1 00:00:09,468 --> 00:00:12,930 I want to tell you a story. I'm gonna ask you all to close your eyes. 2 00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:24,107 This is your opportunity to rise from these ashes 3 00:00:24,191 --> 00:00:25,359 and grab glory. 4 00:00:25,442 --> 00:00:30,280 I'm not an actor playing a politician. I'm a politician who happens to act. 5 00:00:31,615 --> 00:00:33,951 This is our past. This is where we have been. 6 00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:37,538 This is how we got here. This is who we are. 7 00:00:37,621 --> 00:00:39,540 And look, I'm willing to do anything… 8 00:00:39,623 --> 00:00:40,749 For Texas. 9 00:00:40,832 --> 00:00:42,918 And the Oscar goes to… 10 00:00:43,001 --> 00:00:45,838 - Matthew McConaughey. - For Governor. 11 00:00:48,173 --> 00:00:51,593 You should win a goddamn Oscar for that video. 12 00:00:52,094 --> 00:00:54,763 I have watched that almost two times now and I… 13 00:00:54,847 --> 00:00:56,223 every time I get choked up. 14 00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:57,307 Yeah… 15 00:00:57,391 --> 00:01:00,227 Look it, I really think we need to pick a lane here. 16 00:01:00,310 --> 00:01:02,396 You know, I mean, you've been talking to me about being 17 00:01:02,479 --> 00:01:04,815 a more serious politician and then, look… 18 00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:06,984 this ain't that. 19 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,277 Matthew, if I may… 20 00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:12,614 That video is totally exploitative, AI garbage. 21 00:01:12,698 --> 00:01:15,450 And there's not a single clip of True Detective. 22 00:01:15,534 --> 00:01:18,579 To be fair, Matthew looked insane in True Detective, okay? 23 00:01:18,662 --> 00:01:21,456 He had a stinky little ponytail and it didn't test well with the women. 24 00:01:21,540 --> 00:01:22,708 And I was wrong. 25 00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:24,960 The general public does not care about substance when it comes to you. 26 00:01:25,043 --> 00:01:26,461 They don't care what comes out of your mouth, 27 00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:29,298 they just want to see that ass in some bike shorts. 28 00:01:29,381 --> 00:01:33,093 - Preach! Let the goddamn people eat! - Yum-yum. 29 00:01:33,802 --> 00:01:37,723 Matthew, your pretty little face… Okay? That's how we're gonna win this. 30 00:01:37,806 --> 00:01:41,685 I'm not saying I wanna campaign with a brown paper bag over my head. 31 00:01:41,768 --> 00:01:42,769 What I am saying, 32 00:01:42,853 --> 00:01:46,732 is that I have a handle on the values that represent the face of Texas. 33 00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:48,692 Like my dad's legacy, 34 00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:52,362 all right? Integrity, morals, faith, hustle, innovation. 35 00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,489 Boo! Respectfully, 36 00:01:54,573 --> 00:01:56,950 I wanna fall asleep when you talk about your dad and his legacy. 37 00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:58,035 Hey, watch your step. 38 00:01:58,118 --> 00:01:59,286 I said "respectfully." 39 00:01:59,369 --> 00:02:02,581 I'm not gonna run this campaign based on my celebrity and fame. 40 00:02:02,664 --> 00:02:03,665 That would be like 41 00:02:03,749 --> 00:02:06,043 Sydney Sweeney telling her agents she only wants to do voice work. 42 00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:09,670 Right? I mean, the girl has once-in-a-generation breasts, Matthew. 43 00:02:09,755 --> 00:02:11,590 Look here, 44 00:02:11,673 --> 00:02:17,304 everything that I've accomplished in my life has been based on passion, 45 00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:19,765 knowledge, grit and hustle. 46 00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:21,767 New York Times bestseller, three times. 47 00:02:21,850 --> 00:02:23,685 I've got a successful tequila brand, 48 00:02:23,769 --> 00:02:28,357 I'm a visiting professor in two classes that I created at the University of Texas. 49 00:02:28,440 --> 00:02:31,318 Now, was any of that achieved because of my celebrity? 50 00:02:31,401 --> 00:02:34,863 Exactly! That would be like you telling me that the weed dispensary 51 00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:38,492 that I created with John McEnroe and Bill Maher 52 00:02:38,575 --> 00:02:40,410 is just because I'm famous. 53 00:02:41,078 --> 00:02:43,121 Well, exactly. That's what I'm… 54 00:02:45,916 --> 00:02:47,376 I'm sorry, are you guys fucking with me? 55 00:02:47,459 --> 00:02:48,460 - What part? - What part? 56 00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:36,633 It's finally here. 57 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:39,678 Now, who's the True Detective? 58 00:03:49,688 --> 00:03:52,065 Oh, yes. 59 00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:53,901 Jackpot. 60 00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:57,070 - Okay… - What are you doing here? 61 00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:00,199 Oh, my God. You scared me. 62 00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:02,159 And why are you wearing gloves? 63 00:04:04,119 --> 00:04:06,580 It's for a new TikTok trend. It's super dumb. 64 00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:07,998 Anyway… 65 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:11,335 Matthew said I could borrow some of his… moisturizer. 66 00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:13,170 Oh, no, that's my side. Here's Matthew. 67 00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:17,007 This is Matthew's sink? 68 00:04:17,089 --> 00:04:19,259 - Yeah. - Oh, no… 69 00:04:19,343 --> 00:04:20,552 I mean… 70 00:04:20,636 --> 00:04:22,471 Wow, it's-it's so immaculate. 71 00:04:23,764 --> 00:04:26,600 If he ever committed a crime they'd never find his DNA. 72 00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:30,312 Oh, no, he's like a hairless cat. And I mean, like, everywhere. 73 00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:31,396 Right. 74 00:04:35,067 --> 00:04:36,068 Fuck! 75 00:04:36,151 --> 00:04:40,280 Suddenly, Seymour 76 00:04:40,781 --> 00:04:44,076 Is standing beside me… 77 00:04:44,159 --> 00:04:45,577 Here. Keep up. You're dragging. 78 00:04:45,661 --> 00:04:50,290 He don't give me orders 79 00:04:50,374 --> 00:04:55,504 He don't condescend 80 00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:58,298 Yay. 81 00:04:58,382 --> 00:04:59,800 - Look whose little princess… - Yeah. 82 00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:01,593 …has some pipes! 83 00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:02,803 Nice! 84 00:05:02,886 --> 00:05:05,097 - Bravo! - Please don't patronize me. 85 00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:07,683 That wasn't nearly good enough, and I can't blame it all on the piano. 86 00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:09,268 Okay. Wow. 87 00:05:09,351 --> 00:05:11,270 I'm never gonna get the lead in the school play. 88 00:05:11,353 --> 00:05:12,813 Don't say that, sweetie. 89 00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,440 Look, you sound great, just keep working at it. 90 00:05:15,524 --> 00:05:17,234 And if you get the role, you get it, and if you don't, 91 00:05:17,317 --> 00:05:18,694 there's nothing wrong with the ensemble. 92 00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:22,114 Or maybe you could just call my teacher and get me the lead role? 93 00:05:22,197 --> 00:05:25,158 No, maybe I cannot do that. 94 00:05:25,242 --> 00:05:28,078 We don't coast on the McConaughey name in this family, sweetie. 95 00:05:28,954 --> 00:05:31,623 You know, I mean, look, we were just talking about this, Clara. 96 00:05:31,707 --> 00:05:34,793 You ready for a little LLL, life learnable lesson? 97 00:05:34,877 --> 00:05:36,378 Your name gets you in some doors, 98 00:05:36,461 --> 00:05:40,174 but after that you gotta earn whatever you get from there on your own. 99 00:05:40,257 --> 00:05:42,551 You got to put in the work, gotta stick to the process, 100 00:05:42,634 --> 00:05:45,762 you gotta trust the validation will come when it's time, okay? 101 00:05:45,846 --> 00:05:47,806 It's called "paying your dues." 102 00:05:47,890 --> 00:05:51,185 I mean, look, you got two pretty great actors at your disposal, 103 00:05:51,268 --> 00:05:53,478 Oscar-winner, Oscar… 104 00:05:53,562 --> 00:05:55,105 What do you call that when you don't? 105 00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:56,190 Nominee. 106 00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:57,441 Nominee. 107 00:05:57,524 --> 00:06:00,235 I know it's hard to tell from River's piano playing, 108 00:06:00,319 --> 00:06:01,570 but it's supposed to be musical. 109 00:06:01,653 --> 00:06:03,655 Yeah, I'm the problem here. 110 00:06:03,739 --> 00:06:05,157 I'm just saying… 111 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:06,825 It's really all about the singing, 112 00:06:06,909 --> 00:06:08,785 so I doubt you guys could teach me anything. 113 00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:12,873 - Au-to-the-contraire, lady. - Yeah. 114 00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:16,251 We happen to be rather amazing musicians. 115 00:06:16,335 --> 00:06:18,754 - In fact, I think if it weren't… - Yeah. 116 00:06:18,837 --> 00:06:22,216 …for the acting getting in the way, we probably would've won Grammys. 117 00:06:22,299 --> 00:06:25,677 Right. But this is Little Shop of Horrors, so it's probably not your style. 118 00:06:25,761 --> 00:06:27,930 - Not our style? - Oh, please. 119 00:06:28,013 --> 00:06:29,014 Hey… 120 00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:31,141 - Why're you pretending to know our style? - Not our style. 121 00:06:31,225 --> 00:06:32,893 - I mean, we don't even know our style. - Right. 122 00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:34,394 We're undefinable. 123 00:06:34,478 --> 00:06:35,521 You gotta hear it. 124 00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:40,442 - I will never let you down… - Yeah… Never let you down… 125 00:06:40,526 --> 00:06:41,693 How's the song go? 126 00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:44,613 My love 127 00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:46,406 Never let you down 128 00:06:47,491 --> 00:06:49,493 No, no, no 129 00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:52,246 My love 130 00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:53,580 - Never let… - Never let you… 131 00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:54,873 Well, good. Keep going. Good. One, two… 132 00:06:54,957 --> 00:06:58,126 You know, I remember when men used to do things. 133 00:06:58,210 --> 00:07:01,463 - I mean, substantial things. - My love 134 00:07:01,547 --> 00:07:03,882 Never let you down… 135 00:07:05,133 --> 00:07:07,803 I'll always be around 136 00:07:11,515 --> 00:07:13,267 Literal rock star. 137 00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:16,562 Thank you for sharing. I mean, like, hobbies are super important. 138 00:07:16,645 --> 00:07:18,647 - This was… an experience. - See? 139 00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:22,067 We've been trying to tell y'all we're a couple of multi-hyphenated, 140 00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:23,360 dual potentials. 141 00:07:27,322 --> 00:07:28,323 Yeah, man. 142 00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:29,825 All right, so what's the plan? 143 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:36,248 Well, if Matthew and I can put our differences aside on the sound, 144 00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:39,376 I'm thinking Europe first, build a cult following… 145 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,920 Theaters, and then festival run-- 146 00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:43,589 Okay, what happens up there? 147 00:07:43,672 --> 00:07:46,008 - Dad, I need you to focus. - I am. 148 00:07:46,091 --> 00:07:47,843 I'm talking about Matthew's DNA. 149 00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:50,429 Did you get anything off him while you guys were playing tennis? 150 00:07:50,512 --> 00:07:53,515 Maybe some… some blood? Or sweat? 151 00:07:53,599 --> 00:07:55,684 While playing tennis with the Wilson brothers? 152 00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,644 That requires full focus. 153 00:07:57,728 --> 00:08:01,523 Have you seen Owen's ground stroke since he started golfing regularly? 154 00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:04,610 No. And besides, I thought you were on top of the DNA? 155 00:08:04,693 --> 00:08:07,070 Me? I can't be the only detective here. 156 00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:09,072 Plus, everyone just sits on the couch all day. 157 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,490 No one ever leaves this house. 158 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:14,494 I mean, I can't be a criminal mastermind in these conditions. Okay? 159 00:08:14,578 --> 00:08:15,871 Look, you have to help me. 160 00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:20,125 Okay, so what you need is basically a vacated house for a little while? 161 00:08:20,209 --> 00:08:22,419 - Yes. - Okay. Okay. 162 00:08:22,503 --> 00:08:24,796 - Don't do the… - Okay… 163 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:29,635 Ha. Ha. Bingo, bango, bongo. 164 00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:33,472 Oh, boy, what a beautiful mind you have, Wood. 165 00:08:35,097 --> 00:08:39,061 So, when you go to the audition, you have to be the character on, "Hello." 166 00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:42,105 Director's don't wanna see an actress act like the character, 167 00:08:42,188 --> 00:08:45,359 they wanna meet the actress and go, "Oh, my gosh, she is the character." 168 00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:48,445 Right? Now, let me tell you about the first time I auditioned for Nolan-- 169 00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:49,988 I gotta take this. 170 00:08:50,948 --> 00:08:52,282 When did you get a cell phone? 171 00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:53,700 It's just my burner. 172 00:08:54,201 --> 00:08:56,453 Yep. Thanks for returning my call, Principal Trish. 173 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,331 Man, I am not getting through to this kid. 174 00:08:59,998 --> 00:09:02,167 I have an idea I think could help. 175 00:09:02,251 --> 00:09:05,420 Both because I know we're gonna be the next Sonny and Cher, 176 00:09:05,504 --> 00:09:07,798 and also because it'll teach your daughter 177 00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:11,051 the importance of hard work and not trading off your fame. 178 00:09:11,134 --> 00:09:12,553 - Please. I'm listening. - Okay. 179 00:09:13,679 --> 00:09:16,098 I think it's time we booked a gig. 180 00:09:17,307 --> 00:09:19,893 - You think? - I know. Well, think about it. 181 00:09:19,977 --> 00:09:23,313 - Wyatt works at a coffee shop, right? - Yeah. 182 00:09:23,939 --> 00:09:25,440 That's a perfect venue. 183 00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:31,488 Bob Dylan, Jimi Hendrix, Jason Mraz, got their starts in coffee shops. 184 00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:33,198 We'll be supporting Wyatt 185 00:09:33,282 --> 00:09:35,701 - as well as teaching Clara a lesson… - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 186 00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:37,870 - …which she clearly needs to learn. - Yeah. 187 00:09:37,953 --> 00:09:39,621 If we go out there as Woody and Matthew, 188 00:09:39,705 --> 00:09:41,748 we're not gonna be getting honest reactions from the public. 189 00:09:41,832 --> 00:09:43,584 - Oh, right. - Right? You know what I mean? 190 00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:46,253 That's in direct opposition of what I'm trying to teach Clara. 191 00:09:46,336 --> 00:09:47,754 - These mugs… - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. 192 00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:49,590 …you can't turn them off, man. They're beloved. 193 00:09:49,673 --> 00:09:51,258 Leave that part to me. 194 00:10:16,867 --> 00:10:18,410 How you going, sheilas? 195 00:10:18,493 --> 00:10:20,162 No. No, no, no, no, no. 196 00:10:20,245 --> 00:10:21,663 - You guys look insane. - Yeah, yeah. 197 00:10:21,747 --> 00:10:23,081 - Thank you. - Yeah, yeah. 198 00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:25,334 - Who did this to you? - Best in the biz, love. 199 00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:27,544 Hooked up with the team who did the prosthetics 200 00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:29,922 on Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder. 201 00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:31,924 What's the accent? 202 00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:33,008 - Outback. - Right. 203 00:10:33,091 --> 00:10:34,259 Liverpool. 204 00:10:34,760 --> 00:10:36,512 I couldn't do the Australian… 205 00:10:36,595 --> 00:10:38,847 Sure. Yeah, but you can do the Liverpool. 206 00:10:39,598 --> 00:10:42,226 - These older men are your friends? - I think you being groomed. 207 00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:43,685 No, I'm not being groomed. 208 00:10:43,769 --> 00:10:47,648 And I will close here every night this week if you let them perform. 209 00:10:49,525 --> 00:10:50,651 We'll think about it. 210 00:10:50,734 --> 00:10:52,402 Okay. Thank you. 211 00:10:52,486 --> 00:10:53,737 Am I being punished? 212 00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:56,782 Why do I have to listen to more of Dad and Uncle Woody's terrible music? 213 00:10:57,366 --> 00:10:59,660 Because your father, in his own, unique way, 214 00:10:59,743 --> 00:11:01,495 is trying to teach you a lesson. 215 00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:03,288 Okay, the McConaugheys do not take shortcuts. 216 00:11:03,372 --> 00:11:04,831 As my mother used to say, 217 00:11:04,915 --> 00:11:06,708 "Shortcuts get you there faster, 218 00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:08,752 but hard work makes it worth it." 219 00:11:08,836 --> 00:11:10,671 But then what's the point of being famous? 220 00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:13,131 Let's just go inside and watch your father's stupid show 221 00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:16,301 and learn the lesson he's teaching you so we can all just move on with our lives. 222 00:11:16,385 --> 00:11:18,679 I bet Blue Ivy doesn't have to deal with this crap. 223 00:11:18,762 --> 00:11:19,972 Hello, sir. 224 00:11:20,597 --> 00:11:24,601 Well, hello, customer. What can I get you this fine day? 225 00:11:24,685 --> 00:11:27,729 Could I please get a vanilla frappe? 226 00:11:27,813 --> 00:11:29,565 And don't skimp on the vegan whipped cream. 227 00:11:29,648 --> 00:11:31,316 Yes, ma'am. 228 00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:32,693 That is coming up. 229 00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:35,320 And this is for you, barista boy. 230 00:11:36,488 --> 00:11:38,407 - Wow. Thank you very much, customer. - What? 231 00:11:38,490 --> 00:11:39,491 Coming up. 232 00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,201 Fifty bucks? 233 00:11:41,827 --> 00:11:43,954 - You must really like him. - Oh, no. 234 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:48,500 He's just my friend and the tip, it's a joke. I'm pranking him. 235 00:11:48,584 --> 00:11:50,460 - Yeah, that's hilarious. Prank us too. - Yeah. 236 00:11:50,961 --> 00:11:52,379 Cough it up. 237 00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:02,723 Okay. 238 00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,277 Seriously? 239 00:12:19,823 --> 00:12:21,700 Roots DNA Testing. This is Brad. 240 00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:24,244 In order to best assist, what is your first name? 241 00:12:24,328 --> 00:12:25,329 It's Olive. 242 00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:27,915 Hi, Olive, and how can I help you? 243 00:12:27,998 --> 00:12:31,418 Hypothetically, if I was looking for someone's DNA, 244 00:12:31,502 --> 00:12:33,462 but I couldn't, like, you know, 245 00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:35,672 ask them for it, 246 00:12:36,381 --> 00:12:37,633 where should I look? 247 00:12:37,716 --> 00:12:39,051 Oh, my God. 248 00:12:39,134 --> 00:12:40,969 Girl, tell me everything. 249 00:12:42,804 --> 00:12:45,390 Small, cramped, authentic green room, mate. 250 00:12:45,474 --> 00:12:46,475 I like it. 251 00:12:46,558 --> 00:12:48,602 Well, the lower we go, the higher we climb. 252 00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:50,020 - From the looks of this place… - Yeah. 253 00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:52,606 …we're going to the tippy-top of the tippy-top. 254 00:12:52,689 --> 00:12:54,566 Tippy-top, mate. Yeah. Yeah. 255 00:12:54,650 --> 00:12:55,984 - Oh, hey, guys. - Oi. 256 00:12:56,068 --> 00:12:57,736 Hey, need us onstage, barista boy? 257 00:12:58,779 --> 00:13:01,323 Well, I was just getting some decaf beans actually, 258 00:13:01,406 --> 00:13:03,158 but, yeah, you guys are good to go whenever. 259 00:13:03,242 --> 00:13:05,369 Yeah. You hear my heart? Bouncing through my chest. 260 00:13:08,413 --> 00:13:10,249 You ready to rock? 261 00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:14,461 Crank it up. 262 00:13:14,545 --> 00:13:18,715 - Let's burn this fucker down! - …fucker down! Yeah! 263 00:13:18,799 --> 00:13:21,093 - Let's go! - Yeah, let's go, baby! 264 00:13:21,176 --> 00:13:22,845 Yeah. Yeah! 265 00:13:26,807 --> 00:13:31,103 'Cause we are stargazers 266 00:13:31,186 --> 00:13:33,939 Neon light chasers 267 00:13:34,022 --> 00:13:37,067 Seen more sunrises on my backside 268 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,443 Than the front 269 00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:44,116 'Cause we telling you no lies 270 00:13:44,199 --> 00:13:50,247 And we're here to testify 271 00:13:53,542 --> 00:13:55,502 Oat latte for Jamal. 272 00:13:56,837 --> 00:13:58,839 Oat latte for Jamal. 273 00:13:59,381 --> 00:14:02,134 Dude, nobody's paying attention. 274 00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:04,011 Stick with it, mate. We got this. Keep playing. 275 00:14:04,094 --> 00:14:05,387 Keep playing. 276 00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:08,891 'Cause we are stargazers… 277 00:14:08,974 --> 00:14:09,975 What? 278 00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:12,436 - Neon light chasers… - I can't hear you. 279 00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:14,813 - Seen more sunrises from the backside - I can't he… 280 00:14:14,897 --> 00:14:15,981 Let me step outside. 281 00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:17,441 Than the front 282 00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:19,776 No, I told Dad to cancel the appointment. 283 00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:22,237 They don't like our kind 284 00:14:22,321 --> 00:14:24,531 They don't pay our kind… 285 00:14:24,615 --> 00:14:26,742 I think I'm learning the wrong lesson. 286 00:14:26,825 --> 00:14:29,369 Stealing our spit to shine their shoes 287 00:14:29,453 --> 00:14:31,038 You know, and then I'm like, 288 00:14:31,121 --> 00:14:33,540 my dad wasn't really there for me when I was growing up, 289 00:14:33,624 --> 00:14:36,710 so, like, why do I care so much about this DNA hunt, you know? 290 00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:39,004 Stop. I literally feel like I'm talking 291 00:14:39,087 --> 00:14:42,174 to the girl version of myself right now. It's insane. 292 00:14:42,257 --> 00:14:44,384 Brad! Are you coming? 293 00:14:44,468 --> 00:14:45,594 No, no. You guys go ahead. 294 00:14:46,220 --> 00:14:48,639 Sorry, it's this bitch Dina's birthday and she always wears the dumbest hats. 295 00:14:48,722 --> 00:14:49,723 Keep going. 296 00:14:49,806 --> 00:14:50,807 You know, 297 00:14:51,391 --> 00:14:54,853 maybe I'm just drawn to, like, unavailable men. 298 00:14:54,937 --> 00:14:58,023 Maybe. Look, the same thing happened with my stepdad, Ron. 299 00:14:58,106 --> 00:15:00,567 When he got really into the flat Earth stuff, 300 00:15:00,651 --> 00:15:03,237 I knew that if I wanted to keep a relationship, 301 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:06,198 I was gonna have to go to some of those bullshit conventions. 302 00:15:06,281 --> 00:15:07,866 But here's the twist. 303 00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:11,203 A lot of what they said at the meetings made a ton of sense. 304 00:15:11,870 --> 00:15:15,541 Look, my AA sponsor has been pushing me to, like, put myself out there more. 305 00:15:15,624 --> 00:15:17,459 Would you wanna grab drinks sometime? 306 00:15:17,543 --> 00:15:19,670 Oh, my God. I was just about to ask you that. 307 00:15:19,753 --> 00:15:23,799 Oh, my God. Okay. I'm gonna DM you. 308 00:15:23,882 --> 00:15:27,219 Expect a message from someone named DJ Ray. 309 00:15:27,302 --> 00:15:29,012 Hold on. I'm getting another call. 310 00:15:30,681 --> 00:15:31,932 Hello? 311 00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:34,017 Olive, it's your father on your mother's phone. 312 00:15:35,310 --> 00:15:36,562 Have you found anything? 313 00:15:36,645 --> 00:15:39,565 I don't know how much longer we're gonna be going. 314 00:15:39,648 --> 00:15:41,608 We're just getting killed in there. 315 00:15:41,692 --> 00:15:43,610 Okay, why is this all on me? 316 00:15:43,694 --> 00:15:45,696 I'm literally on the phone right now with customer support 317 00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:47,698 because I can't find any of Matthew's DNA. 318 00:15:47,781 --> 00:15:51,118 That man has the body hair of a goddamn banana. 319 00:15:51,201 --> 00:15:52,536 Yeah, why does everyone keep… 320 00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:53,954 You know what? It doesn't matter. 321 00:15:54,037 --> 00:15:56,206 We need to find something that has touched Matthew's body 322 00:15:56,290 --> 00:15:59,710 that hasn't been, like, scrubbed or, like, sterilized. 323 00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:02,004 Just come down here, and we'll work it out. 324 00:16:02,087 --> 00:16:05,924 Plus, we're about to start on some ballads. 325 00:16:06,592 --> 00:16:08,594 Dad, I'm focusing right now, okay? 326 00:16:08,677 --> 00:16:11,054 Could you just let me get back to it? Okay, bye. 327 00:16:11,972 --> 00:16:12,973 Brad? 328 00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:22,983 Goodbye, Woody, and welcome back, Brutus. 329 00:16:28,113 --> 00:16:31,617 Hey, listen. It's not our fault. All right? 330 00:16:31,700 --> 00:16:34,369 It's the fucking 4:00 p.m. time slot we got, right? 331 00:16:34,453 --> 00:16:35,621 It's the fucking venue, mate. 332 00:16:35,704 --> 00:16:39,124 Shitty acoustics, all the chair backs facing the wrong direction, 333 00:16:39,208 --> 00:16:42,503 blenders going off in the background, no room on the fucking dance floor. 334 00:16:42,586 --> 00:16:44,421 And hey, let's talk about the audience. 335 00:16:44,505 --> 00:16:48,091 A bunch of unsophisticated, plebeian lowlifes 336 00:16:48,175 --> 00:16:51,303 who have no appreciation for great music. 337 00:16:51,386 --> 00:16:54,515 Yeah, mate. Hey, at least our families are here, yeah? 338 00:16:54,598 --> 00:16:56,600 Dude, I'm talking about our families. 339 00:16:56,683 --> 00:17:01,146 Twenty bucks if you come inside and clap for the band that's playing! 340 00:17:01,230 --> 00:17:03,065 Am I interrupting anything? Twenty bucks. 341 00:17:03,148 --> 00:17:04,650 Go inside, clap for the band that's playing. 342 00:17:04,733 --> 00:17:06,859 Hey! I see you! Get back in there! 343 00:17:06,944 --> 00:17:11,615 Hey, lady. For 50 bucks, I'll go back inside. 344 00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,367 I'm not gonna pay you to support your own son. 345 00:17:13,450 --> 00:17:15,827 Well, suit yourself. 346 00:17:15,911 --> 00:17:16,954 Look, mate, hey. 347 00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:20,790 Every great band was misunderstood in the beginning. All right? 348 00:17:20,874 --> 00:17:22,960 We just gotta keep punching, mate. 349 00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,045 I mean, sure, we could take off our disguises now, 350 00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:27,923 walk in there and get a quick hit of validation, right? 351 00:17:28,006 --> 00:17:29,049 But we'd be ruining 352 00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:32,678 the great life lesson that we're trying to teach my daughter, Brutus. 353 00:17:32,761 --> 00:17:33,846 Absolutely. 354 00:17:33,929 --> 00:17:35,097 - Right? - Yes. 355 00:17:37,432 --> 00:17:38,433 On the other hand… 356 00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:40,018 I'm listening. 357 00:17:40,102 --> 00:17:41,812 Woody and Matthew, right? 358 00:17:46,066 --> 00:17:47,860 Woody and Matthew, you and me. 359 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:52,447 Dude, we put blood, sweat and tears into our careers. Right? 360 00:17:52,531 --> 00:17:53,532 That's a good point. 361 00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:55,325 We earned our scars to get right here today. 362 00:17:55,409 --> 00:17:56,743 Plenty of scars. Yeah. 363 00:17:56,827 --> 00:17:57,911 We don't need to make an excuse. 364 00:17:57,995 --> 00:17:59,830 We don't have to fucking act like it's fucking Halloween 365 00:17:59,913 --> 00:18:01,540 to go in there and prove some fucking point, man. 366 00:18:01,623 --> 00:18:02,833 - I argue this, man. - Yeah. 367 00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:05,210 - I think it'd be a better example… - Right. 368 00:18:05,294 --> 00:18:08,005 …if you and I go in there as us and show our children 369 00:18:08,088 --> 00:18:12,885 that their dads know how to enjoy the fruits of our labor. 370 00:18:12,968 --> 00:18:14,428 Fuck to the yeah, man! 371 00:18:14,511 --> 00:18:16,013 - You are Matthew McConaughey! - Yeah. 372 00:18:16,096 --> 00:18:17,598 - You are Woody Harrelson! - And I'm-- 373 00:18:17,681 --> 00:18:20,934 Let's just stop covering up the fucking goods, right? 374 00:18:21,018 --> 00:18:23,395 We'll give them what God gave us right fucking now, brother. 375 00:18:24,605 --> 00:18:28,066 - Hello, Austin! Oh, yeah! - Hello, Austin, Texas! 376 00:18:29,818 --> 00:18:31,278 This is Woody Harrelson. 377 00:18:31,361 --> 00:18:32,613 This is Matthew McConaughey. 378 00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:36,617 Thank you for being here. This song's called "My Love." 379 00:18:36,700 --> 00:18:41,163 We wrote this on a little cop show called True Detective. 380 00:18:49,796 --> 00:18:50,964 Been bound up 381 00:18:51,048 --> 00:18:54,051 Been wound up Could barely get a sound up… 382 00:18:54,885 --> 00:18:56,887 Are Wyatt's friends famous or something? 383 00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:59,806 I don't know, but I call dibs on the old one. 384 00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:02,851 - Which one is the old one? - Doesn't matter. 385 00:19:02,935 --> 00:19:07,481 My love never lets you down 386 00:19:09,107 --> 00:19:12,402 I'll always be around 387 00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:21,870 Thank you very much! 388 00:19:22,454 --> 00:19:23,497 That's for you, Clara. 389 00:19:26,708 --> 00:19:27,709 Enter. 390 00:19:28,293 --> 00:19:29,378 Hey. 391 00:19:30,379 --> 00:19:31,713 What you doing, Clara Bear? 392 00:19:31,797 --> 00:19:33,382 Just checking the Asian markets. 393 00:19:33,465 --> 00:19:34,716 Speaking of markets, 394 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:38,554 this is a check that I am making out to your school 395 00:19:38,637 --> 00:19:41,890 in a very sizable amount. 396 00:19:41,974 --> 00:19:43,809 - Very generous. - Yeah, it's actually a gift. 397 00:19:43,892 --> 00:19:45,602 It's not meant to influence, like, 398 00:19:45,686 --> 00:19:47,479 for instance, whether you get the part in the play or not 399 00:19:47,563 --> 00:19:49,398 because you're gonna get that on your own merit, right? 400 00:19:49,481 --> 00:19:50,983 Can you make this out to cash? 401 00:19:51,066 --> 00:19:52,067 All of it? 402 00:19:52,150 --> 00:19:53,861 Yeah, just cash. Right there. 403 00:19:53,944 --> 00:19:55,696 You do… You do understand 404 00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:58,574 what I'm trying to teach you though, right? 405 00:19:58,657 --> 00:19:59,992 Yeah. Cash. 406 00:20:04,788 --> 00:20:06,999 I'm sorry today was a bust. 407 00:20:07,499 --> 00:20:08,917 No, it wasn't a total bust. 408 00:20:09,543 --> 00:20:13,672 One of the baristas is interning at Sony Music next summer 409 00:20:13,755 --> 00:20:15,591 and I got her contact info. 410 00:20:15,674 --> 00:20:19,344 So now, what? You're gonna snip one of Matthew's locks while he's sleeping? 411 00:20:23,807 --> 00:20:24,808 What? 412 00:20:26,977 --> 00:20:28,145 What? 413 00:20:29,980 --> 00:20:30,981 Open it. 414 00:20:31,940 --> 00:20:32,941 What is it? 415 00:20:39,615 --> 00:20:40,699 What is that? 416 00:20:40,782 --> 00:20:42,242 Remove it carefully. 417 00:20:44,244 --> 00:20:49,458 Has anyone ever gotten a DNA sample from a prosthetic nose before? 418 00:20:50,292 --> 00:20:54,713 Okay, I'm legitimately impressed and completely grossed out. 419 00:20:54,796 --> 00:20:57,841 And the lucky thing is he had a slight nosebleed, 420 00:20:57,925 --> 00:21:02,763 so we got the holy trinity. Hair, blood, mucus. 421 00:21:02,846 --> 00:21:05,933 - Oh, my God. Good job, man. - Thank you. 422 00:21:06,016 --> 00:21:07,226 I'ma call Brad. 423 00:21:07,768 --> 00:21:09,019 Who's Brad? 424 00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:10,646 Brad. From Roots DNA. 425 00:21:11,230 --> 00:21:12,481 He has no filter. 426 00:21:13,023 --> 00:21:15,067 We're gonna go to Cabo together in a couple of weeks. 427 00:21:15,567 --> 00:21:16,818 Okay. 428 00:21:16,902 --> 00:21:18,862 No turning back now.