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[percussive music playing]
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[Fallon] Matthew McConaughey,
Woody Harrelson. You saw it, right? No--
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Has everybody seen the punch?
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[person] Oh, my God.
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Just a good old-fashioned
clock to the face.
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McConaughey was not fucking around.
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{\an8}Walk us through what we're seeing here.
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{\an8}Very subtle traces of aggression.
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Good morning, Australia.
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How about some
Hollywood punch for brekkie?
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[in Georgian] American actor Matthew
McConaughey punched Ed Harris in the face.
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[in English] And would you believe
it gets even weirder
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than one movie star punching
his friend/brother/fellow movie star
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- in front of Dax Shepard?
- Oh, wow.
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No one's heard from McConaughey
since it happened.
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[crowd clamoring]
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{\an8}He's a white male.
Uh, Oscar winner, 6 foot tall...
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{\an8}Well, he looks a lot taller in person
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{\an8}'cause of vibes and energy
and stuff like that. Um...
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{\an8}Here is what he looks like
when he's going for a western aesthetic.
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{\an8}And, uh, this is what he looks like
on a cozy Sunday afternoon.
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{\an8}And, oh, yeah, well, okay,
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{\an8}so there's now a slight chance that
he might look something like this.
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{\an8}Dad, if you're out there, come home.
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[phone buzzing]
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[buzzing continues]
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[buzzing continues]
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["Give A Little Bit" playing]
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[line ringing]
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[Val] Come on.
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- The voicemail inbox--
- [groans] He's still not answering.
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I've called his agent.
I've called his manager.
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If we don't find him soon,
he'll miss the rally.
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- What's happening?
- Oh.
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- Oh, babe, your eye is worse.
- [Gwen] Can everyone just focus up?
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I can spin a punch.
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I can even spin
the incest cousins over here.
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- We're not cousins.
- I'm adopted.
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But I cannot spin a candidate
ghosting his own campaign rally.
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My priority is keeping this campaign
from falling apart before it even begins.
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There is a rally this afternoon.
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We all need to focus on making sure
that Matthew is on that stage.
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Especially you.
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You need to put some shoes on
those filthy, little hobbit feet,
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and go find Matthew and apologize to him,
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and bring him back here to me.
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Does that sound doable?
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Apologize for getting sucker punched?
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Unlikely.
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For weeks,
I have been protecting his feelings,
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looking after him
like I've done our entire friendship.
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I-If anybody should be apologizing
around here, it's her.
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She's kept this secret
for 50 fucking years.
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[Val] Ma Mac, come on.
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You must have something to say about this.
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Nope. I'ma make some chili.
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I know that this is all very personal,
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but it might help
to just share your feelings.
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I said...
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I'ma make some chili.
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- Okay.
- [Jimmy] Hey!
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- Damn paparazzi.
- [shutter clicking]
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You, parasite!
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[grunts]
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I will end you, man.
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I have very little to live for.
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I don't wanna escalate this, but I will.
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- A family lives here.
- Jimmy?
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- Hey.
- Are you okay?
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Yeah. Just keeping these animals at bay.
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Holy shit! What happened to you?
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- I gave myself a black eye.
- Jimmy, why would you do that?
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In solidarity with your dad.
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Baby, I had to.
I jammed my face into a tent pole.
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Super hard. Harder than I intended to.
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Vision was a little shaky.
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It was touch and go for a minute,
but it feels like it's good now.
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- We're back in business, so...
- Jimmy, don't...
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I mean, you already did, but, like,
don't do stuff like that, please.
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Olive, your family means the world to me.
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The world. I need you to know that.
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[romantic music playing]
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Yeah, I do.
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Good.
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Hey. Uh...
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Have you by any chance had more time
to think about our situation?
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'Cause at least for me,
I keep thinking about
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how insightful Brian Williams
was about everything.
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I was so shook by that.
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Yeah. Um, you know,
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I just feel like there's a lot going on
right now with Matthew and my dad,
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and now Matthew's missing, so, um,
I should probably go and help find him.
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But, um...
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you should really ice that thing
'cause it-it looks kind of infected.
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Baby, this is a classic
avoidant attachment style.
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Brian would want us to talk through this.
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They gave him a Peabody, honey.
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They don't give that to anybody.
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[shutter clicking]
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I guess we're fucking doing this, man.
I warned you.
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[Woody] Fuck Matthew and Ma Mac.
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What the hell?
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[Joy] Hey.
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Can you give me a hand with this?
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That's theirs.
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Oh. Piece of shit anyway.
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Look, Woody,
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I really hate seeing you like this.
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It must have been so hard for you
just holding all of that inside,
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and I wish I had been there
for you through all of it.
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Well, I did try to tell you, honey.
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I know.
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In my defense, a lot of crazy shit
comes out of your mouth.
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You know, I twisted myself into
a fucking dreadlock keeping this secret,
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so as not to hurt Matthew.
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And did he think about
that for one second?
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No. He just thought of himself.
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As usual.
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So if he wants to run off to
wherever he is and not talk to me,
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then I don't need to stick around here
and wait for him.
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And don't even get me started on Ma Mac.
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You know, Woody,
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think about how hard it was for you
to hold on to that secret for a few weeks.
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And you didn't do it
because you're an asshole,
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you did it because you were trying
to protect Matthew.
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Ma Mac held on to that secret for decades.
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Probably for the same reasons.
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[sentimental music playing]
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[sighs]
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Grab the kids. We're going.
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And you know what?
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I'm taking this chair.
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[softly] Okay.
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[birds chirping]
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- [clears throat]
- Oh, what's up?
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No, I did... I didn't say anything.
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Oh.
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- So do you wanna talk about, um--
- Yeah.
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The whole "us being cousins
but also dating" thing.
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Yeah, um, sure, sounds like a blast.
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Let's talk about it forever.
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I mean, we're not technically, like--
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Yeah. No, right. E-Exactly.
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- Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
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I mean, I feel great about it.
I'm not even thinking about it.
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- Incest what?
- You don't have to say incest. I...
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- [Woody] Olive! Kai!
- I think maybe I should...
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- I'm just gonna... Yeah.
- Yeah, go ahead.
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- Well, I'm really glad we talked.
- Yeah. For sure.
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[Woody] Harrelsons! Wheels up!
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Vámonos.
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[Kai, in English] I'll catch you later.
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[Jimmy] Hey, can I give you
a hand with the...
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- I'm fine.
- I have my car here.
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So I was thinking we could totally
do the drive together.
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We're going to the same place.
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It just kinda feels like
you're running away...
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- What? No.
- ...and leaving me alone
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at Matthew McConaughey's house.
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Which would be awesome
under normal circumstances.
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No. It's just my dad needs to be
with his family right now.
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Okay. Well, then...
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We'll talk soon.
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- Okay.
- Okay.
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[Val] I can't believe
the Harrelsons just left.
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[sighs]
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Really, Ma Mac?
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Right now's a good time for chili?
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People gotta eat.
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I'm sorry. Are you really
not feeling anything right now?
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[scoffs]
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You know, people are getting
mighty goddamned accustomed
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to treating me like some dusty,
old bird around here.
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"Why'd she do this?
Why didn't she do that?"
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Like you all know
how you'd stand in my shoes.
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I just genuinely don't understand why
you're not more worried about your son.
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Matthew's a grown man
who's out there feeling things.
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Not some baby fell down a well.
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Wherever the hell he went...
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he went there for a reason.
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- Is that Matthew McConaughey?
- Shh, shut up, Josh.
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Why's he here?
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I said shut up, Josh.
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Should I go talk to him?
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If you ruin this for me, Josh,
I swear to fucking God...
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{\an8}[Dax] First you're finding out
that about your father,
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but then to learn you
and your best friend, Woody Harrelson,
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have the same biological father.
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- [Dax] That's gotta be mind-blowing, no?
- Holy shit.
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00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:26,107
Matthew McConaughey
and Woody Harrelson are brothers.
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{\an8}Certainly in light of everything going on,
there will be increased interest
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{\an8}in McConaughey's rally this afternoon,
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{\an8}where the actor will officially announce
his gubernatorial run.
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{\an8}We'll see you at the rally, motherfucker.
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Yeah.
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[Joy] Feels good
to be back on the road, right?
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00:09:45,002 --> 00:09:46,127
Yeah.
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00:09:46,128 --> 00:09:48,462
- Yeah, totally.
- Totally.
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00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:49,755
How about some music?
200
00:09:49,756 --> 00:09:51,299
- No.
- [Kai] No.
201
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:53,009
Audiobook? Podcast?
202
00:09:53,010 --> 00:09:54,260
- [Kai groans]
- Spoken word?
203
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:56,471
- No. Uh-uh.
- No?
204
00:09:59,016 --> 00:10:00,099
Okay. No. You know what?
205
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:01,601
Fuck this. All right. Stop the bus.
206
00:10:01,602 --> 00:10:02,727
- What?
- Mom.
207
00:10:02,728 --> 00:10:04,645
- Woody, stop the goddamn bus!
- What? Hold!
208
00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:06,397
[tires screeching]
209
00:10:06,398 --> 00:10:07,815
[objects clattering]
210
00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:09,568
[softly] Okay. All right.
211
00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:12,528
You selfish assholes.
212
00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:13,905
This trip was not for me.
213
00:10:13,906 --> 00:10:16,073
I was perfectly fine staying at home,
214
00:10:16,074 --> 00:10:17,909
playing pickleball
with Courteney Cox-Arquette
215
00:10:17,910 --> 00:10:18,993
and Jake Gyllenhaal.
216
00:10:18,994 --> 00:10:21,704
Have you seen that man in shorts?
A gift from God.
217
00:10:21,705 --> 00:10:23,664
- Relax.
- Okay. You know what? No, you relax.
218
00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:26,125
This whole thing started
with you running from love.
219
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:28,085
And you for running from estrogen.
220
00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:30,838
And me just going along with it
to support you
221
00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:32,381
because that's my fucking deal.
222
00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:35,384
But this time something magic
actually happened, okay.
223
00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:37,970
Olive, you let your guard down.
224
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:40,973
You were vulnerable
with Jimmy and your dad.
225
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:44,268
Kai, man, you were
always our fearless one.
226
00:10:44,269 --> 00:10:47,813
Now look at you, running away
from your non-cousin's love.
227
00:10:47,814 --> 00:10:49,482
- What? I'm sor-- Mom, that's not--
- [Joy] No. Okay.
228
00:10:49,483 --> 00:10:51,484
Woody, you were selfless.
229
00:10:51,485 --> 00:10:53,653
You did everything you could
to protect your best friend
230
00:10:53,654 --> 00:10:54,779
and your brother.
231
00:10:54,780 --> 00:11:00,910
My point is, we became this wild, weird,
wonderful family with the McConaugheys.
232
00:11:00,911 --> 00:11:04,163
It unlocked something in all of us
and I am here for it,
233
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:05,998
so, just please,
234
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:09,794
can we be the family that lives on a bus,
but because we're free?
235
00:11:09,795 --> 00:11:11,880
Not because we're running from something.
236
00:11:12,381 --> 00:11:14,091
Especially not the people we love.
237
00:11:17,761 --> 00:11:18,887
Holy shit, Mom.
238
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,056
Yeah, you might be right.
239
00:11:26,436 --> 00:11:29,940
If the kids weren't here,
I would take you right now.
240
00:11:32,109 --> 00:11:34,987
- Ew. Oh.
- Really? Oh!
241
00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:36,696
Here we go.
242
00:11:36,697 --> 00:11:38,365
[upbeat music playing]
243
00:11:48,417 --> 00:11:50,626
- Jimmy?
- What happened? Did you get car sick?
244
00:11:50,627 --> 00:11:52,128
I have ginger ale in the tent.
245
00:11:52,129 --> 00:11:54,422
- It's warm, but-- Hey. Hey.
- Hi.
246
00:11:54,423 --> 00:11:56,215
- I'm so sorry.
- Okay.
247
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:58,301
- Let's start a family.
- No.
248
00:11:58,302 --> 00:11:59,594
We can adopt.
249
00:11:59,595 --> 00:12:00,596
- Shut up.
- Okay.
250
00:12:02,764 --> 00:12:04,724
- Okay, good. You're here.
- I live here.
251
00:12:04,725 --> 00:12:06,517
I'm sorry that I freaked out,
252
00:12:06,518 --> 00:12:08,394
but it doesn't mean
that I don't wanna make this work
253
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:09,478
because I really like you.
254
00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:11,648
Now, the basis of
a successful relationsh--
255
00:12:15,152 --> 00:12:17,153
Yeah, I really like you too.
256
00:12:17,154 --> 00:12:18,613
[Woody] Jesus Christ, get a room.
257
00:12:18,614 --> 00:12:19,615
- Sorry. Yep.
- All right.
258
00:12:20,616 --> 00:12:21,741
[chuckles]
259
00:12:21,742 --> 00:12:24,494
Yeah, don't you get all smoochy on me.
260
00:12:25,662 --> 00:12:29,457
Ma Mac, I'm sorry everything
went down the way it did.
261
00:12:29,458 --> 00:12:33,461
I should've talked to Matthew myself
and not done the sneaking around,
262
00:12:33,462 --> 00:12:36,006
and the messing with the DNA. And I just...
263
00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:38,591
I hope you'll be able to forgive me.
264
00:12:38,592 --> 00:12:40,801
Oh, don't get all weepy on me.
265
00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:43,721
I forgave you the second
I saw your wackadoodle bus
266
00:12:43,722 --> 00:12:45,723
come creeping back up the driveway.
267
00:12:45,724 --> 00:12:48,851
It just kills me to think
you parked in the kitchen
268
00:12:48,852 --> 00:12:51,854
worried about Matthew,
cooking your feelings away.
269
00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:54,649
What is it with you people and my chili?
270
00:12:54,650 --> 00:12:57,068
I'm not cooking my feelings away.
271
00:12:57,069 --> 00:13:00,071
I'm cooking because sometimes
what a boy needs
272
00:13:00,072 --> 00:13:02,698
is his mama and his favorite meal.
273
00:13:02,699 --> 00:13:05,618
So, just get on to that rally
274
00:13:05,619 --> 00:13:09,540
and buy us some goddamn time
while I go get my son.
275
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:14,086
[singing "Texas Sun"]
276
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:31,103
[crowd cheering]
277
00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:34,272
You only paid me to do one song.
278
00:13:34,273 --> 00:13:35,983
Well, then play that song again.
279
00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:41,697
This is "Texas Sun" again.
280
00:13:47,119 --> 00:13:48,120
[knocking on door]
281
00:13:49,288 --> 00:13:52,874
- Hi.
- I am Matthew McConaughey's mother.
282
00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:57,420
We all used to live here
and I thought he might be here.
283
00:13:57,421 --> 00:13:59,213
No, not here.
284
00:13:59,214 --> 00:14:00,381
Yes, he is.
285
00:14:00,382 --> 00:14:02,008
[whispers] All right, fine. He's here.
286
00:14:02,009 --> 00:14:04,136
But please don't take him away.
287
00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:10,100
[Ma Mac grunting]
288
00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:16,190
I thought that you might be hungry.
289
00:14:17,774 --> 00:14:19,109
[Matthew sighs]
290
00:14:20,277 --> 00:14:22,070
[Ma Mac] Boy. [grunts]
291
00:14:23,197 --> 00:14:24,448
[sighs]
292
00:14:25,407 --> 00:14:26,908
[sighing]
293
00:14:26,909 --> 00:14:28,535
How'd you know I was here?
294
00:14:29,620 --> 00:14:30,621
I'm your mother.
295
00:14:31,580 --> 00:14:35,626
You and Big Mac built this tree house
first week after we moved in here.
296
00:14:36,627 --> 00:14:39,587
You always liked to come
when you wanted some alone time.
297
00:14:39,588 --> 00:14:41,172
Same reason I'm here now, Mom.
298
00:14:41,173 --> 00:14:43,674
You got every right
in the world to be mad at me.
299
00:14:43,675 --> 00:14:44,759
You think so?
300
00:14:44,760 --> 00:14:47,387
Lived my entire life thinking
I was somebody else,
301
00:14:48,472 --> 00:14:52,391
because you had to keep
your goddamn secret.
302
00:14:52,392 --> 00:14:54,310
- I deserve that.
- [scoffs]
303
00:14:54,311 --> 00:14:58,565
After you grew out of being a little boy,
I-I wanted to tell you.
304
00:14:59,983 --> 00:15:01,108
Um...
305
00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:02,444
Did he know?
306
00:15:06,990 --> 00:15:08,992
Yeah, he knew.
307
00:15:10,202 --> 00:15:14,706
E-Every time that we would split
and then remarry,
308
00:15:15,249 --> 00:15:19,211
Big Mac never once asked me
about our time apart.
309
00:15:20,087 --> 00:15:21,922
We didn't have any secrets.
310
00:15:23,465 --> 00:15:24,466
So, um,
311
00:15:25,801 --> 00:15:29,262
I had to tell him about Clive and me.
312
00:15:29,263 --> 00:15:30,848
And, man, he just...
313
00:15:32,558 --> 00:15:34,475
stormed out that front door.
314
00:15:34,476 --> 00:15:38,313
And I thought, "God, I am never
gonna see that man again."
315
00:15:39,398 --> 00:15:43,151
But he came back after about a week.
316
00:15:43,735 --> 00:15:45,236
And you know why?
317
00:15:45,237 --> 00:15:48,282
Because he chose love.
318
00:15:50,868 --> 00:15:52,452
Actually he chose you.
319
00:15:54,288 --> 00:15:57,207
He chose his son.
320
00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:00,544
Clive may be your baby daddy,
321
00:16:01,211 --> 00:16:04,590
but Big Mac is your father.
322
00:16:07,885 --> 00:16:09,136
All my life I've been...
323
00:16:12,264 --> 00:16:15,142
following his footsteps, you know.
324
00:16:17,394 --> 00:16:20,022
Why don't you just keep on walking in 'em?
325
00:16:23,108 --> 00:16:24,776
Sure do look good on you.
326
00:16:25,611 --> 00:16:26,778
[sighs]
327
00:16:28,906 --> 00:16:29,990
[scoffs]
328
00:16:30,908 --> 00:16:31,992
[mutters]
329
00:16:33,827 --> 00:16:36,330
[inhales deeply, exhales]
330
00:16:40,459 --> 00:16:42,627
Is that Jack Daniel's in here?
331
00:16:42,628 --> 00:16:45,421
That's one secret I'll never give up.
332
00:16:45,422 --> 00:16:47,591
["Texas Sun" playing]
333
00:16:48,217 --> 00:16:51,010
Okay, Matthew's right behind me, I swear.
334
00:16:51,011 --> 00:16:53,012
- [groans]
- We just need a few more minutes.
335
00:16:53,013 --> 00:16:55,515
The-The congestion at the, uh, traffic...
336
00:16:55,516 --> 00:16:57,016
Oh, good. Help has arrived.
337
00:16:57,017 --> 00:16:59,435
Look, I am sorry that I've been
a pain in the rear. I...
338
00:16:59,436 --> 00:17:02,063
No, no, no. A pain in my rear is
something I enjoy occasionally.
339
00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:03,606
Because I am a modern woman
340
00:17:03,607 --> 00:17:05,900
and sometimes I have a boyfriend
who likes to do that.
341
00:17:05,901 --> 00:17:07,985
You are not a pain in my rear.
342
00:17:07,986 --> 00:17:09,694
You are a parasite.
343
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:10,947
You are a little freak.
344
00:17:10,948 --> 00:17:12,574
You're cancer. You're a rash.
345
00:17:13,157 --> 00:17:14,159
Are you okay?
346
00:17:14,742 --> 00:17:16,410
I'm trying to help here.
347
00:17:16,411 --> 00:17:20,248
I'm asking can we just stall
a-a tiny bit more?
348
00:17:20,249 --> 00:17:23,584
How about you stall?
I am gonna update my LinkedIn profile.
349
00:17:23,585 --> 00:17:24,752
Move!
350
00:17:26,046 --> 00:17:27,129
[exhales]
351
00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:28,674
[singing "Texas Sun"]
352
00:17:30,342 --> 00:17:31,718
[crowd cheering]
353
00:17:33,637 --> 00:17:36,013
This has been fun,
but I think I'd like to go home now.
354
00:17:36,014 --> 00:17:37,891
[crowd booing]
355
00:17:39,643 --> 00:17:41,352
It's about damn time. [chuckles]
356
00:17:41,353 --> 00:17:43,187
Uh, Leon Bridges, everybody.
357
00:17:43,188 --> 00:17:45,566
[crowd cheering, whistling]
358
00:17:48,902 --> 00:17:50,903
He put in a full day. Hey, everybody.
359
00:17:50,904 --> 00:17:51,988
How you all doing?
360
00:17:51,989 --> 00:17:53,823
[person 1] We've been better.
361
00:17:53,824 --> 00:17:55,825
- [laughs]
- [person 2] Where is Matthew?
362
00:17:55,826 --> 00:18:00,913
Yeah, well,
look, y'all, Matthew is coming.
363
00:18:00,914 --> 00:18:02,290
But before he comes up,
364
00:18:02,291 --> 00:18:06,335
I just want to acknowledge
the elephant in the room.
365
00:18:06,336 --> 00:18:08,880
- Not about you.
- I know you all saw that punch
366
00:18:08,881 --> 00:18:12,008
and you probably had
a lot of thoughts about it.
367
00:18:12,009 --> 00:18:13,634
[person 1] Boo!
368
00:18:13,635 --> 00:18:16,888
- Boo! Get the hippie off the stage.
- [crowd jeering, booing]
369
00:18:16,889 --> 00:18:19,223
And I'm not trying to explain it away.
370
00:18:19,224 --> 00:18:21,142
But I... I should've told him sooner.
371
00:18:21,143 --> 00:18:26,023
But Matthew McConaughey is
a passionate man.
372
00:18:27,816 --> 00:18:33,946
He takes things like family
and friendship and honor
373
00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:37,116
- and the truth very seriously.
- Hey.
374
00:18:37,117 --> 00:18:43,415
And so, when you saw him punch
this unnaturally handsome face on TV,
375
00:18:44,124 --> 00:18:50,671
we had just found some stuff out about
our family that was complicated and messy.
376
00:18:50,672 --> 00:18:53,717
And I wasn't as honest with my friend.
377
00:18:55,052 --> 00:18:56,428
My brother.
378
00:18:57,804 --> 00:18:59,056
[stammers]
379
00:19:00,349 --> 00:19:01,432
[chuckling] Well,
380
00:19:01,433 --> 00:19:04,352
here's the man, the myth,
the legend himself.
381
00:19:04,353 --> 00:19:06,395
[crowd cheering]
382
00:19:06,396 --> 00:19:07,648
[Woody] Matthew McConaughey.
383
00:19:12,861 --> 00:19:15,363
- [Matthew] You're my lighthouse.
- [Woody] I'm your lighthouse.
384
00:19:15,364 --> 00:19:16,864
[Matthew] I love you, brother.
385
00:19:16,865 --> 00:19:19,200
And for the record,
I just want you all to know
386
00:19:19,201 --> 00:19:22,078
that I can beat the shit
out of this scrawny-ass,
387
00:19:22,079 --> 00:19:24,247
all-chest no-calves,
388
00:19:24,248 --> 00:19:27,750
soon-to-be-governor of Texas,
any time I want.
389
00:19:27,751 --> 00:19:31,254
I was lucky to get that right hook
in there when I did before you got me.
390
00:19:31,255 --> 00:19:33,172
- [laughs]
- Thank you, Woody.
391
00:19:33,173 --> 00:19:34,924
Um, all right.
392
00:19:34,925 --> 00:19:36,008
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
393
00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:38,177
You know, uh,
when I told Woody, I said, uh,
394
00:19:38,178 --> 00:19:40,972
"I think I'm gonna run for governor,"
Woody said, "Are you high?"
395
00:19:40,973 --> 00:19:42,765
I said, "No, sir, I am not high."
396
00:19:42,766 --> 00:19:45,101
He said, "Well, you should get high."
397
00:19:45,102 --> 00:19:46,185
What did you say?
398
00:19:46,186 --> 00:19:49,021
"Stupidest thing I've ever heard you say
you are gonna do."
399
00:19:49,022 --> 00:19:50,523
- But here I am anyway.
- [laughs]
400
00:19:50,524 --> 00:19:51,774
You know, last few months
401
00:19:51,775 --> 00:19:55,278
I've been thinking a whole lot
about family and what that means.
402
00:19:55,279 --> 00:19:58,948
Family is more than just those who
we're connected to through our bloodline.
403
00:19:58,949 --> 00:20:01,618
- Hear, hear.
- Sometimes family is
404
00:20:02,411 --> 00:20:04,413
those people that make us feel at home.
405
00:20:04,997 --> 00:20:06,789
Those people that stick by us
406
00:20:06,790 --> 00:20:09,667
in this little journey
we're all going through called life.
407
00:20:09,668 --> 00:20:11,378
And when I talk about family...
408
00:20:14,840 --> 00:20:17,133
- I'm talking about Texas.
- [crowd cheering]
409
00:20:17,134 --> 00:20:21,805
The way that we take care of ourselves,
but we still lend a helping hand.
410
00:20:22,472 --> 00:20:25,391
So if y'all believe in that,
then I would be humbled,
411
00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:27,310
I'd be honored, and I'd be damn excited
412
00:20:27,311 --> 00:20:32,732
to represent this family of Texas
as your next governor.
413
00:20:32,733 --> 00:20:33,901
[crowd cheering]
414
00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:38,322
- Whoo! [cheering]
- All right.
415
00:20:39,573 --> 00:20:42,117
- Here we go.
- [all chanting] McConaughey!
416
00:20:45,537 --> 00:20:48,332
- McConaughey!
- [chanting continues]
417
00:20:50,792 --> 00:20:52,210
[Matthew] Thank you.
418
00:20:52,211 --> 00:20:55,588
[speaks indistinctly]
419
00:20:55,589 --> 00:20:58,217
- [laughs]
- [chanting continues]
420
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,801
Found you, motherfucker.
421
00:21:00,802 --> 00:21:03,304
Yeah, but you didn't
think it through, did ya?
422
00:21:03,305 --> 00:21:06,891
Not so tough with all
of these people around, are you?
423
00:21:06,892 --> 00:21:09,393
[chanting continues] McConaughey!
424
00:21:09,394 --> 00:21:11,896
- Hey!
- [groans]
425
00:21:11,897 --> 00:21:13,981
[crowd clamoring, screaming]
426
00:21:13,982 --> 00:21:15,067
[Matthew screams]
427
00:21:21,031 --> 00:21:24,158
{\an8}[Woody] Yeah, baby. Oh, we got this, Dan.
428
00:21:24,159 --> 00:21:26,702
Yeah. Are you guys psyched?
429
00:21:26,703 --> 00:21:28,913
Virginia. Beautiful.
430
00:21:28,914 --> 00:21:30,457
It's happening, everybody.
431
00:21:30,958 --> 00:21:32,876
Come on. Here we go.
432
00:21:33,961 --> 00:21:35,503
Thank you. Thank you.
433
00:21:35,504 --> 00:21:36,672
Well, thanks, gents.
434
00:21:37,714 --> 00:21:39,131
How about it, buddy?
435
00:21:39,132 --> 00:21:41,551
Huh? We in a moment?
436
00:21:41,552 --> 00:21:43,094
{\an8}- We are.
- So as you can see,
437
00:21:43,095 --> 00:21:46,556
{\an8}even if every last remaining vote
lands for McConaughey,
438
00:21:46,557 --> 00:21:49,851
{\an8}it's still essentially
a mathematical impossibility for him
439
00:21:49,852 --> 00:21:52,019
{\an8}- to dig out of the hole that he's in.
- Wow.
440
00:21:52,020 --> 00:21:54,730
{\an8}That hole famously started
at his very first rally
441
00:21:54,731 --> 00:21:56,440
{\an8}when he attacked that older gentlemen.
442
00:21:56,441 --> 00:21:58,401
{\an8}- [screams]
- [crowd clamoring, screaming]
443
00:21:58,402 --> 00:21:59,861
- Oh.
- [chuckles]
444
00:21:59,862 --> 00:22:01,696
They look much older on TV.
445
00:22:01,697 --> 00:22:04,408
{\an8}This campaign had
rage issues from day one.
446
00:22:05,659 --> 00:22:08,786
{\an8}And let's not forget his
run-ins with the police,
447
00:22:08,787 --> 00:22:12,498
{\an8}being disrespectful,
even charges of disorderly conduct,
448
00:22:12,499 --> 00:22:14,333
{\an8}- evading arrest.
- Hey, it's early.
449
00:22:14,334 --> 00:22:15,960
{\an8}We don't know how this will shake out.
450
00:22:15,961 --> 00:22:17,170
It's not early.
451
00:22:17,171 --> 00:22:19,547
93% of precincts are reporting.
452
00:22:19,548 --> 00:22:21,257
Those numbers ain't real.
453
00:22:21,258 --> 00:22:23,509
I know AI when I see it.
454
00:22:23,510 --> 00:22:27,305
If you don't believe in miracles,
miracles don't believe in you.
455
00:22:27,306 --> 00:22:28,514
I feel good about this.
456
00:22:28,515 --> 00:22:31,726
{\an8}Although McConaughey has
as much chance at winning tonight
457
00:22:31,727 --> 00:22:34,520
{\an8}as I do winning The Great British
Baking Show and I don't bake.
458
00:22:34,521 --> 00:22:38,149
{\an8}We're not gonna have nearly all
the results until 6:30 a.m.
459
00:22:38,150 --> 00:22:40,985
Then we will be here
'cause we're not going anywhere.
460
00:22:40,986 --> 00:22:42,904
- We're not?
- We're not.
461
00:22:42,905 --> 00:22:44,488
Well, I am. I'm done.
462
00:22:44,489 --> 00:22:46,616
I'd like to say that it was a pleasure,
but it was not.
463
00:22:46,617 --> 00:22:49,911
It was just an endless
barrage of egomaniacal
464
00:22:49,912 --> 00:22:52,496
and borderline sociopathic behavior
from both of you.
465
00:22:52,497 --> 00:22:56,125
So I'm leaving immediately from here
to a holistic retreat in Bali,
466
00:22:56,126 --> 00:22:57,668
for which I will be sending you the bill.
467
00:22:57,669 --> 00:22:59,420
And I hope they give me ayahuasca there
468
00:22:59,421 --> 00:23:02,715
so I can just throw up so hard
that it turns my guts inside out
469
00:23:02,716 --> 00:23:05,343
and I turn into a big,
old pile of blood and goo.
470
00:23:05,344 --> 00:23:09,805
They'll say finally I look
on the outside how I feel on the inside.
471
00:23:09,806 --> 00:23:12,558
- And that's why--
- Okay, you know what, enough.
472
00:23:12,559 --> 00:23:14,685
I've let this slide for too long.
473
00:23:14,686 --> 00:23:19,524
When you are rude, you diminish
and you make decent people feel small.
474
00:23:19,525 --> 00:23:21,442
Do not talk to Matthew that way.
475
00:23:21,443 --> 00:23:24,154
You know what?
Don't even talk to Woody that way.
476
00:23:24,947 --> 00:23:26,615
Get the fuck out of our victory party.
477
00:23:28,825 --> 00:23:30,117
- What are you doing?
- I'm sorry.
478
00:23:30,118 --> 00:23:33,455
You are sending mixed signals.
479
00:23:37,042 --> 00:23:38,376
That was tremendous.
480
00:23:38,377 --> 00:23:41,212
- Thanks, Woody.
- I was just about to step up to her.
481
00:23:41,213 --> 00:23:42,964
I'm glad one of us did.
482
00:23:42,965 --> 00:23:45,132
On that note, come on, kids.
483
00:23:45,133 --> 00:23:47,009
They're tired. Let me take them home.
484
00:23:47,010 --> 00:23:48,094
- Whoa.
- I know.
485
00:23:48,095 --> 00:23:51,348
And take the chance of missing
out on the comeback of the millennium?
486
00:23:52,182 --> 00:23:53,683
- Mmm. Love you.
- Love you.
487
00:23:53,684 --> 00:23:56,937
Okay, everybody, after-party in my room!
488
00:23:57,563 --> 00:23:59,147
Come on! 706!
489
00:24:00,065 --> 00:24:01,900
706!
490
00:24:04,403 --> 00:24:05,570
Come on, buddy.
491
00:24:05,571 --> 00:24:08,991
Buckle up for the greatest comeback
since Robert Downey Jr.
492
00:24:11,910 --> 00:24:13,203
[sighs]
493
00:24:15,998 --> 00:24:17,582
Well, I don't think we need a recount.
494
00:24:17,583 --> 00:24:20,626
I thought you'd
at least won Bandera County.
495
00:24:20,627 --> 00:24:22,880
Man, I don't get the state of this state.
496
00:24:23,547 --> 00:24:24,839
Oh, hey.
497
00:24:24,840 --> 00:24:28,343
- Hmm?
- I guess you can, uh, hit this now.
498
00:24:30,846 --> 00:24:32,305
Guess I can.
499
00:24:32,306 --> 00:24:33,515
[chuckles]
500
00:24:36,518 --> 00:24:40,146
[both laugh]
501
00:24:40,147 --> 00:24:41,355
There it is.
502
00:24:41,356 --> 00:24:43,399
I have not seen that in a while.
503
00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:46,068
Seems we have a little time
on our hands, Brother Wood.
504
00:24:46,069 --> 00:24:47,945
What if we went to the South of France?
505
00:24:47,946 --> 00:24:49,155
Have a little wine?
506
00:24:49,156 --> 00:24:51,157
Wine, sunshine and song.
507
00:24:51,158 --> 00:24:52,533
I love that idea,
508
00:24:52,534 --> 00:24:56,663
but I was thinking maybe
you and I take a road trip.
509
00:24:57,748 --> 00:24:58,998
Possibly Colorado.
510
00:24:58,999 --> 00:25:00,082
Well, what's in Colorado?
511
00:25:00,083 --> 00:25:01,959
- BSP.
- BSP?
512
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:04,253
Boulder State Penitentiary.
513
00:25:04,254 --> 00:25:06,923
I've looked at the way
I've handled my life
514
00:25:06,924 --> 00:25:10,259
and my family and I wanna find
some answers from the source.
515
00:25:10,260 --> 00:25:15,223
The guy who got it all started
for me and you,
516
00:25:15,224 --> 00:25:17,059
uh, biologically speaking.
517
00:25:20,270 --> 00:25:21,395
You wanna go see...
518
00:25:21,396 --> 00:25:22,564
Our dad.
519
00:25:23,315 --> 00:25:25,108
["Free Ride" playing]
520
00:25:29,655 --> 00:25:30,989
Deal.
521
00:25:34,493 --> 00:25:36,453
Do you mind if we turn this down?
522
00:25:37,287 --> 00:25:39,664
Yeah, kinda, sorta.
We already talked about it.
523
00:25:39,665 --> 00:25:41,457
You got your window. I got my Freon.
524
00:25:41,458 --> 00:25:43,209
I never agreed.
525
00:25:43,210 --> 00:25:45,378
Dude, you nodded.
526
00:25:45,379 --> 00:25:47,338
- I didn't nod. I-I...
- Yeah, you nodded.
527
00:25:47,339 --> 00:25:49,090
I shrugged my shoulders actually.
528
00:25:49,091 --> 00:25:50,424
Hey, I just had a thought.
529
00:25:50,425 --> 00:25:53,553
[Matthew] You know, last time you had
a bright idea, I got bucked off a bull.
530
00:25:53,554 --> 00:25:55,096
- [Woody] Forget it.
- Woodrow.
531
00:25:55,097 --> 00:25:58,558
[Woody] My dad slept with your mom.
Well, there must have been others.
532
00:25:58,559 --> 00:26:01,143
- [Matthew] You mean...
- Maybe we have siblings.
533
00:26:01,144 --> 00:26:05,356
[Matthew] Dude, I don't know if I've got
the bandwidth for a franchise right now.
534
00:26:05,357 --> 00:26:06,859
[song continues]