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This programme contains adult humour
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# Make a date, don't be late
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# Cos you know
it's going to be great
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# When the irrepressible Browns
come to town
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# To begin, just tune in
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# And you'll wear an ear-to-ear grin
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# Watching Agnes and her clan
act the clown
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# Instead of feeling depressed
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# Let laughter make you feel blessed
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# So
It's All Round To Mrs Brown's. #
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to All Round To Mrs Brown's!
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Oh!
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Hello!
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I'm just... I'm just...
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I'm just fixing young
Bono's train set.
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Look.
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TRAIN WHISTLES
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SHE LAUGHS
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Choo-choo!
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SHE LAUGHS
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Oh, you see,
he gets that from Grandad.
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His grandad used to work on the
trains. Yeah, he was a shunter.
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LAUGHTER
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Oh, yeah, if you were looking
for a good shunt, he's your man.
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LAUGHTER
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Oh, but, anyway...
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Welcome to another night of, um,
another night of around at my...
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At my house.
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Cathy's got some great guests
for tonight,
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Lee Mack'll be here.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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I know!
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He's great on Would I Lie On You?
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And the star of Silent Witness,
gorgeous Emilia Fox is here.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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And she really is a fox!
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We found her eating out
of the bin earlier on.
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LAUGHTER
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And you have to join us
in Foley's later
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because the legendary
Billy Ocean will be performing!
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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I love Billy Ocean.
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# When the going gets tough...
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# The tough get going! #
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LAUGHTER
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Oh, it's Lee Mack!
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Hello, Lee.
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Do sit down.
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Is now a bad time?
No, no, do come in.
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You're more than welcome.
Do sit down.
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Would you like a cup of tea?
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Yes, I'd love one, thanks.
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LAUGHTER
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Ha-ha, ha-ha.
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Milk? Maybe not.
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LAUGHTER
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No, no, from the jug! Oh, right.
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Yeah, go on.
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SHE PANTS
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Are you sure this is a good time?
Yes, yes! Yes, I'm fine, just...
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Thank you. Just a bit...
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SHE GRUNTS
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If I wasn't glued,
I'd be enjoying this.
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You wouldn't mind trying to help
here, would you?
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What do you want me to do?
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Well, you could try and just pull
my hands off, if you wouldn't mind.
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HE GRUNTS
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No. Wait! I have an idea.
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You go behind...
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Slide your hands under my hands.
That's it.
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Oh, my God, I have to say,
they feel real.
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So does yours.
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APPLAUSE
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BOTH: Oh!
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Hold on, hold on!
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Breathe in, there's solvent
in the train.
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Move... Let's get over towards...
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..the remote.
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There we go.
TRAIN WHISTLES
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There. Just back up, back up.
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AUDIENCE: Oooh!
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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You're not going to believe this,
but I'm waiting for a train.
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LAUGHTER
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I'll come back later.
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See you later, Trevor.
OK, let's go down.
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HE GROANS
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OK, OK. I see why you're not on
at eight o'clock.
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Just give this...
Just give this a couple of seconds.
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Then I'm going to pull you off.
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In three, two, one...
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TEARING
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Oh. Oh, well...
I'm sorry about that, Lee.
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So how are you?
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Well, I was all right.
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You know, Lee, if I said you were
one of the most handsome people
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I've ever seen on television...
Yeah.
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..would I be lying or telling
the truth?
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That would be...
BUZZER
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..a lie.
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That would be...
BUZZER
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..true.
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Is it hard coming up
with new lies all the time?
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It's not easy,
we have to come up with quite a lot
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because we've been doing it for
14, 15 years now.
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And the problem is,
we get on very well,
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so I'll be out with David having
a drink, I'll say.
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"You won't believe what happened
to me the other day."
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He'll go, "What?"
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And then I'll go,
"Oh, I can't tell you."
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And it just goes quiet
for about ten minutes.
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It's very dull afternoons out
together.
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Ha-ha-ha. Well, the show is not
dull. It's the fun...
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ONE of the funniest things on
television.
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You changed that quickly.
I did, yes!
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Apart from Not Going Out,
it's fabulous. Oh, thank you.
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How many years now?
That's been on since 2006.
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So 14 years.
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14 years? Or if you are watching
this episode on Dave, 28 years.
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LAUGHTER
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Now, you love your darts.
I love darts.
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Do you play? Oh, yeah.
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Double top!
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I know you do this trick you do...
Yeah. ..with teabags. I do.
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I do throw teabags.
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I can't make a cup of tea without
trying to get it into the cup,
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like a dart... Really?! ..you know,
and I'm pretty good at it.
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Do you mind having a go?
You want to see this!
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APPLAUSE
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I mean, I don't want to take this
too seriously,
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but they are the wrong type
of teabags, but whatever.
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I don't think so.
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Oh, hello. Hello, baby.
You got the pyramid ones. Yes.
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The pyramid ones.
Now, how far do you need to be?
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Well, is that the cup you're making
me go in? No, no. It's way over...
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Yes, that's it.
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OK. You've got to get it really
tight into your hand.
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Really right into your hand
very tightly. Yeah?
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And then you just go like that
and you go like that.
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BUZZER
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AUDIENCE: Oh!
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Don't worry.
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BUZZER
Oh!
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Nothing for two in a bed.
This is definitely live, is it?
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Yes, it is, yes.
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BUZZER
BOTH: OH!
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That was close. That was so close!
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That was almost the speed boat,
wasn't it? Trajectory was perfect.
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Close-up on the mug.
Close-up on the mug.
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CHEERING
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Amazing! Here, you'd better get
ready for Cathy's show. Oh, yes!
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Ladies and gentlemen, Lee Mack!
Thank you.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Uh-oh! Oh, God!
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THEY GRUNT
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Thank you, Lee.
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What a lovely man!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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We'll be seeing a lot more
of Lee later.
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Oh, hello, Trevor, love.
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CHEERING
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What the hell was that all about?
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It wasn't what it looked like, love,
I promise you.
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More's the pity.
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Sit down, Mammy, I want to ask you
something. Yes, love?
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Can I move back in here for a while?
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Of course! This is your home.
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It'll just be for a few weeks.
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You know, well,
until you go back on the missions?
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No, until I get my own apartment.
I'm not going back on the missions.
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AUDIENCE: Aw! What?!
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I'm done with it, Mammy.
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I look at the world today.
It's gone crazy.
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Giant corporations are gobbling up
everything.
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The planet is dying and poverty is
just getting worse and worse.
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I'm wasting my time.
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Oh, well, you know,
it means I'll have you more at home,
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so it's good for me.
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But are you sure, Trevor?
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Yeah, I'm sure. Look, if God wanted
me to stay, he'd give me a sign.
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I suppose...
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Well, the light is still
burning on the Sacred Heart.
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That's a sign.
LIGHT BULB FIZZLES
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See?
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Oh. AUDIENCE: Aw!
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It's only a loose bulb,
it's just a loose...
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Well, it's no big deal.
Well, I want one!
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Rory, the deal was always
you decorate and I furnish,
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and that's that!
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Just one thing! No!
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What has you two here?
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I was just checking to see when
Emilia Fox is coming to us
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for her make-up, Mrs Brown.
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She is due any minute now.
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You should be getting
down there now.
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Thank you.
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Prrrrrr. Hm!
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APPLAUSE
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Mammy, nearly ready to go!
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Just a minute, Cathy.
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SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
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Hello, Betty, how do you do?
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Yeah, Betty... You have a hardware
store near you, don't you?
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Yes, I'll call you later.
I need you to get something for me.
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Right, then,
it's time for The Cathy Brown Show.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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# Time to go
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# Here we go
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# The Cathy Brown Show. #
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Hello, and welcome to
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The Cathy Brown Show with me,
Cathy Brown.
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And with me! Ha-ha-ha-ha.
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We've got a fantastic show for you
tonight. Fantastic show.
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Really fantastic show.
I have this, Mammy.
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He is one of the country's
best-loved comedians
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and we are delighted he's here.
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It's the brilliant Lee Mack!
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Plus, we have one of the country's
best-loved actresses,
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she's part of acting royalty
and keeps us on
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00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:24,150
the edge of our seats in
the wonderful Silent Witness,
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it's Emilia Fox.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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So please welcome Lee and Emelia.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Hello. Hello, you are very welcome.
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Thank you for having me.
Thank you for having me.
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Welcome.
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Ha-ha-ha-ha.
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You are a wonderful woman.
I'm so excited to be here.
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You're a princess. Shall I sit here?
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Sit down, sit down,
make yourselves comfortable.
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See, you are both very welcome.
How are you doing? It's so lovely...
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FOX-HUNT HORN
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LAUGHTER
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Oh, foxy boys.
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Buster!
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Lovely guests.
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This is for Emelia.
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Yeah, that's right.
Because she's so foxy!
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FOXEY LADY PLAYS
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That is very disturbing.
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Hold it! I don't think I've seen
anything so terrifying in my life!
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OK, you too, now, fox off!
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LAUGHTER
250
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APPLAUSE
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Now, Buster!
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FOX-HUNT HORN
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Sorry about that, guys.
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I don't agree with fox hunting,
but I'm coming round to the idea.
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So, Emilia, you've just been back
on our screens with Silent Witness.
256
00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:59,510
The 23rd series. I know.
Can you believe that?
257
00:11:59,520 --> 00:12:01,070
There's a picture of you.
258
00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:03,550
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
259
00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:05,150
It's still as popular as ever.
260
00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:07,070
And you love it, don't you?
I love it.
261
00:12:07,080 --> 00:12:09,630
I've been doing it for 15 years,
I think, now,
262
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:12,390
and I still love it like the first
day I started.
263
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:15,590
And working with dead bodies?
You've no problem with that?
264
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:18,070
LAUGHTER
265
00:12:18,080 --> 00:12:19,390
Well, you've coped.
266
00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:21,510
LAUGHTER
267
00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:28,230
Are you OK, Mammy? I'm fine.
268
00:12:28,240 --> 00:12:30,070
I've no idea who he's talking about.
269
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:32,830
But is it challenging?
270
00:12:32,840 --> 00:12:35,390
Um, well, the challenging thing
is making them
271
00:12:35,400 --> 00:12:36,950
as comfortable as possible
272
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:39,830
because very often our dead
bodies are live bodies.
273
00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,670
Oh, lovely. And some actors have
been known to snore.
274
00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:44,510
Oh, my God!
275
00:12:44,520 --> 00:12:48,670
You have to very gently wake them
up in the middle of the postmortem.
276
00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:52,470
"Excuse me for waking you, we're
just doing your liver." Yeah.
277
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:53,950
Just taking out your insides.
278
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,830
Yes, but is there a real
butcher on the set?
279
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:57,790
We probably should have a real
butcher on set,
280
00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,470
but, actually, we go to the butcher
281
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:02,150
and then we ask for all the things
that are sort of leftovers
282
00:13:02,160 --> 00:13:03,430
that they can give us,
283
00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:06,430
like intestines and hearts
and livers and things.
284
00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:09,230
The smell must be horrendous!
The smell is horrific.
285
00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:12,270
And I've been in real postmortems,
and they really smell,
286
00:13:12,280 --> 00:13:15,390
but, actually,
when you have a pig's intestines
287
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:18,230
dolloped in front of you and then
you are asked to handle them...
288
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:20,470
If you've just switched on,
it's a comedy show!
289
00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:23,150
LAUGHTER
290
00:13:24,560 --> 00:13:26,630
APPLAUSE
291
00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:33,230
So, Lee... Yes. You've been doing
Not Going Out, of course.
292
00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:37,950
The family. With my three fictional
children. What a wonderful family.
293
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,550
I just... It's my favourite
programme. Oh, thank you.
294
00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,350
Back at school,
your teachers didn't think
295
00:13:42,360 --> 00:13:43,950
you were destined for a life
in comedy.
296
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,870
Well, I've got a school report
which I found and it said,
297
00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:49,270
it said, "Sooner or later,
298
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:52,790
"Lee will realise that joking around
in class will get him nowhere."
299
00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:55,870
Ha-ha!
300
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:58,270
LAUGHTER
301
00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:00,230
The boring bit of that story is
that he was right,
302
00:14:00,240 --> 00:14:04,150
cos it takes hard work, but don't
use that in the edit, use that.
303
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:05,750
LAUGHTER
304
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:08,990
APPLAUSE
305
00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:12,150
Emilia, you had to be destined
for acting.
306
00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:15,470
Um, well, I didn't really want
to be an actress,
307
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:20,510
but I was such an appalling waitress
and eventually I got fired,
308
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:22,990
demoted from various jobs
waitressing
309
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:26,470
and eventually I got a job in
the holidays, acting.
310
00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:29,310
And so I did that rather than
waitressing one summer
311
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:30,670
and that sort of began it all.
312
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:33,110
But I didn't want to do the same
thing as the rest of my family.
313
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:35,750
As the rest of your family. Well,
your dad, as we know, Edward Fox,
314
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:38,990
played the Jackal in
Day Of The Jackal, famously.
315
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:41,550
APPLAUSE
Oh! Thank you.
316
00:14:43,440 --> 00:14:46,830
My memory of it is seeing Dad
kissing someone
317
00:14:46,840 --> 00:14:49,470
and then I was like,
"Oh, I don't want to see this."
318
00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:52,350
And so that was it. There's a lovely
picture of you with your dad here.
319
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:54,110
What's happening here?
320
00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:57,150
Oh, I think he had pneumonia
or something like that.
321
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:59,990
Or were you practising for
your current role? Yeah, exactly.
322
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,230
"Open wide, ahhhh."
323
00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:05,390
Because your whole family were
involved in acting,
324
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,950
you must have had some showbiz-y
parties at home
325
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:09,750
when you were younger?
326
00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:12,510
Well, the one I really remember
was going to my uncle's party
327
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:16,630
and I was little and didn't know
anyone, of course,
328
00:15:16,640 --> 00:15:20,270
but I saw this very sort of, like,
glamorous couple coming in
329
00:15:20,280 --> 00:15:22,750
and he was wearing sunglasses
330
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:25,430
and he stayed wearing his sunglasses
all through the party.
331
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:27,710
And, anyway, of course,
when I got older,
332
00:15:27,720 --> 00:15:29,150
I realised that was Jack Nicholson.
333
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:32,110
Wow! But throughout the whole
evening, he was wearing sunglasses.
334
00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:34,750
And your parents were publicans.
Is that right? They were, yeah.
335
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:37,710
They sound like great characters.
They were... They liked to party.
336
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:39,110
They were always doing lock-ins.
337
00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:41,670
Remember the old days when pubs
weren't open in the afternoon? Yes!
338
00:15:41,680 --> 00:15:43,790
I'm allowed to say they were doing
illegal activity
339
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,470
cos they're not alive.
LAUGHTER
340
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:47,950
Statute of limitations. Yeah.
341
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:50,190
They are alive, but they said,
"If you ever say anything
342
00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:53,550
"that we're criminals, just say...
follow it with, 'We're not alive.' "
343
00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:55,790
LAUGHTER
344
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:59,950
For absolute clarity,
they're not alive.
345
00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:02,950
My dad once told me, because he was
a proper Northern bloke,
346
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:06,870
and he had a perm and a 'tache,
in the '80s, and he said...
347
00:16:06,880 --> 00:16:10,310
I used to have very long, thin,
straight greasy hair.
348
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:13,470
And he went... He was
so disappointed in my hair,
349
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:16,990
and he said, "Why don't you act
like a proper man and get a perm?"
350
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:19,470
LAUGHTER
351
00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,470
And I did!
352
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,550
So, Lee, tell us
about your new sitcom.
353
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:25,670
Yes, well, I'm doing a new one
called Semi-Detached
354
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:28,750
which is the first sitcom I've been
in that I haven't written.
355
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:31,710
Or just the second sitcom I've ever
been in. And there I am.
356
00:16:31,720 --> 00:16:34,270
Yes, there you are. That's my...
That's a good look, isn't it?
357
00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:36,910
Is that your own moustache?
That is my own moustache.
358
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:39,790
I had a beard and I shaved
it off just down to the moustache.
359
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:42,910
And the problem is, I found myself
apologising to people,
360
00:16:42,920 --> 00:16:46,270
saying, "Just so you know,
I'm doing a show.
361
00:16:46,280 --> 00:16:47,870
"That's what this is about."
362
00:16:47,880 --> 00:16:49,870
You are just missing your '80s
perm.
363
00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:53,510
I know. That's what my dad looked...
Imagine that with a perm.
364
00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:55,230
And that's what my mum looked like.
365
00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:58,030
The one in the middle.
366
00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:00,510
Very small bald woman.
367
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,270
When you are writing yourself,
368
00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:04,310
do you have a special writing
space in your house?
369
00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:06,630
I do. I've written with different
people over the years.
370
00:17:06,640 --> 00:17:09,790
There was one particular guy,
I had to stop writing with him,
371
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:13,150
because we used to do Skype.
The problem is, this guy was bald.
372
00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:15,110
And the reason I mention that is
373
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:18,150
because you'll understand
what I'm about to say. OK.
374
00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:20,950
He would not start a Skype session
375
00:17:20,960 --> 00:17:23,030
until he'd played
his favourite game.
376
00:17:23,040 --> 00:17:25,990
And his favourite game
was Bollock or Head.
377
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:27,830
LAUGHTER
378
00:17:27,840 --> 00:17:28,990
Oh, no!
379
00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:35,030
And he was...
380
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:40,390
And I would always be looking,
going, "Oh, not again."
381
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:41,950
And I would pray. I would go,
382
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,430
"Is it your head?
Please be your head!"
383
00:17:44,440 --> 00:17:46,950
And he'd pull away,
and he'd go, "NO!"
384
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:52,030
And that's how I started my days.
How long did this game go on for?
385
00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:54,350
Oh, many a month, I tell you.
386
00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:58,070
"I think we should stop this now
and just do it by telephone."
387
00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:00,790
Emilia, you have some really
difficult lines on Silent Witness,
388
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:03,190
but I believe you have some
really interesting techniques
389
00:18:03,200 --> 00:18:05,070
to learn them.
390
00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:07,270
Well, I try and remember them
with...
391
00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:09,950
Because sometimes they're
so complicated.
392
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:13,110
Until we are actually with
the pathologist on set
393
00:18:13,120 --> 00:18:16,910
showing us exactly what we have to
do to fit the action to the words,
394
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:19,950
you're just learning it at home,
sort of parrot fashion.
395
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,950
And, so, I try and use sort of
riddles
396
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:25,950
or charades or something like that,
397
00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:30,190
but there is one phrase which has
stayed with me for years now.
398
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:31,590
And we were talking about
399
00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:34,550
"anti-psychotics with
a high-binding affinity
400
00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:38,590
"for adrenergic and M1
muscarinic receptors."
401
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:40,630
Wow!
402
00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,750
APPLAUSE
403
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:45,430
I don't know why I remember it!
404
00:18:45,440 --> 00:18:48,550
I tell you what, she's going to have
to work on her catchphrases.
405
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,750
Yeah, it's not a good
opening line at a party.
406
00:18:50,760 --> 00:18:53,310
I know, but I don't know why
I remember that particular phrase.
407
00:18:53,320 --> 00:18:55,910
You won't forget Head or Bollock,
I tell you that!
408
00:18:55,920 --> 00:18:57,830
LAUGHTER
409
00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:00,230
Do you have any special
acting techniques, Lee?
410
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:03,070
Let's just say
if there is a magazine in the shot,
411
00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:05,230
I'm probably reading it.
412
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:07,230
If I was to turn it round,
you'd see lots of words.
413
00:19:07,240 --> 00:19:09,830
I'm often looking into
coffee cups like that,
414
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,430
written in a circle round
the coffee cup like that.
415
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:15,190
But before you did comedy,
you had a list of jobs.
416
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:18,350
I did, yeah. And...
Go through some of them for us.
417
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:21,510
Well, just let me move this cushion
out of the way a little bit.
418
00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:23,110
Um...
419
00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:25,590
LAUGHTER
420
00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:27,230
The producer said to me in advance,
421
00:19:27,240 --> 00:19:29,070
"They might talk about
your previous jobs,"
422
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,910
and I said,
"I'll never remember it."
423
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,070
So...
424
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:33,750
LAUGHTER
425
00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:37,510
APPLAUSE
Have a little look at that.
426
00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,830
So, um, if you get rid of that in
the edit, and I'll just go,
427
00:19:39,840 --> 00:19:41,990
"Well, that's a good question,
Cathy." OK.
428
00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:43,390
Now it looks like I'm aroused
429
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,350
and I don't want to
talk to you, doesn't it?
430
00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,830
LAUGHTER
That's just awful.
431
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:51,230
Right, so I was, in no particular
order, a mobile DJ... OK.
432
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:54,190
..a Bluecoat at Pontins,
I worked in a bingo hall.
433
00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:56,550
WOMAN IN AUDIENCE: Way!
434
00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:58,310
LAUGHTER
435
00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:00,390
Someone has got a full house
at the back there.
436
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,230
And a stableboy. A stableboy?
437
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:05,510
Where? Where? In my home
town of Southport and it was, er...
438
00:20:05,520 --> 00:20:08,150
..probably the most famous
racehorse of all time, Red Rum.
439
00:20:08,160 --> 00:20:11,150
Oh, the greatest... Three-time
winner of the Grand National. Yeah.
440
00:20:11,160 --> 00:20:14,550
Genuinely true, on the first day,
I...
441
00:20:14,560 --> 00:20:17,790
The boss, Ginger McCain, brilliant
trainer, and he said...he was in
442
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,910
the stables with me, and he said,
"Pick up that horse poo." Right?
443
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:23,590
So I went off. He says, "Where you
going?" I said, "To get a shovel."
444
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:26,070
He said, "No, no. You'll
be here all day if you start
445
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:28,710
"doing that. You put your hands
round it..." ALL: Urgh!
446
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:31,590
"..and you pick it up. You get a
little bit of hay, a bit of straw,
447
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,710
"and you throw
it in the muck wagon.
448
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,950
"You'll be doing it all day,
otherwise." I said, "All right."
449
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,550
Later on that day, there was a
mangy old dog
450
00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:42,510
that used to live in the stables
and he did a poo in the yard.
451
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:45,750
And the boss went, "Clear that up,
will you?" And I thought it was a
test.
452
00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:47,070
LAUGHTER
453
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:48,830
And everyone's looking at me,
and I went,
454
00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:51,390
and I looked at the shovel
and I looked at the poo,
455
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:54,270
I thought, "Well, he told me the
rules." So I went over, like that,
456
00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:56,270
and as I was just about
to touch it, he went,
457
00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:59,590
"Not with your hands,
you filthy sod!"
458
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:02,310
"You said..."
"Not dog shit! Horse shit!"
459
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:05,230
I was so on edge all the time.
460
00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:06,950
APPLAUSE
461
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:11,910
So my job was to just muck them out
and take them for walks.
462
00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:13,590
I used to take Red Rum for walks
463
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,030
because he was too old,
at that point, to run, to race.
464
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:18,470
He was about 20. Where would you
take him? Just around the site?
465
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:20,710
I once took him to my nan's house.
Seriously?
466
00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:23,350
Honest to God, I walked him round
the corner, I knocked on my nan's
467
00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:25,710
house - she's going to be so
excited, you know - and I went,
468
00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:28,790
"You're not going to believe who
this is." She went, "Who?"
I went, "Red Rum."
469
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:30,870
And she went,
"I don't care. Get him off me lawn."
470
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,590
LAUGHTER
471
00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:35,750
Walked him back home again.
472
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:37,350
OK.
473
00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:40,430
After all that, it's time to bring
out one of my guest's mammies.
474
00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:42,630
So please welcome Emilia's mammy.
475
00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:45,390
If they're acting royalty,
she's the Queen.
476
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:47,990
Joanna David.
477
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:50,030
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
478
00:21:55,080 --> 00:21:56,430
Boys!
479
00:21:57,640 --> 00:21:59,710
Ooh! Mrs Brown!
480
00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:06,230
I'm so overexcited to meet you!
481
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:10,630
Sit down, Joanna.
Make yourself comfortable.
482
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:12,990
Oh, Emilia, you've got to take your
mother out more.
483
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,590
LAUGHTER
484
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:19,470
Oh, Mrs Brown, my heart. Can you see
it? It's coming out of my body!
485
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:22,910
You nearly pulled mine out of mine!
LAUGHTER
486
00:22:22,920 --> 00:22:25,270
I must say, from the moment I saw
you earlier on,
487
00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:27,510
your dress is divine.
Mine?
488
00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:29,870
You look absolutely stunning and
489
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:33,550
Emilia looks like she just didn't
bother.
LAUGHTER
490
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:36,270
Well, Joanna, you are no
stranger to the camera yourself.
491
00:22:36,280 --> 00:22:38,710
You've been an actress now
for how many years?
492
00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:41,270
50 years. 50 years!
493
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:42,430
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
494
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:47,150
How would you describe your
relationship with Emilia?
495
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:48,750
"I'm her mother."
496
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:49,950
LAUGHTER
497
00:22:51,720 --> 00:22:56,110
I am her mother, yes. Are you my
mother? Yes. I think I am. Oh, good.
498
00:22:56,120 --> 00:22:59,470
Oh, you would know straight away.
You could be sisters.
499
00:23:01,680 --> 00:23:05,830
Their father... I don't know if I'm
allowed to say this on television...
500
00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:09,030
Try it. ..but we always
joke in the family,
501
00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:12,430
that he only does it
once every 15 years,
502
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:17,670
because my stepdaughter
is 15 years between Millie,
503
00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:21,630
and 15 years between
Millie and our son.
504
00:23:21,640 --> 00:23:23,510
And what does he do in the meantime?
505
00:23:25,120 --> 00:23:27,030
Not enough.
506
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:28,950
LAUGHTER
507
00:23:31,560 --> 00:23:34,510
Mammy, why don't you take Joanna
into the kitchen for a private chat?
508
00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:36,950
Joanna, you and me,
into the kitchen for a private chat,
509
00:23:36,960 --> 00:23:40,710
and you can tell me all about
Millie's old boyfriends.
510
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,350
Come along with me.
511
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:44,310
APPLAUSE
512
00:23:54,480 --> 00:23:55,950
Oh, no, no.
513
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:58,390
LAUGHTER
514
00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:01,870
It's not musical chairs! Oh!
515
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:06,830
Here is a little thing I brewed
myself. It's called, "No Way, Rose."
516
00:24:08,600 --> 00:24:11,510
Oh, my goodness.
Has it got alcohol in it?
517
00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:13,070
No, no!
518
00:24:13,080 --> 00:24:15,150
LAUGHTER
You'll be fine. Cheers!
519
00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:17,230
Can I do a toast in Irish?
520
00:24:17,240 --> 00:24:18,950
SPEAKS GAELIC
521
00:24:18,960 --> 00:24:21,230
What? Up your bum! Up my bum?
522
00:24:23,160 --> 00:24:24,670
Up yours! Up yours!
523
00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:29,670
So you're quite the family dynasty.
524
00:24:29,680 --> 00:24:32,190
You know, with Edward
and yourself and Millie.
525
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:34,310
Was it natural that she would
end up in the business?
526
00:24:34,320 --> 00:24:36,030
Well... Was she a natural actress?
527
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:40,230
We never talked about her
wanting to be an actress.
528
00:24:40,240 --> 00:24:42,910
I still say, I'm afraid,
I'm not politically correct,
529
00:24:42,920 --> 00:24:44,190
or whatever the word is.
530
00:24:44,200 --> 00:24:47,110
Well, you say whatever you want
to say.
LAUGHTER
531
00:24:47,120 --> 00:24:50,510
She filled in her UCAS form, that
thing that you do before university.
532
00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:52,990
It may not be called that any more.
533
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:55,350
Said she wanted to be a journalist.
Oh.
534
00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:57,910
So we never discussed acting, ever.
535
00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:00,310
She would have made a great
journalist. Yes.
536
00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:02,110
Do you think? Yes!
537
00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:03,950
I do. Well, I...
538
00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:07,150
She will be thrilled to have such
a compliment from you.
539
00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:08,910
SLURRING: Well, it's my pleasure.
540
00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:12,550
How exciting.
541
00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:15,030
Oh, Millie, you won't be getting us
back very soon.
542
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:18,870
Oh, Mrs Brown.
543
00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:21,590
Yes, Joanna? I've got to tell you...
Please do.
544
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:24,630
There's a wonderful, wonderful,
beloved friend of mine called
545
00:25:24,640 --> 00:25:26,430
Phyllida Law. Wow, Phyllida Law.
546
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:30,990
And we both, unfortunately, have the
same problem when we're nervous -
547
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:32,390
we fart.
548
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:34,350
LAUGHTER
549
00:25:36,960 --> 00:25:41,030
And, anyway, I think
she's the bigger farter than me...
550
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:43,750
Law's the bigger farter.
551
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:47,270
..but I did say I would
mention her on your show
552
00:25:47,280 --> 00:25:51,350
because she is the biggest fan
of yours you will ever realise.
553
00:25:51,360 --> 00:25:54,510
You know, most of my fans seem
to have the same buckin' problem.
554
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:56,550
LAUGHTER
555
00:25:56,560 --> 00:26:00,830
APPLAUSE
Can I tell you a story? Me? Yes.
556
00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:03,630
Last time I was in Dublin...
557
00:26:03,640 --> 00:26:06,150
Oh, my favourite city.
You're here now.
558
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:09,310
..was years ago. We're here,
aren't we? Yes. Yes, we are. Yes!
559
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:11,190
LAUGHTER
560
00:26:11,200 --> 00:26:12,670
Well, anyway,
561
00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:16,710
I had then,
Edward was my boyfriend. Right.
562
00:26:16,720 --> 00:26:19,870
I was very young,
22 or something, 23? Oh.
563
00:26:19,880 --> 00:26:24,350
And he had his daughter, who was
called, is called Lucy, aged 11.
564
00:26:24,360 --> 00:26:27,870
I thought, well, I'm going to really
try and amuse her and keep her happy
565
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:30,790
while her mum and dad are talking
about everything... All right.
566
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,510
..to do with her. Yes.
567
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:37,270
So I said to her,
"Have you ever seen a fart ignited?"
568
00:26:37,280 --> 00:26:39,430
LAUGHTER
569
00:26:42,080 --> 00:26:45,230
Matches! We need matches! Matches!
570
00:26:45,240 --> 00:26:47,590
Sorry. Go on.
Well, anyway, I...
571
00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:49,430
Somebody did it to me at dra...
572
00:26:49,440 --> 00:26:53,310
I mean, lit a fart, my fart,
at drama school,
573
00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:56,150
and it blew my...
Blew the arse off you?
574
00:26:56,160 --> 00:26:57,910
Yes. Blew the arse off me.
575
00:26:57,920 --> 00:26:59,310
So I said to Lucy,
576
00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:02,190
Just one second. One second.
No, stay where you are!
Stay where you are!
577
00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:05,390
Where are you going? Emilia!
Your mother's not
embarrassing at all.
578
00:27:05,400 --> 00:27:06,950
LAUGHTER
579
00:27:08,080 --> 00:27:09,950
She was just worried. You're fine.
580
00:27:09,960 --> 00:27:11,550
So go on, your arse has blown off...
581
00:27:13,120 --> 00:27:14,950
I said to Lucy, "Darling,
582
00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:18,270
"would you like to see one
of your farts ignited?"
583
00:27:18,280 --> 00:27:20,710
Because I thought it would
amuse her.
584
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:22,550
Anyway, I said "Well, get on the
floor now.
585
00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:25,990
"and I'll put your legs
over your head..."
586
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:28,510
LAUGHTER
587
00:27:28,520 --> 00:27:31,670
and I was ready to ignite
the fart, and she'd fainted.
588
00:27:31,680 --> 00:27:33,950
LAUGHTER
589
00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:36,430
But, anyway,
her parents were appalled.
590
00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:40,310
I tried to keep her amused,
and I'd tried to ignite her farts...
591
00:27:40,320 --> 00:27:43,230
I don't know why!
What is WRONG with them?
592
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:45,390
They've no sense of...humour!
593
00:27:47,920 --> 00:27:51,230
APPLAUSE
I'm sorry, what a stupid story.
594
00:27:51,240 --> 00:27:53,630
So, tell me, what was Emilia like
with boyfriends?
595
00:27:53,640 --> 00:27:55,550
Oh, my God.
596
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:57,430
Be careful, Mum.
597
00:27:57,440 --> 00:27:59,390
What? I'll be very, very careful.
598
00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:00,990
Oh, well, I think...
599
00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:04,390
You, sort of, try and like every
one. Yes, yes. You do. You do.
You have to.
600
00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:06,030
Every one?
601
00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:08,990
Then you're disappointed when that
one goes and another one comes...
602
00:28:09,000 --> 00:28:12,790
Yes. Comes on the scene...
Mum! Stop! Stop, now!
603
00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:16,390
Before it's too late!
604
00:28:17,680 --> 00:28:22,150
Emilia, I'm really sorry but you are
starting to sound a bit like a slut.
605
00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:24,550
LAUGHTER
606
00:28:24,560 --> 00:28:26,110
Jesus Christ!
607
00:28:30,680 --> 00:28:32,190
Have some more.
608
00:28:32,200 --> 00:28:33,830
Yes, I will.
609
00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:36,390
Are you sure you won't have a drink?
You might get to loosen up a bit!
610
00:28:36,400 --> 00:28:38,070
LAUGHTER
611
00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:41,990
Oh, Jesus.
612
00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:46,670
Now, we've got some lovely
photographs. Oh, I love this.
613
00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:48,950
This is Emilia, now. See this?
614
00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:50,350
AUDIENCE: Awww.
615
00:28:50,360 --> 00:28:52,990
Look at that.
I love this photograph.
616
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:56,790
Again. This is with Mammy and Daddy.
My God. Look at you.
617
00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:00,350
Who's that woman looking
over the top?
618
00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:01,710
Oh, where?
619
00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:05,310
Oh, there?
620
00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:07,310
That woman is me, I think.
621
00:29:07,320 --> 00:29:09,190
Really? Yes.
622
00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:12,550
Stunningly beautiful. Oh, don't be
ridiculous. No, no, really.
623
00:29:12,560 --> 00:29:15,790
The only thing I can say is,
what the hell is going on here?
624
00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:16,830
LAUGHTER
625
00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:21,510
Is that the Tortoise and the Hare?
Yes!
626
00:29:21,520 --> 00:29:23,670
And look at Edward's codpiece!
627
00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:25,950
Ooh, dear.
628
00:29:25,960 --> 00:29:28,910
And Millie's the tortoise.
Yes, she is. Never mind.
629
00:29:28,920 --> 00:29:30,830
I'm still looking at the codpiece.
630
00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:32,790
LAUGHTER
631
00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:34,390
Oh, anyway, God, what am I saying?
632
00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:37,030
You're saying...
You're saying all the right things.
633
00:29:37,040 --> 00:29:40,310
I don't know. I don't know if
I've met a more interesting women
in my life.
634
00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:42,550
You're such a liar! No, really.
Ooh!
635
00:29:42,560 --> 00:29:44,470
APPLAUSE
636
00:29:44,480 --> 00:29:46,910
Unbelievable.
637
00:29:46,920 --> 00:29:49,670
Let's get you back inside,
with Millie. Come on. Thank you.
638
00:29:49,680 --> 00:29:51,510
Ladies and gentlemen, Joanna.
639
00:29:51,520 --> 00:29:53,630
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
640
00:29:58,320 --> 00:30:00,430
Oh, Betty.
641
00:30:00,440 --> 00:30:02,270
AUDIENCE CHEERS
642
00:30:04,800 --> 00:30:07,110
All right, love. Hello, Mrs Brown.
643
00:30:07,120 --> 00:30:10,190
I just met Billy Ocean on the way
in. I know. He's so sexy!
644
00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:12,590
Oh, ho, ho! Yeah, well, you leave
him to me.
645
00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:14,790
You just pick on somebody
your own age.
646
00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:16,390
Did you get what I asked you to get?
647
00:30:16,400 --> 00:30:18,590
Yeah, well...
Is this for Bono's train set?
648
00:30:18,600 --> 00:30:20,310
Exactly. Yeah. Bono's train set.
649
00:30:20,320 --> 00:30:21,990
All right. I'm off.
650
00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:23,710
I'll see you later. See you later.
651
00:30:23,720 --> 00:30:25,750
APPLAUSE
652
00:30:26,960 --> 00:30:30,110
Chef Ali in the house.
CHEERING
653
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:33,470
Reggae!
654
00:30:33,480 --> 00:30:35,710
# Mr Boombastic
Tell me fantastic
655
00:30:35,720 --> 00:30:37,870
# Touch me on the back
She says I'm Mr Ro...
656
00:30:39,360 --> 00:30:41,910
# ..mantic, and me fantastic
657
00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:46,470
# She touch me on the back,
# She says I'm Mr Rohhh... #
658
00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:49,030
OK, Chef.
What are you doing for us?
659
00:30:49,040 --> 00:30:51,270
It's my new one-minute meal where I
660
00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:54,670
can cook the meal faster than any
other chef in TV. Oh!
661
00:30:54,680 --> 00:30:56,590
A delicious mouthful in a minute!
662
00:30:56,600 --> 00:30:58,390
LAUGHTER
663
00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:00,910
It sounds gorgeous. OK, Chef,
664
00:31:00,920 --> 00:31:03,470
well, you know what? I know exactly
who'd like this vegan dessert...
665
00:31:03,480 --> 00:31:04,870
Billy Ocean! Billy!
666
00:31:04,880 --> 00:31:09,030
Come in, Billy!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
667
00:31:13,800 --> 00:31:15,590
Please to meet you. Sorry I'm late.
668
00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:17,070
No, you're not. Sorry.
669
00:31:19,440 --> 00:31:21,550
You are not late at all.
Don't be a silly billy.
670
00:31:21,560 --> 00:31:23,870
Don't be a Silly Billy! Hah!
671
00:31:23,880 --> 00:31:25,510
Reggae!
672
00:31:25,520 --> 00:31:28,910
MUSIC: When The Going Gets Tough The
Tough Get Going by Billy Ocean
673
00:31:35,560 --> 00:31:37,550
We'd better stop or this fellow
will cook nothing.
674
00:31:37,560 --> 00:31:39,350
Is this going to make me fart?
675
00:31:39,360 --> 00:31:40,870
No.
676
00:31:40,880 --> 00:31:44,590
No, but I have a woman in next door
who will make you fart.
677
00:31:45,720 --> 00:31:48,870
Now, Chef. You only have 60 seconds
to cook this meal. No dairy.
678
00:31:48,880 --> 00:31:51,470
No nothing in it.
So you're going to like it. Tofu.
679
00:31:51,480 --> 00:31:54,790
Tofu? You tell me as we're going
along. Let's get it started.
680
00:31:54,800 --> 00:31:56,670
OK. You have 60 seconds
until you hear the gong.
681
00:31:56,680 --> 00:31:58,870
One minute starts in three...
682
00:31:58,880 --> 00:32:00,630
AUDIENCE: ..two.....one...
683
00:32:00,640 --> 00:32:01,910
Go!
684
00:32:01,920 --> 00:32:03,670
Here we go with the tofu.
This is the tofu.
685
00:32:03,680 --> 00:32:05,550
It goes in. OK, Chef.
686
00:32:05,560 --> 00:32:09,190
What's this? This is the chocolate.
Chocolate and tofu?
687
00:32:09,200 --> 00:32:10,350
No dairy. OK, Chef.
688
00:32:12,280 --> 00:32:15,270
What's this? It doesn't sound
inviting, but...
689
00:32:15,280 --> 00:32:17,990
Use the tofu just like a base.
What's that?
690
00:32:18,000 --> 00:32:19,430
That's maple syrup.
691
00:32:19,440 --> 00:32:21,070
Maple syrup. A pinch of salt,
692
00:32:21,080 --> 00:32:22,790
A pinch of salt. A little vanilla.
693
00:32:24,920 --> 00:32:26,910
A little bit of vanilla.
694
00:32:26,920 --> 00:32:29,070
And... Tell me you're going to turn
the blender on!
695
00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:31,750
Yeah. How are we doing for time?
696
00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:34,710
BLENDER WHIRS
OK?
697
00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:36,190
Lovely. Thank you.
698
00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:42,590
That's about it.
699
00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:44,390
OK, Chef.
700
00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:46,310
How are we doing? In 10...
701
00:32:46,320 --> 00:32:47,670
ALL: Nine.
702
00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:49,430
Eight. Seven.
703
00:32:49,440 --> 00:32:50,830
Six.
704
00:32:50,840 --> 00:32:52,630
Five. Four.
705
00:32:52,640 --> 00:32:54,590
Three. Two.
706
00:32:54,600 --> 00:32:56,030
One.
707
00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:57,830
GONG CRASHES
708
00:32:57,840 --> 00:32:59,270
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
709
00:33:01,840 --> 00:33:03,190
Look at that!
710
00:33:03,200 --> 00:33:06,190
It does look good. That's really
good. Really good. Thank you.
Really.
711
00:33:06,200 --> 00:33:07,990
Let's have a taste.
Let's have a taste.
712
00:33:08,000 --> 00:33:09,510
There you go, Billy. That's you.
713
00:33:09,520 --> 00:33:10,790
Let's... Let's taste this.
714
00:33:10,800 --> 00:33:14,230
Go on. You go first. Thank you.
I've never eaten tofu.
715
00:33:14,240 --> 00:33:17,070
Have you eaten tofu? I love tofu.
Well, I have never eaten it.
716
00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:19,670
Not with chocolate, though.
I've never eaten it with chocolate.
717
00:33:19,680 --> 00:33:20,950
I've never eaten it ever.
718
00:33:22,080 --> 00:33:24,350
Oh, my God. That's gorgeous.
You're still alive. OK.
719
00:33:24,360 --> 00:33:27,310
No, it's beautiful.
LAUGHTER
720
00:33:27,320 --> 00:33:29,670
It's beautiful.
721
00:33:31,360 --> 00:33:32,670
Wow. Don't fart.
722
00:33:34,680 --> 00:33:38,150
I'm holding it in. It's fantastic.
It's absolutely beautiful.
723
00:33:38,160 --> 00:33:41,470
Chef Ali!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
724
00:33:42,840 --> 00:33:45,550
OK, Billy, Chef Ali is going to take
you down to Foley's.
725
00:33:45,560 --> 00:33:47,910
But before you go, reggae!
726
00:33:47,920 --> 00:33:50,350
# Mr Lover Lover, mmm
727
00:33:50,360 --> 00:33:52,630
# Mr Lover Lover
728
00:33:52,640 --> 00:33:54,950
# She call me Mr Boombastic
729
00:33:54,960 --> 00:33:56,510
# Say me fantastic
730
00:33:56,520 --> 00:33:58,350
# Touch me on the back... #
731
00:33:58,360 --> 00:33:59,750
Stop! I'm getting aroused.
732
00:34:01,160 --> 00:34:05,030
Billy, Chef Ali's going to take you.
Chef Ali and Billy Ocean!
733
00:34:05,040 --> 00:34:07,870
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
734
00:34:15,520 --> 00:34:17,870
Well, on that note, that's all
we have time for
735
00:34:17,880 --> 00:34:22,310
on The Cathy Brown Show. Oh!
Thanks to all my guests tonight.
736
00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:24,910
Lee Mack... Thank you.
CHEERING
737
00:34:24,920 --> 00:34:26,710
Thank you very much.
738
00:34:26,720 --> 00:34:30,270
..Emilia Fox...
CHEERING
739
00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:34,630
..and, of course,
her gorgeous Mammy, Joanna David!
740
00:34:34,640 --> 00:34:37,070
Oh, no!
CHEERING
741
00:34:39,240 --> 00:34:41,710
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.
742
00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:54,950
Buster Brady, was it you
that changed my sign?
743
00:34:54,960 --> 00:34:56,590
Big babies.
744
00:34:58,480 --> 00:35:00,790
LAUGHTER
745
00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:05,590
APPLAUSE
746
00:35:08,880 --> 00:35:13,270
I've ordered chips for you and me,
Agnes. Oh, thanks, Winnie.
747
00:35:13,280 --> 00:35:17,790
Here, I see Trevor's wearing
his dog collar again. Really? Yeah.
748
00:35:17,800 --> 00:35:19,470
Excuse me.
749
00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:25,750
Trevor. Yeah? You've changed
your mind about the missions. Yes.
750
00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:27,030
Why? What happened?
751
00:35:27,040 --> 00:35:29,310
It's a miracle, Mammy.
I woke up this morning,
752
00:35:29,320 --> 00:35:31,310
I had the biggest sign of all.
753
00:35:31,320 --> 00:35:34,230
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God.
754
00:35:36,880 --> 00:35:40,230
APPLAUSE
755
00:35:41,400 --> 00:35:43,310
Are you OK? I'm fine.
756
00:35:43,320 --> 00:35:47,070
What did you do with the red paint
and the little brush I bought you?
757
00:35:47,080 --> 00:35:48,670
I performed a miracle.
758
00:35:50,680 --> 00:35:52,630
APPLAUSE
759
00:35:54,520 --> 00:35:59,270
How long are these chips going to
be? Oh, I'd say... Winnie!
760
00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:01,670
Don't even start.
761
00:36:01,680 --> 00:36:03,350
Oh, it's Billy Ocean!
762
00:36:03,360 --> 00:36:05,390
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
763
00:36:12,200 --> 00:36:15,510
Good to see you. Good to be here.
764
00:36:15,520 --> 00:36:17,710
50 years in the business, Billy.
765
00:36:17,720 --> 00:36:20,110
How did you keep it going for
50 years? Enjoyed it.
766
00:36:20,120 --> 00:36:23,470
My father used to be a musician
and it's all I ever wanted to do,
767
00:36:23,480 --> 00:36:25,030
ever since I was very little,
768
00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:27,870
and, by the grace of God,
he granted me that wish.
769
00:36:27,880 --> 00:36:30,350
Your songs are just
absolutely magnificent. Thank you.
770
00:36:30,360 --> 00:36:33,310
Love Really Hurts Without Lube.
Thank you. Ha!
771
00:36:33,320 --> 00:36:35,270
LAUGHTER
772
00:36:35,280 --> 00:36:36,990
I...
773
00:36:39,480 --> 00:36:42,750
LAUGHTER
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
774
00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:44,310
Back off!
775
00:36:44,320 --> 00:36:46,710
You're a doctor of music now.
776
00:36:46,720 --> 00:36:49,030
And MBE. MBE!
777
00:36:53,080 --> 00:36:56,750
So you've a new album? I've got
a new album out called One World
778
00:36:56,760 --> 00:36:59,110
and it comes out on April 17th.
779
00:36:59,120 --> 00:37:01,470
April 17th. A couple of weeks' time,
so look out for that.
780
00:37:01,480 --> 00:37:03,830
I'm touring and everything else,
all right through the year.
781
00:37:03,840 --> 00:37:07,350
Touring right through the year.
Anything else you want to say?
782
00:37:10,200 --> 00:37:12,870
When my guests come out, they
usually, you know, serenade me
783
00:37:12,880 --> 00:37:15,390
a little before they go
into their full thing.
784
00:37:15,400 --> 00:37:19,990
Any chance you might serenade
a...sailor's ex-girlfriend?
785
00:37:20,000 --> 00:37:23,150
Yeah, I'll sing you a love song.
Thank you.
786
00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:27,790
# I used to think that love
was just a fairy tale
787
00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:30,270
# Until that first hello
788
00:37:30,280 --> 00:37:33,150
# Until that first smile
789
00:37:33,160 --> 00:37:36,510
# But if I had to do it all again
790
00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:41,590
# I wouldn't change a thing
791
00:37:41,600 --> 00:37:44,470
# Cos this love is everlasting
792
00:37:44,480 --> 00:37:47,470
# Suddenly
793
00:37:47,480 --> 00:37:49,910
# Life has new meaning... #
794
00:37:49,920 --> 00:37:52,590
LAUGHTER
795
00:37:52,600 --> 00:37:55,510
APPLAUSE
796
00:37:55,520 --> 00:37:57,750
CHEERING
797
00:38:08,200 --> 00:38:10,750
You're going to sing your new single
AND you're going to give us
798
00:38:10,760 --> 00:38:13,870
a little bit of a classic as well.
APPLAUSE
799
00:38:13,880 --> 00:38:15,710
Go and get yourself ready!
800
00:38:15,720 --> 00:38:17,870
Sharon! I'll have another drink!
801
00:38:20,240 --> 00:38:22,430
Ladies and gentlemen,
performing One World
802
00:38:22,440 --> 00:38:26,950
and Love Really Hurts Without You,
the legend that is Billy Ocean!
803
00:38:26,960 --> 00:38:30,270
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
804
00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:34,190
# So many people
805
00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:39,150
# Living in the world today
806
00:38:41,280 --> 00:38:43,390
# Trying to find an answer
807
00:38:45,520 --> 00:38:47,510
# Searching for a better way
808
00:38:49,560 --> 00:38:51,590
# So much demonstrations
809
00:38:53,360 --> 00:38:56,990
# People voicing their opinion
810
00:38:57,000 --> 00:39:00,350
# We got to find the solution
811
00:39:00,360 --> 00:39:04,390
# What we need is a love revolution
812
00:39:04,400 --> 00:39:08,710
#Cos we got...
One world
813
00:39:08,720 --> 00:39:11,270
# So let's take care of business
814
00:39:11,280 --> 00:39:13,230
# Don't wait another day
815
00:39:13,240 --> 00:39:17,150
# Cos we got...
One love
816
00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:21,150
# Mm, keep on holding on
No letting go
817
00:39:21,160 --> 00:39:23,910
# We got...
One hope
818
00:39:25,120 --> 00:39:30,430
# Delivering the message
I came here to tell you that
819
00:39:30,440 --> 00:39:33,630
# One dream
820
00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:38,350
# Brothers and sisters
You know what I mean
821
00:39:41,760 --> 00:39:46,270
# Callous people out there
822
00:39:46,280 --> 00:39:48,310
# In the world today
823
00:39:50,040 --> 00:39:53,030
# Will burst your bubble
824
00:39:53,040 --> 00:39:57,630
# Hurting by the games they play
825
00:39:57,640 --> 00:40:01,830
# Cos we got
One world
826
00:40:01,840 --> 00:40:06,150
# So let's take care of business
Can't wait another day
827
00:40:06,160 --> 00:40:08,870
# We got...
One love
828
00:40:08,880 --> 00:40:14,590
# Mmm, keep on holding on
No letting go
829
00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:18,270
# One hope
830
00:40:18,280 --> 00:40:20,470
# Delivering a message
831
00:40:20,480 --> 00:40:23,070
# I came here to tell you that
832
00:40:23,080 --> 00:40:25,350
# One dream
833
00:40:26,760 --> 00:40:31,190
# Brothers and sisters
You know what I mean. #
834
00:40:35,120 --> 00:40:38,630
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
835
00:40:38,640 --> 00:40:40,670
# You run around town like a fool
836
00:40:40,680 --> 00:40:44,230
# And you think that it's groovy
837
00:40:44,240 --> 00:40:46,710
# You're givin' it to some other guy
838
00:40:46,720 --> 00:40:48,710
# Who gives you the eye
839
00:40:48,720 --> 00:40:51,870
# You don't give nothin' to me
840
00:40:51,880 --> 00:40:53,350
# You painted a smile
841
00:40:53,360 --> 00:40:55,830
# And you dress all the while
to excite me
842
00:40:55,840 --> 00:40:58,190
# Ooh, yes, you do
Ooh, yes, you do
843
00:40:58,200 --> 00:41:00,350
# But don't you know
you're turning me on?
844
00:41:00,360 --> 00:41:01,910
# I know that it's wrong
845
00:41:01,920 --> 00:41:05,270
# I can't stop the pain inside me
846
00:41:05,280 --> 00:41:09,390
# Baby, love really hurts
without you... #
847
00:41:09,400 --> 00:41:10,790
What do you say?
848
00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:13,750
AUDIENCE: # Love really hurts
without you
849
00:41:13,760 --> 00:41:17,150
# And it's breaking my heart
But what can I do?
850
00:41:17,160 --> 00:41:21,430
# Baby, love really hurts
without you
851
00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:24,870
# Love really hurts
through and through
852
00:41:24,880 --> 00:41:29,950
# And it's breaking my heart
But what can I do without you, yeah
853
00:41:31,480 --> 00:41:34,670
# Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
854
00:41:34,680 --> 00:41:36,310
# Oh, baby
855
00:41:36,320 --> 00:41:38,750
# Love really hurts without you
856
00:41:38,760 --> 00:41:40,590
# My baby
857
00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:42,990
# Love really hurts
through and through
858
00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:44,510
# Oh, oh, oh, oh
859
00:41:44,520 --> 00:41:47,190
# And it's breaking my heart
Yeah, yeah, yeah
860
00:41:47,200 --> 00:41:48,990
# But what can I do without you? #
861
00:41:55,200 --> 00:41:57,390
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
862
00:41:57,400 --> 00:41:59,390
Thank you.
863
00:42:03,240 --> 00:42:04,670
Thank you.
864
00:42:05,760 --> 00:42:08,630
And this is where we wrap it up
for tonight. Wow.
865
00:42:08,640 --> 00:42:11,230
Emilia Fox is just beautiful,
but you can't help feeling that
866
00:42:11,240 --> 00:42:13,430
when she looks at you,
she can see your kidneys.
867
00:42:13,440 --> 00:42:15,390
LAUGHTER
868
00:42:15,400 --> 00:42:18,150
And then you look at Emelia's
stunning mother, Joanna.
869
00:42:18,160 --> 00:42:21,350
You think she must have had Emilia
when she was ten years old.
870
00:42:21,360 --> 00:42:22,830
Lee Mack is a breath of fresh air.
871
00:42:22,840 --> 00:42:24,790
He should be available
on the National Health.
872
00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:27,150
He makes me laugh so much
and he makes me feel good
873
00:42:27,160 --> 00:42:29,110
just by being part of his company.
874
00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:31,910
And his company is doing very well,
by the way.
875
00:42:31,920 --> 00:42:34,150
Ha-ha-ha-ha!
876
00:42:34,160 --> 00:42:36,950
You know, I really do get
where Trevor was coming from.
877
00:42:36,960 --> 00:42:39,390
It's a scary, tumultuous world
out there at the moment,
878
00:42:39,400 --> 00:42:41,790
but you can't give up.
879
00:42:41,800 --> 00:42:45,950
Just keep laughing, keep loving,
and, above all, keep the faith.
880
00:42:45,960 --> 00:42:47,150
Goodnight.
881
00:42:47,160 --> 00:42:50,110
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
882
00:42:50,120 --> 00:42:52,550
# Make a date, don't be late
883
00:42:52,560 --> 00:42:54,950
# Cos you know it's gonna be great
884
00:42:54,960 --> 00:43:00,150
# When the irrepressible Browns
come to town
885
00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:02,630
# To begin, just tune in
886
00:43:02,640 --> 00:43:05,230
# And you'll wear
an ear-to-ear grin
887
00:43:05,240 --> 00:43:09,790
# Watching Agnes and her clan
act the clown
888
00:43:10,880 --> 00:43:13,270
# Instead of feeling depressed
889
00:43:13,280 --> 00:43:15,910
# Let laughter make you feel blessed
890
00:43:15,920 --> 00:43:20,030
# So it's
All Round To Mrs Brown's. #