[♪♪♪♪♪]
Sold?
Someone bought that abandoned lot.
Who would want that old dump?
Maybe somebody's starting a new business here.
What kinda dime-store dingleberry
would start a new business in a town of 460 people?
Present Lacey excluded.
I heard that a wing joint opened up in a small town,
and two months later,
it became a clubhouse for a motorcycle gang.
That sounds cool.
A motorcycle gang sounds cool?
No, wings and a clubhouse.
Or, ooh, wings in a clubhouse.
Phil, we need to talk.
Bikers?
That's a scary thought.
The last thing we need is more crime.
Yeah, 'cause then we'd have some crime.
I don't like this.
A wing joint for a motorcycle gang...
what's next?
Tattoo parlour! Fingers crossed.
A chain store.
Oh yeah, bikers love to fight with chains.
He means a big box store.
How do you fight with big boxes?
Oh, you mean boxing.
Ugh! I'm out.
Why are you all panicking?
Have you ever considered the possibility that--
Oh, here we go.
He reads Real Estate for Jackasses once,
and now he knows everything.
My apologies.
Please continue getting upset about this phantom biker gang.
Whoa, the bikers are phantoms?
That's a whole other problem.
♪ You think there's not a lot goin' on ♪
♪ Look closer, baby ♪
♪ You're so wrong ♪
Still nothing?
Nada.
Zilch.
It just doesn't make sense.
Where are all the men?
Uh, yoo-hoo.
There should be a tidal wave of dongs in my inbox.
Excuse me?
Ding dongs.
We signed up for a dating app called Ringer.
It has this flirting tool where people can ring your bell.
A ding is like a wink,
where a dong is like a wolf whistle...
Mm, maybe a fireman
who just spilled something on his shirt
and has to take it off and rub his--
Or, you know, something like that.
Oh, someone needs a date.
Why don't we have any messages?
We all put up nice photos.
It should be raining dongs.
Cats and dongs.
Should I be here for this?
We've got to stop that lot
from becoming a festering crime hole.
And now festering holes.
You've all changed.
We were up late bingeing Sons of Anarchy.
We can't let some outsiders roll in here and ruin things.
Yeah, I don't want somebody changing that lot.
It was the site of my first kiss.
[sighing]
Seen a lot of kisses since then,
but you never forget your first.
So you're only worried about biker gangs now?
Not big retailers?
Big retailers are just as bad.
Our taxes could go through the roof.
That doesn't concern Scrooge McMoneybags here.
He doesn't care if his taxes go up
or if his family gets kidnapped by...
Marvin Muscles and his Motorcyclin' Marauders.
Who's Marvin?
Was he a second cousin of anarchy?
Anything yet?
Nothing.
I was thinking that maybe the app was offline,
but it seems to be working.
-For other people. -What gives?
My friend's on this,
and she said she's buried in pics and messages...
and she's got a mustache like Wyatt Earp.
Still waiting for ding dongs?
Why don't you just dong some dings yourselves?
We can't do that.
If I message the guy first, he'll think I'm desperate.
But guys who message you first are...
Confident go-getters.
-I don't make the rules. -That's stupid.
Men are lazy.
If you send the first message,
you're just eliminating a step.
Go for it.
I guess we could at least look.
See who we're waiting on.
Hipster...
metal head...
Brony...
Ooh, nice french braid.
No way!
-Guess who's on here? -Davis?
Wow, nice photo.
Let's send him a gag message.
[typing]
Hmm. It won't send.
What?
His inbox is full?!
[movie music plays]
Fitzy! We need you.
Can you come back later?
I'm in the middle of a leadership seminar.
Seminar?
I thought we were just watching movies.
You're suggesting Harry James Potter
wasn't a leader?
I think Hermione has a stronger influence
on the group.
We want to know who bought that vacant lot.
Dunno.
Isn't that the sort of thing
you're supposed to know as mayor?
If you're going to get on me
about all the stuff I don't know,
we'll be here all day.
Well, at least tell us what the lot is zoned for.
Ah yes, the vacant lot.
Zoned AG.
What's AG?
Agriculture?
Oh, weed farm.
We don't want people selling weed!
Although it's good for guacamole.
Do you mean glaucoma?
It's good for both.
AG is "anything goes."
Why is there an "anything goes" zone?
Sounds kinda sexy, if you ask me.
You should change that zoning to WNTP.
"We need to approve."
You think "approve" starts with a P?
You're almost stupid enough
to be mayor.
I have seen all the Harry Potter movies.
No spoilers!
Well, I guess we have no choice.
Time to start our own biker gang to defend our turf.
Or we start our own big box store.
I mean, either way, we'll be wearing cool vests.
Option C...
we phone the realtor.
[dialing]
Rouleau Realty.
How can we make your dreams ...a realty?
You could start by working on that slogan.
I'll get right on that as soon as you buy a house.
Well, I'm actually just calling with a question.
Could you tell me who recently purchased
the empty lot in Dog River?
Which lot?
The only one in Dog River
with your toothy mug on the sign.
So, just to be clear, you want my help?
Well, first, I'm not at liberty to say.
And second, even if I was, I wouldn't tell you.
You've been a little snippy.
Good day.
-[dial tone] -Oh...
Did she say snippy?
Could be a barbershop.
Or a vasectomy clinic.
There he is!
Heya, partner.
What's up, guys?
Nothing, nothing at all.
Just came here for a drink.
Oh, and I think I'll check my Ringer profile.
You're on Ringer?
Isn't it the best?
Are you guys swamped with messages?
Not swamped...
exactly.
I've been getting constant messages
since I joined.
[ding dong]
[Lacey] She's stunning.
You're not even going to read it?
Wouldn't be fair to let her cut in line.
There's fifty in front of her.
Fifty?
[Karen] Babe... babe... babe...
It's like a babe faucet.
And it only runs hot.
Why aren't you dating her?
It says here she's a bikini model
slash hedge fund manager.
Hedges are boring.
Plus she likes long walks on the beach.
I hate getting sand in my shoes.
This one used to work at the UN
and loves craft beer.
Sounds like an unemployed drunk.
Have you dated any of these
disgusting pillars of perfection?
Haven't even read their messages.
Guess I should start.
Work, work, work.
How does he have so many options
and we still have none?
You three here
about the meeting for the empty lot?
It's not like we have anything else going on.
Thanks for coming, everyone.
It's good to know our concerns about the lot are shared.
Our biggest fear is not knowing who purchased the empty lot
and what their plans are.
One possibility you haven't considered
is a nudist sex cult.
[everyone gasping]
How nudist are we talking?
Like, just vests?
Vests? Why would--
Enough talk.
We need action!
Time to protest!
Who's with us?
[all] Protest! Woohoo!
We're going to show whoever bought that lot
that we care a lot about our town
and a lot less about their...
lot.
Huh. Slogans are hard.
My apologies to that realtor.
Sorry I'm not drunk, but I had to drive here.
Why would you get drunk?
I was researching how to protest,
and it said to make sure
you have enough Molotov cocktails.
What's in that?
Is that like a Moscow Mule?
Sort of, but hotter.
We're not getting drunk.
All we need are signs, some chanting,
a traffic blockade...
All the classics.
What do we want?
[all] A lot!
How do we want it?
[all] With nothing on it!
Hank, put that down.
[grumbling]
Maybe blocking traffic
works better in a bigger town...
like one with traffic.
Here comes traffic.
Everyone, hold the line!
Never surrender!
[door opening and closing]
Mornin'.
Well, well, well.
If it isn't Judy Justice here to shut us down.
I just heard your voices out my window
and thought I'd come and say hi.
What's this all about?
We're protesting whoever bought the lot.
What's it going to be?
I was hoping for a burrito bar.
Could be, who the hell knows?
You're protesting even though you don't know?
Could be something great.
Could also be a private security firm.
Put you guys out of business.
What?
-I don't want that! -[ding dong]
Sorry, it's this dating app I'm on.
Women keep messaging me.
Hey, how about you go talk to the realtor for us?
You know, flirt a little.
Yeah!
Lay on the charm.
Then ask who bought the lot.
And what they're doing with it.
Or how nude they plan on being.
Um, okay.
I'll do my best.
This protest is a bust.
No one's noticing.
That's about to change.
There's Nick from The Howler.
Hey, the press is here!
We're gonna make front page!
What are you looking at?
Davis's Ringer profile.
For tips.
Woof! Women do love a guy in uniform.
Wow. He looks so deep and mysterious,
like he's really pondering
the complexity of life's big questions.
I took that one.
He's squinting at the specials board.
And that's my mom's dog.
All these photos are misleading.
Not misleading.
Flattering. The uniform, the puppy...
it's a version of Davis that hints at potential.
[sighing] I don't know.
I think this app is just stupid.
Even I'm not getting anything.
What do you mean, "even I'm not getting anything"?
You think you're so much hotter than us?
I meant I'm also in uniform, so that can't be the reason...
but you gotta admit, I keep it tight.
Are you implying that I don't keep it tight?
What am I? Loose liver over here?
That's not what I meant...
but I obviously have a toned body.
I just don't show it off on my profile.
Trust me, if I did,
my phone would be dinging off the hook.
Please.
If I dolled it up and laid it down,
my profile would melt eyeballs.
I just didn't want to give anyone a heart attack.
You think I couldn't short-shorts my way
into some action?
Show up for the sugar,
stick around for the brains.
Well, if we're all done here,
I have to go water my...
laundry.
I too have unrelated work chores.
I ditto that... also.
Am I in trouble?
Absolutely.
I already told the detective
where I was the night of the murder.
My alibi is rock solid.
Murder?
No, no, sorry.
That's not what this is about.
This is about you and I getting down to business.
Oh, you're a stripper.
It's not my birthday...
Oh well, hit the music.
I'm not being clear.
I'm just here about a property.
Well, good.
What are you looking for?
Rancher?
Coach house? Split level?
Huh?
Split-level rancher-style coach house?
Yes?
Any messages yet?
None of your beeswax.
Let's make it my beeswax. Yoink!
Ha! No messages.
Oh, my god, nice tan filter, Pumpkin Spice.
Uh, what are you doing to that poor donut?
Did you make Josh take this?
[Josh] It was weird!
You're one to talk, Wanda.
Did you photoshop your legs?
It's like you're auditioning for a ZZ Top video.
How dare you?!
Nice eyelashes, Baywatch.
Did you mug a butterfly?
Those eyelashes are mine.
I have the receipt.
And they help soften my tight body.
Is your tight body sprawled on the hood
because you got hit by the car?
How's the ring- a-linging going?
Ooh, anyone eating that donut?
Lacey licked it.
[Josh] It was weird!
Well, if she licked it, she can't really sell it.
Dibs!
So, are we still protesting?
Yeah, but now it's a sit-in.
We can protest sitting down?
Why weren't we doing this the whole time?
How'd it go with the realtor?
I think I might've bought a house.
What about the lot?
Wasn't a lot...
under asking.
You didn't find out about the lot?
No.
That woman is cagey.
She may have murdered somebody.
It's time for drastic measures.
We have to buy back the lot.
If we spread the cost between all of us,
it wouldn't be much.
Who's with me?
We don't even know what we're preventing from being built.
Stop being afraid of not changing.
Have the courage to embrace the status quo.
Status quo! Status quo!
Shouldn't we stand for the chanting?
My leg's asleep.
Hey, Lacey, can I get a refill?
Pot's right there. Knock yourself out.
Why so bummed?
Still no dingles or dongles?
[typing]
What are you typing?
Just fixing something in my bio.
You don't have a purple heart.
I do too.
Yeah, a purple heart throw pillow.
That I gave you.
So you admit it.
Besides, your profile claims
you're the CEO of The Ruby Cafe Franchise.
This could be the first of many more to come.
That's not a lie. It's a premonition.
This just in.
Says here Wanda can do the splits.
Really? The splits?
Why don't you demonstrate right now?
I'm not wearing the right pants.
I'll waive The Ruby's no pants policy
just this once.
-[alert sounding] -Ha! Bingo.
A gentleman caller.
Ah, it's just an ad for stretchy pants.
Man, they really do eavesdrop.
Don't tell me you guys
have been exaggerating your profiles.
There's a name for that.
It's crab fishing...
or something like that.
I overheard some younger people.
My point is, you don't want to meet up with a guy
and have him expecting...
Crabs?
No. Expecting something less...
accurate.
If I had time to sit in the sun for 3 to 11 hours a day,
I could be this tan...
Or whatever colour this is.
And... [straining]
voilà.
I can do the splits.
[straining]
I never claimed I could get back up.
Can somebody help me up?
[phone ringing]
Rouleau Realty...
where we don't roll over while makin' deals.
Emma Leroy from Dog River here,
calling again about the lot.
I'd like to make an offer.
But it's not for sale.
Is it for sale if I'm offering six thousand dollars?
Wow.
Let me talk to the owner and call you back.
She's checking.
Uh, speaking of checking,
I'm between bank accounts right now,
and, uh, careers, so...
We get it, you're broke.
So am I.
I can't afford another house.
Talking to women? It's expensive.
This is why I haven't answered anyone on that dating app.
You don't need an app!
Just sally up to the first half-decent woman you see
and say "you'll do."
"Half-decent"?
How would you like half a foot in your--
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Great!
I'll transfer the funds immediately.
We got a deal!
[gasping] Karen.
Everything okay?
Oh, are you noticing my eyelashes?
They're attractive.
If you say so.
What can I getcha, Thumper?
Maybe a free drink for brightening up the place?
Did someone say free drink?
Uh-oh!
Hey! Loose carpet.
You okay?
Those shoes look...
uh, new.
Wha? These old things?
I wear these all the time.
Love them.
Almost as much as Lacey loves drugstore bronzer.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I just spent some time in the sun,
working on the deck today.
This is au naturel.
Whoa.
Am I in the bar from Star Wars?
What's that supposed to mean?
We're just hanging out.
Being ourselves.
Potential versions of ourselves.
All right, then.
Two two-fours of beer, Phil.
The version of Wanda I know
wouldn't mind helping me carry some beer out to my car.
Not a problem.
Aah! I'm down.
You deliver?
Congratulations on your purchase, everyone.
Have a beer.
On me.
That's awfully nice of you.
And out of character.
Well, as it turns out, I also had a great day.
I made two thousand bucks.
You haven't made two thousand bucks in your life.
Actually, I sold some property.
The lot we're standing on.
I'm the one you bought it from.
What?
It was you?
Why didn't you tell us?
I tried to,
but you and Dad jumped all over me.
Yep, I paid three thousand, sold it for five.
But hey, what do I know about real estate?
Why would you buy this worthless dirt pile?
For the same reason you all did.
I didn't want anyone to ruin it.
Plus, I too had my first kiss here.
[groaning]
In fact, I had my first two-pound
family-sized bag of kisses there.
Anyway, everything worked out.
Lot stays the same, and hey, free money.
That's insider trading!
I was outside when I took the call.
Ah, loophole.
Wow, [chuckling] did you get suckered.
We paid the realtor six thousand for the lot.
She ripped you off for a thousand bucks.
What?
Julie?
Is that even legal?
Depends if she was inside or outside.
Still nothing?
Nada.
I don't like saying this out loud,
but maybe Brent had a point.
Definitely.
I don't want to meet any guy
who's turned on by this Oompa Loompa orange.
I'm going to swap my profile back.
[both] Me too.
Wait a minute.
There's an "activate" button?
[beeping]
Were we not activated this entire time?
[Lacey and Karen activating]
[ding-dong alerts chiming]
[gasping]
There's so many of them.
Why are all these guys holding fish?
This one's holding an eel.
That's not an eel.
-Ew! -Gross!
No, thank you.
So after all this,
you're going to sell the lot to a developer?
Damn right, buddy boy.
You're not the only real estate typhoon in this family.
Money talks.
[phone ringing]
Rouleau Realty.
Pun in progress.
It's Emma Leroy again.
We'd like to re-list the lot in Dog River.
Big businesswoman like you
must know some developers you could get on board.
Oh. Sorry. Ha ha!
Word got out about all the protests,
made it unattractive to buyers.
Plus, I've grown to hate you people.
Take care, now.
No luck, eh?
You could try calling a biker gang.
Was that Julie?
Did she mention me?
Is she angry?
[♪♪♪♪♪]
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ The same things ♪
♪ You don't know ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ I just... don't know ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ It's a great big place ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ Full of nothin' but space ♪
♪ And it's my happy place ♪
♪ I don't know ♪♪♪