Yes!
LAUGHTER
Well, anyway,
I had then, Edward was my boyfriend. Right.
I was very young, 22 or something, 23? Oh.
And he had his daughter, who was called, is called Lucy, aged 11.
I thought, well, I'm going to really try and amuse her and keep her happy
while her mum and dad are talking about everything... All right.
..to do with her. Yes.
So I said to her, "Have you ever seen a fart ignited?"
LAUGHTER
Matches! We need matches! Matches!
Sorry. Go on. Well, anyway, I...
Somebody did it to me at dra...
I mean, lit a fart, my fart, at drama school,
and it blew my... Blew the arse off you?
Yes. Blew the arse off me.
So I said to Lucy,
Just one second. One second. No, stay where you are! Stay where you are!
Where are you going? Emilia! Your mother's not embarrassing at all.
LAUGHTER
She was just worried. You're fine.
So go on, your arse has blown off...
I said to Lucy, "Darling,
"would you like to see one of your farts ignited?"
Because I thought it would amuse her.
Anyway, I said "Well, get on the floor now.
"and I'll put your legs over your head..."
LAUGHTER
and I was ready to ignite the fart, and she'd fainted.
LAUGHTER
But, anyway, her parents were appalled.
I tried to keep her amused, and I'd tried to ignite her farts...
I don't know why! What is WRONG with them?
They've no sense of...humour!
APPLAUSE I'm sorry, what a stupid story.
So, tell me, what was Emilia like with boyfriends?
Oh, my God.
Be careful, Mum.
What? I'll be very, very careful.
Oh, well, I think...
You, sort of, try and like every one. Yes, yes. You do. You do. You have to.
Every one?
Then you're disappointed when that one goes and another one comes...
Yes. Comes on the scene... Mum! Stop! Stop, now!
Before it's too late!
Emilia, I'm really sorry but you are starting to sound a bit like a slut.
LAUGHTER
Jesus Christ!
Have some more.
Yes, I will.
Are you sure you won't have a drink? You might get to loosen up a bit!
LAUGHTER
Oh, Jesus.
Now, we've got some lovely photographs. Oh, I love this.
This is Emilia, now. See this?
AUDIENCE: Awww.
Look at that. I love this photograph.
Again. This is with Mammy and Daddy. My God. Look at you.
Who's that woman looking over the top?
Oh, where?
Oh, there?
That woman is me, I think.
Really? Yes.
Stunningly beautiful. Oh, don't be ridiculous. No, no, really.
The only thing I can say is, what the hell is going on here?
LAUGHTER
Is that the Tortoise and the Hare? Yes!
And look at Edward's codpiece!
Ooh, dear.
And Millie's the tortoise. Yes, she is. Never mind.
I'm still looking at the codpiece.
LAUGHTER
Oh, anyway, God, what am I saying?
You're saying... You're saying all the right things.
I don't know. I don't know if I've met a more interesting women in my life.
You're such a liar! No, really. Ooh!
APPLAUSE
Unbelievable.
Let's get you back inside, with Millie. Come on. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Joanna.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, Betty.
AUDIENCE CHEERS
All right, love. Hello, Mrs Brown.
I just met Billy Ocean on the way in. I know. He's so sexy!
Oh, ho, ho! Yeah, well, you leave him to me.
You just pick on somebody your own age.
Did you get what I asked you to get?
Yeah, well... Is this for Bono's train set?
Exactly. Yeah. Bono's train set.
All right. I'm off.
I'll see you later. See you later.
APPLAUSE
Chef Ali in the house. CHEERING
Reggae!
# Mr Boombastic Tell me fantastic
# Touch me on the back She says I'm Mr Ro...
# ..mantic, and me fantastic
# She touch me on the back, # She says I'm Mr Rohhh... #
OK, Chef. What are you doing for us?
It's my new one-minute meal where I
can cook the meal faster than any other chef in TV. Oh!
A delicious mouthful in a minute!
LAUGHTER
It sounds gorgeous. OK, Chef,
well, you know what? I know exactly who'd like this vegan dessert...
Billy Ocean! Billy!
Come in, Billy! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Please to meet you. Sorry I'm late.
No, you're not. Sorry.
You are not late at all. Don't be a silly billy.
Don't be a Silly Billy! Hah!
Reggae!
MUSIC: When The Going Gets Tough The Tough Get Going by Billy Ocean
We'd better stop or this fellow will cook nothing.
Is this going to make me fart?
No.
No, but I have a woman in next door who will make you fart.
Now, Chef. You only have 60 seconds to cook this meal. No dairy.
No nothing in it. So you're going to like it. Tofu.
Tofu? You tell me as we're going along. Let's get it started.
OK. You have 60 seconds until you hear the gong.
One minute starts in three...
AUDIENCE: ..two.....one...
Go!
Here we go with the tofu. This is the tofu.
It goes in. OK, Chef.
What's this? This is the chocolate. Chocolate and tofu?
No dairy. OK, Chef.
What's this? It doesn't sound inviting, but...
Use the tofu just like a base. What's that?
That's maple syrup.
Maple syrup. A pinch of salt,
A pinch of salt. A little vanilla.
A little bit of vanilla.
And... Tell me you're going to turn the blender on!
Yeah. How are we doing for time?
BLENDER WHIRS OK?
Lovely. Thank you.
That's about it.
OK, Chef.
How are we doing? In 10...
ALL: Nine.
Eight. Seven.
Six.
Five. Four.
Three. Two.
One.
GONG CRASHES
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Look at that!
It does look good. That's really good. Really good. Thank you. Really.
Let's have a taste. Let's have a taste.
There you go, Billy. That's you.
Let's... Let's taste this.
Go on. You go first. Thank you. I've never eaten tofu.
Have you eaten tofu? I love tofu. Well, I have never eaten it.
Not with chocolate, though. I've never eaten it with chocolate.
I've never eaten it ever.
Oh, my God. That's gorgeous. You're still alive. OK.
No, it's beautiful. LAUGHTER
It's beautiful.
Wow. Don't fart.
I'm holding it in. It's fantastic. It's absolutely beautiful.
Chef Ali! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, Billy, Chef Ali is going to take you down to Foley's.
But before you go, reggae!
# Mr Lover Lover, mmm
# Mr Lover Lover
# She call me Mr Boombastic
# Say me fantastic
# Touch me on the back... #
Stop! I'm getting aroused.
Billy, Chef Ali's going to take you. Chef Ali and Billy Ocean!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well, on that note, that's all we have time for
on The Cathy Brown Show. Oh! Thanks to all my guests tonight.
Lee Mack... Thank you. CHEERING
Thank you very much.
..Emilia Fox... CHEERING
..and, of course, her gorgeous Mammy, Joanna David!
Oh, no! CHEERING
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.
Buster Brady, was it you that changed my sign?
Big babies.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I've ordered chips for you and me, Agnes. Oh, thanks, Winnie.
Here, I see Trevor's wearing his dog collar again. Really? Yeah.
Excuse me.
Trevor. Yeah? You've changed your mind about the missions. Yes.
Why? What happened?
It's a miracle, Mammy. I woke up this morning,
I had the biggest sign of all.
LAUGHTER Oh, my God.
APPLAUSE
Are you OK? I'm fine.
What did you do with the red paint and the little brush I bought you?
I performed a miracle.
APPLAUSE
How long are these chips going to be? Oh, I'd say... Winnie!
Don't even start.
Oh, it's Billy Ocean!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Good to see you. Good to be here.
50 years in the business, Billy.
How did you keep it going for 50 years? Enjoyed it.
My father used to be a musician and it's all I ever wanted to do,
ever since I was very little,
and, by the grace of God, he granted me that wish.
Your songs are just absolutely magnificent. Thank you.
Love Really Hurts Without Lube. Thank you. Ha!
LAUGHTER
I...
LAUGHTER Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Back off!
You're a doctor of music now.
And MBE. MBE!
So you've a new album? I've got a new album out called One World
and it comes out on April 17th.
April 17th. A couple of weeks' time, so look out for that.
I'm touring and everything else, all right through the year.
Touring right through the year. Anything else you want to say?
When my guests come out, they usually, you know, serenade me
a little before they go into their full thing.
Any chance you might serenade a...sailor's ex-girlfriend?
Yeah, I'll sing you a love song. Thank you.
# I used to think that love was just a fairy tale
# Until that first hello
# Until that first smile
# But if I had to do it all again
# I wouldn't change a thing
# Cos this love is everlasting
# Suddenly
# Life has new meaning... #
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
You're going to sing your new single AND you're going to give us
a little bit of a classic as well. APPLAUSE
Go and get yourself ready!
Sharon! I'll have another drink!
Ladies and gentlemen, performing One World
and Love Really Hurts Without You, the legend that is Billy Ocean!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# So many people
# Living in the world today
# Trying to find an answer
# Searching for a better way
# So much demonstrations
# People voicing their opinion
# We got to find the solution
# What we need is a love revolution
#Cos we got... One world
# So let's take care of business
# Don't wait another day
# Cos we got... One love
# Mm, keep on holding on No letting go
# We got... One hope
# Delivering the message I came here to tell you that
# One dream
# Brothers and sisters You know what I mean
# Callous people out there
# In the world today
# Will burst your bubble
# Hurting by the games they play
# Cos we got One world
# So let's take care of business Can't wait another day
# We got... One love
# Mmm, keep on holding on No letting go
# One hope
# Delivering a message
# I came here to tell you that
# One dream
# Brothers and sisters You know what I mean. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# You run around town like a fool
# And you think that it's groovy
# You're givin' it to some other guy
# Who gives you the eye
# You don't give nothin' to me
# You painted a smile
# And you dress all the while to excite me
# Ooh, yes, you do Ooh, yes, you do
# But don't you know you're turning me on?
# I know that it's wrong
# I can't stop the pain inside me
# Baby, love really hurts without you... #
What do you say?
AUDIENCE: # Love really hurts without you
# And it's breaking my heart But what can I do?
# Baby, love really hurts without you
# Love really hurts through and through
# And it's breaking my heart But what can I do without you, yeah
# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
# Oh, baby
# Love really hurts without you
# My baby
# Love really hurts through and through
# Oh, oh, oh, oh
# And it's breaking my heart Yeah, yeah, yeah
# But what can I do without you? #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.
And this is where we wrap it up for tonight. Wow.
Emilia Fox is just beautiful, but you can't help feeling that
when she looks at you, she can see your kidneys.
LAUGHTER
And then you look at Emelia's stunning mother, Joanna.
You think she must have had Emilia when she was ten years old.
Lee Mack is a breath of fresh air.
He should be available on the National Health.
He makes me laugh so much and he makes me feel good
just by being part of his company.
And his company is doing very well, by the way.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
You know, I really do get where Trevor was coming from.
It's a scary, tumultuous world out there at the moment,
but you can't give up.
Just keep laughing, keep loving, and, above all, keep the faith.
Goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Make a date, don't be late
# Cos you know it's gonna be great
# When the irrepressible Browns come to town
# To begin, just tune in
# And you'll wear an ear-to-ear grin
# Watching Agnes and her clan act the clown
# Instead of feeling depressed
# Let laughter make you feel blessed
# So it's All Round To Mrs Brown's. #